lemonparty - 053: Killers of the Crescent Moon

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

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Hey. Hey. Hey, testing. One. Two. This is stolen land. It's stolen land. I mean, do you really want to start? Do you really want to start? Do you really want to start?

I woke up when you sent that this morning and I played it in bed and I felt like I was in a horror movie. I felt like Brett Gellman kidnapped you watching that video. That's what you're talking about, right? Yeah, that's right. It was funny.

I watched Killers of the Flower Moon on Friday and I was like, that's horrible. And then this Brett Gellman video is much worse. Scorsese should have put him in the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He watched Killers of the Flower Moon on Friday and then I was like, that's horrible. And then this Brett Gellman video is much worse. Yeah. Scorsese should have put him in the movie. Yeah. He watched Killers of the Little Children. He's been watching. Killers of the Crescent Moon.

Yeah. Can that be the title of the episode? Yeah. Sorry, I'm playing 4K footage where I'm flying over Montana footage. I just like to take Lexapro and fly over Montana. This is racist ASMR. Just 4K drone footage.

You walk into your computer room, you go, computer, show me a land where no black people live. It is why white people love boating so much. They're like, let's take the boat out and say it. Yeah, to them it's like Dawn of the Dead. They're like, we'll go to that island. We'll be safe. They can't get to us.

So, yeah, this was Brett Gellman today. Play this shit. Hey, fake woke Americans. Guess who actually lives on stolen land? You do. Guess who actually lives on stolen land you do guess who actually lives on stolen land you do you do you do me jew you do me jew you do you live on stolen land man largo was great last night yeah i miss comedy bag bag dude

I also love the argument of that I'm like oh we live on okay we'll kill all those brown children oh you're right kill them all who cares kill them all I don't I mean doesn't he live here too in LA why is he talking like he's not American he moved to Israel to kill brown

Palestinian children if you're Jewish you get to like load AKs into a suitcase, into a plane, and they stop you at the gate, and you go, if you stop me, this is anti-Semitism. If I don't get to light a Palestinian child on fire, this is Kristallnacht 2. Yeah. Electric bugling. Boy. And why is this guy so intelligent?

Everybody thinks he's one of the smart comics or something is he supposedly and then he like you know every now and then he's in an adam mckay movie in a thong like drinking in arnold palmer he's the smart comic i think people every movie he's ever showed up in he's just like playing a guy that you've never ever met before or you don't even have a bumbling retard had a file. Who are you playing? What type of character is this? And he grabs a doorknob and he's like, the door won't open! Ha ha! And you're like

That's literally what he does in every movie. He's like hairy and bald. That's like a big joke. He's a bald, hairy man with a punch. And he's intense. He's intense and weird. Yeah. You know?

Great. Hopefully he runs into a couple Sam Hyde fans. Am I wrong, though? Is there not a smug attitude behind his alt shtick that he does? Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. That he thinks he's like a genius. Yeah.

Yeah. I see the hats this guy wears. 100%. Yeah. I remember listening to them. Ben, they're called yarmulkes. Yeah, I see the hats this guy wears. 100%. Yeah. I remember listening to them. Ben, they're called yarmulkes. Yeah, he just put it there, buddy. Yeah, he just put a bill

on that one. He's wearing a new era yarmulke. He's wearing a Yankees fitted yarmulke. That's funny going up to an Orthodox Jewish guy and be like, oh, what are you you too good for hats You smug prick

What are you wearing A little toddler beanie What is that some Ben Shapiro merch Huh you wearing a teacup Toddler beanie You dumbass You guys are supposed to be wearing the big wheels Where's your big retarded wheel hat

You put the big hat on You cut a chick and you wave it at a kid you raped. Come on. We know how it works. But you're right. There is a smugness, and you could tell he thinks he's a genius. Yeah. Here's the thing.

Anybody who's a fan of Brett Gellman, you know they think that they're an intelligent person who knows what's what. Yeah. Yeah. And every movie he's in, he's, again, he's drinking an Arnold Palmer going, Arnie Parmy's anyone? It's the worst shit of all time. Why does this guy,

because of the comedy he does, why does this guy get to be some voice of reason now? I don't know. I mean, listen, I've never understood the appeal of this guy. And he used to be loved by all the now the free palestine people now that hate him on twitter yeah but i never i never ever

got it yeah i never understood what he was a part of that comedy that like came out of the funnier die where they're like if you just shout and scream like rape me or like i'm gonna blow my brains out like that's all all comedy is screaming and being naked and being like I'm gonna blow this baby's brains out and then black people were allowed to be on TV and they're like oh actually you know I love

I hate the white race well he married a black lady like a bald black lady and it seems calculated it seems weirdly calculated she's bald it'd be funny if it was like you said she's bald

oh she's bald well you know what this changes a lot of opinions i need you to delete yeah everything you just said it's lewis farrakhan he's undercover yeah i've changed my name to brett x delman x i think he like i think he stepped away from his show on adult swim because he said he the slot should be like for minority am i wrong on that am i way off the mark well i know he got he got sam hyde fired right he was well he was part of all those guys that were like going after sam yeah for sure i'm not sure the specific details of him but specifically about brett gelman he nobody was watching his show on adult swim it was called

dinner with brett or some bullshit and it was just, he hosted dinner party. And again, you know, he's intense and weird. Yeah. Very good. Great writing, everybody. We can all go home now. His show was like, I was about to just do another weird thing that he does. I didn't know Devin had a Brett Gelman in his back pocket.

I've never done him before. I hadn't thought about him in a while. I think you've been working on this. I've been working on a Gelman. I know Devin's a raging sociopath. He's like, I'm going to get him with the Gelman today. I go, in eight years, I'll drop the Gelman. You and Amira at your home could be like, come on!

Come on, goddammit! Slapping yourself. He shows up in the Will Ferrell movies, and he's just like, where's my wife? Yep. I want you to fuck my wife. And you're like, all right, I don't quite. Can we get back to Will Ferrell and the funny people? And you can only have 45 seconds of him because it's unbearable. Yeah, he's never like a lead in a movie.

He's just the freaky weird guy. Yeah, he plays a pedophile in Stranger Things and he's like some cunt in the Fleabag show. Sure. And that's it. I love that these guys were on the tippy top of the world at one point. And look where they are now. They were on top of the mountain silver like just fucking 17 year old improv comics around

the world. And look at him now. Now he has a Wakanda wife and he's shouting in a closet about Palestine. Dude, he has a Wakanda wife and he's shouting in a closet about Palestine. Dude, he posted something that was... You just got to slip them in real quick and keep going. Yeah, the fans know where we stand. You actually came out and you go, I'm pro-genocide, anti-Jewish people. You fucked it all up.

You're like, I condone Hammas and i'm a fan of genocide yeah no i mean he sucks ass he posted even like a thing that was more annoying that was like a hey by the way if you use these terms these are what these men in the past genocide yeah i saw that is the new crystal knock you know like she like that colonizer is the new rats you call me a colonizer that means you call me a rat i think you said apartheid is the new uh you tweeted it didn't you apartheid is the new something where it's like why the fuck are you talking about yeah it's just i mean it's just this thing of like it's shapes and numbers it's like it's like for baby it's a it's a good last

minute defense it's like the prevent defense in the NFL. Truly. Yeah, it is. You're sending everybody back. Send them back. And they're just holding up a sign that says, I'm Jewish on it. And that's their entire defense. He posted something like, oh, by the way, if you're against Israel, or if you're playing both sides, not only are you racist against

Jewish people, you're racist against, you're Islamophobic also. You're double racist. Meanwhile, you want to kill Muslims. Yeah. Isn't the only sane position to be for peace on both sides? Yeah.

Why does everything have to be partisan? I don't understand. Devin, please. Please. Devin, please. Anyway, honestly. Brett Gauman is speaking, Devin. Please.

Okay. I, for one, actually, I agree with Israel's COVID response. It's a tad extreme. What was their COVID response? To sanitize Gaza. Oh, right. They're like, we're putting a big mask over Gaza. Yeah.

In the form of a big dome of missiles. Yeah. They're like, we're putting a big mask over Gaza in the form of a big dome of missiles. By the way, is it a coincidence that the most vaccinated country in the world is doing genocide right now, folks? I think they were activated by that emergency signal that went out. They have the shakes. They have the shakes. Yeah. Yeah. Hamas beheaded those babies because they were trying to get the vaccine out of them

They were trying to save their life Like a snake bite By the way I don't get involved in the Beheaded baby conversation Because I feel like if you've ever found yourself In your life yelling about beheaded babies You've lost the plot Oh for sure

But is that a real thing? Is there evidence of it yet? I think there's been no proof of it I get sucked in this is like this is the one thing i get gay about just because it pisses me off so much that we send five billion dollars to israel to like do like fucking apartheid and shit and like every single media person every single sports team you know the cincinnati bingles are like we stand with israel yeah so i get gay about this shit but but I don't think the babies thing was ever proven.

And also, I believe they've killed 2000 children in Gaza. I got since October 7. It's kind of turning. Yeah. I think people are kind of like people are on to everything. I think people are propaganda is not working as well. No, they're hip to like, you know, if any organization like the MLB is like hashtag pray for Israel. Yeah. Like the is like hashtag pray for Israel. Yeah.

Like the Walmart is hashtag pray. They know now if the corporations are posting the hashtags, they know it's fucked up and bad. Yeah. We went through a lot of feeling out misinformation in the last five, six years. And so the only remarkable thing about it is it has like, like fag Democrats and like conservative MAa retards like united for the first time yeah which are the two things you're allowed to be by the two as a white guy you had to be two things one's a cuck and one's a retard yep but even like it's like the cucks like i was like eating like with my girlfriend's aunt and she was like well you know i think we have to do the jews and

everything and then i went and had dinner with her dad and he's like well yeah i mean the fucking jew you know like stuff like that and i've just I've never seen, you know, somebody bring this country together. I know it is beautiful. It's beautiful. Biden's going to handle it. Yeah. He's got he got back from Israel. Yeah.

Yeah. He's going to have an applesauce. Yeah. He's in Israel, like falling downstairs on a pair of roller skates right now. Yeah. Like a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Great to be here at Cantor's. Then he thinks he's visiting Palestine.

He walks into a Zancou. Just an old, feeble man giving a speech in line at Zancou. Yeah, they're like, Biden built a wall around a Zancou chicken. He entombed a bunch of people in the Zancou. Biden's at Palestine going like, the son murdered the dad and the mom and that's fucked up but the chicken is delicious i went by the way i went to texas for the last five days nope i i i look i'm i'm never a guy who talks about politics you guys know that about me usually i'm a space cadet i'm staring. I'm practicing my putting in the living room.

Or I'm somewhat engaged in talking about things that mean nothing. I'm the only real gay one on the podcast. You guys never see me go, you see they passed that bill in the Senate today? You are as politically involved as George W. Bush was. That's right. And he was president for eight years. But you know just as much as he did. Yeah.

I'm eating a big salty pretzel. I'm watching baseball games. You'd be a perfect guy to have two old psychopaths behind you just being like, we should bomb this country. And you're just like, sounds good to me. Just take a sling. Now watch this. You would be golfing like that. Oh, yeah. You'd do the golf video. I golf every day. I would try to see

if they would fire me from being president. Yeah. I want to be the first president who's not impeached. They actually just fire my ass. You'd be the first president where they're like, he played 56 holes today. He played from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Dude, I get my game

so dialed in. I start playing in Monday qualifiers on the PGA Tour. I start qualifying for tournaments. Surrounded by the Secret Service. 85 Secret Service members while you shoot a 74 in Monday qualifying. Oh, and they let me cheat. Yeah. The country lets me cheat.

Because I'd be the most liked president. Let's be honest. You're driving the golf course in a tank like it's a golf cart. And then when they try to call you on cheating you just you start lowering the arm right at the guy at the rules official like tiananmen squares yeah yeah but still you'd have like a higher approval rating than like the last five presidents yeah yeah oh but yeah i brought up israel palestine like barely just a little bit

because like you know i'm'm not completely out of it. It is somewhat relevant to bring up in conversation. A little bit, yeah. Not a single person I talked to had any idea what was going on. Really? No, no idea. To be fair, those people have hush puppy brain. I don't want to be rude, but they got chitlin brain.

It's bready. It's lightly fried. It's salty. You It's lightly fried. It's salty. You can peel it apart and steam comes out of it. Yeah. It was created to keep dogs in the street. It was created to keep wild dogs at bay.

It's something you get on a side of catfish. Yeah. That brain. Yeah. They had no idea. Anywhere I went, no one had any idea what's going on over there. That's refreshing. Yeah. It was actually really nice. Yeah. You just go to barbecue restaurants over there where sure you know the

portions are insane right i told you there's uh there's uh lifeguards at the barbecue restaurants for when people fall in their dreams yeah looking for guys choking on ham bones the barbecue restaurants over there are insane yeah yeah it's fucking insane there's a guy you walk in any barbecue like chop house there's a guy who looks like leather leather face he just has a big knife and he's just hacking away at like big ass ribs yeah there's a guy every barbecue place has a guy with a gun to put you down if you're not you're not gonna make it it's like a horse yeah it breaks its leg in a race you walk into ironworks and a guy's going shoot me god damn it fucking shoot me

okay just walks up and just blows his head turns into this and they throw it on the grill fuck i gained seven pounds in three days i don't even know how that's possible yeah it's i mean it's crazy It's so good, though. I know. When you walk into one of those places. My favorite is you walk in and they'll have you walk past

the big barbecue pit for some reason. When you're going to check out, you're walking, you walk in and you're immediately three feet away from a grill

the size of a ping pong table that's like 500 degrees. And they're like, the pig we kill right here. they're like, the pig we kill right here. Can I get an ear and the penis? We charge extra for the penis now.

And there's guys with rifles and towers all around it like you're in prison. Like on the playground or whatever. Yeah, you can't escape. Yeah, they chain you to a big iron ball. It's a guy like, please, I'm full. I'm fucking full.

He's trying to wander. They just shoot and kill him. Like a red dot side appears on his head. He's like, please, I can't eat another bag.

There's a lifeguard like, is there a shark in that sweet tea? Jumps in a big vat. We'll tell you when you're full, motherfucker. It's a reverse

concentration camp. They get you so full, motherfucker. It's a reverse concentration camp. They get you so full you die. Yeah. Yeah. It's a blood pressure concentration camp. It's the most humane way to kill someone. Yeah. They put those chest cavity forceps in your mouth and just start fucking railing a shovel down your throat.

And I don't know when's the last time you guys have been to the Metroplexes, like to Dallas-Fort Worth. It's probably been a year and a half or so. Every time I'm in Dallas, never been to Fort Worth. Fort Worth rocks. Everyone always says it stinks. I don't know. No, it's better than Dallas, actually. Oh, okay.

Yeah, in my opinion. Aren't the cars in the dirt? Yeah. Isn't there a whole thing where cars are upside down in dirt? Yeah, but that's, you know, it's charming. It's a novelty. Yeah. Okay.

It's fun. It's like a spray painted kind of. I actually have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, I think you're talking about the- The stockyard thing or whatever. No, you're talking about the car Stonehenge in Arizona, I think. Oh, is that in Arizona? I thought that was Dallas.

Will and Don went there on a vlog. Where all the Cadillacs are in the ground. That's like in Arizona orzona or something oh okay sadly most of my knowledge of north america is through will and don videos yeah it's like outside prescott yeah they've sadly traveled more than i have which is really bad that's how we gotta get going yeah yeah exactly oh but the the metroplex they have these because we are les lesbians out here, it's a very different kind of lesbian. Sure. There, they have F-150 lesbians,

which was, I was eating a barbecue at a table, and I looked over, and I thought I saw a bunch of American pit bulls wearing pride flags, like right on their chest, and I was like, holy shit, these women, they were scary as shit. Looking like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yes. Yeah.

They're fucking huge, and they have nose rings and the big black glasses, and they're jacked. Yeah. You can tell they eat pussy by actually eating it. They take chunks out of the pussy, like a shark cartoon. Dude, they would fuck me. Yeah. They would fuck me in my pussy. Yeah.

I mean, they're my favorite lesbians because they'll literally turn to you and be like, I hate fags, by the way. They're like so much a lesbian, they think they're a white dude from Dallas, Texas. Dude, they have fighting dog muscles.

It's crazy shit. They're like kangaroos. It's like a kangaroo. You just drive past Lake Travis. You're like, oh, it's another dyke trying to drown a dog. Their pussies got

caliche in them. Their pussies don't get wet, they get dry when they're horny. They look like they buffed up in like lesbian prison yeah yeah they look like sarah connor yeah yeah they're it's brutal they all have like the weird tribal tattoo that extends all the way down their hands it kind of looks like an albino uh like moana guy a maori guy is that what is maori yeah maori yeah that's what tony fina is yeah that's you're like maori samoan type dudes the ones that do the chants before football games and it's supposed to scare everybody and then they lose by like 80 touchdowns yeah they do the chants and then and

then the british players are like we should i have an instinct to kill them like we did in the past yeah kill them like they're in Zulu. Yeah. Every lesbian looks like an albino Moana guy. Yeah. It's great. They do look Maori. Yeah. Yeah.

They're huge. I was actually very scared of them. I don't know how in Texas you can be a homophobic. Because I would never be homophobic in Texas. I'd be terrified they were going to kick my fucking ass. I met a. Circle me on Huffy bikes in the parking lot. Spit on me.

Call me gay. Hold me down. Rape me. rape rape me until i have a pussy yeah put yeah form their own pussies into a dick so they can rape you they pull their pussies out and put rubber bands around it like when you're tying a t-shirt yeah and rape you i met i met a couple that was like it was a it was a lesbian couple and it was so weird because one of them was like the lipstick lesbian like she was just like a normal like girl you know with the makeup and everything and the other one was a like that she was like a cop for like dallas pd dude i swear to god she rolled she was a detective it was larry hagman dude she rolled up like jesse plemmons and killers of the flower moon like big cowboy hat the fucking glasses like she was taking her vest off as she walked in and she's like it's like honey get me a

bud get me a fucking bud here to investigate uh who's been killing all the gay people in town she's like it's me it's me i hate I hate those fucks. If I was frozen in 1930 and you woke me up in Dallas, Texas today. You'd have all the same opinions. Say, I'm a Maxman. I can't help it. I see something in the brush. I fight. Headshot. Headshot. I see something in the brush. I fire. Headshot.

Headshot. Kill. Hell's janitor. You're frozen in 1930. Oh, if I was frozen in 1930 and you woke me up today and I was walking around Dallas, I would think they're aliens. Yeah. Probably.

Because I'd be like, they're not guys. They might be girls, but I've never seen anyone who looks like that. They have big metal, like they have Coke cans that they cut, and they just like put them in their ear basically, like huge gauges. Like Mad Max characters. Yes. Yeah. They put like steel plates in their shaved pink hairs.

They put steel plates? Like they have a severe brain injury? Yeah, like they were in Vietnam. Yeah. Yeah, they're wearing like car parts. Yeah, have like fenders yeah they're body mod people they're like i want to look like a gay android i want to look like i eat pussy and then i fly with my shoes like iron man oh god damn yeah uh yeah and then i and then I pretended a Sonic

that was that was very that was abandoned I pretend it was like the walls of Jericho and I had to like drive around it seven times

and like you know singing Oliver Anthony yeah that was very and you know the people there was a guy across from the song who's like we got

another one dude they're so fat you sent me that video of that closed out Sonic I one dude they're so fat you sent me that video of that closed down sonic i was like they're so fat texas i could totally see a guy pulling up seeing it shut down and like just blowing his brains out what was so funny we were cracking it yeah fucking cracks it uh we were so upset and then we because it's the middle of nowhere, too. And you go, I would love a Coke Zero with cherry vanilla right now. Yeah, of course. It sounds amazing.

With the little Maraschino cherry. Maraschino cherry? Devin, we defer to you. We grew up in Texas. We defer to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like bartender bullshit. I don't know.

I thought they were called Mendocino cherries. That's not right either, though. That's Mendocino Farms, you're thinking yeah yeah in texas they're called a uh a fucking uh mulatto cherry that's what they call them very good very good so uh it's the middle of nowhere we pulled out of that sonic that was like you know it's just a completely abandoned and uh we pulled across the street there was a bigger Sonic. I swear to God, it was brand new. It was outside like Canton, Texas.

You pull out and then there's a huge... Well, the town would have rioted if there wasn't a replacement in order. Obviously. With multiple drive-thrus, by the way. Because it's a drive-thru restaurant, but they have a drive-thru drive-thru. Oh, if you're too fat to park your car and wait for a roller girl to bring your food.

You're too fat to put your car in park. Yeah, you're like, listen, if this car stops, the blood goes straight to my feet, hon. I'll pass out right on this wheel. It's an inertia thing. It's like a paint can being shook. Gets the blood up to my head.

So it's like a car wash where they pull onto the little tracks that moves them one mile per hour. So they can have it timed perfectly so they don't die. There might be a Sonic in Texas that's just on the highway and you roll your window down going 70 and they throw a fucking bag at you. Do they have the roller girls that were coming out? They don't have that. People are too fat. They're too fat. Each foot is on a separate rascal scooter.

Sonic. Yeah. Sonic was losing so much money in ACL surgeries. They had to shut it down. Yeah. So what else did you do? In Texas? I'm trying to. Shoot any texas i'm trying to shoot any hogs i'm trying to think yeah did you go up in that chopper with rick barry oh a bunch of hugs i do want to let people

know this well first of all look i don't want to every week be like you know i had a wacky uber driver but you know sometimes you just can't stop catching big fish and i caught another big fish i was in an Uber in Texas, and this guy says to me... Wait, what did the guy look like first? 58-year-old white dude who, as soon as I get in, he hands me a piece of paper. Perfect.

With a QR code and everything, and a picture of his wife is on it. Whoa. It's like sign up to fuck my wife. He's like, listen, I'm rich. I just do this to get up to fuck my wife he's like listen i'm rich i just do this to get bucks to fuck my wife yeah if you want to sign up on the qr code there you can fuck my wife listen if you're over six

foot three you can fuck her for free young buck and i won't watch if you don't want me to listen i don't even want to watch i just know that I love knowing that she's getting her pelvis turned into dust. He goes, yeah, it's really sad. But my wife, she was an illegal immigrant, but she was here for 25 years. You know, she didn't pay taxes because she didn't have a social security number and all that shit. Yeah. Which is translation. She was 12 when I married her.

Yeah, probably. And then he says, he goes, I go, well, what happened? How'd she get deported? He goes, well, you know, Trump got an office, which was like a real curveball

because I was assuming he was going to be a pro-Trump guy, you know? And I go, oh, did Trump, like, pass a bill? Because I know the DACA thing was fake where they thought, like, 800,000 people

were going to be deported from California and all that stuff, which daca thing was fake where they thought like 800 000 people were going to be deported from california and all that stuff which i always knew was fake because you can't you it's clearly just trying to get votes you can't load up 800 000 people in california on a train and send them back i don't think the daca thing happened i think they deported a lot of people those first few months though like a little they were like more focused on that some like some press conference people but i think it's still going on with Biden. So they're actually getting people and shipping them

back? They put them on a Spirit Airlines flight? It's definitely happened. Well, I'm not saying it, but they were going to say every single illegal immigrant was going to be rounded up. It was going to be like the Trail of Tears where they all walk back. There's plenty of people selling mango on my street. It's fine.

They didn't get all of them. That's how I really gauge how Mexicans are doing in Los Angeles. I see an eaten corn cob on the ground. I go, we're fine. They haven't been sent back. I go to a Dodger game and I go, we're doing all right. We're doing good. Put my finger up to the wind and we're doing okay.

Dude, the dude goes, nah, Trump didn't pass a bill, but everybody thought he was going to deport everyone that was illegal. So I tried to hurry up real quick and I tried to register my wife with the government and then they deported her. He got her sent back? He was like, yeah, Trump, man. I was like, you're the one. You're retarded.

You doxed your wife to the government and then got her dumb ass. He probably voted for Trump. Yeah. And you know that was his plan to get rid of his wife so he'd get a new 12-year-old. He's like, that was his plan to get rid of his wife. So you get a new 12 year old. He's like, I'll make my own bed.

I'm tired of all this Cantonese. God damn it. I'm going to get a beautiful Thai wife this time. Was she Mexican? Yeah. So she's like in Mexico. So he has to go to Mexico all the time. He's like,

he goes, you know, the thing about Mexico too. He's like the other day in Mexico, we went to Chili's and he goes, wasn't very good at all. In Mexico? He goes,

some of the worst service I've ever had. He goes, you know my wife, she never complains. He goes, but you know, we had to send our food back.

We show up, nobody's in the restaurant but us and we sit down and finally a guy comes out from the back and then we order and then they bring out

the food and it's like frozen cold. Yeah, he's like, where can I get some good Mexican food around here? He ate chilies in Mexico. In Mexico, he went. That's like flying to Italy to go to the Olive Garden. Yeah. Dude, it's insane.

We've seen that before in person. Ooh, I got a real appetite for some southwestern spicy cuisine right now i will eat south of the border thank you chilies and he goes in and still gets a hamburger and chicken he's like me and my wife we left a bad review for it yeah we have the real bad review the bad review the cartel blew the place up while we were walking out and but kind of got his head off and that put a little sour taste in my mouth he got her set back on purpose a hundred percent he's like now he's like you know now when i go fuck whores in mexico i could kill two birds with one stone visit my wife after it kind of sounds like he got his wife deported yeah which

is probably best case scenario for being married is so you don't have to get go through all the like rigmarole you know when you're when you're ready to actually just leave her and you don't have to murder her you don't have to kill her. You don't have to kill her. You don't have to, like, stab her or drown her or, like, poison her. And you don't have to go through the process of getting divorced, which can be expensive and messy. It's more humane. Yeah.

You just... One phone call to ice, baby. Call Biden. Yeah. Call Joe Biden. He'll put that bitch on a plane real quick. Nothing would have happened until he registered he's like yes i contacted the government and then they deported

he's like yeah she's illegal so what do we do about this yeah they go by the way she hasn't paid any taxes for 25 years oh yeah i can give you the income by year no i'll give it to you yeah you can't act like it was trump she's like waving like no he's you're my my retarded that would that happened to me uh yesterday because i was dog sitting for you guys and uh i was dog sitting for them while they were in Texas and then the maid came over Monday morning to clean. Nice lady but she's Salvadorian. Yeah. So it's Spanish

but it's a little wacky. Right. There's peas and carrots in the rice. Yeah. It's like the Looney Tunes of Mexicans. She's a little wacky. What's the difference? She always corrects me on my Spanish where she's like oh it's this way and I look it up and I'm like no it's not you dumb bitch well that's what kind of happened it was it was like i was really

retarded but it was funny she came in i had to do therapy at 10 like remote therapy so i was like i would do therapy in the other room she's like okay okay cool cool does she call you mister she calls me mister okay mister all right You have fun being gay. Dude. And I was like, so funny. I was like, I was like, I was sitting in this chair right here and I could hear her just I felt like such a gay dude. Like, she's just like folding sheets and like doing actual work. And I'm like, my dad never hugged me.

And that's why I eat hot dogs sometimes. And I just like, I'm like, I know she thinks I'm like a huge. You feel really emasculated. Yeah, exactly. And then just like, I'm like, I know she thinks I'm like a huge, really emasculated. Yeah, exactly. And then I, so I get all the dude, it gets worse.

So I walk, I walk out, I walk out and then I'm packing up to leave. Cause Ben and Katie are coming back in a few hours and I can't find my wallet. So I've, I'm like, Oh,

the bitch, like she just moved it somewhere. Cause she moves stuff around. Yeah. Well, the bitch like she just moved it somewhere because she moved stuff around yeah well she dared maybe hear me do therapy right right she let me project something onto her so she's a bitch but i went up to her and i was like i was like dora do you know where the like the wallet is i can't find my wallet and i forgot that like she works for like you know just cunts in beverly hills so she like she like freaked out she's like i know i don't take the wallet i don't know and i was like oh no i don't i don't think you stole it or anything but she's

she's bringing me katie's purses she's like is this a wallet i go no it's a purse it's a purse you dumb bitch i didn't do that i didn't do that and then i drove all the way back home and i didn't do that. I didn't do that. And then I drove all the way back home and I didn't have any groceries. So I, or I order groceries now, you know, I'm not eating out anymore, but I'm letting myself order groceries or at $150 worth of groceries. And then it was like,

it's delivered. And I went to my door. It wasn't there. I delivered it to Ben's house by mistake. So I did like an hour and a half away. Ben's on a plane. I had to get his number. And then I called Dora and I go, Dora, this is Jason.

She goes, OK. And I go, there's a there's one hundred fifty dollars worth of groceries. That's like, can you take it up and put in the fridge? You go, Dora, it's time to turn on that Explorer. Need you to find my wallet and the groceries. And she didn't understand me at all. So I just I put I felt so gay. I was just putting sentences into Google Translate to Spanish, and then I was texting it to her.

And that seemed to actually work. It did work? Yeah. Good. I felt like a real gay lord that whole time. That poor lady. Every time I come over and she's still here, I feel horrible for some reason. She's just scrubbing away.

And then anytime she comes in here, I just imagine it must be like walking into like hell. She just probably looks at the equipment and she's like, oh, it's the racism box. This is where Mr. Bean does racism. He does the stories but for hating brown people. I was saying she like probably comes in here, tries to clean the mics and like shocks. Yeah.

There's been so many slurs whispered into this thing. She's like, ah. She probably steps in this room and she can feel the evil, like it's a ghost or something. No, she grabs one of these microphones and it's like that movie Talk to Me. She sees a dead racist podcaster sitting across from her. She sees the ghost of David Duke pop up, even though he's not dead. Hey, guys, if your sense of style sucks, but you still want your place to look cool, you need to check out Displate.

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metal it doesn't degrade at all so it's like having a poster you can keep forever so we thank you display for sponsoring and now back to the show yeah so i felt real gay i'm sorry i haven't seen killers of the flower moon because i know that's all you guys want to talk about yeah that's okay i've seen it three times it's fine that's fine you already saw it three yeah i saw it thursday first showing at like two then i saw it it Friday. Then I saw it Sunday. Nice. Can't stop. It's here the whale. I get it.

It's mine. Yeah. I get it. It might be his last movie. I don't fucking know. It's also only in theaters once. People don't get that. I know.

It's a very special thing. It's a very special thing. Also, you shouldn't watch it because it would ruin a lot of bits for us on the podcast if we all felt bad about racism. Oh, do you think it's going to make me have empathy? Yeah, maybe. You'd be a sociopath and not a little bit at the end. I walked out and I've never had this actual thought in my life.

I walked out of like the Tarzana Mall and I was like, this is stolen land. I'm standing on. You turned into Brett Gelman. Dude, I turned into Brett Gelman. I wanted to do a land acknowledgement for the Cheesecake Factory. And then thankfully an hour went by. I was like, okay, I'm racist again. Who cares?

Yeah. Someone cut you off in traffic. You're like, yeah, back to being racist. He was a white guy, but I'm still back. Yeah. I was like, that's Dora, that dumb bitch. Listen to me do therapy. Dude, when you watched it, was the Taylor Swift movie blaring in your movie theater?

Luckily not. Luckily not, which I've heard is happening. And that's just it's a hilarious like another form of colonization the whitest lady in america just just drowning out a movie about you know like a genocide of native americans that's a that's a fun thing it only happened to me a couple times there were some moments where justin euro's like i need you to kill that engine. And then the door opens and I hear like, you know, we're going to dance. Whatever. Because we're white and gay. Yeah.

The door shuts. Yeah. I'm like, all right, back to these engines. Someone was trying to watch the St. Louis game and like. In Killers of the Flower Moon? Yeah. Yes. A guy in a big Rams jersey?

Yeah. Someone, I was in Texas, and someone was watching the St. Louis game, and I watched it for like five minutes. The whole fucking thing, they keep cutting to Taylor Swift. Oh, the Kansas City game. Kansas City, the St. Louis game. I was wondering what you're talking about. They're both red and in the middle.

Yeah. Well, they moved to LA, and they're also not red. No, they cut to her so much, it's like the announcercers might as well be going like, what do you think tonight? Anal or cream pie? And they go, Travis, have you eaten the pussy? Is it tight and pink? God, it's annoying. We should scalp her.

That would repent our sins. It's so annoying. I'm so sick of it. I can't get into it because it's worse than talking bad about Israel. True. But you watch it and I'm like, this is such a paid. This is like watching Pepsi fuck out. Yep.

And that's like our new. We got so retarded as a country. We're like, dude, Pepsi's dating Twizzlers. Have you heard? Yeah. Like that's it. It is. Yeah.

Dude, if my phone shows me another fucking video of the Kelsey brothers, I'm going to light it on fire. I know. I'm sick of them. What the fuck is it? Catch a ball and shut the fuck up. There's two of them? There's another one that used to be. He's a block. Center.

Lineman. Center. Yeah. Does he look like Travis? He looks like, you know how we look? That's what those brothers look like. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like that. Yeah. So they're really good at football? Yeah. They played each other in the Super Bowl and everything. And now Travis is banging Taylor.

Why does he get to fuck her, by the way? Who cares? Is she even that good looking? I don't understand the whole thing. It is kind of like fucking a gazelle or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. It must be cool to fuck the most famous person on the planet, though, right?

I guess. It's got to be a little obnoxious. It's got to be a little embarrassing when you look up and she's fake cheer and yawn, and it's all about her. Yeah. He's lower now than her. Yeah, yeah he's like just he's like there was a big hit where you like got cte and then they just cut to her being like oh no oh no my boyfriend who i don't even know his middle name i don't give a shit about him yeah oh fuck yeah and meanwhile he in 10 years she's

not gonna even know his name he'll be blowing blowing his heart out with a gun. You know, she'll have moved on to like dating like Michael Jackson's kid or something. Yeah. You know. Yeah. I'm a little sick of it. They keep panning up to her every fucking game. I thought it was for a second. I thought it was like I was like, oh, is it like the Macy's Thanksgiving?

I'm like, is it Thanksgiving already? Why is Taylor Swift up in a booth of some kind? I was like, oh, it's football. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck is going on? She's like the queen of america basically yeah oh i guess you're right yeah yeah she really is why why do women rule the planet or at least north america yeah yeah because they all are making their husbands go to you know whatever gay that's why she's so popular i mean like you know most of the country is very mediocre yeah and they love this the mediocre queen right and women have no problem spending five hundred dollars for no

reason so they're like i'll see this retard i'll drop eight hundred dollars for like shitty tickets yeah yeah i think we need the psyop division of the cia to get a hold of taylor swift and convince these white women to sign up for the armed forces and to go over and start because we're gonna go to war with iran i would love if they're like taylor is dating norman schwartzkopf they're like dude she was in afghanistan and she fucking cleaned his balls out if if they like alter her image as like the the female chris kyle first of all imagine like the marvel Universe style movies about Taylor Swift killing Iranian babies and stuff. Just sniping them. They'll just lie and say Taylor went over to Iran and she had 9,000 confirmed kills.

Yeah, yeah. American Sniper 2. Yeah. Yeah, they just call it American Sniper 2. Yeah, American Sniper 2 colon White Chicks edition. She's unrated. It's a DVD from 04. She's standing in a box suite

and every time he gets some like shrapnel, she's like, oh no. They cut to her on Fox. Joe Buck's like, oh, Taylor was a little afraid of that bomb that was just dropped. Let's cut to T-Swiss reaction.

She's just like lining up a scope. Just like clicking it in to blow somebody's head off next to patrick mahomes's wife yeah and his and his uh pedophile brother his gay pedophile freak that keeps like trying to rape people at buffalo wild wings or whatever yeah but what patrick mahomes has horrible taste in people i mean i know he can't choose his brother i mean he should choose to never have him in his life anymore yeah you know he doesn't need to give him season a lot of famous athletes do that they just pretend they never existed and

his wife i mean she looks like a damn she looks like one of those lesbians from dallas and they're paulie did you know that they fuck up everybody they got caught being paulie because she was at a red carpet thing and you can see on her her foot she had the symbol for uh polyamory tattooed on her foot yeah she had a pizzagate email just scrolled out on her leg yeah a comet ping pong tramp stamp yeah yeah i don't know he doesn't talk to his brother much like i watched that documentary and he's like not featured in it because every other like few weeks like like patrick mahomes brother gets caught like like doing a tiktok dance at auschwitz or whatever and it really stains the family name yeah he actually it's actually he's less embarrassing by like getting charged with like raping a kid right

because he i saw a video did he actually rape the kid i saw a video walking out of a court they're like yeah it's patrick mahomes brother fuck this 16 year old yeah he like he he got he got i think he tried to like rape like a waitress at at like a fucking hooters or something the chilis in mexico that's a rite of passage he's like my brother's fucking patrick mahomes yeah yeah yeah when you're rich they let you do anything he's like this is my version of scrambling see this really is this is the soyfication of everything and i i think if tay Swift, I think if she becomes like the Secretary of Defense or some shit, American Sniper 2, Taylor Swift, she goes over there. We start getting into a really big war again.

And all the white ladies enlist in the armed forces and they're like, you know, just getting, they're just human meat shields. Just getting riddled with bullets and bombs and you sure complaining to iran's manager until they give up and then all us all us fellas get to stay at home we get to keep podcasting which is really our dream and we basically all just start fucking each other because all the annoying white ladies are gone and we go well we actually don't want to fuck anybody now yeah there's like all the annoying people that suck ass are gone and we go well we actually don't want to fuck anybody now yeah there's like all the annoying people that suck ass are gone yeah there's like rosie riveter posters but just

she's holding a podcast microphone yeah it's a good idea it would be the soyification complete it would be it would the cycle would be complete and then we could go back to like you know being like good again yeah yeah what is it like gay guys create straight times straight times create uh gay men gay men create you know that thing yeah yeah yeah yeah hard times women women create hard times yeah men rape women gay people steal from black people and make popular culture yeah yeah that's the rhythm of things that's how it goes yeah no there's the one are you talking about it's like it's like hard men create uh hard times hard times create weak men create a hard hard times create strong men or strong men create

good times good times create weak men weak men create hard times, hard times create... Yeah. Yeah, like it's loops. But it would basically be that, but with like being a cuck and like being a retard. Okay. Yeah. And it's always funny. And it's funny.

You're right. Right. At home, trust me, they're following along right now there'll be a whole thing on our reddit where it makes it's perfectly laid out it makes perfect yeah at home there with like soy boys and like you know being jocko and everything got you yeah yeah yeah like a like cyclical because that's what it is it's a cut are you a cuck or a retard that's what we talked about those are the two parties right so the ying and the yang of of existence really the two things

you're allowed to be because even the guys who share the that hard times meme like they just all they do is lift weights and eat at fudruckers you know like i don't know why they're acting like they're civil servants who are like you know they're not at the senate like a roman like you know person like being like we need more grain for the farm yeah yeah mar Marcus Aurelius wasn't like, I'm trying to get my macros. Yeah. Which, by the way, you explained this to me the other day because there's this guy who's super jacked on YouTube who's clearly going to die before he's like 20th birthday.

He's turned his brain into a muscle. It's like cancer. It's eating him. He looks like it's like the SpongeBob SquarePants, like Muscle Beach bullshit. He's so jacked. He looks like the alien from The Thing mid-transformation oh i'll look him up to show people i mean it's it's respectable as hell it's amazing to get that big at 21 but he yeah what's his name again sam sam

solik but also like i've seen clips of him where he's like he lifts a spoon up to his mouth and he starts breathing oh i've seen this guy yeah no, not that. That's an Asian lady. It's with a U. You got to spell it. I got it right here. Did we watch this guy once? Maybe. We watched it not on the pod.

I just showed you this guy. Oh, okay. This is a 14 year old boy. Look at him. And he looks much bigger than that usually. Overcompensating for something. Just jacked because it takes you two hours to solve a CAPTCHA test. Yeah. Being like, if I get buff enough enough it'll unrape me in my childhood is this true that with macros and stuff like you can just eat like a bunch of mac and cheese and

you're fine well that's his whole point is he's like i don't eat healthy i just get my macros so he's eating like captain crunch and like you know twizzlers and shit as long as he hits his macros but granted he is he's also going to be dead in three to four years you know dude he looks like i mean that's insane yeah dude he's 21 he's so big yeah 21 years old 21 it's crazy i know and i don't get that i don't get that at all he looks like a like a like a hormone riddled cow yeah he does look like one of those where they're like we manipulate their genes so they like have that disease yeah that gives you a bunch of the cow looks like it's like fucking 50 cent yeah the cow looks like its wife left it yeah and it grew a goatee he looks pretty i mean he looks good though he looks like rami malik there

yeah a little bit yeah okay yeah just don't get like uh you know like you could stop somewhere like just don't kill yourself you know yeah or go ahead i mean i kind of respect that move along yeah i mean if you know there's a lot of traffic on the way here and maybe you were one of the cars yeah it is very funny to get it's very funny to get so fit you die from it yes like you die from working out and eating but is this are your insides are still being destroyed like if you're eating unhealthy but jacked like isn't it more like a vanity health like you're not in your insides could, or can't be gray.

All those bodybuilders die at like 45, like max. Like, Rich Piana's heart exploded like a car bomb, like in the middle of the night. Yeah. Damn, I wish my legs looked like that when I wore my short shorts on the podcast. Yeah, I wish my dick looked so tiny because of my giant legs. Dude, I wish I got so jacked no women wanted to fuck me anymore. Because it would be like. I mean, that's horrific looking. Yeah, it'd I got so jacked no women wanted to fuck me anymore. Because it would be like... I mean, that's horrific.

Yeah. It'd be like fucking a bolter. It looks like an aerial view of Vietnam. Like during the war. Yeah, dude. It looks like the surface of the moon. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

But I gotta respect that. His channel's pretty cool, though. I do like his channel. Yeah. It is cool to be in a tremendous amount of pain and suffering for a very finite amount of time on the planet and then die. Yeah. For basically no reason.

Yeah. It's better to burn out than fade away. Neil Young said that. So is it true for the retards at home? Can you just as macros? You can just be like, I eat 2000 calories of mac and cheese a day. You can technically like if you just count calories i mean when i was anorexic in college i ate you know a slice of pizza and i drank eight beers and i ran eight miles and i lost weight doing that you know i felt

like utter shit but i looked very thin i think it's the calorie thing right yeah yeah so it's true like what like so what you eat doesn't really matter then? Well, I mean, for your actual health. He's not actually healthy. He just looks cool. Yes. Oh, so macros is like you're concerned about body fat, but your organs might be failing internally because you're malnourished. Macros, it's another form of counting calories.

It's fat, protein, and carbs. Yeah. So if you're counting that, you're still hitting your calories because protein has X amount of calories. because protein has X amount of calories. Carbs has X amount of calories. So you're still counting your calories when you do that. This guy's like, he is the outside. His body, it's like a beautiful new car.

But if you open up the hood, there's a dying baby inside. Yeah, it's basically like a cyber truck as a person doesn't even look good i don't really get it yeah i really don't think women want to have sex with that yeah that's i don't know maybe there's some out there but i feel like they're also jacked too i don't know those are the lesbians from dallas yeah yeah those are the only people who fuck those guys yeah do you think it'd be possible to for me to start lifting and taking so many steroids that i actually look like the whale like you you take so much steroids you get really fat steroids to get fat no you can just eat regular american food for that yeah the cheeseburgers are your steroids full steroids

yeah you can inject cheese whiz into your ass it's a steroid it would be funny i go to my i go i hire a trainer for like fifteen thousand dollars a month i go to him i just he's like so uh to start what are your goals and i just hand them i just show him a picture of brendan frazier in the whale yeah and i'm like i need to look like this in six months i'm like i'm tapping the photo like that he's like why do you he's like we're shooting a sketch and i need to gain 500 pounds for it. He's like, man, I don't think... I'm like, they said you were the best, man. Look, I can take my money and go somewhere else.

Huh? That would be awesome if you were like De Niro in Raging Bull, but you gained 500 pounds. Like De Niro in Junkets after Raging Bull, and they're like, so how did you get into character? And he's like, I just ate a lot of milk. Throwing up on himself.

They're like, Jesus Christ. He wasn't supposed to be that fat at the end. Just gaining seven pounds in three days going to the lesbian barbecue places is just like... I don't know how those people there aren't like... I don't know how everybody isn't aren't like i don't know how everybody

isn't 500 pounds there because they just go they go hog wild they go to town i think the only way they burn calories is climbing up into their truck that's pretty much it like pumping gas climbing up into their truck climbing out of the truck they burn calories just trying to make their lungs expand inside their bodies their lungs are like subs at the bottom of the ocean. It's like the pressure of the Marianas Trench in there. Yeah. Yeah, they get the bends if they stop eating too quickly.

They black out. I laid down to sleep too quick, and I blacked out, and I got a bunch of bubbles in my veins. They're the people that get really excited to tell you that you burn calories just by living. Breathing burns calories. Yeah, they're like, so my basic metabolic rate is 1,800 calories a day.

So I consume 9,000. And that way, I only gain a pound every half day. Man. Yeah. What, did you just eat nonstop barbecue out there, Ben? Yeah. day man yeah would you just eat non-stop barbecue out there ben yeah i mean but also like you know you go over someone's house in texas and they got a freezer full of anything you could think of and you know that's that is like that's the bad thing about hospitality is here you go over

someone's house they go oh you want a glass of water right and like i gotta vape if you want a glass of water. I got a vape if you want it. Yeah, you want an elf bar? Yeah, you want to hit some fucking nitro? Do you want to do poppers? I feel like in Dallas, I go over someone's house. They're like, hey, we're all, just head on back. We're all sitting in a big tub of Blue Bell. You go back, it's like Dirk Diggler and Boogie Nights and they're all just sitting in a cherry vanilla bluebell ice cream tub

guy putting hamburger helper in a blunt yeah oh we heard you were coming so we made some candy fetuses for y'all dude before I left before I went to the airport in Dallas I I went to Krispy Kreme and I went outside and they

had a huge american flag and i just like saluted it yeah fucking salute you by the way you walk into krispy kreme they give you free shit as you walk in like a sampler yeah yeah but you need enough you need enough blood sugar to get out of the krispy kreme so they got to give you something just to get through line they know you just there fall asleep standing the people are so fat they go through life like a video game like they have to hit they have to pick up

a certain amount of health yeah before they'll die they assume everyone that walked in the door was like stranded and they thought it was a mirage

and they like need water but it's they're crawling into the Krispy Kreme but that's because their legs fell off Pepsi then they handed me a donut and I was like oh my god thank you and they go oh we give these to everybody Because their legs fell off. Pepsi.

Then they handed me a donut and I was like, oh my God, thank you. And they go, oh, we give these to everybody. It's like, it's a sampler is what they said. Yes. And I'm like, I'm looking at him like a sampler would be like a donut hole. Yeah. They handed me an entire donut. Yeah.

If they handed somebody in Texas a donut hole, they get shot in the head. Guy be like, what the, what gay shit is this this do the quick fire thing from the hip yeah guy goes to quick fire and just shoots himself in the back of the belly because it's covering his gun it's like oh fuck uh the other day i was looking up all the Texas Rangers from the entire history of... Sure. Not the baseball team, the guys. Yeah, who are awesome and kick ass. The Texas Rangers, they were established, you know,

whenever Texas was like a dumbass, retarded country that was failing rapidly and they were all dying and getting killed by the Comanche. And they're like, we need to stop these horse thuckers and i guess we can send one for those sage people there's a ranger in codes of the fire moon oh that's kick-ass played by jesse plemon i love when there's rangers in books or uh aaron gwen has a good book where there's a ranger in it uh all god's children very good book I read that the other day. I decided to plug Aaron's stuff right there. But I was reading about all these Texas Rangers.

And dude, some of them are so fucking retarded. Yeah. Like so retarded. They all, a lot of them died when they were 30, which I guess is like kind of a long. That's old age for them. Yeah, I didn't really, because you click on all of their wikipedia's they they're constantly dying one guy and they're by the way their nicknames are always like like james wild retard like mcmahon yeah james bull raper mcmanus the retard kid they all have nicknames back then yeah no they were like mobsters yeah which was

really cool actually i wish nicknames would come back because that was like a cool ass thing but uh i was reading about a guy who uh uh i was reading about a texas ranger who uh uh he arrested this he arrested this dude who was like, they always like, there's always a dude on the run because he like stole a cow. Yes. And then the entire infantry chased him for like 15 years. Like the

longest episode of a Looney Tunes show you've ever seen. Yeah. They're like, hey, we're going to eat that. If you're hungry, kill one of them engines.'s fine so these guys are like the guys that the texas rangers are facing like they're constantly forming gangs and they always call themselves like the diaper gang yeah it's always and always the pee pee poo poo gang the hole in the ass gang and the gangs they always get decimated completely like immediately like

you know i mean it's like yeah they're like the so the hole in the ass gang was at the battle of of gay bighorn and they got their skulls caved in by rocks it's always like the you read the wikipedia articles for each gang and like yeah this gang ended when the leader of the gang uh stuck his head inside a cannon yeah that he thought wasn't lit and it was his own cannon and blew his head off it's it's literally shit like that yeah the the deputy mayor he ate too many rocks and he died he clogged his shitter up and he died of sepsis there was one guy i was reading who like they finally caught him because he like stole some guy's like like bird or something and then like he stole like a bunch of doves it's like all right you know lock him up and throw away the key and then like they

went to court and then at court the guy who was pressing charges so badass he stood up and he pulled like while the guy was on the stand he and he shot him from across the court the ranger uh the whoever the guy was the ranger was like involved because he's the law oh right i mean one of his partners shot the guy the guy no the guy like he did that got his bird stolen he was like still fucking pissed he just killed him he was sitting at like the prosecution yeah he was sitting at the prosecution table. Yeah, he was sitting and he pulled out his... I guess they just let you have your gun on you back then.

Yeah, of course. I thought it was like a Dave Chappelle show where you got to put your phone in the zipper. Yeah, no, no, no. It was not... They did not have the woke mind virus in the old west. Back then, the judge holds everyone at gunpoint, I'm assuming. The judge bangs a gun on the big wooden disc.

He's like, order, order, and it's firing behind him every time he bangs it so yeah this guy like got shot and then he like lived and then uh they let the the guy that it it's always up to whatever mood the judge is in so the guy that like shot the dude they just said like oh it's it's it's fine like you know he was he was like angry so that guy didn't get in trouble then the other guy like got out of jail and then he went back to his old tricks like being like retarded stealing more birds yeah and then it said that uh he tried to ride a train without paying and then uh when they were like, oh, sir, where's your ticket or whatever? He tried to stand up and pull his gun on the guy. And as he pulled his gun out, he shot himself through the artery in his leg.

And he bled out within 45 seconds and died. And he was like 29 years old. And that was his whole life. Yeah. And now he's in history books. Because the funniest thing. Yeah, there's like a museum in some bullshit town about this guy.

Forget his name. There had to be an inspiration for the Looney Tunes somewhere in history and it was these people. Well, that's my. I'm sure a pig in the distance was like, that's all folks. As he bled out. Yeah. Big cowboy spin around like a dust devil. I i say i say you're retarded

the most retarded people to ever live probably well it's a beautiful state the way it came about it's gorgeous it's beautiful it's also i kind of realized this recently like the thing about the old west is the people who moved there like moved there from the coast and were like you know they're like i'm gonna make a lot there's gold out there i'm gonna make a lot for like they're the people who moved there, like moved there from the coast and were like, you know, they're like, I'm going to make a lot. There's gold out there. I'm going to make a lot for me. Like they're the people who are like into like NFTs

and like buy, like lost their mortgage on Dogecoin. It's like the exact same people were the guys who went out and were cowboys and are in history books now. The prospectors and stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, a lot of it too was people who were felons. They were criminals and they said well if you want a new lease on life you know go west of the uh whatever river that

was there in texas i think it was the brazos where they go you can go out west of the brazos and you know you can have whatever land you can fetch but uh in the middle of the night you're gonna wake up and there's a guy who's going to skin you alive for five days straight there's an eight foot tall albino who's gonna cut your face off yeah while you scream you had to leave where you lived because your house was destroyed by wind so then you get on a stagecoach or a big you know cattle train thing and then you get killed by uh native americans or something yeah it's kind of great because it is like texas is like australia to me because it was really just occupied by the comanche indians who are the greatest warriors ever and there were tons

of people who brought like you know they're like oh well you know uh you know the land is really cheap like they went out for a good deal like The land is cheap, or they got enough Indian scalps that they traded it in for all this land, but it's not really... I mean, you had such a high chance of getting murdered in your sleep. Your wife getting raped to death and ripped apart limb by limb.

Your kids raped and killed. All for what? For a deal? I mean, did anyone ever... For five acres? Did anyone get a good night's sleep back then? No. You probably did only when you got...

Booze was for sleeping. It was. You had to go to bed. Yeah. That's what hooch was for. Yeah. Because your pillow was a saddle. Yeah, and then also,

you're going to get bludgeoned to death with a donkey's jawbone like you might as well just get fucked up yeah you're drinking around a fire because you're like yeah someone might an arrow might fly through my head and in about five minutes yeah and worse you could walk out of the peony bar and like a guy yeah shoots like shoots a snake at you somehow and you die and then the whole town's just like, well, alright, who wants to rape his corpse? And they do a lottery over it and then nothing

happens. They don't even bury you. There's two kids like, you got to rape the last one. Alright, now kids, you get to rape the mouth, you get to rape the ass. If you can't share it, I'm not going to let you rape anybody today anybody that's why we have the story of samson and the bible wasn't he the one cutting solomon oh king solomon they

probably called him samson king solomon was the guy who cut the baby in half you know that one he was like the wisest guy to ever live and he uh that one woman claimed that a baby was hers but then another lady said it was her baby so then uh king solomon he's like the wisest guy ever he goes i will now he goes i know what i'll do i'll cut the baby in half with a big sword with a big sword so he like pulled out this big sword and like leveled it like on this like a little newborn baby yeah like a turkey yeah and then one of the ladies said oh no no let her let her keep it it's it's just let her let her keep it i want the baby to live and then king solomon surely this woman it is her child because she wants the

baby to live yeah because the other woman was like kill it i don't give a fuck you're the king i'm in motherfucking egypt you think i give a fuck? You think I give a fuck? I'm on welfare. Sorry, that was so forced. That was so forced. Sorry. Was this in the Bible, you said? It's just the Old Testament. There's so many stories in the Old Testament.

There's one where the Israelites raided a camp and they describe in the Bible they walked out of the camp with just babies and they were bashing them like slingshot rocks. No, no, no, Jace. I was in the Washington Post yesterday. Yeah, I thought that was Hillary Clinton's book. Yeah.

Well, I call what's happening in Israel the Bible three. It's the new New Testament. I was confused as to what Ben was saying, the King Solomon thing, because I thought you were doing like a Texas. I was like, what? Does the Bible take place in West Texas? It may as may as well yeah there's great stuff in the old testament one at one point in the old testament jace correct me if i'm wrong the ark of the covenant lifts up

the israelites have the ark of the covenant and they're fighting some some country that was brown sure and they the ark of the covenant lifted up and it flew at the enemy and uh apparently it gave everyone cancer yeah and then Yahoo shot out of the Ark of the Covenant and shot everybody I mean I don't remember that one one of my favorite ones is the Ark of the Covenant they all got tumors remember yeah the Ark of the Covenant you weren't allowed to touch it because they said that's where God lived in this big golden box okay they carried it with rods everywhere right and there was a story of one of the priests, they were carrying it and one of the rods broke.

So the Ark was about to topple over and he just grabbed it. So it won it and then God killed them immediately. Because he touched the Ark. There's cool supernatural stuff in the Bible. I thought that was a fucking Indiana Jones movie, honestly. I really don't know anything about the Bible. Yeah, the Old Testament is actually pretty fun. jones movie honestly yeah i really don't know anything about the bible yeah the old testament

is actually pretty fun you it's just it's just uh there's incest there's a lot of rape there's uh and we used to do bible bowl back in the day which is we would go to another we would drive to another church two hours away to compete against another church to compete against other kids to who knew the most about the Bible. Like we're sports teams. Jesus Christ. We'd be like 10. We both had shaved heads and huge glasses.

And the guy would be like, all right, question number one. Who raped all the women in Gethsemane? And me and Ben are like, that was Roderick I. Scribbling on a piece of paper which one of Abraham's daughters did he molest Sarah no it was Jacobin fuck

I'd rather watch the special Olympics Jesus yeah that was fun and then I remember i i remember like not doing well one time and then crying thinking i was like a bad christian that i go to hell yeah yeah yeah bad times it's almost it's almost like really bad memories it's almost like really traumatic memories for us do you remember getting baptized yeah i remember getting baptized yeah me too i remember after getting baptized um i was like i was like 13 when i got baptized and i was like okay i was 12 ben was 12 he jumped the gun a little bit i don't even know if that one counted because he was too young no no i was i knew i

knew i wanted to devote my life to the Lord. Yeah. Jace, on the other hand, he waited until he was 13. Well, I remember. Are they upset by that? Yes, they are. Does God get upset by that? Very much so. Well, I was waiting because I was like, God, I need to stop masturbating. And when you get baptized, it wipes all your sins clean.

So I'm like, okay, I'll just get a couple more months out of my system, and then I'll get baptized, and i'll never masturbate again so i can go to heaven and i got baptized and then like i i held out for two weeks and i was like vibrating like you know uranium at that point and i jerked off and i was like all right well i'll just do it for the rest of my life and go to hell who cares so isn't it retarded to like not be a crit like you don't believe in heaven you're not christian and you're still a no fap guy a guy that refuses to masturbate even to the imagination yeah what is with these guys what's with the whole they think it's like a chakra thing that if you don't jizz then like

you know you're gonna you know be an alpha which is probably some truth to it you know because if if you don't come all the time, you have more energy. But there are also guys where they're such losers, they have to make a rule because they were jacking off 10 times a day. And can't fuck women anymore. No, I think it's good to build it up and then one day commit a horrific crime. That's alpha. Yeah, to shoot up a Chinese massage parlor. That's so Sigma.

That's so Sigma to never jack off. I'm so glad I was fake religious. Yeah, which is probably the best way to go about things, honestly. Yeah. Just barely give a shit. I went to like... My parents started going to a Catholic church a couple times so we could lie to the Catholic school

and say we were Catholic to get in. And I didn't even know what it was. And then they brought back like holy water. And I think one time I like, fuck, I think I like drank. I think I just poured it in a glass. You put Kool-Aid in it? Yeah. So you never thought God was real even one time?

No. No, I mean, I don't know. I didn't know what it was. What did you think God was? I had no i i it never i just one night had like a bunch of thoughts about how we are not the only like there's a whole universe and everything and then i was like well that and then i lost my mind yeah and then i was like well there's that means that means there's probably nothing we're just very small

and that's kind of meaningless this is before you watched the sopranos yeah and then that didn't help yeah sure because i was gonna say it gave me like non-stop panic attacks my grandfather died around that time that I had the thought of the whole like he died and then I was like oh death like he's not here and then I started having all those thoughts and then I went freshman year to Catholic school and then the Bible lit teacher was like completely insane and every day like guys just said, like we'd go over stories and it was just like nonstop, like rape and all this shit. And he showed us like passion to Christ. And I was I just didn't I don't like Jesus or anything.

This is like a weird and annoying to me. I hate all those times. I hate the whole that whole era. Those times, you know, it's just dusty and stinky and weird. And I just don't care. It is stinky. I have nothing to do with it. The themselves are stinky i ate it he would like bring in like a fucking he'd bring he one time he brought in like a like a cum rag and he'd be like you see that

that's jesus in it in my car it was just like some like wd-40 on a rag he's like it's the shroud of terrain oh that's so right and he had like a chameleon in the class and he would we would all just torture it. You guys crucify it. So if you had to be one religion, then what would you be? Like, which one if you, like, if I told you I died and went to

a place and then I came back into my body and I told you guys, like, I'm not gonna tell you what, but there is an afterlife and one of the religions is right. I would assume it's Jewish in Israel. Yes. Israeli Jew. I'm like, how do they get that much funding?

God's got to be. Right. God's got to be pulling some strings. You might be right. Yeah. No, I don't go with that either. Because if there is a God, he should just let everybody in. You shouldn't have to, like, play a fucking.

You shouldn't have to, like. Play a side. play a side play yeah like gamble and see which religion's right devin's actually right about that yeah because if he is that evil to like not let people in just because they didn't know why would he think we believe it's crazy he's insane to think we believe that's right devin's making a lot of and this is by the way this is also what oprah winfrey and all those people say what they all say this i hope there's an afterlife they all say like oh there's many uh routes and many ways to get to the yeah yeah but she's drinking a adrenochrome at like you know fucking mandalay bay or whatever they like even satanism could be one of even if i

worshipped moloch i could also go to heaven. If I chopped a baby into pieces and ate him, I could go to heaven. Yeah, you know. I hope there's an afterlife and stuff. I don't like not believe in God. I just don't. It's a waste of time to think about. Nothing that happens really makes me feel like there is one.

Yeah. But hopefully. Well, Devin, how does it feel? Whether you're religious or not, how does it feel to know that you are on stolen land you are on stolen land me jew not you that was the creepiest part saying me jew not you jew thing because they all they're bragging that they're jewish yeah but they also say it's the worst thing in the world to be Jewish, yet they can't shut the fuck up about being Jewish. Right.

Yeah. And they're all like, yeah, they do whatever the hell they want. And then they're like, oh, yeah, during Passover, we think God isn't fucking made up by retarded goat farmers in the year zero. And we eat chaw and we go, no, I do the God. He killed the firstborn and that's cool yeah so people are putting hebrew and shit like in their name on twitter i'm like who are great like you you are fantastic like a bunch of people in manhattan cosplaying as middle easterners this

is the first time amy schumer has ever brought up even being jewish i'm pretty fucking sure sure are any of her movies about being a jewish woman yeah sarah silverman also like went crazy train wreck yeah very good yeah sarah silverman also brought up like you know fucking you know israel and shit oh yeah sarah silverman she's working for the department of water and Power in Israel now. Yeah, they go, Sarah, wipe that black face off with each ear. Sarah, turn off their gas. Yeah. Well, my favorite was she tweeted that thing where she's like,

we should shut off their water and power. People would be like, that's kind of crazy. And then she's like, I'm sorry, guys. I had smoked a lot of weed that night. She used like a 2009, like, yeah, I'm just a stoner. Yeah, which is funny because it's like a thing that makes you more empathetic right you know right like i smoke weed i'm like dude we should kill the fucking uyghurs man we should wipe them out yeah they're not really people I mean I just look like Cheech and Chong Yeah Advocating for genocide

Yeah eating Cheetos and being like Fucking Armenians Who cares Kill them They're bugs They're bugs What's so fucked up about all these things that happen is that They're bugs

They're bugs Just Just snuff them out Yeah Smoking a bong shaped like a menorah from the fucking sea to the land yeah just whatever do just fucking just cut off their water they'll be dead in like three days who gives a shit how long can you survive without water anyway they're like savages it's fucked up when these things happen because we have so little uh to do we have no control that i was i've i've gotta say i've i've been in really in the mood for middle eastern food the last three weeks that's like a like a real thing it's like a real

thing that's happened i'm like no i've been at the store i'm like oh hummus and baba yes that's like a real thing it's like a real thing that's happened I'm like no I've been at the store I'm like oh hummus and baba yes that's going on yes there's a lot of baba ghanoush being being spilled everywhere you're in front of tzatziki sauce just holding a fist up down on one knee

yeah I'm gonna every time I see a Jewish person I'm gonna thank them for their service I'm gonna shake their hand see a jewish person now i'm gonna thank them for their service yeah i'm gonna shake their hand yeah thank you for being annoying on instagram thank you we almost didn't kill a million people so much thank you so much i was so worried we weren't going to be in another big war i was so worried the u.s wouldn't back israel for a 90th year and then you sucked ass on twitter and instagram and you saved us you whose dad owns a million dollar condo and you know fucking orlando me jew not you not you not you me jew not you yeah you live on stolen land

you live on stolen land can You live on stolen land. Can we go to the Patriots so we can really get into some anti-Zionist stuff? Oh, we really are. Yeah. The juicy. I should have wrapped it up after the Texas stuff, but... No, we're having a good time. I was just having a good time.

We're having a good time here. Having a good time here. Yeah, that's why I really want to lean into it and be like, listen. Yeah. I don't have any beliefs. I just... Come on. No, just let me.

Come on, listen. Just let me do my thing. Listen, we know. Brad Gelman's right. I just... I got to shroud it. Oh, as soon as we switch to the Patreon, Jace puts on fingerless gloves. Like dice.

He's like, I believe in nothing it's an ethnostate oh limitparty.life for the merch merch has been launched Devin at hatewatchpod Jace at sad drawings by Jace

the merch is up for at this point it'll be up for like two more weeks I think we'll leave it up for three weeks from when we launched it, and then we'll start ordering everything and ship it out then. So we're hoping to get it to everyone before Christmas, I believe. Yeah, that's what we're trying to do. And by the way, for the shipping, people complained about that. I literally charged what USPS charges for shipping those envelopes.

Yes. They charge you $8.50. I put $ charges for shipping those envelopes yes i they charge you 850 i put nine dollars for shipping domestic they charge you 20 like seven for international i charge 30 just to be safe so you know yeah people a lot of people are upset that they don't you know because most people they fit into shirts that are the size of like when you like you know you you have like termites in your house and they have to put a big tent over it a lot of people were expecting shirts that size yeah do my favor with somebody because people kept commenting about no triple xls by the way i fit into a large so if you need a triple xl you you'll die before the shirt gets to you so but like i did see somebody made me laugh like

people were complaining and then one guy commented what the fuck. And then he typed in nine X's L's like question, question, question, question. That really cracks me up. Love the comments. Love the comments. Uh,

Oh, and then a lemon party clip channel. Subscribe to that because we do live streams every Wednesday at 4 PM, uh, Pacific standard time. And, obviously we can't read every chat question on there so we do charge money so only select questions do get read so i apologize if anyone's upset about that this

is how this is how live streams have worked for decades however long live streams have been this is this is how it works so anyway uh that's been the episode lemon party dot life slash merch description in the bio for the merch and then those designs are going away forever we're not bringing those back we'll bring on new designs at some point but uh anyway bye that's been the episode guys bye peace Thank you.