lemonparty - 057: Iron Lung Dab

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 I'm on the light wheel. Always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of me. That's nice. Ooh, fancy Devin. Little Crown Royal. Little Crown Royal, huh? I like Crown Royal because it comes with like a, you get this little crackhead purse. Yeah, it's not sad because I got a little pimp's pocket that it comes with. It's for adult children that

think they're kings i am the king of crown royal nation yeah we we knew a lot of people growing up who like their dads had like 50 crown royal bags and they're like i'm gonna turn it into like a like a golf bag one day yeah yeah yeah it's like a tradition i knew so many dumb kids that like they're they became alcoholics just like because their dad had like a cool garage full of like all the stuff. Yeah. Dude, I want to hang in the garage. Yeah.

With my dad. That'd be cool to hear. Play pool with him. My headphones are like super loud. Mine are kind of too, actually. Did fucking Dora the Explorer change everything? Should we just hire Dora as like the producer?

She's my Salvadorian housekeeper for everybody. How do I turn my headphones down, Ben? Yours is number two. Thank you. Still loud. Yeah, just a little bit. Thank you. Still loud. Hello, hello.

Dora's at the ones and twos, trying to contribute a little too much. She's like, did you see what Biden said today? Dora, watch the crosstalk. Dora, you're a knob man only, okay? Let's keep it to the knobs. And then we're going to have to fire Dora from you're a knob man only, okay? Let's keep it to the knobs. And then we're going to have to fire Dora from the show, and then she turns out like she becomes Opie radio.

Yeah, she's doing really sad live streams. She's on a beach somewhere going like, I never liked Jim Norton. Jimmy always farting, pissing like he funny. Lucky Louie was a piece of shit. It's a piece of shit. They turned my radio show racist. I don't even know. Do people even know what I'm talking about from this week?

Dude, can I? I unmuted him this week. Really? Yeah, I had him muted for a while because it was like suicidally depressing. Oh, I didn't know he was trending. He's been trending today. Oh, he's been trending for me. I randomly, I didn't even send this to you guys.

I looked up, I randomly was like, what's Opie's YouTube channel like? And I looked it up and it was like 12 videos in the last two days. And I think half of them had zero views on it. Yeah, there's people out there that have accidentally recorded footage of their phone in their pocket and it uploaded on accident and they have more views. Yeah, there's secret CIA tapes that go to one person unlisted with more views. He dresses also like

if Chris Kyle killed his own career. Oh, man. Yeah, if Chris Kyle sniped good comedy bits. If it was Bradley Cooper just being like, all right, that's a great premise. And then you hear him go like, let's go to the callers. Yelling at Iraqi children.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Mondo in Cincinnati. Mondo. Smashing the cake of an Afghani child. Yeah. I'm not above talking about the feuds of Anthony, Kamiya, and Opie.

No. I live for this shit. This is most of what we talk about. I live for this shit. This is most of what we talk about. I live for this shit. It keeps me going, you know? Yeah. Yeah. We should have both Opie and Anthony on the show sometime.

That would be beautiful. I've asked Opie many times on Twitter to do Hate Watch. He would do it. He's above everything. No, he's above everything. He lives in a real... He thinks because he lives high up in the sky, he's a king. a king no no he's a window washer yeah please that might he's at work right now that might be a building that's being built i mean that he sleeps on an empty floor

it's the diehard yeah yeah yeah it's way it's the one of the buildings from like batman returns i mean his co-host is the sunset he has no friends anymore you really can't tell Opie might have five dollars or five million I have no idea what's funny is he doesn't have the budget to have like a skyline behind him he has to have the literal the real skyline get in a hot air balloon yeah

start going live and start yelling yeah yeah he's racing to his building being like it's magic hour I gotta record I gotta record a guy just told me to kill myself on fucking F&M. Yeah. I think he just kind of wanders around New York and like makes friends with chefs and then ask them if they want to like be his like co-host. Every day on his birthday, he just buys himself a birthday cake and smashes it sadly outside

his own high rise. It's so sad. What the fuck, man? I know. He lights the candles, gives it to a homeless person, then smashes and steps on it. I met the Nia.

She's a lovely person. Nia goes way, way back in the... He's talking about Bill Burr's wife, Nia. Great, right. I hate to tell you this, but... Can I tell you, when I saw Nia flip off Trump, I go, what's Opie going to say about this?

I'm like a big... I got a big newspaper I got. I go, Opie, your response. Opie, Opie. Give me a word, champ. Oh, man, it's so crazy. If you go to Washington Square Park, you could see Opie doing a radio show to a tree

next to Homeless Mustard. Next to all the homeless people that used to be on the show. Yeah, setting up a mic next to homeless mustard. Next to all the homeless people that used to be on the show. Setting up a mic next to a squirrel, putting little headphones on it. It's interesting because it looks like a bait shop retard. Everybody already knows things aren't going well.

Then it's like, oh yeah, you want some worms? He looks like he throws himself into the ocean. Hey, how's it going? I'm the bait. Put a hook in me. Put a hook on me.

Throw me out there. Nobody likes me. Nobody likes me. What if I put a big hook on my hat? And it's frayed on one side. Yeah, you know, he's texting Bobo the retard and getting blocked. He's texting Bobo the retard, what are you doing? And then it just says red 645.

Bobo goes, what are you doing and then it just says red 645 Bobo goes shut up hack he actually he defends Nia here oh and love like the Nia she's actually a lovely gal she's alright strong woman she's a strong woman

god damn it and in this society dude if you if you show this tape if you went to if you show this tape to somebody in 1987 at a like a FM show in Cleveland they'd be like what the fuck is this yeah get this out of my office

oh great audio Oh, Opie. Great audio. It's only your 40th year in radio. He's recording this on a Blackberry. His fans don't even have names. It's just called Facebook user. Good morning, buddy.

His comments are saying like, hey, check out the new watch. It's all spam robots. He goes, oh, look, Tom from MySpace in the chat. I think he starts to say, well, first of all, it's so great. It's just some guy saying, I wish Roy Rogers was still open. That guy's trying to text his son right now. There's guys in there like, do you guys know when Rayo's closes? Just asking for directions.

Yeah, these guys going age, sex, location, any 14 year olds, any 14. I'm in Canada. Where you at? The cartel starts using Opie's show to like send messages. It's the safest way to send correspondence. You just see like

a guy called Pedro. He's like, okay, that's where all the cocaine is buried. No, it's more encrypted than the dark web. This is better than an onion link. You can send anything over the chat on the live Opie streams. There's babies being bought before they're born in the Opie

live streams. I think at one point in this video, the audio quality is so bad I don't even want to play any more of it. At one point in this video, the audio quality is so bad I don't even want to play any more of it. At one point in this video, he's like, look, and I could be one of these guys out here supporting Trump and I could have all these fans, but I'm not

going to do that to you guys. I'm not one of the dishonest ones. Not dishonest. And I don't know when he started talking like this, by the way. After the show and like everybody went against him and he just kept doubling down on being a worthless, egotistical idiot. Uh,

he started just always saying like, Jim Norton, the radio show. Like, well, he's one of those. If you can't say anything funny, eventually you get so desperate,

desperate working in that media that he's like, well if i go jim norton yeah that's his that's what he's his attempt to comedy voices and stuff his comedy's going like hey tim allen did the like i'll i'll kind of do that yeah and that'll be my thing well i wish anthony was wasn't in the hospital for being racist so he could clap back at Opie right now. Anthony drove past a Popeye's and his heart nearly exploded. Anthony's in the movie Crank, but it's just seeing tweets of videos of

black kids stealing honey buns. That's the only thing keeping his heart alive. Is the racism. oh man the worst is like at least like when he's like let me tell you something about jim a lot of raisins he ate you know just searching that's like horrible but the worst is when he's like he's clipping a bit that he you can really tell he's like crushed and he said yeah he like sent this clip to his producer to like do all the edits and the you know special effects and stuff and it's him the one i clicked on when i was snooping his page was like him going like you remember it literally starts him going

you remember smoking sections in restaurants oh god jesus christ and he goes yeah it was like that like like there's an invisible wall that stops your smoke from getting on my tuna tartare. Jesus. That's tough. It's so tough. It's so tough to even think about him. At the end of this video, he starts going, and he's like, and Lucky Louie, that was a hunk of shit. A show, correct me if I'm wrong, it aired in 2004.

It aired 19 years ago. I mean, you might as well be talking about Rutherford B. Hayes. But also, Louie then went on to have a TV show that became, it won like 40 Emmys or something. A lot of things happened between those times. Louie didn't fail,

Opie. He's doing really amazing. You could literally ask him, he's like, what do you think about him getting canceled? He's like, what's that now? What are you talking about? I've become so sad that I think it's 2003 as a safety mechanism. I always wonder about Opie's family.

Who's letting this happen? Yeah, I don't know, man. His wife must be just like a catatonic. Does she speak English? Does she even know what is going on? I think he's got a real last 30 minutes of the Irishman thing going on. Yeah. I think Opie, somewhere there's a bank in Manhattan where Opie's stumbling up to his daughter and she's putting the teller sign up and walking away.

Right. Yeah. Right. I mean, somebody every day, like somebody in Manhattan calls like calls the NYPD because they see him through the window. And it's more grisly than witnessing like a murder. They just go there. I think there's a pathetic retard live streaming to nobody from his high rise. It's rear window.

But Jimmy Stewart's just like, there's a there's a sad loser trying to hold on to a career he didn't even have. I mean, all he had to do was shut the fuck up and let people be funny and run the show. There's so many clips of him being great when he's comfortable. He just fucked it all up with his ego. Thought he was a star. So sad.

Someone should really mail him a phone. Like a modern day phone. This quality is insane. Oh, he's on one of those Chinese phones. phone. Yeah. This quality is. Oh, he's on one of those like Chinese phones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's,

that's brutal. Look at it. I mean, just unbelievable. That was the only thing I like gave a shit about this week. Everything else was like, you know, uh,

I just saw like babies with their arms cut off and I was like, I don't, I'm like, Oh, he's trending. And I clicked on that. He's somehow the only guy living in Manhattan that used to have a career living like Castaway. Yes.

Like doing a radio show to his couch. To nobody. No one is in there. No, he's interviewing a volleyball. He gets one like. If he gets a like, he thanks the follower. He goes, thanks for the like. Dude, I saw it.

Thanks for supporting the like. Dude, I saw it. Thanks for supporting the channel. Dude, it's like when a kid, when a parent like lets their kid upload a YouTube channel at like seven. Yeah. And they're like, shout out to my 10 subscribers, but he's 55 and he's on Roblox.

Oh, those kids that have a podcast. Yeah. You know, the fat one and the skinny one. They're like 12. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? And they're like, he's going to go on their show. Yeah. Remote. Right. And know, the fat one and the skinny one. They're like 12. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

And they're like, he's going to go on their show. Yeah. Promote it. Right. And they're like, and they turn to each other like, man, this guy's really blowing this. Opie leaves. I'm like, you've been there before. Opie leaves.

And they're like, I mean, listen, so we can't reduce the episode. Right. I mean, not even as a Patreon. We can't do that. I listen to some of that. The podcast from those 12 year olds that everybody was talking about. I don't think I don't know. I don't do that. I listen to some of the podcasts from those 12-year-olds that everybody was talking about. I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about. Matt Barnes' kids? Let me see if I can find it, actually. I don't know who Matt Barnes is. Former NBA player. His kids have a podcast? Yeah, he has two kids that have a podcast. Fantastic.

I'm sure Gilbert Arenas is on there talking about the time he fucking ate chicken in the VIP room one one time yeah gilbert just shows up and whips them like the video when he breaks into nick young's home yes and he just starts terrorizing terrorizing the child throws the kids like toy over the fence and he's still the kid's so scared he's filming he's like look at him him. Look at his scared ass. Bitch ass motherfucker to like an eight year old. That's the funniest video that's ever existed.

It is amazing. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find this. It's funny because every once in a while a 13 year old kid will go viral, but he's like 13. It's like some kishy like bullshit yeah and then every comment is like ah nah fuck y'all yeah yeah fuck him fuck his white ass like every

comment it's like you know soft day soft well the kids don't they go in on them yeah no it'll be like a nine-year-old dude yeah and up and then the they don't let him have it i did this on haywatch a little bit it's all the comments are like, I better not catch you outside, little N-word. It's like a seven-year-old doing improv for the first time. It's like, not on my street. It is nice to see that we don't even respect stand-up even when children are trying it. It's supposed to be cute and precocious.

We're like, nah, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I know. That's the beautiful thing about stand-up, that doing it, you'll literally see a child and it'll be like, I always wanted to try stand-up. And he'll be like, fuck this fucking kid. Motherfucker. You've been watching Rachel Maddow videos, man?

I don't even know anymore. What are you up to? I'm trying to find the podcast with these kids that I watch that, it sounds bad when you say it that way, but I kind of liked some of it because they had some good jokes about poop and pee. I was like, oh, that's pretty good. They had a good intro where they were talking about pissing and shitting themselves. Are we going to find out you've been stealing from these kids?

Yeah. You know there's Amy Schumer joke thief breakdowns? Yeah, it's Ben Avery steals from the 12 year old podcast. And he just cuts back to you like poopoo peepee type type. Yeah, the thumbnails meet me all fat with like bloodshot. I look like a Bert Kreischer thumbnail. And you're stealing their racism too. There's 12 year olds on a podcast like what is a black guy?

Yeah, who are stealing their racism from Andrew Tate. You've got like Andrew Tate groundwater that's been filtered through like nine layers of dirt. Yeah. Yeah. But I thought their jokes were really good. And they're like, ah, we let a chat GPT write our intro. And I was like, ah, damn. So it wasn't even them.

But I thought that was a kind of a good bit. And I was like, ah, not bad. They do more prep than us. And I didn't hate it. I kind of a good bit. And I was like, huh, not bad. They do more prep than us. And I didn't hate it. I kind of loved it. I wish I could find it because it's really good because they sit there and they just drink root beer. And they're like, so what did you do today?

And he's like, I got strawberry milk at lunch. He's like, nice. It's like ball and cash money. Nice, that's really good. And podcasts suck so bad now. I'm like, this is pretty good. I'm getting back into podcasts now. This is better than

Two Bears, One Game. Watch it get super successful in three years. They're like, and I've told them like, you get me a G5 or you're dead, cocksucker.

It's like, I told them, if you're poor, you should kill yourself, faggot. And that's what I think because I've been rich for five years.

It's just 15 year old on a private jet. Yeah. They can't relate to anybody anymore. They can't relate to any of the kids that they're on. Filming filming videos with Matt Reif to like with like Drake, like started from the bottom.

Now we hear on it. Walking on stage at Madison Square Garden be like sometimes poopoo like be sometimes poopoo be like pee got the smallest bomber jackie you've ever seen a bunch of guys in flagrant two shirts are just like all in the audience like hell yeah like this little todd this little todd be spitting okay okay okay they're matt rife's ghost writers children i saw that like i like, six years ago, Matt Rife tried to fight Brandon Wardell

in, like, the North Hollywood Park or something. Yeah, it was real black-on-black crime, and that's a problem in this country. When will this wigger violence end? Sean King gets involved. Young brothers. Young brothers brothers we need to stop i want y'all to trade sneakers and plain ass somebody line up my haircut yeah i saw that yeah here's special uh is great rife yep here the writing is tremendous oh yeah yeah sure because it's not just like he can like he can smash crowd work yeah like a motherfucker yeah but like when it

comes to bits like he's also like like he he knows he got the bag when it comes to like writing intellectually yeah he's in his bag though yeah like his brain does not cap when it comes to thoughts he's in his bag though i saw him he's a writer i saw him he pulled out some crayons and he was writing bits oh yeah i saw him on stage i saw i saw him i saw him on stage he was doing that shit yeah he was going on stage doing his thing i saw him bro rife came out he started he made his hands look like a little rabbit on the wall but it was like the shadow yo rife came out and he's he he he removed his his his thumb bro rife came out on stage and he removed his finger that shit was crazy if i'm capping i'm dying dog anyway i want to fuck him in

the ass he does look like his asshole would smell really good and be really clean. Oh, he looks, I mean it's just unbelievable. It's obnoxious. It's obnoxious how he looks. His mouth looks like what you think his asshole would look like. Yeah. And I'm not even a gay guy by the way. It's just you look at him, you go

you go, yeah, of course everybody wants to have sex with that guy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He's hot. Yeah, I want to fuck him. He's a hot piece of ass. And have sex with that guy. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He's hot. Yeah, I want to fuck him. He's a hot piece of ass. And I hope he's raped to death. That's the thing is you want, you desperately want to fuck him because he's so beautiful.

And then while you're coming, you just, you shoot him in the head. Yeah. I want to like gone girl him like at the very end. Oh, get them all. Get them all. Yeah. I want to get them all chubbed up and then slice his throat and then use his blood to jack him up it would be fun if

he like i would love to point a gun at him he goes no like that and i shoot his fingers like i just shoot his two fingers off as he covers himself he's like and then I shoot him again in the face. Yeah, like Mo Green from fucking from The Godfather. Yeah. You want him to really beg like, please just fuck my beautiful ass. Rape my beautiful pussy.

Andrew Schultz walks out of nowhere. He's like, Ben, you do not come to Vegas and talk to a man like Matt Rife like that. Yeah. Andrew Schultz in that chair in fucking like Utah just being like I had a podcast with Shalemayne. I could have been something. And he's screaming.

Yeah. No I mean here's a nice kid. He seems nice. Whatever. Let him conquer the world. Who gives a shit? I like guys like him making it more than other people in a weird way. Yeah. Oh, me too, for sure. You know?

Well, if everyone's going to stink, then just make him king. I'd rather, like, the attractive guy get the fame than some fat fuck that, like, you know, eats Lipitor cake. Mm-hmm. And goes, I actually, yeah, a guy who's, like, basically, like, I think it's actually cool to not fuck women. At least Matt Rife appeals to the most retarded aspects of our humanity. Yeah.

It's literally like, came in being like, I want to fuck that one. It's like the red light district of comedy. Yeah, it's literally like the people in their brain being like, I want to stick my penis in him. Yeah. So that means he's a genius.

The crowd is like, I think he likes me he asked me what do i do he talks to you because there's been wild clips of rife there was that nfl player do you know what i'm talking about he's he like posted a clip where it's like this retired nfl player like daps him up and then like gets on stage and he grabs he's drunk as hell and he grabs him like he's like he's like this guy hot i want him to fuck my wife y'all for real really and even the matt rife crowd is like oh okay no no he's like but not like kind of for real though like please fuck my wife it's travis kelsey man yeah i mean, he's good at crowd work. Like, you know, you could. I mean, whatever. Every time I see a crowd work up, it's like, what do you do?

And they're like, I'm IT. And they're like, no, you're a faggot. Crowd goes crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to kick his ass. I'm going to I'm going to call it Brandon Wardell and be like, hey, let's go to North

Hollywood Park and invite Matt Rife. Yeah. Hey, Brandon, you're 34. Let's do the right thing. And then I could kill Matt Rife and frame Brandon for the crime. I could leave. I could kill Matt Rife and then Brandon shows up and I toss the gun in the bushes. Right.

And then Porcelain's trying to figure this out like a deep throat type thing. Oh, and he will. Yeah. Porcelain's in a parking lot in Washington, D.C. Too lazy to try is on it. So apparently Ben Avery of the Lemon Party podcast shot and killed

Matt Reif at a park, but blamed it on Brandon Wardell. Anyway, this is sponsored by Factor. Let's take a quick minute for I love too lazy to try. He's great. He's so good he's great great work yeah sounding that boring and being more interesting

than comedy people watch him comment on comedy like it's better than the people so Ben Avery he got he got Matt Rife murdered to death by Brandon Wardell anyway let's go to kill Tony where a guy ate his own

ass. That was the funny, that was the best stand-up comedy I've ever seen. He cut his own ass off on stage and he ate it. No, Kill Tony was great this week. They had a homeless man who fought in the Iraq war and he went up on stage with a noose and said he was going to hang himself

and they just kind of watched him do it. And then he ate his poop out of a bowl. Remember Rafiki and the Lion King when he's mashing up those fruits and that little thing and all that shit? He pooped in a bowl and had pee pee. And he put the thing on it, the Charles Manson thing.

When I say Rafiki, you know I mean he took these knuckles and kind of like mushed it in like that. Like a chimp. And then he drew a swastika on his forehead and shit. With the shit. Yeah. And then Brian Redband fainted. Because he goes, Brian Redband was like, yo.

Meow. By the way, I really think, everybody thinks Brian Redband's best years are behind him. Not at all. Not at all. I can't wait until he looks like the whale. I can't wait until he looks like the whale. I can't wait until he looks like the whale. Looks like the whale and talking like Hector Salamanca with a soundboard.

Being like, Brian, do you want to go to kill Tony? And he's like, Meow, meow. He's angry. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Owen Benjamin shows up to the hospital he's staying at and he goes i killed all of them brian rogan's dead yeah look at me red band

look at me last chance to look at me red band yeah he explodes him with a fucking illegal chinese vape that he just punctured and just flames go everywhere like a samsung phone last last chance to do crowd work bro he uses a delta eight pin to blow himself up yeah it's just yeah he's hitting them and he's fans under his chair and you see that one Delta 8 pin with a kind of a puncture in it. Just a dab rig set up under his rascal scooter to make the biggest cloud ever of all time. It's the only thing keeping it. He's in an iron lung that's full of dab smoke.

Yeah, I can't wait. Because every month he gets fatter. And I love him. I actually really like him a lot. And he's actually really nice. He's actually he's actually the only honest man in comedy. Yeah, because he's that retarded. Well, I like I kind of like Brian because to me, to me, Brian's kind of like a cloud.

You go, hey, there's Brian. And it just kind of moves. And it's just him going, hey, everybody. Yeah, he's like the sun in a Walt Disney cartoon. Well, hey there, Mr. Ben. Yeah. He has a cool Asian girlfriend, too. There's a lot to like about him.

Dude, he honestly rules. Yeah. I wish I was him. Yeah. Yeah. So do I. Literally, just like you work once a week and you should like even like imagine. Think about how little we work.

And then imagine we came here and just sat at a soundboard for three hours. Well, we got our podcasting into like a Skrillex thing. Yeah. Where you just hit the. Yeah. Just hit a button. And underneath there's a little child sucking you off under your weird table. A small Asian child who's actually 34 years old

and consenting. Yeah. Just a beautiful existence. That's Brian's thing. Yeah. Do let people know that's Brian's thing. And you can quote us on that. He finds 34-year-old Asian men with Annie Milonakis disease

that suck him off underneath the He's fucking Bobby Lee. He's like, yo. That's when Brian comes. He goes, yo. I love that. It's like such a beautiful American existence to like every second of the day you are like you

wake up like he wakes up and grabs a Delta 8 pin and gets so high he can't remember his own name. I like any guy that tries anything that just came out and that's him you know that really is that's his personality his personality is just selling a new thing at the

smoke shop I'm gonna buy it immediately. He loves featured items. There's a new computer I'm buying it there's a new car that sucks your dick I'm buying it yeah he's like i got the you know the chimp uh neural leak thing i got that put in my brain yeah it's not even like approved yet he's got blood coming out of his ears it's like it's great when i walk past cars they explode but in that it's like baller. Baller and shit. We were talking about downstairs before this. We can't name who.

We were talking about a person that someone we know is like a co-worker of theirs. One of our friend's co-workers. Yeah. And they're like the dumbest. And every story we hear about this person, you get mad when you start hearing it because they're so fucking stupid yeah beyond beyond dumb but then after you've heard the ninth story you start devin you start to get like envious

you start to get envious of how dumb this person yeah because it's not even ignorance but it's like retardation is bliss yeah they're not just ignorant. Because ignorance, isn't it like when you don't know something, but if you're stupidity is when you're told something and you still get it wrong? There's like the Dunning-Kruger effect where you don't know how bad you are at something yet because your knowledge of the thing itself

is limited, so you think you're actually good. Right. So there is like that. So you're ignorant of how good, how bad you actually are so you think you're right at something i think it's it's kind of like a thing this is a hasty analogy but it's almost like there's a certain amount of dumb where you like grab your balls and your hands and you squish one of your nuts and you're like you're like what is my nut hurt this sucks but then there's a sub level where you're so retarded that you met you mashed your

nuts hard with your hand yeah like like they almost pop and then you're so retarded that you met you mashed your nuts hard with your hand yeah like like they almost pop and then you're so retarded you don't realize that's pain happening in your brain i call that flatlining yeah your whole life is it's the you were born and it went there was never a pulse or anything somebody could slowly push a knife into your leg and be like yeah that's fucked up you're so dumb you're technically already dead you're like i don't know if this is pain i don't know if i'm coming i don't know if i'm a static you're like those buddhists that could like stop their heart but still be alive kind of because they they're just so good at breathing techniques or whatever

literally like a beating there you're so retired you could walk across water because you don't know you can't you're that stupid those people get adult sins like they never die of natural causes no they like they just stop breathing while they're sleeping and they're like yeah they were 48 and they're just really dumb yeah he just forgot yeah we laid him down on his belly and he woke up dead just forgot to breathe yeah we put him down in his crib all weird. Yeah. He stopped breathing. He was 57 years old. He was 57. He kind of threw up some Froot Loops while I was back. Yeah, literally the autopsy, they have to put like cause of death, held his breath.

Held his breath. Stopped him taking air. Cause of death, thought he was underwater for some reason. It was raining and he thought he was in the ocean and just held his breath until he died. Guys, you could shine a blue light at and they think they're underwater and they just start holding. They go

cause of death. Forgot about exhaling. He keeps inhaling more air. I'm breathing. I thought I was supposed to inhale the carbon dioxide and exhale the oxygen. Yo, anybody got a good podcast about breathing?

Yo, is there a Rogan where they talk? You know what's funny? There is a Rogan where they talk about breathing. I'm sure Human Man has a nine episode series on the importance of breathing. Of course. Of course. Yeah yeah it's beautiful when your wife when your wife really sucks it's really beautiful to swing from vine to vine i remember listening to that breathing rogan and being like nose breathing this is gonna finally

fix everything yeah you nose breathe for two days you're like well i still kind of get the deep urge to pull yank my car off this cliff it is funny huberman is just like he's health care now all these podcasts are just health care for people that can't we don't have any health care if you subscribe to huberman's thing it's the only way you can maybe make yourself better or heal yourself there's people that are like internally bleeding and they just turn on a huberman podcast well yeah the more you read about like taking otc stuff you go okay so that destroys my liver that destroys my kidney that destroys my intestine so i guess i'll listen to this guy's podcast and like learn to eat this specific leaf right i can only get a whole you're like well i can't get a blood test i can't afford insulin i can see the sun so like yeah i'll do that yeah yeah

they're like yeah who's my doctor it's the sun i have the same doctor an egyptian would have in the year one it's the equivalent of like having aids and getting soup yeah i feel bad every day unless i drink 70 glasses of water yeah i've been listening to huberman so i get morning sun and then I do cocaine every night because I work car sales. People try to go on diets all the time and they get kidney failure because they're too retarded. Dude, we knew it. They do water fast

and their kidney fails and they die. We know a guy who did... Did you know that? No. The olive oil guy that we watched on the Patreon? He did a water fast before that and he almost died. He had to be like hella vac to a hospital but they were like,

you have kidney failure. Because his body doesn't know what to do with any water that doesn't have caramel color in it. His body's like, the fuck? This is way too clean. Yeah, he's like an alien.

Yeah. He's like the aliens in Signs. Like pouring bleach in a sewage pipe. His body's like, this is, we're Like pouring bleach in a sewage pipe. His body's like, we're for shit. Olive oil to him is like engine oil, probably.

He might as well put transmission fluid in his mouth. He buys his olive oil at AutoZone. He puts a big blue funnel in his mouth and swallows the olive oil. He's so retarded, he has a big stick to see if he's full yet. He pulls it out. He's like, only halfway.

He probably goes through Pet Boy. He goes through an auto zone and acts like it's a drive-thru. He's like, I'll take a quart of... I'll take a new air filter. You see him at Jiffy Lube just standing in the back and they're waving him up.

He's like... He's so retarded they're having to wave him. No, over. You're going to go off the track. He thinks Jiffy Lube is a... He thinks it's a Tommy's. For anyone who doesn't know what we're talking about on the patreon we talked about a guy who only drinks olive oil and we think he's dead but that's on we hope we can only hope episode 60 or 61 what if we're like he actually owns his own company now he just did his sixth iron man. Yeah. It actually worked incredibly.

He started a company like Facebook. He's doing great. It's a company like Facebook, except it's where you find kids to fuck. What were you going to say? I cut you off. You were saying something. Oh, I was saying we know a guy, a comedian who was trying to lose weight and he got in he got really into juicing but not blending you know what i'm talking about so he got into juicing not blending

so juicing takes all the fiber out and he he just juiced apples and pears he had like a cup of like nine apples with no fiber and he drank that 12 times a day for two months. And he, he lost 60 pounds and gave himself diabetes permanently. Cause it's like you, it's like saying like, Hey, I just went on the Coca-Cola diet.

Yeah. All I do is I drink 12 solid Cokes a day. I went on the hummingbird diet. I turned into a fucking hummingbird. Listen, so here's the diet. I can only eat sugar, but I can eat all the sugar I want I'm not allowed to work out

I have to sit in bed And kind of have a panic attack And that's the key The panic attack is what burns the fat I want to so badly ask Who was this? Yeah he's I don't want to because he's like a relatively nice guy.

Just tell him and I'll bleep it out. No, no, don't say it. Don't say it. When did we know him, though? What's his social? Just say it. I'll bleep it out. Okay, fine.

It's Brian Redband. Do you really want me to say it? No. Yeah, just say it. I'll bleep it out. Okay, we'll bleep it. We have mobility within time. say it? No. Yeah, just say it. I'll bleep it out. Okay, we'll bleep it. We have mobility within time. It's...

It's... It's the comic. Yeah. He went on the drum diet. Right. And now there's people just at home like, what the fuck did you watch? What the fuck?

One time I saw him on stage and he was just saying that like, he doesn't have health insurance. I saw that same set. He owes like a hospital hospital $200,000. Yeah. And there were no jokes. And I think at the end, I thought he was going to bring out a cup and ask people to put money in it.

What has comedy become? I've seen him go up and be like, yeah. Literally grab the mic and be like, yeah, so I'm getting evicted. I don't really have enough money to live anywhere else. I'm going to sleep on this stage right here. Anybody want to adopt me? I'm 59. There's a lot of guys

that do stand up for the shelter. It's the one they get like a three, four hour period with a roof. And that's how sad during COVID they still did outdoor comedy shows. Yeah. Even though there was no roof. Yeah. Literally like making squirrels hang themselves in trees.

These little squirrels take floss and then just jump and break their necks. Dude, I literally, when I when I lived in New York, there was a homeless guy who was always on my train home after I did comedy and he would always, he had this huge beard. He looked like kind of like Brett Gelman aman a little bit it might have been brett gellman uh and he would come in with two

huge bags of bread i think he would just like he had a bread hookup guy and he would get on the train it was always the same thing you go ladies and gentlemen i've lost everything i've lost my child my wife is dead the bank took my house little by little i've lost my child. My wife is dead. The bank took my house. Little by little, I've lost my humanity. If you could give just a little bit, you would help me from losing my life. And then he said that every single time that he walked through the door.

I never saw him get a single dollar bill, like one time. I saw him do this like 30 times. And then I would- Did he ever punch it up it was always the same script same script and legitimately i would go i would be getting out of open mics where i saw sadder shit being set into a microphone in front of a crowd damn yeah apparently you can tell when so i think they call it like scripting or something you can tell when someone comes up to you the gas station like hey look my mom is the hospital, but I need five bucks for gas to get

here. Apparently, if they've said it a bunch, you can tell. I forget the term. Is it called racism? That's how you can tell. There's this little cheat code to tell if they're lying or not. You hold up the swatches of all the colors. Yeah, you hold up a paint wheel and you go,

hmm. F8, huh? That's close. What's your eye color? Okay, okay. Jet black? I'm going to say you're lying and you're a liar. They go, yeah, you got me.

You got me. This is a script. You're rapping. Sir, I don't have time for a cipher, all right? It is crazy. You could remake Forrest G gump and if he just did open mics it'd be like the same as going to vietnam yeah you know yeah he'd be matt rife we knew so many lieutenant dan's lieutenant dan is everywhere in comedy yeah we've known people where they've got like almost uncurable diseases you think they're going to die from and you go like okay good maybe they'll finally quit yeah and then they they go literally

people carrying around a bedpan with them we know people i sit and piss in it they go this is my act this is where i write my jokes we know about five people where the the best the best thing that ever happened in their career was getting terminal cancer. Yeah, and they tell people that. They do like this when the doctor tells them they have four months. They go, woo! Woo! Yes!

They're like, I'm about to ruin an HBO special. Sorry, do you have to bleep that now, too? No, it's fine. It's fine. I didn't even mean him. There's a few others Ben and I have found. Oh, no, there's many. We have a lot of tabs open.

A lot of tabs. A lot of tabs open. Let me tell you what. A lot of sickly people out there, and it's doing wonders for their career. I mean, we've known people who have gotten smushed by those roller machines from highways that flattens tar. What?

Who framed Roger Rabbit? Yeah. Who framed Roger Rabbit? Who framed Roger Rabbit? And they're like, hey, everybody, Brantford, as you know, got smashed into a bunch of tar like a pancake. We started a GoFundMe because he wants to be able to hit the mics

again as soon as possible. If you do comedy, you know people that have been hit by asteroids. Like, struck by lightning. Things that never happened to anybody. People that have been swallowed by alligators. Yes. Killed by sharks in the middle of the desert. Guys who have been picked up scuba diving out of a lake

and then dropped on a fire. People that have been killed by water snakes in a kiddie pool. Yeah, it's everybody that dies at the beginning of Magnolia. That sequence with Pat. Like all those people, they were all stand-up comedians. Yes. Guys who got accidentally locked in their own

fridge and died in there. Because they forgot food was in there. They starved to death. People bludgeoned to death by frogs from the sky. People, they go, yeah, did you hear about Fred? Yeah, he got killed by a plague of locusts. Fred got killed by a toad. Yeah, did you hear?

Frederick, so he's walking to his one show a year. He actually gets booked on. And funniest thing, the earth opened up and swallowed him and then closed again. And so Jacob was there and he said he swore he could see big red

hands reaching up to pull him into the crevice before it closed up. Hear that, Ray? He got killed by a rake. I don't know why the rake was at the club, but he stepped right into it. You all right there, Ben? Yeah. I was just laughing.

I'm just having a good time. Just having a good-ass time. I'm eyeing that bottle of Crown over there. Oh, are you? Well, yeah yeah in the purple velvet i mean who could resist and that's that's what that's why you buy crown comes in this like i said it's a little crackhead purse i never bought it because i hated myself so much that i was like crown's a little too nice for someone like me it's that's crown nice that's for royalty

i know i'm a sir yeah yeah to be fair you would also like look at burnett's vodka and be like i don't know i'm not trying to put on airs you would walk a date tonight yeah you'd be walking around the liquor store and be like hey man let me do you have um zippo lighter fluid i don't see that anywhere crown is for alcoholics that like go to medieval times on date night. Yeah. When I saw The Master for the first time when Freddie Quill played by Joaquin Phoenix is drinking, he's sucking on the teat of that torpedo to get the torpedo

juice out of it to get fucked up on it. I googled that to see if I could also get fucked up on it. Because he's mixing... It's so cool in the movie. It's the coolest movie ever. It's like my favorite movie. The way Freddie Quell is mixing like paint thinner and torpedo juice.

And I think he's putting like a little bit of like Minute Maid in there too. And like he's sprinkling like crack on it. Yeah. A little bit of cum. And it must be. And it like it's a drink that's so good, he kills people from town to town. He gives it to old men and they take one drink of it and they die.

It's not supposed to kill you. Liver can't process it. Yeah, he just goes like, it's not supposed to kill you, you just didn't drink it right. He didn't drink it right. He didn't drink it right. Yeah.

You know, he just studied videos of monkeys to play that role. He just watched videos of monkeys. That makes sense. You've seen the movie, right? Yeah, I've seen the... Yeah. I was about to say The Crown for some reason. Yeah, The Master.

Yeah, it's brilliant. Yeah. I was the same, but I saw Philip Seymour Hoffman get jerked off into the sink, and I go, I want to be that guy. That was my favorite scene. Yeah. I love coming in an efficient way yeah i love any time like it's like oddly hot i'm like hell yeah amy adams like understands like like moving on

like a like a utilitarian she understands like there's a day to be had yeah she she jerks him off like she's in the marines yeah yeah yeah she's like oh sergeant i've never come in like a cold sink that must be awesome it's not it's not bad it's not bad the only the the the worst part about coming somewhere you shouldn't is getting rid of the cum that's the worst part yeah yeah i've stood over my toilet before and come right into the bowl it's fun yeah you pretend the toilet's your bitch you get to go like yeah you just feel like i can't you feel like you're conquering something. You're just like, ah, standing while coming

is a fun thing. Yeah. I stole one of my roommate's condoms once and jacked off into it because I didn't know what a condom like felt like or anything. Yeah, I used to steal condoms from out of the closet all the time and you'd put it on and jack off with it on and I always went out as I would jack off and I hope a guy's getting aids right now because he couldn't get this

he's like oh that's what really does it oh yeah somebody's getting aids just also like a horny like mr slave from south park being like oh i'm gonna get real in the ass but that guy took all the condoms oh well just a bloody fucked up obviously aids dick fucks yeah muscle beach yeah he's like well i guess i have to get aids that was just like fuck fuck i imagine you also didn't put the condom on you like held the condom out and then you jerked off into the condom yeah i probably did yeah i think about it you didn't put it on i probably put it on wrong i'm trying to think i wonder if i put it on like like it's a guy like rob like the pantyhose in raising arizona it's just over the head of the name yeah like

i'm robbing a convenience store in 1987 yeah there's i just put it on barely over the my big fat tip which is huge which is huge by the way it would be fucked up if I thought a condom is supposed to be a tourniquet and I tie it around my dick and tie it with it like I put a pencil through it and then twist it like that

you know the tourniquet works you have to use a device or it doesn't work but if anyone knows that if you're ever in a mass shooting you have to have the thing to turn it to keep it stuck. Or any other life-saving situation. I take the condom and I use it as a tourniquet on my dick. And I just keep jacking off until my dick falls off. And I think that's what having sex is.

I think having sex is neutering yourself or castrating yourself. Pardon me, because you're that retarded I got my dick my dick now I gotta take the cigarette lighter from my car and wait for it to get hot and then stick it on and cauterize the room and then I gotta drill a little hole back there

and now I have a small dick yeah you're just hanging out with the guy from Wu-Tang Clan chopped his half his penis off at this point I wouldn't get mad if I woke up and I found out my dog ate my penis while I was sleeping. Who cares? Who gives a shit anymore? This is real. It would honestly be fantastic.

If I found out I slept walked and cut my cock off or I slammed the car door on my dick and it snapped off. I don't care anymore. I think I'm already I have one baby on the way. I've like done my time. Katie saved all your calm like an Israeli soldier. She jerks you off with that machine in your sleep and just puts it in a big cryo tube.

I do love those guys. We won't talk about Israel again, but I do love those guys like diving behind enemy lines getting shot at just to like run up and then like a buckle guy and jerk him off yeah they have a big medical helmet but it's just a it's a guy's dick on it

has the porn hub logo on the helmet there are people I guess you never think about it because like if you're like a Palestinian guy and you've been like in your house, the tanks are going up and down the street. It's been, when did they invade? Like October 10th? Or when did they protect themselves?

I don't know, the day after. It's October 10th? The day after, whatever. So yeah, what's the date? November 20th? Sorry, it was 1948. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's been like 40 days. Yeah. There's a guy, like a Palestinian guy pacing up and down. How many times has that guy jerked off at this point? Like even though there is trouble and like tanks going up and down, like bombs going off, at some point he's probably beat off. Oh, thousands. Oh, yeah.

His prayer rug, like it lays flat like it looks like a flying carpet yeah he's he's ran out of rags and he's jizzing on his uh he's jizzing on his stupid prayer rug he pays uh praise to the west end i mean if you're a palestinian necrophiliac it must be heaven over there you're like templeton the rat yeah the fair yeah like scrooge mcduck just diving in the bodies yeah yeah that must be great just yeah like window shopping just dead children feeling feeling their asses like they're grapefruits it's got to be a hell of a thing to stumble upon um fucking a dead person and like and like what if you fuck a dead person you're

like you know what not really for me though not really my thing i thought i'd enjoy it more but uh i could take it or leave it i wonder if the people out there try it like they're just like i'm had a period where i was by in college i was literally gonna say a guy who's like yeah i thought i was a necro guy and then you know i fucked a couple dead guys i was like like come on we all went to berkeley we don't try to we all tried to fuck a corpse listen we all got a little too drunk one night and dug up a body infected we've all listen it was the jazz age most necrophiliacs you know they they're addicted to the damn shit me i could take it i could stop at any time me take it or leave it bud what if that's why israel's doing? They're just necrophiliacs.

They can't wait to go in there and fuck all the bodies. Well, they're definitely pedophiles. I've heard about that. I don't know if they are pedophiles. They're killing a lot of kids. Well, because they're necrophiliacs. Oh, they're necrophiliac pedophiles. They're driving the market up.

Supply and demand. Devin makes a good point. So does Jace. Yeah. I can see it to both of you guys. The pedophiles are not doing it. It's the guys who sell the children to the pedophiles are trying to drive the price up. Yeah. The pedophiles are watching those rockets go and they're just screaming. It's simple economics.

It's supply and demand. Exactly. You fuck with their supply, demand goes up. Listen, the pedophile salesmen in Israel are like De Beers Diamond diamond company right now they're just locking babies in a vault to drive the did you know like diamonds are actually like worthless wait what is the beers diamond they own like they're like the the parent company that owns every like diamond supplier yeah in the world i always knew diamonds were worthless i got like katie's ring is my great grandmother's ring that grandma gave me yeah and i was like isn't this so much more beautiful?

But I was really, I had no money at the time. I think I had $150 in my check. It's covered in slave blood. It's got a whip engraved on it. Yeah. To my dearest master. The slaves gave the owners rings. A gem as beautiful as a slave's tear.

Look at it glisten. It's very funny because Ben got that ring from my, it was grandma's ring, right? No, no, no. It was her mother's ring, I believe. Hair omen. Something, I don't know. At the camps, yeah.

But he was like, he got it from my mom like two years before he proposed, so he just gave it to me, so it was sitting in my closet for two years, a foot away from it just jacking off for just 700 years in a row. Well, I was just waiting for... I was like, I got to be sure that I'm... I got to know I'm a man first before I...

I'm like, I can't just willy-nilly do this. I have to know that I... Like, I'm a fucking man. I wanted to be a man before I did a man thing. You're like, I gotta go to a bar, fuck a guy, then kill him because he made me cum. Yep. I have to have a Rambo-style

freakout where I try to kill everybody in a town and I'm running to the woods. Because I tried to fuck a guy and he was like, oh no. And then I pulled out a knife and fucking cut his head off like OJ. I can't believe that's not the plot of a movie in 1981 where a guy hits on a dude at a bar and he's like, I'm not gay. And then

the guy kills him. He starts killing everybody in the entire town. Literally shooting down army helicopters. Closeted Rambo. And it's probably that he'd be like, hey, nobody cares if you're gay. Bye. It's an open town. And he's like,

he drew first cub. Not me. He drew first cub. I just wanted to find a place to eat pussy. And you wouldn't let me. Yeah, shooting throwing rocks and guys are falling out of helicopters.

He kills like 3,000 people. Yeah, riding a motorcycle through the town and just fucking Terminator 2 shooting people. People are like shooting at him. It's okay, be you. It's okay to be you. Our mayor's guy is like, fuck you. And then the sequel, Rambo 2 is him in Vietnam just sucking off every guy at the camps

at the prisoner of war sucks off every single guy every single dude like even the guys right in the camps are like dude please like stop my dick hurts stop he's like I'm gonna fucking suck you I'm gay Rambo. He fights in Vietnam for the hairless ass.

Yeah. He's like Tommy to that bed frame without the cover on it. And then fuck me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm reading about Vietnam right now. He fucked John McCain. So good.

He breaks his arms. He's butt fucking John McCain. And John McCain's bent over and his hands are against the wall. Getting butt fucked. Senator John McCain who died of cancer. And Rambo fucks him so good that he breaks his arms backwards. And that's the reason he can't lift his hands up anymore. And that's the reason his daughter's fat. Yeah, that's the reason he can't lift his hands up anymore yeah and that's the reason his daughter's fat yeah that's the reason yep his daughter's because he got fucked so good in

vietnam yeah what were you gonna say benjamin oh i'm reading tree of smoke by dennis johnson right now and uh i didn't realize how fucked up vietnam is yeah because dennis johnson the guy who wrote it because they say you have to like write what you know apparently his dad was like a cia guy who was like in manila and all these different places so he actually knows like he definitely met all these weird fucks and psyops and people that fought in vietnam and every war scene is nobody knows what's going on people are they go i think i just they go i saw a guy and i shot him and he's dead now and now i don't knows what's going on people are they go i think i just they go i saw a guy and i shot him and he's dead now and now i don't know what's going everybody's really racist and yeah

people are doing war crimes it's it's it's really like lord of the flies where you're basically just giving people like you're giving little kids guns and they're all killing each other and no one knows what's going on at all the only soldiers who are really getting killed are either getting chopped in half by a big rock tied to a rope or they go to another soldier. They're like, hey, don't. I saw you rape that kid and shoot it in the head. Like, don't do that anymore.

And then that guy gets murdered in his sleep. Hey, here's some pot. Yeah. This will slow you down. There's one scene where they go to a bar and they call him Charlie. They call them VCs, the Viet Cong. Yeah, Charlie.

Yeah, they called the Asian people Charlie back then. Yeah, they called them Charlie. I don't know why. I don't think it had anything to do with Charlie Brown. Charlie Chan. Charlie Chan. Who's Charlie Chan? He was a silent star.

He was like this karate Asian guy played by a white guy. Oh, so if we were still allowed to be racist, we'd call Chinese people Jackies. Listen, who's stopping you, buddy? Yeah, you can do that. Who's stopping you? That fucking commie bastard. You think we're going to stop you, bud?

Yeah. I had an uncle that used to go to Chinese restaurants and be like, thanks, Charlie. Really? Called every Chinese guy Charlie. Would they be offended by that? I mean, I don't know. They don't give a shit.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're right. They got their $4.99. What do they care? They don't care. Have the egg drop soup. They don't care.

Call me the N-word for all I care. They're all about efficiency. Step on my bus. Oh, I like the racists. They come, they leave. They go still. He good man. He want me to die.

Good man. He just as racist as I am. Against every race besides Laotian. I cut you off, I think. Oh, what were you just saying? Oh, so yeah, they strung up a VC guy.

Sounds like they strung up a venture capitalist. So it was a guy in a Patagonia vest. Yeah, they strung up a Viet Cong guy and they like put his hands behind his back and tied him up and then a guy in a patagonia vest yeah they strung up a viet kong guy and they like they like put his hands behind his back and tied him up and then set him in a tree like this and

his feet are like dangling and then some uh uh there's a black guy in it and his name is black man and because you're seeing it from the point of view of the protagonist real creativity yeah at one point the black guy's running he's fuck, there's tons of motherfuckers back there. And he's firing and protecting all of them. And then the guy has a thought. He goes, I'll never look at black people the same. He goes, I had respect for that. Boop.

He goes, I'm not going to call him the N-word anymore, I think is the line. It's an amazing book. But they string him up. It's an amazing book. They put him up. And some guy's pissed. And I think it's Black Man. And he goes over there.

I'm totally getting this wrong. And Aaron Gwynn's going to call me later. He puts his thumbs in his eyes. And he rips out his eyes. And he goes, I want you to see what a big fucking commie piece of shit you are. And he rips his eye out. And the guy's going, ah! And he takes his eyeball and he turns it around he goes

now you see that you're a fucking piece of shit could the guy see his own body well i don't know i mean the guy was screaming yeah they weren't really doing experiments or anything uh and for all i know this is based on a this is a true story because dennis johnson like his dad like this was his fucking dad sure and dennis johnson was like really fucked up so uh then the colonel comes over and puts a gun to the guy's head because some guys like dude don't they're all standing around like stop stop but the same like if you saw a kid smashing a bird with a rock you'd be like dude come on come on man dude it's like it should die but like dude like kill it quicker that's fucked up so

the colonel walks over and blows his head off and his brains go everywhere and he goes limp and then another guy who's been fighting in the war just starts dying laughing he thinks it's hilarious so people are so fucked up over there do they just see people's heads blowing up and they just go i mean you gotta laugh hey you gotta laugh if you don't laugh you cry and then the funniest thing is that guy like goes home and then just like you know he like runs the 4-h club i always knew vietnam was fucked up but i was like oh that guy had to like four years later he's a principal yeah he's sitting in a school yeah and he's like no i'm very sorry that uh you know miss john Johnson was a little late. I know she's going

through a divorce right now, but I think your kid's getting a quality education. And he's just thinking about black man pulling out a guy's eyeball and pointing at the kid. Yeah, he's like,

listen, the grades are a little bad this year. And then his head, he's like, that time I fucked a kid in Vietnam, that time I fucked a kid. He's like,

don't think about that. They're like, what? He's like, sorry. Anyway. Yeah, apparently they all rape the women and kids over there. I haven't got to that part of the book. That's part of the GI Bill. Do they rape kids in Platoon?

I don't know about that, but I think they raid villages and they do horrible things. I love Platoon. I haven't seen it in a while. Yeah. Willem Dafoe revealed that they were all high in that scene where they smoked weed. Whoa. That's crazy. Dude, a good one. Willem Dafoe revealed that they were all high in that scene where they smoked weed. Whoa. That's crazy. Dude, that's neck and foot. Willem Dafoe

turned in the interview and he's like, hey, I'll let you in on a little secret. We all smoked a little grass before. Remember when we smoked weed out of the shotgun in Platoon? Yeah. He goes, we were actually smoking a little devil's lettuce before that. So I'll let you in on a little secret. We were high during that scene and then tom bergeron cut a woman's belly out and i turned him i go tommy

you really fucked us now and all of a sudden like listen i know a guy who let us fuck more kids he's like, what? He's like, and now I do Wes Anderson movies. I know a guy who lets us fuck more kids. Yeah, no, I mean, I... His name is Opie. He used to be on Anthony O. I'm William Dafoe, and I'm talking about Greg Opie Hughes.

My old war buddy. Who fucks kids. No, all the guys in Vietnam, they look like Opie in the thing like no wonder they're all just like in downtown LA they're all vets it all makes sense to me now

I didn't realize it was that crazy like I knew it was crazy but I didn't know you were like yeah I didn't know you just like people were wandering around and just killing and raping people and then they just go okay come home now the minute you're in a situation where there's not a tgi fridays people are just killing babies and throwing them on rocks and shit i guess i always knew that was happening but i have it's like a 700 page book so i have like empathy for these characters now

where i'm understanding it on a higher level yeah we're like all of a sudden you i hand you a plane ticket you land and i give you a gun and then people all of a sudden are shooting at you but they don't even and you just start killing them you're like what the fuck wasn't one of those wars were like they didn't quite know who to even because like because the vietnamese were killing vietnamese like there was it was like a civil war going on so you're just kind of like i don't even fucking know it was north versus south i think the biggest thing was like they didn't know who was via kong who was yeah they're just like everyone's screaming. It's fucking wacky.

Yeah, they're fighting against people doing guerrilla warfare. You know what's really sad, too? It's because they dropped all the napalm and all the bullshit. And they killed off a lot of species of monkey, too. So there were all these infirmaries with monkeys in them. And they were laying on gurneys. And people were trying to heal the monkey. But a monkey, if you see a little monkey it's like a little human baby you know what's crazy is this the is the first time you've said and here's a sad fact what is

the monkeys is the monkeys you just care about the monkeys yeah wait what what's wrong with the monkey you're a sociopath yeah you're like tony soprano you care about the ducks yeah in war no what are you like you're like people you're like so i'm laughingano. You care about the ducks in war. You're like, so I'm laughing because he's cutting this guy's eyes out. But on a sadder note, they hurt a couple of monkeys. You're sociopathic. He was an innocent fucking monkey.

What'd she ever do to you? He was living in the fucking jungle. Swing him up, tweet and tweet. Yeah, Vietnam was fucked up. Yeah, Vietnam was really bad. But they have to kill all the fucking monkeys. That's so fucked. Who gives a shit about animals?

No. But a monkey's like a person. In the middle of war? A monkey's a person. Come on. Monkey's a person. Yeah, they're a lower person. Yeah, we came from them, but they still suck ass. Also, if

you're a monkey and you're not a human, why did you not evolve, retard? How about I blow your head off? There's a lot of humans I'd like to kill too, and I don't. If you told me I get 40 grand, but every monkey alive dies, I'd be like, deal. Put it on the table, fuckface.

I think we need to have a new rule. New rule. New rule. New rule. New rule. Fuck monkeys. I think something is human if it can create art. And is not Chinese.

And has my color of eyes. No, but I think an elephant can't kill elephants. No, elephants are beautiful. It's fucking insane we kill elephants. I know people that have mourned their friends worse than elephants. Elephants are better than them in terms of

thoughtful. Than comedians. Yeah. I think monkeys can paint and like just sign language and shit so they're they're in dolphins are can be gay i think that is that's art in itself it's all sucking penis because oh dolphins can be gay they can be in like gay relationships with each other and they know what rape is a dolphin and they they've raped women yeah a dolphin a dolphin has tricked a human woman into jerking it off regularly,

and that's an art form to me. That is amazing. Yeah, that is an art form is gaslighting a woman into getting hand jobs. Well, you've heard it here first. You've heard it here first. It's dolphins, monkeys, and elephants. Pigs, kind of human. Yeah, a pig.

And, I mean, when I find out that they're putting dogs in huge blenders in China, that's bad. But also, when I imagine China, I'm just imagining tons of dogs running through the street like cattle for some reason. I'm like, yeah, you got to do your thing, I guess. Yeah, whatever. Also, it makes sense that little Asian women, they can't even walk dogs. They're like horses to them.

Of course they butcher them. To them, it's cattle. You know what I mean? Dogs are too damn big for Chinese people. They love little hamsters. I see them on TikTok. They love little hamsters and mice and baby kittens and stuff. Why would they walk a dog?

Even their dogs over there, they breed them to be the size of Monopoly. Is an Asian lady going to walk a noodle? It's food. Are you in the street walking a cow? What are you talking about? Yeah, she's taking her wonton on a walk. Morality is weird, though. It's on a spectrum.

I went and saw... Ida's been out of town, so I've been a little sad. I've been like a Travis Bickle type the last week and a half. I went and saw Priscilla alone. What'd you think? And I liked it. And I don't know. Elvis was a very respectful, polite, endearing pedophile.

He's a little violent at times, but I don't know if that's true. But if you're going to get molested, it's one of the better deals out there yeah like that's the thing like the first 20 minutes of the movie is like her trying to like like priscilla trying to convince her parents to like let her hang out with elvis and i kept i was like if i was her dad i'd be like you're fucking going i'm like get elvis to put his cum in you and get pregnant i'd be putting her in like really whorish outfits. You'd be pushing Elvis' ass into your daughter. Yeah.

Fucking Elvis. You'd be like, fuck her. Fucking Elvis. Yeah, come on. So I don't know. Because he was stunted, you know? I wish I could get pregnant, man. Like, imagine making yourself super fertile.

Huh? What? Making yourself super fertile just so you're like, I'm going to fuck Elvis tonight and I'm not going to let him pull out. And then forever I don't have to do shit. I'd love to be like a hoe at like the NBA All-Star game. Oh, 100%. I'd love to fuck Andre Drummond and then never work again.

Yeah. Because that's anchor baby shit. You know what I mean? That's your anchor baby. Yeah. Well, the real secret this is 4d chess i don't even know if these whores are doing it you gotta fuck some guy who's not usually gonna fuck like andre drummond you fuck him no he might get nine other baby mommies you're

splitting a check eight ways you gotta you gotta get jeremy lynn to fuck you yeah it's only five million dollars career earning but it's all going to you. Yeah. You're not split in that. Right. You know? Right. Yeah. Just a thought for any NBA horse. I thought he was the most famous NBA player, by the way. Jeremy Lin? Yeah.

Isn't he like the first Asian basketball player like ever or something? I mean, there's like Yao Ming. Do you know? Here's a fun fact. The first non-white person to play in the NBA was an Asian American. Really? Yeah. Before black guys?

Before black guys. Who? I literally don't know his name it was like it was like you know ted marie carwire or something like that some gay shit like that i never knew that yeah that's pretty crazy considering like world war ii and everything we still let like a japanese guy well i mean playing the nba before a black because our options were like a like black people and so we're like listen all right baby steps asian guy first kind of you know halfway point what period of time was this like 1946 i think jesus christ yeah it was crazy thinking about george mikan punched him to death on the half court like wacky guys like in the 1850s they were always like insanely fucking racist and like they would like keep like a would keep a black person in a cage,

but then their pet monkey would be on their shoulder. They'd be like, this monkey kicks ass, but fuck. Yeah. Sorry, Devin. No, it's fine. I can see through the obviously racist comparison. I know you're just saying animals were treated better than black people, but you just had

to do a monkey once again. There's sometimes when we're recording that me and Devin shoot an eye at each other. Like we're at Thanksgiving dinner and grandma just had a certain name for macadamia nuts. And we look like, oh, Jesus.

I like that. That was funny, though. It's that was a good that was i like that that was funny though it's that time i know what you were saying i know you're saying no i get it but it's like you probably need to wrap up soon before i start you know just it's just sometimes it's like a funny bit but it's like you know you do like a windmill dunk and then your pants fall down and we have to talk about the pants your penis is out your penis fell out and your balls were really long what is by the way what is that when you see a penis sometimes you see a penis but it looks like a slug's head that's just a not circumcised penis but sometimes it looks really fucked up and it looks like those

weird like see an enemy things women don't actually put that in their mouth right yeah they don't suck the skin part no they they but they Yeah, they do. They don't suck the skin part. No, they pull... But they have to to get it hard, right? No, you can pull the skin down. Yeah. I wish I wasn't circumcised. Wait, but so women then have to hold the skin back when they hold their hair back to suck dick? It's got a pretty interesting...

You know, there's physics to it. They work well. Looks disgusting. I would never suck an uncircumcised dick. Apparently, they make whores cum. I don't know. Women don't cum. That's... No, it is. Apparently they make whores come. I don't know. Women don't come.

I'm not buying that women come. That is bullshit. Enough of that. They're all faking. Enough of that. They've always faked. I've watched Tony Soprano have more orgasms than I've given. Yeah. Always my favorite part of the Sopranos is just like,

just the kind of Tony go like, and then rolling over. And then a hundred pound woman be like, Oh, Tony, you just fucked the shit out of me. Like he got past nine pumps. They need it. I wish they still did myth busters so they could have an episode.

They're like, do women actually come right? And they're like, Jamie's never had sex with a woman. He's fucking a beanie. Yeah. He fuck fucking a beanie. He fucks his own mustache. Yeah.

Anyway, patreon.com slash living party. Yeah. I'm sorry I cut you off, Devin. What were you going to say? No, I wasn't going to say anything. Have you guys seen any movies lately? We saw, me and Jay saw the the paul giamatti film the whole hours yeah pretty good we could talk about on the patreon if you want no i don't care there's nothing to say it's a good decent movie i've just i don't know i love alexander payne he's great

he's great i've been saying i have that like amc pass now the a stub thing the like where i can go like all the time and i was watching a movie and I realized they brought up how old the AMC was and I was like, this theater the AMC is older than Israel. I was like, that's a little funny. Interesting. But I am pro-Israel.

I hate sand monkeys. They're stinky. Alright. I hate sand monkeys. They're stinky. Okay. All right. Okay. I can't even believe these babies pulled that off. Let's go! I can't believe these babies pulled off October 7th.

You're telling me babies slaughtered all these people? I did see your tweet that hospitals are disgusting and they should be leveled. They are gross. People are sick. They're very cold. People are sick. Bomb them. I also think, yeah, Hamas shouldn't be hiding in baby skulls. Yeah. There's a reason we have to snipe them. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Anyway, Hamas has a network of tunnels inside a baby skull. I'm fucking, I can say sand thing. You're Palestinian. We'll bleep that one too. I'm Lebanese and my mom had two cousins killed by Israel in Beirut in like the 80s.

So it's fine. But they I'm sure they sucked. Yeah I'm sure they sucked ass. They probably were smelly. Okay. But I've been seeing a lot of movies because I want to support Jewish businesses. I just I'm looking on the bright side of all this that in four years

we're going to have the coolest Call of Duty of all time where I can just play as a rabbi walking through Gaza with an M16 shooting babies. That's going to be awesome. If you hand out medical supplies, you die immediately. You lose the game. No, I hand out medical supplies and it's poison.

That's pretty smart. That's a good one. But it's kosher. I just want to play as the rabbis. I think the IDF is literally rabbis. It'll be the worst. It's all rabbis. It's the Hebrew hammer.

It's the first person shooter where you change guns and then just like a billfold comes up in one hand. No, I want to like play Call of Duty in four years where like my melee weapon is a menorah. And I can like I use them like brass knuckles and they're like a Palestinian baby's head. And I just I just fucking smash it. They have a like an infomercial like like Billy Mays thing. There's a special neutral bullet.

Yeah. There's a special level that's Palestinian baby zombies. Yeah, there's a knock there on Toten level. Anyway, I'm sorry for continuing this drunkenly. Yeah, I apologize. Patreon.com. Patreon.com.

Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com.

Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com.

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Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Patreon.com. Jace at SideJongs by Jace Devin at HateWatchPod. Live streams every Wednesday on the Lemon Party Clips channel at around 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And we got a sketch coming out. But I think it will already be out.

It will already be out. Never mind. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But we're writing another one as we speak. Bye. Bye, everybody. Bye. What the fuck is this piece of shit?

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina Music would play and Paulina would whirl Music would play and Paulina would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Paulina, wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican maid. I was in love, but in vain I could tell. One night a wild young cowboy came in, wild as