lemonparty - 058: the Soda Fountainhead

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

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Hey, sounds amazing. Sounds great. Unbelievable. Hey. Sounds amazing. Sounds great. Unbelievable sound. Could you turn me down a little bit in the headphones? Unbelievable sound. Okay, that's fantastic. Thank you.

You are a master at sound. I've been meaning to tell you this. You're great at sound, and we all love you and support you. Are we on? Yeah, we're on. Oh. Well, I didn't want to say that. Well't want to say that yeah you suck and you're retarded yeah you really love entrapment audio version yeah ben's the only podcast

you're wears a wire and then he like opens up his like email like a fucking big shot i mean this is crazy do you want people to i guess they know your email people used to ask me like what your email was to like, you know, try and get on or I don't know, just get things out of you. And you used to just give me like a fake email and be like, all right, here it is. Right. I don't remember that. I gave you a fake email.

That's hilarious. Or maybe it was this one. Your check one. To be fair, your email. I tried to get you a job one time and you handed me a resume and the email I think was like dank weed cost at gmail.com. It was like weed wizard dank man. All my emails were made in ninth grade.

Yeah. So what was the, I guess you can't say cause you're still using that one. Here and there. Yeah. Okay. My apologies. Here and there, Jace. Okay.

Please. Act accordingly. I didn't actually say what it was, but it was like, it was like pot wizard. I've had a lot of meetings with like agents and, and they're like, what's your email? And I'm like, it's 42069, come face. I made it in middle school, but I don't want to change it. They're like, I get it. Respect.

We got the round table on? Yeah. Oh, I already have it on right here. The antithesis to comedy? Mm-hmm. A round table about how self-important it is. Yeah, this is good. It's really good stuff, actually.

It's really good. Have you watched it? I did. I watched it. It's only 23 minutes. Can I tell you? Because they have nothing to say. They made a great point, which is you can't be afraid to offend people.

You can't be afraid to offend, dude. And Matt Rife offended people by trying to write a joke. He tried to write a joke once and it offended everybody yeah and he lost all his whores all his whores who tried to cancel him in a weird machiavellian where they're like he got jaw surgery he tried to the jokes were offensive i've heard them before it's like no just say you can cancel somebody for just being retarded and sucking ass you can just just say it looked like he needed oxygen. And we should normalize that, I think. I mean, just people sucking ass and getting canceled for that alone.

That is always kind of the hidden reason why certain people get canceled. This person sucks ass. This other person, we love their body of work. So we don't cancel them. I mean, everybody knows Bill Murray beat the shit out of his wife. Nobody cares. Nobody cares because he's fucking Bill Murray. He played Garfield. For Christ's sakes, it's Bill Murray.

Jim Carrey reenacted Duel with his girlfriend and she killed herself. Everybody has fun, but if you like their work, no one really cares. Matt Rife loved Fire Marshal Bill so much he got his same teeth. He loves Jim Carrey. He's a student of comedy.

Yeah. What if he pulls a reverse Michael Jackson and becomes black over his career? By like 50, he's black and he talks like he's Matt fucking Rice. People are at the grocery store. They're looking at the tablets. His nostrils are widening. Every night he puts a little fucking divider. He moves a 16th of an inch a day. Starting to look like the tablets. His nostrils are widening. Every night he puts a little fucking divider. He moves a sixteenth of an inch

a day. He's starting to look like the game. No, Matt Reif... Yeah, he outed himself. He outed himself. He has tons of cert... I see a... With Matt Reif, I see a... Like a future that is akin to the

wrestler. I see, like, you know, in 20 years, like, you'll be walking down the street, you see him out front of the laugh action. He goes, that rowdy rock is rife. And you go, hey, rowdy, you sucked ass. You go, didn't you suck ass in 87? And he'll be like, all alright, okay. Thanks, everybody.

He's just like, you hear like the Bruce Springsteen song, you ever seen one trick pony in the field so happy and free? He's just like standing in like a field, like trying to do crowd work on tall grass. He's like, so y'all just be like swaying in the wind and shit. That's crazy. And the song is just like, you ever see a dumbass

wigger on stage doing crowd work? And then you see me! You seen me! Wanted to say the N-word on stage. You seen me! I was like, you just... Sorry. Talk about BBLs all day. Got a metal

chin in your face. You seen me. So this skit sparked multiple friendships of mine by the way no we literally used to stand outside open mics and scream this bit to each other all three of us i think honestly became friends kind of over this and me and jack like it was like unbelievable how many people i met and we all made fun of this and And he was a kid. We should have been so mad. His teeth used to be very bad. He had cannibal teeth.

He didn't have a jaw. He used to have cannibal teeth. LA is definitely different. Your guys' homeless people are real. They are not playing. Nobody warned me about this. I was at the bus stop waiting for my ride, and one ran up on me and goes,

excuse me, man, I didn't mean to scare you. I was like, you just did. That's like the scare you run up. Like, don't do that, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He just says, young man,

I was just wondering, how old are you? That's really none of your business, you know? He just went, god dang right, that none of my business. Man.

That's funny. It's funny that his black guy voice sounds whiter than his real voice. Yeah. Oh, no, it cut the line out. That cuts the did you just shimmied away from me shimmied away from me did you just shimmy away from me it's crazy he like uh he's he tried to relate he tried to be one of the guys by like like getting veneers and 30 rounds of botox

and then but then also he lied about never having plastic surgery in his life By getting veneers and 30 rounds of Botox. But then also he lied about never having plastic surgery in his life. That was his big thing. He goes, all my haters say I've had plastic surgery. Which is so funny to me because that's the last thing I would ever do is get plastic surgery. He looks like he got prison fuck toy surgery. He got a pocket pussy installed in his throat. Look at him. He's like a human fleshlight.

I will fuck the shit out of your head. I would buy Matt Rife's head for $500 to fuck. Good God. Look at that beautiful shark tail face. That, oh, I would come all over that. It's bizarre because like, none of us are gay in here, but yet you want to stick your penis in his mouth.

Because he got feminine surgery. Because he looks like Rhea Butcher. Yeah. Doesn't part of you feel like his lips feel like if you carved out a hole in a bar of soap and then ran it under hot water? It's the perfect size for your dick. And by that, I mean slightly too small. You guys know what I'm talking about. That's what his lips feel like. I know exactly what you're talking about, Ben. He looks like you

throw him in the microwave before you fuck him. You want to get him a little warmed up for your cock. His lips are two sponges and a rubber band. God bless him. Look at that. I want to fuck him so bad. Oh my God. I'd love to just blind him. He might have got a dead woman's pussy, replaced

his mouth with that. Like a gay Frankenstein. He's a gorgeous man. And it's all fake. But at the end of the day, at least he's hilarious. Yeah, he rolls. It is funny to get to... He'll be fine. He'll have a a Dane Cook trajectory kind of, but like...

Sure. It is funny that he kind of fake canceled himself. He's not canceled, but whatever. That's the narrative I keep seeing online. Because he tried to like be one of the boys. Right. Well, here's the thing is he's so retarded. He's like, everybody thinks of me as like a hot robot.

Crowd work. it retard. I'll show them I'm a great comedian by copying people who are really bad at comedy. Yeah. You know? Yeah. He's like doing like women beating jokes and shit. Yeah. Coming up being like, you can't.

My pronouns, fuck slash you, bud. Like stuff like Bill Maher type attitude coming out yeah man what do you guys think of this picture that's great barely fuckable yeah he looks like he's about to be propositioned by elvis to live at graceland hey baby can i fuck that pussy i've been in the armor too long baby i went in germany too long, baby. I've been in Germany too long, baby. I want that wigger pussy just like me. You know I love black culture, baby.

You know I love fucking young, fake black pussy. I'd like to shake my hips to you, baby. You could see the colonel holding his little boy ass down while Elvis isn't zipping his huge suit and his huge cock pops out of the big one.

His big lumpy weird cock. Elvis fucks him with a fried Snickers bar like a dildo. Actually, I'm going to look up Elvis' penis because I don't know what it looks like. Are you allowed to look that up? You're allowed to look a lot of things up. Oh, okay. I mean like on the Patreon or on the YouTube.

Oh, god damn. There are pictures of his penis. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. I mean, like on the Patreon or on the YouTube. Oh, God damn. There are pictures of his penis. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. I got my weird shaped penis. I'm the Matt Rye for soul music, baby. Yeah, here's his cock here. So you can see Elvis's penis in these.

It's pretty good. Yeah. Oh, shit. Whoa. Sorry. These pics were taken by the Colonel. Probably. Right before he ate a sandwich Out of Elvis' asshole

Yeah, Private Presley Yeah, he looks good I wonder if there's any So he never took a photo of his penis Hey baby, I learned all my moves From King Bach, baby Hey baby, do it for the vine. Yep, that's his penis again.

That's him. It is weird that that guy got the most pussy out of any guy to ever live. Because it's not crazy, right? I mean, looking at him just like this. Women kind of like gay guys. Yeah. If you at i'm just like this women kind of like gay guys yeah if you're if you just aren't gay but you kind of act like look gay they love you everybody calls me a faggot on the internet and no women hit me up to for any propositional thing it's because you talk about like birds yeah i mean coming over here is a nightmare by the way i mean

it's unbelievable you come into like a dark room You're like sitting here like it's a fight club house next to a fucking just next to a pot being filled with water from the leak in the roof. I know I walked in the room. It was pitch dark. Ben had to unlock the door. I said hi. He didn't respond. He doesn't say anything. He walked into the living room and Tulsa King is just playing on the TV.

He goes, just playing Tulsa. I literally rang the doorbell three times and it said, we aren't home right now. Please leave a message. And I'm like, what? I text Ben. I go through the back door like Fargo, like I'm going to kill him.

So then I slide the door, but I just hear like, click, click, click. He just is scrolling Netflix like a sociopath. And then he goes, oh, death. Yeah, I'm in here. I'm putting on Toss-a-King. Well, usually if someone's at the door, the dogs go crazy. They weren't doing nothing. So you heard knocking and you're like, well, the dogs aren't barking, so I can't answer.

I didn't hear knocking. You put the dogs into a trance, too. You're like a weird, you're like a J.D. Salinger. You just sit here all day just writing something about a weird J.D. Salinger. You just sit here all day just writing something about a mass shooter. Yeah. You're like J.D. Salinger and the guy who killed John Lennon at the same time.

I'm trying to write the next great American novel and you guys don't support me at all. I'm not going to send you my first draft of it actually to get notes on it. I wouldn't be surprised if you showed, if I found your draft and it said all get notes on it. I wouldn't be surprised if you showed if I found your draft and it said all peep and no all pee and no poop makes Jack a dull boy and I'm flipping

through it going like oh no yeah and then suddenly you're behind me holding a fucking nine iron you know what did you think of my novel you are the type of guy that would let you practice your golf swing right before you bludgeon a man to death but you make him go through like two hours of watching you

yeah he would be the sociopath who's doing like a like a here's johnny type joke before he just bashes the guy's skull i could see myself in a different timeline doing the american psycho huey lewis and the news thing but instead of an axe, I have a seven iron. Yeah, and you're playing Lil B, the bass god. You're being like... I'm still dancing like this. Lil B's 85th album was actually one of his commercial bests, despite being a criticism of the rap industry.

But the whole time the guy you're going to kill is like, oh my god, this sucks! Fuck! Please kill me! Please! I can't take it yeah I'm that guy you guys I built a recirculating birdbath and the whole thing came

crashing down and none of you consoled me about it what does that mean a recirculating birdbath what yeah I don't know what it is you posted it on your stories like it was like your son dying and the godfather what is that you guys you're like I don't know what it is. You posted it on your stories like it was your son dying and the godfather. What is that?

You guys, you're like Philistines. It's amazing. It truly is incredible. I'm amazed I'm friends with either of you. Because we're not trying to molest birds. I had to explain to you guys what Faust was downstairs. I made a Flannery O'Connor reference at Friendsgiving and you guys all freaked out. It got all tense. You guys never know what I'm talking about. The only guy I respect is Faust G.

Who's Faust G? Faust G. He's the real deal with the devil. That's a real devil man. Talking about Mephistopheles over here. Talking about a guy doing the devil's bidding. I'm so sick of having to pretend

the Greek name you're saying to me. It was also funny because I remember Thanksgiving, we're all shoving mashed potatoes and roast beef on our plate, and you're in the other room, you're going, you know, Flannery O'Connor, the thing about her was her accent was kind of gay and retarded as shit. I turned it down, and I go, nobody's combined that before. No one's ever done that before.

Yeah. Yeah, Ben will go like, yeah, you fucking retarded fags. That's like the Dunning-Kruger effect. And you're like, what? I'm learning yet getting more stupid. You're going, you don't understand. Edgar Allan Poe was one of our first American writers who earned a living just from writing,

which actually made him very poor at the time. And that's why he was a retarded faggot. I'm thinking, I think I should open up a retard university where you go to my university to become incredibly intelligent at being retarded. You and Barry Weiss opening up retard you. Yeah, I open it up next to the comedy mothership. Yeah, if you're a door guy at the comedy mothership,

you automatically have a degree from retard you. Yeah, you're a professor. You're wearing one. Yeah, you're wearing one degree from retard you. You're a professor. You're wearing one of those big, like they're giving a speech at graduation, those big hats, but they're dressed like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Giving a speech. And she doesn't know what she's doing with you, and then after the show, she hangs herself with Chala.

Or Hala, whatever they call it. She's Jewish, I guess. Oh, she's very Jewish. Weiss, yeah. I'm sure they're using her as a wrecking ball in Palestine right now. Tying her to a fucking steel cable. Yeah, they're blasting Miley Cyrus

and throwing her into Gaza. I don't know if you guys saw, but Barry Weiss threw a big concert in Israel. Is this real? Yeah, this is real. Why are there no people there? It's just pictures. Oh, those are the dead people? Those are the hostages? It, this is real. Why are there no people there? It's just pictures. Oh, those are the dead people?

Those are the hostages? It's everyone who died. Are those the hostages or dead people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are they blasting EDM in front of pictures of dead people? In memoriam. Oh, these are the people who died at the EDM festival? Yeah, these are the people who died.

And they're blasting EDM to them? Oh, my God. Dude, how funny would it be if they played the the george floyd thing the george floyd edm song yeah shout out to his family are we sure these are this looks like the cast of workaholics yeah all these guys are on the blacklist i don't know are you serious ben is that is that like i mean, I could translate the Hebrew for you. It says the party square in Beree this morning, wherever the fuck that is. Berei?

By At Haim Goldberg, which seems like a CIA name. Are we sure those are the dead Israelis or just people that didn't want to pay for gas to come to this? Yeah. yes can you imagine the guy printing those posters at Kinko's just being like well what if we use two colors how much would it cost then dude Alan Dershowitz is there rolling on e

alan you can see alan derschwitz in the back wandering through the signs trying to find the youngest one yeah on molly rubbing his nipples through his insane button down shirt i love how every every day alan derschwitz like writes a new article that's like, why fucking kids is good for Israel? Why I should represent them. Yeah, why I should fuck kids for Israel. And then the image on the article that he tweets, it's always his lip and turkey neck just zoomed

into the article. He's a sick fuck. Didn't he go with Epstein and all that shit? Didn't he hang out with him? Oh yeah, like 200 times. All the time, right? Yeah. That was crazy, man.

That was really like... I think I'm going to do that, but with... I'm going to do it in my backyard with 3,000 pictures of George Floyd only. Or I'm doing weird Israeli idiot. And there's 3,000... It's the same picture of George Floyd.

The one against the brick wall. The exact same... The only picture of him that exists. Yeah. And one Steven Paddock sprinkled in. Because apparently all the other pictures of him, he's like holding a gun to a pregnant woman's belly. Yeah.

The other pictures of him, he's holding a gun to a pregnant woman's belly, or he's doing porn. Dude, that was my favorite thing a year into fucking COVID, was walking around being like, you know George Floyd's doing porn. Dude, that was my favorite thing a year into fucking COVID was walking around being like, you know George Floyd's in a porno. I watched him fuck a woman.

People were just, heads exploding. People didn't know he was in a porno? I thought he was like one of the main things. No, you gotta be kind of racist to know that. Yeah, I guess so. I could blur it if we want to watch it right now. No, we're okay. I don't need to see that.

I get it. We'll do it on the Patreon. I get it. I'm sure he's passing out the whole time. This is what Jace was talking about. He kneeled on the woman's pussy. What is David Guetta? Is he like Swedish?

He wrote like titanium or something. Where's he from? Like the Netherlands? I think so. I mean. In honor of George Floyd, that song. That was a, that can't be the real one, is it? That's not the real one, but it's not. No, he didn't play the hamster EDM song.

To be fair, people from Switzerland, they think black people invented coffee. They go, oh, we drink the Negro water. They go, and that's why we put the cream in to make it more satisfying to intake. Oh, I love that it's a hamster jam.

Special record. So this record is in honor of George Floyd. He's trying to remember his name. Yeah. He's trying to remember his name. He almost said, in honor of Derek Chauvin. Unity and more peace when already things are so difficult.

In honor of George Jefferson. He's moving on up to the east side. I have a dream. Is it an MLK speech? I think so. Yeah. So even though we face the difficulties

of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. No, this is Coach Carter. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream. No, this is Coach Carter. I gotta say, this song goes a little bit. That's pretty sick. Wow.

This will fix it. So this was during COVID? And you know that they started randomly throwing people on the live stream next to him you know those people were having panic attacks knowing they were next in line watching their phones be like oh fuck shit like what do we do he just bass dropped mlk dude that would be more respectful if you raped r Parks on TV. It would have more respect for the civil rights movement. So people are getting down to this? People are like, hell yeah. Ben, are you sure these are people that were captured or are dead?

Okay, okay. Is that 100%? I know a Jewish guy. I paid him to do this. You got me. I know a Jewish guy. I paid him to do this and post it. I just can't get over this.

I haven't seen this circulating online. That guy looks like Gordon Ramsay right there. Are these real people? By the way, how funny is it? The master's over here, a Jewish idiot. The most Jewish thing up here on the big screen, on the small screen, the most Christian wasp thing to ever exist.

You really have a black and white cookie of entertainment right now. It's Byron Nelson teeing off the 2001 Masters. I like to imagine Ben was at Gal Gadot's IDF screening laughing like fucking Cape Fear. It was a big cigar. Be like... I would say this. I would love to let Kyle Rittenhouse loose at this thing

with a paintball gun. And it's like the men in black training when he shoots the aliens where he's just going through. And like, like, cause Kyle's been trained by the government to kill pedophiles at this point. This does look like a shooting range. It kind of does. You want to like have an airsoft battle. Yeah.

Yeah. This looks like Chris Kyle is somewhere 300 yards deep. Yeah. And, and the odds are any one of these people, it's like a 90% chance they are a pedophile. They were Israelis.

Yeah, they've all seeked exile. I can't believe this. Why'd they do this? This is so insulting and strange. It seems like a normal way to grieve to me. Devin, did you hear the music? It's melancholic.

Is that Eric Griffin? These are fake. These are pictures of people that we know that are, they're shaven. I wish someone, I wish I was really good at like CGI stuff because I would Photoshop every picture. It's the entire cast of Family Guy. Like Joe in the wheelchair, Quagmire, every side character. Everyone except the actual Jewish guy

who runs the pharmacy. And Hamas is the chicken. Ben, very good. Very good, Ben. You should tweet the whole chicken fight from Family Guy, but with a Hamas symbol over the chicken

and an Israel symbol over beer. I'm not kidding. I want you to match. Well, that's the thing. Trump would be doing stuff like that if he was still president, which would kick ass. If he did that,

I would vote for him today, right now. Yeah, me too. And I'm not talking, like there's been four Family Guy chicken fights. You added them all together. Yeah. I'm not crazy. Trump tweeted a picture of a wrestler

with CNN over the wrestler and him getting body slammed by Trump. It said Trump on it. Because it was when Trump went to WWE for a good day. He's a great man. Yeah. Paying my respects. R.I.P.

I can't believe this is a real thing. Yeah. That's fucking insane. There's no black people, by the way. Well, one guy on the right looks like Sean King. Right there, right there in the middle. Yeah, he kind of looks like Sean King. Right.

Look at that. That kind of looks like Sean King. That guy, he was doing security at the event. That's Sean King David. Yeah, didn't also Israel killed all these people, too? There was just a helicopter firing into the crowd. King David. Yeah. Didn't also like Israel killed all these people too. Like there was just a helicopter firing into the crowd. A lot.

Apparently they, yeah, they, they had to admit that. Yeah. That that happened. this was posted by Heim and Goldberg. So yeah,

I don't think it's fake news. Literally. It's like the CIA was like, make the most racist Jewish name possible. It's a Heim Goldberg. It was posted by this guy. Heim Goldberg. Yeehaw of FUD. That's like if I asked.

I told the AI to be like, make an annoying guy. Yeah. And that guy came out. I mean, it's a real fucked up situation over there, Ben. You know? Did they get the bad guy? Did they get their Bin Laden? I think they got a few.

Nice. Very good. Then they drew upside down. They shot a baby and dropped it in the ocean. Nobody could understand if they got him or not because they drew upside down. Very, very good. Very good, folks.

Very good. Very good. Yeah, I didn't know that was real, but apparently it's a real fact. I can't believe that's real. I don't understand how that's not getting traction on Twitter. Yeah, I think because it makes people

very uncomfortable. No one knows how to feel about anything about this event, really. I think people are kind of staying out of it a little. I know how to feel about anything about this event really well i think people are like kind of staying out of it a little i know how to feel it's fine it's groovy i think it's out of sight i think it's out of sight adam it's out of sight baby it's shagadelic how many dead shagadelic baby Does genocide make you horny, baby? Ben, for a day, please tweet the Peter Griffin thing, and then does genocide make you horny?

Okay, I'll do that. Yeah, I'll do that. Austin Powers, it would be Goldberg member. Very good. Right? Austin Powers, Goldberg remember yeah yeah yeah

you know what I just found out the other day Jews aren't white people did you know this they're not white they love to pretend that when it's when it's

when it's meaningful hey take off the hat take off the hat retards you're a white guy what are we supposed to study your nose yeah take the fuck

out of here with that horse shit you're fucking white until we start getting really racist and measuring your nose. Okay, I'm sick of this shit. You're fucking white people. Same as Muslims, too. When they got upset,

when we were identifying them after 9-11, like, how dare you? Take off the towel. Okay, if 10 guys in Lakers jerseys attacked the world trade center i wouldn't wear my lakers jersey because i'd feel a little weird about that anyway and and and by the way i love the lakers i don't believe in ghosts no devon's right i'm am i wrong there no honestly what is this whole thing you have a good point i mean if you're identified by gear.

Yeah. If you take the hat off, you could be at an Auburn game. Yes. I wouldn't tell the difference. I wouldn't care. Yeah. It's not like I'm driving by like, you know, halal cars. Free Palestine rally?

Like, no. But if you have the stuff on, I'm going to assume you're the stuff. Devin's right. Sick of this shit. And once again, I'm going to assume you're the stuff. Devin's right. Sick of this shit. And once again, I am a sand person. Devin is Jewish and he's a Saudi. I'm both. He's a Jewish Saudi. But I'm not Jewish because they're racist

and they can't let me be Jewish. They won't let me. Because I didn't pop up. My mom's pussy wasn't Jewish. My dad's cock was. But that doesn't matter. They go, it's got to be the pussy. It's got to be the pussy. And it's got to be wet. I told you that I was picking up some delicious

tandoori chicken and butter chicken and chicken masala and garlic naan and veggie samosas. Because you've been watching the news. You got a little hungry. What are Indians in the news? You see Hamas and you're like, I could really go for some. You just assume they're Indians.

I could go for some tikka masala, baby. It's exotic enough to you. By the way, Indians, there could be 4,000 earthquakes over there. Half the country dies. They'll be trending on Twitter for maybe 10 minutes. Nobody gives a fuck about that. There's too many of them. They're either acting

or they're just waiting for a white woman to land and they all stand on the runway strip jacking off. And they go, you can see her hair from the window.

It's like dropping a chicken leg into a piranha. They just go, ah, ah, ah. You just pull up just a pussy on a hook back into the helicopter. Dude, the fucking landing strips in India have to be crazy.

The amount of cum. I'm picturing an Indian guy in the countryside somewhere, like some Indian shepherd. Yeah. Like a goat herder of some kind. He brings a guy a piece of a white woman's gold hair. It's one strand of hair. It's taped to a piece of paper, and he hands a guy a piece of a white woman's gold hair. It's one strand of hair it's taped to a piece of paper and he hands it to the guy and then the guy gives

him the farm. Like that's how they trade currency over there. Yeah. And he just starts trying to snake it down his penis and jack off. Like it's a roto-rooter? He's trying to do sounding with a white woman's golden hair. The most unrealistic part of Eat, Pray, Love

is that Julia Roberts was never raped. Yeah, eat, rape, love. Eat, rape, love. Oh, Miss Roberts, come into this dark alley, please. Oh, yes. No, come here. You will find yourself in this alley. You will finally understand the second part of your life.

A guy pouring a chloroform on a piece of naan and knocking her out. I love my Indian guys so much at this restaurant over here. They really hook me up. They give me free cake because Katie's pregnant. They always give me free stuff. Oh, those guys are great. Over there, I kind of want to shout them out, actually. They're lovely people. People start hanging out there. You'll shout them out

and then it'll be like, do the right thing. Like a big trash can goes right through their window. Can they throw a Simpsons donut through the window? What I love is also they love us and we go in there and we spout like the most racist, insane shit at our table.

And I really do think there's something about the first generation immigrants where they go, oh, you hate everyone but white people. That's rules. You're my favorite, number one. Yeah, they kick so much ass over there. He always gives me free Sprite.

Yeah. And he really, really um uh like he acts like a servant too yeah and can i be honest i kind of actually like it a little listen it's what it's in our blood we're supposed to like it anytime it does something anytime somebody starts snapping they're like yes sir i go well that's right thank you because i'm a guy where i'm like don't be my waiter be my friend and like bring stuff. But then when he starts doing the subservient, like, you can kill me if you want shit. I'm kind of like, I like that, actually. Yeah, I'm getting a little chubbed up right now.

No, it's a guilty pleasure. But we all love that. We love it. But anyway, I get my garlic naan and my tandoori chicken. Sure. And I walk out and there's a bunch of Hasidic Jews on the sidewalk and they're all gyrating. Like pigeons.

They're just packing at coins. Sorry. Sorry. I was going to say they kind of look like when Super Mario takes the mushroom and grows. Like they're all growing

and shrinking at the same time. Yeah. It's really weird and they're going and they're going... They're all reading from a book and rocking back and forth. They're on the spectrum. They have Asperger's.

They have a severe learning disability. And I have my garlic knot and I walk out and I hit beep beep on the car and I look over and they're all doing that, like 40 of them. I go, oh, Jesus Christ. My immediate reaction. I go, oh, Jesus Christ.

I go, these fucking retards. Yeah. I just like shoveled to my car with my Indian food. I'm like, fucking God. Fucking God. And then I backed up a hundred miles an hour. You're like, I could run them all over right now. Yeah.

Devin, they were doing, it's a ritual based on evicting an Indian restaurant. They go, you Jew, we're evicting a guy. Come on. I feel so conflicted about it because I love so many of my, I have two or three Jewish friends that I love. Oh, I love Jews. Half of my friends are Jewish. I hate

all of them. Turn my back on them immediately. I love Jews, but I'm grossed out by the ultimate Jews. Those ones with the hats? The grand wizards of Jews. The ones with the hats where it's like, what are you trying to get on a roller coaster? Are you trying to make the height? Or what are you, in the locks,

a big Latrell Sprewell fan? What is this? We all love the Knicks. Well, my thing, here's the thing, especially with living in LA, I have to pretend everywhere I go that it's totally cool and awesome to be Jewish and believe in a Jewish God and that

Christ is not the Messiah. What is a Jewish God? Well, he's a God that's basically the devil, if you interpret the Old Testament correctly. I don't know anything about that. Aren't they half in, half out? Aren't they like half religious, half like we don't care? What do you mean?

What do you mean by that? No, they do do the thing where they're like- They do this thing. They're like, God's commanded us to love him unconditionally. Of course, it could be completely fake, you know? Yeah, I thought- It's like, take a hard line because you are like shaving a girl's head. That's why they're considered the more realistic. They're kind of cooler than others.

Who's half in on anything in dresses like that, though? That's crazy. I think they just think it's sick. Oh, they think it's cool as shit? I think they just think it's cool. I think they're trying to get pussy, honestly. In their community, that's how you get pussy. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you might be right. They're like, listen, it's not real, but if I play my cards right, I could get a 12-year-old in a couple years. Yeah, they think they look like big shots. All they need is a cane to swing it as they walk into temple. Yeah, swinging that little rope on their belt, just being like, I'm going to get blown by a child later. Like, fuck all this gay Torah shit.

I'm here for the baby pussy. this gay Torah shit. I'm here for the baby pussy. I'm just, if you say you're Christian and people go, oh, you like believe in God? What are you like retarded?

And then if someone has the Star of David necklace on, you go, oh my God, that's so very cool. They go, I'm crying at how beautiful that is. It's beautiful.

Oh my God. It's not even more retarded than what I did. Yeah. It's definitely not even more retarded. No, I mean,'s definitely not even more retarded no I mean listen I don't mean to sound crazy but I said on hate watch Jews are the smartest retards oh wow yeah that is true because

your next option you go to like Hindus and there's like an eight fucking armed blue guy and you're like that's the most retarded yeah yeah yeah yeah is there a word for a guy that like thinks that shit is weird but like also has Jewish friends and loves Jewish culture and Jewish people? I love Larry David.

I love Mel Brooks. I love my Jewish friends. I love watching Knicks games with them. Yeah, I think it's called a normal man. Or, according to CNN, an anti-Semite. A vicious Nazi anti-semitic it's just like i'm fine with you if you want to waste your life and you know wear pimp coats and jump up and down and you know speak in tongues i don't give a shit if you want to buy super bowl

tickets for fucking church one time a year go for it yeah yeah you know because like i i love i mean come on let's be honest, Jews kick ass. Oh, Jews are great. They're amazing. Well, not Michael Rapaport, but yeah, Jews kick ass. There's always that moment when they start pretending like they actually believe in that shit. And you go, but you're like the smartest guy I know. It's kind of the antithesis of this own wacky thing that you believe in.

I got nothing. They turn into Cy Abelman. They'll just go, Devin, you've got to think about the tradition. Yeah. The tradition. It's like, well, our tradition was to beat the shit out of black people.

What is that? Right. It has no basis on the current day. Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah. They're an interesting, it's interesting. I only, in the last seven to ten years, even started realizing that a lot of my Jewish friends

actually had this whole other thing. Because they're so logical. They're so... Intelligent. They're intelligent and logical, and I always connected with them on that. And then, weirdly, out of nowhere, it's like a random Tuesday, and they're like, I got home for lakabagah. And then, weirdly, out of nowhere, it's like a random Tuesday

and they're like, I got to get home for La Cabra. And you're like, what? You believe in that shit? They're like, oh yeah, my family's doing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar today. Yeah, exactly. You're like, what? And you're like, what are you talking about?

Yeah, we just skateboarded and smoked weed. What are you talking about? You have like Sharif Abdur Rahim Day? What is this? What is this inside the NBA bullshit? I thought you were hanging. I thought you believed like there's probably nothing like me. I thought like we all kind of agreed that like we just kind of

wait this thing out and like make fun of how annoying everything is. And then out of nowhere they start, they fucking, they dip bread into wine and they, you know. Sucking off a little baby's dick. Whatever they do. But again, that's fine. Then just like leave the Christians alone. Everybody be fine with the Christians alone everybody be fine

with the Christians well you guys are annoying as shit no come on but you guys don't you guys but you guys put it on people no no no

Jews don't really like bring it out let there be the big three at least let there be the big three at least we are honest because your Jewish friends will be like

you know do the thing where they're like yeah I'm cool I smoke weed I drink whatever and then they're like yeah I'm going to Christian friends you meet them within three seconds they're like you're going to hell because you fucked a you know, do the thing where they're like, yeah, I'm cool. I smoke weed, I drink, whatever. And then they're like, yeah, I'm going to... Christian friends, you meet them within three seconds. They're like, you're going to hell

because you fucked a trans woman or whatever. It's very overt. See, I kind of like that. That's what I'm saying. Because it's very honest. You like the hardcore-ness of... Yeah, because I feel like when I'm around an Orthodox Jewish person, they look at me like I'm air.

I'm not fucking real. I don't have a soul. I'm not going any place they're going. They don't even consider you. Yeah. It feels like the most racist thing is possible, actually. Christians are curious about Jews. White, like Gentiles and shit.

Oh. We're all very like, what is that? Right. I was with a Jewish friend. I was walking around. He accused me of like staring at jewish people with binoculars like acidic guys yeah because they're that fascinating to the like you have box seats at madison square garden yeah like i'm wearing a

big pith helmet and i'm like writing down notes like you're trying to like see like julius randall make a layup from from big opera glasses yeah from the nosebleeds. Yeah, we look at Jewish people like we're in the nosebleeds. Yeah. But, yeah, they're just interesting, because they're so rational and intelligent, and then out of nowhere, you know, a couple of your Jewish friends will be like, no, I'm this and that.

And you're like, what the fuck? We were just talking shit about, like, everybody on Earth. And how all of a sudden, now you're, like, special? I know. What is going on here? I'm not special. You're not special. the fuck? We were just talking shit about everybody on Earth. Now you're special? I know. What is going on here? I'm not special. You're not special. Why are you special now?

I've also had Muslim friends. I have a very dear Muslim friend who's been talking to me about, he's like, yeah, so I just love eating ass. I love getting there and licking shit out of an asshole. And then literally I go, do you want to go get something to eat? And he goes, no, I can't Ramadan. Go from Larry Flint to like the Pope. Because isn't Chappelle like Muslim?

But yeah, he gets fucked up all the time. He probably does cocaine. Chappelle's the type of Muslim where you're doing like black guy, 40 chest of hating Jewish people and it being okay. I wouldn't be surprised if like Spike Lee was directing Chappelle's Muslim shit. Yeah. Chappelle gets out of mourning on a double dolly shot to his bathroom.

He stares in the mirror and then he tells himself an 18 minute story about Frederick Douglass. He goes, Frederick Douglass invented the toothbrush. And in Chappelle's bathroom he has a bunch of cholos and Dallas Cowboys gears. He goes, yeah, fuck Angela Coltrane,

dog. Fuck Dylan Mulvaney. Dude, fuck Dylan Mulvaney and shit. I love Chappelle. That is weird. Weren't the... I'm going to sound like an idiot. What? No, no, go on. It's just called limit party. Weren't black people like... Weren't the Moors...

Weren't black people like enslaved by Muslims way back in the day? God damn. Like way, way, way, way, way, way, way back in the day. They had some white shit. That's fucked up. I didn't know they did that. Yeah, I know. I mean, the Moors.

I've always been kind of confused by why black people in America are Muslim, because isn't that just another form of slavery in a weird way? You're kind of going with the initial enslaver. Anyway, listen. If Jace isn't smart enough to back me up here then I must be wrong Devin I'm running my gears here

but I prefer to have as little intel as possible about world events so I can make up my own things as I go all I know is

nothing is real all I know is this crazy thing we call life oh my god Benjamin Ben this crazy thing

we call life has gone on so long. It's just a never ending series of like well then they enslaved us and then we enslaved them and then enslaved and then enslaved and then enslaved and then So no one's technically right

like everyone's completely full of shit. So how about we all stop and get AMC A-list passes baby. Let's all go see the whale six times. Let's all go see Dream Scenario baby. So how about we all stop and get AMCA list passes, baby? Let's all go see the whale six times. Let's all go see Dream Scenario, baby. Nick Cage is killing it for about an hour, and the movie gets bad in the last half, but let's go. Dream Scenario, you go, I didn't have to pay for this,

and my life has no purpose, so who cares? I'm wasting these two hours, baby. Who gives a shit, baby? There's Dave and Buster, sweetheart. Dave and Buster. Dave Chappelle's pretending to be Muslim. Who cares? Dave Chappelle's Muslim and it's fake. Who cares, baby?

Let's go play Time Crisis 2. The gun cocks back. It's fucking fun. I walked out of the AMC in Dream Scenario. I walked out to take a piss because I had like 40, like 64 ounce Coke Zeros. You walk into a movie theater like you're a hummingbird.

ounce coke zeros you walk into a you walk into a movie theater like you're a hummingbird like like a hummingbird got like switch brains with you for a day and it's like taking it for a ride dude i walked outside and the amc it's it's the one where there's like mass shootings all the time yeah it's the one in ventura the one one with the big hole they just push dead bodies into. They have like a big pit in pendulum situation. There's a mural of multiple people that have been shot there. But it's not,

they didn't paint it, it was just blood hitting the... And it kind of made like, yeah, John Basquiat-like style images of them. Is this a Keith Haring painting or was a mass shooting occurring?

Is that an Edward Munch? It's a person dying, screaming. That was a baby who got raped with a gun. It's one of those malls there's guys in hard hats because for some reason there's bulldozers inside. It's so big. There's guys with hard hats

and no jobs inside the mall. Just walk around with clipboards. They're always remodeling shit. There's mud slides within the mall. People were being sucked like into a vortex of like mud and then a black yeah there's there's like a big maze with a minotaur in the middle of it you can accidentally get into there's the construction guys that if you ask them what they're doing they go uh so we're knocking down this lids and we're moving it three feet to the left we're building a whole new lids i was there and uh i walked out of the movie and there was like uh four stories below there was like loud fucking crazy pandemonium and i immediately was like how's their fucking

mass shooting like in my head yeah i'm so you were like jaded you're like dude literally and i i thought i thought i go if there is a mass shooting on the first floor. I'm like I'm in theaters. You were like so I guess this means no free refill. No. He's the best shooting and then goes back for one. I would have got a Coke another Coke zero because there are four stories below in an

open air mall thing. Sure. They're Palestinians living at the AMC. Yeah. Well they should be chained up in there like Palestinians everybody at the AMC. Yeah, well, they should be chained up in there like Palestinians. Everybody at the AMC in Van Nuys, everybody that's in the mall there, they're like the terminal. Yeah.

Tom Hanks character where they're not allowed to leave because of some weird law. If you convince me Van Nuys didn't actually exist on the same plane as us in reality. If Van Nuys just disappeared one day and you were stuck in it I believe you there's like there's Mexican cholos like just drinking

ketchup like little bit like fat baby cholos in a paper cup they brought from home like they were like baby Edward Junior get your fucking get your fucking Heinz cup yeah in a Shamu cup from SeaWorld they bought five years

ago yeah at the mall just being like shit this ketchup be hitting fuck you guys want to go see fucking dream scenario I'll tell you what my dream scenario is hanging out living with my tia sorry at this point I would go back if there

was a mass shooting I would just go I was like yeah I'll just go back in the theater and I won't tell go back. If there was a mass shooting, I would just go. I was like, yeah, I'll just go back in the theater, and I won't tell my pregnant wife that there's a mass shooting outside. Because I'm like, I didn't want to worry you. If there was a mass shooting, you would forget to tell your pregnant wife. Oh, no, no. It'd be like a week later, you'd be like, oh, I forgot to tell you. I saw a guy shoot at eight people and then blow his brains out.

She's like, again? I'm like, I know. That mall's crazy. That's America, sweetheart. i do love that amc though i have a good old time there great amc you go in there and she's great you angle the cup so it just gets the syrup and not the soda water oh yeah because i can see the stuff that's the water yeah and i'm like fuck that shit i'm gonna fuck that fuck that i flap my wings a thousand times a minute flying in here we should we should invent a little pat. Fuck that. I flap my wings a thousand times a minute flying in here.

We should we should invent a little patented device that you can screw on to soda fountains where it filters out the water. And I've got a great news for you. I've got great news for you. It's a magnet magnetized thing you put on. This is like our oceans. Eleven. Like we hire like a black guy.

We are like Bernie Mac. It's like fucking Don Cheadle. Yeah, it's like a little less conversation, a little more action, please. A little Chinese guy doing backflips over laser security lights. Into the soda machine. We go like, okay, Chan is in.

A little less conversation, a little more action, please. Matt Damon's there. No, there's an actual device that you can buy on Amazon for that because people test the sodas. What do you mean they test the sodas? They test the soda machines. They go up and they put it on and they test it out on either side

and they go, okay, it's making a little too much syrup or it's making a little too much soda water. You got to adjust the levels. God, I would love to be that guy. guy yeah you can very easily be that guy i i think i might quit this podcast and become that guy yeah i think just literally like show up at frito-lay corporation and be like hey can i be retarded for a living yeah because i'm like you know how like there's the water boy i want to be the soda boy and i want to walk in and i walk in and I want to have a big Bowie knife. And I cut open the big bags of soda

they have underneath the thing. And I put it in the little... You test it like it's cocaine on the knife. Yeah, and I taste it. Put it in your gums. That's high C, alright. That's good shit. That's fucking

rockstar shit, man man slapping the big bags of soda cutting a big a hole in your leg so the fucking blood sugar can disperse because your leg swells up with edema yeah i have goiters on my knees yeah you're you have to go hey excuse me real quick i have to and then you turn a garden hose valve in your calf that shoots blood sugar your knees look like the colonel. I have a lot of favorite things about great big fat people. Sure. My favorite thing is they start,

uh, they have biomes on their legs. Like they have science fair projects on their knees and their legs where like they could be cooking and then reach down and break off like a mushroom and then like throw it in the pan and just keep going. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. They could have a greater on their, on their, cooking and then reach down and break off a mushroom and then throw it in the pan and just keep going. They could have a grater on their demon to skin flakes on their leg and just put it over their Caesar salad. It is great when they have the blue

veins showing through. Yeah, because they haven't stood up in two weeks. It looks like a map of Palestine in 1946. They could be in the shower scrubbing their legs and they find a tile from ancient Greece that they have to call somebody somebody for huge shout out to guys who are crazy fat like that. And then just wear gym shorts to shout out.

They won't even wear jeans like John Fetterman. Yeah. Does he have that shit? Fucking retard. Yeah. That senator that looks like he's it's like Frankenstein on his way to a rubbing tug every day. That fucking shit guys who you can tell there's

a there's a calm reek around them yeah multiple cum stains all over his like and one gym shorts he shakes your hand and you don't even get calm on it you get dry calm on your yeah because he's covered in the and it shocks you like a clown thing like where it's shot you know the buzzer the buzzer yeah guys who they goon and they really punish their dick too. They really go at it. Yeah. Really gripping it. He does look like the guy who just,

he always has the ring in his toilet. The really gross. Dude, he looks like he fucks a woman then eats her after. He really does. Like fucking Saturn devouring his son. He looks like a cannibal from the road. I think a kick-ass thing about him, though,

is I saw a picture of him on Twitter, and he has a suit with no sleeves. It's a short-sleeved suit. It's not a Larry the Cable Guy-like suit, like Larry the Cable Guy would wear to the Oscars. Sure. It's literally a suit where the sleeves stop at would wear it to the Oscars. It's literally a suit where the sleeves stop at the

elbows. Yeah, he sucks. He sucks ass. It sucks my ass. What is everybody's problem with him, though? Why can't everybody just let everybody leave everyone alone? Because we were trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We were like, you're retarded. You don't deserve this. But we think you might be for the

right things. And then he was just like super pro-israel and me well he also got elected yeah he ran as like this like leftist like extreme like destroy big business you know like down with all this shit and then he got elected and he was like hey i want to kill myself because i'm john fetterman and that

didn't work for four months he's like setting up like fight clubs like steel you know steel mills and shit yeah he's everything he's tying in is he's tying setting up like fight clubs that like steal, you know, steel mills and shit. He's everything. He's tying an Israel flag around him like he's a superhero. He's trying to promote like Russian roulette throughout like Western Pennsylvania. He's like, you guys don't need

to go to Vietnam anymore. We'll just do it here. Yeah, he's like promoting like a free needle exchange that has cyanide in it. Yeah. So he's only popular because he's like seven feet tall. Because we felt bad for him because he's a fucking stroke victim shithead. Yeah. He had a stroke? Yeah, he had a stroke.

So it took him a while to get his speech back and whatever. And we were like, all right, we're going to work with you, though, because we think you are OK. Here's a new rule. You can't run for office if you have a medical condition. Yeah, how about- A stroke is basically now you have a new rule. You can't run for office if you have a medical condition. I'm sorry. A stroke is basically now you have a learning disability. I'm sorry that's very unfortunate, but you had a stroke. Let's be honest.

Let's be honest. All these people should be completely slaughtered in the street. On national television. On national TV. That's why January 6th was once again, I'll say it again. Hey, year round, I'm going to say it again. Best day in American history. Greatest day ever. Greatest day ever. And hopefully one day that

there's another rally like January 6th and it's full of people that mean business. It's not full of people that are trying to get a picture taken. Yeah. That really knows some access cards. Hopefully one day it's not a bunch of people that thought they were at a California adventure. Hopefully one day it's not it's not a bunch of people that like they thought they were at like a california adventure hopefully one day it's people that like they're there to do work hey guys this week we have a displayed as a sponsor on the podcast devin's holding the south

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Thank you, Blue Chew. Thank you. That's why I don't think the January 6th thing was real because rednecks actually know, quote unquote, like people in the South, they understand like what thermite is or a tannerite is like black gunpowder. They know how to make things that is a federal offense that could bring down a building.

That's the thing about leftist people is you are happy they don't know how to make bombs that can bring down the Twin Towers. Right. There's rednecks all the time that they go to the gun store, they buy Tannerite, they put like eight pounds of it in a lawnmower and then shoot it and they blow their legs off. And they're 200 yards away. Have you seen videos of people blowing up Tannerite?

All the time. No, no. All the time. Oh, these videos time oh these videos it's great it's great stuff that's why i'm like no they could have blown up the white house yeah and like leftists are so retarded all they can do is get themselves shot by old guys in protest of like oil yeah that's all they can do yeah yeah here i'll show you the uh i don't know your r word sign fell down Tanner I had a lawn mower This is a good one Yeah here we go So this guy lost his legs

These are just like On his property He's missing quite a lot What is he shooting Is he missing These are just like on his property. He's missing quite a lot. What is he shooting? Is he missing? So he put a bunch of tannerite in this old lawnmower. Why?

Why is he doing this? Okay, so I'll explain real quick. So tannerite is the stuff that you get that's a target explosive device. So you put a little bit of it in a thing, you shoot it, and you immediately know you hit your target because it explodes. Oh, you have to shoot at it to get it to go? Yeah, it can only, that's how it blows up. So like a Timothy McVeigh didn't use Tannerite?

He used, I think, gunpowder and fertilizer. I think it was fertilizer. Fertilizer, right. Okay. Fertilizer can blow up. There was a schoolhouse in Kansas in like 1907 that it was, it was a three-story schoolhouse, blew up, killed like 500 children because they kept fertilizer in the basement for like the farms around the town. Jesus Christ. Anyway.

Back to this guy blowing his legs off. Anyway, moving on. He's wearing a tailor-made ball pad. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It doesn't show his legs, does it? jesus christ oh shit it doesn't show us legs no no no you gotta hear dude this is the best when he says it he says it out loud what happened blew my leg off

i love that they sound like john c reilly god damn it dude they sound like John C. Riley. God damn it. Dude, they sound like Talladega Nights. That sounded like an intro to Old Town Road, honestly. Guys like, oh shit, I swore my spit cut. Jesus Christ. It's a video of a guy losing his legs. Yeah.

Because he was shooting at Tannerite in his, what was it? In a lawnmower. Lawn his legs. Yeah. Because he was shooting at Tannerite in his... What was it? In a lawnmower. Lawnmower. Yeah. But you can just buy... You can go to like Walmart or like Academy Sports and Outdoors

or Big Five and be like, hello, I would like 1,000 pounds of Tannerite, please. Right. They go, we take Amex, by the way. They go, now don't you go killing any senators. I'm too retarded to try.

They go that's great. But like it's a federal offense if you combine that with which is like a hundred times more powerful. I think this is technically illegal now. Don't keep explaining. What we've just filmed is it will be shut down by the

NSA. No it's fine. We talked what we've just filmed is it will be shut down by the NSA. No, it's fine. We talked about Jewish people for 30 minutes before this. Oh, yeah. You notoriously don't get punished for that at all. What is this podcast going to turn into in five years? The podcast is going to turn into me dressed like Adolf Hitler, screaming about Israel because I've lost my mind on Walt Buterin, and I've gone insane.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you just insane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you just become a huge cuck. It's funny that you can... You're dressed like Hitler, but you're the biggest cuck of all time.

I become such a leftist, cringe, fag cuck that you guys have to kill me like Lenny from Mice and Men. You have to take me to the edge of a pride parade and I go, it's good.

I like it And you're just like in this house Black lives matter Science is real And you go that's right Jace tell me about the vaccines And I go there's gonna be a vaccine For not being gay And they go that's right keep going

There's gonna be a vaccine For being white I'm like great Just raising the gun to the back of my head i'm like do do hot chicks like me now do chicks that's right do chicks who dress like they smell like shit want to fuck me now they go no okay do women with shit stains in their panties, it might affect me? Yeah, do women whose vaginas have like steel traps

in them would affect me? Can I get me too'd by a woman who sucks? No. Okay. It's funny, you could buy Tannerite, but you can't buy like Sudafed, like CVS, because you'll make meth with it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't understand. You can buy stuff that can buy Tannerite, but you can't buy Sudafed, like CVS, because you'll make meth with it.

Yeah, I don't understand. You can buy stuff that can blow people up, but you can't buy stuff that just gets people high and crazy. Yeah. Well, that's just because black people don't buy Tannerite. Yeah. Yeah. What if you had four guys who looked like fucking... That is true.

Black people don't do bombs. No. Yeah. They don't do bombs. Lessest don't really do shit like that. That's why I'm... Because they grew up in the city and stuff. It's never some good old boy from Alabama who's like, I fucking hate this country.

Yeah. Thank God they love America. Also, black people don't do mass crime. They do. Whoa. They do it within their community. Yeah. They do drive-bys.

They'll do mass crime. They're masses who do crime. But they think they're hitting the spot. Yeah. They think. They might kill a few babies or crime. But they think they're hitting the spot. Yeah. They think, you know, they might kill a few babies or whatever, but they think they're getting the guy.

This is the problem is they can't dream big like a white man can. But they don't, yeah, yeah. When it comes to a shooting. They don't go into it with that white nihilism where they're just like, I'm going to blow up the library. Yeah. And I mean, this is how you know our culture is racist,

that a black guy's like, what if I kill one other black guy? And a white guy is like, what if I kill one other black guy? And a white guy is like, what if I kill 95 Chinese people? And that's that's because of racism. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw Gavin McGinnis talk about this recently. Sure. People always say, oh, mass shooters are always white.

And he goes, oh, what about like drive by shootings? He goes, oh, like people go, oh, but raping in a car don't count to do it. Okay. Jesus Christ. Another great Gavin McGinnis bit. Another great bit

from the racist magician Gavin McGinnis. I don't even understand that. Dressing like he's about to deal you a card that has the N-word written on it. every time he brings up to people,

he goes, oh, what about drive-bys? They go, they go, ah, but it's different. And he goes, why? Because-bys they go they go ah but it's in it's a it's different and he goes why because they're in a car what's the what's the difference but it's like clearly

it's clearly a different thing one is gang activity the other is like a crazy guy is killing people that you you don't even think they have anything to do with it and by the way here's what it always is it's always and i spoke to my buddy Aaron about this, who's a really... He's really, really smart about guns. No, but here's the thing about this. Almost all mass shootings, it's always a guy who just bought

a gun, like an AR-15 of some kind, within 72 hours. And he's a pro-gun guy, but he told me if there was a longer gestation period for people to get assault weapons or an AR-15 or whatever the

fuck, and stop calling me a faggot for not knowing enough, because you know how to take apart a gun and put it back together, and you know the exact ammo. No one cares. Kill yourself. The camera's not saying anything to you, Ben. Our dad isn't in the camera. It's okay. It's not judging you. Someone's calling me a's okay. Yeah, Ben, our dad isn't in the camera. Guys, it's okay. It's not judging you.

Well, someone's calling me a fag right now, and I have to attack them. They have every day since you were born. He's typing into a keyboard that's not connected all the way. No, there's a Reddit thread right now where the comments are getting posted so fast, the monitor is catching fire as you speak. And they'll also all be dead in a week.

Yeah. Exactly. Who cares? It doesn't matter. They're about to die in a mine shaft. They just procreate. My buddy who has

he has hundreds of thousands of guns or whatever he has hundreds of guns and he's very smart about guns he said it should take like a year to get it like this.

What if we find out your friend your friend Aaron Gwinn is selling guns to the hood? Yeah. He's like the Lord of War of Chicago. But specifically really black people.

And he just keeps telling you these things, and you're like, oh, yeah, that's crazy. And while he's texting you that, he's literally selling guns to Chief Keef's gang. I do wonder if I have a handler sometimes. I think you do. I have a couple people that I talk to a lot that are buddy-buddy.

I love you, Ben. You're very gullible. No, dude, I'm so gullible. You're the most gullible guy I've ever met in my life. This is what I was saying to Aaron. This is why I don't actually watch the news or learn about what's going on or watch documentaries because whatever documentary I watch,

I go, oh, that's what happened right like because he apparently i watched that mike brown one from like five years ago and i'm like dude i'm like mike brown he shot himself i'm like the documentary said so yeah michael michael brown the kid that stole or there's like a zimmerman documentary i watched it and i was like yeah the whole thing's bullshit mike brown he should be killed yeah and like if because if i watch and if i sit down and watch an hour and a half thing and it has any right i believe anything that you tell me so i don't read the news anymore i just make up what i think happened and i go about my day right yeah fantasy is more important to me than fact you told me um one time what's what's the the one where all the kids got shot up at the school

sandy hook see that's the thing i watched the kids got shot up at the school? Sandy Hook. See, that's the thing. I watched a Sandy Hook documentary when Sandy Hook happened on YouTube. I thought it was fake. That was fake. See, but Devin's about to convince me now and I'm about to be a Sandy Hook guy. With the actors and everything? Listen. Okay. Devin's stomach gurgled.

Did you hear that? Devin has indigestion thinking about the crisis. It makes me feel bad. Because it's sick what happened there. By the way, there's a guy at the NSA pissed off at how much paperwork he has to do. He's at a minute 58. He's like, I'm fucking Sandy Hook now? And he's pulling out another T5 form and writing it in.

Sometimes when we're recording, I'm like, oh, this should maybe be a Patreon. And I'm like, what? Is there something we have that's past the Patreon? Here's the thing. Can we put this on a Google Drive link and have people vend the money? Here's the thing. We've never done anything less crazy than the last. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like this whole thing where we like go into every, we're like, I don't, we've done a million things. Like, you know, we got to just do it, do it or don't. Do it or don't. Yeah. Take a shit or get off the pot and eat the shit out of the toilet. Do it or don't do it or don't yeah take a shit or get off the pot and eat the shit out of the toilet do it and drink the pee then listen if there's

one thing in comedy you can't be worried about uh offending people but i gotta say those matt rife told me that matt rife told me that rife told me that before his jaw fell off him like beetle juice i guess the sandy hook stuff is bad and that's what got a lot of people banned so i won't i won't get into it we can can do it on the Patriot. We'll say that for the Patriot. A little juice for the Patriot. They don't actually care about Sandy Hook. What they care about was making a point with the midterms

with Al Jones and setting an example for people. I'll say this. There were a lot of videos right after that. There were a lot of videos on CNN, MSNBC, all these videos of the families speaking, and they're walking out to mourn their children, and they're laughing and joking, and then they walk out and they look weird,

and they're actors. And then people looked into them, and they were actors on IMDb. So I don't know. I don't know what that was. All I know is that right after it happened, I watched those videos, and I don't believe that. I'm just saying what I saw.

I saw some stuff. And that was odd to me it was crazy and i was a little confused by people whose kids just died were cackling on the way to the mic that was a little odd to me and that's all that's all i'll say i don't fucking know i'm not saying it didn't happen i'm just saying maybe the people we maybe the people we you know paraded out there had nothing to do with it and weren't even the parents why did they why did they demolish sandy hook instead of turning it into a nice dave and busters that is a good point ben yeah because how about that because will and don would have gone there the opening day you know like ah don this is where they don't that kid's head in yeah sandy hook would have made for a great kookaroo chicken

yeah i mean if I was a billionaire, I would buy... Like, if I had Trey Parker or Matt Stone money, I would buy Sandy Hook Elementary School and turn it into a Casa Bonita. You'd be the first billionaire the government would take all your money away. Somehow.

That's a new... Yeah, like you were in Tammany Hall in 1915. But regardless, the bigger point here is my friend told me that there's like a George Floyd documentary. And I'm like, I can't even go there. I can't even go there. What is it, eight minutes and 40 for a second's long? Okay, so what they're saying about George Floyd is apparently there's other footage of him actually smoking fentanyl before it or something along those lines. Well, okay.

I mean, listen. Did we not see the video? He still was stout. I don't know. I haven't seen the documentary yet, so I'm keeping an open mind. Most people can get choked for nine minutes as long as they don't smoke fentanyl one time. It is one of those things where everyone's kind of like that doesn't believe that he died because of the

Chauvin, which I don't even know. It looked like murder to me. But they are saying like he's got a big black neck. He's a strong big black guy. Come on. You kidding me? He's like an ox. Yeah. Mostly people being like, I could take

that for nine minutes. Yeah, I could take that for nine minutes. Yeah, I could take that. That's because I technically have Down syndrome and I don't know it. I have big, thick Down syndrome neck. People apparently are looking at the George Floyd tape thinking it's like a Draymond Green highlight tape. That's what they're watching,

like half man, half amazing highlights. And they're like, I don't get this. Nothing happened to this guy. They're like, what the hell's the problem? So you're telling me George Floyd was Rudy Gobert? So he's doing a bunch of alley-oops. That's how he died? I don't get this. Nothing happened to this guy. Like, what the hell's the problem? So you're telling me George Floyd was Rudy Gobert? So he's doing a bunch of alley-oops. That's how he died? I don't get this.

You're telling me the professor killed this guy. Look, I'm not the guy who plays devil's advocate and stuff, but apparently there's a George Floyd documentary out there, and I know that I'm the type of guy, if I watch it, I'm going to be a guy who's at parties, and I'm like, you know, Derek Chauvin, he has back problems. He can't even kneel.

He has to make his deputy tie his shoes for him. He had a Home Depot back brace on. You're talking to a guy, a guy that tried cowboy, and he goes, I like the gut of your steak, buster. No, I did that with israel i literally never learned anything about israel on purpose because i did i do people would ask me like a part like what do you think about israel i'd be like i don't you know the jewish people and other people i don't know oh so you when you were spouting all those facts about israel on all those episodes i made

it all up no no no i believed it no i literally like the first day like the stuff the first day the stuff happened i was like oh you know there's two sides every coin i believed it no i literally like the first day like the stuff the first day the stuff happened i was like oh you know there's two sides to every coin i'm like maybe i should research a little bit they're like 30 minutes later i'm like you know i'm like no we should burn the land to the ground i remember when because i didn't know anything about israel and palestine and then in 2015 i was like okay it's high time i finally learned where the fuck that is. And I Googled Israel-Palestine. Yeah, you shut the bunch of Coors cans off of your laptop. And I was literally going into it knowing nothing.

I just went to Google and started learning the history real quick and what's going on over there. And within five minutes, I go, oh, so Palestine is like an internment camp. I was like, okay. And then I shut my laptop and i never thought about it and you go okay you gotta push that out because i'm trying to do open mic comedy but it took me like literally three minutes to put enough pieces together to figure out what was going on if you if you stumble on a video that's like pro israel by accident like to learn about it it'll be like it be like, so these poor children threw the rock at the tank.

You're like, well, that doesn't seem crazy. They're like, don't worry. We blew them to smithereens. Anyway, I just want to say I'm not going to watch the George Floyd documentary. Oh yeah, Jason's going to apologize. Sorry for shitting on Israel and being woke by shitting

on Jewish people. Well, Jason's actually a cuck because he loves terrorists. I sympathize with Hamas. You are a Hamas sympathizer. I'm a big Hamas guy. I'm so sick of that shit. You are a fucking cocksucker. He loves Hezbollah, too.

I'm wearing the kefife or whatever they call it. Yeah, they call it. Yeah. I'm walking into chicken places wearing the kefife And I go hey give me some of the yogurt shit Yeah you and your beach towels I stand with Israel just because of Abby Shapiro's tits I think She's big yum yums

That's the best argument I've heard I mean at this point everything is a popularity contest I'm like okay Palestine and Israel let's settle this right now Ten of your hottest women both sides go And I'll decide who I want to fuck And then I'll condemn a certain Palestine and Israel, let's tell this right now. Ten of your hottest women, both sides go. And I'll decide who I want to fuck, and then I'll condemn a certain question. Well, Israel would win. Yeah, no.

Israel's like, we've been designing these tits in a lab under Langley. Israel has these women that look like they're Hitler's perfect wife. Which is bizarre. There's literally, under FBI headquarters, you say that, and then there's two big metal doors that separate. Yeah. And a woman who is 60% tit weight walks out. Do we know those women aren't white?

Like, do we know that that's not Israeli propaganda and that's actually Anglo-Saxon women that dye their hair black? I did some measurements. They're Jews. Because that's got to be propaganda, right? Because I see that. Oh, I mean, it is propaganda. Yeah. Yeah, they want everybody to know.

Like, are there, this is what I'm saying. Are there eight hot women in Israel, and they just post different pictures of them from different angles to a point where us Americans take in that propaganda, and we all think that Israel has the hottest women ever, but in reality, there's six women who are nines. That might be what's going on over there.

And they're just rubbing their pussies in IDF uniforms all the time? Yeah, maybe all the IDF soldiers who are, like, maybe most of them are, like, they got small asses and, like, eight cuffs. Israel has really hot women

because here's the thing. They get the, they have the playing field. We keep saying, like, they're Israeli women. They get, like, all ofraeli women they they're they get like all of like that's true like all of europe they're like they're like one of those schools in like chino hills where kids like coming in from palm you don't even know what's going on yeah exactly it's just they're all mixed and they got that's why they have they're not they're not supposed to have blue eyes they be they they're not hit

they're like they're not supposed to be Hitler's kryptonite. They're like going in Beirut. They find a Jewish woman with perfect makeup. If Hitler saw Gal Gadot, he'd be like, what? What was I doing? There's so many pictures of these hot Israeli women with holding rifles and they're blue-eyed, blonde. They're literally Hitler's

dream. It's bizarre. So they, they like, I don't know. They evolved. Yeah. I don't get it. We're not talking about like Manhattan.

Yeah. We're not talking about like somebody who looks like Diane Keaton. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I guess you're right. So, you know,

anywhere. How about edging for good though? How about a play called Edging for Godot? That's very good, man. That's very good. God, I love you. Very good. God, you're a fucking beast.

And it's written by Samuel Gaiman. Okay, that's good. Instead of Samuel Beckett, that's very good. Yeah, Samuel Gay Guy. Samuel Gay Guy. It's Edging for Godot. It's about edging for Godot. And it's Hitler's waiting underground until Gal Gadot's finally born so he can jack off.

Oh, this is actually brilliant. I didn't connect the pieces. It's a woke thing. And Joaquin Phoenix on Broadway would play Hitler as an old man with a cleft lip. Right, as the Joker. Because that's all he does in roles now, apparently. Is he a Joker guy? i've seen the napoleon trailer he's like dancing in a bathroom dressed as napoleon yeah yeah by the way if anybody i

don't know if anybody gives a shit probably wait to see napoleon on apple tv because ridley scott's putting out a four-hour version which means apparently the version of theater sucks which means the version in theaters is bad which means it was a mess of a of a production yeah obviously if they put out a four-hour studio. If they put out a four-hour... Yeah, if they put out a four-hour version of anything, it means like, oh, so he like, you know, it's just a mess. Apparently Napoleon's like talking to a woman

the whole time, but... He's having weird like alt-comedy sex with women and shit. Yeah, that's what I heard. I just want to see horses get blown up with cannons and like a weird small dick. I want to see him jack off his weird small dick, and then just want to see horses get blown up with cannons and a weird small dick. Yeah. I want to see him jack off his weird small dick,

and then I want to see a horse's head get blown off. I want to see it. I'm going to go see it in the next couple days. You got that AMC pass. You got that AMC. I'm a Stubbs-less member, so I'm like you guys. Yeah, you walk in through the back like fucking good fellas. People think I'm cool.

Yeah, exactly. You get any discounts on Haribo in there? What is Haribo? You know, if I go enough, if I go enough, they will add up points for me at the concession stand. Is it a decent point system? Or is it like a flat?

It's one of the best. Very good. I gotta get it they have a tremendous reward system I've heard great things I'm gonna sign up for AMC Stubs and they'll go how did you hear about us and I'll click heard it from a friend heard it from a friend

how did you hear about us social media and then I get points heard it from a friend they go let us know who the friend is and then I get points it's. Heard it from a friend. They go, let us know who the friend is. And then I get points. It's beautiful. I'm going to put George Floyd. His favorite, you know his favorite movie? Eight and a Half.

Folks, it's been a great audience tonight. You've been great tonight folks. This was a fucking, this was a good one. Yeah folks this was a fucking this was a good one yeah this was a good one if we didn't talk about this all I accidentally relapsed on weed

so I've been high this entire episode oh yeah Jace is high on weed I'm high on weed by accident we'll probably talk about it on the Patreon but you know just enjoy that unless this is the Patreon I don't really know

but if not patreon.com slash lemon party we're really gonna talk about Jews on the Patreon so yeah this was good. Wrap it up. Wrap it up, Ben. Emma's asleep on her Marie Antoinette pillow. This is one for the record.

Enough of her. Enough of these dogs. I'm sick of them. We're like, this is our greatest episode as I upload it to YouTube. As I upload it, I drag it over to start uploading to YouTube. I get blue screen. I get blue screen. Yeah. I get blue screen.

People bust into the door. This laptop is now property of the FBI. I get fucking blue screen and then people drop through my... Amy Schumer's in a SWAT outfit drops through my ceiling. Which would do nothing but wonders for the show. Amy Schumer kills me? Yeah.

If she falls through the roof and lands on me? No, it'd be like a flesh wound. Yeah. She wouldn't kill you. She'd have a huge gash in my leg. She wouldn't kill you. I'd have a huge gash in my leg. She wouldn't kill you. Yeah, she'd just chew on you a bit. Yeah. Man. Anyway,

Patreon and then Lemon Party and the YouTube Clips channel is where we go live and every 4 p.m. Wednesday Pacific Standard Time or maybe we'll stop doing them at some point. I don't know. We could take time off here and there. Here and there, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. Unless you guys appreciate us a little bit. Yeah. If you catch my drift. I don't know. I feel like people hate them sometimes when we're doing them. I'm like, well, you guys control the show. You're just being a psycho.

Yeah, also, you know. There's so many people that live for them. Yeah. Yeah, they're being crazy. All right. Well, let us know in the comments if you think I should kill myself. Oh, they will. Yeah. Let us know. All right. Well, let us know in the comments if you think I should kill myself. Oh, they will.

Yeah. Let us know. I will. Let us know if the thing you actively tune into you've hated for 800 weeks in a row. I have multiple accounts on the Reddit

and I'm trying to get you to fucking take yourself out. So does my wife. Yeah. My wife is in many Reddits, my friend. Your wife is a manipulate manscape,

whatever, that guy. Yeah. Manipulate manscape. Yeah. Yeah. My wife is Manipulate Manscape whatever. Manipulate Manscape. My wife is DMing Ian Finance to kill himself. My wife is getting in fights with all comics who haven't been relevant.

My wife is DMing Kath Barbadaro. A name out of the ether. That's crazy, dude. I can't believe you just pulled that out of nowhere. I heard that name and I legitimately got lightheaded. Oh my God. I forgot about her. My wife's listening to old Greg Poop's records.

My wife is like, San Francisco in 2005. That was the hype. Yeah. Katie's dragging Jay Oakerson off stage at a leash in a skank show. Oh, fuck. Oh, you think I'm not bringing my baby to skank fest

next year once the baby's born? Oh, it'll be like we know you want it to die. Yeah, it'll be like that scene from mother when the crowd gets the baby sense. What are you talking about? Of course you want to bring your baby to Skankfest. You want to see what its neck looks like with teeth marks. I'm sure there'll be a show at Skankfest next year. It's called Live Birth, and women come up on stage and they deliver a baby.

While the crowd's cheering and throwing beer at her pussy as it's crowning. Of course. Of course you want to see that happen. And then Arshafir's going to fuck the woman as the baby's going to donate your baby to kill Tony. You want to see. Yeah. I see Brian Redband shit in its face.

I think he calls it shower ducky. He does it to his shower ducky where he farts into his hand while he's taking a shower with his wife. Oh, every... And then he holds up the fart to her nose and she starts throwing up down the drain. Yeah, he's a real... He's Ralph Cifaretto of comedy. Which that should be rape, right? If you hold someone up.

Hey, don't... Stop with that. Enough. Enough of you. Enough of you, Ben. Yeah. But yeah, he's... They should call CPS for being retarded.

Oh, the other thing is, let us know in the comments, and this is real, let us know if you live in El Paso, Austin, Houston, or San Antonio. Sound off so we can get an idea, because we're thinking of doing shows in early to mid-February in those four cities in Texas, or maybe two of them or three of them. I don't really know. Probably Austin for sure.

We already got our tickets, so we'll be flying down there and doing stuff. Probably see some fellas down there. Yeah. Couple of the boys. And if, yeah. We'll hang out with some old pals and do some stuff and have a good time and do the Texas thing. We want to see

Big Ben National Park. That's really the main point of the trip, but then we might have some shows. I wanted to see Big J National Park. Where all the cactuses have fingerless gloves on them. Did I leave anything out? No, I think we did it.

I think we've more than done it Bye! Bye! Bye, you! What the fuck is this piece of shit? Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina, music would play and Folita would whirl Blacker than night were the eyes of Folita

Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican maid I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a wild young cowboy came in