lemonparty - 060: jigrat

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

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Chicken Wings Fucking hell. Are we recording, Ben? Devin just told me maybe the most tragic news I've heard all year about somebody I've talked to semi-regularly, and then we hit record. I know. I'm so sorry. It's just. No, this is him right here on the screen this is him being repaired it's like prometheus then what you're

showing like horse lobotomies on the tv oh let me see what this is what are you doing uh this is watch a live surgery of a cerebral arterial aneurysm. Yeah, I don't know. Come on. What is wrong with you? Jesus Christ. You want to see a brain tumor? No, I don't want to even know those are a thing ever. But we're already. Holy shit.

This is a guy's leg. You got it by a shark. Why is that allowed on YouTube? And we get banned. Yeah, that should be considered racism. Jesus. Yeah, that sucks. That is. I. That should be considered racism. Jesus. Yeah, that sucks. That is, I mean, it's so funny.

We're fighting getting banned and you're throwing up like live pregnancy videos. 4K footage of a woman's pussy getting split to her ass. All right, I'm just going to put up the 95 Masters again because I watched it again last night. Listen, it's a great Masters. It's much better than a horse

getting a tumor cut out of him. Yeah, that's fine with me. It's fine better than a horse getting a tumor cut out of him. That's fine with me. That's fine with me. As long as we never talk about what happened to that guy you just told me. I'm so sorry. I brought it up right before. It's been sitting with me. How do you guys handle if your girlfriend or wife became trans?

How do you handle that? Break up with them? Be like, yeah, all right. Beat it. But what reason do you give when you break up? Like, oh, you're like yeah all right beat it but what reason do you give when you break like oh you're a tranny you're a you're a man and that's gay i go i support it but no what are you kidding me it would i would ask like are you just going to like get armpit hair or are you actually gonna like pop the pussy out right turn it into a are you gonna turn it

into those things from like the science museum that you stick your finger in when you're 12 i don't care that they're turning trans now it's just like i don't have time for this it's like if your significant other out of nowhere is just like i'm going to in and out university and i'm gonna get an apartment in covina and you're like all right well you have okay what are they identifying as a cholo now i don't they're like fool this is just my community now and shit i'm going to clown college all right i respect your decision but i'm not fucking a clown i guess that is the you go yeah i just i don't have time i just don't have time for that is a big question if they don't do the whole like you know they start looking like buck angel they don't do that they're just like i'm just uh i'm a he him

now like do you still would you still stay with them yeah because i'm not gonna go to parties and be like mike get over here this is my beautiful boyfriend mike who looks like a woman because she is look at her look at mike's tits i love fucking mike in his juicy wet pussy he's had since he was born there's literally michael's tits are crazy joe have you seen crazy have you seen my husband michael's tits they are dynamite man i love pussy yeah 70s guy very dude his clit is getting bigger and bigger the other day he stuck it in my ass stuck the clip right in my ass and fucked me with it do they like give you a pill and then let you like do that do you blow it up yeah yeah that's they don't blow your pussy out inside a woman if she covers up her mouth and her nose when she sneezes her whole pussy turns into a dick that's how they do it let me fuck this shit by

the way i'll fuck this shit and if it's gorilla glue i'll turn that shit inside out i'll turn all the bitches trans you you're transducted by pink socking women oh is that what it's called i know that's what it when it's an ass that gets prolapsed it's called pink socking because it's like it like hangs out of you like a pink sock yeah howie mandel put that on his tiktok one day randomly are there guys like that have that that like just go buy hemorrhoid cream and they think that'll fix it? They parade it around town. It's like hanging out of them like a raccoon tail.

And they're like the mayor of whatever gay freak village they live in. Yeah. It's kind of like a natural butt plug. There's a guy walking around WeHo right now with a fucking pink fucking slimer dropping out of him people like hey yeah you fucked ramon from the bang bus he's like yeah they're like tight dude fucking tight i actually wouldn't look like a penis and i think about it because if you pink socked a pussy it would come out and it just looks like a like you know when a dog gets in an accident and its tongue hangs out of its mouth because it has no control over it anymore it would kind of just look like a tongue a dog on a hot day

one of those dogs that's like the ugliest dog in the world competition yeah yeah like a mexican hairless you know what i mean where the tongue hangs out like a dead fish out of like chamu's mouth one of those like little white shitty dogs, usually, with the eye crust. Where you run over and its eyes just pop out like this little stress toy. It's how you imagine Julia Roberts' pussy looks like. Oh, yeah. That bitch. What a freak she is. I bet she has a giant pussy, too.

Huge freak pussy. Maybe bigger than her mouth. I bet her pussy's black. I bet it's dark as night. I bet her pussy looks really. I bet it's like dark as night. I bet her pussy looks really dark. It's cold dark. It's Wesley Snipes dark. It looks like it's etched.

What is it called? Hatching and drawing? Yeah, it is hatching. Cross hatching. Yeah, yeah. It's that G.K. Chesterton bullshit kind of drawing stuff. That old 1840s English kind of...

Yeah, it's a mammy pussy it's a red bandana with polka dots on top of it yeah yeah what were you saying devon about her well i mean i've just if you guys ever seen porn where it's like a white woman and it's like her butthole is like around it is dark yes yeah many times what is that is that like they shit so much it it painted the walls i think that's literally it it's stained it's like if you smoke in your apartment too much it's like this and the walls yeah there was a chinese family that lived in her ass for like 20 years no that's why women when women bleach their assholes that's what they're doing is they're getting the shit stain out of their assholes. That's what they're doing.

They're getting the shit stain out of their ass. Is that like a, is it really? I wonder if that's really it. It's shit. It's like residual shit. I think it's literally residual shit. It's like not cleaning your toilet bowl and you get that ring. Or the tub, too.

You get a pink ring in the tub. The tub, yeah. You probably have it on your very own asshole right now, Devin. I bet I do. My ass stinks. I hate my ass, too, man i hate my ass too oh my ass hurts all the time not from gay sex just from shitting and bad food yeah i hate my goddamn asshole like if you have a hemorrhoid and you know how you look maybe my bleed a little bit you see like a little red blood sometimes sure if you shit over that can you get sepsis from your own shit you should be able to dude that would rule if that's how we had to start a go fund me for devon because he's shit

into an open hemorrhoid he's shitting into himself yeah i'm like i have to get on i have to get a twitter be like hey devon he's a dear friend he shit into a wound and he's at cedar sinai they don't think he's his ass is elevated in a big diaper bandage yeah you know those uh you know those bugs that kill people in the mummy those scarab things they crawl through yeah devon's like grunting on the toilet and shitting and the shit goes into a wound and it starts like going into his leg He has a big turd right here. And it's making its way to his heart. Rushing it to the hospital, they have to cut the skin and peel it back and take the shit out.

Yeah, it's going to happen to Devin. Yeah, that's going to happen to you too. I had to Google. I'm like, what? Because I have weird shit sometimes and I Google like, this was my shit. And I describe it in great detail. And then they go, this is what's wrong with you. And I'm like, damn my shit. Yeah. And I describe it in great detail. And then they go,

this is what's wrong with you. And I'm like, damn, I really hope not. Like the other day I typed in what my shit looked like and they said if your shit looks like that, you need to go to the hospital immediately. Yeah, then you go,

nah, it wasn't like that. It was a little different. I started talking myself out of it because you have to go from memory because I didn't take a picture of it. And I'm not looking at it. Like I'm like, I'm not over the toilet Googling and looking at it.

Even if you were, you would read that, like go to the hospital, and you'd flush it and be like, I don't think it was. You get rid of it so you can trick yourself that it wasn't it. It is fun to just ask Google general questions. You just be like, hey, what should I get my girlfriend for Christmas? Just anything. Well, yeah. Even like when you type in like, what do you get a girlfriend who loves like bows?

Yeah. Yeah. And Google's like, you kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Should I go to this event on Tuesday? I've literally I think I've said that to you before. I've literally like wanted to be able to ask Google like, hey, how much does rob make a year like you just google that and it knows the answer yeah if you look at popular

google searches people often search search literally just should i break up with my girlfriend yeah should i quit my job yeah i as if context doesn't exist can i tell you this is how bad of a relationship i was in at one point i was googling that every day should i break up with my girlfriend and then you were going to r slash i was going to r slash relationships i was taking advice from 12 year olds on whether or not i should break and it's very funny the top every time you click on one the top answer is like if you google this you should break up with your girlfriend yeah that's usually what they say it's like fuck fucking 12 year olds so right One of the most popular Google searches for women, I think it is... Is my husband gay?

Yes. And they Google that way more than they Google, is my boyfriend cheating on me? Yeah. Is my boyfriend gay? Yeah. Every woman is convinced that their boyfriend is gay. That has to be on us a little bit. Right.

Being sus. Yes. Yeah. No cap. If you're being sus, that's on you. That can't just be on the female brain. It's got to be on us a little bit. We are kind of gay.

Well, I think across the board. Because they see women, they have to like kind of pretend to do that because they're kind of homophobic, actually, because they can't stand seeing us have a good time with the boys. Truly. It literally is. A lot of it comes from that. Hanging with his friends. We have more fun with our friends than with her.

Yes. That's why all the gay jokes about football started with women, I think. Like, oh, a man with the butt and you go, oh, you... Every woman likes to go... They tap each other on the ass in basketball. Like, hey, good job. It's pretty gay. It's like, yeah, well, fuck you.

You're boring as shit. No, it's literally girlfriends being like, he laughed harder at that joke than he does at me because he wants to suck his friend's cock. Yes. They can't understand that they just don't say things as well as we do. Yeah. And not to be mean, they have other great qualities like, you know, pussies and baking and stuff. Like taking it.

Just really taking one. Just taking it, you know. Taking one. High threshold for pain, too. Shout out to women for like withstanding any like burns and stabbings and childbirth.

God made them have a higher threshold so we could hit them better. They do love getting hit. I mean, Chris Brown still sells out. All the women have a fantasy of him beating the shit out of them. Oh, yeah. You know?

Yeah. I just saw the day an old Tyson Fury tweet that really made me laugh. It was from 2013 when he was still a raging alcoholic. He just tweeted a picture of his Stella Artois at a bar. And he goes, beer number six. When I have four more, then go home and hit the wife. I was like, that rules. Because he might have done it.

Oh, yeah, probably. Probably. I miss drinking on a mission. Yeah. Where I'm like, it's a level of a video game that night. And you're like, level one. And you crack the beer. And you're like, all right. Pretty sure a level of a video game that night yeah and you're like level one and you crack the beer and you're like all right pretty sure i'm gonna make it to level two and you get second beer you go yep made it to level two yeah my favorite was always like the

mission will usually be like all right my goal tonight is to get really drunk before i leave my house so i'm drunk for a really long time i mean it's really fun to be a drinker. You can come up with so many things that just keep ruining your life. But like a hangover, there's a classic thing where when you have a bad hangover and you wake up with your friends and you're hungover,

everyone goes, we gotta get really greasy food because it soaks up the booze. It's like, who came up with that? A fat alcoholic? We're just allowing ourselves now, now you get to go eat whatever you want and it cures who came up with that a fat alcoholic like we're just allowing ourselves now now you get to go eat whatever you want and it cures the hangover yeah supposedly or we need a bloody mary that'll take you know you know i need a morning beer to get rid of the hangover

are you started telling yourself the lies you're like listen i just once a week i just get fucking blot out you know the other nights i have four to five beers it's fine exactly you know some a lot of times it's fun. You wake up and you're sore because you're just your body. You poison yourself. You're dehydrated. You feel like utter shit. But you go, what did I work out last night?

I'm fucking. Oh, my God. I was like out of the gym. When you start drinking so much, you sweat in normal AC and you're like, I'm burning fat right now. Summer drinking. You know, you're like, it's not even hitting me. I'm sweating it all out. It's a sauna. It's not even hitting me. I'm sweating it all out.

It's a sauna. It's a sauna, baby. I'm hydrating. Yeah, going outside. Oh, that's, I do not. That was a fun one, was going outside in like 110 degree heat, LA summer, and like smoking a drunk cigarette.

Yeah. Where it feels like it's hurting you. Yes. You know? Yes. Just everything. Your back hurts, but it has nothing to do with your back.

Like the structure of your back. It's the insides. Yeah, you're like, oh, that's deeper than a muscle strain. You're trying to crack your kidney. You're like, ugh, let's got to get that kink out. You're like, Joey, can you punch me? If you hit my kidney, all the blood will drain out of it into my penis. It ruled, though.

Because I was always like a utilitarian when it came to drinking i'm like i'm doing this for a reason i'm not just doing that like that's because i was abused as a child yeah you drank with a purpose yeah that's that that's the best way to do it though because like like defeating the the whole game is like the boss is at the end of the night. And you making it, like, the final mission is, all right, you know, private. You got to get in your car and you got to go 80 miles per hour in the fall. Good luck. I'm like, yes, sir.

And I'm, like, going to my car, dropping my keys, driving the wrong way on the one way, blasting cigs with the heater up and it's 86 degrees outside. But I can't figure out how to make it cold. Yeah, yeah. And then the Star Fox. The Star Fox like frog comes on the screen and goes, Private, you just passed a cop. You're going to have to kill him.

There's a gun in the glove department. Sir, yes, sir. That's the best thing. That is the best thing. He blows that off like Fargo. Every night you go drinking, it's like playing Dark Souls or something. There's a boss, but you don't know what it's going to be. It's like the stakes of drinking are so high.

You could end up fucking a beautiful woman, or you could end up in prison. And you don't know, because you can like literally be like the night's going and then you walk into a room you're talking to a lady you go oh my

but final boss tonight is fucking this lady really badly with my soft limp penis. Or is it? Or is it? Maybe it's fighting that black guy over there. You never know. Yeah.

It's kind of like every day you respawn. You know? Like Call of Duty or whatever. You are spawning. Sometimes you get shot right in the head. You go, fuck, these kids are good. Yeah.

Oh, I blacked out in Queens and I woke up two days later. Yeah. You know, I miss I miss opening the door to my bedroom and it's completely dark and just a soft, you know, like ray of light just falls on my sleeping wife and I'm just grinning like standing there in the dark like a psycho. ray of light just falls on my sleeping wife and I'm just grinning. Like standing there in the dark like a psycho. I'm like, look at her. She's none the wiser.

Little does she know I had 33 beers tonight. Little does she know. And every day passes and you go, I'm going to go hang out with my friends again tonight. You're like, you're not going to say anything? You don't have a problem with this? You're like, well, all right.

I mean, I'm killing myself. At one point, you have to sit your wife down and be like, listen, I have an issue with you not having a problem with what I'm doing. You should have more respect for yourself. Do you even love me at this point? Yeah. That you want me to kill myself?

I'm afraid you don't even love yourself. I know. And then you think you're getting away with it you come back like late at night and you're like she has no idea and then her pov you're like kicking over like clamps and shit like somehow somehow kicking a fucking like lamp out the window yeah breaking you're like you're kind of like resentful of them they're like yeah no i don't just as long as you uber home and you're like all right i mean it's pretty bad for my insides too i mean you could care about that a little bit maybe try and stop me yeah i could die 30 years before you and then you fuck some old weird guy

yeah i mean you know but you don't give a shit obviously you want to leave me you're a bitch and you want me to die so i'm gonna go drink because i feel really bad about that. It's it rules just like crawling into bed like a like a fucking skunk. Like a like a skunk, like some or like a cephalopod. Yeah. Some strange like centipede or slug or some crazy shit. And then just just turning over and looking at them and being like, they got to wake up in three hours for work like a fucking sucker. Yeah. What a sucker.

And you just look at them and you're like, they're probably jealous. And you go, I know what's gonna fix this. You lean over as they're sleeping and you go Just one on the back of the head like an asshole. Wake her up. I love you. You go too far and just

headbutter in the back of the head. See, the problem is though is there's so many guys that are scumbags. You know, every single one of your friends is cheating on their girlfriend that night or doing something way... And you're just like, I'm just having a good time. Right. You're just slowly killing the love she has inside of her heart every day. I'm doing it slowly.

Yeah. Like a man. But you compare yourself to the most evil piece of shit you know yeah I'm not I'm not that evil piece of shit

that like gaslights people and manipulates them yeah I didn't cheat on my girlfriend I hit a dog on the way home yeah and then I panicked

and I backed over the dog to make sure it was dead yeah and then realized I didn't actually hit it the first time I just stopped thought I hit it and then I hit it and killed didn't actually hit it the first time. I just stopped, thought I hit it, and then I hit

it and killed it. Backing up, which was the first time I did. No, babe, listen. I left before they were rifling through alleyways and killing homeless people. Didn't it roll back in the day to think you were being responsible

by sleeping in your car? You're like, guys, I'm going to do the right thing tonight. I'm going to sleep outside. Yeah. And knowing way too much about how to get a DUI. Where you go, guys, don't worry.

I put the keys on the back. If it's on the back tire, it's totally fine. I think I learned it had to be like 15. The key can't be inside the vehicle. It has to be like 15 feet away from the vehicle. They have different rules depending on the color of your skin it really depends

white guys you can drive at home yeah yeah that's police academy is like there's police academy where like one class is like how to arrest white people brown people yeah how to arrest white people they hand you the textbook and it's two pages long it's a

pamphlet. In most cases, you're going to want to not do that. In most cases, it's no. Yeah, here's the thing. You can, but what's the point, really? But anyway, I didn't want to make everything racial all of a sudden. Yeah. My favorite part of drinking was when you suddenly were taken out of commission,

when you just have to pull the ripcord and you're done for the night, where you just get so blotto you start to get the spins and you just have to go into a dark room and just go through hell while your friends have fun in the next room over. Usually it's always your birthday. You pass out at nine. All your friends just have fun without you. Yeah. You're thrown up in a tub and they're just staring at you and laughing yeah yeah would

you guys get pissed at me if i relapsed in the delivery room because it would kind of be awesome about that like yeah admit it it would be kind of pretty fun to film you yeah like it would be it would be funny if like right as the baby's's passing out of your wife's pussy, she just hears... You're just cracking an old Milwaukee. No, imagine my wife comes out of her weird epidural haze, right? And she looks. And the man, the love of her life, is playing PlayStation on that TV in the corner of the room. And I just turn back and I look at her and I go, crack.

And I just hold eye contact with her and sit and just drink a Miller light. You go I got you trapped now bitch. Flip her off. I own the paychecks. You literally cannot survive without me and we have a kid so. You're stuck with this until college. This was

all a scheme. This wasn't growth. It was trickinging you welcome to the next 18 years of your life bitch if you run away our child will starve to death fuck you and then she looks over you put the needle from the the drip thing into your own leg to get fucked up oh the epidural yeah you stole the epidural from your wife and you stuck it in your leg and you didn't even hit a van, so you're just getting edema in your foot. Yeah. That'd be tight as hell, dude. I'm going to be in the room over hitting on a woman giving birth.

Because I'm a day player. So I'm going from room to room. A woman's in the most pain she's ever been in. She's half crowning. She's like 15 centimeters dilated somehow. I'm just like, so... But you're like, she's already kind of losing weight. Yeah, well, I could be like, it's because your pussy's so tight.

That's why it's so hard right now. You go, it's a race, sweetheart. Whoever deflates quickest, I'm leaving with. I go to the doctors. I'm like, who was too tight that the baby wouldn't come out? I'm like, oh, room seven? Room seven had to have an emergency cesarean section? I'm like, nice.

Is that the Asian room? Did the doctor write on her chart, tight ass pussy, couldn't give birth? Part of me feel like Asians, they regurgitate their babies like they're big eggs coming out of a snake's mouth. Like when a snake rejects something that it swallowed. Like a Japanese woman goes

and it moves up her throat. She unhinges her jaw like a water moccasin or like a rattlesnake or something. It's just a big egg. And then they crack the human egg and they throw it in some fried rice. Asian women don't give birth. There's just one

giant Asian woman who births all the eggs that they hatch out of like fucking alien. I'm going to have to man up in the delivery room because it's happening in like a week and I'm not ready for it because the baby might be here by the time you guys

are watching this episode dude apparently the women like shit themselves they pee everywhere you should really freak out about that Katie's worried that I'm just gonna be laughing

the whole time cause she's gonna keep shitting herself and stuff and like I'm gonna be like I'm laughing like Peter Griffin the whole time. Freaky tweet. Taking pictures of her shed

and showing it to her. One of the nurses is going to pull me aside at one point and be like, hey, look, I never do this, but what is wrong with you? Hey, listen, you can't vape in here. I'm doing vape tricks. Stop doing vape tricks around the baby's crowning head you're blowing a ring and pushing it over the baby dude so uh our sister told me that one of the doctors told her in the hospital that uh someone they came they came in the room

and the the baby it was it was uh like an hour old Is that what you say An hour old I don't know I mean if you're a cocksucker Yeah One of those people Is like my baby's actually 17 months

The baby was Nobody cares anymore We hope it dies Nobody cares It's not even a thing Until it's like 4 or 5 And it's ugly Yeah

The baby was like an hour old And the nurse came in And like had to hit a spoon Out of the mom's hand Because her and the husband Were trying to give the hit a spoon out of the mom's hand. Because her and the husband were trying to give the baby honey. Oh, I thought you were going to say smoking crack. I did too.

Yeah, because it was a flaming hot spoon. They were shooting the baby up an hour in. Well, I didn't know this, honestly. I'm an idiot. I didn't know you couldn't give a baby water. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if I was just, you know. You would have given a baby like a glass of water. I would have been like, I mean, fucking, we don't have baby water.

I don't know. Fucking give it some water. Give it some water. I thought it's life sustenance. I do not like being around little babies at all. It actually really freaks me out. I was thinking about on the drive here, like the first time I'm going to hold your daughter, I'm going to just be full of like, literally like what if I'm holding the baby and it just explodes

or something? And then it's my fault, you know? Yeah. Well, I blame you forever and hold it against you. We could still do the podcast though, right? Yeah. Apparently, I don't even know if you want to see the baby for like the first couple days.

Apparently, it's born with a cone head. Yeah. Because the baby, the head is, it comes out like the shape of a turd. Yeah, they come out like. So it can come out of the pussy. Yeah. Their heads get smushed when they come out of the fucking pelvis. And then it, like you push it.

How does it not. It's like Play-Doh, you push it back. How does it not press that part that could kill them? Like how does the pussy not kill the kid? Well, I think that part's on the top. So it just, it passes right through. It passes right through. Yeah. I don't know. God is an amazing, amazing guy. pussy not killed the kid well i think that part's on the top so it just it passes right through yeah

i don't know god is an amazing amazing guy what if you're like the baby's crying you're like what's this and you just push the top of the tent right now you're like well it's dead now like you're just turning off an xbox yeah no it really does freak me out. And I've seen, like, it's always funny when somebody just gives birth and they're like, oh, look at the baby. And you're like, that's the ugliest fucking thing

I've ever seen. Dude, supposedly they're really ugly when they're born. I mean, they all look the same to me. Yeah. I really don't. They look fucking... They're like elderly Asian women. They look like obese, like, Mongolian people.

They look terrible. Asian women. They look like obese Mongolian people. They look terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got outfits ready for the baby. I got a bunch of outfits. Yeah, what do you got? You got it like a frog hat, right? Pepe.

Yeah. Pepe that you're going to dress up. In preparation of January 6th. That's right. You got a Blue Lives Matter pacifier. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

A little Punisher stroller. Yeah. You got a shirt of the Blue M&M as a cop saluting the flag. I got her a Fisher-Price vape. Mm-hmm. Baby's first vape. You called Fisher-Price. You go, do you have like a Baby's First Capitol riot set?

Like a big plastic Capitol she can like like rain little gates for her to climb. Yeah. I'll buy the Nancy Pelosi desk extension so she can take a shit on it. God, we were saying it the other day, but I hope to God there's another January six or someone got us kicked off. It might've been, but I said like,

well, I'm not going to say it again, but you know, that might've got us kicked off. I'm not really sure. Who knows? We played the hits that episode and we just happened to have every highlight Well, I'm not going to say it again. That might have got us kicked off. I'm not really sure what happened. Who knows? We played the hits that episode, and we just happened to have every highlight

we've ever talked about in one episode. It was like watching the Ed Reed highlights of being racist on one episode. Yeah, that episode had Pastor Troy playing in the background. Bone thugs in harmony. Yeah, you had Devin going like, The whole motherfucker! Can't be touched, can't be stopped, Bone thugs in harmony Yeah you had like Devin going like Hold motherfucker

Can be touched Can be stopped Can be moved Can be dropped Running 50 yards And fucking up that Colts receiver It's the thuggish Roggish boss

Dude January 6th Was fucking kick ass It's the thuggish Roggish boss We should Before the podcast just come out like doing the ray lewis dance a little shake shimmy oh man yeah the devon thought of the perfect metaphor for the podcast is us it's where i am legend zombies yeah dark

in a room i mean it gets like 400 degrees in here when we're doing this because we're so bitter and hateful. Yeah. No our hate literally like powers like the electricity in your house. We're literally. We're so hateful that like white bulbs start surging. We're like hamsters. It's creating Ben's electricity.

Eating each other. Eating like our own asses off. Just in a pile of wood chips and shit imagine if we didn't have this as an outlet we'd do something really bad oh we we yeah we would definitely we were all on our way yeah we would not i wouldn't make it to 35 if i was still working a traditional job we were all on our way i almost moved to the woods in new hampshire yeah get that yeah i was literally gonna go be jeremiah johnson in like opioid junction new hampshire yeah yeah you're welcome thanks man thank you you didn't become gay ted kaczynski yeah just male and fucking that's redundant yeah i would have been he was gay he was so gay dude

his bomb sucked yeah i would have I would have had to like ticked didn't they tick did they it's like so hacked yeah I mean he mailed big cartoon circle bombs with the big wick on it yeah and he also I don't know his victims were just pretty lame he's like you know I'm gonna like take off Dottie's hand at the post office wow you're really getting back at the man he's like you know who i hate temps fuck temps he should have killed like random micro celebrities yeah that would have been well it was funny because he would literally like i think he would send it to like the head of the like fa like the atf or something but it would be like fucking like literally a ticking package wrapped by a maniac and they're like yeah we're not like fucking this retarded secretary's gonna

open that he was sending like looney tunes bombs, we're not fucking, this retarded secretary's gonna open that. He was sending Looney Tunes bombs. We're not gonna go, hey, Mr. President, here's a weird package a psychopath sent you. Don't worry, the return postage just says, U.S. County Road 67. So we know it's legit. McVeigh, I mean, that guy pulled it off.

That was a great guy. But a lot of people think there's some possible inside stuff there. Well, with Terrence Yeekey being killed and some other people. He was the police officer there? He was the sheriff. He was a black sheriff and he looked kick-ass. He looked like Cuba Gooding Jr. I mean, a black sheriff is pretty cool. Did he have the cowboy hat?

I don't know if he did. I like to think he did. If you are a black sheriff and you don't have the cowboy hat, I hope you get killed in the line of duty. Because what a stupid way to exist. Imagine being the sheriff in Oklahoma or Texas and opting out of wearing the sheriff's hat. Being a black sheriff and you're like, I could ride a horse in a cowboy hat and carry a shotgun. Yeah, he wears a new era hat.

Flat brim Marlins cap. Putting a fucking holographic sticker on his stetson underneath it yeah apparently terence yeeky was one of the witnesses to the whole oklahoma city bombing and he thought something totally different and then he uh killed himself by like shooting himself a bunch in his car and then he crawled uh down a ditch and like over a barbed wire fence and then like 200 more yards into a middle of a field and then like shot himself ditch and like over a barbed wire fence and then like 200 more yards into a middle of a field and then like shot himself again and like cut his wrist and like stabbed himself.

Oh, my God. I thought that was Ellen's DJ. Damn. I forgot. That was very good, Devin. Yeah. I forgot about that guy. What was his name again?

Like question mark or something? Twitch, I think. Yeah, Twitch. It's called Twitch. Yeah. Well, they're having to call it in. something? Twitch, I think. Yeah, Twitch. It's called Twitch. Yeah. Well, they're having to call it in. They're like, oh, we found Twitch's body. We found Twitch, the fake DJ's body.

You know the guy who would pretend to hit knobs to play a fucking Otis Redding song? We found his blackhead's missing. All jokes aside, it seems like Ellen is a cannibal of some sort. Like, she eats human flesh oh sure yeah you know what's really interesting is after all the the last what is it like last like probably five years we've all kind of realized like she's a psychopath and it all kind of came out i went back and watched the her comedians and cars getting coffee episode because my whole life i just thought it was just some like like fucking harmless yeah some goofy

you know just like nice and fine. And the comedians and cars getting coffee episode, you see it like, oh, she is a psychopath and none of us got it. Like what pops out to you? Just her general aura and vibe. And she just talking about fame and like doesn't seem like a person. The fact that her and Jerry Seinfeld get along really well. I mean, she's a sociopath.

Yeah, pretty much. Because Jerry's role in comedy for the last 35 years has just been like, and the thing with food stamps, like, get the fuck out of the grocery store. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, he's, people will say they go to Jerry Seinfeld shows and he's doing the same jokes from like 30 years ago.

But it's like, that's the craft to him is to just keep perfecting the same like from like 30 years ago. But it's like that's the craft to him is to just keep perfecting the same peanut joke, I guess. Yeah, being doing the peanut joke for 30 years and then being an intolerable cocksucker in every interview. Doing an interview like you're a heart surgeon. Yeah, you ever titty fuck a kid? What if he did start doing like, you ever have a great piece of 17-year-old pussy?

Don't Chinese women look like they hatch an egg out of their mouth? Like a big cobra? Raise a Jerry Seinfeld? Well, he hires me as his new writer. I could take it to the next level, by the way. He hasn't tapped into the alt-right fan base. Yeah, you really could. I could put him in arenas tomorrow. Yeah. He's just in the biggest theaters in the world. I could put him to the next level, by the way. He hasn't tapped into the alt-right fan base. Yeah, you really could. I could put him in arenas tomorrow.

Yeah. He's just in the biggest theaters in the world. I could put him in arenas. Yeah, being like, don't you want to smoke meth and rape your wife? Crowds go like fucking ape shit. But still giving interviews where he goes, see, the thing about comedy is it's a bomb for the spirit, if you will. Because he'll literally do that in every,

so you'd be like, the ancient role of the jester was one making fun of the king. Now, if you look at this joke about Froot Loops, this is from 1978 when I started getting into TN because I've been a cocksucker for 50 years. Yeah. From what I understand, it's just another man who has a learning disability who, thank God,

he met like Larry David. Yeah, being Jewish. Yes a learning disability who thank God he met like Larry David. Yeah being Jewish. Yes learning disability is Jewish. Okay it's off YouTube. Okay sorry. Sorry. No it's okay it stays in. The learning disability is learning

empathy. Well to me Jerry Now it's off YouTube. Sorry. Sorry everybody. Very good. Where are you saying, Devin? To me, Jerry Seinfeld's greatest trait is his thoughts. I don't care for his comedy. Seinfeld was great. But he does have...

In interviews, he kind of kicks ass. Yeah, he had a great line once in a 60 Minutes thing I was watching where they go, Do you care that the tabloids say this and that about you dating this 17-year-old girl? With gigantic tits. With gigantic tits. And he gets a pass from me. I mean, she was tremendous. She doesn't look 17.

And in New York, it's fine. Come on, Manhattan, baby. Woody Allen. That's basically a 35-year-old mileage right there. Yeah. 17-year-old in Manhattan? What's the issue? There is a part of me that is like like her having giant

tits is like kind of a good defense because i'm like well he's not a pedophile she had humongous yeah it is you know you're like i mean she was a kid but she's fucking curvy but a curvy child you're out literally you're right my defense like, but I think she's really hot. The defense is like, my dick got hard, so what's the deal? Your Honor, I bang my 48-year-old wife and I hate it. My dick gets hard for her, my dick got hard for that child. So, is it pedophilia? Yeah, in court, the judge has to be like, I gotta see your tits to make the call here. He goes, alright, in my chambers, got to feel the nips real quick.

I got to see how big the areolas are. Are they real pointy nips? If they're really small areolas, this is bullshit. If they're big, if they're bigger than a penny, you walk today. If they're smaller than a penny, your ass is going to jail. Yeah, it's like OJ trying to put the fucking glove on. She's trying to shove nipples in a fucking... Mr. Seinfeld, you were the first to chew on these.

All right. Case dismissed. Oh, so you're telling me she was fucking her classmate, Larry Silverstein, who was 16. Who did 9-11. Pot calling the cattle a pedophile, your honor. Yeah, he had a great line where they were like, do you care what the tabloids are saying about you?

And he goes, no. He goes, I think people who read the tabloids, they deserve to be lied to. I was like, oh, it's kind of like a great, quick. He's kind of a genius. He's really, really, really smart. He does have a couple. I just hate how

snobby he is but i do there is one where he's talking to wale which is very funny you know like the yeah yeah the rapper the indie rapper and then he's wally's like well what about uh what about on that roof yeah he's like sometimes i'm like i'm on my roof and i think about jumping like what's up with that and seinfeld goes frankly who like who gives a shit like just don't think about it anymore like who cares and he is he is right when he says that he's like you're we're just stupid yeah he's like i think about jumping off my balcony all the time every time i go out there yeah it doesn't concern me one bit yeah he just sucks ass there was i saw something recently was that girl from the show Girls, the annoying artsy one.

Do you know what I'm talking about? The blonde artsy one in the show Girls. Oh, the British one? The British one. Yeah. She posted on her story this like went viral and she was like answering questions from the poll thing on Instagram. And one was like, do you have any advice for women with a lot of goals but who get social anxiety and she just responded i think most of you think about yourself way too much

and people are like oh this actually changed my yeah entire life because it is true yeah yeah it is true you go you go goals i mean just like be friends with lena donham yeah exactly get put in a really successful job find a fat nepo bitch and then just kind of ride those pork coattails for a while. Man, she looks... Lena Dunham looks like she ate Lena Dunham. I know. She looks like she's dating John Goodman. It's really crazy, dude.

She's turning into Patrick Star. She looks like she's... She's preparing for the sequel to Planes, Trains, and Automobile. Yeah, she's playing the mess around while she drives around manhattan she's uh she's good and uh once upon a time in hollywood by the way she plays like a dumb nepo retard yeah like very well tarantino purposely cast all those nepo baby shitheads because they come off like weird sociopathic cult members basically you're saying like like we did saying, like, she was great. She was great at playing

a suck-ass, dirty, fat character. Yeah, that's why I'm laughing because, like, we say, like, very mean things so casually. Devin goes, of course. That's why he casted Nepo Baby Shithead. And, like, Devin moved on

and didn't even realize he said it. Yeah, I didn't even hear it. Yeah, no. See, he's laughing. He didn't even know he said it. He doesn't even know the words that are coming out of his mouth. I really don't. None of us do.

No, I don't remember anything I say. I mean, you're about to somehow figure out a way to relate this to monkeys. And have no clue. You'll start talking about, you know, Def Jam comics and then go straight to the zoo. No, I mean, if you, like, five years from now, you could show me, like, I could accidentally listen to this episode of the podcast, and I'm like, who are these cocksuckers? And I'm like, I'm going on Twitter,

I'm canceling us from the cast. I don't even know. You're logging into our Reddit. You're like, this Ben guy has to go. Your daughter's tying blankets together to escape out of her bedroom and run away to the new Manson family in 2032. I guess Margaret Qualley, too, is a nepo baby.

The one with the feet. And she's in the Manson family in that movie. Like, there's a reason. Andy McDowell's daughter, yeah. And she actually stinks, though. She's fine as a nepo baby shithead Manson family member in the movie. That's a reason daughter yeah and she actually stinks though she's fine as a as a nepo baby shithead manson family member in the movie that's why it worked you know she's also in the nice guys she's also a fucking nepo baby retard and she's perfect yeah yeah and now she's married

to the jack canton off the guy who writes all taylor swift's uh bullshit yeah so she's just literally like been ejected from like a fucking easy life into like an even easier better life so it really goes to show there's like you know the talent revolving around acting is like you know there's like maybe 0.001 percent that are like you know you daniel day lewis's or whatever but for the most part it's like what is the qualification like being being famous come like what are the chances all these people are just like great at acting it's just oh acting's the most overrated thing of all time yeah it's just whatever whoever's closest to the people that make the shit like oh your kid will do yeah let's make him a star every oscar season there's like at least one guy where they're like

oh this guy was delivering pizzas and we thought he looked retarded, so we put him in the movie and now he's won the Oscar. Yeah. How hard is acting if a guy from Nigeria, like in Captain Phillips, you're like, that's the best actor I've seen in 10 years. Right, because he doesn't even know the cameras are on. Yeah, a guy who can't speak English and has yellow eyes. That guy's better than Tom Hanks right now.

Yeah, the guy in Captain Phillips literally thought he was taking over a boat. Yeah, they rapped final day. He goes, so I keep the boat. No, this is a set. He goes, this icy boat. I keep this now. By the way, my eyes are sunburned.

That's why my eyes are yellow. My eyes, it's not from drinking like Michael Jordan. It's because I've not had a carrot in my whole life my eyes are filled with the sun my eyes are filled with light it is never dark here we had so little food in Zimbabwe that we tried to

eat light like a plant and we would stare at this sun for hours what is that because their eyes look like Pac-Man it's bizarre. It's literally they're malnourished from living in Africa. Oh, and I feel bad.

Yeah. No, they literally have lupus. They have autoimmune disorders? They have like, yeah, they have like fucking like kidney failure but their skin is,

you know, the color of a Snickers bar so you can't see it except the eyes. Then why not move? Why not move to like Dallas or like Fort Worth or something like that? Just be like, I never realized I moved to Dallas. It's great.

Yeah. He immediately becomes the manager of a Buc-ee's. He's like, I make as much as the Lemon Party podcast guys. This is great. I run the tight ends now. And it's great because when the girls overdose I get to rape them all I want sorry sorry

sorry yeah he's moving to America because it's the land of opportunity in parentheses to rape even more we moved to we had run out of babies to fuck in parentheses to rape even more. He has a land of opportunity. We moved to, we had run out of babies to fuck in Africa,

which really happens. Even though Jason said this on the podcast nine times now. I still can't believe that's true. Yeah. That's crazy to me. They think babies are like Kleenexes in Africa. Oh my God. You just pull one out of a box and then you, sorry, is this too bad? You pull one out of a box and then you... Sorry, is this

too bad? You pull one out of a box and then you go and you go, okay, I don't have AIDS now. It's like socks you buy at Target. You just buy a big bag. The way you bring fish home from PetSmart. It's socks you bought at the airport

because you forgot socks on your trip. And you're like, well, when I get back, I'm throwing these in the garbage. So they think it takes their AIDS away. Yes. That's what you're saying.

Yeah, no, literally. They think it's like clean slate if you fuck somebody who's never been fucked. So do you understand how they're not all dying from AIDS?

Because it was my understanding that if you get AIDS, you die. Oh, here's the simple explanation. They are all dying of AIDS. And I'm not even kidding.

That is the explanation. I think like 30 million Africans have died from AIDS. Even recently? I thought there was like a... I don't know the recent numbers. I'm not going to look it up. Yeah, I'm not... I'm an anti-vaxxer for the AIDS medication in Africa.

Yeah. They're not on PrEP or anything, right? No, they are on Grindr, though. They're on Grindr going ASL are you a power button no but I also love what they do is there's gotta be an app there for like like it's like

you remember like farmers only and like wasn't there a fish one? Plenty of fish. Plenty of fish. There's got to be like an app like that over there. But for people who have AIDS. Like plentyofaids.com.

Yeah. H-I-M-E.com. It's OKCupid. But only it's like I have AIDS. You have AIDS. OK Stupid. Why were you born in Africa? Is the name of that. OK Stupid stupid why were you born in africa is the name why are you born in africa sorry what were you gonna say though jace no i was just gonna say

it's always funny because one of those guys they're like yeah this guy we found in a shipping container washed up on lake michigan he's the greatest actor this year and then that guy goes okay i have an agent. What now? And they go, oh, you don't. No, you don't get to do this anymore because you look insane. We can't make a sequel to Tower Heist and then you're just in the middle being all African and shit. So they just let him have his Oscar-y moment where they pretended he was great. And they're like, look, he's wearing a tux.

Yeah. Isn't that wacky? No, they literally, when they give him the Oscar, they go, by the way, you're going to want to keep this to sell it later because there's no more opportunity. You're going to melt it down and sell this. I mean, literally the guy from Captain Phillips,

who's amazing, the only time I saw him, he was the security guard in Good Times who gets the shit beat out of him for four minutes. Yeah. And then he hasn't been in another movie. Same with the lady from Precious. She was in Precious precious nominated for an oscar and then she was like in the tower heist movie and then fucking i think now she's like co-hosting the like is it cake or not now she's lizzo her greatest role today don't they love to do this every oscars because i don't watch it but

isn't every oscars they're like and the best actor goes to like uh ching chong bing bong and then and then like everyone pretends they're like of course the household name ching chong bing bong everybody loves ching chong bing bong right and then next year everyone's like who was that who who are you talking about oh my doorman won an oscar no no uh this year it's about Africans. I mean, when Coda won Best Picture, they're like, who can forget this deaf retard who was good or whatever? He'll have a big career ahead of him. The deaf guy.

At the Dolby Theater, as they walk off stage, someone kicks them in the closet. Yeah, yeah. They fucking kick them and they slam the door and they lock it. And they're banging like, Help! Help! You can hear them. Help!

And they just cut to commercial. If they're lucky, there's like a segment at the Oscars where they all take a big selfie together. And then the guy sells it. Yeah. They take a selfie and they go, okay, you go in the cage with Abigail Breslin and the girl from Precious. Yeah. The people on the red carpet taking pictures of the actors now

make more money than the people on the... No, you have to... You go to the Oscars, you hope Angelina Jolie adopts you even though you're like 28. You go, please Brad Pitt, beat the shit out of me. Please.

Yeah, because Angelina Jolie goes up afterwards and treats it like an auction where she she looks out at the crowd and she's like she's bidding on people checking gums and shit holding their arms out literally the captain philips guy is giving his speech and she just holds up like a number on

a white piece of paper and then jimmy kimmel goes I hear 500 500 550 550 550 go now for the black guy, black guy, 550, 600. Yeah, she gets like a bundle deal on like the Parasite family. Yeah. She's like, I got him for 150K. Brad Pitt's like, God damn it.

He goes, those guys were great servants in that movie. I want to hire him. Did Brad Pitt get sued by all of his children? Yeah. Yeah. That's a damn shame. He's so talented. But it's like he deserves to treat them like shit.

I mean, it's annoying. Yeah. You come home and fucking, you know. Like your wife just found a dog on the side of the highway. Yeah, it's fucking got to be annoying. Yeah. Supposedly they suck ass from what I've read. I forget the details, but apparently all the kids are like shit ass.

Imagine coming home and looking like Lord of the Flies all the time. You're like, this is a $25 million home. I wanted to fuck you and put blood around our necks, not like raise a litter of Sudanese children that you found in a cardboard box at Walmart. That's a weird sick Mia Farrow type of thing. Mia Farrow. Where a really sick woman has a sicko. Mia Farrow's a fucking sicko. That's a weird sick Mia Farrow type of thing. Mia Farrow. Where a really sick woman has a sicko. Mia Farrow's a fucking sicko.

She's a sicko. Woody Allen, I've come around. You've talked to me. And dude, he probably did fuck that girl. He ate out a kid. Yeah, he probably did. The maids walked in on it. Oh, God.

I mean, that was in the dock. That was in the dock. A lot of maids came forward. He ate out a kid? The maid walked in on him eating out a kid. Yeah. Can you imagine being that maid? Just being like, my green card is on the line.

You walk in on a Jewish man who's three inches tall eating out his weird fucking adopted daughter. Which, do it, Ted. Do it. What race of kid did he eat out? It was white. I know. It was Mia, I think. It was Mia, I think. It was Mia's daughter.

No, not Mia. It was Mia's little Dylan, I think. Dylan's a boy. Might have been Dylan or might have been the Asian. It might have been the Asian one that he grew that he was going to the nursery. Yeah, it's funny. He was getting soil for it. Yeah, pouring MSG on it, putting it in the sun.

Sprinkling sesame seeds on it. No, I think it was dylan it was the one that like mia had with like a previous it was dylan relationship i thought dylan's the reporter dylan fair ronan ronan oh okay yeah i don't really give a shit yeah she named her kids after like superhero characters ronan's the fun ruiner that guy is a single-handed leader trying to take down all talent yeah Yeah, looks like a Barbie sociopath. Yeah. Meant to ruin good movies. But no, she's adopted like fucking 25 black children, and I think like half of them have killed themselves or something.

Really? So she's now, I swear to God, I think like four of her children have killed themselves. At this point, she must be murdering them. There must be a detective at the FBI investigating. Half of them have like killed themselves at this point she must be murdering them well and there must be a detective at the fbi investigation half of them have like split off half of them i think are woody allen defenders the other half are like mia farrow defenders and they all say that she like really loved ronan and like groomed him for this career and the other one she was kind of like all right get over with the black garbage over there yeah you know i mean we i think we talked about it but she famously tweeted she's like happy birthday to my daughter you know i mean we i think we talked about it but she famously tweeted she's like

happy birthday to my daughter you know question mark and it was the screenshot that of a google search that said mia farrow and her black daughter and every every kid their name it's like in wing dings yeah it's like circles and black squares and weird shit yeah fuck her no i mean she was running like a pedophile farm for, like, Woody. That's the thing. It takes two with this shit. It takes two to fuck kids. Somebody has to. It takes two, baby.

Somebody's got to, like, you know, harbor them. Yeah. Someone's got to bring them in. Mm-hmm. There's a fucking kid petting zoo at the fucking, at the Pharaoh household. Yeah. Sinatra went over and just had his way with all of them. Mm-hmm.

You know? For fish to wash up on the shores, there needs to be a storm. Yes. Yeah. Sinatra went over and just had his way with all of them. For fish to wash up on the shores there needs to be a storm. Yes. Yes. There needs to be waves or whatever. Whatever the metaphor calls for here. Yeah. But anyway, he ate out a kid. But at least Brad Pitt wasn't fucking him. He was just giving him black eyes and shit.

That's the thing. I think one of the kids of the Pitt family said he was a monster. Oh, really? Well, whatever, bitch. Enjoy Brentwood. You know, you can still see your eye just hurts a little bit. Right. And I mean, to be fair, he's so attractive.

So, you know, let him get some weird kids. He's fucking awesome. He's talented. He's so good. Very talented. Yeah. So let him beat the shit out of some kids. Devin, after Thanksgiving, made me watch Once Upon a Time.

Actually, I put it on. He didn't make me. But I put it on to make him happy. Nobody makes me do anything. It was my decision. Devin recommended after Thanksgiving, made me watch Once Upon a Time. Actually, I put it on. He didn't make me, but I put it on to make it happen. Nobody makes me do anything. It was my decision. Devin recommended it, and I agreed. I said, that's good. We're going to watch it. When Brad Pitt dumps the dog food at the end when he's high on acid,

and it drops, he goes, whoa, whoa. He was saying that every night he came home. Yeah, standing over the crumpled body of a child. Watching some kid named like Jigrat like fucking hang from the fucking ceiling fan like a vine. I've never heard a name sound worse

but not mean anything. That's insane. Well, that's how he would feel. That's like you pull a slur from another dimension into ours. That was some Rick and Morty shit right there where he reached into a wormhole and grabbed the slur in it before it closed yeah there's a country called south park and that's where slurs exist uh but that's how he would feed jigrat he would just like pour it pour as a can yeah as he as he pours out like 10 fish

in a big can. He's driving a van full of adopted kids to the desert to just kick them out. He goes, and away we go. The way he's killing all those people at the end of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Do you think he does that to all his kids? Because Angelina Jolie keeps replacing people

you like to think they're dying. He comes home after shooting a movie for three months and bam, bam, bam. He's just cleaning the dinner table with her face. I love the way he kills everybody. Oh, it's great. What was so funny was all the woke bullshit that came out after that movie

where it was like, it was a bit... It was anti-women. Feminists were like, it was anti-women so funny was all the woke bullshit that came out after that movie where it was like, it was a bit like, it was feminist. It was anti-women. It was like, they're in the Manson family, you dumb fuck. Well, I didn't realize this. Devin said people watched the movie. Even critics watched the movie. They didn't know it was about the Manson family. Yeah.

Yeah. People completely missed what was going on. They didn't understand the tension that was building in the movie. Yeah didn't get it at all no i mean executives are mentally retarded there's that story i think i told you where scorsese was uh he was uh showing wolf of wall street to all the executives at warner brothers and like they got the executives got a huge fight because they're like that guy's that guy's like a piece of shit why is he the hero of the movie and other executives are like does he have to tell you that guy's like a piece of shit. Why is he the hero of the movie? And other executives are like, does he have to tell you that guy's a bad guy?

But all those guys are also raping kids on an island somewhere. I mean, people literally, there's threads on Twitter of people being upset at the Sopranos for transphobia. Which is literally the point. When Chris tells a story like his friend in the mafia fucking a trans person that he pours like acid all over them and shit because he was embarrassed

yeah it's like yeah they're bad awful people which is the point the point of him telling that story is to be like yeah this guy hates yes like fucking people that aren't like him and to really turn off like Jon Favreau and the lady in the scene I mean it's like it's unbelievable it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable how stupid people are. Yeah. People have the media literacy of gnats now. No one deserves anything. You should have to pass an IQ test to even be able to log in and watch the Sopranos or like certain things. Like you shouldn't be allowed to see them. You know, in prisoners, when when they lock Paul Dato in that makeshift shower with the plywood and stuff? I love that.

Love that stuff. That shit happened to most critics. Most critics should be put in that thing. They go, and it's a positive review for me on Rotten Tomatoes for Bridesmaids 2.

And then they leave the review and they go, and they feel satisfied and they turn around and I'm standing there. So I'm just smiling like the clown from it. And I take them in their office chair and I slide them into it. And I put the board and I start hammering it. You start hammering them in. You start hammering. You turn on the scalding hot water.

Time for your shower. Yeah, it's just you and Tom Sizemore running this entire operation. Just doing huge amounts. Oh, the ghost of Tom Sizemore. Yeah, Tom Sizemore in the past before he died doing huge amounts of cocaine and burning critics alive.

It is why you said that because there was like that scene is horrible but when I saw like the makeshift shower prison for the first time I was like

hell yeah I'm like that's a great torture device I'm like this this sickens me but you burned that retard up and you don't mind

because you're like I think he has his kid yeah and then you find out he doesn't but you're still like I don't know Paul Dan is a little

weird creep fuck him he never answers people so yeah has his kid. Yeah. And then you find out he doesn't, but you're still like, I don't know, Paul Dan is a little weird creep. Fuck him. He never answers people. So, any character in a movie that just doesn't answer you, you're like, I don't care if I can kill him.

I don't care if he's innocent in the movie. Guilty. Guilty is guilty. Silence is violence. I say things like that because I'm the type of retard who thinks that things rhyme.

It's true. Yeah. Right. Silence is violence, Silence is violence, baby. You're also the type of retard who thinks that things rhyme. It's true. Yeah. Right. You're also the type of retard who thinks being a good person is just saying things without actions. So you go, silence is bad. You're like, well, I actually, I work for the canned food drive every day of the week and they go, but you didn't post.

Yeah. I post and then I go do cocaine. So you're welcome. Literally, I've never done a good action in my life, but I think words are more important than that because I'm a horrible person. I have to filter things through my ego so I don't blow my own brains out.

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magnet it's easy as that and you can interchange them we have a lot of disc plates around here we have a south park disc plate as you see we keep in. Ben has a little weird Japanese egg one he keeps in the house. And then another one, Lord of the Rings, I think. I'm going to get him one that's just a picture of his baby in utero and frame it up on the wall. I love that. So they have licensed designs from brands like Star Wars and Stranger Things to gifts perfect for sports fans. This plate has what you need to make the season bright. And now you can save up to 30% off when you click the link in the show notes.

Discount will be automatically applied to your cart when you click the link or use the code lemon when you visit Displate.com. That's Displate.com code lemon or click the link in our show notes. So thank you, Displate. And now back to the show. Thank you. I really hope cocaine keeps killing those people and i'm actually people think oh that's a mean thing to say i hope it keeps killing all of them oh yeah i hope they keep dropping like flies if

you're still retired enough to keep doing like here's the thing first couple years you're cool and do cocaine i don't want you to die yeah but most people do cocaine seem to suck ass yeah i can tell yeah yeah and the first like four years when fentanyl was just becoming a thing, I'm like, that's sad, I get it. But 2023, you're still doing cocaine? It's like, you're kind of mentally retarded. If I was president, I'd ban test strips. I'd be like, you gotta take the risk.

David's right. Take the risk, bitch. Yeah, ride the lightning, cocksucker. Yeah, you're having that good of a night? Your night's that good? All right, well, it gonna be russian roulette a little american russian roulette i don't want a country of pussies exactly banning testing exactly and i'm taking narcan off the market even for professionals to respond to drug overdoses yeah no thank you yeah that's president kate quigley no more test strips. Yeah.

Apparently Narcan just gets used on like dead homeless people all the time anyway. Apparently that's what they do. Like EMSs. Like I think you need a high school graduate like certificate. You need like a high school diploma to be an EMS. Yeah, it's not difficult. Yeah, they show up. There's like a dead homeless guy and they just hit him with Narcan just out of assumption.

I don't understand the Narcan thing because I thought that was only in video games where your teammate is down in war and then you put a syringe in him and he just hops back up. It's like Nazi zombie shit. They're just running all around San Francisco and reviving all those people. I think it's literally just adrenaline, right? I think so. I think it's like

to keep him alive enough to get him to actually pump the stuff, whatever they need. To keep him alive, they give him more cocaine to get his heartbeat up. pump the stuff whatever they need to keep him alive they give him they give him more cocaine yeah yeah get his heartbeat I don't know anything about it I know they they have them all in my neighborhood in Echo Park like at like hip coffee shops like you buy a coffee and there's they go there's free Narcan

free test strips it's like no beat it yeah get out of here knock it off and obviously I'm joking I don't want people to know apparently apparently there's all the time there's people with like diabetes who like go into like the shakes and the guy just like hits them with Narcan and they like die. So heart attack. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. They think they're overdosed. Yeah. They're a piece of shit like me. Yeah. They're high on drugs like me. And I mean, their jobs are like, OK, I showed up at another guy who overdosed on cocaine and, you know, everybody sucks.

So I'm assuming this guy is like everybody else. So if I take Narcancan can i get high like can i do it like let's whip it or like nitrous oxide i think you would just give yourself a panic attack if you took narc it means it's adrenaline it's adrenaline i don't think it does anything to you if you don't have drugs in your system i think we were we were considering doing it as a gag on hate launch and then somebody said it's really bad yeah you kill like joey on the vodka the first podcast death in media i kind of want to start doing drugs that aren't drugs just for like i'm like yeah i took a bunch of niacin today like yeah yeah left the house and i was like i'm gonna take like 4 000 milligrams of niacin make my face red i turned really red and got super hot and my fingers

were tingly the guy who's technically not relaxing but he's like i took enough salt to get high i ate four bags of salt yeah i like stared in the mirror like my face got all puffy yeah i just got really dry and it felt like weed i mean at a certain point like why not like i might just buy a bunch of bees. And every now and then I stick my hand in a beehive and get stung by 40 bees. You literally would get, that would be like kind of drugs because you would get that insane dopamine and norepinephrine release. I mean, literally like fucking natives used to like go in sweat lodges and give themselves fucking heat stroke. And that's like how they got high.

Yeah, throughout history, we've always been trying to get fucked up. I mean, in Africa, they put fucking piss and shit in a jar and then sniff it and it gets them high. We will do whatever it takes to get fucked up. Yeah, it rocks.

I wonder if some guy could go on Rogan and convince him to start getting stung by bees. Yeah. Because he already does like ice baths and stuff. And he does saunas at like 140 degrees.

Yeah. Where a guy's just like, no, you take it, you go, if you ever see a beehive, you take it, you put it on top of your head and you get it stuck

like Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. Like in David Goggins and all those guys start like putting beehives on their head. Well, you would literally just have to be like, Joe, then the seals do it.

And they kill children, so. And you could get them to do it. Yeah, exactly. That could be the new thing. I mean, if you're going to freeze yourself to death every day. And guys who own car dealerships are dying across the country because they're allergic to bees. Yeah. Everybody's doing it.

Apparently, that's a treatment for lyme disease some people get stung by bees because it's apparently supposed to help with lyme disease i mean that's the big thing is going to be like the uh like the the ten commandments like boot camp yeah where like you swallow a bunch of locusts yeah it's going to be like these herculean challenges you have to like kill a sphinx you bring its hide back you have to get visited by the grim reaper you have to swim in a river of blood yeah you have to you have to uh stand under a river like a waterfall of frogs that are pelting you that would be great if you're stung by a bunch of bot flies you turn on rogan and there's a guy just telling like stories from like greek mythology like their real life he's like yeah just what i had to do was i

crossed the river styx i paid the the tally man a a quarter and i found my dead wife's soul and brought it back to it's a real world it is a i love him but it's amazing a guy like him doesn't believe in religion yeah because you think one guy would have went on that show he literally believes in everything but religion which is so straight yeah you think he would like he'd be like no like jesus is real and like he died and like rose on the third day he's like i know two things jesus is fake and if you take a really cold bath you won't get cancer and those are the two things i know are true so it actually takes a true genius to be religious yeah it takes a true genius to like get far enough up the iq scale that you become retarded again so wise that you realize being retarded actually rules well i think you

have to be smart enough to explore every avenue to realize that there is no avenue with yeah with a good ending so then you go i'm just i'm the i'm kind of i've kind of reached that point in my life i think i mentioned this on the pockets but i've kind of reached that point in my life i think i mentioned this on the pockets but i've realized like everything is a lie nothing's true so like just pick like a very nice lie and tell yourself that you know like why not so just like choose a good good lies i mean are you i mean are you really gonna be the bill maher guy no not like that like you're like, what, you believe in the black spaghetti monster, dude?

You really, dude? You really think there's anything after we die? Yeah. Well, Bill Maher actually believes in too much. That's why he's so gay. He thinks everything he thinks is right. He has more belief than Christians have. Yeah, he does.

He has more faith. People in the politics always think they're He has more belief than Christians have. Yeah, he does. He has more faith. Yeah. That is actually kind of a great... People in the politics always think they're right. Yeah. It's like a huge ego thing to be like, they don't vote how I do. Yeah.

Meanwhile, I'm a genius. I'm like Denzel Washington in... Training Day? Training Day. He's like, you see this year, this is 90% bullshit. Ben, who just watched Training Day. I just watched Training Day for the first time. You text us, you just started watching Training Day.

I'm like, this is the next two weeks. You're literally going to be walking around in a black trench coat and a do-rag, driving an old Caddy. Do you remember our old Training Day bit where it's like Training Day now, and it's like he's in Echo Park. He's like, Echo Park, baby, the streets. He's like, $9 matchas. That's right. Yeah, he's like, drink this.

This is CBD latte. Jake, I didn't know you liked to get chill like that. He goes, you like smash burgers, Jake? You like a $16 double cheeseburger, baby? Jake, we're going to go watch Ghostbusters at the Los Feliz 3. You like old movies at midnight, Jake? Jake, is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Is it a Christmas movie, motherfucker?

He pulls over and... He sees a 17-year-old getting raped outside a DSA meeting. Like, stops him. Beats up guys who are listening to Chapo Trap House. Jake, pull over in the Laugh Factory real quick. I'm going to kill Matt Rife. I'm going to kill his ass. He's shooting into the Matt Rife

billboard as they drive down. He's just canceling Jake on Twitter. He goes, you know, I'm surgical with this shit, Jake. Oh, yeah. He's at the diner and he's like, you see this X feed right here? This is 90% bullshit. He goes, but the blue check. I got a blue check.

I got a blue check, though, and I didn't pay for it. They refused to let me not have it. They let races back on Twitter, Jake. Alex Jones is back on Twitter, baby. Jake, you got a blue sky log in, Jake? We woke now, Jake. Y'all motherfuckers going to be doing blogs at the daily wire when i'm done with you it's so funny it's so funny to think of him like you're driving around eagle rock he's like

oh shit vick burger he's like splat got his ass yeah vick vick burgers in a wheelchair and he chases him down like snoot dog jake you know on Thursdays, Tim Heidecker coasts to you rustic in, baby. He knows where all the micro celebrities in comedy hang out. He goes, Jake, we're gonna go see Dino Stamatopoulos at the drawing room.

Oh, that's so funny. Hang out here long enough, you'll see Eric Andre. Yeah, that's very funny. Where are we going? Where are we going? Largo, motherfucker. Largo. Largo.

I'm going to kill Tig Notaro. I hate that. She betrayed Louie. That fucking bitch. I wish I could tweet for Tig that stupid dyke I'll tell that bitch what's up

you in the real world now Jake you in the real world now Jake there's guys on unicycles doing juggling shit it doesn't feel like we're doing black voice by the way because it's Denzel

he's not doing black voice he's doing Denzel Washington voice. It's just always Denzel. No black guy has ever been like, Jake, what are you talking about? Dude, anytime Jace has gone into the fences speech, but he makes it about being gay. It makes me like I almost pissed myself every time. What is the fences speech? Do you know the thing from, you know, fences?

I saw it once. I remember what I made. I used to make Ben piss himself because it's the scene from Fences where he's like, why don't you ever like me? And I would go to Ben. Where he's talking to his son. And his son goes, Dad, why don't you like me? Does he say, why don't you like me? And I'm doing the James Earl Jones version, the play that's on YouTube.

But I would go up to Ben and I go, Dad, why don't you ever fuck me? He goes, fuck you? What type of law says I gotta fuck you he goes don't you have cum in your ass yes sir don't you have cum in your belly yes sir well doesn't that prove that I wanna fuck you I mean look at him

he just yeah it was something along those lines I had it really tuned in for a while yeah Jace used to do like a four-minute monologue. It was fences, but about having sex with your son. Yeah, James Earl Jones' voice about fucking your son. Do you have cum in your ass? Yeah.

Do you have cum in your mouth? Do you have cum in your ass? Do you have balls in your mouth? Yes, sir. Well, that means I want to fuck you then. Don't you go worrying about if anybody wants to fuck you you worry about if you want to suck them i want to write a whole broadway play now it's an hour and a half long about a father and a son there's so much tension because the this yeah and the son is like but don't you love me he's like

love you so not fuck you i think it was along those lines yeah and the play is just called fences in parentheses but they're gay yeah and also abusive right and you still you you're like by august wilson the guy who wrote the original that's so it's so funny what guys brains where they're like like oh that that dad is fucking his kid like oh they're gay it's like no this is like a very bad it this transcends being gay this is an abusive he's not a vicious psychopathic pedophile he's just gay well i've done that bit on the pockets before where i'm like i'm like he was fucking his kid and they're like oh that sucks i'm like it was his son and we're like oh god

gay pedophile no homo with pedophilia because part of my brain goes well if the son's gay he's into it right even though it's his dad sure which makes zero sense at literally zero no i mean there's literally a hundred listeners who have been molested who are screaming in their car right now punching their dashboard so hard their knuckles start to cave in no one really gets fucked by their dad though oh yeah that's never happened in u.s history it's all fib no because you pretend it didn't happen yeah trauma you i mean trauma's great never nothing ever happened to you you'd be the guy where is you like somebody like finally they're drunk and they're like my dad when i was like seven he like fucked me and you're like why like why'd you let that happen

what were you wearing oh my god like i never fucked my dad sick fuck this is such a like a hackneyed thing but like is it true that like if you get get ass raped in prison, that it stimulates your prostate so you actually start getting a boner and some men actually cum while they're getting raped? Yeah, you can. Some women orgasm while they're getting raped and they feel actually a lot of guilt around that because they cum while they get raped. A guilt over condemning rape throughout their whole life. Because as they're getting raped they're going oh this is actually is very good they're like i squirted so is it bad was the first time i ever came so who's to say if it's bad or not we are the most insane people

we didn't mean anything we said. Nope. Yeah, we think good things are good and bad things are bad in real life. We actually do, but, you know. It's a comedy podcast. Comedy podcast. And that absolves us of everything we've ever said in our lives. Yep.

LemonParty.life for tickets to see us live in Texas. Lemonparty.life for tickets to see us live in Texas. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party for more bonus content and golf matches if you're into that. And the live streams are on there too. They're on the Clips channel every 4 p.m. on Wednesday, 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. But then we put them behind a paywall on Patreon. Also if you join the Patreon by the way you get to join the Discord which people have a lot of fun over there in the Lemon Party Discord. It's a private

Discord. It's not been shut down by the federal government yet surprisingly. Very proud of them by the way for just keeping that that whole nest. Oh, yeah. It must be chaotic.

I check in on it from time to time. They're having a grand old time in there. Yeah. I think they watch movies together. They share recipes for things that may be legal or not illegal. Yeah. They're having fun. They have a good time.

They have a good time. There's celebrities in there. Spanky from The Little Rascals is in there can uh wait really yeah yeah from the from the modern little rascals oh he's not like nine years old yeah so our goal is to get so big that every single little rascal even the guy that went to jail i think alfalfa went to jail, by the way. He's in prison. Really? He's in federal prison. He's the one who went to jail? I think so. My goal is to get all those guys to listen to him at the party.

Oh, Alfalfa's the one with the hair. I was thinking of Buckwheat. Sorry. Buckwheat's in prison, too. He's just wrongfully charged with something. Yeah. Buckwheat grew up to be one of Jesse Smollett's guys guys they were like buying subway sandwiches or whatever that nonsense was yeah someone my friend balal uh who's very funny

uh on twitter he made the point that something bad might have happened during the shooting of uh mighty ducks because all those kids grew up really fucked up apparently. And he went through one by one every single one of those kids never really had a career and went insane. I think Corey Feldman's in that movie. So he has this

theory that he's wondering if... Emilio Estevez fucked them all. Yeah, like if someone molested every single kid on that set. Like that set was just... It was like, hey, we had pizza on Fridays for Hollywood where they all went down to the Mighty Ducks set. Like that was the heyday. It was probably like 94 and they all went down and just took a limo down to the set, fucked all the kids.

Ran them up. Sure. More like the Mighty Fucks. Hey. Am I right, folks? Devin. Hi-oh. Anyway. Yeah. Was Dan Schneider a part of. Am I right, folks? Devin. Ayo.

Anyway. Yeah. Was Dan Schneider a part of that? I mean. I don't know. I'm going to have to look into it. Because I'm going to have to look at that cast again. Because I think they all, like, went to, like, a lot of them went to jail and got fucked up and had weird careers and shit.

Yeah. Child stars. Yeah. Anyway. Devin at Haywatch Pod, where they have a butler on the show now. There was a butler last week. We're just we're trying to make use of these of these fans. You know, we're going to man dingo fight Reddit fans.

Jace at Sad Jogs by Jace. And we'll see you guys next week. And I'll probably have a baby and Merry Christmas because I don't know when the Christmas episode comes out. So happy holidays, everyone. Happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah. Because if you celebrate Hanukkah, that's cool, too. Yep.

Merry Christmas. Kwanzaa. Is it Kwanzaa right now? Happy Chinese New Year. Yes. What's the one they celebrate in, like, if you're, like, Arab? What's that? Do they have one?

Do they have, um, do they have a thing? Does anyone know? I don't know. It's nine 11. Is there Christmas? Yeah. Happy nine 11. Happy nine 11.

Happy nine 11, everybody. To our Muslim brothers. Allahu Akbar retards. Allahu Akbar retards. All right. Oh, and by the way,

on the Patreon, I'm about to show you guys something. I'm teasing the Patreon. We're going to watch the SNL cold opening. I can't make it more than five seconds. What the fuck is that? And we can't watch it on YouTube, so we're going to watch it on the Patreon. Hell yeah. You end the show like a Bruce Springsteen concert.

All right, patreon.com slash limit party. I'm going to show Mary SNL. All right, patreon.com slash limit party. I'm going to show Marius an L. What the fuck is this piece of shit? Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina Music would play and Paulina would whirl

Blacker than night were the eyes of Paulita Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican mate I was in love but in vain I could tell