lemonparty - 066: Zaddy Day Care

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

NEXT WEEK: dallas/ft worth, houston, austin TIX: https://www.lemonparty.life/livedates more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/lemon50 and use code lemon50 Spice up your sex life & get 20% off and free shipping https://www.usejoymode.com/LEMON or use code LEMON at checkout. ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you have pulpit chair, Ben? Kind of like just sitting on the ground. Okay. You're going to like that for an hour? Well, I'm going to oscillate between that and just doing this. You're going to just start shitting like you're using a squatty potty? Mm-hmm. Well, I've been taking Korean Orange Theory classes, and they just have you squat like this for 30 minutes.

They hit us with cigarettes at the door. The guy just hits you with canes until you're... Wait, what? What did you just say? You're taking Korean Orange classes? Oh, do you know what Orange Theory is? No. Orange Theory is a very popular gym now where you go and it's like, what is it? Maybe 180 a month? 300 a month?

White whores do it and they get on a bike and a gay black man screams at them until they, you know. Okay. So it's not even an Asian guy that runs the class? No, so Ben's saying he's doing the Asian version. Oh, the Asian one. Where they just make you do Korean exercises. Right, which I was about to call, until you rudely interrupted,

I was about to call it Orge Chicken Theory. That joke's been ruined. Yes. If one of us bombs hard enough, we have to do a cannonball in the pool. Yeah, cannonball in the pool. Yeah, just hold me under and just kill me. Since I met us do an outside episode. I'm sick, by the way.

Well, I'm not sick. My dumb girlfriend got sick going to Texas. She has bronchitis. I kept thinking we were doing it outside because of your parents being in town. But then I'm now realizing it's because you're sick. I thought somehow the slurs had to be outdoors. It's like how dogs are getting punished. And it's like, just put them outside for eight hours.

That's what I thought was happening. We have to record in the laundry room with a blanket. I literally waited in my car and I watched Katie leave with your parents like a psychopath. And the baby. And the baby. It felt like in The Sopranos when Tony has Carmella take his mom out so he could hide all his guns in the nursing home. I thought we were waiting for them to leave before we recorded.

And I was calling Ben. I was waiting in my car too. We were like two fucking idiot FBI guys. It was like a stakeout. Like a stakeout. Yeah, that's exactly. I thought I was about to rob I was waiting in my car, too. We were like two fucking idiot FBI guys. It was like a stakeout. Like a stakeout. Yeah, that's exactly. I thought I was about to rob Ben to do a recording. And then I was like, finally, I'm like, oh, they're gone.

He's just setting up. And then I walk up. I see my mom in the window waving at me. And I'm like, fuck. Like, I just got made. Like, I'm in Serpico and about to get shot in the back of the head. When they drove by, I literally did. I slouched under my seat like I'm in a movie.

I didn't want her to stop and then be like, hey, what are you, you about to go say slurs? Hey, y'all gonna say slurs by the pool? Now, we like all the slur talk. We don't like it when you say stuff about Israel. We like the racism. Can you just keep it without the curse words? Listen, say

slurs all you want. That actually is true, unfortunately. Yeah, it actually is. Yeah, I'm waiting for Dad to come to you and be like, listen, just keep the F words down and just move the C words for Chinese people up. I'm not saying, you know, it's like a scale, like the justice system. You know what's weird is I don't cuss around

Mom and Dad when they're here. But when I'm around just dad yeah i say any slur i want and he starts clapping like a little baby oh yeah yeah he started he starts doing like the baby dude he he did he did because i just got back from texas and i saw him and we were at, I think I told you guys, we were at this really hipster salad place seeing my youngest brother. There's a younger Avery. Right. You met him. I met him once.

Yeah, he's awesome. Buck Avery. Yeah. Our truck driving brother from Texas. He goes, I'm Buck. No, we were at this hipster salad place, and somebody brought up, like as a joke, somebody brought up Jimmy Kimmel doing blackface, and then Dad goes, that's the problem with everybody being woke now.

You can't get away with it. Everybody's offended. And I was like, what are you talking about, about blackface? He's like, yeah, you know, there used to be a guy, everybody's offended, but I swear to God he said this. He goes, there used to be a guy who put on blackface and he sang and made a bunch of jokes

and everybody laughed and it was fine. And I said, Al Jolson? And he goes, yeah, that's his name. Like,

he literally thinks like Robert E. Lee got canceled. I asked dad if he wanted to hold his granddaughter for the first time. Sure.

You know what he said? What? He literally looked at me and he goes, no. Has he held your kid yet? We made him hold the baby for like 30 seconds. And he was like, all right, I think I'm good. Like it was burning him?

You know what he told me? What? He goes, well, when y'all were little, I never held y'all. And I thought he was doing a bit. And he goes, no. He goes, mom held all y'all and i thought he was doing a bit and he goes no he goes i he goes mom uh held all y'all and uh he goes i never i never wanted to do any of that so i just never i never held you guys once yeah he's like i was trying to give you the the famous avery flathead and

your mom was worried about interesting famous avery flathead from never being given love growing up dude he said so he go five years without touching us like did it was were we born and it was six years old i think i think i have a memory of me walking towards my dad when i'm three and then him going like whoa whoa whoa like just passing me in the hallway like when a baby comes near you in public and you're worried about looking like a pedophile so he's like whoa okay all right it's so funny picturing him saying that to you in public and you're worried about looking like a pedophile. So you're just like, whoa, okay. All right. It's so funny picturing him saying that to you and then smash cut to you sitting Indian style in your backyard podcasting.

Dude, there was- Waiting for them to leave so you could go outside and say it. I know. Just so we could be our actual selves for two hours. So we could do our jobs. Because I tooklly back home and there were so many moments i swear to god staying with my parents where my dad would just be like yeah you know some of the kids were rambunctious but you know not jace because he had um you know

he had real bad anxiety so if you just screamed at him a little bit he'd behave he's literally like the dad that's like oh you just shake him when he gets angry he just you know he just he really um feels the pressure of your approval. So if you just withhold that, he'll really do well. He's an anxious baby. Just shake him. I got, I shook him to sleep because he wasn't, he had that colic. I had to shake the colic out of him.

We don't have the money for one of them damn fancy rockers. We got to shake them. Yeah, of course, dude. There was also a story. Dude, there's so many he was also like yeah we put jason uh daycare for a couple years and we had to take him out because one day he came home covered in bots so we couldn't use that daycare anymore were you being eaten alive i think he dropped me like a trailer park with like cousin eddie's family and they

tried to like eat me or something dude i actually know the real story and I didn't want to tell you. Wait, what is this? Now you know the tip of the iceberg. What is this? Wait, what? When I was back in Texas like four months ago, I had like a moment with mom and dad on Katie's farm where they came out there begrudgingly, of course. Sure. I mean, dad told us that he didn't want to be here, by the

way. He just, he flew all the way out here and he told us that he hates being here. Didn't he say he listened to the show and it made him depressed? Yeah, he didn't tell me that, he told my mom My mom told me that You guys' lives are so fucked up I know, dude The relatives are in town

And my main source of income depresses them. That we've dreamed of doing for years. The reason we moved here is to do this. A decade of failure. A decade of failure and struggle to finally get rewarded. And because a couple

goat fuckers lied about Jesus 2,000 years ago, all of a sudden I can't talk to my parents about it. Dude, Ben texted us that right before I left, and I popped another beta blocker before I got out of the car. I popped two beta blockers,

and I was just listening to the steel drum cover of P.I.M.P. from Banana Bibble Fall. I was listening to that for an hour, and I was like, I'm grooving, dude. Looking for a balcony. It's so funny. It's like before Tiger plays 18 now, the kind of regimen he's on.

He has to go to the gym. He has to take horse tranquilizers. He has to take Vicodin. You're on the same regimen just to go see mom and dad. Just to be within 40 feet of them. Dude, it literally is like my body... You have like an epidural right now.

Dude, I told Kelly, I was like, it's like my body is like a Geiger counter for my family. Your doctor's going to prescribe you fentanyl soon. Dude, it's like I'm approaching the elephant's foot at Chernobyl. I step out of the car and I just hear clicking noises. And I'm like, why does it feel like all my cells are dying? Dude, that's so depressing to be around. He's like a huge bummer. He flew out here to say he didn't want to fly out here.

He told my mom, he goes, I'm never coming out here again. So he's just not going to be in his granddaughter's life at all. He doesn't care at all. Your baby was born one month ago. Yeah, he doesn't care at all. You know what he does all day here? What? You know where Emma lays on that big stone like a lizard over there?

I swear to God, my dad strips down to his shorts, and then he lays down, and he'll go to sleep for three hours in the sun on a rock with no pillow. Yeah, we've told you my dad's favorite activity is getting burned. Yeah.

Is that a walk outside with aluminum foil, like Pauly Walnuts, and just let the sun just try to kill him. That's classic, just fucked up dad stuff. My dad used to sleep in a denim jacket on the floor in the living room. I would come home just to be miserable on purpose. Yeah. They love it, man.

I used to open the door and it would hit his head. I. I used to open the door and it would hit his head. I'd come home and open the door and it would hit his head. He would be sleeping on the carpet on the ground in front of the front door. Is your dad's head, he's like in a Springsteen album or something? Yeah. He would have full Doc Martens on, tied, just bundled up on the floor in jeans. It's amazing he wasn't even a drunk, and yet he kind of lived like one. He was constantly getting bilked for money.

He was sleeping on the floor. He would go and make a weird creation meal with whatever he found in the fridge. He made a famous bowl at home. Like a vegan hot dog, and there was a peach, and then some black beans, and he'd put it all in a lettuce wrap and he'd eat that and then he would pass out on the floor.

Was it even like a cool... He was like a loser. I was just like, just be a loser that watches football with me and gets fucked up. Instead you're drinking smoothies and passing out on the ground. Creating your own punk flop house for some reason. It might be for the best that your dad doesn't want to be

in your kid's life. So here's the interesting thing I kind of figured out about him. What? Is he constantly says he's like, he goes, I'm easy. He goes, whatever's good with me. And you go, okay, well I'm just going to order Mediterranean food and he'll be like, oh, I won't eat that.

I'm not going to eat that. This is what I realized. For the past 35 years, mom has babied him and given him exactly what he wants. And so he thinks, because he's gotten everything he wants every second of the day, he thinks his needs are easy to meet. Making this guy a cup of coffee, it takes me 20 minutes until I get it exactly how he wants. But when you ask him if he'd like a cup of coffee, he says yes. And you go,

what kind of coffee would you like? And he goes, oh, I'm easy. Just anything. And then you hand him something and he hates it. And then you have to redo it. He calls you a fag and hits it out of your hand. By the way, why does he pour half of a jar of honey in every cup of coffee? What is with that? I think that is an Avery

genetics thing because you are part hummingbird so that makes sense. You brought out like six sodas just so you could record. Our brains are like diesel engines for depression, so they need diesel fuel to run, which is just honey for him. Oh, so I know the real story about how, and I think this is why you really fucked up. Yeah, what happened to me? Tell me another one. I actually didn't want to tell you this because I thought it might alter you for like eight months. It's okay. I have

two babies. Was I molested? Is this what the story is? Dude, I don't know. Mom and dad told me they said that mom went back to work immediately once they had you. Yeah. And you're the oldest child for context for everybody. He was the first. I guess

mom had like maybe postpartum depression or something. She tried to kill me. She walked into the ocean with me strapped to her chest. In a microwave. She was sleeping in the oven for a few months just hoping. Yeah, I was killed like

Dear Zachary just walking into Nova Scotia's ocean. Big rocks and waves pounding me. Dude, they told me that within two weeks, mom went back to work, which is insane, but that's just who she is. I love mom to death. We've been having a great time together. She's been a massive help here. Yeah.

They dropped you off at a fake daycare. That was their friend's apartment, who was this lady who i and i'm quoting dad here was really mean okay there were other kids there and the kids were these like psychotic children that were her daycare students and they would beat the shit out of you they told me they would twist your arms and scratch you and bite you and i was i was two weeks old you say uh this was within the first couple months of you being born very good very good and then she her method famously not important to how your personality forms whatsoever dad would try to go visit you on his lunch break yeah she wouldn't let dad see you. And she had a separate room that she would put you in.

And dad said, and I quote, every time I went, he was crying and screaming behind the closed door. And when I would, I would want to go in and say hi to him and comfort him. And she said, no, you're not. You don't go in there. Let him cry it out. Jesus Christ. That was the story. God.

And after they told me that, I was looking around the room like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Why did you tell me that? And they told it to me like it wasn't a big deal. I have no memory of that, so now I know I might have been fucked as a baby. So that's fine. Well, what was behind that closed door? I don't know.

The fucking spaghetti monster? Do you think we messed up Jace when we dropped him off at Stephen Avery's junkyard for the first two weeks of his life? Remember how Jace was raised by that pedophile junkyard dog? Remember when he was involved in a murder two weeks into his life? He was an accessory. Remember when that weird guy in the junkyard asked him for help to move a body when he was an infant? And Chase just wanted to watch WrestleMania, and the detectives manipulated him into confessing due to WrestleMania. You admit to a crime two weeks in.

Two weeks into what? Because I'm just like, WrestleMania, I did it. That is really fucked up. I promised myself I would never tell you that, but then they went and just told you. Unless it's being broadcasted to everybody we know. No, but then they actually just went and told you, so I just told you the actual story. You have the right to know that they've...

Okay, well, that's actually really fucked up and really actually makes me feel better about having panic attacks every waking second of my life. Yeah. Yeah, that's been the crazy thing. It's like I've been on beta blockers for like two weeks, and I was like, I feel really good, and then I was like, oh, I's been the crazy thing. It's like I've been on beta blockers for like two weeks. And I was like, I feel really good. And I was like, oh, I've been my body's been pumping adrenaline for 33 years.

I didn't realize that. That explains a lot. I was a month old and getting the shit beat out of me. And God damn it. Fuck. Yeah. I have like a fucking like black hood childhood. Dude, I had like a fucking like black hood childhood.

Jesus Christ. I had like fucking big lurch putting hangers out on me when he was smoking crack as a baby. I mean, this is like, dude, my entire life I've just been crying all the time. I've been having panic attacks. Yeah, the first two months of your life you didn't receive any of the nurturing or care that an infant needs. Jesus Christ. God damn it. That's why when you sit on the couch you feel like you're about to go skydiving every waking minute.

That's why when I have to reschedule because my girlfriend's sick, I'm convinced everybody hates me and is never going to talk to me ever again. But it's just because I was molested. You might have been the only kid that was fucked, actually. I might have been molested by children. Well, at least he has no memory of it.

Well, at least he blocked it out. At least it manifested into other ways that slowly ruined him. Well, at least he has no memories before the age of 12, which is true. God, dude, they're real. Fuck, dude. Yeah. That's really insane, man. I'm glad I have these glasses on because I am just crying behind these.

I look like the Michael Jordan behind these. Yeah, this is already maybe the most intense episode we've ever done. But it's a beautiful day out there. It's a beautiful day. What is it, 73 degrees? Dave, that's nice. It feels like you never got molested. I was holding the baby in the kitchen, and Dad looked at me.

He goes, man, when y'all were little, he goes, all I was thinking was, man, I can't wait for them to grow up and get out of here. And he goes, and then one day you were all gone, and I was like, no, come back. Where'd they all go? Jesus Christ. And it, like, wasn't a sad moment for him. And I'm rocking my baby like, uh-huh, uh-huh. You want me to make you another latte? I got a new espresso machine.

You want me to make, have you had a Cortada? A Cortada. Now, a Cortada is very expensive at the coffee shop, but I figured out how to make it at home. Dude, he has no fun. He hasn't smiled this entire, actually he does can I tell you? Actually, he does. He gets really giddy when I say a very hard slur. Yeah. Really?

Yes, in the living room. That's how I entertain him, is I just say the most racist thing imaginable. But it has to be directed at a group of people, right? It can't be in general. You can't just say fuck. No, no, no. He's like, listen. No, no, no.

No, I can't say that around him. Right. But I can say any slur I want. You can say hard, yeah. It's not fuck. It's not fuck. It's. Yeah, dude. It's.

We got to. He brought up Israel and he's anti-Israel. So we got to like shit on Biden about Israel. But he's only anti-Israel because he hates Jews. Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah. He goes, listen, I'm all for killing Muslims. I do have a.

I'm a lefty. I'm a lefty. I'm a lefty. I do want to kill Muslims, but I hate Jews getting money. Call me a comic cuck, but I want to nuke Israel. I'm a cuck like that. Listen, I'm pro-genocide anti-Jew. That's been my stance for, I'm a southern dog Democrat. That's what I am.

No, but we got to Shambi, and it was like giving a dog with cancer peanut butter before you put it down. You just say, ugh. Just tonguing at it, not knowing there's cyanide inside of it. Cyanide and ricin. You know what my mom said, by the way? I love my mom, but her mind always goes to the darkest places. lives in darkness sure yeah being around my father they live in the hellraiser dimension they uh mom was holding the baby for the first time and she goes you know i was watching a and like this was in a minute of holding her granddaughter for the first time she goes you know there was an episode of svu i just watched where people were taking pictures of

their baby and posting them on the Internet. And pedophiles were taking the pictures and then taking their faces and making them into sex dolls. And then they would do sex crimes with the dolls and then kidnap the kids and have the kids with the sex dolls. I'm like, right, right. How does it feel to be a grandmother for the first time? Looking at your baby, she goes, you're not going to be a little sex doll, are you? Who's not going to be a little sex doll on the internet?

3D printed sex doll online. Not you. My sweet baby girl. Yeah, dude, it's really... Within 60 seconds, I'm not making that up. Yeah, he, you know, I walked in and we visited him for, like, four days. And, you know, you walk in, you're like, hey, this is, you know, the love of my life.

I'm so glad I met her. And he's like, hey, how's it going? He goes, this woman saved me from the darkest pits of hell. And he's like, all right, cool, whatever. And then he was, like, just bummed out. And then we went to my aunt's place, and she brought up Yellowstone, and he lit up like I haven't seen him light up in 20 years just talking.

He told us a whole episode of Yellowstone start to finish. Yeah, that's what they do. That's what starts to happen. He was literally like, so the redheaded girl, and she's a real mean lady, but she's a tomboy. That's how she was raised, and I was just like

staring at him i'm like this is i'd show you pictures of your of ben's baby and you don't act like this yeah but he's just going he's like and that's when he's like she she told her boyfriend uh her brother to hit her and he's like i don't hit a woman and she go to him and she called him soft so he hit her and then kevin costner the dad comes he's playing all this like a like a seven-year-old who just got a guinness world records book and it's telling people facts from it and he goes and then kevin costner came to me he goes if you he goes i know why you did it but if you ever hear a woman i'm gonna put you in the ground because he's a he's a man about business i just like that's the only thing he gets into is like this imagined he's like

they got a real cute baby in that show. Man, I wish I had that baby in my life. It'd be so much better. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked. Out loud to no one, he goes, he goes, I only had two and a half slices of pizza. And then no one said anything. He goes, is that good?

Is that good that I only had two and a half? And I looked at him and I go, what do you need? Like a blue ribbon or something? That you only had two and a half? And I looked at him and I go, what do you need? Like a blue ribbon or something? That you only had two and a half slices? We all have to be proud of you or something? He goes, okay, okay, okay. And I started ripping into him. I'm like, why do you?

I go, why can't you just be proud of yourself? That you restricted yourself to two and a half slices? Why do you got to announce to everybody? Why do you need everybody to be proud of you? It just builds up, you sad sack piece of shit. You ruined our fucking lives. Because it turns into like a what about Bob. It turns into a what about Bob thing because out of nowhere, you have like a weird freak out of you, Seaman said.

That happened like, dude, that happened like three years ago. I had long COVID and I was back and he begged me to go to the driving range. And I was like, I was like, fine. I was finally there. And he was like, yeah, I just pray you get in better shape. Because I just really, you know, I'm upset about your body. He's overweight, by the way. He doesn't think he is, though.

No, he doesn't think he is. You can't make fun of him for that. He's very sensitive about it. He's taking all his body dysmorphia and placing it into every single person who ever loved him in his life. Like Captain Planet. He's displaced it amongst children. Did he say this pizza thing out of nowhere, by the way, real quick?

You guys had just eaten pizza or was it like a long time ago? No, no, no. We had probably done eating 30 minutes. We were watching the Kansas City game. I thought it was like a weird form of dementia. He's out of nowhere. He's just like, I only had two slices of pizza. No one's eaten pizza. He's like, he's out of nowhere.

Throughout the day, he's just like, I couldn't have helped the kids. They were in the other room. And you're like, what? Snap out of it. He's like, man, that Patrick Mahomes, I like him. His daddy, though, I'm not a fan. His daddy is too black for me.

Apparently, that's why they stopped sleeping in the same bedroom, is because dad didn't want to take care of us, and mom had to keep getting up to feed us, change our diaper. My heart hurts the more you tell me. And then he was like, well, I'm just going to sleep on the couch the rest of my life. By the way, he's been sleeping on the couch. He refuses to sleep in the nice guest bed we have for him. He's sleeping on that.

Lights completely on, TV blaring. Yeah. By the way, you know, he just started watching. What? He actually started watching The Sopranos because three episodes are free on the plane. He explained to me that there's TVs on planes. And he goes, now that's hot. I love you, Dad. And he goes, I love your dad.

I love your dad. He's watching The Sopranos in the living room all day and ignoring us. That's actually the best thing he's ever done. As I walk by, he's like, too many bad words. He goes, this show is evil. What they do in this show, they're evil.

But watch, he's like in season 6B and he's like, man, Tony's done nothing wrong in his life. And he's actually not season six, B, and he's like, man, Tony's done nothing wrong in his life. And he's actually not depressed. He's just cool. They're evil people, but they did kill that queer. And that needed to happen. At least they framed those black people for murder.

I did appreciate when they shoved a pool cue up that fat fag's ass. Oh. When we get to that scene, he's going to rise from the chair. Yeah. Like in the heat of a football game like in the last second philly leotardo did what he had to do you know he's got some flaws but sometimes you gotta take take care of the evil ones i mean you had a you had a fucking fugazi you know fugat you know veto was a flambe yeah now i love veto i love fia leotardo because he stood on business when it came to his

queer cousin-in-law i just hated watching that italian man have sex with that morgan spurlock in new hampshire i think that was disgusting he says he's gonna one season, though, because it's too evil of a show. Yeah. And it's sinful. So he's just going to give himself one season. He goes, this show's too damn violent. I'm going to read the Bible. Bible.

He goes, at first, Galatians chapter one, and then they took the children and put them in daycare where they were molested to death by the Philistines. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. He's watching The Sopranos, and I swear to God, my mom's on the couch. She's been reading Blood Meridian. Wow.

So they are just, I don't even know what's going on. I'm hearing about all, just the whole morning so far has been like an acid trip. Yeah. It's been really tough. It really is like the Addams Family type of thing. We're like, bad is good, good is bad. This is so weird. I drove around with my mom. We went to get pizza, and as soon as we got in the car, I're like, bad is good, good is bad. This is so weird. I drove around with my mom.

We went to get pizza, and as soon as we got in the car, I was like, he sucks. I was like, he has no fun. No fun. Yeah. I was like, swerving in and out of lanes. It was like, I was like, walking Phoenix at

You Were Never Really Here. Like, when he's like, fading off of Vicodin and stuff. You're holding the steering wheel, but also a hammer. You don't know why. You just keep carrying a hammer around the house with you. Yeah, fantasizing about blowing your brains out at a diner. What does your mom say when you say that? She's like, I know, I know, I know, but you know how your father is.

You know, he sucks. I know, I know. He looked dashing that one night 60 years ago. Well, what you got to understand is he could dunk. And that's it. That's how they met, is he dunked on my mom at a charity basketball game. They were at a charity basketball game. My dad was playing, like, the reporters from Lubbock, Texas,

and he was just going, wham! I'm, like, doing, like, Dominique Wilkins dunks on, Texas, and he was just going, wham! Doing Dominique Wilkins dunks on my fucking 5'7 mom. Your dad's like John Stockton. He really is, yeah. He's more like Cara Malone, really. I've been trying so hard to make him have a good time. One night I couldn't sleep. I had not like, not like a panic attack, but like,

man, I just kept circling the drain thinking about how miserable he was. And like, there's nothing I could do. And I realized that he doesn't, when I offer him a solution, he always pushes it away. And I realized that he doesn't want to be helped. He wants to feel bad about himself. And that's the end goal actually. Yeah. Yeah. Solving it is actually mean, you know? Oh, when you present solutions he's offended yeah yeah no it's it's always yeah it's fun i always when i visit him i start crying a lot out of nowhere dads dads dads dads i just try to hold my uh i just try to hold my daughter and just look at her and i'm just like be thankful and start tearing just be thankful they're they're

1500 miles away. Yeah. No, that's the thing. It's like... Pretty much. Yeah, you got to. Yeah. At this point, it's like, you know, you just like, you like tough out the visit.

It's like a rope-a-dope type of thing. He says, you know, I hear a horrible story about how I was molested from Ben. I go, okay, all right, all right. Take like that, like a champ, and then just like wait it out. If your dad wanted to be in the kid's life, you guys would have to like go to court and get a restraining order get emancipated at 31 years old

make it illegal for him to even come to california get a restraining order no i mean they never stop they never stop sucking ass no two weeks ago my dad stormed out on me uh at the end of a good night oh yeah he told you what he did we had a good time we saw a movie we went to a bar and drank a little bit and then like kind of mildly talked politics a little bit and i just said like well you have to understand like people looking at at it are like well under trump we did have like no wars and gas was cheaper. I think people's lives felt like they were a little better. But they just can't say that.

And it just kind of got into that realm and then he just flipped the fuck out. Started acting like... It was like when Trump won and that lady screamed, No! He just flipped out. He was a little drunk. Stormed out on me, cursing me out in the middle of the bar. Everyone's like, what is going on?

Was he like, Trump bombed Yemen. You mega piece of shit. No, he's just like, are you kidding? You believe this? And then he goes, does Ida believe this? And I go, are you kidding me right now? I'm not kidding, dude. I'm not kidding.

This is in front of everybody at the bar. In front of everybody at the bar. We're in Silver Lake. Even people in Silver Lake are like, what an old fag. Listen, I'm pretending to be trans for pussy, and you're being really gay right now. And he gets up out of his chair. Like, fuck you. Fuck you.

Walks out. I'm just like, good God, are you kidding? It was almost too casual. I was like, yep, that's usual. I'm guessing you paid the tab, are you kidding? It was almost too casual. I was like, that's usual. I'm guessing you paid the tab, too. I paid the fucking tab. Maybe that's how he just got free. Pretty much.

Because I got him again. I ordered another drink. He walked out of the bar like Kaiser So Say at the end of The Usual Suspects. His face is untwisting, and he's remaining calm. He's like, God damn it, you've done it again. Devin's running out. He's like, where's the gay guy?

Find the gay guy. So then I walk out of the bar, and I look for him. I had only waited like five minutes. He's gone. I asked the bouncer what happened. And she goes like, I don't know. I saw him get in a car and leave. I'm like, there's no way.

I drove him. So then I'm driving around the neighborhood for like 20 minutes looking for him like a stray dog. And then he won't pick up his phone. think he blocked me you you see him i think he blocked me you're chasing him on the street and he every time you stop he stops and looks back at you and then you go to him he runs away wait did he really block you it it i called uh i texted him and it was blue and then i um texted one more after that and it went green. So I was like, I guess he turned his phone off. Yeah, you hope it's a turn your phone off. And then he walked four miles home at 2 a.m.

Yeah, because of... Because of Trump. Because of Orange Man Bad. It's a very hilly area as well. Yeah. Not good on his old knees. Then he just texted me the next day an apology. And I was just like, it's fine, whatever.

And then we hung out yesterday, no mention of it. Sure. He just got to move on. Those dad apologies where he's like, I got a little, too many cold ones, bud.

Yeah. Too many bruises. That's why I stormed out on my only child. There's something, there's something about dads like worldwide that like if you start doing too well

There's kind of like a secret Like I hope it all falls apart Like they're like Even if they're like a good dad They'll be like I'm so happy for you Dreams are Yeah

Dreams are coming true Mine didn't but yours are It's just like in a moment So they can just like Sweep everything off the table There's a subtle feeling of rage about it. I'm like, you think you're better than me? Yeah, it's that.

It's because that worked for you. I love him to death. I really do. But I can't just hang out all day with Tommy Lee Jones at the end of No Country for Old Men, sitting at the breakfast table, talking about a dream about his dead dad. I don't even think he's Tommy Lee Jones. He's the guy that drinks out of the same pot of coffee for a month with all the cats.

He's one of Uncle Ellis' cats. He actually said yesterday, he goes, I'm like that guy in A Country for Old Men. I just make a pot and I just microwave it throughout the week. I'm very proud of you. Good boy. He goes, I'm kind of like that guy in no country.

I'm a warning towards people for how your life can slip you by. I'm a Shakespearean. I'm kind of like a big metaphor for untreated illness inside the brain. And kind of how a man, it's a metaphor for how a man becomes an island in his own life. I'm a cautionary character. I'm a cautionary tale, but it's too gay to even watch. It's like watching the zone of interest. You're like, it's sad, but like, God, this sucks.

Oh, it's so depressing every time you guys talk about him. Yeah, I know. Dude, it depresses me. I seriously had to tell Kelly. I was like, okay, by the way, I might start acting insane for no reason. Yeah. And I kind of do. You kind of just like revert a little bit.

Dude, that's why you have the baby, though, because he does something shitty to you, and you just go hold the baby. Yeah. And you just transfer all that go hold the baby. Yeah. And you just transfer all that into her. Yeah, yeah. So what I do is I go to my girlfriend, and I just slap her across the face. And I go, you bitch! You bitch!

No, it's very, yeah, it sucks, but what are you going to do? Yeah, I love him, though. I love him to death. You got it. I do. I do actually love him so much. No, of course you do. I do, too him so much. No, of course you do. I do, too. It's just like that's what makes it tough, you know?

Also, it's like, God, I wish he was just like the type of dad that just like beat up. Well, I guess he did actually hit us a lot. Yeah, no, he actually did do a lot of. We did experience ritualistic child abuse. I forgot he did punch me in the face on the golf course that one time. Yeah, he punched you in the face. Mom hit me in the head with a sunflower ring Ring shaped like a sunflower

I probably got whipped Probably 300 times Because he didn't have a slave He wanted to live it out somehow Yeah He whips us by strapping us to a big Barrel We got flogged

He wanted to name you Kunta I'm staring at Ben And just like one tear is rolling down my eye barrel. We got flogged. He wanted to name you Kunta. I'm staring at Ben and just like one tear's rolling down my eye. As I just take it. I don't know. I don't know spanking. I'm not going to spank my daughter like with a big heavy three inch paddle

as hard as a cane so you can get that whip through the air i don't think i ever bled from it but i would have big purple welts across my ass and it would hurt to sit down for a few days well yeah i mean it's not even like about the pain it's like the fucking like psychological you know it's insane what it does to you later you're seven you have no concept of anything i don't know if it's bad is it bad though? I'm not going to do it but is it that bad? Is it as bad as punching your kid in the face maybe?

Spanking? No, but it shouldn't be done. A belt and a paddle is way different from like a... I'm going to hit your bottom like that. How about this? You shouldn't reprimand children with violence. It's really as simple as that. I don't really know if there's levels to's levels if you're four times the size of something and it's you know views you

as god maybe you shouldn't um hit it strike it striking children i would say is off the table well everyone's just gonna call us gay now so i don't i don't even know those people are are fucking drinking themselves to death because their dad beat the shit out of them exactly and they get they're too retarded to even be like, that's bad. They have to go, I was bad. I deserved it. I deserved my dad to punch me in the teeth.

And then they're going to ask a dominatrix to bludgeon them so they can cum. Yeah, it's the same thing as people who are like, that therapy, that's for a bunch of queers. And then they drunk drive their truck into a preschool. The thing is, I don't feel sorry for myself at all. And I actually have nothing but love for the guy.

He's actually just taxing to be around. Where I'm like, what the fuck? That's the thing. I'm so drained being around him. I know exactly the feeling. It's like an oppressive vibe when you're around those. There's like clouds in the house. You're not like you have to make up for anything.

You're like, okay, we're square. It's in the past, whatever. I'm an adult. Like, just be cool when I'm around you. the past. Whatever. I'm an adult. Like, just be cool, like, when I'm around you. Tough hang. The toughest hang. Tough hang. Yeah.

It's like getting stuck in an elevator with a stranger, kind of. Yeah. That's what it feels like. Yeah. For, like, days. So he's, like, never once had fun, huh? No, man. Never once.

I mean, that's why we started. I went so crazy because I didn't know how to have fun or talk to people or have friends. So I had to go a little crazy and then sort of rein it in because I didn't. I mean, that was the great thing about it. Without alcohol, man, I would have never learned how to have a good time. Alcohol taught me how to have fun. Yeah. And how to, you know, that social lubricant to talk to people and hang out with them and have the guts to talk to girls.

And I mean, I sucked at it, but at least I had the courage. It can help like break a barrier. Dude, without it, I would have, that was the bridge for me. The bridge from that world to this world was just, it was lined with bottles of booze. I wouldn't have got here without it. I'm thankful for it. And I might go back to it very soon.

I appreciate it. I keep eyeing that whiskey that Devin leaves over. He leaves it on the kitchen counter and it looks very pretty the way the light strikes it. I love the way the light comes through the glass. I left it here on purpose. Devin was looking for the best lighting source throughout the kitchen.

I got an espresso machine and I'm getting so into it, it's actually really worrying me. I'm like around the clock making coffee now. Like a barista. You get hyper obsessed with everything. But it also feels kind of like getting fucked up to me. Right. Because I'm making all these different kind of like, it feels like cocktails almost.

I'm like, ooh, what's a Cortado? Yeah. Ooh, what's a short cappuccino? Ooh, what's a latte? It's got to get to the point where you're just pouring whiskey into these drinks. By day three, I made something called a Coke Aracano, which I make like a nitro cold brew at home, and then I pour a whole Coca-Cola in it. So it's like it's already getting close to just soda now.

Yeah. Which is dangerous. You're turning into a Dunkin' Donuts. I was just thinking, if you got a soda stream, the wicked deeds you would do with a soda stream, the wicked things you would make. Dude, you'd be like a fat alchemist in there. A 12-year-old alchemist making wicked potions.

Dude, I might have to throw it out soon. The espresso? Well, just because it's... I feel like I'm walking on the edge here it is the it is the thing is you do get really obsessed with stuff like you get really in this stuff yeah are you like making like latte art and shit for nobody i made a heart this morning for the first time yeah you gotta throw that out you're cosplaying as a barista you can just go get that shitty job i know it's only he He cosplays as those shittiest jobs.

He's like, I've been getting really into bricklaying recently. He's like, I'm obsessed with cleaning my pool. It's like, go be a pool guy. You keep doing menial jobs as hobbies. Yeah, yeah. I've been getting really into grouting recently. Big insulation guy. I am excited the birds are back.

I think it does wonders for me. You hear them twittering? I hear them, yeah. That's nice. Yeah. The toeys, I saw a toeey the other day. The toeys are back. Oh, the toeys are back. Lovely. They're called toeys because toeey, toeey. That's great. California toeey. They're

the big fat ones that look like Jack Nicholson at the front row of a Lakers game. I love them. Smoking a cigarette in the ocean. It's great because they get all their food from the ground. They're like, fuck all that. I'm not going up there.

If it falls, I'll eat it, but I'm not working for it. They're the Buc-ee's patron of birds. The Will and Don's. A bird that literally walks. A bird that's like, I'm good. I'm good with all the flying stuff. Dude, can I say, just really

quickly, this is how mentally ill being around my parents makes me, is we went to the Dallas Aquarium, which was really cool, but they had bird stuff, and then I saw a pelican that had been rescued that had no wings, and I started, like, I had to leave the room because I started bawling. Over a pelican? I been rescued that had no wings and i started like i had to leave the room because i started bawling i was like he can't fly oh no i was like that's the one thing he's supposed to do and then i'm looking at him like ferris bueller when he's looking at that painting

yeah it's just zooming in yeah to me big birds don't carry the light big birds don't carry the light to me to me they like they don't have souls. They don't have any fire within them. To me, they're just like big, dumb animals. You're a little bird guy. Little birds carry the... You look at a little bird, you go, that little guy's carrying the fire. That little guy, he has the stellar spark of the soul. I get what you mean, except when they get too little, I feel like I can just step on

them and feel them. Yeah, they're not really that real to me. Yeah. When a bird gets that big, I'm like, I'll squash you like a roly-poly. I don't give a shit. Because at that point, they're like bubble wrap. Exactly.

Pop. You pick it up like a grape. You just watch its ass come out its mouth. Why is nothing little smart, by the way? Everything that's smart is big. Because if it was smart,

it wouldn't be small. Yeah. Fucking dumbasses. It's kind of true, actually. That's you as Dawkins. it's smart it wouldn't be small yeah fucking dumbhouses it's kind of true actually why that's us docking yeah this why don't you evolve to be big idiot god they're so fucking dumb they never like their genetics was never like get bigger they never realized they could get big yeah just a bird that's dumb as shit it's this big yeah that's why an elephant is so wise it's like what if I just get fucking massive and get killed by Dennis from South Carolina who paid 40 grand to the poorest?

I want to get killed by Anthony Cumia. Yeah, I want to get killed by Anthony Cumia after he pays the poorest black person who ever lived five grand to murder me. So he can take a picture for his shitty Facebook wall. Could you imagine Anthony going on a safari hunt? Oh, I mean, I think he'd be hunting something over there. He'd be hunting the guides. Yeah, exactly.

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That's code lemon50 at factormeals.com slash lemon50 to get 50% off. Thank you, Factor factor now back to the show uh the only other well look i don't want to talk about my family the whole time it seems like we kind of had to a little bit i mean you gotta let the steam out i kind of also wanted to talk about the vince mcmahon texts those are interesting yeah did you look at any of them yet i haven't looked at it of them. Because that guy's so awesome, I kind of don't want to uncover if he's a piece of shit. It's bad. Is he a pedophile? He's like a billionaire

hillbilly weird sex guy. Hillbilly? It's wrestling. He's like a billionaire, but I don't think he's a distinguished billionaire. He's a billionaire, but when he was making his most money, he was pitching storylines. He was like, what if I fuck my daughter on national TV?

That was literally a storyline he pitched one time. I don't know. It sounded like your usual run-of-the-mill sex trafficking and locking somebody in rooms and shitting on their head. Your usual stuff. You think Russ Perot wasn't doing that, Sending those same messages by telegram in 1970. Apparently he shit on a woman's head during a threesome. Then he went to take a shower and the shit was still on her while she was

getting fucked by another guy. And it was, and it was, and it was rolling down her, sliding down her back while getting railed. And then he goes, takes a shower. Cause I guess he's one of those guys that just doesn't wipe.

He just goes, he showers right after he shits. And then, and then he comes back after the shower and then starts fucking her again while the shit is rolling down her back. Do you think when he walked out of the shower, he did that walk? He did the walk? Oh, yeah, he's doing the face. And then a lot of the text messages, he keeps referring to cumming as squirting, which is hilarious. I did see that.

I can't wait. He's like saying like, me and all the boys want to squirt in your mouth. He was like making her like. Me and all the boys. Apparently he had names for his sex toys. Like every sex toy he would name after a wrestler. So he'd be like, I'm going to fuck you with Brock Lesnar tonight. And shove.

Oh, yeah. I have like a text screenshot here where he says, you need your panties ripped off and three big black dicks in all three holes at the same time. Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

It's very funny if you imagine him saying that in the Vince voice, by the way. And then he says, weigh up your pussy and weigh up your ass as far as they will go, but even farther.

Yeah. And she was- You just gotta stick it up your ass far. She was genuinely in pain and hurt. She was raped. Yeah. A lot. And he goes, and the thickest cock goes down your throat, so it makes you gag and convulse

as those big black cocks pound away. It feels like from the start you're being assaulted, but it's made you cum nonstop. Just one continuous constant orgasm. And just before you pass out, those big black dicks squirt their loads of cum inside you. As you lay on your stomach, the cum is coming out of all your holes. I'll turn you over and jack off all over you. Honestly, he's a pretty good erotic writer. It's kind of hot.

I'm kind of hard right now, honestly. But what's so bad about that? If we were in the pool, I'd be jacking off under the bubbles right now. I don't know what's so bad about that, though. But then did it happen and she got raped by these guys? She was getting passed around. He was having her... He would make her go fuck other people.

Yeah, he made Booker T call her the N-word. She got really upset. So what was she getting out of the whole deal? I have no idea. I think she was an employee or something. I don't know. He just rubbed her and hit her with a big chair in the head when he came.

So here's the predicament right now. My dad just texted me. He said, Katie said the cleaning lady was locked out of the laundry room. Yeah, that's what I tried to. The cleaning lady is inside the house right now, hearing everything we're saying, by the way. She can't speak a word in English. It's fine.

We didn't say anything in spanish it's fine i was hoping so badly that we'd be recording this awful podcast and then she'd like be walking through cleaning in the background yeah what do you think she thinks is going on out here right now looking out the window as she's cleaning my home i think she goes oh it's the white yoga. I think she can't. It's like when we see an Aztec ritual where they're all dressed like birds and dancing. That's what's happening in her mind, but for white people. It's a rain dance.

It's a white rain dance. We're prying to a sun god. We're in our natural habitat. The three whites, they take the microphones and they say offensive things. They go up in the temple and they make content for the god. I guess you guys got to hold it down real quick while I break down the laundry room door so she can keep cleaning my sheets. I think it's just stuck because there's a thing behind it that got stuck in the door.

I'll figure it out. She's got to open it. I'll figure it out. I couldn't get in there. She's very small. She has no leverage. Okay. You should fire her.

I'm thinking about it. By the way, I'm thinking about getting rid of that copy of Mein Kampf because I came in this morning. It's bad vibes. I came into my office in the morning. He keeps distracting you from writing. You keep being like, okay, just one chapter. One more. Just one more.

She goes, I love this book. I saw her. She was dusting my desk. She was dusting my copy of Mein Kampf. I'm like, this can't be my life. This woman from El Salvador dusting off my Nazi copy of Mein Kampf. To be fair, you're probably one of her least Nazi clients. Juanita, did you clean my Nazi china?

Did you steal my big helmet with a spike on top of it? Now that Nazi dagger is not dishwasher safe and cleaned only. I'm imagining you laying next to Katie at night and you've got the blankets over your head with the flashlight and you're reading Mein Kampf secretly. Yeah, smoking like Hitler's pipe. Yeah.

You dress like a big Kaiser. You have a big fake mustache on. We got ten minutes left. Can you guys hold down the fort real quick while I break down the door for her? She can't wait 10 minutes? I guess maybe we'll just go another 10. Well, Katie's texting me now. Oh.

Yeah, Dora keeps calling them. She says she's locked out of the laundry room. All right. I mean, Jesus, go help. All right, go help. Go help. Well, I could just do what I always do and pretend I didn't receive the text. Yeah, put it down.

Now that you are saying it into a mic. Yeah, you do have evidence of this. There is evidence. Plus, this episode is going to drop while our parents are still here, so this could be very fortuitous. Fuck her. I'm at work right now.

You are at work. This is bullshit. Yeah. You need to take my job responsibly. Dude, did I tell you, by the way? Ben, you can go get the door. I'll go kick it out. I'll tell some fascinating tales of Texas.

I'll regale Devin with some Texas tales. Ooh la la. No, I was going to a wedding, and this is pretty funny. I was at this beautiful wedding. These two former Columbia students, the whole world, beautiful couple. And I hadn't had this happen to me but the like they did the wedding and it was like great and then the and then the groom came up to me and he was like he was like hey man i love the podcast it's just as good as calm town and it felt like like getting a secret nazi

handshake at a country club it is it's uncomfortable isn't it it was a very it felt like a very wicked secret thing yeah had happened. I accompanied, I went, Connor had some show yesterday and I stopped by for a second and I walked into a green room and I realized I'd walked into hell. A bunch of people that, you know, the old people we used to have to see. Sure, yeah, yeah. And ran into an old guy that used to be kind of a scummy, pompous dude. And he is not not he's obviously not doing well because he came up to me and said he loves the show yeah it helps him get out his evil

and i'm like oh man but you're like you were doing so much better when you weren't listening to the show yeah it is it is funny the people who like kind of used to like semi try to bully us back in the day now being like oh the show's great i. I'm sorry I told you you were racist on stage five years ago. I'm cool now. I'm cool now that I realize I'm not going to get any show where black people get the shit beat out of them on HBO. There was one woman in the green room that literally, these are the people that do comedy.

I was making a joke to Connor, and she was trying to get involved, and it was an obvious joke, and we both laughed, and then she took it seriously, and I was like, no, it's a joke, and she goes, oh, I don't understand jokes. And then she went on stage. Yeah, she went on stage to do woman comedy of like, I got fucked by this guy who sucked, and that's it. Yeah, I'm gross.

I'm gross. I suck ass. I'm going to chop my tits off. Yeah, it's weird. There's so many people I'm around where they ask what I do, and they're nice, and I'm charming,

and I'm having a good time with them. But I go, if you did listen to it, you would think I'm evil. I know. I'm completely, like I'm not, I have decorum in life. I'm not a psychopath with people. I'm evil. I know. I'm completely, like I'm not, I have decorum like in life. Like I'm not like a psychopath with people.

I'm sociable and whatever. But if they listen to this, then they're like, oh my God, he like is a two-faced psychopath. Dude, I know. Dude,

that happened. I was meeting some of Kelly's friends who live in Austin and they're like this gay couple. They were very nice. Yeah, I'm like the same. I'm like,

I'm not meeting a gay couple and being like, what's up, you know what you're doing, bitch? We're not like Cartman. Yeah, exactly. I'm not meeting a gay couple and being like, what's up, Thad? How you doing, bitch? We're not like Cartman. Yeah, exactly. I'm not walking around eating chicken skins and saying slurs.

But the guys, we were like two hours into hanging out, and this guy, he's a professor. He just turned to me and he goes, I have a hypothetical question for you guys. Let's say you're reading a text in a class and it has a gay slur in it. Would you say the slur out loud if you're reading a text in a class and it has a gay slur in it would you say the slur out loud if you're reading it and in the back of my head i was like i say slurs not quoting myself i say slurs yeah exactly i was around it was that type of like i was like oh shit i'm really i live in such an insulated like sociopathic bubble like we don't realize like how i did a i i mimicked a i was doing an impression of how a woman sounded that was vietnamese that works at this like place that is a famous place

and like people looked at me like i was hitler and i just forgot like oh yeah i forgot i you can't do that around no no yeah and sometimes it'll come out i was with some uh like like a bunch of these woke people and they were they watching that Andrew Callahan January 6th documentary. And I was around them, and I was being fake because I need people to like me wherever I go or I'll kill myself. And so the whole day I'd be like, abortion rights, the vaccine's cool, whatever you want, I'll give it to you. I say whatever people want. Whatever they want. I'm like, I'm just trying to get through the day i'm not if you if you get an argument at a dinner and it's not somebody like your parents who you have a deep you know feud

going against you want to gut punch them a little bit yeah yeah but it finally it pops out every once in a while finally they were just talking they're like january 6th was so disgusting and i i had to know we're almost like a like a drunk dad waking up i go january 6th was the funniest thing that ever happened and it was just dead in this apartment oh man yeah there's you you really you've you it's like you got to live underground with your thoughts yeah well it's also like the weird thing about like doing this show is like because sometimes then people like in the other way like people come to you like a fantasy in real life. They'll be like, what's up, Thag?

What are you doing? And you're like, I'm at Costco right now. Yeah. And you're like, this is not, this is just me dumping my id, you know? I'm not saying. Yes. I'm not being who I am. No, no.

This is like that late night talking, you know? Yeah. 2 a.m. You stayed up past everybody else and you're downstairs with a couple cool guys and you're just saying shit you might not believe. Right. And you wake up the everybody else and you're you're downstairs with a couple cool guys and you're just saying shit you might not believe right you wake up the next day go i don't know you're hanging with some cool guys then like 15 minutes into the last woman leaving some guy like tries out like a little like a soft slur yeah just to see if everybody's cool with it and then we get to go buck wild for then a party happens yeah yeah it's like being like a like a barracks in vietnam or something you're just like yeah're going to smoke weed out of a shotgun barrel.

Who cares? It's kind of, I would equate what we do here to screaming into a pillow. Like you're with a family or you have to be normal. You go into the other room, scream into a pillow and then walk out. You're fine. Yeah, yeah. Just screaming slurs into a bed sheet real quick. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just screaming slurs into a bed sheet real quick. Yeah, yeah. It was bizarre being around some people last night in the comedy world that don't. I don't know how you can do that. Well, drinking. I didn't expect to see them, really. But it was fine. But it is.

I was having that same feeling of like, shit, yeah, I really do a totally separate thing. I can't even speak normally around most people no yeah i said retarded and and and i was it was like i said the n-word no people truly act like you're a freak or something yeah it feels like being like uh not religious in the 1500s or something like you're like blasphemous yeah yeah yeah it was one of those rooms where people were literally talking about how you can't go to this uh one bar because they're uh trump supporters the people that own it yeah the vietnamese people that own this bar and these these white people

and so if like we're talking about how we can't support this immigrant owned business because they like trump i know god forbid you go you know, immigrants like Trump. There's a lot of secret conservatives in LA, but I can't say that. You know, some people work for a living and they really hate paying all those taxes. Maybe they don't. Not a fan of Biden so much. No, that's like happening with like

with my girlfriend's friends. They were like I was like wanting to go to Starbucks. We can't because they support Israel. I'm like, are we really doing that? Yeah they support Israel. I'm like, are we really doing that? Yeah, I know. It's like that type of thing. We have to be like, okay.

That's charade. That's charade, yeah, exactly. Israel's like, oh, Starbucks is losing profit. We'll stop bombing. We'll stop blowing up children's schools. Throw away your phone. Child slaves. What are we doing? Do anything, yeah, yeah, at that point. Anytime I go to Target and my girlfriend's sick, the last five days I've just been getting

Starbucks nonstop. I love Starbucks. I love when people boycott a place because of some bullshit political thing because there's not as many lines and I just go a lot. I always go when they're hated. Yeah, there's a guy who buys, I saw he started a stock thing where he buys stocks after Republicans start protesting. Like, he bought Bud White during the Kid Rock dip,

and then he sells it, like, three weeks later when everybody forgets and makes, like, a really good profit off of it. He's just been doing that. Yeah. Somebody was talking yesterday about... This was some of the conversation they were talking about about how Dylan Mulvaney's getting into stand-up.

But it wasn't, they weren't like, isn't that ridiculous? It was almost like, can't wait to book her. Just overheard. I can't believe that. That type of talking, yeah. Yeah. I just, I felt like... Did you help your maid? Dude, I don't know.

You fucked her You needed a quickie in the middle of the show We did a stuck porn thing You're like Schwarzenegger She got stuck in the corner like a Roomba And you had to turn her real quick I feel like Mike Ehrmantraut Like I did the

First of all I don't know what I'm doing Okay for reference Here's what happened Devin came over We recorded early Devin took a huge shit in the I did the, first of all, I don't know what I'm doing. Okay, for reference, here's what happened. Devin came over. We recorded early. Devin took a huge shit where my laundry room bathroom is. Massive shit.

Came out. You had turned the lock or didn't turn it completely? No, I didn't turn the lock. There was a big stupid thing for your daughter, backpacky thing that got stuck in the door thing. I know, but the knob literally won't turn. So either you shit, you either shit and it already was locked because my dad's a retard and already had it turned up. Either way, her purse, her phone, and all the work she needs to do is inside that laundry room.

She can't get in? I did the Mike Ehrmantraut thing where I had the paper clip and I put it through the hole. That wasn't working. And then I got the drill and I took off the knob completely and that's not working and my hands are covered in black grease now and I told her I don't fucking know

and I can't back out. Oh, you didn't get it open. So you didn't help. No, no, she's just sitting in there. So all her stuff is locked in the bathroom that I took a huge shit out of. Yeah, none of the work that she can do today is, and it's just the door's locked and I can't get the thing off. I didn't lock the fucking There's a huge shit. Yeah, none of the work that she can do today is, and it's just the door's locked and I can't get the thing off. I didn't lock the fucking, there's a thing stuck.

Listen, nobody's blaming anybody. We're going to have to kick down the door. The thing can be stuck, but explain why the knob doesn't turn. I don't know. I didn't lock. You think I was so embarrassed by the shit, I locked it and then closed the door behind me? You don't want anybody to go in?

I don't want anyone to ever go in. You weld the doorknob shut. Well, I might have made a mistake, it sounds like. Or you just took a shit and it already was turned up. It could have already been turned up. The door wasn't. I technically took a shit with the door ajar. Yeah, so it was probably

already turned up and then you pulled it closed out of deep, deep shame. Yeah, I pulled it closed because that's what you do when you take a massive shit in somebody's place. But of course, this is... I don't know what you guys are up to with these doors. Why are the locks up but not... This is what the fans complained about because this is the baby's fault. Jace got bronchitis and his girlfriend got bronchitis.

I did not get bronchitis. My girlfriend currently is dying of bronchitis. I had diarrhea really bad and was throwing up for four hours four hours right so we can't record inside and recording we're recording like eight hours before this episode has to go out yeah we're recording like monday during the day yeah so we try to delay as much as possible and we're recording outside we're recording early devon as you guys know it takes a huge shit two hours early if you give my baby bronchitis and it goes to the nicu i'll literally kill you and your girlfriend I literally have not stepped inside I know but that's why we're not recording inside

No and I'm well aware of that I get it So I guess the baby is ruining the whole show It is I guess this is the final episode Of Lemon Party Let's just have the baby on the show Let's give her a mic

And see how she responds to you being racist. Lemonparty.life, come see us in Austin, Dallas, and Houston. Austin, February 7th. Houston, February 9th. And February 11th, come watch the Super Bowl with us. Yeah, that'll be interesting. In Fort Worth. That's going to be fun. We're going to watch the last, I think, couple quarters of the Super Bowl with us. Yeah, that'll be interesting. In Fort Worth. That's going to be fun.

We're going to watch the last, I think, couple quarters of the Super Bowl at the place. I think the show starts in the third quarter of the Super Bowl. We found a really great spot, third quarter of the Super Bowl on Sunday. We're going to watch it at Twin Peaks. Yeah, we're going to play it on a Twin Peaks. We're going to sexually assault the women with their ass cheeks out. Bunch of waitresses from tight ends. Have them

come on stage with us. Oh, that's it. Tight ends. Tight ends. Yeah, that's what I bet. Twin Peaks is pretty close as well. Yeah, same shit. Twin Peaks is like that you see so much ass that you feel sad afterwards. Yeah. Patreon.com slash living party. I don't know. I guess I got to call a lock semester. I don't know, but we got

to record another episode because God forbid mom and dad walk back here and we're in the middle of a riff. Has Katie given you an update? Well, she's trying to buy me time

right now. Can't you keep stalling them? This is like Ocean's Eleven what we're doing right now. She should strand them. She should leave them somewhere. I literally texted Kay. I was like,

if you need to, like, cut a hole in the tire or something. Oh, I got a lot of texts, too. Yeah, that she's locked out of the laundry room. Fuck. Whatever.

I am working. They don't understand that this is a real job. Yeah. They don't understand that this is a real job. Not everyone can do this. I scream all the time. I walk around my apartment. I go, I have to live stream.

The cat is being annoying. They don't understand that we're not civilians. Yeah, dude. We're the comedians. We have the comics mindset. We kind of show you the id. We don't have jokes. We just have takes.

We just have takes. We kind of show you the fucked up thoughts of what a dad would think at a golf course in Alabama. Anywhere in the country. Our show is vibe based. Yeah. It's a vibe. And we're the last line of defense against the woke mind virus.

The woke mind virus. Yeah. Yep. I've always believed that. Yep. Yeah. And the woke mind virus, of course, as we know is is people just sucking cocks yeah pussies it's not uh it's not a 900 billion dollars going to the military every year the last line of defense against the woke mind virus is smoking cigars

uh drinking whiskey and talking about elk meat that's right that's that's what that's what i just i just calculated i did my taxes i calculated that5,000 of it went to the U.S. military. Oh, yeah, I have to fucking file my Israel soon. Yeah, my Israel. They did, I was going through TurboTax, and they go, would you like to donate an extra $100 to Israel? Are you fucking kidding me? Check that out. I wouldn't believe it at this point.

Do you see the billboards all over different cities? Really? It's like Got Milk, but for Israel. It's Brett Gellman. Yeah. It's like got milk, but for Israel. Sure, it's Brett Gellman. It's got got fag. For Israel. Someone posted a Holocaust for Holocaust Remembrance Day.

We get it. Someone wrote a story about, I talked to this man and I saw the tattoo on his wrist. He started talking. He was crying, talking about how he uh he started talking he was crying talking about how he was a boy and he was cleaning the uh cabins for the nazis he was like their maid or whatever uh-huh and he said uh he was talking about like hunger and you don't understand hunger

and he said one of the german shepherds when the german shepherd fell asleep and so did his nazi captor or whatever he said he crawled over very quietly like a dog and ate from the german shepherd's bowl and uh like that was and then the german shepherd woke up and looked at him and the german shepherd let him keep keep eating and he said he realized that a dog has more compassion than a nazi and like that was a story and i was like well this is like literally the most pg thing yeah if this was the this would be be the most PG story coming out of Gaza right now. And that's, that's literally,

it's a hallmark story. Yeah, they're like, I had to eat dog food for a day and that's why I deserve an apartment on 1-800-Gaza-Street. My empathy levels

are low right now too. Yeah. So I read it and I, I out loud, I went, oh bullshit. Dude,

I fucking, I know I'm so over, shut the fuck up. I'm so over all of it. It was your great-grandfather. You don't remember any fucking shit of it. And he's lying. And by the way, he's lying.

And it didn't happen. It didn't happen. Dude, I was watching Guys Grocery Games. That is awful, though. It's awful. Yeah, no, it happened. It happened and it's bad. And they should get to kill babies whenever they want to build apartments.

He took the dog's house. Yeah. I was watching an episode of Guy's Grocery Games. It was like from five years ago. It's so funny to go from that to Guy's Grocery Games. No, no, no. It's going full circle. Guy's in Israel baking for him.

One of the contestants came out. He goes, I'm a commander in the IDF, and that's why I'm going to play for them today. And then he just made a grilled cheese sandwich and lost in the first round. I swear to God, he made a grilled cheese sandwich that they said was bad. And then he was like, he's a commander in the Israeli army. Was he even faking the whole Middle Eastern thing? Or was he like, because there's a lot of guys that are in the idf that like just like move from chicago yeah he kind of had that thing where he looked like like a hairy subway jared so you can't really tell you know yeah a couple weeks

indoors with no tans like he could be you know not so yeah i mean fucking i figured out gold am i are the lady who founded israel she's from min. Yeah. You know that? Yeah, they're an expansion team. They're like the Houston Texans. Yeah, it's like Luca going overseas and just putting up 70. It's a new team. The Raiders moved to Vegas. That's cool. I guess we gotta dismount here

and do a Patreon. I gotta break down that. I think I have to break the door. This is interesting. What a bizarre bizarre day this has already become. It really is all my beautiful girlfriend that I love. And I really got to get out of here before they come back.

I mean, I love your mom, but I do not want to be around that. No, he won't talk to you. He'll go and sit in his Archie bunker chair and watch Sopranos. You can watch Sopranos with him if you want when he comes back. I swear to God, you can. You can sit there. Youos with him if you want when he comes back. I swear to God you can. You can sit there. You'll see him in the top window like Alfred Hitchcock's psycho.

Just staring at the darkness. And then you walk in and it's actually Ben dressed like my dad. What if I became like great friends with your dad? We developed a great relationship. I'm sure he'd love you. I mean, if you just let it fly around him. Do a lot of F.

A lot of F. He loves F. Yeah. If you call someone an F, he loves it. Yeah. And drop a little. He goes, it's not F and N word. It's N word.

He loves B-side slurs. B-side slurs? B-side slurs. If you slip in a slur for a certain race that he probably hasn't heard in 20 years, he's like, ooh. I forgot about this one. Oh my god, he called a Greek a dynamonkey. There we go.

He's like, ooh, I forgot about Big Star. They had that great album. Anyway, let's end this because we've got to do the other app. Yeah. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina Music would play and Paulina would whirl Blacker than night were the eyes of Paulina

Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican maid I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a wild young cowboy came in. Wild as the West Texas wind.