lemonparty - 068: Chickler's List

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

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I I like me always in my face talking with the name girl I had to bust me Okay, we're in Yeah, we finally leaving Branham Fuck my bed cheeks We're here in Branham, which was named after a old lady who got fucked to death during skankfest Everyone here is surprisingly aware of skankfest We're doing do you just want to do the bet we were talking about the start Yeah, we've been we've been cracking because we've been on a ranch

We've been doing the Texas door and we've been just cracking up thinking of like old southern guys with inside baseball knowledge Well, we're driving back on like an old country road last night and we're talking about how much we love Sean Gardini Yeah, and Jase goes I fucking hate him I was driving and I was leaning over the wheel like this everybody's like dude Sean was great That was awesome. And then there was a moment of silence. I go, fuck him. He fucking sucks. He's a fucking retard. He calls like the steering wheel ten and two, like a psychopath on a back country road

in the middle of nowhere. He's like, speak up, you messy retard. Speak up. And I was just, I kept crying to everybody. I was just like, Tommy Pope's a fucking piece of shit he's ruined step-fine and people were all friends with by the way I'm like Tommy Popes have fucking drag yeah Tommy Pope's Tommy Pope's 55 he's sex fuck him but like all the weathered taxes guy who like in overalls with dips bit. He's like, let me raise that fucking retake.

The guy wrangling his cows like, I don't know about the marriage, the new producer. Chris, you're coming to the fucking midget. Yeah, let me just. Dude, it would be so if we did the whole podcast and then died and I had on collision That would be very poetic. Yeah 18-wheeler. It's so funny to think like there was like some like like Like some fat old lady like watching us set up all the mics in this cute little town of Brennan, Texas They're like, hey boys, you're just gonna go do themselves a racist pack

No, it's like it's like the equivalent of like seeing the nuns masked in like the town That's what we looked like Yeah, oh, yeah, but I was doing racist podcasting. Oh, you're from LA. So that's why you say it inside the car You suck dude Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. movie that never got produced like I'm ashing like there's old guys at the barber shop being like I heard them lemon body boys in town He didn't talk about fat people Doing some real research seeing the fattest people in the country The only speed up that uh Denny's was um one of the more depressing experiences of my life I

loved it my heart hurts. And Ben, I think, might be poisoned because his bread was filled with mold. And then they didn't comp the meal. They just comped his meal. Yeah, that was very funny to me. But are we going to be able to? I mean, it's literally like shaking up and down. Dude, it's just shaking.

I think we got to stop and then tape it to the thing, right? Or am I wrong? I guess I have to this gonna make people sick. Yeah, that Legitimate looks like a Marvel movie. Yeah, should we give him a warning like you need to do drama man before you watch Our fucking it's like enter the void like gasp for now You just shoot a selfie the whole time, I guess. OK, that's good. Yeah, that's better. There we go.

Oh, yeah. Hi. Oh, yeah. Hello. Hi. Hello. Can I actually do this for an hour? I don't think you can.

I don't think you can. We should just, I'll pull off into. Why do these people need video? Let me pull off into an old country road. Here. We are the beginning of a new Kevin Smith horror movie for podcasters traveling across Texas. We end up in Bone Tomahawk. Yeah, just pull off into Leatherface's shack here. Okay, great. It's so funny. There's no like grocery stores. It's like a food desert, right?

But there's like nine fireworks stands. Yeah. Yeah. To get fiber, you have to eat dynamite. But then also like a cute coffee shop. I don't every every like small town has like that one like hipster coffee shop where they sell stickers and ollie pops. They literally like build it so old people can get mad at the coffee shop.

Yeah. Yeah. And go like I shot a woman with a holding hand with a man down there. Heard you were at the non-badinary coffee shop. Mm-hmm. Man, I wanna move to Belleville now just to eat at Trump burger every day

and then walk across the street to that blacksmith and make a knife. Trump burger? And I'll do it every weekend and then walk across to the street to that blacksmith and make a knife Trump, I'll do it every weekend until they ask me to leave town I want to get the Trump stamp and put it on all my sandwiches at home Like everything I eat has Trump's stamped into it the Photoshop like veteran photo of Trump is so funny in that place Oh, yeah, yeah where he was that's like Was he was that just like picture day for him like was that like no I think it's Photoshop I think it's completely like well tell the good people at home what Trump burger is it's a it's a it's a burger shack Devoted to Donald J Trump. It's really unbelievable. I will say we all ate burgers with the Trump name branded on them

And we were way more racist throughout the rest of the day Like as we were digesting, the slurs were just flying. We went over to the street and we started making knives on it like we were smithies all of a sudden. Yeah, me and Jason Devon were throwing axes at a wall. It was the grace. And then we went home and fucking ran on ATVs and chopped a tree down.

Yeah, he would be proud. The main least day I've ever had. The minute I ate that burger I walked out of there. I could feel my white blood cells putting on hood You bet to pull into the shirt dude. I would shit. I'm like, I can't find fucking anywhere You can't pull it pull up anywhere. We're in the fucking middle of nowhere, dude I'm gonna like pull into a driveway. We're gonna get blown away by the fucking Whitaker family Guy runs at us like a dog and bites her neck out.

God, these fucking retarded Texas roads. Yeah, there's no way to pull off. It's like driving across Australia where you can just die and nobody sees you ever again. This fucking sucks. Fuck this. This thing really does suck ass. Fuck podcasting.

Fuck Texas. Fuck this whole state. All right, I'm going to try to fucking pull in here. I hope somebody hits us going 80 from behind. Dude, there's like four cars behind us right now that are pissed. I know. Oh, shit, damn. Oh, shit, this is someone's, we're in someone's driveway now. That was a.

I know, this is literally only people's driveways. I guess just, yeah, turn around. Do you want to try and fucking tape the thing to to the mirror now, but yeah, I guess well Are you good just holding it or what do you what do you put your plan here? I Think it's I mean I'm once I think Jace once Jay stops like all like yeah I think it's gonna look insane like we're gonna stop recording and then I have to turn the thing around and Then tape it where I can't see it Like we did that one time. I

Think otherwise, it's just gonna look like fucking insane to be honest. Yeah, it'll just look insane. We should go fuck that horse I'm parked now. Oh, no, no just get out of here. This is like in the hills of eyes Get out of here now. This is like in the hills of eyes We're in within gunshot of them okay, well, but turn left that's where we need to go when you go back We need to go back. We do know oh did you have to turn? They got a bunch of cars in the in the soil and we spray paint them I mean we're not gonna be able to stop for four hours. There's nothing but people's retarded houses All right. Well, just keep holding it until we can I guess okay Got even the cows sit here. Mm-hmm

Fat as cows at every truly huge cows oh The fattest cows I've ever seen. Truly huge cows. Oh, God. Oh, this is biggest of the people. Ben, do you feel sick from that food? Yeah, I mean, I ate a bunch of mold on the bread and she's like, well, we should have charged the extra, I guess.

Oh. She goes, you had food growing on your food, why didn't you charge a mixture? Why? That was the blue cheese bread. No, it's funny, we had a former meth addict, obviously, as our waiter and he would come over, he would come over and do a joke, he goes, all right, you're the closest cheese bread. No, it's funny. We had a former Methodic, obviously, as our waiter, and he would come over.

He would come over and do a joke. He goes, all right, you're the closest. You're paying. He goes, no, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Before you could even let him buy it, be like, I'm just kidding. I really thought he'd be like, do you guys want to hang out later? He asked us what we were doing for the super bowl.

Yeah. He wanted to come with us. And he'd be crushing it right now in the truck. Yeah, dude. There was a guy sitting there with a tarp on. was an old black man sitting in a boob. He had a tarp Wearing a tarp. Yeah for when he died. Did you see that? They could just lay it down. Yeah Well, yeah, they there's a people so fat here. They sew a tarp into them. So they're easier to drag off to the board They just sew it into their back Like a dead horse like a butterfly with wings flapping behind them.

No, people are born here with like their toes are tagged. Yeah. Like they're already on that cold steel tray. They get branded the second they pop out of their womb. People's brainstems grow into their brain like a beaver tooth here. It's fucking... everybody use a retard. It's fucking sucks, fuck this place it is just a sea of fat retards

I wanted to kill myself in Houston, it was so depressing it was really depressing Houston was so dark all the shows have been great though phenomenal Austin was amazing Houston was great we had a marine piss his pants

and then tell me he thought about killing himself. Yeah. Shout out that guy. Yeah, it was great. He called Devon and N-Word to his face. He put a diaper on over his pants and then pissed himself. And then he called me the N-word at the end of the night. Hard R.

With a hard R. Hard R, yeah. After he was saying, he goes, yeah, I killed a bunch of people over there. And then his wife goes, N-W-R. He goes, I'm retarder. Then his wife goes, and then he goes, I'm retarded. And then his wife goes, he is fucking retarded. A guy who I asked for him to put a diaper on, and he put it on over his pants and then pissed himself.

Yeah. That kind of is like the perfect. That's like the prototypical 11-party fan. The kind of made perfect sense. It was like there was a moment we were talking about where like, why is everybody in LA Commies didn a moment we were talking about where like why is everybody, you know, we're like why is everybody in LA, can't be seen think we're like Nazis and like fucked up

and we had just eaten at Trump burger and then we're making knives at a blacksmith shop. We're really making knives out of horseshoes and throwing axes. We're like, I don't know what people think we're mean Nazis. And then there's a marine in the front row pissing his pants with a diaper over his jeans saying the n-word

Yeah, and then we went to the ranch and me and everyone atv is calling donkeys faggots. Yes We're flipping off And then we all listen to Kanye in a barn yep Yeah, but that's what people think You know they think like white people like us are the barn. Yep. Yeah. But that's what people think. You know, they think like white people like us are the only Kanye fans. Yeah. Honestly, one of the most fun days of my entire life. It was a great fucking day. It was a really great day. It was a great day. I mean, I love it out here. Yeah. And you know, I love how it looks the same everywhere you go. It's so funny. Like as soon as we turn the mic on, we're like, okay, we can't talk shit about everybody

we've been talking shit about. We literally ran out of people to talk shit about last night. I'm not kidding. We were five days, we were like literally looking at YouTube and we were like, who else does comedy? I heard there was a new guy in Fort Worth who started Open Mights. Maybe we could call him a fucking dumbass.

We talked shit so much we were like, put on GTA 5 and go to the comedy store. Just start killing people. Yeah, we forced the guy we didn't know to fly his jetpack to the comedy store. We were getting mad at him because he kept getting lost. Is this a spot? Can I pull in here? Yeah, do this. This is the fire department. They'll come out and maybe hose us off. What are they though?

The fire department here? Yeah. Oh, they start fires. They burn. When people die, they burn them up. It's like Fahrenheit 451, but for pounds. Okay, I'm gonna have to stop recording real quick. Okay. Are you tired of cooking? Cool. You don't have to anymore. Factor has delicious, ready to eat meals that are chefcrafted, dietitian approved, and sent straight to your door. With over 35 meal options to choose from each week, you'll never get bored. With midday snacks, smoothies, and wellness shots, you'll be on your A game all day long. Whoop whoop whoop whoop! I love Factor! I've had it. It's really good. It's easy. It's quick. It's delicious. You gotta get Factor, folks. Okay? So Factor's way less expensive than Take easy, it's quick, it's delicious, you gotta get factor folks, okay? So, factor's way less expensive than takeout

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That's code lemon50 at factormeals.com slash lemon50 to get 50% off. Support the show and get 50% off factor at factormeals.com slash lemon50 and use code lemon50. Lemon50. Now, back to the show. Back to the show. and use code lemon50. Lemon50. Now back to the show. Back to the show. I live in the middle of nowhere and I eat your denies

and your bread's full of mold. They got a Dalmatian toast down at the denies. It's really funny to complain about. I like the type ofche that has spots. It's really funny to complain about how gross your food was or like unsanitary and then the most disgusting woman comes over to console the situation. She literally goes, well I was in the back looking at all of them earlier, I didn't catch nothing.

She's like, I have five loves myself, I ain't seen anything like that. I'm wiping my ass with a few of the pieces. She literally says she came over, she like kind of slid over. And she was like, I checked out the bread myself and I had a middle image of her like shuffling them like a big deck of cards. Like a Donald Duck cartoon.

No one there walked. They all kind of rolled over like they had like healies on. They spray paint the eggs at Denny's. Yes. It's fluorescent. It's like Hunter Camo orange. I've never seen an egg that bright. It's like it's trying to survive on the side of the road

at night. Mm-hmm. Well, it's also it's fucking. It hurts your eyes to look at your plate at Denny's. Yeah. Because everything is in hands. You need to ask him, oh, glasses to eat eggs. Yeah, I'm wearing like, I'm wearing like ski goggles. Yeah. Just to like, look at your plate at Denny's? Yeah. Because everything is in hands. You need to ask him about glasses to eat eggs. Yeah, and we're like, we're like ski goggles.

Yeah. Just to like look at my egg. I've also never been able to make more twirls with melted cheese in my life. Like it was like fun fatty or something. It's also, it's fucking Sunday in Texas so every place is closed but Denny's. Yep. Like they close it down for the Lord's Day. And it's the Super Bowl.

Also, that's like not bacon, right? No, no, no. What is that? All the meat, they order a Domino's pizza, then they take the meat off the pizza, and they throw it in your omelet. No, they shave a piece of flesh off the cook's foot. That's really what it tastes like and feels like in your mouth.

They take a razor to a bunion and just let it land in the pan. You go in the back and it's like, goodfellas there's a guy cutting his bunion with a little razor, super thin. They go, this is Rufus' goiter. Man, fucking manager has a Dima. She just wallows over and looks at the bread and she kind of looked at it for a second.

Like she kind of frowned and then a part of her was like, I'm gonna eat that later. Yeah. She's like, I'm not gonna let that go to waste. It's not that bad. Well, no, there wasn't. There's a dead golden retriever. I ate Texas so.

That was a dead golden retriever. Every half mile, there's a dead golden retriever. And it was like rotting. Those are the mile markers in Texas. They go, we don't want to waste metal because we eat that. So we just spray painted dogs. Man, that sucked ass. Damn, a golden retriever, too.

That really sucked ass. I woke up. We were sleeping at Travis's ranch. I woke up. I didn't know there was donkeys. And I walked outside. There was just donkeys outside the window, like, braying at us.

Yeah. Do they kick ass? They're very cool, but it's also just, you wonder, like what, what do you do with this? Well, also just like, they scared the shit out of me. You just have that innate reaction to see a wild animal and you're like, oh fuck, I ran away from when I first saw the donkeys.

I don't trust any animals besides dogs. Dude, when those dogs charge into our guest house, that was the scariest thing of all time. Two dogs I don't know, full sprint run into us. Yeah, that giant white dog, like a Lord of the Rings character. A mythical beast. Yeah, it was fun though.

Let's kill the beast. It's, you really understand like why people do this. You just have this land that you just wander out back. No, it's a real why like I don't be an experience like All day yesterday. I was like I fully get it. Yeah, I almost killed Ben on an ATV Did you really I was making a turn a little too quick. I didn't know how they worked Yeah, we were about to for sure die. I did tell him to stop. Yeah, you actually was I've never heard you that like uncomfortable in your life You're like, whoa, Tevin, okay. You, you, you.

Devin thought he could full throttle on ATV through a windy little trail that's muddy. Yeah. I'm like, are you that fucking stupid? I didn't, I don't know how that shit works. I thought they were immune to that shit. I thought they handled my- Devin thinks it's like a video game.

Yeah. I was like, hey, bucko, let's go eight miles per hour around this Well, then on the way back you and Travis just like abandoned Connor and I thought we were gonna get lost and just die in the woods We were lost. We were legitimately lost like we've been to this turn already. Yeah, Connor was like I've seen that moss before Yeah, we they find you an hour later. You guys are fucking each other eating your own hands immediately panic I like the

donkeys though because like a lot of livestock is really cool like goats are goats are sick because they just stare at you and they're like evil and they sort of do their own thing donkeys are like dogs they are well they just walk up they want to be pet and be fed treats which i'm cool with that me too i like it too but i don't like i didn't want to pet them because they don't they're not like Bait through that soft. They're just they're out all day. You know what? I thought about that that's also kind of every day, you know you know many times you pet Emma on the couch when you're drunk You go give me a sweetheart. You know when I gave her a bath last

2022 Really? Well actually she fell in the pool because a coyote pushed her in there, so I guess she got cleaned then. Emma literally like goes and gets sprayed by Skunk, so Ben will give her a bath. She's begging for it. She's like the girl who cuts herself so her dad will hug her. It's very fucked up. Every time I give Emma a bath, she just licks her asshole and then licks her body. Like she's like trying, it's like a painter taking a little bit of paint on a brush

and spreading it across the canvas. She does that with turds in her ass. And then starts spreading it around her fur. Yeah. I think we just passed like a Civil War battlefield. Don't fucking pass me. There's a car coming. Faggot. God fucking damn it, this stupid fucking state. What's the speed limit right here?

It's 65. I'm going fucking 65. The guy's in a Mercedes too. Yeah, he was like waving at me. He was about to pull out in front of another fucking car. You should have said, yeah, it's clear. Buddy, I'm trying to do subversive podcasting. And you're about to kill yourself. Let's beat his ass.

Every time we podcast in the car, it turns into dual. To what? It turns into dual by Spielberg. Yeah. Well, I mean, this is illegal. What we're doing? Hey, there's a phone camera hiding the mirror, the rear view mirror.

I suppose you are right, Devin. You know? But luckily no one here cares about anything. Yep, and here he goes. Yeah, kill yourself, faggot. Did he honk at us? That cop sucker? He did honk at us? That cocksucker?

He did honk at us. You piece of shit. Let's hunt him down. I hope you get raped by a longhorn. Jay, speed up. You piece of shit. Jay, speed up. Come on. Let's scare him a little bit. We have a bigger car. You and you both are fucking huge, alright?

Jay, she'll scare him. That is true. Yeah, and I'll yell, yeah. You mean things, animal. You guys handle it. And I'll go, I'll go, get him, boys. You handle it. Right, you'll pull up his YouTube videos later and make fun of him

What a cocksucker also what a fucking loser you have to be to have like a nice Mercedes out in this shithole I know what are you doing? Yeah, he's one of those guys cosplaying like ranch hand type of shit That was the area of Texas we were in it was kind of of like millionaires being like, I love being a rancher. I love going here for two days and checking on the Mexicans. I love, I love being a country boy. Yeah, they all pride themselves in like the great work they do on their land.

And then you go there and there's like nine day laborers doing everything. And you're like, and what do you, what do you guys do? You just can sort of sit in the home and look out the window. They go I'm a bit of a rough neck the other day I cleaned my truck out by myself. They only have trucks to pick up Mexican's at Home Depot and then drop them back off. That's all that they're... Cat Boys now they're like a shuttle service for illegal immigrants. And then they claim they go but my guys,'s like, I wish all legal immigrants were like my guys.

They're so nice, you know? They always have their own guys. They're all the same guys. I've met all those guys. They're all the exact same. I've never met like a guy at Home Depot. I've never pulled into Home Depot and there's a day laborer guy

staying there with a knife like this. No, they're the nicest people ever. They're the nicest, sweetest people. You give them a dollar and they work for years. They're various years. Ha ha ha. What was the bit we were doing, Jason, where he was like, the guy asked you a question,

and you're like, oh, I don't speak English, I Spanish. And he was just, oh no, it was funny because the day laborers were leaving and they just assumed, they looked at me and assumed, like, well, that guy probably owns this place. And he goes, we're gonna leave the tiles. that I didn't really understand I go okay sounds good dude and then I just walked inside and we were doing the bed you took out five dollars and handed it to him. Alright man just get the fuck out of here.

I went inside the main house I'm like hey Travis there's some homeless guy in the backyard asking for money or something I gave gave him five bucks, but it looks like he's still out there. There's a homeless guy back there building your entire property. I've seen these fucking freeloaders that break onto white people's land and take care of it. He's some migrant. He's like feeding the chickens out there, milking the cows. But we were doing this bit that I like, he like walks up to me. He's like, uh, he's like, Hey, uh, hey, no, sorry, no, don't speak Spanish, man. He's like, oh, we're leaving the tiles here. I go, hey, man, no comprender, all right?

He's no comprender. Get your Odley shit out of here, all right, man? I can understand you perfectly. I'm like, all right, all right, one. It is hilarious. We were just like riding ATVs all day while all these guys did hard work. I know. A couple of times, being caught, we were riding four wheels around and they had to stop doing

work because me and Connor were driving through their field where they were pouring concrete and digging holes and stuff. We're like burning out in front of them, splashing mud all over their faces. Dude, I was doing donuts in front of them like splashing mud all over there. Dude. I was doing like wheel I was doing like donuts in front of them Dude there was we got there and I went to go just take a nap because I was tired and then I Rolled over and the Mexican guys were working right outside my window with the blinds open. I was like I was like, can you fuck you? I thought this was a city problem

I know and then I got self-conscious like I didn't want to like get up and just shut the blind like they Were literally four inches away from the window. It would have been funny if we fired them for Travis Cuz we were inconvenienced Man This is just this is the status. it's been, what is this? I think we passed the Civil War, like, battlefield earlier, there was like a big cannon. Yeah, well they, Texas couldn't do the Civil War,

but they started their own in 1940. While we were busy with the war, they were like, we could probably do it now. Yeah, we passed a big cannon. Devon, that's Fudruckers. Yeah. That's a, you stand right big cannon. Devin, that's Fudruckers. Yeah. That's a... You stand right in front of the cannon, they just shoot food at you.

Yeah, it's kind of like those take-up book libraries in, you know, LA. Yeah. It's like for the hungry. And that's people who haven't eaten in 45 minutes. Man. Can't wait for this banquet hall tonight. Oh yeah, and then the show... It's not like a fake comedy club, right? The live podcast we did with Shane, he dropped in.

That's going to be on the Patreon on Friday, if I'll leave people wondering. We paid a guy to film it for multiple angles. It's going to be really nice. So that's coming out on the patreon.com slash limit party on Friday. That should be good. Yeah, it was pretty good. We got one show left right now.

We're driving to Fort Worth for contact. I guess we didn't give people contact while we were just driving aimlessly through Texas. They think we just flew here to drive and do a podcast in the middle of nowhere. We're like, yeah, the Texas Killing Field seemed like a safe place to record. Now we're at the end of a long, grueling five day tour.

I've been many different people throughout the strip. I think the favorite guy I've been so far is being the Houston wigger. Yeah, yeah. Dressing up in the Air Jordan jersey. That was great. Big sagging pants, sideways Matt Reif hat with the smiley face on it.

You sang wigger too Loud at that Goodwill, where like everyone was just like eating old underwear when we walked in. It looked like some sort of, it looked like they were mining like shit stained pants. Dude, it really was like pigs in a trough. It was really alarming. 100 people stand behind a line in a Goodwill

before these many bins of dirty, unwashed clothes. Literally underwear in piles of clothes. They blow a whistle and then everyone runs across the line. Rih, rih! Rih! Literally squealing. Yeah. And clothes are flying everywhere.

Yep. And it's all, it's every guy looks like they're in the Whitaker family. And then there's like one like suspenders, curly mustache, like barista unicycle guy. Yeah, hipster from like 2008 is there. Yeah, they were selling underwear, like old pizza crust. Literally like broken glass and underwear.

Selling underwear by the pound. And then we went out in the parking lot and I guess some guy got there early and got all the good stuff. And he had like like he had like underwear laid out in the trunk. He was like, I best I can do is five for 20. Yeah. And some guy was like dabbing him and I'm like, is he selling drugs? He was selling underwear like a mixtape out of his trunk out front.

It was unbelievable. Now we don't charge but we do take donations. And you're like, oh I'm good man. He goes, I already signed the underwear. You gotta take it. I already see it. It's like the Venice Beach guys, man. He goes, I already signed the underwear. You've got to take it. I already see it. It's like the Venice Beach guys. The strong are you?

I already signed the underwear, man. Who should I make this out to? You may as well sift through a trash can with used toilet paper in it. Yes. If you're going to do that. It was that gross. You're picking up underwear that has shit and piss in it. From thousands of different people.

Yep. Yeah. Thousands. Yeah, Houston is really brutal We straight up got like I think eight different amber alerts when we were in Houston. Just not stop Children I got an amber alert for myself that they Kid goes missing like every 20 minutes there They actually do amber alerts when they find a child When a parent like wakes up and finds their child in their crib, they do an Amber Alert.

You still let them know to stop looking for this one in particular. Apparently, you can turn the Amber Alerts off on your phone, which is like, that's a very funny thing. That's very funny to do. That's so funny to do that. That's like being like, I'm not donating any organs when I die.

Fuck you, fuck everyone else. No, it's literally like you go to the red cross bucket at the mall and you take money out of it. You like tell the Santa to go fuck himself and then you take $5. Here is the thing though, like if I did see, like, oh, be on the lookout for like a white Chevy, like Silverado and stuff,

and then like, I like came into contact with that guy, like, I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't do anything. Yeah. And what am I supposed to like run him off the road? Citizens are ass and then he beats your ass. Give me the kid. I Want to fuck the kid? Take me with you ball hog buddy Dude if I was a pedophile

I would straight up try to track down amber alerts and then take the kid from the pedophile So because the cops are still following right that guy the amber alerts might be for one kid that keeps getting passed around by Different pet of like every 20 minutes. It's like a hot potato thing I also like the idea of you're like an ethical sourcing pedophile. You're like well only take pedophile from the land Yeah, I only take children from the land and fuck them. I like small batch kids This is a fair trade, child? I like my child ass free open range, free range. No, no, no.

They don't have many of these kids in Houston, but this kid has no corn syrup in him. Free of seed oils. Yeah, this kid Travis is a grass-fed. Yeah, man, I'm not doing shit if I like, if it's between, first of all, I can't fight anybody. None of us can. Well, Jace actually has,

Jace is pretty good at fighting people. Yeah, but I, I, I, You were obligated to actually fight a pedophile. Yeah, I mean, I've fought people on behalf of you guys before, so. I'll say this too, I'm not gonna get into a fight with a pedophile and then get my ass kicked Yeah, I'm not telling that story. We're like, yeah, I like bowed up on the pedophile and he like easily beat my

You're talking to the cops they go honestly, you're just making it worse Just you go sit down and we'll take care of this. All? That's an owl I can't take. I can't get my ass whipped by a pedophile. Yeah, you, he kicked your ass so hard it actually gave him enough self-confidence to fuck more kids. Yeah. You like this? Yeah, I'm the strongest pedophile of all time. Yeah, they were like, this was an F4 pedophile, you moved him up to an F6. Congrats, fuckface.

Dude, that might be the dark night of the soul I need though to like have some sort of rebirth where I like I could see if I get my ass beat by a pedophile I go in the garage, I get some weights And I basically become Kevin Spacey from American Beauty Yeah, you think about his route a lot It's starting to worry me What, the American Beauty? You really want like, you want a marine to execute you in your garage and that's the best out of like his characteristics either that or be zip edophile well now bends into

knives so yeah I mean I made I made this fucking knife right here check this shit cool look at this fucking knife it's pretty sick knife when you wrap it wouldn't you that huh I wrapped it I wrapped it this morning with a bike It's pretty cool. Look at his fucking knife. It's a pretty sick knife. That's so sick. When'd you wrap it? When'd you do that? Huh? You wrapped it? I wrapped it this morning with a bike wrap. Damn.

Look at that. That looks awesome, dude. It's really sharp, too. Let's find the kid. Let's kill the guy. Dude, what the hell? What? What are you doing?

What are you doing? They were like stabbing my health. No, no, I was like, stab the car. Yeah, don't stab the car. What are you doing? Stab this piece of shit vehicle. I like how you ask them. It's like, you guys, that's Sam Bowie's real knife. And the guy goes, it's a replica.

It's a replica. And you go, no, I know. And then he just stare at you blankly. No, it wasn't that. They had a big knife that said Sam Bowie's knife. He goes, it's a replica. He goes, yeah, but he used it to kill people. And the guy's like, yeah.

Yeah, but this is a replica. It's not that one. And then that other guy, you were like, look, guys, I'm is a replica. It's not that one. And then that other guy, you were like, Look, guys, I'm making a knife! And he goes, alright, Michelangelo, settle down. They were really uncomfortable with me, like how much I was getting into it. Yeah, it was very funny. It was very funny because the person behind you was a four-year-old kid,

and he was like, this is fine, whatever. Yeah, he was so unamused like you give the shit you like And the kid next he's like this is fucking gay mom I don't want to do this while me and Connor trying to throw our throwing tomahawks as hard as hard as we fucking can dude Literally, I like woke up in my shoulder with sore from Yeah, it felt so good, dude It was so funny because like we threw like ten of them There was a thing like right next to where Ben was making it and after like ten I turned to Connor I go

I mean, I just want to sink this into a fans chest God that's good without it feels so cool imagine launching a top Mach from stage guys heckling yours like Straighten the forehead the crowd loses their mindfft, straight in the forehead. The crowd loses their minds. Yeah, like a Mel Gibson in the Patriot. I was like, well, give me back my son. And then fucking cave in his chest with a Tomahawk.

Oh, man. Dude, it felt so good. We were so good at it, too. We were naturally good at it. My first throw, I got a dead on bullseye. And the guy goes, well, it doesn't get much better than that. He goes well I've seen this before. Sean have you thought about getting into racism? I tried to, it was so easy I was getting bored I tried to do an underhand flip and like almost

fucked the axe up. When you guys see like a field of cows like that of like two or three hundred cows does part of you want to go around with a handgun and like a case of ammo and execute each and every one of them? Oh, of course. I want to walk up to each and every single cow with a gun to a set of bullets. I want to shoot them with a Gatling gun. Like I want to, or like an AR-15, like something that's

like hunters be like, that's, you don't do that. Use that on an animal like that. Just like riddling a cow with 900 bullets. Yes. Like a madman. Just standing over, just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr like a madman. Just standing over, just grrrrr. Tommy Gunn to its head. Yeah, babyface Nelson on the side of a car. There is something about the surface area of a cow.

Like when you drive, you want to lean out the car with a machine gun. Yeah. I want to blow up a cow with like a bazooka or something. Can you pay someone to do that? You can do that in Thailand, I think. You can pay a guy like 500 bucks to blow up a cow with a bazooka.

That would kick someone's ass. Yeah. I mean, you could probably do it to people, too. Let's go on tour in Thailand. Dude, imagine if you did, you probably couldn't even fuck your wife anymore. You're like, I blew up a cow. Like, just does nothing for me.

Yeah, I can't get hard. I put a grenade in a cow's ass, and nothing really does up your knee anymore. You're trying to stay hard on your wife, and you're like, I in and saw it in half slowly Cow being torn in half. I actually hate farm animals so much. I would love to detonate a barn Did all the animals inside? I'd love to like wire it with C4 and shit And then like stand a hundred yards away and watch the whole thing blow up and melt and like they're all all the cows and sheep

And goats and chickens. They're all the cows and sheep and goats and chickens, they're all running out and they're on fire. They've like lost like, remember when they blow up the house in Fury at the end? I wanna do that to a barn and they're all running out and they're on fire. Yeah, I wanna treat a chicken, pulls a gun out and like blows its head off.

Yeah. There's a rooster doing like that walk they do in movies when they're on fire. When they're on fire. It's very interesting that no one ever walks normal when they're on fire. When they're on fire. It's very interesting that no one ever walks normal when they're on fire. Yeah, they always hold them their damn hands. They always walk like they're in like really...

Yeah, they do like a very cinematic walk. Is cow tipping a real thing? No, it's not a real thing. No? You didn't know anyone did that growing up? Well, cows don't sleep standing up is the thing. Like, that's a myth. Oh, good. They sleep just like dog. They really

are exactly like dogs except we blow their heads off and eat them. It was crazy getting close to them. Like man they look pretty smart and they're very cute but I could give a fuck. I'm eating burgers for the rest of my life. Dude I just kept having a visual of me hitting a donkey with the ATV and it was making me laugh so hard. Just full speed just ramming a donkey with the ATV and it was making me laugh. So it's just full speed, just ramming a dog. Dude, there was that it reminds me when I saw the donkeys, they reminded me of that train video from India. Do you know the one I'm talking about?

No, it makes everyone watch. There's a, yeah, there's a train going full speed and it hits a donkey in the donkey just unfolds. And it's talking. And it's literally just staying there like chewing. It doesn't even try to move it, it just unfolds. But my friend Luke was having, he texted me, he's like, I'm having a really bad day. And I was like, what's the matter?

He's like, oh, this that and the other. I go, this will make you feel better, buddy. And I just, the dumb guy. And it just made him feel way worse. Oh, this that and the other I go this will make you feel better buddy and that's And it made him feel way worse what's great about the video is like the donkey's there and then it's a red mist And like there's kind of no difference. No, I mean like the before and after you're like, yeah I mean it was it had no like in her inner life It didn't really do anything like I don't know what donkeys really do besides like they beat the shit out of coyotes

when they come on the property. I asked Travis, I'm like, but what do they do? And he was like, they donkey, man. They just donkey. Apparently they like, they legitimately rape coyotes when coyotes come on the property. They stomp them out, they rip their heads off. They eat them and shit.

They don't eat them, but I think they. I do think it's funny to hate an animal because it lacks ambition. That's very funny No, I when I'm out in the middle of nowhere for too long All I start thinking about is how I can commit like genocide against nature All I want to do I see like a huge tree of like birds and squirrels. I'm like I should just light it on fire Oh, yeah, I should light the whole damn thing Daniel playing view vote for like bugs and flowers. I mean, I think the same way when I'm just at a crowded mall.

I just start to be like, God, I'd love to throw a Molotov cocktail into that shoe palace. Just watch everyone burn. I would love if we figured out that's a great way to stop school shootings in America, is we just let people like Ben just shoot up a bunch of cows one day. Yeah, oh, I would love to create electric chairs

for barnyard animals. Yeah. It would be funny to... I would love to have Death Row on the farm. Shane up a cow. You're doing the... Doing saw first. Yeah.

Dude, you know that old torture technique where they tie your limbs up to like four different cars With other horses what's the one where they put used to put people on the wheel and then they spin it and break every One of their the wrap the wrap Yeah, so you're it's like two wheels one is stable and your arms and legs are tied to the one that's stable And then they they turn the wheel until every single one of your limbs rips off as you're screaming and bleeding out. Man.

Yeah, I'd do that to a chicken. I'd actually love to go into a chicken coop and tie up one of the chickens, and then make it eat its egg. I'd take its baby and start putting it down its throat. There's other chickens like throwing up. Dude, imagine you're in chicken run. It's like the start of chicken run. The lady's just like, she's not a great owner. And then you buy the farm.

It's a wall soup grommet bench. Shows up and starts like raping chickens. I'm a chicken rapist. Yeah, fucking like making them eat their children. It's a wall. So grab a bench shows up and starts like raping chickens. The chicken. Fucking like set, like making them eat their children. So it turns into chicken. Ashwood. It's checklers list. You see, you see Ben with a rifle at the top of the barn, smoking a cigarette.

Aiming at the child of the barn smoking a cigarette They're trying to make like a run for it. I Just keep killing all of them. We're laughing so hard the idea of catching a bird and then blowing its head off It's that would rule that makes me laugh so hard Nobody I guess there's got to be a couple screwball farmers out there that are like Oh, yeah, they do it for the love of the game. Like they're not trying to make an honest living, they're not salt of the earth. They're legitimately running a concentration camp

with animals, because they're sick. It's like hostile. Yeah, I got a question. But also, why not have fun with it? You gotta cut the chickens head off anyway and just build a guillotine. That is actually a good point, Connor. That'd be making fun.

It's miserable already. Putting a chicken to a gui team would like brighten your day But I do love I do have your point been the idea of an old guy in overalls at the small town bar It's like now a lot of money. It's hard work, but the guy damn it. I just love murder I love killing and fucking things up. It's just my passion Yeah, I don't know that he goes up to a cow and he like he he bows up on it Like it like an Irish guy on a dock in like 1920 just starts He just starts punching the cow in the head just rocking it one two

He just he hits it for hours until it dies. He's just punching Cutting a cow How good would it feel to beat a cow to death with your bare hands? It really would be great. It would kick so much ass. He curb stomps a cow, drags it to a little piece of pavement.

I planted a key in this sheep's eye, chained it up, there's a bomb in the room, he's got 20 minutes to get the key. There's a little squirrel on the saw bike, just like I want to play a game. I actually, I don't like barnyard animals because they smell bad and they have like bugs on them. It pisses me off when they're around me.

I'm like, get away from, like when a sheep comes up to me, I'm like, fuck you. Immediately, immediately fuck you. When I see you. You're not cute at all. When I see a goat, I wanna stab a knife in its neck like Rambo. I hate goats.

That goat was like staring at us yesterday. It was very creepy. It's an evil piece of shit. They come up with their coin machine eyes. I fucking hate them. We were in the middle of the woods looking at a cross and then there was a goat just staring at us. It was really unnerving.

It was very like, yeah, very gothic and creepy. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to kill everything on that farm. I love to legitimately kill everything. I'd make them kill each other that farm. I love to legitimately kill everything. I'd make them kill each other too. I would like have two donkeys, I would tie ropes to a chicken, and then tie the ropes to a donkey, and then do the thing where then you smack the donkey on a task and it starts running and it rips the chicken and it rips the chicken apart.

You'd make banjo-kazooies and make them fight each other. You'd show them together. Yeah, you'd show a chicken to a dog and make it fight two donkeys with their heads. Yeah, just driving a forklift slowly into a cow. Two chai holes. This is kind of dark, but, and like obviously, like, obviously everything I just said is true and I want to do. Sure. But I would never lay a finger on a cat or a dog.

No, no. Obviously. But we do this guy growing up, Chase. I don't know if you remember this. Remember you had that really fat wiener dog? He was like the fattest wiener dog anyone's ever seen. He went to our school? Yeah, yeah.

A wiener dog that looks like a doctor's glove filled with water. Right. Like you blew up a doctor's glove. Right, he was trying to fan it up for hot dogs. He backed up in his big truck over the wiener dog. He didn't know it was in the driveway. And it literally exploded. Oh my god.

Which is so sad, but also so funny. Oh god. Like it popped like a balloon. It popped like a blip. Yeah. No, it popped like a tick. Like you squished a tick. Just a fat ass full tick.

Fuck. It like, it's so, I am also laughing just because it's so sad and tragic. Like I don't know. I think about it all the time, unfortunately. Oh no. I think about it like once a week. I've talked about it before. I'm one of these back country Texas roads.

I was driving to mom and dad's house. It was like midnight and a dog just ran in front of me and I hit it and it was the donkey video. It unfolded. That's so sad! I'm like, dude, I had to stop at a gas station and like wipe the window down. Like this dog, like I didn't even go back cuz I'm like there's not there's five pieces of this dog right now

And I used to dream about it for a little bit, but now I don't do it I don't give a fuck shit. I ran over a bunny once and I like I pulled over and like cried I want to kill myself. I hit a bird one time Like what they hit my windshield and I started crying so much, but I'm like don't we have an agreement here You're supposed to get the fuck out of the way. Yeah fly. I don't care about birds Birds if I could I really hate birds They're creepy when I was in high school on the baseball team This guy my team was like hey you want to see something cool and I go sure and he's holding a brick in his hand

He drops it and it lands on a lizard. And it just exploded. Dude, people are gonna be so upset about this episode. We're just talking about animal death. I were like the past 35. Should we move on to paper? No, no, no. You just don't lock them.

I completely forgot about this. I had a minnow I found and took to class when I was like in second grade and we were letting it change into a frog and it was my minnow and we called it legs and One day it grown Legs and over the weekend it hopped out of its thing. Oh, it's like a tadpole or whatever It was like a tadpole with like just little frog legs it hopped out of its little enclosure and dried up and died. And I was really fucking sad. And so we had a funeral for it.

And we buried it in the yard before recess. And then after recess, I saw some kindergartners over where we had buried it. I went over there, they dug it up and were pissing on it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Dude. And I was like, you know, as a second grader, I was like five, I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, I've ever really fucked up story that I told, I told podcast before, but my buddies, these two friends growing up who lived on a farm in Shadow Hills, have you heard the story? It doesn't matter. So they were dirt poor and this guy who owned this farm let their family live there if they did like, you know, ranch work or like farm work, you know? And I'm maybe like seven or eight years old and I had pet rats. They knew I liked rats. I had pet rats growing up and they wake me up at like 3 AM one night with a flashlight in my face. Two guys, they're like six years older than me. One's holding a handgun, the other one's holding a katana.

And they're like, get up, motherfucker, come with us. And I was like, where are we going? I'm so scared. And we walked these chicken coops, and there's a giant like, just like plywood like cover this thing. And they're like, hold this flashlight, stand right there, do not move.

And I was like, okay, whatever you guys say, cool older guys. And they lift up the wood and it's maybe 200 rats. And they just start unloading round after round and chopping them up with a samurai sword. It was like fruit ninja for rats, dude. Just blood everywhere and I'm scream crying because I'm like, these are my pets.

And I'm like, oh my God. And then they turn the gun at me. They're like, don't move, pussy. They was the worst. They pointed the gun at you. They pointed the gun at me. And we're like, stay right there, bitch. I can't believe this is real.

I swear to God this is real. It sounds like a nightmare. And then, here's the kicker. This is my favorite part of the story, is that we go back and I'm literally shell shocked. Like my eyes, I can't close my eyes. I'm shaking. It's like the worst thing I've ever seen and the oldest brother was

such a sociopath he could like tell I was upset so he goes hey man I can tell you're upset let me show you something fun though all right this will cheer you up and then he showed me cartoon porn of Princess Jasmine getting fucked by her tiger that's how he made it up to me. I was seven years old, I just watched 200 Rasket Massacred, and then he showed me Hentai. Dude, that's like what MK Ultra does to children. That could have like completely wiped your personality. How am I somewhat okay and normal? Those guys work for the CIA.

Yeah. Yeah, I just love that you grew up an alpha dog. It's so fine. I know, dude. Dad, when he was in town, he was like, every morning I'd make him coffee, and he would sit at the kitchen table, like Tommy Lee Jones at the Edumina Country for Old Men, just staring out the window. Yeah, because, but I haven't dreamed in 40 years. I'm so sad. I don't dream anymore My brain knows there's no fucking point. It's like you're just making coffee at that one point. He'll like he just starts talking He's just in an narrative with himself. Yeah, he was just like looking out the window and he goes

Yeah, there's a boy named Corey. I don't know if you remember him up in Clarendon, but One time these old boys came down there and they were talking a bit of Mesticori and he wasn't taking it from them. They want to leave him alone. So he bowed up on them and there was this little kitten walking by and he picked up the kitten and ripped its head off. And he threw the cat's body and the head at him. And then those boys never bothered him again.

I'm like, you want oat milk with this? Or I could put vanilla in it if you want. I love telling like that, and those boys never fucked with him again. Let that be a lesson to you, shut up, life gets hard, fuck up a kid. Fuck up a kid, the cat, Teddo. I go, man, Corey was like insane, right? And Dad nods, he goes, yep, he was pretty crazy. Yeah.

Saw him kill a gay guy once. He ripped his head off too. No, no, yep, he was pretty crazy. Yeah. Some killer gay guy once. He ripped his head off too. Don't know what I told the story wrong. It wasn't a cat. It wasn't a cat. It wasn't homosexual, man. We used to call fags kittens back, man. Because, because, well, what we do, they got that name,

because what we do if we found one, we'd all jack off in a saucepan and make him drink it like meh and we go eat shit back and then we cave their head in. But of course, of course this was different times. This was 2019. Yeah, that's fucking, that's brutal, man. I mean, dad, one time told us casually, like, I didn't know this, I think it was like 18 and dad was just like, we're telling like, we were talking about like, I don't know, like school stories. He goes, that reminds me,

there was a kid in my class who was really weird and one day he took a gun to school and shot the teacher in the head. It was like a 12 man school. It was a one classroom, 12 man school. There were five people in his class and like four in the others. Four in the other.

He lowered the population of the school by 10%. Yeah, so my dad just cashed, casually was like, oh, by the way, I watched a man's head explode one day. And they said he walked over to the... I tried to historically look it up and I couldn't find any record of it, but like everybody I've talked to, it's real. Yeah. From out there.

But it's like, it's like the first recorded school shooting. Right. Because it was like 1977. Yeah, what are they going gonna put in the newspaper? America happened, you know? Like small town America happened. He was a, we have a pioneer in town. A man with a vision lives here.

We should celebrate this day. But he said he walked across the street to the SodaFound shop and just had himself a Dr. Pepper. He went, so the guy, he was in the hallway with a gun. He's, I think it's his junior year, he's in my dad's class. He was just standing in the hallway with a gun. And then the principal saw him, he goes,

what the hell boy, you should be going there. Like it didn't even register, like people just had guns. They just had guns. He goes, son, gun day is Thursday. But anyway, then the guy turned around and shot him through the head and killed him immediately. And then he just put the gun in his waistline, walked across the street to the little corner store, and he looked at the proprietor, and he laid the gun on the counter, and he said, I've just shot the principal you need to call the police.

And then he sat down and waited for the police to come. And then when they came, they go, why did you do it? And he goes, the devil told me too. Okay, that was my follow-up question. What was the motivation? And my dad goes, so you need to go to church. Make sure you go to church, because if I'm at a weak service,

I want to blow y'all's heads off. Because it'll be my only escape from this hell I live inside. I love being out here. It really brings me back. You know, when you're out here in the middle of nowhere in Texas, we're so close to the epicenter of everything that happened to us, and the only memories that come back is like cats getting their heads ripped off. Like people being possessed by the devil and killing the mayor.

No, I literally had to thought, cause we're like, you know, we're driving and podcasting. Like if the local sheriff like pulls us over, he could just skull fuck all of us. And like literally nothing would happen. Do we literally have like Buford T justice walk up and boy be like, well, give me the pretty boy in the back Yeah boss suck my heart. Yeah, we try to offer a conner. We'd offer up Conner as a sacrifice

He's not remember the podcast you can have them. Yeah, I like them hairless I'm gonna pat him for a while before I fucking kill him What's gonna leash? We go him. He puts me on a leash. We go, sir, he's real smooth like, he's real smooth like down there, sir. I'm gonna come on his glasses. And Sheriff pulls us over, he goes, I'm gonna define you fellas for a seeking consent

from a lady back in Bachelors. I heard tell you asked you if she was into what you were about to do. We heard that a few counties back, a woman didn't scream in an experience with you. We heard back at Trump Burger you used the word economics. And we don't care for that fancy gay shit down here. We can tell you took pictures ironically. We can tell it's ironic.

I mean one of your boys wearing big gay orange sunglasses like Elton John What the world come to yes the woman what she wants No consent for old men Is this car gonna go around you Now jason's rolling down the window and waving He's gonna pull up beside us. And it's literally a giant chicken. Yeah.

I wave him right into this truck coming and he dies. It's another four guys podcasting. Yeah. We drive. We see an old dirty Jeep. And there's an old man podcasting behind it. Have a good one, sir. Wow.

Have fun at your clan rally. We see a kind of old clan. Have fun. Thriving a dodge dart. I just told the story that we just added it out of the podcast. Yeah, that wasn't true, by the way. It wasn't true.

Yeah, yeah. But in the story, Jace was really cool. Yeah, I was really cool. He told a story about me getting too much pussy too often. And I was like, dude, I told them I'm sad. They've got to believe me. Fuck. Yeah, the story about Jace punching a Nazi in the face

and getting his dick sucked. Yeah. I don't want to. I want him to think I'm on well butchering and a loser. I do kind of miss those stories from 2016, back when comics used to make a best stuff where they'd be like, I was at a bar in Silver Lake and the grand wizard of the KKK rolled up and I said, uh, eat shit dickhead and I held them down and I punched and everybody was around me cheering going, go, go, go, go, go, go, and the mayor came and gave me a big check

for $10,000. Dude, remember there was like a literal article, like an expose about how Kumeil Nanjiani and Thomas Middletitch were called a cuck at a bar in Silver Lake? By Trump supporters. Yes, because Trump had just won. There's a dog, should I hit it? Literally a gold retriever.

Oh my God. Standing in the middle of the road. Dude, taking its time too. Well, the dogs out here are begging to get killed. Oh yeah. You'll drive by dogs and they'll be like, Koo-moo! Koo-moo!

Please! Please! No, every dog you see is essentially just escaped the Texas Chainsaw Mascar House. It's about to get eaten by its owner. Yeah, but Kumail and uh... Yeah, Thomas Middletish. They read that gate bar and stuff like... They got interviewed because somebody called them a cuck.

Yeah, and they're like, it's scary what Trump's like doing to this country. Dude, it's really scary out there. We're not safe. Meanwhile, Thomas Middleditch was like, you know, holding a woman down at like nice point in the bathroom, supposedly. He was doing Chinese voice. It's not safe out there. People might accurately identify you. We won't. Thomas Middleditch was like, he called me a cuck. I'm just opening my marriage and getting divorced because of it. We're kind of at the end of the episode here, actually.

How long have we done? I think before we stopped recording, we were like 15, and now we're at like 45. OK. I like looking at all the pumpjacks. Don't you love the damn pumpjacks? They're beautiful, aren't they? Just big rusty sons of bitches pulling everything out of the earth to kill us all.

Look at them. As long as you see that pump jack swinging you know that the wheel of death keeps turning. Yep. And knowing because that pump jack exists, a guy named like Jack Hitler is now a U.S. Senator. Jack Hitler. In Texas. I was with the S for a second. I'm like, are pump jacks pulling oil out of a ground? Or is it water? And I'm like, there's no way it's water. No. It's Texas.

There's no way it's water. No, they're like, we found an aquifer of code red. We're going to pull out. We're pumping Gatorade. Yeah, we're going to pull out red. They look at soda prices here. Like it's oil drum prices. Like it's Alcada, but there's like an ocean of Pepsi for anything.

They're like damn Biden, I can't even afford the Mountain Dew Hawaiian punch combo. I'm supposed to pick like a goddamn Muslim. I gotta drink that now like a queer. I guess I gotta drive this over, they can call Koumail a cuck. That's what this country's going to. It's so funny to be like, no, that guy thinks I'm a cuck because he loves Trump. It's not because I am a cuck and I suck ass. It's so funny that, by the way, Koumal, non-Giani,

is, did you guys see he was going to therapy now? Yeah, because the reviews for Eternals was right. Because he turned his body into a factory farmed cow for the last three years. He has like, it like, roided up, like, full body, and then for a movie that nobody cared about. He has the body of those cows that genetically modified to like, miss a chromosome.

He looks like a giant tomato at a shitty grocery store. And for a movie no one saw. And now all those people that are in the Marvel movies just keep doing interviews like, yeah, it's tragic that art is dead and I have to keep flying in the sky and doing shitty things in movies. They all have no respect for the Marvel movies.

I love that everyone's come to reality moment with the Marvel movies. They do their first non-Marvel movie in 10 years. And they're like, it was actually fun. Yeah. I felt like I was creating something. Yeah, they go, there was a script.

I had to learn to read for this one. Yeah. Kumail said he has like a lot of trauma from like, from making millions of dollars and being like a sex symbol in a Marvel movie. He has like trauma for that. He really said he has trauma. Which is funny, considering especially because he's from Pakistan. Like he's not from, like it's not like he's from like Switzerland or something, you know what I mean? To be fair, he did have a slave in Pakistan. That's actually true. He had a slave who sat on the floor.

Like dude, like statistically, yeah. That's a real thing. I remember a very old interview where somebody was like, didn't you have a slave in Pakistan? And he was like, what did, did, did, did, did, did, but he did. Well, then he also tried to defend anything. Like, no, it was like kind of normal, right? Isn't that part of the interview?

Or he's like, that was like a normal thing to have. Like it was a port. Like there's like levels of people in Pakistan. Yeah. Like if you were rich enough, you had a person who did everything and they weren't allowed to like, they ate at the table, but they had to sit on the floor

while everybody else was in chairs And they like couldn't they were in a lot of beds stuff like that and they ate the scraps that fell off their plates Imagine having like 30 million dollars you live in Hollywood. You're in the superhero movies and like you're you're you like have trauma But like you grew up in a call of duty map Yeah, I have trauma because of the AV club, so the turnoff was a little slow. Yeah. Like, were you actually oppressed from this thing?

Like, what is going on, actually? I don't really know. Yeah, I also love the thing of like, you know, I'm just sad that people don't respect me after I've made decisions that are extremely disrespectful to society and the world at large. I'm gonna kill myself. People saying Stuber wasn't very good. I can't believe I filmed myself eating my own shit and people think I suck now.

What the world is unjust. I don't respect the- here's the least respectable thing of all time. Guy who's jacked who plays video games. It pisses off. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it really fucking pisses me off Also Camille was so funny when he was like getting into good shape because he would just go on talk shows and be like I have a cake once a month, and I want to kill myself every day. Yeah people like what? I mean I'm not supposed to live like that. It's fucked up. It's so great No one saw the movie. Yeah, and he has trauma over that and I saw it. It's stunk. Yeah. Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, I mean, how is it going to be chemistry if everybody that's being filmed is just standing in front of a green screen looking at like a tennis ball on a traffic cone? I mean, also didn't they make him Indian in the movie? Am I making that up? Yeah, he is Indian in the

movie. He's like a Bollywood star. Hell yes. Also, it's so funny. He's like never once shirtless. Like he got so jacked and he's literally wearing like a long sleeve superhero outfit the entire time and he shoots lasers out of his fingertips. That is his superpower. He's from Pakistan, right? I think so, yeah. So they made him Indian in the movie, which means his whole family probably got murdered for being in that movie.

Because they hate each other, Indian and Pakistan. Yeah, I hated that movie so much. they should have called that one the big sick Very good. I was walking out of the theater feeling nauseous It's not because his family was huffing jankum the whole time Let's smoke a blood of some jankum get into the theater like it's snacks. Let's smoke a Blonison Jankham. Yeah. It'd be, if I ever like walked into like Mel's like diner or whatever in like Hollywood

and like Judd Apatow and Kumail or like sitting there, I would walk past them and be like and just like, like yeah fucking bitch. And then Joe would flinch like a bitch. Yeah. Judd would tweet, he could have killed me. He could have killed me. Judd fucking sucks, fuck yeah. I hate you, make it Judd after every... He went on a press, he went on like a world tour after Louis got canceled.

Just to spread the word about how Louis is rapist. He was raping crowds with his stand up, so let's say it's even... He's locking the doors of comedy clubs, blocking the door. Everyone stay. I'm glad he's finally making documentaries telling me what it was like to get on Carson in the 80s. Yeah.

He's just making documentaries where somebody goes, you have to understand, if you were on Carson, that was a big deal. And I'm like, whaa. Do you think his jokes are two hours too long too? He had a special right on Netflix. Yeah. Did you watch it?

Anyone watch it? He goes on stage and has Paul Rudd fuck his wife. The crowd is losing it. Yeah, I watched one of his specials once. It's just he's like in a suit and you know, it's like, you know, I can't even you just I turn those things on and then like I blink and it's like it's like it's February. I'm like what happened like how I'm like it's 2024 February. I'm podcasting in a car like what's going on like I'll come to I'll turn on a jet apatow Like special and I'll like come to in a different life. Yeah

I was in college. I was like what I just met my girlfriend. We're the kid now. What's going on? It's it's like fucking take an ayahuasca or something Yeah, look at this fucking train. Yeah, you're just gonna wait on trains here Just corn syrup. Yeah, these trains are just here so people who live here can kill themselves with them That's the only reason they're here for guys who look like The bad guy from James Bond Jaws to stick their giant melon under a wheel The guy trying to like jump onto the train just to blow his brains out Because he was late and it couldn't hit him

I'd be a train enthusiast if I lived in Europe, but here trains just stop traffic for three hours. Yeah. And they're also carrying chemicals that if this train derails we will like all turn into big skeletons holding microphones. Mm-hmm. Man, trains go so slow. I actually don't like trains. They suck. They're realizing. They suck.

And trains fucking stink. Ugh. And that's the guy that fucking had to pass us. Oh, I'm on I'm in a rush. I gotta get to another town with nothing to do Yeah with a sign for like elect Ted Faggot for Congress For the 160th wants district For the 160th-wanth district. Shangardini's a fucking retard. Shangardini's a fucking sex, fuck him. Dammy-Pope's a druggy. Dammy-Pope's a druggy.

Just ten and two in the middle of nowhere, Texas. Like, I can't believe they ended swabby. Yeah, Gardeen left big Chrissy behind. He's a fucking PC shit. People we all like, people we all like. Yeah, dude, I love that one. That's why it's so funny. It's just a guy, it's a writer or farmer in the middle of nowhere. Just being like, the podcast has gone downhill.

Loading barrels of hay. Just like I swear to God, if Michael Raney tweets about getting pussy again, I'm gonna kill him. I liked him better when he was on Perks. It is, I would say, in summary of the Texas trip, it was interesting to run into people that we've only said bad things about on the show. Incredibly bizarre.

And then they came up and shook our hands and told us that the show is great and that they love the sketches. Yeah. Absolutely. And then we all like the fakest pieces of shit to ever live. Smiled and said, oh, thank you so much. It's great to see you. I actually look up to you, man.

Thank you so much. And then we went to our second live show and you started saying how you want them to die That's right That's what I do. I'm a big coward I'm a big coward and capable of being honest with anybody and I'm full of rage and hate I'll lie to anyone's face and then I'll turn around and I'll say fuck that guy. I hope he dies Also someone I love them. I'm a big fan, I'll pick out a joke specifically I like, then I'll turn around and I'll go,

I hope he fucking gets cancer and dies. And then if they, and then if they confront you like, hey I heard that thing, you go, oh dude it's just comedy, like I love you dude, the fans get that and they be like, it was in comedy. Fuck him.

I hope everybody knows gets brain cancer and fucking explodes. And then you're like, dude, saw the special great shit. It's also funny when you run into a person who just like, isn't in comedy and is a fan of it. And they'll be like, Oh, what about so-and-so? I go, I fucking hate them. I hope they die.

And they go, why? And I go, dude, you're a fucking idiot. I hope you die. Yeah. I even know I can't like eloquently explain anything. I'm just like, dude, don't be a fucking, don't you? Don't be a fucking asshole to me right now. Yeah.

Yeah. The amount of guys who walked up there like, dude, do you like Mike Jones? I'm like, I don't like myself. Let alone any other comedian. Yeah, sometimes I do feel crazy because I'm like, everyone, but me and my friends suck ass. Yeah.

But we suck ass too. Absolutely. I think we're actually, we're all pretty cool, right? Yeah, I guess. But I guess we're like're all pretty cool, right? Yeah, I guess But I guess we're like a very we're like caddy bitches. I guess for sure. We are pretty gay We're like really fucking gay. Well, that's what's funny, too Is like like we make fun of retarded people on the show constantly like this whole trip all we've done has been retarded Dude, we've been doing donuts around donkeys in the middle of nowhere on four-wheelers like saying like faggot like it makes no sense

We've literally what if we haven't been making knives or flipping off donkeys. We've been just talking shit Yep, yeah, we're bad people. We had a great week and we're now doing an episode. We're like this fucking state sucks ass There's nothing to do. We had no fun. Well, we ran out of people talk shit about we start talking about shit about animals Well, we ran out of people to talk shit about. We started talking about shit about animals. Yeah, yeah, please. That was a desperate, our brain's gonna... Here's another thing about sheep. Dude, we literally, we ran out of people to talk shit about

and it was like we were trying to name guys from the 90s in VA. Like we were just like, Nick Van Exe and we're like, oh yeah, fuck him. Pull up a clip of that cow. He sucks. We walked around, we wanted to see the Charles Whitman clock tower where he killed all those uh, uh, people, all those college students. And uh, we were just, we were all walking around, all four of us talking like cat Williams. That's what we did for like two, we are literally

so fucking stupid. We were doing another. Like we're for like two. We are literally so fucking stupid. Yeah We were walking around 19 year old college students being like Shannon shop I invented arithmetic We were doing schizophrenic cat Williams for nine hours And eventually we done him so much that the accent became Shannon Shawshank Redemption. Shannon Shaw, I'm Rosa Pax. Oh, man.

We did Cat Williams all day. Yeah, then we did Cat Williams doing anything. Like, I invented AIDS. Shannon, I am hit there. And Corey Hock comes a retard. Ricky Smiley needs to be exposed. He's spiky. Here's the thing, Shannon.

Slappy Johnson's not who he says he is. Slappy Johnson is a fried and I invented slitterbound. I invented the water slide that goes up Shannon job. I have debilitating schizophrenia. I'm one of the greatest crimes of all time and my brain is popcorn. And I'm Cat Williams. I'm Cat Williams, baby.

We've declared him the funniest man alive. He is the goal. Simultaneously, he's severely mentally ill. And everything he says is probably a lie. He goes, Gary Owens is cheating on his wife and I got my ass beat by children. I am the kids who beat my ass, Shannon. I am all five of those teenagers, Shannon. Those three boys dressed up in a trench coat and now they're Cat Williams, who is me,

and has schizophrenia. I beat my own ass, Shannon. Shannon chopped the government's trying to steal my teeth and put messages in my brain. I'm Cat Williams. And then white guys in Subway be like, I fucking love Cat Williams. I like him.

I can run a 4.2 in one second. Shannon's shop, time goes faster for me than it does for most people. I'm schizophrenic Cat Williams. I'm schizophrenic Cat Williams. I'm Cat Williams and they don't let me keep shoelaces on my feet. Well, it's been a great Texas trip.

I think Connor turned to us at one point. It was like, this is the most fun I've ever had. For real, dude. This was so much fun. I think I can meet everybody, see everybody, shout out to the guy who brought Red Dive 40 to the Houston show. Yeah, honestly, everybody. It was cool to meet everyone in person,

because I recognized the user names and everything. Yeah, everyone's been really, really good. Everybody came out, and it was very funny, because on stage, we were making fun of them just to do a comedy show. And then they would do the meeting groups. We'd be like, they'd come up, they'd be like, I'm so sorry, I'm fucking.

And we'd be like, dude, thank you so much for coming out. Dude, and I've been having a blast doing stand-up for an audience that you trained to hate stand up comedy. It's been really fun. The second I get up there, like, he said this before, we can tell it sucks. He's Carney. And shout out to those guys we hung out with after the Houston show. They were really cool.

They just get this. Yeah. So on Friday on Patreon, it's going gonna be the live podcast with Shane in Austin where we make people put on diapers and we have a muckbanger on stage shout out to Eli Shout out to everybody that came to the Austin store shout out to fucking spanky from the little rascals who came So many so many people drove from Canada. Yeah, people from like oh got people drove thousands of miles for that show It was a guy drove 2000 miles yeah that was crazy but god bless everyone patreon.com slash lemon party for an extra episode every week Connor McNutt

where can people find you my good sir 429 a boy on Instagram that's it and it Conner's very funny stand-up you should should go see his monthly live show in Los Angeles. Oh yeah, right. Yeah, the next one is... I got it buddy. When does this come out? Tuesday? It comes out on Tuesday. Perfect, yeah. So next Saturday, February 17th, MKM Cultural Arts Center in North Hollywood. Yeah, that's the video where we'll be doing the live lemon party too. Same venue. I like the venue when I went to...

And sometimes me and Devon go to the Connor show and we hang out Yeah, and and we and we and we hope there's some very hateful people there that we can talk to after yep Yep, yep. Yep, so we can be like let me tell you a little thing or two about our issue fear sit down Let me tell you let me expose your favorite comic real quick Let me expose your favorite comic real quick. Oh, you love that guy? I'm going to ruin your whole reality. Yeah, everyone follow Connor McNaught. He's a very funny stand-up.

We all, we started with him, and we've stayed very good friends with him for a long time just because he's so goddamn funny. Thanks, buddy. And we just love him, And he's a great man. Devon at Hate Watch Pod. Yes. Jay Sad Sad Drawings by Jayce. Thanks everybody for coming out. We're going to plan.

You can start by asking us to come places. We're planning another tour here in a few months to the East Coast. Do a little East Coast run. See maybe do some podcasts over there too. Some people you guys have been asking us to do East Coast. Do a little East Coast run, see maybe do some podcasts over there too. Some people you guys have been asking us to do pods with. And trying to think of anything else here boys, I think that's just about it. Yeah, I think that's it.

Yep, I think that's it. We're on our, we're on our, we got two more hours to Fort Worth. And I want to swing by Dealey Plaza. I want to see where they killed John F. Kennedy where they blew his head off and Then we got it then we got a perform in front of the Super Bowl second half What a what a giant projector behind us playing the Super Bowl as we do a podcast in the banquet Kennedy spoke at before they killed It'd be great if Travis Kelsey got paralyzed today.

Anyway guys, patreon.com slash living party, false on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or whatever, and we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Music you