lemonparty - 069: fat kid glory days

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 I'm on the light wheel. Always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best reason. What's that? Fruity Tootie. Extravagootie. What is that? That's the IHOP commercial. Oh, yeah. It's the Rudy Tootie, Fruity Tootie, Extravagootie at IHOP.

Are we recording, Ben? Yeah, yeah, we're rolling. No, that was literally, we were driving, and were you playing? I couldn't, I was playing them like it was a mixtape. You were playing

restaurant jingles. I was playing IHOP's song, I was playing Two Whopper Juniors for just five dollars, BK's, and we were laughing just at how,

it really shows how retarded everyone is. They're like, the IHOP jingle is like, eat it, beg it, kill yourself, and eat it, beg it. it really shows how retarded everyone is. They're like the IHOP jingle is like, eat it, beg it, kill yourself and eat it, beg it. Like to the tune of like Farrah Shaka. The funniest thing was when I played it and I was like, this was posted a month ago.

It has 23 million views. 23 million views. That means people were like screaming at a Cowboys game and they're like oh wait that rocks let me go check that out that jingles actually pretty nice that rules is that boy genius did that

because that kicks ass my gay daughter listens to them dude commercials are just it's you realize like that's art for a lot of people. It really is. It's art. That's a great way to put it. People are like, damn, this jingle kicks ass.

The comments on the Rudy Tutti Fresh, we were crying. Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity Extravaganza. Extravagooty. Yeah. So it was the best jingle I heard in a minute. That's like a sincere comment. Yeah. Demi's been real quiet since this drop

like they have like wars going on like there's people like on the streets they're like what's your set they're like i'm ihop yeah i run denny's this crew this is a banger for some reason yeah the amount of us who like black comments on it is very weird yeah 23 million views in a month the amount of people who like man i hop rudy tootie is a vibe damn i'm actually really impressed someone understood the assignment we're we're becoming so retarded we have to talk in meme words now but you feel like a guy's like busting inside his wife And he goes Somebody understood the assignment Somebody comes and goes That shit got me like whoa

That shit got me like Yo Emoji face with his eyes popping out My penis is like whoa Whoa Like yo Like My eggplant went like water

Yeah That peach emoji Got me like eggplant water emoji Yo like my wife's peach Is so sick Yeah Sometimes like. Yo, like my wife's peach is so sick. Yeah. Sometimes when I'm with my wife and she makes me really happy, I feel like the hundred emoji. She makes me, in his vows, he's like, you make me feel hundred emoji, weed smoke emoji, leaf emoji.

When you get naked, my tongue comes out And my eyes are hearts Sometimes shit Don't tell None of my friends But sometimes I'll turn into The drooly Smiley Tongue out emoji

With my head Kind of cocked to the side I love the Rooty Tooty Fresh and fruity Rooty Tooty Fresh and fruity Extravagooty

Someone Earnestly commenting On the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity. Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity Extravaguti. Someone earnestly commenting on the Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity commercial comment section saying, this is so catchy and it's my favorite commercial now. I need to go to IHOP right away. Yeah. Like someone watched this on their TV and then they turned the TV off, stood up, grabbed their car keys and got in the car. They immediately left their home.

People who are so dumb, advertising immediately works on them. Immediately. They're like, I should eat the pancake. People are checking the AMC app to see if the Rudy Tootie commercial's playing. People are so stupid, they think the TV is their internal

thoughts. They don't have a bilateral mind and they think words they hear are the voice of god oh we got coming out of the television we gotta play it for people by the way yeah yeah watch this is this is the one thing that nukes our channel is the yeah the faggots eat free commercial it's a great goddamn jingle ben i was playing it in the car like I'm gonna burn this Kill yourself and eat it Get your dick sucked at the IHOP Eat it and kill yourself People are like

This song low key A vibe This song slaps Alright here we go Fresh and fruity Cup Tootie Tootie, Jam, Tootie,

Gooty, Rudy, Tootie, Extravaganza, baby. $7 pancake combo. That's great. And there's this 35-year-old man turning to the wife and being like, Can I get this Fruity Extravaganza? To have like a quesadilla that they pour syrup on.

Yeah. They walk into IHOP and they go, can I have the commercial food? Can I have it from this? And they point at their phone. I want this, please. Can I have the eat it, faggot, come on. Can I have the quesadilla, eat it, faggot.

I was watching the blue collar comedy to a right again on Walmart TV. Because I have a TV. The government gave me a TV to make me extra retarded. And I took a picture of it. I took a picture of the pancakes I want. These people are like, my favorite rapper is the BK guy. The king with the crown.

Somebody commented, this John slaps. This John. Yeah, they're using like South Florida, like urban dictionary language. This is like a fucking super prison is typing these comments. I got this new John down it.

Uh-huh. It's the guy from Hustle & Flow is like composing this. There's a microphone hanging off a wire hanger these people are so dumb that like they don't know what deja vu is so like when it happens to them they think they can see the future right they're like i have powers their their dad comes to visit them and like you low-key like look mad familiar but yo like i feel like i've been in this situation before like i think i got superpowers and shit they're like you know what's low-key a vibe is i just figured out

like if i can't see something it might still exist and that's when shit like i unlock shit oh it's based on an old commercial did they just rip off a song oh they ripped off an old iHop commercial you have a great breakfast at the International House of Pancakes restaurant. Oh, it sounds similar. I'll have the Rudy Tootie. Oh, interesting.

This is like Kanye when he made 808s and Heartbreak. I'll have the Rudy Tootie. Two eggs, two bacon, two sausage, two food top pancakes, strawberry, blueberry, peach, or cinnamon apple.

Yeah, it looked like food at one point. People just love the breakfast. I'll have the Rudy Toot point. People just love the breakfast. I'll have the rooty-tooty. They just hate the name. And then they have a German woman in the... I mean, tits pushed up. That commercial makes...

The first commercial makes that look like Don Draper made this one. Yep. Like, Don Draper was in a boardroom like, what if we have a guy with a paper bag on his head? They got Mrs. Doubtfire in it and shit. What if an old bitch is in disguise to eat the pancakes? What if it's an old lady wearing Marx Brothers glasses? What if we had Hitler's granddaughter in the commercial and she was in a disguise?

She had a big fat tits and there was a peach on a pancake. Yeah. And now it's just Andre in a boardroom being like, what if we made slop for retards? What if their new commercial is just them hitting a big dinner bell like pigs get fed with? It's called Baja Blast. It's blue. It's blue. It makes you infertile.

If you like monster trucks, you'll love this. It'll make your nuts fall off. Two Whopper Juniors for just five dollars. Kill yourself and suck off your father. Fuck you and kill you. Kill the president. Obey the government. Make sure to consume and buy stuff.

Dude, it's 27 million views. I can't reiterate it enough. There's 27 million views. It went up four million views from when we checked it in the car IHOP has 47,000 subs By the way People love this commercial People love this so much

They're subscribing to the IHOP YouTube channel 27 million views 700 likes As many likes as one of our podcasts Yeah Brutal That's crazy. Rooty tooty, fresh and fruity, extravagooty.

There's so many people in their car like they have this on loop. They're just driving in circles being like I wish we had IHOP. I want to get my friends to come into the car. I got like a cool like Coupe de Ville and shit. And I go like check this shit out and it's just a 1-800 general now we're just driving around a parking lot smoking

bloods bouncing up and down yeah you ever heard this shit yeah hey hey homie you want to hear some shit you want to hear some straight this john's fire and then you put a cd and it goes 1-800 empireEMPIRE. I want to see if people are remixing. Is there a Chopped and Screwed, the general car insurance? They made a new general. It actually kind of pisses me off. They made a kid general. Chopped and Screwed.

Well, I'm seeing if there is a... Oh, here we go. 1-800... Oh, this is the... Is that the suicide song that Logic made? Oh, that's retarded. Damn, I was hoping there was a screwed and chopped. Maybe there's a BK have it your way chopped and screwed.

There's an in the air tonight chopped and screwed. That's actually probably got to kick ass. BK have it your way. BK have it your way. Oh, do you, I just remember, do you remember Travis was playing Fleet Fleetwood Mac's rumors for us on 33 33 rpm and I said you genuinely I was like I finally get chopped and screwed Yeah, it makes sense to me. Yeah That was actually like a I was having like a mushroom trip moment when he when he was playing Fleetwood Mac Yeah, slow like the wheel is playing. Yeah, you're like, oh shit this like I want to do drugs and oh

I want to do this and listen want to do lean and listen to fleetwood mac i want to abandon my children and drink lean while i listen to this you guys had like a seven hour conversation about jacking off while i was preparing for the live show you guys talked about beating off till maybe four in the morning like your eyes were red did we and you're like but alexis texas she she brought some different shit to the game let's be real that's true you guys like held court about porn. We did. No irony whatsoever.

We did do fire. We did the Dick Cavett show for jacking off. And it honestly ruled. It was amazing. We were really letting it out. I'm sick of the shit that porn gets. I'm sick of everyone acting like need to get away from it. Let's be honest.

It's the best thing that's ever existed on Earth. It's the only thing that keeps us going. and i these these women should be given medals they should be given the medal of honor yep every year i truly think gianna michaels should be on the supreme court they should meet the president like when you win an all-star like when you win a championship and they all fuck him they should fuck i want i want alexis texas grinding joe biden's dick off of his body. Back in the day, I used to look them up to make sure they're doing okay. I'd be like, well, I haven't seen her in a while.

Is she all right? You're like, oh, she hung herself in a hotel room. Or she does real estate in Tucson now. Good for her. Good for her. Connor, at one point, we were talking. I was like, dude, my favorite porn star. I don't know if anybody's heard of her.

Her name's Siri. And then Connor was like, dude, I fucking love Siri. favorite porn star I don't know if anybody's heard of her her name's Siri and then Cara was like dude I fucking love Siri and then we like we like did like the predator high five well you guys are acting like like these people hang out like at low end theory and like have like uh like their own mixtapes and stuff you guys were talking like b-side pussies yeah yeah and cock I was like have you ever seen her like 2017 work like that's the best like when she was at her fattest, and her jugs were huge. There's truly nothing gayer than the guy that thinks he's becoming a samurai by cutting out porn.

No fap, guys. You're a fucking faggot. Porn kicks ass. It's tits. It's ass. It's cum. It's cum shots. It's fucking everything we want, and you're gonna pretend it's like killing you

those guys shut up they always cave by the way oh they stink right they suck my ass they always relapse on jacking off and they and they post their relapse on reddit it's very funny and they'll go like made it 97 days brother and i just succumbed like they're in a foxhole and they're not even germany they're not even christian they don't even believe in there's a heaven and they're not why are they doing they're not going nofap to get pussy more they're not getting no right it's not like they're like oh i want to like make more cum for my wife's pussy they're just like no i have to get better at coding so i'm not jacking off anymore they just want to get high t so they get really good at hating women. Yeah. They're taking testosterone supplements to log in faster

and hate women more and be more racist. I was jacking off so much I couldn't even tell AOC to kill herself. There was three tweets in a row I didn't tell her to kill herself. So that's why I'm becoming a nofap warrior. The nofap guys,

their hands turn into like paws. Like their fingers stop working. They try to grab cups like this. It's like they're constantly taking stuff out of the oven. They have mittens. They just have mitten hands. Turn into like crab pinchers. No, I've never gripped anything in my life.

And they literally post like, my vision has gotten better since I quit jacking off like what are you talking about you're retarded by the way for nothing like they live in shit they have seven roommates they post on reddit about how like their roommate like ate all their frozen meals that week but like not jacking off is like taking them to the top right no they're literally going like yeah so i not jack off i meal prep and it's all in preparation to have more time not having friends or loved ones in your life the what they don't understand is that they were masturbating for 14 or 15 hours a day uh not only because it's awesome right but they don't have anything else to

do that if there was other stuff to do they just want to jack off don't take stuff out make your life not wanting to put a gun in your mouth people that have shit to do love porn they just have their shit and they do it they jack off and then they move on right these people are like porn's killing me it's because they watch it all day for like fucking like recreation like it's the equivalent of them taking a walk around the park. It's insane. You're supposed to do it and get it out. No, they do it like they're taking, like, a long bath. They ask their roommates, like, you need the bathroom?

I'm going to go watch porn for three hours. And then they take it out on porn. And all these beautiful people that do it for us, that ruin their lives, and they can never be respected again in any other field. Because they fucking did something for you. They did the only thing anyone's ever wanted. The only thing anyone's ever wanted out of anybody is to get naked and get fucked for our pleasure. And we just go online and go, you're a fucking whore.

Fuck you, Mia Khalifa, you bitch. It's disrespecting the flag. You should be saluted. I'm not kidding Fuck you, Mia Khalifa, you bitch. It's disrespecting the flag. You should be saluted. I'm not kidding. I watched Mia Khalifa get shit on by the country. You whore. How dare you have an opinion, you fucking big-titted breetard. You think we forgot?

I like that rooty-tooty right there. And I read it, and I go, yeah, you whore. And then I open up a new tab and I jack off. It would be a Kalima clip. Because thank God for these whores. They are doing a bit more service than the United States military. Truly. And we're just screaming baby killer at them as they get off a bus from Vietnam.

Yep. They're all standing on a freeway off ramp like fucking Lieutenant Dan with big tits. If it wasn't for them, we'd all be out on the street with big swords cutting each other's necks open. The worst part about porn is the men.

The men are rough. You go, well, they must be deranged. The women are lovely angels. The men are sick. I've met porn stars. They're very sweet ladies. They're very sweet.

Have you met a male porn star? Never have. Never met a guy. Because that guy's crazy. And you're also gay you're gay you're really gay yeah everyone sees i kind of feel that way i don't care how big your dick is you're a fucking you're letting a bunch of guys jack off every guy is seeing your dick you want guys to imagine you and you're having your penis you should be like oh no i don't want anyone to see this yeah you

know what's what's even gayer than letting people see your dick people are seeing your ass and your balls at the same time which is actually the gayest thing you can do yeah people are seeing your ass there's a guy with a big camera from the undershot from the undershot and they're getting a shot of your balls and your asshole your balls pounding the ass

and it's making a drum noise yeah it's like really like gay of them but you know we do need a dick. I don't watch... You don't really. I'm not one of those guys in middle school that's like, I only watch lesbian porn. Nothing with dicks in it.

Yeah, if I see a dick, I'll fucking kill myself. Because I'm a closeted homosexual. I'm terrified I might be gay. Yeah, I've looked at porn where I go, where it looks like my dick. I'm like, hell yeah gay Yeah I've like looked at porn where I go I want it to like where it's like Looks like my dick I'm like hell yeah dude Normal dick this is great porn He's giving it to her

I think you were there was almost a tear in your eye Like 3am I like looked over Up from my index cards I was writing like racist Monologue jokes on and I was like Look at him go he's like You had like a tear in your eye and you were like I love fans getting fucked. That's my shit.

Because you go, that's me. They're fucking me. I go, that's my dick right there. That normal dick, it sucks. You go, oh, he's coming immediately. There's nothing better than a fuck a fan. You love a fuck a fan. I love a fuck a fan.

When the guy comes early, and the women make fun of him, I go, that's me, baby. You finally saw yourself represented. Yep. And a bunch of guys kick him out of the van. They go, get out of here, fan. It transfigured some deep loneliness for Devin in his teen years to see a fuckafan.

I used to come home on the bus from school, and the whole time I'd be preparing to jack off at home. Like I was setting up an event. I'd be like, all right,

I'm going to get, I'm going to warm up the banana peel. I got some rubber bands. Were you really doing that? Yeah, I did. Were you really doing that? I'd fuck my couch.

You'd fuck fruit. I would fuck my couch. Devin was like Larry Flint as a 12 year old Devin was like into Harry Bush I was so fat and miserable I'd buy a combo box of Chinese food you know a combo A

it's three items with chow mein and fried rice and then I'd get three items and I'd have that waiting there on the table and i'd have that waiting there on the table we all get combo way buddy and i'd fuck my couch like i would would you smoke weed i'd steal condoms from goodwill and like or out of the closet the place that like uh the gay aids it's for aids or no it's not it's against aids but they raise money for raise money to give gay people aids to give AIDS to people.

I would steal condoms from there and then I would fuck my couch and I'd set up like a little like pussy in my couch and then I'd have my combo box

of Chinese food next to it on the table and it would be like dinner and a movie for me. I can imagine you also really trying to fuck the shit

out of your couch. Like you're giving your couch back shots. It was the first time I knew what like thrusting was like. I'm like, I would, I, my friends would be like, I've never had sex. I'd be like, dude, you're a fag, dude. I fucking. I fuck my couch every day. But you like, you like thrusting, like your feet are coming off the ground.

You're going up on your toes and kind of. I'm walking around the house like my knees are weak. I'm like, whew, that was crazy. Would you ask your mom to get bananas at the grocery store so you could do this? No, no, no, no. I'd only do it when I knew they were gone for like six, seven hours. Also, I gotta ask, as a fat kid,

were you eating the banana or were you just throwing it in the trash? No, I hated fruit. Are you kidding me? I was fat. You'd be like, fuck that. I'd be like, what even is this shit? get out of here give me that sweet lo mein I can't fuck it

so it's gone exactly I hated fruit do you remember the exact amount of time you would microwave it because I'm assuming it's like pulling a shot

of espresso you had it down to a science my mom folks at home know how to this was in the era of like coconut oil

was making a big comeback they said it wasn't bad for your heart anymore and shit. Your parents were already kind of bohemian. So my mom had a lot of coconut oil around. So I'd take that. If it was summer, there's no need to microwave. Because it's already hot.

It's already liquid. But if it was winter, I'd throw it in the microwave a little bit. In a ramekin? In a little bowl. In a little bowl. So you'd do it in a little ramekin. Your mom would in a little bowl a little so you do it in a little like ramekin your mom would serve butter in and stuff yeah i would yeah exactly no truly you have like a mole a head day that you're grinding up your pussy juice and i'd throw it right in that

microwave maybe like 45 seconds okay it's a perfect liquid and you put it all over your johnson smells amazing by the way it makes you smell great. Perfect lubricant. Beautiful dick skin I'm imagining. Perfect lubricant. I would like have Tupperware bags. I would cut the zipper thing off of it and then rubber band it around my cock and then put it... I'm not kidding.

Because I literally thought I will never touch a woman. Oh, for sure. Back then I was like, there is not a chance in hell anyone will fuck this. Right. Ever. So you were fucking your couch like it was a whore. I was like, yeah. I would put the laptop on the couch seat, and it would be like I'm fucking the woman.

Would you go POV, POV video, so it felt more like fucking a woman? Here and there. Maybe a Friday, Saturday night, I'd do POV, POV video so it felt more like fucking a woman? Here and there. Maybe a Friday, Saturday night I'd do POV. You know what? Baby dad's going to treat himself. A little POV. And then that would end and I'd eat my Chinese food and I'd watch a movie. I'd kick back and I'd put my arm around nothing.

Have a great night. I mean, that's still kind of me to this day, honestly. Now that I'm living with my girlfriend, if I know she she's gonna go visit her mom like i'm counting down the the as soon as i hear the drive the car turn over pants around my ankles just jacking off into my couch oh yeah dude you're in your house you're like was that the fucking did she lock the door is she home i think i heard a beep. Is that the car beep? Checking her location to make sure she's a mile away and it's safe to start fucking gooning. You should hang out with your friends more. Yeah, yeah. She's leaving.

She's like, all right, I love you. I'll see you. And in my head, I'm like, I'm going to fucking choke the shit out of my penis. The second the cats are there, they're watching. They don't care. That was the worst part is my penis. The second the cats are there, they're watching. They don't care. That was the worst part is my dog. My dog would just look at me the whole night. I'm like, get away. Get out of here. Licking the coconut oil off your

knuckles. You look over, he's jacking off. I know a lot of people probably did that. Like had their dog suck them off. No, no, no. I said lick off your knuckles because you just have coconut oil everywhere. I just mean like I didn't like the voyeuristic nature of my dog. Sure. You're worried he might be getting off.

He's just sitting there panting, looking at me. My ass is out. I'm fucking a couch. Well, yeah. He thinks you're being attacked by the couch. By the way, also, my living room has a giant window. I know. I've been in it.

Wait, is that the same couch? Did you get a new couch? It was a leather couch. It was way better. I don't fuck my couch? It was a leather couch. It was way better. I don't fuck my couch ever. Fucking a leather couch, that's better than fucking a woman. I live with my girlfriend.

I fuck her now, but like... You put her on the couch in the same spot. You want to dress up like the couch. I could put on a cushion. Sit here. Let me put this banana inside you. You put cushions around her pussy? You put couch cushions around her pussy you put couch cushions around her pussy still use the

coconut oil painting her pussy the color of a banana pill so you can i throw her in the microwave like we need to warm this up chinese food right next to her head i'm not kidding there were so many times that i would jack off in the living room and I would forget that the window was wide open and then the mailman would come and I would have my pants around my ankles. I was so lazy. I would jack off and cum in my hand and be like, oh, this is a good scene

in something. I'm watching a movie or something. I would just sit there and be like, pants around my ankles, hand being molded to my cock like glue. Growing to my cock like glue growing to your cock cum is now turning into a tree like it's roots are growing I've been sitting there for so

long and they're like oh shit the fucking mailman's here and then I would get up and I'd hop over to my bathroom and wipe it all up it's a beautiful time and then the best you always to jack off before the food. So you want to get the food.

Yep. You want to get the food, have it in a bag, make sure it's like still kind of hot. Mm-hmm. And you got, you know, you're pathetic. You're going to finish quick. Yeah. You're going to throw it in the same microwave you just put your pussy juice inside of. Exactly.

Yeah. And then it's a great time. Nothing better than having food to look forward to after coming. Yeah. People that eat and then come, that's deranged. Oh, it's... Truly insane. If I eat a big Chinese meal and try to jack off,

I'll kill myself. What are we doing? You feel your stomach rumbling as you're trying to jack? That's gross. People that go get Mexican food and then fuck? Mm-hmm. That's disgusting. You learn your first Valentine's with the ladies.

You get a big meal and then you go back and you have to try and fuck. Yeah. You're like, my blood sugar is so high I might black out. I know. It's impossible. It's really crazy. I'm imagining because all of your life was based off of movies you had seen up to the point you were like 13 years old.

Yeah. As a fat kid. Yeah. I'm kind of imagining you like jacking off and then laying back on the couch and smoking a cigarette. As if you just got laid. I used to cum really hard like I was with a woman. Don't mean it. I would like be on the bed like, ah!

Ah! Like so much would be released. Like true romance sex. Like I'd lay rose petals out to cum. Romancing your own hand. Like true romance. True romance. Sex. Like I'd lay rose petals out to come. To have Jack up. Yeah. Romancing your own hand.

Being like, ooh, baby. You're looking good today. You come up behind your hand and start rubbing your dick into it. Yeah, I buy my hand like concert tickets. Your hand's like making dinner and you like walk up behind it. You're like, ooh, baby. I hug it. Hug your hand from behind like look at you

look at you and your little ass hands trying to brush you off you're like no no no come on come on just a second let me kiss you for a second part of you probably misses these glory days of being like the fat kid who

just discovered porn. There is something somewhat magical about it. That's why I have a reverence for porn and porn stars, but I'm over it. Because it kind of saved you. Sex is obviously much better. Sure. And I love my girlfriend. Yeah, no, of course.

There was a period of time where I was like, yeah, I figured this out. I'll be all right. But there's still an... I was like Robert Crumb's third brother. It's so funny. You're like, oh, no, I think I can figure this life thing out. I got it. You're like, you know what?

I've patched up enough holes I can make it to 80 without blowing my brains out. I don't know what fake tits feel like, but I think I got this life thing. I've grabbed it by the horn. You know, the imagination is almost better. It is. When you find out how everything actually feels and shit and how everything actually is, you're kind of like, eh. I kind of liked my fake. No, if men didn't have imagination, they'd stop having sex with women when they were like 22.

Yeah. They would stop having sex with anyone. They'd be useless. They'd be completely useless. The idea is like- They're big hands sex with anyone. They'd be useless. They'd be completely useless. The idea is like... They're big hands. They are. They don't know it, but they're big hands.

They don't know it. They're big hands, and sometimes they smell. Sometimes they do smell, Devin. Sometimes they do smell. I've hooked up with a couple ladies who you know pull the pants down you get a little Spongebob anchor noise effect

yep you ever fuck a lady that smokes cigs you go oh my god your pussy smells there's something off it smells like a bowling alley down there

there's like a PH level that is not right is that a thing with cigarette pussies with cigarette pussies yeah does it get dry or

I think it just I think it just throws the acidity off. Something's off with the pussy. Does it smell like pre-workout? It just, it's, I don't even, it kind of smells like, you ever like a glass of water? That's been sitting out overnight and it has the bubbles in it? No, like, and it has almost like an algae smell to it.

Yeah, it's a fishy smell. Like a fishy smell. Like a fishy- It's a fishy smell. A glass of- Oh, yeah. You know when you pull something out of the dishwasher, and it's almost too clean, and it smells like nothing's alive at all,

and it's a weird smell. I don't really know how to describe it, but yeah. I'm glad I don't have to suck dicks, though, because I imagine dicks and balls smell worse than pussies on average oh by far yeah the fact that we can't even enjoy the smell of our own groin

areas after you can enjoy it you just reach down and scrape off a piece of dirt I see people do this in public they reach down they scratch their nuts and then they smell their fingers I see disgusting pieces of shit do this in public. They reach down, they scratch their nuts, and then they smell their fingers. Yeah, I see disgusting pieces of shit do this all the time. And act like they're not doing it. When I'm by myself, I'll reach down, I'll rub my finger on my tank like it's a cigarette.

It's a match I'm trying to light off a box. I go, give me that sweet smell, baby. I'll do it to check to be like, do I smell like shit? Sure. Yeah. I always smell like tortillas i don't know why i used to be when i was a fat kid i'd smell it through my my basketball shorts oh yeah i'd be hanging out with my friends and i'd be like i'd be like yeah ha ha ha oh fuck yes what is that

i haven't washed in days uh i know when you're going out to steal more bananas and you're like, oh man, my thighs are coated in my own cum. Oh no. Do you know apparently black people think we smell like cheese? Really? Yeah. That's a thing, I guess. Is that just some forced We smell like milk and cheese. Is that just some sort of forced

hatred of white people? It might be racism actually. Devin might be racism, actually. Devin might be right. We don't talk about this enough. We smell good, actually. Like the mayonnaise shit. I think it's a preconceived... White people do love mayonnaise.

They do. Who doesn't love mayonnaise? Mayonnaise is good. That's what I was weirded out by, because black people like mayonnaise, too. I see them put them, make sauces with it on Instagram. To put on chicken.

What the misconception is, is I think... i remember i used to watch undercover brother when i was 15 i get furious at the tv i'd be screaming at the tv we don't you're barking at it like i'm barking at eddie griffin like i'm like i'm anthony camilla's rottweiler and i go we don't eat it like that you don't know white people because i think in black people's heads, we literally pull out a fucking 44-ounce thing of mayonnaise and just eat it. But you take a thin layer across a sandwich, across whatever you're eating. That's it.

It's amazing. I mean, a good fried bologna sandwich with some mayonnaise on top of it. It's the same as as like the people who think like like soul food is like literally an entire pig's like spinal column and asshole you know yeah it's like they might have like one hoof and that's a lot of differences we've found with black people it's true people like like black people apparently like they think you're supposed to you have to like wash the chicken yes i've seen this with like soap you have to wash the chicken? Yes. I've seen this. With soap? You have to give it a shower.

It is being cooked. It kills all the bacteria when you cook it. I think you're actually making it dirtier by sticking it in a sink with soap and water. It's a little gross. I mean, there's chlorine in our tap water, I imagine. Yeah. That's weird. It also feels retarded to wash a chicken with soap.

Yeah, I just don't. Like it just was in a tar pit and you're trying to save it? Yeah, I've never gotten sick from cooking chicken without washing it. No, I think the only thing they kind of, they caught us with our pants down and we've all tried to do better. They caught us with the couch.

They caught us fucking the couch. Our food is under seasoned and they caught us on that. That's true. They will say that and then they will cook shrimp with orange soda. I swear to God.

I literally see that on the line. That Bayou guy? Yeah, the Bayou guys. What's up, y'all? Today we're cooking Fanta crawfish. What's up today?

My family's coming over. I'm going to take the rest of their feet away from them. There's some shit that's insane. I literally see that guy pour a case of squirt and like four balls of Tony Satchery and just throw them in. What's some shit that's insane. I've already seen that guy pour a case of squirt

and four balls of Tony Satchery and just throw them in. What's up, y'all? Today we're cooking diabetes toes. I've seen it. It's like black Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yeah, he's like, I love cooking chicken stuffed with lollipops.

I'm like, that sucks. That's actually retarded and you've ruined your time. They love things that come in packets. I always see that guy having it. He has a packet of something and he opens and he sprinkles it over i don't know what's really going on there's shrimp in it it is they want all food to be kool-aid i think that's what it is i didn't want to say it i didn't want to say it but i think that's what it is the funny thing is the guy we are referencing is a white guy in the

bayou i'm not referencing that guy i'm not referencing that guy i there's another dude i see other guys where they're like in houston or shit and they're like hey what's up we're doing the barbecue today and they literally are pouring orange soda and like orange juice into like a like a croffle yeah and they turn like a salvage like f-350 into a grill yeah like they took the inside of it out and they just put coals in there. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

The, the file cabinet that like cooks pork. Yeah. And they all like, it's always like a 19 year old. It's a 19 year old. Who's like the fittest person you've ever seen that I, and then four years later,

they're the fattest man who's ever lived. It's insane. It's such a short shelf. It's like they're in that weird engorging porn where you get bigger while you're fucking milk. Yes. Yeah. It's good. It's what's're in that weird engorging porn where you get bigger while you're fucking. It's human milk. Yes. Yeah.

It's what's, you know, the poison shit. It's the Gary, Indiana, you know, water supply type of shit, you know? Yeah. That's why they want the water spicy because it has all these chemicals that kill them. They're putting seasoning in their bathtub. They're like, I love that Flint, Michigan water, baby. Give me that Flint water with all that metal. This is that Aaron Brockovich water, y'all.

All you got to do is put a little cayenne pepper in there. It kills all that three-eyed shit. Futures got a song called Aaron Brockovich. Aaron Rockovich. Aaron Rockovich water, baby. Yeah, I'm drinking that Rockovich water. So I think we kind of gave up a little too easily on that argument the seasoning thing white people can season a little bit more but sometimes people are like willy black people can't be like willy wonka for chicken yeah and i and i think also it's like we already have so

much sodium in our food because it's bad and fucked up that we're not gonna put more like that is true do you ever actually look at the amount of sodium and shit that you're putting on dude cause I'll make food and I'm like well oh I guess I forgot about the sodium thing I guess there's sodium already in this and then I'm realizing how much hot sauce I'm putting on it or like my favorite sauce and then you look at that and it's

the insane amount it's you know 92 servings and every serving has 300 milligrams of sodium in it. A teaspoon will be like 6% of your daily sodium intake. What the fuck is a teaspoon? I eat teaspoons all fucking day. Are you kidding me?

Who is actually abiding by any of that shit? Oh, no one at all. It's insane. If you eat anything out of a can, that's like a block of salt, basically. No, I mean, i drink coke zero it's giving me cancer from the inside out yeah i should stop drinking it immediately and never drink it again but it gives you like a cancer that protects against cancers i might be coding another vaccine for cancer i feel like so it's like painting over like a blemish on my wall it's it's the

cancer version of a sheep dog like it kills other dogs that are trying to kill yourselves. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I think. You might be right. It's like, well, I guess that's, it's kind of like a crime syndicate

where it's like, there's going to be, there's going to be a crime family. Who do you want to control the area? And for me, like in my body, I'm not going to let like normal cancers control it.

I'm just going to like flood it with Coke Zero and let that, I'm like, that's going to take the reins. That's Tony Sop control it. I'm just going to flood it with Coke Zero and let that. I'm like, that's going to take the reins. That's Tony Soprano. I will say this. I don't feel like there's that much evidence of Diet Coke having really any adverse effects on people. I feel like it might be a perfect thing.

Diet Coke? Supposedly, it's the worst thing. No, I've seen studies that say aspartame is not that bad. I think that was overblown. I think a kid did a science fair project in 2002, and then we all were like, oh, what a brilliant fag. And we had to go along with that. It's the same type of kid that did a study on how Fiji water has fecal matter in it.

And then we were like, oh, my God. I don't think it's that true. I had a grandma that drank Diet Cokes all day, every day for like 30 years. She never even died of cancer. She never got cancer. She just died of like old shit. Right. They were just like, you're an old bitch.

And she died. But like, it wasn't cancer. She was still drinking Diet Cokes all the fucking time. But she could have made it to 99. I guess, but who wants to? Yeah. What's the point? I mean, I want to make it to 99.

Are you kidding me? You can't fuck your couch at 99. Yeah, Devin, the minute I can't fuck that couch, take me out, brother. No, but truly, like, I think soda soda gives you cancer. I think we might have, I think Diet Coke might be perfect. So here's the thing that I, this is where I think it's all bullshit, by the way, is you never hear about like fat Mexican kids getting cancer

or anything like that. You never hear that. Yeah. You never hear that. And all they drink are those. They drink like. Haritas. Yeah, the orange torpedo things.

Yeah, they drink. They drink napalm. Yeah, they drink like the liquid that goes in neon signs. torpedo things yeah they drink they drink napalm yeah they drink like the liquid that goes in neon signs that's what they drink they drink lava lamp they go to walmart and get a lava lamp and they put a straw in it yeah they drink candles they drink a vanilla candle they go to the yankee candle company we just gotta wait for it to melt and then it tastes so fucking good what you do is you finish it off with a little glow stick juice.

It's a cinnamon de leche candle. No, I... They're fine. They just turn into little hard... If you put a baked potato in the oven for way too long, that's what they turn into. They fossilize and they age. Sugar! The inside of their stomach looks like when you microwave

tin foil and it starts spark of their stomach looks like when you microwave tinfoil, and it starts sparking, and that's their stomach. It looks like when you leave a plastic bag in the oven, and you got to clean the oven, and you go, oh, God. It looks like a lightning storm really far away in the hot summer, like in an Indian summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look up, and you go, is that lightning way out there?

That's how they treat their body. They go, that's like 70 miles away. Their body's not connected to them. They go, my stomach, that's somewhere else. Inside their stomach, there's a little osmosis Jones being like, is that ball lightning? The phenomenon of ball lightning floating across. But then who does get, the people that get cancers

are the Michael Douglas's of the world. People like that. Guys eating pussy. Who eat evil pussy. Catherine's out of Jones's pussy was evil and gave him cancer probably gave him cancer yeah it wasn't from here but also enzymes sugar gives you cancer that's why zero I know so I think you might be good but like I just I think we might have figured out diet stuff I've never actually seen a study that like relates back diet sodas to the cancer okay but what's

gonna sometimes I think I might I'm like what if I just had a hemorrhage in my brain and I just died? Because a kid in my high school that happened to him, he was like 20 and he had a hemorrhage in his brain and he died. That's the beauty. That's the beauty of life is that no one, we'll never know. You'll never know. It's all random.

And really the true answer is that God decides to punish some people and some people he loves. And that's really how it goes. The Japanese guy from mythbusters uh dead he dropped dead he had a thing in his brain snapped and he just dropped dead like he was all healthy right yeah he's a japanese guy and he was the only uh man of color on that show and he died is he a man of is it racist to say a japanese guy is a man of color well he's i mean he's yellow is a color so i mean you can say that that's why i meant is it racist there we go there we go hey i'm starting to think we're fucking back we have a producer behind the camera who's holding up a whiteboard that says more racist

not racist what scares the fuck out of me is the autopsies on guys like that it's just like it's the shrug emoji yeah like fam fam it Fam. It just does this. His number was up. I think that's the scary thing is there's a lot of it that is like literally like, well, there's no. Some people are born with a little bomb inside of their brain and it will kill them when they're 40. You know what I think would have saved him? What?

Actually being an unhealthy piece of shit. Probably. I go, you know why that happened to you? You ran. You jogged every morning and that sped your blood up, and it made a blockage in your brain. And if you were just like a zen dude who was like 130 pounds overweight, you ate fast food at least once a day,

and you've just been on Twitch for the last eight years, dude, you would have made it to 65 easy. Yeah, you're preserved a little bit. You're like a pickled human. I kind of feel that way. I mean, mean you age faster and you look like shit but sure but your head doesn't explode exactly yeah yeah i mean i don't know i always whenever something happens that i can't identify why and it freaks me out on an existential level i go well they didn't have the thoughts that i do you You're like, well, I worry about that, so that means it won't happen. Exactly.

I go, well, he never thought that would happen. And I do think about that all the time, so it'll never happen now. He's like, well, he didn't cling to a false idea that keeps him immortal, even though my own death is screaming, hurtling towards me. He had an aneurysm? Well, I've covered that base. I think about it all the time. I'm terrified of that.

So that's why it won't happen. You just have to have to every morning you got to think of a new disease you have i yeah i cover all every day i go like this and then that and maybe spinal disease and ls and it is well i've thought about it can't happen now that'd be silly yeah that'd be ridiculous if i thought about it it happened i mean the only reason i've been thinking about my mortality more is i had food poisoning for like four days this week you get weak you get weak in the knees you start feeling like oh and you guys go what did you eat i was like well i had i typed i said i had sushi and milkshakes and i was like i set my phone down i was like man that's really gross i can't believe i typed you didn't get food poison dog shit you didn't get food poison your stomach is um on strike right now no i'm like did i get food poisoning or is my food poison yeah yeah that's deep like i'm eating

like a fucking dog and i have to stop you i really it was like a wake-up call for me i'm like what am i doing with my life you do like i wasn't being i wasn't being i wasn't being i wasn't able to pick up my daughter for three days you were that that sick? Dude, I was in bed for 48 hours, like, not getting out of bed. You know what's kind of crazy is that we were all confused, like, how you got sick, and then we did watch you eat moldy bread at a Denny's.

But it was so long ago, it was like, how did that hit you that, how did it take, like, three, four days to hit? Because I just eat dog shit. Your body probably hadn't processed that bread yet until you got back home. I eat, like, I... You guys see me that bread yet until you got back home. You guys see me that one night I couldn't stop.

I ate like 12 bags of little Oreo cookies and then Travis stopped me from eating that whole tub of ice cream. He took it away. It was the Blue Bell cereal flavor. It was dog shit. It was awful. You do eat worse than anyone I've ever been around. It's crazy how fucked up I eat. It's crazy. You eat like we put a dog brain in a human,

and he just had 48 hours to go fuck wild. We even ordered sweet green before the Austin show because we were trying to be good and healthy and prepared. And for some reason, your sweet green, I was like, is that, it looked like Popeye's to me. You just had a bowl full of fried chicken. By the way, I almost- A little bit of lettuce.

I almost fucking gag when I eat sweet green. I hate it. I'm like, ah!, fuck your body up. I want to put Aunt Jemima syrup on it just to get it to go down. That's your dressing. It's syrup. Your buddy from Elf. Yeah.

You're eating Pop-Tarts and spaghetti. And I have the old bottles with her on it. I don't go for that new shit. You buy the new bottles and then pour them into your old bottles. Dude, that's so funny. I have the old bottle. You went on eBay and were like, most racist Aunt Jemima bottle from 1937.

The syrup in the old bottles is a lot darker. I kind of noticed it is actually. Dude, I think you started using less coloring in it. No, now we're drinking fucking Drake syrup now. It's bullshit. Fucking Steph Curry Aunt Jemima's.

Do they still call it Aunt Jemima's? Because I know they were worried about being racist. What is it called now? No, no, they had to take her off the bottle. Yeah, but it's still called Aunt Jemima, right? Or is Jemima in itself racist? I mean, that's what I'm saying. You might as well call it Aunt Joanna, man.

That sounds racist to me. Yeah, they just took they took yeah they just took like al jolson's face off the bottle yeah but i don't meet modern black people named jemima yeah it's like i think it's just jimmy kimmel like doing like carl malone on the on the bottle now just put just put amy schumer's fat fucking disgusting face on it how about that make people eat it how about that put her fat fucking face on and she's blaming some sort of what is she blaming she's like it's allergies yeah that's the reason my face she read too many comments about her she's so fat her cheeks are eating her mouth she looks like he looks like her head is squinting it she's so fat she's doing like asian racism now i i kind of get off looking to her at her face i couldn't stop i'm like oh fuck it's doing like Asian racism now. I kind of get off looking at her face.

I couldn't stop looking at that picture. It's almost like I'm behind her got her in a chokehold. I know. That's how much her fucking face would get.

It would get so fat if you just fucking choked her out. I know. Wouldn't it be great to come up behind her on the couch while she's talking to Jimmy?

He'd be like, yeah, yeah, bitch. And you fucking get her like that. And her head gets even twice as big. Yeah. It looks like a fucking adult swim cartoon.

What's that thing with the gumballs in it? She looks like that. The thing from Adventures of Gumball? The gumball guy. Her head would look like that. I mean, her head already looks like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I love to squeeze her neck until her brains come out of her ears. That picture is insane.

Like a stress doll. Her fat fucking head. That's the thing is her and Lena Dunham, the only way they can stay relevant is by looking more and more disgusting. Lena Dunham is looking pretty rough. They both, Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer look like they live in an aquarium and they sleep on wood chips. I could see Lena Dunham floating past me in a big tank. And we go, we're taking Ben's daughter, and we go, look, look, look, it's Lena Dunham.

Yep. They look like they hydrate out of a thermos in a cage. I love to hit her with my car and watch her skate across the intersection. And watch her live. Of course, because I want to keep torturing her. I'm like the computer in that Harlan Ellison short story where he

keeps torturing people and putting them back together. I have no mouth and I must scream. I have a mouth and I must eat ice cream. Yeah, Lena Dunham and Amy Schumerumer they look like we make candles out of them like who's your doctor madame trussard you you weird looking fuck yeah you could put a string in amy schumer's head and light it on fire yeah she'd melt away go to the wax museum there's a candle on top of their head what is she she allergic to? Stealing jokes from comedians?

Very good. Very good. What is she allergic to? Hey, I heard Amy Schumer stole Patrice's diet. Devin, I think we're back. Hey, I said we've fallen off for four episodes. I think we're back. I'm starting to think we're fucking back.

No, people have said we're better than ever, actually. Have they? That's nice. Yeah. All the comments say that every episode is better than the last, and the sky's the limit. That's cool. Can't wait for that to become a complete lie, and then we get really lazy. I truly can't wait for us to completely phone it in.

We've met Tony Hinchcliffe, so we have three months before we suck ass. That was so funny when he shook our hands. I know. And we were like, dude. Tony loves the sketches. He said he literally watched the sketches. And he wasn't lying because he actually recognized you. He goes, yeah, you're in the sketches.

And I was like, oh, wow. All right, thanks. I didn't know he was behind me. And I suddenly turned. And it was like when Indiana Jones meets Hitler in the movies. Like, I turned, I was like, oh, fuck. And I'm like, goddammit, now I have to shake his fucking faggy hand.

That night was, like, momentous, because I was like, we have a decision to make. I'm like... We're in the comedy mothership. And these guys are like, hey, yeah, I haven't seen you. And we're like, yeah, I think I said you should die. I think I said I wanted to kill you with a baseball bat. I think four weeks ago I said you should be killed like in the end of Inglourious Basterds.

There was a couple people who were like, dude, listening to the podcast, it's great. I'm like, that's a lie because I've said you should be raped by dogs. So you're lying about listening to the podcast. It did feel like we were in the tavern and in Glorious Bastards. Didn't it? Yeah. And one of us holds up the wrong sign for a new drink. And Tony's like, what? Right. One of us says something too funny and they know we don't belong there.

Yeah, I really hated it there. It was rough. They should consider taking comedy out of the name. It was a rough... Yeah, very good. Very good, man. Very good. Very good.

It was an interesting night. Yeah. It was very interesting. Interesting time. Interesting city to be in. I'm just kidding. It was a fun hang. I loved it.

It was great. You can't... You can't... Listen, we are humans that have souls. I'm not gonna... Yeah, but we're very hateful. I wasn't gonna be like, fuck you, motherfucker! Of course you're gonna take a compliment.

I'm not gonna... We weren't gonna be dicks. Oh, sure. I mean, the guys in Madison Square Garden, two sold-out shows. Oh, baby. People are flying in from in Madison Square Garden, two sold out shows. Oh, baby. People are flying in from all over the country to get on Kill Tony. I swear to God. They want to be in the ring with Hans Kim. Yeah.

He's just releasing lab leaks all over that fucking show. Come on. They want to go punch for punch with Hans on stage. Could you imagine, huh? Holding your own with the great Hans Kim. Who somehow looks like skinny amy schumer yeah it was it wasn't it that was like kind of like that was a fascinating moment in our trajectory it was a fascinating moment yeah it was very weird i tried to not go i was like

i want to go to sleep oh you were going you guys said i couldn't go at the text that we were going to get into the mothership, we were going. Yeah. I was just worried I was going to walk in and Joe Rogan was going to kick my head off of my body. Once Gardini let us in there, it was like, whoa. Gardini couldn't get us in. Shane had to get us in. They were like, we're not letting these guys in.

Did Shane come out? No, Gardini had to get Shane to give us approval to let us in. Right, right, right. Yeah. So we had to get like a nod from the... And then they lead you through like the retard, like Copacabana, like Goodfellas scene. You're like walking through a kitchen,

just a bunch of people with arrows in their head. And you hear, you hear, Beema, Beema, Beema, baby. The Coca-Cola Cabana. the coca-cola cabana dude the amount of people smoking cigarettes inside i was like how do you do this every night how do people do this every fucking night i don't know man i legitimately couldn't hear a single fucking thing couldn't hear anything i think they do that on purpose so no one's can be funny because everyone's bombing the music is blasting so loud. They're like, everyone's killing tonight.

Everyone's a killer. Big news, everybody. Everyone here's a killer. We're all killers because no one can hear each other. How about that? It was interesting. Shane came over and I couldn't hear a single word he said. He was talking to us and he said

something to me and I just heard and I was just like, dude, I don't belong here. I haven't earned this. You and I were getting so stressed out we smoked cigarettes. I smoked a cigarette. I felt terrible. I hadn't smoked a cigarette in like a year and I was like, I got it.

I'm just panicking right now. Yeah, I stole one of Gardini's cigarettes and started smoking. Everyone's coming up to bed acting like they've always had respect for him. Yeah, that was a weird thing. Very fascinating. I was like, I thought you had no respect for me. Oh, interesting. I swear I remembered a couple episodes back in the day.

I thought you thought I was some sort of a slave prick. I had a feeling I saw you do something once. Very mean to him. And now we're cool? Interesting stuff. They're like, man, the Patreon's high enough that I've unblocked your number, so I'm now pretending to have

respect for you again. Oh, man. Yeah. It was a fun time. It was great, and it was cool because... I told you guys, I'm like, I don't want to meet anybody i just like literally want it was fun meeting like shane and gardini and those guys were like awesome um but i like mostly want to stay in this i feel like we're in a clubhouse just throwing rocks at old women that

walk past on the sidewalk and i kind of want to keep that it felt like we climbed down from our tree house to like grab the mail, and then we ran back up. And they were like, hey, guys. Hey! Hey, how you doing, Mr. Johnson? Anyway! Running back up to look at pornography and say... No, no, but as soon as we get up there, we grab our rifles, we start firing at them again.

We ran back here to talk shit about... We were like, thank you so much, we love you, and then we just came back here, and we're like, they fucking stabbed us. We came back here and we're like, they fucking suck. We came back here and we're like, they're a fucking demon for real. We talked so much shit.

We ran out of comics to talk shit about. I'm not even kidding. It was the fourth night. It was four days of us being like, he's a fucking cocksucker. I hope his wife rapes him

and his kids die. Vile shit talking. it got to the point where we were like who just started comedy we start doing open mics again to just shit on new comics we ran out of comics we were looking at we had YouTube loaded we kicked Travis's friend off of his own TV he was playing

video games on because we haven't shit on open micers in four days we were starting to shake like it was heroin we forced Travis's friend to fly his jetpack and GTA to the comedy store and shoot it up. We were getting upset. We were like, dude, let's go. Find it. Find Sunset Boulevard. Head wash.

It's Sunset. It's past Carney's. Get to it. It's past Carney's Express. God. And then we were literally, we had YouTube up and we were literally, we were going like, okay, what is another comic we know? And we couldn't think of anybody. Yeah. And then we were literally, we had YouTube up and we were literally, we were going like, okay, what is another comic we know? And we couldn't think of anybody. Yeah.

We were out of shit. So we were like, all right, let's start back at the top. Put in, you know, Fleab Flip Flop in there. Let's tell Fleab Flip Flop he should kill himself and burn in a fire of hell. It was cool because there's... I don't know. You know, I liked... I really respect like about 0.3% of the community that we were around.

Yeah. And oddly enough, those were the only people that seemed to care about us. Yeah. And that was cool. That was very cool. That was very cool. The shows were great. The shows were so cool. Yeah. And that was cool. That was very cool. That was very cool. The shows were great. The shows were so cool.

Yeah. Wouldn't you guys love to like pull out every single one of Amy Schumer's teeth with a pair of pliers? Yeah, with no anesthesia. Like duct tape

or do a chair and pull out every single tooth? Yeah. And she's screaming. She looks like a baby. She's got a really fat newborn baby.

And you know, it would come out like just picking up a coin off the sidewalk. Just the amount of sugar and gravy she's eating just slides right out like Jeff Goldblum

halfway through The Fly. You think she wakes up every day and her husband picks the dead skin growing into wings off of her back? A fucking Zionist bitch, retard.

Her autistic chef husband. Yeah, how can you be That ugly And be like Rooting for Israel Whipping up like Palestinian baby Alfredo Yeah She wants to take Gaza

So there's a place Big enough for her To live over there Yeah They can't wait To turn it into a parking lot So they can charge High prices

Dude I want to squish her With like a steamroller, like those things that they smooth over concrete with and shit on construction sites. She does look like one of the people in Fury that they run over in the tank. She'd be the first person to den a steamroller. There'd be a big caved-in part on it.

Yeah, I'd love to wrap a wire around her neck. You know what I mean? You'd have to have a really strong Garrett wire. Yeah, you'd have to wrap a wire around her neck. You know what I mean? You'd have to have a really strong Garrett wire. You'd have to have a grand piano. Oh my God. The lowest note in the piano case. If you put her in a guillotine, you'd have to do a bunch of chops.

It'd be violent. You'd have to build a giant slap chop to behead her. I'd love to slap her with the broad side of a sword right across the face. A killer with a dull sword. With the flat part. Not even the sharp. I go,

wah! Yeah. Across the side of her fat head. I don't even use the blade. Right. She doesn't deserve the sharp part.

You're doing gladiator shit on her, doing spins and shit. You don't want to get the blade bloody. No. Yeah, you use a butter knife. I would love to take a pitchfork to her stomach.

You stab her hundreds, thousands of times with a butter knife. Takes like three days to kill her. But what if the first stab, she just pops like a balloon? She just... And just birthday cake goes everywhere. What did she say? She's like, I'm not fat i did i just saw a picture of her she goes i'm actually not fat as shit and i'm not evil i have and she

she said like i have she's sick of the troll comments endometriosis i think she said she has every fat dumb ass like her yeah they all make up they all have autoimmune whatever you know right they gave themselves by eating. Yeah. Always. Just own up. Own up. You're a disgusting person. Yeah. And you should not be alive.

Yep. And you eat as much as you do because you're empty inside and you're trying to fill a hole. Yeah. And it's because you're evil to people that are close to you and you're actually close to no one. And you feel like a fraud and a fake because you haven't you're the worst and you're the worst person in your family and your uncle is chuck schumer you're somehow the worst person your family your your uncle is a senator yeah and

you're somehow the most evil person your uncle's a senator maybe fucks kids right your uncle's your uncle's on epstein island being like i mean amy she's just such a bitch. God. He's getting his dick sucked by a fetus. Didn't she say like she hasn't even met the guy? She's met him like once. Like he's like a distant cousin or something. But that's what they all say. Yeah. We know what's really going on.

There's all no connection. There's no connection. But we but, you know, we're all all that nepotism. Yeah. Her response to this stuff, I remember, was like, okay, so you think I'm ugly. I don't care. I found a person who wants to fuck me. And it's like, well, you've trapped an autistic man

into a weird relationship. You found a guy at the Warhammer shop in the mall who also cooks. And that's your boyfriend. You sick bitch. You sick bastard bitch. You fucking weirdo. You joke bitch. You sick bastard bitch. You fucking weirdo. You joke-thieving shithead.

How did she get a pass for that, by the way? There's hours of footage of her stealing. I don't know. I don't know. But I think here's how she could... Here's how she could... Everyone would like her again. And I'm going to offer this to Amy Schumer right now if she's listening.

Because who knows who listens to this show? Amy, if you're listening, right here in this room, we'll go live. I will kidnap Seth Simons. I'll lay him right here on a big dinner plate. You sit in this chair and you eat him. You eat Seth Simons on a live stream piece by piece. You put him down in your belly we're gonna rate you we'll raise a million dollars on the youtube channel we'll

donate it to the idf donate it obviously her wishes yeah her wishes but then she's done something good for comedy finally she ate seth simons god it would be wouldn't it be great if somebody like you know what's that did something to him it would be great if somebody, like, you know. What's that? Did something to him. It would be great if somebody did something. Something nice. Like they gave him a gift.

Yeah. They gave him a ticking gift. Somebody gave him a real nice gift and a visit. Do you know his Tumblr article? What's that? He wrote, like, another Tumblr article after Shane got SNL. Okay. And he was like, so about that SNL thing is the headline or something like that?

Right. And he goes, here's how I've won even though I'm writing journalism for Tumblr now. Here's how I've actually won. My tweets are protected because I suck so much ass. I will be killed if anyone sees them. Yeah. Imagine if, dude, if Norm MacDonald made death threats against me. I'd be like, I have to kill myself.

I have to. If someone as great as Norm thinks I should die. I want to take that frame. I want to take that tweet of Norm's. Well, here's these people. These people write off all greatness. They find something to make up about all great people. So then they feel comforted in their own mediocrity.

They tried to change the parameters of comforted in their own mediocrity like they they tried to change the parameters of comedy to fit their own like mediocre contributions or less than mediocre and so everybody they have something about they have an excuse for every single great well norm norm uh you know took a picture with a woman and put his hand on her shoulder once so he's a rapist or every there's something for everybody all their betters they have figured out some way to convince themselves that they suck to make themselves feel better about their worthless existence yeah truly i think i think seth said he said in the tumblr article he he goes that the right wing people started doing comedy

during the pandemic and they didn't wait. They didn't try to stop the spread. And so since they got a head start on all the liberal comics and that's why the right wing Nazis won comedy. Oh, yeah. All those right wing comics. That's why Shane's hosting SNL. Right.

All those right wing comics who started in the pandemic, but also 2011 somehow. Right. What a fucking retard. Yeah. That's that's the new thing god he's so retarded he came and just say they're racist and just like that that's that you know no it has to yeah it has to be like deeper than that yeah why yeah i guess he's yeah they got a head start on and that's why like nobody's a fan of i don't know who he thinks people should be fans of like greg proops it's like they had their day they all had their like fun in the sun who is who does i wonder i would love to find out who that got who seth simons thinks is great who is somebody he's like they're the best comic i think he would if you like got into his subconscious like in a Christopher Nolan like inception,

like gay kind of way. Yeah. And you went all into the deeper parts of his mind. You'd find out that he would save me. It actually is me. I'm great. Yeah.

That's probably what I'd say. There you go, yeah. And that's why I want Amy Schumer to eat him on a big plate. Yeah, me too. I want a guy to be cutting him up like the dude at Golden Corral that's cutting the filet mignon

with the big hat. Just a little slices and just give them out to the comedy community. Everybody comes by, they get a piece of Seth Simons and they eat him. I would love for him to be on like a shwarm of spit at Legion of Skanks and the guy just slices a new slice off of him and just hands him to a fan and a falafel. You live off stolen jokes. I kind of feel bad, by the way. I spread another rumor about Brett Gelman that's fake on Twitter. Don't feel bad, ever.

I didn't mean to do it, but I told everybody he only had sold seven pre-orders of his book, which I don't know if that's true, but everybody thought it was, and it kind of went viral. That's great. Never rat on your friends, and never apologize for shitting on retards. And never don't stop shitting on Brett Gelman. Oh, you popped your cherry. Kid just owned Brett Gelman online.

1.5 million impressions. He said Brett Gelman died. Everyone took it seriously. Dude, everybody thought he died. I didn't mean for people to actually think he died. Why? It's funny. He's already dead. This is also... These people are already dead. It's a walking overdose. It's also funny funny this is he's already dead and this is also these people are already dead it's a walking overdose yeah it's also funny this is like the only good thing you've ever done

on twitter actually is shit on brad gellman so don't feel remorse for this i guess it's so right it feels wrong yeah yeah i feel guilty for being like the the righteous man on twitter well yeah i mean you are like bullying like the equivalent of like retarded kid at school. It is a guy going like, I eat pennies, and you go, shut up, nerd. You shove his head. But then the whole school is like, go, go, go, go, go. But somehow it's morally right

to shove the I eat pennies guy into a locker. Somehow it actually is morally okay. I only sold seven copies. That fucking retard. No no don't feel bad for lying about people and saying they're dead i'm gonna keep lying i'm gonna keep making up lies on twitter that go viral about him i'm gonna make him i'm gonna bully him into an od what are you gonna tweet next that he's funny oh well that's the next thing I'm going to start doing is I'm going to start going viral saying he's like a really good comic and everybody loves him.

I'm going to invert it on him. And he's going to have to call you a liar. He's going to have to get on Twitter and be like, I actually suck ass and everyone hates me. I'm going to say I'm a neo-Nazi and Brett Gelman is my favorite comedian. And I go, Brett's perspective on comedy and life opened me up to this new way of life. That would actually be genius. You're like, I'm a neo-Nazi

and I love Brett Gellman. I thought he was a cuck retard. And then I realized he wants to kill people of color. Yeah, that is great. And because of that, me, who loves Hitler, also loves Brett Gellman. And that's why he divorced his black wife.

That's why he divorced his black wife, so he could kill black people. So he could kill brown people in buildings. Yeah. Yeah. That would actually be genius. He'd read that at a computer monitor and be like, he'd kill himself like, liar, liar. Like, his hand would just be like, no, no, no. I'm killing my own ass.

God, yeah. Holy shit. Amy Schumer. I'd love to land a plane on Amy Schumer. I'd love to learn how to fly a plane so I can clip at the top of her head with the big wheel that comes down. A lot of way. When I'm landing on a tarmac.

Like North by Northwest. Yeah, and dude, and like send her flying like a thousand miles per hour down the runway. Like the way like a car crash simulator is when you make an 18-wheeler go 3,000 miles per hour down the runway. Like the way a car crash simulator is when you make an 18-wheeler go 3,000 miles per hour in the game and it flies into outer space. I want to actually do that in real life to her. She looks like firefighters use her to

catch people to jump out of buildings. They just hold her? They just hold her out and they land on her stomach. They go jump and then she opens her mouth and just swallows them. The thing that pisses me off the most about her is it's just that she's fat. But it's the fact that she gets fat and her tits don't get bigger really that pisses me off. None of the fat goes to her tits.

Because she sucks her own tits to drink the milk. She's that hungry all the time. She milks herself. She gets pregnant to make milk yeah and then she sucks her own she sucks it out and makes milkshakes with her own titty titty uh breast milk and then she stabs her baby because she heard it was she heard it was like black because she fucks black guys she carries nestwick yes quick with her in like a little like rock climbers bag where they put chalk just so she can mix her own

titty milk. Proud gluttonous Zionist sucks her own breast milk and stabs her interracial child in her belly. I don't know how you can have the same opinion as Amy Schumer and be like oh I'm wrong. You see like this woman you're like oh she thinks what I do I'm wrong. Yeah exactly. How do you see her

with her confidence? She looks like the guy from Dune. the bad guy from Dune. She looks like she floats around the room and sits in a big pot of goo. Yeah, she does. She looks like something that they're working on in poor things. Wouldn't you just love to step on her head? I mean, I don't know if I have the energy to get that done. What a big head.

I tried to curb stomp her, but she might eat it. You want to press your boot into her face. She's looking up at you. When she flosses, she pulls out like a ribeye. A lady like her, she flosses over the sink, she clogs the drain. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I know what i mean you know what i mean i know what you mean brother hope that bitch has drano on hand after she's had a nice steak dinner well she needs drano for her own throat get the food to move through it i'm kind of convinced

she's always been richie uh and i used to talk about this and richie had some good points about it too but like like i'm i've kind of me and him have both been kind of convinced i feel like she's been protected by comics her whole life because they knew she had some power with the chuck schumer thing because no matter what everyone just gave it up to her like it tells and everybody i feel like she like has shit on people or something yeah people are also just afraid of psychotic liars because when you witness someone who lies 100% of the time, that person thinks that they're really good at lying and no one can tell, but everybody's actually afraid to call them out

on the crazy lies they say because they go, oh, they're just psychotic. So everybody just gives her what she wants. Yeah, you don't even want to, it's like a homeless guy in the street. You go, yes, you're right, like whatever you're saying. And they don't surround themselves with unagreeable people because if an unagreeable person is in their presence and says the thing that's actually the reality they just turn around and go that person fucking sucks and

they just make up crazy lies about that and but everybody knows they're lying too but i've seen these how these people orchestrate all they all they do is they constantly do crazy psychotic lies. Yeah. Forever. And that's the shield that protects them through life all the way to the top to make a bunch of money. Right. And you hope they just have the Irishman moment at the end.

Yeah. And they will. I mean, if she had a soul, she would go to hell. Yeah. The end of the art leave the fridge door open Joe Pesci comes with the bread and wine she just rips it out of his head yeah yeah mm-hmm the gingerbread man because she's fat she really

that picture's crazy of her yeah holy shit of her face what a big bitch so what did she say she has

what a big bitch what does she have and also very ugly as well extremely ugly and evil she's an evil cunt evil face

she's an evil horrible fucking piece of shit if she was in the movie Shallow Hal she would look exactly the same through his POV as she does to everyone else. As ugly inside as she is outside.

Burn in hell. Go to Long Island with your tens of millions of dollars and just, you know, rape your gay boyfriend or whatever the fuck you do. Go, go. Just have, you have enough money to just have assistance to torture all day so you feel like you're like Caligula or something.

Yep. Yep. That's all these people want to do. They just want to, they want another sketch show on Hulu so they have another, they have people to manipulate and torture and to make feel like they're small little ants. Right. This being said, I do love Life and Beth. Life and Beth is great.

What is that? Well, season. Life and Beth. Life and Beth is great. What is that? Life After Beth. Life After Beth? Season two cleans up a lot of the mistakes they made in season one. Oh. Really? Yeah, it's like Better Call Saul for Breaking Bad. You know what I mean?

They hit a stride. Is that her show now? She's in Life After Beth? Life After Beth, yeah. And I just realized it's like Life After Death, but her name's Beth. Is the plot of the story some guy fucks her and then has to live with himself afterwards? So it's life after Beth? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, God. It is crazy. She's just like, you know. She's that type of evil, you're right, where nobody will fuck with her. Because you could literally be like, oh, you know, Devin accused her of being a joke thief. And she's like, Devin raped me. She is that type of crazy person. Like that type of insane.

She just keeps adding lies, adding, adding lies. Yeah, yeah. It's like trying to own Cartman, you know? The best way to lie is actually to keep lying. Yes. It's to have so many lies, someone can't even single out a single one. She's taking her diet to court.

You raped me! She has a whistle when she eats food. Yeah, she was raped by binnigans. No, there's a moment when you get old enough where you're like, oh, actually, if you're a bad person, you will get punished, but if you're a worse person, you actually won't. That's right. If you're bad enough, like, everything will actually,

the universe will reward you. Yeah. Because there is no God or justice at all. Well, because the devil created this world and he rewards his greatest soldiers, actually. With the things in the world. And he goes, now my masterpiece, Amy Schumer.

Yeah. These people are just- The devil is in hell and they go, sir, she's much too evil and ugly. And he's like, shut up. I'm the devil. I'm going to make the ugliest, meanest bitch of all time.

And she's Jewish. And they're like, well, yeah, of course we do that. Well, I assumed. Yeah. No, we kid, we kid. We love Israel. These people, they're auditioning for Satan. It's like a big showcase for Satan.

Yeah. It's truly everybody is such a phony, fake piece of shit sociopath, for the most part. You see these people, they're so, like Amy, she's so off-putting. You go, who literally is a fan? Who is a fan of this? That was the nice part about the shows is fans would come up to us afterwards and a couple got drinks and one guy was like okay who

in comedy is evil and i was like oh every this every like i was literally i was like name a famous comedian he was like this person's like evil sociopath he uh uh evil sociopath fake sober he screams at everybody throws uh throws whiskey bottles around his dressing room. And he's like, what about this guy? Complete narcissist. Insane. No one refuses to work with him. Did you guys see Tom Segura flew a chef out to make a croissant?

I thought that was funny. You know what's funny? What is? But for who? The bit is that he can afford to do that. He can fly a croissant private from France to Austin for him to eat it. You don't get, the bit is that he's an unlikable cocksucker.

That's the bit. Didn't he used to be like a kind of a normal funny guy? Devin, let me tell you. I don't remember this always being a thing with him. When I put on a podcast and comedians start talking about flying private, I'm pounding my knee. Get your drinks, clear them off the table,

because I'm pounding the wood, baby. I do love it. I go, that is some funny-ass shit right there, man. I go, you know what would be the perfect podcast if Ronald McDonald interviewed Warren Buffett? I go, that would be perfect. Tell me about how your lives roll and you're destroying culture. Come in here, Tom Segura, he flew private to Cincinnati.

And wild things ensued. Honey, come in. His dad was the vice president of Merrill Lynch. Honey, come in. His dad was literally the vice president of Merrill Lynch. Now he's flying private. I comment. I go, yeah, I love the flying a croissant private story.

That was funny, but the rest of the episode sucked. More stories about flying private, please. And I'll click. And I go, comment. Jesus Christ. I post my comment. Him and Burt Kreischer, they have a tequila. They're selling a tequila.

Sure, why not? Burt Kreischer's flying private. Yeah, that's great. Burt Kreischer flies PB&J. Very good. Right, folks? Very good. When they're on stage, they're like, and then the other day, I flew private.

I go, fuck. I go, stop. Stop. Stop. No, no, no. I go, I'm going to fucking piss my pants. No, stop. Stop.

Stop. No. Oh, you got it. I can't breathe. i can't breathe i can't breathe no but i'm i'm genuinely curious who is laughing at this stuff it's p it's a trick it's a stand-up trick of of rhythm and and manipulation of i watched that promo with the croissant like what what what am i what is what is wrong with you i mean mean, Devin, you forget these are the people who love the IHOP commercials. These are fans that don't know what a croissant even is. They don't know where France is.

They don't know what a plane is. They're like, I love the colors and the shape. And Tom's eyebrow rose like this. The thing you put on for your daughter that's just shapes moving around. They're like, I like when the shapes move. And he's Tom. And I know him. And sometimes he

goes on the show with Joe. And sometimes he goes on the show with you. And it's on MCU. He also looks to you. Dun-dun-dun-dun, crucify it. Unify it, crucify it. Unify it, crucify it. He also looks insane.

Tom looks like a fake person, though. Yeah, I mean... His face looks like the mask in Drive. Like the stuntman mask that he wears. He doesn't look like he has any human emotions anymore. His face looks like it's made out of

Kardashian ass. That's leftover. Is this phone still recording? I don't know. I don't know. Is it? It's still recording. Oh, nice. Alright, well who else sucks cock? Who else doesn't matter? What other bridge can we burn before it even gets built?

I guess we better get out of here before we say... Because I said some vile things about things I wanted to do. I said some vile things about a big grub worm in hell. Look, I'll be the first to admit I called for violence against a woman. Did you? No, I didn't. She's not a woman. But I'm the first to say it.

She's one of the worms from Dune. She's not a woman. Can you get in trouble for talking shit about objects? No, no, no. I would love to put her on a big hook and cast her into the... I'd like to put her on a hook like bait. Right, and then every fish swims away. They're swimming on the land.

The bait is eating the fish. They're confused. Yeah, it's like using a whale as bait. A shark swims up to her and she just knocks it out and starts throwing on it. Dude, that would be the... Here's what I actually want to do. I want to lower her into an aquarium at SeaWorld. Okay.

And the... It starts overflowing and kills everyone. She does... The orca whales and the dolphins do that thing where they fucking dive at her the way they like kill sharks.

I want them to... She's screaming like that her head's slightly above water her fat fucking head. As two humpbacks are low tower, high towering her. Spinning her like John Elway

in the Super Bowl. There's a documentary like Blackfish about how she's not treated badly enough. There's Japanese guys stabbing her with big oars. Oh, that would be awesome too

if I ever saw her swimming like in a lake or something and I was on a sea-do. I would turn that bitch right for her head. Yeah. Right before the sea-do hits her fat fucking head, I would turn that bitch right for her head. Right before the Sea-Doo hits her fat fucking head, I would bail.

It would be great too as if we were like I tricked her into going on a fishing trip with me and I stuck her head down into the motor and just turned her into chum off the coast of Florida. Like a big red streak. How do you have a daughter? It's so insane. You were holding your child

downstairs earlier. It was such a lovely moment. And you come up here and you just you're an insane man. You're the judge in Blood Meridian. Jesus Christ. We met all these people

on the trip and then we got to Houston and you're just on stage like he should die we're putting that one out on Friday on the Patreon it was a good one live in Houston that was a fun one

that was a great one it's not shot the way the Shane episode was in Austin by the way but it's we kind of liked it more because the first show

all the it was we were glad everybody showed up but it was kind of like a lot of like the crazy first show was more of a circus it was a circus the Houston one felt like we were doing the real but it was kind of like a lot of the crazies showed up. First show was more of a circus. It was a circus. The Houston one felt like we were doing the real podcast with a respectful...

Both crowds were amazing. I tell the FBI story at the end of that. Yeah, that's right. You reveal the whole FBI story. That was fun. But if you guys don't know, the live in Austin featuring Shane Gillis, that episode is on the Patreon now, actually. We put the video at the five dollar tier for everybody.

We're very generous people. So everyone could enjoy it. And, you know, it's one of those things I don't think we could put it out publicly because we. Oh, yeah. We didn't want to do that. We didn't want to do that to him before. He's got SNL. We'd be like such cocks. He was already being the coolest person ever for doing that.

Yeah. Before that. Yeah. Shane's awesome. No, it was honestly so awesome that he came up and did the show. It really ruled. I'm still mad at LeMare for stealing one of my hamburgers. LeMare did steal a hamburger.

Not a great look for the black community. LeMare came in, stole a hamburger, and then left. Which is so funny because like I told him he could just have a burger and then he stole one somehow

even after having we had 20 cold hamburgers left over he could have had all of them he came in you can have one I guess he didn't hear me

apparently he like pocketed one on his way out he did a smooth and I called the fucking cops on his ass and I said there's a black man on 6th street and he needs to be taken down

you have him frisked they pat him down to see if he has a burger on him I go put fentanyl on him he will do this again imagine La Mer like GTA like he gets the 5 star wanted rating trying to get away from the cops on 6th Street. Just because I'm an evil cocksucker.

I'm like, his ass has got to fry. That burger cost us 45 cents. That was so fun. Yeah, the whole trip ruled. Everyone was great. And we're setting up an East Coast tour right now. We're trying to do New York, D.C., Boston, and Philly. So hopefully those are good.

Our lady, who's awesome, is doing it now. She also does our ad. She's great. Hello, Clay. Hello, Clay. Oh, Clay. Oh, wow.

Is that a non-alcoholic beer? Thanks, buddy. We were just wrapping up. Glad you're still here. We'll be done in a up glad you're still here we'll be dotted a sec he's still here has he been watching the baby and like Katie went to bed

I hope not that's our friend Clay Casise yeah what were we saying I think we were wrapping up yeah yeah patreon.com slash women party

at some point we'll do that yadda yadda yadda tour of the east coast fuck amy schumer fuck brett gellman fuck everyone who isn't us for the most part

it's it's you know what's so funny this is in in summary i i fucking love you guys and i love doing this show because it's inconsequential like we can just say

whatever we want and we don't have to leave this room we actually don't have to ever leave this room it's kind of yeah under any circumstances there's kind of a part of me that never wants to like meet any of these people because you you kind of can unless you are in uh we're like in a a sniper's nest in uh you know afghanistan the minute we walked into the mothership i was like oh i don't know there's maybe there's four people here that i'm happy to meet right and the rest i'm like i don't want to i don't want to know, maybe there's four people here that I'm happy to meet. And then the rest, I'm like, I don't want to know you.

It's like Band of Brothers when they brought a new platoon of young men and they're like, I don't want to get to know you because you'll be dead soon. It was a lot of people. I'm like, you're going to ruin my show. You're not human to me. You're like, I met you and now I have to have met you and call you an evil cocksucker.

You should die. It's a lot rougher. You don't want to see him. But, you know, I'll get through that. I'll get past that. No, we'll be okay. Yeah, we already did do it the next day. We did it 10 minutes after walking outside.

This one's been fermenting for a bit, I think. I feel like I'm kind of cheating because this one had half a percent of alcohol in it. And it feels a little like it has a little bit more of an edge. Are you getting wild right now? Well, watch out, Amy Schumer. Somebody's about to drive to Long Island with a diaper on. I crack a non-alcoholic beer

and I black out immediately. And I wake up in like Belmore, Long Island, wherever the hell she lives. I have a knife standing over her bed. I hope that's exactly where she lives. Amy admitted... She admitted to rape, didn't she? She did actually admit to rape. You should look that up. She had a speech for like a woman's

award. She admitted to like raping a guy who was like blackout drunk in college. Yeah. Yeah. But she told like this sort of like he didn't want to fuck me because I was fat. So I raped him while I was blackout drunk. And you know, Gloria Steinem saying this is great. Ghostbusters and women, everything sucks.

Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck us all. Kill yourself. Eat it, faggot. Eat it, faggot. Kill yourself and eat it, faggot. That's me. I'm the faggot. That's me.

I'm the faggot in the commission that eats it. This week at IHOP, retards eat half off at the International House of Retards. I whore. Come down. If you finish your meal in 30 minutes, we'll kill you with a gun. Fuck. All right. It's getting really hot in this room. kill you with a gun. Ah, fuck. Alright. It's getting really hot in this room. Oh, thank you

to whoever sent the Ginny Sack shirt. Oh yeah, Devin got a thing, yeah. And I want to quickly just really apologize for being a little mean on the live Austin show to a couple large gentlemen. One came up on stage. He was very vulnerable i forgive you

i think his name was august i was just going with the flow of the show but thank you for putting up you run you run adderall no not not in austin oh i mean the one you take adderall houston i had to take i had no sleep but uh austin yeah when we did like therapy on that guy i felt like i was i watched it back and i was like oh i'm mean i'm a mean man and i'm not that really that's why i don't watch it so i can't ever correct myself but i was scrambling for things to say and if you're fat you're fat if you're fat you're fat if you're fat you're fat if you're thin you're thin but if you're fat, you're fat. If you're fat, you're fat. If you're thin, you're thin. But if you're fat, it's funnier and I'll make jokes. And if you're evil, it's kind of morally justified, even though it's not.

But I can pretend it is like Amy Schumer. At the end of the day, I'll just use comedy as a shield for everything I've done that's wrong. thing i've done that's wrong at the end of the day you just say it's jokes and you can get away with the worst things on earth even if it's not you just use that to not be accountable at all oh yeah i say all the things i said about covid were jokes even though none of them were funny at all they were just jokes because i'm i don't want accountability except when i do when nobody's mad at me but truly thank you everybody that came out it was like uh one of the best weeks of my life very surreal and uh yeah it was awesome yeah really cool and i feel like uh you know we're already as close as can be but i feel like it

has made us closer it It was an amazing trip. It brought us together. It brought us. It brought us together. It brought us together. We're a big family now. Yep. Well, I mean, yeah.

It's like band of brothers. We are band of brothers. That's right. Band of brothers. Okay. Now we're cooking. Now we're cooking. Okay, now let's do 30 more minutes on that. Okay, all right.

What if black people were black? Man, podcasting is so easy. All right. Man, I love podcasting. All right. Anyway. No, we should actually end. Yeah.

Just say goodbye to the camera. Bye, everybody. God bless you all. God bless everybody. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rose's Cantina Music would play and Paulina would whirl Blacker than night were the eyes of Paulina

Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican maid I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a wild young cowboy came in Wild as the West Texas wind