lemonparty - 073: Patient Coke Zero

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty live dates: https://www.lemonparty.life/livedates ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are we on? Yeah, we're rolling. I'm on that hype, being always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had to bust some wheels, but it can't match. Are we on? Yeah, we're rolling out. Did you see the back of Ben's head, Jase? No, what happened? You can't talk about that right now.

Oh, you went, oh, now I see it! I really didn't see it until just now. He fucked up cutting his own hair. God. Now he literally looks like a lobotomy patient So they tried to cut the racism out of his brain I Was trying to shave that a matrix plug into the back of my head Can I tell you it looks for it looks like it's some alt-right thing

I don't know about yet is to plug one fucking bar into the back of your skull. Yep What happened to the guard slip off or something? The guard slipped off in the final, the little Tinder dance I was doing on the back of my head. That plastic guard slipped and I gave myself a skunk tail right up the back. Just in time for the live show in LA, March 23rd, you can't get, I don't think you can get tickets at the door. It's almost sold out.

By the time this- You can show up, maybe we'll let you in, I don't know. Maybe we'll let you in, maybe if you suck at you in. I don't know. Maybe we'll let you in. Maybe if you suck a guck ex, I don't even know if there's enough room for how many we sold. Yeah, it might be a real, there could be like a fire. A lot of people could die. It'll be a real shit show. You should sign up for the picture because we let them know first and then it sold out. That would rule.

Sorry. I killed 150 people and it was like a big court case. It's like a Travis Scott show. Yeah. it's like a Los Angeles County versus Lemon Party. I'm envisioning the parking lot looking like the beginning of The Way of the Gun. Just a bunch of people screaming at each other, telling them that they'll skull fuck their heads off. Yeah, Ghost Dog, The Way of the Samurai shows up. Just black autists with samurai swords.

You know what would happen is there'd be a fire and then there'd be one big guy in the electric scooter who just gets stuck At the door and then that kills everybody He plugs it up and nobody can get out like a big cork. Yeah a human cork Yeah, yes, sir and come see us in DC Philly, New York and Boston the New York and Boston dates aren't up yet Maybe they are check lemon party dot life DC and Philly, New York, and Boston. The New York and Boston dates aren't up yet. Maybe they are. Check lemonparty.live. DC and Philly is for sure up by now. Maybe they are.

We don't know. Somebody else posted Philly for us. We didn't even know that was booked yet. Yeah, I didn't even. We had no clue. We had no clue. We found the link. Someone posted the link to our Reddit.

And I was like, oh, okay. I guess there's tickets for sale. I guess we're doing a healing. I'm all right. Yeah, I was like, oh wow, Philly of the day. All right, cool. No, the Reddit is booking us across the country and we have to show up. That's good Whatever venue they put us in

But and I want to say one thing quick about the LA show I know we said tickets were gonna be at the door So I'm sorry if you were expecting to show up and like wait outside But we had too much ticket anxiety and emails. We're flying in from Anchorage, Alaska. You know, people are arranging to be out of the prison that one day for like visitation, but they're going to come to the show. There's going to be a guy like Bisham and Conair in the changes.

The mask on. So we told you guys are really doing a show on a Saturday. Dude, I'm getting I have the death penalty. I'm getting killed. I'm getting killed on Friday. Dear Governor, can I watch the Lemon Party show?

Then you kill me. You can still kill me. I just want to watch the boy. But if this one goes well, if it's not a shit show, then we'll do more in that way, I think. Yeah. If it's good, it'll be great, because then that'll be like our little hub.

Our little hub, a little beehive. A little hive, because it already looks like a deranged place. It kind of looks like a prison. I seen the owner, last week I saw the owner of the place pour himself two full glasses of Kirkland vodka in front of me and then he just went and sat in front of his computer and just kind of aimlessly typed.

With no mixer, just to the top. Literally, it was a longer glass than this, it was way bigger than this. To the top. Like this, this glass. It was that, it was that, but vodka. Full vodka. He did that twice in front of me and I go, I think we might be okay here. I had a, for a second I was like, does he know what we do? And then I was like, it was that, but vodka. Full of vodka. He did that twice in front of me, and I go, I think we might be okay here. I had a, for a second I was like, does he know what we do?

And then I was like, oh no, you don't even, you can't hear anymore. I do love Hunter S. Thompson being upset at our act. God damn it. That's the way you gotta drink, you take a nice tall juice glass. You take something innocent, that's pure, it should just have orange,

there's like a little painted grapefruits and little lemons on it and blueberries and stuff. And you fill it up with warm vodka. No ice. No mixer. Like a lemonade glass that an old lady gives to detectives that are visiting her. That's what, but you pour vodka in there.

Ma'am, it's awful hot. Can I ask you for a whole glass full of vodka? Hot. Heat it up in the microwave. Ooh, make it hot crotch. I could ask you for a whole glass full of vodka Heat it up in the microwave Put a little old-school thermometer in it with mercury and that's boiling at the tip wait for it to pop and then mix that in the vodka That's the one lemonade actually looks the best is when filmmakers are using that yellow filter and then like it's really it's really hot but everybody's wearing suits Yes, and it's the South. Yeah, and then a racist old woman hands a man of the law a pig She had she hands him in that in that yellow glass and in a black hand reaches. She slaps it No, and she hands it over

She does this like an Italian husband. She goes hey, he Anytime I watch those movies, I'm like, take off the suit jacket. Did they have to do that back then? They were so retarded back then to cool off they put on another suit on top of it. And they go, I don't know what's happening. I'm burning up. Taking out like a literal tarpaulin. Like it just wiping their, all day just wiping your face.

Yeah, with an old diesel rag from a mechanic shop. Yeah, I wouldn't have done. I would have said, fuck that. I wouldn't have been a hat guy when it was cool to, when you had to wear hats. I wouldn't have done that. Not for a fucking second. Those hats look retarded on me.

You were a hat guy? No, no, no. You know how a preach, so John F. Kennedy made it cool to not wear a hat when you were outside. He like, I guess that was like his rock and roll thing is John F. Kennedy didn't wear a hat. He was pretty punk rock. He had his whole head blown off.

Like a Gigi Allen show. He should have been wearing a hat. Walks out to a hardcore show and just puts a rifle in his fucking mouth. People thought he was the devil because he didn't wear a hat. Yeah, that was insane to people. I thought he was the devil because he didn't wear a hat. Yeah. That was insane to people. I thought he was the devil

because he's a dirty mitt. A dirty Irish Catholic bastard, which by the way, happy St. Patrick's Day. Happy St. Patty's Day. Happy St. Patty's Day. The worst holiday for the worst group of people on earth. The Irish. Yeah.

It fell on a weekend. So a lot of people will be dead tomorrow. Usually it's on like a regular day, I think so you can only you can't drunk drive that much Yeah, but yeah, no people are gonna get that Lindsay Lohan Irish movie came out today I guess that had to do something with what the hell is that Irish was it called Irish luck? Somebody was on it's on Irish wish I saw some Netflix I saw some screen cap of it and she's looking out over these beautiful like Irish cliffs that like like priests push little boys I'm sure the cliffs leftover. That's where they rape the kids and they push them. Yeah into the sea

They they fuck them over the cliff and then they just go They fall like pennies off the Eiffel Tower Yeah, they kiss them for luck and then they throw him and they make a wish. And they kick, woo, and then explodes. And Brandy goes everywhere. And Lindsay Lohan shows up in a limo, she gets out, shows her pussy. That's the last thing they say.

She just shows her pussy. They go, Lindsay, we want 2009, Lindsay. Bring that heat for us, bitch. She's looking out over the sea foam of Ireland, like this these are this beautiful mist and wide open blue and like these beautiful green cliffs and then she loads a bomb into a car and blows up at daycare. This is the line I saw from the the screen capture goes she goes wow I feel like I just walked into a James

Joyce novel. A woman who's never every James Joyce novel is about a guy who's like schizophrenic and like is obsessed with like feeding his cat. Well that's novel a woman who's never every James Joyce novel is about a guy who's like Schizophrenic and like it's obsessed with like feeding his cat. Well, that's why she loves James Joyce. She's lived the same life You know what she's watching a man drink a fifth of whiskey and jack off in a field. Yeah, it's like Joyce It's beautiful Lindsay Lohan I remember like five or six years ago there there was a famous video of her like, she was like capturing like a Muslim kid and like. We forget that.

She tried to kidnap a kid. Tried to kidnap a child and like. Turned him into an NFT or something. Yeah, she did. She turned him into like a big monkey with like glasses on and sold him. And a big sailor cap. And a big sailor cap, yeah.

You know, she was like speaking like fake, like Arabic to the kid and like it was very bizarre footage She's fucked up. Yeah, she got into aetherium. I think just for like human trafficking reasons and stuff. Mm-hmm Yeah, that's like that's like that's the cash app of human traffickers It's like prostitutes and like like, you know, just like low-class people Everyone uses cash app that you're like, whenever somebody's like, just Cash App me, I'm like, I'm, something's up with you.

What? Cash App? Yeah, Cash App. People, the Zelle pisses me off. Zelle too. It's like, I don't wanna check my bank account balance, what are you doing to me? It's a damn shame.

You think back during COVID, you think pedophiles were like, like before they molested kids, they were making them like they're like Here i'm gonna i'm gonna stick this thing up your nose real quick and then we gotta wait 10 minutes Oh, they're doing six feet. We gotta swab you a little bit and then stand over there for 10 minutes and wait for this thing To come back. Mm-hmm What was the antigen test? Yeah, the kid tests positive and then he fucks him anyway He was i'm actually a bug chaserigen test. Yeah, the kid test positive and then he fucks him anyway Because I'm actually a bug chaser

pedophile, yeah That must have been a great time to be a bug chaser was during kovat. Yeah 2020 so many damn bugs out there That was when you would probably find out if you're a bug chaser Actually, that was probably the gateway that was the weed of bug chasing for people was kovat now I bet yeah, I bet AIDS has risen post 2020. I bet everybody's trying to get the HIV now. Yeah. HIV. I bet everybody's trying to get it everywhere

all over the country. There's no point, it doesn't even kill you. Yeah, it's actually pretty boring now. Yeah, but I think, see, so here's the thing about me. I feel like if I got HIV though, I would die. Yeah, you'd go pretty quick. Yeah. I feel like I would take the pill and they'd be like,

you're one of the eight people it doesn't work on for some reason. You figure out your wife is somehow an anti-vaxxer for the AIDS vaccine. And then you die all crippled up. What if the doctor has to tell me, you're actually so gay that HIV medicine doesn't work on you? Yeah, you're so homophobic and gay at the same time

that your cells attack your own gay cells. So I did a weird experiment today, or like three days ago at Trader Joe's, I was walking around. Okay, you're gonna describe a hate crime that you did? A Ben Avery experiment. Yeah, you go, I'm looking at Trader Jose. Ben's in Trader Joe's just pointing at Trader Manga going,

look at him. I tried to see if I could gaslight myself into thinking anything. So I was like, just gaslight yourself. Walk around and I was like, just convince, try to convince yourself you're homosexual. So I was walking around Trader Joe's, I was like, that guy's really fucking hot,

love that guy's ass, great legs, wow, look at the package on that dude. I'm like, that guy's looking fucking really good. And I was having this interior monologue for like two minutes, I'm like, fuck, I love the fuck that guy's ass cheeks. Oh, I let that guy come all over my face. After two minutes, I was like, oh, am I fucking gay?

I was like, that guy might be gay. I think I could be tricked into anything. You were really doing this? Yeah, I was really doing oh, am I fucking gay? I was like, I think I might be gay. I think I could be tricked into anything. You were really doing this? Yeah, I was really doing it, walking around, seeing if I could convince myself I'm gay. Because I wasn't worried about convincing myself I'm actually homosexual, because if I could convince myself I'm homosexual,

I could convince myself I'm not. I could just go back. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? There could be like a monkey's paw type thing where you can't go back. You're trapped over there. The monkey's paw's jacking me off. That's very good, right. You know what I mean? It could be like a monkey's paw type thing where you can't go back. You're trapped over there. The monkey's paw's jacking me off.

That's very good, yep. You're like, I'm too smart to be gay or straight. I'm simply retarded. You can actually, I think if someone locked me in a room for like five minutes and just played a tape, like a Guantanamo Bay, like if they locked me up in a- The sissy hip-no stuff?

Yeah, I think someone could just convince me I'm a gay guy. Yeah. Because I used to do it as a kid where I would walk around and I became obsessed with religious stuff where I would go, I'd become, I'd go, I love God, I love God, I love God, I love God.

Cause I was obsessed with saying I love God cause I was afraid that I was actually gonna think I love the devil. So if I kept walking around saying I love God, I would do this all day, I love God, I love God, I love God, I love God. So you were trying to convince yourself you were gay at Trader Joe's because you hate pussy.

Interesting, I never thought of it that way. I think it was just a social experiment. I think you're doubly gay. Yeah, you're doubly gay. And I think you need to leave Katie and just come out. No, I think it's like, I'm like a scientist, I'm conducting experiments with myself.

You're a scientist, you also. All the great psychologists did it. I hate to break it to you, you also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. It's actually a debilitating disease that you have. You do. You have unwanted thoughts in you. Well, the Coca-Cola has the new spice flavor,

which I'm really enjoying. Spice? Is that for dune? It's got chili in it. I don't know what's in it. It tastes like perfume. It's really bad. It's like, it's George Clooney, you know,

bought Coke and he's just putting his perfume in it It's Chanel number five You could just you can now take this coke and just sprinkle it on your armpits and you're fine. You can go on a date But yeah, I think I I think I gaslit myself into thinking I was a gay guy You were at Trader Joe's the whole time. What type did you have at men's house? But I undid it, where I was like, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, and I was like, I don't think I'm gay.

You know what's funny is you telling yourself you're not gay is actually gayer than saying I like that man's ass, and I wanna fuck it. I was doing it to any dude, by the way. Being scared that you're gay is actually the gayest thing you could possibly do. I wasn't scared, I was just, that's the thing, I'm so not gay, I was doing it to any dude by the way. Being scared that you're gay is actually the gayest thing you could possibly do. I wasn't scared, I was just, that's the thing, I'm so not gay, I was like, let me just for the fuck of it,

because I love pussy so much. Yeah, you're like, let me mix it up, it's kind of a boring day. Kinda, yeah, I mean, I'm here with my wife, we're looking at like, you know, the mangoes. You're like, I'm here with my wife, she doesn't look like a man, I gotta fucking figure some shit out on the fly.

The newborn's asleep, you know, she's taking care of, she's the passie and I'm gonna try to see if I'm fucking gay. That would be awesome if you actually figured out you're gay a month after having your first baby. That would rule actually. And you'd die of AIDS, just like an old relative of ours who passed away.

Who died of being gay. Died of being gay in Texas, they beat him to death. They put that on his death certificate. Being gay. Being gay. He just got beat with a tiring iron like the end of a broke back mountain. But they were like, yeah, he died from being gay.

He wanted to fuck God. Yeah, he died. He died from a just death from being gay. Would you guys not have that where you're like, I remember as a kid being like, I love God, and one time I tricked myself. I didn't realize for like two minutes I was saying I love Satan. I love Satan I love Satan I love Satan because I was trying so hard not to say I love Satan that I started saying it

I didn't realize I was and for like two months. I thought I was for sure going to hell like big time Yeah, no Devon didn't have that because he wasn't abused as a child. No, I didn't have the I didn't have that see But how did I develop that and why do I have that? Severe untreated trauma that severely affected you mentally. Nothing really happened to me, I don't think. I was there. I did a lot of stuff. I saw some shit.

You're my abuser. Yeah, I'm like, man, I gotta. I abuse you and you be saying, I would be fucking you, you'd be like, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay. What, was I the, are you my yellow king? Yes. You would pull up outside the house on a lawnmower put spaghetti in my hair

And I'd have big slashes across my face around with a British accent. Mm-hmm Yeah, get that lady from the leftovers and I'm fucking her. She's my wife. I forget she's in the she is it that yeah She's in it for three seconds. She's just lady with gross pussy. That's like her character name Lady with gross pussy lady with meatball skin. Yeah's like her character name. Lady with Gross Pussy, he farts. Lady with meatball skin. Yeah, no, I had that when I was a kid. I had it about the end of the world, because I was told the world would end in a wall fire.

I had that too, yeah. So I think you had this, Devan, where I was convinced if I was constantly thinking about the world end, because they told us it would come like a thief in the night, nobody would suspect it, so if I was constantly thinking about the world ending. Couldn't happen. I was stopping the world from night, nobody would suspect it. So if I was constantly thinking about the world ending. Couldn't happen.

I was stopping the world from ending. Yeah. Almost like an Atlas. I would have that when I had an existential crisis about dying and what the fuck is the point of anything. And so your thoughts would loop? All day in a loop, I'd be like, you're gonna die, you're gonna die, you're gonna die, you're gonna die,

you're gonna die. Because I thought, well, who the fuck dies thinking about them dying? Yeah. It was like a protection. The answer is most people. It's like, it's actually almost it's everybody because people go, Oh, am I dying? And then they do that. I read a thing that apparently like right before people die in the hospital,

they go, am I going to die? And then they die. Like, you know, you kind of know you're four seconds away from dying. So that's them. Those are the most common last words. I read a thing from like some nurse where they're like, yeah, like, yeah, if we're doing chest compressions on a guy, he's bleeding out, and he's like, okay, I'm fine. I'm gonna be fine. And then all of a sudden he'll go, am I gonna die? And then he just, he's out, he's gone.

Yeah, that is actually true. Yeah. My dad's friend recently died, and he said that right before. Really? Yeah. He said, am I gonna die? Neil, he goes, I don't wanna die, and then he died. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. So there's no escaping it, so just be gay, baby. Yeah, am I gonna die Neil he goes I don't want to die and then he died. Yeah

Yeah, so there's no escaping it. So just be gay, baby Dude, you guys would have been proud of me cuz I was walking around like like 65 year old cholo dude with like a chain Wallet, I'd be like I'm gonna wrap that around my dick and balls and jack off with it I'm gonna ride on the back of this guy's Harley. I'm gonna come between his ass cheeks I like the cut of his jib you were really trying to be gay because you weren't looking for hot guys You're looking for just any guys if I saw a guy. Mm-hmm. I would want to fuck him. Yeah, I didn't matter I have that today I just signed up for a weightlifting gym because it shames me into being a better man if I go to like it's like Powerlifters. Yeah, there's a guy in there huge no shirt on like just jacked

He grabbed like a 45 for me and just started like doing like flies with him And I was just I had to like stare at him from across the gym Yeah, I was like I just got I want to look at this guy. He's a beautiful guy. Yeah, you know beautiful men out there It's just a little Ben decided to do this at Trader Joe's like something about Trader Joe's interesting to me Here's the thing I'm gay for all the employees at Trader Joe's is interesting to me. Here's the thing, I'm gay for all the employees at Trader Joe's. That's true. Every guy working at Trader Joe's,

when I'm like checking out at the end, when they like bag all my stuff, I wanna be like, you wanna like play catch after this? Or something like, there's something so wholesome about you. We can go to Gold Digger down the street. Do you wanna like get a bar? Like, I kind of am in love with you, you're so nice. You asked me about all these questions about like the pot stickers I got. You go, you like these pot stickers? And I go of am in love with you. You're so nice, you ask me about all these questions

about the pot stickers I got. You go, do you like these pot stickers? And I go, yeah, they're great. And you go, yeah, they go on long rants about the food there. It's always so funny, because I'm checking out and I'm in such a bad mood, because you're in Trader Joe's, which sucks.

It's a human retarding pile. No one has any spatial awareness at Trader Joe's, by the way. Yeah, Trader Joe's, you need those bubbles that they put paralyzed dogs in, so they don't walk into anything. No, I throw awareness of Trader Joe's, by the way. Yeah, Trader Joe's, you need those bubbles that they put paralyzed dogs in, so they don't walk into anything. No, I throw bows at Trader Joe's. People are like, they turn into complete idiots.

No, no, I've put shopping carts into old Chinese ladies' ankles at Trader Joe's. You gotta be cutthroat in that. My new conscious method at Trader Joe's is I pretend no one exists except me, and that's how I survive. Well, you'd love the El Hambrot Trader Joe's, because there's one exists except me. And that's how I survive. Well, you'd love the Alhambra Trader Joe's. Because there's a lot of 60 year old Asian women

who I don't think can see other people. The shopping carts at the Alhambra Trader Joe's full of Chinese people, they're all dentists. You have to have triple A to shop at Trader Joe's. I swear to God I saw an old Asian lady, blinker was on the shopping cart. I don't know how I got there I feel like an Asian Asian like Chinatown Trader Joe's I feel like to walk in they have to load you up in that thing

Pinball shoot out of and you shoot into an actual pinball machine You're just like grabbing fucking chocolate Yeah, I'm getting high scores going off. I'm going into a giant mechanical tongue and trying to grab corn There's a cat a lucky cat with the paw going up and down that is kind of back. That's jacking you off Yeah, it is jacking me off, but then you go to check out and I'm in such a shitty mood I'm like I just want to get out of here and eat these pigs in a blanket that I got and They're trained to do this I and it pisses me off at first cuz because they'll be like, you find everything?

I'm like, yeah. And they're like, man, love these pork rinds that you got. And I'll always start by being like, fuck off with your corporate thing. And then 30 seconds in, I'm like, yeah, no, man. I like use your skateboard, like a skateboarder. Like that rules, dude. I always wanted to get into that.

And then I'm tricked into being a human. May I defend Trader Joe's? That's the whole thing. May I defend Trader Joe's? That's the whole thing. May I defend Trader Joe's? I have a little intel about Trader Joe's because as you guys know, I do frequent my local Chick-fil-A and I do dine in. It's like my taxi driver, you know how he meets up

with the other taxi drivers at the coffee shop? With Wizard. Yeah, with Wizard, yeah. I do that at Chick-fil-A. You go to Chick-fil-A and you stare down black people. And you go, they're all pimps. Every one of them, every last one of them's a fucking pimp. Yeah, you're in Taxi Driver scaring all the other people,

being like, whoa, that's actually really racist, dude. You're so racist, you get fired for being a cab driver. Yeah, wizard's like, listen, I'm the grand wizard of the KKK. That's why they call me this. And you're being like fucked up right now. I frequently see my fellow Trader Joe's cash years at Chick-fil-A before their shifts, which is around,

I guess they have shifts, maybe the late shifts like four to 10 or something. They, it is four to 10 because I think the early shift is like seven to five. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. My mom used to work there at four to ten because I think the early shift is like seven to five. Yeah. Yeah, something like my mom used to work They're four to ten when I was 25 I applied for a job there and they told me no in person and I was like why? It seemed like you really don't like want to work or like that's so funny job. They seem like you're you're just somewhere

Yeah, I had a job interview there My mom got it for me when she was working there at another location And I the job interviews at like 7 a.m And I was like a fucking you know, I would smoke weed all night to go to bed But I didn't smoke weed in the morning. I showed up had the interview I was always nervous with interviews because it's a very it's a very bizarre thing to like be trying to get something you desperately don't want It's a weird you're Rika and you're Rika like I don't want this but I'm nervous a weird. And you reek of it. And you reek of like, I don't want this, but I'm nervous and I'm pretending to be like an adult

entering the workforce. And it's such a weird ritual because you show up and they're like, show me how good you can lie to me right now. Yeah. Tell me a bunch of lies about yourself. And I'm just, I was just, I don't know, I thought I was like fine, but my mom calls me

like two hours later and she goes, were you high? Like everyone there thought I was high and I didn't get the job. But to you and to me like two hours later and he's like, were you high? Like everyone there thought I was high and I didn't get the job. But to you and to me too, a job is like jury duty every day of your life forever. Yeah. Like you don't want the job. Also it was insulting because it's like,

don't give me that shit Trader Joe's, okay? There's fucking guys that like stack the fucking aisles who have like the LA Dodgers logo tattooed on their cornea. Get the fuck out of here. I've seen dudes like Bob Marley stacking. Are you kidding me? There's like Haitian cannibals working at Trader Joe's. They got barbecue runs it.

That guy is that guy. He's like the new leader of Haiti. Oh, cool. Yeah, he's a cannibal. He's ruining the entire. Yeah, it's great. He eats babies. I love that Haiti will still be like, yeah, he's a cannibal. He's ruining the entire country. It's great. He eats babies. I love that Haiti will still be like, yeah, we do cannibal shit. The currency is sacrificing children and he ate too many of them and fucked up the economy.

Yeah. No, our president is 2024. Our president is a Morden Joe. It rules. No, apparently, Haiti is like the road now. Really? Yeah, that rule. They don't even have shopping carts because they never had grocery stores It's really it's really fucked up. And they never had roads. It's just the field. If you brought a shopping cart to Haiti, Civil War would break out over that shopping cart. The grocery store is they just slice open a human's belly and people just start grabbing at things. Like, oh I got the lungs. Did you get the? They're so poor, there's civil wars, just them using other people to fight people.

I'll see photos on Twitter where I'm like, oh man, this is like 70 BC, Pompeii, these are the people, I'm like, no, this is Haiti last month. Yeah, this is their hospital, their best hospital in Haiti. And it's a guy, you go to the hospital in Haiti and it's a doctor walking up with a big rock and he smashes your ass.

You see people calcified in ash? Yeah, you see, he's like, what is wrong with you? And then it's a guy and then he just blows away. And even though they're resorting to cannibalism, they're still all gonna starve to death because they're gonna convince themselves the person they're eating's gay. Let him rock.

Here's my little inside info about the Trader Joe's employees. Because a lot of people go, oh, so and so he's a nice guy, but he's faking it. Here's the thing about the Trader Joe's employees. I see them frequently. Six of them, they meet up at Chick-fil-A before and they all eat together and then go into their shift. And they're all like the tightest friend group I've ever seen.

So they're actually like happy retards. They're great. People are Trader Joe's. I don't even know if they're retarded. I think now they're not. They're like what human beings are supposed to be. They're actually like the best people on earth, Trader Joe's employees.

That actually says a lot about me, that if somebody's happy and nice, I'm like, oh, so they're retarded. They're retarded. I'm like, no, it's like kind of the best you can do now actually. They're all. They're like the peak of humanity. They're allarded. They're retarded. I'm like, no, it's like kind of the best you can do now actually. They're all- It's like the peak of humanity.

They're all like aspiring artists or just kind of like bohemians that are a little lost or like a lady that used to like live in like Slab City for like 15 years. And you know, they're all people that are like, just kind of like, they're all like kind of artisty or ex gang bangers. They're right on the line from being intolerable.

It's like a white girl with weird braids and a nose ringer and her name is TP. And you're fucking, you're almost too shitty for me to even look you in the eye. It's the only place where you'll be getting checked out by a 67 year old Arab guy who used to be a king. He literally used to be a king somewhere. Yeah, he moved to America and works as Trader Joe's.

Yeah. And his best friend is a white girl named Twig. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And they smoke weed until like four in the morning and they talk about their hopes and dreams. Yes, everybody, it looks like an Uber. Like it looks like when you see an Uber

but you can't see the stickers, you go, is there an old Filipino man, great friends with like four white chicks? What the fuck am I looking at right now? They offer great recommendations too when you're checking out. They're amazing. They're like, have you tried the pumpkin cookie things?

Here's a little problem with Trader Joe's and I'll, you know, listen. Every, every, here's the thing. I love it, it's my favorite place. But it's my favorite place, but it's my favorite place But every time I'm checking out I look down and they've they've Stay they've like stapled a piece of paper to the checkout thing that says by the way If you have gotten the the fucking the pot stickers

The chicken pot stickers this last month. Mm-hmm bring them back Cuz you're dying. There's plastic in them. It's also, they've always, it was like last month, cause they won't be like, oh the broccoli has E. coli, they're like, we lost a man's hook hand in the broccoli.

So one bag is bad. We have to recall the whole thing. And their favorite thing is to go like, oh that item that everyone wants, we discontinued it, for some strange reason. It's an interesting place, but it's a weird place for you

to have had a gay fantasy yet. Oh, it wasn't a fantasy, it was a reality for a few minutes. You were really gay. No, it was like I went into the gay simulation and I was like, yeah, I think I'm a gay guy. Are you trying to escape this life? I've been feeling a very heavy weight on my chest like a man is sitting on top of

me. Because you've been having gay sex with a dude. And he's been sitting on your chest shirking off into your mouth. Because you're gay! That's right. That's right. No I mean it would be a good way to escape you know the pressures of being a father because you can always lean on the I'm gay And I need to explore and then my wife would be a bigot if she doesn't support my new path, right?

Yeah, yeah, you can't Katie could be like hey you still need to pay like child support like I'm kind of fucked now And I get a fucking bigot you hate gay people fuck you Great you're in court and the judge gives you fucking child support? By the way, I think, I don't even know what being gay is anymore, because I'll see a guy in my algorithm where it's like his suits are tailored. And I'm like, he's probably gay. Yeah.

His clothes fit. He might be a gay guy. You will see a lot of guys who are 24, and they Like have the black paint and nails and like the one Cross earring but they're straight and I got to what that actually is is that's like a trapdoor spider for raping 23 year old women. Yeah, it's address like, you know, you're like, you're like I'm non-binary But I will rape the shit out of you when you're drunk. It's the, I call them like bisexual treehouse friends. We're just up in the treehouse and we're all by,

come hang out and then you get up there, they're like close the door. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding, I only fuck pussy. Yeah. And if I wanna fuck it, I get it. Yeah, like you could jump.

You might break your legs though, we're in a treehouse. It's bisexual treehouse friends. It is, I removed the ladder. If you try to meet me, I'll try and kill myself in front of you. I'll go to your dad's house and try to kill myself. Any bisexual dude from like Austin, Texas who looks like Bart Simpson has like three rape accusations

against him. Yeah, by the way, everyone in Austin is not a person. No, Austin is the town from like the Simpsons hit and run games. It's not real. Nobody there had a vibe of a real human being. In fact, everyone in Austin looked like they had just been released into the wild by the Queer Eye guys.

Like the Queer Eye guys just came into their home, dressed them, remade their kitchen, and they were just like, get out there, honey, just fucking date and walk around. Yeah, downtown they opened a cage and this guy came running out. They gave me a leather jacket and good shoes, and I'm ready.

Oh, I'm 53, I just started listening to the Black Keys. God, fuck yeah, I heard there's a Dina Tai Fung in downtown Austin now. I'm gonna try and dim some. Oh, I'm gonna dress like Leon Bridges. I think that's cool. Yeah, no, no one there seemed real to me. No, Austin's a piece of, we should nuke that whole fucking city.

But it's a comedy capital. No, we can't now, Tommy Pope moved there. Oh, that's right. And Chris O'Connor. Too many people I like are there now, but they're the- Everyone I love has moved to Austin. Everyone that is, yeah, but they're not from Austin now. Who even is from Austin?

What even is Austin? It's LA without the income tax. It really sucked ass. Like, it's so gloomy all the time. I know. Every tree is dying. It just doesn't even feel, it literally doesn't even have a culture or a place.

It doesn't have. Devin's woke. It doesn't have anything. Devin's woke. It doesn't have anything. He loves cuckophonia. Devin, you're a member of woke. Yeah.

I'm a California liberal cuck. You're cuckophornication. Sorry folks. Sorry, Devin is a cuck. He's a California cuck who hates the worst comedy specials to ever have been made. No! Hey, if you don't like my knock knock jokes about rape,

you're woke. If you don't like my new comedy special titled like black people jokes and it's 22 minutes long, you're woke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we just watched a really nice special. We'll talk about it. Oh, Devon got us.

Devon got us worked up before this episode for close to an hour. It's just a lot of my daughter was out of the house because there was a lot of screaming. A lot of comics like they might as well be eating a popsicle. And then they take like three minutes. No, it's not saying a word. And then they just read the stick. And then they go, hold on, let me get a Snapple, because I want to then they just read the stick and then they go

hold on let me get a Snapple because I want to be smart. And then they read the Snapple cap. They go Jaguars are native to, they're like I gotta say the N word real quick. N word Ecuador N word. Now you know what comic I'm talking about. But then the crowd they'll'll look around they're like fuck Is he really saying that yeah, they're like doing this like Whole yeah, everyone does this now. Yeah, like is he really saying this in the place where you only say that all the time?

It's a lot of guys every night no matter what yeah Yeah, it's a lot of guys wearing hats that are like tattered, but they bought it tattered Yeah, like that's the style they buy is that it looks like it's been heavily worn cost nine hundred dollars. Yeah people that wear clothes They look like they fell in a rock tumbler. Yeah, and they just got out. Yeah. Yeah, but anyway, you know, I don't know It's it's a great place what they've garnered over there. I mean everybody I love is in Austin now that is true That is true. That's what I'm just saying All of my friends are in on when I like 12 friends in Austin and I only have three friends in LA Yeah, we will be there number. I want to see will be there a lot. Yes, I think but it's just I'm just saying just

I love it. I'm saying city wise. I don't know whatever how how did it ever used to be cool? I don't understand what that city is Well, it used to be cool and then they started doing comedy there and that's when it was really that really ruined. That's true Yeah, comedy was like crack in DC for Austin. Yeah, it just destroyed that community And it's right cuz it used to be like Bill Hicks and you know It's always right cuz they'll be like Austin was the scene they like they had Bill Hicks and Jimmy Pineapple It's always funny because they'll be like, Austin, what's the scene? They're like, they have Bill Hicks and Jimmy Pineapple.

You're like, I don't know who's Jimmy. And by the way, also that was Houston. That wasn't even Austin. And it wasn't. And then the Austin tries to claim, they kind of try to sneak it in. They go, first off, it was Houston. I go, by the way, I've never seen

Jimmy Pineapple do stand up. I can guarantee he sucks cock. Yeah. His name is Jimmy Pineapple. You know what I do like about Austin though? I do like that the whole, the renaissance has happened there and everyone moved down there. And now all the

Comics that we when we were coming up people were like they're an Austin guy and I was like well that guy sucks ass I'm glad they have no home anymore. Yes. I'm kind of glad they got like the rent was raised on them Yeah, it is not they got gentrified. Yeah, they got it's bad comedians getting gentrified by bad comedian. Yeah, exactly No, I mean I started in Austin like fucking ten years ago and it was like what you know, like you on must Thanks like California is now I was one of Jason shows like ten years ago in a comic book store and people going up And they're they're like, okay space invaders folks You know remember space invaders a guy who looked like Harry John Candy did 10 minutes on Diablo 3 do people would do I'm not kidding and people were going into bits about like back good like who remembers Battletoads, right? They're like they're like, I mean if you watch collect Battlestar Galactic

I think flea form is a bit of a nerd Like Chris Hardwick and then you'd see these like fucking dickless pussies nerds. Yeah see of them like laughing Yeah, actually now that I think about it, comedy's better now in Austin than it was two years ago. It is, it's way better. Yeah, but it's like going from rape to sexual assault. Well, at least the smells in the room are less bad. It's a lot better.

I like that Rogan posts pictures of turkey hot dogs with lucha libre hot sauce and 17 eggs. I've pointed out to you guys, what's the point of having the money if the posts are the exact same? As a guy who lives in a trailer in his 50s. He has a divorced dad Instagram. It should be a picture of a bunch of empty beer cans

from that weekend. It's a blurry post of like your elk. It's a blurry sandwich. It should say, got the kids for the weekend and it's just a selfie of your face from your elk. It's a blurry sandwich. Yeah. It should say got the kids for the weekend and it's just a selfie of your face from this fucking angle. And then a blurry photo. He's in the front row of a black keys concert. Mm hmm. He's like these black keys kick ass.

I just started using Pandora to find you. You go and play the one from the Hyundai commercial. Do the credit karma one. This is listening to commercial music at this point. I love him. But picturing him like all little in his skinny jeans and just like doing this in the front row to like thick freakness. Holding a pair of scoops so he could see

over four people in front of him. No, he's in the front row, but he still needs one of those to see up. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, the stage is like blocking. He can just see the top of like fucking Dan Auerbach's hair. They bring him to a special section where he stands on dictionaries. I

Fucking love it. So I love does exactly what he loves. Yes fucking loves what he loves No, he's like he doesn't give me he's like a human dog. Like you're not gonna Post like anybody's uncle on Facebook. Yeah, somehow he has 200 million followers He'll be at a black keys concert being like now the white stripes. They're a little a little much for me He was literally Greta Van Fleet was invented for Joe Rogan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because he's up and they got too much kick to a great If Greta Van Fleet's pretty fucking cool, though I mean it does rule the you know be doing zeppelin for money, so that's cool. Mm-hmm Maybe dude, you know what? I just kind of realized this whole thing about tricking myself into being gay

Yeah, I think I could create any kind of life. I want for myself through OCD Mmm, I could walk around and be like, you know Whatever is the new bad thing that sucks ass that everybody likes and is constantly on TV. You could get obsessed with it. No, I could just start walking around saying, I love, you know, I love, I love the new Marvel movie. I love the new Marvel movie. I love the new Marvel movie.

And then I go, I think I, guys, I'm thinking the new Avengers film is the shit. You just walk around like, madda web kicked ass, madda web kicked ass, madda web kicked ass, madda web kicked ass. It would be so funny to get into superhero movies the minute everybody fucking hates them. It would be so funny.

Like if it anywhere that's for fucking news is Madame Webb is like for real, oh jeez. Yeah as a reactionary dude who has no real opinions, which is not me by the way, I'm just doing it for the bit. A reactionary dude has no real opinions, as soon as they're out of vogue, I'm gonna be the guy in like 2031 who can't shut the fuck up about Avengers Endgame.

Yeah. Or like, guys, remember, I'm like, remember Avengers Endgame. Remember the Ant-Man quantum mania. I'm like, remember the classic cinema. You're doing a- Remember the golden age of cinema. You're in the criterion closet

There any of your you for some reason it's much further than our careers You're like, man, if you guys you guys see an Ant Man 5. I don't see a man 5. What's this little hang bullshit? Fucking gay French black and white bullshit. Fuck this shit. Hey, I have an idea to go viral right now. What's that? Okay, all three of us, let's go through, and listeners can clip this, and then post it all over social media, or each of us are gonna say our top five favorite movies, and just say the worst films of all time,

and then clip these things, but completely out of context. Okay. Who wants to go first? Adventures of Pluto Nash. Hold on, here, I'll set up the clip Devin what is your what are your top five favorite? Let me take that again Devin. What are your top five favorite movies of all time? The adventures of Pluto Nash great choice Madame Web really good. I haven't seen it, but I heard I read reviews. It's really mean girls the remake the musical Yeah, I didn't like the first one. The first one was a little too confusing to me.

Too structurally sound and funny, narratively good. Saltburn. And fuck, number five's tough. Number five's tough. I mean, I love Yaha Shazam and what she's been doing to cinema lately. Who's Yaha Shazam and what she's been doing to cinema lately. Who's Yaha Shazam? A made up person.

Oh, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You know, Promising Young Woman, I thought was like incredible, so dark. Devin is, what's funny is all the viral clips I'm seeing of actors saying their top five films Devin is matching the ethos like perfectly of them being Absolute cocksuckers about naming their top five movies you're talking about the letterbox movie

Oh, have you seen those viral shorts of celebrities talking about their top five favorite? Yeah, it'll be very funny because they'll have like it'll be like a film with you know like sir Ian McCallan and like you know Jam sportsbook, you know like this 15 year old girl with massive tits who's a movie star now. And Sir Ian McKellen will be like, well the Bicycle Thieves was great. And they'll cut to her and she's like, Toy Story 4 was the best Toy Story.

Oh and, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. Oh, I love that movie. It's so good. It's just the new class. It's just the new, it's the new class. It's the new class. It's the new class of guy. The new filmmakers are taking like, they're like,

it's like a buffet, right? Cause all the greats that came before, a little bit of Hitchcock, a little bit of Scorsese, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. A little bit of comedy. And a little bit of fun. A little bit of ability to laugh at yourself. You have someone like Pete Davidson in the mix.

How's the flick not gonna be a romp? Can I give you my top five? Go ahead, Jace, I'd love to hear your top five. Number one, Avengers one. Number two, Avengers, Age of Ultron. Number three, Avengers, Infinity War. Number four, Avengers, Endgame. Number five, 120 Days of Sorrow.

That's a weird thing about that. This is like a movie thing. If you watch the Criterion Closet, Closet. That's what it's called. I think it's what it's called. Isn't it called the Criterion Collection? No, no, no, there's a closet.

Oh. There's a closet where they send young actors, faggot, get away from me. I want to, I'm gay. I want to have sex with you. I know you're going to pass it on to me. Like zapping me with static. They go into a closet and they like have to like there's all the criteria moves and they were like, oh, I love this Okay, it's like those shows where people talk about their favorite shoes. Yeah

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that is. But sure there's a big shoe show on YouTube Not my cup of tea Not a shoes guy Devon. Sorry. Not a shoes guy, Devon. Sorry. Sorry Devon, not shoes guys, not hat guys. But they go into the closet and for whatever reason, every single director is like, oh 120 days of Sodom. I love that movie, it's great.

And it kind of makes you think like, oh are they actually like pedophiles? Right. Like Hollywood pedophiles. I think they just think it's like, sounds good. Yes. But that is also true. Yes.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. You say that, you go, I guess everyone in Hollywood is a pedophile and all the lights in your start going crazy. Like in a car dealership when someone sells a car. And then the SWAT team swings through like a Sicaria. Yes, yes. Just fucking good.

What's your top five then? Number one right at the top, I mean this is very obvious, the Robin Williams Popeye movie, the live action Popeye that Robin Williams starred in. The worst Robin Williams movie. Yes, and the worst Robin Altman movie, and all his movies suck ass. Fuck him, I'm glad he's dead.

The player, more like the gay or that movie sucks Number two you guys know I'm a huge Patrice O'Neill fan. So number two furry vengeance Also my favorite Brendan Fraser movie that is a great one my second favorite Jim Norton movie by the way Yeah, Jim Norton's in that too. Yeah, my first favorite is the one where Robert De Niro plays that comedian from The comedian the comedian. How can I write? How can I forget? Oh, I'm already can I can I go with one that hasn't come out? You're Devin shoot Ezra. I already know it's gonna be my favorite all of all time Bobby Canna Valley and his autistic kid Robert De Niro's the uncle It's Bobby Canna Valley as you've never seen him before a retarded Italian guy We have to watch that on the patreon at patreon.arded Italian guy. We have to watch that on the Patriot on a picture.

Yeah, we have to watch it on the Patriot. After this, it is I showed it to Devin and he turned the colors of hell. Yeah, it was insane. I thought Devin was like, I was like, am I as my best friend, a teapot? What is he? It was crazy. I had to like turn the phone down. I'm like, Devin, it's OK. It is Bobby Cannavale all he has an autistic son That's the movie and he's literally going like he's not a bad kid. He's just like a spaghetti and meatballs

Sometimes you gotta heat him up a little bit Bobby kind of always sucks ass. Okay number I'm so mad. I picked up a pen to make points He's a one-dimensional fgot. And anytime I see. I think he compliments Giamatti well in that one movie where Giamatti's like a wrestler. He's not going to fuck you, dude, all right? I can't hear that.

No, he's good. He's good in a lot of movies. But it's like, I'm like, all right, enough of Bobby Cannavale being Bobby Cannavale. With the hair. With the hair. Have a different hair. Like the hair. With the hair. Have a different hair.

Like that, you know. And then every time I see Robert De Niro in a trailer, it makes me want to kill him for his own good. The fact that he just has to keep pumping out these piece of shit movies. Yeah, so he could feed his flack family. Yeah. Yeah, because his child support payment

is like literally $50,000 a month somehow. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. anyway, sorry number three is the machine Can number four be a stand-up special Of course number four is the crowd work special from Matt rife Is his second one that he put out in Niagara Falls? Oh, okay the 50 minute long. That's a pretty good one that one I like cuz I I like rice raw stuff a little bit more than his Paul because he does like a funny like Sketch at the beginning to write with Ashton Kutcher Ashton Kutcher when I saw him in that I knew he killed that woman in like

2004 the thing about artists. I like the raw stuff from I like it's like you want to fill them in your fingertips You know, you know, like it's like I feel alive when I put on a wryfe. Yeah. Well, who doesn't? But yeah, keep going. Number five is probably, I'm going to go with, hmm. Number five, see, this is tough for me because I'm, I have really bad taste and stuff.

Mm-hmm. So I have a Rolodex of the worst movies ever made. I mean I'm literally looking at a blu-ray of the whale so that tracks. I'm gonna say, let me think here. You know what number five, my comfort movie, Sea Spot Run. The David Arquette movie. The David Arquette movie from?

The David Arquette movie with the little dog. That convinced mom that we could adopt a dog. The movie that actually doesn't exist anymore because not a single person has thought about it since 2003. Not a single person in the world. It has not been lost to time, it never existed. It's been deleted from time.

That is the new thing though, movies about dogs now. What? They had Channing Tatum in the dog movie, and now. What's that called? A fucking dog, I think. It's called dog. It's called dog, yeah. And then now Mark Wahlberg's in another one

where he's running a marathon and he finds a dog. Trains a dog to kill a Chinese guy. Exactly, trains a dog to blind Vietnamese people in South Bosnia. Now that's the secret life of pets. Very good, very good, very good. Louis is in the secret life of Pats. He is in the secret life and so is Kevin Hart. He plays a tour that goes my fucking,

I wanna jack off with Chinese food. Where you going? What happened? Oh okay, did Devin piss himself? No, no, I think he was close to the verge of pissing himself Oh really well get a prance out of the room. He's a fucking drunk. He came over with ciders I know he's got a fucking problem. He came he came home with this weird fucking witchcraft beer

This weird seltzer that he drinks cider sucks. He's a retard fuck side. I hate that fucks out I hate watch sucks. Yeah Terrible I hate every one of those guys. They hate. I hate watch sucks. Yeah. Watch is terrible. I hate every one of those guys. They're not my friends. No, I'm just kidding. I love everybody on Hey, watch, except for John.

Thanks. John has been driving me nuts. John's close to a blocking. I love. I love John so much, but it is funny. Everywhere we did the live lemon party podcasts, people come up to us after and they'd be screaming. They'd be like make I fucking hate John Yeah, John fucking sucks at people like security would have to take that beauty of John is that he's a human punching bag

Every finger it needs one of those guys, but no, we're just kidding and he loves it Wow, I mean if the mics were off we'd be talking shit about Devon right now cuz he just left the room But this is recorded. He's going to listen to it later. Can I tell you by the way, did you watch Poor Things, the Emma Stone movie? No. Oh, you hate women. OK, never mind. That's right.

Yeah. I also can't watch movies where women get fucked, because then I'm with my wife, and she's just going to stare at me watching the woman get fucked. Does she get angry about that? No, but it's just like, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Watch a 10 minute scene of a woman getting fucked next to my wife? When I'm with my girlfriend and the sex scene comes in the movie I go I go. Yeah

You should fuck me like them you go. Hey get some peepers on that action right there. You see the way she takes cock Take some notes You were during a sex scene in the movie When when we watch sex scenes in a movie we you bring a notepad, you hand it to your girlfriend, you go, honey, peepers on screen, take notes. Take notes. And you go click, click, you click a very loud fucking pen and hand it to them. The loudest, kwoosh.

And I go, you're not taking notes. Take notes, sweetheart. You see the way Jennifer Tilly really grinds on his balls. I have one of those, I make my wife watch porn and I dress up like Patton and I walk around Oswald. And you get a fentanyl. I smother her with a pillow. I walk around with like a big dowel and I start whipping the screen

and I go like that, like that. Eyes on the screen, David, like that. That's how you take. I start whipping the plasma screen and it's shattering. Yeah, ripping through, yeah. I drill a hole in the TV and I fuck it. Yeah, I just watched a real hot piece of ass movie, The Bound by the Wachowski brothers

before they both chopped their dicks off. Yeah, they're both trans, right? They're both, they're the Wachowski sisters now. The Wachowski sisters now which has these sisters What are the chances the sisters brothers? Very great. It's always good very good. I've just said yeah, what are the chances to people? Their brothers both are like no, but I am a woman. I don't know what if that's what if you really escaped the matrix You like oh, I have to be trance now

Morpheus is like neo you have to cut your cock off. They're like, turn me into Carrie Anne Moss. But great film though. Lot of sex? Lot of hot, hot sex. Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon, and they're just, they're rubbing their pussies up, I don't know how they do it.

Oh my gosh. They're sliding their pussies up and down like they're trying to lock them into place. I love sex in films. It's, you know what's interesting is that all the fucking these gay The zoomers yeah, but also the now with the new movies They got these guys that come on set that like they're in there called intimacy coordinators It's pretty gay. Yeah, you did you deal with one on your yeah, and it's like hey, just let me go to town pal No, but it's just weird, it's like,

it's already an uncomfortable thing, and then you got a person holding your hip up, and you're like, okay, don't quite do that. I don't know, it just makes it more uncomfortable. Just let them have sex. Literally a guy there. They really should have sex. They should fuck.

It should be like all of, what's his face in this movie? It's Vincent Gallo. I don't know, but they should let me fuck they should let you have sex with a gay guy at Trader Joe's You know, it's been throwing me through a loop. What's that your mind for a loop through a loop for a loop? I Think if no one ever told me I would think my shit is my piss and my piss is my shit It's a more lemon party thing to bring up what I mean this is not sick I'm this is a real thing because we're told that we eat food and we poop

mmm, and now we're told that we drink water and we pee but Like literally poops are the shape of like soda cans. I would like all I drink is soda You know that painting of all the philosophers from ancient Greece like walking down that big stairway? I would love you right between Plato and Socrates being like, what if shit was called poop and poop was called shit? Are you meaning a thousand years from now people are looking back and I'm a guy? Right, they're at the Louvre and they're like,

well that guy was a fucking retard, I can tell. I'd love for there to be one scene in Oppenheimer where he's meeting up with you next to a lake. And you're just saying that. And he's meeting up with you next to a lake And you're just saying that right he's like right, okay Thanks, then spring tonic classroom, and he's going you can be gay, but you can also be straight now How can both things be true at the same time? They can't you're gay For you try to fuck Einstein theorized that he himself was gay. And I turn around and I start scribbling F-A-G.

E. F-A-G. Right. E equals my cock square. I think being smart is just doing this with a piece of chalk, like crazy. Yeah. Psst.

Pop, pop, pop. Yeah. Forrest. If you're so smart, your arm has to move that fast. Yeah. You couldn't possibly just do this. I think they just make it your arm has to move that fast. Yeah. You couldn't possibly just do this. Mm-hmm. I think they just make it all up.

I hate that shit. I hate chalkboard guys in movies that do it. You're not smart because you just, you write all shitty and fucked up. I hate a chalkboard guy. And it's loud, fuck off. Yeah, yeah. Get a dry erase board.

It's about time we took them to task. Oh god, I could go on and on about that, but we would lose the entire audience right now. So, but, would lose the entire audience right now, so but Hear me out Piss piss smells like food more than poop smells like food poop just smells like shit piss you can eat asparagus and it smells like asparagus or you can Eat something really fucked up and your piss will smell like that food like if you eat like a bunch of like syrup on

Pancakes and your piss smells like sweet I think I think you're something's fucked up with your not sure what's going on I think I would think that food gets melted in my body and comes out of my penis And then I would think that if I drink something from a can it would come out shaped like a can so since I drink soda I would think like poop is basically like poop is It come like that's how your body gets rid of the poop And I would think you could crack open your poop like an egg and all the water and the soda is in there like it Forms its own can. This is starting to feel like the moment of the podcast that we realize we're finished

It's you know what it is it's the scene in walk hard where he's trying to write a new song in Wokhar when he's trying to write a new song. He's like, Wokhar, no damn it! Fuck! We take so many things as defaults in this world. And I think if no one was there to tell us this, I think like 1% of the population would think their piss is food and their shit is. Have you ever tried, here's how I'll meet you,

not halfway, I'll meet you 1 16th of the way. Cause that's insane, you're an insane person. Yeah, I still can't, I'm trying to think about that. Meet me 3 5ths of the way. I'll meet you 3 5ths of the way in a mule. Listen to me, I will sometimes walk around, I did this year to that, walk around a grocery store. That's shaped like a shit,

that glass is shaped like a shit, it makes sense. What? Yeah, but not the liquid in it, if there was no. Also, shit is not shaped like that. It's not conical. What shit do you have? A shit is shaped like a glass. Are you shitting pints out?

What does your shit look like? Is it a ball? It's all over the place. It looks like shit. It looks like what shit looks like, not that. It's disgusting. It looks... I never look at it.

I flush it, I shit it out, I go, yes! I'm picturing Devin turning around and looking at it and going, ah, it out, I go, again! I'm picturing Devon turning around and looking at it, going, ah, it looks like shit! Ha ha ha ha ha! Honey! Every time I take a shit I look at it, I go, again? Ha ha ha ha!

Honey, get in here, it keeps happening! Ha ha ha ha! She thinks you're dying. It's something wrong with me? I shit everywhere. The great Ben Avery told me it's supposed to look like a bottle! I shit everywhere the great bed every Bottle I

Think my shits literally are supposed to say like sprite remix on the side It's like 16 ounce like a nutrition label. You actually drink so much coke It does come out in a bottle. My ass is a vending machine I eat quarters and sodas come out of my ass. You have so much microplastics in your blood that it forms a Sprite bottle in case you're shitting it. You drink so much vending machine soda. By the way, you know how fucked we are, real quick, is that on Reddit, I keep seeing these big things about microplastics being a really big problem,

and then finding them in arteries and whatever. Sure. But then all the comments, they make it seem like, no, no, there's a solution to this. And it's just everyone saying, if you donate plasma, it gets rid of the plastic. So it's all these people like, shit, where do I go to do that?

So like everyone's gonna start donating blood and plasma to like get rid of microplastics. Yeah, people are like, if you cut out your spine, you're reducing by half. That's fucking retarded. If you give your kidney away, it reduces the amount. I love a Huberman guy for like literally a problem of capitalism just destroying all of us.

I mean, it's in the fucking ice sheets in Antarctica. Also, that study where it was like there's microplastics and all these people that died of like heart attacks and stuff. It's like they were already like huge fat people with heart problems already. Oh, I didn't see that one. They were making it seem like the microplastics clogged their arteries. Which is retarded.

I mean, if you're a great big fat person and they die of a heart attack, you're like, well, we don't. We know exactly what happened. Andrew Huberman leaning over the fat spaghetti guy from Seven. Being like, hmm, yeah, let me test his blood levels for microplastics. Yeah, he shows up to the VEBS, we got a guy from 7,

and he goes, this guy didn't get morning sunshine in his eyes. He must have been dehydrated. He was dehydrated because he didn't put salt in his water when he drank it. He didn't do Wim Hof. Yeah. Also, I love, anytime we talk about Andrew Heumann,

it turns five guys into like, shut the fuck up! Oh, we got posted on their Rogan subreddit, and people got furious. Also, I love anytime we talk about Andrew human it turns five guys into like We got posted on their rogue and subreddit and people got furious Yeah, yeah, well famously great sense of humor on the rogue and subreddit by the way If you are on a subreddit typing comments, you're a fag Call JSA 7 thirty in the morning. I go, someone called you a cuck again on the Internet. You have done that before. Like it's seven. I'm like, someone called you a cuck.

Can I hang up? I'm like, anyway, I'm going to enjoy my day. Right. I'm like, yeah, it's Tuesday. Somebody called me a cock online. Were you going to meet me halfway with the piss and shit thing? I'm going to meet you one sixteenth of the way. Sometimes I will try and walk around like a grocery store or a movie theater or a strip club or wherever.

And I will try to look at it as if I am an alien who's never been to earth before and try to experience it without this illusion of habit and routine and just being used to it. And look at the world like a baby. Yeah, try. Look at the world like a baby. Yeah, try to look at the world like a baby and it will kind of blow you. I mean, it's kind of retarded,

but you will walk up to a carton of eggs and be like, man, that's four chickens somewhere in Fresno, California. And they put that in a styrofoam thing that was made in Guadalajara and then it's shipped here and then I eat it and it goes into a landfill and it's gonna sit there for a thousand years. And then you just kind of like,

you think about that and then an old Chinese lady hits you in the ankle with a shopping cart and you snap back out of it. Yeah. I think about that stuff but then I go, but why do I have to be the generation that thinks about that and cares? Forever people have been just throwing shit away

and it goes somewhere and their shit goes somewhere. You know, I'm like, I'm being a little too good of a person here. I'm gonna be a pig and ignore it. I'm not trying to fix nothing. I just like complaining and you know, I like witnessing the horrors. Nothing's gonna fucking change or get better.

Last episode I said I wanted to help out kids and Ben made me feel like a fool. So, you know, who knows? I don't know, there's no, there shouldn't do good. No. You came across as a real adjuster. I actually was embarrassed for you. I'm embarrassed by you all the time.

I almost thought about editing it out. I come over here all the time and I go, like, I can't believe this guy publicly speaks. When you're not present for your own life and actions, then nothing in this room actually happens. You're the one you think I'm a bad guy for trying to help out retards. No.

You have to do it. I think you're a dumb ass, actually. It goes beyond being a bad guy. I think you're a fool. I think you're actually a fool. I think, well, thank you. I think you're an actual jester. Right, a bad guy.

If I was a king, I would cut off your arms and legs Can I can I try I would call you pillow I go bring me pillow today have him have him rant about Trader Joe's And they would bring you out sit you in a chair and just you would turn red talking about Trader Joe's And I'd have to I would have someone come up behind you with arms Yeah, I have your arms cut off and they would be mime in your hand actions like you're going on. And then when you get bored of that, you throw them off a bridge into a bunch of water. Yeah. And I want to add to I'd give him like those jester shoes where they sit him on the jester shoes. So it looks like he has really short legs. He looks like Dorf on golf. That's funny. I got

to say that still gets me when I see that classic gag where a guy gets on his knees, but he puts his knees in his shoes. I'm like, oh man I did two months ago I got on YouTube and I typed in dwarf on golf and I go man that Tim Conway You would be a king though Somehow I'd be king Cuz you're like you're retarded and you're you all can't eating. That's true. That's like a requirement of a king. You have to be a great insane king. You'd have like sores on your legs that they'd have to pop all the time.

I'd be the first guy to get diabetes from grapes. A guy feeds me so many grapes. My Lord, we'll have to chop your foot off if you keep it in grapes. He's going, oh Lord, the grapes. I'd want to be the, the thing is you want to be the nice king, but then,

Nah, fuck that. History tells us that if you're like a really nice king, then your best friend like betrays you and like fucks your wife or like kills you or like you know in the middle of the night they like you know wage a war on the castle and storm it and they like you know they take your body out in a field they dismember your head they all skull fuck you I would have a big alligator if I was a king I would have I wouldn't be able to like have humanity I would be a monster oh immediately I'd be a king I would I wouldn't be able to like have humanity. I would be a monster

Oh immediately be a monster. I'd feed people to sharks. Yeah, and alligators I kill people in really fun funny ways to me, you know Yeah, I feed people to bears I'd have a moat and then like like every few days I'd be like just remove like they just make the the walkway like rigidity and people fall in because that'd be funny for me And I said you guys with the second they like crown you like the second that crown hits your head So you make people do ninja American Ninja Warrior type stuff But no they wouldn't even know they wouldn't have the opportunity to be like good enough at it to get across like they would just Be walking across the little bridge across the moat

But it would be the day that it like I tell people to just like drop them in Yeah, you know what would be great? I feel like you'd eventually get to this, you'd be like, bring me the strongest man in the land, and he comes to your core, and you're like, if you can't bend this sword, this broadsword, I'll kill you. And then he bends it against all the fines of your will,

and then you shoot him with a big cannon. Exactly, I'd be the king that has the shittiest army of all time, because I'm so jealous of buff guys that I have them all killed. I have everyone in shape. I have all the warriors killed because I just don't like how he makes me feel about myself. Your whole army's wearing Ant-1 basketball shorts.

Cake didn't come. They all look like Escalade. Charge. I think I would, because you could do something worse to a man than take his own life is you can Harvest his soul, but he's still in his body You know like you could put a knife to a man's throat and make him suck a cock

And like front of his family and then he would never be able to look them in the eye the rest of it I'm not gonna be fun. Imagine how good that would feel though to make a man suck a dick Yeah with a sword to his neck and to be like Man, it's your day Be like man, I'm the closest to God any man's ever been That's what the death penalty should be is all the families are waiting in this dark room And then through a pane of glass they see a guy come in Yeah, and they strap him to a chair and they just make him like watch gay porn on a TV

No, no, no, it should be they they put him in like one of the from the fucking glory No, the glory hole like fucking porn videos. Oh, yeah, just a dick comes through He has to suck a dick and then they blow his brains out The second the guy comes they blow they shoot him through the back of the head. It blows the guy's dick head off He has to suck off a huge dick until it comes Yes head off on the other side. He has to suck off a huge dick until it comes. Yes. While someone reads him his last, uh, will and will and testimony. And right when the guy, right when the guy's about to come, they wheel in his, his old mom and she's like, and he's like, Bob, and then he blows,

blow the fucking head off. I saw like Magnus. I saw the last words of some guy in Texas recently that they killed wrongfully at the death penalty. It was like I love chicken Anyway, he was fried the death Fried him real. Yeah, you got any last words boy Draw my crowns later Any last words kitchen kitchen Greg Abbott walks out in a big mech suit

Greg Abbott walks out in a big mech suit. He walks out. What's so funny? Texas is like the most masculine state. Their whole thing is machismo. They only elect the gayest fucking governors. Rick Perry literally sucks dick in how he weighs behind dumpsters. Greg Abbott, is it like a slip and fall scam, gay retard?

I hate, it's fine to be feminine or whatever, but if your whole thing is machismo, don't mess with Texas you can't elect like a crippled gay guy makes no sense Well, it's how do we just got elected for the name of his ranch only? Do you know the name of his ranch? No look it up later. You have some it's it's literally inward head ranch Are you serious hard? Oh god? That's the name of his ranch hasn't changed it and everyone knew that Yeah, he was defending it in the press cuz they're this is offensive. He's like, it's an old family name He's like it's what I ran on. It was mom. It was my campaign motto. Mm-hmm. What really? Yeah, swear to god This is real. I swear to god you can look it up. It's inward head ranch. Yeah Which is the name of David Lucas's new special?

Governors Greg Abbott executions Greg Abbott's like crippled and shit. Oh, yeah, but you should just make a man be gay And then he like that's the death penalty is then he's just gay Mm-hmm, and then they just really then you just get out of jail. What if he's like, oh man, you actually like changed my life I love this deeply cause you ever wonder why we don't Why as a punishment we don't paralyze people I've thought about that that would be what not a death penalty Like it's not death, but we go like, you know. Yeah. You can be, you can. You ain't running no more.

Yeah, you better like, you know, think about some ramps. Dude, if we blinded people, that would actually be pretty baller. Blinding, like why? Like if you're a pedophile, we fucking poke your eyes out with pokers. Yeah, like why don't we just make them live a life of suffering.

You know what I've always wondered? And then we refuse to teach them like braille. Right, we just set them free in the world. It's illegal if you learn braille. We'll shoot you if you learn braille. You can live. You're blind. You can't learn how to communicate.

Treat them like a slave. Yeah. I mean, it's because sometimes I feel like the death penalty is too easy. No, we got to do it. I'm not a fan of the death penalty because I think it lets people off easy. Yeah.

Because there's no like hell or heaven probably. There's bullshit. Like a guy goes to prison, right? For like, he's like a tier one offender, or tier three for being a sexual offender, right? Which means he was violent against a child. He like assaulted a child and like, you know, did something that, you know.

Where do you know the tiers? There's three tiers. Depending on the- It's like tears mm-hmm depending on the like hurricanes and you're trying to get how fast they're spinning yeah this is doing it this is a category four pedophile and you've been trying to decriminalize tier three like mushrooms like it's too strict bids at a rally like we tell me this a guy that, he gets out of prison, he goes on a list or whatever,

but the guy can still buy Viagra. Why would a pedophile be allowed to, there should be some sort of background test where you shouldn't, you should actually be forced to, you should be like neutered or something by the government. Well, they're right. You shouldn't be allowed to take liagra. I think they will do that actually. Chemical castration is a thing.

They do it, the pedophiles? I think in some southern states they still do that, yeah. Really? The pedophiles get neutered? They're like, well, etch you out, but we're gonna give you pills that make your dick shrivel up and fall off. And so he has to take them every morning?

He takes them every morning, then he becomes Dylan Mulvaney. Dollars start rolling in. Yeah. that's a joke. I'm joking. But I think that's a real. Yeah. So no, this is a thing in Texas where you get out. They make you take those pills that make your balls fall off and develop a pussy hole. Then they ship you to California and you become a kindergarten teacher. And you start reading to all the kids.

Then you should start writing for libs of TikTok. That lady who got that kid killed at that one school. Thanks, man. Yeah. Oh, and you start reading to all the kids then you should start writing for libs of tik-tok that lady You've got that like kid killed that one school. Thanks, man. Yeah, I have some of the top comments under Steven Crowder's YouTube clips channels What did you do that lady that lives a tick-tock that she likes shy or ray check or whatever? Yeah, I actually didn't look into it. I I don't know but she just seems like a fucking she seems retarded I mean, I think she docks the kid and then the kid got killed. She got a little too talkative. It's like, just repost the videos.

Just repost them. Nobody needs your opinions. I mean, what are we, Timcast? We're gonna do a three hour breakdown. Are we supposed to put on beanies and just be insufferable and talk about life? I don't even know what's going on with that show and what it is.

Timcast? I like Timpool. It's the Timcast. It's the Tim Cast. It's the Tim Cast. It's like the needle drops for shitty political opinions. It's just like Anthony Fantano breaks down trans people. Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's the video on trans people and he's wearing a red shirt with the crosses.

Did it love the beats? Too many 808s with this trans person. Ball's too big big chin to round I give it a two out of ten Yeah, I don't I don't know. I don't think I've ever watched the Tim cast I know he was on Rogan a lot with his beanie He's like he's like if twitch from South Park had like a show Yeah, he's maybe the least likable dude in all of that sphere of

He's maybe the least likable dude in all of that sphere of broadcasting and stuff. Well, all these people start, they care about anything getting done, or the right thing happening, in their opinion, but if that ever did happen, they'd have no job. Mm-hmm. Oh, they don't care. If anything was fixed, they'd have no job,

and then they'd be like, oh, okay, I guess there's nothing to argue about. Like, they need things to be fucked up forever so they could then grift off of everything being bad. It's also the thing, like, if you actually had the real opinion, like, if you actually were a conservative, I'd be like, okay, you know, whatever, but I do think it's a lot of people being like, oh, what is every white woman at Cal State Fullerton like?

I actually hate that, fuck you. They're licking their fingers and putting it up to the wind. Yeah, you're grifter retard and you fucking suck Yeah, you know you guys won't change anything who tip cast no I think Tim cast is gonna be the revolution actually Tim cast I think Tim cast is gonna change the world mmm by oh yeah, he's cuz he's having on He's having on rappers and almost getting decapitated by him. That's gonna change the world. Yeah, he's having on. Yeah, he's having on rappers and almost getting decapitated by them. That's gonna change the world. I like when he has on R.A. the Rugged Man

and R.A. the Rugged Man goes, oh dog, I'll fuck you up, dog. Yeah, he turns it to fucking good time. Well, Tim has a fucking musket behind him for some reason. Right, right. Well, just because he loves the, he loves to fuck muskets. He's gay for the American Revolution. He fucks, yeah, Revolutionary War.

Is he Canadian, is he like, or is he from America? They all are, not every family. They're not from here, like E.Miles Charlie is, you know, fucking, getting executed by the Malaysian government, right? Yeah, unfortunately that was a rumor. I wish that was true and he was dead. Dude, that would rule, that would rule if he got killed like Gaddafi and we got the videoian government. Yeah, unfortunately that was a rumor. I wish that was true and he was dead. Dude, that would rule if he got killed like Gaddafi

and we got the video of it. Didn't his account get taken over by his family though? Like he was like gone for a little bit, right? Ian? He had to go lay eggs in a big lake somewhere. Miles Chong, yeah. No, he was working on a big piece of cheese for a few days. Got caught in a glue trap.

Had to cut him out. If I came across a guy like Ian Miles Chong in the woods. I would kill it Ian looks like he should live in a big fish tank and swim around I know like his body can't support When you grab when you see Ian miles Chong like in person you go. Oh, he's got the three red dots in his head He's venomous. You don't that's not he's a bad one It looks like you should catch Ian you can him by the mouth, and then thread him through a big thing, a string next to other fish. You look at him versus every other Malaysian guy,

and you go, is that a milk snake or a coral snake? You go, if red, you're dead. I can't remember, they're all kind of built the same way, but. If yellow, it's mellow, yeah. But I know one's evil. His body looks like a chainsaw sculpture. Like a guy made him like, runanana, going up and down his face. Yeah, yeah, one guy's his body looks like a chainsaw sculpture like a guy made him like Going up and down his face. Yeah, yeah making him

Yeah, you want to put him on a stump and crack him down the middle of an axe. Yeah. Yeah You want to actually fucking split him like cheese? He looks like you could grab the back of him and just hold them like you're palming a basketball Yeah, and then just fucking spike him onto the gun. I literally picture him posting all day from a high chair that babies eat like Gerber baby food on them, like smash, like mac and cheese. In another day and age, he would be firewood. Yeah.

And it's always funny, because he'll always post like, he's like, cut Cheetos and Wokeness out of my tie. This is the result of like, you look like a mud creature. You look like dog fucking shit. He's the ugliest guy I've maybe ever seen online. And then Elon Musk, who is debatably the most influential man in the world, is commenting under it like, you look excellent, sir.

You look excellent. You look epic, actually. You look epic. I'm gonna go design a car that's retarding. That kills people. That kills people. Did you see the one guy, I'm gonna get called the cuck so much for this, but Did you see the one guy, I'm gonna get called the cuck so much for this,

but did you see the one guy who tweeted, he got the new Cybertruck and he tweeted a picture of it being towed away. He goes, Edan, I love the new Cybertruck, it's so fun. Little problem, the steering wheel actually locked and the car shut off while I was on the highway with my family.

Seems like a bit of an issue. No, people are locking themselves inside it and accidentally hitting a button where it becomes a microwave. Yeah. And they all like, they'll explode like that scene in gremlins when she puts the gremlin in the microwave. It's there. There against the glass and you can see them blowing up like big trouble in little China. And then they pop dude, fucking, um, who's the old,

old, uh, gay, uh, Republican center. Um, uh, who's the old, old gay Republican senator? The guy who looks like a turtle. You know what I'm talking about? Mitch McConnell. Oh, yeah. His sister. I don't know anything. He looks like a de-shelled turtle.

Yes, he does. He looks like a blue crab, blue shell crab. His sister-in-law. He looks like he would come in a sushi hand roll. Yeah. Can I have the McConnell hand roll? He looks like a Japanese guy picks up Mitch McConnell naked and puts him on a big piece of wood go hey Chops he looks like some of the seafood that's out like an extremely Chinese restaurant where it's still twitching

And where you can't tell if they're from this planet. It looks like galaxy galaxy quest food I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I a murder. I think oh was it I just feel like they were like they were like hey Elon just can you lock this make the scars doors not work tonight Okay, well then that that is pretty we have a chapecoinnac thing going on here tonight What a Ted's dad and we you know we think a robot could do it better than a Kennedy Yeah, I mean the the cyberruck is like a human popcorn machine. Yeah. People are just popping inside of them. They don't crunch, so you just splat like a bug

on the windshield. I want one so bad. It's great. We need this page to go up so I can afford a car. I need a Cybertruck. We should drive around to the Beverly Hills Hotel like that other guy. Yeah, that was so funny. Dude, I saw that on the news. I was the Beverly Hills Hotel like that other guy. Yeah

Dude I saw that on the news. I was like did I relapse last night? You got a dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde thing, but it's just for Mickey's It is I saw that picture of the Cybertruck crash into the Beverly Hills sounds like this is the this is the greatest picture I've ever seen in my life. It's so poetic. It's framed beautifully. Oh, dude. It looks like our version of the Great Depression woman with her kids staring off in the distance.

Yeah, in my opinion, it felt like the people kissing in Times Square. Yeah, the sailor. Yeah, the sailor kissing that girl. Yeah, yeah. You know that famous photo in National Geographic that guy took of the little African kid who was like- With the green eyes.

Isn't he hunched over in the dirt like a bony vulture? Oh yeah, it's a bony little starving Marvin kid and he's about to starve to death. Well you know what I mean when I say that. You know what he looks like. It's an economical choice of words. Supposedly supposedly that photographer cuz that's an insanely right famous photo in there So he's he's over a bunch of bones He's a little tiny about the die African baby and in the background you see a vulture like looking at him waiting

Yeah, it's one of the most brutal photos. I've ever seen in my yeah, so anyway the photographer Did what just the way you're describing it with a smile With like enthusiasts. I know it's like you're selling me a house I know it is how like the candyman killer from Houston would describe it. I'm like, so it's a little African boy who's starving to death There's a vulture in the background so that photographer Do you know the story? Yeah, they killed himself He took it he took his own life because of that That photo apparently he he killed himself wait what cuz he took a photo of some tragedy It was the most famous photo he ever took and I think very shortly

He took that picture because it like went around and made the rounds and the kid died and he felt remorse for not helping The kid so he took his own life. Why didn't he help the kid? That's why I always wonder about these documentaries and stuff, I'm like, you guys are filming the tragedy, it's like, don't you guys have money in your pockets? Give them the camera that you're using. Hand them the camera, the village will sell it. Truly. At a pawn shop.

Like, do something, I never understand that, it's always kind of a sick exploitation. I always think, yeah, there is a moment where they stop filming the kid and they go, all right, 30 for lunch everybody And then they like go to like the craft services table. Yeah, make a big scene I've heard stories where people are like they try to help out people like that They hand him a dollar and then like a machete comes in and cuts off the guy's arm

Yeah, just grab the doll and then they all it's like a wild west like everybody pulls out like pistols There's that there's like a shootout for three hours in the town over the night. They go like, well I snuck him a few chewy bars. And then it turns into Tombstone. Yeah. Cause they do have, they get snack packs. Come on. They do get snack packs?

Those guys are living off snack packs. They got the pretzels, They got the rolled gold. Yeah It's like it's a fucking set Yes, that's funny at the end of every day on a documentary shoot in Africa because they have the the what's it called the food the They're throwing out all the food at the end of the day. Yes. The fruit, the pineapple, the cantaloupe. Yeah, it's all and they're pouring out gallons of coffee and water. And there's literally a guy like if an African baby steals a chunk of pineapple and he goes, ah, fuck, that's a violation.

Fuck. And then he pulls out a gun and blows the kid's head off. We got to fucking bury this man. Yeah, I could lose my ass over this. I warn her brother. You know what's even more fucked up is that happens literally at every single grocery store in America every single day. Cause they're not allowed to take old food and give it to homeless people. I know. Yeah. That's true. They put it, they throw it out in garbage trucks, garbage cans, and then they lock the garbage cans so people can't get the food.

That no one's going to get the food. Cause people trying to get the food? That's totally fine to eat. That's totally fine to eat. We just threw it out because we were like, fat people won't eat it anymore because it's a day old. Yeah, no, it's terrible. I think we throw out like 80% of the food we produce in this country.

Yeah, well fuck them. Fuck them. Yeah. The rabid anti-homeless guy. Fuck American homeless people. No, I'm serious. Fuck them. But when these guys are in another country

and everyone is built like a twig, and they're asking them questions and these people are making their own dawn dish soap like in huts. Right, they're getting washed off like a baby bird in an oil spill. Truly, like what, there's a Netflix production behind it or like now these YouTube guys It's like you guys have money

It's weird to go in there and not feel guilty enough to be like I let me feed everybody But then I guess maybe if you feed everybody they all explode like giving like alka-seltzer to like a bird I don't really know how it works. Pigeons get rice at a wedding. Yeah, they might all be so, they're starving so much, feeding them is actually evil. I don't even know what's going on. By the way, didn't that actually happen when we liberated the Holocaust camps?

Yeah, they were, yeah. Man. Yeah, I think that did happen actually. That's so wild. Because they were just immediately like, oh my God, fuck, get bread get bread get things then we gave it to Them and then they all like died You go for four years of the Holocaust and you survive and you're like finally

I'm saved and then a GI gives you two Twinkies and you explode killed by a turkey sandwich Life is so crazy like you fucking docked and Hitler missed your ass. Yeah, and then you get killed by a BLT No, I'm not kidding if there is a god He has like little tattoos he gave himself and he's like burning bugs with cigarettes and habit. It's so fucked up It's so great. Life is so evil If yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. I was gonna say something but let's not go I'm just gonna say there's never been a Holocaust forust for white guys, is what I'm gonna say. Jason saying there's no God in Jesus.

Jews are white. Devin makes a, Devin, you can have the floor for the next half hour, but I'm gonna put on a timer. No, I mean, I just don't really get this whole, are we supposed to measure noses? I've had Jewish, I've had quote unquote Jewish friends for 10 years, I didn't know were Jewish until four months ago because they started talking.

Me too, me too. I have Jewish friends who look like Rock Hudson and they're like, I'm Jewish quote Jewish friends for 10 years. I didn't know we're Jewish until four months ago because they started talking. I have Jewish friends who look like Rock Hudson and they're like, I'm Jewish by the way. It's like a thing. I'm like, are you? You can like add to the pot. But I'm just like, you look white. Like, you think cops pull you over?

You fucking Jew. You're white. Yeah, a cop pulls you over. Cop pulls you over, he's like, no, interesting. You seem to be complaining at your window a lot. Well, how do you, how does anyone know? Yeah, I don't know. I can never tell.

I can't. But supposedly that also makes me racist. Unless they have the bald spot hat on. Oh yeah, the kippah? The, yeah. We got one right over here that a Jewish fan sent. Yeah, that made my head itchy when I put it on. Oh yeah, the kippah. The, yeah. We got one right over here that a Jewish fan sent. Yeah, that made my head itchy when I put it on. I'm just saying.

Yeah, he put like Vietnam powder on it. Yeah. Jews are white. They're white people. They have white skin, so like. Devin, you do not know. Listen, I was born, I went to Beverly Hills High. My dad owns the biggest head-fudge in LA.

You do not know the trauma. One time a black homeless guy called me Jew boy, and you do not know what it's like to be me. Jews are kind of just like white people that say they're gay. Yeah. It's kind of funny. And now you get homophobia.

You know what's really funny? On Halloween after their 9-11 that they think happened or whatever the October 7th or whatever Yeah, they I was like I was at Halloween with like my these Jewish people I know and they can't be like yeah, it's really you know It's cuz I like don't pay attention like what's going on. They kept all kept talking about how scared they were Mm-hmm. I was like, yeah, it's pretty spooky holiday pretty It's pretty crazy. It's all I got with like a Freddy Krueger mask. It's just so scary. They see it to go out today

They see a seven-year-old dressed as a ghost they go ha ha They go did you see a guy posted on Facebook that he didn't like juice mmm. I'm like fuck. Yeah, that's scary Yeah, that's really scary. I know the people you're talking about. It was it was a year ago It was a Christmas party. This was before October 7th. I'm just saying I'm a hipster about my gay causes I care about but we were talking to one of your neighbors and she was just like oh my god We were in Israel and the Palestinians were so mean to us And me and my girlfriend like that. He is like like blow them up and shit They kept it like cages under the city and she goes when I was there

There was a car bomb and a person died and I was like, alright, whatever Yeah Remember when we were like kids and we put like fucking like like firecrackers and ant hills and stuff. They just do that over there Yeah, that's that's the fucking Hamas is like one M80 by the way, I'm weirdly feeling nauseous like I'm about to throw up and so we got a in the episode I think I might throw up and I don't know why you said you were sick this morning We almost work on a record. Can you guys do the plug? Okay, are you serious? Go for it. Holy shit. Go hurry. Hurry crazy. You can go from being so cogent and racist to that

Yeah, sure, we'll get back in because we don't know what button depressed yeah, I have no clue any of this shit works So anyway, we just want to say Ben's a disgusting racist and a sick man He's throwing up because he can't believe what he just stomached throughout this episode He can't morally live with himself anymore, so he's trying to throw up his own soul out of his mouth. I'm like so confused. I don't, Ben is, Ben kind of has like womanly traits. Yeah.

Where, you know how women like they- Devin, you don't need to say another word. They say they're like sick and then they say they're fine and then they say they're sick and then they say they're sick and then they say they're fine and you go, well what is wrong, like is this your- A woman's physical health is like one of those pins you slide back and forth and the image disappears

and reappears, it can, with the gust of wind, it can change. They don't know how to identify how they feel. They literally forget they have a period every month. Yeah. Once a month they'll be like, I feel like putting a gun in my mouth. I don't know what's going on.

And if you say like your period's might come on, like you're gonna get like fucking dunked on. Well then they flip the fuck out. If you ever acknowledge their period. Yeah, and then the next day they're like, so I had my period. That's what happened. Or they'll say, I haven't eaten in 17 hours.

And you go, why are you being so weird? Like what's going on with you? Well I didn't eat all day. I didn't eat all day and I naturally have 1% of the iron I need to exist. I don't know why I'm dizzy all the time. Ben's having his period. Get him some cranberry juice.

Some cranberry juice, fucking gaga. What a fucking fanook. A fanook. This morning, Ben goes, I have a sore throat. Yeah. I think I'm fucking sick. So we were like, let's record tomorrow. Let's record tomorrow or whatever when we can.

And then he's like, later in the day, he's like, I mean, I feel fine. But then look at this. He might be like, and then this is maybe punishment because he's been talking shit about third world countries. That is true. It passed, you didn't throw up? Okay.

Have you just been eating too much chick-fil-a you think? Okay, well we need to sign off the thing real quick you want me to do it Are you stressed because of the fucking Because of the the finances we've been finding out how much we actually oh Are you guys we actually we kind of realized we didn't make any money this year. Did you guys get like fucked in your taxes? Yeah, I'm fucked.

I'm about to be. I'm fucked. Ben found out and he thought he was gonna get some like kid, you know, fucking things where like you have kids and you get some money back and now it's like, it's bad. Really? Yeah. Cause I thought mine was better than I thought

it was gonna be. Yeah, but you like lie on TurboT yeah, cuz I thought mine was better than I thought it was gonna be yeah But you like lie on turbo tax and shit Delete that delete it, but no I am going to jail I Will be in jail like Leslie Sipes one day Yeah, yeah like yesterday I was like Yesterday yesterday I was like, uh, you scab. You all lie. You all I've heard you talk about lie. I was heating up like Tostino's pizza rolls and then I ate an entire bag of, of a cheddar cheddar and cream. What are the orange cheese?

I know. I think that might be why you feel a little drinking like fan. You're eating like Fanta chips. I know. Can I tell you, can I tell you what's? I'm pouring Fanta in a baking sheet and I'm putting it in the oven and then taking it and breaking it like Walter White breaking up the mat. And then I'm sprinkling salt and pepper on it. You're cooking the Fanta and then you're putting

a bunch of potato chips in a blender and you're drinking that. Oh fuck, I thought I was gonna throw up. Yeah, I've been, oh god, I'm good though. I'm good though. I've been on a real tear with writing. I've been getting really, really good work done on my book. Sure.

And then, so I've been sitting down for massive amounts of period of time and then I've been eating like shit and then we figured out what our taxes were and I was like, what? Like I did. I want to talk to you guys about I look like a really shit. I look like Katie told me how much we were going to pay in taxes and I looked like a little bird hatching from an egg.

Right. Like all fucked up like a molting fucking. Haven't told her you've already spent the money. Right? I want to talk to you guys. I mean you guys do because you have the Haywatch money and you have Katie's money from last year. So you guys might get more fucked than I do. And that's actually cut from the bucket. I love you Uncle Devin. Uncle Chase, why are you so gay?

Why do you kill yourself? But yeah, so yeah, the way it's basically working is since we all split the Patreon, but the company is technically mine, I get taxed at a very high tax bracket. Oh. I thought that was supposed to save you money. That's what I thought too. I thought taxed at a very high tax bracket. Oh, yeah I was supposed to save you my that's what I thought to point of the thing, too Yeah, it's very interesting times ahead so now that I'm gonna be taxed on fucking John's

Retardation well if you guys need a couple a couple know. I'll kick something over. I am on cameo. I'm on cameo, guys. We're doing great cameo. Don't forget you got to declare that for your taxes, by the way. I'm not on cameo anymore. It's another thing. Yeah. It's another you start to resent the government. You I don't even want to make money this year.

No, I mean, I fucked them. I'm going to bleed them dry. I'm not. I'll show them. I'll make nothing. I'm well aware of like what I'm about to receive that I owe and I'm like, what's even the fucking point? I'm like I want to tell you like enough of the live dates Enough of these things. Okay. I don't want to make this can we stop keep adding a thousand dollars We need a tour but buddy. I know I'm kidding. Yeah, I'm just crazy though. They make you like not want to try Yeah, I know they They make you wanna like fail.

It's creepy. I've never felt this before where I'm like, oh, you think you are doing it and then you pay way more. Yeah. It's crazy. But Devin, think of all the services you get in exchange. Yeah, no, I mean, I still haven't bought healthcare. Well, that's a penalty out of your taxes. My healthcare is crazy high with the baby.

I think I'd pay more if I just bought it. Dude, I didn't get help with the baby and stuff because they think I'm like a fucking millionaire or some shit. It's like what the fuck? I need fucking help here. They're not giving it to me. Well you thought you were gonna get a discount

for being like a family man. Yeah, I thought I was gonna get the Nick Cage discount. Yeah. I'm like, I saw that movie. Yeah, and it's so funny you guys are ruined. Who's ruined me, or Devon? Both of you guys are ruined. Oh, Devon's ruined because he has a nonprofit set up

for Joey LaFleur and John Knoff. I'm kidding, I loved all the folks that ate with us. No, they're great. But I guess I now that you told me what you're paying Am I gonna be paying their taxes? You're gonna be fucked. Yeah, but I got it, but I said I paid them right I get I get I get any sense. I mean I can't wait to hear from the guy who's like working at a machine shop Making 18 grand a year. That is true. We sound like complete cocksuckers. I'm not actually complaining. I'm just saying it's a little crazy We sound like complete cocksuckers. I'm not actually complaining. I'm just saying it's a little crazy No, no, it'd be dead and then actually is like wait. Well, what the fuck like things? Yeah, I want it. I want to talk to you guys afterwards cuz I'm a little confused It'd be it'd be different if we weren't living in a place where we're actually like lower middle class

Hmm, like if we like so that's all I'm saying Okay, everyone we were walking out of Buc-E's outside of Houston We're like damn the lowest paying job at Buc-E's makes more than all of us. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I was like, wow, that's crazy We look at that big sign and we were like so the people working here. They're doing way better than us And we walked in like big shots like we just had a live show. We're killing it. We made $400 each Guy with three eyes cutting brisket is like, if I made that much money, I'd kill myself. Oh, I think I'm going to throw up again.

Yeah, let's end it. Let's end it. Before you throw up. Maybe I have something about aspartame. They say aspartame is not good for you, and I just found out it's in Coke Zero. I love how you're like, it could be the Advil. I also ate fucking 19 Fanta yesterday. You just found out it was in Coke Zero. I love how you're like, it could be the Advil. I also ate fucking 19 Fanta yesterday.

You just found out it was in Coke Zero. I had a whole bag of chips while my pizza rolls heated up and I ate those and while I was eating the pizza rolls, I ordered Chick-fil-A and then after the Chick-fil-A came, I ate like three bowls of cereal. But I read that it's cause my glucose is spiking. Yeah, cause you're giving yourself diabetes. Yeah, you are actually.

It's so funny that I've also been hitting the gym hard every day. I hope we just flip flop on each other. That'd be so funny. That'd be so funny. No, but everything's actually fine. It was just like a big doozy. I'm doing fine.

We're doing okay. Yeah. Everything's fine. But then, let the record try. I'm more grateful than Ben and Devan. I appreciate it more so. I'm incredibly grateful. I'm just, I can't, it but then let the record show I'm more grateful than Ben and Devon. I appreciate it. I'm incredibly grateful I'm just I can't it would be gay if I didn't be like naturally like what that's insane No, I want to talk to you guys after after we're the only show what that will talk that will speak this candidly right?

Come on. I don't give a shit. Whatever. I get it. I'm the best I've ever been doing but then I'm like is it though the Jesus Christ? That's the thing I'm incredibly happy and things are going great and I'm working on the things I love and like doing, but then I'm like, is it though? Jesus Christ. That's the thing, I'm incredibly happy and things are going great and I'm working on the things I love and I'm doing everything with my friends, but then the IRS is like, up, up, up. You know what this means.

Time to be gay. You know what this means, boys. Austin, Texas. Here we come, baby. Let's move to retard town and get absorbed by the retard machine. I'd rather just stay above water than I think ever move. No, I would too.

I know, I think that too, but then I have a kid. Well, you should just move somewhere that's not Austin. We're gonna, Chase and I are gonna go to the overdrive soon. We're gonna make this podcast. We're gonna make it to the moon. I'm just saying we might be entering the stage of Lemon Party that's called Lemon Party Night Country. No, no, no, no.

When we go up to the great state of Alaska. We are all. Alaska. We let guys come inside of us. We're gonna hit another level. We're gonna hit another level. And our tax rates are gonna go even higher. Even higher, buddy. Fuck.

I just think Katie might have to go back to work. I've been saying this for months. I've been saying this the day after the baby was born. You kind of are like the stay at home dad. I'm writing all day. She's taking care of the baby. You can still hold the kid and then put it back in its thing and then fucking do your stuff. Put it back in the fucking shit it sleeps in.

All you can do is change diapers and be like, look, look, look, look, look, look. And then you can just go back to work. You can just go back to work. You can just go back to work. and stuff. Put it back in the fucking shit it sleeps in. I could just change diapers and be like. I love her so much. She's so funny. She's the best. She's fucking amazing.

She's already my favorite person on earth. I hate both of you. No, she's so great. You go, I hate everyone I know because this thing is so awesome. She really is. She kicks so much ass. She kicks ass, is so much you send me that video for squeaking the other day I watched it like maybe 10 or 15 times. It was pretty good I just put her fingers together like this and look around and think yeah, she's a very she's thinking

She's like I don't think I like these people very much. No she gives me look like fuck this guy I fucking hate she looks it she looks at Ben like was I stolen? I fucking hate this guy. She looks at Ben like, was I stolen? Anyway, let's end the, I'm getting so hot right now. Yeah, and I think I need to eat. You need something. Now when I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I get a little piece of sourdough bread,

I nibble on it like the monkey from Aladdin. That makes me feel better. You get, I think it's because it's just nostalgic for me. You get so into- I pretend I'm a baby monkey than a cartoon. You get so into podcasting, you turn into one of those dogs in the Iditarod, and if we don't stop you, you'll pod yourself to death. Your heart will explode.

God damn Joe Biden. God damn Gavin Newsom. God damn this fucking state. God damn this country. God damn the IRS. We need the tax laws to be changed. And God bless. We need Trump back in office. I actually passed the law that made this section.

Yeah. He's actually the reason. He passed the law in 2017 and it went into effect this year. No, but he would appeal it if we elected him. Mm hmm. Cause it only got, it went in cause of Biden. That's right. Okay. But Trump put it in, but Biden didn't take it out. So what's that say?

You know what? I actually do believe that. Yeah. Trump put it in but Biden didn't take it out. So what's that? You know what? I actually do believe that Yeah Let's uh Let's go assassinate a world leader. Yeah on patreon.com Guys sign up for the patreon if you want to see us assassinate a world leader If you want to see our espionage missions where we try to assassinate world leaders We're starting with third world countries and working our way up to Switzerland. Yeah Which is the nicest place we go from least economic successful country all the way up. Yeah. Yeah, we started like Swaziland

Just causing civil wars Yeah, because we love chaos yeah,, we're like, dude, I'm like the Joker. As we're screwing a silencer on a sniper. I'm the Joker. I'm going to ruin these people's lives. I'm twisted. I'm fucking twisted. As I'm screwing a Coke Zero on the end of my sniper. And they go, that's the most advanced weapon we've had in Swaziland.

Why, you got the lemon socks on? Yeah, yeah, for Lemon Party, the podcast. Oh, the name of our podcast. Yeah, nice. That's good. In closing, I don't want anybody to think I'm complaining about anything. I love my life and everything's great. We just talk about what goes on in our lives, so I'm not complaining. I'm grateful for everything. I love everybody.

If I died tomorrow, I would be insanely insanely Happy and proud and grateful and yeah, you know I go to heaven I look down and I I'd do a golden shower on all of you out of love Out of love I'd pee from the sky and you know open your mouths and you gobble it up like turkeys. Mm-hmm Just press the button Party lemon party live for all the live dates. God bless all of you keep kicking ass turkeys mm-hmm just press the button okay patreon.com slash I'm a party lemon party dot live for all the live dates God bless all of you keep kicking ass stay sober or stay fucked up whatever you want to do see you Saturday see you

Saturday at the live lemon party podcast March 23rd goodbye I'm sorry. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina, Wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican maid, I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a wild young cowboy came in, Wild as the west Texas wind.