lemonparty - 075: Xbox Live

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

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Music I'm on that hype beam, always in my face, talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of me, but it can't be. You back, you back. Time to do another episode where I'm super self-conscious about everything I said and regret it and wish I could do it over again. Are you self-conscious about the first episode? Yeah. Why?

I just always think I'm gay. You know, everybody has that critic in their head. I have a guy in my head, but he literally just calls me gay all the time. Like I have a guy inside me that's thinking about dying, and then the other guy's calling that guy gay. He's thinking about dying. Your inner critic is the guy from Happy Gilmore.

Who just says you will miss. You stink, jackass! It's that guy. And then later on he's like, hey, you wanna go to Red Lobster? Yeah,, the guys driving a Volkswagen into your brainstem right now Yeah, you know your your inner your inner voice is like a Xbox 360 like chat room from like 2011

Yeah, but with more more slurs somehow. Yeah. Yeah inside you are two Indian guys One wants to kill himself and one's calling you gay. Both of them think the other one's a woman and they're trying to fuck him. They're going, hey sexy baby, and they go, you're sexy baby. How you do good? Calling an Indian guy and being like,

hold on, I'm gonna transfer you real quick. And then connecting him to another Indian guy and then making them jack off to each other. Yeah, that Chinese restaurant bit, but you literally call an Indian guy and making them jack off to each other. Yeah, like that Chinese restaurant bit. But you literally call an Indian guy who you don't know and you go, hi, I'm a really hot woman. He goes, oh my God. Oh, sexy girl. And immediately you transfer him to another horny Indian guy.

You go, hold on one second. I have to go to the bathroom. And then you come back and you go, hello. And then they just start yeah fucking each other I don't know if like great or a system's like really even a thing because like okay for instance today. I go to Katie wants me to get an Apple CarPlay installed in the minivan. We just got right sure Every mechanic told me no. I'm not doing that It's not worth my time and you should know how to do that you useless white piece of shit, right he told me no so I found a guy in the valley I drove all the way out there I show up you went to the black lady mechanic shop you may go you may

oh asscracker yeah you should know how to do this with my ass yeah me swirlies and shit mm-hmm giving me wedgies so you went to a mechanic of oh you're a cock I deal with cocks Yeah, he goes oh Arthur we have cock He can't install Apple CarPlay in 2014 to go to Sienna what the fag but that's why we exist That's our business here. No, no, no, go ahead drive a minivan that's 10 years old, you know never has pussy again It's fine. No, no, it's okay These are it was like three Mexican guys basically and what? mechanic It's okay. These are, it was like three Mexican guys basically. What? Yeah. At a mechanic shop?

Yeah. Huh? Yeah, they're all just jacking off to busty babe posters that they get paid in. I love those things because you pull in and it's like a little Mexican guy and it's like, oh he's the, it's kind of like when you go hunting

and you need a dog that can fit down a gopher hole. Yeah. Like he's like climbing up on top of the hood immediately. Like literally in the end, they jump in the hole where the oil goes in the engine, like Super Mario. No, they're wiener dogs for cars. You like disappeared. You somewhere in the car, like that beetle in the mummy. I can get under your skin. He just went in there. He does that little roller roller thing, but it's just it's a fucking those finger skateboards and he goes underneath the car Yeah, he uh

They showed up and then of course it's gonna like take two hours cuz I got the thread the wires back to like the rear view Camera yeah, they have to salute the Sofia Varga poster in the office 20 times 2003 Budweiser amazing. Dude, they had an 80 inch TV in the middle of the garage. I keep imagining a guy like just turning like a wrench and then every couple of minutes he unfolds and out of his pocket a big poster severe for a guy

and he goes, oh dear me. Oh my God. Oh Totaloja, the chicas. Oh the tatas. Oh the tatas. Oh the tatas. Oh I the chicas. Oh, the tatas. Oh, the tatas. Oh, the tatas. Oh, I wish you were my roca. Es muy grande. Oh, it's a ha-cha-cha. Ha-cha-cha. Ha-cha-cha.

The guy actually gets horny and goes ha-cha-cha. Ha-cha-cha. I did a key toss to one of the little guys. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah!

Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah!

Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah!

Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! Hatcha-tah! The taller ones learning. You threw him your keys, he used it like a cane, he doesn't like a hiking stick.

He tried to catch it and it dragged him. I did one of these, I was like, thanks for hooking me up buddy, I really appreciate it. I kept calling him buddy. And then I turned and I looked, cause I had two hours to walk around the valley and I just kinda looked off and I was like, I was like, rain's coming.

And he turned around and he's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, rain. I go, UVA. Is that what rain means? That means rain. I go like, rain's coming. And he turned around and he's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, rain. I go, UVA. Is that what rain means? That means rain. I go, UVA, UVA. And he goes. He just turned back around.

He just thought it was so funny. He thought it was so funny you tried to speak to him. Dude, they laugh at you so hard if you fucking try. When you had, I think I talked about, when you had movers. Okay, this was so racist of you that you did this. No, this was not fucking racist at all. It was.

It was so out of touch. You just called a fucking cholo a oompa loompa. So calm down. I'm racist. That's him. By the way, Ben's mechanic is not a cholo. He's the father of a cholo. He's the working class man.

That is true. No, no, it was, we were moving, there was these three guys moving, you know, Ben got them out of like a fucking Home Depot parking lot. And he was like, hey, go get in. And Ben said, go get in about for the fucking Mexicans. That's what he said. Yeah, that's what he said.

No, I'm the racist one, but you said- I say that in front of them. Yeah, you said, get it for the Mexican fuckers and they go so we speak we speak you go shut up fuck you now I'm loading bricks into the dresser and then make it heavier as they're you're you're a ceiling them up like that egg growls impose short story you're sealing them into the wall yeah and I went to go get hamburgers for everybody because it was like midday and I came back and this is this is no this is I did not be being racist this is so fucked you know that about the say no they literally I walk up to him and and I go hey guys we got

um hamburgers and french fries you guys want those and they just they blink just blink blink blink and I go hamburgers french fries you guys want and they just like they're like All right, and I go Hamburg a says you Papa Street does and they go Then they're staring at me like they're mom cuz they're trying to fuck with you Yeah, yeah, they're like alt comics. They just like it's all irony with them. They like don't try they let you bury I know they speak perfect English, but they're not fucking responding to me. So yeah, I'm brigade says you Papa Street does which is the fucking Words. Yeah, I pronounce it like I'm about to send you to ice but you know, yeah It is the like if a Chinese guy is walking around fucking Korea Town and he's like,

he's like, oh dude, get to the Western and Third. I don't point at him and start laughing. I wait until we start recording and then I talk about him. And then we make fun of him. Oh yeah, I guess you're right. I think they're also like, they always think it's like some Master and Margarita situation where it's like the devil has just come to town.

Like when you said the rain, they're like the guy, it was very much like, Diablo. Diablo. He said, we will wash it down on us. Yuvi, he said, Yuvi, don't go there. Don't go there. Sorry, sorry, my tiny cousin, he got washed away in the Yuvi.

He went down into the barrio and got washed in the gutter. The gringo knows Spanish cause he read Blood Meridian. He learned the Spanish from Cormac Picante, that big faggot, he's a Santa Fe, writing about scientists, pretending he Oppenheimer and shit. Fucking fag. Cormac was a rich kid. Cormac, Cormac he caused a play as a working class.

He didn't even get MFA. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot.

He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot.

He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking faggot. He's a fucking f, man. Read some real fucking authors, bitch. Oh, is it another old west bloody book? Pick up John Updike next, you fuck. You hack fuck. This guy reads David Fondner Wallace and shit.

On the big TV though, before I left, cause I had to end up like, I like ate. Oh, at the mechanic place. Yeah, I ate some cause I had to end up like, Oh at the mechanic place. Yeah, I ate some Thai food at a place where like, if you eat Thai food in LA, there's always a guy at a table next to you with like an IV bag and he's like breathing really heavy for some reason.

That is cause he's there cause he just went to Thailand and fucked like lady boys and shot children and shot people, like he paid to shoot people and he just, he has a taste for the culture. He plays Slimer in the in the Ghostbusters movie He's the stand-in yeah, yeah Thai food really just exists for women to make you order it once every couple months because they get some weird craving They're like ovulating and they need like pad thai. Yeah, they're like go give me the pedophile food. Yeah, yeah

I need it real quick. I fucking love Thai food. I eat that shit all the time. You do love Thai food I'm not a big fan on a guy. I don't crave it often I fucking love Thai food. I eat that shit all the time. You do love Thai food. I'm not a big fan, honestly. Guy food. I don't crave it often. Thai food, guy food, that's what I say. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, you should've told that to McCann. They would've done it for free.

They're like, this guy's fucking homophobic as shit. Yeah. We fucking love him. On the huge, like, they even, they, I don't know where Mexicans get TVs, by the way, because they have the biggest TVs I've ever seen in my life. It always has porn burned into the TV screen. Like it's a Fox News logo.

It had weird shit burned into it, but I couldn't piece together what it was. It was some weird shadow play. Dicks and pussies burned in, I swear to God burned. Huge pussies. Every porno has like one four minute shot of a dick going into a pussy, and that burns into their TV every time.

The black logo is burnt they I swear to God I'm not making this up I'm not making this up uh-huh there they were watching YouTube videos of a guy who I was like oh he's going through an abandoned amusement park and then I realized they were watching a channel of a guy who's a ghost hunter yeah so they're watching a ghost hunter YouTube guy who's a ghost hunter. So they were watching ghost hunter YouTube, like where a guy's like spooky, staying in a house overnight. They actually love spooky shit.

They're obsessed with it. They love a spooky. It's a spooky. They love a spooky. But that's like a bit we would do where like Mexican mechanics are hanging out watching. We're anthropologists. I don't think we're racist.

I go out in the world and I see what we talk about. There's gotta be truth. I've lived in LA my racist. I go out in the world and I see what we talk about. There's gotta be truth. And I've lived in LA my whole life. They're obsessed with ghosts and spooky shit. I mean, it's literally, you're like, I was at the park, there was black guys playing basketball. Just like one of our beds. They have a whole day called Dia de los Muertos

where they're just like, we will be a skeleton. When you die, I love a skeleton. They literally think heaven is like a bunch of spooky skeletons, but they're my abuela. They like love the nightmare before Christmas. They love Tim Burton shit. They love skeletons Yeah, they would invent scully died. They like loved it. They're like he is a finally. Yeah Dude that was a great bobblehead night I went to it yeah, I got free tickets But I had to give it

to my fucking friend's bitch mom. That's what she got us the tickets. No, fuck her. Do they like Vince Scully because he has the word like Skull in his name. Yes, that's what they call him. It's a spooky name to them. It's Vince Scully-ton.

That's what I call him. He's Vince Scully-ton. They just like, it's just a vlogger in a graveyard and it's foggy and they're like, fuck, like I'm hooked. They're like, I call him Spooky Betz. Spoke to the Spooky Betz, that's very good. So what'd they do? They were watching, he would do a thing with like,

cause he fixed my splash guard under the van too, cause it was all like ripped up. You said, hey, I didn't say to touch that. Don't fucking touch that. I started kicking him very softly, like rudely. Like the way you'd poke a dead guy to see if he's still alive. So soft that it was actually more disrespectful somehow.

Yeah. They fixed everything in the car, but you left with no catalytic converter. They would be doing a thing with a wrench and then he would turn and look at the TV like. He's like, check, he's like, it's still spooky. All right, back to work. Why do they love the ghost stuff?

It's so crazy. I think that's why those channels are big because I haven't met white people that watch them. The ghost hunter stuff on YouTube. But they're huge right they're huge I think it's just like Mexican mechanics are watching. I mean have you have you been to? Hold to what's this not scary farm during like October. Yeah, they're yeah

I should be driving through that like it's Jurassic Park. This is like big like fucking nets and stuff I mean, we've talked about it before that they like spooky stuff. But why do they like what is Dios de los mortos? Day of the Dead. They have a day. They celebrate dying. De los mortos. Dia de los mortos.

Yeah. The day of the dead. Yeah. It's the day they celebrate all the people they've known who've who've died of high fructose corn syrup. Yeah. That's right. Their lives. Yeah. He was a shot by Fanta. He used to drink. He drank drank Fanta of a plastic bag, which is a real thing we do in Mexico

Any day? That's the guy like hey, what I go. Yeah, I'm like, there's like a place around here. He's like, oh Denny's Yeah, I don't want to go to Denny's like is there anything else he's like fuck man. I love Denny's Go get the most of him. I mean he's like it's a great Denny's you don't like Denny's. We go get the moons over Miami. He's like, it's a great Denny's. You don't like Denny's? You think he's saying Miami? You're like, what? Moons over Miami. Moons over Miami.

I love Miami. If you want them to work on your car really quick, be like, I saw some black guys around the corner. They think they're coming for us. They go, oh it's your car! They go, what? Hurry's a guy. Ah! Ah! I feel it. They got a thing of water. Hurry up! They call me.

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of her latest music video on her YouTube channel so we're gonna do that now check out our YouTube channel go subscribe I actually did like the music So we're gonna do that now. Check out our YouTube channel. Go subscribe. I actually did like the music and we're gonna play it now. So I'm gonna edit this in. I'm gonna listen to it and dig it. Hell yeah. Making this shit to show With an expensive fee My mind is so Desperate to enter Me and our chateau we hold That is where we lay low

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Anyway, they did a great job. Oh my god. They're great. They're great. Mechanical people are my favorite people Oh my God. They're great. They're great. They're the best group of people. They're the best group of people.

Dude, when I was selling alarms, it was the only people I worked with. They were all the installers and they fucking kicked ass. They would drink beer like at fucking 10 AM on the job site. Dude, last week was Dodgers Angels, like exhibition preseason, whatever the fuck. Preseason game. So I was over, I was hanging with John. I go check in on him sometime right bar To his office. It was office where he lives. Yeah, and

Just the size of that closet. I just found out by the way It ain't great. Yeah, it's like 80 square feet. It has one tile. It's a one tile ceiling It's literally like I think it's 60 square feet I walked in and it smelled like somebody was like like, Jarlsberg cheese inside of it, but it was just his clothes. He's getting staph infection from his own sweat. Who knows what's happening in there? I can't believe I know someone who lives

in a 60 square foot office space with no bathroom. And it kicks ass to him. Yeah. It kicks ass. Yeah, no, it's literally like, it's like a rat living inside of an office building. That's the thing. They're like, oh we've got a John infestation.

We gotta go spray for it. John looks at his quote unquote apartment and it's like that Earl Woods moment where he's like pride. He's literally staying there. He points at his head for some reason. It was pride, that's what it is. The Mexican security guard caught on to him. He points at his head for some reason. It was pride, that's what it is. Pride. The Mexican security guard caught onto him.

He was like probably living there. You can't live in these offices. I know, but the Mexican security guard was like, I'm pretty sure you're living here. So then John caught him drinking on the job. So John looks at him and he goes, and he surveys us today and that guy goes, no, no, no, no.

Please don't say anything. So it's like, it's a big tug of war. You've got me in a me stand up. No, I just love John being like, no dude, it's great. I found this spot, I hauled into the walls of an office building and I lived there like a big mouse No, dude, it rules If John gets a motorcycle by the way, I'm gonna kick his ass kick his fucking ass I'll shoot both the tires so he can't drive. We should do that

You know, he's doing he's getting a motorcycle because he thinks he won't drink as much at the bar Yeah, then he won't drive home on a motorcycle. This is how he's gonna stop drinking. Getting a motorcycle, a crotch rock. He might as well say, I need to cut out drinking, I'm gonna tape a gun to my hand when I go to the bar. Because if I drink, I might kill myself. I'm gonna phantom thread myself. So I'm too nauseous and sick from the poison to drink. It really worries me.

But I was at his bar and it was Dodgers Angels Week and it was like, there's Dodgers fans and there's Angels fans walking in. Which is their civil war. It's a civil war, but they were all mingling with each other and I was like, it's literally like Democrats, Republicans are coming together, like we could all learn a thing or two.

Yeah, exactly. From these Mexicans. Coming across the aisle. Because the Mexican Angels fans are the MAGA sports, like Mexicans. Like they're the guy, a Mexican guy that lives in Irvine and roots for the Angels is the type of guy that literally will call ICE on his cousin.

No dude, he's literally, there's memes about it, he's literally the Mexican guy who got one HVAC installer job and is like, I'm a fucking proud white man. I hate fucking Fuck them Like use himself as a white mega guy makes 50 grand a year. Yeah, I've seen it I've seen a million times. It's oh, yeah, beautiful. I was I was at um, Dodgers Angels games like three years ago, and I was I was taking a date this hot broad there It was like our third date and we were sitting in a goth lady. Huh the goth lady

No, not the goth lady somebody you never met this bitch You don't know you might have fucked you're really like siphoning women like you Insider trading women. Your date trafficking. Yeah, I was, yeah. And I would be hanging at a bar with you guys, I go, hey, I got a big signing to do tonight. Like I'm on fucking draft day.

But no, we were sitting, we got set between, I swear to God, like a fucking column of angels and Dodgers fans. And it was, it actually did rule because they kind of knew they were being like retarded drunk guys and they would just be like show hey Atani get a strike and they'd be like hey fuck fuck you dude fuck Anaheim bitch it's pretty great yeah it's a it's a it's a great thing to witness out here who in the LA riots who side were Mexicans on?

They just watched and laughed. And they go, that's a lot of work we get to do. They go, please keep destroying the buildings. We're here to put them back up. They were calling their uncles back in like fucking Tijuana. They go, Uncle Rue, you need to come up, we got work. It was like Katrina for them, they're like hell yeah. No dude, I mean I fucking dude, I sold alarms

the day after BLM burned down all those shops in Santa Monica and it was like our gold mine. Those Mexican dudes were loving it, it was great. It was also fun again to talk to all those shop owners and them having to tip, there was an art store I went to that I like had all their shit busted in and like burned up and stuff and the lady was like this very liberal like centrist lib lady and she was like she's like yeah so we you know we need like an alarm she's like you know I loved I love like George Floyd and like you know power to the people and you know

I'm glad my entire My entire business was completely destroyed from the, that building from the ground, it was destroyed by a bunch of animals. I love them, they're great. You know, I'm a warrior for the cause. That being said, is there a motion detector for black people specifically? Yeah, they install a smoke detector that just beeps.

Yeah, they do. You guys think they're breaking into their own apartment? They get confused. Oh fuck. Yeah, it was beautiful. There was one time I was, it was the worst job I ever did. I was installing for this old fucking Armenian bitch in Tarzana actually, in a condo she was moving into.

And she was like so nice when I was doing the Job walk like was she hot? No, dude. She was like fucking you know, which lady she saw I did I would I'm not some of them are ugly I'm not kidding. I say I say this is a joke a lot I would if you put me in a room like and I knew I would get away with I fucking like put a knife In her neck. I hated this lady. I do either fucking dog she It's pussy Or it's asshole. Yep.

If it's a guy. Yeah, very good. I'd rather suck a dog's dick. Yep. Very good. Yep. Very good, Ben. Have you seen an ugly Armenian lady before?

It's like, Jesus fucking Christ. They look like something in an aquarium. Yeah. Yeah, they look like Kirk something in an aquarium. Yeah They look like Kirk Douglas at the end Yeah, when he got wheeled out for the academy awards And then like the day after you got hit with like 30 rape accusations. Yeah, he raped the black dolly as victims. Yeah, he was like raping torsos.

Swimming in their head, their faces will turn into the shape of a diamond, which is very interesting because their culture loves money so much. It'll become pointed and then all blonde. They turn into a Mercedes emblem. She kind of looked more like a Mercedes emblem. Yeah, got it. But anyway.

I'm picturing it. I was doing the walkthrough, I was like, we'll put a motion here, keypad here. And she's like, oh great, this is great, thank you so much. And then we got there, it was me and two of the Mexican dudes and it was one guy I was very tight with. And we show up and she just immediately, like the minute she had us on the hook

For like her money. She like walked in she's like what that you told me I can put the fucking motion That's a fucking right there. Dude. I swear to God. Yeah, I swear to God. I was like, okay, so we'll put a motion there She goes you fucking told me you could put it there and I go, okay we can she goes Wait, why would you fucking lie to me like that? Like insane like you're an insane person Yeah, and it finally got to the point where I had to do like a fucking You know you're like trying to not get fired. I needed the money right so you like at the end of the day Like you're doing like this big George McFly like hey You could talk to me that way, but you leave my installers alone

I go you do not pick on these little guys. They're good little guys. And we got back to the office. We finally had to like, official, we got screened for, it was the worst day of my entire fucking adult life. I was really contemplating what I was doing with my life. And we get back to the office and they're like, so what happened with that lady?

Like, what the fuck was going on? Cause we had to call in so much. And the Mexican guy was like, oh man, she was like, fucking, she sucked, man. She was like, so mean. Jason just started crying and shit. Like, dude, I didn't cry. Dude, I swear to God, I did not cry. And he goes, Jason's like, be nice to us.

And he's like, got like tears in his eyes because she's so mean. And I was like, dude, I didn't fucking cry. It's like- That's how funny you were sticking up for them. And then they're like, he's gay. They're like, he's like, you know got like tears in his eyes cuz she's so mean You were sticking up for them, yes, they're like he's gay He's like gay you like spoke nice and shit. He sticks it up. All right Do they rule there was I think I've talked about this but we did an insult job I sold the job for Jeffree Star, the trans makeup lady YouTuber. Do you know about her? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we literally had to like, one of the fucking Mexican guys refused to do the job once he got there. Then he transferred off. It was like a five day job. I don't. He was like, he saw her and it was like, to him it was like seeing the alien from Alien.

He saw like a xenomorph. And then he got back to the office. And he was like, he's like, dude, it's fine. He's fucked up. I went in the bathroom. She pulled out a dick bigger than mine. I swear to God he said that word for word as they're like, Carlos, you can't, you can't make those jokes on the job site, dude. Yeah. But he, they, they were old. They were pretty cool. Yeah. Everyone, everyone puts up with that because this is like, they're the hardest working

people. Yeah, they're great Yeah, they're fantastic. I love them. They're so fucking funny. Fuck that Armenian bitch Dude, it was the most insane. It was the most insane day. They are real there They they'll like fucking elbow check you at like supermarkets. They'll cut. Mm-hmm. They're just fucking drinking cologne It's like the number one reason not to live in LA is because of them yeah traffic and Armenians Yeah, it's they're the only group I've ever seen like the nicest people I've ever met like talk shit about mm-hmm and be racist towards yeah

Like you'd be talking to like Mother Teresa, and she'd be like yeah, but I fucking hate our meeting Yeah, like mr. Rogers has an episode about Armenian. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, Marloth the Kings is like I believe to judge only Armenians For the content of the character yeah, it is very it does suck ass and they are getting genocided but you know, you're like Damn, are they getting genocided to like right now? Yeah, I think by Turkey, right? Really going on I don't keep up with that. Yeah, I think turkeys I think turkeys doing genocide part two can I do it another one right? Yeah, huh?

Yeah, I did. I was at the Americana the other day They were they were tying them up put them on the train tracks of the train at the Americana children's train Drowning guys in the big fountain drowning him in the fountain is Frank Sir nacho blairs Three guy in the big fountain. Yeah, drowning them in the fountain as Frank Sinatra blares. Throw a guy in the oven at the Cheesecake Factor. Please. Please. Please.

Just grinding a guy's face into the escalator at Bonson Hill. I'll say this, give me 10 tries. I can't point out Turkey on a globe. I have no clue where it is. Yeah, no, of course. Who could point out Turkey? To me, when I think of Turkey, I think of like nine things before I think of the country of Turkey. I think of an actual turkey I think of deli meat turkey. Yeah, once it's processed. I think of like tur I think of like turkey sandwiches

I think of turkey clubs. I think I'm literally an idiot too. Like when I hear about there's a country called Jordan I'm like was it like Michael Jordan land Like footlocker, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, then what's the other one? There's one called Georgia There's something I go. What is ever future lives? Yeah Although I'm never gonna learn anything god bless these people that keep up with current events. I'll never read about anywhere ignorance I don't know where Ukraine is. I don't know any ignorance kicks ass I do when when people like Europeans online are like, oh Americans couldn't even point out Turkey in a map It's like yeah, who gives give a shit. I have Jimmy John's. Yeah, fuck off idiot Go take a nap fucking, you know open up your shop for three hours a day

Why don't you go die in the summer? Yes, you don't have AC your old people literally die when it gets hot Fucking idiot fuck where you're from bitch. Yeah, they're just be fucking This is funny like the racist like xenophobic guy from like 2003 that always used to be like why is there a fucking Spanish button on the ATM like learn to fucking speak to be like, why is there a fucking Spanish button on the ATM? Like learn to fucking speak. Like you, like eventually you do come and become that guy. You become so lazy.

You go like, yeah, I guess I kind of agree with that. You realize that guy's not lazy. He's racist, he's lazy. He's just lazy, but I've always had this like racist internal thought where I'm just like, learning other languages. I'm like, but English is the one. Yeah.

Like it's the best one. It's like the factory setting. I thought everyone should just know that. It's like, why'd you change? Like it's like getting an iPhone'm like, but English is the one. It's the best one. It's like the factory setting. I thought everyone should just know that. It's like getting an iPhone and it has that stock background on it. I'm like, why'd you change it? I remember, yeah, I was in an office, I was like 25 at a temp job

and I was just like, kind of like, this old, old Chinese couple came in, they'd been in America for 40 years and they could not speak English. And I was like, yeah, that's just strange. I don't care, but you figure you live in a place for 40 years and they could not speak English. And I was like, you know, that's just strange. Like I don't care. But like you figure you live in a place for 40 years, like you would learn the language. And somebody reacted like I just screamed the N word at them. Yeah. There's a woman who was like, Jess, how could you possibly,

you know, like if I lived in France for 40 years, I couldn't speak French. I'm a fucking retard. Yeah. I should get executed. There's white liberals out there that like they don't speak Spanish, but when they're trying to communicate to somebody that doesn't speak any English, they think it's racist for not Understanding Spanish. Yeah, like they think they're being racist for being like I don't I don't know Right the say the white women who go to the taco truck and they go can I get a Chicharron. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can I get a chicharron? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a taco? Yeah. Ooh, that, you know, it really gets me going, by the way.

What is it? It's when, like, Israeli people say, hamas, like that, oh, it fucking really pisses me off. Yeah. And it pisses me off when Italians pronounce something Italiany. Oh, yeah, it sucks, though. Oh, I hate it, it really pisses me. I'm a some bricks

Fuck up I really hate when Israeli people do the Hamas because they none of them like actually I figured out none of them lived there Like they're from like Philly and they moved to Israel and they changed their name to like jingle jangle or something Like Benjamin Netanyahu, I think his name was like Ben Howard andangle or something. No, like literally, like Benjamin Netanyahu, I think his name was like Ben Howard and he lived in Philadelphia. Yeah. Is that true?

Yeah, no he literally. I thought he was like a guy with like chickpeas and the whole thing. No, he literally grew up in like Philadelphia, like listening to Hall and Oats. And then you moved to Israel and you like changed your name to like Wahoo, ya-ha.

Yeah, exactly. Just an amusement park. You changed your name to like laugh, like ha ha ha ha ha. you change your name to Wally world Yeah, you have to LMAO Yeah, LMAO red food, that's my name. I'm the president of Israel and I just do the Yeah, you're up in Philly I get not gonna lie though. I do get really jealous of the big Israeli and Jewish titties I see some times where my god's like when they're ripe,

ripe for the pickin', it's fuckin', there's nothin' better. The form is incredible, oh my god. The greatest argument for Israel as a nation state dominating Palestine is the beautiful Jewish tits. Ben Shapiro's sister, like the tits are just like incredible. It's insane. It's amazing how good they are. Yeah, her tits are huge. Non-ironically, like I just gotta give it up for her tits.

You know her tits are, they're not, they don't have any milk, they're full of black on black crime statistics. Yeah, also RIP Candace Owen said. Yeah. What did she do, by the way? She's trying to keep a black man down. She like, you know, was anti-Israel,

and now Ben Shapiro fired her. But now she's also, I think, kind of like switching up and pretending she gave a fuck about black people. Yeah, she's like when O.J. got acquitted. She's like leaning into being like, I care about black, my black heritage now. You know, it's gonna backfire. She's gonna have to like meet Al Sharpton

and like call him the N-word and like hit him, you know. She's gonna freak out. Where the hell did my damn zens go? I said the N-word, I can't find my zens. By the way, is that your damn knife that you keep flipping around? I think this is your knife, I found this here.

I have no idea where that came from. I thought that was your knife. Really? Is that your knife, Devin? No, it's not my knife. This is on the damn table. You think I would just just show up with a knife and not talk about it?

I'd just be waving at it and be like, ha, ta, ta. Waving it around? Maybe the fucking Mega Fairy paid me a little visit. Maga Fairy? Yeah, and left me a little. Mega? What? Why'd you say Mega Fairy?

Mega. Maga or Mega? Mega. Mega. Sega? Mega. What are you doing? What are you saying? Does everybody say Mag say MAGA people say MAGA too, right? No, nobody says today But it's an A But a can be pronounced that way right? No, if you're dumb wrong

You're retarded. No, but I think a can be pronounced like that MAGA MAGA You think it's make America great again No, it's just like you can pronounce like make it like some people do say mega because like make America great again So then like the MA you're too retarded to be a man. Yeah, you're retarded to do January sorry you're out Your F you're gonna kick me off the team who you who's gonna fill my seat No, no, I want to hear I want to hear who do you think can fill fill these boots right here well in a year of 500 pound guys okay I want to say this I'm vaping mm-hmm I'm not

hungry for dinner I'm but like I'm realizing since I'm vaping that I'm not hungry and I don't need to eat yeah just want to do something yeah yeah that's all it is. You just need to have an oral fixation. You just start sucking dick while you're at it. This is great. I don't think about dying really and I don't feel bad. I don't feel like I have to eat a bunch of sugar

that makes me crash. Imagine if we put some nicotine in that. How that would take that cloud nine. That's why you're not hungry. You're inhaling pastries from a flash drive. I kind of feel like I'm just eating cinnamon rolls. It's great. Is it cinnamon rolled flavored?

Oh no, it's like a peachy flavor, but peach to me always sort of turns into a deserty kind of. Yeah, peach is great. It's my favorite one. Everyone needs a thing like that. Everyone needs something that they can walk outside and like if there's a moment, literally any moment where nothing's happening, where you're leaving

to go do something and then somebody goes, hold on, I gotta go grab my thing, and then you go, I don't know, let me grab that thing in my pocket that's terrible for me. It's filler, it helps with all the filler moments in life. Can I say too, as someone who's smoked for a long time, that this is way better than a cigarette? Oh, so much better than a cigarette. It just looks cooler to have a cigarette hanging from your mouth Oh looks so way. Those are way better. Look so goddamn cool. That's a porn for people

It's just like hot actresses and actors having a cigarette that long white I saw share photos like that all the time like it's the coolest artsy s thing I saw love I saw love lies bleeding last week and it's Kristen Stewart and that muscly chick smoking cigarettes the whole time It made me want to jack off immediately It was so good. It's a damn shame that she's gay. Yeah, it's a damn It's a damn shame what the world's come to you'd see your pussy your tits and then does she fuck you then I fuck Yeah, one ticket for the Kristen movie. Can I fuck her? Come on, buddy. Just let me fuck her if I pay a little extra. Can I fuck her?

To the movie. Yeah He goes buddy. He goes, but you cool you a cop Let's you the bag bag that she's tied up he's, we got her in the back, she did a Q and A. We got her, dude. You can fuck her. He's like, 50 bucks. You're like, that seems low. You're like, you can charge way more for this.

He goes, it's for the love of the game. That's why I do it now. No, it was funny. I took my girlfriend to see the movie because I was like, you know Be hot hot hot. Yeah, maybe if it's empty, you know, maybe we'll start, you know, like that guy that got caught jacking off Yeah, okay and booze. Yes, literally. I was like, maybe that could be my night Maybe that could be me. I knock your girlfriend out and start jacking off to the movie I and start jacking off to the movie. I fall asleep. Just to get rid of it.

I buy a big pocket of popcorn so I can jack off without her knowing. Hit her with the butt of a gun. And then I get caught. I fall asleep and then we both get caught. We both get caught. Jacking off. And then you're charged with assault.

Yeah, sexual deviancy. Yeah. Yeah. I think you become, like, technically, like a sex offender, right? If that happens. I think his dick was out Anyway, so we were the many ways. I'm dealing with the same thing I was in the American Society of Magical Negroes, and I was I couldn't stop jacking off You felt you fell asleep, and they caught you with a white white power sign

They go, sir. I was jacking off to three point highlight tapes on my phone and I was doing this and I fell asleep while doing this sign. I woke up a racist apparently. I go, God damn it. The boy loves Steph Curry. He must be racist. Now when I was watching the movie and it was like

a completely empty theater right until the show and it was like a completely empty theater, right until the show is like, Oh hell yeah, we'll be alone. You know, if I can like grab a titty or something. And this guy, um, this like old biker looking like with the white, like the orange County choppers, one of those types of guys like walked up with his like little reading glasses and his wife and he was like, he was like, all right, we were G15. He goes, all right, G17, 17, here it is right here.

And he sat down right next to me. His wife goes, do you wanna move over? And he goes, nah, I don't wanna fucking move. And then he just sat, empty movie theater, we're just watching Kristen Stewart finger bang this big, strong lady. And he- Do you think it was a swingers couple type of deal?

No, no, no, no, here's the thing. I think he was so retarded because the movie started and it was like, they were in the gym. He's like, oh, okay, all right, okay, cool. And then Kristen Stewart and the hot lady started fucking and he goes, what the hell? He got angry. He's so homophobic he doesn't even like lesbian sex.

Dude, he literally turned to his wife and he goes, what kind of hell type of movie is this? Shit. Starts attacking the screen with a tire iron. Faggots. Wormin' faggots. It's not as bad but it's still bad. I'm a little hard but fuck you, different.

Fuck you for making me hard. It's wrong. There ain't a big juicy man's cock, it's gay. I hate people that eat pussy. That's gay. Fucking gay. He literally went, what the hell, and his wife goes, don't, come on,

like watch the movie. And then we just sat next to this weird fucking guy. That's so strange. I know Aviator is a like mega like aviator A is it a can be pronounced like a Aviator or something you're like this nerd the otter. Yeah, I hate you. You're this nerdy kid You're this nerdy kid who gets an argument at school and you come back at like seventh period and you go, by the way, I spoke with Ms. Jenkins and I was right.

Oh no, I just had a flashback to something I did that was really bad. What? Oh man. So I used to, a big thing at our church was this creation theory where we believe that the earth was 6,000 years old. And you have Kube created all white people on earth We invented the you cube Mary and yeah We believe the earth of six thousand years

So the genealogy of Jesus so Jesus was a died two thousand years ago And then the genealogy of Jesus if you do it in the Old Testament all the way back to Adam and Eve is another about 4,000 years because people lived like 800, so it was like there's nine guys and then you're back to Adam and Eve. There's Jesus and then, but then only. There's this one long passage in like the beginning of Mark or something where they're like, and then Esau beget chomp chomp and chomp chomp

beget cherry pie boy. They like, it literally lists 80 people in a round, it's like, and then he beget Jesus Christ, who wasn't Jewish. D-d-d-d-d. Yeah, who was white. Christ, who wasn't Jewish. Yeah, who was white. Yeah, who was white by the way. That's the thing where they go,

the earth is 6,000 years old because of these guys. So I was in science class in seventh grade and I was really, I mean me and Jace were preaching at the time. And we were really, really, I don't know if you were out of it or because you were ninth grade, but I was really into it. I was preaching like I was Robert Mitchum

in Night of the Hunter. I was going up in church, I go, let me tell you the story of strong hand we can, of love and hate, Brother Cain and Abel. You're dabbing. I go, it's with this hand that Brother Cain struck down Brother Abel and it's with this hand. Did you go go by the way

I do have an eating disorder because of this shirt by the way I have a vicious eating disorder, but everybody's congratulating me. I'm being thin because I don't eat anymore my bones hurt every day Anyway, I went up to my science teacher because he said like that he was a Christian But he still believed in evolution. Yeah, which is a thing a lot of Christians. I know I had that Catholic school, too We'd have to take tests We'd have the religious test and the science test on the same day, and I'd be like, you literally have to cancel

both things out, like you leave one test, then you go, well none of that other test was true, now this is real. Oh, you had to believe both? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. It was very bizarre. Which Catholics love, they love not believing something while they believe it.

Yeah, and then they just cheat and buy trucks and stuff. Yeah, exactly. It's part of their religion. It's all fake. Yeah. I went, like he taught this in class, and then I went home, and then I went to church, and I asked my teacher after class

to stay after class and talk to me. And I was like, my science teacher, he doesn't believe the earth is 6,000 years old, and this and that, and they were like, it's okay. And they were rubbing my back like, it's okay buddy. Like let's sit down. Yeah, he goes, now man, get down on the near my lap. Right there.

Lock the door. Lock the door. Like we talked about it. We read scripture and then like I highlighted stuff. And then I brought my Bible to school. You know, I did this. No. So after class, like everybody was like, bell rang and everyone left and then I,

it was like everyone with a lunch or whatever. Yeah. And I went up to him, I was like, hey teach, I, Hey teach. And I like, I reached into my backpack and I pulled out, I pulled out my Bible. You probably wish I pulled out a gun.

Yeah. At that point. This is a Christian guy too, but it's like, oh Jesus Christ. Yeah. I was like, actually, you know, I really disagree with your views of the creation of the earth, and I don't think that the story in Genesis allows

for that sort of time to elapse, because I know you believe that when God said he created the world in seven days, that a day in the eye of the Lord could be a million years But in fact, I think it is the day that we use today which is 24 hours I think God is actually capable of that and you're somewhat diminishing his like omniscient and omnipresent and all-powerful Like I have this verse here and this for the guy. I guess goes what a faggot

He's not gonna fuck you dude Stop riding God's dick, dude He was like he was turning red almost kind of where he's like man you you fucking yeah, you were like auditing God, yeah Getting God for tax evasion you're the first kid to have a teacher shove you in a locker. Oh man. Yeah, he immediately owned me, by the way, somehow. What did he say? I can't remember.

I was like 13. He just called you gay. I mean, you can get owned by an adult pretty easy when you're 13. All they have to do is say some adult shit. Yeah. And you go, yeah, I got no life experience. I got nothing. I never did that because I was so afraid of being called the gay.

But I do remember in science class, we did have the teacher be like, so, you know these studies carbon dating has proved that the earth is like You know three billion years old and I remember, you know, we had like literally I know sometimes I come off like a lewis-cuck but we literally had like guys who were like Like they really looked like an enemy grinder called the US Army and they go I can't wait to put my fucking head in that I Can't wait to get out of here and die to kill brown people. And guys would like raise their hands and be like, that's not what it said.

At the Baptist Church, that's not what they tell us. And it like started a whole like fight. In science class. In science class. I did have one teacher who like taught us the whole like evolution, big bang, and then she closed the book and she goes, now here's what I believe.

And she was literally like, and there was the Garden of Eden and it was a man and a woman and she ate the apple because women are hoarse and they're bad. And this was 45 minutes of public. Okay, now who here knows the Olive Garden? How about, it's like that, it's the Olive Garden of Eden. Think of that, garden of Eaton

You know, there's another type of olive garden And that's the garden of Gethsemane that Jesus was in before he was crucified and he's sweaty blood. Yeah, he's sweaty blood Cuz he had diabetes There was my favorite part of church, I know we talked about church so much But if there is a fuck who gives a fuck my favorite part was like this I know we talked about church so much, but my favorite part of church was... Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? My favorite part was... Please like us. Before, would you do communion?

Yeah, we would have to eat the cracker. Cracker and the juice. We didn't do it all hoary where you have to sip it out of the old guy's cup like that. We didn't get to drink anything. Yeah. Is it still recording, Ben? Yeah, for some reason it stopped recording. Good thing I checked.

Okay. Is it recording now? Yeah, it's recording now. Okay, great. Yeah, you want to plug it into that? You just throw my phone on the ground. That's fun You plug it into the oh Great should we pause real quick? All right

Are you gonna speak into a microphone you're just gonna hold it and look at us Take you take your time. Oh, yeah, Ben broke the tripod earlier. Yeah, Ben did snap the tripod head off Anyway, so you're gonna keep this in I'll just keep going okay I don't know how else to film it because the tripods broke and I only have the iPhone one you're gonna have like there's gonna be some fat retarded guy listening to the patreon is basement throwing up because you're giving him motion sickness right now

Give him like Blair Witch podcast You know you we should start just strapping go pros to all of our chests and film the podcast like that Okay, what if I? man, man sad sad to see what you've become Anyway anyway, so we would do communion. We didn't do the gay cup thing that you guys did where you had to drink it out of his, you know, he didn't put the wafer on your tongue like a whore.

Yeah. But we did do the cup, and they would always do like this reminder of what happened to Jesus before the communion, and they would literally be an old guy and be like, and he carried the the cross and it broke the fourth vertebrae on his spine It cracked it into and then what they did was they get a cat of nine tails and it was digging to the back with nine strands of rock and then they would like describe this horrific way this like the son of God had been like beat to death basically Yeah, and they go and he did it because of you

been like beat to death basically. Yeah. And they go, and he did it because of you. Because you can't stop sinning. Just the most fucked up thing to tell a kid. God damn. It is, it's like you read, it's like they, it's basically like the first Saw movie. Yeah.

But if Saw happened because you masturbate. Because of you, yeah. It's all your fault. Yeah, yeah, Gary, Gary Ooles is trapped in a bathroom because Jack off. They're gonna have no video for the last 15 Yeah, this is insane Okay It feels it feels so invasive it feels like you're about to like Roman Polanski me while I talk I demand we have 10 minutes left so

It's not like it's that I demand we do an hour 45 It's so creepy God where's your mic your mics over here mics's over here right here Benjamin there you go Keep my vape on I keep that muffin thing around I keep it my vape on a chain So I never lose that shit right look it's Ben's autobiography right here the sound and the fury Get a shot of that You're gonna accidentally shoot our tax records that are on a table or something We shoot our tax records that are on a table or something Part of Jim Kim right now is this is this a good is this bad if I'm just literally filming myself like no I think people will love that no complaints

What have you checked around there like that step so they've ever Yeah, I'm just gonna I'll just feel myself like I'm in the when Ed Helms wakes up in the hangover Yeah, we're gonna film our pod. That's what I'm just gonna, I'll just feel myself like I'm in the, when Ed Helms wakes up in the hangover, that's how we're gonna film our podcast. What do tigers dream of? When they dream a little tiger dream. I was thinking about Ed Helms and just how much I don't like him now.

You're just sitting in traffic stewing about Ed Helms. This is how much of a psycho I am. I'll be like on an older like rocking chair, like what, like I I'm back and him suck He was just a guy who was there. What did he contribute? He was just some guy. He has people told me to check out Cedar Rapids. I thought it sucked And now he's making that Native American show like anybody gives a shit The Native American show it's called like I don't know like Pawnee. I don't know, I have no fucking idea.

It's called Pawnee. Yeah, it's called Fucking Indians, that's what it's called. No, he plays like a park ranger or something and it's like a native land or something, you know? Great, I hear park ranger, my eyes roll to the back of my fucking head. No, there's like-

Great, it's a live animation yogi bear. Yeah, there's like three TV shows where they're like, we've got the great comic, Mutech to be on the show You know he's a guy who's been drinking himself to death on a reservation somewhere doing comedy every once in a while man Ben what? Did I'm getting I'm trying to break my lungs back in I'm introducing all the talk doesn't hurt has it started hurting Feels good, right? It's great when you get like a lot of time off break my lungs back in, I'm introducing all the talks. Does it hurt? Has it started hurting? No, it feels good.

Feels good, right? It's great when you get a lot of time off. It feels nice. Ben, you know what the best is? What I do is I smoke a cigarette once every five months. And that thing really does hit like crack cocaine. It's beautiful. You get that head rush that you always were looking for.

That head rush, you just grab it and it fucking stinks. It feels like shit. The last time you smoked a cigarette was at the comedy mothership And you felt so bad you wanted to die that was because I was in a place of pure evil Surrounded by people who should get very uncomfortable and Gardini was Gardini went through like seven packs Yeah, Gardini was like like Sam Spain. Yeah, he's like Johnny Carson. Yeah Gardini are you solving a murder right now? What's happening? Johnny Carson. Yeah. Gardini, are you solving a murder right now?

What's happening? Oh, man. Yeah. But no, it feels amazing when you do it like on your own. That head rush is like the reason that people get into it. I mean, other than the addiction, obviously. Yeah. Other than, you know, the nicotine and the addiction mechanism. But you feel high for a little bit. You do. You get that. But if you're on an empty stomach and you smoke a cigarette. Oh, my God. Oh, you. You vibrate. Yeah. You vibrate a little bit. You do, you get that buzz. If you're on an empty stomach and you smoke a cigarette, oh my God.

Oh my, you start, you vibrate. Yep. You vibrate a little bit. Nothing better. Yeah. And if you are, you're listening to the show and you've been struggling, you know, maybe you're three weeks, no cigs.

Go back to it. Go back to it, maybe light one up. Spark it up. There's a reason you're so angry right now. It's because you're not doing all, you're not, you know, having all the same habits you used to have. I truly, the times I've tried to quit nicotine, like day four, I start like going,

I don't know if I actually can quit it, because I feel like I'm going insane. Really? I do, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been doing it for 15 years. Dude, I'm telling you, I've been going to nicotineisgood.com and they have a lot of great facts

about how it's actually good. That documentary was like that changed Everything and I just watched the trailer. It looked great. I watched the trailer. I watched 30 seconds of trail I said Nick it all you gotta do They had a fucking guy with an accent who seemed like a scientist saying that it's actually like incredibly beneficial and I was like That's all I need. I'm in love a good nicotine documentary. I'm in I forget the name of it I looked at the thumbnail and I go, okay, it's good now. Just type in nicotine trailer and watch 10 seconds

and go damn, I should start smoking again. I go, no one has ever lied to me on the internet before, so this is good now. From what they kind of say, from what I vaguely understand, which I don't, is that it's actually great for your brain and personality. It's a new tropic. And it makes you charismatic.

It centers you. Huberman's a big nicotine guy. Huberman's a big advocate for nicotine, and look at him. Yeah. Because he's fucking so much, he needs those cigarettes. Well, it still doesn't help him focus on one broad. That'd be really funny if Andrew Huberman was dating a great big fat lady.

Yeah, he was a big chubby chaser. They're all huge broads. Huge, fatty shit. He could literally be like plowing through 18 year old like Stanford freshmen. The fucked up thing is when I read any of those things, I was just I immediately started trying to find what the women look like. I was like, but what because one of them said like, he was like a gorgeous model. And I'm like, who the fuck is this? I went to his Instagram. I'm like, who

does he follow? Show me, I wanna check after it. Where is she? Your life's mine now. Did he ever? Your life is mine. Did he ever retort to coming? No, he just immediately. He just has been posted.

He just moved right on. Yeah, he has not commented on it whatsoever. He just immediately posted like, hey, sitting under trees is good for you. Yeah, he's like, drinking water makes you hydrated. People are like, excellent, genius, brilliant. And people, you know, he's like drinking water makes you hydrated, you know people like excellent genius brilliant and people you know He's just gonna post through it and it works Once you're someone's like Colt

Once you're the leader of someone's Colt, you can just do no wrong. You can be just you can do whatever He'll be fine. He's actually gonna get bigger now cuz people are like, yeah any fuck I kind of hope he does now I mean, I genuinely do like him. Yeah, it's cooler. It would be fun if he also turned heel. He became a real alt-right guy. He's like six clinical studies that show that women are fucking inferior. He's doing calipers on women's hips and shit.

Yeah, why you should drown women in cold plunges. I think I do know people that he's fucked now that I think about it. Where I'm like, damn, I know a couple people he's went on dates with. I'm like, fuck. Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. I know some people he's fucked as well. Yeah. I don't like know him, but I know of them. That's awesome. Yeah. He fucked Nadav from your mom's house. Yeah, he did. He fucked Nadav. Yeah. It would be funny if he thing was like and he's also they were all men he was fucking and you're like okay well we do have to cancel him now

he's fucking gay Brian Redman has great big fat milkers yeah I feel like he's under his shirt you ever see that movie Titan where the ladies trans it's that French weird like Oh to town toon? Taton. No. What are you giving me that look? She's doing a thing where she's pretending to be a guy who's a firefighter and she starts taping down her breasts. Like, muan. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I feel like Brian Redband does that with his tits. Cause he is a big, he's a big egg, but no tits. His tits are probably just like a soda fountain. Mm-hmm. You just get whatever you want. He does a suicide? You change it like at the yeah, with the new ones, you can get like

cherry coke, lime coke. It's a soda fountain, but it's vape juice that comes out. One cinnamon, one turn over. He smokes his tits. He's the dude. If he's somebody, he's the only guy with a blood type that has vanilla.

Yeah. It's like orange cream. I can literally see that at a lime. I can literally see- Add lime. I can literally see Brian be like, I'm gonna go vape, I'm stressed out, and then sitting on the big mushroom that the caterpillar used in Alice in Wonderland. He's smoking like an Indian caterpillar.

He finds out he's sick, but it has nothing to do with white blood cells, like you're low on xanthan gum. Get him a baggie of Red D 450 ccs right now. His body is low, he has no carrageenan in it. I need some taurine stat. Anybody know what taurine is? That's what it is. When I was a kid everyone used to say it was bull cum. And that was what the shit in like Red Bull was. It was bullaurus everyone said bulges energy drinks, right? Yeah, Tori Tori Tori and you're like Taurus, right? Like the bull I think yeah, I loved 14 year old rumors when you were growing up. Yeah, they've rolled Yeah, like Sierra's trans reason because the game hated her and we're all like a fuck women. I forgot about that fuck women

What are we at Ben? 58 it's gotta be making people nauseous. I think it's so awesome. This is gonna be the regular app It actually is mm-hmm that's fine with me So yeah the episode before this was the page Patreon.com slash lemon party. Can you get a shot of this real quick? I'm gonna party dot life DC Philly vague not Vegas Somewhere else you're doing Vegas on your Vegas is where we take the weapons Ben's really desperate for money. Sorry doing lemon party live without

He's just an Atlantic City Okay, guys doesn't go with everybody. What are we gonna in Phillyilly by the way, are we gonna do, are we gonna do a little stinkers? Are we gonna do warm-up? What are we doing boys? Are we gonna meet up with the whole Philly gang? I don't fucking know. I know we're gonna meet up with Butterly. We gotta have some people at the Philly show

that's really gonna be like a Philly. Philly thing. Philly thing. Yeah. Philly thing. Philly thing. We're gonna have little stinkers. Hey, I've heard they got a great cheesesteak out there,

I'll tell ya. Do you know, um, uh. Just the biggest douchebag alive. And when we go to New York, I gotta see that damn Statue of Liberty. I'll tell ya that much. Here we are, boys, the Big Apple. The Big Apple, I heard this city never sleeps.

The Big Apple, I can't wait to take a bite out of it. Oh my God, when I'm in Boston, I can't wait to kill a gay guy. Ah, Washington, D.C., I'm gonna smoke crack and kill a whore. Oh my God, D.C., I just smuggled a child myself and my arms are tired. This angle looks so bad. Dude, I feel bad for any woman who's ever sucked my dick.

Yeah, oh, it's disgusting. This point of view looks awful. You should be ashamed of yourself. Double-cheeked sucked me off Yeah, just imagine what women when they have to watch us come Yeah, and we look like we hate it the worst is the worst is you being on top is gotta be brutal Yeah, have you ever seen your like face and body while you're like upside down doing a push-up pose It's brutal like your hand your face hang put the camera mirror. This is how I come this is I come I couldn't imagine anyone thinking this is good. I go I go Give it Charlie, and then I zip up and I go You come like you got a cramp

Okay, can I can I show I come then it's very embarrassing this I go I go I'm very big on I go You come like you're in pain you go Ah! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cumming kicks ass. Yeah, cumming rules. What a feeling. I hate it.

Do you cum, do you cum, and this is like, this might be too not PC for the podcast, but when you guys cum with a woman, do you cum harder or less hard? It kinda feels like a sneaky cum, like I'm not even sure it happens. Really? Yeah, like it's like it's got stolen from me.

Sometimes, maybe I know this is true love. Sometimes I'll cum with my girlfriend. It feels like my urethra's gonna like shoot out of my penis. Obviously then there's other times where it's unbelievable and you feel like you lost, like a bee that lost its stinger. Mm-hmm, literally, yeah. I'm like, and my dick's gone now. My dick blew off like a frag grenade.

Yeah, you're gonna shit my dick out Go on go on the damn pearl it go on the damn pearl it and shit my dick yeah, give me my goddamn dick back I'm pretty sure Cummings like not even real. I think we trick ourselves into thinking we Because we're told by society that we come. Yeah, so therefore we think we tell the penis Yeah, yeah is behind it. I Fully sold on it to be Frank. I do It is funny that when you have sex with the lady She has to go shit the cum out of her pussy into the toilet. That is very funny

Yeah, take a shit cuz you fuck them so hard. Yeah, they have to like activate It's always funny how much more work they have to go through after having sex than you. I know. You roll over, cover yourself with a blanket so they can't see you anymore. You just wipe up and pull your pants up and you're just right back to TV.

And then they're in the bathroom trying to shit the come out. And they have to pee so they don't get a disease or something. They're shitting at you. Like, hey, can you get me a fruit roll up when you come back? Babe, babe, somebody feed Phil's he's in Cambodia. Well, she's digging in her pussy trying to not get pregnant. Yeah. Well, this is apparently with the what's the female birth control, the I U T not UTI, not I U D I D.

I don't know what I always thought I U D's were things We like dropped on countries like and then a woman said she had one in her pussy I think it's I E there's a weapon in your pussy. Yeah Explosion device, but apparently those are like the most painful thing of all time. Yeah those put in well You know, they got to put up with something because we need I want to come raw Yeah, so figure it out. I don't get it I know the birth control makes him like drown the kids and you know all that shit But like fucking whatever drive on the wrong side of the highway in a minivan full of children

Yeah, buddy, but like you gotta do something because I need to come raw Women are a mystery, but only Women are literally only a mystery because they're too boring for us to spend time on them to figure them out So they'll just forever be it's a puzzle with four pieces that we refuse to put together right women are mystery because women are a mystery because sometimes they'll be like it's it makes me sad when you talk about me like That and you'll be like I'm what I'm not I didn't hear you. Yeah, are you a mystery or are you just retarded and boring? Mm-hmm. All right. Oh women you a mystery or are you just retarded and boring? Mm-hmm are all women are a mystery They say a thing they don't mean and then they do another thing and then say a different thing

They don't mean that contradicts the other thing. They didn't mean. Oh, are you a myth? Are you a mystery or are you fucking retarded? Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Get up dude. Hell yeah fuck them up Yeah, dude, dude. Yeah, if you're right, dude, have you hold me back? Fuck them up. Yeah, dude. Dude. Yeah, that's right. Dude, have you ever? Hold me back.

Yeah. We read your books finally finished and it's just, I hope they serve beer in hell too. I hope they serve Ritiken 0.0 in hell. Yeah, that's right. That's damn right. Yeah. It's just stories you made up

about chicks throwing up on your penis. It's actually just stories about the times I jacked off really good. Yeah. The best comes of my life. You're like, all right, so it was 2004. I was at a Best Buy. I stole a laptop and jacked off in the bathroom

to pornography. Dude, I'm gonna write that book now recalling the best jackoffs of my life. Like the day I discovered like Hentai. Yeah, but it's like Wren's beautiful prose. Oh, it's beautiful, yeah. You're like Nabokov, but it's all wasted. Yeah By the way, do not read Lolita but I made that was hard to get through because you were so erect and hard

The whole one to jack off dude The whole thing is like will they or won't they and then what a tease that you hit part two halfway through the book And then the rest of it is there they're just doing it No, really? Yeah. No, they do it. Yeah, they do like a lot and it's like painful for her Yeah, no, he's an actual he's an actual pedophile in the book Yeah, initials is HH. Well, we're too for hell it It's very strange. Apparently everyone's a pedophile though. So how's that? It's really not that I genuinely I think everyone's a pedophile except for me air apparently everyone is a pedophile It's that's every day

Everyone wants to fuck kids every single day the every single day somebody thought was just like a normal guy is he's a pedophile Mm-hmm, so what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Yeah, well say love you patron. Hey support support our vigilante Pedophile excursions at patreon.com slash limit party where we hunt down Pedophiles and assault them. Yeah, emotionally. Yeah, it's called the Leah hunters We're dog the batty hunter, but yeah crystal. Yeah, We just basically buy tickets to the Laugh Factory and arrest everyone on stage. Dude, there's so many pedophile vigilantes now, how are they not arresting famous people at this point?

What do you mean? It should every day, they lure someone out to Kmart and it's literally Steven Spielberg. We need entertainment. That would rule if they were doing To Catch a Predator and Samuel L. Jackson showed up. Somebody mega famous, you wouldn't expect expect they let him do it. Yeah Samuel we love you. You're great. We let him do anything around here. We let him do it. He's a great actor

They invented the supporting actor at the pond or the cans film festival because of him excellent color of kangol cap today Now you can fuck my daughter. Mm-hmm. Tarantino shows up and they throw him in jail. It is a weird thing, because if my daughter was 16 and then I found out she was flirting with Samuel L. Jackson and he wanted to date her, I wouldn't, I don't know if I'd be mad. Yeah, I know, it's the same as,

there's the joke, when I saw Priscilla, she's having to tell her parents like Elvis wants To like hang out with me like go on a date and the parents are kind of like like It's like if that honestly they should remake the movie where the dad is like, oh you're fucking going You're gonna fuck the shit out of He's fucking Elvis Presley, he's poking holes in her condom. He's like our lives suck ass I'm in the fucking army I suck ass. I'm in the fucking army.

Lemonparty.live for all the live dates. Come see us on the road. Should we just make up stuff? Little Stinkers is opening for us. And catch us. All the dates. And we're in Haiti. April 30th.

Yeah, Mike Rainey's opening for us in Haiti. And Tim Butterly. And War Mode. Yep. That's right All of Philly. Yep. Everybody you love is gonna be on the show. Mm-hmm So if you don't come out, you're gonna have to kill yourself. Yep Living party dot live for the tickets. We do live streams on the lemon party clips channel and god bless everybody I hope you have a great girl. Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina Music would play and Polina would whirl

Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican maid I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a while young cowboy came in Wild as the West Texas wind