lemonparty - 082: American Herstory X

Starting point is 00:00:00 What exactly is the point point of this so now we're not holding you so well now when I google stuff I do this oh interesting wow yeah you gave yourself a gun holster for slurs okay pretty good there we go that's how it works. All right. Does it really work on this table? And yeah, I made it work. It's very nice to be back here. It is nice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:00:52 Very nice to be back with you all. No more touring. No more touring. No more getting shouted at by guys who are wanted by the state. And then immediately spending, for me, spending a week amongst every person with AIDS in North America.

Starting point is 00:01:08 I truly can't believe we didn't catch hepatitis just from a handshake or something. I know, somebody just hitting us with a rusty needle while they were shaking our hands. I appreciated meeting everybody. Everybody had very cool vape tricks and diseases. It was fun. Yeah, it was a great time. No, it's great time fans that come up They'd scratch an open herpes sore and then shake your hand. It was fantastic They shake your hand and then you then you'd go like

Starting point is 00:01:38 Shake the water Your hand before you went and signed up guys guys walking up with open wounds on their neck that they're applying maggots to, like it's the Civil War. Can you sign my leech? One guy, I mean there was a couple guys who handed us posters that were sopping wet to get signed. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, they're beautifully gross disturbed people. But if you ever post another live performance,

Starting point is 00:02:03 I'll fucking kill you then. I I think the thing about you guys you guys You just hate looking in the mirror Yeah, because I see you in the background See you behind me getting a hot fudge Sunday Although you're looking good. I think you've gone you started working out again you said? Yeah, then I fell off. Oh, okay, wow. Did you? Four days, four days exercising SpongeBob style.

Starting point is 00:02:31 Mm-hmm. With your assault bike? With my assault bike. That I love whenever you do an impression of it, it looks like my grandmother kind of explaining like some weird aerobics that she got into. You're like, I do the thing, like, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg, gg.

Starting point is 00:02:44 It really makes me sick whenever you talk about it. And I fucking, I shadow box. So I'm just, between reps, I'm just shadow boxing. Sam Hyde got you into shadow boxing. You're the first guy to get beat by the shadow. Yeah. Yeah. The shadows all over you, doing like the Muhammad Ali.

Starting point is 00:03:01 You're like, god damn, these black guys are good. You think you're clutching a plan. Your shadow's like, stop saying that word. It's beating the shit out of you. I got into a fight with a city worker at 7.30 a.m. outside my own home. Good, congrats, you're dead. I was a little appalled by my behavior. Really?

Starting point is 00:03:26 Did you just march out there like Tony Soprano in your underwear? He gave me, he gave this guy, this asshole, gave me a $78 ticket for parking outside of my own home. What happened? Which, I don't have street cleaning on my street, so I didn't know, apparently they were taring. Yeah, they tarred the whole fucking road. We did. Yeah, I walked through.

Starting point is 00:03:48 My shoes are like ruined, actually. I had to walk along the side and then up the mountain just to get to Ben's place without stepping and tar. And there was a bunch of old Arab men also. It was like this weird trail of tears just to get here. There's a bunch of acidic men stuck like it's the La Brea Tar Pits. They're just stuck. just to get here. There's a bunch of acidic men like stuck like it's the La Brea tar pits. They're just stuck.

Starting point is 00:04:08 Yeah. Huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss, huss to the city worker? Because he was like, hey, by the way, he didn't have to do this. I already had a $78 ticket. So he told you to move from the tar. No, he parked behind me. And then instead of just knocking on my door, he was sitting there on the phone to get me towed. What? To get me my car towed.

Starting point is 00:04:40 From your own place. So I had two neighbors calling me. Which is gonna take 30 minutes longer than just knocking on your fucking door yeah so he's just sitting there and there's tons of street sweeping people behind him and everything yeah and anyway at what point he goes uh cuz I flipped out on him immediately right and I was just like I'm trying to remember what I said cuz I'm like coming down the stairs and I say I'm walking like, I'm trying to remember what I said, because I'm like coming down the stairs. I'm walking downstairs when I get to the bottom to save my piece, I'm out of breath.

Starting point is 00:05:10 Yeah. To start the fight. Yeah, are you like kind of crusty, sleepy-eyed, like your jam is on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can't remember what I said. Throw his ass out. He's out.

Starting point is 00:05:23 Oh. I'd have a pitchfork up your ass. Throw his ass out. I'd have a pitchfork up your ass. He was like, buddy, look at the cones. And there were cones way the fuck around the bend, because you know I'm kind of on a bend. So I was like, I can't see him. He's like, you have taken over the city. And I was like, you know you guys just steal from people all day. I was really being, I was like,

Starting point is 00:05:45 but here's cause he was black. He was a white guy and he rolled up to talk to me. He could have just taken off once he saw I was moving the car. Cause it's mission accomplished. Why he stole the ticket, right? But the point is like, I'm a faggot or whatever. Like I, I'm not good at these things.

Starting point is 00:05:58 Every city worker is a piece of shit. Yeah. That he, as he's pulling up, he's like, buddy, you see this? You see this badge right here This means I basically just do data entry for the city. I go Am I here my wife closed the front door like she's embarrassed turned into that guy. I did retire Also equating a $70 ticket to the murder of the Jews Well, my Jewish neighbors were watching me from across the street so I wanted to pull it their fucking heartstrings, too

Starting point is 00:06:42 I gotta relate it to them. I'm playing for an audience out here. They probably called. They're the ones that probably called. They probably did. To get your car towed. Yeah, cause they called on, they tried to get clay towed the week prior, right? Oh no, that was a whole other thing.

Starting point is 00:06:54 But regardless, yeah, I did retire voice to the same worker. You turned into like Lemon Party, like guy going through like the border patrol and he's like, I refuse to do this. And then they bash your window and pull you out of your car. I know my first amendment rights. It's funny too, as I didn't even do it angry. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:16 I was just like, I have a sense. I'm not thinking I'm making it. I said, Mr. Hitler. You did it clinically. He's like, sir, sir, if you have a problem, and I just slammed the door on my own car and whipped my fucking minivan, I did a U-turn right there,

Starting point is 00:07:33 I started doing fucking donuts. I was like, you like this, bitch? You fucking like this? And I just went like that. Did you flip him off? No, no, I did a U-turn in front of him, though. Did he say anything to you? Like a crazy, and then I was driving and I'm mad. And I'm like,

Starting point is 00:07:47 but where do I go? I have nowhere. I just started driving in circles. I called my wife. I'm like, what do I do? Where's the nearest farmer's market? You drive right into it. Kill hundreds of people. Yeah. Get out, get the waffles. They're getting out. Yeah. Let's just start going at it. How good have you been? That's pretty great. Me behavior. I mean, it's embarrassing. I shouldn't be doing retard voice to a city worker. By the way, apparently he did this tour

Starting point is 00:08:14 at The Neighbors nine months ago, the same fucking guy. Or a different guy. He just knocked. He just knocked. He was like, hey, they're going to tar the street. He did this like a year ago. And he was like, I don't want to give you guys a ticket did this like a year ago. And he was like, I don't wanna give you guys a ticket, you just move your car.

Starting point is 00:08:27 And then there was one person on the block that had to move it. That's all you gotta do. And he never told you? No, he never did. And you think he singled you out? I think he specifically. Might know who you are.

Starting point is 00:08:37 They go, sir, sir, sir, I listen to the podcast. You know what made it all better though? What? Is I went to the podcast. You know what made it all better though? What? Is I went to a coffee shop and I get my pick of the litter with the baristas now. Okay. It feels like I'm picking puppies out of the box. Get your pick of the litter?

Starting point is 00:08:54 What does that mean? Well, there's like nine baristas in there, they're doing their crazy, like, you know, bisexual horse shit. Right, right, right. Behind there and you wanna pick the faggot to make your coffee. They go, who's watched the most BoJack Horsemen? I will take a Cortado from you, sir.

Starting point is 00:09:10 There's a science to this. Is it one of those baristas, like those coffee places where they're like, thank you friend, like those people. It's a little bit like that. Where they go, an order of friendship for Ben Avery. Mm-hmm. Oh shit Yeah, it's a lot of like they you want to try our shaken date espresso. It tastes like piss Sir for just a few dollars extra our most trans employee will take it into the bathroom and piss Pussy into the court you know what was making me laugh really hard is they have a little out of her weird dick pussy into the Cortana. You know what was making me laugh really hard

Starting point is 00:09:44 is they have a little slave basket, like a little weavy kind of basket you put cotton in. It's like a really racist weird basket next to the register. It's very strange. You have one of those downstairs. Well, I have a collection. Yeah, you keep teeth in it.

Starting point is 00:10:02 These are collector's items. You're simply making shirts. So they have a thing where they go, if you wanna pay the coffee forward to someone who has an ailment or is going through a specific thing, you pay for whatever coffee they want and then you write on the card

Starting point is 00:10:19 and then you take the card and you put it on this tree thing so someone can see it and on the things it says like, a depression, lost a loved one i wanted to pay it forward and then write on the card fat right and then it's just immediately for people just ripping clawing at it yeah i'd like to pay for the fattest guy's coffee here um yeah i actually so i i'm um i'm neurodivergent and then i'm very racist you know it's funny it's like i I'm I'm neurodivergent and then I'm very racist. You know what's funny is like I could have just I could have bought it and then just wrote fat on

Starting point is 00:10:50 it and put it up and see how long it stays. No, and you know what's funny is you would have put it up and it would have been like a bomb in there because it would have been it would have been like fucking fake trans 24 year olds looking at each other like is that good or is that bad? I don't 24 year olds looking at each other like, is that good or is that bad? I don't know, I don't know the discourse. I don't know. You go, sir. Am I here?

Starting point is 00:11:10 Sir, I'd like to pay for the fattest guy's coffee here. They go, sir, you already paid for yourself. It's okay. It's okay. But you know who I singled out? I wanted the fucking, what I do is kinda, I keep stepping back until like the next bisexual person is up. And I picked the lady who she had a shirt

Starting point is 00:11:29 that said House of a Thousand Corpses. Red gym shorts, gym basketball and one shorts. Like shower sandals, like a Hogwarts dyke. A great woman and she made me just the best cortado I've ever had in my life. That's's exactly who you want making your coffee like a Rob Zombie Hogwarts yeah, right. Okay good. She she killed I'm just saying I have a good eye for these things Yeah, a woman who was molested into being gay basically flat brim flat brim hat guys. They don't make a coffee I've had like a cholo flat brim guys. They don't they can't make a good cup of coffee. I don't know what it is

Starting point is 00:12:06 But you know, I'll let them cut my fruit or you know, whatever Give me hit me a cup of fruit cut my grass a cup of fruit and don't don't put all that skittle shit on it Don't put that weird sour patch shit on my cantaloupe. Yeah, what's that stuff called tap? Tahin yeah,in, yeah. Yeah, I'm onto people. That's a new Instagram real thing I keep getting suggested. It's like, put tahin on everything? People buy fruit roll-ups and they wrap them around

Starting point is 00:12:32 like ice cream bars and then they put tahin on it. That's a big, and it has like a million. There's a couple of those, these like savage restaurants in LA called like Menchies where people go and they literally open up a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and then they smother it in like mayonnaise and then sprinkle like Sour Patch Kids on it and then just human orbs walk in and take it to the mall.

Starting point is 00:12:53 Yeah, Christmas ornaments. Yeah. Hi, I've been hanging from a tree for nine months. Yeah, a Mexican 13 year old who looks like Gabriel Iglesias walks in and he goes, hello, I'd like to be a victim of society. Devin was like Jimmy Buffett cosplaying all weekend. Oh yeah, I had a great time.

Starting point is 00:13:12 You were getting like a fucking guy who owns his own business in Santa Carita, sunburn all weekend. Hanging out, literally everyone at this lake trip looked like Burt Kreischer. Every single person looked like Burt Kreischer. I saw you posted a picture of a couple people Yeah, they just flown through the water unbelievable. Just everyone had fake tits. No ass

Starting point is 00:13:30 They look like they fell asleep on the Sun and they turned black. I Saw some men who looked like they had c-section scars. Yes, like the doctor just thought they were pregnant to remove me Yeah, they go. Oh, no, bro, this isn't a stomach burst. No surgery. It was crazy. I guess it was called the Redneck Riviera. Whole lot of people with the fuck Biden flags on their boats.

Starting point is 00:13:55 A lot of twerking from some of the ugliest women I've ever seen. Those people follow the boat. They just crack like an egg, right? No, they float. Very, very easily. No one, they don't, they float. Very, very easily. Oh, they do? Mm-hmm. No one, they don't even need boats. They are the boat.

Starting point is 00:14:07 Yeah. They don't need, they don't even need jet skis. Mm-mm, mm-mm. They follow the boat, gators just come up, start ripping them to shreds. I saw what, then we pulled off, there's like a bar in a cove, and all of the urinals are mouths,

Starting point is 00:14:24 so, cause God forbid, you just pee into a normal thing, you have to pee into a fucking dumb cunt's mouth. Right. and all of the urinals are mouths, because God forbid you just pee into a normal thing, you have to pee into a fucking dumb cunt's mouth. Or else you're fucking gay. Literally every single second has to be gender affirming or I'm a faggot. And all the seats are asses. I mean these are free people.

Starting point is 00:14:41 They're the type of people that will help you out if you break down and whatnot. One guy had a flag on his boat that said, Joe and the hoe gotta go. And when we docked, he had a hat on, he was just sitting in his boat. I don't know, I don't really know if he could get out. He might just live in his driver's seat of the boat.

Starting point is 00:15:01 I don't think he's ever moved. It's a floating rascal scooter. Yeah. And he had a hat on that's a floating rascal scooter. Yeah. And he had a hat on that said, I love titties and beer. These people kick ass. People who they take like nine blue chew to get like sucked off only. Yeah. And there's a bridge there called the London Bridge. It's in Arizona.

Starting point is 00:15:20 Lake Havasia, Arizona is called the London Bridge because the retards that run the town were like they bought all the brick from the London Bridge and Built it here because I guess they thought like it'd be great tourist attraction Yeah, it's very very interesting place very interesting place. Yeah, that's very retarded Yeah, I don't get that because then that bridge that bridge was like faulty. I don't know didn't London Bridge fall down on their song Oh, no, I only know the nursery. All I know about history. I know from Mother Goose that bridge was like faulty or something? I don't know, didn't London Bridge fall down on their song? Oh no, I only know the nursery. All I know about history I know from Mother Goose, actually.

Starting point is 00:15:52 It's a good time though, you know? You just, all you have to do is say you fucking, you know, if it ever comes up, you know, if Trump, the election was stolen, and I'll fuck your wife, thank you. Thank you very much. I would love to fuck your wife who looks like Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Starting point is 00:16:10 That would be fantastic. Why do they say Kamala's a hoe? Where is it that, did she ever like suck dick? I think it's a little coded in racism a little bit. I don't know, I think if she was a white vice president, I don't know, they'd probably be like, Joe and the cunts gotta go, like more of a white slur. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:27 They're saying her black side is like I'm a low down ho. I think it's like a nappy headed ho type of thing. But that's not even like it's not like. Listen, they they do know so little about black people. Their racism is based in 1988. It's based on like listening to one in W.A. song. I'll say this 30. Once I can look, I'm going to email Ben Shapiro and I'm going to get the data on

Starting point is 00:16:50 body counts by demographic. OK, I want I want the body count, the median body count for a black woman under the age of 30 and then under the age of 30 for a white woman also. And then I'll look at both. And then I'm also going to factor in that Kamala is Indian as well and I'm gonna do like a whole thing and try to figure out what, if she is actually more likely to be a slut.

Starting point is 00:17:15 Cause I don't know if that is the case anymore. Well I think there is, there's like rumors that she like sucked and fucked her way to the top. Well she's a woman, I mean I imagine that some of that was going on. Well you got me. Yeah. I mean which is very funny because she was like

Starting point is 00:17:30 if only I can, if I blow the right judge one day I can kill every black man in San Francisco. I mean she was literally like putting on an executioner's hooding like going into Oakland and just swinging a big ax. The last black man in San Francisco is about the one guy that escaped her Yeah, I mean she was standing on like a fucking building in Oakland with a sniper rifle So she's like Schindler's List so smoking a cigarette her whole thing is she hates black people. She hates it. She's like jailed like Have you ever seen that collage that famous somebody took every black person?

Starting point is 00:18:03 She sent to prison for weed. Who made that, like a grandmother making a quilt? It was sad drawings by Jace. Sorry, I make woke art, all right. I'm trying to get non-binary pussy, all right. Somebody took every mug shot from somebody who went, the black guy who went to jail for weed and they turned it into Kamala's face

Starting point is 00:18:23 and I sorta got, it got like a thousand black people. Jesus, really? So many black people that the pictures can form her face if you organize them correctly. That many black people. Some of them at Valapisha? Yeah, no literally, she was like, she sent 10,000 black people to jail for weed and then became the vice president

Starting point is 00:18:41 and now she literally just snorts Vicodin. She crushes up Vicodin and snorts it. Yeah. I mean she sounds awesome to me. And talks about coconuts. So she throws black people in jail and she's addicted to pills. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:52 I mean it sounds badass. Yeah, sounds like every white woman in Arizona. Mm-hmm. So. Sounds like she's living the white dream. You've seen the coconut clip of her, right? Where she said like coconuts don't fall out of the. Yeah, you didn't just fall,

Starting point is 00:19:04 you think you just fell out of a coconut tree She just starts maniacally laughing she goes you you exist within the context of everything around you and that came before you And she turns into like a real serious moment. Yeah, she will be she's talking about like That's how you interpret it yeah You're just fall out of a coconut tree. That's what you know it falls out of a coconut tree is like monkeys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's how you interpret it. Yeah. She says you didn't just fall out of a coconut tree. That's what, you know what falls out of a coconut tree is like monkeys. Also coconuts.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Coconuts. Yeah. I think that's the main analogy. So she's comparing people, but it doesn't make any sense. It's so zany. I don't understand what she's trying to say. I know. She's a dumb black bitch.

Starting point is 00:19:40 Now we're talking. Okay, here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go here. We go. Here we go, baby. Whoo. And I got a lesson. Yeah. You said you went there with your Irish. Yes, some family from Ireland is in town and they've, you know, they love that shit.

Starting point is 00:20:01 Like this, this Irish. He's not blood, but but like I guess a family member You just had the time of his he's having the time of his fucking life. He they They're yeah, they're they're big time, you know Cuz they got I guess they got Arab immigrants and like African immigrants coming in and so they're even they're a little more like Fuck all of this. It's Arizona or Ireland They were from Ireland but they're visiting and they've been here for like a few weeks and. It's Arizona or Ireland? They were from Ireland, but they're visiting and they've been here for like a few weeks

Starting point is 00:20:27 and then we went on this boat trip with them and like this Irish guy was just looking around at all the Trump flags. He's just a fucking, this is the greatest weekend of my life. He fucking loves it. Yeah. Is that lake actually nice or is it like

Starting point is 00:20:39 you're in a big bowl of pee? It's pretty, it's pretty, but it's so trashy. It's like we at one point drove down this one area and it's just every boat is parked and people are just twerking and like getting their dick sucked in like the water and it's just disgusting. And we were just kind of driving by. It felt like it was like we were felt like we were driving through a white ghetto. It was very it's bizarre, but it's fun. And everyone is a fun time. It's great, but it is people's like my favorite TV shows,

Starting point is 00:21:08 Art Man Presents on the HD channel from 2009. You know what sucks about, like I love lakes and trashy lakes, we grew up going to Possum Kingdom. Possum Kingdom Lake. But what sucks is like, people like just sort of bathe and fart in it and shit in it. And then then once every eight years all the fish go belly up and it smells for miles Every single fish dies and then the only thing that's good about lakes is really fishing to me. I love to go fish I love to catch bass stripers. I love the sure I love fishing. I love fishing at night

Starting point is 00:21:40 I love dropping a jack light in the lake and then watching the bugs hit the water and then just crazy fish go. It's the best, right? But the problem is they always blame it on algae when all the fish die. And I don't really, I've never bought that. I've never bought that. I see people take shits in lakes. They piss it, they fuck in it.

Starting point is 00:22:00 They throw engine oil in there and then they're like, yeah, it's just, you know, nothing you can do, it's just the mold that's grown at the bottom of the lake. It's not all the flat brim hat guys who jacked off into the lake because they can't fuck their wife anymore. They jack off into the water.

Starting point is 00:22:16 I jack off into the water because I need black guys to fuck my wife because both of my hips have turned to a little pancake, a squishy gelatin substance, my hip bone. A guy who's a, he's cucked but only because of his disability. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's going to physical therapy so he doesn't get cucked anymore.

Starting point is 00:22:34 He tells us, he whispered, he's like standing behind his wife and he like grabs her while she's doing the dishes. He goes, what if, what if I fingered you tonight? And she lays on a bed while he tries to finger for three minutes and then his carpal tunnel kicks in From all the dough he's been getting at work all day Yeah, that should have been a storyline in Breaking Bad what's once immediately like Hank wakes up in the hospital room And he can't feel his legs and the immediate is a guy to fuck Marie in front of them They're cocks, Marie

Starting point is 00:23:03 They're not cocks. They're cocks, Marie. They're not cocks. They're minerals. You immediately, immediately saw it's fucking Marie in the hospital room. Yeah. I can't feel my legs. He gets the two Mexican twins to Eiffel Tower while the uncle's just dangling the bell.

Starting point is 00:23:22 I want to shoot a sketch now where a guy, like you go, a guy and his wife are driving and then like the Car flips and he comes to and the cars laying across his legs and he's paralyzed. He's like, ah, someone's gonna fuck my wife Who's gonna take care of my baby? It's a guy He's you got run over by the subway, but the subways holding him together He got kind of half so if they back it up, he'll come fall apart. And he grabs him, he goes,

Starting point is 00:23:49 don't, he goes, call my wife. I wanna watch her get fucked one last time before you move the subway back and I fall to pieces. Dude, I watched Signs. I rewatched Signs this week. Great movie. With Clay came over. Fantastic film. It is. Devin always argued that it didn't really hold up and I did watch it

Starting point is 00:24:07 It's it's gay as shit at the end with the wife When we finally see the wife and she's pinned against the car and they're like if we back the car up She'll fall in half is what I'm telling you So she only guys like 30 seconds to live you gotta go over there You gotta say your yeah, and Mel Mel gets the watch over he goes you should have blown me Blow me after the jacuzzi he walks over there and you gotta say your bad. And Mel Gibson walks over and goes, you should have blown me! Blown me after the jacuzzi! He walks over there and unzips his pants. You're saying her top half is fine

Starting point is 00:24:33 so she can still suck me off? She can still, if I can come down her throat, right, and it'll just fall out of her belly. But he just does the Mel Gibson tapes at her. They're fakers, baby! Those aliens are fakers! Hope you get raped by a pack of aliens! She has this moment where she looks at him,

Starting point is 00:24:51 she goes, I love you, and tell the little boy to be brave, and tell the little girl, blah, blah, blah, and she goes, and tell, walking Phoenix's character, tell him to swing away. Swing away. Ah. Ah. It makes no sense.

Starting point is 00:25:08 No, I mean there's. It makes fucking no sense. And it cuts back to him with the alien. He goes, swing away. Swing away, Meryl. Swing away. It stinks. There's an even worse scene, and I kind of love it.

Starting point is 00:25:18 I kind of love how much it sucks ass. There's a worse scene where Joaquin Phoenix, I think he's called Merylrill goes to sign up for the army. He's at the army sign up place. And then it randomly leaves like the army guys like, aren't you Merrill whatever Gibson, weren't you the greatest home run hitter we've ever had at our high school.

Starting point is 00:25:36 And then it cuts to Michael show Walter randomly in a leather jacket. He's in the movie going like, well the thing they don't tell you about Merrill is he also led the league in strikeouts. But that's just Mero swinging away. And Wagon Veeves is like, shut up. Shut the fuck up man.

Starting point is 00:25:55 And then the Army General goes, why aren't you in the big leagues just getting all the tail, making millions of dollars? What are you doing here in our whole punk town? He does say that, he goes, why are you here? You should be in the big leagues in a nice car getting your dick set on boy You should be doing coke on a speedboat You should be dying at the age of 20. Yeah doing coke and yeah, Michael Schor was just like, you know

Starting point is 00:26:15 Sometimes you have the greatest day of your life in the worst. That's old Merrill If only there was an alien that would give that I would all come together in the end and give his life purpose Don't the aliens in that movie look like shit like wasn't that a big complaint? I remember like when you see them for a second almost like you're like I could see the zipper on that On that guy kind of a little bit. Yeah, they do look like just a Kenyan guy with like burns on him Yeah, it kind of doesn't just look like yeah, it look like marathon runners. Looks like you guys really good at folding towels Yeah, it is a good. Yeah, they're running away from Usain Bolt, the entire movie.

Starting point is 00:26:49 It is the great as a couple grab me. It does have the like on the late children, Vamanos, Vamanos, like when you're staring at the TV, that still holds up, right? No, no, no. The movie is great. It's just a cup. But that's the thing about him, even with Unbreakable at the end, it's like just remove the last freeze frame and it's a perfect movie. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:05 I also do love that ultimately the movie's about like the guy sees aliens and he's like, well that reaffirms my faith in Jesus Christ, the Catholic God. Oh yeah, so what's funny at the end of the movie, Devon, how do I remember this? I don't remember the movie really. So after the movie, like he, you know,

Starting point is 00:27:19 Wacky Phoenix beats the shit out of the alien with a bat because he like believes in himself again as a baseball player. He hits the cups of water that the autistic daughter leaves everywhere, gets them all wet. Aliens are allergic to water. Oh, OK. So they are black. He goes, swing away, Meryl.

Starting point is 00:27:34 They're red bone. Meryl, their bones are heavy. I'm sorry. At the end, the last scene we see in Signs is the, so his boy has asthma, right? So the alien can't put poison in the boy's lungs. He sprays poison at the boy, but the boy was having an asthma attack. Mel kept, he's holding him, he goes, his lungs were closed. His lungs were closed, it didn't get in his lungs. His lungs were closed, his lungs were closed or whatever. And then the boy opens his eyes, he's like,

Starting point is 00:28:10 dad, he's like, dad, I'm at five or whatever. And it's like, okay, this isn't the best scene. And then it just cuts to him. Years in the future. Years in the future and he just comes out of the bathroom and he's wearing out of the bathroom he's wearing his Catholic priest outfit and like looking in the mirror and like squaring his little like white. Oh so he became a pedophile? I actually laughed really hard when I saw it.

Starting point is 00:28:37 No I mean it's a literary guy being like well aliens tried to kill my son so Jesus Christ is my warden savior. And I'm allowed to fuck children now. And now I'm allowed. By the grace of God. By the grace of God I can get really drunk off wine and fuck a kid. And I go, I go suck you in my dick and I go, his lungs were closed the whole time.

Starting point is 00:28:56 Yeah, it's very, it's very stupid but I do kind of love it. No, it's still this, I love him by Shyamalan, he kicks ass. Yeah. I love him. Does he? He had three very good movies. He had three good movies. Sixth Sense is great, Unbreakable's great. I feel like every year though, he has a movie

Starting point is 00:29:10 and it's just like, what happened here? No, he hasn't made a good movie in like 25 years. Well, how does that happen? Why? What is with him? I don't know. Like a lot of authors only have like four good books in them, like at best, right?

Starting point is 00:29:24 So like maybe he's like I Know maybe he should have just opened up like I don't know some fucking like coffee shop or something after he made all the money Is that what he should have done? Why? Why is Indian? I'm not saying yeah, okay. Yeah, you should open up a bunch of 7-elevens and You know this then the next movie is just him serving slushies to people. Yeah. Butter chicken iceys. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Very good. Right out of the, right out of the. Very good. Very good. Very good. Yeah, I think he just started sucking his own dick a little too much. At a certain point, you do start erasing everything good

Starting point is 00:30:02 you've ever made. Mm-hmm. At a certain point point you actually do Yeah, that does seem to be the case with everybody. Everyone really should die around like 33 Yeah, exactly get to start making stuff young Yeah, they gotta or they got to go away for a long time and then come back later If Jesus wasn't killed at 33 would he have like ruined his whole legacy people be like, yeah He walked on water and he he's a savior and everything.

Starting point is 00:30:25 But he sucks ass now. He's just making radio music. And he keeps repeating himself. Yeah. No, there was that scandal. He was with P. Diddy, and they might have fucked the kid. Yeah. He's just in it for the money now.

Starting point is 00:30:35 He's got a bunch of ads. I think Jesus would have had a whole thing where he disappeared and went to Africa for 15 years. And then been like, oh, I will never say the n-word ever again now like prior And then Jesus comes back and then gets really into talking about trans people for like four special cigarettes Yeah, yeah, it's vaping Yeah, I like that Sermon on the mound he sent a big wooden microphone on his knee. He's jacked

Starting point is 00:31:05 He's absolutely ripped. Yeah, he's like, I knew Punch's pilot. They took his governorship away from him because he didn't kill my ass. He didn't kill me and they canceled him for it. He invites Matt Reif to be one of his disciples. You know what, do you guys remember E-bombs world by the way? Yes, I used to jack off E-bombs world all the time. I've gone back and looked at E-bombs world.

Starting point is 00:31:34 You had to answer trivia questions to get the lady to get fully naked and strip. I would memorize trivia. It was kind of the only study I ever did in my life. But yeah, I knew all the trivia questions to get this lady to show her pussy How did that work was she actually on a webcam? No, no, no, it's like a pre pre-made thing But like yeah each picture she takes a new article of clothing off if you get the trivia questions, right? And then eventually she has her fingers in her pussy and she's like holding her titty and shit Really? Yeah, you can finally jack off. Wow, and then there was another sick fucking game where where it was like a lady in a kitchen

Starting point is 00:32:07 and a bunch of bloodhounds. And you have to move the bloodhounds to get this burglar to come rape her. And it's really cartoonish and insane. Yeah. Yeah, we were mostly playing the kill Osama bin Laden game. I used to do that. On Iban's run.

Starting point is 00:32:24 Love that one. I used to do that. On E-bombs World. It's a good time, love that one. I killed them a bunch. Hank Saddam Hussein, I think they had one. Loved E-bombs World. Why did you bring it up? Are you a moderator on there now? I didn't, first of all, I didn't know they had porn on there because I was just playing the Central Intelligence Agency

Starting point is 00:32:43 sponsored games on there in like 2004 that's all I used it for I used it to put an AK-47 up a Saudis ass pretty much that's literally all I did on there and then sometimes there'd be videos of like a fat guy like eating fudge or something and I'm like nice yeah yeah this is good there's the game where you could put your face over a dancing elf and you go fantastic this is great awesome not me and Devin we were jacking off We were in the streets coming someone sent me a famous video for me bombs world that I had never seen Hold on. Let me see. It's a have you guys seen the one where the guy throws up

Starting point is 00:33:17 He's self man sells dignity to asshole for $1,000. This was a famous video on there apparently no No, I remember this I remember this at all. Oh shit. I got a Guy me he looks like a fan of lemon party this guy. Yeah, I'm glad he's in a big ponytail She's gonna get this to play hold on These guy kind of looks like a medium This looks like two mediums running into each other. Yeah, this guy looks like you got really into religious in 2005 Just my luck I don't know oh it's unplugged over here. Oh my I mean egg on my face Now you're showing you're literally showing ass to the camera

Starting point is 00:34:01 Shit together Wow sad sad Oh shit. Get your shit together. Wow, sad. Sad. Should have it queued up. Emma's downstairs barking at the tar because it's black. I need my podcast to feel insanely professional and corporate.

Starting point is 00:34:13 Blanche. Blanche, how you doing? Good. Question for you. His name is Blanche. For two, count it two. I think Blanche. $100. I'm gonna ask you to drink this Epikac, throw up right here on the sidewalk. Okay, so do you know what an Epikac is?

Starting point is 00:34:26 I-P-E-C-A-C. Is it to get people to get, if they drink too much, do they vomit up all the booze? I think so, yeah. Yeah, it's what they give people when they've been poisoned or something like that. You said it better than I did. I was just gonna say it's like juice

Starting point is 00:34:40 that makes you throw up. Well, that's regular juice for you. It's... Because you drink too much of it. It's like juice that makes you throw up. Well, that's regular juice for you Because you drink too much of it. It's basically like It's like it's like an enema for your mouth. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah No, literally, it's like like it's fucking how you give dogs hydrogen peroxide when they eat chocolate Yeah, if like a kid, you know eats like rattlesnake venom or whatever you give them epic act I should keep this I should keep this behind glass

Starting point is 00:35:06 when I order too much Door Dash. And just have it ready. Have an Epikap after I eat three Domino's pizzas. Yeah, but then you throw it up and then eat it again like a dog. And the money is yours, it's just that simple. You guys could have gotten the money yourselves. $200.

Starting point is 00:35:21 What's Epikac? Epikac, it's just a drink. So I'm gonna fast forward. Why does he talk like the warden from Cool Hand Luke Luke dude? I don't know. Did you hear that? Yeah It makes the video so much better. It's like what's it but we got a problem here Okay, so he's coming up he drinks it and he's like nothing's happening Can I at least just no no no no no, it's uh, I don't give you $100 for salivating I give you 500 for throwing up on the sidewalk here.

Starting point is 00:35:48 Just throw up. It's hard. Let me know so I can get away from you, all right? Yeah. Take my arm off you. I don't. There's something nostalgic about the quality of the video, too.

Starting point is 00:35:56 I do love this. Holy. It's nice to know everyone involved in. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, this is disgusting. That is the most disgust. Oh god. Wow. You all right? Oh, this is disgusting. That is the most disgust, oh God.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Wow. You all right? Forget it. You all right? Forget it? Oh my God. Fuck. What the?

Starting point is 00:36:17 I think this guy really thought he wasn't going to throw up by drinking an entire bottle. I know, I know. My 2005 glasses. He goes, this makes no sense. I have Epiket every night with dinner. My shoes. Somebody's paying me for shoes.

Starting point is 00:36:31 God. Oh man, this guy is just in a puddle of his own vomit. Dude, it's so big. Is this gonna become an Olympic event for you? Are you all right? Dude, the puddle's like eight feet by four feet. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I tell you what, no, no, no, come here, come here.

Starting point is 00:36:44 Oh shit, he's like flailing. Do you want your money? Do you want your money? Okay? Okay. Come here. Come here That it did what he told him it would do Okay, so basically he just keeps throwing up right and then he offers him another 500 to eat it To eat the throw up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go. Oh. Wait, wait, here, here, here. Right here. Wait, here we go.

Starting point is 00:37:09 All you need is $1,000, couldn't you? $1,000, sit down. $1,000 right here. He's so pissed off. All you need to do is lick it up. He can't do it. Oh. All these people waiting on the bus are watching him too, which is really funny.

Starting point is 00:37:26 Just look it up. Oh, you're throwing up. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Everybody looks like they're walking into a game cook show. And you can choose the puddle. A thousand dollars to lick it up. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:37:39 It's funny how he's being unlikable while being tortured so much. Dude, the guy makes the video. Come on, man. It's a half hour show. Fuck it. Jesus Christ. Oh no. Oh!

Starting point is 00:37:54 Oh my God! Oh my God. Oh, you sick fuck, fuck you! Everybody's got their price. Ben, this is, yeah, this really sucks. Wow. Oh yeah, it's awesome. That sucks ass.

Starting point is 00:38:09 And the host of it looks like the Coney 2012 guy that like lost his mind as they're jacking off in the streets of San Diego. Oh man. That video really did it for me the other day. Wow, yeah, that really sucks ass, man. That did it for you the other day? Oh yeah, well when I do these livestreams,

Starting point is 00:38:23 they send me all sorts of fucked up stuff. And that one really, really got me. They've been horrifying me on those live streams. Oh, I can imagine. Sometimes I click in just to see the hearts of darkness that's going on in there. Dude, I found a I fully expect to click on a live stream and you're shaving yourself with a knife. I clicked on it the other day. You were just in the bathroom a whole bunch.

Starting point is 00:38:42 Fuck you. Just shitting out your butter chicken or whatever's up with you. I And I since I'm off my game, you know, uh-huh I This is why people like sober and then shoots his old dose and dies. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I Spent like half of the live stream taking a shit Yeah, he's Philip eat more Hoffman I Did it to our live stream I spent like 40 minutes in the bathroom taking

Starting point is 00:39:17 When I came back they were all still watching so I just kept going yeah good I Had to shit like three times during it and then I come back. I'm like look at these fat I'm too fat to do a live stream. You're doing like the fucking dumb and dumb or shitting in the toilet Well, I'm not that fat. I'm losing the way but like, you know, I'm just taking shits. Anyway Oh someone I love the fucking leads these people sent me someone sent me a You guys know there's a doll conventions What are those these people drive around the United States and they go to like holiday in lobby things where you know There's whole tables of dolls and I do walk and they pretend they have a baby

Starting point is 00:39:59 Mm-hmm, and they walk around they buy babies that are in their family and they they have babies They go cool like grown 40 year old women who just they look like. Who have just barren like their wombs are just finished. Like they lost a kid at 27, it broke him and they're just like gone insane. That's what I'm assuming. That's what you hope. You hope that their kid got hit by the bus

Starting point is 00:40:22 in front of them. They go bye sweetie have a good day at school, and bam. You go, well of course you're retarded and at a holiday inn in fucking San Diego. Because it makes sense. If their child was Meet Joe Blacked in front of them, then it makes sense. Right.

Starting point is 00:40:40 Then it makes sense. But there's some women who are just there, who are just hanging out. You get the feeling that they're just there. There's some women there's someone who are like well You know, I I was a horse person and then I fucked a horse It almost killed me. So then I got into the baby doll thing. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man It's people that got molested by the worst person you've ever met. Yeah. Yeah Like they got molested in exactly the right like a weird what they were like falling out of a barn

Starting point is 00:41:06 Yeah, got molested and then woke up and saw a baby doll. They got molested by one of those rare bad people that molests But well you haven't seen a I don't know I know I haven't seen this I have empathy for Pedophiles, I think a lot of time. What's like a wrongfully accused thing. Whoa Cuz like and it's like it might not every sex offender is like like a bad guy or a pedophile It's just like wrong place wrong time great hill to die on Okay, so where we going with this? Well, I'm just saying like have you seen the documentary pervert park about all the pedophiles that live in that trail a mobile home And north of I you feel bad for some of the pedophiles that live in that a trail a mobile home and north of I you feel bad for some

Starting point is 00:41:45 Of the pedophiles some of them are like, you know The ones that like don't act on it or they did Well, some of them are like they don't think there's anything wrong with what they did They think it's like bullshit like they got Lined up and shot Yeah, no, I literally like if you Holocausted pedophiles, I would not give a shit Yeah if you if you show me a bunch of pedophiles in front of a pit getting like blown like their heads blown off one in

Starting point is 00:42:08 A row falling in yeah, whatever some of them It seems like they were just victims of their own horniness and they got caught up in the moment Which it's like, you know bad on them. Yeah for Pedophiles they just got they get a little lost in the sauce. What guys? Yeah, you know me I got got Caught me slipping. What guy is it is trailer trailer home, they're interviewing him, and he goes, well I, well I. Use Ronald Reagan. Well I, I was the president and I raped kids.

Starting point is 00:42:34 Because every woman rejected me and didn't want to go on a date with me. They had no interest in me, and one night I just couldn't take anymore, and I drove across the, I drove to Mexico, and I kidnapped a little girl and it's like, Jesus Christ, it's like, you're so thirsty, you resort to kidnapping a child

Starting point is 00:42:51 because it's the only person you physically can. Here's the thing, I think you're getting tricked by lying pedophiles because, because whores exist. Yeah. If you're not getting pussy, that doesn't mean you have to fuck a girl, these people are liars. Yeah, it's bullshit Yeah, these are manipulator wires. So sometimes it's like they're a sex offender

Starting point is 00:43:09 And they just were like taking a piss outside their son's baseball game because and they were so drunk They didn't realize the game was still going on and they were like kids running around That's not a pedophile. It's just a guy that was got a wrong No, no, because if you if you go on if no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because if you go on, if you go on our sexoffenders.com like website and you find their name, it says like, you know, expose themselves to a minor. They're, as far as the government's concerned, as far as like society is concerned,

Starting point is 00:43:36 they are pedophiles who wanna fuck kids. And they're not just a drunk dad at a baseball game trying to have, sneak some tequila in his snow cone. You are right, sometimes the only thing these guys did was fuck a child and it's no you are right sometimes the only thing these guys did was fuck a child And it's like it let him be I think on the show sometimes we make too many sweeping generalizations about people and we don't hear This is the one moment where we've been inhumane. Yeah, this is truly where we've gone to We've been a little too hard on people in the past and we have I think we need to be a little nicer on the show

Starting point is 00:44:03 And I have empathy and understand it is very funny for a group full of a park full of pedophiles. You go there but the grace of God. Huh? You know, park full of pedophiles. What are your cultus act of kid fuckers? Ben goes, he starts loving because I think we've been too hard on pedophiles. Kind of. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:21 I mean, but like, you know what I mean by that? I explained myself. It took seven minutes to explain myself Just meet a guy that got drunk and took a piss and didn't know it was by a school now He's like a considerate. Yeah, I explained it very it was like you were trying to parallel park and you you tried to throw Your car into the spot you eventually got it there one guy was explaining his court case He was like a 19 year old like blue-haired guy. So he's 19 He's a definite pedophile.

Starting point is 00:44:46 Yeah, he's like a Funko pop blue hair guy though. So he's just you know, okay He's kind of just he just sucks vaguely asexual. Yeah, I mean, it's just any guy that would work at GameStop I think he does have sex. He puts his penis in a lady and just kind of like vibrates shakes back and forth I think if you have a bad personality You should just be called a pedophile. You should be on a Yeah, anyone that sucks the man like you're fucking pedophile I kind of true Billy believe I should be the god of America and if I don't like you you're a pedophile now Yeah, exactly make sense. Well, anyway the guy I feel bad for this guy in the documentary because yeah

Starting point is 00:45:24 Well, you know, he just he went on Craigslist and he was really horny one night and he He he saw an ad that was like a milf that was down to fuck Okay, I mean who I mean if we're talking about like Hansel and Gretel type But this is one of the tale is old his time who's not gonna take that candy and follow it into the yeah Into the trail of hard drives into the woods. You gotta follow it, yeah. So anyway, he's talking back and forth with this person on kick.

Starting point is 00:45:52 You guys know what kick is? Yeah, I know. Is it for pedophiles? K-I-K. It's like a text message. It's kind of like if you're trying to fuck Mexican women, you gotta get on kick a little bit. Oh, okay, were they right?

Starting point is 00:46:02 Like, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, like when you make a funny joke? It is the ja, ja, ja, ja, ja text thing? Like, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, like when you make a funny joke? It is the ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, text thing. Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. If 80% of your family lives in another country and you have to send them $40 so they survive once a month, you have kick. Okay.

Starting point is 00:46:16 Yeah, yeah. Kick and WhatsApp. It's just people transferring skirt steaks to each other. Okay. It's literally for people to send carne asada recipes across the border. That's what it's for. Okay. This guy, so he's messaging, he's like,

Starting point is 00:46:31 oh, I'm gonna fuck this MILF, right? And he's getting ready to go, and they're doing sexy talk back and forth on kick, and it's getting hot, and he's getting photos and stuff. He's like, oh, fuck, this is good. I was really horny late at night, I can't believe. Like, you're horny out of your mind, and it's like 1 photos and stuff. He's like, oh fuck, this is good. You know, I was really horny late at night. I can't believe, like you're horny out of your mind. And it's like 1.30 in the morning and you go on Craigslist

Starting point is 00:46:51 and by like 2.45 you're like, oh my god, I was gonna go to bed but I've got one on the line. I can't believe it. I've had those nights on like Tinder where it's like, literally you haven't caught a fish all day and you're literally reeling the last line in and you get one and you go, oh my god. And you'll do anything.

Starting point is 00:47:06 I'm gonna stay up til 5 a.m. jacking off right now. I'll fucking call out sick from work right now. I don't give a shit. Anyway, like right before he left they go, by the way, I wonder if it's okay, I have a 16 year old daughter who's with me, can she like join in or whatever? And he was like, ah fuck, and he was like fuck and he was like

Starting point is 00:47:25 I was gonna go there and like not in on the sex on the sex because like they had a fantasy and he's like I don't really but he was so fucking horny He just went and so since he consented to it that immediately the sex police arrested Was it a stand like they were lying? It was a sting The whole thing was fake he got there and then they immediately arrested him. Yeah. Well, I mean, so he didn't he never even did anything But now he's a pedophile forever because he is yeah I mean he did he agreed to fuck a mom and no no and her daughter 16 Yeah, think think like a man here think like a man like a man act like a pedophile. You're my favorite Steve Harvey book

Starting point is 00:48:01 That is true well What if what if the guy what if the guy asked, he goes, well, is she stacked? And then the cops are like, yeah. And then they're like, well, you're not a pedophile, actually, because you asked the right questions. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:16 Does she look like a kid? What cup we talking? Does she have to special order jeans? Yeah. Your Honor, she had a tit so big, you knew she was going to get wrecked three years from now. So it's like the only time you could fuck her because she's going to get real fat real quick. So he had to fuck her. The crowds going crazy. It's like order, order. I'll allow it.

Starting point is 00:48:40 The jury's a bunch of like hound dogs. Just go, ooh, ooh, ooh. Being held back. Proceed. But I'm just saying, think like a man here. You go, okay, look, I'm already trying to fuck some weird, crazy pussy outside Tampa at three in the morning on Craigslist. This is weird milk.

Starting point is 00:48:57 She's gonna suck my dick like crazy. It's gonna be like, it's gonna be like World Fair sex. It's gonna be insane, right? She's gonna be, a tramp stamp, the whole thing. She's a little fucked in the head because she has been molested her entire life. So I'm just gonna go in there and I'll be like, no, no, no, and you're gonna finagle it kind of where you're

Starting point is 00:49:15 like, I don't wanna do anything like that, but I'm already here. So. You're saying he's bartering. I think you were like, well, I already got a foot in the door. I go there and the person, I'm like, I'm not doing anything with your daughter. He's buying a car at a dealership. He's like well Tell me what your final dollar amount is

Starting point is 00:49:30 I'm just saying yeah, basically he was gonna go in there and get the clear coat taken off right sure and get this off And he's not doing sticker price, and he was gonna get what he wanted Yeah, but he consented because he was just like on his way like and they did it right. That's how you sting someone It's like they're already you already got him on the line It's like and this and that's what's fucking bullshit because they should be arresting people that are seeking out That kind of shit. Mm-hmm. It shouldn't be like an addendum like when they pass a bill that's right, you know like good and then they Think I have a better version that is I as I know that they've done that with like retarded people where they've like messaged a retarded person as a 15 year old.

Starting point is 00:50:13 It's like yeah, that's like you know, it's literally like putting candy in front of like a bullfrog, you know, like what's going to happen. I didn't know they've done that. So they have like a box with a stick in the woods. Yeah, literally a box with a stick with pussy, candy, and like a Nintendo 64. And they come running and then they throw, take them to jail. You're a sex offender now.

Starting point is 00:50:29 You're retarded and a sex offender. You think it's just kind of, it's unfair. It's kind of bullshit. I think the cops are more pedophiles. They're pretending to tag. He wanted, he just wanted his full meal. And then at the end, it's like when a restaurant, it's like your birthday and they bring out

Starting point is 00:50:42 like a free piece of cake and they sing, but instead it's a kid. And he's like, well, I guess I'll eat it. I don't know. I didn't want it. Please stop singing. But then you get the bill and you're like, that was $8?

Starting point is 00:50:52 I thought that was free. And then they go, freeze, cocksucker. Yeah. The pedophiles are more, I'm sorry, the cops are more pedophilic than the man on Craigslist. Cause they're the ones who conducted the fucking fantasy in the first place. Yeah, the sick twisted Tampa woman who wants to fuck this guy on Craigslist with her 16 year old daughter Yeah, that's what's sick. They're the sick fucks throw them in jail

Starting point is 00:51:18 Yeah, not this little blue-haired Funko pop freak. Let him work at GameStop and jack off to lolly at home That's true. A lot of cops are just pedophiles with guns and a badge But and they're big fat guys do and that is actually true. I'm on to the police. Yeah, there's something up with them I think well, I don't know. I did love Dorner. I Have heard of cases of like I heard one in Alabama where was like it was like a 19 year old Was fucking a 17 year old or whatever. Yeah, that's that's tricky. The parents figured out they called the cops just to scare the kid because they were pissed off. The cops show up and they go, OK, we're taking you

Starting point is 00:51:55 to Joe for being a pedophile. And the parents would go like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. We just want you to scare him. They go, no, because you've called the police and showed us a text message of him sending his dick to a girl two years younger than him. He is now being tried as a pedophile. And the girl testified like, this was completely consensual, I pursued this more than he did, and still he's a sex offender for life. Still, I'm not gonna become Roman J. Esquire for- So here's a weird thing I called bullshit on.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Roman J. Israel Esquire. A weird thing I called bullshit on. Roman J. Israel Esquire. A weird thing I called bullshit on in high school is remember when a senior would be dating a freshman, like an 18 year old dating a 14 year old. Dua. Dua. Those, that's creepy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:39 I always thought that was weird. I didn't know it was illegal, but I was like, that's gay. I remember calling that out as lame and gay. I saw this one. I didn't know how was illegal, but I was like, that's gay. I remember calling that out as like lame and gay. I didn't know how morally wrong it was. Yeah, it's morally wrong, but it is gay. But I saw a tweet. What if we're getting called cucks right now? Oh, you're getting lit up in the comment section.

Starting point is 00:52:57 You're finished. You're finished. You're finished. You're like, you're Bonnie and Clyde at the end of the movie, just getting like fucking riddled full of bullets I'm talking about 18-14 freshman to senior. All right. Yeah, I don't call me gay. You're not gonna call gay You're gonna call the pedophile Just to be clear. Why am I getting called a pedophile?

Starting point is 00:53:14 Because you started this off by saying we've been too hard on pedophiles You turned into better call Saul for kid fuckers I feel bad for some of the pedophiles because it's like like I said They're just drunk at their son's baseball game, their dick is, they're pissing and spin sunflower seeds in the dirt. They're not trying to show their dick to kids. Well then don't call them pedophiles.

Starting point is 00:53:32 Be like wrongfully accused pedophiles. Yeah, yeah. You know? See I'm just trying to save you from these clips that are gonna come out. No, I'm just, I'm saying, I'm saying dirtbags like you. Dirtbags like me?

Starting point is 00:53:42 Dirtbags, can you tell? You guys would dot pile the shit out of me on Twitter if I got accused of exposing myself to a minor Just cuz I fucking relapse that my daughter's like softball game and then I was taking a piss. Yeah behind the dog Yeah, and I'm Larry. It'd be very funny. You go to jail you guys would dog Ben comes in with the chains on. He waddles into the room and then sits down with the orange jumpsuit. I just come in and show you pictures of birds that are, hey look, I have a view.

Starting point is 00:54:17 We have to hold the mic up to the glass because he's not allowed to have it. We have to hold it up to your little shitty cell phone. That would love Pris for us to be like, dude, the slop is great. Yeah, you'd be like, they give you six hots in a cot. This is great. I would James and the giant peach my bitch ass out of there.

Starting point is 00:54:36 What do you mean? How does that work? I would like basically- You'd fuck a bunch of bugs and they'd take you out? No, I basically make like a big, you get like a bunch of popcorn bags and then a big candle and you light it And then you hold on to something in the hot

Starting point is 00:54:48 Remember James at the giant peach when he makes the popcorn bag thing that you know that floats away Yeah, I would do that where I collect popcorn bags duct tape them together Put a big I could get a blowtorch and hold on to the bags and then blow it like that And I wouldn't lift up. There's a black guy named T-Bone somewhere who would turn your brain into jello. Yeah. He'd grab a 45 weight and frisbee it through your head. They're like, we heard the Barbershop Benny episode.

Starting point is 00:55:18 Yeah, yeah. We heard that shit about, yo, can I get a fade? You're drippin' in a basketball. Very funny. The black, literally you'd walk into prison like, well, here I am. Here's the big day. And then like the Aryan brotherhood would turn to the black guys,

Starting point is 00:55:29 to the nation of Islam and be like, this one's for, yeah, let us shank one of the guys for you. Fuck this guy. I heard your podcast, little N word fucking freak. You like shit. I'm a fuck you with this turn. All you do is talk about shit. That's right. What we take is talk about shit. I think, I think. That's right. What we take is we get a bunch of ice packs, we freeze our shit and then rape motherfuckers.

Starting point is 00:55:53 That's what we do. We some real turd hitting motherfuckers. I'm gonna get some real shit freezing mother. Boop. Okay, let's run through it right now. Some real corn, dick ass. I think me going to federal prison for accidentally exposing myself to

Starting point is 00:56:11 a minor. To win an argument on this podcast. Yeah. So if I go first of all, goddamn, both of you, because I think I would do great in prison. Would you? Let's run through it right now.

Starting point is 00:56:23 I'll prove it right. I think we would I think we would visit you four days into prison. You would walk out, sit down, and you would have Aaron's bitch tattooed on your forehead. Your best friend would be like a little squirrel. You would walk the same as you do now though. That's true. They'd accuse you, like, he spoiled goods already. They raped the shit out of him already.

Starting point is 00:56:47 That avocado is bruising lumpy. God damn, he came in pre-raped. The gods raped another one, damn it. Look at that little retard walk. Okay, let's do it right now. You guys are two black guys in jail, right? Okay. And it's my first day in jail

Starting point is 00:57:04 and I'm sitting down at the cafeteria table right so you guys are just eating mind your own business okay and I'm gonna walk up and hey is this this seat taken did you do a podcast. That sounds fucking wack as shit. Podcasts are white as hell. I'm not even hungry. Y'all want my fried okra and my catfish and shit? They have fried okra and catfish.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Well, yeah, it's black. They know their clientele in jail. You think they have special prison? Yeah. I'm like, goddamn, you guys do fish fry in this motherfucking every goddamn day? Nah, I don't touch the damn shit. Oh, my God. But anyway, you guys, you guys want to go dribble later?

Starting point is 00:57:54 You guys want to go back to my cell and dribble? They would hate. They would. They would literally go, they like, I have so much disrespect for you, I don't even want to rate you. No, because I would show respect to me and be like sup brother. And I'd do one of those and I'd nail it and then they'd be like, oh, he's like a cool white boy.

Starting point is 00:58:14 You go, you do that and then you try to snap and you break one of your fingers. Fucking it up. It would be funny if they Joker style killed me where they put a pencil on the table and then. Yeah, they beat you to death with the crayon. It would be funny if they joker-style killed me where they put a pencil on the table They beat you to death with the crayon How would you guys survive in prison? Hmm? I would I'd go up to the biggest blackest

Starting point is 00:58:38 I'd hit him in the fucking face And I I'd sell my bussy for ramen noodles. I'd be dead, dude. I'd immediately start sucking dick and getting fucked in the ass. It'd be a fucking nightmare. No, because I'm like, I got this JJ Reddick thing that you don't even know about, that I could just post up on the court and I'm just swishing between half court

Starting point is 00:58:54 and the three point line. I don't even give a damn where I am. I just fade away, swish. And they'd be like, hmm, they'd be doing this on the side, like, hmm. And people, they'd rack their weights and be like, damn, this white boy can shoot. And then the Aryan Brotherhood would kill you with a cross that night.

Starting point is 00:59:13 They'd stab it through your skull. No, cause I know how to like appease one side. And then I go back and I talk shit about all that. I'm like, you can't believe these guys. I mean, it's like Cro-Magnon, am I right? Wait, who are you talking to about who? Oh, I'm going to the Nazis and talking about the black guys. Because by night, I'd have to do a Bruce Wayne Batman thing.

Starting point is 00:59:33 You're going to the black guys, you're being like, man, Patrice was great, and then you're going to the Aryan, you're going, Camille is the goat. They go, what's up fool? We're actually like, even though we're Nazis, we're like kind of Mexican for some reason. I would have to like be at the lunch table and do a Mrs. Doubtfire thing, but for being a neo Nazi, where I keep getting up. Oh, hello brothers.

Starting point is 00:59:57 Hello my white brethren. And then I come back, I'm shaving my head in the bathroom, going back and sitting down with the Nazis. Mm-hmm My guts they smell crazy in here, huh? Sit down like man. I miss my I miss I Miss libraries. Yeah, huh? Don't you guys miss the library and and history and our culture what happened to it? And then you go over the black guys and you you're like I got roaches in my cell like

Starting point is 01:00:25 crips and bloods Yeah, I come back out of the bathroom with like a microphone like on a cord I'm pacing up and down Yeah, you know you I made uh, I made some some prison hooch You guys want to a drink and then you're holding a water bottle full of your own shit up and down. Yeah, yeah. You go, I made some prison hooch if you guys wanna drink and then you're holding a water bottle full of your own shit. What's unfortunate is there's always this trope where like a Pee-wee Herman type of character enters an unfamiliar situation but then they exalt him

Starting point is 01:00:59 as like the king. Ernest goes to jail. Sure, something like that. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. I've never seen like the corneous, lam white guy in her a situation with a bunch of black people and they're like he's actually cool Shit. Mm-hmm. I've never seen that fucking once. I'm now actually I've literally I've seen it one time and it was it was the YouTube Video where it was like a nerdy white skinny kid who started breakdancing in front of black people and they were like, oh shit They like freaked out. So you have to you have to break dance. Yeah, you have to be good at breakdancing But as soon as he's done breakdancing, they're like you're still gay. Yeah and they were like, oh shit, they like freaked out. So you have to break dance?

Starting point is 01:01:25 Yeah, you have to be good at break dancing. But as soon as he's done break dancing, they're like, you're still gay. Yeah, they're like, no, we are gonna like rob you and take all your life. We're gonna like beat the shit out of you. We are gonna like curb stomp you on a soda machine. I wish, I mean like, you gotta like,

Starting point is 01:01:42 I don't know man, I don't know. I think it's just sort of an impossible situation I think you have to go in expecting the worse and prison. Mm-hmm and Just gonna kind of you know, the chips are gonna fall where they may, you know, yeah, maybe it's just maybe it's a god thing I remember watching it, you know I got really into watching YouTube videos about guys who've been to jail talking about prison and there was one I watched it was white dude Jewel thief and he was like he's like, yeah, you know a lot of guys they you know, they try to they come up with schemes You know going into jail one guy didn't came in he hadn't showered for two months. He's like, I don't want to get raped

Starting point is 01:02:16 I'm not gonna shower for two months. They took him in the shower hose him down then they raped him So, you know, what are you gonna do? Yeah, what are you gonna do? I think I heard Patrice say it talk about that on WTF, right, too, where Patrice talked about how he tried to go to prison, he didn't shower for like a month. No, his buddy. His buddy lost his mind. He wouldn't shower, he was afraid to get raped,

Starting point is 01:02:32 so then they threw piss on him and stuff, and he still wouldn't shower, and then he lost his mind when he got out. Yeah, and he went crazy. Yeah, it's a funny story. They went to jail for running a train on a woman, right? Yeah. Can I be completely honest? She falsely accused him. I still am not for running a train on a woman, right? Yeah, I still can I be completely honestly

Starting point is 01:02:45 I still am not sure what a train is. It's Two guys can I guess what it is? Yeah, go for it Is it where like there's a line of guys outside the bedroom door and they're waiting to fuck a bitch and like as soon as The other guy comes in her like he leaves and then the other guy walks in and keeps fucking that's pretty close Maybe yeah, but they're not outside the door. They're all just like waiting in line That's pretty close. Maybe, yeah. But they're not outside the door. They're all just waiting in line.

Starting point is 01:03:06 What a train really is, it's black people being crazy homophobic and wanting to fuck one chick. It's not in guys fucking one chick, but it isn't gay because they call it a train. So it's not a big gay orgy full of dicks hitting each other. It's a train. That feels gay to me. It is. Like if we all had our cocks out and we were fucking one girl. I'm like we're gay now

Starting point is 01:03:25 No, it's very gay But if you call it a train you can just be like nah that fucking that stupid bitch We all fucked it We didn't all see each other's dicks and then come in front of each other But you're getting the guys pre come from her pussy onto your dick Yeah So you're getting guys come and you're coming in a lady's vagina and then getting that guys come on your dick You're preaching to the racist choir here, but doesn't matter because you're conquering a woman exactly vagina and then getting that guy's come on your dick you're preaching to the racist choir here

Starting point is 01:03:45 But doesn't matter cuz you're conquering a woman exactly. It's not about you being gay It's about her being a piece of shit and fuck her It's about beings like you love pussy so much that you're gonna put up with the with the gay shit. Yeah exactly Oh, I get it. You're so can't the train also just be like they're like one's mouth fucking her and the other guy's fucking her I think it has to be I think I are they afraid of that I talked to a black comic in Brooklyn one time about this and he said it had to be like three or more people To be a train. Okay, because otherwise that's just a double team and so why do you go to jail if like you? Three guys fuck a girl at the same time. She she she got caught

Starting point is 01:04:21 And then another guy found out about it and was like in school like saying like like you know You have to suck my dick or I'll tell people that what you did so then she cried rape Yeah It's a Patrice. What did you go for right? Yeah, no like a Statutory something he was like two years older or something damn. Yeah, yeah Yeah, that sucks. But what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Starting point is 01:04:49 I mean, that's why you don't run trains on broads. Yep. What would you do if you were involved in a train? You would just be in the corner, going like, chugga, chugga, choo choo! They just shoot you in the head. I wouldn't even, like, the mob thing that Devin always jokes about, I wouldn't even get my dick sucked in a room

Starting point is 01:05:07 I like all the cronies are hanging out and stuff. I wouldn't even yeah like like Where you've either reached like rock bottom or the peak of life if you find yourself in a crowded room and somebody's just getting ahead Yeah, you're just someone just getting out on the cat You're either like at you you're either a fucking billionaire or you're in a crack dad That is very true, yeah, it's either yes, it's either silks sheets or a stained shit mattress Yeah, a bunch of people dancing and then just this one guy just like Even when I'm driving and I see like a homeless person like jacking off or naked

Starting point is 01:05:45 I'm even like like I won't even like allow myself to like oh, that's crazy, but yeah privacy Yeah, you go good lord lord Ten and two I've seen homeless guys fuck yeah, which is very yeah No, I've been on the subway in New York And I saw a homeless guy with a huge dick jacking off, and I just went hmm and then I just you know back in my day. I saw a homeless guy fucking a woman out front of the Japanese internment camp museum in Little Tokyo. Nice that's reparations right there. Yeah. Can I ask what races were the people involved? Oh I don't know they

Starting point is 01:06:19 were just covered in soot. They didn't exist anymore they had no identity names their names have blown away in the way there's just two bags of piss fucking each other you go what's it can I help you what's your name they go I don't I don't have a name sweetie I don't I'm on the dark plane of existence that's not real anymore yeah do you guys want to you guys wanna go go get some soup I would actually get some soup I'm kind of hungry Devin said sure and looked away. I don't think he wants to Said I just think he gets mass your body language when I asked him if he wanted to go get soup I think he gets mad when you start eating. I don't know about the soup thing. Yeah

Starting point is 01:07:02 Suits great. What type of soup we talking me Me and Devin, me and Devin had a, me and Devin went out on Wednesday. Me and Devin went to take a French restaurant. We got little soup, we had a bowl. Oh, so that's a delight. No, Devin doesn't remember it because he had nine martinis. That's not true, that's not true.

Starting point is 01:07:16 I watched you eat the whole fucking kitchen. And Devin looked at me like this, he picked up his martini and he goes, you know I really need to stop. And Wednesday at like 6 p.m. You're forcing me to drink. I kept encouraging Devin, because I want to vicariously live through him. I love that you get fucked up around me all the time.

Starting point is 01:07:35 It makes me really happy. It's the only way I could be around you. Devin's never gonna stop though. I mean I'll take a little break. I think I finally decided three years, I hit three years in September, and then I'll start drinking again. You back?

Starting point is 01:07:53 September you're back? I'm thinking I'm back. That's the most exciting news I've ever heard. And then I would love, so September 27th will be three years, I would love September 28th you hear I wrapped my car around a telephone pole. And you have to come identify me in the morgue and I look like a human boomerang.

Starting point is 01:08:10 And I go, he was fun for a week. I don't even know how many. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I don't even know how many years I am. I think you're like six or something. You genuinely don't need to drink again You're just you've fully retarded on your own. Yeah. Yeah. No, I need this shit, you know Although I don't know I got the L. Theanine now and that's making me feel pretty good. No, I'm no you need a beer

Starting point is 01:08:37 You need a beer imagine L. Theanine drunk Calm drunk. Just nice smooth drunk. We want you coming out, we want you sitting at the bar with us, we want you having a good time again. It would be funny, I was such a good drunk, it would be funny if I start again and I just get like mean and vicious out of nowhere. I go, shut up!

Starting point is 01:08:58 Oh, that's gonna be so exciting though. Yeah, that's great. Cause Jace also has like a pill addiction now where he's just crushing up all sorts of things he gets from his doctor. You can just sprinkle that in the tequila soda. Not from my doctor, I'm ordering it illegally online. Is that true?

Starting point is 01:09:11 Ben, please. Some of them, yeah. Some. Calm down. Yeah. I mean, I love pills. What do you order? Why am I not gonna take pills?

Starting point is 01:09:18 Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Who gives a shit? Doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. Well, I'll be speaking Chinese in 10 years anyway. Yeah, that's I'll be speaking Chinese and 10 years anyway Yeah, that's brilliant Devon. Mm-hmm. Fuck you

Starting point is 01:09:36 You know, I should really really stop You know, that's just me. I just I give give give and you take take take, you know, I give people ammo Mm-hmm. I go, yeah, I probably shouldn't have this drink. Devin, by the way, Devin thinks he's so above it all with the alcoholism stuff too, which is very funny, because he thinks he's figuring out a way to drink without doing calories, which is very funny. And I'm like, no, it's gonna catch up to you a little bit.

Starting point is 01:10:00 It's gonna catch up. No, I don't care if my insides are dying, as long as I'm not a fat pig like you. I'll always look better. How dare you. It's gonna catch up. No, I don't care if my insides are dying, as long as I'm not a fat pig like you, I'll always look better. How dare you. It's not about health, it's about appearance. Yeah. That's very true.

Starting point is 01:10:14 People say that... People say I'm the lucky one. And you guys can, you know, I've committed my life to God, you guys are fucking gay and need substances. Sure, that's why you're defending pedophiles. Exactly. I took an oath. Ficking Mr. Pope over here.

Starting point is 01:10:30 But I can't remember what I was gonna say but you guys are gay and I'm not actually and I can't remember why but you're both gay and I can't come up with a reason right now but it's still true. I can usually remember what I'm gonna say. And I drink. Sad.

Starting point is 01:10:46 Well these headphones are really tight on my head. What's funny, you guys go out. Because of the weight. Because I've gained. It is funny, you guys go out and your blood sugar hits the same level together. Just from different reasons. Oh man.

Starting point is 01:11:04 Yeah. Devin, by the way, Devin, here's the thing too. Devin feeds into my stuff and then I feed into his stuff. Devin was like, you should get the, it's a bowl of butter with muscles in it. You dip the French fries in and then you drink the butter after. And it was amazing. And Devin watched me. He was drinking this. My team like this, like, yeah, no, it's to see it on tour. It's actually beautiful.

Starting point is 01:11:24 You guys are like two heroin addicts who found each other. And make each other worse together. We should feed each other like a bride and a groom across the table when they cut the cake for the first time. But I give you a martini and then you give me a piece of cake. It's a fucking perfect combination. You drive. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:41 I sit in the passenger seat. I have a great time. I poison my body so I can listen to your meandering. And you stuff your face, because you're all nervous about your kid and finances. Because you're a moron. That guy ahead of himself made terrible financial decisions. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 01:12:01 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he had that Nissan Aria for what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what?

Starting point is 01:12:09 I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what?

Starting point is 01:12:15 I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what?

Starting point is 01:12:22 I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? I'll kill myself. I was like, what? First year of the pod Ben's like it will write it off. Everything's the right up And then the IRS is like you're not an s-corp I was like well, I'll kill myself I suppose Yeah, I know it is all funny. We spent one year making six figures for the first time ever and we all turned into like Wesley Snipes all the sudden. We're all like well, I'm ruined We got everything in order now we got an accountant we're doing it right. Yeah. No, you guys are going to be good. You got a guy we know back home doing the yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, everything's good. Everything's good. It's just it's it's just expensive in L.A. on one income. Sure. Sure. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:56 And I didn't realize health insurance was going to be like like two grand out of pocket for my family. Yeah. That's that. That's really actually been the. And you're paying for a lot of legal fees because you're facing pedophilia charges. So you're really up shit creek, folks. Is that why you're getting fat so you play into the pedophile character more? You know what it is, is like,

Starting point is 01:13:15 well now I'm paying for good health insurance, I might as well use it. That is true. You know what I mean? It's like I have an NRA card, I have like a gun permit, I might as well carry it around with me. You're like 30 years ahead of yourself,

Starting point is 01:13:26 you're like just put a stint in. Just for safety, just put it in. Preemptively, just throw a stint in there. Oh God. I'm doing great though, and I love everybody and I'm very happy, and these are all things you say when you love everybody, you're really happy. You say those things out loud as you're squinting

Starting point is 01:13:46 and breathing. Then scream a retard voice at a city worker today. That's so funny, you lost your mind on a guy. I flipped that, yeah. What's funny is I was actually kind of calm and I was just doing retard voice at him, which felt really good. I don't think I've ever seen you confrontational like that.

Starting point is 01:14:04 I've seen it a couple times. Yeah? Unfortunately, it's part of me. Vint does very well confrontationally, yeah. So when he goes in really calm and collected, yeah. When me and Jace were in Washington, D.C., we had to stay at a different hotel and we showed up and the security guard goes,

Starting point is 01:14:18 sorry, the guy behind the counter, he smokes crack and he's gone. We literally would know we could find him. Did DC suck so much? We had two different hotel quirks on fucking crack cocaine while we were there. The Beacon Hotel in I don't know what punk shit area we were in at DC, that place, I hope everyone there dies.

Starting point is 01:14:38 Our valet left, I said I needed the car keys because we were driving to the club. I went to the front and I go, can go can I get my car keys and she goes Yeah, and I just I walked into the valley and I just took my car keys never got a phone call about my car missing Or anything they just assumed I'm sure that guy came back after getting his dick sucked in a whorehouse By one with no teeth and he goes. Oh somebody stole it. That's what I would do by the way I would suck cracking at my dick sucked. Yeah, to fucking, I used to fucking drink in the bathroom at work at the dog food store. I go fucking drink behind the dumpster. I go get a seven

Starting point is 01:15:13 fifty, put it in my ass pocket, walk around, talk to old ladies about cat food and what's best for their like cat's liver if they have like a like fucking like diabetes and stuff. And then I go in the back and just start drinking whiskey. Yeah don't give a shit. Sorry, we were getting to a point though where you, we were trying to check in on the hotel. Oh yeah, and then I called Hotel Tonight and I just, I ripped into them. He did, he did really. Nice, good.

Starting point is 01:15:33 Tore that lady a new one. Yeah, so I have, unfortunately I can be a little mean when it comes to, because the Hotel Tonight wasn't, they go well, because no one could check into the hotel and hotel tonight goes well We can't we don't know if we can give you a refund though, and I'm like why they go well That's not our it's our policy to not give refunds I go so if I booked a hotel room and at the hotel and it burned to the ground Because a guy behind the counter smoked a bunch of crack like a fucking crack head and then it burned down

Starting point is 01:16:06 We were the foyer there was like nine people he goes if a fucking crack head smoked crap And it burned the place down And I'm just saying this next to the security guard who's like I can't find anybody that works at the hotel and he's just like Who was who was a guy was very hard and old and a walkie. He was nice. I'm nice to him I'm not a dickhead to him. It's not his fault. He's hired security for the hotel room. I don't know what he's guarding.

Starting point is 01:16:29 Oh, and the Hotel Tonight guy was clearly lying to you, by the way. He was doing that like, okay sir, well I'll get right on that and I'll give you a call right away. Like just clearly trying to hang up and never, which he did. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:39 And I had to call again the next day and I had to. So I do have a, I have a bit of a spine. I do have a bit of a spine. I can be a bit of an issue for people. Not a terrible thing from time to time. But I think you have to have a little mean streak in you. You have to have the beast within you that you've put on a leash, a freak on a leash if you will. Then you can rise to the highest occasion

Starting point is 01:17:02 and become the hero. Screw you hotels tonight Capitalists pig up yours Jordan Peterson does this whole like Jim Gaffigan routine now, by the way Have you guys seen this when he goes on podcasts? He dude he has this thing where he's like he's well, when you ask people if they believe in God, they go, well, why would you believe in God? That's so stupid to believe in God.

Starting point is 01:17:30 Well, it's like, okay, then have it your way, asshole. He does this Jim Gaffigan thing where he does a voice for people constantly. Have you seen it? I have, I have seen it too. I'll play it for you guys real quick so you can see what I'm talking about, so you know I'm not crazy.

Starting point is 01:17:44 He does a thing where he goes goes he's constantly arguing with a voice He does the thing a lot of people do on the internet where he's inventing a person in his head that he's fighting with He's so retarded. He's the only guy who gets defeated by his own straw man Like he'll be doing he's like, oh, that's a good so you're trying only 0.002 percent of the population's trans It's kind of a smoke screen for actually politics. You're like, is he getting beat right now? Yeah. He's owning himself. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:10 Hold on. Right here, here it is. Oh, hold on, let me plug it in again. Yeah. He's literally, yeah, he's wearing like a picture of, Jesus. His suit is pictures, I think, of every overdose that he's gone through in his life. His suit is, it looks like a Motel Jesus. His suit is pictures I think of every overdose that he's got in his life.

Starting point is 01:18:31 It looks like a motel 6 bedspread. And you think well there's no such thing as hell. It's like have it your way buddy. Can't you just you know call the poor victims what they want. It's a byproduct of neural activity. It's why why isn't your solar plexus conscious then? You can't have a wood-burning fireplace. It's like, so these bloody nature worshipers, oh my, everything's coming to an end. We have to act like there's an emergency. We have to lock everything down. We have to take everything from everyone. Why?

Starting point is 01:18:59 So I can be seen to be the savior of the planet. You have to use pronouns. It's like, fuck you. Seriously. You think, oh, there's no such thing as hell. It's like, how did you win? I could literally see him like, Cape Fear doing like dips with piles of the Bible

Starting point is 01:19:15 with like Greta Thunberg tattooed all over his body in prison ink. He stole the Jim Gaffigan act out there. He was spinning. And he goes, but I like eating chocolate cake. Oh, but all the trans people should be killed. That's crazy. He's actually, he's stuck in a hell loop

Starting point is 01:19:35 because of all the barbiturates that he took, or benzo, I'm sorry, but benzo diazepine that he took, the benzos. It fucked him up so bad that now he's like, he's like in a K-hole in his head where he must be fighting in his head all day with people and then since the media attacked him for years It fucked him up really bad in the head where he just became really bitter and really mean and he's just he's in hell man You can tell he's deeply deeply unhappy now There's what sucks because I think he was a happy fulfilled guy before all this but there's truly

Starting point is 01:20:06 on both sides there's truly people who in 2016 locked themselves in a vault and Just went insane and they're always going to be to 20 the one year ruined their entire life Ruined the next 50 years of their area. There's some people living in 2020. There's some people living in 2016 It's like they're just stuck and they're like a dog chasing its in two years It's a nub of its tail him and Jeff T. Drake are on different sides of like the fallout vault You know holding a gun at a robot, you know losing their fucking mind. Did you see the the T? Drake own I did see that yeah Biden kick flips into the debates sup bitch Did you see it? No, he goes, he did like a weird Twitter tweet

Starting point is 01:20:47 where it was like Joe Biden unicycles into the debate, does one kick flip, lands it perfectly, and then chugs a whole bottle of water and then looks at Trump and goes sup bitch. Yeah. I saw, I saw I saw. Yeah, meanwhile, it's like, what are you like they're doing? Fucking they're just blowing a country off the face of the earth. It's also a weird tweet considering Biden, like the one thing you can

Starting point is 01:21:16 objectively attack him for without opinion is that he's so old. He there's no he can he can he can barely function as I mean, it's retarded in 50 different angles Yeah, I just I don't know where that was coming from with T-drake. I have no idea I still love it. Is he supposed to be able to say sup bitch? I thought bitch was a bad word to them No, no, no, he always says he goes He's like sick of these Mega mega fuck faces. He always says fuck faces

Starting point is 01:21:44 sick of these Republican fuck heads. He loves to say fuck face and fuck head. And he says fuck waffle. Trump was a real fuck waffle at the debate. They love to do that. It's really bad. Oh God, dude. It reminds me of my dad.

Starting point is 01:22:01 I saw. My dad told me once, he goes, I swear to God, if I was a little younger, I'd fucking kill him. Mm-hmm Which yeah, it's so I fucking kill him. Mm-hmm. By the way, it doesn't even make sense Why would you that if you're younger do it now? You're old anyway, he goes well, yeah Evan. It's that that's an excuse. I'm using for my cowardice He's saying he wants to be so spry,

Starting point is 01:22:25 he could somehow like scale the White House, I guess, and then do something. Yeah. By the way, if you just kill Trump, it lionizes him, and then he becomes like a martyr. He'd be like Che Guevara, he'd be on shirts for the rest of the time. He'd be like John F. Kennedy.

Starting point is 01:22:39 Why'd you kill him? It's also funny for like. Makes no sense, if you hate him. Right. Yeah. These old like Gen X early boomer liberals, very specifically, they still get into the rage. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:49 Like they know what they're supposed to think, but they're still like just like rage and want to kill everybody. And like I saw Eddie Vedder today, it was going kind of viral because he was at a Pearl Jam concert. He was talking about that kicker from the fucking chiefs. Oh, that spoke and said like he likes family.

Starting point is 01:23:04 And I was like Nazi. He's like women belong in the kitchen. And Eddie Vedder was giving the speech that was kind of making me laugh because he was just like, he was at his concierge. He goes, you see that chiefs kicker talking about women? Didn't he? He was talking about women.

Starting point is 01:23:15 He looks like a fucking pussy, doesn't he? Up there looking like, he's not like a real man. He's a fucking bitch. And I was like, you're still kind of being like, yeah, fuck women. Women, yeah, a little pussy bitch. he looks like a fucking woman up there being a weak faggot yeah right like that guy wouldn't bludgeon him to death as he eats his 98% cacao dark chocolate has a glass of red wine watching MSNBC you'd be

Starting point is 01:23:38 fucking killed yeah kick your fucking retarded head off yeah I'm so excited they're gonna debate though. It's gonna be fun It's it's very fun to watch 30% of the population just get sucked right back into being retarded and wasting their entire life Yep, immediately you've learned nothing from the past eight years Yeah, we'll see we'll see uh, we'll see if all the bullshit comes back online. I think it will Yeah, but to be continued over on the patreon at patreon.com slash lemon party. Yeah, we're gonna get into the debate We're gonna go eat a bunch of soup Stare at each other

Starting point is 01:24:17 Like elderly couple well, we're gonna we're gonna hit pause immediately start talking shit about every comedian who's ever existed and Then go eat soup. So yeah, I want for strawberry It's just the grease in a bowl I Did a good bit when you guys got here cuz Katie made me a salad I was like, maybe can you go get some lard and Pour it over here. That was a good one. That was a good bit. Where's my Crisco dressing? He made me a salad, I was like, baby, can you go get some lard and pour it on top of here? That was a good one.

Starting point is 01:24:45 That was a good bit, huh? That was a good bit. Where's my Crisco dressing? Crisco. That's what I call house dressing. I only eat food that glistens. You think Italian dressing is just a big subway sandwich, a big hero you put on top?

Starting point is 01:24:59 Honey, this food does not pass the shine test. It's not glimmering. Honey, this doesn't. It doesn't hurt my eyes when I look at it. Honey, this doesn't stain my skin when I picked it up. Try again. I put shit on the floor. I'm like. Like a cat just falls and glass breaks

Starting point is 01:25:20 and shit goes everywhere. For everybody that was wondering, the two New York shows are on the Yellow King tier. If you wanna get those, livestreams every Wednesday shows are on the yellow king tier if you want to get Those live streams every Wednesday Friday on the limit party clips channel go subscribe there and just go watch the clips cuz our guys zero He makes the best clips. He makes the best thumbnails. He's the best guy around and We love you all Commit your life to God unless you're these two heathens right here praise Allah

Starting point is 01:25:42 unless you're these two heathens right here. Praise Allah, he trans. I'm woke and gay. It's true actually. It's actually true. He's actually woke. Yeah, I'm actually woke. He's very gay. It's very unfortunate.

Starting point is 01:25:55 I was trying to tell them how much I liked, I saw the TV glow and I felt like such a faggot. Trying to tell them I thought it was good. You know woke people always saying faggot, making black jokes on a podcast. No, but we're gonna get him a drink again. I don't love Hitler, which is the new, to be cool you have to love Hitler on Twitter. Whatever, you're just a cuck, dude.

Starting point is 01:26:14 Yeah, I'm a cuck, yeah. You're a fucking cuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a cuck. Better to be a cuck than a pedophile. Yeah. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know, is that a cool thing to say, Devin?

Starting point is 01:26:27 You might wanna tread waters carefully here. How so? We don't want the Patriot to plummet. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I don't even know where you're coming from anymore.

Starting point is 01:26:39 Ben's version of- I don't know what's cool anymore, so I'm just like, let's just be careful. Are they cool? Yeah. Is being a pedophile cool? I saw Nick Fuentes say something about it's cool. I don't know what's cool anymore, so I'm just like, let's just be careful. Are they cool? Is being a pedophile cool? I saw Nick Fuentes say something about it's cool. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:26:49 Ben's version of being a cuck is having a black guy eat his sandwich in front of him. No, I was just making a comment how Fuentes says grooming little girls is okay, because then you know they're a virgin by the time you date them. Yeah, I mean, Nick Fuentes should be cast in the pits of hell

Starting point is 01:27:05 along with everybody else. Well, Jace, be careful. Don't talk about gay people like that on this show. We'll get demonetized. Oh boy. He's a gay guy. Yeah, he is. Fuentes is gay.

Starting point is 01:27:14 He's 100% gay. Oh, okay, then I actually think he's brave. I'm sorry, I think he's brave now. His friends, there's a whole documentary about how his friends went in Fuentes' room and they like, he was obsessed with this one friend of his who stopped being friends with him And then he like clearly just wanted to have sex with the guy and then apparently went us took a black light It went all around the guy the couch in his living room because that's where he was lighting the guy sleep before he moved

Starting point is 01:27:36 Out and he was checking it for cum stains So he could so they call him a cum hunter Because he bought a black light to see if the guy had come anywhere in the room so he could see where he was coming. Oh God, he's like Christoph Waltz in Glorious Bastards. He's like, are you hiding come in the basement? You've got a gooner in your basement, don't you? Come, Hunter. He's a fag.

Starting point is 01:27:57 They got him good. They got him good. They got him good. What? Just the legs. All right, patreon.com slash let me party. See got you. I don't get it. What? Just the legs. All right, patreon.com slash lemon party. See you guys. Bye, everybody.

Starting point is 01:28:07 See you guys. Bye. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with in vain I could tell. One night or while the night was long, I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a while young Calmore came in Wild as the West Texas wind

lemonparty - 082: American Herstory X

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