lemonparty - 083: Sittin on the dock of cheddar bay

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

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We're in, we're recording. Now we're in. Did you get us talking about Zendaya's ass? How great she looked in Challengers. How big her wider hips are. Hot damn. That was, she became a woman in that movie. So hot.

And those two bi guys I could have done with that. Those two bi guys, I mean, they were cool, but yeah. That was the first movie where Zendaya, it didn't feel like she's, you know, I don't know, she always just kind of looked like she played. A Thai child. She plays in forts. Yeah.

And like gives herself like fruit roll-up tattoos. She looks like yeah, Mowgli, like a week into civilization. Yeah. But that one, man, she'd be, that was. I go, they put a bob on her, and she's a mean mom, and I want to fuck her now. She became a fucking woman in that. I wanted to tell you guys about, I saved it.

The black dude at the gas station? I didn't know you guys were watching me. Yeah. So I went into the gas station, we just watched Hitman, we're coming back. The guy asked me for money and I go, oh I don't have cash on me. He goes, okay, thank you anyway.

And I just remembered while I was inside that, I was like, oh, I have a 20 in my car I haven't used for months. And every once in a while I just feel like giving a homeless person money. I think they should all be killed and thrown in pits. But, as do I. Of course, as we all do.

We're not woke. But every once in a while I get a wild hair up my ass. And so I went back to the car, I got the 20 out of the glove box, and I went up and I handed to him, and he looks, you saw him, he looks like fucking DMX basically. Yeah, he did.

Yeah. He's missing like a tooth. Missing a tooth. But he was decent looking. Decent looking, good shaped head, long goatee. He was fucking hot. He was hot. I'm actually gonna suck him off.

I go, here's the 20 20 you know what to do, bud Pull him down. Let me see that big dick I hand him the 20 goes you really want to hand me a 20 ago. Yeah, and he goes why and I go Having a good week, you know figure pass it on and he goes he's like you mind He's like you still want to give me this you better know I say cracker a lot Does that bother you and I got no, no, I don't care. And he goes, do you say the N word, except he said the N word?

And I go, yeah, from time to time. Yeah, from time to time. Really? Yeah, I go, yeah, from time to time. He goes, really? I go, yeah, you know, if I'm listening to a song or telling a joke occasionally. Or one of them cuts me off.

Yeah. And he goes, respect. And then he dap, he dap me up. I think that's when you guys were watching me. I walked out the window. I heard him say the N-word and then you guys dap, and I was like, what is going on here? I didn't know you were there

and you hear me calling him the N-word. But he dap me up, he goes, respect. And he goes, he's like, man, you know, when I say cracker, you know who I'm talking about, Ryan he'd dab me up, he goes, respect, and he goes, he goes like, man, you know, he's like, when I say cracker, you know who I'm talking about, right? And I go, yeah, you know, these crackers, you know? And you go, when I say the N-word, you know I mean all of them.

You know I mean you, too. I go, when you hear me say it, the way I put some stank on it, you know what I mean? That's not funny. No, it continues, he goes, what did he say? He goes, did he say he Gets asking me questions. He goes when I go I'm trying to just be a good guy decent guy You saw me say thank you these security guards these police officers always bother me Why is that and I was just kind of flustered I go is this you know, it's probably the black thing

I gotta be honest. Yeah, and he goes you got your goddamn right. I'm ready But by the way, I'm also the guy that, I gotta be honest. And he goes, you got damn right. He goes, by the way, I'm also the guy that was on Rogan that chopped up that guy. I'm on the run. Yeah, he's like, I know about your podcast, man. Wait, there was a black guy that went on Rogan that chopped people up? Yeah, he went on Rogan, he was,

he was one of, when Rogan would have on people that were in the Innocence Project, where they were like wrongfully in prison for 20 years. This guy was in the Guilty Project. This guy got out and he had a Rogan would have on people that were in the innocence project where they were like wrongfully in prison Yeah, this guy was in the guilty process I got out and he had a Rogan interview and his whole story was like you deserve to go to prison he like pissed the whip the shit out of somebody and like a drug deal or something and He told that story. He told that story. Does he sound cool in this story? I mean, you know, he's big big tall black guy, right was this cat Williams Rogan's probably like dude Yeah, man, I love run DMC man, like you know, he's big big tall black guy right was his cat Williams Rogan's probably like dude. Yeah, man

I love run DMC man, like you know, whatever Yeah, man in Boston. We used to beat the shit out of guys like you man great soon Boston But then the guy like like I'm like I think a week after being on Rogan like killed his neighbor and like chopped him Up into little pieces and put him in a suitcase and yeah And he was on literally on the on the show being like, well, this is the problem with like institutional prisons. I think that dude at the gas station just got out of prison. So that was the thing was he kept talking to me.

He wouldn't let me go. And I was kind of almost like, all right, I'm like, you know, I got to go do my racist podcast real quick and make fun of you. And he goes, he's like, he's like, you know, it gets to me, man, the world gets to me. You know, like some people, you know, the women starts driving at him, you know, just like talking their rough. And I was like, okay, I'm listening.

And he goes, some people hit him. I'm out, who knows? Oh, I was kind of like, ooh. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah, he asked me for money. What'd you give him? I gave him two bucks and then he gave me one back.

I was too scared to get out and then sat and literally sat in the car. Not kidding. He sat in the car the entire time. And I go, can you? But I was like, oh, can you actually? Can you just give me a Coke Zero? Yeah, yeah, sure. Like very nonchalantly.

But I totally didn't want to walk. Devin closed the door and just go click. I talked to this guy for five minutes while Ben was inside like eating Cheerios off my like seat. That's so funny, he gave you a dollar back. He gave me a dollar back. He just took my 20. He gave me a dollar back.

He didn't give me a 10. It was weird, he gave me a dollar back and I was like why? And he just like didn't say anything. And then he just, as I'm walking away, kept asking me, he's like, you an actor or something, right? I seen you in something. And I he just, as I'm walking away, kept asking me, he's like, you an actor or something, right? I've seen you in something. And I was like, kind of, not really. I mean, I just.

I walked. Devin led with the black show he was in. Yeah, I said, well, cause I was confused. I'm like, I was in Bust Down, I said the Edward in that show. And he goes, no, I fucking hate that show. He goes, fuck that show. I kinda wanted to say, you haven't seen TV.

Nah, man, I was having a schizophrenic nightmare and you were in it the other day. I was like, cause we were having a good conversation but I wanted to be like, listen man, you've never seen TV. Yeah, no, you were playing, you were a bird in the park and there was a Jewish man feeding you. And then he just started asking me about like, he goes, how much money you think Brad Pitt makes?

And I'm like, hundreds of millions of dollars. And he was like, you think he likes his life? And I was like, I'd imagine so. I mean, he's got those, he's got to deal with Angelina Jolie's little fucking street rats that she brings into the home, but you know? And then that was it. And then he asked me, he goes, Angelina Jolie,

she's trying to adopt me right now. He asked me, he goes, what's the, what are the girls like around here? What are the girls like? And I'm like, oh, I don't know, man. Yeah. I don't know. Now I feel, you know what I did is I gave them enough money to get that eight ball to really commit some assaults. Yeah.

I gave them some rape juice now that I think about it. You always think you're gonna be the one that turns them around. No. The homeless guy. Like when you have that moment where you're really nice to them and they're like decent back, you're like, this is it.

I've kind of always looked at it like feeding ducks or something. I'm like, you know, if it's not me, it's gonna be someone else. I'm just standing here, I might as well feed them. They're always gonna be asking for food and quacking. Yeah, you're throwing bread at them, not money. I will say, I have a gay like white guilt or maybe like a liberal racism and embedded in me where I do

I do treat black homeless people better than the whites. Oh, I'm notice it. Yeah And I've noticed that you sit in the car Devon I called the cops I saw him steal that dollar from you. I suddenly have an inhaler Yeah, Ben treats black homeless people like the shark in jaws he turns into Captain Quent Yeah, he goes those big black yellow eyes But yeah you guys You guys got a fucking you got taken advantage of mm-hmm. I'm a damn I gave it like that's like in New York when I gave that guy that that that kicked that other crackhead out of the bar

I gave him 20 bucks. Oh, yeah There was a crackhead that pinned me up against a bar and the Brooklyn the Bronx or the Brooklyn We're in Brooklyn. We're in Brooklyn. Did you get one? I don't think we were we weren a bar at the Bronx or the Brooklyn? I don't know where in Brooklyn. We were in Brooklyn. Did you give him 20? I don't think we were bar hopping in the Bronx. Going from Tropical Fish Store to Boost Mobile, getting fucked up.

Did you give him the 20 before or after he kicked the other almost guy? He kicked the guy out and then got him arrested and I came outside and I was hammered and I was like, I was like, yeah, I was gonna give him like like a dollar and only had a 20. And I was like, ah, here you go. That would be great if he's like yours now. It's like when you feed a cat, you just own that cat. Now I should have one falls you to Astoria. I should have walked past that black guy outside the convenience store. Just now I'm like, Hey, by the way,

happy anniversary. George Floyd died today. Four years right he goes I saw Joe Biden tweet about it he goes I don't know what either of those people are who is who is this white crack at George Floyd you go up to you go Kevin Garnett what a career he goes he was good at uncut gems but a little actory I'm actually really into cinema. Yeah, he was great. Devin gets in the car, you know, this isn't so funny, because he's such a fucking cuck about this stuff. I did literally nothing weird.

He kept asking me questions. Devin goes, there's so many black guys on the street, like they had diamond, they're full of wisdom. I'm like, what'd the guy say that was so wise, but it's just a black guy. So Devin has to give it up for him. Because a white guy would be like, fuck for now. He was a white guy. He'd be like, you know, fuck that.

Yeah, he wasn't normally like insane. He seemed very like like he was pondering a lost life of his. Yeah, yeah. There is. There's a street poet. And the minute I get in the car, Ben just looks at the window. He goes, I'm sad, but they are. Then's tapping on the glass like a fish tank. Hey, you, your time's up, pal. And then but Devon gets in the car, he acts like Ben's tapping on the glass like a fish tank.

Hey, you, your time's up. And then, but Devon gets in the car. He acts like he just ran into like Aristotle or something. I'm like, why would you call him down? I, I, it's a guy who wants a Lucy. Yeah. Well, he didn't ask for any of those things. He was trying to get his life on track and he just wanted to know how the pussy was in the area. And I can, I can respect that as a fellow sex addict.

So here's what's funny. Devon said, have you seen Bust Down? And he goes, no. And then Devon goes, well, have you seen this fool on Hulu? He kept asking me what he knew me from. I'm like, I don't know. I wanted to be like Lemon Party podcast. I don't fucking know.

That's I actually pay for the Patriot. He goes, I love that shit. I love that shit. He opens up his Instagram. He goes, oh, I'm following John Knot. But he's following me.. Your friends with John Batman? He goes, that Philly show is crazy as hell, boy. He goes, you guys need to stop uploading

those live shows, though. I'm on the Reddit, I'm talking shit. Hey, listen, little word of advice. Next time you're out in Philly, you gotta do Durag and the Deer Team. What is it called? Durag and the Deer Tag. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. By therag and the deer tag. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah. By the way, he, they were cool as shit. We met those guys in the, we met the Wigger one, I wasn't sure if he was the do-rag or the deer tag. No, I met both of them, they were cool as shit. Yeah, they both seemed cool. But the guy, the black guy outside the convenience store, when we were driving off, Devin didn't look,

I stared out the window. Devin looked straight ahead. That was like a safari for Ben. Ben Ben stairs like a retarded kid looking at a disabled person you're a sick man you sat in the car for a like I talked to the guy for like five minutes you didn't come get the coke with me you didn't you were afraid to get out of the car when he's talking to him by the way I could see like my own I was watching him as we drove by sure and I could see the I had no idea you guys were there by by the way. I walked right behind you.

Yeah, I know. I was keeping my. When we pulled up, I didn't know it was you. I thought you were just like another homeless guy talking to him. Well, there's two guys in shirts that are way too big for them. They must be homeless. Yeah, as we were driving by, in the reflection of the glass,

I could see my own eyes staring back into my own. I was like, I'm staring at him as we drive by I can't believe I'm doing this yeah but what is funny is he was doing this thing like he it's funny because it looks like like Michael Jordan at the end of a game sure he's really tired and he like lost like game seven or something he was in the thinking man's pose yeah, he had crazy forehead veins I don't know if you saw that he had like insane veins on this on his temples He could have just been like massaging those back and you know, I noticed yeah, yeah

But it reminded me of I just immediately I thought of my first memory of Well how I got to know black culture was to Space Jam. Okay. That was my introduction. I would not argue that's black culture, but did you think the Monstars were the black people? Yeah. He's like, no, I know black people. There's a tall blue one, a muscular orange one. They hate Bugs Bunny.

That was the first time I knew. I thought Michael Jordan was really cool as a kid, but that was the first time I came You know I came into like knowing yeah, like all that shit, and I was like they love I was like black people love Bill Murray They like they they love golf like I had a whole I had a totally Opposite introduction of what black people are actually like I'm like they go they love the golf mm-hmm they They saw in movies with Bugs Bunny, and they love Bill Murray.

It couldn't have been further from the truth. And you know, my first Jewish person I ever knew was that alien smoking a cigar who was evil. Making them all do the humiliation ritual. And they actually can dunk from half court. Black people can stretch their arms out, like, dumb. Like, go go gadget. Were you saying, Devan, you were about to crack me?

No, it's just very funny how no matter what we do at the podcast we can't get away from being like, yeah, black people, you know, it's just they don't know what they are. I didn't want to bring it up but it's almost, I can't not, I admit it to a black man that I say the N word from time to time. I just mean Ben is just funny with Ben.

Yeah. You know, Ben thinks. Whatever, I gotta be transparent. is just funny with Ben. Yeah, you know Ben Ben whatever I can be transparent. They're gonna catch me with my pants down if I'm not honest on this show That is they're digging up every little dirty detail about my life. They're finding out a lot about you They're finding out a lot of they get there's a guy somewhere in the middle of the country is about a stack of papers on His desk. Mm-hmm. They're your receipts Some guys probably hacked my door dash at this point. Yeah figured out how much I'm spending on I Would rather somebody figure out my porn habits than my door dash orders did same Yeah, I don't I don't want anyone to know they're like 1 a.m. Chicken shawarma

Take me from downtown take 12 miles away. Just I think You know the Take me through your like your darkest hour of door dashing. Yeah, take me through the darkest hours I just and then I'll do mine You know what my darkest one actually now is I finally downloaded an app on my phone that if I Opened door dash or postmates it automatically takes a picture of my face and then shows it to me on my phone. What?

It's, if I open DoorDash or Postmates, this, it triggers this app, it's called OneSec to open, and it immediately takes a picture with my camera. It's like a shame, it's like to shame you? Yes, yes. So you see your face in this moment, and you get a mug shot? I paid for this

Like a squirrel on a trail cam My face like It does work It makes me feel like absolute shit at myself cuz I'll forget it'll be like 1230 and I'll open Postmates And then it's just me like double chin laying down on the couch a cat on my is that what it's designed for? Yeah, it's a shame people into like any app you could set up for any app on your phone I set it up for Postmates and DoorDash It works really well, but it will make you want to put a the rope I'm guessing you just like a like a raccoon on like a

Game footage and like a deer feeder. I can't do that. Literally. I forget I open it I see the flash and then I put my phone away and I close the app I can't even look at it. That's at least I guess it's working. Yeah, it has been working So that's good, but that's probably my darkest Moment, what's what? I don't know. What's yours? I my darkest moment. What's, I don't know what's yours. I did eight wash yesterday with Devin and I ordered the, you know the Big Mac pack.

What is that? Oh, was that like a special combo? I thought you just ordered multiple Big Macs. No, no, that was one order. I clicked one, I clicked, I want one of these. And the nine came. So it was for two people, obviously. Yeah, and it was for three people.

Is it one of those where they like bring like a suitcase, like a cardboard suitcase of burgers? Yes, a McDonald suitcase. It was from all three people. Is it one of those where they bring a suitcase, like a cardboard suitcase of burgers? Yes, a McDonald's suitcase. It's classified as rations. He ate. It's taken by a helicopter, dropped on your home. Here's the beauty of you, you're doing this in public. It's almost like freeing to me in a little bit,

the way you can just do this in front of people. He ate two Big Macs, two 10-piece McNuggets, and two orders of fries and he had two drinks to large drink the whole show and you're right and I couldn't get coke well I mean if you can if you want to call it that I was again I was having the shakes before we were recording because of my if my blood sugar drops like too low then I feel like I can't think that's a good sign that's a good sign what are you a 33 year old man that's a great sign your

blood sugar is too low Jesus everybody has that with blood sugar Yeah, I mean you did have a fucking piece of toast Definitely out of the movie and you shuffled to the bathroom like an old Japanese man And you said your kidneys were hurting from all the coke. You're drinking I had another I had a bag of gummy bears and then a bag of The Reese's thins, which is so funny. I tricked myself because they're called Reese's Thins. I'm thinking Finn. Yeah, you didn't even enjoy the movie,

you just kept thinking about food you wanted to get afterwards. And I kept thinking about peeing. The whole time I was like, Ben is not into this at all. He just wants to. I saw you checking your phone, I thought you were on Door Dash. Yeah, you were on your phone immediately.

Trying to order to theater six. Guy with a pizza just comes in. Is there Ben? Every year you see Afghani guys coming in with Chick-fil-a from Postmates. I miss her. Ben, miss her. Ben, I have your fat fat boy suitcase. Rare, fat, fat, rare, rare have your fat fat boy suitcase. Right here. Fat, fat, right here. Right here. I'm fat and gay. Right here.

Yeah, having the whole row has to hand it down. That whole row of geriatric people, for some reason. Oh, everyone there was old as shit. Everyone there was like 70 fucking years old. Well, it's because Glenn Powell, it probably reminds them of like their grand kid or something. Yeah, something like that. You know?

That lady was hot. That lady was hot. What's the movie called that we watched hit? Top hit man hit man hit man. He purposely like tries have no respect for anything. Mm-hmm We were literally we're watching we were sitting down to the movie and then another glen pal movie trailer came on the screen He goes I fucking hate that actor. Yeah, and we're like he's in he's the lead in the movie We're about to watch we're watching a now a movie heat co-wrote You know, it's funny to as we were walking and you guys are like Glenn Powell co-wrote this movie with Richard Linklater

I go I fucking love Glenn And I don't know who I was thinking of yeah, I don't either I don't either I don't know what you're ever thinking I mean you said you said it you go I don't like Richard Linklater and then we named nine movies of yeah I said I don't like Richard Linklater and then I named four movies that I love of his. Yeah. You've never seen Days of Confused by the Watch. Blows my mind.

Whatever, I don't expect much out of you. I literally, I said, I go, you liked that movie, A Scanner, Darkly, that you told me you watched two weeks ago, and you said I never watched that. I have no idea what you're talking about. You straight up told me you liked that movie. What's it about? I'll tell you if I saw it.

I don't know. You tell me. You saw it two weeks ago. I don't know, man. Ben's been in a real movie all day. I don't know. You tell me you saw it two weeks ago. I don't know, man. Ben's been in a real mood all day. I can sense your mood. I haven't been in any sort of mood. You've been in a mood.

I have my sodiums high and I'm drinking a lot of water. You're in a mood. You're annoyed. You missed out on Jason and I. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. We had a lovely time. And that tore you up. And yeah, you can't get over that.

You go, oh my God, there's 480 items on the menu? Fuck! Dude it was so funny, we were sitting at Cheesecake Factory and I turned to the salads and the minimum salad was 1900 calories. It's insane! It was a salad! We got fish tacos that were less calories than a salad!

The fish tacos were like 1100 and that's the lowest you can find on the menu. Dude the menu has fucking like, there's like prologues. Like there's chapters you told you go the fish tacos look good. I go where are those you go. Oh, they're on the specialties. And I was on the menu that said specialties. I had to flip over three more pages of specialties.

Unbelievable place. Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, I mean, it feels like you're eating like the Roman Coliseum and it's the shittiest, shittiest food of all time. It was good at the moment. I felt sick during the movie. I felt sick. My taco did not feel real. It felt like.

It was a fake tortilla or something. My tortilla, it tasted, it felt like a scab that I peeled off my body and made a taco out of. It felt like they just like, they kinda like cut up some leather seats from a car and put fish in between them. And then we mean that we were we and Devon were talking the whole time. We were sitting maybe nine inches away from two black guys

who looked like they were in the NBA. Yeah, they I think they come on. One of them looked very familiar to me. He did, too. I thought as well. But they didn't speak to each other. They didn't talk. They ate calamari and they were on their phones. And we were essentially Jason. I were they were on their phones the entire time and we were essentially,

Jason and I were like sitting on their lap basically. And having a full, we're just talking about how great Luke is, how much I hate Draymond Green. Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. It was almost like the hostess was like, oh, Lemon Party podcast. I'm gonna sit to you right next to.

Completely empty restaurant. These two D-leaguers. I'm gonna sit. Listen, you next to the only black people we've had in this summer at this seat right here Yeah, or g-league. Yeah, apologies. Maybe that would that guy could have been eating next to us at the gas station Maybe that guy was there. Yeah, he might have been I can't believe you guys went to Cheesecake Factory. You didn't get like Cheesecake. Yeah, like dessert or something. That's what they're like really good at. I don't do dessert. I don't I never eat sweets Yeah, you're right. I get plenty I get plenty of this this turns into this turns into see

But this is the thing then you're like you're like I'm gonna be healthy and then like better than you you have tacos you like You have to send them back in the kitchen. They're like, oh, we'll reupholster these for you right away Why it tastes like absolute shit Jason I was stuck at a mall. Where do you eat? They're all by the, these chains are dying. Yeah, there's either that or PF chains. Yeah, there's no enthusiasm. These chains are over. Like nobody cares.

Really? Yeah, they're just, every time we go to like, you know, BJ's, the pizza place that we went to. Oh, BJ's Brew House? Brew House? That place used to be. It used to be Hoppin'. Like Hoppin', that was like, that place used to be class.

That's where all the cool cats were. It's all, everything's a fuckin' like Chili's now. Dude, that's our Roman empire. It does. It used to be like the bath houses was like Chili's and BJ's beer house. I remember them being fun and you walk in and it feels like the office from Beetlejuice.

Everybody's kind of just morosely drifting around. People used, and I used to, being very smug about this, but people used, I was at Chili's, I remember all the time in Abilene, and I would see people getting down on one knee and proposing to women. I've seen that. At Chili's. I saw, I saw a proposal at Chili's. Like at lunch. Yeah. Will you be my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my bride? Yeah, a guy who who put he puts the ring in the cheesecake and then she eats the cheesecake Chili's murder suicide. I Think I legitimately have a memory of a guy getting down on one knee and his flip-flop falling off his back foot Like an off-duty cop in jean shorts and flip-flops proposing to his 17

Well, and then the waiters have to come over and help him up. Yeah, what after she says yes She it's the only time you propose to a woman, and she has to wait until she's done chewing before she can say yes. She's like, oh my god. Hold on. She goes, hold on. She reaches for it.

Hold on. No, no, I'm not. Let me finish first. Honey, I'm almost done. Let me get this last South West. Those places are finished. I mean, Red Lobster just went out of business. So fully done dead.

They declared bankruptcy. Wait, wait, who did? Red Lobster. Red Lobster. What are fucking this country like hates black? No more Newports and Red Lobster. So like the same year. Sorry man, it's time to become Chinese and just accept it. The Chinese places are gonna just keep killing.

Like what do you mean? Everything's just gonna become like Boba Walmart basically. That's what's gonna be bopping and kicking ass. Boba Walmart? Yeah, eventually there'll be like a Bass Pro Shops for Boba. Like milk tea people? And like Asian people will walk in and like the the only problem is Asians have a hard time making fat enough foods for Americans to eat. No they're getting

pretty good the Koreans are the Koreans have I mean Korean fried chicken food is like total American carnival food like they love corn dogs with cheese in them and and and fried chicken and yeah. Koreans have like fettuccine Alfredo will randomly be on the menu at a Korean restaurant. Koreans can get fat. I guess I was thinking Japanese. Japanese, they're clean.

Yeah, they're clean. No, but the Koreans are devising ways to like, how can we lower the life expectancy of black people even faster? We have to perfect these recipes. Did you notice they got really into wings after the riots? Instead of putting crack out on the street Yeah, be whole documentary about it yeah, yeah now would be funny for red lobster closing

it just turns into the happening for black people they start jumping off of buildings and the happening for black people. They start jumping off of buildings and sticking their heads into lawn mowers. Letting lawn mowers kill them. The happening. The happening. Dude, I went to Red Lobster once and it sucked ass and then mom never took me back

and the commercials looked so kick ass. I remember, I remember being really pissed at mom. She wouldn't let us go back. Dude, I never got a Cheddar Bay biscuit. I never got none of them. I think you can buy, they might still have them in the frozen food section You can still buy a cheddar Bay. I think you can yeah, you know what happened with red lobster was literally they were doing fine it was a

Hedge fund bought red lobster bought all the land that the red lobsters were on and then we stood back to the Restaurants said like a really jacked up rent So all the restaurants ran out of money and that's why they had to go into bankruptcy. Goddamn. You think native. So like Red Lobster got redlined. I mean yeah, literally, yes.

Do you think. Literally there was five guys who looked like Mitt Romney and five guys who looked like Larry Silverstein and they go what if we ruined the lives of black people for another million. This Red Lobster busing crisis is crazy. That's insane. Yeah.

Red lobsters officially, like they're not going to be a place anymore. I don't know if they're not a place, but they did a lot close declare bankruptcy. Yeah. And I think a lot of closing. Yeah. Damn another L for black people. I know. You know, they had to wait to close doors like until after the the riots and everything

like after the pandemic and shit at Red Lobster. Yeah because then they would say like you know the they're racist and stuff if they're like closing during the pandemic. Well Red Lobster had to close because they had the endless shrimp thing and I got you know black people were they were they were calling family members they haven't seen in 30 years man like come on down and They were fucking putting red lobster out of fucking business. It's an everything must go. Yeah type of say it was crazy They're bringing out like shovels like wheelbarrows full of shrimp. Just throwing them out. Yeah, that sucks, man I never got to even really experience that but I guess it's it's better to have never loved than to have loved and lost Right, that is true. Well, actually that's the opposite of it But I guess it's better to have never loved than to have loved and lost, right?

That is true. Well, actually that's the opposite of it. It's better to have loved than have loved and lost. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Yeah, there we go. But I say it's better that I don't know what I'm missing when it comes to lobster. It wasn't anything special. I really like the biscuits more than anything. The place, the place stinks.

Yeah, the lobsters were, yeah, yeah. They were, it's old Nick DePaul joke, but they were beetles and scorpions. You go, you go, you go, it's a red scorpion? Yeah. They were this big. I think I just could've really enjoyed myself in there back in the day.

You know what you would, you would've- Because I got fucked up a couple times and I'd smoke blunts in a bar, like run in the back, and I wish I would've done that a few times in a Red Lobster. Just like, just went behind the big, did they have a big fish tank in there? They do, yeah. I would hide behind the fish tank and smoke weed.

You would use the fish tank as a gravity bong. Pull out a half a liter of coke. Oh, you mean like going, getting high in the middle of the meal so you can keep eating? Yeah, well I just like, I'm used to that a cream barbecue It's just like when in Rome we used to go to cream barbecue and then like like eat a Insane amount of food and then got to our car I'm like, what do we be right back smoke a full blunt and like

Restart our fucking appetite and then come in and just put them out of fucking business Just laying your hand against the grill as you put food down. That's great. You had a plan, you executed it, it was perfect. You guys have a half time basically. Exactly. Intermission. Everyone out there, this is another Devin's tips and tricks. Okay, the Chipotle. If you go to an all-you-can-eat place in the middle of when you're done, say I gotta be right back. Go smoke weed and restart everything and fucking take them down. Take them fucking down. Yeah. With your big red eyes.

Yeah. It's not leaking everywhere. You ever been to a Roscoe's chicken and waffles? Yeah, I have. I went to a Roscoe's chicken. You sound like that homeless guy. Listen, brother. I went with with a bunch of black dudes once in the middle of the meal. They went outside. They smoked the blood. They ate like three more meals

That place I don't know how they function that place isn't good by the way, it's not great Yeah, when I went it was not good. Yeah, I need to get me I need to get me a Native American friend I need to get on a reservation We need to start like making business happen again like we need to be on land where it's tax-free You can do whatever the fuck you want. We got to bring Lobster back. We're gonna do it on Indian reservations. I think this is how we're gonna make it happen. You're gonna invent the first buffet casino where you like pull a slot and then the red lights go off and then a bunch of chicken wings fall out.

Honestly, I almost feel like this is gonna be true. In a couple years, Red Lobster will start making shrimp flavored blunt ramps that you could buy at like A&P. That's at least there's someone in a board room. Yeah, they're thinking about that. Yeah, thinking about it. They're thinking about that. Garlic Alfredo like Swisher Sweets.

There's literally a team at Red Lobster that's like researching how disrespectful can we be to black people? What can we get away with here? You're saying how like Mountain Dew partners with Taco Bell, they do Swisher Sweets partners with Red Lobster. Mountain Dew has no problem pandering

to like fucking extreme sport whites. You know what I mean? Like they know their game, they know their base. Like why not the other side though? I think you're right. I think if we, hear me out, I'm pitching this here. I think we could get some investors. We make one Native American friend,

hear me out, Red Man Lobster. How does that sound? I like that. We take him to all the Indian reservations, or you're not supposed to say Indian, the Native American reservations, the indigenous. No, don't ever say, it's Indian. I do say Indian.

I say Indian. But also I call Indian people. And I go, woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo. I said that until I rewatched Goes of the Flower Moon and I realized they're a despicable white man. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, no, there'll be a you know, a lot of times.

Now I say, now I say engine. Engine. Yeah. Yeah. It's already in the name. Okay. It's gonna be hard getting lobster out to the desert, but, you know, I guess we could just maybe

just replace it with like bugs or something. I mean, what the fuck do they know? We'll just spray paint like big, you know those big crickets? Whatever happened to really, do you guys remember when you were just spray paint like big, you know those big crickets? Whatever happened to really, do you guys remember when you were kids, the really big grasshoppers and the crickets? They're all dead.

We went on the tour, no bomb. Jason and I counted the bugs on the windshield. I remember I told you there's the windshield effect where all the bugs are dead now. So here's what I haven't, I did some research on this. I don't know if it's the grasshoppers were just really big because I was little. Or if the grasshoppers were really that big. Right.

I get it. And it's impossible to know. I can't. I remember grasshoppers that could fly and they looked like monarch butterflies. I remember this in Clarendon, Texas when we lived there. Do you remember that at all? I remember some whoppers. Some real whoppers. I really miss being like a cannery row faggot. Like walking around with a big box of frogs and turtles and stuff Do you were waiting them humor? We used to eat turtles? We used to light ants on fire for like nine hours in a row with a big magnifying glass that kicks Yeah, we do that and big spring on that big driveway. Yeah. Yeah

And you remember we'd stack a bunch of bricks up when we make a big fucking like Goddamnit, what's a big fire called a bonfire we'd make like a bonfire just like yeah nine seven just making a huge bonfire in this driveway in the middle of the Chihuahua desert that is by the way that was even allowed I know encouraged there is a Mandela effect with bugs I know and everything these are different I don't know what's going on I don't know what the fuck is going on I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know, man.

You know, the fucking trail fruit of the loom. It's like, did it have the basket? Did it not? It did have the basket. It didn't have the basket. They've been caught lying about that. Those cocksuckers. Everything like your memory gets hay.

Throw them in a cell like Mandela. What if you start, you start getting fat and you're like, my clothes are shrinking. Like remember when clothes were bigger? It's a fucking cantella fat. Looking for more increasingly weird research papers to justify. You're like, no, there was one study done in Zurich

that says clothes are shrinking. I'm not getting fat. Well, you could be in such crazy denial. You could start having house of leaves moments where you're measuring the size of the room. You're like, the walls are shrinking in this house. you're measuring the size of the room. You're like the walls are shrinking in this house. Yeah. You're measuring the outside and the inside.

You have like lasers and you're filming the room. Yeah. You know what's funny? I got, I bought a six XL T-shirt. I'm wearing it right now just to see what it feels like. It feels pretty good. Six XL. It's good.

It feels pretty good. I didn't know they made that. They made six. They make six XLs. Yeah. You look fucking good in it. Thank you, man Yeah, I feel like cholo'd up but I kind of wanted to get that feeling of being sure small and having a shirt That's way too big for you wearing. Well, yeah, it's just like very drapey is the thing

You look looked up if I stood up and like spread out I kind of look like a human moth like it just that's the thing is when you get a six XL I didn't know this it doesn't go longer It just goes wider. So I have like an insane amount of like t-shirt flap right there. Oh, yeah, it looks like those uh, Those sugar gliders you like a sugar glider. Yeah, but you could just fly you could just jump off of a cliff I literally I put it on I got it in the mail today I put it on I feel like I felt like I just fucked my boyfriend and I'm over At his apartment and I'm just walking around going I'm so happy. I have a boyfriend who fights

Must feel good must be nice. I don't know how you got your mitts on a well I'll be handing me this down to you pretty soon pal It was nine dollars on Amazon a 6xl you feel You feel like they should cost $500 as a punishment. They should charge more, the fatter you people are. I don't know. How many did you get? I just won, I wanted to see what it's like, but I'm gonna order 20 and that's all

I'm gonna wear from now on. I'm gonna wear seven in shorts. That's so funny, it's so big. I know, it's so big. I'm gonna wear seven in shorts, big pulled up black socks and my giant Black-chello t-shirt. This is like when a dude starts buying just cartons of cigarettes. Yeah, fuck it You know what fuck it I'm gonna go to the gym and eat like shit just be huge I mean look at the fuck in my hand.

Like my arm can like disappear in this thing. But it honestly looks very like something like Kanye would sell. It looks very like post-apocalyptic. It does look very like Rick Owens type of thing. Don't know who you guys are talking about. Just a designer, loser guy, right? He makes those clothes where people look like

they're wearing trash bags and shit. They really suck. I don't pay attention to the designer world at all. It wearing trash bags and shit. Yeah, they really suck I don't pay attention to the designer world at all. It's retarded as shit. It's so dumb I like that when the videos pop up. I look at the ladies I literally only know them because rappers mention them like Rick Yeah, I don't know any of those guys yeah, it's pretty gay Oh, it is pretty gay guys are tuned into the underworld of the culture. No, thanks I'll still keep my head above water. Yeah

Right in below coke zero I'm too busy subscribe the YouTube accounts with three subs You guys and you guys enjoy your art? You guys enjoy your art I'm stalking people in the greater Los Angeles area I love that throughout the movie you keep having to hit your vape that has no nicotine But you're like you're eating something with no payoff Yeah, just you just are you addicted to the flavor of it buddy

buddy, I'm No one's behind the wheel anymore The cars just sort of went off the road and it just but there's like a brick on the accelerator and just keeps going. We haven't had a tough one pull yet. You might as well have been one of those guys who gets really into metal balls that you move around in your hand to metal balls. I kind of realized because people were trying to find my address and where I live. Sure. I don't know if you've seen that on the internet. No,

no people are trying to do that. They found it. You know, it's very funny. I tried to do that two years ago to a guy I follow on Instagram. And I drove around in a neighborhood that he lived in in Austin being like, hmm, maybe he's walking around. I just did circles for 20 minutes. I never saw him.

It was Joe Rogan. Yeah. It was this guy who he just sort of, he has an account where he just, he loves like Sonic the Hedgehog and like like all the like Mario characters and stuff and he just he's just really funny. He makes me laugh. He always has scabs on his face and stuff and Big fat guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah He's 20 years old, but he looks like he's 57. I know who you're talking about. I think yeah

I'm a man like 300 followers and I actually just posts, guys like that post where they live. They make videos where like here's my address, here's my phone number and you go okay, I have that now. Here's the time my mom goes to sleep, here's the time I go to sleep. They give you everything. Yeah, I imagine you like finding that guy in your car like slowing down, rolling down the window

and then just like pulling out a gun and blowing his head off his shoulders as the ultimate act of consumption online. You've consumed the man's entire being and I've destroyed it. Now I have to turn him into like the legend of Sleepy Hollow where he's going to haunt this trailer park for the rest of his life. Exactly. I didn't stalk him though. I just like, you know, I was like, I was driving and I was like, Oh, that's the neighborhood he lives in by the airport because that obviously that's where he

Lives and that's not stalking. That's okay What's funny about this guy by the way, and I'm not gonna tell you his name, but what's funny about this guy is He's always in a different He's always in a different house with a different family his parents fucking hate him so much That they pawn him off on different relatives, so he'll live and like he's like i'm in arizona for a month And then they'll leave him at the arcade all day He's like 23 now they just leave him at the arcade from like 8 a.m To 8 p.m

And after work they come and pick him up like because there's no There's no like social services and there's no like daycare for 20 year olds and he's not like that's a problem So we need like a new definition for people Yeah, because he doesn't have like Down syndrome and he doesn't have like autism or Asperger's. It's just there's something in the water. So he can't do anything. But he loves iPad games and shirts with Deadpool on them

and he's smart enough to make TikToks, but he could never give you popcorn at a theater. He couldn't even do that. So it's just, you thank God every day he doesn't flush himself down the toilet. He just, every day he gets up, he puts more plastic in his balls. And that's the only reason he's alive.

It's because of plastics and chemicals in the water and chemtrails and fluoride or whatever the hell is going on. Solar flares, I really don't know. There's some people in trailer parks whose bodies have been put through the equivalent of like standing inside of a hydrant collider and then just atoms of Newtonium

just passing through your body at light speed. No, these people- Just tearing you apart sub-atomically. People that suffer from byproducts of experiments the government is running. Yeah. And that's why they're this way. There's nothing to be,

you can't get any assistance from the government, you can't get anything. Literally, there's a guy in 1987 who hands a big envelope of cash to a guy wearing an FDA hat and then it cuts to this guy exists now. Pretty much. And he can't, his IQ's too low, he can't fight in the war, he can't be in the army, he can't have a job,

you can't get government assistance. So what do you do? You just, you take him to Gaddy's, you go, or Dave and B or Dave and bus he loves Dave and Buster's they leave him there for like seven hours And then they come pick him up. What the fuck are they supposed to do? They have jobs too dumb to be killed Yeah, too dumb to be killed too retarded to die But not retarded enough to die, yeah, yeah, it's just like in that unfortunate And that middle ground people who are poor but still can't get Medicare because they make 40,000 a year but that's the new like middle class of people like that's a growing thing in society where everybody's turning into the

Idiocracy guy where they're really like they can't use keyboards and they can't even believe phones It's just they need a big screen and they do they just swipe this all day. Like they're so dumb they don't watch porn. They're just like, I love, like he just makes videos where he's like, I love Kirby. Kirby's great. I love Kirby and he goes, and he always says, he's like, and my grandpa hates me because I'm bi. He goes, I told my grandpa it was bi awareness day

and then now my grandpa doesn't talk to me anymore because he's a bigot. And he's like, he's sitting there in like a Kirby shirt and then you swipe and the next video's him jumping up and down on his bed like this. But he's not like legally retarded. No, no, no dude, it's just. That's such a problem in this country by the way.

He grew up next to a 5G tower by the Yeah, there's a major problem in this country where a lot of people aren't considered legally like mentally challenged They're just like an IQ point above it so the family is just in hell because they can't get any government assistance or any help because the Great the guy is not and that's technically that's why ultimately we need those suicide booths to get approved So that you can just shove that kid and put a nickel in yeah, just tell him he's in Tron Press the button tell him to go put a quarter in the old machine over there Thinks it's Dave and buster. I guess those guys are you put one of those pods in a day You can play time crisis they go kill yourself in a tube

And a bunch of tokens still come out it's people that if you put a bucket over their head they'd be dead in three hours Yeah, yeah, no one in if you they would be like who turned the lights off Yes, if they're like parakeets you covered there you covered their room with a blanket. They'd be like like guys who are so retired they sleep like that I don't know what you do I guess you could there's got to be some sort of I think maybe every city needs like a big kind of like three like a three square mile terrarium like it's a glass like they walk at home yeah they walkium. Like it's a glass like they walk a dome. They walk far enough that it's just glass. And they're like, hmm.

And they go and they just turn around. They keep walking the other way. Yeah. You need to like close them off somehow. But like you need to put rocks in there and like trees. They curve around like a goldfish. They don't know. And by the time they get back to their original point, they forgot. And they're in the dome. Exactly.

Yeah, because they forget because it's three square miles and every once in a while They start to get a little antsy and you're like, ah shit And then you you there's a big movie theater in the middle town. You played the new Deadpool Wolverine movie When they go they stopped banging on the dome they go I hate that quipy burn victim shithead. I know I hate that so much. Did you see the trailer? I got in Furiosa the other day the trailer where it's like talking to the crowd. Yeah to the crowd is doing like that reddit joke of like you shut your fucking you know your dick shitting fucking mouth you know Like these approved curse words that are like corporately okay.

Yeah, yeah. I don't. I fucking hate Deadpool so god damn much. I can't stop that. I don't care. It's literally, I think it's like the CIA manufacturing dissent for people where they're like, I'm a little edgy, I'm into Deadpool.

And that way they don't get so upset they try to kill Joe Biden, you know. Right, right. Cause they're like, I watched Deadpool, he made fun of Disney, that doesn't make me wanna rip my feeding tube out and try and kill Joe Biden, you know? Right, right. Because they're like, I watched Deadpool. He made fun of Disney. That doesn't make me want to rip my feeding tube out and try and kill a senator. Yeah, it's like cynical like methadone. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, the great way of putting it. Yeah. Isn't it? What's that Punisher Skull movie? What's that? The Punisher. The Punisher.

Isn't it just the Punisher for people with autism? No, not even that, because the Punisher is supposed to be like all dark and twisted. Well, the Deadpool guy, to them, is a dark and twisted guy. He's like, torture, right? They think it's hilarious, because Deadpool will mention that it's a Marvel movie. But if it really was mean and cynical,

Deadpool would be like, yeah, this sucks. Stop watching dipshit. Marvel sucks. It's literally, they're training birds to like their own enclosures. It's literally, they're training birds to like their own enclosures. It's literally Deadpool's a guy pointing at the cage, we're all going in and being like, look at this dang cage, am I right?

Look at this fucking shit on the ground, look at this seed we have to eat. Isn't that crazy? And then you go, oh, he made fun of it, so now I don't wanna like rise up, you know? I don't even get, is he actually a superhero or is it like Batman? Is he made up?

Yeah, was he like? No, he's from the comic books. He's from the comic books? He was the, he was always the fourth wall breaking comic book character in the comic books. And I'm so sick of Ryan Reynolds fucking breathless, tiny voice irony. And his whispering horse shit

and fuck him and his soccer team. And I love Rob McElhenny, but enough with the soccer team. Enough of them hanging out. Fuck Rexam. Don't give a shit. Fuck your fucking Ted Lasso reality show. Yay. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Fuck him, you're Mr. Irony. You own a cell phone company. You're a billionaire who owns a cell phone company. Ryan Reynolds owned Cricket? Yes, no, Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile. Oh, Mint, right, right. My dad has it, just thank God he has it cell phone. Ryan Reynolds own cricket. Yes. No, meant mobile. Meant mobile. He meant meant. Right. Right.

Yeah. Well, my dad has just thank God he has it because he can't get most of my texts or calls. We were sponsored by them at some point. No, maybe a long time ago, but we were lying. We're just making up that we're sponsored. Yeah. No, literally everybody buys one ads except the blow job company. They're killing it with the blow job company. Just killing it with the blowjob company just emailed us. Yeah, they did like record sales. Yeah, they sold like a hundred units.

Just wait till some company like hits us up to sell like, you know, pre cum stain pants. We'll fucking sell the shit out of those like painter's jeans. Where it looks like you've been working on a house all day. There's rips in them. It's like cool Abercrombie and fit shit before cum and I'm coming to you guys I'm like, okay We got the cum sane jeans. Those are good. There's another company They do the water soluble coating on the jeans so the cum slides out the pant leg

Can we do both? That is so funny. We sold the most autobloat that they've ever had a record literally That's a gold watch like we're in it's our only sponsor. Yeah, great sales. Oh, record, literally. That's hilarious. They're sending us a gold watch. It's our only sponsor. Yeah, great salesman. Yeah, they're the only guys left. Last man standing is the blow job machine. Shout out to them.

They liked it so much. They're sending us a better model, by the way. They're sending us a $1,000 blow job machine. Well, it's kind of like when you work at a car dealership and you're so good at selling cars, you're going to sell Cadillacs. Yeah. You're not selling Civics and Camrys anymore here at the used car dealership and you're so good at selling cars like you're gonna sell Cadillacs you're not you're not selling Civics and Camrys anymore here at the used car dealership we're letting you sell the premium we think old Ben

Avery needs more of a challenge than a Toyota Prius you're going high class this is from what I understand it's going to be like the Rolls Royce of blowjob machines like no one's ever seen anything like this in their life yeah this will this will ruin your marriage it'll ruin your life it's great you know you it's like heroin you'll never you'll it'll you'll be changed forever whatever what I read about we should give that homeless guy the blowjob machine down at the 7-eleven I don't know if that guy is homeless for all we know he has like a he's dating like a 450 pound lady who lives behind the

convenience store I count that as homeless if you're fucking a 500 pound woman for a roof. That's homeless that That ain't that ain't homeless man. You don't know homeless. Yeah, you don't know them streets like he do you like he do that's right What is with the guys that work at that liquor store at that at that? I know there's so chill way too nice Yeah, you walk in, they go, hello, welcome to Rocket. Dude, I know the Indians on the street are way too friendly. The Indians in this neighborhood are out of, they're so good. I was buying Zins and I bought three Zins

and the guy goes, how long do these last you? And I go, oh, about, you know, one every two days, so about a week. He goes, haha, fantastic. And I just, I walked out to tell that black guy, About you know one every two days so about a week he goes haha fantastic And I just I walked out you know tell that black guy say the end word It's funny you say that cuz I was at the Indian restaurant like three days ago And the guy who the guy who loves my Ted Danson it's like cheers pretty much when I walk yeah They're like no they slide me like a big pine of butter chicken. Yeah a big glass of curry across the You know let me tell you about the wife driving me crazy.

Yeah, he opened. He had this crazy phone that flips open and it turns into an iPad. It was insane. I've never seen anything like it. The Indians have invented new technology to harass women on social media. They've got like the minority report screen, but just to say sexy girl. What was that? What was that joke on the road we had? What?

The Indian guy, he's like, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, stinky and weird, beautiful, beautiful. Oh. Because they're all racist too. Oh, well it's funny that they're either horny on the internet or they just hate black people. Or super racist, yeah. No, I think it was their keyboard has two buttons. One says, hello gorgeous, the other one says- It says stinky and weird. Stinky and weird. No, they're key. I think it was their keyboard has two buttons one says hello gorgeous the other one

Because what I loved on Twitter when the I love when black people and Indians go to war with each other Oh, it's so good. Yeah, it's tens of thousands of comment Like it was the you know it it smell and they're it's not crazy You know it's not crazy in there and like a black guy said that and under it. It was the most vile Rate it was Indian guys with like swastikas in there at yeah I mean like pictures of fucking Hitler and stuff. Yeah, fuck fuck you you stinky ape Oh, they love all the way down. They love Hitler ice. They love Hitler. Oh, they love him Yeah, I think he's so cool literally. I think the only country supporting Israel besides the US is fucking is India wait they support Israel yeah yeah because I'd be the other way no they because they hate

brown people as well oh interesting yeah yeah they love Jews but they hate brown people oh I didn't know that yeah Yeah yeah. Interesting. That's very strange. So they do have I guess that's not, I mean they're not as bad as Hitler is what you're saying. I mean to me they are. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway the Indian guy who owns the restaurant, his wallpaper on his big phone iPad thing that he whipped out and unfolded like a map to the road to El Dorado. It was crazy. It was a picture of Batman. Really?

And I go, do you like Batman? And when I said that he went, he goes, I love Batman. He goes, I love Batman. I go, he's your favorite superhero. He goes well. He's not a superhero He's the only he sees he's the only only one that is not a superhero Because he is just you know, it's it's very I don't know. It's a it's a gray area That's why I love gray areas

That's why I love it. That's why I love gray areas. With women, with superheroes. Every which way. I love the gray area. Is he a superhero? Is he not? Did she say yes? Did she say no three times then yes? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha gorgeous, gorgeous, stinky, inward, gorgeous, gorgeous. Great Pedro Salinas bit. Pedro has a great joke about a gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Are we stealing his bit? No, no, no.

Oh, fuck. He did it. I remember that bit of Pedro's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to Pedro Salinas. I don't wanna steal anyone's joke. Fuck, I feel bad now. No, no, no, it's fine. We added the stinky inward, we're brilliant.

Yeah, yeah. I remember, I went to Pedro a long time ago, I go, I got a great bag for that joke. God, Pedro's so funny. Yeah, Pedro's great. He's great. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm in New York. And what were you saying? That's racist. Oh, no. I was just saying he probably likes Batman because he's a business owner.

He thinks of himself as a potential Batman. He goes, that's a self-made man. Yeah, he goes goes one day I could own a corporation and beat up you know black people in the street that could be me. It is he's kind of living the Indian dream he's rich as hell. He has uh isn't it Wayne Enterprises? Wayne Enterprises. So what is he he's an inventor is that what Batman is? He's like inventing uh. It depends on what cinematic universe you're in. I remember my parents, they were killed in an alleyway by botulism. By a real joker we call botulism. Crazy giant turds shot them in the face in an alleyway. In India, our turds have become sentient.

I like this answer when I ask him who's his favorite Batman was because well of course everyone says the dark knight Heath Ledger Of course, he's great. No, I get it. I get it. But for me, but for me Michael Keaton Michael Keaton Wow, I was like respect. Yeah, I respect that Michael Keaton brought something kind of the funny Yeah, I keep Michael Keaton's like a like a natural comic Yeah, Michael Keaton's like a like a natural comic And wacky he has that scene where he hits the thing and he goes you want to get nuts let's get nuts Yeah, so good. Can I by the way can real quick sidebar? I don't sure I don't know if we're going anywhere funny with this I just want to say shout out also to George Clooney I don't think I like that Batman movie with Terminator with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Iceman

I mean that movie no more thermal does stink. Yeah, but it's really as Iceman. I mean that movie. And Uma Thurman as Ivy. That movie does stink. Yeah but it's really. But my childhood I watched it a bunch. I know I watched it a bunch too. And the guy Venom with the green going into his head. I think about it all the time. That was Ben. And that was, Uma Thurman was my first,

that was, Ivy was my first experience with like feeling something funny down there. Of her with the vines and the smoke and there's like a koi pond and sure as a little gimp Yeah, she feeds a venom she was probably our first exposure to a woman being sexual for any reason whatsoever And then also then the lady from caddyshack with the tits The glee from caddyshack with the tits alicia silverstone the the mayor's the the guy who owns the country club the His granddaughter who the guy

Those are not the same actresses at all That actress the blonde lady from caddyshack is like 30 years older than Alicia Silverstone who was in the Batman movie No, no, I'm not I'm not I'm saying the two ladies that made me come on. Oh Okay, sorry is the tits from caddyshack. Yeah, you remember those tits I remember specifically us watching Caddyshack in the back of a brown Suburban with the DVD player. I was the oldest and it was my family. It was Ben, my two siblings,

and then all of our little cousins. We were watching Caddyshack and then the titty scene came on and we all just kind of looked at each other and did like a, like in the town when they're like telling that police officer like And then he just turns the other way and then we just all we all looked at tits while our parents were having some stupid Conversation and then I really really loved Uma Thurman is the with the covered in a poison ivy was so nice so good. Love it

So good had the green stuff on her pussy So good, love it. So good. Had the green stuff on her pussy. So good. And then I didn't even know what Kill Bill was until like 2012 and I was like, Uchi Mama, look at this. Oh my God.

Yeah. Look at this thing repackaged for me. This is beautiful. Uchi Mama. Uchi, Uchi Mama. I played that on a DVD in an old MacBook Pro when I was like 19 and I was jumping upon it. Yeah You know that that one scene when she wakes up there's like calm in her mouth, right? Oh

Really? Wait, what's if you look closely that one scene when she's like knocked out or whatever Oh the guy rapes her in the coma there's there's white shit coming out of her mouth And I'm pretty sure the guy came in her mouth. No, I don't think that's what that was I thought it was just the white shit you get when you sleep sometimes. No, it's cum. I've solved it. No, I wrote to Tarantino, it's cum.

I asked him. That'd be great if we get him on the show and your first question. Was there cum in her mouth? And he goes, you know, that's actually, you're the first guy to ask me that. Was that like a Tracy Lord's cum show? Can I say the award on this show?

Can I say it? Yeah. Turning to his assistant, Can I say it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, turning to his assistant, what year is it? Can I, is it a year where I can say it or not? Can I say it? He goes, he goes, Quentin will remind, if you're not, if you're wearing the Kangle cap,

you can say it. If you're not, you can't. Quentin, when you're in Tel Aviv, you can say it. When you're in America, you can't. You know the minute that plane lands in Tel Aviv, he puts that Kangle cap right back on top of his head We say it all the time. We just add sand to the beginning Dead sand inward storage

Yeah, that's good. Very good. Very good. We kick ass that guy got away with highway robbery I was telling speaking of movies we rule we fucking rule dude. I was telling, speaking of movies, we rule. We fucking rule, dude. I was telling Devon in the car that if we ever get them. You're doing this weird Daniel Plainview thing. You're blocking us off right here. He's a benzen of something happened today. You're doing a Machiavellian body psychology thing right now. He's in a mood, and it's interesting.

I don't know if it's negative or positive. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I don't know. This is insane, Splander. You're up to something today. I don't know, man. You were stewing for the whole movie. Stewing, I was digesting.

You were stewing. You were stewing. Hey everybody, inflation is crazy. Or Bidenflation, as I call call it because I'm a rabid Republican who's not woke anymore. So stop wasting money eating takeout and start using HelloFresh. You can make restaurant quality meals at home with HelloFresh's over 45 recipes to choose from every single week.

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Do you think that's actually true? No, I don't think so But Ashley Madison was true and that ruined a lot of relationships, which is hilarious I watch a documentary on Netflix about it You tell me about that a lot of Christian retards that were like with their fucking wife Where the every picture of them looks like it was taken like in that professional You know like we're sending out a Christmas card picture type thing mall Photography place all those couples they got their lives were ruined by Ashley Madison and by it by a guy a dad who wasn't even Fucking he logged into the site just logged in and was texting like a porn bot basically. Yep. Yeah. Yep It was going on. I'd love to love to

Lick your pussy. What was it a hookup site or it was a for affairs It was a and then they leaked every there was a big data leak and it leaked everybody that was on the site So everyone got caught. Yeah, you hate to see it guys. Yeah, they should their whole life shouldn't be ruined Yeah, I mean and it was actually a lot of these women were very these women they were with were very malleable and easily like Influences so they stay it was the women who were like you can blame it on the devil and they're like ah that damn devil Satan ah Satan made me fuck those those 15 year olds. Yeah, fuck is it funny that we make women essentially go to the mechanic

What do you mean? We're like, you need to tune up. Go to the, like, here's $3,000. Go fight, figure something out. They undo their belly button, a bunch of cum comes out. You fill it up with new cum. Well, they're kind of like, they go get their nails done and they get tans and stuff.

That's kind of like taking your car to the car wash. It is. I'm getting it detailed today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, we are like Buicks, car to the car wash. It is. I'm getting a detail today. Meanwhile, we are like Buick's, the Sabres from 1985. We run forever. Everybody loves us. We're always in style. There's parts. Oh, I take my cigarette tray and I dump it on the fucking passenger side for fine. Getting her detailed today.

Why don't you polish out that Shiner? Kinder detail today. Why don't you polish out that Shiner? Yeah, yeah, I say her face is blue not dating an avatar Yeah, women. I do love women some people have said that I do love women. I do love them. Yeah It's funny because you know we met a lot of women out on the road They're the only people they could speak into a mic Yes, that's true. Yeah, and The you know the women I mean they're beautiful they were lovely and then I find out that Some of the women they skip past the parts of the show where we're really taking the task I know that sucks to hear did they say that I've I've seen that. I thought they were kind of sink in a little bit.

I'm like, but you should listen to it a little bit, right? Yeah. Like we do go too far for a comedic thing, but you should still hear it. But I'll never stop learning. And they shouldn't either. We don't, white guys don't skip passports. Literally, I love hearing, I don don't get you say anything about anything

I but I guess the guy the gas station was like I'm like you can call me a crack Over me, yeah, I don't care. Nothing matters to me really I guess women they just have to the only way they can have a relationship with a man is that they love you in Spite of something right so even their favorite media and podcasts they still love you in spite of something. So even their favorite media and podcasts, they still love us in spite of us hating them. Yeah. A little bit, you know? We don't hate them.

I know, I don't. No, I don't hate them. It's just a topic. It's a funny place to go. They were beautiful. They were nice. They had life in their eyes. They were with men that were very lucky.

They were with men that, yeah, they, you know, they Velcro their shoes every morning and they make sure that those Spider-Man lights light right up. When they leave for work, they turn the podcast on the TV so they're not get scared when they're alone. Just the woman with a man with paralyzed legs and. Yeah, a man that she went on one day with,

he got hit by a car on the day, so now she kind of has like this Florence Nightingale thing. But she just is unfortunately a woman that has empathy and falls in love easily and still loves this human prune. It's a beautiful thing, man, when you see two people like that and they're just madly in love and they both are deeply flawed and you can tell that they they're they're lucky to have each other.

It's great. He's a woman with a future ahead of her, but she's in love with a big gulp and goes to the level with a woman with a future in front of her, a man that's going to take that away from her. This man is going to drag her down to the pits of hell. You know, the obvious psychological implications of it all. What is that a woman supposedly, OK, wants to find a man who's a beast, essentially. And then they want to tame that beast.

So the ideal man for a lady is they find someone who's very wild and They learn to domesticate him and keep him controlled, but they want to know he's still powerful and could erupt in these These like flares basically, you know like there's certainly women of that ilk for sure who they're like Yeah, my dad was a psycho. So now I'm going through of that ilk for sure who they're like yeah my dad was a psycho so now I'm going through Finding another psycho to kind of recreate that relationship well I think that but I think that's also what is attractive to women because they want a man who You know could you know if he desired to do something horrible to her I against her consent I think that it's the you know that's the yeah

It's the great risk for the reward and the relationship for them and it gets them off so much more I mean, I've seen a lot of that attraction to violence just at my size I told you I've been on dates with ladies where she was like I bet you could kick that guy's ass and I'm like, yeah, and she's like if you kicked his ass I'd fuck you right now and I was like, oh, okay, and then you know, we went and fucked it her place afterwards You know you right now. And I was like, Oh, okay. And then, you know, we went and fucked at her place afterwards, you know? So, yeah, it, you know, it takes all types, but that certainly is a, is a, is a preconceived thing. You got to make them flinch from time to time. You gotta go like that.

Two for flinching. That means I come a cream pie and I come shot in the face. Before I, uh, before I fuck my, before I fuck my, That means I cum a cream pie and I cum shot in the face. Before I fuck my, before I fuck my. That's sick, we're sick. I fuck my wife like this, this is foreplay for me, I'm like hey. And she looks. He swerves.

Do the finger game. I go got you bitch. And I punch her in the face twice. Bam, bam! Fucking got your ass! You're driving and you go slug bug and then you jump over the column and just like land through her chin and you hurt your fist on the window. I smash her head through the window.

Smash her head through the glass. You go, babe, we were playing slug bug. You should have seen it first then. I get it with a slug bug and it's like that once upon a time in Hollywood at the end when Brad Pitt grabs the head. Bashing the head against the counter. Repeatedly.

Into a mantle. Yeah, yeah. You leave, you come back with a big flame thrower and light her up. The cops like, so it was, you played Slug Bug. Yeah. Okay, well. If you're out in the dating scene long enough, you will see this retarded thing with women. I'm sure guys do it too, where they will specifically tell you about how everybody they've dated

is kind of an asshole and then they'll be really into you and then kind of realize that you're not an asshole and then they'll be really into you and then kind of realize that you're not an asshole And then they completely don't yeah anymore. Yeah, they're like, oh this is like could be like a good relationship and they just like disappear I saw like three or four times. Yeah people were there in love with you But they're kind of like want you to be like an insane loser needy guy and then when you're not that they just just let go. And I know, because I follow these women, and they still just post all day about complaining about some shitty guy that they're dating.

That's what they have. The insanity equals love to them in a weird way. Exactly. The chaos, the emotion of the chaos is love to them. Stability is frightening and terrifying. So you know what's funny from afar when you look at it, it appears like it's someone finding exactly what they're looking for.

And that's what's kind of funny about the situation. So you wanted this and you got it and now you're acting like you didn't and now you're complaining. It's literally, it's you, bitch. You're the one with a pussy and a phone and a car. Why are you doing all this? Why you jump through all these hoops? People don't know what they want, actually,

most of the time. No, I think they unconsciously do. Yeah, people don't know what they want actually most of the time. No, I think they like unconsciously do yeah unconsciously That's what I mean. Like so then they not do I'm saying from afar. You just you know that they're just like You know, yeah, they're like this is they it's like they're getting exactly what they want Yeah, that's basically my whole takeaways is number one. Of of course we hate women fuck women If you're listening I like if you're listening your woman who posts about going on like shitty Boyfriends or have shitty dates go to therapy and stop dating guys who suck It's yeah, it's always your fault. It's literally happening if you've been posting about shitty guys you date for ten years It's your fault for letting them in your foot. Yeah, you literally didn't like turn a corner like oh fuck

I'm dumb this guy came in me 800 times. But to be fair, I will say in defense of women, men will lie their asses off to get pussy. Ben, I'm helping the liars right now. Ben, this is all a sign off to help the liars. No, it was funny watching. It was funny we were watching. That was your Kaiser Soze moment right there. No, it was funny we were watching the movie Hitman so they move right there. No, that was we were watching the movie hitman

I was like I was like for a second. I was like man Can you believe can you imagine lying to someone just to have sex with them and I was like, ah, wait I did that for for seven years Yeah, I just showed up on dates and just assumed whatever personality you wanted me to be. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I never I'm not a chameleon unfortunately so you know no you're one of those frogs that is very colorful to warn you about the poison inside of it yeah yeah that's actually really good and then you're like a bird who can mimic the song of any any bird

essentially yeah exactly but then it's it's I grab that tiny bird and then I dive bomb it into a lake and drown it Yeah, and Devon's a chicken that lays eggs Was that mean I don't know it's just like you just sit on the couch and like you you're in your roost You've lived in the same place for 31 years. You're just laying a big egg Yeah, I think if you use a chicken and then you you clock at the TV. Yeah, at least I know something about stability. Unlike you. Enjoy this mortgage. You're fat. Well, boys, I guess we want to have a studio come next week

because the bank is coming to take my house. They're actually the banks going to drive here with a big 18 will there and put chains around my home and drive it down the four or five 405 you're gonna get a bank. You're literally getting like foreclosed by like George Bailey like a guy the big student bakers driving down a honky like Every miss every you didn't make a payment this month. You didn't make your fifteen thousand dollar mortgage payment or your eighty thousand dollars in property taxes make your $15,000 mortgage payment or your $80,000 in property taxes. Sad to see what you've become. Sad to see what you've become, Mr. Avery. I listened to the podcast.

You're a bitch. Fuck you. Well, well, your, your, your Patreon money isn't in, isn't in a Devin Schoozer and they're in food for Ben's baby and in a, in porn for chase to buy on only for tax man didn't give me an escort Yeah, yeah, well patreon.com This is fun It's good we talked about I mean we talked about so much we had a great episode Devon and hey watch pod Devon at said drugs by J's patreon.com slash lemon party you Jason said drawings, but my name is J's what I say

I'm your brother Devon at sad drawings by J's Get cringe you cringe patron.com slash lemon party for a new episode every week I'm trying to think what else live streams every Wednesday, Friday on the clips channel. And yeah, God bless. We're having fun. We're shooting a sketch this next week. However, the

guy, the guy, he's not responding to the location that I booked to shoot the sketch at. So I'm trying to find another place to film at. But I gave him the money and I guess I'm getting refunded. But now they're not messaging me back

We'll have to find another place. But anyway fucking hell I hate the producing part of it where you gotta find locations and get permission from people and filming permits and it sucks anyway You guys don't care about that. But anyway, we got some sketches in the can that we're filming. Anyway, god bless everybody thank you for supporting the show and We'll see you guys next week Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in roses Cantina Music would play and Polina would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina, wicked and evil while casting a spell.

My love was deep for this Mexican maid, I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a while young cowboy came in Wild as the West Texas way