lemonparty - 084: The Wahlberg diet

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

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I'm Eminem and I'm never that light beam always in my face. Abra, Abra, Kadabra. I'm Eminem and I'm never gonna die. I'm gonna ruin my career every day. I will haunt the memory of my career for the rest of my life. What if I keep doing music videos to when I didn't suck? I'm gonna have the worst album my artwork you've ever seen. Abracadabra Did he drop new album artwork?

The artwork for the for the song is literally like it's it's the worst thing I've ever seen. It's like a ghost guy with like a magician's hat on and he's he's holding a microphone and like this blue you know hue like you know, he's just like raising the microphone. And for my last trick, that's like the slogan. And for my last trick. His album cover should be a big sign that says my glorious career and then him lighting it on fire.

That should be every album. I do feel bad for him being haunted by being Elvis for five years. It's rough. I mean, it's just, just stop. Just cut it out, Em. Please, stop. Dude, he's literally been doing,

since 2017 he's been doing, my whole career, it's done. Let's talk about it. But also keeps trying to bring it back. Yes. Like, chick, chick, chick, chick, Slim Shady's back. Slim Shady is not back. No. Slim Shady is gone. Enough. If slim Shady's back like like Slim Shady is not back now Slim Shady is gone enough

If your daughter your daughter has a very successful podcast It's Slim Shady was back you would be doing songs about murdering your 22 year old daughter and her new boyfriend That's uh, that's the in the music video. She goes on her daughter's podcast and Shane is there and she kills He kills her daughter's daughter. Oh, yeah, Shane was in the music video, she goes on her daughter's podcast and Shane is there and she kills, he kills his daughter. Oh yeah, Shane was in the video. Shane was in the video. That's cool.

That was pretty cool. But you know, Eminem, just give it a rest, please. Please, I really hope. Somebody assassinate Eminem. Truly hope this is his last out, cause he keeps going, and from the last trick. He's gonna be 85 years old rapping. Yeah, he will be. Yeah, he'll be in front of Dr. He's gonna be 85 years old. Yeah, yeah, he will be yeah

He'll be in front of dr. Dre's tomb just wrapping putting sunglasses on his gravestone While Snoop Dogg is selling mutual bonds at like Northwest Mutual Is like that guy has to have like he he might be like the seventh most richest man on the planet right like the amount of commercials he's done Everything he's got every bag Wine he's done everything yeah, he's truly done absolutely everything he was even in like I remember There's like a big giant Katy Perry like he'll do a song with anybody there was a big Katy Perry song like You know eight nine years ago, whatever.

He literally, I think for 400 grand, he will do any song. He'll do literally anything. Hitler could give him 400 grand and he will give them, I think he said eight lines. I'll give you eight lines. There was this really horrible, corny Katy Perry song and he's in it, he's like a candy king. He's like sitting on like a throne of candy, like it's a-

Like a pit. Yeah, because nobody cares, you know, you don't need to be gangster anymore you can be a candy king yeah in a Katy Perry video him and him and check are really competing over who can collect the most money that's meaningless in an empty shallow life yeah I'm not trying to do a bit did he name himself off of the Charlie Brown dog Snoop Dogg Snoopy is that why he named himself Snoop Dogg or did he, like he didn't come before the character

that created by Charles Schultz. You know, I don't read anything about those type of people, so I don't really know. I think you might have, there's something there. I think they called him Snoop Dogg. Does that have nothing to do with it? I think they called him Snoop Dogg because he looked like a dog growing up.

It was like a childhood nickname. Yeah. Like he got named Snoopy or something. But then maybe Snoopy, yeah, I think Snoopy is from the Charlie Brown stuff. He doesn't look like a dog to me at all Really? That's what I was I was I was confused by what does he look like to you? If you had to if you had to relate it to any Yeah cartoon animal what type of dog does he look like he kind of looks like a doberman. That's yeah

He does that's actually that's the cover of doggy. look like? He kind of looks like a Doberman. That's, yeah, he does. That's actually. That's the cover of Doggy Pan. Yeah, I wanted to. Oh, is it? I think so. I had a gun of calling you racist to your head, but you completely, there's a music video

where he transforms into a Doberman, famously. Oh, really, okay. Yeah. All right, there you go. So there you go. By the way, I just want to say that if I, if the critics were as mean to me as they are to Eminem Sure on that level and I'm you know world famous and a millionaire and insanely talented and really cool

He's no longer either those last two things but he was he was those things, right? Yes, if that's me and the critics are that mean to me for this long I If that's me and the critics are that mean to me for this long, I go out by killing myself in my suicide note says, this is because all of you guys were really mean to me. Yeah. And I post that on my door and then I hang myself in my garage and I give myself carbon monoxide poisoning to they know I really meant it. I leave my expedition running and I climb on top of it and jump off and I swing right you swing myself and as you're hanging you just pull a gun out of your waistband I just blow your brains out. Yeah, and

Everyone that would be my revenge is make everybody feel really bad about not liking my new music And we're such a piece of shit culture. It wouldn't work at all We would like we don't think they feel? Like all the Jonathan Golds of music? Wouldn't it feel bad for me? No. Cause I'm gonna say this, I would name everybody by name, like a Vietnam memorial of every critic that hated me. I would search my name on Twitter, grab random usernames,

say this wouldn't really hurt my feelings. I would list them all on the suicide note and say I killed myself cause you guys are fucking mean. And make them them and then they have to live with that for the rest. Oh, yeah, that's a classic Fantasy of mine everyone I think has that fantasy Yeah, the kill yourself as revenge fan kill yourself is for revenge kill you kill yourself and say like, you know As a fuck you to the critics I always thought it would be hilarious like like one girl doesn't like answer your messages on tinder like after a few weeks And then you literally kill yourself and the whole note just says like just check tender. It's all Jessica's fault

Yeah, like you did the Jessica M. You don't even know her name You don't know her fucking name never even met in person you go. It's all her fault Yeah, just let her live with that you and you met you literally message her you match and you message your can I look that pussy real good and then she didn't respond and then you kill yourself Because haters are your motivation exactly to take your own life exactly. Mm-hmm. Yeah Yeah, that's what I do if I was in because that's the only way out really is then everybody just goes Oh, man, we should have been nicer to him. Then. No, I didn't we just pretend to like relapse. He's doing fine He's doing fine. You think he is? yeah, you think he still fucks and everything

He this is his even no matter how bad this song is. It's still his second most viewed song in his old career Eminem has the world on his side. Yeah kill shot and abracadabra are his most highly viewed like it within this quick amount of time of his whole career viewed within this quick amount of time of his whole career. People are still just, as long as it sounds, as long as it's Eminem's voice, it just brings people back and they just wanna hear Eminem. Yeah, he's doing the same thing Kid Rock did. He just went to, he's performing for Kid Rock's audience,

but he's still doing the black version of that. I don't know, I gotta say Lil Dicky got better flow when it comes to white rappers. Right. Well, yeah, I really hate you. And that guy who's, he talks about how he went to like NA for like smoking cigarettes or whatever. That guy too has good logic. He went to NA for smoking cigarettes.

Yeah, who else want to puff weed from time to time? Who can relate? Whoever been called a faggot in middle school? That music video is still one of the funniest things I've ever seen. The suicide song? The suicide song because in the first minute, there's like a little black kid who opens his locker

and there's a big, huge dildo stuck to the inside of it. And I'm like, no, that's very, that's actually very funny. You can't kill yourself because a bully stuck a big dildo in your locker and you're gay. God, logic. He had like, he had like two like really good albums. He was a volunteer in T.U.

I like genuinely enjoyed and I was like, he's like a really talented dude and then he did that suicide album and I go, you should have killed yourself. That was the worst thing I've ever heard. Ugh, God. He's literally like, he's like, one eight seven four four, like your car's for kids.

You're like. One eight hundred empire. Who else ever needed a new carpet? Who can relate? If you were a family member of ever experienced mesothelioma who could relate? His high man is the general.

He's in the background. The general on like the fucking vinyl doing the wiki wiki. The general. With the one headphone over one ear. Was Mac Miller technically a rapper? Yes. He was a rapper. So Post Malone's a rapper too. That's what his handlers have told him he is, yeah. Well I think they told him now he has to be

like a Jason Aldean guy. I think Post Malone, I'm not really sure, I don't really look into the history of worthless industry plant retards that are sent here by the devil to destroy people's minds and taste. But Post Malone, I believe, was a failed rock star who then made a parody joke rap song

that then went incredibly viral and then he... Made White Iverson after that. Yeah, then I think that was White Iverson was the song. Oh, was it? I think so. Oh, okay. And then became that think that was Wyatt Iverson was the song. Oh, was it? I think so. Oh, okay. And then, you know, became that guy. And now he, and then he, and then he like, did a cover of like a Kurt, of a Nirvana song,

like live and people were like, whoa, he really can play the guitar and sing okay. So he's a brilliant guy. And then he kept making like, you know, just bullshit, like Snickers songs. And you know, congratulations, congratulations. These people want a room flower. Make their music for them.

They want a electric vacuum. These songs can be made by a fucking Ring Doorbell. I fucking hate him. He stinks. He fucking sucks. He's an industry plant. He doesn't even know what the fuck he's doing. Anyone with face tattoos, by the way, like that,

you're a fucking worthless moron. What, how did we get so far in society where we don't judge people off face tattoos? You're a dipshit. You have the Snapchat logo on your fucking cheek. Kill yourself. Does he really have that? No, but he might as well.

Yeah, if you have a face tattoo and you haven't blown up a kitten with a stick of dynamite, like you're losing. Right. Yeah. If your head. Yeah, it's either fake rapper or guy who did so much fentanyl, he killed his mom.

If you try to take a picture of Post Malone's head, your phone thinks it's a QR code. It takes you to the Chili's menu? Yeah. You're like, damn, I could order wings at Post Malone? Yeah, I keep getting real pissed off. I don't know if his country song is out, but I see it go viral all the time.

Post Malone? He's doing this, and he's listening to it in the studio, and he's like, yeah. He's just listening to it, and it the time. Post Malone. He's doing this and he's listening to it in the studio and he's like. Yeah. He's just listening to it and it sounds like a Bud Light summertime. Exactly. Kickback, like Kid Rock kind of song.

No, this is what our world is now. Like a guy that Joe Rogan claims is the new Brian Wilson. I think people think he's Joe Cocker because he does this. Yeah, right. It's bullshit. He stinks. He's been sent here by Satan.

I said that on the internet and everyone called me a hater. Did they? Yeah, people called me a hater. Because they turned around on him. They turned around on him. Because he had a good- He repented for his black crimes

and now he's making entertainment for the whites again. Yeah, he's had a good marketing campaign. I would look up this new song, but my keyboard broke. The amount of white rappers, it is kind of, I didn't realize it's the amount of white rappers who kind of were like, okay, it looks like, um, checking the stocks. BLM is crashing. Barstool sports is skyrocketing. I love the trashy whites again. I'm making, I'm wearing a fucking American flag cut off flannel, you know,

and hanging out with a fucking who's that? country ghost at the n-word Morgan wall Morgan whale kicks ass though. Does he? Yeah for the n-word. He's bringing them work He's bringing it back, man. I Think this song I can do I can do with bad by myself And it's just post alone in the studio doingedio doing this. Right, right, right. Because he's so brilliant. He's pretending to be Stevie Wonder.

He's blind and music is the only thing that he sees. It's a Joe Cocker type of thing. But it's something that plays at the gap. I don't know. Maybe this was going to come off wrong. I don't know. Maybe the whole world loves Post Malone now. I think they do, unfortunately.

I think they do. He's on Kill Toning and stuff. Sure. I know. But Barack Obama's going on Kill Toning. I don't. I just don't.'s like on kill tone. I sure I know but Barack Obama's going on kill tone I I don't I just don't I've never understood him and I think he's bad for us and I think people are being tricked Yeah, I call him toast Malone damn right said you're over Yeah, I mean a hunk of shit yeah, he you use the country's. Plays it gas stations when you fill up.

It is. I do. You should. The more honest version of that is release a three minute song called The N-Word, where you just say it with no music behind it. And if that hit number one, I'd be like, OK, at least that's like, I know what it is. But you know, all you got to do if you if you make music like that in general. And and but but then if you have a NPR Tiny Desk video

come out, your handlers go, put out an NPR Tiny Desk video because show people that you know how to play like a string on the guitar, and then do Linger by the Cranberries, and then people will think you're like soulful and actually a genuinely great artist, but then you see that and you go, yeah, that was good, I guess, but I feel like I could have seen that at almost any bar where people perform.

It's not even just like White Rap, they did that to T-Pain famously. He did the concert and he sang live. And people, I swear to God, were like, oh, I thought he was a stupid robot monkey, but it turns out he can actually sing real good, can he? Right, and it's okay. It's fine.

It's fine, T-Pain's talented, but you just are surprised that he can even sing at all. Well it's also like being so like, you know, like fucking, like any T-Pain song from the early 2000s doesn't mean he can't make a good song. But you see him play live, you're like, oh, that's what, I saw a guy do that at a bar, so that means he's good now. No like it's really strange to me like imagine if like Sam Cooke Al Green sucked fucking ass

Like publicly like all their hits were like hunks of shit But then occasionally they'd go out and then they would do like sit And you go oh no he is talented. But go ahead. Keep feeding us shit. It's weird. Well, Post Malone's making like the wiggles like for country music. I don't even know what it is anymore. I don't know what I don't know. What Post Malone is. But I will say this about it's like like a JSA is a human barcode. I think I said that you said. Yeah. I said he's a guy. My apologies. Yeah. But I put a nice little cherry on top of that.

Don't forget about the cherry. Sure did. Sure did. We're all aware of the cherry, Chase. Yeah, really the tags are the most important part of podcasting. Oh, for sure. That's what I say.

I'll say this, because I don't want to drag the guy through the mud if Post happens to be on his tour bus right now. He'd love to be dragged through the mud. He'd finally be black to people. Yeah, Toast is listing this face down in a toilet somewhere. Did you call him Toast? Yeah, I accidentally did again.

You called him Toast? I did a shitty joke. That is like a bad guy thing too. You called him Toast? Chase goes, he's fucking Toast. He's Toast. Well, it wasn't just being fat. I also called him Toast earlier.

Oh, you did? Toast is is but I was just gonna say that I don't want to drag like cuz he might be you know On his way across Europe being the coolest guy ever right now He I just want to say he might be cool as fuck to hang out with it seems like a nice guy And I think he's cool in that regard or whatever, but you know, I mean I think he's actually I think he's cool in that regard or whatever, but you know I mean I think he's actually I think he's awesome His music kicks ass. Here's the thing I like I like I love Joe Rogan. I Like Joe Rogan. I like I like a lot of things. He's done. I think he's I think he should be respected for the rest of his life Mm-hmm. I don't respect who he falls in love with musically

out of nowhere. And he is a guy that out of nowhere thinks Post Malone's a legend. I mean, Rogan is literally a guy where you go, what do you like musically? He goes, dude, the Stones kick ass. Joe Rogan walks through the young adult section of Target and he looks at the shirts.

He goes, I guess that's the best fans of all time did you see the black keys had to cancel their entire tour yeah they're not doing any live dates right like 5% sold in some arenas they were doing I'll just watch Chevy commercials yeah I don't need to see them live yeah cuz everyone who's a fan of them now has a kid and their life is over. Yeah, they're not going to a Black Keys concert I'll fucking buy a Silverado Yeah, you can just go to Times Square and watch the commercials and just cycle through the Black Keys Yes in the middle of Times Square

I love the Black Keys, but it is there's a lot of songs that I listen to and I go I don't know. It's just tainted now because I've heard it so many fucking times in in corporate bullshit I love looking at the seat maps when people aren't selling tickets and... You do send a lot of people. You send a lot of people. It's weird, you're really obsessed with people not selling tickets. You're, the beauty of your hatred.

It's fun to see. The beauty of your hatred is you will send us a guy with two fans and be like, fuck this guy. And then you'll follow it up with a guy with 900 million fans and be like, fuck this guy. And then you'll fall in love with a guy with 900 million fans and be like, fuck this guy. It's every, from the tiniest little bug to the biggest blue whale you hate. You're gonna start running out of comedians

and musical artists, you're just gonna send us like pictures of bugs and be like, fuck this bug. It ate a leaf like a fucking retard. Yeah, Ben's like, y'all ever notice how the roly poly fell off? No one talks about roly polys anymore. When I was a kid, they'd be like, everywhere rolling up and shit,

but like, where you roll your ass to, little roly poly? Sad to see what all the bugs that used to like hit windshields have become. You don't even see them anymore. Dude, bugs fell off. Bugs, Loki fell even see them anymore. Dude, bugs fell off. Bugs, Loki fell off. Loki, no cap, bugs fell off. I feel like I've been less hateful lately, if anything.

Oh no, much, much more so, yeah. I think you've been so much more hateful that you've tricked yourself. You've been, I'll say this, you've been in a mood for the last month. You've been in a real mood. This is like, I don't even know what's wrong. This is, I mean, it's an hysterical accusation.

And you know, I know it's a comedy podcast, so you make me laugh, so whatever. You have! It's hysterical. It's a good goof. You've been in a mood. You haven't been yourself. You've been like going inwards. You're becoming very hateful and very, very mean. I've been going inward.

You've been going inward. Yeah, there's something going on with you. You're going through changes right now. You know what I just realized about all three of us? This is Spongebob's block. Okay. I'm Spongebob. No, you're Squidward, cause you hate everything.

No, you're definitely Squidward. I'm not Squidward. I'm actually, I'm Sandy Cheeks. I'm a hot squirrel. I don't know man. Whoever's Squid, I'm Sandy Cheeks. I'm a hot squirrel. I don't know. Whoever's Squidward is secretly gay. So it's probably all of us. It's probably me then.

Actually, it's probably me. Squidward doesn't go outside, right? Okay. Yeah. He doesn't really hang out. So we have to be Patrick and SpongeBob. But what is Jace's clarinet? Yeah, what's my clarinet?

Is it jacking off? Yeah, that's it. You're in the movie. I'm in the way to watch you guys like, I wish I could have seen that movie. Anyway, back to my clarinet. So then who are you? I think I'm Spongebob.

You're Patrick. No. You're fat as shit. You live under a rock. You're actually Plankton is who you are. How am I Plankton? You're just like staring through a little telescope at the chum bucket. I think I'm like if Spongebob drank.

Yeah. I'm kind of happy go lucky, but I am probably gay. And here's the thing, everyone in Spongebob's gay. Sandy's gay, Squidward's gay, and Spongebob's gay. And Patrick's like a bear. Patrick's asexual, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, Patrick's pansexual.

Yeah, that snail's gay as fuck too. Gary? Gary? Yeah. I think Gary is canonically gay. I think he gets caught sucking dick in the show. Yeah, the town is named after what they are, their bottoms. You have to be a bottom to live there.

They're next to Bikini Top. Yep. Yep. Like bottom. Anyway. Well I'm just. Let's end the podcast. I was just trying to say that like, you know, you're going through something right now.

And we all are waiting with bated breath for you to come back from it. Yeah, I mean. Kind of a dark night of the soul perhaps. 99% of the day I'm doing fine, but like sometimes I think I see stuff like out of the corner of my eyes. And like I feel this impending feeling of doom.

You're having day nightmares. Yeah. But other than that, I don't think it's gonna escalate to where I need to be on medication or anything like that. No, hopefully. So I think, well other than cholesterol medicine. I think I'm fine, it just feels, the waters are a bit rocky right now,

but you know, I'm doing good. I think when the waters get rocky, some people naturally gain weight because it's a defense mechanism, because it's a life preserver under your skin. Right. If you think about it. You're afraid you're gonna starve to death.

Yeah. You're trying to protect yourself from the outside world by building a barrier of fat. That's right. Yeah. A wall. That's right. That's what everyone in America tells themselves.

They go, hey, this is the world. You know, we're about to have an apocalypse. That's why I need to be 7,000 pounds. And here's the other thing too. If you're shackled up with a lady, if you get really fat, you can get so fat that if they leave you, it's almost racist in a way Like if I get so fat where I can't walk and then my wife leaves me everyone's like dude

You can't you can't leave him just cuz he can't walk anymore That's fucked up right in sickness and in health the man is bedridden. He can't walk I think most people is those have grown together like we love this type of racism and they would fully support I think people would be like thank God you got away from that You're out of the house All right. Yeah, well we're all gonna go burn it down later tonight No more literally fucked up. Yeah, yeah, like the wife would get like get pulled aside by two friends I'm like at a bridal shower. They'd like, your husband is a really fat piece of shit.

And we all hate how fat, we love him, we hate how fatty he is for you. They would come up with a hybrid slur. They'd be calling you like a fagger. Time to kill that fagger. Yeah, they'd roll you into town square. I would love to get so fat that a town kills me. I wanna move to a town of like 10,000 people.

And they kill you because they kill you because they're like, he must be eating all the food. We're gonna starve to death. Well you know how with monkeys, like if one of the monkeys is retarded or like breaks its leg, they all kill it? Sure. If you gotta live in a small enough town

that if you are actually a threat to the species, that people have a violent reaction to knowing you exist. You're born in their conscience as a threat. Yeah. And then they rise up, they get torches, they get pitchforks, swords, guns, knives, whatever, and they march. They all march to where you live to kill you. Yeah, to a big half circle on the horizon. Because they have all collectively decided that the world would be a better place if you were dead.

Instead of, he might eat all the bananas, they're like, he ate all the frozen patties at Dairy Queen. And it ruined my anniversary day with my wife my big wife Do they still do that in third world countries where they're all gathered together like an angry mob and go kill a guy I yeah, yeah, I mean though with yeah. Yeah, they'll do that all the time. They'll do that. Yeah That actually even happened in a small town in America, do you guys ever see that documentary about that? That that guy that was the whole town like the whole town killed him because he was like a he was a bully Yeah murdered many people and gotten away with it

I think he even shot like a cop with like a shotgun and but he like ran the town or something Yeah, he was just like like like being a complete piece of shit and somehow getting away with it all So one day the whole town conspired to like, like lead him into town and they just Bonnie and Clyde and him and then everyone, everyone acted like it never happened and they and everyone to this day never admits that they were a part of it. But everybody knows. Yeah. But everyone knows. God, I love that. It's great.

Like that's one of those things. It's like if we all don't pay taxes and they can't take us all to jail. Yeah, they finally did that. Yeah, it's the whole fucking like, yeah, how about we all don't do this or do this? Yeah. And then we all just agree. You have to it takes a tremendous amount of trust in your fellow. It takes a tribe.

Takes a tribe. Miss Hillary Clinton's takes a village. Takes a village. Yeah. Hey, everybody. This week's ad comes from a viewer of the show who wanted to support us. They want to say that Lemon Party is supported by Dudes R Us. Dudes R Us is a podcast. Every week hosts Aidan, Jared and Paul talk about the world of chicken ownership, 9-11

and trying to buy drugs off Alibaba. That sounds good as hell to me. Yeah, it actually sounds very Compatible with our show and the dude was super funny when I was emailing him Dudes are us isn't only a comedy podcast. We're they're funny sometimes, but they're not comedians just like Lemon Party sometimes you get a 20-minute shot-for-shot retelling of the 1996 movie twister and on multiple occasions, they've got a heated argument about cottage cheese and probably will again.

That's just how it is. If you like funny laid back conversations about alien conspiracies, golf course maintenance and weird people on Instagram, you'll want to listen to dudes are us dudes are us is available on Spotify, Apple podcasts, or wherever else you listen to podcasts. A new episode drops every week. So we're going to put a link to that in the description. Go check out Dudes R Us and, you know, give them a couple of five star reviews just to help them out.

They're fans of the show and they're going up in the algorithm and comment some schizophrenic stuff and on their videos. Yeah, go comment some really weird fucking shit, but give them a five star review. You got to do that. You guys love commenting you live for commenting exactly So take some of that commenting hate out of this show and put it on to dudes RS Into the microphone real quick give some sort of endorsement for dudes are us the podcast What is this? Just give them an endorsement. I love dudes are us. It's your favorite podcast

I love that's I listen to them. I I listen to them All the time like every day. Mm-hmm love dudes are unless they have really bad stuff in there We later get in trouble for yeah, which case we don't listen to it. Of course it stinks, but I Do love it for now. Yeah, he said we could do all that shit Did you wake up my baby again by the way you fucking asshole? Oh, was I not supposed to shake her? Devin woke up the baby. Devin did wake up the baby. I didn't wake up your baby. I know I don't know if you did but I did blame you. You're the one in here screaming about Japanese people for an hour and a

half. Yeah, that's Suzer though. Yeah. She does. She calls that her lullaby. I gotta say her crying did sound like the Japanese people in the Godzilla movie Yeah Yeah, I was just very glad I didn't get blamed because that screaming was horrible I'll happily be blamed for it. It was fun to I as soon as Katie came in I was like No, you immediately Katie walked around the court you go that it was all them They're all Devon you blame me me and I around the corner, you go, that was all Devon, Devon, Devon. Do you blame me immediately?

And I was behind him, I was going, it was totally Devon, it was not me. Do not fucking blame me for it. Your baby could use some adversity. It's got it too good in my opinion. Your baby's soft. Yeah, your baby's soft. I gave her the best bubble bath today, she loved it.

I'm gonna treat your baby like all the black women in the WNBA treat, Caitlin Clark. I'm gonna treat your baby like like all the black women in the WMBA treat Caitlin Clark I'm not here to talk about Ben's baby. I'm not gonna answer any questions about Ben's baby. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's it's great. Yeah. Oh, so dudes are us dudes are us podcast check them out check them out Great podcast love them Alright bless them link in the description dudes Dudes are us. All right. Hell yeah.

Bye. Word to your brother. I would love that. Like a Fourth of July parade and they're like giving a kid like one little gun. They're like finally the last shot in the head. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's the best part of being part of an angry mom that's going to kill a guy.

What? What is that dinner afterwards? It's the hanging in the diner at 3 a.m. after. Right. Doing bits. I'd be like comedians haven't got. Oh, remember you you shut that knife up is that that was crazy. Is that sweet, sweet meal at Cafe Brazil? That means there is a moment in that town like five years later where they're like, dude, remember we fucking killed that guy?

Yeah, that was wild that guy? Yeah. That was wild. Yeah, yeah. And they probably leave their town, they go to Dallas to talk about it. Yeah. Because they're just like afraid of anything coming up. Because I think it was some shitty,

I think it was like a very small town in Texas or something. Yeah. But yeah, it was, it's a crazy documentary. I don't know what it's called, but look up town that killed a bully. I look it up like keyboard's broken. But I was gonna say a no guilt kill. That's what I love about it. Yeah My keyboard's broken. But I was going to say a no guilt kill. That's what I love about it.

Yeah. It's like. About killing a really big fat person in a small town. It's like eating a gallon of sugar-free ice cream. Sure. It never even happened. It never even happened. Right.

You might feel a little bit bad in the morning, but it didn't happen. I didn't kill him. 4,000 people killed him. That's true. But you know there is no biological free lunch Which I used to hear of some fucking health fag on Rogan say mm-hmm Yeah, who was later caught like the fraud yeah, exactly who used yeah

He was later died of a tapeworm he got from papaya that he used to sell some sort of like supplement that did nothing and mm-hmm Yeah, biological free lunch no biological free lunch I think his whole main point was that like it was he was saying like like sugar free things people think are Fine, but the body still takes it as like sugar or whatever like the body even though It's an artificial sugar, and it's fake and you it says zero calories and zero sugar You're you know whatever you you your body still creates insulin because it doesn't know what it and it doesn't have sugar to hit the insulin With sure fuck so if I get off more a different way. Yeah, you know I Mean have you ever seen a thin person eating like zero calorie ice cream in your life?

Most fat people I know drink that coke yeah Most fat people I know drink Diet Coke. Yeah, so there you go. You know, the fattest, the most disgusting fucks in the world love Diet Coke. My fattest substitute teacher I ever had would bring the 88 ounce mug, you know what I'm talking about? The coffee mug and I would see her crack four Diet Cokes and pour them in one by one.

Like she was loading like a mortar in World War II. just donk in it donk in it donk in it Yeah, yeah, this is disgusting that's how it goes And then I knew a really skinny lady my English teacher. She sounds like a morally good person. She was skinny She drank dr. Pepper. She drank like ten a day Yeah She drank Dr. Pepper. She drank like 10 a day. Yeah. Dr. Pepper, she would put the cans all around her desk and like down where the chalk is supposed to go for us to learn. That's where she put all the cans. Like she just loved Dr. Pepper.

Yeah. So strange thing. But she was skinny as hell. Well, she was probably smoking crank after work. She was probably getting like roadside PCP. Did you know there was a kid in my... So I graduated with like 88 kids in my class yeah I was 77 you were 77 yeah that's just how small our school was mine was 88 and before we before graduation there was 97 the week of and then like 10% of people dropped out why they just stayed in knowing they wouldn't pass but their parents didn't know the wiser,

and that way they wouldn't have to get jobs. So basically the last semester they knew they were fucked, and they just stayed in anyway. So they could go to school another year? No, just so they could go to school another six months before they have to enter, you know, before they have to like learn how to like do like, like welding and like have a horrible life. Yeah. No, I mean, that was true. Like every or life that kicks ass.

Yeah. When we graduate. No, it does not kick ass. Trust me. I've looked those people up on Facebook. We've I mean, when we graduated, like the first year we graduated high school, people we went to school have started dying like the characters in seven. Yeah. Just dropping like one. And you're like, yeah, I ate so much spaghetti, a stomach burst.

I got trapped in a popcorn machine at the movie theater. Yeah. You got cooked like the gremlin. One guy smoked so much PCP, he chained himself to a bed and died after a year. We know people that have like, yeah, poor Terry. He fell. He rolled down a hill too quick. Yeah killed Terry rattled his head Remember, you know when you drop a carton eggs at the grocery store With the inside of his head. Yeah, Terry, you know how you used to go into the mountains and fuck rocks

You get two big rocks and he put him getting like titties and he would fuck him anyway, his dick got caught between two and He tried to what happened what's not he didn't die what you're thinking He tried to bite his dick off like a coyote in a trap anybody broke his neck. Yeah. Yeah, he had just seen 127 hours brother Really fuck with him. Yeah He tried to bite his cock off to free himself. He bled out Bled out and coyotes came and they did rape him.

We found a lot of coyote semen in his asshole and we're hoping to God that was after he died. There's mountain lion cum, raccoon cum, there's fish cum. The principles cum we found on top of all the sloppy second cum. That boy was raped by the desert and ocean somehow That boy had the whole food chain in his ass that we get He gave birth to an eel a bird to an eel

No, I mean we had a guy there was a guy I knew very well who just imagine a guy his assholes a birdbath It's a bird bath Yeah, just a little robin's going swimming and they're like wiping their feathers off. Yeah. That was a great act out of a bird. Of a bird cleaning its feather. That's what they do.

Yeah. They're like a dance move. Yeah. This is me when I'm around black people, they start moving like this. I go, what's up, brother? Brother man. Give me some skin, Slim.

No, we've had, I knew a guy very well who fucking got like a crotch rocket and then slammed into the back of a fire truck. Going like 100 miles an hour. What? Yeah, I got a phone call. I remember I was like 20. We were out of high school two years. And like, I got a call from my friend.

He's like, hey, do you remember so and so? I was like, yeah. He's like, yeah, just slammed into the back of a fire truck. He's all retarded now. And he'd had a kid. He's like, all fucked up. And he widely coyote-ed himself. Yeah.

To the side of a mountain that's painted to look like a tunnel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically. Yeah, we knew guys who died in a big cat in that's paint. Yeah, like a tunnel. Yeah, yeah Yeah, basically, yeah We knew guys who died in a big catapult that threw them into the ground right on the other side I knew a guy that flipped the three-wheeler like nine times down He was doing donuts on the side of a hill and a four-wheeler and he paralyzed himself And I just found out I just found out this that apparently he's still uh, he thinks he'll walk again one day. Oh Which it's sad.

They told him it's like, no, your your spine is. They're like trying to paralyze themselves like no more walking for me, brother. I get it. I get it. Enjoy that cardio. I get it. I get a fat check from the government 150 a month read it and we breathe 50 smackaroos enjoy the gym first of the month. I'm down at the DQ getting all the dentists the menace ice cream bars Fuck you He thinks he's gonna walk in his his legs look like rattlesnake like tails

They're gonna be curled up like Wicked which of the last he's been in denial for like 15 years. He's like, I'm gonna walk if he thinks that he can go to Physical therapy. It's like though your sign is your spine is severed We are literally 300 years away from you being able to walk again. Like medically you'd have to go into the year 2400 and there was then they're like, well, there's a surgery with experimental. You could try it out. It costs a billion dollars. It costs a billion dollars and there's a 50, 50 chance it'll make you more paralyzed. Remember that other kid who went up to Alaska after graduation? He flipped.

He was going, doing ramps with my class after graduation. Oh, yeah, he flipped he was going doing ramps when he was in my class Yeah, remember that game a TV in like 2003-2004 we just ATVs and stuff. Yeah, that's the motocross game Yeah, he did some he did some X game shit Yeah, and he crushed his head with the crushes and again Alaska looks like a fat Timothée McVeigh and he crap He crushed his skull in yeah trying to do a backflip on an ATV I think he like landed on an icicle or something. Yeah, he got speared himself on a stalactite. It's final destination shit. It's crazy. Yeah Stabbed to death by hardened bat shit. Yeah

And even the guy of sepsis at that point even the guys who died I mean a lot of them are living, you know me like middling, you know fry cook lives But there's a guy who was such a dick to me in high school I remember I looked him up like a year ago and he's like The tattoo that goes from the side of the like body across the neck here, right? And then he was posting just like my bitch ex-wife and let me see the kids anymore Guess I got to do something dramatic. And it's like just comments being like,

hey, calm down dude, it's okay. Oh, I saw that. Yeah, I saw some of that stuff. Like kind of vaguely threatening he might kill his ex-wife. Did he do anything? Over custody. I don't know, he's probably in jail now. He's just a guy, he looks like a tech deck dude.

Yeah. Yeah. He looks like he vandal made him in his basement. Ha ha ha ha. Shout out to Vandal, I love Vandal. looks like he Vandal made him in his basement. Shout out to Vandal. I love and shout out at Vandal. He's only got his shit. I want to start buying who recently got suspended on Twitter just like I did. We're both still locked out of our accounts.

What did you get suspended for? You think probably send in my asshole, the miners. I don't know some bullshit. No, I don't know some bullshit I don't know. I think I tweeted something about more lens Morgan Spurlock like outing himself for rape or something Why would but everything's a lot of people are saying the n-word on dude. I told you I was suspended and then like the next week I found an account like called like NUC figures. That's like tweeting a picture of Hitler with the And then like the next week I found an account like called like Nuck figures That's like tweeting a picture of Hitler with the backwards cats literally that they say the n-word like all day. Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy Yeah, there's maybe I was suspended for being woke and gay maybe I've been at it's yeah

It sounded very arbitrary. I reported you for being lib I reported you for being too neo lib sir. This guy made fun of Joe Rogan's podcast one time He hasn't been liking any of the Hitler Camps that have been going around on Twitter Hitler with the Korean heart Yeah, and it's playing like fucking nightcore music behind them. Yeah. Yeah, that sucks. I know what are you gonna do? What was I gonna? Oh, I don't think I'm getting it back by the way. I don't think me or vandals getting it Did you write them? We both reported it. We still have nothing. So who knows?

whatever Before I forget what I was gonna say sure two things one. I looked up some people from my graduating class. What's three? What's three divided like? Three out of 88 is like what that's like that's five percent five percent. Yeah Three people have become murderers They've murdered people that you knew in Tuscola. Yes, like out they didn't murder people in Tuscola They murdered like other people like like serial killer shit or like random. No, they're just random like, you know Why are you talking like they were angry? They were angry right you trying you trying to fuck my donkey only I fuck that donkey jack

Our country has very weird rules. Like if you're angry you can get away with it. Mm-hmm. Oh, no, they're in prison for i've talked about Oh really? Yeah. Well, there's the i've you know, that's how I found out with it. Oh no, they're in prison for life. I've talked about, oh really? Yeah, yeah. Well there's the, you know. That's how I found out about it. Oh yeah, yeah. There's like their mug shot and it's on the news. Yeah, well that's, you know, I don't know, they should look into it more.

Cause we, America does like, we have the whole crime of passion thing. That's right. Which I, what's that? Temporary insanity. Crime of passion, temporary insanity, I've talked about it in Hate Watch before, it's the, it's the, but I was pissed rule. Yeah. Where if you. It's like I fucked, fucking my wife, I've talked about it, hate watch before, it's the but I was pissed rule.

Yeah. Where if you. It's like guy fucking my wife, I had a gun on me, I killed him. I thought crime of passion was worse. There was actually just a huge TikToker that just went away for life for killing his wife and some guy she was with.

So it's worse if it's not a crime of passion? You can, no, you can claim did you were out of your body? And did it like basically so angry and there was the circumstances We will look at the circumstances and go no I I would I would be angry if that happened to me Maybe I'd kill to buy kill my wife. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Oh, I get it So you can get off if it's a yeah, if you're really yeah This guy didn't but yeah a lot of a lot of life a lot of people do actually You like kill someone like someone like ambivalently then they're like well now you're going to jail Yeah, you're too laid-back you better care

You just got you got to care about it like you have to really be yawning you have as you plunge a knife You have to show the court you were so angry the knife went through their back the show the court you were so angry the knife went through their back because you were so pissed yeah maybe that's why guys try to stab their wife like three thousand times or something I think that is maybe mm-hmm to get away with yeah yeah yeah crazy anyway couldn't be me most likely to be you though out of all three of us probably but I would never I'm not a violent man Oh, no, you wouldn't turn your wife into a plinko machine. No, I would never show anybody. I care that much about them That is true. Yeah

What fag I got some double cheeseburgers to eat buddy I shot her and I shot the guy and then I went. What? Fag? I got some double cheeseburgers to eat, buddy. There's a lot of new smash burger places in town. There's some good movies coming out. You think I'm gonna ruin my life over you? I can go buy pussy now. I can do whatever I want.

There's pussy to buy. I'm burning a hole in my pocket. I would love a guy who caught his wife cheating and he pulls out a gun and he goes, the new Linklater's coming out in two weeks. I can't kill you I'm not kidding like I do like bullshit too much. I'm like, oh fucking there's you know The like Luca and Kyrie look like they've really figured it out. I want to watch them Yeah, I can't miss this game one. I'm not gonna fucking pretend I care this much

I've seen a bunch of people in prison with phones now though. I think they're all just like iPad babies It keeps them it soothes them. Yeah. Yeah, it's like they're pacifier prison Prison sounds pretty kick-ass. Yeah, I think they're all just playing the NBA 2k in their cell Yeah, and like ordering Domino's I don't think it's like much of a thing. They got PSPs You know, they have like, you know, I have Flamin' Hot Cheetos and shit. I think it is. It looks like, prison looks like a Tony Hawk's

like underground, a Tony Hawk's like pro skater level now. I'm like, oh, they're in the hangar. Sick, they're just like. There's a nice, there's that sewage pipe you can ride down. Yeah, exactly. It looks awesome. Yeah, I think it's literally like most federal governments have been like, they confuse prison with just like,

they're like, oh, I thought that was downtown, Chicago We just stopped enforcing anything there, right? Yeah Speaking of prison though. The reason I brought up people from our hometown is one guy He broke into a dude's house. Okay, because he thought the dude was cheating on his the dude was cheating on his, was cheating on his wife. Or he had his girlfriend and he's like, this dude's fucking cheating on me.

This is a guy on steroids, right? Yeah, he was tweaking on meth. He broke into the house and he put a gun to a crippled guy's head. He's like, did you, he's like, did you fuck my girlfriend? The dude literally can't. To a crippled guy. He doesn't have a dick. Yeah, the guy's like, I didn't fuck a thwiff. He pistol whips him. Yeah what was he fucking with like

WD-40? I may have told him that story before. Yeah sure. He was grinding the wheel against your clit. I used to fuck her with the straw. I blew on her pussy real good. It was keyboard cleaner. I'd fuck her good with the keyboard cleaner. Did anyone get to the bottom of Stephen Hawking raping women? I mean, I think Thomas had the great joke on Twitter. If you got raped by Stephen Hawking, that's on you. That's on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your fault. But did anybody actually get to the bottom of how he physically even had sex with women and stuff? He did, this whole idea, I can't even fathom.

What is sex, what does that mean? Well, can he move his finger? Is he a Hector Salamarcha guy or can he not even do that? I don't know. He can't even finger pussy. He probably had to turn the volume up really high on his voice box thing and then that would make him cum. Like that scene in Private Parts where the speaker's

on the ground and she straddles it. Exactly. The bitch has to put her pussy lips on his computer keyboard. Yeah, the bitch. Yeah, the bitch. That's what I call women who are raped at Little St. James, bitches.

Bitches and hoes. How are we sure he's that smart though? What do you mean? We're not, he looked retarded to me, bub. That's what I'm saying. The guy looked like he couldn't fucking, he didn't tell which way was up. If you're so smart, why don't you stand up, Rita?

Yeah, why don't you speak? This is what I'm saying. I think it's like. In a debate with Stephen Hawking, well why don't you move your goddamn hands? Fucking moron. Speak up, I'll rape you, faggot. Yeah, you just push him off the stage.

The guy looked retarded as hell. Sure. And I think, you know how retarded people get special treatment? Yeah. I think it's one of those things where you feel like a guy with Down syndrome, like he colors inside the lines.

They go, oh, this guy's brilliant. You've a brilliant job, sir. And I think it's the same with him. Like he kind of knew like math and he looked like a retard. So people are like, dude, he's like, uh, like we already told this guy he's brilliant because he made a popsicle stick, like scarecrow guy. Yeah. So this guy has, he's the smartest retarded guy ever. Therefore. Yeah. He's like, he's like the Robert Oppenheimer of her time. He's just like, ain't plus ain't equals, ain't times ain't equals 64.

And they go, this is the smartest man, who's ever with. No, it's just a bunch of scientists taking their hats off. Oh my god, damn. Wasn't his whole thing the theory of everything? Sure. It's like, what a vague theory, fuck off.

I think all these scientists have brands that they're trying to establish So they can build the world into thinking they're the smartest even Hawking was the black keys of the scientists That's right. He was ripping off Albert Einstein who was the white stripes exactly. Yeah Yeah, I think he was the guy who was in the string theory or whatever. Mm-hmm, of course That's literally like you it's like always they're like, what's the new thing? And it's like, oh, instead of Adams, Adams are made a little vibrating stringy thing.

Right, that's just because he was so fucked up that he was like, he loved strings like a cat. Like he was playing with yarn. His last movements before he went completely was just him. Hitting a ball of yarn. Him with a cat dancer toy just hitting at it, rolling on his back. I would love to be a physical therapist

who just really taunts the retards like that. Come on, come on, get it. Get it. Oh, it's crazy. These guys are supposedly so smart and they know, it's like, okay, where is like a car that runs on water? Where's that?

I don't give a shit about your theory of everything. How come nobody ever got upset at Stephen Hawking for also hiding the cure for ALS, which I guess is just money. But that guy lived way longer than anybody that has ALS. He might have been faking it, and he had a charity, and he was running all the money through that It was a good traffic women and it was a money laundering scheme to traffic women to fuck him in his in his chair

I think all day he's like this like I'm a smart man. Who's not who's definitely crippled I'm totally crippled as soon as he gets music and he goes Samantha could you come to my office to talk about that paper that you turned in yesterday? Yeah. And he's like, would you shut that door? And then he goes, oh, I'm gonna fuck it up. He stands up like.

I'm your god now, bitch. Show me your fucking tits, I'm Satan. I'll destroy you. I'm the incarnation of Hitler. Yeah, it starts floating like Baron Harkonnen. Just T-Pose floating at her. Give me pussy. Yeah, that's him though.

I think he's faking it. And then he's just like, he's the worst, he's the most evil man to ever live. If he's doing that. I think he's faking it and then he's he's he's just like a he's are the worst He's the most evil man to ever live. I never tried that I never trusted him. He's here incarnation of Hitler. Here's here's Yeah, I do have bona fide proof that he is a marketing piece of shit I mean he is he's dead now, but he was a marketing piece of shit Is that they had the option like many years ago to they went to him and were like hey Can we we can give you a normal voice based on recordings of you and he said no, I'm famous for the computer voice Don't fuck with my shit. Oh

And he's purpose and kept the weird computer voice the entire time. I'm famous for the computer voice Interesting exactly. He's like you don't shave Hitler's mustache. Do you he's a bona fide fraud that hawk. He's a freak I'm glad he's dead. Yeah, I hope they flushed him like a goldfish I hope they flushed him like a beta fit like a third grade class flushes a beta fish Oh, you know they dies they buried him like dumping out an old cart full of cans at the recycling place fuck him They just yeah, they tilted the chair over the whole family made seventy five cents for bringing him to the bound. I absolutely fuck him. Yeah, I'm glad he's dead.

He probably probably has some sort of fetish. He just wants people to wipe his ass and hold a cup by his penis as he pisses. That would be pretty sweet. I'm guessing that's how he peed. Probably you that or like a catheter. You big put a juice glass below my balls, I have to pee. Put a big tube inside my penis hole so I can piss into it. Every time they have to do another catheter. Yeah, yeah.

Every time he has to pee. They've never heard of a Texas catheter. They're like, we have to put it, we have to rip his dick hole open with this tube. Why didn't they ever make a catheter for shitting, by the way? There's no huge glass tube you can shove up a guy's ass. I love if you become a billionaire just spitting newspaper.

You and a big white cowboy hat in front of a pink Cadillac with a steer horn on the hood. Man invents tube for shitting. Yeah, worthless fat idiot. Worthless fat idiot invents catheter for your ass. That would be. Becomes billionaire overnight. Yeah, that would be pretty brilliant

if they just shoved the tube up your asshole and the shit got forced out of that instead of. Don't they have shit bags? Oh, I guess, see this is what I. I think the shit bags go into your stomach and then the shit just goes out of the tube. Right, right. Into the shit.

Okay, yeah. I'm not entirely sure. It's not really ass related, I guess. Yeah. We're talking about jamming a big garden hose up a guy's ass and then making him push shit down. Like an ass catheter, basically. Exactly, exactly. Something that would change people's lives.

You know how many people their entire existence is wiping old people's asses? Yeah. If I made the... They would actually bankrupt the country of Jamaica. The West Indies would go belly up. Yeah, they're quick. There'd be a million women who could no longer beat the shit out of grandma's

for money. How do we practice our fucking left? They're walking around and their knuckles are slowly healing and they're like, I can't work ever again. My calluses are going away. Those women walk around with catcher's mitts full of turds. They're getting down there like Mike Piazza. Catching the motherfucker. Catching them.

Sliding out. Sliding, putting the big bag they wear over their head and then walking about their day. Why do you take a bite, how does it, they say tang instead of thang, that's all I know. Ting. Ting. Here's the ting. Ting. I'm gonna catch a grandma shit now big boy

But we do good work hard work time if I get you the grandma grandma waste time If I invented it, I'd be on Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow. Yeah sitting there I wouldn't even be the the guest that only gets one segment. I get to do I get to John Hans It next to me. He's fucking scoots over. Yeah, bitch. Yeah Yeah, I go this tube is the size of John Hans penis. Actually, we based the model off of his day Yeah, and then it goes to commercial he leans in he goes. I desperately want to kill myself John he goes, please can Can I be on Lemon Party? Can I be on Lemon Party?

I think I'm a comedian. I think I'm a comic. I think I'm a comic and I'm a fall down drunk. Even though my life rules. You could probably apply for a job at SNL where you're like, you hold like a chair backwards just to like shoe John Ham away from 30 Rock. Like a lion tamer.

Get out of here, Ham! I wanted to do blackface in a sketch. That's enough of you! Do Fargo! Bad day's over! Never seen a guy who didn't appreciate being the coolest dude ever more. Just kept having to be like,

no, I feel like I should be slapstick. Be Sinatra, be Sinatra. Be the cool guy. It's awesome to be the cool guy. Not even in any movies, even like the fucking town. He's not even in just minor roles in a cop. He's in the town. Well not anymore. But I'm saying he doesn't even do.

Did they cut him out of it? He did like three years of that. Yeah. And then now he's like, I'm just waiting for Wet Hot American Summer 4. Hollywood's sick of it. Please God. Yeah. They're sick. Hollywood's sick of it. Please God. Yeah.

Yeah. They're sick. Hollywood finds nothing more disgusting than like you being a respectable, like, you know, iconic character and then you keep wanting to like fall all over yourself with like Kristen Wiig. Sad. Here's how much of a loser he is now.

Sad. Here's how much of a he ruined his career. He goes to rehab and people don't even write about it. That's how much of a loser he is now Oh, yeah, I didn't even know he was relapsing. Yeah, we all know he showed the hammer up a kid's ass Nobody even fucking no one cares. Yeah, who cares? Yeah, he's hanging out at Largo's punishment enough John hams going to dinner with Lilly Singh. He were Don Draper and now you're tweeting for Tig. Yeah. Yeah.

Kill yourself. Now you're going to little doms. Yep. Now you're with Pete with Pete Holmes. You're at little doms. Yeah. You're you're you're listening and putting on party hats and blowing a kazoo. Yeah. You listen to Pete Holmes talk about how psychopathy is actually empathy now as you slowly inject that fucking needle of tequila into your vein You loser

He I know I've said it before I've actually met run into him before he bought a ticket for me at hot They smelled like shit. He smelled like actual human shit He smelled like he was it was so weird. He smelled like a homeless person. He was the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Yeah, it was crazy sure that wasn't your upper lip I hope that water trips into the mic Self that rim shot. That's the tea sis. That's the tea. Yeah, is that not there bringing back? That's the tea spill the tea Let spill the tea bitch Yeahill the tea. Spill the tea, bitch. Yeah.

You don't even know? No, I don't know. Isn't tea mean gossip? That is gossip. Oh, is that where it comes from, that's the tea, sis? The spill the tea. I think so, yeah, spill the tea. Yeah, spill the tea.

We've got the cat out of the bag. You're gonna start sending us the Kermit meme where he's sipping tea. Yes, that's true. From 2015. What's the cat out of the bag means let me fuck you raw, right? Yeah. Because the cat is the pussy in the he's sipping tea. Yes, that's from 2015. What's the cat out of the bag means? Let me fuck you raw right? Yeah, because the cat is the pussy in the bags the condom exactly. That's right Is that it? No, not at all. Yeah, you're mentally retarded taking the cat out of the bag means taking the IUD at the pussy

So you can get a bitch pregnant You're thinking about a million ways to skin a cat That's about how you can eat pussy a lot of different ways and they're all stupid a million ways to skin a cat that's about how you can eat pussy a lot of different ways and they're all stupid Yeah, that's the story and I'm sticking to it. That's that just means you're denying rape accusations That's what that means All the idioms all the idioms really come back to having sex yeah, if you think well, it's either that it's very funny Anytime you look up an etymology of a word and it's like well You know you like what is a cat scratch fever come from and it's like you look up etymology and it's like well in the

1650s they would take a cat and kill Negroes with it They were tiny grows in a big bag with cats and they would throw them into a river. That's where they got That's like the etymology of every word Yeah, scissors sisters is well, when they caught women having sex with women, they would cut their pussies off with scissors. That's why we call them Scissors, Scissors to this day. Yeah, I wonder where Patty cake comes from.

Eskimo kisses come from when we saw an Eskimo, we would blow his face off with a shotgun. We call that an Eskimo kiss. The kiss of death. Exactly. What'd you say, what is Patty cake from? Yeah, I wonder what Patty cake even means. We would blow his face off with a shotgun. We call that an Eskimo kiss the kiss of death exactly What'd you say? What is patty cake from? Yeah, I wonder what patty cake even means I've always been confused But when people say like patty cake, I'm always like, what does that mean?

Cuz I know it means like kids doing this with their hands, but I don't know what the fuck it means Right patty cake patty cake bakers man. Bake me a cake as fast as you can. I about like Some Nazi came up with it, like 1940. Yeah, they're like, there was this one. Like, working at the chambers. Yeah, they're like, there was this one lady named Patty Boone in the 1700s who would feed strict nine cakes to children and they would die.

So they made a nursery rhyme called Patty Cakes. Patty Cake, Patty Cake, Baker's Man, make me a cake as fast as you can. I gotta say, I tried to put on a Hitler documentary before you guys came over and I said. That guy sucks dude. I said fucking boring. That guy stinks.

I actually don't get it. I don't know what people see in it. He's a one dimensional fucking asshole that guy. They keep showing the old grainy footage of him marching and doing this. I'm like, who gives a shit? His stiff, like his stiff wave. They're foreclosing on my house.

He hates stupid stiff waves. I don't care about names I go. Show a little fucking, you know, come on. They're foreclosing on my house. Hey, his stupid stiff wave. I don't care about where they go. Show a little fucking, you know, come on. You can be a little lighter about it. His gay little big hip, the uniforms he would wear. Yeah, it's always this weird wave he does. It's like just wave.

It actually did piss me off when people would put the full thing and he would just do like that. He would go, huh? Yeah, he would. He'd go, how? Well, he did that kind of. He'd go, huh? Hitler was a faggot.

He was a fucking faggot with a tiny fucked up dick and one ball. That was his biggest crime. I heard he was gay Yeah, he would paint assholes all the time. Do you know I'm trying to like fucking Hillary Impossible burgers you queer I Tried to give a fuck man. I tried to give a fuck about World War one and World War two and I just can't I just can to give a fuck man I tried to give a fuck about World War one and World War two and I just can't I just can't give a damn about The wars and they and then they always a war and there's grainy footage and they say like 900,000 people died that day and I'm like, okay, whatever. I'm like, yeah Yeah, and they go here's another war 700,000 people died. I go whatever good. They're Russian. It's not even real

I know I know I know I don't give a shit. It doesn't mean anything to me It's like it's like knocking over a war hammer table. It's like I really could care less It's just it's all plastic a bunch of plastic orcs who cares You know what's more engaging to me is like baseball games on the screen when it's like the cut, the red ball and the blue ball and the yellow bar racing. Yeah. And you got to bet on which ball those actually are pretty good. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like this.

I'm like, I got yellow. I got yellow. Let's go, baby. You're losing. You're betting with your daughter because you're so lonely. She's holding like $40 in Cambodian money and I'm betting her college fund Read him a weep. I win again Yeah, yeah, but that I just I'm sick of black and white footage of like Norm indeed all this shit It stinks and it sucks and I don't I I'm tired of pretending that I like give a shit

I have all these Winston Churchill books and I have a biography on Hitler. Every time I try to crack them I'm like, yeah, it's not now. And I'd rather read a book about something that didn't have. Yeah, Winston Churchill. Make up some stuff. It's not enough, it's like, you know,

fucking a novice's guide to taking a bath as a drunk. That's the Winston Churchill biography. We get it. Pour yourself a whiskey and get in that bubble bath. Just George, yeah, George W. Bush your way through an awesome retreat that everybody loves at Dunkirk. Winston Churchill's big win, handling some fog. Yeah.

And it was called Operation Dynamo, like your Austin Powers. Fuck off. I have his six memoirs of the war. Supposedly they're like the greatest thing ever written. Sure. Yeah, I know, I know. I bought it for Ida this last, I don't know,

some holiday or some bullshit I had to give her something on, I forget. Yeah, and they have cool titles. Six memoir war. Yeah, yeah. Winston Churchill. They're red, right? Like blood, bloodshed and written and stuff.

And like they have great titles like Ring of War or something like that. And I go, oh blood, bloodshed and written and stuff, and like they have great titles like, Ring of War or something like that, and I go, oh fuck, Ring, or it says like Ring of Fire, and I go, holy shit. And then I open it and I read the first two words and I'm like, I see, I see. It was like the Bible, it's like Old English, it's like, ah, next.

Is the whole book just him like, it was December 12th, 1942, I had a ham sandwich on rye bread with a quart of martini liquid. Yeah, what if it is just what he ate, fat bastard? He was like, I jacked off to hentai porn. For the first time. And then I had some meeting, I was just thinking about the hentai porn during,

and people said stuff happened. Fuck him, I guess he was instrumental and he stood up to to Hitler or whatever. I really don't believe this horseshit of like if Hitler won we'd all be speaking German. Is that true? Is that true that Hitler would have just kept

conquering every single country? Like he would have come to America and done that? It's like we wouldn't fucking, we wouldn't have that. Yeah, I don't think we would have had that. If he it, it would have just been like, lol anyway, you know. Anyway, we're going to keep kicking ass over here. We've just like dropped the bomb on them. Yeah, exactly. So they go see them and just see the everyone's.

Yeah. No, we are the bomb. But they had they were preparing one too. So that's why Oppenheimer had to go and be you know listen to the shitty Hans Zimmer music For three-hour montages and a Christopher Nolan with a piece of chalk. Create the bomb. Yeah Mm-hmm by the way Oppenheimer stinks and fuck everybody. Everyone called me a fucking idiot for hating that movie. You suck ass You're never gonna watch that movie again. I hated it from the beginning. I hated it from the bomb is gay as shit From the beginning. I hated it from the beginning. The bomb is gay as shit.

The explosions. Put some fucking effects into it, asshole. The bomb scene's very bad. Fucking paid 30 bucks for an IMAX screening of that movie. The bomb was gay as hell. I could make a better bomb in my backyard with an M80 and an anthill. You're damn right.

Damn right, Jack. Fucking how many cats I've blown up that look better than that scene? Yeah, fuck Christopher Nolan. It really did suck ass. How many cats I've blown up that look better than that scene Nolan they really did suck ass I Was gonna say something I forgot can I can I say really quick I've had I was gonna say something about Hopper harvard being skinny. Yeah, go for it. I tried to look up his diet Yesterday what was to get skinny for the movie and I'm like, I'll just do that He wouldn't divulge it because I don't think he wants people to develop eating disorders. He smoked three packs of cigarettes a day

That's how he was really in is that true. Yeah, that's what every actor does. They don't eat they smoke cigarettes. Yeah, I'll be right back So I got to smoke cigarettes and fuck yeah, sorry I hate both of those things I know I got to smoke cigarettes and fuck. Yeah, sorry. I hate both of those things. I know. Yeah, you've had sex once to have your kid, to have my kid. Yeah, and you were going, ooh, ooh, gross, gross, ooh.

I had a big guy behind me pushing my ass into my wife. Yeah, yeah. Back and forth like this. And I go, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like you were some closeted gay prince I go, ew, ew, ew, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like you were some closeted gay prince in the 1500s. No, it looked like giving a cat a bath. You know, my dick is exploding, it's gonna explode. I black out.

Oh, some lady goes, yeah, he ate like an almond today. Who was the stupid fucking bitch that he fucked with the tits in Florence, pure the other bitch with the tits that he fucked and had the kids and they didn't raise them. Elizabeth Blunt. Yeah. Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt.

She said that he ate it only in like an almond. And here's the other thing, too. They go the whole movie. He never went to dinner with any of the cast That's what Matt Damon and all them said he never hung out because if you went to dinner He would just be hungry and eat sure so that's the thing if you do want to be skinny and look like kick ass Like I'm so fucking cool. I don't even need food like Robert Oppenheimer. Yeah, you then you there's no fun You can't go out to dinner with your friends. You can't hang out. You can't do anything

So what's the fucking point? Yeah, you sit in a room and do what not eat and just Just stare at nothing. That's what celebrities movie stars are paid millions of dollars You have you actually the worst life of all time somehow sit in a trailer. They smoke cigarettes. They can't go outside They can eat they can get a little pussy, which is cool But you know that gets like, you know, I've got porn I can get just as much pussy jacking off That's why it rules when a guy gets typecast as the fat guy in movies Yes, because then he's getting paid to be fat and play Xbox I can guarantee you Brian Dennehy's Brad Pitt saw Brian Dennehy on set one day and he went his trail

He just started slicing a razor blade across his arm. He was so upset. I would take all the I Would take all the the the roles where I have to gain a ton of weight. Yeah. And I would just put I would keep I would keep taking bigger and bigger roles where I have to gain. It's a variety. Ben Avery gained another 60 pounds. Tremendous method actor. You play Rush Limbaugh, then Orson Welles, then the fattest guy who ever lived. I'm rando at the end. I become a writer-director where I keep writing myself fatter and fatter and fatter.

Yeah. I just keep, as I do the rest, I'm like, I have to do it. You finally run out of people who have existed who are that fat. So you have to write a movie about yourself. Yeah, it's a Synecdoche, New York type of film where I'm playing myself playing myself Exactly playing myself in a play. Yeah

And you're being played by three people like doing a mech suit of a fat guy because you're so big god I would love that that'd be pretty that'd be a great life But the thing is Jason's right if you if I woke up as Brad Pitt, I'd kill myself because then there's no more hamburgers No more pizza. You're raising 15 black children you hate and are being the shit out of. Yeah, if I woke up as Brad Pitt, I'd beat my kids to death on a flight.

It's the minute I get them trapped in a big tube in the sky. If I woke up as Brad Pitt, I'd find myself in the middle on a private jet with my whole family and I would Chris Benoit all my adopted kids You go I'm doing fight club to method acting style laid out a cardboard box. Yeah, be your family They keep trying to get him online and I keep reading the the the court case or the whatever You know what the document that comes out from the court sure

David what somebody does it says all the bad things he actually did. Sure. And I go, yeah, well. Have you seen Cliff Booth? If I woke up as Brad Pitt and one day I realized my wife adopted like 30 Mowglies, I'd be a little pissed off too. Maybe if I'm drunk on a fly, I'd be like,

enough of this shit. Yeah, you know he had that discussion too. Jesus Christ, I'm raising a fucking Bengal tiger here. Yeah, your wife keeps bringing home stray cats but I have to pay for their college education one day. Your wife is like, hey, I just got another $400,000 at Stanford in 20 years, be ready. Ugh, God.

I'd be like, you know, I wish you fucking liked your dad a little more, Angelina. I wish you went a little towards the John Voight side of politics. Yeah. Yeah, you see some John Voight keeps breaking into bringing the kids back to Africa. At Christmas, they just find his car stuffed full of black children like he's in Narcos.

I hate to say it man, but you see some kids and they're, you go, they're meant to be orphans. They were never meant to find mommy and daddy, unfortunately. I legitimately, one time I was trying to figure out if Woody Allen was a pedophile or not, and I looked up all of Mia Farrow's kids and I go, those are some orphaned ass children Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like an Indian kid with like an eye patch and shit like that

There's like a kid Mia Farrow adopted a kid Lee cut out of the belly of an anaconda. Yeah It's like well enough alone running its core. It is crazy Mia Farrow adopted the entire all the Treasure Island reenactors in Vegas She had like a she like a baby with a peg leg and a hook for a hand. I'm like, let it go. Yeah, it's not going to the trauma is not. That's the weird that that's all Woody Allen has going for him with that whole case, because I think he's guilty. But also Mia Farrow is a little weird freak.

She is a weird, as well. And I don't really quite know what's going on. But I don't know. I think the ship with Ronan Farrow and all the orphans was very weird like there's a lot of claim like half of the worst Orphan side with her half of the war fun side with Woody Allen Yeah, and the woods ones on the Woody Allen side said like yeah She would like praise Ronan and they would all like have to listen to Ronan talk all the time And the kids would get locked in a fucking room and run was the only one with his own room Your Ronan's a fucking fraud to the fucking little like

I can't admit that his dad's Frank Sinatra. Yeah looks exactly like he's Frank Sinatra's kid beautiful singing voice I would bet my life on that. Mm-hmm like you know and now his whole goal is to you know ruin a great men's lives with his fucking With his articles. This is really just what happens to women though when they use their pussy to get riches. It's like, okay, you took a part of your soul. Your only commodity is your fucking vagina. And that broke you because that caused a great dissonance

within you because you know deep down the only reason anybody gives a shit about you is because your pussy gets wet and it's tight. So then what happens is eventually you crack like an egg, you turn into like a weird, you look like a, Johnny Depp played that chameleon, what was it? Rango or something? You end up looking like Rango.

You adopt a bunch of kids that should be in the jungle. Walking around like crabs in the jungle. That's where they should be. They should be swinging from vines. They should be burrowing underground to survive. They should be treading floods. They should be treading high waters. They should be scavenging flood plains for pieces of candy.

We understand. Yeah, whatever. For taffy, I don't know what you're going for. It's mana. Sure. So we get with the kids, but they keep going. And then she becomes fucking crazy

and it's because she sold her soul. She sold her soul. To Abra, Abra, Kadabra. And for my last trick, chicka, chick, chick. Yes. This is what happens to women who use their pussy to get ahead in life. It's like, bitch, you made a deal with the devil

and now he possesses you. That's how this shit works, bitch. You're married to a fucking evil Jewish pedophile who's a weird fucker who fucks his daughter. That's what happens to you, bitch. You invited the devil in. You let the door in, now you're a crazy fuck When you when you smile, you're so crazy. It looks like you have 900. She does look like baby Jane when she smiles

Baby, who's baby Jane like a rosemary baby. Yeah rosemary's baby. Yeah, I never made it to the end I watched the whole thing and I missed the last ten minutes. I never got to finish it It's a shit Well, the end of the movie is for people to mention them and them and the end of rosemary's baby is the devil comes in any fucks her his her Asian daughter Then marries her yeah, yeah, I mean what he has Mary sugar, baby more like it bitch. Yeah, yeah very good What is what is will will not will Woody Allen's fucking Asian wife's name? Suc me Not will Woody Allen's fucking Asian wife's name Suni. I think it's sookie sook me Yeah, well

That was weird of him to do but the jury's still out on if he you know ate out his daughter and all that in an attic And yeah, and then the maid walked in yeah, I don't really what his maid would lie about that. Yeah, that is a tough one Also, his defense was why was I'm a hypochondriac or what's when you're scared of tight places? Oh A claustrophobic he's like I'm claustrophobic I can never I would have but I couldn't get in there, right? It's a weird defense He hasn't sought asylum in Israel. So I guess the jury is still out on it. If he was really guilty. That's because he's that powerful.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, no, it's because they would see his wife and assume she was Palestinian and just blow her head off. In Israel? Yeah. Because she's Asian. Does she look Palestinian?

Or what kind of Asian is she? She just sort of stands kind of brown. She's like super, isn't, she's super Chinese. She is super Chinese. She's like crazy Chinese. Yeah, yeah. She like doesn't have eyes. Yeah. She looks like a She's she is super Chinese. She's like crazy Chinese. Yeah, yeah. She like doesn't have eyes. She looks like a pan's lap. This is what he would.

He has even been banging a chicken foot for 20 years. Her pussy's pickled. That bitch belongs in a jar. I take one look at her. I'm like sinker and vinegar, God damn it. And you know, it's unfortunate she's a victim of grooming. Can I say this? And I don't know if I'm allowed to say it and, god damn it. Anyhow, it's unfortunate. She's a victim of grooming. Can I say this? And I don't know if I'm allowed to say it

and we'll cut it out if not. But the guys who actually have a staggering body of work, but then they take it, there's this intellectual thing where they think they're so above everything. They marry an ugly Asian woman. No, here's the thing. Here's why I actually think. John Lennon did that too.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's like a thing. No matter how big you are, the white loser thing kicks in and you go, I need to be with an ancient Asian woman that doesn't speak a lick of English and doesn't understand that I suck ass. Yeah, I think it's.

Oh, like in the bedroom and stuff. Yeah, like in everything. No, it's literally Woody Allen is like banging me a fairy. He goes, Frank Sinatra took his horse cock and fucked the shit out of her. So I need to find me a stinky bitch. I need a phone call camera. I need to find me a little Asian lady

that I can just hit the back walls with my three inch penis. Yes, Woody Allen, yeah, exactly. Fresh off the line. You get with like. Opening the packaging. Asian women look at Woody Allen like he's like the Fonz. Like that's line you get with like opening the packaging you get Asian women look at Woody Allen Like he's like the Fonz like that's why you get with somebody that's like so just like so grateful to be in America That they look at you this nebbishly like you know this this human the bagel with cream like

Like a loser and they want to fuck them white losers And they proud of date Asians because white people are Two Asians white people are what black people are to white people. Mm-hmm. It's it's the it's a fat white woman You mean I'm trying to understand the math real quick that we can cuck Asian men in the way that black people can cuck us Historically, you know what I'm saying? You mean like when a black guy marries a fat white woman? Yeah.

Interesting. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a classic trope. Yeah. Black guy with a fat white lady.

No, I mean, like John Lennon, Woody Allen, with being with, you know, like fucking, I mean, no one's more worthless than Yoko Ono. Yeah. I mean, she's sucked ass. She ruined the great, she ruined, she ruined like God's music. Like there was a band that represented like the music

of God and she somehow ruined them. Yeah, I don't understand anything about music theory, but supposedly the Beatles were the, like the alpha and omega of music theory. The Beatles made music that you hear and you would go like I feel like I heard this in the womb like you just when you heard it for the first time you're like I've already heard this before yeah like in heaven you hear like you're like a like not even a classic like dear prudence here like this sounds like something God would say to me yeah yeah and then she came in with

her like Berkeley art house bullshit you know wailing and doing whatever exactly We're putting it putting an apple in a bowl or a hat and being like that's all right. That's what it is now But yeah, what do you own? I don't know. I think what he Allen is a pedophile. I'm pretty sure he ate out his daughter I know I've been resisting it for a long time, but he probably He probably I think it's the artist thing of when you when, when you're that great, as Woody Allen was, and he was the king. Yep. Was he? You start going, I mean, he was at the time.

Yeah, he was like a fucking hybrid comic actor, filmmaker, actor. You're going back in time to hate comedians. But I think, I believe that he did do it, because I think a guy like him became so big that he goes, what's my next artistic endeavor? What is another thing to pursue and wonder about fucking children?

Yep. Okay, I get that. Also in Manhattan, he is banging a fucking teenager in that movie. And there's breadcrumbs all over the place. It always leaks in the art. But isn't that how Louie? That was fine then, bro, right? I mean, yeah, but that always leaks in the heart. Yeah, that was fine then right

I mean, I mean, yeah, but that's that's why it was a problem that it was fine She is like 16 or 17. I'm saying it wasn't illegal like he was he can't be a victim of the era Yeah, but I'm not I don't want to be one of those guys where I'm like, it's not illegal So I'm like clear completely clear conscience. You're allowed to bang a 15 year old Then and it was legal like you can't condemn the man then if he was doing what was I think I can condemn the man There's people in the 1800s who beat black people to death and I'm not like well, you can't condemn the man, right? Yeah, it was legal at the time who knows what we would if there were no laws who knows what we would intuitively know Would we know that murder is bad? Maybe not Maybe you'd wake up and you just start killing people. Mm-hmm. Maybe you'd run them over with your car

I think most people be like that guy didn't deserve to be murdered. You're bad Maybe maybe maybe religion was invented to control the mass. Oh back to this My next phase is I'm gonna become a guy I'm gonna become an Gervais thing now with the invention of lye. My next phase is I'm going to become a guy. I'm going to become an invention of lye. And from my next trick, God. We should. We should recreate that Ricky Gervais cross mic stand picture with you without your shirt on.

And it says atheist across your chest. Oh, yeah. Do you know the one I'm talking about? I know you're talking about. We're using the mic stand as the crucifix. As the arms of the cross. Yeah. We should recreate that and make that the new I think he has the wires of the microphone Yes wrapped around looks like the crown of thorns. Yeah, right He's bleeding and he literally has he has atheist spray paint across his chest unless you're completely retarded and don't get it I I miss when the culture was like you could put remember the the guy who put the crucifix in a glass of pee

and he called it piss Christ. People talked about it for nine years. It was like a huge. People talked about it from 1991 to 2000. No, the Pope was like kill this man. The Pope issued a foie-trois on the guy. Yeah, literally because he put a cross in piss. He goes it's PP Pee Pee Jesus.

And people are like, what the fuck? Yeah. A guy gets a big fucking canvas, and he just writes, Jesus equals shit. And people are like, I don't know, man. I don't know. The simple days, man. Yeah.

DuChamp could just take a urinal and make that into an art piece And I was like famous and there's no poop in it. There's no pee There's no urinal cake if he was a great artist there be shit in here No, I actually hated I I only hated that because it's a clean urinal Yeah, but you just bought a new urinal You didn't even like take one out of like New York City subway system and put it on would have been so much cooler I remember going to the Manhattan the Museum of Mon Art and there was you walk into different rooms and there was one room I walked in and there was

Just a bunch of dildos sticking out of the floor And I looked at this their security guys everywhere I just looked at the black security guard near the door and I was kind of like he's like Yeah, just shrugged and then like went on his day He looked at you in You know white these white fags These white are pegs what you gonna do well in closing do any of you want to apologize to me for the patreon last week? No, not at all. All right patreon.com slash lemon party. Yep

for bonus episodes every week. Live streams, live streams. We're going to party clips channel. We're going to go. This fucking not eating a bunch of food is hard. Like, I can't think. Yeah, because I'm not eating. I didn't eat that much today.

Well, you know, if I throw it, you'll get your energy back and you'll start thinking clear. Yeah. Is that how it works? That's how keto work for me, at least. What do you what do, you just not eating? I only ate two meals today. I'm trying to do, I found out- What were the meals?

What were the meals? Yeah, they were like, 3,000 calories. I'm doing the Mark Wahlberg thing. He does a thing called four- You wake up at four a.m. and pray for two hours? Yeah. To the pope. What does he do?

Four, two, one. He beat the shit out of a bond me Yeah, Ben's Ben's Cardi Ben's cardio is doing hate crimes He just punch a fucking punch a vermicelli ball Ben as a bit as an Asian guy tied up like a speed bag Ben is an Asian guy tied up like a speed bag. He's just going. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. That's so funny. Yeah.

Mark Wahlberg does a thing called four two, it's a thing called four two one. Basically what you do is four days a week you eat two meals. Okay. Two days a week you eat four meals and one day a week you fast. So yesterday I fasted for 24 hours. You didn't eat anything yesterday?

No, I stopped eating at 6 p.m. the day before, and I didn't eat again until 6.30 the next day. So it was a 24 hour fast. That's not real fast. That's a 24 hour fast. I looked it up, they don't recommend if you don't really do them that often, not more than 20 you can get you can get those way up You can go like seven eight nine. Yeah, I started feeling crazy

I think a full day fast is literally the whole fucking day you go to then you have one whole day We go to bed, but I'm sleeping if I'm sleeping it counts because it's the last time I ate it's a chair Yeah, there's what is there like Muslim rules. I'm not following or something I don't know. I'm just I I would think the discipline of a fast would be to literally go a whole day Hold on. Hold on. I can I get this 24 hours not mean 24 hours. Listen, I could eat Yeah, it doesn't with sleep involved and like that bullshit like thinking what sleep doesn't count I mean, I'm sure it does and I will be trying that soon to get into that But like I don't know you could eat like a ton of food

At 6 p.m. The day before then you just still full that whole day then go 6 30s around That's what I did and I ate a ton of food the day before Doesn't sound like a fast to me bud. It feels like I'm hibernating. I like it for you. I'm sure that's like the most difficult thing You've ever done I will like I climbed Everest Everest I will I will say As a guy who used to be really good at fasting when I was like anorexic I made it the furthest I made I think was six days one time and After day three it actually kind of rules you feel like people say they yeah, it feels great after day three

You stop being hungry and it kind of feels like you're on like speed or something you feel like this metallic like Vibration type feeling it actually is kind of crazy. It's very good for cancer cells and shit like that Yeah, it's supposed to be good for like cellular regeneration and it's great for yo-yoing the other way and getting really fat. So It's great for that. What's the opposite of fasting? Eating constantly your life the last two years I'm gonna do I'm gonna start a movement where it's the opposite of fasting where you're constantly eating Fattie ing you're putting like I'm having people put like almonds in their lip like they're dipping chaw You're like they're constantly consuming calories.

You're at a slow rate. You're like a Buddhist temple with the ropes on. You're the only guy who's too fat for the robe. Starting to get I get into Buddhism and I think the goal is to become as fat as the guy they worship. Yeah. I'm like, no, I'm going to get there. I'm going to get there. By the way, as fat as people are now, when you go into the lobby of a Chinese restaurant You see the fish tank and you see the porcelain Buddha the Buddha actually is less fat than the people walking by him Mm-hmm. Now, it's kind of crazy. They got to update the Buddha. He's not that he's not that fat

Yeah, they should put like a trucker hat and a goatee on him Skinny Buddha looks like the aliens from science skinny Buddha He does. They got to update that skinny Buddha is the fat Buddha now and then they got to make me a Buddha that's three times the size of it. They'll make you a Buddha soon. Yeah, you'll walk into it. Yeah, you'll walk it.

You'll walk into a Buddhist temple and start bowing. He's returned. They fly me to wherever the Bodhi tree is sitting there in Tibet or whatever I'm just like eating like sweet and sour chicken. They spray and they're all bowing. Yeah You gold like one of the bond girls. You're just sitting there. Can I get some more hot mustard? Well, sure they mean here is McDonald's is 4,000 miles away You go not good enough You go, I'm not good enough. Not good enough.

Maybe the Buddha should bring down that big gay elephant guy and kill all you guys. Be honest, it looks like I kinda lost some weight in the past three days though. I think you're looking good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, good for you, I'm happy you did that. And you needed to do that.

Here's the problem though. Here's the problem though. I lose like five pounds and then I gain it back immediately again. And then noticing it I feel like a fucking gay housewife in the 80s. I'm like, there's no winning. Yeah, I think unfortunately as a guy who's walked down

this fun house mirror before, I think what you're starting to develop is just a different type of eating disorder. You actually unfortunately just really do have to eat healthy, not saying I do it, but you just have to eat healthy and normal. You're probably gonna just not, you're gonna fast and then yo-yo the other way. I don't think so, man.

Just try to cut out carbs. I'm not doing that either, because when I cut out carbs, I get shaky. Eat a lot of plants. Plants are carbs. Eat a lot of vegetables and fruits and shit. Yeah, eat good carbs, I guess. Eat beans and- You wouldn't be hungry if you vegetables and fruits and shit. Yeah, eat like, you know, eat like good carbs, I guess. Eat beans and-

You wouldn't be hungry if you ate like just salads and shit all day. Sweet potatoes and a lot of avocado really helps like stifle your hunger. Oatmeals in the morning, you know? Your vape literally like just fucked up the audio of our show. You're no nicotine vape. You're worthless vape. It

tastes like sour gummy worms though. What do you get out of it? Do you even get like a head rush at all? It tastes like candy. So sometimes it makes my head hurt really bad actually. Yeah. It gives you a horrible headache. It should. Yeah. Oh, I know. They design it like that so you won't suck it down too much too quick. Yeah. Yeah. I get the Benz smoking this thing. Yeah. My eyes popping out of my skull. I like it. I take a hit of this and I pound the desk a couple times and I go back to work. You're vaping so much cotton

candy, vape fluid, you have to count it in your calorie app. It's like 50 a day. Maybe this is the thing making me fat actually. That could be it. Yeah, you're full of hot air ladies Ladies and gentlemen I think what I'll do is I'll just all it all like I'll go to an Indian restaurant I'll get the butter chicken. I'll take the chicken out and just drink the sauce And get the calories I'd say it's like taking the buns off of a hamburger Yeah, just eating the meat if you don't honor the rice. It's better. It's definitely the the chicken is making you fat not the butter That's so funny. I take out everything that's healthy. Yes, literally the only healthy thing the protein in that

They have the only healthy part and then just turn it into a fucking spice milkshake Well, we got head over to the patreon where you guys are gonna be fucking mean to me oh enough enough stop getting bullied We're gonna watch Godzilla minus one we're gonna finish that yeah So I made the guys start watching it and we're gonna laugh at Japanese people getting killed Devon hated watching the movie with me before we started this because I just kept laughing that what it's very funny At the two Godzilla Ben literally just see very Japanese guys speaking Japanese and he goes Godzilla movie? Ben literally just sees a Japanese guy speaking Japanese and he goes,

ha ha ha, ha ha, ha, oh my God. I can't handle it. It is, it's so funny. I wanna shit on you but I gotta be honest,

in the first like five minutes when a guy goes, ha ha ha, ha ha ha, and I go, ha ha ha, look at him. Ha ha ha, look at him be Japanese.

I really like when they're running away from Godzilla, like, ha ha ha, ha ha ha, no! Look at him be Japanese. I really like when they're running away from Godzilla. Like, Oh, no! This doesn't make sense. Just yell, ah! Why are you doing like a weird, intense screaming? I was literally telling Devin

while you were dunking your baby in water. They scream in Japanese. I was telling Devin while you were dunking your baby in water like a chicken nugget that I love the Japanese language because it's hard to explain. It just sounds like it is. It sounds Japanese every single moment.

Yeah. In the quiet moments when they go ge-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- I love it. Devon started scream laughing when the Godzilla theme came on and it wasn't Pharaoh. Yeah, I literally thought like Godzilla. I thought they were like playing Simon Says by Farrah Munch. Japanese get the fuck up. Godzilla says get the fuck up. Godzilla says get the fuck up. Then I said pull your eyes to the side.

I'm not gonna shit. I guess pretend that was organic now. Pull your eyes to the side. Simon says Godzilla says get the fuck up. Ba da da da. Ruto ruto. Take the erasers out of your ramen. Get the fuck up. Get them little gay ass shrimp out of your ramen and get the fuck up.

Get them little gay ass shrimp out of your soups. Get that little weird eraser coin out of your ramen and get the fuck up. Get those vending machine panties out of your mouth and get the fuck up. I want to see it of them like, they go, oh the Godzilla. And then they run away, they're all running away from Godzilla. And then they just see one black guy and they go, oh, the Godzilla. And then they run away. They're all running away from Godzilla. And then they just see one black guy and they go, black guy. And then they start running away back towards Godzilla.

Kill me. Kill me. Black guy. Godzilla, kill us. And the black shit in my nose. Ah, it's a shark. It's a shark. And the black and shit Yeah, you figure it you figure out Godzilla's just seven foot two He makes them all look tiny. No, no, no, no get the fuck up. Fuck up

Pull the sword out your gut. Get the fuck up pull that squid out of a woman's pussy, get the fuck up! Alright, well we gotta end the episode. God bless everyone, patreon.com slash lemon party for more episodes every week and we'll see you guys next week. Bye! I'm going to go to the bathroom. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina Music would play and Polina would whirl Blacker than night were the eyes of Bolita, Wicked and evil while casting a spell. I love was deep for this Mexican maid, I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a while young Calmore came in, wild as the West Texas wind.