lemonparty - 092: Evil Room

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

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I'm Red. I'm Red. I'm Red. I'm red then there's Jay's Hello then there's me I'm like a green pink or something mm-hmm and then here's the a it's both of us there's you guys guys. I think it's too dark of a shot. Ben's actually in a different room. We walled them off.

He's not with us right now. It's too dark of a shot. I don't know. Maybe it's good. I don't know. I just feel like every comment on YouTube is going to be. Uh-huh. Right.

Yeah. This could be done in the Taj Mahal and people will be like, wow, sucks. That would suck ass, actually. Apparently, there's tons of rats in the Taj Mahal not to start off like this Here the food runs around Lead off home run See that's why it would be great that was cringe that would be a great to have a studio in the Taj Mahal Because you can make fun Indian people the whole time

This would be yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. Yeah I mean, I've never I never podcasted with clothes pin on my nose I forgot to cut to myself. Yeah, as you lean forward. Let me take that again. I'll try to learn how to cut live. I got four different cams here. Using cheap Chinese cameras and a nice one. I wonder if this is too dark.

It'd be very funny if we hire like a tiny, like a like humong man to stand next to you and just switch. And I keep elbowing him. And he goes, get him! I go, hit it! He goes, hey! Do it! Hey!

I stomp his foot with a cane. Do it! Throughout the episode you just see him go, ahhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! You can barely see us from all the chain smoking.

All right, we're off to a better start this episode than the first one we tried to do in the studio. Oh yeah, yeah, we're figuring things out. We're getting the vibe. This shit is fucking awesome, by the way. Yarmul's, the studio by Yarmul's. Shout out Yarmul's. Shout out Yarmul's.

Built this whole fucking thing in like a week and a half. It's unbelievable. It's the best craftsmanship I've ever seen in my life. YouTube.com slash Yarmles, Y-A-R-M-L-E-S. Go to his YouTube, go to his Instagram if you're in the SoCal area and need any fucking work done professionally, brilliantly, beautifully done by a very good guy that will not give you any fucking problems and keeps his word and is honest and great. And looks very cool too. And looks amazing. Cool looking dude.

Has amazing. He looks awesome. He looks like he built Mac Miller's coffin. Ha ha ha ha! With like the little sliding wood slots for his opioids. Yeah. Well, he does a lot of that. It's like the wardrobe with the hidden button

that pops out. Yeah, it's a lot of wooden stuff and then you press a button and then it all expands into a butterfly wing. Yeah, it's like something the richest man in the West would have. Yes, yes. Just a set of drawers that became more drawers.

And they go, how damn, I'm a millionaire. Look at that. Look at that. It's got a whole container for my pipe. I shove all my wives in there. But yes, studio by Yarmul's beautiful place. Oh wow, Devon's way too bright. There we go.

Do you guys think that if Mac Miller, oh let me switch to myself. You guys think if Mac Miller was alive though that he would kinda suck ass? Like now? No. Do you think he'd be on the couch with Jimmy Fallon just doing like Yeah, that's like Coming out coming out to talk to James Corden just No, he wouldn't but we like him because he

Know because you weren't a fan of him before he died and you're you're if you're a fake This is you're a fake phone. You're allowed to do this to me right now. Yeah, cuz I Will put I will put myself on that cross You're a fake phony for that. You're allowed to do this to me right now, yeah. You are. I will put myself on that cross. Yeah, I was completely a Mac Miller for all. You were kind of a hater a little bit of Mac. I thought he was frat guy music. I thought he was like Asher Roth.

I just didn't get it. I thought he sounded like he had wooden teeth. He rapped like George Washington. And I just didn't look into him enough I was just like I don't know it's just the white guy and he has a studio and a lot of rappers like a rap at his place and I didn't know much and I was extremely ignorant and I was extremely wrong because he has about four albums that I hold near and dear to my heart now and after he died swimmingimming is one of the greatest albums of all time,

in my opinion. That's where I got into him. Circles is amazing. Faces is one of my favorite. I love watching movies with the sound off or whatever the fuck. But yeah, see when he started, it was like he was young and it was just like Donald Trump and like, you know,

hanging out with my friends at the Frickwick Park and I just, I didn't care. I thought it was like. His music video did look like the Burger King, like kids, the whole club of them all together. I was just, it was the, it was, you know, it's the only thing in life I've ever been wrong on. Well, I appreciated him when he was still alive.

No, you didn't. I did, no, I, cause I'm not like you, I don't need to. I don't really look at the artist or the name of someone when I'm listening to the music. I just judge the music based on what it is. I don't need some I don't really look at the artist or the name of someone when I'm listening to the music I just judge the music based on what it is I don't need some sort of narrative or story or is it cool to like this guy? I'm like you who's kind of and then we're cherry picking the buffet To be fair Ben heard Mac Miller

Devin to be fair Ben heard Mac Miller Ben heard Mac Miller for the first time, he goes, what's this like rhyming over beats thing? I don't understand what this is, but I like it. No, in all honesty, when he died, people were still like, you should still listen to Swimming, and I was like, I tried when it came out. I didn't really try, I was just like, I don't give a shit. I just had a bias against him, right?

Cause also I was like, fuck white rappers. I was like, Eminem's the only one I'll ever be able to. And he betrayed you, really. And Eminem started betraying me, so I was like. Well you like Topson. I didn't like, I liked Topson. I was thinking a bit about white rappers. Oh right, very good, very good, very good, very good.

I literally thought you just didn't know, so. Yeah, I don't even know anymore if you remember. We're gonna eventually get 19 cameras in here that we just keep switching. We're like making fans throw up. But, so I remember I was doing Uber Eats. I was driving around Mount Washington, delivering bobas to paralyzed fat women.

You had fat paraplegics. There was a few paraplegics I delivered Bobas to, and I'd be like, you piece of, you don't deserve something about it. Lieutenant Dan Dan Noodle. Folks, we're cooking in the new studio. We're cooking in the new studio. We got some gas in here.

God damn! Damn, son. Damn, son. Where'd you find that joke? Yeah, damn son, fuck that fat bitch. But I started listening to him, and I asked him, Damn, son, where'd you find that joke? Yeah, damn son, fuck that fat bitch. But I started listening to him and it all hit. There was like a moment, it all connected with me

and then I was like, fuck, and I don't admit I'm wrong often, so I was like, all right, fuck, and I started really getting into him and listening to his other stuff and I was like, wow, I've never been more wrong. It was actually kind of a turning point in my hatred, in life, in general. It was kind of a turning point in being a little more open.

Oh, you think it whitewashed you a little bit? Like it took that pure hate out of you. I think you probably realize you're a bit of a hater. Yeah. You acknowledge that as part of yourself. Yeah, and people have told me in the last five, six years that I've kind of become a little more, I mean, I'm still a psychopath, but they've told me in the last like five six years that I've kind of become a little more I mean, I'm still like a psychopath

But like they told me that I've become a little less like immediately like I'll give things more of a chance than I used to I used to have such a hard line stay Yeah, you would you would like I can recommend the cartoon to you and you would be like, you know, okay I'll check it out reverses, you know, like a year ago You just like hit me with this like a steel chair in the face Like that cartoon on HBO Dinosaur one primal primal primal The samurai Jack guy made that yeah and

Russian name some yeah gay Russian Bobb's key Bob Tuck's key whatever the fuck so yeah Mac Miller kinda opened me up to being like, I was wrong, I was insanely wrong. He's one of my favorite musicians of all time. You actually do love him now. I love him to death, I have a shirt of his. I am really gay. I love him to death.

You also love guys who die too early. That's kind of a theme for you. It is, it's my main thing. Literally, if you love a guy, he will kind of die too early. Yeah, no, I used to, I had a joke where I'd be like, if I love you too much, you're gone.

You're done for, buddy. And you're probably a rapist. Right. Anytime Devin Pullock pulls me aside and goes, I love you, man, I just go. I'm looking to the corners for like a sniper or something. Just red dot on your forehead. Luckily, I don't rant about your talent.

I just love you. Because if not, you'd be in danger. Because you'd be dead, pal. Devon's memorial wall does look like a BLM protest, to be fair. Just young, talented black men taking too soon. Yeah. But no, yeah, that was a, I'm glad you brought that up.

I've always felt a lot of guilt. Well yeah, it's just a funny thing about you. I mean, Devin made like a complete fool of himself at a party I was at a couple days ago and I had to leave. And luckily he followed suit. What? What was this? Oh, it was quite embarrassing.

You were quite hammered. I'm not surprised you're asking what I'm talking about. Oh, no. I'm not shocked at all. I know it, pal. Damn it, buddy. I'm not shocked at all. Sorry, pal.

Because you made quite a fool of yourself. I'm a social butterfly. I don't remember which party we're talking about. Yeah, it was the one I was ranting about how black guys in England aren't real black guys. And everyone got really uncomfortable. Yeah, that was it. And I kept doubling down on it. Why did nobody get mad at that?

I don't know. I don't know. Well, keep talking, Devan. I thought that was it. And I kept doubling down on it. Why do you think they're mad at that? I don't know, I don't know. Well, keep talking, Dev. I thought it made a lot of sense. Explain a little bit. Well, that they fucking aren't real black guys. You know what, you kept saying they don't have any culture,

and we were like, what do you mean the culture? You're like, you know, they're not like, come on, you go ahead, keep talking. No cornbread, no collard. Everyone was very uncomfortable, go on. Even Connor was uncomfortable, everyone was very uncomfortable. Sure, sure, collard greens. Everyone was very uncomfortable, go on. Even Connor was uncomfortable, everyone was very uncomfortable. The host was asking you to stop talking about this.

He asked you three or four times until I finally left and luckily you followed me out like a puppy dog and asked for a ride home because you're a cheap fuck and they want to pay for a four dollar Uber. You're the one that's always like pretending you're Mr. Good Guy for like driving me home. No I'm not. Oh good.

Shut the fuck up. Oh of course we all know. I have never done that. We all know you need. I have never done that. Hey Ben we all know you need to get your meal ticket home saved. Oh wow.

Oh wow, Devin is sinking into the deep right now and he's grasping at any buoy. I'm not saving your life. I don't really quite remember what I was trying to say in jest that night, but it's just a feeling I have that black guys in England aren't the same as black Americans. They didn't go through a slavery,

I don't know what their little bullshit slavery was out there, but they don't have that same history. And they don't have, black American culture is American culture and is kind of now world culture. So it just feels odd. And they all sound, there's no part of England where they sound like they're from fuckin' Atlanta. Or Chicago, or New York, they don't have,

there's not burros of blackness. Oh, I was gonna go a step further, literally the reason I don't think they're black is because they don't talk like black people from Atlanta. They should be in England, literally. I mean, that's what Devin's saying. That's kinda what I was saying. Literally, they're like, let me ask you a question.

It's super ignorant, and I know that they go through the same shit, blah, blah, blah. I guess. Then we kept saying they don't have culture. And we're like, well, they're from countries that they have culture. They're Nicaraguan, or whatever the fuck. No, that's not Nicaraguan.

No, not Nicaraguan. I don't know. Dominican's black to me. You wanted the change. Yeah, that fails the paperback test. It was the first time Connor stood up. He goes, I can't believe Ben is the least racist person in the paper bag test. It was the first time, Connor stood up and he goes, I can't believe Ben is the least racist person in the room right now.

Well, you actually kind of just like, just opened the door up for me. To, for what? What is there, black culture is not Sudanese culture. Black Americans don't fuck with Africans, they don't give a shit about African people. They don't care. You're saying you want your own brand new thing.

It's not, it's okay, like how Jews all pretend like they give a shit about Israel, because they're like, we're Jews, we gotta stick together. And all of a sudden, I care about my fake Arab background when they don't give a shit. You've never once fucking been in Memphis and heard like Willie Stringbean Johnson give a shit about like some local militia

destroying a village in like the Congo. He doesn't care. He doesn't relate to Africa. He's black American. They're a new, black Americans are different people. And that's what I meant by that. And that's what I meant by that and that's what I meant by they're not real blacks Ergo

You're like no no, I'm that you go I will pull you go no no I want everyone to know I'm not kidding This isn't a bit. They're not Sick of pretending. They're real boy. I'm me right now, and they're jealous of real black people. I'm sorry, I just don't, oi, hey. Hey, brov. Hey, brov, you won't get poked up. That's not a black guy. Sorry, you're not a black guy that I know. Okay, David. Don't know any black guys.

Talk about knives. Paint me a picture of a real black guy in Britain. If he really wanted to assimilate with real black culture, but he's in Britain and he still talks like that. What's he gotta do? He's 21 Savage, that's what he does. He fucking grows up in Atlanta.

Moves to Atlanta. Moves to Atlanta. Pretends to be a black guy from America. And you gotta get involved in a lot of seedy behavior. Black seedy behavior. No, I mean, I literally, listen, this only goes so far with my defense, because I know it's insane. They're all. No, no, no, keep going.

Keep going. But like, yeah, I don't know, I just, I don't feel it. When I was out there and I was, you know, we met some black guys. And you know what's interesting? Muslims are the blacks in Europe. Thank you, Ben. Unfortunately.

And I feel. And I gotta say, I kinda had a couple black Uber drivers, they smelled like Muslims. They're all assimilators. I can vouch for that too. And. I never had a black guy with BO driving me around America. Not once have I ever had a black Uber driver.

That's because they're all selling cologne out the back of the car. They've never been stinky. But the black guys that drove me around London smelled. They smelled. And I was like, this is different. Something's off here. At some point I was like, is this just a really dark Indian guy?

Dude, I've never met a black guy that doesn't give a shit about how he smells or what he's gone on. They also are the type of black where they kind of look more like Nightcrawler from X-Men than they do a black guy to me. Black guys in London were slobs. I've never met a black slob here.

I've, you could, I could meet a black guy with 25 cents to his name and he looks pretty fucking good. He fucking spent it all on shoes and haircut. Remember we saw the fucking black guy, he had a fucking fresh haircut, one day old haircut. He was just walking out of the barber shop. Yeah. With this dead bit of shit.

Yeah, there's just, there's some intangible things that are different that make me feel like black guys in the UK are not real Hey everybody hello fresh hello fresh since farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes right to your door Home cooking can finally be easy fun and affordable Check out their taste of summer recipes like vegan firecracker mushroom rice bowl or sweet Thai chili pork lettuce wraps. Hello Fresh has sent us a lot of boxes.

It's full of great ingredients. I know Devon's made a couple of good meals. But you don't even have to follow the meals. You can just use the great ingredients to make meals on your own like I have. So if you're heading on vacation this summer, don't worry about your food going to waste on your doorstep. You can update your delivery address to get your box sent to you on vacation or pause

your plan until you get home. So go to HelloFresh.com slash lemon apps for free appetizers for life. One appetizer item per box while subscription is active. That's free appetizers for life at HelloFresh.com slash L E M O N A P P S HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Thank you HelloFresh, now back to the show. It's so insane. He ruined the party. He ended a party. Devin ended everything. I wrapped up.

Actually everyone left. Everyone was like, okay. The host kept standing up. He's like, alright, I think my neighbors probably don't like the noise. And Devin's like, no, no, no, I want everyone to know. I want everyone to know I'm not doing a bit. I'm not doing a ha ha. This is real. They're not real back.

You see on Nextdoor, the next day on Nextdoor, somebody's like, did anyone hear somebody doubling down on a bit really hard last night? hear somebody doubling down on a bit? Really hard last night? They like, he like tripled down on the bit, like way too high. It is all because we're watching UFC and every UFC match is like some Muslim guy versus like some.

No, yeah, there was a Leon, some black dude was fighting and they were like, he's from like London or something. Right. And then I don't know what else. Oh yeah, Leon, it was a and they were like, he's from London or something. And then I don't know what else. Oh yeah, Leon, it was a black guy named Leon, everybody that was around him, he was surrounded by five black dudes and they all sounded like they were in Snatch. Yeah.

And it was like, what is going on? It was like the crap from the little mermaid dancing around there. It threw me off, it threw me off. It was really strange. And I think people have an idea where I'm coming from. By the way, no, this is coming from any really hateful place. He couldn't get it out, he started throwing up.

You can't get out the lie. Yeah, he was gonna lie, he threw up. He's choking on his lie. No, but seriously, I'm actually, I hope black Americans are like, hell yeah, like, get him, Dad. Yeah, I gotta say, black Americans hate every black person that isn't them.

Well, isn't there a war already of Africans versus black guys in America? Cause they're like, so I had an African roommate in college freshman year. Was he from Africa? No, he was a black guy. Oh, just call him black guy. Oh yeah, why'd I call him African?

Yeah, he's just a black guy. Jesus, fucking broke guy over here. Relax, Keith Olbermann. Well, the reason- That's more offensive to call him the African guy. So he used to sit on a, we had a couch, and when we moved out, I took one of the cushions off. There were 300 Q-tips in the couch cushion

filled with wax, and he would sit there for nine hours straight watching cartoons, and he had a big thing of cocoa butter. He kept squeezing and rubbing all over his body. It was the first time I thought the N word in my head. I only let myself think it once. Like in a really like. What did he do?

What did he do that you thought it? I took the cushion out of the couch when I was moving everything out of the dorm at the end of the year and I go, fucking in my head. Cause it was a nest of Q-tips and they were brown and gunked together and I was like, you motherfucker!

Because he left a mess. Yeah, yeah. That was really bad mess. A really inwardly mess. Jesus Christ, dude. Dude, what the hell? This is the Patreon, dude. What the hell?

This is the Patreon now. What are you doing? No, he was gross. It was gross what he did and I thought the word. You just thought the worst thing to say. I didn't, because I hate, he was pissing me off and I thought it. the worst thing to say I did it because I hate

Pissing me off and I thought it yeah, I didn't say it right Story of horribly you go this guy's putting cocoa butter over his leg is first time I ever thought of the n-word It just it was it smelled really bad We're studying him like he was a zoologist he's like like, oh, they have to lubricate themselves to stay alive. Cocoa butter also smells great. But the Q-tips, that's annoying. Okay, if it smells so good, fag it. Why doesn't your house smell like it, you piece of shit? Because I don't need it, because my skin is beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, and silky smooth.

Super dry and flaky. Just how people like it. Just how God intended. Flaking, my elbows look like shit. My elbows look like the safari desert. Sahara desert. I'll look like a Komodo dragon in five years. Look, I'm not ashamed, I just thought, I thought it,

but it was the first time I was like, oh fuck, is that word in my head as like a pejorative kind of bat? Because I was really against saying that word in college because guys would use it and I would tell them to stop using it and they'd call me gay. Right, right, right. That's how they referred to black people

and I'd be like, that's disgusting, you can't do that. And they'd go, just wait, you're gonna start a podcast one day. They'd go, Ben, we know your future. But he set me down once and he, I remember family guy was on and I was sitting next to him and he was talking shit about one of the football players on the team and he was like, he was saying something, I can't remember what it was exactly but he explained to me, he goes, you know, we look at African dudes, because he had an African last name.

He was a dark guy. his parents came over later. His parents came over later. His parents, he wasn't the ancestors of slaves. So he goes, I always laugh when I see a black dude with a white man's last name, because I know he got caught. He goes, and I didn't get caught. Was this guy doing bad open mics at the time? I've seen that maybe 40 times by horrible bad black comedians.

Oh, well that was the first time I ever heard it explained to me that they go, oh, you weren't fast enough and you got caught with the net or however they did it. Right. So yeah, anyway, floors back to you guys. I just was a gander. You're like, oh, actually I think the camera on me broke. So it's all, you guys go ahead. Oh, what, we weren't recording?

Ah, damn. It's like I'm proud of it. I'm ashamed to even admit it, but yeah. I think he did the Q-tip thing. He thought it was gross, but it was out of a lack of respect for you. I think that's why he did it. He had no respect for me, and I think he walked in

on me masturbating once. And I fucking, I always resented him for that. Cause one time I was, I left the shower going and I was hunched over the toilet jacking off like a chimpanzee. You were jacking off like you were married? Like very quickly. Yeah.

Like very, very quickly. Oh, like an efficient, efficient kind of. Oh, you were jacking off like in the master when he's on the beach. Yeah, like I was jacking off, I was a circle C masturbating. I was like an old Chinese woman, fuck with a cock.

I was a trans old Chinese, and I was fucking jacking off circle C, and as soon as I, No Devan, that actually, I'll vouch for that. That makes sense. Okay, so they're like this. Yeah, yeah. This is how they jack off.

Old Chinese women jack off? No, you didn't. Well they have cocks if they're trans. Oh, okay. I got, what, old Asian women can't be, have dicks? I gotcha, yeah, yeah. They can't have dicks anymore? No, no, it makes perfect sense.

Keep going, I don't wanna interrupt. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, then we'll get back to you explaining to me what a real black is. We will. Fairly, you're the progressive one on the show, you know? Anyways, so did you? Did you?

Did you buy this, did you buy that anime shirt to talk shit about black people better? That's so funny. So I fucking, I had the bathroom door closed and as the showers going to whack it off real quick in the toilet and I like I went I sprayed into the toilet with perfect precision mm-hmm, and I turned around and the bathroom door was cracked like this and I was like motherfucker I Said like motherfucker out loud really cuz I was like, motherfucker! I said like, motherfucker out loud. Really?

Because I was like, fuck! Like, he knew the shower was going, and he still opened the door. I still don't know to this day if it opened on accident. I'm pretty sure it didn't. Because I had it locked, but I think he jiggled it open because he like really needed to piss and didn't care that I was taking a shower.

And he just, he saw me doing this, and he panicked so much he just left the door open. Yeah, yeah. No, that guy went and like bought- And then he went and talked shit about me to everybody he knew. No, but he, I can guarantee- He's like, guess what I just saw?

I can guarantee he hates black people so much he went and like bought a chick and he like rubbed the blood on the door and shit. He did like his mom's folk war to stop him from, protect him from getting sexually assaulted by a gay man. Yeah. The only time I ever got, I got walked on once in college and it was literally, somebody walked in to tell me

Osama bin Laden had died and I was jacking off. Are you serious? I swear to God, I swear to God, I was like in my fucking bed, like cranking my shit, like I was like, okay, it's like whatever time, nobody's home. And I had, I was laid a blanket over me just to be safe because they didn't have like locks on the door. And my friend Patches literally like burst in the door

and I just, you just see me, I put my knees up so it would just cover the outline of my penis. So it's just clearly, you know, I'm not just laying in bed with my knees up in the air with a blanket over it and he goes we killed Osama Bin Laden by the way, and then he just walked out and I was like, okay You had a really interesting summer where you read infinite jest You jacked off all the time and you ran 12 miles a day Yeah, and then like what do you like you'd eat like one meal a day was like taco bueno

No, no, no, I would literally it was it was a period of my life never looked better. By the way I would run it really good in those. Yeah, I was back. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was dying I was thinking about jumping out of windows at the time, but I would run nine miles a day. I would drink half of a frozen pizza a smoke a pack of cigarettes You said drink. Oh yeah, I blended it up. You blended up a frozen pizza. I had so little respect for myself, I didn't think I deserved to eat food anymore.

No, I would eat half a frozen pizza, then I would drink like 10 beers, and that was my fucking diet every day. And I looked amazing. Yeah. Yeah, you could lose weight with beers. Yeah. Maybe I should start again

I never got caught jacking off really though. I never have officially got caught that And I would I would test it I remember one time I was at my grandma's place and I was watching the Lakers and This is when it was just like a fun thing You didn't even need anything to jack off to you were just like dude I could fucking I could pull this thing up in seconds and just come. And, uh. Like quick draw?

My grandma ordered food or something and she left the condo and I was like, I might have like a minute and a half. I jacked off of the couch in like 45 seconds. Ran to the bathroom, cleaned it up. Like Mission Impossible. And I walked out of the bathroom and she's walking in like I got

That's great Yep, yeah Yeah, I got caught by Ida once jacking up. Yeah. Yeah, and then it just turned into a fuck No, cuz she had the she had to run out. It was weird. She ran out of the house, and I was like, I think she's gone. And then I just started jacking up. You didn't even wait to hear the key turn. Just the door swinging closed.

Because she was taking forever to get ready or some shit. And then she's like, all right, got to go. You knew two hours before she was about to leave that you were going to jack off the sack. Yeah, because I'm like, fuck, I tried, all right, gotta go. You knew two hours before she was about to leave that you were gonna jack off the sack that she got out of there. Yeah, because I'm like, you know, fuck, I tried to rape her in the bathroom. She like, fought me off.

Yes! Fine, fine, this is what you want. You win again. You win again. The soap was slippery, what can I say? Didn't have traction. Yeah, she walked, she came up, and then she came to the back of the house because she didn't have the key

So I was like I thought it was like a home invader and I was like But yeah, you know, it was all a nice fun time now that's good Yeah Just slams your head on the table Okay I can tell you I got caught by Kelly one time but I think she didn't even notice. It was literally, I was visiting her. I would usually save up nine days worth of comm to visit because I wanted to, you know. And if you do that, you can fuck them as many times as possible. You still want that hand. Still, still I know I'm coming inside the woman

I love and I go if I could just be jerking off right now only I could shoot this at the wall If only I could be looking at fucking em Siri Siri doll on X videos right now God, this would be so much better than a woman. I love and I so, no, I'd saved up nine days of evil goo to just throw at my girlfriend when I got there. And she, the minute I landed, she got her period. Like first day, period. So I was so horny that I waited for her to go to sleep and then I snuck out of our Airbnb into like the little,

like almost like shared kind of, they told us like we might be walking through here, like shared common area. Got on the couch and then I just started cranking my shit on the couch, like phone, fucking an inch from my face, lighting up my face. And she just had to go piss so she walked out. But she was so sleepy, she didn't realize that I froze. I literally froze like, I froze like I was in Jurassic Park. I was like it finally happened and she just walked right past and didn't realize that I I froze right right right I literally froze like I froze like I was in Jurassic Park

I was like it finally happened, and she just she just walked right past and even say she turns her head like a t-rex That like echo location jumps on top of the couch Yeah, so we never it didn't. I she wouldn't care but like I don't know I just I would feel. No it was a horrible feeling. Yeah. When I had to walk. What did she say? She was like where we I was like I I just I didn't even have to admit it I could have just said like I was taking my pants off and about to change but I just. I was about to shit in the couch. Yeah I felt so guilty I was like I was jacking off and she was. Yeah, I felt so guilty. I was like, I was jacking off.

And she was like, she asked, what was I watching? And I was like, I don't know, shut the fuck up. That rules. That's so awesome. I was like, I don't know, I turned it where I got to be pissed. I was like, how dare you? I don't know, who gives a shit when I was watching?

I need my private time, and I've told you this. What do you want out of me? This fucking shit-plop scene from Hustle and Flow. I don't know who gives a shit. I need my private time and I've told you This joke it was a scene where they're in the bathroom getting the tape I just think that's really cool I was reading the passages from super heads memoir Iceberg slim heard of him, bitch I think that's really cool. I was reading passages from SuperHead's memoir. Iceberg Slim, heard of him, bitch. Yeah. It's awesome. I do think you are a huge, I've always thought you're a huge fucking loser

if you get walked in on masturbating. It's actually never happened to me, not by my parents, not by loved ones nothing Clean record. Yeah, but you don't jack off You also have like obviously like a really weird like you're like one of these like queers that like has sex like once a year for his kid You're obviously that time they got some sterile fat. Yeah, you obviously go like okay Oh, you like Ned Flanders sex like Like, okay, that's my first baby. Okay, well honey, it's quarter three,

so I think we're due for another, it's almost November. I picture you having like election sex. Ha ha ha ha. How dare you? You told us yourself you don't jack off. You think, well, I have a healthy sex life. Oh, sure. What do you, you actually think,

you think I have this cock and I don't use it. How dare you. You're really pissed off about the new studio, aren't you? Because you can't show off your fucking giant cock when you're fucking beige shorts anymore. By the way, you think with how much my personality sucks ass, that my wife's staying with me with no sex? Come on, guys.

Yeah. Let's be honest. Yeah, I think she's been beaten into a corner by your retardation. She's now, you know, Katie is like you. You've somehow like transformed her into like being okay with just saying gay and retard all the time. You're a cult leader that doesn't fuck. That now has two members.

Yeah, you're the only cult leader that's not in it for the sex. I'm the first domestic abuse case where I've never touched her even. I've never had physical contact with her. I've never done anything actually. She and Cor just like, he didn't even really say anything mean,

but just, you know, I'm gonna play this podcast real quick and you decide. No, I'm kidding. I actually have always had an idea that you fucking, you fuck. And suck. I mean, I don't think I say anything mean, but just, you know, I'm gonna play this podcast real quick and you decide. No, I'm kidding. I actually have always had an idea that you fucking, you fuck. And suck. I mean, I don't think I'm good at it, but like, you know, when two lovebirds, you know.

You look like you fuck with Velcro shoes on. Yeah. By the way, I've always, I'm not- Velcro on the sole so he can get more traction. And I'm cutting- Like he sticks it into the floor. I'm cutting to myself on the soul so you can get more traction And I'm gonna be sticks it into the floor I'm cutting to myself here so I can like look in like I won't look away from you when I tell you this I know I'm not gay by the way, and there's been millions of comments on the internet about me being a gay guy Sounds like a man explaining. Yeah, I'm letting them know I have to look them in the eye. They don't believe nothing does better for PR

Never blown up on anyone Is an honest I'm not gay. Okay. I've never even watched gay porn even on accident. That's how not gay I am. Mm-hmm. I've never had Any sort of gay I've never had any gay fantasy. I've never nothing like that. This is never happened to me You saw I'm gonna watch you sound really gay right now, but I think if I You sound really gay right now, but I think if I Through some like mishap like I got you know guys go to like a death row

But they didn't do anything wrong and like you know they're completely innocent sure if something like that happened to me where I was Like this is the story of a hurricane that was me Yeah, I think obviously I'd be someone's bitch in prison like pretty much immediately I think I think I'd be pretty good at it And on top of that I think I'd be pretty good at it. And on top of that, I think I'd actually be like, I think my butt, like my ass would be pretty great. My bussy would be some top shelf stuff. And even though I would feel like deep shame over like getting erections from having my prostate and stimulated by a giant man.

Yeah. And coming. I've always thought I would. And coming, even though I'm not into it at all. From getting ass fucked, not even a giant man. And coming. I've always thought I would. And coming, even though I'm not into it at all. Forgetting ass fuck, not even a retrain. I think I'd be proud of being some top shelf bussy. I've always thought I would. I just wanted to say that, but I'm not gay.

But I've always thought I'd be good at it. So real quick, I'm not gay, but I've always thought I would dominate prison as a gay sex slave. I have this fantasy that I I rule in prison Just for myself a seat Can I say it would be so funny if this all happened you went to prison and then everybody the guy fucked He's like this guy's asshole You just your dick's huge somebody else like fuck me I'll do some stuff. Come on, your dick's huge. Somebody else like fuck me.

I'll practice on more guys and then we'll be good. I can do like kegels and shit. They're like, this shit is wide open! You're terrified. I think I'd be good. Would you guys don't think like some... I 100% think you'd be amazing. I think you'd be amazing. I think I would be in the other cell block competing with you. I think Devin would be losing.

I think because you need attention. You're needy. Yeah, I'd be like, no. I think Devin. No one sucks better than Debbie. Yeah, I think Devin would be in the cell block. He would get like a mop wig like Scooby Doo and he'd be going, yo, boys.

Boys. Yo. And if I was in prison, I'd be a cell block down for you guys just hanging from a rope just swinging And then a guy Myself a guy breaks in and starts sucking my cock and I go no Right before I die fucking rapes me I can see that yeah Yeah, no, I've always thought I would dominate prison. I would like run everybody. I would I would get in their heads I'd be like, you know, he gave it to me better than you last night

And I'm not even gay. I'm not even gay, you're the faggot. Yeah, they're like, well. Me, walking around with a fucking shoe string up my ass, like a thong. Yeah, people are like, yeah, Devon was like the Troy of prison, the whole army of Troy went to war for him.

Dude, I think I would do a thing where like I turn around, like I pull my pants like back up and I go, was that good, did you come? Did you bust? Did you like, oh I'm wet down there. Okay, yeah, okay you did. So did you like it? That's awesome.

All right, I'll see you tonight. No, no, Betty. Betty. Alright, I'll see you tonight. No, no, Ben, you're just... Ben, he would be like, he'd be like, that's good, that's good. And you're like, okay. And then like later as you're like spooning him at night, you'd be like, but like, was it like really actually good?

Am I the, am I your first orgasm? Like, am I the, am I the Titus? To be honest with you, if I'm not the Titus, tell me. You'd be like, ugh, again with this. We'd all dominate prison, dude, because we're all gays, though. Yeah, I would rule, actually. Fuck. You guys could use me like a little,

just, you know, fucking gay bodyguard. I'd like hold guys down so you could fuck them and shit. That would be nice. If you wanted to. I don't even know if I'd ever get that horny where I'd wanna fuck like a big fucking disgusted man. That's a lot. I thought you were about to go,

I don't know if I get to where I'd just suck a big fat, beautiful, succulent, juicy ass cock until it came. Like there's, dude there's this thing like you want black people like think you're cool Black angle to a little bit of like if there was like a big like being Rames guy in prison I would if he thought oh Yeah, there is a special in prison. I'm big. That's kind of cool. There's a white. There's a white guilt aspect Yeah, like you want that thing right? You want things to be like you know that that dude's ass is spitting

That you can spit I get that They some real pipe hitting crackles. Yeah, you do you do great you did wonders with the Aryan Brotherhood You could be like the court jester for the Aryan Brotherhood. Let's be honest. I'd be again I would be like the I'd be the the Aryan Brotherhood. But let's be honest, I'd be, again, I would be like, I'd be the pussy of the neon, they'd all fucking rape, they'd fucking rape me. They'd think I'm gay and not hard enough. Yeah, but they'd be like, we know you're an ironic Nazi.

Which is, God spits out the lukewarm. They're like, you went half ass on that trans rant on the podcast. We heard that. You suck. I'd be the one that gets into their heads, you know, and I'd like make them want it more. I'd be like, honey, you need to do better with that stamina. You think I'm going to come from 15 minutes?

I said, motherfucker, I need to come. How do you when you come as a gay guy getting fucked in the ass is coming shitting on their. Yeah, I didn't even shit. David, can I tell you what actually, this is true, what actually happens is the guy fucks you in the ass, you shit, come, and then you raise up in the air off of his penis with a pillar of shit. That's what gay people do.

Uh huh. Yep. I didn't make it up. That's what they make up. Oh no. Man, this should be illegal They should go to prison And get fucked man comedy really is the last line of defense against the mind virus We're kind of like freedom fighters if you think about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe we got this

You know this election coming up here, but You know you got Trump I'm not I got Kamala the clown. Kamala. You call her Kamala. You might as well call her the N word though according to MSNBC. You gotta call her Kamala. Is that real? Yeah because everyone's pronouncing it like Tiki Masala. They're saying that if you say Kamala that it's racist but you gotta say Kamala. Okay well I'm voting for Trump. Well then it turns out she's fucking not even a black American according to the right.

She's Indian. She's Indian and Caribbean. According to the, we also know Caribbean people not black. Caribbean, which makes sense, that's why she's been nursing an old man for four years. Am I right? Am I right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. You start banging your head against the wall. 824 Nick Cage moving. Yeah. Devin goes long legs on us. Who gives a shit about anything happening right now? If you give a shit about the news, blow your head off. Yeah, kill yourself.

You are a fag. You stink. Nobody cares. Nothing's going to happen. We're all going to die with no money in our pockets.. You stink, nobody cares, nothing's gonna happen, we're all gonna die with no money in our pockets. But I think, Devon, but I think, oh but I think, but I think. What do you think?

God, it's just the fucking timeline. It makes me so mad. Then it just never stops. It never stops. Yeah. Do you think that any of these people give a fucking shit about you whatsoever? I'm way more invested right now in the comedy mothership documentary. That's

Crawler I think it's called like Nighthawks. Yeah, yeah Yeah I wait for that to get shot up like the Batman movie Like a Rora Anywhere But yeah, I know that I'm excited for that I love community we should run out of name see and we should play Nighthawks and

then we should play the Louie masturbating documentary dude I was gonna go see the Louie doctor it was playing it where the Lemley Glendale explain to the folks at home what the movie called sorry not sorry I think we talked about the podcast on the podcast. On the Patreon. Patreon like months ago or something. It's called Sorry Not Sorry. I didn't know it was out and it was in theaters. It was at the Lemley Glendale, but I couldn't make it

because I was too busy helping work on the studio and do things with my life because I have a life and I'm not just a drunk. Not like. I don't just go around all day talking about how black people in England are not real. But I was gonna go see the Louie, the Louie doc, and I really wanted to go and wear a mask and gloves

and take a picture out in front. That's great. But I missed it, they only showed it for like, it was in theaters for like a total of eight hours. Yeah, I said you, Joe, and John should've gotten and started jacking off while watching it. I would've happily gotten arrested for that bit. Like Pee-wee Herman getting dragged out.

I'm jacking off to Michael Ian Black talking about Louie. Yeah, but yeah, and then there's, I don't really know, is this mothership movie gonna really come out it just I just the Trailer I saw somebody told me about it today or something online It looks you know, I don't know Ben's gonna be in the movie now Yeah, Ben, you'll be in it. Wait. Why will we I'm sorry? I'm trying to get sanded bit, but I don't get why I'm in it because you're a comedian now You're gonna be a nighthawks. Oh, that's right. Yeah, You should really try to infiltrate that gay ass community like a mole.

August 10th, the Virgil, me and Conor McNaught stand up. Yeah, but you should fly out to Austin and just talk about how like comedies like jazz, if you think about it. Oh man, god damn it. Look at you. God damn it. No, don't do this to me.

I know what you're trying to do. Don't do this to me. You'll be out doing a round table with David Lucas and a retarded guy with no arms. Yeah. You're the last. You'll be on a round table with guys who have three years left to live.

You're gonna, you're signing up to be the last line of defense against honesty. Yeah, I don't know about you guys. No, we get it, we get it. You'll be fucking, you'll be talking about community. Right, island of misfit toys. You guys just don't get it. I already, I have to keep myself in check so much

on this podcast, because I don't want to become like a reactionary guy, because now I'm having thoughts in my head where like, I saw the Taylor Swift Muslim thing. Here, let me switch the camera. What is that? Because I don't want to. Some fucking savage. There's a Taylor Swift dance. Some guy, I don What is that? Cause I don't wanna. Some fucking savage. There's a Taylor Swift dance.

Some guy, I don't know some. I have no problem calling him savage. I don't know if he's Muslim, his name might have been. Yes he is. His name might have been Phillip Ryan. He fucking is. Oh he is? His name is Ollie, ah da da, ba ba ba. Okay so some fucking rag head decided.

Jesus, I'm sorry. No fuck him. I'm Leban. No, fuck him! Fuck him, he stabbed a bunch of kids at a dance hall where they're dancing to Taylor Swift. You guys forget who I am and Israel just invaded my country. And I try to forget it every day. Israel, I know. I know you don't. Even though you're on the side of Palestinians.

Well, like, listen, you're very confused, racist. Devin, I told you before, I'm not pro Palestinian I just hate Jews I've said this many times I like how we're like this is the public this is the public okay so no I don't know so apparently we were Ben and I were driving back from Best Buy and I saw some comment on online on one of our podcasts or whatever

They were like something about like the Taylor Swift Stabbings and I was like what the fuck and I was like, hey Ben did something happen as I'm driving Mm-hmm Ben looked it up and what has it been like a seven? Seven kids were stabbed one died and it was at a in the you I think England It was in Liverpool living. Yeah. Yeah, they were they were dancing to Taylor Swift. It was like a Taylor Swift thing. It was like a school where you- It wasn't a concert. They were just dancing to Swift.

It wasn't a concert. You go to a school to like learn Taylor Swift music. Like pop dancing or whatever. It doesn't really matter. It was just a dance class for kids. They were dancing to Taylor Swift songs. Bottom line is children were stabbed by another one of these-

A beautiful minority. These refugees. Yeah. These minorities in England. The ones out here are fine. And a guy that's a part of the most retarded fucking religion with the worst text and culture to fucking back it up, ran in there with a knife

and stabbed kids in the name of God or whatever. I think there's a lot of beautiful things in the Quran, so I'm relaxed with that. But like. Yeah, apparently, by the way I think there's a lot of beautiful things in the Quran so I relax. Yeah, come on, but like yeah Yeah, apparently that by the way apparently there's like the barely supposed to wash your privates five times a day Well, that's good. You're right so much Yeah, actually I can't. Very good, Jase. Yeah, actually, you know what? When I saw that story, as we were driving home,

I go, fuck Palestine. No, I don't know what's a. Sorry, the top 28 terrorist organizations in the world are all the Islamic faith, so I mean, you know. There's, look, I'm not a statistics guy, and So I mean, you know, there's, look I'm not a statistics guy and I know the, you know, whatever. I don't know, I just, I don't want to become

a reactionary guy that like, and I also don't want to become a dipshit that gets upset about stuff. But like, I mean, Jesus Christ, enough. I think it was seven, eight months ago, didn't want to, didn't. And here in this liberal bubble we live in, we're supposed to pretend it's like a beautiful,

awesome thing that they, you know, fucking have mats and you know. Well 9-11 happened and then we were like, you get to host The Daily Show of Muhammad. Yeah. Yeah. And then, Sorry for being so upset about that.

To be fair, the religion is very prejudiced against women and we do like that. I don't like women, and I understand, but if they... The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Exactly. If you think about it. But at the same time, you know, I mean, I don't think women would have crashed into the World Trade Center.

I don't think they would have. They wouldn't even have found it, ladies and gentlemen. They would have got lost. But I wasn't like six, seven months ago, didn't this happen in Ireland too? Didn't a refugee stab a bunch of kindergartners? Yeah, I know it happens all the time. Yeah, this is not good.

And when I was there, no one tried to stab me, and they were lovely people. And none of this represents all of them, obviously, as with anybody. I've told you, I've heard that in England, a lot of people are like dude like not even like To be fuck these people like it's much worse Than it is in America like they move there and they don't

They like double down on like even like guys from their Muslim countries are like dude This is like this guy like went insane. They just double down on like their Muslim. Yeah. Yeah here It's a little it's a little more nuanced out there When I was there in London a lot of a lot of locals When I would tell them where I was which was a predominantly Muslim neighborhood, I would say where I'm good. I'm staying and they go. Oh boy Hmm, and these are like wannabe liberal sure Londoners or whatever, but I be like, oh interesting. There's a there's a definite like I Think even the liberals out there kind of starting to get like they're like, let's get them out a little. Yeah, I think so

I think so. I don't you know, you just can't people cross the border and now they're in. And you never know what they're up to. You got Donald Chump over here and Kamala the Clown over there. Yeah, the fucking, you know, Kamala. I am Kamala Harris and I, I just tried Call of the Quest. I used to love Tribe Called Quest.

And I, you gotta get serious, you go, but I sucked Montell Williams dick. You gotta end laughing real quick, go serious. So is it officially her? What? She got all the delegates, right? She's the nominee, I think. I think so, I kind of honestly stopped

fucking paying attention. Once Joe Biden died and got replaced by a taller clone, I stopped paying attention. Yeah, I don't, it gives a shit. Yeah. We just gotta get these, we gotta get these Muslims out of here. Yeah.

No. Yeah, I don't know if it was a Muslim guy. And see, that's the thing. Was it not a Muslim guy? It said he was from, his parents were from Rwanda. Oh, that'd be terrible. So it's an illegal immigrant thing, I think. See, this is what I'm saying. I don't wanna become a reactionary guy. Oh, from Rwanda. But I saw Twitter be terrible. So it's an illegal immigrant thing, I think. See, this is what I'm saying. I don't want to become a reactionary guy.

Oh, from Rwanda. But I saw Twitter accounts, I think, tweeting that he was. I heard it was Billy Elliot. He was tap dancing all through Liverpool. Put knives on his shoes and started stabbing people. Yeah. Well, Rwandans are.

Are they Muslim? I thought they were Christian. This is why I can't even form opinions about things, because I don't even know. I've no idea what's going on. Yeah, I got to say, if you have to go to the library to figure out your racist talking point, like you've kind of wasted your life as well. Maybe it was just a guy that didn't practice good old

fashioned Christianity, bub. Yeah, return to Christianity. Maybe the guy wasn't just a fucking American that has ideals. And instead of a knife knife he takes a gun Mm-hmm. So what happens when they take prayer out of schools? We'll tell you. Yeah No, it's all fucked up. Everything's bad and these next three months are gonna be an utter hell in our country Yeah, and you just slowly watch people get sucked into the fucking

Black hole of getting really obsessed with politics. What do you look at, Ben, play it. Well, I'm trying to figure out, but they're bad at identifying who does it and stuff, so I'm like, cause it's like, I don't know, man. I like America when there's a shooting, they tell us the name of the guy and everything. Oh, they rush that out like the Pony Express.

Yeah. They're like, that's the first thing we gotta get out there. And I'm not gonna just trust like Tim Pool type accounts to tell me what's actually going On because I don't want to be a reactionary retard who just see I don't want to jump Automatically to like, you know Islam stuff just because it is a stabbing in England. Mm-hmm So, you know, that is all they're allowed to do. Yeah because they're a weak country

They can't do shootings because they're weak. They only have stabbings. Yeah, exactly. So like You guys see that video of that guy? What in his uber no three guys in the new burn London? Yeah, and They this was it the fake taxi. Yeah, it was the fake This retarded uber driver just like you know like kind of like seemingly not retarded But like you know maybe a little slow okay? Like kind of like seemingly not retarded, but like, you know, maybe a little slow. Okay Like Indian guy or whatever drops them off and they all go. Alright, bro. Thanks, bro You know and they get out and the guy sitting in the middle seat gets out and then it turns out to be like a hit

On his life all these guys run up to him and like try stabbing him to death He's he jumps back in the uber closes the doors But the windows are open and these guys are just trying to stab him to death through the windows, and he's like, drive, drive, bro, drive! And the driver's just like, oh no! This is bad, oh no! He keeps thinking about his windows,

he's like, this car's all I have. It's all stink up. This car's all I have, and this guy's literally fighting off two different people like a fucking like action movie. They're trying to stab him in the neck They're stabbing him in the arm. It's fucked up Jesus Finally this retarded driver steps on it a little bit and gets off and the guys are gonna pay you a pay fuck go go Go, and he's like checking his arms. He's believe arms Go go go and he's like checking his arms. He's just bleep arms

Fucked up crazy video crazy Jesus and then he gets a little far away into the immigrant driver just turned around and stabbed He goes I don't want to do this, but I'm an immigrant in London, so I have to sorry Yeah, no, that's the that's the crazy thing problem Is as I found one account that is reporting that pretty big and then people under it is saying it's misinformation And then the other ones are saying that and then he's tweeting about it people under them saying he's spreading Yeah, I don't I don't know what you'll know you never really know it's a post-truth society. They said Like channel three over there Says 17 year old Ali Ali shakati from banks has been arrested in connection with the Southport stabbings is currently in police custody. He was an MI six watch list

and known to Liverpool mental health. What was his name? What was his name? And then the readers had a scrabble back here that he was an asylum seeker arrived in the UK by boat last year. Then on next day added a thing saying this is untrue. The police have confirmed suspect was born in Cardiff, Wales and therefore cannot be an asylum seeker. So I don't I don't I have no idea man. I got no idea But that's why you can't just like, you know read one a Twitter account and then you know, obviously This is why I try to stay out of it

I really I tried to calm myself down because I jumped to a wrong According to this according to this account on X from channel this I don't know if it's a real Twitter account But as 1.5 million impressions so the 17 year old Ali al-shikadi and if I search that a lot of some accounts do report that some don't some most of them don't name them because I guess he's a minor so they're not naming it so I get oh they also try to not I don't know I'm trying to don't name them in England because they don't want to give them like right by them yeah so I don't know I'm trying to don't name them in England because they don't want to give them like Right by them. Yes. I don't know if that leaked and like only one counts posting it

But yeah, I entertain everybody is saying it's a it's an immigrant or whatever. I don't know if it was I don't know what it is Just happens, let's do a fun little game gun to our head. Mm-hmm. Who is it Muslim? It's a Muslim named Ali Ali Muhammad Ali. Right, like you just said from the 1.5 million? He's saying we don't know if that's actually his name or if that's false reported. We don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe his name is Muhammad Muhammad Ali. But I think Ben is trying to say there are definitely people who like, wait for the name and then they're like, the shooter was Alex Smith and they go that didn't that's bullshit Yeah, that didn't happen No, there's so many shootings now where they report wrongly on who it actually was and if this was in America I'd be much more like it could be fucking anybody in the UK I they are doing they're doing a lot of staff staff. Feels a little more like it's the other.

When I searched it on Twitter when Devon told me about it in the car, I searched and that was the first thing that popped up on my Twitter. So I just thought that, but I was like, London doesn't get it wrong. I always wait for mass shootings in America. I'm like, I gotta wait a couple of days to figure out who the shooter actually was and what was going on.

There's so much misinformation. You gotta do like your own investigation, like talk like boots on the ground. I fly there Yeah, start going live on Periscope I'm the only guy on Periscope You and Brody Stevens old account I'm walking to Prince Donuts. Yeah, like Tom Green used to do it makes no sense But again, this is my instincts are correct.

I need to shut the fuck up and I have opinions about things and I think, I'll turn it to me right now. I think Muslims, it's beautiful. I think Islam is a beautiful religion. Let me find out who did the stabbing. Yeah, good luck, Devin. Let me Google Muslim guy stabbing in London. Oh, my phone is smoking. Hold on. Hold on. Let me I want to find I want to be I don't want to be biased

here. Let me just I want to find out who did this Muslim guy stab people in London. How many results? There's a lot for the last three days. That's the funny thing too, is it's like, then it was showing me one in Adelaide yesterday, because I typed in the same thing, Muslim guy, and it was like Adelaide, Perth, Ireland. You can't even keep up, you can't keep up. It's like keeping up with the weather.

Yeah, you're trying to prove that Muslims don't do this, and you're like, no, the Adelaide one was Muslim, and the Christ Church one was, and so was this one, and Church one was and so was this one and that one was too, but this one not, not yet. We don't know. As since it just happened, right? We don't actually know. And like, I don't mean to, you know,

make the episode not funny or whatever, but like I just, I don't want to say like, you know. Yeah. That was fucked up. I'm a retard, I'm a retard. For a second I thought like Taylor Swift was killed or something. I had no idea what people were talking about.

I saw a comment. Finally the Muslims did a good thing. Wow. That would rule if Taylor Swift got killed by Muslims. That would rule. Would it not? Yeah, you're right. It's just funny to hear.

We have to edit that out. It's just funny to hear. I don't think so. I think you can say it. Who cares? Swifties are invading the Kandahar Valley. They're doing what the military couldn't do in 20 years. Yes, they were strepo.

They just did like three days, the whole Middle East is like. And all they do is blast her music and all of them kill themselves. Dude, it's like Mars attacks their heads, just starts and explode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, the crazy thing about stabbings is in prison, I know, when they stab somebody, they have to like, to kill them, they have to stab them like 50 times, and then a lot of times they'll rip their belly open. Yeah, yeah. And start pulling their fucking guts out, because just knives don't kill you really quickly.

Yeah, so they do that, you know, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Man, that's gotta hurt. Man, that's gotta, I would rather get fucked in the ass. I bet that guy felt that in the morning. Oh, come on, guys, this is a new jumpsuit, come on. Guts spilling out. Falling.

Yeah, it's fucked up, you know. It's very fucked up, folks. They did 9-11, we had to pretend they did. Ha ha ha ha ha. Me and Devin were walking around London, we were just being like the most racist human beings alive. We were being so awful, very loudly. In a place you could maybe get arrested for it.

Oh, is that true? I think, well, I know Germany has that. I think London's starting to do that, right? I don't know. I mean, we weren't being that, what are you talking about? We weren't being that crazy. What we kept saying, like, come on. We hung out, we were being like that, what are you talking about? We weren't being that crazy. We kept saying like, come on. We hung out, we were being like really cool

with more than here. We don't, there's almost none in LA you run into. Armenians. What are you trying to save now? Come on. I'm not trying to save anything. We were being awful, ignorant Americans who don't know anything about a certain culture.

Of course, but that's beautiful. I mean, we saw a new story where a guy was just named like Ali something and we go, he's Muslim because he used a knife, it's in London and yeah, that's it And I think we might be wrong I think you might have been a mentally ill guy from like Wales It was like Rwandan it was a white and it's just vaguely We were being radicalized by every local we met We would try and be all like normal like no, I don't know about and they'd be like, yeah just vaguely enough to... We were being radicalized by every local we met.

We would try and be all like normal, be like, no, I don't know about, and then they'd be like, yeah, no, it's a fucking... No, it's a fucking problem, mate. It's a, what is it, mate? Everybody we ran into really didn't like him there. They hated him. They hated him. They hated him a lot.

I was shocked. That's what I'm saying. And they all loved Trump, by the way. Everybody we ran into. Yeah, they did. They really did. They fucking love him over there. And London, I thought, was a woke kind of place and stuff. Yeah, I was surprised. No, they're not really.

They're fake. They're fake like that. Yeah, or maybe, listen, I've never been there. I've experienced maybe they're just encountering reality. You don't know. I think they're being hit. They're being hit with a wave of hummus right now. Yeah.

It's the aftershock of hummus. Well, there is something about the little. They're sick of hummus right now. It's the aftershocks. They're sick of eating with their hands. They're packing falafel under their shirts to use as kevlar, protect them from knife wounds. Old falafel. It's hard to snap through. They go, can't get me, mate. I'll use your food against you. Protect them from knife wounds. Yeah, yeah Can't get me mate, I used your food against you

I used your stinky food against you Yes, it's 18 day old blood sausage right Yeah, you can't fuck with a proper English breakfast, right? We've got I got a can of beans on here. Dude, we talked shit about them all day. We talked shit about them all day. And then like, at night we'd be like, let's get some shawarma. And it was amazing. You'd be like, let's get some shawarma. You'd like, I know a great place. You're like, they're great here. They do a great job. Oh, I knew like multiple places within a week. It's so funny. We talked about them all day and then we're like, we won. It's so funny. It's so funny. I talk about them all day and then we're like, it's so funny It's so funny. I act this way because I'm so pro these people do that. I love them. I love their food I eat better trading food fucking all day

I had it earlier. I fucking love You know, I am I'm I'm them you are them there you get it. Oh The Turkish influence on London, Middle Eastern food isn't the light. Because they add more... A lot of saffron, stuff like that. They add more bullshit to the sandwiches, to the wraps. You got red cabbage, you got cabbage, and all sorts of pickled turnips. They have so just, they have so many more things. It was the best. There was a few places where I was thang.

I think one of them was called the White Horse Kebab. I love that place. It was cash only. I took out cash many times for the White Horse Kebab. They were tremendous people. I go, I don't know what this money means. It's weird. I go, I don't know what it is.

There's an old cunt on the money. You've got a fugly bitch on your money. I've never looked at a dollar with a fugly cunt on it, but I'll try it this time. Yeah, Ben remembers that, we talked to them for like 20 minutes about their, we went to that White Horse Kebab place and we talked to them.

We talked, what did we talked to them. We talked? What did we say to them? You're right, I wasn't with you, it was with Will. They don't talk to guys like me. They were very open. The young guys talk. I feel uncomfortable there, they turn around after I order and they took out a big fucking blade

and they start wielding it around. Yeah, you actually, they talk to me, because I guess I look at it a little more, you actually do have a harder, people don't like you. But like imagine, dude, look. Imagine this. Ha ha ha ha! That's their, a knife is their AR-15.

Okay, imagine if you went into an Al Qaeda deli, and you walked in like, oh my friend, you want the turkey? turkey okay and then they go one second and they turn around there's c4 strapped to a turkey and then they go there you go my brother yeah yeah we just we just killed it something like that is you know fucking or if you went to like in America like a listen these guys these guys kick-ass just cuz they have a seventh cousin that's stabbing a preschool.

Listen, I say, here's what you do. I think it's a Welsh guy, I don't even know. He's not even an immigrant, that's what's funny. I wish we knew what was true though. This is, you actually, England should post. You need to post it with the shooter's trans a post with the shooters trans if they're Muslim. They're more They should they don't they should so I can have a talking point I know cuz now it's kind of derailed the show then I'm confused

I'm flabbergasted cuz I don't I don't have a pot to piss in but I'll say this I'm flabbergasted because I don't have a pot to piss in. But I'll say this, when I walk out of a place and I walk home for two miles, I go, who else could have done this shit? Jason Statham's not walking in the streets. Want to know who is? Fucking, fucking, these guys. These guys.

Fucking, you know, Sandy Zugars. Like, fuckin' yoga. I love him. Yoga, like, yo- You know, there's a guy listening right now in England whose name is Sandy Zugars. He goes, he's nailed it again, bruv. Nailed it again.

I don't know, I'm just being a mouthpiece for the people of England as well. I feel obligated because I, much like a politician, I go to the areas and I talk to the people and I take a consensus, I sit down. You know me, like if I go to New Orleans, I get the barbecue and whatnot. If I go to- The barbecue, the barbecue.

It's not really a barbecue place. Well, don't they do that in House of Cards? Like he goes get in the barbecue down in New Orleans. That's in Washington, D.C. He's in D.C. Oh, okay. I didn't really a barbecue place. Well, don't they do that in House of Cards? Like, he goes get in the barbecue down in New Orleans. That's in Washington, DC. He's in DC. Oh, OK. I didn't really watch the show. You saw an old black guy and you said that's New Orleans?

You know that's New Orleans, old black guy. Hey, he's playing a catfish. I don't know. It's like, oh, House of Cards, there's a lot of black guys playing cards. It's New Orleans. Yeah, no, New Orleans is a black guy with a cigar, which means it's New Orleans.

Oh, it's called House of Cards because the levy knocked him down, like a House of Cards. Right, but what I say is I meet with the people like a politician, I go to the areas, I talk to the people. This is what I did in London. I took a temperature test of the old London waters of the old Thames River. I said hey guys

Terrible River by the way. How do you feel about it? It looks like the fucking diarrhea of Muslims. We need we need a public episode I'm kidding I said that because I knew it was insane and gross to say I would never think that this room is gonna be so bad It's a horrible thing to say this room is gonna be so bad It just looks it looks like yeah, it looks like the shit of the fucking royal That's great dude guys I Think you get a song on sensor TV real soon. No I'm feeling Anthony QBA, I'll get a song on censored.tv real soon. No.

That's okay. No. No. It does look like shit though. The Thames River looks like utter- is it the Thames or the Thames? I thought it was like the Thames. I don't know. I thought it was the Thames.

I don't know. I pronounced every word wrong. I know, everyone acted like I was an asshole the way I pronounced it earlier. They pronounce words wrong over there. They don't know anything over there. They're fucking morons. This is what they've done to their fucking- Fucking idiot, Yeah, look who they let in and what happened I think I think what you do is I do think I have a solution to I think you go through you let

Get rid of the mean guys. You know what the Muslim guys who look mean? Yeah There no more stairs staring guys who look like Sam the Eagle, they're gone. You don't get to stare me down. Exactly. In an alleyway. If your eyebrows look like a W, the thickest W that's ever existed, you're gone. Patreon.com slash. For more we got a lot going on.

That's so funny to end on that. We have a private episode. Let's get out of here. Hey, yeah, that's so funny. So funny to end and be like, these guys want some uncensored shit. You want to see us get wild, not this tame horse shit. For a second, I'm like, I feel like I'm

hitting the eject button on Top Gun, and I'm ejecting out of a plane that's on fire. You're ejecting into a helicopter plane. That's on fire You're ejecting into a helicopter Yeah, this is it's really the studio Yeah, it's like damn it it's fucking rules evil. I'm standing up doing act out I think I said the N word in my head about a black guy, which is crazy. Was that on this episode?

Yeah, that was on this episode. I think the first is the public, actually. Oh man, alright, well that's fine with me. Whatever you guys think. Who knows? Who knows? Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit?

Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit? Whatever happens, we're slowly circling the drain It's so fun to do a whole Rogan thing of attacking some guy for being like Muslim and doing a stabbing and then we find out 12 minutes later after ranting these dive His name is not Ali. It's Ali. It was a white woman I love knowing nothing and just being, this is why I stay out. I stay out, I stay out, I don't throw my hat in the ring because it's a dunce cap. Folks, I can't throw my hat in the ring because it's big and white and pointy and I'm not

talking about Klay and Hood. I'm talking about a dunce cap. Very good. Very good. Big and white and pointy and I'm not talking about clan hood. I'm talking about Adon's cap. Okay. Very good. Very good. Very good. Can't wait for your knees to give out three episodes in. Yeah. I already looked at them, they're buckling.

I know. When you guys were in England, did they change the clock's name to just Ben? Very good. That's great. That's great. Get back. All right. Follow Yarmulz. Very good. That's great. That's great. Get back! All right.

Follow Yarmulz. Yarmulz is great. Follow Yarmulz. Studio by Yarmulz. Follow him on YouTube. YouTube.com slash Yarmulz. Y-A-R-M-L-E-S. Description.

Follow Yarmulz. Build up his channel. Give him engagement content. Like his stuff. Comment on it. Oh, and I also, I promise I give him a shot. I think we've done one, but I said when we moved into the new studio. God damn it. Oh and I also I promise I give them a show I think we've done one by so we moved into the new studio

God damn it Ruby's Flowers Ruby's flowers. Thank you. I was playing Ruby's flowers Give them a shout out because we spent a lot of money on the studio And we were able to do it a lot of it because of they've been working with us so much so shout out Ruby's flowers Well, and the patreon people and the patreon people as well dear lord. Yeah, no, I know But I said I would give them a shout out because's flowers. Well and the Patreon people. And the Patreon people as well. Dear Lord. Yeah, no I know, but I said I would give them a shout out because they've been doing a lot of work with us. No for sure, for sure.

Shout out to Ruby's. Shout out to Ruby's, shout out Yarmul's, shout out Patreon, yeah. Shout out Ben Avery. Shout out Ben, shout out Devin. Shout out to the great Ben Avery, shout out to the great J Savery. Shout out to the great Devin Costa.

I love you all. Love you buddy. What a beautiful first two episodes in this fucking dungeon of madness Holy shit, dude, we are we are gonna get removed. Yeah, it's a real shining situation we're gonna get so I just gonna walk in here one day. We're all inside the TV screen just All right, that's that's the episode god bless you. God bless. Bye. Bye Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in roses cantina, Music would play and Bolita would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Bolita,

Wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican mate. I was in love but in vain I could tell One night a while young cowboy came in wild as the West Texas way