lemonparty - 095: Titanic 2: Sovereign Waters

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

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I've never understood anything you say. I mean, do you want me to learn? It's like when Jane Goodall had to learn sign language to communicate with chimps. Is that what you want me to do right now? Yeah. I'm in a geek squad, Jane Goodall, like sign language. You could understand anything that goes on behind this desk. I mean, like Jane Goodall, you're using me.

Oh very good, she did actually kind of use that. She was using, she was using chimps. Consent to any of that shit. She was kind of like the last Calvin Candie to think about it. Maybe that's why she was doing it because she couldn't do it with black people. So she's like I'll go to Africa.

Yeah possibly. Get kind of the same feeling, you know. Oh shit, Jason's lights off. Oh yeah. Ah damn it. Turn his light on, it's sad to see what Yeah, possibly. Get kind of the same feeling, you know? Oh shit, Jace's lights off. Oh yeah. Ah, damn it. Turn his light on. It's sad to see what Ben has become. Lights aren't on.

Jace isn't even blue. Ha ha ha ha! I can hear it. There's a guy driving, he's like, I can sense Jace isn't blue. So this week on Lemon Party, Ben forgot to turn Jace's blue light on. Guy driving through his job, he hates it. he goes, sounds really red in there right now.

What's going on? Guys like synesthesia, like John Mayer. Yeah, they can see colors like Kanye. He goes, anytime I listen to Lemon Party, I usually see a blue swastika, and then I see a red one. I don't care for it. All right. I think it's. We're good, Ben.

We're good. Yeah, it's recording. Yeah. Anyway. I'm not filming the opening of Dunkirk. It's okay. Yeah, this is good. It's tough recording on this side of town now

because I feel vulnerable going to the gas station. There's like a race war every time. I'm just trying to get a Coke Zero. I'm just a white guy in a minivan trying to get a Coke Zero. I'm just a white guy in a minivan trying to get a Coke Zero. God forbid a white guy in LA goes. That doesn't happen. Welcome to my neck of the woods, bub.

I walk out, there's a Grand Theft Auto, like San Andreas character waving a tire iron at a lady who, she's had a long day selling expensive pins in Highland Park. On Etsy, yeah. And she's getting confronted by this giant Cholo's waving a tire iron. I didn't step in. I didn't say anything.

No, as you shouldn't. No. If anything, you should barely try to escalate it from the side, but that's about it. Yeah. Am I three on this? I think so, yeah. Hello, hello? I don't know.

Can you not hear yourself? No, that was definitely mine. Was that yours? I'm sorry to add. Thank you. Hello. Hello. Oh, that's mine Yeah, can you turn my just a tiny bit? Thank you lower. Yeah, no, that's great. You're good. Okay, so far This is a slam dunk of an episode. Oh, you two are just jump shot after jump shot You know shot one foot, you know be funny You know be funny as we should, to teach the fans a lesson, we should stop now and then walk out and then the next 57 minutes of the episode is just an empty studio.

You know what's bullshit, like music is so good the beat keeps going and then the guy can just be like, yo, yo, turn it up in my headphones and you go fuck, I love this part. I love this part where he says to turn it up in his headphones. Yeah, where they're just, they're talking. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They like that. Because then something eventually happens. I love when rappers go, all right, I like that take. Like after. Yeah. And it's like, did they forget to edit that out? No, that's all. I found out recently they decided to leave it in.

Wouldn't it be great if we recorded this podcast like rappers and there was a big glass thing right here and behind it, and behind it all of our homeboys were like raping a woman. They were just pressuring her to suck their dicks in succession. Well just one Jewish guy is like adjusting knobs on the big dial.

I, my idea for the studio is that we'd be recording behind, make it look like we're recording a podcast inside of a 7-Eleven behind the counter with the plexiglass up in a bad neighborhood. We're podcasting like Trump after he got PTSD. We have the big giant fucking screens in front of us. But we actually, during the podcast, you can buy cigarettes from us, you can buy cigarettes.

You can buy like Lotto tickets and shit, we're sliding it to the glass. Yeah, we just, we can be as racist as we want because they're pounding on the glass. Yeah, yeah. Trying to get in. Big fat construction workers walk in, they go, what's up boss man, can I get the number seven scratchers

and a 36 pack. Thanks brother. Hey let me get $500 on Pump Nine. It's 5am. Can I get three taquitos and a 78 ounce Dr. Pepper? Anyway, love the podcast. You guys do great work. Anyway, I do manual labor all day. I've never lost a pound. Have you ever looked in the back of a Fruity Pebbles box and you go, I think I did the math once and someone gets 170 grams of sugar before 7 a.m.

if they ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. It's absolutely insane. But that's how the cities are built. Thank God, thank God for the panaderias. Thank God for the big sodas. Otherwise, nothing would be elevated. Nothing would be off the ground. We'd be living in big mud huts, like Sparrow's.

Oh yeah. And that monitor's going out, I'm trying to ignore it. Oh yeah, we've been having a lot of problems with that monitor. Yeah, we've all been just kind of slowly breaking. This is the episode where we break, yeah. We're breaking. The studio has buck broke us, officially.

I'm letting it fuck me in my ass. That's why it's black, because it's fucking us. So I had the encounter with the Cholo, which I told you guys about, and the white lady very raciously declined to help him get his car started as he's waving a tire iron and screaming in Spanish And then he said she doesn't help him. Mm-hmm, and then he turns run he goes white people don't understand

And then he said something in Mexican which you said to inappropriate Spanish Spanish Yeah, he says something and but it's like Spanglish Well, I called it Mexican because it didn't sound like cuz it wasn't Spanish It was he was it was like Yeah, that's Mexican it's like no I could speak Mexican Yeah, you walk and you're like, let me help you. She can't like fucking work on the fucking car, man That goes that's Mexican. It's a different dialect And then he said something to another Cholo cholo runs over gets in the car

And it's turning the ignition as he has his hood open. He has it. I swear to God. He's a tire iron He's just like hitting Like making a pupusa Yeah, that wasn't his car that's his a hot dog hot dogs the bacon dogs outside His hot dog shopping cart is so fucking souped up. It's like the DeLorean Yeah, you come in time travel with us. You come out Dodger Stadium fucked up and he's like he's like you want oil Yeah, fuck it man, give me some oil You need a push I can find the card I start it. His car is like a prideful taco truck

where they're like, we roll our mufflers every morning. Yeah. Fresh. He's got a big sword and he's slicing off the cushion of the back seat. There's a pineapple on the top of the car. Shaving a pine air freshener over the food. Yeah, so you witnessed.

So a white lady didn't help though, and then she was like shaking, putting the nozzle back on. What, you said she was like a Miss Frisley type white bitch or? Redhead clearly has been selling fountain pins all day in Highland Park or some horse shit. And. A woman who has Googled how to talk to Mexicans

in a non-racist way. Absolutely. But the moment a 55-year-old third generation Mexican man approaches her at a gas station, and he's waving a tire iron, she assumes the worst. She flips out. She goes, they're rapists. They're coming into this country. She turns into Trump. She'll build the worst. She flips out. She goes, they're rapists, they're coming into this country.

She turns into Trump. She goes, build the wall. I love to do cocaine at DJ parties, build the wall. Well, didn't you say the guy that then helped him was one of those guys that has a face on top of his face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a spooky skeleton. Yeah, he inked his face over his face.

I think they were doing a theatrical human traffickers thing where he then talks to his boy who's on the other pump and he comes over and helps him start. Yeah, they're probably trying to do the histrionics of like the mafia. We're like, you know, the mafia like, we've got to kill this guy. But I also love to act.

So you pretend you pretend we're taking him for a nice dinner. I want everyone to be on cue. These guys sounded like they were doing the same thing where they were like, OK, so like I'm going gonna like hold the tire and act like I'm like fucking crazy And then and then you come in with your skull face you like calmer down and shit Because you're spooky guy and by the way, that's how I get pussy what that's the only scenario in which I get if I Have to step in and save her you hire two Mexican guys to threaten white women So you can fuck well who are very liberal and live in a liberal bubble and they're so shocked by the

by the event racially and Politically that I I go back to their place and then they just start I just let them unload I'm like, it's okay. Just say we should you know build the wall. It's fine. Let it all out sweetheart This she's the type of lady that, like, she's on Nextdoor all the time. She thinks she's like a real ally for everybody. She thinks she's like a great person. She lives in an area called Hacienda Heights,

and every day on Nextdoor, she goes, hey, there's like a Mexican in my neighborhood. Is this weird? She's not even selling anything. I only live in a neighborhood called La Cucaracha. Aye, aye, aye. What were you talking about the other day that ladies wear a big fruit on their on their head because they're a trompa in a food truck. Ladies that were big pineapples on there, they just spin all day and they marinate. The guy comes up

and cuts a little piece off. A. The little Chiquita Banana lady. Just spinning on a spit. Just spinning. Yeah. No, but you're right, these women live in neighborhoods called Donavict the Mexicans. That's the name of their neighborhood. Yeah.

But every day they're like, I don't know, I saw like a, it was like a brown guy with a backpack. He said he wanted to turn me into a boomerang. He was holding a giant RPG and then everyone's like, that's a leaf blower. Susan, that's a leaf blower. There's a Mexican out front on my house.

He's blowing my yard to shithereens. He had a big pair of scissors on a stick. I think he was trying to reach through my window and cut my head off with them. I think he was Edward Scissorhands. Ma'am, he was trimming the roses. No, he has to trim the leaves because the branches get too heavy.

No, he was gonna cut my head off like a big cartoon. He was climbing a tree really quick. Ma'am, that was a raccoon. That was a rodent. Why do you have a mask on? Like a sneaky Mexican thief. I love when someone gets shaken. I love seeing someone get shaken up a little bit.

This white woman, red head, not a great face, but a pretty nice body, short red skirt. What type of car did you have? It was a Nissan Xterra, plates PC720. That's why they thought they could approach her, because she was in a Nissan. They go, oh, she speaks our language. They go, oh, shit, you're down.

You like to drive like a piece of shit too? And he has the car where it's like, I don't even know how this is running. He drives it with his feet. But they all make it to their jobs. Yeah, yeah. No, he fills it up with rust every morning. Where do they get these cars in LA?

It's insane. Every maid has one. Yeah. I didn't even know they, I go, when did they make cars that small? Yeah. When? He goes, no, I built this.

I'm my homeboy, he's a smelter. We smelt this car, man. They're like in Stuart Little's car. It's so small. Yeah, they are. What the fuck? They're in like a Hot Wheel. Yeah, they are in... What the fuck? They're in like a hot wheel. Yeah, they have to make it...

The hardest working guy in LA drives around every day in a hot wheel. And he pulls out a ton of material from the trunk and he fixes everything at your place. He's like, I got to make it to the reservoir because that's where the little booster thing is so I can keep going. It's unbelievable, man. But, hey man, I don't correct him. Look, some things piss me off about the Mexican community out here. Someone needs to let them know that they're saying Jesus' name

wrong. It's fucking disrespectful. They say, hey, Zeus? They say, hey, Zeus. Well, they're talking about one of 19 family members. They say, they say, oh, Zeus. Well, they're talking about one of 19 family members. They say, they, they say, oh, it's aloha. Learn to speak the language. Folks, come on.

Folks. Learn to speak a little fucking English. You walkin' up to the taco truck, you go, you got the pig upside down. You gotta turn it sideways over a big fire pit. Don't be a savage. Yeah, but no, that woman was going to get beat to death if she set foot in that car.

Because that was what the guy was asking, right? Was for her to get in the car and roll over. His car door is open, his hood is open, and he's waving a tire iron. He's wearing a wife beater. He's covered in soot. Does it really make sense to be holding a tire iron if you're working on the engine of your car?

But it looked like a dual wielding thing where I think maybe on one, at the other end of the tire iron, I think he was doing something with a spark plug. Okay, so he was right, okay. I think, I don't know. It's possible. It looked like he was waving it very aggressively though

Yeah, here's the thing. That was his problem If you are gonna human traffic someone and it doesn't work out you probably don't play the race card to get out of it He's a he's trying to sell a white woman in the black market to pay for a spark That was his last In a three- pack of Modellos, tall boys. Yeah, like he's collecting cans. He's like, all right, we got to find like two white bitches. He's throwing white ladies in a shopping cart.

In a big plastic bag, and he's walking through the recycling place. He's like, I got a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and this bitch went to Brown, but she dropped out. Dude, the guy I buy avocados from, he barely speaks English. At the farmer's market? At the farmer's market, yeah. And I walk up to, I just get the avocados, how much,

he knows the numbers. He says, he can speak English. He knows one, two, he doesn't even try to say Ocho or whatever, he says eight. And white guy behind me, very stiff back, walked up, seeing that man doesn't speak English and he goes, greetings. Oh God. Hey everybody, college football is about to be epic with MyBookie. MyBookie sports booking

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Don't ever miss out on the action. Bet anything, anywhere, anytime, only with my bookie. It's so infuriating. It's so hard to leave the house out here because people just don't know how to talk. It's like you don't, why are you saying greetings as if they're like an alien life form? Greetings?

He said he pulled out fucking greetings and did one of these. Oh, that really is horrible. No sudden movements around them because they can't understand words. Like he's talking to the aliens in Arrival where he's like, how do I know, like I need to let them know what pronouns are

so we can communicate. He's doing like math at home. Yeah, drawing out a big circle on a board Yeah, he goes me white Greetings really sucks. It's it's greetings sucks ass man. It's been pissing me off all fucking day Earthlings It's a guy he watched Mars attacks too many times and now that's how he talks. Yeah coneheads or some shit greetings spicy Latinos Take me to your big booty mamacitas me Yamo Philip

It's a step above the people who try to do the Spanish though when they're ordering that is that's always Yeah, when somebody's at a taco truck and they're like, hey man Can I get one a bim barito? Jimmy tang I don't even say it's brutal every every time I've ever said like gracias. I always envisioned them just being like fucking Say gracias occasionally back in the day, but Retardedly gracias gracias, but then I just pictured them being like, Maricon, fucking shut up. Shut up, white bitch. Mac DeMarco was here five minutes before. You think we fucking, we get it.

We know, we're fucking. Jonathan Gold did a write-up on us, man. We're actually very popular in the white community. We're a big deal here, shut up. We're well aware of who we're serving to. We've been running a spot at Grand Central Market for 20 years. I told my fucking mechanic, you could see

sheets of rain off over the hills. And I motioned, I pointed, I said, Yuvia. And he laughed his ass off. Yeah, they find it hilarious that you were even trying. Yuvia. Because yeah, it's fucking raining. It's rains coming. Rain. You retard. Yeah, you via

He's like more of you went water sky Yeah, cuz it's their version of like when you're out and about and you see like a really fucked up Chinese guy Like walk up to you, which I pay to see. Which you pay to see. A guy who looks like Jerry Lewis being racist. They drop the curtain and I hand a guy $20. I'm like, all right, this is the fucked up Chinese guy I see every day. Like here in the 1840s, you want to see a man

from the Orient for a nickel? Yeah, I go to a guy's apartment in Van Nuys. He just has a bunch of cages. It is hilarious we even bother to try and speak Spanish. Yeah at all. We shouldn't bother at all. Cause if we're in a Chinese restaurant, I go like, ni hao.

I never occurs to me. Konnichiwa. Yeah, like it's, that's, you know. Someone asked me if Los Angeles, like the city had a, like a Spanish origin. I was like, yeah, it's fucking called Los Angeles. It's called Los Angeles. You think Los isn't an English word, you retard?

It used to be Mexico. I didn't know that. Yeah, got it. So we took it from them? Yeah. Nice, love to hear that. That's why Texas and California, they're always moving back and forth.

They both took land from Mexico. Yeah. Yeah, but Mexico took it from, who'd Mexico take it from? They took it from somebody. Spain? I don't fucking know. The French? Who knows? Who cares? The Cherokee treated them like dogs and then we fucking owned the Cherokee and we kicked the Mexicans out. I just learned enough history to know which white people took it and then that's all I need to know. I go, what, what did white people take it from? I go, I don't need anything beyond that.

Thank you, yeah. Yeah. I get that. Yeah, white people just kind of put everybody in an Excel sheet. We're like, all right, you're here now. And you guys are here now. Yeah, like we're doing our taxes. Everyone was killing each other anyway,

so we're just trying to limit. Get the land. We love borders. We do. Apparently not though these days Fucking country I I love the restaurant borders What is there a restaurant called border? Oh, I thought there was oh, it's called on the border. Oh, yeah Oh, what is that? I think it's where you go to like have a have gay sex With a you're on with a nice

to like have a have gay sex with a Yeah, I'm uh, I'm not pro or anti I'm like I'm just like yeah, I'm here I just Look, I've clicked on some videos before an accident. I don't know if I am but I'm I'm in the market Yeah, maybe what would be show me something? Maybe I like it You know, what would be a good starter penis for me? And they go, well we have a little tiny Asian man right over here. And you go, okay, well let me write that around a little bit. He inserts himself in me and I go, hmm. Yeah, it's like you're trying on shoes.

Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of small and itchy. You're trying on shoes and it's like trying on shoes, and it's like trying to choose over the guys like, why don't you see me, walk around the store a little bit, do a lap. Does this have the premium package? You're waddling with the Chinese guy in your ass. Like it's Foot Locker. They go, yeah, your gate's a little off.

It looks like you're a rim ride in that cock a little bit. So maybe we could go up to a little Thai guy. They you a black guys when you're like this has the Mark Levinson package the audio is amazing yeah the black guys dick has the air Jordan on the side of it what if I'm like I'm clearly homosexual I'm like let's cut right to the chase you got anybody back there with gigantism? Wait, you got anybody back there with Marfan syndrome? Which is the disease Osama Bin Laden had and like Yao Ming and stuff?

Osama Bin Laden was like a technical giant. He had Marfan syndrome, amongst other things. He was six. Down syndrome as well, if you ask me. And also he was in the CIA. And he was, yeah, he was six six, I know that. Yeah. Yeah. He used to actually also he was in the CIA. And he was in the CIA, he was 6'6", I know that. Yeah. He used to actually, he was in the CIA

and he actually played one season for the Bulls in like 84. A lot of people don't know about that. Right. He... Yeah, those were the horrible years before Jordan showed up in 85. Yep. Yep.

Yeah. Jerry Cross is like, what if we can do a trade? We can go up in the draft. We trade Osama for Michael Jordan. That's why he did 9-11. He was like, all right, fuck them then. Fuck them. Fuck them.

And then he was so retarded, he blew up New York instead of Chicago. Yeah, because he's a retard. Because he's a moron. He was just a typical rich kid. He's a dumb ass. Yeah. Typical rich kid.

Was he dumb, retard? Oh, he was. Oh, he was, oh dude, he was a classic like rich kid syndrome. He put an M80 in our toilets, I'll tell you that. I will say this by the way, hats off to Ben Launen because you put me in a cave and- Turbans off. Turbans off to Ben Laans off to bin Laden. Thank you, Jase Turbans off to bin Laden because you put me in a cave with a couple goats and virgins and my cousins and

I don't know if I could accomplish shit that guy from a cave Downtown does 9-eleven pretty pretty incredible. So impressive. I mean he had help from us in Saudi Arabia Oh, yeah, we did it. I forgot about that. We did help him a lot by doing it. By knowing it was happening and not stopping it on any level. He was really, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he was really just the kid who said, ooh, it was me. Actually, I did it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, sure, if this guy's retarded enough to play that. Aren't his, like his kids running around New York hanging out with the Red Scare girls? He's in Dime Square.

They're hanging out with Peter Thiel. Peter Thiel's on Rogan, just like, yeah, so I was hanging out with Osama Bin Laden Jr., great guy. I feel like I always see a picture of one of his kids and he's in system of a down or something. I'm not sure, but they're around. They're all killing it.

Yeah. His family's fine. It's crazy they're allowed to be like do anything. I agree. If I was president, I'd fucking kill them too. Well, unfortunately, we. I would love I would vote for Trump if he did run on it. Like we are going to kill Osama bin Laden. Everybody associated with that family. And he bin Laden at an NYU right now.

We're going to run in and we we're gonna blow his heads off. Are there descendants of Hitler still out there? Oh yeah. I think it's all over the place. We gotta eradicate all those family names. Those family lines. We do, right? I mean, why not?

Yeah, I agree. I agree, because otherwise we gotta keep an eye on it. I mean, we can't, oh, look, look, look. I know Guantanamo Bay is still standing there, right? We can't turn it into Guantanamo Bay High School and make them all like Billy Madison go back to school and learn how to not be terrorists. We could do that.

And their dunce cap is a big black hood when they're being chained to a car battery. By the way, what happened to Guantanamo Bay? Do we not? I think nothing. I think it's a big lot. Do it? Yeah, what do you?

Yeah, it's an outlet lots It's an outlet it's a galleria You go there to get Brooks Brothers shirts half off How did that end like did they do we just don't torture people? So usually when I look into like a CIA like black side or something like that. I'm like I'm like, oh fuck I remember that I haven't thought about that in a while and I look it up and it's like still running somehow Yeah, so for all I know Guantanamo Bay is still like fuck, I remember that. I haven't thought about that in a while, and I look it up and it's like still running somehow. Yeah. So for all I know, Guantanamo Bay is still happening. I remember we gave all those women,

all those ladies a bunch of shit that were taking pictures, like doing the, they were doing Bring It On with terrorists. They were in the triangle formation, and they were flipping a guy in the air that they had just anally penetrated with a bunch of hammers or whatever. But he deserved it, because he was a dirty terrorist.

Well, for national security reasons, we had to give them titty twisters and make them eat a drink of pee. Laugh at their tiny pieces. And we took funny pictures. We had some mildly attractive white women stand on top of them and go like, like that, give the thumbs up. And I thought that was like America, baby.

What happened to Guantanamo? I truly think we're just still doing the exact same thing. It's just happening, we just don't talk about it. Just people don't kind of give a shit anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hoping they bring it back, honestly. I mean, time's a flat circle, right? So they're just gonna reopen Guantanamo Bay again,

but just rename it some horseshit. Right. Right fuck was it by the way like Lake Michigan or something? I don't know Guantanamo Bay doesn't it sound awesome though sounds like there's like great crab banks Yeah, and you water slide put on a big bib and you just you just crack open fucking clams and have Potatoes on top of a big newspaper. Yeah, but there is also a guy shitting into a bucket in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. With big nails in the corner. And every once in a while you just shoot a taser at him

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Oh, you're thinking of this. And he's like, well, isn't he going to see Guantanamo Bay or something on a big boat with everybody who needs health insurance from the 9-11 fallout. And he's like, well, isn't he going to see Guantanamo Bay or something on a boat? I'm like, this is like the worst cruise of all time. Michael Moore's just yelling at people with a bullhorn. Which is how I imagine he orders food in New York City. Yeah, he has to. He has to.

He has to. As much food as he needs, he's hoarse by the time he's done with his order. When Michael Moore orders food, it's like in a movie when there's an alien attack and every channel turns to the president making an announcement. He goes, because of Michael Moore, there is no more milk for the next four months. My fellow Americans, Michael Moore has just ordered a bang bang. May God have mercy on your souls.

That's why Michael Moore keeps shooting documentaries so he can pretend he's ordering for the crew of his movies. He's gotta be due for another one, right? I mean, Fahrenheit 11-9, I loved the first 20 minutes of Fahrenheit 11-9 were great because it was just like a great highlight compilation of Trump beating Hillary and it was really funny. Oh wait, what was that one called?

He made Fahrenheit 9-11. And then Fahrenheit 11-9 was the day that Trump was like, he won. Wait, he won. Yeah, yeah. So it was about like what led to the Trump presidency. Is he still a big fag? Like is he still? Oh, yeah.

I mean, he's a retard. All of his every movie of Michael Moore's, the big moment is just he gets escorted out of a lobby. Yeah, the apotheosis of every documentary is he gets escorted out of a lobby that he's not supposed to be in. The apotheosis of every documentary is he's like, and send the email. I'm like, that was it? The whole thing.

And then it cuts to black and it goes, they never responded for a comment during this documentary. I'm like, yeah, it went to their spam folder. You're Michael Moore. The big moment of the movie is like, and George Clooney didn't wanna speak to me. Okay, fatty. You fat retard.

Jesus, with your awful fucking turkey neck. It clearly smells like a Goodwill. You stink. Why don't you go back, get back to making movies about how Detroit hasn't made a car in 40 years. A guy like that, it's like, all right, the only thing you're an expert on is scabs. And like moles and like weird things on your skin.

I don't really trust him on anything else. Yeah, he has, by the way, he has rent control in New York. I listened to him on a podcast. Does he really? He's been living in the, and he lives with all the Wall Street guys. So there's like American psycho guys walking like around him and like, excuse me, and holding their nose like this

To get into their apartment. Yeah, Michael fucking more lives there and he's like, yeah I love that I fucking I give it like fuck him. He just he pays like $1,200 or something. He's just a hot dog cart They give the elevator with him and he's just it's a whole hot dog car His he's got one fold full of hot water that you just reach a tong into. You go, you want that dirty style? And if you want dirty style, you shove it in his belly button

and mix it around a little bit. Yeah, no, he stinks. He's a big fairy. I do like his stuff though. I always go see his movies when they come out. Yeah. I love, Fahrenheit 11 nine was amazing

cause I went and saw it at the Vista. I think it came out in 2017, like a year after Trump won. Yeah, a year after, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was with a couple of my friends and we were like laughing our asses off cause the whole first 20 minutes is just, it's great.

It's just Trump winning and it's like funny. The best months of your life. And he's trying to make it seem really sad and shit, but we're just cackling and everyone in the theater was like, hated us. Because he did do that gay thing in 11.9 where he was like, what happened in this country that we got to this point? You were making documentaries about what happened.

Yeah, you know what happened. Why are you pretending oblivious on the side of it? And then the rest of the movie, he's interviewing people that are like, yeah, I fucking, my hometown has had no jobs in fucking seven years. And Michael Moore's going like, so when did you learn to distrust the government? What caused it?

He goes, I watched your last movie, man. Like, what are you talking about? I watched Sicko, which is about his diet every day. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you go, well then you see, what do you make, bowling for Columbine? You go, now bowling, that's a thing, he can speak, he can speak on that.

Oh, he was at the same fucking bowling alley that morning because of how cheap the chicken tenders are. He watched them bowl, put their rifles. Michael Moore's the only guy, he's in the background of every bowling scene in a film just because he's there. He's a patron at every bowling alley. You can see when Elliot, whatever, Sam Elliott's ordering a sarsaparilla in the Big Lebowski, you can see Michael Moore in the back like

putting on a bowling sleeve and rolling a strike and eating a chicken tendie. He goes there to get shoes that stink less than his. Just for a little while. Can I get a size 11 double wide? You got those? All right, let me get two size 11s. I'll cut them in half and sew them into one shoe.

That's his version of getting a hooker. He's like, I'm going to go wear shoes that don't smell like me for a couple hours. I've bursted out of these shoes, so I have to go get another pair and stink them up. Isn't it funny that bowling still isn't cool after all these years? Oh, it'll never be cool. It's still not cool. They tried to make it cool, but yeah, it still doesn't work.

They have all these bowling hours that are like hip and shit. It's just no one gets into it the way golf has become cool and tennis people are sexy, but bowling people are still like, it's like the best bowler in the world is probably like Michael Moore. Like, legitimately. And then the female league, I'm sure, is way worse. It's fucking Rosie O'Donnell.

Yeah, bowling is for guys that owe, they owe money to a mustard stain on their shirt. It's for guys that are in debt to stains. It's just a- Some ketchup on their shirt, it's as a loan shark somehow. Yeah, there's just no dignity in it. Yeah, the ketchup stain on their polo

is like fucking holding a knife to their neck, like you better make this or we will fucking kill your family. You go to the- Fat fuck. They're all fat. They're all fat and shit. They wear gloves for the- anybody that has to wear special gloves for their thing

is really gay. Yeah. It's people that take their shirt off to eat. Yeah. The smart ones. The ones that have admitted to themselves their situation. Yeah. But I'm sure if you-

They get naked to have like a red-eye. The way someone takes off their clothes to take a shit, they do the same thing to like have dinner. Right, right, I knew you were going with that. And they refer to their meals by the number of wipes that they take. They go, that was a two-wiper. Yeah.

Yeah. No, if you go to the hall- They have a bib for their asshole. It's guys that wash their hands with dude wipes. Yeah, once a month they go to a car wash and get their asshole scraped wide clean. Now if you go to the bowling hall of fame, I'm sure they're like, this is the greatest bowl of all time, and then his shirt is pulled through his fly. He has a shirt penis.

Yeah, like a far side guy. Yeah, in the picture. Yeah. I mean, their coolest guy was that Weber guy, Pete Weber, or whatever, the bad boy of bowling. And he was just an autistic guy who was mean. And that's the coolest guy they've ever had. Pete Weber?

I think he's the guy who goes, who do you think you are I am? Oh, that guy. And people go, that's the coolest moment in bowling. And they forget to tell you that he was yelling at a 12-year-old boy in the audience. Yeah, we watched you think you are, I am. Oh, that guy. And people go, that's the coolest moment in bowling, and they forget to tell you that he was yelling at a 12 year old boy in the audience. Yeah, we watched it on the show, I think. Yeah, a while back. Who said he's cool, Big Cat from Barstool?

Who said that that's cool? Yeah. So he is. Big Cat made me lose my mortgage gambling. By the way, can I just, I took, I used to take Zins from, in 2020, 2021, 2020, I took Zens and it helped me quit vaping, it helped me quit smoking. I used it as a stop smoking aid. I never once thought it was cool. I was bewildered when all of a sudden it was the coolest fucking big joke. Everybody loves making a fucking Zen joke. I don't know about you faggot But the other day I wore a a plain

Polo and I raw dog to flight to Ireland With an upper this shit to with an upper deckers any it's I'm getting I'm turning purple right? This is the new thing on audio just raw dog to flight. Yeah I think I might pop a Zin when I land. Yeah, because it's proving... I see fucking red like I'm the Terminator or something. The raw dogging a flight thing. Yeah, raw dogging a flight is the meditation for white retards. It's really proving that fanbase is so retarded they can just shut down for nine hours and be like perfectly fine.

Isn't it crazy I had no thoughts for nine straight hours? Dude, they're like, what'd you do? He's like, dude, it was fine. I just played office GIFs in my head for nine hours. I just kept envisioning Peter Griffin and the chicken. And they go, the first fight scene? He goes, dude, the second fight scene. When they get on the airplane it was fucking epic

There's a viral there's a viral clip of like Someone filming Brooks Koepka and there's one of Tiger Woods as well Brooks Koepka is a golfer on the live tour They're just filming him some guys filming him at an event. I swear to God. Here's the whole video He reaches into his golf bag and he pulls out as in thing He opens it and he puts one in his mouth and then he puts the fucking can Back in the golf bag and it's a viral video Yeah of a man putting in a dip, right? Cuz then they're like he got that pillow and the it's like you got the pillow on the bottom lip and a pillow on the top. Hey, yeah, man

That's right. He like me for real I'm starting to realize why we get away with our racism because we hate ourselves We could possibly 100% we hate our white genes I know I want to start getting into rap I think but like becoming a rapper I think I can actually become a rapper Zin's are the grills of white men They're pulling their lip down

Check that shit out I mean it's so gay That's my fizz face Whatever man Can you imagine like a guy in Mad Men, Mad Men like Don Draper going like, I'm gonna take my boomstick real quick. It takes a drag of a cigarette.

I just, I just raw dogged a flight to Tokyo. And I'm going to cheat on my wife. I am getting a little sick of the whole raw dogging flights thing. I'm getting, it's... It's two bad planes they'll give you AIDS. Well, actually, that is how AIDS started. This damn monkeypox, who knows?

Call it M-pox, OK? You're not supposed to call it monkeypox? I don't know. I've been seeing another narrative online that's saying monkeypox is a thing. And you've got to call it M-pox. I've been seeing things where people say they're doctors are saying it's M-pox. Do not call it monkeypox. Because everybody in Africa has it. You can't call it. I don'tpox. I've been seeing things where people say their doctors are saying it's Mpox.

Do not call it monkeypox. Because everybody in Africa has it. I don't know, I don't know. They just think it sounds ridiculous or something. I don't really fucking know, but God knows. I know, they tell us everybody's gonna get it, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be just gay people are gonna die.

Wait, is it actually coming? No, I think it's still. Oh, it's coming. Isn't it for butt sex? It's for butt sex. I didn't eat anyone's ass Don't live in the fairies gay lifestyle. You're fine. I don't do that. I know a fucking I Know two years ago. I was I was worried about it because I thought John had monkey pops Yeah, he probably did he probably did because he's a gay man secretly But I looked it up and it was like yeah, yeah, it's like 99.8%

just gay men having incredibly diverse butt fucks all over the city. Yeah. And getting monkey pox. At this point, man, it appears to me, look, outsider perspective, right? Straight guy, uh-oh, straight guy talking about gay guys, lock me up, throw away the key

But outsider perspective here on Miami dolphins Like straight guy here Lock me up throw away the key listen up queers Look me up throwing the key. Listen up queers. Outsider perspective here, it seems for 45 years now, gay people have had a death wish.

Yeah. And I don't know why we keep saving them at this point. Are we gonna play Phantom Thread with the gay community our whole life where they keep getting sick and we nurse them back to health? Just let them die. When they just can't.

They don't wanna be here anymore. They wanna go to hell where they can have gay sex all the time. Monkeypox seems worse than AIDS. Really? Like if they made a Dallas Buyers Club and he got monkeypox, he'd be like,

we should all be killed. This is disgusting. He goes and shoots rape, whatever her name is. He goes, this is an absolute nightmare. We deserve it, this is God's punishment. This is God's punishment for a laugh of divine sin, brother. He's creating buttholes all over our face. I saw that guy's face look like Spongebob.

I was like, Jesus. That picture on Twitter of that guy? Yeah, and if you look at it. Giant buttholes form on your face. Really? If you comb through that guy's history, by the way, he just live tweets about the orgies he's constantly attending. And he deserves nothing but pain. I agree. That's what I said because these people they're like

evil-knevel of butt sex. They just line up 50 butts in a row. And they're already divorced from God so when they're in hell and they experience total eternal darkness and like rape like is it even like I don't even like do you send them to heaven where they can't be gay? What's the punishment? At this point they can't wait to go to hell to burn off the sores. Yeah, they go to... They drop down into hell, they go, oh thank God! And they run over to a giant flame

and they put their chin up to it, they go, please get this shit off of me! Yeah, they wake up in hell and they run over to a giant flame and they put their chin up to it. They go, please Yeah, they wake up in hell and they go when did I when did I arrive in Miami Beach Gay people kind of bewildered too when they get they're like, you know, the weirdest thing happened. I made my entire identity Having gay sex. Yeah, and it turns out I got a disease I got a sexually transmitted disease isn't that weird would have thought fucking 900 people in one year Would lead to me getting something by the way you're like you're a huge fag if you're To be gay like we're so gays are so normalized no one cares that you're gay We all love gays gays are awesome, and they're normal okay. Well everyone just turn the podcast people are normal now Gay people are like upset about these fucking trans people beating the shit out of it like like

People are boring now. It's not interesting, but now they're interesting again because they're getting huge diseases. It really is, yeah. They love their attention whores. So they have to, they keep, like the Hadron Collider, they're assholes into cocks. They're at each other a million miles an hour and creating new diseases underground, under Switzerland somehow.

Firing a gay man's cock at a gay man's ass. And creating a new disease. Yeah, faster than the sound of AIDS, yeah. Yeah, there's a scientist taking like a little picture and he goes, oh, it's a new type of cum. It only exists for one nanosecond, but it's a new cum. It's like Oppenheimer, they're putting on sunscreen, putting goggles to watch a guy get fucked.

It's just, they have big goggles on and you see the tower two miles away, there's just a guy's ass suspended. There's a whole, they're in court. There's a whole legal battle over it. They go, now how many cocks did you fit in one asshole? 37. To quote Patrice, God's trying to kill him. Did he say that about gay people? Well, he has that bit about Florida. He's like, God doesn't like you. Oh, right.

He's trying to kill you floods and hurricanes and shit. Mm-hmm. Like, God's trying to kill gay people. And that is the one thing you can't really argue with the theologian. He has been for quite a while at the same time. I mean, the timing of AIDS itself is quite remarkable. Like within, I think, nine months of the first gay person

getting elected to public office, all of a sudden there's a biblical plague that only kills gay people. And isn't it the worst disease? AIDS? Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't. AIDS is over.

AIDS is over. That's why God was like, all right, what else? Yeah monkeypox Yeah, God went into his little toolkit I don't think people die of AIDS anymore God went into his little sandbox of diseases with the middle of Africa Yeah, and he goes all right. What weird combo is shit. Can I just throw together? What about this really shiny bait? It's a fly fisher. Yeah, he's just wrapping string around a monkey's dick. He goes, this is gonna get him for sure. I guess brain cancer, that one's pretty bad.

Oh, there's a lot of horrific things out there I don't wanna think about, but gay people. Oh, I found out about one that's been fucking me up. What? I knew a guy, God rest his soul, he got melanoma in his eye. Which I did not know you could get. Skin cancer in his eye. Yeah, and then that turned into brain cancer

and that's what killed him. Well, he didn't think the way I do, so that guy sucks. And I'll be fine. Devin, I literally do. That's how you have to deal with these horrific things. You go, well, that guy didn't have the thoughts I do, so he's wrong. I'm not kidding, Ben's telling me that story.

I'm like, well, the guy clearly didn't blink the way, as much as I do, so he's wrong. I'm not kidding, Ben's telling me that, sorry. I'm like, well, the guy clearly didn't blink as much as I do, so he's an idiot. Obviously didn't know how to handle. Yeah, put on some sunglasses, idiot. Do you not know how to look? Well, I do, sorry. No, that's really horrific. It was really sad.

It's really horrifying and fucked up But it has happened to me yet, so that but it makes you want to wear like the Iron Man suit ever no I'm getting that way with the skin a little bit because I've know a couple people personally have gotten like bad skin cancer And then just have to get like just chunks cut out. I'm gonna be a guy I have a little white spot on my arm. Can I see? It's that thing. Oh, that's skin cancer for sure.

I don't think it. I couldn't be a chunk removed guy. Like if I got bit by a shark, I would turn to the shark and be like, yeah, just kill me. You already took a chunk out of my leg and it's weird. You'd be trying to slice your neck open on his mouth, like holding it open.

Yeah. No, I couldn't be like, when I hear the stories of like the guy who, you know, bear ripped his face off and then he just lived 40 years with no face, like some freak in the woods, I'm like, yeah, I would definitely kill myself at that point. Like I don't know how you don't do that. Yeah, you have to. I mean, I don't know how you don't do that. Yeah, you have to. I mean, I don't know. I always see photos on Twitter of a guy's face getting

rebuilt. And I'm like, who the fuck is rebuilding these faces? And they're doing such a horrible job of it. I know. They're like, thanks to modern science, we were able to make this guy look like if Homer Simpson was real life. You know that shitty AI where they make Homer real? Well, this guy looks like that.

He looks like a Pikmin now. He looks like a GameCube character from 2002. He has a big stem and a leaf coming out of his head. I hate that shit. Someone needs to get better at that. It's fucked up. I don't know if they're just letting one guy do it and he sucks ass. There's a guy on TikTok who I think I've told you about this guy where he's like he's like 21 and he was like A good-looking guy and then he got I think like some flesh-eating

bacteria and it like ate his face and arms off and they After two years, they finally gave him a face transplant, but the face was of an old Chinese woman and it didn't like take that well So now he has like if you took a Chinese woman's skin and kind of blew it up like a balloon and that's his face. And he's just like, he's walking around like still dressed like a hype beast, like he's got like Supreme and like, like, you know, the, the bape hoodies on.

And I'm just like, I don't know how you, how you do it, man. I don't know how you have that resiliency. Technically he's allowed to do the voice. Yeah. Cause he's actually to do the voice. Yeah. Because he's actually wearing the costume of another culture, but permanently. So he is actually allowed to say Ching Chong and Bing Bong. That is because the face looks one up.

It does look like he's just pulling his eyes back and walking around. Yeah, dude, every guy looks like Vincent D'Onofrio in Men in Black when he's pulling his skin back after he says sugar water. Yeah. It looks so bad. Why can't they, here's an idea.

MF Doom, just be a guy with a weird mask or something. Yeah, just wear a mask. Big, cool metal mask. Wear a big mask. You don't just accept- The Phantom of the Opera covered himself up. Why do these people just accept that their doctor gave them Al Jolson surgery?

Because they had their face ripped off. I would put a Jabberwocky mask on, and I would just break dance everywhere I went. Yeah. Some people think I was really cool. I'd put googly eyes on the back of my head and walk backward everywhere. Like you were hunting tigers in the jungle.

Yeah. You put on a V for Vendetta mask or some shit. Yeah, some shit like that. Or like a Jabberwocky mask. Yeah. And just like, no, I'm just a fucking Filipino wigger. At least put on like the mask in Drive that he wears. Yeah, yeah, put on a fucking stunt man mask.

So that's the thing that straight guys do, have you looked into that? No. Have you seen those guys on Twitter, it's like four or five dudes that are going out, they always take pictures of themselves and they're wearing those types of masks. Where it's supposed to not look real,

but it also is like the uncanny valley thing of like, you're clearly wearing a mask, but it looks close to a human being's face. And it's matching your skin tone. Those guys wear those masks and turns out, they all fuck each other in the ass and have crazy sex parties while wearing the masks. Which you wouldn't think happened. You'd think they would just go out and enjoy themselves and it wasn't a sexual thing at all. Is it a closeted thing where they're like, I want to... Yes.

Okay. Yeah, and you also can't, you don't know, like you can't recognize the other person because then you, though other people in the gay community only know you as a guy who's wearing this mask so then you can go back to your job or your wife and your kids and be you know what the mascot you're a superhero sort of yeah it's superhero except you're making the world the worst place overall you like a super villain villain really yeah really actually yeah close it to a super villain yeah I would love to if I was one of those closet guys, I would get a mass-mate that looks just like my best friend's face, and I would just go, have raw gays, and just ruin his life.

So when he's accused of being gay, I can come out, and then everybody has to be okay with it. Yeah, and then you jack off to that. Yeah, and then I jack off to ruining him and his kids' life. I go, this is so hot, because I'm a nefarious gay guy. We went to a fucking rabid gay bar after Ben's show. Yeah, we did. It wasn't good.

That was like going to the pound. Everybody was like, literally. You're walking by the cages and a guy's showing you his ass. Yeah, it was truly. They're like, please adopt me. Look, look. I don't have any cyst showing you his ass. Yeah, it was truly they're like, please adopt me. Look look I think I don't have any cysts on my ass the only way I can describe it do you ever guys ever see the Batman with

Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Iceman, of course Batman and Ooma Thurman is poison ivy Mm-hmm. You ever see that so her henchmen Bane an Ivy. You ever see that? So her henchmen. Bane. Who's Bane and that's what every gay guy looked like at the gay bar. I wish I could pull up a picture of that. Big green juice tubes going into every muscle in their body. I'll show Devin. And big leather masks on their head.

Man, this Osos vodka is killing me, man. I'm almost dying from the shit of fucking vodka. Shout out to J-Man for the Osos vodka. Shut up, J-Man. You're killing me, man. I'm almost dying from this shit. Shout out to J-Man for the Osos vodka. Shut up, J-Man, you're killing me, man. Truly the worst booze we've ever had, actually. First hangover I've had since returning from drinking. Not even trying, we're not trying to be like, you know, cool and shit on Bert and Tom or whatever.

It's this, this was, like, I don't think they filtered it once. I don't think so, no. Oh yeah, it was those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they look like they're deep-sea divers for ass There's a bunch of wires attached It's like a 20,000 leagues under the sea To get new diseases that died out millennia ago. They're fighting

Ships that wrecked in like 30 BC. Yeah, it looks like they're going down to like find the Titanic to fuck the dead bodies in the ass. That's why Cameron goes down there. They open a big treasure chest full of old Spanish dildos from the 1400s. Cameron's going down there so much. He's up to something down there. He must be doing, there must be some weird law that we don't know about that he can do whatever he wants down there. Once you're past a certain threshold, anything goes. Do you think he goes down to the Mayor's Treasurer,

pulls out a little tiny postage stamp of child pornography and then jacks off to it? That's tiny. Like a little full. It's the size of an acid hit. Like when notes are sneaked into prison and they have to fold fold it out like 15 times. Yeah, it's like when a 12-year-old jacks off

to a picture of tits that he like, he printed. He printed on his family computer. He printed it. And he keeps it like folded up behind like a dresser. He puts it in like a fake tooth. He keeps it in his mouth. He keeps his child born at the bottom of the sea. The Marriott's Trench.

He takes the Titanic. It's in the ocean. And he uses those robot arms to just pick it up and just bring it close to the glass. And then he just beats off. And he makes everyone in his submersible look away. He's like, shut up! I'm doing research!

Shut up! Everyone look away! I'm doing very secret experiments. This is holy! He's down there with a lawyer and a judge and a cop and the He's judges looking at the keys like I wish I could do something but technically he's flipping through the Constitution He's like I can't find anything I wish I could handcuff him

Yeah, these waters are hard. These waters are legal. Yeah legal the cops just holding a guy He's like he's like he's like check the fucking altitude dude negative 28,000 yet time doesn't exist down here Yeah, and he's like if you get above 26,000 I swear to God you sick son of a bitch if you go if you have that much if you could drop down that blow I think you can like do to net shit. So like you can like a DFC tenant or to net oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's it called? Tenet? Tenet? Yeah tenets Let's some little a French boy who gets fucked in Somewhere tenet where you you commit like sex crimes or you like jack off to CP and then you rewind

You can do tenets shit down there do whatever he, where his penis is sucking the cum back into him. Yeah, the cum's coming back into his penis. He's going, whoo! And he goes, that's because you're not cumming, you're catching the cum. I never saw that retarded movie. It's called Tenet. Oh, there we go.

I never saw Tenet, I heard it was one of the worst. It looks like a piece of shit I've never seen. I've seen the trailer, I we go. Hey, there we go. I never saw Tenet. I heard it was one of the worst. It looks like a piece of shit I've never seen. Yeah, I've seen the trailer. I watched clips. Yeah, the area. Tarantino's favorite movie or something. I think he loves to do that. He loves Tenet. His favorite thing is to like blow everyone's mind by saying, you know, the best movie ever made was, he goes, OK, man, the Cabbage Patch Dolls movie from eighty seven is the Citizen Kane of toy movies.

You're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, it'll be like the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. He's like, the Goofy Goober scene gives me chills. I was just listening to a podcast with him and I love listening to him talk because they brought up Robert Altman and it was eight minutes. I was like, what does Tarantino think about Robert Altman?

And it starts with him going like, okay man, so here's the thing, I was seeing McCabe and Mrs. Miller at a midnight showing and then you watch the whole video and he realized he didn't talk about Robert Altman at all. He just talks about running into Richard link later and just hanging out. Well, that is the fun thing He's such a narcissist. Yeah, that's that's the funnest guy to listen to talk Yeah, just a crazy rapid talking narcissist who's on coke. He loves feet I saw a viral video some lady made him sign his foot really sign her foot Jesus and he did it. Yeah, which makes me think it is real. Oh, no, it's a hundred percent real

He went off and jacked off to that lady's foot later that you think he blows ropes on toes I think he prints out I think he buys women shoes and blows ropes all over them he goes to pay less and gets like a whole goon box and Just blows ropes over like a whole goon box and just blows ropes over like a pair of Adidas size 8. Can I say I really hate that? Yeah. No, it sucks, man. I know you're not supposed to kink shame or whatever, but if I walked in on my buddy jacking

off on a high heel shoe, like a red high heel shoe. I'd rather you catch me getting fucked in the ass by a man than jacking off into a shoe. As opposed to a woman Yeah, yeah instead of like looking at a shoe like it was a sexy lady Would you get fucked in the ass by a lady if given the opportunity? No, I don't think so. I just don't wait. Have you done that? I don't like a girlfriend to do like a little like pinky for once and just to try it and I didn't like it At all. Thank God, I immediately got soft,

so I was like, well I can just cross that like off the list. I have a friend who he jacks off with a toothbrush up his ass. No that guy's gay and should be put down. He takes a toothbrush, he shoves it up his ass to hit his sphincter and he says it makes the loads way bigger and better. That makes sense actually, I've heard of those things.

Does he use the toothbrush? He's brushing his teeth while he's doing it. As it goes in and out it's the perfect... Yeah it's a really long toothbrush. It's like an orthopedic massager for your back. And he just humps his teeth clean. I'll never shove anything up my ass and that's my promise to you the listener. Sounds like you're a gay dude. I'll never put anything in my ass. Sounds like you're a gay dude. to you the listener sounds like I'll never put anything in my

Sounds like you're gay dude. I'll never do it. I'll never put those vibrating eggs. I'll never put a finger Not a not a anal bead Not a fist seems like you know a lot about a lot of things that go in asses man. Yeah, I read I go to the library reading Herman Melville. You go, ah, yes, yes, the bead. The egg! How do they get a fist in there? I've heard, this was at Daniel Tosh. I've been fortunate enough to never click on any of the videos.

I know this was at Daniel Tosh, but it's you, you, it's not, you don't punch it into an ass, you make your hand like that, like a cone. And then turn it into a fist when it's up there? And then once you get up there, you turn it into a fist and start moving it around and shit. That's, that's, uh, that's horrific. Thumbs down. That's horrific.

Two thumbs down. That's horrific. You're Siskel and Ebert for sex stuff. Yeah, I'm gonna become a guy who, I'm a, yeah, I'm a, I have a letter box, but I just review gay porn. I give them all a half star. I'm like, it sucked. No pussies.

Got fucked. Why does he keep watching these? That's what you go on letter box and people are like, I didn't like the film. I hate horror movies. I'm like, then why did you, you knew it was a horror movie. Why did you watch it?

You know you don't like them. I hate movies that are scary. I didn't like Saw 3. Why did you watch it? You know you don't like them. I hate movies that are scary. I didn't like Saw 3. Why did you go? Why go? Stay home. Go see anything else. You're not allowed to say you don't like the movie

if you don't like those types of movies. You dumb fuck. Holy shit. I refuse to get on Letterboxx. I think he's on it. I'm on it. He's a big fan. That's fine. I just think too many people are like, Jay should be.

Jay should be one of nine people on it. But like, I'm just, I don't know, Twitter just ruined like movie opinions for me. I'm like, you all are retards. Everyone's thinking on such a, on a level that's not honest about movies anymore that I'm like, I don't even, I don't trust anyone's review. There's a gang of people who hate our taste in movies on this show because like we say we like Quentin Tarantino and like Martin Scorsese and then they say those are the only films we like watch or whatever.

Because we just love, because they're so great that we like them a lot more. Well, I mean, I love tons of people, but like I'm not gonna reference some guy that no one knows of a film I've watched I've watched the 400 blows. I didn't really like it that much. So, you know, whatever I don't even know what you're talking about. But I'm assuming it's gay and I'll never see it. Yeah, it's a gay French movie I'm assuming it's a movie half the time

You're wrong. You're on Wikipedia reading about it and you're going down a rabbit hole about some French guy who sucked ass. Mm-hmm Yeah, you start playing a geography game on my phone. And then when it's done, I get a letterbox. I go, three and a half stars, Chouffant's fantastic. Anyway. You should actually become a geoguessor guy. Geoguessor? You can make us go viral if you did that.

I'm kind of doing that. I'm learning. I have a geoguessing game on my phone. I've just been learning. I've been teaching myself the globe, all the nations. The way you say it makes me terribly sad. Why? Because you came in and you go, yeah, I'm

getting really into the globe. Well, I think that's a very noble, I'm like a man of science, and I think I'm doing noble scientific pursuits. How dare you? It's really bad, right? Dude, I'm dying. Shout out to J-Man Says for giving us the Osos.

Shout out to J-Man Says. It's killing me. I go, ah, it's horrible. Get this thing. It is like old prospector liquor. It really sucks ass. Before we get out of here, Devin, are you not worried at all that you're not treating life

like a marathon and you're just sprinting with the liquor? Because obviously, when we're in Europe, people do the beers, and they have longevity, they have long lives. You see videos of farmers picking turnips and they have three beers with every meal, you know? And they're like 94. What's the difference between liquor and beer?

It's booze and both of them. It's harder for your liver to process the amount of alcohol that you're giving it and then you're also needing more and more to have the effect that you're seeking. I always thought it was equivalent. Like if you have three Vodka Tonics, that's like having three beers. Yeah, that's what they, that's what I think it is. It's like the same amount of alcohol. He gives himself too much liquor at once for his

body to process, is what I'm saying. As opposed to a beer, he's going to, it's a delivery system that's a lot slower. But Devin just pounds the, cause he's worried about his figure, he's vain. I haven't pounded the beer. Every day I see, every day I walk in here, there's a pallet of Bert Kreischer's vodka sitting on his stoop.

That he's desperately waiting to arrive. No, I mean- He's kicking away free Oso's hats he got for buying so many bottles of vodka. I'm definitely aware of it, for sure. I think you should switch to arrive. No, I mean he's kicking away free osos hats. He got for buying so many bottles. I'm definitely aware of it For sure. I think you should switch to beer Yeah, but then you're then you're having 900 grams a lot of calories carbs a night Which is also very bad. I mostly most of the time I go Monday through Friday without drinking Most of the time and most of the time meaning almost never.

I was waiting for it. And some of the time, which I mean all of the time, I drink every day. Well, you know, it's hard because somebody wants to hang out with me and I go, well, you suck ass. I need to drink to see you. What are you going to do? How do I do this?

What, do I talk to you? No, no, it is, it's becoming an issue. Not really, not really, I'm okay. You really bothered me. I'm well aware of it, I'm well aware of what's going on. No, you're just, you know, you could drink as much as you are, but you could do it at a slower pace, is what I mean.

That's, yeah, that's true. I did that in a performative way and I wanted to remember what it tasted like because I kind of forgot with Jase. I knew it tasted like shit, but. No, I don't buy bottles of liquor for the house. You just gotta ship to you by fans. Often, it's just being shipped to me.

They're trying to kill me. There is another fan shipping us a different bottle of vodka. Oh, OK. Well, I'll have to drink that, too. What is the bottle? It's from Brighton Beach. He says he knows what all the good Russians drink in Brighton Beach. So he's sending that over. And that'll be in the PO box. That sounds good. Yeah. I mean, it can't be worse than the Two Bears 1K vodka that nearly killed me.

That's giving me a two day hangover. Yeah. And slice my thumb open. Yeah. You're right. But, you know. I'm all for, again. You gotta live fast. You gotta do it the European way of just having that constant steady buzz

with a beer in your hand. You gotta go to the pub, you gotta be around your mates. You gotta, I mean, Devon, we were in London for damn near 10 days. And any time Devon got liquor, he would drink it and he'd be like, he'd look around and he'd go, fuck, it's not working! What the fuck?

And he'd get another one and he's like, what's going on? They're liquor's bullshit. It's not, I'm not blacking out! I'm only buzzed! And everyone's like, yeah, that's the point. You want to be buzzed and everything's good. And Devan's like, no. Well, yeah, the people. I want to go cross-eyed.

Devan's like, I'm hanging out with Ben. I need to get dropped. It's like, how many times can I hear you talk about the same person over and over again in a loop? How are you this fucked up when you're sober? It's unbelievable. Oh, me. You have hyper fixations with people, how dare you.

You're mentally insane. When I walked in today, he was watching a big documentary about Andrew Schultz and he was like in sandals and like leisurely. I had been watching a ton of other stuff all day. It just came on YouTube. It's about Stiney and Schultz and you know. You should do a lot, you should do.

And Ethan Klein thinks Schultz is a dick now. Really? He's talking to Stiney and Schultz, you know. And Ethan Klein thinks Schultz is a dick now. He's talking to Stiney about it. Oh my God. And I don't know what's going on, it just came on. Did Worthless retards that are rich as fuck get in a fight with each other again? It just came on. Oh, you could keep pretending you're totally

out of the loop with this guy. I have no idea what's going on. He keeps me, no it's like, it's like. And you're not in this world at all. I feel like I'm talking to my mom. He's like, Brad and Angelina are back together. I know you walked through the front door like a moth and just started banging your head against the TV screen

once you saw it. Me and Devin actually, we're watching tons of Elephant Graveyard together. Ben loves to conveniently act like he's better than all this stuff. So hilarious. You are this. I am what?

You're all, you're the whole, that whole world. You kidding me? Well yeah, I'm a podcaster, sure. You just think as you got back into standup that now you're like separated from it? I'm doing 20 minutes in Costa Mesa tomorrow night, come on out. Ooh, man.

And they are not gonna be Lemon Party fans, so that'll be rough for you. I can't wait to horrify them. I can't wait to walk the entire room. Well actually, Costa Mesa might as well just be called Lemon Partyville. It really should. So you probably will kill Lemon Party County.

We've seen guys go up and we're like, Jesus Christ. I've seen guys go up and drop F and R in the first 15 seconds. Oh, god damn. Remember, we saw a white guy drop an M bomb and get a standing ovation. Dude, I forgot about that. Yeah, at a?

The whole bar was. At the Cast Man's show in Costa Mesa. That was amazing. Yeah, yeah. They carried him out like Rudy. Yeah, yeah. Because he was shouting the N word at the end. Yeah, yeah. People were standing. They haven-word at the end. And people were standing.

They haven't stood in eight hours. They were standing. The bit it was like. People were throwing roses at him. The bit, it was like a Carlin bit. But I'm not kidding. He said every slur that exists, like 30 of them in a row. And it ended with N-word.

And then the people were like, woo! And there was one black guy there wearing like an Islander's jersey. And he was like, come on, like mommy and then I confronted that comic outside for stealing my material Actually, I just I say hey man, you're stealing my essence hey, man I'm kind of known as those every single slur guy. That's kind of my thing. That's my thing. It was Steve Byrne Yeah, then what jumps on stage like Rogan? We're watching Red Band Star Wipe videos

of you saying you do the N-word bit. Speaking of which, people are accusing Rogan of stealing material from people. From Shob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, who could have come up with those two hack bits coincidentally? What's the bit?

I don't know. What is it? It's just it's just the Chinese voice. He does like a bad Chinese joke about he doesn't I thought that part was funny when he was cuz he's so little and he's screaming in Chinese about how China China did the virus or whatever something like that. Yeah, it's funny They're saying he stole that from shops awful voice, where he lied about his UFC doctor. Are you talking about Brendan Schaub's barber? Doesn't he have a fake barber who's Chinese? His doctor, he goes, what pen are you live?

What pen are you live? The guy's literally an American. No, I've watched an interview of the guy and he goes, so we got Brendan backstage, we shot some Novacaine. He has no accent whatsoever. So Brendan did like a voice and then people are saying like Rogan stole that from him.

It's just, it's just, you know, it's, it's a, it's the hack calling the hack a hack. I, I, I, I. Can we, how about this? Sure. 100th episode of Living Party, what do you say, I reach out to Brendan Schaub and see if we can get him as the special guest.

Cause we have the 100th Episode coming up and everybody's worried about what we're gonna do for the 100th episode. Yeah, why do people need anything to happen? What do we do? What are we supposed to fucking do? Well a lot of podcasts They I don't know they dress up like things when it's like Christmas or whatever they I love that over when I listen, you know, God forbid people tell jokes I love knowing what they're wearing when I'm listening. Oh, he's dressed up like a big We're so bad at your spoken word medium you have to dress up like a pineapple No, yeah, we could I get you know, we could hit him up see what he thinks

We've I mean who would you guys want this? We don't have a room. my only word, but there's no room for guests. It's kind of put them here I guess why we made it. Yeah, so no you come in What if we just make them stand in the corner and like duck? Yeah the whole time He's a big guy my worry would be that he'd flip his Ford Raptor into the studio Driving up here. He tries to fuck Ben on the way Did he flip his truck cuz one of his big shoes got wedged under the accelerator? One of his big Zitz shoes? I think he just did that fight thing with Rogan.

Oh, fight companion? Yeah, yeah. So they're good. Did they talk about the joke? No, I don't think so. I think that's just for... Because comedians should take those accusations seriously. Listen man, for the guy that went after Carllson and see it's a kind of interesting He's like stealing jokes from shop now, man. Mm-hmm. What did elephant graveyard say about it? I don't know I don't know. Yeah. Well, here's the thing Devon. Oh, I think he actually started it really interesting

I think he just has some part in some long video That like kind of seems like a good job joke. Devin, when you say stealing jokes is kind of like sucking 1,000 dicks in front of your mom. Yeah, one would say that when you bomb, it's like sucking 1,000 dicks in front of your mom. Except there's probably some people out there who like to suck 1,000 dicks in front of their mom.

Exactly. And then Adam Sallor comes in and makes it good. And then Adam Sandler comes in and makes it good. Adam Sandler never even got to promote his special. It's just Adam Sandler came on and went, oh no, that's an interesting point about the Cimmerians. Yeah, that's good. He was talking to Adam Sandler like he was just another guy. I thought it was very strange.

He posted on Instagram, you said this to me. He posted, Adam Sandler was on the episode, one of the nicest guys. Yeah, he was one of the nicest, coolest dudes I've ever met. Not, he doesn't, I don't think he knows Adam Sandler is an amazing, comedic actor. He probably doesn't respect his standup

because he does music on stage, and he probably is the only cool thing that's happened. He didn't mention a single thing about Adam Sandler being funny in his Instagram post. I love Sandler's stand up, I think it's so good. I don't even give a shit about that, Adam fucking Sandler, he's funnier than almost everybody. He's the best. He's the best, yeah.

He's unbelievable. That's the thing, is like, how are you not asking him about like Philip Seymour Hoffman, you know? You're just asking him about like Boston Con. Oh, that would be funny, he is like Philip Seymour Hoffman on, he goes, one of the nicest guys Even that's inappropriate. We're like, so everybody's a sniper Everybody's an amazing

Extraordinary unbelievable and then Adam Stanley is just a nice guy Philip Seymour Hoppin was just on man and he has some really interesting thoughts on Pangea Okay, do you know who he is? On Pangaea. Yeah, yeah. He just goes, he's like, so I was doing the Master, and he goes, I don't know what that is, let's not talk about it. I don't want to talk about that.

Have you read Chariots of the Gods? Rogan's like, what's art? Jamie has to Google image art. Jamie's like, this is art, Joe. It's a subsect of of you could be in movies, you could draw things, you could write, you could be, he goes, yeah, yeah, but what about fucking aliens, man? What if a chimp was an alien?

And Adam sounds like, right. You know what's funny? His favorite art is a psychedelic thing on YouTube where it rings and does this. You know what I mean? It's a psychedelic weird YouTube video. His favorite art is those black light Alice in Wonderland felt posters.

You get a hot topic. For like 2007. Yeah, he goes, he goes, I mean, that really like makes you think, you know? Like, it's upside down topsy turvy, you know? Yeah. I'm a little bit of a popsy-turvy, them every Wednesday and Friday at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time those days and

We're trying to find another venue to do stand-up at Where it's not incredibly uncomfortable? And the beers don't cost $45. Yeah, that venue sucked. Yeah. It was a terrible place. Yeah, what do you get in there? I kinda called it.

I said for weeks earlier, I was like, people are gonna hate that. And everyone, if they had come to the 7-Eleven and drank with me out front, they would've had a great fuckin' time. It seemed everybody that got fucked up at the 7-Eleven that stood in the back had a great time. Had a great time. But everyone that that was sitting what are you gonna get a $19?

Boilermaker the fuck out of here with those fucking those fucking weird droopy faced retards behind the bar It's just two fucking miserable pieces of shit behind the bar Did they have the fake shot glasses too where it's like that's that's not a real shot. Yeah, where it's an illusion, where the bottom's like high up. Pushed up, yeah. It was like not even a shot. That place can suck my cock. It's like if you turned Thunder Mountain into a bar.

It stinks, fuck off. Go watch Boardwalk Empire if you want that experience. And in Boardwalk Empire, every drink's 75 cents. Everybody at the Virgil's like, I love sconces. Yeah. I love a good sconce. Yeah, great green room, by the way, too, where you have to walk on stage

in front of everybody to go up. Oh, actually there was a door around there. I don't, I'm not looking into that. No one told me. Did you just, middle of the show, you just crawl up on stage and walk. Oh, I walked on stage like 30 times. I think I screamed at people, too.

I could sense, I could sense an unrest in the crowd. I could sense people were like, this is, I don't like this. You're pushing people down apparently. Oh my. Mowing through people. Ben told me I pushed a guy aside. I didn't know about that. I feel bad for everyone who does.

No, you shouldn't feel bad about that. I was so proud of you in that moment. I was so proud of you. That I was like enough of you already that moment. I was so proud of you. But I was like enough of you already or something. I don't remember. I apologize folks if I was a problem that night. I love you all. I love the community.

Devin. I really do. Devin got wrapped up in the whole, Devin loves standup comedy so much he just got wrapped up in the whole night. He got carried away cause he loves standup comedy so much. Dude what a night, what a night. He got carried away because he loves stand-up comedy so much. Dude, what a night. What a night.

People recited things. It was fun. Well, except for- The stars were aligned. People bombed. That's the thing we got to figure out moving forward, is the Lemon Party audience seems to hate stand-up comedy. I wonder why.

Yeah. So I mean- It seemed like that to me, a little bit. I'm gonna try to get better at improvising, be off the cuff, say things crazily, but any comic that is going to get booked on it for the near future, if they go like, hey, so I have a girlfriend,

everyone in the Living Party audience is like, this fucking sucks. Yeah, but you can, boo. But here's the thing, I'm excited about that aspect of it. Keep, book everyone in the city. That's, Connor books it, by the way, if anyone's listening, do not ask me. We should book people that we hate. But you know it's here's the thing like I'm excited about that aspect of it book We've Connor books it by the way if anyone's listening do not ask me that we hate yeah, just book everybody It is beautiful. It's like a stand-up Ho Chi Minh trail where somebody's like oh, this is going great Then they step in a big grenade bit. Yeah, just explode I've been really getting into rap and hip-hop lately and my friend Travis sent me this board so I can make beats. It's like a thousand dollar board

It's one of those things that like yeah, MIDI beat maker guys. It's something that J Dilla used in the hospital Yeah, yeah free diet of AIDS, right? It's one of those things sure He said was a dialysis machine My friend sent me a diatomaceous. My friend's like, IV drip. That's like, I love. Yeah, Ben loves J. If I start drinking water. Ben loves J. Dilla because his album's called Donuts.

It is. One of those J. Dilla machines. What if I go to the hospital and the nurse is like, Doc, his body's rejecting the IV bag. He's never had water before. Ah, shit. He goes, all right, put Baja Blast in the IV bag. He's never had water before All right, but but Baja blasts in the IV bag We've never done that before

Are you sure we can do that? God damn it? I served three years in the Mississippi Delta do it He's pouring aspartame down my throat a bottle. There's just aspartame on it. Yeah, they're shocking They're putting the defibrillator over your stomach and hitting it clear They're putting the defibrillator over your stomach and hitting it. Clear! Psh! He opens my chest cavity and he has those little spatula guys that make omelets at diners. He starts doing that with my organs. Yeah, yeah. They cut the little hole in your neck,

but just so he can shove Smarties down it. What were we talking about? Oh, I think I'm gonna start, I think I'm gonna become a the shows and do my own beats and my own raps. Okay, cool. I'm just because I'm starting to I want to embrace like the the the other side of culture in America, you know, and I want to never once looked into or cared about ever. Yeah, it is funny. It is funny. I can look at it with fresh eyes and I can bring my own spin on things. I can look at it with my own eyes. Yeah, it is funny. It is funny. Now's the time. Well, no, I can look at it with fresh eyes

and I can bring my own spin on things. It's like instead of watching a basketball game, Ben's like, I'm going to play in the NBA. But it's still racist because Ben's like, I can look at it with fresh eyes, not like glossy eyes. Not jaundice-y eyes. We're like, you could read like you know beloved by Tony Morrison the beat machines I understand black people all right everybody

patreon.com slash lemon party go there we have like 95 episodes video and audio and we'll see you guys next week. Peace out. Bye. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in roses cantina Music would play and Bolita would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Polita, wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican maid. I was in love, but in vain I could tell. One night a while young cowboy came in Wild as the west Texas way