lemonparty - 097: Fat Kid Hell

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

Use code "LEMON" to get 50% off your first order at Ruby's Flowers H*mp Farm. Directly from their farm to your home! Support the show and use promo code LEMON on MyBookie to claim a bonus up to $1,000 on your 1st deposit. Get started at https://mybookie.website/LEMON Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping with the code LEMON at https://www.usejoymode.com more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty live dates: https://www.lemonparty.life/livedates ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I would love to annihilate another person. Yeah. Line up the firing gallery, please. I kind of feel like we should just get back to our roots and just annihilate new people. Yeah. You should have a Google Doc full of fat people for the show.

Every episode. That we just fire our way down. Yeah, I should have a Rolodex of some kind. You need the school shooter list that like Steve Buscemi had in Happy Gilmore. Or like Billy Madison. Or the jerk, the serial killer. He goes through the phone book and he goes like Steve Jenkins. Sounds like a real asshole.

You need to go through a Weight Watchers membership book. We just find some kind of fat person. I want to be like the Oklahoma City bomber of podcasting. I want the fans to finally say we've gone a little too far. Yeah, you're like the Richard Snell of podcasting. Who's that? He was the white supremacist that funded the entire operation.

Love that guy. Yeah. Forgot about that guy. Yeah, they didn't know where any of the money was going. Wild Bill was robbing banks and stuff. And they had no paper trace of where any of the money was going. This was for OKC?

The OKC bombing. It was after Waco. So they felt vindicated because they were like, yeah, but Waco was fucking gorg. Ah! The government! Ah! Gosh darn it.

But at the same time, we're going to use the government to fucking be insane white supremacists! To kill 500 secretaries! I'm going to fucking blow the shit out of secretaries! What if we put a bomb under a daycare? And children suck! I hate children! Did you guys watch a doc on it recently? I've seen a lot of docs on it.

I actually have. Oh yeah. I haven't it. Oh, yeah. I haven't watched that. That's like the one mass tragedy I don't know that much about. It's pretty fascinating, man. There's actually a tremendous documentary in HBO Max about McVeigh. And then also, I highly recommend everyone out there

to watch the Waco series on Showtime. Love that. I actually started re- Michael Shannon. I started re-watching that. Yeah. And Shay Wiggum. Yeah. One of my faves, Wiggum. It's on the show. Yeah. Yeah, it's a Waco season one is amazing you got a fucking Taylor kich finally doing some great work besides

You know he's not doing true to take of season two which is a complete base of shit and then Yeah, Taylor kich is only good in Friday Night Alliance and he's finally showing his chops as a... You didn't like John Carter? No, I did not. You didn't like John Carter from Mars? More of a Vince Carter guy.

But yeah, and the Waco season two is amazing about the aftermath and it kinda gets into McVeigh, but the documentary on HBO Max is tremendous about the OKC stuff. I just know about that black... McVeigh was at the documentary on HBO Max is tremendous about the OKC stuff. I just know about that black. McVeigh was at Waco. Yeah, I know that. Like he watched it at.

Him and Bill Hicks were both hanging out at Waco. Yeah, they both watched, yeah. Yeah, and McVeigh gave Bill, he stabbed Bill Hicks and gave him pancreatic cancer. Jesus, really? He stabbed him with a little needle full with cancer on the tip and it lodged in his lungs Yeah, that was one of the most dangerous places to be on earth at the time

I think that there's a that McVeigh saw Bill Hicks his big duster and cowboy ad he goes. Hey, man, you're pretty cool You want to go blow up a bunch of black people with me? The I love iconic photos from history sure because it's usually just like an Asian guy getting murdered. Like the one of the Viet Cong guy with the gun in his head. And he's going, woo, woo. He's getting sucked. And then there's also the Ho Chi Minh one, where an Asian guy is bowing to a tank as he's about to get squished.

Oh, the Tank Man guy? Yeah. Yeah, no, that's great. You know Ho Chi Minh? The trail? The trail? I thought it was the Ho Chi Minh square. Isn't that what it is?

No, it's Tien Minh Square. Tian Minh Square. Tian Minh Square. What the fuck is Ho Chi Minh, then? Ho Chi Minh was a trail. And it's a trail where you go to it. It's a bunch of noodles, and there's a shrimp and some beef on top of it.

And then they give you a sweet sauce and you pour it over the trail. But you have to watch out, because there's the bean sprouts and I don't like those that much. But then there's lettuce in it too. It's a vermicelli. Vermicelli.

Yeah, you know like a nice little rice noodle? Yeah. The vermicelli trail. It's like a shumai. Vermicelli trail. You can get Ho Chi Minh trail with an egg noodle too if you want. That's more your speed.

No, it was the, Ho Chi Minh was a guy and they named the trail after him and it was like everybody got their ass blown up. But wasn't he a, On Ho Chi Minh Trail. That was Ho Chi Minh. Look at him. Look at him.

Yeah, look at him. That's the most Japanese a guy's ever looked right there. Yeah. With the glasses and the big long beard. He would throw you a towel and you'd go wipe yourself off, you bleeding. Ho Chi Minh. Ho Chi Minh. You ever had. (*laughing*) Ho Chi Minh. Ho Chi Minh.

You ever had a Vietnamese coffee? Ho Chi Mama. I love a Vietnamese coffee. A Vietnamese coffee. You would love a Vietnamese coffee. Will fucking make you fucking let yourself be lit on fire. Yeah. Vietnamese coffee's like what they feed African children

to keep them from dying. It's like powdered milk. If I made my own Vietnamese coffee, it would be, the cover of the coffee would be the picture of the children running With the the fucking gas yeah, what was it that stuck on oh the Coffee so good it gives you gonorrhea. Mm-hmm. No, it's funny that there's also bombing campaigns like Cambodia. I think Cambodia, you know nothing about, and then you research it, and you're like, yeah, the US dropped 200,000 bombs on Cambodia.

Yeah. And you're like, why? And we're like, I don't know. We just really had to. Yeah. Because they were firing. They were making too many donuts. They were up to something.

You okay, Ben? Tiananmen Square was Chinese? Tiananmen Square was Chinese Tiananmen Square was Chinese. That was the one where the tank rolled into that one guy and he He was trying to do a door-dash order and the tank was in his way and then Ho Chi Minh that is Chinese Southpaw Which is what I call Vietnam. Yeah, Ho Chi Minh is he's Vietnamese. They're not Chinese Whatsoever we call them Chinese. They look absolutely Chinese. Because of the eyes. Wait, you don't think Vietnamese people look Chinese?

Are you getting a new skull science for eyelids? No, they don't, because they look. Wait, wait, wait, am I the only person who think Vietnamese people look Chinese? Well, you could say all Asians look Chinese. Yeah, actually. Not Japanese, there's a distinct difference between Japanese and Chinese.

What, Japanese? Their eyes are all, their eyes. Their skin's more yellow. Not Japanese I can there's a distinct Their skins more yellow They can say what you're doing Well, you're doing is somehow more racist than saying all Asian people look alike To know what what type of like like they're Pokemon like what goes with what Japanese have a sortin aura sophistication to them sorting aura. Sophistication to them.

Yes. But the other savages don't. Like a swan. And the other ones, they seem to live as if they weren't given a soul. OK, I mean, we could try and bring it down. Sort of like an Android, kind of like a robot. It's like you got your Apple, you got your iPhones,

you got your Androids, you got your Google phones. OK, this is C. Thank you, Dev Apple you got your iPhones you got your Android you got your Google phone, okay This is you Yeah, thank you. Yeah, and then you got your flip phones. You got you the flip who are the Indians? They're just taking like eight-bit pictures of pussies on it and then these are the I Don't even know if Devin remembers this. No, I'm sorry, it's the, Jace, do you remember we had this? Oh, the Razor?

No, this right here. We had this very, very briefly. Firefly phone. Oh, wow. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That was just like to call, to let your parents know you just got molested. Yeah, it was like,

it was just hard watching our. You would call. Hey, you can pick me up from my Nickelodeon trailer now. Oh yeah, no, the whole church just raped me. You can pick me up now. Yeah, as a phone for Drake Bell. Yeah, they go, honey, the phones programmed to call your dad and Drake the rapper. That's it.

Yeah, we had one of those at one point. Yeah, I think our parents just got it to us in case we were about to get raped, right? Remember the dinner bug? They said, dude, they go, it's very expensive to call me, so do not phone me unless, unless. I want you to see the white of his penis. You have to be sure that something's about to happen to you.

If his dick isn't out, that phone does not ring. I want you. You know the boy that cried wolf? We don't want that to happen to us Do we mm-hmm and then you get raped and call them and then they'd be like oh, we're not we're not gonna do anything about that And you owe us eight dollars That's how much it is per call. That's a crazy looking phone looks like it's like a Chia pet of a phone Yeah, like you got really eat it for it to like make calls. It really sucked ass. I never wanted to carry it, my parents,

because you can't, it only calls like your parents. So I was like, I don't want this stupid fucking thing. And they just made us. And who are they to call their parents? Jesus, yuck. Oh yeah, I guess the whole thing with the phone was like a guy couldn't call you and he's like, hey, I've been randomly dialing numbers

hoping that children answer. I've been going through the phonebook looking for child-like names. I've called every Cindy Lou in the phonebook. It's a mind hunter phone. Yeah. But yeah. It's always so scary when you get a call from someone,

and you answer, and the child's there, and then you go, ah! You get calls from children? Yeah. You never got to pick up the there and you go, ah, ah! You get calls from children? Yeah, you never gotta pick up the phone and go, who is this? And it's like, hi, hi, my name is Johnny. Nope. Hi. This never happened to me in my whole life. Are you my mommy?

Never, not once as a child. You've never had a child call you? I've had babies call me where it's like, it's like goo goo ga ga. I like to think you've had kidnapped victims run to a pay phone, hit a collection of numbers and then it rings and you go, shut the fuck up. They go, hey I've been taken in a van,

my name's, you just shut the fuck up. No, you know what's funny? It's actually usually my door dash driver. It's a child. Hi, I'm Tyler Fanny. Your apartment number? Your pad time is seven. DoorDash driver. It's a child. Hi, I'm Tyler, hi. Yeah, Pat, yeah. Yeah, Pat has. I'm seven.

Yeah, Pat has, it leaks through my tricycle and burns my legs. But it's here. He's delivering my butter chicken on a tricycle. Yeah, it takes five hours. And you go, that will be zero stars. No tip. Jack, don't tip him.

No tip, and I will be complaining to the app afterwards. He's on the Shining bike. Yeah. Like going down to the Turr-a-Bull of Arc. Steven Spielberg character. Just cars are just going, whoa, whoa. He's like nine pounds of butter chicken. All right, gotta get Mr. Avery's butter chicken.

Ooh. Hey, thanks little buddy, thank you. And a no tip. No tip. And no tip. And picture of my food missing item I'm hiding out of frame. Got your ass.

I broke my no tipping rule today. What did you do? Well, you have a no tipping rule in place? You don't tip or you mean you broke like you didn't tip? We have a pact on this now, I thought, with the no tipping. You guys aren't tipping?

Didn't we not have a pact about this? Oh, I don't tip at coffee shops. Thank you. This is what I'm saying. No, that's not a no tip policy. That's how you should go through life. That's common sense. No, since the iPad came out,

I've been hitting 20 or 15%. No, I ended that. I don't do that anymore. You gotta shut that down quick. I'm done getting panicked and being like, Oh yeah sure here's the fucking $8 more for this fucking bullshit coffee that by the way tastes like shit. It does taste like shit. Your coffee's sour.

Fuck single origin beans. I don't give a shit about Africa. Africa sucks. My coffee sucks now. Give me two origins, bitch. I want my coffee to be from Seattle. Seattle's best. Fuck Africa. We should do this in an actual coffee shop in front of a they. We should go to like Intelligentsia and do that. I'm not kidding, man. I'm so sick of it. They always always go. Oh this coffee came from A bat ate it and shit it out

From the crystalization in the cave, in the cave, and we juice the shit and you make our coffee. No, it sucks, it's sour! Give me A.M.P.M. coffee! Folgers, bitch. Folgers! Coffee sucks dick now, dude. It's sour. And it tastes like tea a lot of the time.

You go to Pete's Coffee, they give you tea. I was at Pete's earlier today. It stinks. That's why you're so mad right now. I don't know what happened to Pete's. Pete's is an abomination. I grew up, I remember my mom and dad, they used to stop on the side of the road to go to a Pete's.

You were a proud Pete's user. Pete's was a special place when I was a boy. When I was a young boy. You go, Mom, can we go to Pete's? Can we go to Pete's? And they go, on your birthday next week. You know that. No, I mean, I never care about the chair.

Can I explain why? So there's a spectrum of bitterness to fruitiness within your pool when you're making an espresso? Yeah, you're a spectrum of fruitiness. Fag. Got you, dude. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Double choked chocolate cookie.

Can I tell you, I love them. I love them so much. I know, I keep showing them to Devon in a pissing mom. Double choked chocolate. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Why are there so many avalanches? The dad is evil. The Costco guy dad? Double chung chocolate cookie. Double chung chocolate cookie. That guy's a maniac. We're gonna get the Rizzle over here to suck my cock. No, it's gonna get really dark. We're gonna wake up one day and we're gonna find out

that the Costco dad murdered, suicide his whole family, left them in a fucking, like, you know, in a water tank, 30 miles outside his home. Made them into a Costco hot dog, ate him. Jason, what do I type in to find that video of the Costco dad? Costco guys behind the scenes, perhaps? Should I say abusive?

Maybe, or maybe. Sure, type in abusive. Maybe behind the scenes, possibly? Type in abusive. By the way, their names are AJ and Big Justice, and there's also the Rizler. And it's ironic because you think Big Justice will be the dad, but the kid is big justice. Yeah, that's why it's funny. Yeah The tick-tock cost

Twitter video I think you got to go. Oh, we gotta go Twitter on it Yeah, Twitter only you do realize that cover picture of him and his kid is that's the same as You do realize that cover picture of him and his kid is that's the same as That's the same as when like a kid in high school has their football picture and they hold their helmet You go well, you're gonna die in a drunk driving accident Like that's that's definitely these guys are gonna die in some mirror and they're gonna freak accident No, they're gonna die the dad's gonna murder the kid and kill himself. Mm-hmm. This is I Mean this guy will kill his family. Devin, and I hope you're right.

Why do you think I watch? Why do you watch the O.J. Simpson chase Devin to see a spectacle happen? You're damn right, you're damn right. So here we go, here we go. This is the one, right? Here we go, yeah. Okay, here we go.

Action. Three, two, one. Boom! No, no, we're here with Jake kind of funny. He goes, you're not saying the fuck about mine, right? No, we're here with Jake kind of funny. Is that their oldest kid at the bottom? This is their slave that they bring out. Who is that?

Is that guy a part of the family? I believe that's Sneeko. Yeah. Is that Sneeko? No, I'm doing a bit. No, but that's funny. Hahahaha! I did it. That's actually funny. It was just, you know.

Very good. Timing worked out that way for me. Very good. Very good. Very good, Ben. Very good. He's hitting me, he's hitting me. He's like the Costco Dad.

Well, yeah. Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Is that the real kid? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHH A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A Is that a grown-up Elion Gonzalez? Was this this kid fucking was he like the raft child when I was a when I was a kid there was a famous Little fucking when I was a boy when I was a young boy I grew up and I was in my car and my mom would be listening to the news and there was always this like Famous Cuban fucking kid who like came here on a raft named Elion Gonzalez Gonzalez and that kind of looks like it could be him

Did he die I think he died yeah, what's from what and just being Mexican I don't know fucking What felt the roof during a construction job? I don't know. I think he's dead No, you gave birth to Emma Gonzalez. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in jaws. Like I'm quitting being ate by the shark. Here you go, Devin. What's up, Lemon Party fans? A Ruby's Flowers Hemp Farm is back to offer more great deals on their all-natural flower and THC gummies. But first, they need to tell you a story.

There was a young, handsome actor struggling to make it in Hollywood. After a tough day, his smartest friend, Eddie, introduced him to the joys of THC flower and everything clicked. He started his own show. He didn't trust the... They emailed me this.

I was so excited to read it in front of you. He started his own show. He didn't trust the mainstream talking heads. So he hunted Bigfoot and searched for saucers himself. And of course, he smoked a lot of flour. That man was Joe Rogan. The good herb took Joe Rogan from just another Hollywood twink to a modern day philosopher

and the most powerful short man since Napoleon. What can it do for you? Well, when the 2018 Farm Bill was was passed an unintended result of this bill passing was that it became legal for licensed hemp growers and sellers To grow and sell natural THC flower as a result this flowers exploded in popularity as a way to buy natural high THC flower Their natural premium cannabis strands are grown on Oregon farms and come in eights quads and ounces The flower is not synthetic K2 spice or any of that fake garbage. This is that all-natural high quality flour that man has enjoyed for thousands of years. We know a lot of you have

already used the 50% off lemon code already so we're offering an additional sorry they're offering an additional 3 eighths on all orders over $75. Just put in the order comments what strain you want for your free eighth and they will put in the order. All the strains are third-party tested and testing results are posted on their site for you to see. You can find them online at rubysflowerswi.com. That's R-U-B-Y-S-F-L-O-W-E-R-S-W-I.COM. Ruby's Flowers has been very kind to send us all products. We've used it many nights and it does exactly what you think it will do. It's great stuff. It's great flowers. Very good stuff and the gummies taste very

good as well. You must be at least 18 years old to purchase Ruby's Flowers. You're responsible for knowing the laws surrounding Ruby's Flowers in your state. Do not take these products and operate any kind of vehicle. Please ask your doctor before taking these products if you have any health issues or have never taken these products before. Ruby's Flares Hemp Farm is not affiliated with Joe Rogan in any way. Thanks Ruby's Flares and now back to the show. Yeah, you're like a hit and run scam guy

but you're so annoying. People don't feel bad for you. Can you at least- Can I say that's the greatest death scene in all of cinema? What are you saying? In John? When he gets hit by the shark.

Oh, that is fantastic. Yeah, it's an amazing movie. Swallowed by the bees. One of the best of all time. Is that guy with the mustache, is he a part of the family? Or is he just a friend helping? No, it's just like, you know, they're goons. That guy's not a part of the family?

He's not like the older brother? No, I think he's just some retarded guy. Oh, he's just a fucking moron? He's just some retarded influencer. But I do like how his goatee looks like you Photoshopped the top of his head onto the bottom Yeah, exactly And he can't get with the program here because they're trying to do the classic boomer doom chicken bank chicken bank or the double chunk

chocolate And for anybody who's listening by the way, this is like the most viral meme is this guy's a cut Oh, we're Costco guys. Yeah, we go to Costco and we yeah, yeah, blah blah blah. Whatever. Mm-hmm No, these guys are me and Obama And this is boom or doom Or the double chocolateoc chocolate cookie. I gotta go with the double choc chocolate cookie. No, you gotta taste it. You gotta take it.

First taste it. First taste the chicken bake. Oh my God. Can I say, can I say? Oh my God. You're just waiting for a mass shooter to walk into the Costco. Devin, can I say, maybe I've lost it.

I actually really side with the dad on this. The guy fucked it up tremendously. The dad is right, like, the people, his child is worthless, and the weird guy that they hire. Yeah, of course, yeah. Fuck him, fuck AJ. My dad used to call me worthless, because I was fat, and he was right.

That's Big Justice. Big Justice and AJ. AJ's the dad, Big Justice is the little guy. And then the Rizzler is the little guy. The Rizzler's an unrelated guy that they just do videos with. Mm-hmm. Well, the dad is the star. Listen, if you're already a sociopath that's doing these videos to begin with,

let's not act like there's a guy that does these videos that's like, he's doing it well. He's like there's a guy that does these videos that's like, he's doing it well. He's like the fucking virtuous guy that makes Costco videos. He's the curator. Yeah, they go like, oh no, he does it right. No, no, no, anyone doing this is out of his mind. So he's got the Oakleys on his hat.

Do you understand though, these people are in their own phantom thread. Yeah, he does look like he has a golden gloves for beating your wife. He looks like he beats the shit out of his wife. Look at them, they're shoving food in this other retard's face. J.C. eats her pussy for three hours

and then punches her in the face one time. Because she came. Yeah. He goes, I told you not to fucking do that. They're in their own phantom thread movie. Like he's like, he's like, he's, he broods in his room thinking about the next, like. The father?

The next Costco video they have to make the following day. Yeah. Cause they're building an empire. Yeah, yeah. They're, they're walking on the sun. But he thinks they, this is all natural. He doesn't understand everyone's watching these videos cause they go, this guy's a psychopath.

He thinks like everyone's like on his side. Like he thinks everyone's like, I'm amazing. You know what I mean? There is, I will say there's a bit of an art to brain rot. Mm-hmm. You're familiar with brain rot? Sure. Devin's never heard of brain rot.

Jason, you've heard of brain rot? Of course I've heard of brain rot. I know. Who do you think you're talking to, pal? Brain rot. Brain rot is like, Jason, have you seen the guy who eats the McFlurry and he goes, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh,

meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh That was like rimming like around his skull. I don't even know what to type in to find that guy actually. Don't type anything in. If you show me, I'll fucking punch you. You do yours. Fuck, the keyboard's fucking up.

Yeah, good, the keyboard hates it too. I don't think I can find it. I unfollowed him because I was like, it's too much brain rot. Yeah, he's not showing up on YouTube. You are always looking for a guy who's like, the guy who goes me, me, me, me, me. You who's like the guy who goes me, me, me, me, me. You're having the type guy who goes me, me, me, me, me.

And you do. Well, that's the thing. My impression of him is actually better. So he has like a he usually has like a Dairy Queen, like Blizzard. And he clearly put his own candy in it. Sure. Because it's cheaper. Right. It's like going to the movies. It's a movie theater. He thinks being in his car is a movie theater because there's a screen in front of him. Exactly. And he goes, Devon he does this, he goes, mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Oh? And then it goes, ding, and it repeats, it loops. And he goes, and he takes another bite. You know what really, and he uses his, he answers the phone with his ice cream. I got you, you don't really fuck me up you, you don't really fuck me up about this show and everything you show me.

I'm supposed to feel bad, whenever there's a day where they go new mass shooting, 17 dead, I'm supposed to feel really horrible about that. But now that we do this show, I don't know if I should. You go, maybe they got one out. I go, maybe they got the double chunk chocolate cookie, Reethard.

Devin, you hear... Double chunk chocolate cookie. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. I don't, I'm like, now I start to wonder, I go, is it bad for people to die randomly Well, I don't know you go you go 17. Why not more? Why not take out more? Chase? You know what I mean? I actually don't is it a bad I don't know. It's just weird. I see these people that I was yeah

It's possible that I took out a hawk to a girl at the Jason Aldean concert. Mm-hmm But the problem is it you know, like they said, no one should kill. Everyone was trying to invent the radio at the same time. And then the one guy like they said that. County, you know, the thing where it's like the radio was invented at the same time by a guy I didn't know. Yeah, there's like five guys who invented the radio. You can kill some girl who's going to be a hawk to a girl.

There's just going to be another one. It's a get them all. There's just going to be another It's a retarded hydra you can't catch them all unfortunately you can't if you take out double chum chocolate cookie You're just gonna have another guy Friesler steps up to take his place. This is who's the other kid? They will they say his name right here. Hold on Okay, real quick You know people watch the sopranos they go Tony's present a really bad guy. Yeah, he like actually kills people He has people killed he has he does horrible things. Mm-hmm. And he is he's on his wife Yeah, Ben to be fair she took she was 41 years old in the grand scheme of what you're gonna do It's like the least bad thing for a guy like him

That's like you hope a guy like that cheese on his wife. You go, please just cheat on your wife Mm-hmm. Well, he overeats he has self-control. Yeah, that's worse because it hurts him. He's fat He's a fat bird and then he can't provide for his family. Cheating doesn't stop him from providing He's the only thing he's cheating on really is his diet. Is his fucking diet, you're right. God damn it, Ben, you're good. Okay. The hits. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! But this dad is worse than a murderer. Than Tony Soprano. He's worse. He's being worse to his family and his kids. I guarantee this guy is a fucking nightmare

That fat kid of his is in a is Living with a he that kid is that kid is under like a hell The whole family the whole family But this guy runs with his Oakleys on over his hat, like that's a monster of a person. That's a monstrous person. Every fat kid is in hell. It just looks a little different for everyone.

My dad used to be like, and my son's fat! Fucking fat! Like you let him down. And I'd be like, I don't, yeah, I would go to my bed, I would go to my room and I'd be like, fuck you, faggot. And I would like wake up excited to like eat a breakfast burrito the next day.

I'm gonna- To show him? Yeah. I'd be like, I'm literally, I mean, you know, how about I get an extra large Coke tomorrow morning, faggot? Fuck you. Yeah, you're the opposite of a feeder.

You have no clue who I am. How dare you? You have no clue who I am. You have no clue, my knees. You dare you? You have no clue who I am. You have no clue, my knees. You don't know the lengths I will go. I'll put myself in the hospital right now. I'm like, what do you think, I like this? How dare you?

You brought me into this with your fucking shitty cum. Your cum that birthed me and I'm all fucking weird. Fuck you. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah, your dad made you all weird by coming weird you came Probably came he probably came like this. He probably my dad probably went like this he goes Oh his eyes cross But they both like did this and that's I'm now I'm here no, I'm they just you know you read

Look to read and Jace has been overly blue for most of the episode. And when I'm listening to it in my car right now, and it fucking sucks. Oh, but let's, the verdict is still out on, cause I think this is also a great dad. He's creating a empire that's fun for the whole family. They can all get in on it.

They're all getting fame out of it. Long Jebby. Building memories with his son that he'll later kill in a in Barry Yeah, that'll later cut his head off. So yeah, but the memories up until that point some of them were good, dude It's like this is you want to leave them with something that's self-sustaining They're the Costco guy right cuz if we hit by a car tomorrow and but he gave his son fame And we do know the cost of voice. They'll be they'll have careers for 40 plus years They're the Costco guys. He could get hit by a car tomorrow, but he gave his son fame. And a voice. And we do know the Costco guys,

they'll have careers for 40 plus years. Yeah. This is, by the way, I don't even watch Jimmy Fallon. Do these guys go on late night shows now? Oh yeah, Jimmy Fallon has these people on and they do Abu Grave stuff to Iraqi citizens. Yeah, wait, actually. As Jimmy Fallon just goes,

wah! You electrocuted that guy like Jesus. That's actually a good point. Are they on? Jimmy Fallon, you could be right. You could be right about that. I mean, I'm sure. The Costco guys are so famous. The new season of SNL, there's 20 writers

with their big, they've been sitting on their big double chug chocolate cookie skit for like months. The bigger things I've found is they go on all the big streamer shows, or they hang out with Delk. So like they'll hang out with like Steve Will Do It or they'll hang out with like Jinxy, you know Jinxy? He's a really funny streamer. Or they'll hang out with, who's that guy that has like

Tourette's or whatever and is like retarded? Oh. And he does this thing like a bird and he flaps when he like makes a thing. Yeah I know, I refuse to learn their names because it makes me sad if I remember his name is twitch or glitch or I think I think his name is zitch if I knew what I wouldn't admit it to you. I don't know I don't know. I think his name is twitch. I don't know Theo Vaughn had him on who knows These guys that but that's like Theo Vaughn's like that like they'd rather do Theo Vaughn than do like Fallon or whatever the fuck

You know, of course. Yeah. Yeah, I mean Trump like they'd rather do the Avon than do like Fallon or whatever the fuck you know of course yeah Yeah, I mean Trump Trump Trump would rather do that so here we go the Let me let me do that one All right, now you got to try the double chong chocolate cookie I've been waiting all my life for this. Oh my. That definitely gets a boom. It's not looking good for me guys. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with this one. That dad is an absolute psychopath.

Okay, here we go. I was going to say, alright Jay, which one gets the boom and which one gets the boom? That is unbelievable. Alright Jay, which one gets the boom and which one gets the doom? Oh that poor kid, that's Vito Jr. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That dad That is unbelievable All that poor kid that's Vito jr. Mm-hmm

Sick oh shit Yeah Yeah, no, he's been he's Did that earlier you would say the chicken bait gets the doom I'm sorry the chicken bait gets the doom and the double choc choc cookie He didn't do that time but earlier Uh big justice tried to say the double choc choc cookie and he goes no. No, that's my line Really and then he made him redo it. He's like like that's my getter done. Yeah No, no, that's my line and really many made him redo it. He's like like that's my getter done. Yeah Double jump jump by the way, it's not called that I went to Costco and I was pissed it's called like the double chip Chocolate cookie. Yeah, you were saying this the other night and

Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. Did I show you guys the Costco menu with with pricing? Oh, yeah, it's fantastic The hot dog for a dollar it's great stuff. Yeah, let me find the full menu actually. The one that's closest to us. Burbank Boulevard, baby. That's right. You know a slice of pepperoni pizza at Costco has like 50 grams of protein? It's also 950 calories. It's also got 900, yeah somehow one slice

has a thousand calories. You go what did you guys? It doesn't seem possible. possible? What did you do? It seems like a magic? Generally what did they do to the people? What do you person? What the fuck did you thought did you do? How did you make this? 500 more calories than it should be a piece of pizza is like about 350 calories the government has been there labs inventing stuff. That's more fattening than humanly possible Jace Jen so that it breaks the laws of thermodynamics What did they do to this One slice is

750 I think I think it's yeah, I got it right here How'd they figure that out? Axios events they're selling fat chairs for fat people. What'd you do right here at USC. What is it? How did they do that? How'd they figure that out? Ah, fuck. Axios events? They're selling fat cheers for fat people. What'd you do? Right here. Here we go. There's the calories there.

Wait. 710 calories I think is for cheese. And I think the, it's like eight. The pepperoni's less, it's 690 it looks like. Wait, zoom in, zoom in. Well, when I zoom in the picture doesn't get better. Yeah, I think it is. I think it is.

Oh, there we go, now it does. 690 for the pep. Zoom in zoom in well when I zoom in the picture doesn't give me. I think it is 710 calories for a slice of cheese last though, which is Because they put more cheese on the cheese So it's the cheese is much easier than a lot of the heavy lifting proteins actually not that caloric The dogs only a dollar fifty which kicks, but I'm genuinely like concerned like so if you have three slices of cheese pizza That's that's like That's insane dude. That's 2100 calories That makes no sense that actually doesn't come to a normal woman should have to Compute with me the normal woman should have two slices a day for her daily

but how I With me the normal woman should have two slices a day for her daily Sure we've all had pizza I've never had a slice of pizza that's probably more than like four to cow like that makes no unless it's got a ton of Tom when I order Domino's it says like 250 calories per slice Talking about how is it? 700 for one slice. I don't know how's that possible? I don't know what are what is happening on Costco Are they putting a TV in the pizza? Yeah, they think like all the old like power cords Like broken HDMI cables in it, that's why we all have micro plastics in us because they've been feeding us TVs

There's a Kirkland shirt. I'm trying to find the cookie here. The double chocolate cookie. See, it's a, oh, it is called the double chocolate. It's a double chocolate chunk cookie, and that's what pisses me off about it. It's, he changed it. Yeah, but that's what, he's an artist, Ben. Seven hundred. I guess you're right.

He added some rhyme to that. Seven hundred fifty calories for a cookie. So may I point out though, that they don't use seed oils in these cookies. Oh, okay. That was a viral post the other day and people were like, hey, I'm going to Costco right now. Cause if you notice, it's just butter, you see.

So many ads. Oh, well they want to hide the number of okay see Just butter bittersweet Sweet chocolate all butter. Yep. See there's no seed oils. Mm-hmm. Just for those. You know just 750 calories in one cookie That's insane, but there's no seat. I don't care put seat. Oh, and if it makes it 300 calories Give a shit Who cares about the background these faggots

Give this shit about what these people see are you just gonna put the Costco guys? Yeah, and the Costco guys. Double choco cookie. A double choco choco cookie. Devin, you could walk up to him with a gun and say, how's the score on your boom meter? And just boom, boom, boom. That'd be a good bet. Yeah, I would love to do that.

There is a Costco around here, and I've never had a, I've never gotten a membership. They're terrible. I refuse to get a membership, because I don't need one. I went to the one in El Hambrad, and I'm like, I don never gotten a membership. I refuse to get a membership, because I don't need one. I went to the one in El Hambrad, and I'm like, I don't know how to shop here. Like how, like.

I don't, I don't have a garage to put all this, like. I went to go get spaghetti, it's like nine pounds of spaghetti, I'm like, well how do you, do I just eat spaghetti now? Who buys this? This is my life. I don't know how to buy that much stuff. So I went and got four slices of pizza, I ate that.

I just did a hit cock 45. Oh, hell yeah. But as a kid, going to Costco was one of the greatest moments of my life. When they would serve you the free shit. Yeah, you're just a fat boy who wants a pizza and hot dogs. It was amazing. Yeah, it's great.

You wanna look at a big TV for three hours, while your parents kind of have maybe the fight that's leading to the divorce. Yeah. A couple aisles down. And that did happen at Costco. Did it really? Oh yeah, I saw a bunch of fights there.

Saw a lot of fights at Costco. I can just see your dad being like, Devan, I need this jug of peanut butter. Dude, I'm just. I am the one, I am the one who grinds peanut butter. I am the motherfucking, fucking one who calls the fucking shots. I'm am the motherfucking fucking one who calls the fucking shot In front of the 80 rolls of fucking toilet paper so about the double chunk chocolate cookie is only about five ounces yet It's still 750 calories. I actually don't know how they did that. Yeah, no, it's it's like they it's a modern marvel

No, that's what I'm saying. It's like the amount of atoms that's in there shouldn't equal the amount of energy It breaks Newton's laws It creates more energy somehow. There's a big scandal at Costco at June. I missed this Oh, they sure Oh scandal Wow Costco quietly removes churro from menu I like how that means that there's like two Woodward and Bernstein, it's like not so easy cocksucker. Yeah, there's a Churro like making noise in a parking lot late at night, like with high heels on. Yeah, they're deep.

The Churro's wearing high heels and you can hear it. Their deep throat is like a guy just walks out from the shadows and he's got a big sombrero. The article starts, it's the end of an era at some Costco food courts across the United States I was I paid $90,000 for a literature degree to do this job The beloved fan favorite is no longer on the food court menu at some warehouses Wow

Sad sad it's actually kind of sad to see what they've become Organic options there now you watch how Costco is falling, and then you go, by the way, are you aware of, there's a Ronald Reagan movie in theaters right now. Yeah, the Dennis Quaid as Ronald Reagan. There's a Dennis Quaid. Who's not trying to do Reagan at all, by the way. No.

It's very funny. I can't wait to go see this movie. I'm gonna go see it tomorrow, when I finally am free of the shackles of Ben Avery. When Ben Avery is finally not like, you know, holding me down. Sure, after the barbecue we're going to tomorrow. After the barbecue.

You're clearly just envious of my big hats. Is that where the barbecue is? You do look really good right now. You do look good. This is actually a great look for me. You look hot. You're hot. By the way, remember how I used to dress retarded

and then three years later everyone dressed like me after I started doing this. They're going to start plopping their hats on their head. You look like a dad trying to make fun of his wigger son by putting his hat on. You look like a retarded guy that got molested. Jace is kind of right. Yeah, you look like a guy that comes in. He's like to his kid's room. Sags.

He's like to his kids room Stop you good dad stop twerking in front of me Megan the horse You look like a guy that's so crazy. We're you that the kid just goes, please. Fuck me. Please just fuck me already You have a kid pulls his ass out Dad fuck me dad hurry up Enough I'm gonna report you after this enough Dad stop Dad cut it out

Yeah, that is pretty terrible then He's like all right. I'm gonna go Terrible then Aggressive comments to your mom did you guys did y'all did y'all motherfuckers see the Dennis Quaid Reagan movie? Did y'all see that scene with goch off that shit was movie man did y'all see that scene with Gorbachev that shit was What do you want I said tear down these back walls bitch since when did you love Ronald Reagan all of a sudden No, I don't I just think it's very funny. There's a movie about Ronald Reagan where they try and make him like a great guy That is not a good guy. Well, the movie should be called single-parent household. Mm-hmm Why is that? Incentivizing the single parent household. Wait, what did Ronald Reagan do that's so bad?

I don't get it. He's an American hero, he's an actor, he got shot. He was cool, he was a cool guy. You're in a liberal bubble here a little bit and you don't respect legends. He was pretty cool. You actually don't know anything and you've never cared about a single thing

you've pretended to believe in. So let's start with that. You have no clue about a single thing you talk pretended to believe in. So let's start with that. You have no clue about a single thing you talk about. Your fraud. Your complete fraud. A charlatan. Fraudulent, like charlatan fraud. Thank you, Jason.

Well, why don't you tell me how you really feel. Hey, buddy, sticks and stones. I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan was responsible for the amount of homeless people that we have to deal with right now Really he made them quit their jobs. He ended mental institutions So all these fucking wacky retards that were going, you know fucking going like They're all on the streets now, why did he end mental institutions? He didn't fucking he was, he was like, enough. Fuck him. He's like, that's why, that's why you- I kinda get it.

That's why I get that. Am I wrong about that, Jase? I'm pretty sure the Reagan administration ended mental institutions. Yeah, I don't wanna quote, I just like read that, like if you go to like anything, if there's any law in America where you go like, why is this a law?

It was Reagan, 83. That's why, yeah. I might be wrong. I know this- Everyone might shit on me for this I think when he entered office, I think Billionaires were paying like 74 percent in taxes. I'm pretty sure when he left office I think they were paying like 9% in taxes And I'm also pretty sure he ended the mental health which I know you guys actually in this country

And so that allowed for everybody that was in mental homes to just be homeless, basically. So that's why we have an influx of homeless people. He also incentivized the single parent household, where you got more money if you were a woman in the ghetto and you didn't have a husband in the house. You got more money from the government if you Go no yeah, thanks

Baby, baby, daddy did it like get out of here. He was the one I don't I won't get as much money if you're in the household yeah Here saying he incentivizes black people to get divorced yeah, so they don't raise their children so there's a problem crack they he Invented crack and him and Nancy Reagan did the whole dare thing, but they were like flooding He's with crack. Well, why didn't white people do it then? Why didn't white people go? I'm gonna divorce my My lady because that's that's the people regular They weren't in like the dirty neighborhoods

people Reagan was targeting. Well, because they weren't in the dirty neighborhoods. White people already had 1950s leave-it-to-beaver homes. Ben, you're one of those guys where you go, why don't you just have your grandpa not be a slave? I don't get it. By the way, I might be completely wrong. I know a lot of fucking. Apparently, you're some sort of political genius,

so please enlighten me. Well, look at you with your hat on. You love to act like you love love that. Yeah, by the way If Ronald Reagan saw you right now, he'd call you the n-word. So how about that? He did also completely ignore the AIDS crisis too and I think like 30 million people or something died So far haven't heard anything. I disagree with you guys gonna keep them coming What did he do with war did he do bad stuff with war? Out of a cold war where we're gonna

He's in a way is a superhero Good things. I don't hate Reagan. Oh you think you're what I like he robbed all those banks I don't hate rain. What what because people were the the Ronald Reagan I don't hate Reagan. Wait, what? What? Cause people wear the Ronald Reagan mask and rob the banks. You think he was end point brain.

I go, then there was those guys that like surf. Those presidents rob those banks. They rob banks. Those surfers rob banks. A sketch where people put on a Nixon and a Reagan and a Clinton mask and they rob a bank and they leave and someone comes and they go, had the United States presidents just robbed our bank?

Four Ronald Reagan's just robbed the bank. They Ronald Reagans just robbed the bank. They go, oh my, they drive to the White House and shoot him. I do know that he, I was reading a thing about Nixon the other day, Nixon's a really fascinating guy. I don't really know that much about Reagan, but I do know he- Nixon rules.

Nixon rules. They both rule. Yeah. He did, Nixon rules because he's just insane. He's an insane person Yeah, but also God somehow like rose from nothing to be the president But Ronald Reagan did invent the term welfare Queen So you'd like him for that as well who did Ronald Reagan welfare Queen? Yeah. Yeah, he would he would make speeches

I was reading about this. He would make speeches where he'd be like this woman, you know Tariqa, whatever her name is, she makes $20,000 a week off of welfare benefits for her fake children or whatever, and he called her the welfare queen, and that's kind of where that concept took off. To encourage people to get on welfare. To encourage people to cut welfare completely.

Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Well, I mean, it seems like he loved black people wanted to help him out mm-hmm Wanted him to give him a real kick in the pants More than Ronald Reagan mm-hmm okay. Yeah, and there's that picture of mr. T and him where she's about to fuck Nancy Yeah Yeah, he also let his wife get like rail It's a beautiful he shared by the 18.

He shared the love all around. He got shot, which is very black friendly. So that's true. Mm hmm. He got shot in the tummy, didn't he? Which is very funny. That's what the doctor shot. You shot in your tummy. Oh, somebody has a tummy ache from a bullet.

But you got shot by a retard who plays music. Oh, I wanted to fuck a dyke. And now you got a tummy ache from a bullet. You're shot by retard who plays music Oh God wanted to fuck a dyke and now you got a tummy You want pacifier they go this is the president's very It's like a leftist they brought it to like a left wing hospital the. Oh, yeah the Gerblin hospital the Gerblin Empire Hospital But oh you said you're gonna go see Reagan tomorrow I Think I will yeah, it's Memorial Day, and I'd say that's a good Go see Labor Day tomorrow Labor Day, but Jesus Christ is the difference What do we do? What's the difference? What do we do?

What's the difference? Well, one is to celebrate the great workers of this nation, Devon. Labor Day is for the workers? Yeah, that's why they call it Labor Day. Well, what is Memorial Day for? It's for those stupid fucking soldiers. No, it's for soldiers.

OK. I thought Labor Day also had to do with those fucking retards, too Do what retards? Laborers. Yeah, I thought Labor Day was about like guys in like Home Depot bargain loans But they have to work that day still in England. They call it day labor Day labor day called day labors Hmm. Well, we call it's reverse. Yeah, no good day laborers What's the difference?

Oh well I was just saying like. You started talking about how dates are reversed. They reverse dates in England, so I'm like in England they call it day labors. Very good, I'm killing myself, blah blah blah. Enough of you, blah blah blah. I'll beat Devin. Enough of you, I'm sick of it.

Blah blah blah. I apologize. Where am I, What's going on? I apologize. If you're gonna be throwing down some bets this football season, you need MyBookie. Their sports book and casino platform let you bet from anywhere, anytime.

MyBookie makes it so easy that you don't even need to download an app. It's so simple to get started and so much fun. They even run contests where you can enter for as little as $1.25 and win up to $10,000. You know me, Devin, and Ben, we all love gambling. We've all lost most of our money doing it. I love gambling, okay?

Take money out of important accounts and put it into sports gambling. Steal money from your relatives, your grandma. Put it into gambling. Like Lost in America style. You're losing money if you don't steal from your relatives to do this. When you're done placing your bets on your favorite sports teams, try out their casino with Blackjack, Video Poker, and even a live lotto. There's no need to download an app, just click the link in the show notes, sign up, and you're

ready to bet. Lock your futures in now and while you're waiting for the season to begin, and use promo code LEMON to claim a bonus up to $1,000 on that first deposit. That's right, 1,000 with three zeros. That's LEMON to start the college football season off with house money. Don't ever miss out on the action,

bet anything, anywhere, anytime, only with my bookie. I apologize, let me run a show terribly and I'll be like, yeah. Yeah, you wish. You wish you could run a show this year. I run a show every week. This is a tight ship. It sucks cock, just wish you wish you could run a show this I run a show every week. This is a tight ship It sucks cock just like you I

Was gonna show you guys something but then I told No, I was going to Tangent I didn't go on any tangent. I would I talked about fucking like the basic economics Talked about Ronald Reagan. Devin got all political on us, it was so crazy. No I didn't. No, he's been fed this horseshit propaganda that Reagan was bad for the black community.

I'm pretty sure he was. Yeah, Ben, I've listened to- Are you sure it wasn't the intelligence agencies and the higher up, the shadow groups? Yeah, but sure, but who's the guy that goes? Yeah, go ahead Yeah, but if your hand is being you know, if they're if they have a gun to the back of your head and you go Yeah, sure. It sounds great. I can feel the cold steel And you go, yeah, sure, it sounds great. I can feel the cold steel on my spinal cord back there.

You know, you get, you know, okay it because you're afraid of the man. Reagan was probably trying to do some stuff and that's why he got popped. Otherwise, why did they try to kill him? The story makes no sense. Reagan was afraid, he was afraid of the, because he wanted to speak out, he was such a fighter.

Yeah, Reagan, famous enemy of the business of the business I think they tried to kill him because he loved blacks too much mm-hmm that's possible yeah but I will say now our governor our government loves us yeah they completely they love us so much the black community used to call him Ronald regga That's like the black guy at McDonald's Fuck I was gonna show you guys something I totally forgot you forgot. Yes, you were you're screaming like in it like a chimpanzee Literally like a chimpanzee up This is screaming about any- Literally like a chimpanzee. How many keep up with like your own thoughts, retard? You're like a- you ever see guys with pet monkeys that are wearing diapers? That's you.

Have you been watching- You're a domesticated chimpanzee. Have you been watching Chimp Crazy on HBO Max? What's Chimp Crazy? Chimp Crazy is the new- Have you guys seen- Every TV show that's ever been made by the way. It's the new Tiger King.

I haven't seen Chimp Crazy. What's it- I don't know what it's about. Oh, it's about all the ladies that adopted chimps and then the lady that got her face eaten off by a chimp. Okay, that's a good bet. Yeah, they owned chimps that were in movies and stuff and then the chimps started losing their minds as time went on. Did they show the lady with her face ripped off

in the movie? No, but they show how it all happened and how she got her face ripped off and why. But they don't show her after, yeah, she's ugly as shit after that. It's really hard to look at. But Ben thinks everyone's been distracting him from some amazing pole.

How about you just fucking do the pole? How about you just pull something up that is beautiful?? You just pull something up. Well like it's beautiful I've been speaking of women. They got their faces ripped off by chimps. I've been thinking about Mary Todd Lincoln a lot lately, okay? Thinking about ugly ass women sure Broads and I remembered I think there is actually a recording of Abe Lincoln's voice or something Recordings of Abe Lincoln's voice. Yeah, yeah, look, it's his voice. He's like, fuck it, I don't want to free him, but I'm fucking him. He says the N-word song.

The first guy to say the N-word in a recording. I am Abraham Lincoln, and I want to put my dick in your mouth. Wait, no, I think this is fake. I am imagining this is fake. I put my dick in your mouth. Ben, I don't think this is real. I think you've been bamboozled. Yeah, I think I've been bamboozled. Yeah, I don't think they had audio recordings back then.

Alright. No, but I thought there was like a voice, you know, maybe one time I've just seen this video of my related searches and I was like, damn, they actually got this voice. Damn, so he was talking about his dick and shit. All right. Have you guys seen the lady who was alive when like, like in the 1820s and shit? Like earliest. The one lady that was alive in the 1820s?

Oldest woman interview. Oh, I've seen the where she's sitting out front of her shitty home. I think it's. And she's like waiting for a tornado to just like rip her and her whole life apart Yeah, they go. What's the secret to your longevity and she goes? Cover my face with the pillow. I think I've seen those I This so this lady now, let's meet someone who can bring a little history to us. So this lady was a hundred eight in

1977 so and bring a little history to us. So this lady was 108 in 1977. So she was alive during pretty much the end of the Civil War. She was born. Unlike most women of her time, Florence Pannell managed to set up her own beauty care business. Florence, tell me. She goes, are you black? I can't see too well, darling. I can't see too well, darling. I can't see, you look black.

My glaucoma's made it hard to be racist anymore. She has to sleep with the lights on completely. You never know if they're coming. You look like you're dunking. Let me feel your sneakers. Let me feel your shoes to see if you black Cool the lady the interviewers is like talking she goes That is nothing mattered, but I'm speaking of years before that

Yes, Florence Yes Yes Lawrence Yes There was a cartoon in punch Of the old-fashioned baths with the seats going parallel with the bus What the fuck you say you old? And all the men going like this. Yes? What were they looking for?

Pussy! There was a woman crossing the road and holding her dress up and showing her ankle to there. Tut. Florence? Yes? Tell me a bit. That's all their stories.

There's one time they saw an ankle. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. They are like, you know, it's closer to, you know what they had back then was the King James version of the Bible and that's how they learned to speak English. And because of that that they were very

Like eloquent and were able to express themselves and these rich You know, they're not like yeah fucking I push it I put this I put the my coke under saying can you get my thing off the thing? Like they have like words for shit. They have they would say like it's the ballish the balustrade or whatever They're like go tie that Negro to the balustrade or whatever the hell they would say. They're like, go tie that negro to the balustrade. It's time for daily whipping. It's the thing. Can you refill my thing?

Refill my thing. Can you put my thing in there? Refill my thing, blackie. Yeah. No, but you're right, that's modern day where they go, can I have the wet in my mouth? They walk up to a friend. They walk up to like the convenience store and they go, I need the dry mouth, not anymore.

Not, not, not thirsty. Make it not dry. But like my tongue, like, it's, but then put it. Can you take me? And then put it. Can you take me to the big building where they help me not die? When my heart stopped? Because it's too lazy. You watch Slingblade and you go fuck this guy. He's way with words.

This chess wizard over here. He's a poet. He's like Wallace Stevens. Look at him go. Mmm. E at him go. Mmm. Eject my dick. Well, I killed a lady in Jack D'Alfani. Ooh. Sling blade.

That's why they call him a sling blade. He could really sling it. But that always fascinated me how much more well spoken people were back then. It was just because of the King James version of the Bible that was all they really had.

And that's then influenced all of their language. Sure. I don't like the rolling of the Rs though. It kind of sucks ass. I'm the rude. We saw a man walking across the road. Well it's because they love the hard Rs so much. They want to say as many as possible.

That's why they roll it so much. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rude. It's beautiful because they're like birds almost. It's amazing. Yeah. I love them.

Yeah. They had a different way of looking at things, sure. Sure. Did they? Well, maybe not actually. No, doesn't seem that different They don't I don't see many differences actually Yeah, when you think about life in the 1870s versus now is it really that different? No

I don't I think this is Elon Musk would give her a billion followers She would be like a woman pulled the ankle out and the arm go very interesting interesting stuff interesting frightening billion followers Go very interesting interesting stuff interesting frightening fascinating frightening frightening as well email strong tweeted that They're trying he tweeted. They're trying to arrest Elon Musk. Mm-hmm. You unresponded to him. He goes they have for quite a while now Why does he want think he's getting arrested? Oh, because he's retarded. Because it would make him look like a hero. Yeah, he likes lying.

And that whole audience, if you just lie to him, they'll just believe it. Yeah, I mean, I think that's probably every audience now, right? You just got to lie as much as possible. Actually, the more you lie, the more honest you are. People view you as like a bastion of honesty, if you lie all the time.

You okay? What do you guys wanna do at the Labor Day party tomorrow? Well, we should capture a migrant. And give them the day off. And bring them over and let them swim. Yeah, we have them in a big cage. We go this cage is so you don't work today It's your day off that drives them crazy. Yeah, they can't They can't go to work together like little grim ones. They just start throwing themselves against the kill kill themselves trying to get out What should we do? What should we do for a lady?

What is Labor Day? It's about work All I know is that when I worked at like the dog food store or whatever not the Chinese restaurant I still had to work labor day at the Chinese restaurant with a dog food store We got four days off. It was because the dog food store was in the back of the Chinese restaurant It was a it was a symbiotic sort of relationship The dog food store was in the back of the Chinese restaurant. Yeah, it was a symbiotic sort of relationship. It was the butcher shop of the Chinese restaurant. Exactly.

The dog food store, we got Thanksgiving off, Labor Day, Christmas Day, and New Year's, and that was it. So you get four days. Like I would, fuck this fucking bitch, came in on Christmas Eve at 7.59 PM. Wow, what an absolute punt. And walked around with her family for 15 minutes and didn't buy anything.

I'll never forget this fat bitch in shower sandals and her two, I hope both of her kids are dead. I hope she has an autoimmune disorder. I hope she's wasted away. I hope she wastes away. I hope she lives forever but in a total pain. Sorry, continue to just. No, I was gonna say.

I was also gonna say she has an automobile disorder. She's the size of a car. Oh, very good, yes. No, but she was doing that thing where she wasn't even going to purchase anything. She's just with her in-laws and needs to kill time. She was with. So she's walking around stores. I think they were all related because they were all fat.

Yeah. And I go, well, when fat people are grouped together, they're all family. You identify by just holding up a circle and comparing their body sizes to one another. And they were just shuffling around the store and they're clearly just trying to kill time. That's what I'm saying. On Christmas Eve. They're like, get me away from this fucking family that I'm in. So I'll go ruin this guy's life on Christmas Eve. Fucking the worst bullshit.

My heart goes out to everybody in retail or anything like that. It's utter hell. We're approaching that period of time. I got to get fucked up for most of it. What's up? We're approaching the holidays. It's turned September.

It's like now all of a sudden we have all the holidays now. But it's like now all of a sudden we have like all the holidays now, you know? But it's like nothing changes. We just get to, you know, people just get to feel. That's actually, that's shocking. People came in at that time on Christmas Eve? Yeah, people don't care, dude. You, by the way, you fucking probably do it to people all the time.

I bet you walk in knowing No, I bet you think I do that fucking retort. Yeah, I do because you Fred Durst Are you talking about it's been it's never walking around car dealerships lately. He goes which one do I want to drink and drive in? Hmm, and I don't choose a single one because of course you don't I shouldn't drive I Should I should walk around car dealerships with a guy that I go? He'll be driving for me, and it's just some more. It's like a nightcrawler level like Indian guy You go take me to a BJ's

How dare you you're just upset that you're trapped in a hell of your own creation Yeah, my friendship with you No, but here's I bet you do it to people I bet you see a place is closing in one minute and you go in Anyway to buy the thing even though you're going to be done way after I've been to 33 taps with you many times The place is closed. You're still at the table. You're still having a good time even though you're going to be done way after. I've been to 33 taps with you many times. The place is closed. You're still at the table. You're still having a good time.

Everyone has left. They're all hovering around waiting to clean up the table. And you're completely oblivious to the fact you're the only person left in a place that had 200 patrons 30 minutes before, and now they're all gone. But I've been there for three hours and I've been giving them a lot of my money.

That's different faggot Okay, I'm not like showing up five minutes before closing and being like yeah, we'll get some taquitos I'm not I don't I never do that. I'm not like psychopath You're not running up that big of a bill, but John is so I'll let it it slide. John turns into like... John orders everything. Yeah, John turns into Elvis at 33 Taps. John actually, John orders like a fried peanut butter sandwich. The last three times I've shown up at 33 Taps, they brought a table, they brought a plate of marinara sauce and cheese sticks to John.

Like he's a feck yet at a pool. I don't like your idea of me. That's exactly what you would do. No, it's not. It's a fat kid at a pool. I don't like your idea of me. That's exactly what you would do No, it's not a hundred percent. We do you go fuck him. I'm a really you're a fuck-up guy. Good guy You're a fuck up. I know you are but you're still a fuck-up guy. Oh, yeah comes to shove. It's fuck them Sure, I've seen the way you eat you stole a bunch of soup the other night when we were at You stole a bunch of soup the other night when we were at takes We were at takes you kept eating the soup very quickly. I didn't get second Tell me what I've done. I was very hungry for two minutes until they brought more soup

I ordered you more soup. I know but I had to wait two minutes. Meanwhile, you were shoving it down your mouth I'm not around you don't get all the more of your food You don't get you don't get to have the fun that you have. I like when it's endless. You wreak havoc. I like when it's endless. I'm the Richard Snell to your fucking McVeigh and you're ordering insane amounts of food. You know what Devin likes to do when we're eating out?

I have the connects. He likes to put his hand on the spigot and he likes to shut it off and watch me squirm. Cause he's evil like that. You're an evil man. Oh, I mean. You like to, you would push me out of a clock tower and watch me fall.

I would love to watch you fall out of a clock tower. Nothing would make me happier. You'd push me out of a helicopter. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You would kill me. Let's be honest. Like, I know we love each other, I You would kill me let's be honest like I know we love each other but you know if it was the right opportunity

You would push me if it was maybe if you were a little drunk and he had his back turned It was between you and I and like my comfort. Yeah Sure between one second a second of comfort. I'd get of course I'd kill you Sure between one second a second of comfort. I'd get of course. I'd kill you But you're being really mean to me. You're like like coming up. What's a crazy scenario? Well, I'm trying to wake you up right now because it seems like you're going to bed What? How about we talk about you Unbelievable with you lately on the show what cuz I'm sick. It's been a real nightmare with you lately on the show. What, cause I'm sick? It's been a real nightmare with you.

You're a nightmare. Am I? The show has been, we have been on a downturn solely because of you. It's not, I mean, oh my god. In spite of me and Devon, really. Words can't describe the rapid downfall. Dude, solely.

The downfall of Ben Avery. To pun Ben Avery. It's the downfall of Ben Avery. No, I'm kidding. I kid, I kid. No, we're all, let's actually be honest for once on the show. Okay. The Patreon's gonna go to zero by like a few months from now.

Ha ha ha! We're finished, we're washed up. We actually haven't been doing our best episodes as we've moved into the studio actually. And it's all because of the studio being built. I agree, I agree. But at the same time, I also think the last five episodes have been the best we've ever done.

But no, the studio has been a nightmare for us And we were bad now. We're actually just bad. We're actually bad now Even though I think the last the last five of us has been the best we've ever done But the city has been terrible for us. I mean we're clearly we've clearly given up We just pre-record all the episodes months in advance. Yeah, mm-hmm change the hallway We're all going on the road doing stand up now. We got the new studio. We all, yeah.

You're the hack. You're the guy. You're the guy, man. We did a whole show talking shit about stand up. I remember now what I wanted to pick up. What? Oh fuck, I wanted to play that clip of Marin talking shit about Louie.

That me and, I sent it to Devon They put that on that's actually really annoying. Oh fuck. Holy shit that really By the way, I love that it just goes to this we have a lot to talk about after this I'm really pissed It's actually it's actually beautiful to watch you to come alive the You guys are like He's looking at me like I'm fucking how about you run the show better? What do I have to do? I'm falling asleep. I'm not falling asleep. I'm awake as possible. Yeah, no, but you guys are just like you're Muhammad Ali and Walt Frazier You're just you know

I was together. I was trying to keep the episode going by bringing up this clip. But you almost forgot. Well, you went on to, you were mad. You said something about it. What? What did I do? I don't know. You were like, Dennis Quaid's weird. What?

I don't know. How about you stay on track, guy running the show? You were hitting me. Hitting you. I didn't do a single thing to you. And then you made fun of my hat. Well, you're at that side. You look insane. I'm in do a single thing to you. And then you made fun of my hat. Well you, you're at that side of that. You look insane.

I'm in my hat about my hat now. You should be. Yeah good, cause your hat's not on your head. Ben, you should constantly be in your head. If you're not in your head, everything's going wrong. This is, I think it's a good look because if you folded my head this way, it would be the exact inverse. Yeah, you're an optical illusion.

Like the way my jaw is shaped, it's shaped like a mid-brown baseball cap. Your hat is so high on your head. It's so ridiculous. It's more comfortable this way. It looks like you're hiding something. Did you get the Marin clip? It's right here. Hey guys, if you're struggling in the bedroom it's time to check out Joy Mode.

Their sexual performance booster is an all-natural, science-based supplement to give your Johnson all the tools it needs and nothing it doesn't. Joy Mode also supports your blood vessel, cardiovascular and heart health, athletic performance, blood pressure, and general erection function. Just mix it up with six to eight ounces of water and drink up 45 minutes before you get it on. Joy Mode has sent us, oh, none of our pieces work. So Joy Mode has sent us several pills. We all have LempDix and I

use it to make nasty goo inside of my lady. I'm reading copy. Oh really? Yeah they said I had to say nasty goo. Oh okay. Yeah. Do you work for Joy Mode? Actually I started Joy Mode in my garage. I don't believe that. They sent it to us and it makes my dick hard and I fuck my lady with it, so it's good. When it comes to your sexual health, you don't want to cut corners. Skip those sketchy gas station ED meds and get Joymo. Go to usejoymo.com and get 20% off with the code LEMON at checkout. to usejoymo.com and get 20% off with the code LEMON at checkout. That's 20% off in free shipping with code LEMON at USEJOYMODE.COM. Great sex solved naturally. So, yeah, Mark Maron recently...

Oh, and he posted this on his page? Yeah, it really bothered me how he talked about Louis, man. East Village with an earlier version of Louie. Oh, hold on, I need to, there we go. I was walking through the East Village with an earlier version of Louie CK. And we were friends, and he was about to do his first Letterman appearance.

Keyword, we were friends. Because it was like two days after the Oklahoma City bombing, and we're just walking around the East Village, and he's like, I don't know what to do, you know? This bombing doesn't seem like it's a good time to do a comedy set. I'm like dude you gotta talk about it I mean, how are you gonna do five minutes on Letterman not bring it up? He's like really? I'm like yeah You gotta open with it

Figure out an angle dude. I mean it's important. You gotta get on it. He's like seriously. I'm like yes for sure I don't even know why you didn't ask him and apparently he got to let him in the next day and the producer there Robert Morton asked him you know like how you feeling and he said well you know I don't know you know I was talking to Mark Maron and he thinks I should bring up the Oklahoma City and Robert Morton says yeah that's why Mark Maron's not doing the show and I didn't do the show for 10 years, for 10 years. But when I finally did it, I did a pretty tight five

on Oklahoma City. I was. What I hate about Maron is I actually really love him a lot. Me too, same, likewise. I actually think he's very funny. I've completely come around him. I love that he talks shit about people, but that really bothered me that he's so casually,

just not a good friend to. Horrible. Oh, I mean what he did, this is tame to what he did when Louie got canceled. We were friends, and he was a friend. Yeah, when he got canceled, he wrote a diatribe about how. Isn't Louie the reason he has his biggest, the most famous podcast episode of all time?

I think it's the best podcast episode. Didn't it? I think it won best podcast episode of all time. By some gay award show. Yeah. Yeah, but you know. And he was banging to have him on, you know, when he was just a smaller show, trying to get viewers.

It's so annoying, it's like, okay, the whole joke is like, he's encouraging Louie to talk shit about a massive tragedy But Louie's still worse than the tragedy oh Interesting yeah, I didn't even think that yeah I didn't think about the whole joke is like I'm a piece. I'm a fucking piece of shit, dude It's like every every guy. I'm a fucking scumbag

But I also like really I'm like a share for scumbags Like but that Louie's a real piece of shit, but I'm like a fucking read I'm a fucking piece of shit, but it takes one to know one and the things other people do are much worse than the things I do but everything yeah, exactly When I do something it's because of trauma when other people do it they're toxic Marins like a great figure in comp. Like what does he have to do that for? I was a. Why does he have to do that?

Because he's bitter and resentful. Yeah, yeah. He's just dry drunk. Yeah, yeah. I mean he's like like your friend. Us in 25 years. Yeah, I was behind him at my favorite restaurant, Joy. Sure. In Highland Park. Asian restaurant. And he's always with, every time I've seen him,

he's with a new tattooed 20 something. Sure. That's just, and he's. Just a new woman with father issues who doesn't know what's happening yet. I hate to admit it, I kind of was relating to the exact mood he was in where he was looking at everybody and Joy.

And you know how people in Highland Park dress like they're the Cabbage Patch Kids? Yeah. All grown up, it Julie and you know people in Highland Park dress like they're the Cabbage Patch kids Yeah, grown up. It's unbelievable. Everyone in Highland Park dresses like they're they were in the Battle of Gettysburg He has his arms crossed he's looking at I'm watching him He's he's standing right in front of me, but I've met him like five times So I hope he doesn't like turn around and see me he looks out at everybody and I could just he just goes I Just hear him like sigh. I can see him being like, fuck all these people.

She keeps trying to talk to him and he clearly is like, yeah, yeah, whatever. She would ask him something and he goes, yeah, yeah, sure. She'd be like, ooh, can we get this? I really, I really, really want this thing. And he goes, he goes, yeah, that's fine. And she goes, oh my, oh, thank you so much. I'm so excited.

Then she reaches up to make him give her a kiss. And he's like, yeah, I love you, baby. And he's like looking around like, can we get a swing set? Can we get a swing set? Can we get a swing set? Can we get some Play-Doh for her? Can we get a, yeah.

Some crowns, that'd be nice. Maybe one of those little puzzle games. Can we get her swing set? Can we get some Play-Doh for her? Can we get a, yeah. Some crowns, that'd be nice. Maybe one of those little puzzle games. Can we get her some poppers, some Chinese poppers, so she can throw them on the ground and feel really excited. And we need a high chair, not for her, but for me, because that's how I do my act. I sit on a tall thing like a bird. Hey, we're in the cat ranch.

Yeah, no, he's dating a child. Yeah, but it was just I've been there where you're just completely fucking miserable and you're with a woman. You're with a woman. I'm just not in the I'm so you're drowning. You're drowning in the ocean and somebody threw you and basically a big stone. The problem is, is he's like that all the time. Yeah, that's the problem.

I love it's just annoying. I know he just pisses me off Yeah, you're just gonna get a couple to be fair. He hates everybody He hates I love the one thing I do all about Marin is that he talks shit about Adam Sammler's daughter's movie He's like Adam Sammler's daughter didn't put in her juice and he went on a podcast and talk shit about it So good. I was like, that's pretty great. Is that true? Yeah, he was what I type in for that I don't maybe mark Merrin Adam Sandler or something will pop up, but he was just like yeah No, I watch you know, I'm sailors daughter. It was you know good for her. I guess Can't give it up at all

Yeah, it was unlike I don't know if there's gonna be a clip. I think it was on like, the guy from Mr. Show with Bob and David, I'm blanking on his name, not Bob Odenkirk. David Cross? It was on David Cross's podcast. I think. I swear to God you were never going to find this. Okay.

Yeah. I could just see us sweatily looking through it for like 15 minutes. Okay, yeah, I Could just see a sweat only looking through it for like 15 minutes David Cross I didn't David Cross had a whole history with everybody he hated later the cable guy He went after that always bugged me people that always bugged me because he wrote that open letter to Larry the cable guy while he Was doing three chipmunks movies the Alvin the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. It bothered me a little bit that you're like the barometer of taste and like don't listen to your morals whatsoever. Yeah. What? What's going on?

Oh, just my head. My neck hurts all the time, so I have to turn it 180 degrees every two minutes. Are you actually sick though? Are you like sick sick tonight? I think I've gotten over it, yeah. You beat it. I think I beat it. In the midst of the episodes, you beat it. Yeah, I think I beat it by giving it Yeah, you you beat it. I think I beat it in the midst of the episodes you beat it

Yeah, I think I beat it by giving it to you guys Yeah, great. No, we're gonna show up to the barbecue coughing all over ribs burgers. No, I just have a thing from I'm fine. It was just the more I sleep the better I feel Can I say to be fair? This is what John John has done this several times where he shows up raging sick and he goes He's like no, dude. It's fine, I got it 17 hours ago, 17 hours is the cutoff, where you can't catch it anymore. I'm fine, I'm fine. I did stand up last night and the night before

and I gave it to everybody. It's a thing where if you give it to a bunch of people you don't have it anymore. That's great. It's like, it follows. I felt so bad last night, I'm like, I'm not gonna go do that show and I was like Everybody you're super you're doing you're doing stand-up to like give people disease It kind of I felt like I felt like a

Fucking juggernaut walking on stage because I'm like I'm pickpin Like I have kovat or the flu or something. I'm like this is awesome. You're shaking. I have an aura of disease. You're shaking every old guy's hand up front as you walk on stage like Jay Leno doing his show. Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah. But I guess it's been the episode.

I'm I'm sweating profusely. Yeah, it's pretty hot. Are you guys really hot down here? No, you're hot because you're sick. Yeah, I think you're a little hot because I'm sweating profusely. Yeah, it's pretty hot. Are you guys really hot down here? No, you're hot, because you're sick. Yeah, I think I'm a little hot because I'm starting to get sick. You have a fever, and I wanna get away from you as quick as possible, and I don't like you tonight.

I'm not actually sick. I'm not actually sick. I'm not enjoying you. I'm not actually sick. I was just asleep to cry. You guys are really, honestly, we're gonna have to talk about this afterwards, because you guys are really at each other's throats.

Ben has a big thing against me, obviously. He's like, hey, Devin, you're not fucking with me. Can I actually say one real thing I hate about you? Go ahead. Can I say one actual real thing? Because everything I say on this show is a joke. One real thing. If you could articulate it.

Every time I suggest that we order food, you always do say Mediterranean, and that's a real thing that pisses me off. Because he makes me make him go bad, break bad. He makes me make him break bad. And he never. You're like, I know what you wanna do, what's with the dance?

So Kevin uses me. He wants to get Taco Bell or McDonald's every night of his life. Yeah, because it's awesome. It rules, actually. It's so good. Yeah, they're great, Retard. Yeah, it's awesome.

You know what? How about I raise your daughter? I'll fucking be around longer. For once in a while, I would like you give me permission to be bad. It's always me giving you permission, and that's how, you're a shitty friend for doing that. Because I don't fucking open up my phone.

You're a shitty fucking friend. You should call me and be like, hey, I'm really in the mood for spicy orange chicken at Panda Express. Oh, God, you know what? And I go, you know what, Devin? I was eating clean today, but I'm getting in my car and I'm fighting traffic for an hour and 45 minutes

to meet you. That's the problem. And deserting my family. You actually think you did like real work because you had gotten your car and drove. You actually think you did like real work because you got in your car and drove. You actually think you're like, you're special. To get orange chicken? No, you think like you went through the coal mines

because you got in your car and drove out to do the show. No, I actually enjoy the drives. They've been really nice. Okay. I've been listening to audiobooks. But then every night, you're still expecting a big big meal you're still expecting I get to die I deserve Domino's because I'm tired from thinking Yeah, is that why we built the studio so Kate so your wife wouldn't see you order all this door down

He loves coming out here. He's been eating like shit since this we had the city Does he just come over here and just order food and then eat it. Yes He's I'm not gonna come upstairs. I don't think there's been a single night. He's been here. He has an old Bullshit what twice fucking bullshit? Two nights in the last three months where you haven't ordered food. Yes, there has there's been plenty to To get their absolutely has been two months. Oh, they're absolutely been but are they are they are they from Devon or us? He's got a bit, you know, he's got a big cheeseburger head under that I'm just saying You you you're a shitty friend cuz you don't enable people a lot of the time. It's and it's fucked up

You should enable more of your friends. It's fucked up You're always the voice of reason you're're telling people don't do this, don't do that. You're always offering good advice. You listen too much. I'd actually like you to be a little bit worse of a friend. You want me to just be like Ben, you deserve it, man. I want you to be a little bit more like me. We've been doing it all the time.

A little bit, a little bit. You're killing me. You're killing me. You're killing me. Devin says he's, he has, he, he, he, he wits a Trader Joe's for the first time in three months. Yeah, cause of you. You did kind of, I do think you buck broke Devin a little bit. You fucked me over.

I mean, I keep, I keep waiting for you to come over. We just get food. We always get food from the place. You're always like, well, hey, we did a mediocre thing tonight. I think we deserve pounds of food. What's the mediocre thing? I don't know, just anything you're involved in. What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? You did order a feast of Taco Bell the other day. No, stop.

That was actually pretty impressive. You're killing me. You're killing me. You're killing me. You're welcome. I do love it. You can put me up on the cross, but at the end of the day, you're praying to me. Very good, Jace.

You guys wanna nail me up on the cross? That's fine. All right, I'm gonna start stopping you. That's fine. You want me to be a bad guy? I'll stop you. I'll stop you. No, I want you to enable me.

I want you to give me permission to do fucked up shit and be gay. Why would I do that? I care about your daughter. I want you to be alive. Well, Ben's got a very large life insurance policy. I want you to be alive. Yeah, it's all part of my big plan.

Oh, to kill yourself. I have a huge life insurance policy. And a DoorDash subscription. I think Katie just life insurance policy and a DoorDash subscription. I think Katie just, she looked at the DoorDash receipts and then she goes, yeah, can you up that by like another $500 a month? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. She's doing a little protection for all the meals.

Just every once in a while, I'd appreciate it if you cut loose. You're you're you're along with your horses. Yeah, I know. But I have to bring your I have to fucking I have to. It's always me. Why am I always leading the horse with the carrot? You know what I mean? Because you're fat as fuck. But I've got to do a seven day water fast and then gain all the weight back. By the way, how about we end the charade?

You won't do that. You want to make a bet? You'll do it for a day. You'll fast for a day. I'll make a fucking bet right now. You're gonna fast for a day, faggot. You want to bet a thousand bucks? Fuck you.

You're gonna do it for a day. You're not gonna do seven days in a row. I'm gonna do seven days. Are you insane? The content's gonna be terrible. Are you insane? I'm gonna do seven days. Get out of your mind. The content will be bad. The live streams will be feeble. You're not gonna do seven days Insane the car is gonna be saying I'm gonna do seven days

The content will be bad. I think the live streams. I'll be feeble the podcast. Yeah, like an infeeble Fast for seven days straight are we getting with ourselves? I have a complete prediction He's gonna make it day three because that's when the headaches and the weirdness gets really bad You're gonna cave and you're gonna say say, like, Oh, I actually had to. I looked it up. It's actually like really dangerous for me. And then you're going to eat so much food in the next two weeks after that. No, you're going to you're going to you're the you're when the when the astronauts fly around the moon so they can make it back to Earth.

You're going to slingshot around that fast. I am going to be a Paul Schrader character. I'm going to be drinking a lot of water, sitting in the dark, writing in a notebook, reading the Bible. And I'm going to lose all this weight. And then you guys can never make fun of me ever again. The mental fog will be gone. I'll have everything up and everything will be ship shaped.

The fog probably looks tasty to you. He almost he almost said mental fudge. It's like a double cream. You go, oh my god, is that like whipped cream in the sky? Is that fog? Yeah, Ben opens the door to an airplane to try and get a cloud. Clouds do kind of look, I've always thought they look tasty. Like marshmallows, right?

Like marshmallows. Big creamy marshmallows. And no one's ever really been able to encapsulate that in a dish. Which is sad. Because you love to see a like heart. You're not gonna do seven days, buddy. I'll bet you $1,000 right now I do.

Why are you making it so difficult off the bat? Why are you saying seven days? Why don't you like try for two? You've never even done two. Have you ever done two days without eating? Why don't you start slow? Why don't you like try for two you've never even done two have you ever done two days without eating? Why don't you start slow? What do you start slow? How do you fucking like act like a? Seven is I mean as a guy who like actually was anorexic for a while like sevens a lot sevens First I ever made it was five and that was that felt insane

Man man real quick? Yeah, there's nothing in that. I'm gonna show Devin. There's nothing in that. You see that drop of water right there? No, there's no drop of water, because there's nothing left. Because you can't even handle water.

You like drink water like crazy. Okay, I see a couple drops, two drops. You see that drop of water right there? Yes, I do. That's you, two drops. You see that drop of water right there? Yes, I do. That's you and that's me, drops of water. Okay. You're a mountaintop water drop. Jace, do you know what I'm doing right now?

Yeah, you're doing the Edward James almost speech from the Walking Phoenix documentary. Devin has no idea what we're doing right now. I never saw it. You're a mountaintop water drop. One day you start sliding down the mountain and you think, wait a minute, I'm a mountaintop water drop.

I don't belong in this low valley, this river, this dark ocean. And you feel lost and you feel confused. And then one day you evaporate way up, all the way to the heavens. And you realize it was at your lowest was when you felt closest to God. The seven day fast is me going through that dark ocean

and being the mountain top water drop. Oh my God. What, Edward, these are the words of Edward James Olmos. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wait, you don't like Edward James Olmos? He's fine. He's brilliant, cuz he has acne scars

That's a man who's been through enough right because of the acne yeah pop so many zits he became good at art. Mm-hmm. Yeah Sure, so he's indirectly telling you to fast for seven Yeah, and he clearly hasn't done way too much cocaine and has some weird a pseudo Eastern religion He didn't make that speech to Joaquin and then go do some weird shit to a prostitute right afterwards. It's, if Devin hasn't seen it, he actually should see that real quick. It is a pretty nice speech in the middle of that.

I actually like that documentary a lot. That fake documentary. It's my favorite documentary, dude. It's my favorite. I wanna go anywhere near that far, but it is pretty, it's really underrated. It's probably my favorite, if not my favorite thing ever made. anywhere near that far, but it is pretty, it's really underrated. It's probably my favorite, if not my favorite thing like ever made. What is that, Rabbi Shmueli?

That's me. Oh, that's Joaquin Phoenix. That's you, drops of water, and you're on top of the mountain, a success. But one day you start sliding down the mountain. Joaquin's so good. Wait a minute, I'm a mountain top water drop. I don't belong in this valley this river is this I'm still dark yeah all these drops of water and you feel confused then one day gets hot and you

slowly evaporate into air wait so this is the one where he wants to be a rapper or he's trying to be evidence then. All the heavens, then you understand that when I told you that you were closest to God. Because life's a journey that goes round and round and the end is closest to the beginning. So if it's change you need, relish the journey. Be a drop of running water. Be the invisible pools of your soul.

Yeah, great Evaporation love Creativity It's in the darkest moments It's when The cracks allow the inner light to come out But the spotlights Don't let you see the inner light. Yeah, it's actually, with the editing, it's brilliant.

Yeah, it's great. I love the self-absorbed Hollywood asshole. You got me. It's such a good thing. You're right. I'll try and make you, why don't we get some food tonight? Actually, I need to go home and get rest and not eat See because that better about myself

I want you to feel like a temptress of some kind you You go, I want you to go and you gotta go. Am I just a siren of sorts? Am I some sort of muse? I'm over you. I'm over you. I'm done. Go home to your fucking family and your little, oh you died, yeah.

And go fucking, you know, be healthy, bitch. I am Apollo and you're a Dionysus. That's what's going on. I don't know enough of you. I don't even get that reference. Your words, your big words. You're the god of wine. Nobody cares. You're the god of chaos.

Yeah, enjoy it. And you hate me because I... Enjoy all these analogies, enjoy all these analogies until the end of time. It won't save you, none of these will save you. You'll still wind up on the side of the road dead. You know, for a guy who loves Greek food so much, you think you learned about the...

For big fat. You pull over one day, you pull over one day, you go, what's going on? Oh! And you'll just fall. You'll fall to your knees on the side of the 110. I will say, for a guy who loves Greek food so much, you know nothing about their culture or their myths.

Who gives a shit? You're the fucking retard that thinks he needs to know about cultures. Nobody cares It will never do anything for you ever keep talking about Jungian things and the all the King James Bible It's meaningless You're gonna die alone That's why you have kids cuz then you don't die alone right you do That's why you have kids, because then you don't die alone. You do die alone. They might not make it.

They'll be hanging out, partying. They'll be doing everything you taught them to do. And they won't be there. Yeah. They'll be across the country. You are sudden death. That's the problem. She'll be at Columbia partying, having fun.

She'll be fucking, she'll be doing rails with Ivy Wolk. And you'll be dying on the side of the street. with Ivy Wulk and you'll be dying on the side of the street. She won't make it back in time, you'll die. You don't think, the doctors usually call like and then she gets on the plane. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no morgue. Right on the side of the road, the 10 West, you'll be on the side of the 10 West, cars flying by. Cars flying by. Yeah, lizards coming up licking on your skin. People getting BJ's while they drive.

There is a- As you die on the side of the road. There's a metaphor. And your daughter won't be anywhere around. If you allow me- She won't be close. There's a metaphor. She'll be across the country, she'll be in Spain.

She'll be going to Columbia, Spain. How dare you. She'll only be in a white country. Why is that crazy? I'm saying your daughter's gonna be incredibly fucking successful. Yeah, she'll be in Switzerland, thank you. She'll be going to Switzerland, whatever.

It is funny to call Spain, like it's the heart of Africa. White country's only. Like it's Gola Gola Island. Meanwhile you'll be outside of a Yoshinoya, fucking falling to your knees with a bowl in your hand. With a teriyaki bowl. I'm not in Yoshinoya. Die in front of a Yoshinoya.

If you die in Yoshinoya, you definitely go to hell. You absolutely go to hell. It's legally not, it's not legal to bury you. It's like when you commit treason you have to be burned. Oh, fuck. By the way, shout out to Ivy. I wasn't saying her name in a derogatory way. It's okay, I already got to save that a point for you, buddy. No, it's fine.

No, that wasn't mean. I love Ivy. But if I may use a metaphor in closing here, I mean, I love Ivy but If I may use a metaphor in closing here because we're at an hour and a half. Mm-hmm There's a being you're gonna fart There's a being that does not require any sort of Water or care or sustenance. None of these things, all these things are supplied for it on its own and the world is totally dark.

And one day they see a light and they're traveling toward it and they think their life is about to end. Boring! And they think their life is about to end. Boring! And they think their life is about to end. And as they enter the light, they realize that they were a baby in a womb for nine months and they were just being born and their life has just started.

That's the gayest fucking thing I've ever heard about. Think about that. That sucks. What Oprah ass woodblock did you steal that off of? I saw it on an Instagram roll and I couldn't wait to share it on here That's it's for the it's for the moms who convinced themselves that they are the president of the United States.

You're going to fucking, you know what? I change your death. You're going to die outside of a flame broiler. You're going to die outside of a flame broiler. Dude, I don't know what that is. In Scottsdale. You will. You'll know.

One day you'll be fucking. You'll be very familiar. You'll, for whatever reason, you'll wind up in Scottsdale, and you'll be you'll be you'll walk doing well You'll wander in You're visiting me and Devon who have the big mansions in Scottsdale, but we've been putting witness protection We still hang out yeah, we both have mustaches And you're for whatever reason you're the only member of the show that didn't have to change his name You guys want to live in Scottsdale because it's two dudes names put together

very good You god damn it Damnit 25% hit Damn it! Fuck! 25% hit! God damn you! Why are you leg shaking? What is with you?

Cause I owed you guys, I built this, I'm like the Oppenheimer of cringe. Uh huh. Where I devised like an atom bomb of cringe that I just dropped here and I, both of you guys got so upset when I told that little tale. That is what you do here. That is what you do here.

Yeah. They can't believe. And this is how I win. By dying?. And this is how I win. By dying? No, this is how I win. I've defeated both of you. You both have laid down your swords at this point and the show's over.

You're done. You're finished. You're KO'd. You can admit defeat right now if you wanna, you know, go out with a little grace. Yeah, sure. We're tired of listening to you, you know, be terrible at your job.

Sure, well to be fair I'm playing with the flu right now. This is like the flu game if Jordan was two for 50 from the field. Just kept shooting. He just kept, he keeps vomiting, slipping in his toe up. The bulls lost by 30. He goes in for a dunk and shits himself midair and it comes out of show Well, that's been the show then I guess you guys totally got owned

Epic failure now, I love you Ben. I love you buddy. I love you. Hope you feel better. Hope you feel better I love you jazz Hope we do We're done with this I turn the air conditioning off. Get the fuck out of my house. I don't think I'm actually sick though. No, what? You seem, you better be sick,

because you've been terrible tonight. You ruined all that. If you're not sick, we're gonna have to talk. I think it's way after the sickness. I think I'm good. Were you sick yesterday? And a little bit in the morning today, but I think I'm fine. Were you sick and a little bit like in the morning today? But I think I'm fine. We sick the day. He hasn't got a sick the day before yesterday

Yes, I was and then I think it might just be your immune system I think it's literally just my immune system is and it's fighting off whatever I got Sick you just worn down. I dude I had I slept like an extra five hours today during the day and I'm just Yeah drenched in yeah, it sounds like you're worn down. Yeah, you're worn down. Yeah Sure, I make you feel better a Bunch of fudge dude. I want McDonald's so bad. I know what is it McDonald's after this I want to be like what you you were like yelling at me about not encouraging you to get McDonald's get McDonald's get McDonald's man It will whatever you want whatever your brain need will you have some no but like get McDonald's you should get McDonald's All right. Thanks, buddy. I love you watch you

You didn't throw like little wadded up listen we can both have like you have Ronald Reagan. I have Ronald McDonald there we go Hey, I love Reagan and Jay says Ronald Jenkies Who's wrong? Thank yous. You never remember the Ronald Jenkins. He made the song for Bill Simmons show that Why would anyone know that you fucking don't pull it out? You're sick. Oh shit. Pull it up, man God he really is a problem. I did I remember that. You know the guy that made the Bill Simmons I remember I remember talking I remember it now that made the Bill Simmons. I remember talking I remember it now that you say but to think that I would remember the name of the guy who made oh my god

You just did a million in a row. Yeah, the keyboard does this It's a sign to not look it up wasn't it to stay crunchy or was it throwing fire? I always forget he was like my favorite musician back in the day He was throwing fire, I always forget. He was like my favorite musician back in the day. Hell of a guy. He's so retarded. I don't know, no one knows, no one on Earth knows what you're talking about, Ben.

I think it might have been Stay Crunchy. How many tubes? And he looks all fucked up. This isn't the one, I don't think. It isn't? He makes good stuff, but. What is that? Maybe it was throwing fire. What is that? You didn't type in Bill Simmons theme.

Who is this? Uh, Jesus, isn't it? Isn't it Bill Simmons, right? Yeah, it's Bill. I'm amazed you didn't type in Bill Simmons in this search I thought the Bill Simmons one would have popped up first Dirty owes dirty. How are you tubes? Hits you directed towards my videos

You must be a popular dude cuz I don't know anything about sports and I pull out of Ronald Jenkies reference out of nowhere Do you really works for yes, reference out of nowhere. I hate Bill Simmons. Do you really? A lot of sports fans do hate him, yeah. I love the big book of basketball. Did you not like that book? I want him to be better. He's disrespected Kobe his entire career. I can't respect a guy that has never actually

appreciated the life and times of Kobe Bryant so he can fuck off but I also do respect Bill Simmons at the same time so I don't know it's complicated complicated issue for me and obviously exploits retards like you know it's very early stages developing it but it's got a real dirty sound like a Steak that was included in the intro. I remember yeah It's worth it with the build-up It really goes doesn't it Actually sounds a lot worse than I remember it. Oh, he hasn't played yet.

He kicks ass down there. We should get him to do a lemon party theme. You think he's still alive? Oh no, he killed himself by cop years ago. Suicide by cop. You gotta admit, he kicks ass big time. Oh, he's still making stuff. That was fun. He's looking good.

He got less retarded? I guess he did. I think he just stopped being fake retarded. Oh, you think that was fake, that he was doing that? I mean, yeah. I don't think so, dude. You can't go from retarded guy to wigger, naturally. That doesn't happen.

Well, just because he changed his hat, I don't think he's. I don't know. I think you can. Retarded guy to wigger is maybe the most obvious. Actually, David, can I say say instant checkmate on that one? I have no argument to stand on whatsoever. All right, everybody. That's been the show.

Thank you so much for listening. God bless you all. Patreon.com. I'm sorry. I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina. Music would play and Bolita would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Bolita. Wicked and evil while casting a spell My love was deep for this Mexican mate I was in love but in vain I could tell

One night a while young Calmore came in Wild as the West Texas wind