lemonparty - 102: Uncancellable

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

Use code "LEMON" to get 50% off your first order at Ruby's Flowers H*mp Farm and use code “PARTY” your second time. Directly from their farm to your home!  See Ben Avery (and Friends) Live in Austin this Thursday Oct. 10, 8PM, at The Velveeta Room, Tickets available here: https://the-velveeta-room-the-velveeta-room.seatengine.com/shows/283279  NEW MERCH: https://lemonparty.myshopify.com/ more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty live dates: https://www.lemonparty.life/livedates ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Austin, Texas. I'm coming to Austin, Texas this week to have anonymous gay sex. But also, I will be at the Velveeta Room at 8 p.m. on Thursday and Big Comics will be opening the show from Netflix's Tires. Big podcasts and just various racist people I've met on the Internet who I think are funny. I'd like to have a big standup career. So I keep going from city to city and having anonymous gay sex without my wife knowing. But if my standup career doesn't take off, I'm not gonna get to do that.

So please buy tickets. It's in the description of this episode. I'd like to sell this out. We're gonna all go to Dave and Buster's after. It should be a good time. Thank you so much and God bless you all. Bruh, he's cringe. He's never gonna be one of the 250. Get that out of your head right now. Go back to your desk and stop listening to podcasts. All right, you're scaring everybody in the office.

He's fucking coming. You're listening to podcasts, alright? You're scaring everybody in the office. Sad to see what you've become, bruh. I'm a female cop. Shut up, bitch. Ain't nobody get fucked by that. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Time to make history, baby. Trump is landing at 6 p.m. tomorrow. I need you on top of that sloped roof across from the damn Burger King.

You know the one off main? should be a pretty clear shot. Don't even make the deal I thought you said you had a girl on the light beam Always in my face Talking, listening Girl, I had the best of me Testing, check one, test two, testing, check Check, test Shrek 1, Shrek 2 Shrek Forever After

Shrek 3 Folks, just a little bit of alt comedy, get the juices pumping We're starting a real KC Rocket episode. That guy, by the way. I've yet to find a fan of his, yet he's selling out huge... I'm not going to act like the comments are the nicest to me out there, but I'm just saying. I'll tell you a fan of his. They're pretty hostile. People on KC Rocket's Instagram comments, people are like, I'm just saying I mean there I'll tell you if they're pretty hostile people on a case you're I get to Instagram comments

People are like I'm getting a gun Like that's the comment like I'm on my way Tom on my way to kill you Thomas Matthew Crooks is in the comments Casey Rockett stand-up Well his I know a fan or two of his and one of them's name is Joe Rogan Does that mean anything to you, you fucking asshole? Well yeah, the great taste maker. He's a king maker, man. Now he is a taste maker.

I've heard he has one taste bud. Not the finest palate. If he was Anthony Bourdain, he'd be walking to the bathroom and eating shit, and he's going, this is tremendous. You come to Cambodia, this is the shit that you eat. This shit's a killer, man. Mm-hmm. It's killer shit.

By the way, this is gonna be the regular right here. Oh, is it? Because I'm going down to Austin, Texas, guns of lasin', and I'm holding no prisoners. You know what you should do when you get there, which is funny, you should put a cowboy hat on. Oh, that'd be an original bet. I love when comics do that.

A big cowboy hat. A poster with a cowboy hat. Yeah, just look like Lloyd Christmas coming out of a 7-Eleven. Wow, that's funny. I love when people are going to Texas and they're like, they're like, I used to be a cowboy and I'm in a rope and... And again, that's what they listen to there. Right. And that's what they listen to at like five fifteen other states.

Which is very funny because they do that ironically, like all the people they fucking hate in Brooklyn and in the LA comedy scene. And it's also, I mean it is funny, imagine you're going to Mexico, you have a big mustache and a trail of bullets around you. Yeah. Okay. And you're just listening to like,

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. And you're like, is this what you guys do? Yeah, okay, you know, when in Rome. Yeah, Tony Hedgecliffe, okay, mi amigo. By the way, big, big news in the comedy community. Oh yeah, yeah. David Lucas, known black guy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Known black, yeah, black comedian David Lucas. Known black man. Black guy who gives black eyes. Yeah. Who we just figured out his dad is a senator, by the way. Yeah, his dad. A state senator. His dad's like the Georgia Bulldog or something.

His dad started the Martin Luther King project or something in Georgia, I think. I don't even know how to find this fucking, oh, on Reddit, of course, there it is. Yeah, there we go. Find it immediately. Oh, it's immediately. Yeah, yeah, just open up the Lemon Party subreddit.

Now, from what I understand, this gentleman next to him is his friend. That's William Montgomery. William Montgomery. He yells and stuff. Very good. There's, listen, there's all different types of comedy out there, Devin,

and who's to say you can't describe your comedy as yelling? I didn't mean that in a negative way. No, I'm just saying, it was very tongue in cheek. Was it? Yeah, get that off your high horse there a little bit, pal. I like when I put on, you know, Kiltunny Clip comes up and he just goes like, damn it!

Yeah. And it's, you know, it's, it's, It's incredible. It's avant garde and, and you know, It's performance art. The people in, the people in that Austin scene, they've never seen that before. Yeah, it is, it is funny.

They don't realize they're just watching all comedy for the first time. Yeah, it is true. Yeah. They're the guys we watched bomb before we went up at open mics. Yeah. On the East side.

Yeah. And then just crushed, just had crushing sets. Devin, you know. But also I can't judge Willie, maybe his set. It's just weird when you see him and the crab man come out. You go, are they really doing like, are they doing like 20 minutes? Like how do they do 20 minutes when you watch them? You go, they're like, when they do shows,

like how are they doing like long shows? Yeah, I thought that myself. Cause Casey Rocketsall said it's like Manson on the stand. You have like no idea what's happening. Yeah, yeah, just like physically, he's gonna need like salt tablets like halfway through the show. It is impressive for like a minute

cause you're just kind of like what even, what happened? But you go, but a comedy, like a big show for 20 straight minutes, like what is happening? I think I've noticed a bit of a cheat code with standup now and instead of you being funny, you could make someone in the audience do all the talking and then you can just kind of sit there.

Yeah, and then call them retarded every once in a while. You call them up like, what, your dad owned a flashlight company, like that, and then she keeps, she's talking, and then she's getting laughs too. So then you share the load. Yeah, exactly. You share the load of having to be funny and telling jokes.

And my favorite part of standup is handing a release to somebody so you can post an Instagram reel of them. Exactly, we should do that on this show where we read the comments of the last podcast. Yeah. All the funny ones, 20 to 30 funny ones, that'll fill 25 minutes of the hour we had to fill. Yeah, let's ask the fans, comment what you do for a living

and we'll talk about it. For another episode. Can we do virtual crowd work? Comment work. Ha ha ha. Last comment standing. Ooh. Ooh. Love that. Ooh.

Hosted by Jay Moore, who's floating in the Pacific now. He's stranded. Genie Busk killed him. Genie Busk saved him. It just hits him with a big stick so it will roll over. Genie Busk took Jay Moore to the Wildlife Way station and nursed him back to health. Oh yeah, he had the thing that holds six packs together around his neck. Yeah, did it cut it off him? Well, he's still dating Jeannie bus right he's on but he's lucked in so hard. I know J Moore is a I

He's extremely fucking talented guy. Yeah, I used to like to stand up a lot probably like a nightmare person Maybe I don't know But I used to love his appearances on ONA sometimes and he was like real too He's like say crazy shit and he would have shows on CBS at the same time Yeah, Gary and married Gary and married of course the great show great Gary and married Yeah, you know the new generation you may as well be you know talking about like Chaplain or something like he's so old. I know it's so far back

He should like Jesus he should on Rogan recently, too I mean you guys talking about like Jonathan Winters. Yeah, he's so old. He's very he's very old He's one of the last survivors of that entire like era. It is crazy. He's like the favorite comic of like Jimmy Carter He's like He's Jimmy cars favorite comic of like Jimmy Carter. He's like the last, yeah, I know. Yeah, Jimmy Carter's with his mouth gate. He's been like, show me J. Turn me into a candy tuna. Show me the Christopher Walken impression.

I need to see Colin Quinn's impression one last time. What were you saying though, Devin? I cut you off. No, just of all those like early 2000s guys, you know, in that New York scene, like Jay's one of the. He's fantastic. Yeah, it's like the pianist, when he comes out and the Russians are shooting at him.

And he's like, why do you have that jacket on? He's like, because I am cold. They save him, he's like. And then he goes and meets a Nazi in that movie, which, so in the pianist, there's an Act Three where he's hiding in a different house that's bombed to shit, and then a Nazi comes in and they become friends and I thought it was gonna be a broke back Mountain thing we get to see this fuck the Nazi mounts. Yeah, the bony gaunt

And the weak shoe is so hungry they's like well this semen will at least give me some Yeah, that's the direction I saw it going. Yeah, he was begging for a facial. He goes, I've got something for you to eat. Let me swallow. Please let me swallow. Yeah, it becomes the penis, folks. Damn right.

How about that? Damn right, we're so much better than these awesome panelists. Yeah, fuck them. Speaking of which, you know who would have made the pianist better? David Lucas. Yeah. Yeah.

Because he could have, they could have been like, all right, bring out the bear Jew. Boy, you skinny as hell. Bring out the black bear Jew. What happened? He comes out, he strangles them. Yeah. You don't even need the smokestacks. Well, they just-

Well, you got a killer like him. The Holocaust is they just make David Lucas date the Jews And they end up dead one by one Yeah, now we've all here's the thing about this David Lucas kerfuffle is it which is Treats he treats women like Homer treated Bart and he was angry the police report says kerfuffle Yeah, it's a bit of a kerfuffle He thinks that's a pastry

Now here's a here's the like we've all had No, we haven't been our best around our wives our partners everybody's this is fun prone to anger, but this is this is I get it It's not that big of a deal. I guess this was a damn audio Fuck here we go boy It's not that big of a deal. Where's the damn audio? Here we go boy To the point Bro, they beating the shit out of these oh, I'm gonna pep would you be gorilla pim? I strangle a bitch

To the point it to the breaker there to the breaker there That bitch will see the light, then I'll bring her back. Yeah. I'll be like, get your ass up, bitch. Bro, did I ever tell you the story about the- That ass up, bitch. I hope she don't- I hope- What's the statute of limitations with- With what?

With violence. Violence? The only time- I was young, bro. How come all these podcasts look like, like foot, like when Al Qaeda would like capture a journalist. Yeah, these podcasts, they're engages. It looks like they're being forced to do this. They're about to be doused with gasoline. It really should be, they should do a podcast

and then there's seven guns firing at them. Nobody knows what the real bullets are. Yeah, this just kicks ass. You don't have to be doused with gasoline. It really should be, they should do a podcast and then there's seven guns firing at them. Nobody knows what the real bullets are. Yeah. Yeah, this kicks ass. So he's asking what the statute of limitations is on violence. I was young, I was young, bruh,

and I know she don't watch this, but if she do, god damn it, she gonna... What happened when you were young? I was like 21, 22, fresh to LA, bro. I was dating this one girl. We had a studio apartment together. Yeah. Now where did he come, he said fresh to LA.

Where is he from, Cambridge? I'm trying to pick up the accent. He actually, he dropped out of Yale so he could pursue comedy. All right, let's see what he has to say about violence and the statute of limitations. And he thinks he's on a game show

where who can set black people back the farthest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, the game's over. You completely smashed every record. They go, yeah, they go, the reigning champion David Lucas versus crack cocaine. Who can win? Like the Reagan administration's Frankenstein

Yeah, Reagan Reagan just put a curling iron to his hair and brought him back to life Jesus Christ. No, he should be in that ultimate. Yeah. He should be in what Jace? That old, you remember that a spike TV show where it was like who would win like gangsters or ninjas like type of thing? The ultimate fighter. Oh, like American Ninja warrior. No, no. It was, they? No, no, they would bring guys on, they'd be like, okay, we have the Ronin

from the 14th century Japan, and then we have Roman gladiators, and who would win? Hypothetically, and they'd run a fake simulation. They should do that with every black person who's ever lived. And David Lucas, yeah. Or just put him in an epic rap battle. Yeah.

Versus Hitler, see who wins. Yeah, and Hitler would be like, don't say that, man. That's fucked up. So an effort rap battle. Yeah versus Hitler See who wins. Yeah, and Hitler be like don't say that man. Yes, that's fucked up. Take it easy Yeah, apparently David Lucas has like ten children too, by the way. Is that true? Yeah, he's talked about it He refuses to breastfeed them all What's cuz he only has eight nipples so two would be left out There's two little black kids just fighting to try and get in left out there's two little black kids just fighting to try and get in all right all right guys let's be nice real people these are real people there's a nice guys he's just trying to tell a story on a show

get your ass out of here what happened? this one time this one time this one, I used to be a crazy boyfriend, but I used to be like one of them little jealous niggas. And she was taking a shower and she was about to go somewhere. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, you about to go out

and be a hoe, this, that, and the other. I was like, I might as well just stop fucking with your ass. And then she said something like, I was like, yeah, I was talking shit like, yeah, you gonna miss this dick. And she was like, I can always suck another. I was talking like, it had set me off, but I grabbed that bitch from behind her neck, bro.

And that bitch, I choked the dog and she passed out. She passed out of my arm in literally like five seconds. I forgot about the passing out. Yeah, that's why, that's like the worst detail Is that I mean the the only thing it's like it was you didn't throw in a river chucked a woman unconscious Yeah to the point of death yeah, he like yeah, is he the Austin serial killer? David Lucas, I mean if he is I mean God bless them. Yeah, I don't know if she's baptizing women in the lake Down to the river to pray Trying to bring him back to life. Is that what the Austin serial killers doing? He's baptizing his victims perhaps

I mean, no, they're just being found in the But here is a possibility we haven't considered so he did show his girlfriend I Guess to death in a way and brought her back, the Lazarus effect, if you will. But maybe what we're not realizing here, he's just, maybe he's too good at roasting. Right, yeah. He's too, like, when they say he's a killer up there. He just goes, he goes, boy, if you don't,

and then just two hands around the neck. Motherfucker look like. Motherfucker look like you're about to die. Motherfucker, motherfucker look like. Motherfucker look like you're about to die. Motherfucker look purple. Motherfucker look like a blueberry. Boy, you stupid as hell. Boy, you look like that Willy Wonka bitch. No windpipe having oxygen deprived to your brain ass.

Victim of a lineage of violence, ass motherfucker. Doing what my father did to my mama, ass. And what was ultimately passed down from slavery, ass lineage of trauma. But the Jews owned the ships, ass. The ships were not white. They were Jewish ships, though. I need to talk about that, ass.

They caused every war in the world, ass. He just keep getting more progress. She's like, stop talking about Jews. Enough about Jews. Like, damn, he's fucking roasted. He said he went up behind her, right, and did the fucking, like, UFC fucking chokehold. Yeah, something you'd do in war.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. You do that in a he Like you would do that in splinter cell. Remember the Tom Clancy video games splinters. I love Tom Clancy Yeah, you would sneak up on a guy you're in a ski match You sneak up on somebody put him in a choke hold and you bring him to the ground and they're like then you take his Silenced pistol you do that to like your girlfriend who's like has a towel around her Yeah, he's like doing her make although that would be a great video game is Tom Tom Clancy's black boyfriend

The early 2000s It makes sense it was given a platform by a UFC fight commentator. Yeah, exactly uncle Tom Clancy hey There we go there. We go high five high fives all around, we're having fun. We're having a great time. This is the main, by the way. Hope you guys know that. Enjoy the DMs. She passed out of my arm in literally like five or six

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Do not take these products and operate any kind of vehicle. No customer data was actually to massage to their knowledge. Thank you, Ruby Flowers, and now back to the show. She passed out of my arm in literally like five or six seconds. Oh my god. I was so scared. I thought I was gonna- Was that in the shower? She was drying off. Drying off?

Yeah, but she collapsed in my arm. That was scary as a bitch, bro. What'd you do? As soon as she hit the ground, but she collapsed. That was scary as a bitch, bro. What'd you do? As soon as she hit the ground, she woke up. I started crying. The ground revived her. I didn't. I just looked at the bitch. Yeah, I kind of like kicked her with my foot. I kicked her a few times. I said, bitch, you okay? I kicked her a few times with my fucking elephant ankle. With my fucking swollen feet. Yeah, yeah, my fucking ottoman of a foot. Jesus Christ, can you imagine you wake up

from unconsciousness and realize you're dating David Lucas? And he just choked you. It's funny to be a domestic abuser, by the way, and also incredibly out of shape. Yeah, I know. Were you almost midway through choking? He's like, man, I got to get back in the gym.

My cardio is just, I used to- Not on top of my game anymore. I used to be so good at choking women I dated, and now I can barely get it to the ground. Well, let's see. Maybe he exonerates himself at the end. Maybe he says, oh, I'm just doing a joke. It's a comedy show after all.

We'll see. Literally, like imagine you choke on somebody and before you know, they just pass out. Oh wow. Yeah. That's how it works. And I wasn't prepared to catch a body. Right. To catch her falling back.

Literally, and figured. Man, listen, bro. She fell to the ground and she woke up, she was like, what happened? What'd you say, you slipped in the bathroom? I told her that she was yelling at me. William Montgomery is looking at him, he's like, my parents were right about Black Girl Boy.

They warned me when I moved to Austin. They told me what they do. The N word from Montgomery. Yeah. It's a John Prine song. Yeah, yeah, it's great. It Prine song. It's not for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a t-shirt design.

That's just his leftovers. On his right shoulder. I was wondering what that was. That's from a powdered doughnut. Yeah. She woke up, she was like, what happened? What'd you say? you slipped in the bathtub?

I told her that she was yelling and then she just fell out. What did she say, how'd she take that? She believed it, but then when we laid on down the line, I told her I had choked her. What did she say? We were just real physical, bro. She said, what my ass? But she brought my laptop and I lied to my mom and told her that I love that that finally like oh, we were just real physical. So it was all fine Yeah, that's and then he doesn't admit says say she did anything physical to just broke his laptop. Yeah

Yeah, I mean Jerry's still out though dumb you gotta be to tell that story. On a podcast. You gotta have a pretty big retard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be like, why does everybody hate me? That's so crazy, man. Which means, what has he done that he won't talk about? Right.

You know? Right. Like, if that's it. He was on that show with that troll kid. What troll kid? Mateen. What are you talking about? You know that that kid that like just is like a troll. Oh, yeah He was on that show and like didn't didn't He he didn't know how to like handle like the troll and he kept getting like actually like angry and stuff. Yeah Just didn't seem to have much comedy sense there. Yeah, I don't know if

No one's ever used the word wit to describe them. I don't think yeah, you know nothing ever written in a written by Nothing pinned by Shakespeare has ever been used to describe David Lucas. I don't think Maybe some people would you know walk out of his show and go wow what a romp Yeah, they might say that. Right. To describe his comedy, you would use a pretty violent vocabulary. Yeah. Wow, there's real mayhem in there.

Yeah, you'd walk out sounding like Eastwood in Grantorino. And you'd be right. You'd be just as kind. I still love the clip of him saying, he's like, you be leaving my show. You be thinking it's cerebral re- Yeah, you be thinking it's a rebury. Yeah, you be thinking. You be thinking when you leave my show.

Yeah. You be thinking about what you did with your night. You be thinking about how you can get your money back. You be thinking about the number for the club, you can call tomorrow morning. Get your refund. Get your refund. Maybe get free tickets, come back. He called your white wife the N-word and said he was going to rape her.

This all makes sense because the beginning of his comedy special was him just doing a horrible woman beating joke. Yeah, he talks about- Let's see that. Hold on. Yeah, put that about. Let's see that, hold on. Yeah, put that on. Let me, what is it called? David Lucas. It's, God knows.

Just, it's canceled or uncancelable, some bullshit like that. All right. Let's see if he locks in. That's not it, that's not it. No, that's not it, no. Is that even like, David Lucas uncancelable? He might have deleted it,

because it got so much like- Or just maybe special. There's been like a ton of documentaries about how bad he is. Yeah, unfortunately the only thing popping up is like Elephant Graveyard. Uncancelable, there, yeah. Because it's mine. Yeah, there you go, uncancelable.

And look, he's even in the thumbnail, he's like, motherfucker look like- He's doing the hack black guy hand. Yeah, the look like- I can't sell a book. What is this, a comedy show? And he got Danny Brown into the song. Danny Brown's like, David Lucas on the mic

and he's fat as shit and he's a hacking black for blacks. Ain't it not funny though? Ain't it funny how it happened? David Lucas hattin' black people back. We used to sit in the back. He's the real atrocity exhibition folks. Oh man. Can you go to show him walking up the way he has no respect for the audience when he

walks up? None whatsoever. Hey everybody, new sponsor here. This is kind of a begrudging sponsor. So we're reading that now Well, we want to say say if you're tired of seeing Ben only on your computer screen, you're in luck You can see Ben live in Austin, Texas this Thursday Oh, yeah, Ben Avery and friends is coming to the VEL VITA room this Thursday, October the 10th And Ben's been working hard on Santa. We all saw you at the the Virgil the other day. He's a great had a great Thanks guys. Yeah, it was genuinely good and go out

Just as we were open we were wondering But yeah, go out see Ben. You can probably talk to him afterwards, you know, buddy up I wanted to come but I don't know. I'm seeing Billy Joel on the 12th. Are you really? With Joey, yeah. Oh, that's awesome. That's a fine way.

Where, the bowl? Somewhere, yeah. I think, or the Intuit Dome or one of the- That makes more sense, yeah. Somewhere, yeah. That sounds fine, man. Yeah, I don't know really anything about Billy Joel. I just was like drunk and bought a ticket with him.

Well, I guess maybe should we plug Billy Joel's show? Billy Joel's also two days after bed. You're gonna cancel your show, so you can go to Billy Joel's. So if you're not going to the Billy Joel's show, go to see Ben at Velveeta Room. The show's gonna sell out, so pause this episode and get your tickets now.

Again, that's Ben, Avery and Friends this Thursday, October the 10th at 8 p.m. at the Velveeta Room in Austin, Texas. Tickets and show info in the link in Show notes that was a time. I'm worried sick about it. Why why do I have to basically improvise the whole thing? Yeah, that's why it's gonna be fun. It'll be fun. You get to watch a man go walk onto a high wire and Fight for his life. Yeah, it's so much more fun to improvise. Yeah, it's actually much better comedy than repeating stuff.

It's fun to me. Yeah. If it starts going poorly, I'll just Alaska. You'll start doing Tom Segura's newest hour? Yeah. Well, I'm going to plant a Chinese guy in the front row, and I'll be like, get him! Yeah, so you're like, he's filled with candy,

it's a pinata. I'm gonna bring police dogs on stage with me. In case things head south. The ones from like the pre-civil rights era. Those types of dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones where the dogs got like put on desk duty. Yeah.

Okay, those dogs. And then we'll see who bombs. How about that? We will see who bombs how about that we will see who bombs If you think about that fuckers So go to the Velveeta room link in shownettes Thanks. Thanks David Lucas's first ever special. Let's go. Yeah! Let's go. You know him from Kill, Tony.

Your number, David Lucas. You know we from the bottom, but now we at the top. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best. It's like all white people.

I know, yeah. Look at this. I might do what I want. Say how I feel. Tell me what I got. By the way, is this a dog of some kind? Yeah, what the fuck is this? It's just you know come on. It's a it's a golden retriever in a bathtub That's a wig she put on for safety. She knows if you Yeah, it's a little bit of styrofoam underneath just in case he's on top of the skull

Also the guy I probably should say is with the guy who was opening for him I remember we know that guy Yeah, I remember what we're gonna out him right no not for anything. I don't need a stupid terrorist No, no, it was just why it was it was very funny what type I was at a Zoom show in San Diego, and there's a group chat of all the comics It was like anybody get can anybody give me a ride down to San Diego so I can save gas money And he was like I can do it. I was like I actually found a ride And I just drove to San Diego Who's gonna hear this?

Whatever who gives a fuck. He's a very nice. He's a very nice guy. He's making a million dollars a year But doesn't even remember who I am to be honest why would he We're bitter? Yeah. Who gives a shit? Guys, the Boveda Room, October 10th, Austin Tech has been Avery live in Austin. Ben will be getting mobbed by 15 to 25 cops. His best friend showed up to our first live show. He did, actually.

Yeah, Derek's so nice. Derek is great. Yeah. Yeah, I love Derek. And I actually love Jace back you gotta wait until they do something like this and then you can then you can go at them. It's all about timing I know sorry. I just you know, I saw him and I would just went into a I was like I love There's a story in my head. So I have to say it into a microphone No, of course, of course obviously and I would never. Right, and now let's get back to David Lucas,

looking at porn on his phone before he starts. He's exiting out of like nine tabs. Nine tabs. He's watching Peter Griffin fuck L.S. Ah! He's so retarded. He watched his cartoon porn. He watched his cartoon porn,

and he doesn't know there's real porn. He doesn't retarded. He watched his cartoon porn. He watched his cartoon porn and he doesn't know there's real porn. He doesn't know yet. He stumbles on a... He stumbles on an Ava Adams video and he goes, what the hell? This comes to me... You can watch porn without Stewie Griffin in it? Just the lack of respect he has just scrolling through his phone looking through shit. Oh no, I know. Before he, we haven't played it yet, but he just keeps going.

He literally thinks it's like Patrice. I know, I know. He acts like he's going to steal something, like he's waiting for people to stop looking at him. God, I hate him so much. I know like I know he acts like he's going to steal something like he's waiting for people to stop looking at God I hate him so much. I kind of like him well He justifies a lot of things for you It would be funny for like that at the end like that being said that he's a very talented Go listen, you know not a fan of his comedy, but what he does to women Great stuff We go listen, you know, not a fan of his comedy, but what he does to women. Love that.

Great stuff. All right, here we go. Yeah. David Lucas on the mic, under the bright lights, and he's retarded. Ha ha ha ha. ["Davy Lucas on the Mic"] You're fucking with the druid, David Lucas.

Look, drinking David Lucas. And you know we on some other shit. Tell your mother, suck a dick. You went, but I love it. If you don't can't get enough of this. Drinking his drink. You know I ain't lying. If they think it, but won't say it's mine. What's up, Austin? Jesus. He's high out of his mind.

Jesus Christ. And he has, I think he just got out of bed, because he has a print on his forehead. No, he always has that. Oh, he does? I think so. I think he has. What is that? It's his...

Is he like one of those forceps babies where his head just got squished? And he just, he looks like black mold. I mean, let's be honest. Like... Yeah. It looks like you find this in your wall and you call somebody.

Guys... Halfway through the special, guys in hazmat suits kindmat suits, shut it all down. Shut this down. If you breathe around him you get mesothelioma. Yeah, have you or your loved ones come into contact with David Lucas at a live show? You might be entitled to compensation. Can I say? Sure. You know, I think the special is called I'm not a comedic historian.

I remember he this is called Uncancellable because he got cancelled because of jokes he made at the expense of George Floyd. George Floyd's family got mad at him. Yeah, you go on stage and you're like, fuck George Floyd. But it wasn't even really it was just a bad joke.

It wasn't even really a joke. It was just like, I'm glad he, he just sang a shocking thing. Yeah, yeah, sure. You'd be like, you gotta be able to go everywhere in comedy. You gotta be able to like, it's the same as what Patrice said, you know? It's that the thing is like,

I'm willing to be a hack in every area. There's nothing off limits to be suck ass at comedy about. But I support, it's like, all right, you wanna make jokes about George Floyd. Like sure, I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck. But then he said, he calls us uncancellable, but I'm pretty sure he got,

George Floyd's family reached out to him because people got mad, and then he talked to George Floyd's family and he was like, oh, I'm sorry. He apologized immediately. He went into damage control over it. Yeah, so he did apologize. So he is cancelable. And then he apologized and appeased people

Then he doesn't know what un means. Yeah, he doesn't know that it reverses the meaning see this uncancelled He's talking about his door dash order Yeah, cuz it's too it's too large too large yeah, they go if it's over 300 dollars You think you have to pay for it?, if you don't want it doesn't matter you ordered we had we had to bring a special car in you can't cancel this We had to get a Toyota Tacoma for your door dash order mm-hmm you want to call it no refunds yeah Awesome weird whoa I never He's like, whoa. He's like, whoa. Austin's weird. Whoa, I never heard that. Whoa.

That's my fucking motto, man. I've been dating a lot of white bitches since I've been in Austin. Hey! Uh-oh, it's the cadence of a joke that's coming. I believe he's just going to say something like, no, it ain't cool, then they all laugh. Yeah.

OK, let's see. Nah, hold on. The rhythms of comedy, Ben. Well, you're in our- You can learn a thing or two. All right, all right. I'm taking notes. Someone give me a yellow legal pad and a Bic pic. He'll say like, I hate that shit.

And then everyone be like, ha ha ha. Yeah. He said shit. Not because I want to, I just don't have a choice. There you go. Okay, let's break it down. What does that mean? What does he mean he doesn't have a choice to date,

to only date white women? He didn't think long enough about it. Why would a Mexican woman not date a giant fat black guy? Oh, I think it's because his joke is that white women. There's no black people in Austin. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't care where he's going. Why do they think that's funny? Oh, because these people should no, no, no, no, no. I don't care where he's going. Why do they think that's funny?

Oh, because these people should be gassed. I mean, who cares? I don't know. God knows. They might be, well, actually, I'm kind of seeing a bunch of undesirables. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, these people have ruined the construction company in Austin.

These people gave up on the Dallas Cowboys and now they're in the David Lucas. Yeah. They think he's a lineman. Yes. They're like, when's Jerry Jones coming out? But the meaning of the joke is that there's no black people in Austin, right? Which is also not true.

And I don't think he even gets into that. I think this joke is about how white women, you could see the bruises so you can't. But then that doesn't even make the setup. I don't get that though because 6th Street, it's like a fucking, it looks like a prison yard. It's crazy. That's why I was like, what does he mean?

There are black people. And by the way, we've actually thought about this joke longer than David Lucas has. He's told that hundreds of times. In writing it. Yeah, but he doesn't think about it. All right, here we go. The great David Lucas has in writing it. He's told it hundreds of times. Yeah, but he doesn't think about it. All right, here we go. The great David Lucas everything.

It's hard to date white women though. He doesn't even get into why he doesn't have a choice. That's what I'm saying. He doesn't even get into it. You can't really discipline them the way you want to. Damn. For real. Discipline them the way you want to For real it's like as soon as you put your hands around a neck they turn red it's the weirdest shit He says it's the weirdest shit that when you choke them it turns red like what's the premise is he's confused on like like biology or something Yeah, cuz black skin doesn't turn a different color

You know the whole thing with comedy when comedians used to get like canceled eventually and people be like it was right in front of us He was hiding in plain sight. They're not even hiding in plain sight anymore. He's just like he's like he's a criminal in plain sight He should be dressed like the Hamburg were on stage He's like, he's a criminal in plain sight. He's admitting to doing it, he shouts there about it. He should be dressed like the Hamburglar on stage. Now let's see. What are the comments? Well they're like, hey, shout out to Elephant Graveyard for sending me to the comments section on this video.

Like right here, came here from Elephant Graveyard to read comments, thank him for the engagement. There's a review on how bad the special is and it has more views than this actual special. Too cerebral for me. More like unsellable, that's a pretty good one. Brendan Schaub's got competition, and you know he's reading this shit, right?

I mean, he's gotta be aware of this. He's having somebody read it to him, yeah. Dictate it. He's copy-pasting it and then putting it into a text-to-speech app, like he's a foreigner. Yeah, he has to read with like the Stephen Hawking machine. Yeah. Were you going to leave the special, Ben?

What were you going to do? You're going to leave this greatness? No, no, Gavin, I would never disappoint you like that. I mean, it seemed like you were about to go to something else. Well, what is the next one you were going to do? All right, I got it. Oh, OK. I mean, you were deleting.

You were typing in a new thing, and I was just kind of. Oh, I was going gonna see how many views the Elephant Graveyard thing has, but it clearly has way more, right? New tab that. Yeah, yeah, new tab. New tab that. And then we'll come back to the comedy special.

All right, here we go. Elephant Graveyard, the great Elephant Graveyard. One of my new favorite upcoming comics. Oh, fuck. God, your keyboard sucks. Yeah, it keeps getting stuck, huh? Oh, god, your keyboard sucks. Yeah, it keeps getting stuck, huh? Oh, fuck, it just keeps getting. Elephant gravy.

It gets stuck on usually the N key, which is very strange. Yeah, that is strange. David. Well, you replace that every morning. You have a box of N keys that you plug in. It's like a pit stop for a NASCAR driver. Or I'm live streaming and replacing the N, I, the G. He has two.

So he has one about the special with 566,000 views and then he has another one two weeks ago with 644,000 about how his grift has reached its tragic end. This is the one moment in my life where I wish I wasn't podcasting right now so we can watch both I know like I'm itching to go upstairs and watch this yeah fuck the patreon actually this is the regular damn it oh sorry the regular this is a fucking regular we've already recorded the page I'm sorry yeah yeah we're putting this up Yes

Come on have some fucking Wish I had told that story about that guy then what guy the guy that his opener. It's fine. You apologized Yeah, that's right. It was in jest right People at home it was in jazz. I was joking about how I went really out of my way to not spend time with that guy Well, that's because you're a you're curmudgeon of sorts sure I Just hate bad comedy. Yeah, but you know you're you're a medic just new people too I just I I always like hated just driving up with people Yeah, you're doing like the new comic talk

We have to like go through you have to go through everything they talk on about in one Joe Rogan episode We have to talk about like crowd where yeah, you know heck lawyers. Okay. Well, let's see Should we just maybe try to watch this closer Devin? This is the most watched right here. Yeah go to that part right here My dig is never get hard about that bitch. Like you shouldn't have made the Me Too movement, you should have made the What About Me movement. Y'all get the fuck What About Me.

Ugly girls is wearing this hat sometimes, nigga. I feel like pretty girls are for a successful man. You know what I'm saying? Like when you get your degree or you get your business and you get to where you need to be, you get a pretty girl. Because in order to get to where you need to be, you need an ugly bitch. You need to wake up and just see ugliness.

Okay, so I'm gonna pause this real quick. He's fat as shit and he looks for trouble. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. He's got a lot of money. You need an ugly bitch. You need to wake up and just see ugliness. Okay, so I'm gonna pause this real quick. He's fat as shit and he looks retarded. Yeah, he looks like a fat retard.

He looks like one of the SpongeBob fish. He does. He looks like if a prider gets near him, he blows up and floats away. He looks like he's about to say, no pickles. Yeah, he's bubble-ass. Lift his tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's bubble-lipped his tongue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a fat, ugly guy.

Yeah. I think that's, and like I'm trying to be nice on this show. I'm trying to be. No, I know, that's what we do here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're the nice guys. Yeah. But like he's out there, he's acting like he should be with like super models or something.

And it's not only that, his insight completely matches the way he looks. If he was in the movie Shallow How, there'd be no difference from the beginning to the middle of the movie. All right, let's see. And what is that, it looks like somebody ironed him and went to go answer the phone and forgot about it.

Oh, they ironed him. On his fucking forehead. He put his clothes on and then they ironed him? No, I'm saying he has an ironing mark on his forehead, like a little fucking arrow. Oh yeah, he just has, yeah. That's just his face, Jase. Okay, sorry.

I think black people, Rosacea, they start to look like ravens. I'm pretty sure. It kind of looks like if you left toast in the oven. They start molting for really long. Well, you put toast in the oven sometimes as you're getting fancy You're making like Uncle Buck sandwich, you know, I'm making like Texas toast, okay that shit from HEB sure You know the Texas toast. I'm I know the Texas toast very well. All right back to making fun of this black guy What's his name again? David Lucas?

Lucas David Lucas And that's how much he hates black people is two white names two white names very interesting. Mm-hmm. Oh shit No coffee, it's six or tea There's no way I want wanna stay at home all day. You know, he's like John Coffee in The Green Mile if he made people worse. His magical power was to make everything worse.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like he walked up to you and he touched your body and then he spit out butterflies and then you had cancer in your liver. And that's David Lucas. Yeah, I don't. Tony Hitch goes like, kill Tony, murder John Coffee.

Come on out here. That's right guys, we're gonna execute John Coffee. Walking the lawn here boss changes gives two thumbs up as a gas And Shane's gonna flip the switch Hell yeah, dude, oh yeah. Oh, yeah, it's in that black buster down Yeah, Shane's pulling the switch. He has one arm behind the back. The fuck you pulling? Dude, John Coffee strapped to the electric chair and then the guys we saw at the Dave

Lucas show watching. Fat cholas with big beards. Those guys kick ass. They do kick ass yeah they they absolutely rule they have really bad facial hair that's really it's like well thought out yeah yeah but it sucks it sucks and you you look at them you go man they have the worst trucking job in America there's a really racist joke I want to say right now but I don't know. I don't think this is the time or place. They brought David Lucas here from Hack Island. Very good. Right?

Yeah, that's awesome. Am I right? It was worth it. It was worth it. Totally worth it. Devon Costa everybody. I wish I was drinking again. Why are you drinking on the show by the way?

I would love to see you go off and be crazy. I'm being, drinking again. Why are you drinking on the show by the way? I would love to see you go off and be crazy. I'm being, I feel like. You're very tame. You've only wished death on three or four people tonight. Ha ha ha ha ha. Devon's really holding back. Trying my hardest to get it back, you know.

We need you to pump those death threats up, buddy. Pump those numbers up. You need your hate juice. An ugly bitch will wake you up better than coffee, nigga, fuck Starbucks. Get you an ugly bitch. Ah, this sucks. I don't even text ugly bitches good morning.

I text them hoes good luck. They be like, for what? I be like, on your day, bitch, you gonna need it, yo ass. You look like fucking shit. Shut the fuck up. He's doing the whole joke about ugly people. He's ugly.

I would not fuck him. Yeah, dude he looks like he got fat in his forehead. Like it grew. Look at that shit. Yeah, his body's trying to make room. Look, look at that shit. Yeah. That's a good looking guy, he looks insane.

I don't know how to say this, but he just like he he looks and What the fuck is that? Why is there a picture of your ass? That was on OBS. It freeze-framed in a strange place. I swear that wasn't what it looked like. I accidentally exited out of YouTube Well my monitor doesn't fit so I can't see the X and the everything else Sorry, I was thinking of see yeah, that was straight click the tab It was just a picture of it bending over the table pretty but it doesn't know I also have live streams So OBS was stuck on some weird like me bending over Type thing sorry get very choked up shitting on black

It's really it's really Reminds you of granddaddy and how much he missed him. Yeah. It makes me think about home. Yeah. You're like, I wish he could just see this right now. I like to think if he were still alive, he would think I'm as racist as he was. I think if he was alive, he could be fourth mic on the show and he could chime in with all the words. I'm not brave enough to say, I know he'd be proud of the hate in my heart.

He'd be proud of how hate in my heart. You're like losing your voice. He'd be proud of how much I hate him too. He'd put his arm around me and he'd say, son, fuck him. He'd go, get him. Get him. Your dad's probably at the show. Just nodding.

Well, he's probably more awake than he was at my wedding. Do you remember my father at my wedding? Can you describe my father at my wedding? He looked like Jimmy Carter supporting Kamala Harris. He was like dead. At one point I was like cheering up, like my wife, the vows and everything, I look over and my father's asleep. He's nodding off in the front row. I've never seen somebody check a watch

with their eyes closed. He wanted to get the hell out of there. Yeah, what the fuck? And he did leave the reception early. I swear to God, literally you guys were walking down the aisle to like leave, and he almost like pushed you guys out of the way. I told him the wedding literally, you guys were walking down the aisle to like leave and he almost like pushed you guys out of the way.

I told him the wedding day and he goes, he texts me, he goes, man, I'm sorry. I don't know if I'm going to make it. We got regional track the day after. So I'm going to have to talk to my suit and see if I can get off. But if not, I'm sorry. By the way, he's not a track coach. He's just like, you know in high school when you're at a sporting thing

and there's like nine coaches that are just off to the side doing absolutely fuck all. No, he was literally like, Ben, I'm sorry, the coach's concession stand at the track meets too good. He would have loved to miss my wedding, by the way, and have everyone feel sorry for him. He would have fucking loved it. Sorry, they won't let me off

I miss my first son's I miss his wedding. Mm-hmm I wasn't my soup hates me my boss hates me. No one likes me Maybe that's why you gotta make a lot of money so you don't have to Pretend to miss your son's wedding Can y'all believe no one likes me can you wedding. Can y'all believe no one likes me? Like, no, that's crazy. What? That's so weird. Anyway, I'm saying, yeah, I'm sorry. You had to pretend to miss my wedding. He fell asleep at my fucking wedding. His first,

his first wedding as a dad, his first child's wedding, he fucking fell asleep. Mom should have booked. And it's a small wedding, maybe 50 people are there. Maybe. And he's second row. And we're all looking. No, he was in the front.

He was in the front. He was in the front row. It felt like he was in the second, yeah. That's how little he was there. I had never met your dad before. I kept asking people, I was like, who is that guy? Because he was the most obvious asshole there. I was like, what is this? There's a man nodding off.

Yeah, who's that guy with two ping pong balls with eyes painted on him at the wedding? At one point he goes, I'd ask him about Bitcoin. And he goes, we got no coin Which that's that's pretty good. Yeah, I like I'm crazy is funny. Yeah, he always tells people like now You know where they got their comedy from? It's from it's from it's from years of abuse and neglect. I'm pretty funny. Right funny looking Damn he's great, I love him. Dude, he honestly, every time I see him,

he's so locked in. He rules so much. I've never seen a man use a John Wayne movie to not spend time with his family. Better than my dad. Even when he comes and visits, he's outside. He lays like a lizard on a hot stone. And everyone's very confused

Devin saw him at the house last time I met up at your place He was doing like like Chinese exercises with like coyotes like in your backyard He does he does think exercise is getting burned yeah, he's like he's like I just laid on a piece of metal Yeah, he's like he's like I just laid on a piece of metal out of the lawn I'm burnt to shit hurt pretty bad. I'm hurting but it's good It's good for you as his skin is like sliding off of his arms The the skin is the strongest epidermis in the body. Yeah, you gotta get that vitamin D And if you don't get crispy, you don't get that vitamin D and if you don't get crispy you don't get that vitamin D We've seen him growing up. I'm like you's awesome. It's just, you know what, man? It's like, it's also like, God bless.

A lot of people are like, so they get so beaten down by the school system that it's just you know, it's a lot man. Yeah, it's a very Texas sports specifically incredibly toxic. Oh yeah. Horrible environment. I've like I remember parents like saying they were going to come down to the school with a gun and kill dad. Do you remember that shit like that for not like not playing is their daughter? Yeah, I remember that. I'll tell you after who but like yeah, you made remember that? Shit like that, if we're not like not playing as their daughter. I don't remember that. I'll tell you after who, but like, yeah you made some comments to him, like you better hope I don't like come down with a gun

to the school and stuff. And like I don't know why you didn't call the police, but it's just like country boy, you know, country bump. So your dad purposely kept not playing that girl, hoping that you would get killed in the middle of the game. He's like, oh, just here turning my back to everybody. Just going to stand like this for 45 minutes. He has a big target on his back.

He walks in with blinders on. It's like when Jesse James got killed. He's like, I think I might go. That picture looks a little dusty. Yeah, just sashay over to the picture of Michael Jordan holding two basketballs In our gym and just dust it Picture looks awful dusty. Oh now would you say your daddy does he's a hit man? You're sitting the bench all season young lady You ain't stepping on the court. You say he's a hit man. He's pretty good. You ain't playing a lick. He ain't playing a lick this season.

Well, he also, I think part of the problem was he's a, he is a very good coach. I actually respect his coaching a lot. I have so much imagine matter admiration for him. And then, yeah, he, uh, he has no tax. So these parents would come up and I'm as basically a great man. Yeah. I'm basically assuming they'd be like, why does daughter not get playing time and he would just go she's bad She's really bad at it. Nobody likes her and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, he's awesome like that I have so much respect for him like Like the amount of hate he got and he just never back down like yelling

I saw him get thrown out of gyms of like, you know, like 800 people him just screaming Oh, yeah thrown out of gyms of like you know like 800 people him just screaming oh yeah screaming out of ref that you know they should like take their own life yeah I heard and it's just it's quiet it goes that quiet yeah I don't know if you've been in a gym like that it was dead quiet you can hear the whole fight it's awesome like a small high school gym I fucking love like the parents confronting like it's great coach referee fighting the coach in a small environment. Oh, it's amazing.

Not a matter. You would always fight the parents. You're 6'5". I fucking love confrontation at things like that. You go, woo! I used to go to the Drew League out, it's like in Compton, it's like NBA players show up and just a bunch of other guys that just,

they'd never made it and so they're in gangs and shit. And the game would go, and the game was in a in a in a big game and like there was like a blood and a Crip on whatever a big gang brawl it like goes out in the middle of the game and then an old black man like like ascended down from some place that I didn't see him at and he came out and grabbed the mic and he's like, no gang banging. He goes, y'all better leave if you gang banging here. I'm just in the crowd like, this rules. Did he have the suspenders in the whole thing? Oh, he was like a boondocks character.

It was awesome. Oh, so he's an old head. He was an old head. Oh, damn. Yeah, there was a boondocks character. It was awesome. Oh, so he's an old head. He was an old head. Oh, damn. Yeah, there was a big fight. The game was like threatening a man's life. Now, why do you think that is? What do you mean?

The fight. Because there was gang shit happening. People were gang banging. Yeah. Oh, they were like, we're in a gang. It's a couple NBA players just getting a runin in the summer and then the rest of the guys They're like like fucking yeah, and reyes dude. Yes selling

Bow up on him Dudes in the crowd like like coming on to the court. Wait, are you with your mom in this situation? No, no, I would go with Jack. Oh, really? I thought when you were a little kid, I'm like, who let you go when you were a child? No, no, I was like 22. You're like a little, you're a 300 pound eight year old watching this drinking cherry coke.

The funny thing is, there's little white kids in the stands just like eating popcorn and there's an old black man like, no gang banging here tonight, youngins! Well, that was- There's like, legit, like, murderers. There's dudes in the court, like, reaching into their waistband. Like...

I don't know if Ben remembers that. That was our life until we were about eight, because my dad only coached black high schools until we were eight, and so we'd just be... We'd just be watching my dad's game, and just like guys in durags would come up and be like, what's up you little fat? Like three black dudes in durags like throwing popcorn at me I mean I catch the popcorn fat and words, dude There's nothing better than being four and a black guy calling you as a little n-word. Yeah, it's the best

It really it just pumps you up. I played for a black coach who, he almost made it through the league. He was on the New Jersey Nets practice squad. And I was chubby. So he made us, in a practice, do a shirts and skins game. And he made me do skins.

And I took my shirt off, cause I can kind of hide it with like big shirts. So I took my shirt off. And he goes, I had like tits and he was like, we got some chubby N words out here today y'all. And I never forgot it. Did it hurt? Oh it killed me.

I tried so hard. I was like taking charges and shit, staring him down. I was like, you're the chubby end one. I was like, you're the chubby end one. I was like, you're the chubby end one. Damn dude. Yeah, I'll never forget that moment. You should have came back at him.

Yeah. In that moment, you should have stood up for yourself. I mean, I- You should have bowed up on him. I was just like, I was like, in my mind I was like, if you're gonna make it to the league, you gotta take shots. I was like, I love that guy actually it to the league, you gotta take shot. I love that guy actually. You channeled like Marshall Mathers.

Yeah, yeah. Trying to bow up to this guy. There was this black dude on my dad's team growing up and my dad asked, he goes, hey, what's that one kid's name? Which my dad has like, it's a school of like 11 people. He's forgetting one kid's name. He's like, hey, what's that one kid's name? Which my dad has like, it's a school of like 11 people. He's forgetting one kid's name. He's like, hey, what's that one kid's name? Because they'd all make fun of him.

And my dad would drive the school bus, right? And they go, oh, his name's Shafeed. And my dad thinking he's just a black guy. They goes, oh yeah, that's just, their names are insane. His dad's name's definitely Shafeed. Your dad drove the school bus of the all black team. So the first ten rows were empty. Yeah.

He forced them way back. They were on top of each other in the back. He goes, last two rows. And then my fat white children sit in the front. You were the front playing Game Boy Color. Yeah, yeah. We're playing Three Stooges on the Game Boy. Playing a segregated Game Boy.

So he always called him, he's like, hey, Shatheed, come over here. And he goes, I was laughing. He goes, why are you guys laughing? And then one day he was like having to write their names down on a clipboard and he wrote down He's like alright shit feed and then he wrote it down. He realized it said shit head Yeah, so they just fucked with them. They're just fucking with my dad The for I think like four years he just goes. Yeah, he's just black They're always named something insane. It's like this Literally like mo from like the Simpsons

Orangelo Do you know rangelo here dude one time in in Clarendon that told me he was up in the panhandle He was like y'all he was like y'all he'd like eight players They're all they're all pretty much a lot of them ended up in prison or like really bad shit. People get into nefarious things up there. It was like a violent high school. Yeah. There's like eight of them he's like y'all better be here at like you know 7 a.m. because he found out there was gonna be a big party that night and he got him before he's like I need y'all to just come to the locker room after class he's like y'all better not go to that party because you better be up at the

school at 630 we have to play you know whatever San Angelo at whatever time or it's much smaller school obviously San Angeles huge like five a he goes so y'all better be here at 630 in the parking lot, bright and early, do not go to this party. And sure enough, they all went to the party. He gets in the bus at 630, 645, no one's there, 650, 655, he's like, so he just, he's like, I'm not missing this. He realizes he could still make it

to about the time the game starts, if he leaves in about 25 minutes. He starts booking it through town and stops at all eight of their houses, gets out, it's actually kind of an inspiring, awesome story, gets out of the school bus, bangs on their door, and like the mom answers, he goes in, he's like, I need Jared, he would go in there

and like drag him out of bed, he's like, get up, get dressed, put on your shoes, you're playing, you're playing now, and they're like, yes coach, yes coach. He did it to every single player and got them to the game They ran out of the bus onto the court and like they did tip off and went Wow, and he said they won Yeah, but that's like that's like kind of I'm like that's that's the coolest story I've ever heard He told me that recently. I'm like that's inspiring as hell. It's like it your dad does like it's like a Disney Channel original movie Yeah, dad did that. Yeah. Your dad did that? It's like a Disney Channel original movie. Your dad did that?

Yeah, my dad did that for them. A lot of them ended up in prison for killing people or drugs or whatever. He only did that because the only people that were on the bus on time were white. And he was like, we need to win this game. I'm gonna lose my fucking job. He looked at the review.

There's 10 white people on the bus. He's like, ah, damn it. He's like, all right, everybody, we're going to the south side of town. Come on, wake up, Jamal. tomorrow wipe the blood ash out of your eyes we're going as we're going south of the train tracks right now boys we're going to the tower folks we're gonna get like ten kids there no our dad was well that's very cool story it's actually awesome right yeah my dad rolls no he was like

coach Carter but if every kid I failed in life immediately after playing for him, but it was pretty cool Well, this the only order was like being on the team and then when you know, oh, yeah, just immediate He still sometimes gets he's told me he'll still like once a year. There'll be a guy who's like In prison or just got out who I calls and was like, thank you coach You're the only you know guy who's nice in prison or just got out who like calls him and was like, thank you coach, you're the only guy who's nice to me. That's cool. Yeah. I was watching YouTube once and he was over

and he goes, oh man, he goes, that's actually, that was one of my best players. He said he goes, a ferocious guy, like he could block out like no other super like, he was a great player, you know, because he hurt people on the court. He's like, I go, this guy right here, he goes, yeah, he goes, David Lucas. I go, really? He goes, yeah, he's one of the best players I ever saw. And he goes, oh, wait, I'm looking at the basketball.

Sorry, my eyes ain't what they used to be. Yeah, you should. Fellow David Lucas, he wanted to play on the women to be. Yeah, you should tell a David Lucas, he wanted to play on the women's team. Beat the shit out of them. He's looking at David Lucas, he goes, what happened to the Spalding tattoo across the, what happened to the, there was a Wilson or a, the hell?

Yeah, he's trying to shove a bike pump up his ass. He's looking a little flat. Little flat and lumpy. Listen, I would like to officially, because we're gonna get a lot of shit for this, because, you know, look where the little fish, Austin and the whole Rogan crew, they're the big fish. We know what happens to the little fish.

Little fish get eaten by the big fish and the big fish become bigger. This is what it little fish little fish get eaten by the big fish and the big fish become Bigger is what it is. I'd like to apologize to David Lucas. I want to apologize to the comedy mothership I want to apologize to Casey rocket. I and I I would like to apologize to everyone who buys tickets at the comedy mothership I'm sorry Yes, my condolences my condolences, but godspeed It's one of those things where it's like that you become so big though You're kind of like you become like fair game like like you're not real like they are real

Yeah But they're not like celebrities like you're gonna talk shit about Ben Affleck because you're like who gives he's not even a real person To me like yeah, like you're in the water. They're on the front of the magazines at the grocery These guys are obviously aren't that famous like but they're pretty big We're recording in like a little like closet. Yeah, we caught a mouse up. So I mean we're Pretty crazy. I saved a mouse We immediately freaked out started screaming and shit. Yeah, you guys have never seen me care about another human being that much crazy Yeah, you really had a lot of empathy in that moment that little mouse was squeaking

I wasn't gonna let him die and I took him outside and freed him. Yeah. Yeah, he was in a little glue trap. Yeah Yeah, I saved him. Yeah Yeah, he was he was like me at the DC show backstage You got caught in that mouse trap. All those fucking rat traps. I was caught in two rat traps. That incompetent owner set up. Yeah, it was a nightmare. I say you kind of freaked out like a lady. Kind of like a little bitch.

And I think you just sat there. I was like, you know what? They seem to have it under control. Don't think you moved once. No, no. Here's what I actually did. Here's the brilliance of me. As soon as you guys had already designated your roles in the situation, I followed outside to pretend. I was At one point I pulled out my phone and turn my light on and I go well I've done my yes, and jace kept the backseat driving me. Yes, be careful. It's gonna bite

He was the guy that went everyone's like lifting a dresser. He's like kind of has his finger on it He's like yeah But also being very bossy about my like you guys we got it. We gotta angle it And then I actually step out from even holding it and I'm just I'm acting like I'm the orchestrating the move Yeah, no, that's my thing. Well folks. I think that's uh, that was a That was a bit of a fastball of an episode. I think we wrap it up there. What do you guys say? Yeah, you feeling good. I liked it. We good. We good. We good. Just an episode. I think we wrap it up there. What do you guys say? Yeah, you feeling good? I liked it. We good. We good. We good. We good. Hey, we good. We good. We doing this really

Comes come see me in Austin everybody at the Velveeta room October 10th, it's a Thursday. So that's this week. You should have David Lucas on I think lemon party fans would actually love David Oh, he's there all the time. He thinks it's a mac and cheese factory. Yeah, he's waiting in line outside. He's like, when is the motherfucking open? Shit. All the barbecue places.

Everybody waiting in line in this motherfucker. I gotta buy a ticket to eat mac and cheese Yeah, you think the comedians are the chefs yeah Yeah, I'm at the little Vita room the creek in the cave didn't work out for some reason very strange very bizarre I don't know what happened there So I wonder what could have happened there. I can't I'm a fucking retard and I can't piece two and two together So I really have no idea May never know yeah, well fuck them. So whatever I'm at the Velveeta room. What are you gonna do? Don't stop me now, or what is it? I keep listening to the chumbo wumba

I get knocked down, but I get up again. Yeah, and you never gonna get me You know that is David Lucas's girlfriend Her name was chumbo one She was an inspiration for tub thumping yeah, that was her name chubba wubba tum thumping she was from Senegal I Get I didn't know the song was called tub thumping. Yeah by jumbo wumba chumbo wumba chumbo. Yeah was called tub thumping yeah by jumbo wumba jumbo wumba jumbo wumba yeah I get no yeah but I get it up again you never gonna keep me down actually like I was on the 101 today and I was like I was put my hand up like this I was like oh yeah I was like that is that is like it's great it's a great message there's

a great cover by they might be Giants of tub thumping I gotta show you oh I kind of want to listen to that right now. It's very good. You can put it on if you want. It's on YouTube only. It'd be copyrighted. Well, this is obviously the Patreon thing. No, no, no, no, no. I feel bad and a bru and he's gonna make this public.

Sorry, this is what it is. I'm pulling an audible. I do it quite often. Ask Connor McNutt, it happens. Wait, what? Oh, the comedy shows? Oh yeah. But me and Connor are gonna try to do another show

at the end of October. We're gonna see if... Ooh, spooky. Yeah. Cause when I come back from Austin, we're gonna try, so look out for that. We're gonna do it at Moe's Place. Okay.

Which is a private place. We do BYOB. It should be a fun, wild show. It'll be more of a communal thing. Connor will book the comedians because if it was up to me, no one would be on the show. Yeah, Connor will book the comedians, the same three that we've seen on every single show.

And they'll do the exact same set. Because there's only. Despite what we tell them. Because there's three comics that we like. So come on out. Well, except Matt Laughlin, Matt will just fuck in. Yeah. Logan's great too, though.

No, I wasn't shitting on their comedy, I'm just saying. No, you were. We don't like anybody else but them, so they'll be on the show. No, we'll have a fucking, we'll have big, I'll text Santino. Okay. And, um.

He won't do it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! But you can show the message you sent and then the non-reply that you got. Yeah, that's right. At the show. No, we talk about golf. Oh, you talk about golf?

Yeah, yeah. right. At the show. No, we talk about golf. Oh, you talk about golf? Yeah, yeah. Oh, nice. Anyway. It's not like I'm excommunicated. No. Yeah. Is it that I'm a pariah? No.

Well, you couldn't get a show at the fifth biggest venue in Austin. It seems someone was, there's things behind the scenes happening. Sure, sure, it seems someone was there. There's things behind the scenes happening. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. But who's to say, really? It's really impossible to know because, you know, I assume the best in everybody.

And even when it comes to Mr. Lucas, we all have, if I could be his lawyer representing him in court, who amongst us doesn't have moments that we wouldn't want broadcasted. Now, David has those moments, he willfully broadcast to other people. Himself, to hundreds of thousands of people. But most of us wouldn't want that to happen because we actually feel bad about the things we've done.

But I don't think I've done anything anywhere near as bad as choking a woman until she passes out. I don't think I've done. Yeah, well you know, glass houses bud. One time when I was 16, I went on a megal, a megal. And there was this guy from Alaska and he's like, Hi, my name's John. What's yours? And he was like a 30 year old, like, losery kind of guy. Why didn't realize at the time and I was like, I was talking about me, I baited him for like two minutes

with my friend and I was like, by the way, you're, you're a loser and you should take your own life. I started laughing really hard and I ended it. And my friend, why did you do that? And I go, I don't know, I feel so bad now. Oh my God, and I felt bad about it for two years. And then I found out what a pedophile was. I go, that's what that guy was. That's what that guy was.

He was getting hard and then I told him to kill himself. That was awesome of me. And he probably busted so hard at that. Oh yeah. Ah! Ah! He goes, a kid I was trying to rape told me to kill myself. And he probably busted so hard at that Because a kid I was trying to rape told me to kill myself Can you believe little does he know that's why I'm on the internet. I know I walked up to you and I said hey We're gonna make a career this one day Yeah, you pat me on the back me out and pat my you don't know 25 years from now

We're gonna make a little bit of money doing this All right patreon.com slash lemon party I think we butter chicken on that episode and pizza not really you guys didn't join in you guys were fucking party poopers about it But we do a really we do a great long app on the on the page that's pretty good and Fuck we had some good stuff on that app.'s coming out. So sign up for the Patreon. Yeah, the Shaq was very good. I've liked both of these a lot.

But in closing, I just wanna ask either of you if you would like to apologize. About who? To who? To the people we disparaged. Oh, sure. Yeah. Would you like to take it all back? No? Yeah, but I'm sorry yeah, also

obligatory We're just kidding. I'll say sorry for taking in what people give us and then accurately saying what it is I don't yeah, what am I supposed to like what am I supposed to like be blind? Yeah? I mean you're supposed to say this is the role in comedy You say everyone's great. Everyone's great and everyone's a killer. Everyone's a great guy. Yeah, everyone's Everyone's it is the best. Yes The best or everyone's like the nicest guy except Alan the nicest Would you like to wrap up with that story? Oh, yeah, wait, you do not want no no no, I want to tell this story rules so this is just I just figured out this week

I was talking to a friend and their cousin used to work on Ellen DeGeneres and that cousin is black and Apparently Ellen DeGeneres would just call them like the n-word from time to time hard are hard are n-word and like basically the person would bring them a sandwich and now would be like, can you believe this inward dude brought me that sandwich? And then that person now works for the NFL and says it is an incredible working environment compared to working on Ellen. Says it's like the nicest people in the world.

And she's not getting called hard or inward. Which is better. By a vicious dyke. Yeah, yeah, like she's like Ray Rice and Michael Vick are walking up to her and she's not getting called hard or N-word. Which is better. By a vicious dyke. Yeah, yeah, like she's, you know, like Ray Rice and Michael Vick are walking up to her and she's like, oh, it's so much better than being around that horrible lesbian. Yeah, well, she is a monstrous dyke.

Yeah, it is what it is. I mean, you know, hurt people hurt people, I guess. She grew up gay, so maybe people were being hurt. Her dad sexually abused her, I think. Really? I believe so. Yeah. And he had horrible taste. Yeah, I call her Ellen degenerate. Yeah, her dad was gay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy, she just would throw a hard R. Hard R. Yeah, it's wild. And in front of her, too.

And now she'll like, at the end of her show She would play like go fish with Jimmy Fallon. Mm-hmm. They would do like patty cake on the couch She said this is all making me really she definitely had twitch killed. Oh, I'm her DJ Yeah, definitely her black DJ that guy didn't just go to a hotel room and shoot himself, dude There could have been or unless you just been called the n-word so much. Yeah that he had to take his own life He yeah, I wonder if that is the way he went out. Maybe he had a slight to her and then she had him killed. Maybe he had some sort of rights to the show that he bargained for that he would get paid out

in perpetuity and if he died and then it would go to Ellen or something, who knows? Yeah, I fully believe. Something insane? Possibly, or he was black and she hates black people could be that could be that yeah killed him I could maybe let's not jump to conclusions Wait Ellen killed twitch. Yeah, Ellen. You can print it Ellen killed twitch. Yeah rest in peace to that man

All right. Well, that's the episode then God bless everybody. Thank you for listening and tuning in limit party dot life. I think Jay said we have some more t-shirts available Yeah, we got we got more t-shirts available. We just ordered a bunch more So everything ordered should be getting sent out Within the next couple days of this recording and then if you want to order more, they're available. And we have, we physically have them, so we can send them out quick.

Six and a half ounce LA apparel, the nice stuff. The heavy shirts. Great. Hey, Devin, show them the shirt. Yeah. Feels great. Great stuff. Look at that, it's the very good

and the Yeezus style with the lemon. I wore the anime shirt in front of a Chinese woman the other day, and she laughed because she could read the Chinese on It let them see it. Is it Chinese or Japanese? I don't I forgot. I don't care enough to remember Your flag if you did care then you could remember if I cared at all If I cared right now it would pop back into my head. But I simply can't be bothered.

No, you can't. No. No, you're much too tired. If you pointed a gun at my mom and said, is it Chinese or Japanese? I go, eh. I'm much too tired to respect your race today, man. I have not had my coffee yet.

But she thought it was funny. And she thought it was translated bad, and I had to explain that I translated it bad on purpose, because that's funny. We're trying to sound like you. Yeah. So it's actually appropriate. Yeah, exactly.

It's not misrepresenting your culture. As I said, a Chinese or Japanese or something else woman laughed at it, so I think it's appropriate. And other. Or another. Check box other. Just one of those areas. She liked it.

Not white, Mexican or black. And I think I'm not kidding. I said to her like oh yeah I know it's in, I think I said like oh yeah I know it's, I translated from Chinese and she said it's Japanese actually. And I might go I don't, stop fucking talking. You stupid bitch. Wait, you should know that because isn't Japanese

the one that's vertical? Or is it? It all looks the same to me, honestly. Like them. Getting, getting, I don't give a shit. Well, whatever. We're uncancellable. We're uncancellable. We're uncancellable, baby.

I think that's what we learned here. We're all uncancellable. And you're gonna become best friends with David Lucas. Down in Austin. Do you think if a white guy told a story about choking a woman out on a podcast till she went unconscious and then came back alive, do you think a white guy gets away with that?

Do you think Jeremiah Watkins gets away with that story? You think Tony gets away with that story? No, liberal Twitter would have a field day with it because it would be fair game to go after the white guy, but since it's a black dude, they're all like, they don't know any better. Well, if they burn someone at the stake, if they burn a white person at the stake, it's a witch hunt. If black people burn someone at the state if they burn like a white person at the stake

It's a witch hunt to black people burst someone at the stake. That's a cookout. Yeah, think about how good David Lucas would smell yeah being burned at the stag It'd be like a food. It'd be like a nice foie gras It'd be like getting rid of a poltergeist in your house. You light him on, you kind of set him on flame. You just wave him like incense from room to room. He goes, is that veal? Veal and rosemary? It's so nice.

Mm, that smells delightful. He's a Yankee candle. Yeah, you figure out there's a smaller black guy stuffed inside of him. Like a turducken. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, we better get out of here and leave the people to it. Come see me in Austin this week on a Thursday at the Vavita and

patreon.com slash lemon party. See everybody. Bye. I'm sorry. I was in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in roses cantina, Music would play and Polina would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina, Wicked and evil while casting a spell. I love was deep o'er this Mexican lane. I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a while young Calmore came in, wild as the West Texas wind.