lemonparty - 134: A Courtship of Rivals

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

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As you might know, we're going on the endless summer tour this summer. We're going to be in Los Angeles, June 7th of the 8th, San Diego, June 22nd, Seattle, July 23rd, Portland, July 24th, San Francisco to be announced because we got dropped from the venue because of woke. I'm changing the color of the light to make watch time go up. Damn, I love that. Wow. What color is it going to be next? So go to Lemonparty.life.

It'll have links to the tickets. LA's almost sold out, San Diego's almost sold out. I think Portland and Seattle are going quick. So get there, get a ticket, and you can see us live on tour this June and July. So go to the San Diego show. It'll be right by where I'm living, so I'll just drive 12 minutes to the show,

which will be great. It's gonna be a crazy-ass show. It's gonna be a crazy show. I got all types of gags planned. Fucking wild. We got goofs, we got gags, and we will be doing our meet and greets. So that's it.

Get the tickets. Oh, we got posters there, too. And maybe sticks. I found some sticks. Sticks? Stickers. Oh, we got posters there too. It may be sticks. I found some sticks sticks stickers Stickers. Yeah, like people stacks Like Thurman Merman, yeah You made this Yes, so go buy your tickets and we will see you on tour yeah Ben Avery dot live to you can get him as well

So you can get them at I put the dates there as well. You can get them at Ben Avery dot live I love the show. Where is it? Our women party dot life? Where is it? The both of those love the tour? Where is it? I it's in Portland and Seattle and Los Angeles and San Diego and maybe San Francisco But it also will eventually be if you listen to this later, it will eventually be in Denver. It will be in Phoenix. It will be in Detroit. It will be in Cleveland and Dallas and. But not yet, because we haven't booked those dates.

But where is it? Where is it? So go get those tickets. Cheese. Cheese. We all have each other's microphones. Always in my face, talking listening. Girl, I had the best of these, but it can't make you angry. Do we all have each other's microphones? Yeah, yeah. We all, we somehow, every one of us had the wrong microphone.

Well, I still don't even know where mine is. You don't have one. Good boy, good boy. Is it under the bag? Good boy. I mean, the mic's in the, it's in the room. It's right there, you dumb fuck. Oh, it's in the room. It's right there you dumb fuck We've been doing this it's on the stand okay, that was the cold open yeah, you'll have a podcasting for nine years

Yeah, you truly do you truly are a sleepy dad right now your sleepy dad bozo You truly do you truly are a sleepy dad right now. Look at your sleepy dad Bozo It was it was yeah, where are my keys Yeah, we'll fix it You can adjust it I gotta do my live stream from here on Wednesday if that's okay with you That's fine. I got the in-laws in town. I think I get the shit. Thank God get over here You get oh get over here. Yeah Anybody now just at Ben's house. He's got the he's got the really nice and wasn't yeah So Ben will be saying the in-laws are in town for the next 18 years

Can I have the in-laws are in town can I come to the live stream? Yeah, I sleep here Do you mind yeah, do you want my sleep here for the I? Can I? Yeah, do you mind if I sleep here for the next like six to nine months? What if I live here for the next like 17 years? No, me and the wife are doing great. I'm gonna move out and never see her again. But we're doing great. It doesn't feel like your home when family's there.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. No in-laws, no in-bombs. It was kind of a, well well you can drop plenty in bombs That's fine, but no it was crazy because I was over there today and Then when I just forget when you have to make a pleasant conversation with a very nice person who's not like us I'm just like I can't yeah

I've had a rough time with that. I did yeah, I caught myself talking to your mother-in-law and she's very sweet, but I was kind of like, I did notice myself just kind of staring straight ahead for five minutes and I was like, oh, I have to ask a question now. It's been very bizarre since we've started this little empire of ours. Right.

That's what we call it. Yeah, that's what we always refer to as. On my LinkedIn, it says, Our empire. It says the empire business. Yeah. It's the. No, but like since doing the podcast like all the time

and becoming like a real thing and all that, it's been, I used to mingle and mesh very well. Very well. With normies and I was a hit with bores. People really liked you. Incredibly boring people loved me, I could fit in. And then as time went on, and I started having a little more autocracy.

Yep. And... Autonomy. Autonomy. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you, Ben. I haven't read a book. Your world started shrinking a little bit.

Yes, and something happened where I was, I started looking at people and I go, I don't need to do this anymore. I don't care. I used to get something out of really swindling you into liking me, but now I'm like, you could easily look into me and hate my guts. I did that this weekend.

I went to Vince's Deli in Pasadena, and halfway through checking out, I was like, man, I'm really not doing a good job. Like, you're great, you're like, I'm kind of blowing this interaction right now. The guy thinks I'm retarded. And then I walked to the Starbucks, I'm like, I have to make up for that,

so I was being really sweet to the cashier and she really liked me and then halfway through, I was like, you keep talking to me, I don't wanna keep doing this. We've been doing it for three minutes, you have to stop now. And I walked away from her. I was even trying to have, I made a nice roast.

You did make a nice roast. With gravy. It was very good. I drank it. Mm-hmm. We all drank it. I drank the roast. Mm-hmm.

Is that the new Slurpee at 7-Eleven is gravy? You can add your own cornstarch at the end to thicken it to your own desire. Yeah, it's the handle with the big turkey next to it that you pull on. Big turkey bone? Yeah, big turkey bone. Everybody keeps stealing the bone.

Yeah, you're like, can I have the gravy draft, please? I love pulling handles. Toilets, slurpees. Dicks. Yep, big hard dicks. Big hard cocks. I was horrifying your girlfriend though, cause I made everybody roast.

You did. She refused the roast. And then I was just talking about like Hitler and like menstrual shows and stuff. And she was like, what is wrong with you? And I'm like, I'm being, I want to be like, bitch, I'm being like, you were, you were doing this? I'm being tame right now.

No, no, no. I could say he was, my girlfriend was holding his baby and she just, not every girlfriend is like your wife. A three day old baby. Yeah, no, no. I could say, it was my girlfriend was holding his baby, and she just, not every girlfriend is like your wife. A three day old baby. Yeah, not every girlfriend is like your wife, where she'll just point at the N-word and laugh at it. Yeah. But she has a sense of humor,

but I have to be a little subtle about it. And she was holding the baby, I think it was the juxtaposition that you walked over and you put a picture frame of Inch from her face and goes, this is a drawing of a menstrual show I got at an auction auction at an estate sale. And it was big red lips playing the bad joke. And then she was kind of like,

she wasn't trying to be rude. Then you go, the guy had a big Hitler room. I didn't get into Hitler stuff, but I got the menstrual stuff. My favorite thing is when Ben doesn't realize how ridiculous he's being. He goes, Katie, where is that mine come? You asked for help.

I was staring at him like Tom Tibbado. I was like, what are you thinking? I go, that's not a shot you shoot. When do you practice that shot? Before this you told me that a glass of water can kill a baby. I'm like, it's something you should know. You really are all offense.

No defense whatsoever. It's a real blitzkrieg offense. What does that even mean? It means you don't think about your image whatsoever or making it comfortable for people or them knowing you or pretending who they know. You don't even trick people into thinking they know a certain type of person.

You're a brick, and I love this about you, you're a brick thrown through the window of a home and that's a Jewish home because they just moved into your neighborhood. Yep, you are. Yeah. My brick budget's through the roof this month. Yeah, it was pretty funny, you were literally being like,

everybody bought the Hitler stuff, so I couldn't get the Hitler stuff. No, a guy came into the room at the estate sale, he goes, shit, did someone buy all the Nazi helmets? And they go, yeah, a guy came yesterday and cleaned us out, he's like, fuck, he's like, I was hoping they'd be half off today. Some black guy in post-apocalyptic gear came in last

Yesterday with his wife with her tits out and bought all the Nazi stuff Yeah, yeah, he was doing Dressed in a fishnet dress and he was doing nitrous. He called me a Jewish n-word. I didn't understand He's competing with you You think so he calls he calls you out like a wrestler He called me a Jewish N-word. I didn't understand it. He's competing with you. You think so? He calls you out like a wrestler. Yeah, you guys are going band for band, but it's a Nazi armband.

You're doing the thing with the cash down the hall with Nazi armbands. I kind of look at life like I'm losing. Yeah. So I kind of, it's kind of like if you went into the fourth quarter of a game and you were down 80 Right, you wouldn't really you'd be like, all right. This is this is me. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? I'm shooting from half court That's what I'm saying. I'm trying to do alley-oop. You're the best show on earth. You're fucking the Rams in 2001 Yeah, yeah air attack your Kurt Warner yeah best show on earth I kind of expect to lose I kind of have always expected that like to

lose and then if I win so you play into it well no I don't think I've played into I just my whole life I've lost I've been on losing teams yeah I've always kind of been like a loser like the third right never really got over that one Me I was on baseball teams where we lost every single game. I was on football teams We lost every single game like zero for 18 One time we won in in eighth grade We won the football game. You know what I did. It was the one game. I ever won leg. You do you said crosses on fire? I thought it was the one game I ever won legi. Do you set crosses on fire front of everyone's home?

Yeah In Texas you kick field goals between two crosses on fire So the celebration that was like the late that was like the Lakers for it. I was like the Knicks winning I That was like the Lakers parade. That was like the Knicks winning. That's so funny. I cried like a baby. And this is pre-pubescent Ben, so I'm like four foot tall. You were.

You were tiny. I didn't grow until junior year of high school. You looked like Chicken Jockey on the football field. I did. I was a little Chicken Jockey. You were tiny, yeah. I started crying. And the coach was like, well, why are you crying?

I'm like cuz I just I've never won and I What and I think I scored a touchdown that game too. So I contributed to the win Yeah, I was a the cornerback or whatever. So I like I intercepted something and did a thing nice Ran it like a corner back. That's nice. Yeah, I was somehow the quickest White corner bag, that's nice. Yeah, I was somehow the quickest one on the team. It's nothing but white people, yeah. Okay. Every district had one black guy that we called Jesus.

The Jesus of football. He could fly. Yeah, he just flew. We thought he was flying over people, but it's just he could run a 4.940. If you got that black guy that already hit puberty in middle school football, it was like Neo versus all the agents.

We talked about him like it was a myth. I remember we were like, dude that black guy from Bangs, Texas, I'm like that guy's so fucking fast. Yeah, they were celebrities. I was, this is how bad it was, I was a cornerback. They were like, damn that Avery boy, quick. We call him the best suggestion.

He's a speed demon. That's white lightning. Look at the way that boy runs like he got a turd hanging out of his ass. I love the way he squeezes butt cheeks when he runs. That's the quickest damn, that's the quickest boy I've ever seen. Look at him run like there's a pipe in his ass.

Look at the way he bends his knees when he moves. I was not much better. I do remember I didn't know how to bend my knees when running until I was like 20 years old. So if you look at old basketball tape, it looks like I'm high stepping down the court. Like I'm Deshaun Jackson about to score a touchdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're taunting. You're always in taunt mode.

I was always in taunt mode. I was just like fucking moving giant beams Back and forth as quickly as I could I do want to say though real quick just yeah I did also then go outside and I talked to your girlfriend About the dead mouse in the pool and I talked about a hawk I saw that killed a bird in my backyard and we talked about hawks and birds So like I'm only capable of really talking about stuff. That's what I'm saying.

You went, if that's a football game, your quarterback, you went 24 for 48, five touchdowns, five interceptions, which is pretty good. But I only know how to run a certain play. I don't know how to change for the teams, you know what I mean? It's just like, hail Mary, hail Mary, hail Mary.

No, I got three, four plays. I don't know how to talk to people regularly. I wasn't upset. I thought it was funny. I literally pointed at her face, just how shocked she was at what you said. She was kind of aghast at me. Yeah.

And I was like, Jason's getting an earful on the way home for dinner. No, I'm not getting an earful. You don't think so? If she's getting an earful, she's getting fired to the pussy. Hey guys, Lucy's home. Lucy, the greatest supplier of nicotine products is here to help you with your nicotine fix.

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No, but for real, do you beat her up? I beat that shit up a little bit. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up.

I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up.

I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up.

I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. I beat that shit up. Yep. That is so funny. Butt of a gun, big shoe. I take a phone book, slap across the back. Rolled up newspaper. Leaves a big square mark on the back. But I beat that shit up. What I do, I put a coat hanger on the stove for like two and a half hours.

I push it in the ass cheeks like shhh. I beat that shit up. I just, I don't know how to talk to, yeah I guess. Do you know what's happening when you're acting that way? No, not until she started acting. Is it like an avalanche and you can't stop it? You go, oh what am I doing, why can't I stop myself? When you're like, when you know, there's like company over

and you're like showing them like your fucking, like your mammy fucking like frying pan where it's just big red lips. We like to throw okra at this one. You go look at this, this is the jaw of a slave. The jawbone of an actual slave. I kind of just, I either like, I just turn it on, or like what's that David Letterman thing,

there's no on switch, off switch for the genius something, that's the same for the retard. That I just, as soon as I see that I just shut down, I go whatever, I'm just gonna go back to being like, I'm a great dad, I'll just be a great dad, I don't know how to be your friend really, unless you're like a really dark, like fucked up, weird autistic person.

That's not true. Me and your girlfriend could talk about birds for hours. She also likes you, by the way. It wasn't a big deal. I was more laughing. It was like just such a, you throwing a pitch and it goes 18 miles into the stand. It was interesting to watch you be so off base

and not realize it as you were sitting. Well, if you were really my friend, you would have swung. On her? No matter where. No, I'm saying, if you're at plate and I'm pitching and you're my buddy, and I throw the ball, I want a friend who's so loyal that you have my back even when you know I'm wrong. You are kind of like-

I see you fuck up and I have to protect you, I go, fuck black people. I turn right to her. You do have a big Russell Westbrook personality. You come in the game, everyone's cheering, enchanting your name, and then you shoot the ball and it kills a kid, and then it hits a light, and then that explodes and the whole stadium lights on fire,

and everyone's like, yeah, but he's a, we love him. He's a legend. You average a triple double, yeah. That's greatness right there. That's the racist legend, Ben Avery. Yeah, that's White Lightning That's the racist legend, man, Avery. Yeah, that's white lightning. He runs Oklahoma City. He calls it Oklahoma City.

Because he saw a black guy there once. But I'm a good dad, I'm playing with my kids. I'm waking up at 6.30, getting my daughter, we're going downstairs, we're making a roast. You're forcing your three day old to run. You're training him. Yeah, doing wind sprints. He is huge.

He's huge. Yeah, I held him gigantic feet. Yeah. Like maybe like a size three women. I'd expect nothing less with your family. I think maybe Devin needs to be the godfather. I'm not really sure yet. It can't be you because you're the uncle, obviously.

Yeah, of course, of course. I'm too close to the family. Ah. You are the family. Right, I'm not really sure yet. It can't be you because you're the uncle, obviously. Yeah, of course, of course. I'm too close to the family. Ah. You are the family. Right, I'm too close. Yeah, you are the family. Yeah, too close.

I'm too close to the family. You can't accept we're brothers. Yeah, I'm like, what? That's a bit we do for the podcast. We're not related. Yeah. Devin's like creaming his shorts because Deon wants to get him on the courts once I had a baby boy three days ago Oh, baby boy. He's very healthy as soon as he came out the nurse said holy shit. Look how big his feet are

That was the first thing to fucking feet long. He's three days old. He's two fucking feet long. It's crazy Yeah, we got a great fucking the next great big man on our hands. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I would love to help this kid We induced early induced early to get this sucker out because it would kill your way. Yeah, it was littered half Yeah, no, then the doctor like killed there didn't the doctor tell you like this is what kill would have killed a woman in the 1880s I was like should we induce and he choose like look, it's it's your wife for the baby. What's he gonna be? She put a woman in the 1880s. I was like, should we induce? And she was like, look, it's your wife or the baby. What's it going to be? And she put a gun on the table. She was like, that's for you.

Yeah, it turned into a civil war birth. You guys had to make a decision. They're sawing my wife in half. They're giving her whiskey. The band's there. You have to choose Confederate or the North. Mm-hmm. Yep.

That's one wing of the hospital or the other. This spurt flow is a little easier, though, right, than the last one. Well, yeah, they give pectosin, which is synthetic oxytocin, which is the thing the body starts releasing to break down. So there's a wall that forms between the pussy and the baby. Gross. And the baby comes out of the pussy, but there's a wall that forms between the pussy and the baby. Gross. And the baby comes out of the pussy,

but there's a wall there, and when the oxytocin starts getting released, that wall comes tumbling down. And then the baby comes through the wall, and out the canal, which is the pussy. They call it the canal. I call it the vagina or the pussy. I'm listening. But I'm no doctor.

It's a canal, supposedly, and then they shoot out of that, they come out head first. This baby, my son, my beautiful boy, had an umbilical cord around his throat like that. And I was like, no, no, no. I'm like, we came out like Karen Dane. Mm-hmm. He was a little freak. Well, he was just, just been so racist this year.

That's why I came out like that. Right, right, right. So, yeah, everything was good. We had to run to the NICU for like eight hours. It was kind of scary. And because there was amniotic fluid in the lungs of the baby. But it's pretty common actually when I looked it up.

Yeah, we looked it up. I was really nervous for you. You were sitting there and I was like, ah, fuck. Yeah, we looked it up. I was really nervous for you, you were sending it, and I was like, ah, fuck. Well, they just rushed me to the NICU. Me and my wife had to be separated. And then as soon as I went down to the NICU, I was allowed to see my wife for hours.

And her legs were numb and her pussy, it looked like a Venus Fly trap. It was crazy. There's nine doctors trying to put her pussy back together. Oh, they're doing like, they're like fucking, they're like picking up a piece of it, no, that doesn't go there. No, that's, okay, that's a corner, so we know that.

Yeah, there's a guy that found my wife's pussy on a beach, he's in running back with it. He's like, I put it in a jar of milk, because I heard that's good. That's true, actually, like if you lose a finger, put it in a jar of milk, and then it's easier to attach Nevertheless, nevertheless, and then I drink it. Yeah

No, it's it's crazy like it's like it's dot there's like nine doctors, you know putting her pussy back together And then her legs don't work. They're wailing me away with they put the baby in a big they put the baby in a pope Mobile I'm like as long as the pope doesn't get in that thing. It's fine. Yeah bulletproof glass They put them in this bulletproof glass thing and then they start like it's like Grey's Anatomy where you like you're going down the Hall they're like follow me and then I'm just like fuck and yeah, I'm always crying like everything's gonna be okay And then we get in the NICU and there's like it's like there's like babies hooked up to blue lights Intensive care I was also worried cuz blue lights. What is the NICU, the natal? Intensive Care Unit. Yeah, okay.

I was also worried because we passed. Ben went to the NIG. Yeah. You're confused. We passed a door on the way that said IDF on it. And I'm like, that's why the office looks like that. And they tried to snatch the baby. Yeah.

They go, yeah, gimme. That's where the pedophiles are. That's why it's so expensive. That's where the loose babies are. Loose baby? Like it's change. Yeah. It's the baby you can age with. Take a baby, leave a baby.

And yeah, then we get in there and I'm just like, I'm trying not to cry because there's tons of doctors around my baby trying to do all this stuff. I've known the guy for like, you know, maybe 20 minutes. And they're like loading up syringes, doing this stuff, putting IVs in him. They're like, we're gonna be giving him sugar water to manage with the pain. They have, they're wheeling over these big machines with tubes in case they need to like put it down

his throat and stuff. And once everything gets like quote unquote stable or whatever, they're like, you can come near him now. Cause I wasn't even allowed near because there were so many doctors. And I was just, it was just me, me and him for the first two hours of his life, my wife's legs didn't work because of that epidural.

So I was just like alone with him. I didn't know what to do. So I just started, I read the book of Jonah to him. Cause like maybe I'll just, I've got to like read something to him. I'm like, what do I read? So I read. What is that? Mid nineties?

The script? Very good. I'm reading in the other ghost world PDF. I read mid 90s the script Read him the book of Jonah and that That seemed to like help in some way I guess okay, and then Like after like nine and a half hours. We were allowed to the NICU because they had decided he was okay. It was really weird and scary and stuff. They also gave him sugar water, which I had no idea. I didn't know they managed with the pain.

I didn't know they treat babies like fucking Vincent D'Onofrio and Madam Black. Like he's like the evil exterminator. We're gonna give him Raising Cane sauce. They went to Ben and they go, Pepper went to bed. They go paper Dr. Pepper Mr.. Pepper Dr.. Pepper Well given the David AMC coca-cola freestyle machine right there They're like by the way you we have our own MacGuffin. Yeah, they're like give me give me 80 CC's of cherry

Dr.. Pepper, maybe so funny they had a MacGuffin's in the NICU. Yeah, you're gonna hammer Dr. Pepper. That'd be so funny, they had a McGuffins in the NICU. Yeah, you're getting hammered. Devin's there. I'm there. Devin's there drunk. Getting drunk with all the dads with babies in the NICU. Yeah, man, I get it.

Yeah, you see Adam Conover is on Tim Pull. Yeah. Talking to the guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, where's your wife? You're like, oh, I just, no, this is my bar. I don't have a kid, man. This is my bar. I just hang here. Love these kids. Love them. Love these kids.

Do you see friendship? It was good. It was pretty good. Yeah. No, but yeah, it was beautiful. It was scary. I was scared for you. Big guy was all safe. Yeah.

But everything worked out. I think what happened though is the nurse came in and she goes, we're gonna turn your pigtosin down because this is, because I know now enough, because I look at a chart and it looks like waves. Like the sea, because everything is like the ocean pretty much.

Right. If you think about it. It goes up and down and round and round. It's all right. Water is wet with meditation or whatever. But I could see that my wife was having a contraction every minute and I was like, huh. This is getting close to when we're supposed to be pushing

but she was only dilated like five centimeters which didn't make sense. Which pissed you off. Yeah, pissed me off because I was trying to get in there. Right. And a nurse runs in and goes, we're going to turn your pectose down because you're starting to have contractions too fast.

I'm like, fuck, that's bad. And I pull up my phone. I Google real quick without my wife knowing. If having contractions too fast is bad for the baby, and it can cause brain damage. Because the muscles are contracting, the baby can't breathe, loses oxygen. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

And then another nurse comes in and goes, oh, you're at 10 centimeters now. And the OBGYN comes and goes, you turned the pitocin down, but it seems like she's not desaling, it seems like she's excelling. And I look, and now we're having contractions like every 40 seconds, and I'm like,

we're about to start pushing. I'm like, what's going on? Like, I'm not an idiot, I can read the graph now. Because last time. It's supposed to be like an hour, two hour ramp up. No, it just immediately like crazy, crazy crazy contractions and then so he shot out like he just burst out Like it was a it was like Spike Jonze had a camera. Yeah, we man was there He fucking shot out so fast and when they shoot out fast, they actually babies have to get squeezed

To get all the shit out of their lungs, which is crazy that the pussy has to The pussy has to be if your girls pussy ain't tight It can't squeeze them tight enough to squeeze all the water out of their lungs Which is kind of crazy actually and that's why you want to find a girl out there with gorilla grip So that's why you don't want to Asian babies are so smart Because they get so much action. Yeah, that's right. And they get all the bad stuff squeezed out of them. I'm the guy who's like,

isn't God beautiful for the pussy squeezes the juice out of the lungs? I'm like, isn't the, what a grand- You're way too into that aspect. I'm like, what a grand creator we have. I love juice, I love pussies, I love babies. And I love God. And that's what I wanted to talk about today at the sermon.

The pussy juices the baby. The pussy is a juicer and squeezes the baby. Like you know how when SpongeBob gets too dry? Of course. Or like he gets too inflated? That's how a baby is. Every time I watch that I think of pussy actually. When you look at SpongeBob you think about fucking? think about I think I just think about a woman giving birth And how the pussy loops the baby that I think of that specifically yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, and then you know it's funny

Jace was the the first member of my family to hold the baby and the baby immediately shit all over shit all over me Covered me and this has been sure so I left my shirt at Ben's house. So proud. Yeah. Today. So proud. Jase. Today. This morning.

Jase, I was like, you want to hold him for the first time? And immediately Jase was covered in shit. Yeah. Everywhere. Ben, I was holding the baby for maybe 10 minutes and I was just like, oh, he's so cute. And I don't know, I'm covered in shit. I just think I'm getting kind of sweaty

because of the baby. Yeah. And then Ben goes and picks him up and he goes, oh fuck. I don't know, I'm covered in shit. I just think I'm getting kind of sweaty because of the baby. And then Ben goes and picks him up and he goes, oh fuck, and I literally thought I killed the baby. Like I panicked for a second because you just went oh fuck. And then you showed me that the whole, the back of the baby was a big shit mark

and I thought it was blood for a second because I still thought it. That's my favorite thing about babies when they can shit out, like what if you could shit out of here? Yeah, yeah. You could shit and it comes out the back like a whale. They'll get shit on like the back of their neck It's insane so because he didn't have a diaper on no no he did he just crazy shit through the okay wow That's an Avery boy for that rules. There's no diaper that can contain him. He's door dashing on his way out

He had a mr.. Pib and a curry orange chicken. He shit his brains out. Which is funny, because your daughter, the first time I held her, also shit all over me. Yeah. So I think it's a bonding thing. I think it's like a squid or like a skunk or whatever. Yeah.

And then I immediately, I was just laughing, like, what if I like to handle it like way badly? Like I start yelling at them. What the fuck? What is wrong with him? I pointed at his face. I go, what the fuck, dude? Dude, so when my daughter was six months old,

me and dad were at a lake house, like doing a family fishing trip. And I was up at, I think five in the morning, with the baby, because the baby started crying, and I was laying in Katie I think five in the morning with the baby, because the baby started crying, and I was laying in Katie's sleep, so I'm out in the living room, the lights are completely on,

and Dad is watching Lonesome Dove, a fucking course. So Robert do- He goes, oh, I'm watching this so I don't kill myself. Oh, hey, what's up? No, I started watching this at, I started watching this at 1 a.m. So I'm on episode seven. And it's specifically, I don't blow my way.

What's up? What's up? What's up? You taking the baby on a walk? He thinks it's like a dog. He's had an entire thing of coffee at that point, fully dressed in his khakis with a little shitty blanket over his knees.

Yeah, like he's in a wheelchair. And he's got skinny little wheelchair legs. Like he's FDR. He could be downstairs in this lay-cast we're renting. He's performatively in the living room where everybody's doors are connected, so we know. Because everyone needs to see him going through his, yeah, his dad thing.

This is as your father did. It's all histrionic. My dad would sleep on the floor in his denim jacket in front of the front door. And I'd open the front door later and I would hit him in the head. And he'd be sleeping. He'd get upset at me for opening the door to come home.

Like he's a Bruce Springsteen song. And then would try and said they're like, can I watch TV? And he'd keep lying on the on the floor of the living room sleeping Yeah with a glass of like like red wine that he drank and then he made like some sort of creation out of like lettuce and Swiss cheese that we had in the fridge. There was nothing left in the fridge, but we somehow figured out a way to make a meal. An alcoholic lunchable.

Goulden's brown mustard on a Swiss cheese lettuce wrap. Would your dad just be a guy eating an olive? He would eat anything left. Yeah, he would just be like, that's, you know. No, the only thing we had was olives and this mustard, so I dipped the olives in the mustard. It's kind of like a chicken baguette. He'd eat anything.

Yeah. And then lay on the floor. And he'd act like you're a weird retard for looking at him sideways. Like, what, that's your dinner? Mm-hmm. Anyway. But the reason I brought up the thing about Dad

watching Lonesome Dove at like 5 a.m., I'm like, Ty, I'm like, hey, I'm like, you know, I'm trying to calm her down, I'm trying to get her to stop crying. She's in a new weird place. She's not on California time. I sit down with my daughter and he looks at her, he goes, hey, and he says her name,

he goes, what's wrong with you? I was like, what? And he looks at her again and he goes, what's wrong with you." I was like, what? And he looks at her again and he goes, what's wrong with you? Why are you crying like a baby? I want to turn to him and be like, she's a fucking baby. What is wrong with you? He really said this to a baby? He says, what's wrong with you? And then I had flashbacks of all the time, Dad always used to say that to us. He'd go, what's wrong with you?

He would never say what's wrong or what's the matter or what did someone do or what's happening. If you're crying, it's because something's wrong with you actually. Or he'd go, I'll give you something to cry about and you're like crying because you were molested. It's like something to cry about. I'll give you something to cry about.

I'll molest you again. I'll fuck you again. It's like if the projector at a movie theater started speaking, it was like, what are y'all looking at? Why is everybody here? What are you looking straight ahead for? What are you specked out of me? Playing these damn movies? Watching Lonesome Dove.

Now I like Lonesome Dove. Now I like Lonesome Dove, because it's about a lonely dove. I don't put on thieving crows. That's a bad shit, that's a bad movie. I love a white dove. Lonesome Dove's a good show. I hate wallet stealing crows.

These dag crows with their hip hop Not passing the best rambunctious crows another show Devan you're out of the shot by the way Sad to see what you've become really yeah you Well, I think exact same I think I think what happened here in the later days I think he I don't mean to gaslight you maybe I moved the shot. Well, it's the exact same, I think. I'll scoot in for what happened here in the later days. I think he, Actually, I don't mean to gaslight you, maybe I moved the camera on accident.

I apologize. Scoot ahead, it's all right. No, it's just sad to see. Let's keep it moving. It's sad to see. Sad to see what you've become. Another shitty episode about Ben's babies. Who gives a fuck about Ben's child?

Who gives a fuck about Ben's child? It's like, can they really not do an episode about the birth of a child that happened today? Fucking faggots. Unbelievable. Can you not, how about for once you pull up a fat guy? Give me one fat guy. Can you give me one fat guy?

Unbelievable that this is on your mind right now. This is crazy. It was three days ago, get over it. It's like people do it all the time. My girlfriend just did it on the toilet. It wasn't a big deal. We flushed the baby, it died, it was not a big deal. Who gives a shit? Dude, I think our OB loves Katie, by the way,

because she doesn't shit when she gives birth, which is pretty incredible for her. Do most women do? Dude, the types of women that come in, and that need, you know when people come on an airplane, they need the double seat belt. There's women like that where they gotta pull out the special bed and a woman lays back

and she just lets it rip. She farts the baby out. She goes, pull my finger. There's a big green cloud and that's the baby. Big green cloud and that's the baby. Big green cloud with eyes. They raise it in a mason jar. They capture it. They go, it's a beautiful baby fart.

Oh honey, I'm gonna name him Stinch. Cause that's what he is to me Stench ranch get over here My first baby was a Puddle of ranch My second babies are far That's the nuclear family for the modern nuclear family Ranch get out of them Fritos. Yeah, these women did like. They shit all over the place, right?

Shit, people come out in like the hurt locker suit. Yeah. When these women give birth. It's crazy. They have to cut the wire on a shit. That's how bad it is. Well, have you ever felt, have you ever been at the dentist and you're getting your teeth cleaned and you ever felt, have you ever been at the dentist

and you're getting your teeth cleaned and you're like, you're looking at them like, the poor bastards that you have to perverts, guys with rows of teeth, you don't even know, guys with white tongues. Anybody at the dentist, they're the least of the problems. It's the dentist, They're fucking knocking you out and finger fucking you the entire time you're under. You think that's true?

Dentists are all fucking sexual fucking predators. I think they're finger fucking your mouth. Yeah, it's a common thing. People, these fucking, the medical industry is full of people putting you under and raping you. That is constantly happening. They're all raping. It's constantly happening. You need this raping. It's constantly happening.

If you need this, we're just gonna knock you out for a little bit, and then they go to town. They go to town. They put on hot in here by Nellie the minute you pass out. Do like a little strip tease with it. They dunk their balls in your mouth. They go, yeah, I'll clean.

I'll give you a cleaning. Yeah, he goes, he takes a pub hair and he jams it in the back two molars, right, in the crack, so it never comes out. Do you think there's a chance as a kid you got molested? Yes. What? Do you think there's a chance you got molested

and you don't know it? Like, where you go? Maybe when I was a little baby, and I was in that really weird. A go? Maybe when I was a little baby and I was in that really weird. A little baby? When I was a little baby and I was in that really weird babysitter who was watching. Well yeah, you got molested then, but I mean like other times I guess. Other than the main event.

Times that mattered. Any satellite event of getting molested. Well that time actually it was like if you were molested it was by like other children. Yeah, probably. Like little children probably shoved their baby dicks in my little baby mouth. Yeah. They ran a train on me.

Yeah, probably a bunch of three year olds ran a train on me when I was a baby. Yeah. And because of that I had severe emotional issues for 32 years. That kind of made me flee every relationship in my life. No, everybody loves you.

No, we like to have fun, but you were raped by three year olds. I'm raped by three year olds. I was like the- I put a three year old in the water. It's because of the damn TV. The damn South Parks. Yeah.

No, I was the Lily. They learned it from like Alice Cooper. I was the Lily Phillips of babies probably, didn't I? Dude, what if, I've always wondered if you get to heaven, like can you see like your stats for like how many times you said the N-word, how many times you jacked off? Like I wonder if you looked at how many times you got molested and you're like 10,000? 10,000 times. How? Yeah. And God how many times you got molested you're like ten thousand

Yeah, that's like by the way you're going to hell because that's gay You're gonna help for getting molested as a baby you sucked you sucked a baby So you're going to hell yeah, I've always wanted to see my stats on stuff how many pizzas Do you think I'm gonna put the high score initials in? That'd be good. I don't think I'd have a high score in anything. God's like, you said the N-word more than any living person in life.

That can't be true. What, yeah, who has gotta be the person who said the N-word more than any other person? It's a black guy. Yeah, I guess, yeah, that's probably right, actually. Okay, good. It's probably, there's a big fight. Black Nazi, maybe? No, it's like a racist black guy. It's proper good. There's a big fight. Black Nazi maybe?

No, it's like a racist black guy. It's any black guy that just like doesn't give a fuck who says the N-word every waking, every second. It's like thugnificent from like, yeah boondocks. If you were talking about even with an A, yeah then it's a black guy. But black guys don't reprimand each other for saying the N-word, right?

Occasionally, occasionally. Yeah, sometimes there's like a woke, like a hotet black guy. And he'll say don't say the N-word, right? Occasionally, occasionally. Yeah, sometimes there's like a woke, like a hotel black guy. And he'll say, don't say the N-word. It's like, you know what that word. What they used to do, what they used to use that for. Yeah, what that word used to mean to us, you know, that type of show.

Brother, it doesn't have to, you don't have to hurt your own people no more. Oh, they actually act like it's the bondage of slavery. There's a lot of black guys who have wire-frame thin glasses and then a big painter's cap. And they're like, brother, you don't have to hold us down. Richard Pryor went to Africa, and he came back. He was like, I'll never say the word again.

Really? You get woke like that. Yeah, Richard Pryor went to Africa, and he decided to never say the N-word again after that. Because? Didn't he start saying it like a year later, though? Yeah, I think so. I don't get why you go to Africa and stop saying the N word You saw that doesn't make any sense to me cuz he like really I don't know he just really because he was like Oh, like we were slaying we were slaves black people

It's not it's not it's not that silly. It shouldn't be a silly thing. It shouldn't be used in such a flippant way, I think. I don't even know if Africa's where black people came from, though. What? I think they came from, weren't Chinese people black? I think it's because Richard probably went to Africa and all the Africans kept calling him the N-word.

It's like, I hate those. It's like, I'm never saying that again. I didn't know I was making fun of myself. Like a guy in a little loincloth thing. You are a. Who the? It's a bra. Like, hopping out of the bushes, pointing, calling you.

You are a. You are a party. The Wiz songs. The fucking Wizard of Oz, out they were. Fuck that NRS. I want to go to Africa because supposedly people go there and they have epiphanies like Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor. Yeah, Dave realized not to be as funny ever again after he went to Africa. Yeah.

Are you wondering, you think Dave Chappelle is still funny as hell in person, like hanging out with him? Or do you think he's really fucking annoying? He's still funny even in his specials, he just did too many and then he kept talking about trans people, but when he first came back, he was still great.

You get the impression that he's incredibly insufferable though. Sure, because he thinks he's like a god walking amongst like mortals, and he kind of is, but like he just got way too into it. Yeah, he is like a legend. Like an actual like legend, like he went away. He became a caricature of a legend. Like he's looking at himself now, and that's an issue. He looks at it, he's almost like dead,

and he's watching himself be a legend. Like almost like he died and was lionized, but he's still alive. So it became kind of off putting. And then that turns into like the rants, and sometimes it's like, the only thing I really ever hated that he did was like, he did like 20 minutes in the pandemic

about how he should get paid more money from Comedy Central. And it was like nobody was working at the time. And then he did, yeah. And then he's still dead and everything. And then I think during that special, one of his employees got COVID and died or something because they were doing the special. Oh really?

I think so, yeah. Yeah. Or I made that up, either way. Whatever, we'll run with it. That's what is No, but he still let's him he had when he first came back He had like the the bird revelation and then he had the other one that was good I want to think just kept doing stuff It's the American dream though to be like super rich and like work out and smoke cigarettes

Like to just like lift I the thing that I used to be really hard on for and still am I think about it every now And that's well now I just well yeah, of course, but I just I always go back to like that image of Kevin Spacey Bench pressing in his garage and smoking weed and American Beauty That's no it's really that's a secret. That's the pinnacle of life is Lifting weights smoking weed and fucking a 17 year old Morgan is paid off and getting your head blown off by a closet It really is the life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah you yourself being a gay pedophile. Mm-hmm smoking a J But getting to look like a cool straight guy that gets killed by like one of your kind

Yeah, no one knows that's your kind yeah exactly No one knows that you've been murdering people your entire life better closet at home. Yeah, yeah God I would I wish I could oh by the way I had a bunch of weed at the house Devon was looking for weed from one of our weed sponsors. I'll send it to you. Who was the weed sponsor Ruby's flowers? from one of our weed sponsors. Oh, I sent it to you? Who was the weed sponsor? Ruby's Flowers. Ruby's Flowers.

I have a whole box of it. Really? I was looking for my Zippo lighter and my K-Bar knife. I don't. Why don't you save it for your son? You already gave him a black name. I have a big box. Ben's son has a very black name.

Yeah, he does. He gave him a Swisher Sweets angry. It is funny, I have a newborn baby, I have a big box of Delta 9 gummies and a big K-Bar knife that I set on top of it. Honey, I'm going to podcast, I'll be back before 3 a.m. Honey, I'm going to my job where I come up with takes. Here's my box of weed in my black snot.

Here's my take. Yeah. You're sending Marcus Avery. Yeah. Devin's gonna get him in the basketball though, which I'm stoked about Jase is gonna get him reading because I want him to appreciate the history too You gotta get him reading like the Bill Simmons big book of basketball Bass Jase we need basketball fast. Yeah, I already want you to send in Wikipedia articles about certain bad

I know I was sending you Hakeem Elijah one post-up videos to play in his crib while he's sleeping I want you to start playing against them. Yeah coming over every Friday and playing him. No, I'm gonna I said that's my role and I yeah and I get really in his fucking face when he's like 12 and I like fucking Elbow him. Yeah, and then he's like cries. I'm like what you gonna do about it bitch And then finally one day he knocks me down and I go Now you're ready. Yeah, exactly and I go I now you're ready. And I go, I did that because I love you. Because I love you. And then he never talks to me again.

Take him to like a scary court. Like on like 88th Street and Fig. Like a West Coast Rucker Park. That one's scary. Push him around, I don't know, because it's a high number and Fig's in it. He's going, Fig in the 1,080th Street. Just keeps going, it's the black people

living in the ocean at that point. It's the quarter of 9,000 in Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. The coordinates are the Pacific Ocean. It's like House of Leaves where it doesn't exist on a map. Yeah. Where you're like, I'm on Catalina Island. It's technically South LA,

but it's somehow in Baja, California at the same time. It's Long Beach, Compton, and Harlem at the same time. It's almost like portals between different spots on earth. And we ball. And we ball. And we ball. And bust shots. Yeah, no, but yeah, you take them

and then you like just shove, and then it, you take him and then you just shove, and then it ends with him kicking the ball and going like, I hate you! And he sounds like that too for some reason. But then I get to give him the fence's speech when he gets home. Yes. You got food in your mouth, or whatever.

You got Mr. Pib in your belly. You shove him around. You got chicken nuggets in your mouth. You got snack packs in your pockets. Yes, Dad. Why you think that is? Because you're retarded. That's right.

Don't you forget that. I do these things for you not because I love you, but because I'm retarded. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, retarded Dad. Thank you, retarded Dad. I still laugh all the time. I'm driving at you here.

You got cum in your mouth? You got cum in your ass? You got dicks in your ass? You got cum in your belly? Why do you think that is? Because I fucked you. Because you love me? Because I fucked you.

Because I fucked you. You also asked me to do that bed in front of my girlfriend one time, and I had to just go like, I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea. Is that true? Yeah, it was like a year ago. See, why do you hide who you are in front of your loved ones?

Well, there's always a different version of yourself that you have around different people. No, but this is how I am around Katie. Well, that's because your wife is also insane. As I said during your wedding, you're the only two people who could marry each other. But she's the mother of my children. Yeah, and I think it's beautiful. You take that during your wedding, you're the only two people who could marry each other.

But she's the mother of my children. Yeah, and I think it's beautiful. You take that back. How dare you? Well, she's the mother of the mailman's children. Yeah. I would guarantee there's a- Who I pay for.

So who's the real guy? Yeah, I think if you pulled- And LaMarcus is, he'll be over for Thanksgiving. LaMarcus Aldridge, who you named the son after, LaMarcus Aldridge Avery. No, but if you pulled the whole listenership, I guarantee most people can't be like, yeah, I do the dad fuck his child in the ass bit

in front of my girlfriend. That's true. No, come on, though. You can't hide who you really are, man. I mean, she, though, every year, you have, no. Man, come on. No, once a month, I say too many, no. What happens when you, man, come on. No, every, once a month I say too many jokes about black people in a row,

and then we have a conversation, and then we're back to normal. Oh, she sets you down like you're in racist time out. No, she's just like, I don't care for that. And I go, well, that's funny. And then we kind of have like a weird little, we have a cold war for about an hour and a half, and then we're back to normal.

So, yeah. And that's a normal, healthy relationship. Why would you let your wife grab you by the balls like that? Why don't you sit her down and say, look, this is the way things are. Hey, I go, I want you to talk to me like you're retarded guy who I'm friends with. You know what you should do?

You should print out like thousands of race statistics and slam it on her desk at 8 a.m. Yeah like on the on the breakfast table she's having eggs you slam it down. You go I'm going out for a while. Yeah why don't you read this. I think you have some reading to do. You come back and she's like all these are from a fake website. That you run. That you run. These are all accredited to a website that says Jsavoryracistfacts.com. It says Obama's from Kenya. There's a whole chapter on skull size. It has a picture of Michelle Obama's penis,

which I think is just a black guy's penis. That you drew? That you drew and colored it. It's just a picture of a sane bull running. You go, that's Michelle Obama. That's Michelle Obama, motherfucker! Cuck sucker! I gotta say, she's looking rather darling, though,

on Amy Poehler's podcast. Michelle? Yeah, she looks, she's glowing. I haven't really seen her. I like how she looks like a Barbie doll that got burned in a fire. Sorry, I guess that was mean, but she does look like shit. She does look rough as hell.

Yeah. Former First Lady Michelle Obama. I think the problem is that she had a really high, I think she's balding like an old unk. Where the hairline's kind of crazy, where it's like, hey, she should be a crazy old old head, right? I think she looks like she has fried hair, kind of.

Yeah. I don't mean no, I mean it's dry. No, I should not mean it that way. That's you. That's you. Don mean it that way. That's you. That's you. Don't edit that out. That's you. I meant like it's dry and it's frizzy and fried.

Yes, it's dead. That's a saying in the- It's too dead. That's a saying in the whore community. It's me defending myself. She's not black, she's a whore. All I'm saying is I think she's had too many facelifts that has pulled her hairline back

where her hair starts here. Yeah. So it looks like she's had too many facelifts that has pulled her hairline back where her hair starts here. Yeah. So it looks like she's an alien. I don't think she's had facelifts. I don't think she's had, if she looked better, she's had facelifts. What a horrible surgeon she has. She's had the opposite.

She's got the opposite. She's got face pulled down. She's got like bassed down face. No, she's got no wrinkles, dude. Well, she's first off. She's got no wrinkles. Well, first off, she's black. And even for a black person, she's aged horribly.

Yeah, but even black people have moles and stuff. I mean, they're not God. You don't know that. Morgan Freeman has a bunch of moles. As he gets older, he adds a mole. Every year he gets a mole, like a teardrop tattoo. If I was Barack, I would rather fuck Coleman Domingo than Michelle, honestly.

Yeah, she's rough. I think she, here's what she is She looks like she's been so miserable for so long that it's affected the way that she started to look like her inside a little bit And I just thought she's just an athletic black woman, but they're definitely not together. I Think Barack got tired of her broccoli fart Because she's all into you know telling it vegetables and veggies and shit. I don't have YouTube premium anymore I'm trying to why whoa my fan finances. I'm trying to be like better or whatever like my credit card It's the one thing of our credit card one thing. I think you should yeah, you should have a business right up

What are you talking about? We need we need YouTube premium. Yeah, it's what my wife said. But I've just kind of let everything, we canceled the credit card and we go with the blue one instead of the platinum one. Because we get more money back on groceries. So we canceled the other one. And then all my subscriptions are done. So I'm playing the game, seeing what I can live without and trying to see how much money I can save.

We should get YouTube premium. You guys should cancel Netflix. I don't think we have Netflix. Really? I was watching Netflix at your house earlier. I come over. No, but that's not our Netflix. All the top shows are bits like Griselda Blanco

running a children's hospital, and Sofia Vergara is Griselda Blanco, and she's banging kids. It's Pat Adams, but he fucks the kids. This is her, by the way. Yeah. Okay. This is her. That's it, see, too many facelifts.

No, that's not a facelift. It's going the opposite way. Her braids are just so tight, they're kind of pulling her head up. What are these? Can't hear what you're saying. Oh, you wanna hear? I mean, I don't like listening to women talk,

but here you go. Stuff, but after we've had our ketchup conversation and we've had our together time and all that I'm looking at the clock and he's looking at me. He's like I specifically mean I don't like the idea of women talking Yeah, like I like when went like interesting women talk. I don't like this like a woman talk thing. It drives sure sure That was Amy Poehler that just got there. She has a big podcast now too. Interesting, called Good Hang. Get with it.

Good Hang. All right. Really? It's eight o'clock. I was like, I just, Incredible. I'm just so ready, you know? So I'm like, it's not you, it's me.

It's time for bed. It's time for bed. I get so giddy. Me too. I wash my face. I get so giddy. Me too. I wash my face. I get into the cool sheets because the room has to be cold. Women are like animals.

68. Incredible, yes. 68 degrees. Women just love things. They really do. How come Michelle Obama is dressed like Peter Parker and Amy Poehler looks like Suge Knight? Yeah, she's kind of got like a professor who rapes her students vibe to her.

So I think we can do some work here though. Michelle needs a couple F's. Let's do- Bolt-ons. Actually, here's what I'm going to recommend. We need some sloppy, some sloppy F's. She needs to get more. She's not good.

I don't want like big, I don't want big like fun bags. Okay. You know what I mean? You want them loose. I want- You want them swinging. I want two big loose dogs on your chest.

When she wakes up in the morning, I want them to start barking before she puts them bra. You want her to like accidentally, they get caught under her armpit when she rolls over in bed her long sloppy I wanted to wipe her ass with her tits She could dab her eye with it like a handkerchief I think she needs to start I think she needs pussy surgery She needs to start walking around showing camel toes. So people don't think she has a penis anymore Yeah to do that. She needs to get an eye and she needs to get a around showing camel toes so people don't think she has a penis anymore Yeah to do that She needs to get an eye and she needs to get a BBL a huge one

Okay, yeah big ass BBL and she needs to start having Asian eyes like Ariana Grande Okay, she needs to go Chinese big sloppy F's Pussy camel toe and she needs to start kind of talking like a slut that and tweeting about Hitler also that okay That surgery not tweeting about Hitler that surgery that, okay. That surgery that- Okay, not tweeting about Hitler. That surgery where they basically cut the first half of your chin off to make you more feminine looking, that type of thing.

Oh, is that what trans people get? I think so. I think they shave your jaw, right? Are they break it and push it smaller? Whatever they're doing, it's working. They're getting pretty damn good at the, it's kind of remarkable, a woman who's a billionaire like Michelle Obama can't figure something out,

considering that I see trans people all the time on X, I can't tell. Well, if it is what people believe, she looks as good as she can, because she's a man that turned into a woman, and in her mind, she's killing it. She's Michelle Obama. You know what I mean?

No. Like if it is what people, if it is what the- She looks like Dookie. She looks like shit. Oh. That's, you kinda threw all goodwill out the window with that one. She looks like shit!

Cause she's- She looks like shit! She looks like- Barbara Bush was much hotter than her. She's just an ugly black woman. This is through a beauty filter. And this is with like makeup artists and hair artists and stuff.

This is the best she could possibly look. And I know all these female podcasts. She looks like she, she looks like she. I know people who produce these shows, they put beauty filters on them. Oh sure. These people don't even look like this. Women don't look like how they look

unless you're across from them at a dinner table. She looks like an enforcer on a WNBA thing. She looks like the Draymond Green of the WNBA. She treats Caitlin Clark like she's a frisbee. She looks like she comes in and throws bows. Yeah. She exists for Dave Portnoy to call her an inward on Twitter after she elbows Caitlin Clark in a game.

And then he gets real hip sad and anti-Semitism. And he goes, Angel Reese is an animal. Put her in a pit. I like Angel Reese because the last name is the candy. That's kind of all I need. And I think that's why she got the McDonald's meal. I'll be straight up. She has a McDonald's meal? Yeah, the Angel Reese meal. Oh, I forgot about that. Which is insane because I called it the Angel meal.

Uh-huh. There's just nothing in it. She's really hard to watch play basketball. She's bad. She dribbles over her head. She's really bad at basketball, I think. Why is she so popular? Because she has a race war rivalry with Katelyn Clark.

Yeah. Really? And she's really upset, and Katelyn Clark's completely unbothered and doesn't even know what's going on. And just keeps draining threes from half court and looking really cool when she plays basketball. And then, yeah. And Angel Reese just keeps catching her own rebelling.

It's racism. Under the basket and saying it's all race. She's like, the hoop is racist. Yeah. Are you being serious? What is going on? By the way, you would love WNBA discourse. They were called rivals.

You would love, WNBA discourse is like, yeah. You should get into WNBA discourse. You would love it. Cause it is a race war right now. WNBA is being saved by a race war. Yes. That's wonderful. I love race wars.

Ratings are through the roof. That's crazy here. Because they wanna see Katelyn Clark and Angel Reese fight. And one of them is amazing, is the greatest female basketball player we've ever seen. And the other one's like fine, but just is not actually, I mean, if you, you know, comparative to women's basketball

is pretty rough to watch. And she hates Caitlin because she's white? And she hates Caitlin Clark and she thinks that Caitlin Clark just gets all the attention because she's white and it's like, no, it's because she's like great and you kind of suck ass and you're also like, you're pretty bad at social awareness and you keep making really bad decisions.

I thought in sports you could just look at stats and it proved you were the best, right? Yeah, but here's the thing, Angel Reese looks like a great big man because she gets like 20 rebounds a game, but like 15 of those rebounds are her missing layups. It's like you under the Nerf hoop as a kid, and you're like, I got the rebound, and you keep missing, but she keeps getting rebounds.

Because she's like tall, but watching her play basketball it's really ugly. So why did she get McDonald's and Caitlin Clark didn't get McDonald's? Well, because Angel Reese is like fine and she's black. And so, and she won the NCAA NCAA she won the women's national championship She beat Caitlin Clark the Caitlin Clark at Burger King. I think Caitlin Clark California pizza kitchen she might be spitting out Chipotle. She got milk

She got bill she could they gave her milk Wow Yeah, I'm always interested in the celebrity foods. They gave Caitlin Clark, she sponsors a home security system. When I'm on the road, there's only one thing I can count on. I use ADT. It's the only thing that can keep Angel Reese out of my house.

Angel Reese, she does have a very hot body, but her face, she looks like a... Well, let me get a look at this gal. Her face, she kind of looks like one of the, she looks like Angelina Jolie's character from Shark Tale. Yeah, she's attractive, she's fine, but she is just on a heel. This is a good looking lady to you?

I said her body, I said her face sucks. This is Shark Tale. Very clearly said her face sucks. On a purely human level. Type in body, type in body, objectifier more. Her attitude's very off putting. She keeps trying to make a thing of this Caitlin Clark stuff and Caitlin Clark is like a pro

and is completely unbothered and is just awesome. Yes. Sorry, sorry Brods. She's the only one that's ever made playing basketball as a woman look cool. It's not just Angel Reese, all these black women in the WNBA are so mad at Caitlin Clark. Even non-black women, Diana Tarassi,

I don't know what Diana Tarassi is, she's like a- She's like a Italian. She's like a Three Musketeers or something. She's like a Marshmello mixer, God knows. But like, she's not following me. Ha ha ha ha. Strange. Strange. Strange things.

But Angel Reese. Girl, you cooked here. Angel Reese does all of the sponsorships and does the model magazine stuff and the fabulous stuff. And Katelyn Clark's like a dude. She's just. Yeah, she looks like a surfer dude. Yeah, Katelyn Clark's like ugly.

And not ugly, whatever, she's fine. But she's great at basketball. And this she's fine, but she's like great at basketball, and she's this girl's like fine She's just tall and Gets like her own rebounds a lot can I DM her? Sure Go for it. She might tweet about it. Who knows she could she goes out there. She says stuff mm-hmm. What do I say? Say I love them love your meal Thanks, just say I love love your meal

Love the meal exclamation point can they see it on the screen? Yeah, yeah Baby girl You looking all types of good out there. Yeah, send that and then send the next one Yeah, I think on these like they can only let you send one message and then Okay, you tried to message Michael Richards before and that happened right Caitlin Clark's a stupid white cunt Good good stupid white cunt. Wait, hold on, love the milk, baby, but you look at all kinds of what? Good. Good. Good. And then say, Caitlin Clark's a little overrated,

you're better than her, and then call Dave Portnoy the K-word. Overrated. But say he's the K-word, actually type out the K-word. You're better than her. Dave Portnoy. Just jealous, Dave Portnoy's jealous because he secretly wants to fuck you with his Jewish cock.

Like all the Hasid's in Williamsburg. I hope this gets used as an example of the racism she gets in on the news. Yeah, send that off. Send that off, baby. There you go. Okay, let's see if she responds. Hey! Yeah, what if she's like, we have a fair shot.

Yeah, she's like, hmm, baby, you look good too. You fucker. Dude, what if I fucked her? Holy shit, what if I fucked an angel? She's an angel and a candy. But yeah, it actually is crazy what the WNBA is doing. They're just marketing it, I mean, it's actually, they're not even doing anything. Angel Reese just kind of keeps playing into it.

She's just always mad, yeah. She's always pissed off. It's very obvious how jealous she is. And all the other WNBA players are mad at her because she's wide and she's really good. She rules. Yeah, she kicks ass. She's undeniably next level for a female basketball player.

I kind of love Race War and basketball. Bird Magic, Clark, Race. I love Race Wars. They're the best. Yeah, they're the best kind of war really in my book. Well, it saved the NBA, now it's saving the WNBA. Because numbers are through the roof. Yep.

And it was a product that never had hemorrhage money. You know what I love about a Race War is everybody has to pick a team. Yeah. It's not like, oh, the Chargers are playing, like, no, it's this versus this. Whose side are you on? You can't opt out.

Chinese people, where are you going? One of the greatest things that happened in the last few years was the riverboat race war. That was great. That was so unbelievable. Fantastic. God, that was unbelievable. In like Mississippi or whatever, black guys were like taking chairs

I was were jumping off the riverboat into the water and swimming to beat the living shit out of like fat white guys On the pier like the dog, you know country for old men. Yeah, you just chase some guys It kicked ass it was so funny There was like old like like balding white guys who just, you'd see them try to, they'd throw a punch and they'd fall and then a black guy would hit him in the head with a fucking folding chair. I love that thing. It was great.

I love the fucking race war. Is this it? Yeah, well no, we're watching the ads. Yeah, you gotta skip the ads. Dude, I've kinda been liking the ads though. I haven't watched ads in a long time. It's nice. Alabama Riverfront.

Oh, fuck. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So now it's five, it's eight white men on a black security guard. Yeah, beating them up. And the black people are on the boat. And the black people are on the boat going crazy. Screaming. And then, yeah.

And now here comes another brother. And he's being diplomatic. He's like, guys, stop. He's not even like fighting them. He's just pushing them away. He's like knocking them off, yeah. So who's on whose team? Like some...

Every white guy is on every white guy's team. Every black guy is on every black guy's team. I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... He's not even like fighting them. He's just he's like not yeah, who's on whose team like some Every white guys on every white guys team every black guys on every black guys I can't assume this I suppose there are there is an ally or two And then look you see people swimming in the water Of all these of all these white dudes look like crabs just red crabs The black guy got his ass fucking beat.

Oh, they cut off so much footage. There was so much more. There's so much more. Our YouTube channel follow. Shut up, Lester Holt. Fuck you, kill yourself. Kill yourself, Lester Holt. Nope.

There's like a follow up with it. So is this the other one, Devin? Those guys who parked there were told not to leave it there, and they left it there. They left it there. Yes, the security guard was just telling them, you guys got to move your boat. I also love the security.

How he threw his hat off. Like it was a big game. He was like, all right. He threw it into the air. That's awesome. I thought there were tons of other videos, but maybe they're not allowed to. There is.

There are. They didn't want them on YouTube because it was like Crazy since very incendiary They thought it would literally like set off the whole country No, but I loved it was literally guys who walked out of a senior frogs to like fistfight a black guy And there's some dudes who got rocked. Yeah My favorite one. Okay, my favorite one is this this guy kept calm My favorite one is this guy kept calling,

he was trying to get his chicken at a chicken place. He was white and he kept calling them the N-word and he was screaming at them. And the black lady was like, he was like starving off all mad, getting climbing into his Ford Raptor. And the black lady who was filming it was like, don't forget your chicken fat boy. Don't forget your chicken fat boy.

Like if that kicks ass. It was really good. He wasn't getting mad at all. And there was like an unc who was the manager and he was just like, the white guy was like, call the cops inward, call the cops, call the fucking cops. And the unc turns around and he looks at the camera and he's like, oh, I can't wait to fucking call the cops.

Like the black people who worked at the Popeyes where the white guy was super pissed, they did not care at all. They were like, I am making $8 an hour. This is Georgia. Minimum wage is still $5. My life is hell, yeah. I'm still a victim from slavery.

I've had white ladies in Beverly Hills reprimand me at the Chinese restaurant where I was making like $9 an hour, because they were allowed to pay me that because I was supposedly made tips Well, at least you were making an actual like in the south. It's like you get like two bucks an hour You have to live off tips. Oh if you're a waiter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Texas is that way too, but uh, yeah Thank thank God. I was making at least $50 a shift. But anyway, I White ladies would like dress me down all the day that they'd be like, do you know?

My husband is a surgeon Where is his kung-pao chicken? I'd be like ma'am. I where's your manager? I'm gonna get you fired Do you know how many draw always have my back cuz he was so racist Yeah, he's, he go white man He good. He white he better than me. He's not you like you We kick you in a hundred nine countries. I kick you out of my restaurant He would literally say shit like that one day he hated he would be like, he was Beverly Hills. He's running a Yeah, he would say like they know tip I'm like why they know tip and he bet cuz they do it. They do it like they're Jewish

He'd be like, yeah, I need to go like this like the yarmulke. You go they drew it. Mm-hmm They're obsessed with NBA that table basketball they drew it they drew it the Knicks suck fuck the Knicks One Eastern Conference in 25 years, fuck them. It's just, see him squatting with a cigarette in the back, he's like, huh, fuck the Drews. Fuck the Drews. He thinks they're actually all named Drew. He goes, all right, calm down Drew, calm down Drew. Drews.

Ah, fuck, I forgot to promote the dates again, and we're ending the episode. We'll do an ad. We'll put it in the ads. Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Yeah. I'll read it in an ad and we'll just have- Limitparty.life or bitavery.live for the dates. I put them on both.

Jay's put them on the Limitparty one. I put them on mine. Love the show, whereas it- LA, June 6th and 7th, is that right? San Diego, Seattle, Portland, it looks like we're getting another date for SF even though they dropped us, and we're getting a lot of dates on the board. So, lemonparty.life, looks like San Diego's gonna sell out,

both LA shows are gonna sell out, you need to buy your tickets ASAP. We're also gonna put an ad at the beginning. Yeah, so. This is a so quicker ad in case you didn't hear it at the beginning you skipped it because you're gay I got you on the back end fag. How about that? How about that? How about I always get one over on you no matter what how about that they drew it Fucking drew it drew it. I get more engagement engaged my an expert talk about Druze fucking hell hit rare I fucking Rob hit right here. We're fucking rich Squid 83 year old man squatting

Churchill down Cooper nowhere and then he flicks his cigarette and goes inside and keeps making orange chicken for a Jewish guy. He goes, I made 800 pound of orange chicken today. Fuck, Druze. You would go back inside and make orange chicken for Josh Gad. Yeah. I'd be working on the rest of Josh Gad

is sitting talking to a menorah. That's why he hated Jewish people because he met Josh Gad. He goes, they're all Josh Gad, fuck them. Was he one of the customers? Josh Gad would come in all the time. Really? Would he cry?

Would you guys shut the restaurant down? He'd just ring like a bell. He had bottle service with orange. Boo, boo, boo, boo. This is not a warning, this is real. It's Josh Gad. We bring over soy sauce and a big thing of ice like a champagne.

Mr. Gad! Oh a champagne. Mr. Gadd! Oh, Mr. Gadd! Mr. Gadd, good to see you again. Dude, you know what I thought about the other day? I could have killed Josh Gadd. You still can. Yeah, you could have. You just fucking...

You're a pussy. You fucking pussy, you won't do it. Dude, he ate so fast, too. He would slurp his soup, too, it was really annoying. I could have put a big shard of glass in his soup and he would have ate it. Yeah, like a dog. You kill Josh Gad like a dog.

How would I have killed him in the Chinese restaurant? I think you said it. You just put a big orange, you fry a piece of glass and he'll eat it so fast, it'll just fucking shred his insides. I would kinda like to come at him with a wok though. Okay, hot wok? Yeah, I pour like a gallon of oil in the giant woks.

Have you seen them in Chinese restaurants? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're really big. It's something you could ride down a hill if it's snowy. Yeah. And you get in. It's a really big pan. You wanna do a Rorschach in prison move on. You wanna throw hot oil all over his face and hands. Yes, yes. And hear him scream.

But then as he's screaming, then I beat him to death with the wok. Yeah. One shot, back of the head, crack it. Crack it open like a fucking soft-boiled egg. And then my manager comes over, picks him up and throws him through the glass doors. And then he goes, he goes,

we're gonna cook him. We're gonna cook Josh Grad. We cook him. We hang him like a peaking duck in the back. Number 18, it is Josh Grad. Fucking Bruce Guy fag. It's not even out yet. One day he'll be on a website called Bruce Guy.

2012? I'm omnipotent, I know the future. He'll be on Bruce Guy, and he'll post front-facing videos about how Kanye's a Nazi. Fuck Josh Grad. I fucking hate Josh Grad. It's so funny to add Rs for a Chinese guy. What? It's so funny to add Rs for a Chinese guy.

I know, when it's not even, it doesn't even make sense. It makes no sense. Rush Grad, fuck him, Rush Grad. It's just funny to add him, fuck him. Yeah, fuck, fuck him. Cause we're actually making fun of Chinese people. Yeah, I gotta tell you though, I am for, you for Jewish people,

I am starting to get that for, I gotta move out of Alhambra soon. I gotta get to San Diego, because I'm like fucking, I'm losing my mind. They have no respect for humanity. They really do not. The amount of time, I was like fucking PetSmart, and I had to like fucking barrel roll

out of an old Chinese lady's car so she wouldn't snap my fucking Achilles. Yeah, well they think PetSmart is all date. Fuck Josh Grad. Anyway. Yeah, you gotta find love in your heart for the Chinese. Because if you don't, then who will? I think that's why they made their food so good.

So we'd like put up with their shit. Yeah. They do everything great, except I don't actually know if they know you cannot be rude in this situation. I love Asian people. I love the stuff they make. I love everything about them. I love their skin.

I love that I'm not intimidated by the fact that they have small penises. Why would you be intimidated? Why would you be intimidated by that when you walk in like like owning them kind of yeah I'm like I feel more confident because I'm when I'm talking to a Chinese guy That's actually scarier to me though like this guy's nothing to lose He doesn't care suicidal since the moment he could look down. That may be why they're so good at karate,

they can move quicker, they're caring less. Aerodynamic. It's like a jockey on top of a horse, not a chicken. Right. That's why they can fit so many on their subway, it's because there's no small dicks. Exactly, and that's why the trains go so fast, because they don't have penises.

So everybody's so light. Yep, it's a bullet train, has like a 40cc engine. Chinese jockey. Chinese jockey. Other types of jockeys. Steven Paddock. Steven Paddock, active shooter. That was my favorite one I saw.

I saw one that said, captive dreamer. Captive dreamer. Josh Grad. Fucking Drears. Fucking Josh Grad. I hear him all the time, like fucking Drears. Fucking Drears people. Do you miss him?

Have you ever gone back? I went back like four months ago with my daughter. And I go to the back, I talk to the chef, I know him well and everything, we catch up. And then he retired like years ago But I always think his name was tau. I always think about how he kicked ass Yeah, like tally his name was tau. It was TAO. Oh tau. Okay. What was the restaurant? We gotta go It was in Beverly Hills. It wasn't it

I'm not gonna say the name of it, but it wasn't, because then people leave reviews like Ben Avery used to work here, blah blah blah. But it was like really good Chinese food, right? I love it, I still go back. But kick ass, Adam Sandler would come in. Does the Drew hater still work there? No, he retired. Oh, he, Tau, it was Tau.

Yeah, yeah, but everybody in the, like every person I've ever worked with is extremely racist. Oh yeah, if you work at a restaurant or in a kitchen or anything. Or any job, you meet people who are working. If you're dealing with humanity, you start going, yeah, I'm racist.

Yeah, it's called surviving. This is the way, it's human nature. Oh, the dog sleeping by our feet. There's a good dog over here. He's a good guy. He's a good guy I don't know if he got in camera frame once but there's a Devin's dog sitting. He's a very good dog. Good boy Patreon.com so it's a little party

Thank you guys For Listening guys for listening. It's like you're doing a book report. Thank you for the sun and the moon. The listeners, I'm praying to them right now. Dear listener, thank you so much for putting food on my family's table.

Dear God, please let Ben press the stop button. Dear Lord, please guide his finger to that beautiful button. Why would I stop? We gotta do an ad. Oh, that's right. You're steering the ship now, bud. I'm just letting it drift. Okay.

I love letting it drift. Okay, so. A couple fish might jump in. Okay. Okay, all right, well, see everybody. Bye! Bye! I'm sorry. Out in the west Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Nighttime would find me in Roses Cantina, Wicked and evil while casting a spell.

My love was deep for this Mexican maid, I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a while young Calmore came in, wild as the west Texas wind.