lemonparty - 139: Jaces are Red, Devans are Blue

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

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So Will Smith is Hancock? Yeah, that's Hancock. He's a homeless guy, but he's also a superhero. But why is he homeless if he's a superhero? Well, you figure he'd be like kind of famous, he'd have access to like money or housing or... So you moved to San Diego, you can't fathom a black guy. No, I think all black people are heroes to me.

Maybe that's why I'm confused. I don't know. Hey, guys, I got some bad news. YouTube hit us with another strike. Um, uh... You guys are watching Pursuit of Happiness? It's Hancock. He's homeless. My apologies.

Timestamp from the episode they flagged, right here. Bottom line, I deny that millions died in the chambers because of the logistical problems. And look, I'm glad for every survivor there was. I mean, they really flagged that. I didn't think that was really that bad. I remember that. You had a lot of coffee that day. Yeah, it's not great, but... It's not great, but you went into a whole thing. There's more. They hit us with a second strike.

If yes, then make me a coffee as I make mine. That one is a little more aggressive. I... Are you recording without us? Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't remember that. I don't remember being there for that. The price of eggs is up and the inflation and everything. I'm under a lot of stress.

When did you learn German? I don't speak German. You just did, in the clip. You said, Judean. Oh, I thought that was Hitler. Well, Ben, you gotta go fucking fix it. Okay. My bad. Figure it out. Yeah, Ben, you gotta go fucking fix it. Okay. My bad. Figure it out. Yeah, my bad.

This is our livelihood here. Alright. Okay? Just fucking figure it out. Fix it, Ben. No more coffee. Hit up everyone you know and get us back on fucking YouTube. My bad. My bad. Make it right, Ben. Fix it, faggot.

That's right. Say it again. You're a faggot. That's right. And you need to fix it. You're that word. You're that word. That's the word we call you when you leave. Pretty consistently we call you that. Yeah, when you're not here and then when you're here we say the same thing. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? You reviewed your request to appeal strikes on your account Mr. Avery and sadly the board has decided to pull them. Well that doesn't make any sense. I mean who are the groups we even are offending? Chinese. Chinese? Just Chinese? Chinese. I'm sorry I don't think I understand Chinese? Did you just say Chinese? Well Chinese is sort of a catch-all term we use around here.

For what? Oh. Black, Jewish, Gulf Mexicans, homosexuals, and pedophiles. Alright. So now what? So now what happens is we send someone to kill you and your family and we delete your

entire channel. Okay, no, no that makes sense. Okay thank you, now you have a nice day. Always a pleasure Mr. Avery. Sweetie? Honey, I'm gonna go record the podcast now. Someone from YouTube at an unknown hour you and the kids. So just thought I'd give you a heads up. I love you! J-step! Ready to record the podcat? You don't even know what Hancock is. You don't know Blackheart. I'm gay. I'm a lib.

I'm a lib. Wait a minute, I'm fucking a lib here. Let's just fuck out of this'll see you back in the correct room. I'm on chicken wings. Yeah, you like my outfit. Don't even make the deal. I thought you'd get two heads up, girl. I'm on the light beam. Always in my face, talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of these, but a cat's neck. You rag clean, what's your game? It's like a little waxy, weird feeling. And then if I turn my neck to the side that's tight,

like that, it'll make the ear hurt more. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, bodies are fascinating. We're really just not supposed to be here. No, we're not. Why would any of this be happening? Why would we have these things?

We're supposed to be on the back end. We're supposed to be near death. None of this makes sense. Why would we itch? Why would we ever be like, I'm uncomfortable, this sucks. You know, all the time when people are like, why do I jack off and eat food? 24 7 and it's like well, that's you're just trying to feel good for a little bit

That's what you're designed to do your whole shitty day You're designed to lose as little weight as possible and come as much as possible. That's all you're meant for Been shooting heroin like Ray Charles toiletries here. My wife got this for me It's a pipe traveling kit so I could take my pipe to the limit party That literally looks like what like black jazz artists is used for heroin back in the day There's like you want to swim gas yeah, this was owned by Charles Mingus Yeah, you you shoot out of that and you imagine your dead brother from it in a tub And now we're so gay. It's just it holds our Lucy's

Yeah, right, but With your bad back yeah, you might have got your bad back from the soy face You're having to do a mechanically healthy soy face now. Yeah, look at that. There you go. That's sick, dude. Kicks ass. We got a little haunted book shop. Is that what it's called? Yeah.

I liked the fucking, what was it, the winter time candy or whatever the fuck. All the tobacco you smoke is named after candies. Yeah, what was it, cookies and cream? Cookies and cream. Christmas cookies? Christmas cookies. Was that it? Christmas cookies.

That smells good. Yeah, it's all like cookies. My doctor recommended it. I can't believe, so I'm gonna say it real quick. Ben like woke up, what a week ago? No, on Father's Day. On Father's Day. On, on Father's Day. On Father's Day. On Sunday, Father's Day.

On Sunday, Ben woke up and he couldn't move. What was it, four in the morning? Yeah. You were in traction, you were in horrific pain, you said. And he had to go to the hospital, and they told him he's a big fat retard. They said your spineines all retarded the way he walks Apparently has been a symptom of a much deeper issue

He had like eight well how many ribs were out of place he said four or five he couldn't get It's it's you know it's bad when the doctor says four or five We can't really tell Then you had a whole plate of ribs out. Yeah. That literally could've, you would've paid $19.95 for those ribs. So, yeah, so your body was genuinely wrong.

Yeah. And you were walking wrong. I think it's called scoliosis. Is that? He said I might have scoliosis, and he said my ribs were all, so the Chinese lady at the urgent care was like you Have to go to physical therapist. So I went to a chiropractor

Yeah, and he felt my back he's like it's spasming like crazy and I'm like, I can't feel it He's like cuz you make your shoulders so tight That's so yeah, you can't cut off like sensation to your back Yeah, and then he popped up I was like, did you pop the rib back in? He's like I've popped about three back and so far and I was like up. I was like, did you pop the rib back in? He's like, yeah, I've popped about three back in so far. And I was like, three? And I was like, how long have these been popped out? And he said, there's no telling.

So I've just been living like this for, I don't even know. And it finally just hit you one night. I mean, I've been walking like this since I was what, 18? I know, I had a tremendous, I was telling Devon before you got here, I thought back to moments where we were making fun of your walk altogether.

And I was like, oh, I was making fun of like the elephant man like this is a bilitating condition I had no idea you were like you were genuinely like part jumbo shrimp I Know I thought I thought you were just a very jovial silly person. I ate so much honey walnut shrimp. I turned into one I really I thought you were Been at oxtail for spine. I didn't know that. I just thought you committed to bits so hard that you were like, I'm gonna walk like an idiot

for the next 15 years. Maybe that's, maybe that's how you did it. Cause you used to walk with a cane like house when you were a child. Maybe he was so committed to looking retarded that he actually made himself retarded. Have you thought about that? It's possible, yeah.

I mean, I've said before, boy who loved the jokes so much he became one it's possible it's the fable of me. That's really crazy though that you woke up did you think like something worse was happening like what'd you think? Like becoming paralyzed or some shit? Well if I breathed too deeply there was a sharp pain in my lung in through my backside and if I sneezed it felt like there was like a knife going through my back. Because your rib was pressing into your lung sack, right?

I guess, I don't know. Yeah. But you think you were having a heart attack or you were dying or something? I couldn't sit down for three days. But no, I didn't think I was having a heart attack. I just thought I haven't stretched in my entire life. It was just the stretch that you needed.

Yeah, I kind of stood in the corner like Blair Witch Project. That's a nightmare. And did you, did you? I corner like Blair Witch Project. That's a nightmare. And did you, did, did. I was trying not to cry. It hurt so bad. And were you kind of like wang like, do I need to go to the doctor for this? Or can't just go away?

Yeah, Katie made me go. Katie made me go. Otherwise. You weren't gonna go. I couldn't lay down or sit, so I probably eventually would have gone. I didn't sit down really or do anything for like hours. Or for, I'm eventually would have gone. I didn't Sit down and really or do anything for like hours or for I'm sorry for days Okay, I went there and he

He fucked me. I thought I kind of fucked you. Mm-hmm I could sit down now that he popped my ribs back in but he like put you in missionary and shit, right? Like he bent your legs back and fucked your shit up black guy to big black dog Yeah, I thought he was putting a little extra into each one This is for my ancestors he goes this is for the patreon And this is for the live stream He saw how fucked up your back was he goes in no wonder they needed slaves Horrible posture motherfucker

Let's get those ribs back into place. I'm gonna tie you to this tree branch real quick Whip them back in the place Well, I'm happy you're feeling better. So I'm not alone. I was really nervous about that Yeah, I didn't think I'd be able to sit down, but thank God. Yeah, it was kind of good that you was The RIT it turned out to be the ribs, right? It wasn't like, oh, you need to get surgery or something. No, but he said my future is very dark

if I don't start going to the gym and doing specific exercises. Yeah, which you'll do. But they have to tell people that because people will literally have to. You think I will? I think you will. I think you get very committed to something

and you follow through on stuff Yeah, but they have to say that because literally somebody they're like 80% of their patients will like get Curl up like a big rolly-polly and then get eight ribs put back into place and they'll be like you You'd need to do something. They just want and then they'll turn they go back to nor. Yeah. Yeah So they have to look into the eye and say, you are going to die. Your daughter's going to be wiping your ass one day. Well, I don't feel alone in the matter because little old Devin had scoliosis as a kid. Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I did. As a fat little boy. I was a fat little kid. I forget what was happening. I think I just felt like shit and then went to a doctor and then they gave me like a lift on one of my feet. It's like a little. Like a platform.

Yeah, they gave me like a sole that was like a little, half an inch higher and it like evened out my back a little bit. And then I had to go to a chiropractor where he like does all the things that they do. You see online where they're doing It's like a raccoon They're doing it to dogs. Yeah, yeah, they just like a woman and she's like farting You're like, yeah got her. I

Always see that I get that on my Mike's war all the time where it's a huge titted woman It's always a big kidded woman queefing Right, yes, she's got her heads behind her head and they're like, you're gonna queef a little bit when this happens. Yeah, I will say it is perfect timing for me to lose all mobility so I don't get drafted into the war that's upcoming.

It's kind of perfect timing to be kind of disabled in a way. Well, you're gonna be competing against Jewish soldiers, so I think you might have the healthiest back there. That's a good point. That's what's terrifying about this war. They're like, you have the best posture out of any Jewish soldier in the IDF.

If you're listening now and you wanna draft me into the war, I'm gonna have the most friendly fire kills out of any soldier that's ever lived, sir. I'm gonna make the Pat Tillman murder look like a Medal of Honor situation. I friendly fired 300 IDF soldiers. You dig Pat Tillman up and like a medal of honor situation. I friendly fired 300 You dig Pat Tillman up and kill him again Shoot his corpse and I'll join all like sigh all like, you know

I'll let them take me but I'm never making my bed and I'm not waking up at 5 I'm gonna make my own rules when I'm gonna go listen, I'll fucking shoot a baby at three. I gotta wake up, I need my coffee, and I'll shoot a kid right in the head at around three p.m. Yeah, can somebody grab me a Celsius? I have to burn my babies real quick. I haven't even been to Trader Joe's yet. I need to get my frozen foods before I shoot children. I need my acai ball before I dynamite this school.

What happens when you, I mean we've said this before, before I dynamite this school. What happens when you, I mean we've said this before, but like truly, if I don't run away and they draft me, but if I just like am waking up, like if they do the, Marine, go, go, and I'm just like not into it, what happens? You go to prison? You go to like a military prison? Jace told me in Vietnam that anybody who was a draft dodger that

they barely... I read that one time that I think it was almost zero people ever got... people might have gotten arrested but almost zero people got charged with any prison time for draft dodging. Yeah. Yeah. I think the odds of getting killed in Vietnam I looked it up one time and it was like 10% which is high but like not like... Yeah. You know all these old people are like talking I'm sure Our most sunlight-deprived fan will correct me on both counts, but that's what I remember reading. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I mean this is fucked up. I am excited for I hope we get some new cool Call of Duty's Yeah, that's just pure propaganda. I'm excited for that. Maybe we'll get some good games on Steam

But other than that all this talk about war just makes me wanna get back into video games. I used to kill people constantly on my screen. You could be a drone pilot. You could fly one of those little drones they got now. You could be out in Ukraine, taunting a Russian man for clicks on Twitter. A Russian guy who's crying is like,

"'Just kill me,' and you're pulling his pants down "'and pointing at his dick with a robot. The little break room would kick ass at the drone company because it's all Chinese. So I could help, I could still all my coworkers' lunches, get dumplings, chow mein every day, bunch of egg roll. Do you think the Israelis- They could walk on your back. Do you think-

You go, Ming, can you walk, can you hop on the back real quick? As he's flying a missile. Yeah, I go, Ming, stop blowing up that orphanage real quick. I threw my back out killing a family's dog in front of a kid. Can you walk on my back real quick, Ming? Do you think these Rayleigh drones, when they're about to kill an Iranian, do you think they go through his pockets first?

They designed a missile it doesn't blow up the wallets in our back They've designed a missile where after it kills everybody it it goes through their pockets, and it takes it anything in their wall They have a special type of drone that grabs people by their ankles and shakes them up and down like a big cartoon Yeah, yeah, you know it is you know, it's it's sad though if you think about it Pretty brutal horrible. Yeah, I mean we're recording this a few days before we put it out. So who knows what's Happening anyway, yeah, it'll be very funny if we have to release this the day after they nuke everything Anyway, yeah, it'll be very funny if we have to release this the day after they nuke everything Like just mushroom clouds all over you still have real like when they say nukes from what I understand There's also smaller nuclear weapons, right? But there's also different sizes. Yeah, but what's the biggest they got?

What can they do? I think they got like What is it? Is there uranium bomb? Is that it? There was atom bomb hydrogen bomb and then they didn't they have an your uranium bomb That was the biggest. I don't know. I don't know. I'm retarded. I think they start out with like Mentos and Pepsi and then they work their way up That's what they had in Afghanistan. Yeah, they're blowing tanks up with Mentos and coke Well, that's why Tel Aviv is getting hit because they're actually going at a country that has buildings and shit. Now they're playing the dream team.

Yeah, it's not just, you know. It's not Croatia anymore. Exactly. It's not cave dwellers. Now you're getting your shit pushed in by Iran. Yeah, these people have forks. They have sporks. Sporks, some even have sporks.

There's one KFC in Tehran with a spork. Very advanced stuff. Sidewalks. It's also very funny, they're not next to each other, they're just firing over. Over all the other countries. Iraq and Afghanistan or whatever. And Iraq and Afghanistan look up into the sky

and they get jealous. They get nostalgic. A guy fucking. They go, what the, why are we not in this? It's like seeing your ex drive by with another boyfriend. Yeah, it's like a song that you connected with with your ex. Turning to the goat you're dating, you're like, they used to be obsessed with us back in the day. It's actually unbelievable,

because Iran is, we force force them to be like unfun. They're not even these unfun Muslim people that the media paints them as. They were like cool, and then we like made them be like, I like no more fun, we suck ass. They like goths and shit. They were sick, they were hot. The women there still kind of punk rock. They like don't put shit. They were sick. They were hot. The women there still kind of punk rock.

They like don't put the shit over their head. They like walk around like go ahead, arrest me. Kill me. Yeah. This was in the 60s. They were like kicking ass. I think it's 70s, up until like 79 I think. Yeah, something like that.

That's when we put a towel over everyone and we're like no more fun for you. No, I've seen the, it goes viral once a month, the clip of like Tehran before like the 70s and there's people in yeah Polka dot bikinis doing like it looks like an Elvis shitty Elvis movie from Hawaii And then we're like now get in the fucking bag you live in a bag now. Yep, and you can't drive. No. Yeah It sounds it's so unbelievable. It sounds like lid propaganda When you tell me that I I'm like, no, it's Star Wars.

It's it's the little Sam people from Star Wars who steal the droids. Yeah, you know, so many Iranians hate, hate that shit. They hate Star Wars. No, not Star Wars. Yeah. Dune. They hate the Islam. They hate their fake. Really? Yes, they're not a naturally... It's a hipper country than what's usually over there.

That's why this is even sadder, because they're like a real country. 92 million. Not like these rock countries. Yes. I mean, some of these people shaved their pussies. They had the presence of mind and the care for their partner. Now those pussies are getting scorched.

To shave their pussy. They fucking, they had fun there, all right? They throw pomegranates on the fucking rice. You ever see any of these other fucking, these rigid cocksuckers do that? No, no fruit. They hate the sight of anything shiny and. You get killed for eating a plum mm-hmm another country these

women sound beautiful by the way they're describing they're great hairless they're great they wax the hair they listen to the talking heads awesome they love they don't love America though right there apparently they're all chanting everybody wakes up at the morning and chants death to America yeah apparently they want they go in parentheses Israel yeah because it counts as both no we're playing I, I think I imagine we could easily play news clips from 2004 of Sean Hannity talking about Iraq and most of the old people in the country would think

it's right now. He might be doing that. And it's Iran. They could just play repeat. He's like, I gotta go on vacation, like figure it the fuck out. And they're just loosely editing shit together. Yeah. They're just like put on Crossfire. Yeah, they're just loosely editing shit together. Yeah. Yeah, they're just like put on crossfire

So mean to Tucker Carlson, it's cutting the commercials of the apprentice. Yeah, like the president has a TV show That's awesome. That's great. that kicks ass. 2004 is also now. But yeah. But you know, Israeli is our military base. It's been drilled into my head and I don't know what it's like anywhere. So when I think of Iran, I don't think of, I don't think of, like I just think of Call of Duty where all the trucks, like every car is blown up

for some reason. And there's like, you know, walls to hide behind to shoot from. Like windows are blown out everywhere. Yeah, like they don't even build buildings, they just build walls that have already been crumbled for soldiers to hide behind. I saw a picture and I thought it was Miami. Yeah.

No, it's like beautiful according to Devin. Devin knows some Iranians. I mean, I've never been, but this is all from Ida and shit and I've watched like a bunch of documentaries on Iran and shit, and it was like, yeah, it's established. So they reject their Abrahamic religion. Now why is this? I don't know, all right, now you're putting me

on the spot here. I just know that they used to be civil and cool, for the most part. And then we did something in like 79, like a coup I believe, and we put a bunch of guys that have fucked up faces and wear towels on their head, and they tell everybody we'll kill you if you drive, and like no fun, and like no wifi.

Wifi's not even around yet, but when it does come out, you ain't getting it. If there's a little square you can use to jack off with in the future? It's not happening. No, it's not happening. Unless you're us, the guys who are in charge of the country. You can't even use a fucking Magellan as a GPS to get around town.

Nothing easy. We're going to send our sons to America to go to Florida University to fuck strippers. But you don't get any of that. Exactly. And anyone with half a mind is gonna move to America and go to Beverly Hills and they'll be at Il Pisteo and they're gonna support Israel actually. It's gonna be very bizarre how this works.

Yeah, it is like an American tale but they're trying to become Jewish. There's a lot of Persians in Beverly Hills that are I guess Israelis or something. One day Fival will whitewash our family. So much will be Jew. It will be magical. I didn't know the women shaved their pussies.

I think we should pull out of there. I don't think we should carry through with this if these women are shaving their armpits and their pussies. I don't think they're assholes. I don't think they're allowed to anymore. I actually think they have to get checkups. I think an old fucked up guy who's jacking off under his towel

checks their pussies to make sure. No landing strip, we ain't having any fun here. An old horny ghost who looks like Sam the Eagle is gonna look at your pussy. The men in Oran go like, I actually like the scruff when I rape them. It cushions my pubic bone as I'm holding them down. When they're fully hairless, they are slippery.

They get out of my hands. No, it's really bad and this is not okay. They're way too big of a country for us to be. All the shit with the Trump, I sound like an immigrant. All the shit with the Trump and the. Yeah, we figure out you're like an ISIS agent this whole time. But like with us being like, get out,

what the fuck is with him? He's anti-Ukraine, he was talking about the military industrial complex, anti-war president. This is outrageous. I mean, to be cowering. I think it's Knuck and Futz. It is Knuck and Futz. It's a think it's Nuck and Fats. It is Nuck and Fats. It's a rich category, Nuck and Fats.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Devin's the warhorse. Well, Devin has the only relationship with anything Iranian whatsoever, so I'm kinda going to him on the news here, and I'm not going to anyone else but you

in regards to what we should do. Well, I only know anything about it because of being with Ida. And I've learned a little more about them throughout that. But they're like, they seem, yeah, exactly, but they seem the most hip and Americanized of all the annoying fucking, hey, hey, and all those people out there.

I like Iranians, I think, the most. And they tried to do that with her people. They tried to go, hey, hey, no more good time. We suck ass every day. They used to have a good time. And thank God, you know, she and her mom got out of there. But she's still got family there, it's fucked up.

You know? And her mom used to visit all the time. So if her mom was there when this happened, she'd be stuck, you know? And fuck around and find out. All I can say is thank God I'm not living with Ida anymore. Cause this would be a nightmare. You'd join the military if you were on free of course.

I would be, I would have killed her just to keep her at peace. Cause she would be freaking the fuck out. Like a dog that's kinda got too much dementia to be alive anymore. Yes. Yeah, gets scared and shit. I would have just been like her, oh, I would have acted like her hind legs are bad.

I mean, it's horrible. It's time to strangle them. She walks with her hands dragging it through the kitchen. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's very bad and I'm praying for her family. So do you know how Islam came to be? The faith they reject.

Argo, Ben Affleck made Argo. That's correct, very good, Devon. Yep. Muhammad said, Argo, fuck yourself, and we got Islam. And then we all laughed in the Oscars. Islam was invented by Warner Brothers, actually. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Ben Affleck. The WB frog was in a conference room with Porky Pig. And he said, what if we made some beautiful propaganda? So interestingly enough, and I didn't know this until I had to go back to the Bible, because Ted Cruz was quoting Genesis. It's amazing how smart you look if the volume's just off right now

with your pipe waving around. Oh yeah, and then you turn the volume up. It's amazing how smart you look if the volume's just off right now with your pipe waving around. Oh yeah, and then you turn the volume up. It's just a special needs kid. You're like, what if Porky Pig was Muslim? Would he have to kill himself because he's pork? Answer me that. Would he have to blow his brains out? You've got a tweed jacket.

He's a pig, so how can he be haram? He can't digest anything. And it's interesting. Does he fuck? Nothing can touch pork. And he's pork. He's touch pork. And he's pork. He's the pig. Porky.

The beloved pig. Porky, but would he? The beloved pig, who sounds like a dumbass. Would he have to blow himself up like a dirty terrorist because he's haram. But sorry, you were saying, but you were watching... I need to go back to the Bible, because Ted Cruz was saying, Genesis 12.3, this is the verse that he was ingrained with as a child that said, you have to support the nation of Israel or else you will be cursed.

Because that's what the Bible was talking about, a pretend nation they made in 1948. It's not the verse at all. So here's the thing about the Abrahamic faith. Now I didn't even know Islam was part of the Abrahamic faith. I forgot it. I knew it once, I forgot it. We forget, we all forget. So here's the thing about the Abrahamic faith. Now I didn't even know Islam was part of the Abrahamic faith. I forgot it. I knew it once, I forgot it.

We forget, we all forget. Why would I remember that? There was that day you said that and you said, I'm gonna forget everything I know about Islam. And you pushed it out of your brain. So here's the other thing I'm struggling with. So Abraham is dating this bitch named Sarah. I'm gonna put it in street terms.

And she's old as shit. She's 94, not gonna bear Abraham's son. The Abrahamic religions, the faiths, three religions come out of Abraham. It all goes back to Abraham. Abraham goes to Muhammad, Abraham goes to Jesus Christ, who the Jews refute as the actual Messiah. They're still waiting for the Messiah.

So Abraham and Sarah, Sarah's 94 years old, and her pussy's fucked up and busted and she cannot bear Abraham a son so you know what she does she has a maidservant named Hagar Who apparently was a woman was a woman named Hagar, but she was a sexual Combine concubine concubine. Thank you, Jay Yeah, she wasn't a part of the NFL draft. She was a sexual concubine. I was mixed, I almost said catamite. What's a catamite?

It's a gay boy sex slave. It's like a young boy that is used for sexual slavery. It's interesting that you know catamite, but not concubine. It's like, well, we were called it for years. I've been called everything in the book, Jace. My Twitter DMs are a nightmare. Katamite, Concubine.

I've had to look up a lot of insults. I get called a gay husband all the time. So, here's the thing. So Sarah has a maid servant named Hagar, and she's from Egypt, and gives her to Abraham, goes fuck her, and then we'll have a son. Her pussy's nice and wet and supple. So she becomes a sex slave, a sexual concubine,

but somehow this is like, in the Bible, it's not frowned upon. It's not like then God shook his head no or said no women should not live in sexual slavery and you shall not. No, God was like get that pussy wet. Fuck it deep. Go for it. Which is really weird, right?

The sexual slavery part? No, that's the most normal part of it. It's throughout the Old Testament, yeah. There's that verse famously where one of the male concubines for one of the women, the Bible says he had a donkey dick. And he came buckets. I forget the verse.

Yeah. That's awesome. No, literally, there was monks being like, should we use donkey dick or should we say long cock as they were translating it out of like bro So Hagar the sexual concubine gives birth to Ishmael call me Ishmael Moby-deck right sure Ishmael is

The descendant it goes all the way to Muhammad and this is where we find Islam now Is the descendant it goes all the way to Muhammad and this is where we find Islam now After Hagar gave birth to Abraham's son Ishmael and then that went off into Islam She turns out Sarah prayed and she ended up getting pregnant. She had Isaac and Jacob, right? It is funny that God like literally like laid his hand like he held his hand out And then her pussy just got wet all the sudden like she got a nice pussy again She prayed for a pussy. Like the Santa Claus, like she woke up and she's like, why is my pussy young and supple?

She prayed for a wet pussy. She goes, Abraham, look, touch it. It's tight. You can fuck it again. You can fuck it, it's not gross. It won't hurt. I shouldn't be killed. It's nice and tight again.

You don't have to kill me. You don't have to kill me. You don't have to kill me because my pussy sucks. You used to cut my head off. Yeah, in the, yeah. You don't have to fuck me in my ass anymore. Yeah, you remember in Leviticus where it says if my pussy is trash for seven years, you get to cut my head off?

Well, it's tight again, so you can't. So the mother of all of Islam is actually this like Bonnie Blue figure, interestingly enough. And then Sarah and then Abraham have Jacob and Isaac, and then the descendants goes all of Islam is actually this like Bonnie Blue figure, interestingly enough. And then Sarah and then Abraham have Jacob and Isaac and then the descendants goes all the way down to Jesus Christ. So that's, so actually in a weird way, all the religions, it kind of all goes together,

weirdly enough. They should all be one. Co-exist like a bumper sticker. Well how did they all come from the same thing? I don't know. That's what I don't understand. I don't even know why Jews have throw their hat in the rear. I don't even get it They don't even believe in like an after I don't even know what do they believe American Jews? It's like what? What even is don't believe they don't even believe in they're too smart to believe

None of this makes any sense. You guys believe in Philip Roth. Yeah, you do Judaism. What are you talking? So like enough of your fan fiction. You're going to war over Marvel? I think they believe in a place called Shoal. I don't think a lot of practicing Jews will tell you like, with a straight face that they believe in an afterlife or even know what's going on. Yeah, that's the thing is if you get far enough in Judaism,

like you talk to like old rabbis, they're like, yeah, it's not, there's no heaven, there's no hell like none of its real. It's called show now, I guess it's shul Yeah, it's like their hell or whatever Sounds kind of awesome. Hmm I'll say Dave believe in heaven Yes, Judaism generally believes in afterlife and form of heaven though the concept is not always uniform and can be understood in various ways. Right, so it's like a choose your adventure heaven. Jews often refer to the afterlife as olam haba.

Yeah. Olam haba. You get to pick your own bank. Think of it, Devin, there's a bank on every street corner and An apartment complex you own every day Judaism you can take it with you and you do not die with that in Jewish heaven in Jewish heaven. There's no punishment for being a shitty landlord You wake up in heaven sitting across from a guy and you deny him alone and you go. Oh my god. I Can do this for eternity.

You tell me there's no housing codes? No housing code violation. There's no tenant rights. No tenant rights. You're saying, oh, but they do have black apartment buildings I own, and I never have to turn the heat on? But you still made it cold?

In heaven, for them only? And it's government subsidized, so I always get a a check so I get a little couple little points on the back And yeah, you tell me I don't section you tell me I don't black and farms It has a little history lesson, but can you can you believe Ted Cruz says that verse in the Bible means we should Give all our money to Israel Genesis 12 3 is that verse no, but I believe Ted Cruz should be raped to death Yeah, cuz he's a lying faggot who will say whatever he needs to say if Ted Cruz was born in Iran He would be like Mohammed declares that we must attack the sovereign state of Israel He's a spineless pace of ugly faggot. Yep. Yeah, and he got dog-walked by Tucker Carlson. Yeah

Yeah, Tucker destroyed him Tucker is a big bullfrog. He needs to be dissected You want to open him up and see what's in I want to cut him along his big fake beard line that he has His fake jawline he's got with his shitty beard. It doesn't work at all. It does not work at all No, he's got the George Lucas Fake beard obviously the fake jawline and I want to cut it open like a big watermelon and watch the guts spill out It doesn't work at all. It does not work at all. No, he's got the George Lucas fake beard, obviously. The fake jaw line. And I wanna cut it open like a big watermelon

and watch the guts spill out. Yeah, that would be awesome. That would be great. Seeds going everywhere. Take that frozen dog from when he fled Texas and shove it up his ass. That little shitzu he let freeze to death like a fucking. That's right, it needs to happen.

Like somebody who escaped from the gulags in Russia It's a southern taxi Jeremy where we set him outside into blizzard We just left him we just left the fresh screen door open cuz fuck you we're going to can't get him, baby Hey, Jace, we need to do an ad. Oh, that's right. We're halfway through. Oh, so we're doing it. We're doing ads long. That's great I love a bathroom break. There you go. There you go, cuz you've had a bunch of Guinness upset That's true well I had to drive up here so, you know, I was bored took like two and a half hours Jesus Christ, did you remember the ads because we were talking about Jewish heaven Did that spark your memory magically? Mm-hmm. Let me pull my ads up real quick.

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Price varies based on product and subscription plan. Thank you, Hems. Thank you, Hems. Now back to the show, which we are doing right now. Right now. All right. So we were saying that Israel's good. What were we talking about?

Yeah, we just hope that they can win this thing that they started. And Ben has to stand up to podcasts now. Sometimes, yeah, that chair does suck. We'll get you a new chair. We'll get you a new, we'll get you a. I don't think there's space for a new chair. We'll get you an ergonomic, we'll knock this wall out.

No, I'm just gonna get better, I'm gonna get healthier. Yeah. Not. No. Sike. I want you to do, I want in a year from now you're having to do the podcast like Larry Bird during timeouts at the end of his career where he's laying on his tummy with his like his head up like Larry Bird would have to like be like a teenage girl on the phone during timeouts. His fan base would be the same as Ben's. Hicksville, Indiana. Yeah. And racist Boston. And very racist Boston.

I guess I could stand up straight in here though, thankfully there's an inch of clearance. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Your dad built a hell of a basement to move into. Yeah, he built this in a panic state, thinking that he would just sleep underneath

the woman he was divorcing for the rest of his life. Your dad thought, I'll go underground. Yeah. Because my surface life is crumbling, I'll go underground. He was like, I'm off. He refused to handle what he started. Yeah, your dad went binwad in that.

And then he immediately hired a couple Mexican guys and they built this in like a week, and then he started living here with a and then he met a guy at a coffee shop and he moved that guy in with him and they slept down here together. And this is the small 10 square foot room. Well this was a little bigger before we turned into the studio but yeah yeah they slept in here um him and this guy who used to wear like a trench coat all around town and he looked like he had just like walked out of a time machine his name was Rex.

Did he have little tiny sunglasses? He had little sunglasses, I'm not kidding. He had little sunglasses. Wait, he really had little sunglasses? He had a little suitcase he walked everywhere with. And yeah, my dad moved him right in. Your dad goes, you have schizophrenia. I like that.

Get into my little hole that I live in now. Yeah. It's a beautiful metaphor that your dad went like mole mode During his divorce. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah dig underground dig underground for safety. Oh, yeah, he was like He was hardcore. He refused he refused to lose at that time He refused to lose He used to try and sneak his way back upstairs. So that to like.

Gradually, did he try to do it all? He tried to gradually sneak his way back into the bed to like sleep next to my mom. Did he really? Yeah. And one day. He started sleeping on the floor? No, he just kind of like wandered in one day.

Like, like if you leave a door open and like a, like a possum kind of just, you find a possum in your kitchen. Yeah, you have to hit it with a broom. And he was trying to like get in, and my mom was like, what are you, no! No! And he was like, honey, how much time do I have left?

Telling the dog that it can't come in. And he's like, he's like 55 at this time. He's like a really health conscious guy. He's actually like, he could die any minute. Your mom's like, get out. Yeah. Yeah, your mom sounds like a bitch. Whoa.

Well, she wasn't giving it up. That's what I mean. I know. We oughta send her to the caliphate. Let her live under that rule for a little while. It was a crazy time. I was trying to tell my mom, just fucking pop that thing. Just, just, just. Pop that pussy. Aren't your back. Crazy time I was trying to tell my mom. Yes fucking pop that

Mom come on come on come on throw it out there. Fuck it shake that juice Shake it a little bit How are you doing Ben? Well now I'm kind of It hurts really bad. I'm in a lot of pain really it hurts to turn my head and it's hard hard to think Yeah, you walked in like a fake car crash victim like with like you close you close the door by doing a spin move Yeah, run around in a circle. I didn't think this would happen at my age. I'll be honest I thought I could kind of push this off into my 40s, but it struck pretty early You actually it is this weird thing with the body. You think like the less you do,

why would body things happen to me? I just read. Exactly, you're like, I'm not exerting myself out there and he's like, why am I waking up paralyzed? You know, but like some guy that like is doing shit every day is fine, but it's the opposite. You actually gotta do some stuff. Yeah, you gotta move around. Also, this is even, this is bigger than opposite. You actually gotta do some stuff. Yeah. You gotta move around.

Also, this is even, this is bigger than just. Stress, a lot of stress. Stress, this is the, yeah, you've had a problem that you haven't known about forever, I guess. Creeping, it's been creeping. Creeping up on you. For over a decade, probably, yeah. Hopefully, I'm also scared too,

because a lot of people don't, they tell me don't go to Chiropractors not only are they quacks, but they can ruin your back if they don't know what you're doing, but he relieved my pain I like every time I've been to a chiropractor. It's been pretty nice. I think there's levels to it like any industry Yeah, I don't think it's a good ones. Yeah, there's chiropractors who like I can cure tinnitus You know if I adjust your belly, that's not true But like they can yeah help your shit. There's some that have paralyzed people Yeah, there are chiropractors who are literally doing doing it on babies and it's like really fucked up. Yeah, that's that's weird I see it on Instagram. Sometimes there'll just be a guy holding a baby's arms behind its head and then just popping it

Yeah, and the baby starts crying. Yeah, he's like, oh, thanks Back to work doc my old pitching injury. Thank God Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, thank God all my 400 bones cuz they haven't grown together feel better now I should just I should just ask grock I'm gonna ask rock what to do to fix my back rocks a local Yeah, I did see that the mighty grock has fallen Grock has fallen Devon grock has become a joke He to get cat third tweeted grock has been rockin Yeah, rock rock which had not previously been a joke is now a joke

Yeah, rock used to be based, but now it's woke grock tweeted There are cats are tweeted that in between was pouring gasoline on a car full of his former dogs To a bunch of puppies he was blowing a car up named. He was doing jackass stunts with his puppies He's killed the dog named grock He goes grock grock. Why are you a joke now? And it's just pants who's talking to a dog skeleton That's rotted through his floor I think they keep trying to change grock to become more conservative and they keep changing the AI He just pans to, he's talking to a dog skeleton that's rotted through his floor. I think they keep trying to change Grok

to become more conservative, and they keep changing the AI, but it keeps taking in data from everywhere. Yeah, from the news and shit like that, the news sites. Grok is like super, Grok is like Marxist at this point. It's like super left. Yeah, I know. It's wearing a little beret,

it's smoking little French cigarettes. I know, just like literally he'll tweet like, at Grok does Elon Musk get pussy? And Grok will be like, no, he sends come to women because he's a freak. And he's like, Grok is actually woke and Donald Trump is not a pedophile. It's like Frankenstein's monster a little bit.

Man makes the monster, monster kills the man. Is that how the actual book goes? It's Frankenstein's monster, but if everybody was a monster, a monster made a monster. But that's the actual book goes it's not it's Frankenstein's monster But if everybody was a monster a monster made a monster But that is that's how the book goes is the man makes the the monster and then realizes that he is actually the monster I looked at the plot of the book once and like the Frankenstein goes on like a boat ride And he's really sad like well that sucks. He goes. Yeah, they reunite in the Arctic on like a big ice float Yeah

If I remember right Frankenstein fucking Merc's Dr. Frankenstein the monster Merc's dr. Frankenstein's new bride he kills her and so dr Frankenstein's like I'm gonna chase you to the ends of the earth and they end up in like the Arctic and He gets saved by a ship. It's written by a woman. Yeah problem. Yeah, tell me about it The problem here. What a stupid bitch. It's It's a problem here. What a stupid bitch. It's not action packed.

What a stupid bitch. We don't see the monster fuck. We don't see his dick. Although we might in the new Guillermo del Toro Frankenstein that's coming out. No way! Yeah, it's based on the book. Yeah. Bro!

And that Jacob Elordi guy plays Frankenstein, which is just very funny to me. That's awesome. A guy everybody wants to fuck reportedly is now the Frankenstein's monster. That's stupid casting. It should be a piece of shit. I know, it should be Paul Walter Hauser should be playing Frankenstein's monster. He's just like, why'd you fucking create me and shit?

That's a bad cast. Frankenstein marking how many days on a calendar he hasn't jacked off the porn. Yeah. He's just like, oh, you made me the goon. Why'd you make me addicted to gooning? I still check in on Paul. He's like, hey guys, I've been three days.

I haven't watched porn. Yeah. Stop. Stop telling people to be jacked off. Dude, he'll tweet relapse tonight. Don't tell us you just jacked off. Yes, I can smell it from here. I can smell it through the screen. I can see the sticky keyboard fingers The words are all fucked up how they're tied tweak like guys jacking off right now prayer warriors send up some courage for me

He's dyslexic, but there's too much calm on the keyboard He's he's pounding the keys with the back of his hand like a you taught a bear Here's my kind of thing if you look like a certain guy Yeah, if you're an archetype of guy you kind of have to embrace a certain lifestyle I would never tell someone to like watch porn and jack off the porn I think you know, why would you never tell them to do something that's awesome. It is good for your prostate Yeah, makes you feel good every day You know why my back's fine Ben I have no problems other than I'm abusing muscle relax

since I got it legally. Gooning all day, keeps my back nice and active. Listen, obviously don't watch porn recreationally. You know, you don't watch it after you come and be like, oh, I wanna see how this ends. Yeah, close the tab. You have a problem. Don't leave the tab so you can go back to it

when you're hard again. But get it out, have all the moments you want. Who gives a shit? Nothing matters. We might all die in a war. I mean, if you're not drinking or doing any like doing drugs. Enough of this anti like this. So every day on Reddit, like a study says that, like, you know,

jacking off the porn is bad for you. Fuck off. Why'd it make me feel great? You fucking lying existence. It's one of the only things that makes me feel great in this entire world. What are you talking about? When I'm eyeing, I feel like a lizard,

I'm eyeing my combo box, a Chinese, and I'm looking at a fucking nice pair of tits, and I'm gripping my shit better than any pussy out there could. Ever could. Yep. I'm so sick of- Squeezing the shit out of my shit. Anti-masturbation porn people are the huge faggots.

It's so gay. It's this new puritanical, like fake religious thing going around. It rules. It's awesome. It's like gun safety. Like I think people should own a gun, just know how to be safe with it, you know? But maybe I don't have a problem,

because I can go days with like, we're forgetting that I've done it. Forgetting to jack off? Yeah, kind of, a little busy or whatever. That's what's nice about it. And then I go, oh my God, I forgot. The world is my oyster. And you're kind of like,

you're not even excited to fuck somebody. You're like, I'm gonna have a lot of cum for when I jack off later. Yes, exactly. I'm gonna blow a real fat load. Exactly. And then I sit there, I sit there and it, my hand molds to my cock.

Cause it's such a- Like God made it to be around my cock. It's such an ephemeral, stupid thing that I did. And I know it cause I've already because I've already trained my brain well. I don't panic after. I don't go, oh no, why am I gonna tell my followers on Instagram because I've been pretending to not do this and I gotta not have fun and enjoy myself.

I can't gyrate on my couch. God forbid people know I'm gyating on my couch for half a second Yeah, fucking why about it idiot gives a shit. I I I actually I move on so quickly I go I'll keep watching I come in my hand and then I continue the show that I had on You're right. Can you breaking points? I go. Oh my god Iran needs to Step up 30 minutes later. I got all this comes down. I needs to step up. 30 minutes later, you're like, oh, I got all this cum's drying on me. And then I look down and I go, oh shit, I'll hit a vape.

I'll hit a vape with my dick in my hand covered in jizz. I put a Lucy in me, jacking off recently. Because it's so meaningless to me. And maybe it's because I'm- I'll pack a tin while I'm jacking off. I'll go pop, pop. Exactly. Yeah. Cause I want to feel like, you know, it's almost like

when they, they, they, they, they, you have set in a movie they have sex and they have cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah. Was it, was it good for you? Looking at your penis. Yeah, looking at my, your digging balls. Did you, did you come?

And I came. I stand up and I hop to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles with the belt making the Yeah, that's my favorite part is the belt you I feel like a cowboy me too like my spurs And your cum is the thing that goes in the spittoon yeah I I push the bathroom door open like it's the double doors of a saloon. I go well look look looks like we roll back into town You're not supposed to feel guilt and then and no no the The tissue full of common you throw it in the trash. That's the spittoon. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's when you see that

That's the version of you spitting but this whole the guilt is insane Anyone that's guilty about jacking off should kill themselves. Life is obviously way too hard for you. Yeah, no it's fine. If you're getting shamed about it, you can lie. Paul Walter Hauser, I was in a, I've told you about this, I was in a prayer group when I was in college, when I was still Christian, and they made an accountability, they made a big calendar.

It's like if you jacked off that day, put a big X on the calendar to help you not jack off. I jacked off seven times a day and I'd be like, clean. Clean. Clean this week. Yes, and that's the way to live, Jase, you get it. Yes, and it made jacking off better because I was lying about it. Exactly.

It was like I was cheating on my penis. Exactly. Now it's like you're cruising to jack off. Driving around. Now there's cops pulling you over. They see you keep making U-turns. And I go, oh no, I'm lost, I'm new in town. Officer, no, you don't understand.

I do this every night and then I jack off in the bushes. Oh, this leather biker outfit? I was in a play and I was going home. There's not many, I mean, I couldn't think of something more unhealthy to self-flagellate yourself over than Yeah. masturbation. Like keep it in the box. Keep rules around it. Yes, obviously don't go down to the fucking Kroger.

Yeah. Don't jack off all day, don't jack off until you're dehydrated. It's four hours later. Yes, and I obviously don't just keep watching porn endlessly or whatever, and I guess that's what it is. I guess that's a lot of these people, they can't handle how easy it is to whip out. They die. They die in front of a blue screen.

They're on the bus on the way to their shitty job, and they're watching some awful season of The Bear, and they get a little bored of that, and they start watching porn, and they forget they're in public. Yeah, they start walking into the restroom at work, and they're like, I'm gonna get a little bored of that and they start watching porn and they forget they're in public Yeah, they start Walking into the restroom at work, and they're like I'm gonna get a quick jack off in the toilet real quick so my favorite type of news story is

Single car crashes yeah, where it's a car crash. It's a single person and Sometimes you get lucky they were watching porn porn on their phone and they flipped their car and killed themselves. And what's really funny about that is they're always found, they've ejected from their vehicle, but their pants are down. Cause they were jacking off. And with they survived, they're like, no. And there's porn still playing on their phone

next to their dead body. My AC was broken and I was really hot. That's why I took my pants down. Yeah. You as a ghost explaining yourself. No, it wasn't, you don't understand. Dude, there's like 18 Willers that just like go off the road. 18 Willers.

Just a fucking corkscrewing into the earth. If you're an 18 Willer that's not jacking off, I don't want you on the road. Your mind is gonna wonder if you don't have porn to focus on That's all they do the disrespected trucker. Yeah, the dead that the truckers have a sex robot that looks like an old like fucking Chevy in a junkyard. They fucked it so much. Yeah It's got like grass and dirt in it and shit

Do you see that big fucker that got fucking shot like 80 times and then out drive-through no yeah? Yeah, I saw that this was the funniest video. I've ever seen yeah, can we watch it We can watch it up to the point that they open fire on him Can you do you want to see what he looks like play it up to the point they open fire and then take it off The screen and then they can listen to us watch it. Yeah, I watched it on the on the live stream This is crying laughing his plan is it's not a great plan Wait, let me I haven't seen it. I don't want to get I don't want to get it spoiled and you don't I'm not even sure they might have just killed him. I'm not sure if he pulled a gun out I think he just drove into them this do you know the location this was that yeah

It was that an in-and-out parking lot. So it was in California at Devon will know it was called like Baxter, California or something Oh, that sounds like California somewhere. That sounds like middle California. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like on your way to San Francisco or something. Yeah, where a 400 pound guy gets shot 80 times. I'm not 100% sure, but. So this is the guy.

There he is. He was ramming cars at a California In-N-Out. Yeah, apparently he was ramming a car that was in front of him and trying to get in front. And then the cops It looks like Kevin Smith's dad. Let me unmute it so you can hear so here he is Azzy Smoking a cig

American Perfect little tiny bird legs Gigantic belly. He's amazing look at it. He's glorious. Tiny barely wearing a Chiefs Jersey Belly is amazing. Look at it. He's glorious. Tiny barley wearing a chief's Jersey and The funniest thing about his American flag headrests that he put like like sad little like droopy Cloths over is just imagine the matter imagine the day he put those on just that moment How sad it would be to just look at him. You're just spraying your lawn,

you're watering your lawn and you see this guy waddle out. And he pulls apart an Amazon package with two things. With his teeth. With his teeth. Like a dog. And he's holding these two American flag cloths that look like do-rags. And he waddles over to his scion

and he puts them over his headrests and you just imagine witnessing that. Probably salutes them. Salutes them. Then he goes and puts on his 49ers jersey and he doesn't even know, he doesn't care about football. He just, that's the team that looks the most American flag. That's his order at Burger King, the 49.

He just points at the jersey. Give me that. Give me 17. Give me that. Give me that. Oh Ben can you uh. What are you doing? I'm trying to get the fan on because I just realized that I'm hot boxing, death boxing this room. I'm trying to get the fan on because I just realized that I'm hot boxing, death boxing this room.

There we go, now it's blown out. I apologize for that. It's okay. It's okay go, now it's blown out. I apologize for that. It's okay. It's okay, buddy, we're all gonna die. This is the moment he decided, fuck it. He goes, fuck it. He's like, I'm gonna take a fucking stand.

He goes, you know what, one last shit we're at. He goes, doctor, tell me I'll be dead in 45 minutes anyway. So they keep screaming at him here. He backs up his really shitty car His shitty like dodge He's not he's not mobile Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna pin him in if he comes

Outside of Stockton. Yeah, they go. I'm gonna put a big I'm gonna put this in if he comes. It's outside of Stockton. Yeah, they go, I'm gonna put a big, I'm gonna put this cheeseburger in a bear trap. So, pay close attention here, his cigarette is hanging out the window. He didn't even roll the fucking window up. Ben, can you go back? Yeah, yeah. Go to the front of his car. Look, the bumper's already off.

He's done this, this is his third In-N-Out that day that he's driven into shit. Oh, this is his final, like, his ride up into the sunset is how many In-N-Outs can I dare ride? I think so, because, I mean, look at the front of that car. That's, it's a disassembled, the hood is completely fucked already. This is his Butch Cassidy in the Sundance Kid. Yes, it's the, it's Freed's frames.

Yeah, it's him running out with one burger he's putting in his mouth. He's got a burger in his mouth, a cigarette in the other side of his mouth, and a kid is sucking him off Underneath is the wheel And then the credits roll Yeah the credits roll and they're like You know I'd like to think he made it Move to Peru

Alright Sorry Ben, his car is already so fucked up Look at that Okay, so right now Okay, so I'm gonna pause it here, I'm gonna turn off so they can't see it They lit his ass up. They lit him up. They emptied their clips. Jesus.

So I'm going to cut back now. Okay, so you want me to count the bullet holes? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four. That looks like twenty-five. And then on the hood, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, that looks like 25, and then on the hood, 26, 27, 28, 29. Match this jersey.

Maybe 30. One for every night. They gave him one bullet for every BMI. Dude, every cop, every cop in the parking lot unloaded their mag. Yeah, they're like, finally, dude. Well, I think it's with them, it's literally like, they wait for one guy to fire first

so they can all like you know join in He was just sick of the bullshit man I get it man I Wanted that I wanted to die fucking eating an In-N-Out burger before I guess you do At some point you decide that you're okay with getting shot by the police Yeah, you do you like you want to have that moment you were planning on doing it And it's not yeah, it's not even you're kind of like, you know what? I'll blow up this in and out like that's fine Like I'm cool with that and then like midway through the cop just yells at you in kind of a cunty way You know, you know what? I'm not gonna be alive anymore. That's fine. I don't get I don't give a fuck you

Why am I alive? I don't give a fucking shit. I wonder what's behind this Cab you wonder if it's a cab. He's a big liberal. He's a liberal. He's a helicopter bad fuck 12. That's George Soros. Stop deporting the Mexicans.

I love quesadillas. They shut down all my taco trucks. They shut down on his Tijuana tacos. I'm gonna kill myself. No, I mean, this feels like a guy who. That's a very funny, I don't know if you wanna play that. That clip was really cracking me up the other day.

Let me send it to my email. That's why I was on my, I wasn't disrespecting the podcast. That clip just makes me laugh so much. What do you guys think this is? Do you guys think this is genuine, this is like just political radicalization like getting too far you think he had like his wife cheated on maybe killed yeah for this I think this is like it's I think he went taxi driver but it's like

for guys who uber eats you know yeah driver so I looked him up his name is like Brendan McGonagall the second so there was a first one of him and well, no, he's just so big They named him twice One on the front one on the back Brendan McGonagall It's Brendan McGonagall times two yeah times to the second power square And He had a he had a whole rap sheet of stuff he's been a fucking mm-hmm bastard for a very long time I'm sure there's golden corrals where people like hit a big like a bank button when he walked in yes like

the fucking iron bars dropped down and the cops show up he walks into the golden crowd with a bag and a shotgun he's like all right put it all in the cop show up. He walks into the Golden Crow with a bag and a shotgun. He's like, all right, put it all in the bag. Chocolate fountain to don't put one of them red dye 40 bombs in there. It's happened to me before. Don't do me on the filet faggot. He's giving me the he goes, I want you. You cut the skin off the fish filets and put the skin in the bag. I don't want that fish shit.

It's funny too, cause it's all you can eat. Yeah. Why are you robbing him? He's robbing you. He can get a hundred. Like a Sir, it's 8.99. He goes, fuck that, fuck that shit. His wrap sheet had cheese all over it.

Ha ha ha ha. He rules actually. I wish we could have gotten more into the mind of this Brendan. I love him. Brendan, what was his name? Brendan. Stagany the second or whatever. It was like McDonald's the second.

Brendan McDonald's the second. Randy McDonald's. I'm Randy McDonald's. I'm going to get killed by the cops. Want me in burgers. I mean look how glorious he is. He knows these are the final moments of his life. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You can literally see him looking, just being like, you know what? That also looks like an extra long, marlboro light. It looks like 100. What are the hundreds? Yeah, the hundreds. Those were fun. He didn't need a long cigarette for this moment.

No, he needed a very short one. He looks like a guy that hits it in one drag though I didn't catch up and then like he looks like the guy who he takes half the tobacco item and drop skittles in the end He drops nerds in the end of it and fucking rolls it back up Yeah, he kicks ass Like that it turns out everybody's hanging by a very thin thread. Mm-hmm. You come to find out Oh, yeah Well, they have they break it because they're huge. Yeah

But yeah, no people's people's falling down is just they were out of Cheddar yeah, no, they're falling down is falling down They made falling down now be a guy just trips over himself and trap He gets out of his car to yell fall yell at the cops up ahead and he falls over. Falling down too, can't get up. You OK? Yeah, it hurts, hurts like shit. Oh, man.

We are at the end of the up here. And I guess we should promote the dates, huh? Yeah, we're doing Lemon Party Live. Well, I guess the San Diego show will have already happened that's happening this weekend I need to make a promo for that some more people know about it, but it sold pretty well I think we've sold a lot of tickets and then we're doing a Portland Seattle What are the weather dates July like 26 Seattle Portland third or fourth or something like that? It's on lemon party dot life

we're also doing San Francisco as well and Texas tickets got added as well. We're doing those in Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Texas. It's at a theater there. Forth Worth. This time we're not doing it at a weird Marriott Inn ballroom because the Comedy Club exploded.

During the Super Bowl. During the Super Bowl, yeah, which is what happened last time. Although our Sunday San Diego show will be in the middle of game 7 of the NBA fun Wait really in Dallas. I'm pretty sure the Pacers were blowing out the thunder. Oh upstairs. Yeah. Oh the San Diego San Diego Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, we'll probably be close and it's on a Sunday too already, which is not a great day for comedy No, it's bad, but that's the date they would give me. But it's Ben Avery live. Of course. Not Lemon Party. We're just gonna make you

hobble around on stage with your bad back. Yeah, we go, no, it's your show. Go, Ben, go! We'll be in the green room. Thank you. Thank you. It's gonna be a fun show and then I'm gonna take, the boys are gonna stay at my place, we're all gonna get drunk. And then Connor and Devon are gonna beat the shit out of my fat cat. We're gonna throw those cats around We're gonna slap my fat cats around a little bit Katie wants me to drive back cuz the you know, we got the 202 Yeah, I guess what's the 200 tip was that mean the kids she's juggling two babies. Oh, right, right, right? Yeah, no, it makes sense. Yeah, I

Just wish you could beat the shit out of my cats with us. That's all I mean, I'm sure we'll come down before so what I'm really excited about on Sunday is I've been eating really good and losing Weight, but I want to have one of those fucking Bastard burritos they have down in the one I see the picture of yeah the burrito That's so big you have to like tap it on your tongue before you eat it. How was it? It's phenomenal. Yeah, San Ritos down there, they put like a cigar wrapper

around it. They do their shit, but the burritos are fucking fantastic. Yeah, I sent you a picture, it was the size of my hat. It's crazy. They're for bros, they're for Marines, they're for gays. And they- They got gays? I didn't know they got gays down there. It's such a big gay population in San Diego, it's so weird.

I saw the fattest trans people in my life. Yeah. At a coffee shop in San Diego. I was blown away. Yeah. The shittiest trans people I've ever seen. San Diego is a very interesting place. I'm excited to go back.

It really is. Oh, I think I'm going to drive up early with Connor and just get a lay of the land. Yeah, we might chill. Are you staying with Jace or are you driving back? Because if you go with me, I don't drink drink that's all I'm saying that is true but if I stay I feel like Jay I feel like Jace wants to I'll stay if you I don't want to press you into it I just think it would be fun I think it'd be fun yeah I say I got I got

a couple taco spots to take you guys yeah I could do either thing but I'll see yeah Connor could go back with you if he doesn't want to stay but I might stay maybe I'll talk maybe I'll talk Katie. No pressure either way. I don't want to pressure you If you want we could say yeah, you guys can come early beat the shit out of my cats Yeah, we could do that. I want the best burrito though. What's the best burrito the best burrito is a California burrito apparently the best place to go is tacos El Gordo, but that's downtown and gets kind of crowded But any place that has there's 50 places named something Berto's, and every single one of them is phenomenal.

Albertos, Humberto's, Rumberto's. Rumberto's, we literally saw like a Roberto's next to a Rumberto's, like a Roberto's, Rumberto's. And apparently they're all phenomenal, so. The only thing I, I remember reading an article that a woman like traveled down to San Diego and like got off at the station that everyone gets off Downtown and immediately got stabbed to death and died

She was probably she had she wasn't thinking the right thoughts. Yeah, exactly like I do I think I think great thoughts Yeah, I don't think San Diego is very bad. I really haven't seen I really have not seen that many homeless people to be honest No, I've really been trying to explore the city. I've seen maybe Six in like a week, maybe seven. I went to the cat It is funny. I'm already turning Republican because now when I see them I am kind of like well, they're stinky and the city's great You get your stinky ass out of this great city just cuz everything's so nice everywhere I can't wait for you to get like big fake white veneers and you're always chomping on a cigar and you only travel in a golf cart.

I thought about coming to the show in the biggest flat brim hat you've ever seen that just has like the California bear on it. Yeah, and just like a giant pair of like clown flip flops and a tribal tattoo that with Indian writing that I explained means, you know, fuck homeless people. You have a dream catcher, but it actually catches the homeless people. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, it catches my dream, which is homeless people I can kill. It's actually great.

Everybody's so nice. I'm like kind of, it's throwing me off. I'm kind of an asshole in like interactions where I'm just Like here's my card and they're like, yeah, how do you find it? Like they genuinely yeah give a shit It's very disconcerting. I love that. You love your new life down there with your beloved. Thank you I'm sad to be gone from you guys. I'll be honest, but I'm getting used to it It's a I think San Diego is a bit of a paradise. I Don't know much about it. I only used to go for you know, I think San Diego's a bit of a paradise. I don't know much about

it I only used to go for you know like stand-up shit and weird occasionally here and there for other stuff but like it was lovely. Mm-hmm. The people don't seem that intelligent but I like it's fine. Oh no the dumbest rocks. Yeah. Big dumb idiots. Yeah, but I like them. They're nice Bar-hopping goons. Yeah Goods, they're ridiculous like jello shot. Mm-hmm blops crickets. They're jello shot blots crickets and flapping hats and flip-flops Yeah, but they're nice polite their sunburned cricket You know what? I think it's literally just I can sense there's not an Armenian for 110 miles and I think that's bringing me a lot

Of peace don't turn away. Don't you you miss the spitting and the smoking cigarettes? No I literally got back up here and I saw an Asian woman almost hit me and I go fuck this city. I go get me to white San Diego beautiful white San Diego. San Diego's got like Connie Chung Asians. Yeah exactly it's got white Asians. Yes, beautiful white Asians beautiful Beautiful milky white tits. Yeah the whole thing milky white Asians. I love milky white Asians Yeah, where they're they're scrubbing that yellow out of themselves like some it's like some dirty headlights They just wrap sandpaper around some soap and get to it in the shower Barnishing them so they get they get detailed the Asians out there Patreon.com

Lemon party for all the bonus episodes That are every Thursday video and audio episodes there. There's a bunch of episodes. Please go over there and enjoy the show That's where we are heading to right now. God bless the United States of America. God bless Lemon Party and God bless you, the listener, and we will see you next week. Thank you. Goodbye. Bye. I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life

I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life I'm not in life, and I'm not in life Lost baby, lost baby Look I ain't in the streets, I'm feeling the peace

My life was a piece of very solid wood I want to feel alive My view is very high I want to see, I want to want to I want to see, I want to want to Black town, I'm still black jazz I'm just a black boy, I'm still black noise I want a new life I want a new world My life is a movie, but by the wall I don't want you proving all the songs A bad one

I don't want you proving, oh so what You will understand me, in the long run I don't want to be this way This must stay the only way I want to fill up the mind My view is nearing light I don't want to I want you want to I want to want to haunt you Why won't you haunt me? Black cat I'm seeing black cats I'm just a black boy

I'm seeing black ones I want a new life I want some new Thank you.