lemonparty - 144: The Perfect Jean

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

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I I'm on that hype being always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of both of them. Order it right now. Yeah. They were like cleaning the kitchen. Was I eating it like a complete swab? Yes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

You turned the burger sideways somehow. I have no memory of this. That's really, that's a scary, scary thing in life. Scary thing? Scary thing to not remember. Anyone could have done anything to me last night, and we did I wouldn't know My pants are on you pull me you pull my pants back up Testing this is

testing Standing in a corner. Testing, this is soy face. Testing, soy face. Soy face, hey everybody. Hey, comedy, all right. Comedy, here we are. We're on the road. We might be drunk. It's the road. Hotels.

We got headphones. All right, cities, rooms. Cities. Rooms and cities. Going to places. We're in a place, yeah. Living a transient life One to check just not that's the thing is it's there was a black lady in the lobby earlier And she was being real we testing check one to test

Check one to hear well Shout out to aendejo Time. Jake, Jake, you want to plug because this is your mic. These are your microphones. You've been opening on the road. You want to just plug at the beginning. Thank you guys for watching the show. You like to watch. Check out Pendejo Time podcast.

And thank you guys for having me on the road. Thank you, Jake, for everything. I love you so much. Thank you, Jake, for everything. I love you so much. Thank you, Jake. It's unfortunate what you did to that waitress last night. Jake turned into a butcher last night. Jake, I had no idea you had that in you.

We had to pull him off. It was crazy. I know, it was like a football. Pants down, middle of the room. Sometimes you need to check your recording. Just make sure it's recording. Yeah, it doesn't die. It's on like 40%. I know it was like a pants down middle of the room It's only 40% are we on yeah, yeah, we're we're on Okay, I like when you go over I Don't mind it

We've haven't we haven't had a hard out at any of these shows. Who cares? Go over. That's the thing about a hard out. You know, it's like what they give you the light. Do you got to get off? Yeah. Or else the club won't book you. If you don't get off when they give you the light, they'll give it again. That's the thing. This guy brought this record here. Check him out.

Oh, hell yeah. Very cool. Thank you to everyone at the Portland show. Yes. I can't believe anyone showed up. It hell yeah. Very cool stuff. Thank you to everyone at the Portland show last night. I can't believe anyone showed up. It was packed. That was insane. Yeah, thank you to all the white Nazis who drove out of the woods. People were bringing me pipe tobacco.

People were bringing you mushrooms. I have them right here, buddy. I just took some. Excellent stuff. Criminy. These are criminy mushrooms. I can't take them on the flight tonight, so I took some now and we'll see how it goes.

Could be a horrible decision. A guy who looked exactly like Wes Claypool gave you those mushrooms. He looked like Primus. He did, yeah. He was a human embodiment of a comic book store. He goes, hey man, I've got a federal offense for you right here.

I go, can I take these on a flight? He's like, yes, put them in your bag. He goes, put them in your bag. He's like, fucking ruin your entire life. He goes, you can check them like it's like it's a thing. You go up to the front. I have mushrooms, magic mushrooms in my bag. So just I'm going to check this bag.

And they go, OK, sure. Yeah. They go, this is Portland. Laws don't exist up here. It is. This place is like it's mentally homeless Even the people working at places seem kind of homeless Everyone's so strange. I like kind of like it though There was a schizophrenic lady in the lobby of the hotel Yeah

Schizophrenic lady and they were doing that classic like like I like I would I imagine a Portland thing is where they were being very They were being way too patient with her. They were being very kind and like, you know, asking her if everything's okay. And she was just running around in circles screaming. And she was like, don't put your fucking hands on me. Exactly. But they were also doing this. They were there being very patient and kind, but while leading her into a van. Yeah. They were like, it's okay. It's okay.

And they were like getting her in a corner so they could put like a big glass jar on top of her and take her outside. Yeah, we were videotaping. Are you listening to that on volume? She's watching Family Guy clips in the corner right now. Jake's watching Family Guy and Connor's asleep on my bed. I was literally playing with my balls, watching Family Guy fucking Maze Runner clips,

just being like boom, boom, boom. I didn't even sleep in my bed last night. You had the broom all alone. Yeah, I did. I Connor raped me last night. You know this? I went. Have you heard about this? Devin fell down the stairs of a comedy club and hit the door. Like it was Devin. No, no. I heard it. I was on the other side of the car. You heard it? You didn't see it. Devin fell down and he scorpioned on the floor. All fours.

Yeah, he went he landed on his head and his legs curved backwards like that. Yeah. So he fell on his face and then like he like tried to recover by standing up really quickly, but he just catapulted his head into the door. It was incredible. Dude, I thought I was legitimately like, oh, we're Devin died. Like, we're going to have to like we to have to call your mom and be like, yeah, we were at the waitstaff, gave us a lot of drinks and Devon's dead now. What if I went to bed and I died?

Like I had a head injury? Am I dead? Yeah, we wake up and we're like, where am I? We're like, oh, Devon, you were crazy last night. What if this is heaven? I wake up and this is heaven recording in a hotel room. There's still black homeless people in heaven. Your heaven is recording a black homeless woman freaking out in a hotel lobby.

It was also funny, we went outside because we were also hungover and then we got coffees. And then you just kept telling homeless people to go into the hotel lobby. Yes, I was, because, I go get in there. There was like, I go go, it's open. There was like a homeless Chinese guy, he's like, dude, what a bathroom in there, and Deb's like, get in there.

Go man, the bathroom's wide open. The guy even knew, he's like, I don't think, Deb was like, get in there. Get in there. Get in there. Like your coach, sending him into the game. Get in there and take a shit on the floor. Use my key.

Come on, let's go. Everybody, come on, game time. Game time, everyone do fentanyl, take shits on the floor, rape the staff. Let's go. It's fucking Portland, baby. And then we went back inside and we ran into two of the security guys.

We were like, did you have to deal with that crazy black and they're like, they're like, which like they were like, didn't know which one we were talking about. Yeah. There's a far side fat guy in the lobby. When I came down, he's like, are young ladies having an issue? She's having a little bit of an issue. Just we asked that you use the back right now. And I look outside and there's a black lady on her back

being put on a gurney, going, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's like, they're like, they're dealing with a tic. Yeah.

They're like, stand back, sir, we're gonna pop her real quick. We're gonna burn her off and pop her. She'll give you lemon-lime disease. And then I saw you guys, it was like, and you go, it's been going on for an hour. Oh yeah. You guys have been down in the lobby for an hour.

I feel like we were gonna go. She's climbing the walls like it's hereditary. We were gonna go back up to the hotel room and then that started happening. We're like, well, we're staying here. It was also funny, she kept freaking out. She's like, I have a right to be here. Do not put a hand on my body.

And then Devon was just videotaping her on his phone. And then she thought, very nice. So then when I stopped, I stopped taping it. Yeah. And I was and then she came over to us and then they're they're cornering her in front of me and Connor. And I'm so hung over. Nothing's real. She's like, she goes, please film this film this.

I already did. I'm posting a story right now. Hold on. I just have to send some dates out. I know she thought you were like a total ally. She's a total out. I totally am. I should move here. This city rules. Every street is named after black people.

Mm hmm. I haven't seen a black person. We're on the corner of MLK and Billie Holiday Street. Yes. Which is crazy. Yeah. Every fucking then there was a what was the Rosa Parks? There was a park. We like Rosa Parks Boulevard. Yeah, then I'm almost got killed in Chinatown last night Yeah, I'm walking through with these I knew I know that's what you do late at night

You get activated like that way you go to Chinatown knockout then 80 year old Chinese ladies Then drives around Chinatown like Javier Bardem. Just shooting homeless people and birds. Did you know that Rosa Parks had a car? Rosa Parks did not have a car. Her husband had a car. Are you serious? Her husband had a car.

It changes everything. Of course it does. All right, put them back in the back. I didn't know this. Do you think her husband made her sit in the back seat of her car? He goes, he goes, honey, get your dirty hands away from me. Get your dirty hands in the back. I accidentally I went to get pizza and then I got voodoo donuts

and then I'm walking through with these donuts and it's taking me across the bridge. And I start to see Chinese lamps. And I remember everybody keeps saying, don't go to Chinatown. I'm like, well, those are, that's, I'm seeing Chinese stuff. We asked, we go, where's the, cause we got here, there was nothing. And we go, where's the like freaky shit?

And they said, go to Chinatown. This is great. We could have our Shane moment right now. What? We can make it right now if we say, Chang. I see a whole future in this. It hasn't worked 40 times in the past. We're almost there.

This is like the groundlings of UCB. We've said it before, but tonight's the night. This is the new pathway to stardom. Yes. It's like the groundlings, UCB. Put the fucking Changs there. Did I make it? You wake up the next day with you have like a billion followers.

Yeah, you wake up on Rogan. Like, oh, hey, what's up, Joe? Yeah, but you, so you're walking. Oh yeah, so I'm going through and I see like, I'm one homeless person and then two and then three. I'm like, okay, this is like nothing. And then I see the horde. Yeah.

The capital H. The wasp. Dude, I see the hive. The capital H. The wasp. Dude, I see the hive. Yeah, the wasp nest. And just a lady who unfortunately looks like, what are you doing? You're on mushrooms. You're acting crazy.

I want a vape. You're crazy, you're doing this. You're signing for a vape like a newborn that wants a nipple. It's like a homeless hooker. I'll gum you for five dollars. Let me hit that vape, I'll give me shit up. You're so hungover.

I'm so silly. I couldn't think last night. It was it was so fun waking up and you I knew you would have no memory of last night and you're like, what happened? I was like, oh, buddy, you raped like one of the fans. Yeah. You think about comedy. And I woke up, Jay's gave me intense anxiety.

He said I was being really weird with like a female fan. I was like, what? No, she's so sweet. I thought I was just being kind. I was like, I was like, Maddie, you got handsy with her in the car. It's like I'm like, it's all right, buddy. I smoothed it over. She's not going to talk. Sorry that Portland can't deal with the real me. Letting it out. I love this city real me. I'm letting it out.

I love this city. What a piece of shit it is. I know, it is so funny, white people are just getting bullied everywhere we go. I know. It's very embarrassing. It's run by, it's like one full over the cuckoo's nest. We went to the breweries,

it's a bunch of guys who look like Brian Posey playing Settlers of Catan. Not speaking. Not speaking to each other. Yes. Unbelievable. They're wearing shorts made of dried come They knit come We're like screaming at each other and you can see them being like, oh, they're probably homeless. We should leave them alone

Yeah, yeah, nothing wakes me up more than a good riff with my pals That it does We're killing it right Speaking of guys that make fun of everybody Matt Stone and Trey Parker and Water they've never dealt with this before the Republicans are pissed off You've lived your life Ideologically in such a retarded way that you get to the point where you hate Matt Stone and Trey Parker. You should kill yourself at that point.

You're upset at South Park. If you've ever been upset at South Park, you kind of are, you're finished. Your soul is left. There's people legit posting like South Park was great until they made fun of one thing I liked. I haven't seen the episode yet. Have you guys seen it?

I've seen clips. I don't watch clips. show like Trump's penis and stuff Right is like a little they show his little tiny dick his little tiny penis. Yeah Well, then that actually helps him though, cuz that means that he didn't He didn't fuck the children that bad, right? You know, it's funny would Republicans like it if they showed Trump's naked body and he had a huge cock on him Like he's beautiful huge 12 inch penis. They're like, fuck yeah, make America great again. Would that help pedophile claims?

Would people be like, well, he's home. He couldn't fit it, it's not gonna fit in. Stormy Daniels said his penis was big. She said it was small. No, she said it was, no, no, no, no, no, Devan, she said it was average size, but he had a very big head. She said he was like a mushroom. Oh, okay. He had a mushroom penis. He's got a toupee on him. Yeah, exactly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Trump's penis I'm gonna be fair here yeah I'm not filibustering or anything for him right now I'm just saying a big head can go a long way I mean Devin you

yourself you just Devin you you have a bag of a you have a bag of mushrooms yourself over there I mean take a gander at it no Devin no Devin Devin chill Devin chill Devin you are gonna come down from a mushroom high in the airplane tonight. You're gonna be going crazy. Devin, you're gonna go like, you're gonna go like nightmare at 30,000 feet. It's Chinatown.

It's Chinatown, Jack. What if we, you do so much shrooms, we lose you in Portland, and you just get sucked into the homeless population? They taste good. They're stinky. Cheesy. I'm not giving you your vape back, Connor. You work for me now.

Take your vape, scumbag. I'm kidding. Oh, God, I hate. Jaysh, we do ads. Oh, yeah, sure. You're a beautiful, beautiful man. You're tall and handsome and you look like lead singer of ACDC. If someone stretched him out. When I cast him as George Hitler Floyd, I said,

this was the perfect guy. We gotta find a nice, good looking guy. A guy who looks like he dies in the beginning of The Revenant. You know? Face down in the mud. A fur trap or who gets an arrow through the head. He's like talking to Leo, yeah, so I went down.

Yeah, arrow through the neck. And you're still trying to. You look like you have a Native American child that you're keeping alive. Well, any guys, that reminds me of the perfect gene. They're great genes. Just wish they would stop interrupting our show. I know, but you know,

that when we love them so much that we have to say, finding a pair of jeans that fit, it'd feel like an impossible task. Luckily, the perfect gene makes it easy. I'm gonna watch porn on Twitter real quick. Yeah, can you show me the porn while I read this? Hold on, I'm watching quick. Yeah, can you show me the porn while I read this? Hold on, I'm watching porn. Yeah, can you show me gay porn on your phone?

Devin's watching trailers for porn on X. Devin watches coming attractions before his porn. Devin's porn has Maria Menounos doing trivia. You're sitting down at Maria. Maria Menounis is going Gianna Michaels once banged over 20 Mexicans in a single room What is that? Nice Jesus oh that sucks in the black community fuck you. It's a tiny black penis. He just showed us on his phone That's gotta be the tough That is

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They're the perfect jeans to jack off over the top of because they just slide smoothly Penis 100% yeah, I love it You could pull them off really quick and do whatever you got to do or leave them on and like rub your dick up against A fan that you met at a show last night the perfect gene They allow you to perfectly do bad things. I tailor the jeans. I can fit in AK 47 on this side. I remake 10 870 on this side.

Or 57 back pockets for grenades. So if you're trying to turn a church into a massacre site, I can I cannot wait to get the feedback on this The hell has ever bought anything from a podcast anyway, yeah perfect jeans buy them faggot They've also got actually people show up to the show they go. I used your promo code all the time Yeah, they do well for the for the addictive substance. You're just blacked out. You can't get addicted to jeans. I'm blacked out. Yeah. You know what Ben? I'm gonna take more mushrooms. Devin no! Devin no! I'm in heaven! I died! Well you knowvin, you know what's just like heaven. They're

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So it's finally time to stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans by going to the perfect gene dot NYC lemon party fans get 50 I Know Devon good. I think I checked the tie started timer on my phone. I was like what are we? I was like four minutes fuck What's it's probably all the the mushrooms in the It's crazy how much time we've done. It feels the passage of time is so interesting. Well, it's probably all the mushrooms in the massive hangover.

Portland's crazy. They just have like, I looked outside, there's like a RoboCop shooting a black woman in the head. Like a lady was doing this in a Denny's and a robot came out and just blew her head off. And they just went back into a car and said. They're only cops with the door dash robots. I can't take that! The coolers with wheels on them.

The coolers but they have gatling guns on them. Yeah, and they just go... Um, so Lemon Party fans get 15% off your... You know what's... This is the best ad of all time! You know what's also funny, I realize you have to keep the copy on the screen the entire time we're doing this. That's 15 percent off your first order plus free shipping, free returns and free exchanges when you use code LEMON15 at checkout.

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I know I am ready for them to send ads. That's like if you're a disgusting little like if you're an Israeli pedophile, buy the perfect gene. So that's it. The ads over. All right. Now let's get into the show for Christ sakes. Ben, come on. I know you got some stuff to talk about. Oh, Ben, you didn't talk about your bridge encounter. What happened? Oh, OK. We were starting to talk about that.

So I have the donuts and then I see I'm walking through Chinatown and I see Chinese stuff and I'm like, that's a bad sign. Not only because there might be Chinese people around, there might also be, so then I see the horde appears. I see the horde. And a lady who, Devin, I'm sorry, but unfortunately, she looked almost exactly like Wanda Sykes. I wanna-

So she looked like a black troll stall. She looked like she'd been electrocuted every second of She looks like you could see her skeleton flash every once in a while Wanda psych meds She was just like no one else you got donors and then the horde descended on me and I was just like here here I wanted the doughnuts so bad. I was them so bad. You said they ripped the doughnuts out of your hands and they were going up They're like did you get the little voodoo man doughnuts at the yeah I got one of the ones called like the grape the grape grabber or something okay well that's the grape grabber you took

something called the grape grabber into their skid row no they got them they could smell them yeah they're like you got the grape grabber let me grab that Grab a great grab a great great great. Great. Hey, everyone. Portland's are Southern. I love Portland. Give me that great grab a. So then I got so that got through the whore and I was like, that was kind of insane.

It was like 50 homeless people that were just crazy. Right. And then I have to go across this bridge to get back over the river to get to the which apparently it's a bridge from the movie with Angelina Jolie Foxfire or whatever the fire movie where she's a firefighter climbs the bridge or whatever I don't know remember it's a piece of shit you what kind of what movie is this where so Angelina Jolie is a firefighter I think it's I don't know

They might be salt. I'm walking across the bridge and in front of me. There's a lady She's walking like this with a shopping cart and she has crazy insane pink hair And I'm keeping my distance from her because she's going slow and then every like three minutes. She would stop and just tear it up. And look back at me, insane. And then just tear it and go, beep, beep, beep, beep. The slow train going underneath the bridge. Yeah, but she looks back and she's like, this is really fucked up, right? Like, I used to be somebody's daughter.

And now, now my soul's lost forever. I used to be somebody's daughter. And now you can fuck me for a nickel. I once had a room. Can you then can you show them the lady that we ran into who showed us her ass what she did? Oh, Connor's been doing the impression. Can you do it? Can you do it?

Please get a giant ass giant ass. By her she made eye contact and then just, as we pass by she went like this. Stuck at her huge ass. Just probably being like, you wanna fuck my ass? Like fully, like looking over her shoulder. Oh coy. She was doing like a, like yeah. It's literally like how animals like fuck.

Yeah. Which is like presenting for us. They're animals. Yeah. They're animals. They should be put down. Dude, at 3 AM, especially going across the bridge. I get angry on mushrooms.

It's like, kill them all. Yeah, you're like, kill them all. Kill them all. You know, you're like, yeah, Devin's like holding a leaf. He's like, I just realized we're all one except homeless people. Yeah, Devon's like holding Leafy's like, I just realized we're all one except homeless people. Dude, they're like a virus on this planet. And I'm the fucking malware.

Going across the bridge, dude, I felt like I was in a racer head. The crazy industrial still, the rust, the just insanity. What if you're walking across the bridge, the lady from the radiator just walks out and starts singing to you just big big cancer cheeks she's pushing the shopping cart of eraser head babies I have 30 erase head Maybe not even just one fuck you can fuck me I could have raped her to her fault Yeah, you start raping and she goes taking them big big boy by the way, you know, it's crazy These are really tall bridges. They have no barrier from you jumping over what they are. Oh, they're absolutely.

They're hoping they're hoping they fall off. Yeah. And they keep the homeless right by the bridge. So they're like, hey, anytime, you know, it's on us. Yeah. Take a tumble. Go and you go way down. It's it's and the barrier is like it's a foot tall. I swear to God. Yeah. It's like that tall. Oh, yeah. As you're walking beside.

All you have to do is just this. Mm hmm. You fall forever. No, there's probably cops that like at 3am they walk. They're like, you know, there's like liquor bottles over there. That's a big, that's a big. You want it? You want it? And he just pulls up a string that it was tied to. Just to get it. He takes a bullet. He's like, oh, oh, oh, to another one.

You know, the river's vodka. Get in there, jump. You know, the river will cleanse all your pain. It'll take it away. No, but you do, you do actually feel bad for anybody who has to enforce anything here. It's like, it's like insane. Young ladies having just a little bit of an issue outside.

If you could just move it along. Sure. And I was like, you're far side fat and you're fucking gay. I'm going to get coffee with my racist friends outside, faggot. And then I turned and I looked at the black lady screaming, I went, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, you go, my life's so much better than yours. I'm just so like it's sensitive and crazy. You fucking liberal piece of shit. I get caring about people and it breaks my heart too.

But seeing the white guy being like, hey, everybody, please step into my reality and pretend what's happening isn't happening. This is just a young lady having a little bit of an issue. A little bit of an issue. She's having a bit of an issue. A little bit of an issue? She's having a bit of an issue. A little bit of an issue, really sir? Sir, this is sojourner truth.

This woman's been cartwheeling through your lobby for three hours with a machete. This isn't a little bit of an issue. Sir, this is a higher agency, okay? You think we don't know how to deal with the black schizophrenic woman. We go, we tried, listen, we tried shooting him, it became became a whole thing if you're a black person here and you're homeless You really fucked up

Because you could take everything from these. Oh, you can walk into somebody's home and just be like get out. It's mine Dude, I gotta say the horde of homeless people downtown was the like the first time I saw black people Yeah, like the blacks are homeless here. They're not they don't they're unhoused. Yeah. And next to the voodoo. What? It's true. It's like segregated.

It's segregated. The blacks are homeless. The blacks are homeless. Do you want me to say African American? That's crazy. And they were all African American. They might not be from Africa. That is there are a lot of them are from Atlanta. I call them native Americans

It's very very good been because they're colonialists. That's all the homeless black people are in Chinatown for a special reason to play the like getting spit on To clean themselves the Chinese it's a symbiotic system where the Chinese step out at 6 a.m. when they open the shop, they spit on the homeless people and then they wash themselves. The Chinese people are like that little shrimp that lives in a whale's teeth

and picks the fangs out of it. But they're that for the homeless population in Portland. What's up, my dude? I'm fucked up. They're little shrimps. Little shrimps. The Chinese are like the little shrimps. It's like imagine a little shrimp. population in Portland The Chinese are like the little shrimp it's like imagine a little imagine a little shrimp smoking a very long cigarette picking food out of a homeless Guys, you're just krill krill krill are the most inconsequential thing on this planet. That's what change They're the they're the bird on the back of the elephant. Exactly. It eats bugs. Exactly. Devon, thank you.

See, Devon gets it. I get it. You don't understand. You're not being compassionate. You don't know about nature. You don't know a thing about nature. The clubs though, next to Voodoo Donuts, all Hispanic. All like, and that was refreshing

because they were outside and they were screaming and having a good time and fighting and yelling At each other which we haven't seen the whole trip the homeless or the no no the Latinas Latina's were outside and they were going crazy listening to loud music having shots and they were fighting and joking with each I was hearing people which which is it like is that laughter which is it heard anyone talk? Yeah, because we want you keep saying it's a non-verbal city Yeah, we landed in Seattle and we drove down the poor land and you just feel like the white people here have just been crushed by Apologizing for like five years people just don't they don't speak they don't talk they don't they don't make eye contact

They don't know how to like no one's a man or a woman. So they're terrified of being like, what's up, dude? Yeah. Hey, man. I mean, Ben was really nervous about this. The lobby of the I misgendered. Well, I properly gendered properly gendered, but you were worried that they would be like, no, I'm still a woman, even though I have a beard because I've seen that, too. Like, don't gender me just because I'm trying to pass.

Exactly. She was a person. She had Jack Black surgery downstairs. Or yeah, her her name play just says Tenacious D. Mr. Tenacious D. By the way, do you guys remember the story that we heard last night from a sweet lady at the show? What about the is it still recording, Jake?

The homeless person person the homeless lady Who was in the car in the morning in the parking lot? You remember that story. Oh that the guy You tell you remember better. Okay, I don't know if you remember this I don't this woman told her she came down and there was a woman in the car and She came down and there was a woman in the car and goes, Oh no, there's a homeless person in my car and like opened the door to try to get them out. And there was like, remember the scene in Dumb and Dumber or the best Dumb and Dumber movies? Exactly.

The best it is the best Dumb and Dumber when Harry when Harry met Lloyd is the best Dumb and Dumber movie. When it wasn't the character, Bob Saget's The Goat. That was Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels were doing it. Cause they made another one that didn't have them in it. It was called Dumb and Dumber too. When Harry Met Lloyd. When Harry Met Lloyd. No, I like the one where they're kids.

Yeah, that's when Harry Met Lloyd. And remember Brian Posey is going, mm, mm, suck it. Yeah. Oh, it's a great movie. It's a great movie. Yeah, yeah. I haven't watched it since I was 13,, it's a great movie. It's a great movie. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't watched it since I was 13 But it's a great movie, but anyway

I think these racist bitches put something in my coffee. There is like a lot of disease and they are they are racist here By the way, but only against whites It's it's so you, Jake. Jake doesn't believe in white genocide. What a fucking idiot. You just wait. It's coming for you. He doesn't even subscribe to pine sap. Substack this guy and he thinks he's in the loop.

You're not a Jubilee guy. You know, you don't like spy versus spy You like Medi? Medi-a-san? You like that guy? He should get the fuck out of our country He's smarter than me And that scares me I hate him It scares me. I call him muzzy-a-san So it's so good. We don't live here. It would turn us into fucking monsters We're just too contrarian.

Living in LA is like enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Jesus. So then we, so she opens the door to the car. There's a lady who lives in Portland. Homeless lady sees it, the entire windshield is brown. Right.

Like there's like corn and shit on the windshield. It's everywhere. It's in the vents. It's everywhere. It's in the vents. It's crazy. Bits of like nuts lodged in the air vents. It's insane. Yeah. Yeah, there's the turd in the cup holder.

Like it's a Snickers. You're trying to warm up in the sun. Somebody weaved a turd. They weaved a turd through the steering wheel like they were locking it. So they couldn't steal the car. Yeah. Like one of those big sticks you lock onto your steering wheel. So then she was like, Oh no, like, please.

She was like, this is like trying to do like the this is fine. Yeah. Homeless people. I'm OK with this. I think I personally privilege. I would love it if we could move you shitting somewhere outside of the vehicle. So I need to drive to a needle exchange to give them $900. So that would be great.

It's so funny to like come out of the woods to go into a car to take a shit. Like I need to shit. Like I need to get out of the woods so I can shit in a Honda. People here leave their homes to go take a shit in a car. So then she's trying to get the homeless lady out. Yeah. And the lady goes,

she reaches down between her legs and she pulls a bunch of shit out of her ass and then puts it in her mouth and goes and just starts eating. Starts eating the shit in front of her. She pulled the turd out like it was a gun, but then she put it into her own mouth. She just blew her head off. She started eating her own shit in front of her. I mean, that's just so dark that you can't even joke about it. It's evil to joke about it.

We would never do that. Nothing to say about that. That's like the best comedy there is, is what happened. It's so funny. That's why I had to tell this story. It's the greatest thing of all time. That's insane. There's been so many great when we were in Seattle that that black Dancing guy that we saw I think has been my favorite the Gremlins to the new batch. Yeah, the new batch guy Yeah, he was on the street. Just we had like big green wig on

And then he would stop every once in a while like a squirrel. Like a. But he was just, he was on the corner. He was dancing like one of those like dancing Santa robots like your mom had. Yeah. But I don't want to live in one of these like cities

in the South either where it's just a concrete jungle of like McDonald's and like Exxon's and like shopping malls and shit. Yeah. Like I don't want to live in like, you know, something like that. I know know it when the return to tradition and like let's shit on the right here for a second Sure, the return to tradition guys me and Jake talk about this all the time Every time they talk about like this is what America could be if you kicked all the minorities out and then they show us of the most liberal town in New Hampshire

It's always that they show that picture. They never show like a place in the south. Yeah. It's always like one of those. You can find my. We'll let Jake live out for his. Yeah. Well, it's so it's always the most like literally like like Bernie Sanders town in Vermont, where they're like, this is what it could be. And it's a bunch of blue bloods or it's an AI generated video of like Elizabethan France yeah modern tuxedos because the AI doesn't know what it's producing so they're like if we if we

got rid of all the Mexicans my wife could wear a dress or it's the like this is what they took away from you. And it's a woman with the biggest tits you've ever seen getting fucked on the hood of a car. When they do, when they, they put these compilation videos and it's like a hundred million Americans. Right. And it's literally like seventies left wing counterculture. It's like hippie girls. And they're like doing the homeless lady thing where they're like, and then there's a flowy dress and like a black guy walking down the street. But he's like, it's like that's what you want.

Yeah, I thought you wanted them all gone. They act like immigrants killed tips. This used to be where they love the city, Sweeney with the new American commercial really playing into it. It's going to be a little much. It is a little much. Yeah. Also, she only has so much time before she's worthless. You're right.

She can get the work done to get them, keep them up. Who knows, but right now her claim to fame is they're completely natural and perky and awesome. And that only lasts so long. And if we see one bit of cut, one bit of scar tissue on that. She's kind of like our Jane Mansfield. A little bit.

Yeah. Except we've seen her tits 500 times. You know's kind of like our Jane Mansfield. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Except we've seen her tits 500 times. Jane Mansfield. What? Jane Damnsfield. Take some more of our truth. We are here tonight, folks. A lot of white people here tonight. Now, a lot of people in the comments now, Devan,

will be saying and thank you for appropriating. Of course. I love it. I support it. I'm giving you a raise. Thank you for appropriating. Of course. I love it. I support it. I'm giving you a raise. What are you doing?

What are you doing? That's pod. What are you doing? He's going to kiss you. He's going to kiss you on the mouth. You're a vibe right now. I love you. I love you so much, buddy.

I love you. I'm leaving you out. I love you, buddy. We kissed each other like eight times last night. I know, we did. We kept hugging. We go, I love you, buddy. We just give each other little kisses on the forehead.

So now I want to let you know, about 20% of the comments are going to be saying, we're coping, because we're describing the horrors of a Lib City, and that we need to go live in the country. Oh, right. Now, can you, Devin, they're going to say you're coping, majorly here. You're a coping Lib, we're signaling to the Libs right now.

We're shitting on it. No, but no, would you please, do you wanna defend living in the country, going out to the middle of nowhere? You wanna? It's fine if you don't wanna live a life. I would rather put up with 40 minutes of traffic and insane people to get to the fun place

than be like none of that's around, but there's no fun place. I do have friends who live kind of very rural. I'm gonna move back now. I have friends who are very rural and they often beg me to move out to where they are. Which tells me that they're just. Misery loves company.

They're lonely. Yeah, they're like. People that post this up, misery loves company. I don't beg people to move out. Ben, it's literally like a crab being like, hey, you should move back to the bucket. The bucket actually kicks ass now. You like got out of the bucket,

you gotta get right back in brother. The only thing that kicks ass to me about it though is you can have that Zelda life. What do you mean? We just have like a little fence and there's chickens running around. You just go outside and then like you're under a tree, like a hobbit, you know, like reading a book.

You're sitting on a tree reading a book, it's a beautiful sunny day, your kids are there. And then you look up and you're under a tree like the Hobbit. Yeah, yeah. Like reading a book. You're sitting on a tree reading a book. It's a beautiful sunny day. Your kids are there. And then you look up and you're like, I want to blow my brains out. I could not be more bored. Thank you, Connor. No, it's just the pool of life.

Like everything, you got to choose your misery. Like wouldn't I just be, if I went to the country, I would just be online there? Yes. Devin has that joke. He goes, I don't understand the point of the country I would just be online there. Yes, like Devin has that joke He goes, I don't know understand the point of traveling. I just watch Netflix over there Most traveling for me in my life has been that I guess HBO Max is different in Rhode Island Like River we went to Boston and we got to the Airbnb and then we just put on the town

We saw ourselves in the background of a scene We're like, this place is probably around here. Who cares though? We were right next to it. We were right next to it. We didn't care. We saw ourselves in the background of a scene. We didn't see any of Boston. We saw ourselves in the background watching the town on Netflix. We have no interest. We go to New Mexico and go see Eddington and then leave. We also do my favorite thing where every city,

when we're on tour, we set foot in. We landed in Washington. And we were walking around the airport, and we're on tour, we set foot in. We landed in Washington, and we were walking around the airport, and we're like, wow, this is a beautiful place. And then three minutes outside of the airport, we're like, fuck this place, it sucks. I'm so done with this fucking city. Yeah, there is something about the beauty here.

You're kind of annoyed that the trees provide such good air quality for these things. Didn't you feel like it was, so we went to Twin Peaks, we went to the diner. Thank you guys for humoring me and getting the damn fine cherry pie. Yeah, we went to we went to Tweed's. Tweed's. So now and Devin was very mad about the mug situation. The mugs are not diner-y. They're black.

They were black. Ikea mugs. Ikea mugs. They suck ass. Did you look at the other tables? They got nice big red mugs. Oh, they got black mugs. They hated us. Did you look at the other tables? They got nice big red mugs. Oh, they got black mugs. They hated us. They must be Israelis. It's Israeli owned. David Lynch's diner is Israeli owned post death. Welcome to David Lynch diner.

They're giving us like a sandwich with a big bomb inside of it. But did you guys feel like it was very evil? As pretty as it was, does it feel evil being surrounded by the mountains of trees? There's a dark vibe out here that it is palpable. But in kind of like a fun way, like we were driving. But we were like, we get it, we would live here.

Oh, it's beautiful. Seattle's amazing. I wouldn't live in the city of Seattle, I don't think. Live across or whatever, but it's so pretty. It's great up here. It's so beautiful. So pretty. But it's beautiful, but there is like a, like we were driving to Portland and we're like,

oh, I get why people see big Sasquatches and UFOs out here. You start manifesting that stuff. Yeah, it starts like, it creeps into your soul a little bit. That's why everybody's like on fucking heroin out here. Heroin and pills. And fucking mushrooms. And fucking mushrooms.

It is, imagine of being home. Like, how are you homeless here? Like, get a tent. And there's a ton of camping. Call out a tree types of nature. Just go live, call out a tree like a damn woodpecker. Live in the tree. That movie with the fucking the guy from Hell or Highwater.

The other guy. Oh, Ben Johnson. Yeah, Ben, whatever, whatever. He has that movie where he lives. I think he lives in the mountains of Portland with his daughter. The other guy? Oh, Ben Johnson? Yeah, Ben whatever. Whatever? He has that movie where he lives, I think he lives in the mountains of Portland with his daughter. Yeah. He's like a veteran and he's, yeah.

And the government tries to take his daughter away. They try to take his daughter away. You could do that here, just go camp. I know. Ben Foster. Ben Foster, thank you. Ben Foster. But imagine the homeless people. Foster Fries, hey!

The boy! The boy that encapsulates my soul. Foster freeze. Hey, the comedy. The void that encapsulates my soul. But imagine those homeless people go out to the woods to try and live, but they're still they're just standing next to a tree, but they're still going like, screaming and thrashing. Now, do you guys remember the guy, Jake, remember the guy in Idaho that like he was like two weeks ago with this with the sniper? Can you break down that situation?

Because you said it actually gave you hope that you can really didn't he draw on a bunch of cops and shot them all and started a fire and he killed two firefighters? Now it filled you with hope as a communist. So this guy where we are. Yeah. So this guy sets a fire and he gets to the fire department to come out in this small Idaho town. And then the fire department comes out and he goes like straight up fucking John Wick mode and he's in the trees and he's just sniping sheriffs and like the fire. He's killing the firefighters. He's killing everybody that's stepping foot in his zone.

OK. So he like starts this brush fire. But twist and turns. They found out the fire. He's killing the firefighters. He's killing everybody that's stepping foot in his own. Okay. So he like starts this brush fire, but twist and turns, they found out the motive. He was a Nazi and he did this because 20 years to the day that he did it, the the local police as an exercise, they went and burned down the Nazis like training shed. They had the shed in the woods where they would just like play guns with each other and cops and robbers and like judo toss each other Let's jack each other off and so they burned that down and that was that guy's dad's white power shit So he was like, I'm gonna get my dad. I'm gonna do what? Yeah, yeah, so he killed a bunch of police officers, but it's pretty sick Like the enemy of my enemy is my friend type deal. You know what I mean? Yeah, he was like a discord groomer Nazi guy who like loved Femboys, which is awesome.

Which we love. Which is awesome. Listen, if you're racist but you like Femboys, we like it. So he starts this fire and you know, do I like that he loves Hitler? No. But he was blowing firefighters' heads off. Yeah, boom, boom. The firefighter shit is a little crazy that's insane. That's crazy. Like what did they do? They put out hell. Oh

I was gonna tell you been I just read this in the news The US Treasury Department is now accepting Venmo and PayPal payments from citizens if they want to help pay down the debt You can Venmo the Treasury Department. Like, yes, it's real. You could do like, Clarno. No, you can just pay that you can say, here, I want to help pay down the debt. You can Venmo the Treasury Department. You Venmo at Israel and send them all your money.

Can I get Benjamin Nannyahu's QR code, please? He has an Amazon wish list. Yeah, he's got a wish list like an E-girl. Yeah. Yeah. It's just his real IDF on there. Yeah, you can buy Benjamin Netanyahu like a butt plug with a raccoon tail on it off his wish list.

1,800 for dinner. Overnights are extra. Yeah, Netanyahu's like, he becomes like one of those NBA groupies with like the long nails. He goes, Netanyahu's down to the All-Star Game. And he's like, yeah, he's texting like, he's texting like Luttrell Sprewell, like, daddy, I need some more money.

And Nannyak is poking a hole in Bradley Beal's condom. He's go-girding come out of Yannis' condom into his ass. It's, he's trying to get pregnant with a gigantic biracial baby. of Janis's condom into his ass. Trying to get pregnant with a gigantic biracial baby. Bleeding Zion Williamson. He loves Zion. He loves Zion. He's like, Zion, daddy, I need more money for an abortion. Oh, he nails so long, he just has to do this everywhere he goes.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, that kicks it. Yeah, that kicks it. Yeah, fuck Israel. So you just Venmo Venmo to help the deficit. Yeah, it's amazing. It's unbelievable. That is crazy. It's unbelievable. It's such a cocked. We're so finished. Everything's in every.

Why is the right so sensitive? They're not supposed to be sensitive. They're supposed to be the party that like it doesn't. We talked about this. But then you got the left No, no, no come I'm not mad that you're talking just don't they can't hear you The the fucking the thing we were talking about were like the new personality is to be as adversarial caustic and evil as humanly possible It'll be like we're to deport your whole family. I'm going to rape you.

I'm going to kill you. And then if somebody's like, you're fat and you should kill yourself, you're like, I don't know what's happening to my country. Why is everyone so mean to me? Literally all day, you get the blue check so you can be the first reply that's like a kid that's crying because his mom got tackled

by like five fat ICE officers. And you're like, Fay Faux, get out. And then someone like doxes you and it's like, you're a fat piece of shit, I'm going to kill you. It's like, I can't believe the left, they're out of control. Well, Jake, I have a good counter to that. Those people are white and they should be respected. So it's different.

Jake, sorry everybody. We apologize. Jake's slimming out a little bit. I don't have time to edit that out, but just fast forward. Yeah. Just tap the YouTube video twice, skip forward 30 seconds. We should put a version out on Patreon that's white praise only.

So it's like 40 minute episodes where we cut out all the white shitting on white people. Yeah, it's like a double album every week. It's like we have the clean album and the dirty album. I can't believe they're so sensitive about Trump having a small penis on South Park. Yeah, they're gay. They're gay guys. The episode like showing him like like saying he's a pedophile and stuff like that. He's in bed with Satan. They're doing the old Saddam Hussein thing.

Like he takes off his pants. He's got a tiny dick. He gets in bed with Satan and they're just like I don't know That bass really is pretty finished. Oh, yeah, they're pretty gay and they're actually woke You can waving a big flag like they put flags on their dually then it's the big come and take it Yeah, it says you can fuck my it says it says come and rape us. Yeah He's like you can you can fuck my it says it says come and rape us. Yeah He's like you can you can fuck my children You can give five trillion dollars to Israel Brother you better feed a gardener to an alligator

Brother Brother on the week Hulk Hogan died Hulk Hogan died and in his honor, I think you should feed the ayatollah to a big gator died. Hulk Hogan died. And in his honor, I think you should feed the eye of taller to a big gator. Just big fat red bellied guys slapping his belly, getting his dually with the big coming rape me flag. His pirate ship on his truck that he made to drive down the highway. He gets these guys who like get a Dewey's with like MAGA flag pirate ship cars. Yeah, blasting down the highway. Those guys rule slapping his big red belly. belly he's like I could use a serious cup of mud brother did you see

that video of the it's the ring doorbell and the title is black woman tells contractor she doesn't want to work with him because he has a Confederate flag on his truck and you can't see the truck but the contractor gets out and she comes out she goes I'm not comfortable with this. Please get out. I'm not willing to work with you because of your views or whatever. He's like, oh, you can't really hear. And then he gets in his truck, which you can't see. And he pulls out and he has two flags on the back of his truck,

the size of a car dealership, like American flag. Yeah, like the giant ones, the size of a football field with just the stars and bars. And he just like fucking rubber smokes out of there. I thought it was gonna be like a small Yeah, like a little emblem It's like a 40 foot flag That's it makes me you seem to ride on the highway and you see their cars getting whipped to the side Cuz it's fucking it's fucking the aerodynamics up They're like that what they're fucking

They're like what they're fucking do the fuck fuck and that's a shame what they're doing to this fuck country again getting pulled into ditches and shit I know it's so stupid. It's so stupid. It is crazy to have like racism flags, like your team just won the finals. What's the explanation? They don't say that it's a racist flag. No, it's about heritage of owning black people. Tradition, yeah. Right, Jake?

It's the Confederate flag, they say it's not about racism. It's not, it's more like it's like it's about grits and right. Biscuits. It's like you see that flag, you know, fried chickens. Good. Hey, I see that flag. It reminds me of America. I made up in my head. We saw that we saw Confederate flag. I mean, it's funny. We saw one in the on the way in Washington. On the way in here.

It's like this wasn't even part of anything. But there's like there's there's like, this is the area where like all those guys were like robbing banks and shit to like fund white supremacy domestic terrorism. Yeah, yeah. Back in the day. No, I mean that's the Northwest. With like Timothy.

Chalamet. Hutton. Yeah. The Oklahoma City bomber, Timothy Chalame. Yeah. McVeigh. McVeigh. Yeah, McVeigh.

They were, they helped, he was a part of that, I think, at one point. Yeah, yeah, they were like. He's invited to the cookout. All I know, baby, is McVeigh invited to the cookout. Come over here, you crazy white cracker. Yeah, we got some mac and cheese, some collard greens greens and a bomb.

You know Mac, you know MacVeigh, he's always bringing 800 pounds of fertilizer to the cookout. Oh man, that's MacVeigh with his van full of cow shit. Don't let your kids around MacVeigh, they gonna be blown up. He always bringing bombs to the cookout. He's crazy white cracker. Crazy as hell, McVeigh. That crazy white boy. McVeigh, how am I supposed to cook 2,000 pounds of horse shit? You crazy ass motherfucker.

Crazy cracker. You crazy cracker. They're eating ribs like, look at their big. Yeah, look at their big. He's a crazy cracker. Crazy cracker. Yeah, look at the big cracker. He's a crazy cracker, but that boy can sing. That's the thing about McVeigh. That boy can sing. He got soul.

Brother, he's a crazy racist cracker, but I saw him on a mic do some Keith Sweat. That shit went hard. McVeigh, you can bring Richard Snail if you want. I'm picturing McVeigh in the front row of a black church now. Just sitting there very calmly. Yeah. Yeah, just sitting there like...

Just eyes like... Like shaking like red. Oh happy day. Oh happy day when Timothy McVeigh blew all those kids away. We have a very special brother present in our congregation today, Timothy McVeigh. Let him hear it brothers and sisters. Let him hear it brothers and sisters.

McVeigh's on a very special mission from God to blow up a preschool. He's wearing a Steve Harvey suit. Who was the other guy that was with him? I don't know, I actually don't. Another famous name. I need to know more about the OKC bombing. There's a great doc on HBO about it that I watched a while ago.

It's every all of the info has left my memory, but it was good for that time period that I was watching it. That hour and a half, I was distracted from life. I just know there's that black cop that said it didn't go down like they said it did. And then he was Terrence Icky. Terrence Icky. Yeah. And, you know, sorry, man, like he was found in a field like head cut off or something. So he was Jake, correct me if I'm wrong here. I believe he was stabbed in his car or he was he shot himself in his car.

This is their story. There's blood in his car. He crawled out of his vehicle, climbed a giant fence, crawled all the way out like a hundred yards into a field under a tree where he stabbed himself again and shot himself again in the head. And he was the sheriff that was present. He was the first guy on the scene. Like he was the first guy there. Totally different story, like he saw multiple people. He told his wife, he was like, he came back crying

and he's like, it's not going down how they said it went down. It's not going down like that. And then like two days later, yeah, he had been... No, the official report is that he committed suicide in this two days later, yeah, he had been, he executed himself. He committed suicide in this fashion. Yeah, yeah. And they said in the, I think they said in the report, Terrence Yeekey went all the way out into the field

under the tree so he could die peacefully. That's what they said. That's why he climbed a farm. Like an old farm dog, he climbed up under the porch and stabbed himself 45 times to die with honor. He shot himself in the head. Shot himself. His non-dominant hand.

His non-dominant hand, just like my old dog Bo back on the farm. Well, typical suicide, he chopped his head off. Yeah, opening and shutting suicide, he put himself in a big guillotine. Chopped his head off, put himself in a rug. Typical suicide. And then shot himself into space.

Typical black ass suicide. Always showing off. Always showing off. Showboating. He wanted to die under the stars. Looking up. Looking up with his head exploding. At the Milky Way.

Yeah. Which his brains do look like now. He wanted to die looking at the Milky Way was his favorite candy bar. Milky Way. We all know black people love Milky Way. We all know black people love Milky Way. That's me starting new racism.

I go, we all. Do they like Milky Way? Yeah, they do. Of course. We should embed new racism that we all I could know. Yeah, they do. Of course, me. We should embed new racism that we make up into your head. Why can't the government pay us to invent like new stereotypes about races? I think they might be through the patreon. Who knows?

They might be like 12 donors or something. Doesn't make sense because the patrons probably too big for the size of the show. Right. Exactly. So I think I think we got a, you know, the CIA in there having some new racism. Although we're getting tons of plays on Spotify now, which is crazy.

Welcome all new Spotify listeners. Welcome. Welcome. Spotify people. Folks are commenting stuff over there. They're commenting, where's the show? I can't find it. Jason's in blue this episode. Devon's not read. It's great stuff. Can't see it. Can't hear it. They're commenting that also on Spotify. Yeah, there are there are guys who the episode comes out in blue this episode, Devon's not red. It's great stuff. Can't see it, can't hear it.

They're commenting that also on Spotify. Yeah, there are guys who the episode comes out and they're like, okay, commented, can't see it on the YouTube, commented, you can't see it on the Spotify, let me open Apple Podcast, one star review, can't see it. And then they just eject the bullet from the chamber that they have hot in the gun,

and then catch it and put it in their body. Not today. Yeah, they catch it hot and then they smoosh it into their face so it burns their cheek a little bit. Oh, they've already fired the round? Yeah, they fire, they go, do, do, do, do, do, do, and then they catch a round and then they smoosh it right into their flesh.

It just goes, shh, it just sizzles. But this is the end of the episode here. We do have to get on the road and go to San Francisco. We love it. We're going to do an episode now with Pendejo time, with Jake on his Patreon and stuff. But real quick, though, patreon.com slash Lemon Party for bonus episodes.

Thank you to Connor's been amazing opening the featuring for these shows. Jake's been party for bonus episodes. Thank you to a Connor's been amazing opening the Featuring for these shows Jake's been great opening the shows. There's so many tickets in Portland. We were blown away Yeah, we sold like 200 tickets in Portland like it was crazy We were gonna be happy with 50 tickets sold I went into this trip like Ben's a fucking idiot I would go to the Pacific Northwest. We don't have a single fan They're gonna kill us but people have been fan. They're going to kill us. But people have been crazy. They've been so thankful to be racist in a safe space.

Yeah. So here we go. And then so many gifts and everything. Everybody's been amazing. So thank you, everybody, for actually coming out. Thanks for the pipe tobacco that gentleman brought me. I can't wait to smoke. He brought me like a 15 year age 10. Like unbelievably kind people.

Some very troubling people too. Sure. Jacob Davis. Love you kid. My new best friend Jacob Davis. I got his number. Great guy. Great man.

The best. He was at the Seattle show. What a wonderful, wonderful kid. Right. He's probably 40. No, he's 55 years old. Great guy. I was just making sure Devon's mic wasn't too low. Wonderful kid right? Yeah, I do 40. No easy is 55 years old

great guy I'm just making sure Devon's mic wasn't too low Devon. Can you give me another check? Hello now that the show's over No, it's good. Okay Okay, we're good Yeah, I don't know if I think we're at an hour here. Maybe we Yeah, I think I think we need to do like a few more minutes to hit the hour. I could read the ad again. You are at an hour now. We could go all night.

Well, Jake has to get to the airport, so we have to record it up with him. Real quick. Oh, they delayed your flight. How much? Eight. Hour and a half, that's great. I guess we could do another five, 10.

Yeah, we do another hour and a half You just refuse to put the mic down Delta Delta. Here we go Delta Lounge Yeah, we can We can go do the I wish you right now I would pull up a fat guy But I have a couple fat guys on my phone that are really good. I have a new Like retarded guy, but I'm recording. Could you just describe them to us very vividly? What if we have to go back to like, it's like the eight where I just have to print out photos and hold them up. Yeah. Like we're, I have a Manila envelope.

Look, we're trying to find a serial killer in the 1980s. Like this gentleman, his name's Brian retard Johnson. He eats 12 voodoo donuts under the bridge in Portland every day. I did also like just the image of you got the little voodoo donut guy where it's shaped like the little man, so there was probably a homeless guy who picked up the little voodoo donut guy

and just started eating his belly out. Well, he probably used it as an effigy of my corpse. He'd be like, this is that cracker there, and he lit it on fire and held it in his hand as it's burning. It was I'm walking across the bridge. I start disappearing until his hand was just like a little bit of like bone and. Yeah. Now, we're going to I will say San Francisco takes the cake for the craziest. Sure.

And then it's L.A. But Portland, you guys. Portland, you do a great job. It's a great start. It's a great. They're they on to something. They have a hoard They have an I am legend hoard in Chinatown and we yeah, and I and I gotta say we rented a gigantic SUV from Enterprise, so I think we might drive to Chinatown and go like snowplow mode. Yeah We're gonna put on the big cow guard they put on trains back in the day, and we're going to go crazy taxi mode. We're going to go GTA style. I wonder why that lady ate her own shit in that lady's car.

Like, why do you eat your own poop? Is it like, bill replacement stuff? Like, it's like, swim fast? It's like a self-sustaining, it's like, yeah, it's like, soylent. It's one of my favorite things about you you always ask like sincerely like why would you do that well why would you turn yourself into your own human centipede right like also my own lips to my own it's just I love the idea of like you actually get to talk to her and she's like oh so this was like a

complete misunderstanding if you hear my side of things like actually makes perfect sense that I ate my own shit then you see guys who are like Andrew Huberman? adjacent monk types where they're swirling a wine glass of their own piss and come and drinking it and being like here's actually while I Will live to 110 years old. Yeah, yeah, cuz I drink piss. Those are those are guys with schizophrenia who never lost all their money That's like the only real difference. I think those dudes love to get hard in a room. Mm-hmm with each other They just they get hard and touch tips that bald guy with the big beard I'm gonna talk about drinks piss out of a Champagne flute and he's bald and they get hard together and cry and they're monks

He's like me and my brothers we to to reaffirm our no, this is a real good. This is a real guy He's a you if you saw him, you'd recognize him. He went kind of viral shaved head, gigantic beard. And he's always posting videos on Instagram. He's like, what's up, guys? We just had a great men's retreat where we recharge our masculinity. Me and my brothers, we all pissed in a jar. We were we were jerking off together.

We all we all came at the same time and touched our tips while they were wet. Really lean guy. We fought for turrets out of the toilet huge gigantic gigantic like the blue alien guy had yeah, I mean he's just like, yeah, we just drink our piss and jack off but like for masculinity because it recharges us as men like as the ancient like Roman soldiers did back in the day.

By the way, I heard, speaking of nootropics, we should start doing creatine for focus. Is that a thing? I thought that was a bodybuilder thing. Yeah, I think it's just for your body. I heard creatine, yeah, that's too. But it was like a Twitter account by a crazy guy, I think. But yeah, it's good for your mind. Maybe I'll start doing that. You should do creatine and not work out You should do creatine helps with eating food does it help a plantar fasciitis

Creatine yeah, you know after I have a Taco Bell, yeah, then you know the best thing for your bad back would be bulking without lifting weights your bad back would be bulking without lifting weights. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe he's becoming a metal slug guy. Yeah, they're like in order to save your back you turn you into a slinky. That's how you get around your house. It is amazing you have the same injuries as a former NFL player, but you've never done a thing. I've never done a single thing in my life. I know, you should be one of those guys who holds his hands up and his fingers are all bent the wrong way from helmet on helmet,

finger smashes and shit. Yeah, I need to be on, like the way LeBron's on steroids, I need to do that for sitting at the computer. Rugby when Kobe has the broken finger. Right. Like Ben did- You have a personal trainer that comes over. Ben did the blue sky episode with a broken hand. You snap your finger

back in place while you're jacking off. You injure your finger jacking off. The guy runs in, he checks on you, snaps it back in place. Yeah, between, yeah, in the off season, you're putting your hand in rice buckets so you can type more. So I can scroll faster? Yeah, you're doing like Rocky Marciano training. So you can look at more fat guys on the computer.

Like a Burgess Meredith, like, you're going to eat shit and fuck shit, kid. And so, my fellow Americans. a Burgess Meredith like you're gonna you're gonna eat shit and fuck shit kid anyway folks patreon.com slash lemon party that's been the episode thank you guys so much and we'll see you next week love you love you guys appreciate you for coming out When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside You gotta take the stand, it don't have to hide If you hurt my friends, then you hurt my pride I gotta be a man, I can't let it slide I am a real American

Fight for the rights of every man I am a real American Fight for what's right Fight for your life I feel strong about right and wrong And I don't take trouble for very long I am a real American Fight for what's right, fight for your life I am a real American Fight for the rights of every man I am a real American Fight for what's right, fight for your lives Have you hurt my friends? Have you hurt my pride? I gotta be a man

I can't let it slide I am a real American Fight for the rights of every man I am a real American Fight have a right to every man I am a real American Fight for what's right, fight for your right I am a real American Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins Be true to yourself, true to your country

Be a real American