lemonparty - 148: I am going to f*** the Moon

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

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Say that Yeah, you like my outfit, don't even make the deal, I thought you said you had so girl I'm on the light Be you're always in my face, talking listening, girl I'm like that. Say that again, Jay, please. I was going to say maybe reading is the real punk rock. punk rock if you think about it like punk rock that's biased oh readings gay

I'm all about punk rock punk rock is bad oh I gotta do you really every time I know they don't they haven't seen anything lately those people died they're all in big iron ones they're like bubble boy yeah they're all in big uh big uh vertical tubes

with liquid green liquid in it hooked up the pipes just floating in it yeah they're being used for like a like a fetal pig study in like a biology class yeah sprayed full of antibiotics yeah yeah that's what we've got to a place in culture where we're testing weed killer on humans first to make sure it doesn't it doesn't kill corn so we don't run out of like signing up to be a lab yeah yeah so we don't run out of cool ranch Doritos this winter we don't want this to destroy the corn nuts It's tested out on Jimmy. Ah, he died.

All right. Back to the drawing board. I was reading about how Cuba has a vaccine for lung cancer. Every day on Reddit on science, there's like they just, they found it. It'll stop all like tumors in your brain. And then I go, right. Well, then release it. They go, well, actually, that lab just blew up.

That lab exploded randomly. Every day I see that. That they basically cured another type of cancer. Yeah. Cuba has the lung cancer thing. I've literally seen articles that's like Israel has solved dying. Like, you can't die anymore. Yeah, you just kill everyone else.

That's their strategy. That's what they've solved. I've literally seen ones where they like you, they figured out you don't need to age if you like take in pure oxygen for like an hour a day. Like shit like that. You're like, is that? Yeah. Is any of this real at all?

Mm-hmm. Everything is real, Jason. Don't you forget that? Yeah. You're my strongest warrior, Jason. I need you to go insane. Okay. For your country, sir.

Devin, you go crazy too. I want you scrolling. I want you dopamine stacking. I've evolved with it. It's like a fin. I figured it out. I think there's a real future where I look like Tolstoy and Devin looks like Trotsky. And we're kind of insane.

And we both have an armful of papers that are falling out. And we're just like marching through the city, like screaming at people. And if anybody listen, they'd be like, oh, these guys are actually brilliant. They've been touched by the lightning tip of God. Yes. But we're just, we're shitting ourselves. We look like crazy. Russians in the middle

of like Echo Park Lake I've accepted the schizophrenia I try to work with it become one with the schizophrenia yes you know I'm always making I'm always in favor of things that that ruin you from within on the show I'm always like enough

porn is great watch porn play the game on your phone scroll I'm starting to get to the porn where I'm like okay you can watch porn but you got to go outside and lay in the hammock that's the I go you can watch porn you just got to do it while you're on your walk yeah get some sun. And I go, you know what, I do feel better as I'm watching, you know, the best

tit blow jobs compilation. You want to Wim Hof breathe while you watch that gang bang. Watch the sun rise as Bonnie Blue buffers on your phone. Get that sun right into your eyeballs, right into the back. I go 30 pounds in the backpack, 30 pound weights, I'm going on a hike. Yes, sir. I got Google Glass with assholes. You know what I do? I do. Andrew Huberman's whole bullshit, like apparently the minute I wake up, I'm supposed to run outside like some sort of psychopath and stare at the sun. I sit in bed

and I go, alright, the human thing and I go to I go to YouTube and I go sun rising and I just look at my phone. Do you hold it like an edge from your eyes? Yeah, go come on, be happy now. Aren't I happy? Am I happy yet? I've literally done that where I've woken up. I'm like, I'm so sleepy

and I pull up my notes app and I turn the brightest all the way up. I go, come on. Come on. Come on. It kind of works. I'm like, oh, there's that sickly energy. My phone gives me that sick uranium energy.

The vaccine for the lung cancer stuff in Cuba, you can't get it here. Because they're still testing it with the FDA and everything. Sure. And it kind of slows it down in late stage. There's two of them that they actually have. I looked into this vaguely. It, like, slows it down and, but we're, Regardless, the thing I found funny about it is in Cuba, they tested it by giving some people the lung cancer vaccine, and it worked.

But obviously, with test groups, you always need the placebo, and then they gave it to the placebo people, and they died of horrible, and the other people, like, were fine. Yeah. You can't, is it allowed to give, I don't know, it's a lung cancer, a placebo to people with lung cancer? They're like, this test group, we're actually just giving them sugar pills. But these people are getting chemo It's not only allowed It's not only allowed, it's required You have to do that But I thought they start with fucking rats

They do and they go all right Half these rats died Now let's find some Cubans Find me some sweet old ablalas to lie to And have them die Rats, monkeys, Cubans And then eventually it gets to Los Angeles, California You gotta wait

Yeah, but by the time The vaccine's been changed that it actually speeds up lung cancer? Yes. You, like, die in a day from it? There is, like, isn't lung cancer the weird one where it's, like, like, 60% of the people that don't even, like, have never smoked through whatever?

Like, it's, like, a lot of people just get it out of nowhere, right? He got lung cancer, never smoked a month later, he's gone. No, he smoked for, like, 30 years. That's what, he got, he got it. He smoked for, like, three decades. Mom told me he never smoked. She lied to you. How did you find out he smoked?

I was, I was smoking with him. We'd hang out at his house and, 40, you'd be like, go out and get me some reds. As a little fat kid wearing big Tommy Bahama shirts and Maui gym sunglasses. Dressed exactly like Tony Suprano on vacation, but I'm 12. If you're 12 years old, 350 pounds, wearing that stuff, and you brought out a pack of Marlboro lights and started like hitting it. Yeah, yeah, packing them.

Just smoking, pulling one out in front of your uncle. I literally should have. You gave him lung cancer. The way I dressed, I should have pulled out some Cubano's, and I go, if you can keep it secret, I got these from a pal. You're smoking cigars at 12? At 12, and I go, here, use my cut it. And then I'm punching a little hole in it, line it up.

And I'm like, I got this Lefroid from a sales associate. It's really good, 12-year-old. Drinking chocolate milk from a flask. Yeah. Chocolate milk on the rocks. With a lemon. I think, by the way, that era of our life, both of us thought Pith helmets were very cool.

Oh, yeah. And I think they still are. Yeah, they rock. Charles Mingus, you know Charles Mingus, the Black Saint and the Sinner Lady? Oh, I thought it was a jazz player. That's what I said. Oh, okay. Well, that's his album.

Oh, I didn't know the name of the album. I think it's called The Saint and the Sinner Lady. It's very good. Yeah. You probably wouldn't get it. Because it's about what? Bible stuff? No, it's, well, there's no words, obviously, because it's crazy ass.

It's heroin jazz. It's crazy. I sing over jazz. That's the thing about me. I try and figure it. it out when I play jazz in the car I go yeah and then we do that we went down to the punch we're at the party we're at the party all right slow down there mingus mingus there's this great video of mingus by the way real quick norman rides his kid is named mingus ridas yeah found that

mingus redis yeah anyway move on that's just a ridiculous name that's very funny yeah mingus mingus ridas it's like your kid is thurman merman from bad santa and he just went to jail for like sexual assault or whatever yeah mingus oh what a dingus mingus is dingus pangus that's what i'm on the i'll be killing show this my son dingus mingus friedish anyway sorry there's this fantastic video on youtube of charles mingus and he's giving a tour of his apartment and there's just there's trash it looks like joey's apartment yeah but he's a genius there's heroin needles everywhere like on like on every seat like when you're trying to keep pigeons off of a bus His furniture is anti-homeless.

There's boxes everywhere. He's digging through the trash and he pulls out a Housin Nagant, which is a World War II sniper rifle. It's a bolt action. 7.62. And he blows his head off. He said sniping. Is it sniping Hussie? Rooftop sniping? In this like, harmless little YouTube duck.

He shoots up heroin, loads his rifle. Kennedy. Kenny said or said, I'm allowed to do this because I'm a genius. He's on his back, climbs the fire escape. It's like GTA. That's something you don't know about yet. I'm going to get the woman with the groceries. You can go next.

You know, killing the seeds is kind of like jazz. You don't know I fucking hate white people. Fucking white devils. I fucking hate NPR. I always play my goddamn music. Fuck these Jews. Sorry, man. Oh, well, you know, he pulls out a rifle, and then he's, the reporter standing there, and there's a camera.

It's some black and white. I don't know what year this was exactly. But then he just, he points it up at the ceiling and pulls the trigger. And when you shoot a gun inside, it's deafening. Yeah. Your ears are, that's something they don't do in movies, is people just are firing in a car. Like, you would be deaf for a very long time. Yeah, yeah.

He fires this rifle into the ceiling. You see a bunch of, like, sheet rock and stuff, like, four. ball and like dust lands everywhere and he's just like he just kind of laugh and he just throws it off to the side firing a gun in his own new york city apartment no mingus was great because there was he would like literally show up to a gig i'm not kidding like eating like a bucket of kfc like greasy with like with like shit coming down his leg and then it would just be it would be nothing but just like white people from the new york times being like oh yes we love we love mingus yeah he's a little fat kids hero little fat white kids are charles mingus in their

soul. I mean, he wrote pork pie hat for a reason. The idea... It's got two foods in it. I know when you were at your age. Pork and pie. Yeah. I know when you were your age, Jace, you wanted to dress up like a blues brother. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? That's Charles Mink is coated. I would have loved to be a

when I was 12, I would have loved to be a black heroin addict in his mid-50s. You loved Dice? What a life. You wanted to live in New York City. I did. You loved Dice. I loved Dice. Yeah. I tried to play with every black person in town and they ran away from me because they thought I worked for vice.

Not the media company, the squad. The squad. Yeah. I was like, hey, what do you guys? Do you mind if I shoot a couple pair? Lucky number sevens, here we go. I'm going to look this up so I don't get it wrong. I believe Charles Mingus was in a Pith helmet. This is why I brought up the Pith. I'm bringing it back around here. Pull up Charlie Mingus. So Charles Mingus, I believe he went

to demand royalties in a Pith helmet with a gun and I think he put it to someone's head and demanded more money. Probably. All these guys had some crazy story. That sounds like Mingus to me. You don't see Benson Boone doing that.

No, there's no artist anymore. You never hear a story about, like, I was the other night, Benson Boone, pulled a knife on jelly roll. And he said, you're going to play it the way I want you to play it, you fat motherfucker. He said, I grew up in the Mississippi

I'll take your fat ass fingers away. Benson Boone watched his parents being lynched in front of him. I got it. And then he moved to New York. Benson Boone sold his brother into sex slavery to afford his first guitar. And he learned to do backflips

from white folks shooting at him in town. Shout out, by the way, too. I love this account. This will be the public app, by the way, I think. This is a para power mapping at ClaniPen, gosh. They follow you. Yeah, yeah. This account's incredible.

Amazing stuff Just an incredible account You got to follow them A great great incredible work This person's doing I was there tonight Gracie Abrams Told Olivia Rodriguez

I play it the way I want you To play it you motherfucker And then she pulled the gun out And told her to dance Started shooting at her feet I remember We were at a chicken Juke join in Alabama

And I remember Chris Mom From Coldplay rapes of being a copped to a gunpoint. A sweat dripping down into the floorboard, but that girl could sing. Teddy Swims played a whole shoulders back to the crowd. He had a disdain for the people, but boy, could he play.

Uh-huh. Of course, uh, uh, little Tony got raped by the devil. At a crossroads. Little Tony was... Little Tony was... Little Toad he was at the crossroads trying to learn how to play the blues, and he got raped by the Jewish hologram devil.

They'll understand that once they listen to the Patreon on Friday. Patreon on the party, by the way. So this is from this guy, he's like a god online. This guy is incredible para power mapping, a must follow. This is how I learned about this. This is how I learned that Charles Mingus once stormed the Columbia Records Office to demand unpaid royalties wearing a pith helmet and Safari get up and brandising a shotgun,

which is about the coolest thing I've ever heard. That is awesome. That's like when James Brown came in with the shotgun, right? Didn't James Round do that type of shit, too? Yeah, he did it. I forget, he, like, went to, like, a woman's group or something with, like, a shotgun or whatever. Just, like, fired it into the ceiling.

Yeah. And then he ran away from the cops, and he drove his car so long it was on all the wheels. Yeah. The tires ran off. A lot of these guys are crazy. They would drive, they would, like, drive their Cadillac that the record company gave them, but that was all that they had forever.

They would just drive it into the studio at some point. They'd come out. They'd get out of the car. They'd be like, I'm done, motherfuckers. All right. They'd be like, all right, let's record, okay, bogey, man. Unfortunately, I think all of this info is from the movie Cadillac Records with Beyonce and Adrian Brody in my mind.

It is true. But I believe it's true. It's true, though. I saw Walk the Line. I know what they do. But very interesting, Mingus describes this as creative anger. Putting on the safari suit, the Pith helmet, he's hunting. He himself now, I am the colonialist, or I'm the colonizer, excuse me, pardon me, I'm retarded.

I am the colonizer, I am the one now who hunts you. Then you said that? Well, no, this is basically what he's doing, is he not dressing up, like he's going into the jungle, he's basically saying to... I'm the one who knocks. Yeah. It's just a needle hanging out of his arms, though. Hey, Lord, I'll run this shit now. He falls asleep.

It takes a heroin nap. He's doing the fentanyl in. I run this motherfucker. this record. Capital records is mine. My word. You hocking Jews. Man, Mingus would be so mad now if he knew how much money we were giving Israel, by the way.

Mingus? What were you saying up there? No, I was going to say, you're right. He described the act as creative anger. Yeah. Yeah, that was the actual claim he had Where he's like, this is what an artist it does Uh-huh

And I love that and I also just love that it is black bullshit That works on white people a lot of the times When you're just trying to be crazy You know what I mean You got away with it, I guess No, I like it But just what he's like, he's like No, it's actually reverse colonialism

It's not, I'm a big junkie with a shotgun I guess it would be a comment Like isn't that what he's doing basically? Creative anger, that's beautiful It's great There's a meaning to the Bethlehem is what I'm saying, but Mingus is, he's a, again, Devin, you wouldn't really get, he's dressing up like a, like a militia member, taking back the roots of, of, of everything, of everything, the TV show, thank you so much. Appreciate that. Yeah.

Is that what you're talking about? I didn't see that. No, I don't understand the reference. He's, he's, he's, he's, he was, he's, like, showing, uh, these suits to not fuck around with the, the, the, the basis of where this, this music, not the basis of the music, but just like the, a revolutionary feeling from the music. Mm-hmm. Don't fuck me. Dressing like a revolutionary, coming in with, like, Che Guevara being, like, taking, like, taking names. Mm-hmm.

You know? Listen. I was there the night in sync. I was there And I didn't sink And the backstreet boys Held guns on each other Joey Fetone

Used to play the knife game And he was really fucking bad at it Joey Fetone He shot up Christina Aguilera's pussy lips with heroin And then he played the knife game Between the toes Fucked a shit up

That's why you never see Without an open-toe sandal Have you seen in an open-toe sandal? Have you seen it in an open-toe sandal? Have you guys even seen what Miley Cyrus looks like? Did you guys see the new... Does she look like Manda Binds without, like, the writing on her face? She kind of looks like one of Sid's toys.

She's got, like, big, sexy lady legs and an ironcloth. She looks like a doll that's been thrown in boiling water. She really looks bad. I think Miley Cyrus is a little attractive. It was. Yeah, I thought she pulled out of the whole spiral thing. Yeah, I thought she was good. She's like a respectable lady now.

She does rock covers. People like it. Oh, I don't like, oh, boy. It looks like a die ant word person, kind of. Dye N-N-word? D-A-A-A-N-W-A-N-A-B. Oh, I don't like that. She's ninja.

She's ninja and baby. That's really creepy. She looks like she likes men with spikes. Yeah, the guys who become lizards. Yeah, she looks like she likes lizard men. Mm-hmm. Ooh, look at you. Yeah, I don't like it when hot women do the shave eyebrow thing.

What a creep. What are you doing? Do we read down to the bottom if it's, called buckel fat or not it's buckel fat buckel fat they call it buffalo fat right there yeah that's a bot everything's a bot there's no use

in reading replies unless you just want to get mad and not think about how you fuck your life up then go in the replies and distract yourself but you know the replies aren't real it's Indian guys being white guys white guys being Indian guys porn bots pretending to show their pussy

it's all fake me jacking off to the fake pussies I've noticed this There's a lot of the fake, fake only fans, girls on the internet where something will come out about a celebrity and they'll be like, interesting, he was in my DMs last week. Like, everyone just pretends everyone's in their DMs now, too. We live in a, the economy is lying. Is that even her, by the way?

Oh, my God. Yeah, she looks like a big skeleton. What the fuck? She looks like a big skeleton skull. Yeah, I don't know, ma'am. I don't know what's going on with everybody. What does it do? It feels like everybody is hanging on by a thing.

thread right now. I'm clearly projecting. Completely projecting. I've been insane all week. Mylan Cyrus must have problems with her landlord. Yeah, projecting after you told us the most insane story I've ever heard. What?

Look at this picture. She's got a problem. Not me. Oh, she looks like a mid-summer lady that has been starving herself before she gets sacrificed. Yeah, she looks like a type of mushroom that kills you if you eat it. You know what, and by the way... She looks like a wild berry that kills you.

And Devin all say it. I thought she was way more attractive on that Disney show. Do you guys? Season one especially. She was so much more beautiful. I think after season three, she really got really ugly. Then she got old. Yeah, once puberty hit.

Round three episodes in, I thought she was kind of gross. Once I could see her hips widened just a little bit. Look at her. She doesn't look bad there. She used to be good. Oh, she's the face of Gucci. So that's her...

It's not real, man, it says. Oh, this one is AI? It's not real. Grock, Grock says this. Wait, but is the... But that one... No, this one's real.

The first one I showed is real. Yeah, that's real. The next ones I... That Gucci cover one was not real. Okay. Well, that's good because she's dying there. The Gucci one's not real. That one's fake.

Okay. Thank you, Grau. Thank you, Grot. We gotta be less, like, crazy and shallow. Because it made these women retarded. They start doing so much stuff They turn into Disgusting creatures

They're making themselves into like shrimp Yeah To shrimp people This is all Misogyny's fault I've been saying this for years Devon It's all misogy

I gotta start speaking better about these hens Because they're ruining their lives Taking away their fat titties Their big asses Their livers are shrinking I thought Miley Cyrus was like Doing okay for herself What the fuck

No a lot of these pictures are real according to the Bollywood. You're right, that is real. Yeah, the Bollywood Liars.com said it's real. Yep. I met that guy once. Who was the guy who'd spread all the Hollywood gossip early? Perez Hilton?

Yeah, I met that. I went to his house. I produced a few podcasts for Porn Hub at one point. Oh, yeah. It was... You did it for a specific porn star. It was hosted by Asa Akira. Legend.

Devin's... Fantastic. Your Crown Jewel. love of my life. I may as well crawled into the coffin of Kobe Bryant himself. I can't believe

I got her phone number, by the way. Did you fuck her? That's really cool? Yep. You fucked her nice, dude. What if I think? Because I was there in Perez's kitchen. I was setting up the equipment

and I just, as soon as they walk in, I'm like, all right, ladies. How about we, we're going to start on the couch. Let's move over to the fireplace. I lit my dick kind of pop out of my pants. start flicking it to get it hard really too hard really are like you can tell they can tell it stings you you keep flicking you go ow I'm like this is called fluffing right mm-hmm is you flick flick flick it yeah you're flicking a jelly bean across a

cafeteria yeah like you're trying to do a paper football game you try to flick your dick head off you go that's how I jack off I'm hired to produce a podcast for porn up and I end up like raping I rape everybody as soon as they want but in the weirdest the weirdest You light a match and you hand it to Assecure. You go, hold this under my dick. Hold this lit match under my dick, whore. I can't imagine being those ladies.

They were so nice. Yeah. I couldn't imagine being out and running into fans. Could you imagine? Could you imagine? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not even that. Because they got bodyguards and everything and there's like a setup thing

where they know they can be a little flirty and everything. I think it's a little more loose than that, but yeah. Dude, I'm talking about, imagine being Asakira being like, I need to get another blueberry vape at the 7-11. She walks in and she's, the Indian guy's eyes go, bonging. Yeah, big cartoon daggers. The eyes turn into big cartoon daggers and point out of her. It looks like the mask when he's going crazy. He's saying somebody stop me, but he's talking about the rape.

He's about to commit. A guy that literally goes, ah-u-go. A-oo-ha. That's got to be awful. I mean, there's a lot of, I mean, I think Ben's right. If you wear like a little hoodie on or, I mean, we've seen a lot. They don't wear like a ton of makeup out and stuff. They try to look like, they wear baggy clothes.

There's a lot of whores out. There's a lot of, like, hot. Everyone's trying to kind of look like a porn star now. And they're all minutes away from getting raped. I'm just saying it's no different now. I'm saying I think an Asa Akira deals with the same as the whore of the Americana. I think you're right. If she covers up, but if she goes out full...

If she goes out full Asa Kira... That's going to be like her going to get a new iPhone at the Glendale Galleria. It's like that scene in 1917 where he's running across the battlefield. Just people just marching. Exactly. It's a tracking shot. It's a one tank. It's a oner.

Yeah. It's a oner of her getting her clothes ripped off as she tries to run out of the Apple store. Yeah, Bob's going on. Come. Just cum shots. Yeah, guys are in towers jacking off and just pooh-poo-poo-poo! You just hear a whizzing past your head.

Just taking, like, little chips off of wood, you know, concrete borders. Yeah. Yeah, no. Guys have, like, arm, they're missing arms and legs crawling after. They're covered in blood. A guy with no arm, and he's bending over, and he picks up his arm, and he starts jacking off. He starts jacking himself off. Instead of, yeah.

yelling mommy, they're like, Moof! Moof! Mommy, I like to fuck. Mom, I like to fuck. Oh, I need my mom, I like to fuck. Because he's trying to put his guts back in his belly.

He's trying to put his cum back in his cock. I want to go again. One last time. You know what I really realized the other day is that the world is such a beautiful place. Oh, yeah. It's a beautiful, beautiful place.

The world is amazing. Unfortunately, it's filled to the bread with pedophiles. pedophiles and perverts and satanus it's very unfortunate and we are blessed to be men we really are i was reading comments from ladies the other day on ticot of them just talking about them being i found a video of the americana and i looked at a com because it was something about creepy people at the americana and a girl told her story in the comments what was she wearing in the comments was she kind of being a whore How were the comment sexual?

Well, someone posted her address. I went. Did her comments seem sexy? No. This is a girl. And I could tell us a real story because it was really boring and long and there were way too many details. It sucked out. Like, this is a real woman.

It was actually a woman. No man could write a story with that little of a direction to it. I know. That's crazy, actually. I had to keep hitting more like 14 times, more and more and more. No man could say a detail in a story and then go back to explain that detail unnecessarily. in the middle of the story it's like my friend debor who's not really my friend but like i knew her from like an event like all these sidebars and quests and yeah it was just a

girl saying she worked at a pinkberry and i think it was the pink berry and the americana they got a pink berry don't they don't know i don't think so maybe in the gallery maybe it's the gallery i can't really that around it's not a big thing it's not as available as you think it would for la you think there'd be more pink bears they got taken over by some new hip bullshit you know whatever the new hip bullshit maybe it wasn't pinkberry it was one of it was salt and strong it It was a worthless shop like this. Salt and Straw, the cupcake shop. I know there's a salt and straw there.

We went with your daughter. This person went in and wanted something and then just kept doing that thing. I thought, actually, I don't want it. And it was an Asian guy. Okay. It was like a, she said vaguely Asian white guy, which, you know, crisis of identity, crisis of religion. That's the only time I go, don't mix these, though. Crisis of religion.

They're both kind of Christian. Well, no, you get the Eastern and the West. You're split right down the middle like a cracked egg. You're an omelet. You can be half Asian, half white if you're a woman, but half Asian half white man. That's kind of like you have the... That's true. You have the insolness of a white man, but the work ethic of an Asian person.

You're like, are you what are you, a green onion or a scalyan? How do you define it? I think you just sort of go Elliott Roger mode, like best case scenario. Or you become an accountant who's on a lot of Lexapro. Yeah. So white Asians are very attractive people now. Sometimes they have the freckles and everything, but it can, but for, what's the guy, Charles Melton or whatever? The guy that was in the movie where he gets fucked as a kid.

Oh, yeah, May December. But, yeah, by the old lady. He's fucking, what a haunt piece of ass. He's a hot piece of ass. I'd rape him as a boy. I was in theaters watching May December. I'd go, I'd rape him. Right?

He'd stand up. We'd all rape him. Gay December. Yeah. We'd rape him. Exactly. So what happened? Well, this lady said she was working at this shop in the Americana or the gallery or whatever.

And the guy was coming in acting like he was going to order something. He was like, oh, what are your hours today? Like when you guys closed and she could tell he was being like really weird and lingering. So she lied about the hours. And she said way past when the Americana would close anyway. And then he came back again two hours later and was like, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to get something though. Like blah, blah, blah.

like still clearly hanging out in the area and again asked when they were supposed to close and she kept acting weird I wish I was there so I could have helped her and like hey get the fuck out of here buddy stop being a fucking creep and then I goes what are your hours here they pay you nice

you got a car you need a ride every linger just switches out you know I just protected you so you gotta give it out you have to give it out there's an actual bitch like it's like a basketball game where there's rapists on the bench they're on the bench they're icing their knees

They go Costa Get in there They're rapies Get in there Costa get in Get in there And you yeah You pull your

Ripaway pants off And start stretching Costa corner Carta corner Walk out Don't let her through the door All right Coach calls the time

All right All right I told you I told you A million times Get her in a corner And put both of your arms On either side of it That's right

Come on Come on Play some defense Make it really Weird and intense While she clocks out By the way I've been seeing

Women evade this at the 24-hour fitness because I go five times a week now. The hot ladies get bombarded by these like balding dudes who are just awful and they try to make it into the women's locker room

and the guys do the thing where they're following them and then step in front so they can't walk into the locker room or kind of like leaning over like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the one place they can get away.

Hot ladies now, I was like, why are these hot bitches like they come in the sauna for like they always seem like they're with a guy? They come in the sauna when I'm in there for like three minutes and then leave and I realize that that's the one like these fat like balding guys that are following the hot ladies at the gym yeah it's the one place they won't go in because they can't spit the game with the titty fat sweat yeah right right right so they just go yeah I gotta I'm working out like I gotta get in the sauna and then they don't get followed in there and the guy's like I look like Kirby damn it if I take my shirt off I'm curbed I'm a big tomato I'm gonna hop away because I have no legs I'm a big red tomato full of seeds and juice. Dude, it sucks ass to be a hot lady at the gym.

Yeah, I bet. But it sucks. What I'm saying is, is I'm very grateful to be a man and I would hate to be a woman. The story continues, though. The half Asian, half white guy. At the ice cream place. Doesn't come back. And she said she was a little worried, but she ended up leaving.

And her friend was like, uh, you don't need to walk me into my car. It's fine. And you know, the parking garages are crazy there. Yeah, they're really confusing and weird. So once she's getting. into the parking garage this guy starts he comes out he steps out of a pillar

like out and he goes hey I was just he looks like you're going home and she just started running and he chased her across the parking garage she got in her car and locked at the door and started the car like a horror movie and left

did she report it like anything or was her camera I can't I can't remember that that part but I don't she was like I don't even think he was trying to like abduct me I think he was just like really sad and was just still yelling like no stop like I want you're really hot like you're cute I want to take you on a date that's chasing that's the worst part is like she'll go through like Friday the 13th and barely escape with her life and then that guy will go home and be like what's up chat day game experiment day game experiment number 45

failed again has no idea he completely scarred a woman for the rest of her life it's like the funniest part of it. He thought he was like, I'm not saying the right thing. Yeah, he's like, I'm chasing her. He's like, scared. Chicks just, like, douchebags. And then little does he know, every time a guy says, hello, she'll go like this for the rest of her life?

He has no idea. It's so funny. Would you see a guy like that? Where they're just, they're accidentally tricking women into this rape simulation. Yeah. Where they think they're going to be kidnapped and tortured, and they're just simply trying to get

coffee. It's all that's trying to happen. They want coffee or like maybe a glass of wine or, you know. My favorite version of that is when it's not a dangerous situation, but you'll be like in a coffee shop or just hanging out and you'll see a guy who clearly thinks he's going to get pussy from a lady. And she's just not into him at all. But you just, you still see him just with confidence to show his plumage to everybody.

Not knowing everybody's like, oh, this guy's like fucking. Shooting his shot in front of everyone. And you can feel the energy of her. a human brick wall and he just has no idea I feel bad for him too because what is he supposed to do people aren't swiping on him

on the apps he's supposed to do he's got to pressure a woman into going out with them and then the problem is they have standards they want a hot woman he could go find some some go for him

there's somebody for everybody they have too high a stance if you shoot for the moon may you land among the stars right or catch a rape beef Or lasso the moon And hide it in your basement Yeah, exactly

He's going to shoot at the moon Miss And then panic And then chain it up What if I What if I'm trying to What if I'm going to What if I wassle the moon

And I brought down It tied up And face fucked it in front of you Oh Mary? I'm going to What have had a baby with the moon Here's in my basement I came occasionally

And fed them Then he calls it Fucker occasion What if I had the What if I had the baby with the moon? I fuck the moon baby in my basement, Mary. Oh, what do you think about that?

She's naked in that rose bush. Show me your tities. Show me your teeth. He goes, I'm Jimmy Stewart. Show me your fucking teeth, whore. I'm like that far, bitch. I'm fucking Muslim. I'll rape your shit.

I'm Jimmy fucking Stewart. This is Sharia a lie, bitch. I just got out of a biplane in World War II. Show me your fucking deaths. Hoare? He would say breed. He goes, I'm going to braid the moon.

I'm going to break the moon. I'm going to braid it. This is a jihad on 34th Street. Those are my favorite guys that want to breed. Mary, I met a... They say breed. Mary, I met an angel. He told me if I'd kill myself, I can't rape anymore.

Marry. He kills himself because he can't rape. There he goes, Mary. The angel said he showed me my life if I never existed. There were so many women without self-confidence issues and afraid to walk through life. Wait, what were we talking about? The rape, I forget that. No, the woman, the wall.

No, no, no, no, but we were talking about a... Oh, so I feel bad for the guys. And I said, no, and fuck that. They shouldn't have to go fuck someone like them. Because they, out in the world, Devon, how many times have you seen a ugly guy with a beautiful woman? It happens all the time. They think, hey, so can I.

This is the land of opportunity. Why should I settle when I can find beauty in these women and they could find beauty and because women love differently. That's the problem of the in-sell. But I think women love differently. Well, that's the problem of the in-cell is they don't actually think of the woman. Because if he's like that, he's like, okay, I want to get a hot lady. I'm ugly.

I got to get either a really great personality, get really fucking rich. Some method. The woman's humanity is not a part of the equation whatsoever. he's looking at it like saving up for like a watch he wants yes it's just it's literally just a guy goes like well he got her so if I ask a million women out and one of them will start fucking me it's you know like even even birds and fishes try to grow a certain type of plumage to be a like you know like back of the day when it was like nerds and jocks type shit it's never the women the birds the men are always colorful and that guy also by the

way it's always the women are colorful because of big fat titties and big fat asses no no I'm I'm proving your point is that men are the ones with color. Men's got the... But that's the problem. It's like back in the day when it was like that all comedy jock, whatever type of shit, they'd be like, oh, you guys like these fucking douchebags. It's like, well, these fucking douchebags go to the fucking gym, try to dress nice, try to show that they have money.

They have discipline. They try. They smell good. They'll be a good provider. Yeah, they'll fucking put your head through drywall, but they make a lot of money. This guy goes, these type of... These guys also go, like, if they fucked the woman, if they ended up having sex, They go, I fucked her.

And it's like, that woman, the ego of that, that woman goes, like, I fucked him. Like, she gave him the thing he wanted. Yeah. But he's looking at her, like, it's like, he captured somebody. He's like, I got a, like, I got a chick. I tricked her. Like, it's like a caveman. It's like, I bathed somebody's head in and I ate them today.

I think he might calm down. If she just fucks him a bunch and a few years he'll calm down and he won't feel like he captured this woman anymore. Well, be more fuckable. Just get more fuckable. I mean most so many of these relationships are transactional you just got to have something that she wants exactly you think that's how most relationships are I'm pretty naive I like to think it's a lot of like 80% of relationships eventually just stay together because like they need somebody to pay half the rent see I don't want to yeah pretty much I also don't want to believe that because it feels too inconvenient to like hope well I think like it just makes me feel very nihilistic every time you see a couple it's like she's fake laughing at him so she can keep living under his room most of the time Or he's fake laughing at her to get her to sleep with him. I'm watching this. There's an amazing show I had no clue about called Couples Therapy on Paramount Plus.

It is a pretty good show. It's fucking wildly entertaining. You'll see people say the most despicable things you've ever heard of human being say to another one. On TV. The therapist is amazing. And every one of these people eventually, you really realize how much of it, like, they're like, we're on year seven. So, like, we brought a midget into the bedroom. We thought that was about.

Like, they all eventually get a third week. And then that just causes more problems. I haven't seen a single normal relationship on there yet, other than like one couple. It's usually a lot of them be like, well, I was 33, and I really wanted to have a kid, and, you know, I settled for him, and I thought that would carry me. I slowly started to resent him.

It's just the resentment builds in, and they slowly start hating him. Because they lie about the life they want together. And then they're sexually dysfunctional because they probably both watch a lot of porn because they hate the other person. I think it's they don't put in the work in of an actual relationship. You know, every, I'm stealing this quote from somebody, but, you know, a loving relationship is every day choosing to wake up and go to the altar of somebody else, you know.

Get that on your knees and light a little candle. I've never felt that way. Well, you're a special. You have a special thing. A lot of these people are just like, they're really used to each other after a while. They're like, yeah, we love each other because we're super used to each other, but this isn't really natural going on 11 years. we finish each other's sentences we're passive

aggressive to each other we get everything about each other it's like we just keep doing this so then they start doing other things like let's try and something else out like bringing a having a sex party or like and it's people in the cut that I would never

people telling saying this that I would never if I saw them from afar ago they would never be that type of people that are swingers yeah yeah those are the swingers for his birthday I I tried to bring another woman into the bedroom, shit like that. He came in her immediately, and I really resented that, and it's slowly been destroying my love for him.

It's crazy stuff. People are trying everything. People are fucking... I don't have any advice for these people, because I don't know why my relationship is successful. I just feel like we're just, like, kick-ass friends, and we kick-ass together. Yeah, you guys have a real, like, genuinely, like, special relationship.

But I don't know how to give advice for that. No, I mean, I don't know what, like, be raised in, like, a shithole call. and both of us come together, you know, on the, like, hey, we found each other in this. Yeah, I think that's, I think that's also part of it. You guys didn't, like, marry each other because you're just like, well, we're fucking here, you know, like, you both did a lot of work for each other. You know, your wife moved out here with you, you know, she supported your dream. You take care of the family now.

Like, you guys both put a lot of work into each other. I think a lot of people just go, like, well, I'm in Addison, and I was dating her and, knowledge, so I guess I'll fucking marry your ass, because that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah, people start panicking, too. Yeah. They're like, oh, let's fucking... They're like, will you, like, fucking marry me or whatever? I guess I'm naive, though. Why would

you flippantly make such a big life decision like it doesn't mean anything? Almost everyone... I saw this all the time when I was working, like, real jobs, is people wake up at 45 and realize for the first time the choices they make actually affect the way their life goes. Like, they just... I really think they just don't think about it.

How could you not see the correlation immediately of you feeling bad and not living the life you want to live? I don't know. Because like hiring movers is like really a pain in the ass when you're just like, I just, I'll do this for another 10 years. Yeah. That's who gives a shit? You're like, well, we got the kids. I'm just looking forward to dinner anyway. Are you saying people are- I'm gonna get ramen.

I want to get that pork bun that they have. They're just like, whatever. I'll jack off and I'll do that for 10 more years. I'll put aside all my actual wants. Yeah, yeah. I'll get home from work. I'll go watch TV in a room alone. a room alone that'll eat three hours

I don't have to talk to that bitch It's just like, you know, yeah If we fucking, I don't know I would hurt her feelings if like I did what I wanted to do in my life Yeah, or we have the kids I don't want to hurt the kids so I'll just trap them in a house full of coldness and

hate that actually Completely fucks them up Let's just create a person that we raise through oppression Yeah exactly Are you saying that pussy too is a creature comfort? It's there and they reach for it the way they reach for any other pacifier in their life

It's like, well, the pussy's here. I don't have to try anymore. And also a vast majority of people, the way they're fucked up, they find somebody to kind of like fit that fucked upness. You know, like there's, you know. You mean the codependency of stuff? I mean, of anything, like, oh, I had, you know, people would be like, oh, I had a, my mom was a fucking anxious dickhead. So now I'm dating. Oh, look at this.

I'm dating an anxious dickhead. Now I'm married to one because that's what I think love is, is the minute I find another anxious dickhead. I'm like, well, that's my interpretation. And they don't want to feel like that lonely loser that's out. Yeah. There's a tremendous amount of pride taken and just being out in public at an event or and you're just like, this is my person. Because there is that.

Look at that. I caught one. There is a part of that. That sucks, though. That's a lot of bad stakes. No, because that's a real thing. When you're single, like, I was going to event single in my, like, fucking early 30s and there's kind of like, oh, you know, Jay's a bachelor over here.

You know, it's like you looked on like this, you know, like perpetual adolescent. son's type of thing a little bit you know when everybody's like already having their fucking second surely people are doing that less now that everybody is living with their parents for my favorite musician right now still lives with his dad and mom Cameron winter Cameron winter yeah he lives with his parents yeah it's hilarious but he gets tons of pussy he probably has a ton of pussy or he's gay I don't I don't really know much about him better not be fucking gay I love that album he better not be gay I love the album so I know it's a very good album heavy metal heavy metal Heavy metal.

There's a good live stuff on YouTube. But with the pussy stuff, I look at my wife and I go, I'm so proud of you. You kick ass. You fuck, like she'll do something. I go, you fucking kick ass. Like she's a dude. And to me, that's love. Because your respect her as a human.

That's love to me is going, you're mommy and you kick ass. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Right. Mama. Mm-hmm. You look at your wife every day and you say mama. Mama, yeah.

No, we're honest. We also want a mom. Mama. We're all looking for a mom, we thought. Mommy. Mommy, can you do my dishes piece, me, me? What if you find out that I'm such a useless husband that I'm essentially an invalid

where my wife has to, like, wipe my ass and feed me? And you're like, I don't get it. Like, marriage is, like, super easy. Like, I don't know what everybody's problem is. I make Katie get one of those cranes that lifts, paralyzed people from the bed into the bath. So I can keep scrolling on Twitter. He's like, I don't want to get up.

I don't want it. My foot hurts. Yeah, I don't get what the people, the marriage is the easiest thing I've ever done. The closest thing I've seen to love is that Wild at Heart movie, where you guys would both die for each other. Wild at heart? Yeah, the David Lynch film. Oh, the David Lynch movie, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know about the dying for each other type thing.

I think that's over romanticized. Well, you better be bloody prepared to die for something you love, Bucco. Okay, like pills, Jordan. Bucco. Like fucking pills. I love Zanax. I prepared to die for Xanax, Bucco. You sunny Jim.

Put me in a fucking coma. I think he was on lorazepam specifically. What a fucking... What a... Binsodiasopian. What a fucking retard. That's really sad. Fucking retard.

It's the type of shit like grandmothers take, so they have the courage to, like, back out of the garage. I know. It's for, like, women who, like, got out of, like, the Jonestown cult at the last second. Who, like, are just cold all the time now. Because of PTSD. Yeah. Baco, you better die for something.

Baco? Dude, now I'm trying to think of a guy. By the way, Jordan Peterson says that, and you met his wife, and she's a shivering little dog. Yeah, there's something really wrong with her. Yeah. She's a ghost. Yeah. Ghost lady.

She, uh, I was with Kurt that night, actually. He remarked the same thing. But, uh, Hey, guys, it's time for a seriously, uh, fuck. Hey, guys, it's time for a seriously big flavor with Lucy Breakers and nicotine pouches. These nicotine pouches are awesome. Each one has a little capsule inside. You just break the capsule to release a wave of flavor and hydration.

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for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Thank you, Hems. Now back to the show. I'm thinking of a type of guy. You know how dudes pretend to be handicapped and homeless,

So they get more money. Sure. They get in the Rascal Scooter and they do the, for lack of a better word, you know, like, retard voice. They, like, they do it. I've, I've spied them before. There's guys that have been on the news that have been outed as people have been doing this in Las Vegas for years where they pretend to have a mental disability and they're in a wheelchair

to get more money and they, then they get in a Chevy and Paul and they drive home. I've seen homeless guys do the fake hand, but their hand looks normal. Yes. Yeah. That stuff. A lot of people do that to get out of stuff. to now I'm wondering if there's a guy who just pretends to have like he's so lazy he just pretends to have locked in syndrome so everybody has to do everything for him jack him off wipe his ass

make him piss in the toilet oh you're saying feed him so he woke up one day in a relationship he goes fuck this I'm just gonna pretend fuck her I'm gonna pretend I'm locked in syndrome now he wakes up one day he goes I can't move my legs I don't know what's happening I was like I don't Everything seems perfectly fine. He's like, oh, no, it's spreading my arms. Oh, this is so sad. Fuck. I can't help out anymore.

I guess I can't work. I guess I can't have a job anymore. Huh, doctor? And you look over at your wife. And you go, I guess I just have to click disability. So you're telling me my wife has to take care of me or I'll die? And everyone thinks she's a really bad person if she leaves me now. Everybody thinks.

It doesn't think, too, if you think your wife's going to leave you, just pretend to have a disability. then she can't. Yeah. Right. And you go, honey. Yeah, you could also pull that shit, though. Yeah. You go, honey, we still need to have an active sex that I have, so can you suck me up, please, really quick?

You know, it's great. The amount of stories I read on Reddit where it's like, people are so callous where it's like somebody gets cancer and they're like, well, I'm leaving. Like, I'm not going to be the, I'm not going to be the person that, like, takes care of. I've heard a lot of stories where people get, like, spouse gets cancer and then the husband starts cheating in the late stage. Yeah. Dr. Seuss did that. Are you serious? Dr. Seuss and I think Newt Gingrich as well.

Yeah. Jesus. Cheat on their wives with cancer. But they had to cut their tities off, so, I mean, what are you going to do? The day they get their teeth cut off? Yeah, they're playing taps. A little damn trumpet. Yeah, they're just saluting two pair of tits chopped off going into a big grave.

Yeah, that weren't even that nice anyway. They were pretty saggy, and they made me mad. They made me mad. Mad at her for aging. God damn her. What were you going to say, then? Well, just with the cancer stuff, I've heard so much about... I...

What I've been struggling with is that I put myself in the shoes of another, right? Sure. And you always say, well, this is like, like, the naivity of... Like, I wish I didn't have OCD, catastrophic, whatever, where I constantly think about ways in which I'm going to die. Every time I say goodbye to my family, I... I think they're going to die in some sort of crazy thing, or I'm going to die. I'm ever going to see them again. Me having the same childhood as you and me.

Like, I think that's pretty normal. I think we all think about that all the time. I'm pretty much preoccupied with my own, not in an interesting, romantic way at all. Yeah. At all. I just, I just push it away immediately. I have the thought a hundred times a day that I'm going to die in some weird, horrific way. Any intersection I go through, I think I'm going to die.

Anytime I'm in an elevator, I'm going to die. Every time I'm sitting, like, in the mall, I think a guy's going to come through with a gone and blow me up, blow my head off first, constantly thinking about mass shooting. Last time I smoked weed was adjacent at LCD that sound system concert. I was convinced for a full hour, up until, like, all my friends played, I was convinced there's going to be a mass shooting, and I was freaking out the whole time. Because I was on malling, I was like, nobody's ever shot anybody. Everyone loves everywhere.

I get it. I smoked weed. I stopped smoking weed, but like, I smoked weed at the Kendrick concert that I went to, and I was up in the upper deck. It sucked. It was like, I was, like, so far away. Thanks. And we were, I was on the... You were a prank for a shooting.

I was on the balcony, and I smoked way too much weed with this guy. And for an hour straight, I was, I couldn't enjoy anything. I just kept imagining somebody coming up behind me and chucking me off the balcony. Yes, you know, you get what I'm saying, right? And on weed, it's exacerbated where you can't even push it away. You just cycle. It's just in a loop the whole time. I'm like, oh, my God, somebody's about to just take me up, like a baby, and throw me off this thing.

But being naive, when it protects you. You're protecting yourself by being paranoid. case this thing happens, you could save your own life, you could get out of the way. And this is what I mean about the not putting yourself in other people's shoes is that I go, well, in that situation, that would never happen to me. Like if I, if my spouse had cancer, right, I go, well, I wouldn't cheat on my spouse. You don't know how you handle stress. You don't know in that sort of moment.

If you can't look death in the eye so much that you start fucking up your own life to have some sort of explanation from why God would do this to someone that you love. Yeah, maybe you cheat on her almost to try and separate the love a little bit because it's going to be so hard to lose somebody that you love that much. Who knows? There but the grace of God go out. Exactly. As I say. But that's why, you know, because we're constantly in fantasy worlds of our own, like, demise and destruction, right?

That's kind of what I'm saying. But I wish I was naive enough to think, like, oh, that some people see the news of, like, a thing collapsing and killing a bunch of people. And they just, like, they go, fuck, damn, dude. like that would never happen to me that sucks that stuff happens to other people I'm glad I'm not other people and it'll never happen to me because if I die the universe will shut off you know I think about all the time think about it almost every day square to God is there was an intersection close to by where I used to live in L.A. of a nurse went through an intersection on I think it was

Wilshire she wanted to kill herself so she ended up going 85 miles per hour through the intersection so she would hit a car and die she ended up killing six people what a cunt geeboned two cars her Tesla like flipped she was a nurse she was like crying and she totally lived they dragged her out of the car I would people beat the shit out of her what a stupid bitch that's how she tried to kill her

stuff so she failed and killed six people yeah like a fucking telephone pole she was a nurse so she was sucking off like 40 men in the car driving through the intersection sexing minors she's wearing baby Jordans uploading her pussy to a snap Listening to music on her Android and a cup. She's 34.

She's like, add my Snapchat out the window. She's killing me. Fuck her. I think about her every day and I go, selfish cut. You selfish cut. She killed like a family. I watch body cam footage all the time with shit like that. Where it's like a kid in like Phoenix.

Who's doing a joyride? And the cops show up and they're like, okay. Like he drove through an intersection and him as friends. And he's like rich kid. And then they slowly find out that there's like two. cars and he killed like a family really yeah shit like that happens like all the time yeah all the time one of the main ways people die yeah horrific car crashes but then you're your your paranoid gets justified because then you like you turn on the news and you're like huh everybody who's ever lived

is a pedophile you're crazy like i thought i was just paranoid thinking everyone was a pedophile i went on the news apparently they are and it's legal yeah it's totally legal and no one cares actually And Lil Tay is the most popular person on OnlyFans Because she looks like she's nine Yeah So I guess these things are starting to prove themselves true Totally You turn into a real girl dad

Unfortunately Yeah, I guess so You don't know You're Kanye when he wrote that song About how he disrespected whores And then he had his daughter And he realized like Whores are women

Yes, yeah Yes, exactly Was that song Devin Like other voices or something like that? On Yeh? On Yeh, yeah Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, violent, uh, falling, you know, hanging up, uh, high all night. Shouldn't kill this horse, yeah.

Because I had a daughter. And he really, like, sucked up until recently. Very good. That's no good. Very good. There was nothing in there about the guy that we all like. Mm-hmm. But, um, anyway.

But now, you're, you're now getting haunted with a woman's plight in this world. No, but I've always felt this way, and I'm pretty good compartmentalizing it where I just push it away immediately. But I realize actually it is because of thinking I was going to die and burn in hell all the time and think about, like, when I was four to like 10, that's all I thought about, like, oh, I haven't prayed yet. I'm going to die. I'm going to hell. Constantly thinking about hell, the world ending me going to hell. I was thinking about that constantly all day. And what if I died, what if I died right now, would I go to hell? If I die right now, would I go to hell?

If I die right now, what I go to hell? And that's all I thought about. So now it's manifesting in just ways now of, instead of thinking about the devil that much, I'm really just thinking about dying constantly. And I don't know how to stop that. And the only way I can not think about it is by focusing on bigger projects that are way out of my depth mentally and everything and trying to like push myself. Yeah. And like spending time with my family, I guess. But past that, I don't really know how to deal with it at all.

You should get into magnets. But do you remember in fourth grade, I watched. my hands until blood started coming out of my hands and the teachers had to talk to mom because I was washing my hands constantly and scrubbing them hard until they bled. No, we all exhibited severe mental health issues. So that's OCD, right? Yeah, it's OCD. I've kind of like, I think I have like a light, like I've like a lot of unwanted thoughts. You're Jewish. Yeah. I did report. That's my therapist set me down. She goes, I don't, you know, I like, I like patients to figure this out on their own, but I think you can handle it.

but you're a Jew. She's like, I'm going to sit you to a psychoanalysis on this. We're pretty sure you're Jewish, but we just want to get a second opinion. I just want to ask you, what do you think of the movie Manhattan? You liked it, but you thought it was not his best work. That's tough. No, I remember reading Portnoy's complaint and being like, oh, I'm Jewish, I guess. I felt like the exact same thing.

Yeah, I need to get into Roth. He's not really for me. isn't from what I was kind of annoying I think once you read one you're good yeah yeah but no I yeah I think the you know what's what's really helped me as a recent um is I'll have a thought and I'll just be like you know I'll be like uh oh you know you're in the movie theater what if it gets shot up and I'm like you're being you're just being a real narcissist right now of course it's narcissism you're the guy you're thinking what if I die what if I die you're the guy in the movie theater that gets shot up it's kind of narcissistic you think you're that special but then

Turn on the news, everything's getting shot up. I also, then I go, well, if it does and I live, no one will believe me that I go, dude, I was thinking that was going to happen. So I like, how did I predict that? What are the chances of that? I might have powers. You know what I worry about the most, though, is I was, I go through the fantasy of what if I live, but I always think about I could have stopped it even if I died. Right. Like, what if you didn't, like, tackle the shooter or whatever?

And I always end up on the side of, you know, fuck everybody else a little bit. It's like, why I'm going to sacrifice me for this guy in line at Cinebond? How do I tackle the shooter first? I mean, unless you come up from behind them, unless you're walking back with your slippery, you're like, what are that noise? And these guys just like unloading on the theater. You tackle them? Well, in the videos, the shooters are usually like huge fags.

That's why they get low body counts. It hasn't even happened in a lot, aren't. They're tripping and walking across the part of the line. Yeah, the recoil's like breaking their collarbone. Yeah. That's so funny. That's a weird part of mine. Mine is some, I will get worried about a shooting, but then I'm like, I totally

fucking take the guy out. I'd kick his fucking house. Because they have the dints in their head from the gamer headsets. Literally in my head, they wore since they were nine. In my head, I have a fantasy where he points the gun at me and I put my hand like over the barrel and it blows my fan fucking off, but I don't, I eat it because I don't give a shit. And then I just

snatch his throw with the other hand and I just squeeze his fucking box shut. So what's unwanted thought? You have unwanted thoughts? Yeah, I have a lot. Well, I mean, you know, my classic one is, you know, I said this thing. Now this person hates me. You know, everybody thinks this about me. When I leave a room, everybody's talking about me, you know, like, that type of stuff.

That's unwanted thoughts. Yeah, that's unwanted thoughts. And it just, it, it, I used to act on that habitually, you know, you obsess over something and you, and you compulsively act on it. You know, I'd seek reassurance a lot. Be like this, you know, do you like me? Do you think these things about me a lot? And that's something I've, I've tried to avoid a lot more, you know, even if I, like, if I fuck up something in a social situation, I've said to myself recently, like, oh, I could call, you know, Devin or somebody and be like, did I fuck that up? But I'm like, no, you just have to live in the uncertainty that

you probably did. You know, you don't get, to get your reassurance. And, Jason doesn't want to, I think we were kind of getting to the bottom of things here. I think Devin's depressed because he's white. Yeah. And he fucking hates, he's like, fuck. I'm depressed that I'm white.

I think you're depressed because you're like, fuck, I'm white. It sucks ass. You think Devin's a self-hating white? I get away, you know. You're pushing it here a little bit, pal. I like, I like all the perks. Thank God, people that don't, you know, thank God, there's not a guy measuring noses

and doing that anymore. Going door to door. Let me see your nose. Thank God there's not a guy. We're measuring noses today. Checking the olive level of skin. Yeah, you would be right on the border line. You're generally depressed, though, but I guess it's, I don't know.

You had an existential crisis when you were like 12. I had a massive one. Yeah, you had a Tony Soprano level panic attack at the age of 12. Yes, and it was all this. It was death nonstop. Round the clock. But why are you obsessed with death? Why are you thinking about death all the time?

Because it's like, what's the point of any moment if we die and it's all over? Yeah, but most people don't have that. Most people don't think about that. I know. Yeah, because they're playing fruit boopers on their phone. They're playing fruit boopers. It's probably an app, by the way. No, I'm sure fruit boopers is an app.

I love fruit boopers. I sliced a fruit and half with the shorts called fruit boopers. And sometimes I think about how my life doesn't matter at all. Playing a fake slot machine on an iPad. Sometimes my brain hurts because I think about how my entire existence will be wiped away, and then I play fruit boobish, and I feel okay. Do you still feel that way? Do you still get depressed about the meaninglessness of life?

Not as much, but it, but actually it's weird we're bringing this up. Yeah, about the last like month I've started thinking more about it again. I've been very depressed. I'm like those thoughts are coming back again. Devin, I thought about it too recently. Death and like, kind of way I asked. Kind of being like a little like on the end. like fuck we die like that's yeah i kind of go like i'm like at a stage of life where i'm like

well everything's great you know like me and my girlfriend a good relationship we go like a nice house she's got a career started like i'm doing what i want to be doing and then i'm kind of like hey i guess this is my life yeah like this is my little life you know and i'll think about like doing stuff and i know you know like i want to do stuff be creative build the show all that and then i'm just like but this all this distraction from me being like but death yeah we're We're going to rise above that, death. Yeah, yeah, we will. My free time's very limited right now with the little baby in the, but soon, dude, we're, Jace.

Stratosphere. Stratosphere. Nothing's going to hold us back. We're going to be, if I'm not hanging out with. We're talking, we're going to be, mark my words in six months, we're going to be bigger than Kevin Hart. If in three years, I'm not on Rogan telling him that he's a killer, I'm going to blow my fucking brains out. If I'm not the subject of an elephant graveyard video in three years, I'm going to kill myself. Hey, I was two months ago.

Hey, there you go. Or, what was it, eight months ago? Man, time flies. But that's what I'm saying, though. Shout out to E. I want that, but I'm saying, like, like, the depression, sometimes the depression stops you from being like, what's the point? Who cares?

Like, so it's like a guy like rogue, like, is, do they just keep doing stuff nonstop and interviewing grifters like every waking second of the day? Because they're just like, I don't know, man. I don't even, what is death? I'm interviewing fucking JD Vance, man. I don't even, what the hell's like, you know? He's like, I don't think about death. I'm in ice.

I said a nice. I said about a debate between, like, archaeologists. What is death? I don't even know. I just bought a new kettle ball. I'm busy. People are, like, round the clock busy to not, you know. I've recently gotten that way, too, where I'm even like, I'm like, I'll be sad and I'm like, I got to do some fucking chores.

Gotta do something. I got to do the dishes and the laundry or something. Yeah. Like, go on a walk, do something, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

When I was a kid, I used to get really depressed by the, you guys are different because you guys have, like, free time and shit. Yeah. I used to get really depressed over basic things you had to do like I gotta go to this thing so I have to go to the store and buy that thing and I would sit there

but what's the fucking point like I'm wasting my tie I have to go there like what's the 20 minutes did you use the point of that 20 minutes if it's meaningless I'm just going to the store to get the thing I need and I'll never remember

that drive or the what like what the fuck is all that so I'm essentially dead in that period of time Because you'll never remember it or recall it. We've all gone to the gas station a billion times. Do you remember it? What even is it? What the fuck was any of that?

Why'd I have to go? I'd be like if we live this life, if God knows I need this thing, I should just go, oh, I need batteries. Oh, look, they're in my hand. Thanks not wasting my fucking time, God. And me having to go get the batteries. Did you used to do the thing? I did this where you, I would just think about every day lined up in a row.

Yes. Like just every day going. to work the most daunting every day in traffic every day cooking every day making the bed and just like being like okay i got like eight thousand of those in a fucking row yep yep and just being like yeah i want to i want to put a shotgun in my mouth right now yeah thinking about that i remember i was a kid and i asked another kid i was like when does this end like school i was like when the fuck what how much more of this it was like it was like fourth grade he's like, well, there's fifth,

90s, six, nine, there's six, nine, there's ten, 11, 12, and then college, that's four more years. That's when you move into the school. And I, like, had a massive breakdown. I was like, I didn't, I had no clue it was going on.

I was just, we were just sent to this camp every fucking day that I fucking hated. And I was like, is this, I'm just trapped here. Utterly trapped. Oh, yeah, and then you escape and you got work.

I used to draw, my doodles were always, like, it would just be businessmen killing themselves, just over and over. because I was just dreading. I don't know, just existence. I don't know.

But I've been pretty good. I haven't felt that way at a long time. I got, like, exhausted with thinking that way, and I'm like, well, whatever. If I don't remember how I got here, so why would it be bad leaving it? Yeah, you've been very depressed, though. I guess, yeah, I guess so.

But I think, it's a, it's a dark cloud following. You're kind of, it's more of a low. Yeah. I think there's a, I'm not that. No, I think it's because you had two kids, Devin. And you're in over your head here. Come on. No, you haven't finished your book.

Everybody's asking about it. Come on, Jay's back me up on it. No, no, no, no. Devin's being crushed by financial obligations. He just got diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. Because he disregarded his health for many years and turned it into a joke for some fucking reason. And his brain felt so bad for so long. It's destroyed his body.

Right? Come on, right. It's because you're bitter. It's because you're entitled. You think the world owes you something for no reason at all. Come on, Jayz, back me up on this. Come on, it's the entitlement. That is actually true.

That is actually true. No, this is more of an on-wee, I feel like. It's a listlessness, an on-wee. Yes, yes. You feel like you're, I told you, I feel like I'm in a big, I'm in a big life preserver just in the middle of the ocean. I'm just floating around. I just kind of don't know what movies next.

That millennial in Wii, though, that's so heck, that's so LCD sound system, 2007. You've got to leave that all behind. Those days of Brooklyn are over. my friend. It's all about doing pills now and wearing big pants. Look at my big pants. I'm on miloxicam. I got big pants from the gas. I will stay

out of touch my entire fucking life. No, I'm hit. I will never be hip. It's hip to be square. It kicks ass, actually. Just wear the big jeans. No, it doesn't. Those guys have those big jeans so they can fit 40 pound Noss bottles. I went to my barber and I said, give me the warrior cut from the

app TikTok. That's what I said to my black barber. And then your barber hit a hydrogen tank. of Whippet He had a balloon tank of Whippets I think he I'm like the barberside you drink that Yeah you got that at Red Lobster

He goes that's cool it yeah Snoop Dogg and Trey Make all the drinks at Red Lobster now That wasn't a racist joke Yeah that wow yeah The new CEO's like a young black He's like a young black guy that really knows what he's doing He's a Hawaiian CEO

It's all Syrac and it's like Neon Blue drinks with a bunch of edible glitter in them yeah yeah it's crazy it's called like the dr dr drey yeah it's red man lobster he named it red man it's red bone red bone red bone lobster yeah very good it's all called scramp so endless scramm endless scramm endless scramm endless scramm unless um i wanted to show in closing by the way i wanted to this is very exciting to me devon because you know how much i love people being tortured alive. Yes, of course.

Yes, you know this. This is one of my favorite things. I'm always asking you to stop playing videos of this nature. It's why I torture everybody around me. I torture myself. I love people getting torture. You love pain. It's actually the most ancient art form besides prostitution is just torture.

You know, body artist type stuff. Dan Carlin taught me that. Body artist, Franz Kafka. I know that reference. I get it. There is a grand. Great. So trash streaming is back. You guys are familiar with trash streaming. No.

It was the people in Russia where they would go live. They were like homeless and they got access to like a day laborer phone. And they would go live in the cold and people would give them $500 to chop their finger off and they would do it. It was red room shit. Okay. Yeah, didn't one guy he froze himself on his balcony or whatever? They paid him a bunch of money to kick his girlfriend out on the balcony in Russia for five minutes. Yeah. And you could see her in the window she passed out there and he dragged her in and he called the cops and they came and pronounced her dead at the scene. So you saw like cops.

Mm-hmm. Right. She's like banging on the glass, please let me in and, you know, runs out of oxygen and all that shit or whatever. She got a cult. It's trash streaming. So people would just die all the time and people would get really big. They go too far. They would die.

They would, you know, cut their arms off and stuff, like crazy stuff. Mm-hmm. Okay. This was big in Russia during the pandemic. They were called trash streamers. It's back. It's back. What did they do now? It's back!

French trash streamer Raphael Gravon. Oh, he just let a guy torture him. Beaten, choked, sprayed with pain for donations. On August 18th, he died live on air after breathing strangely and freezing with an unusual expression on his face. Other trash streamers initially tried to wake him up, but he never gained consciousness. It turns out he had passed away. Is this allowed on... The funeral will be covered by rapper.

Drake and streamer Aiden Ross? Is that actually true? Is that true? I don't know if that's true. I guess this is him like not waking up or whatever. Dying. Because they, what

was happening to him before? I think he was out in the cold. He was beaten, choke, and sprayed with paint for donations. He's on live right now. They're giving him money to die. This is like his 300th hour on live. Yeah.

Give me money. I'll die. Yeah. I mean, he does look like. Dallas Byers club so oh my god oh so this is I guess he was on a thing with Aiden Ross is that Aiden Ross I don't even know I'm so out of it I don't know so I don't know so he was getting the shippe it out of him on streaming yeah I mean streamers are like the lowest forms of life yeah This is bad. Spitting on him.

Oh, I'm contaminated. Go, let's see how this killed in those are to be fair. This is France, right? I believe so. Jean. So are all these guys going to get charged in murder? Well, so here's the thing. Obviously, he's consenting to this because he's trying to make money.

So this is the sickness of fame. I mean, all these guys are... Did you see today, Rampage Jackson's kid? I guess he's a streamer. Quentin Rampage Jackson, UFC fighter, whatever from a UFC fighter. Yeah. Some...

He was participating in some wrestling event or something, and everyone's streaming. You know, these videos that just pop up where it's like that. Right. And, like, this big ex-veteran, big, fat white guy, they're all standing out back,

and the guy, like, grabs a beer can and, like, smashes it on Rampage Jackson's kid's head. Rajah Jackson is his name. He's like a grown man. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a Dana Carvey character and master of disguise. It's just some crazy little, you know, and everyone's like, whoa, and then he's like, why'd you fucking do it?

He gets in his face or whatever. And then I guess later on, the guy, like, kind of apologized. And then they're in the ring and he, like, he's supposed to jump in and like do a move on him, like, you know, but like a fake thing, like a K-fabe thing or whatever. And then gets on top of him, he's supposed to throw fake punches and he starts pummeling his head in. He's being, he's going to get charged with, like, attempted murder. Yeah, I don't think I could play the video. He struck him 22 times.

Strikes him a million times. In the face. And then they show his dad finding out on a stream. Oh, yeah. And Sneiko's like showing Rampage Jackson. Like, yeah, you kid, it was pretty, he was like the chat. He was like the chat saying it's pretty bad. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's pretty bad.

He's just beating a man. Yeah, that's already unconscious. Yeah, that's like a high schooler fight. Yeah. Where they're just destroying a person's face. So just, we can only hope that the streamers just kind of keep killing each other. Yeah, you would hope. You would hope.

I know, yeah, every clip I've seen him streaming, it makes me feel dead. Yeah. Yeah. Look how many people are at Matt Rive show. It's, it recommended, you want to follow him. I was watching a guy get beaten to death on a live stream. It was like, you want to follow Matt Rife? Yeah.

Want some good vibes? Look how many people are at his shows. Look at how old they are, too. Like this guy. These guys, they're like, holding their phones up. They're like, please suck my dick. Please fuck my wife. Please, Matt.

yeah you're fucking your social media sucks ass they broke the attendance record for the whole arena good for him remember when he brought his dad's like or his grandpa's or that uncle's ashes on stage or whatever and he's like throwing his ashes at his fans i thought it was in a dildo and he shot the ashes out of a dildo i forget i forget the technique uh yeah i don't even care about matt rife anymore good for him whatever He didn't. He got community noted. He didn't follow Rogan Austin.

That's true. He didn't need Rogan. I mean, just whatever. He did too much weed. He did too much weed. He did too much weed. Just a fully artless society. He did too much weed.

It's beyond, like, what Mike Judge would write. It's guys selling out, selling out the biggest place is on Earth. It almost feels like when I read about, like, you know, like, a war in Sudan where a billion children get their heads chopped off. It almost feels like that happens because of us. Like, because we're just so bad. Yeah. Carmically, those kids have to get their heads

chopped off. You know, they're like, balance the world. Well, then the weird thing is like, if anyone says anything even kind of like, yeah, I just don't get it though. He, like, isn't funny to me. And, like, it just shouldn't be this big. Like, then there'll be a bunch of comedians where you know that they talk shit about him, too.

But they're like, they're like, why do you even? People are having a good time. I'm like, why even, it's like, you're right, yeah, you're right. No, nothing. Everything's great. No, you're right. No one should have a thought or eyes or care about anything in front of them. They go, why are you being mean to us?

We're making money. Why are you being mean to us? We're rebels. You're right. Then they have like, they have like posters like Bill Hicks and George Carlin at their apartment. Yeah, it's kind of funny. The posters of George Carlin have like closed their eyes somehow. Yeah.

They're like, I love Hicks. By the way, I was in a commercial this week. yeah yeah yeah by the way could you imagine bill hicks meeting with like ronald regan being like into like chumming it up with ronald regan or like george like george hw but should george carlin hanging out and talking the shit george carlin's asking ronald that's your hero george carlans asking ron regan if he's met the risler i think if you're a comedian you're very sensitive from what I've seen. You're faggot.

And you claim that everybody else, like you're projecting into the world that everyone else, like, can't handle getting their feelings hurt and can't take a joke. And then as soon as the jokes on you. Because you're toilet paper. Well, Rogan always does the thing where it's always like, they're just jealous, man. It's just these guys. Everyone's just, they're just, you know, that's like the only, only reasoning they can come up with other, but what about just like, what about like an, what about the other objective reason?

What if it's somebody that doesn't give a shit about being in that guy's shoes? Is there, can you feel another way about it, even if you don't want to be them? No, man. All these people who come on my show to become famous say I'm a good guy, so it's not true. I think a lot of those guys get so rich and famous. They just cocoon themselves around people who are sycophantic yes men. And if you have opinions or thought of your own, you get fired or thrown out pretty much immediately because they don't want any pushback because they can't handle it.

So they really just eject from one reality into another because they have the money to do so. Like, that's a luxury for them to just surround themselves with employees and people that they can cycle in and out to. Like, you see on Schultz's show, he'll say jokes that the other comedians laugh at. And you know that the comedians on the show wrote the joke for Andrew himself to say for them to then cackle at and pretend he's amazing. And you can tell in his head he thinks it was an amazing, funny, brilliant point. knowing that the other person wrote it, that is laughing at the thing, acting like it's an amazing, brilliant point.

Sometimes on that show, it looks like the scene when Carmelo tells Tony everyone's laughing at him because they have to. He's the fucking boss. Everyone's face slows down and they're all like, yeah. And like, you know, no offense to those guys.

Like, they wanted to become like corporations and they got it. Yeah. And they're, you know, they're sociopathic. Yeah. Because they commodified a part of their personality to just make a lot of money and they're like,

whatever you tell me to be that makes me the most money and gets me the most attention I'll be. Like, I'm strictly, I'm not coming from a better place at all. This is just what it is. So, like, the only real retort they can have is they go, man, you're just hating

because you're broke. Right. You just hating because you ain't, you ain't getting paid. Right. It's like, all right, man. Yeah. Well, if only you could defend your art.

Well, they don't think, they don't have to because they sell out a massive place and there's tons of people that love them. So they'll never It doesn't matter. The reality we think, and they'll ever somehow see based on us having this opinion, it's not real

to them, so does it even, is it even real? I'm trying to accept that reality is actually subjective. There's not an objective thing and you get to choose which one to be in. Everything is Eddington World and... It's true. So it doesn't really... I mean, what are you going to do? Be the old man shaking his fist at the sky. You just accept it, have a laugh.

All you got to do is just got to start sniping people go on the run and then fall on the bones of Geronimo. Go call of duty mode. It's all those left. Get stabbed in the brand. Yeah. Shoot a Native American guy in the head. No, he shoots his arm off. There's legs. Leg off. Then the anti-foot people blows that off. This feels so good to shoot a guy's leg off like that.

Oh, yeah. With a machine gun, by the way. We were upstairs and we were just watching a nut, you know, one of the 18 Rogan documentaries we watch every time we record. And it was just kind of silent. And then it showed, it showed Rogan just like laughing hysterically his own joke I'm like I just love the fucking with the big eddington gun what what

you should maybe cut that what I'll just bleep it all right fine sorry I didn't know that was bad no no it's not it's just a physical Ben put out a whole episode he should have cut wait did you want me to cut the Tesla diner stuff I just didn't know that happened now you gotta cut this out

no no that's fine He's already talked about how he wants to cut Or whatever No, I don't want to cut Everyone would lose their fucking minds It would be funny if Devin blamed Me for the whole thing Mm-hmm

It would be a good thing I'm not, I'm kidding I just I didn't even know Once it was out you were like Devin did you remember this And I'm like no I didn't know

Yeah You didn't you didn't I didn't realize you were blacked out I wasn't blacked out I just did it Browning whatever Did it quite know How it sounds

But you don't have wet brain or anything. Like, you don't drink and then, like, forget anything that's happened, right? No, I knew we did that. I just didn't think it was like that. That's not wet brain. Wet brain's, like, after. Wet brain's, like, when you're sober and you're retarded now.

Yeah, wet brain's, like, 40 years of drinking. Yeah. A guy used to just go like, and he's, like, holding a cigarette that's burning a story. It was just all. It was all a blur. It was just all a blur. No, obviously, I'm joking. I just didn't know.

You were browning out, maybe. Yeah. We're like, you're at the diner, then all of a sudden. in your home you don't know what's going on in my mind it was like whatever you know we've already talked about yeah and i'm sorry i said that that threatening thing about a guy who's caused uh about a guy who's uh probably been the worst thing to ever happen to comedy ever yeah yeah sorry anyway i can't wait to be on a new show and tell him he's a god I think he'll keep doing it, like, forever and ever and ever.

He'll just keep doing it. Yeah, until his head turns into a giant, just liquor balloon, pops on that. He doesn't even drink anymore. I mean, tell that to his face. He looks like, I bet he's still drinking. I don't know. I shouldn't, I'm not one to talk, but, yeah. A new elephant graveyard is a masterpiece.

That guy's beyond talented. He is, it's better than any documentary I've seen in, like, five years. He's like our word of her dog now. It should be on every streaming search. It should be on Netflix, Hulu. Unbelievable how talented this guy is as a documentarian. That's why I said those things. I watched it on the way up here in my car and it made me very sad.

Yeah. That's why I said what I said. Oh, and it rules that you know every single person in that documentary has watched it. Yeah. Yeah. They can't stay away from it. Yeah. You think it's like a big mind fuck where it's like looking in the mirror on acid if you're watching that, you know?

I don't know, man I feel like I'm the only one Who gets affected from it Like I watch it and I'm like Am I living in my own fake reality You know what I mean? Yes, okay So am I, so is Devin

And so is them Look at them They're living in our fake reality right now It's all it's insane Actually they have a fake reality Built for us where they think they know us They do We're their best friend

Everything is nothing I'm your best friend Nothing is everything Then won't answer your DMs because he's not your best friend, but I am. People have even, like, started long, like, conversations about Devin's character and whether or not he's a bad friend and a bad person because of this Tesla Diner episode where I'm like, they just haven't met Devin.

He's incredibly loyal. Oh, I think he's so kind. He's... I saw a little bit of that. I think that's, like, they're being us. They're being, like, you're a deeply unwell person. Like, I like to think it's tugging cheap. Yeah, it's funny.

I don't know. It's funny. They've known us for two and a half. years i mean i don't think they think but i and frankly who cares yeah who cares i've resolved myself to never fall into the uh the world of those tony tony and all those guys where they're just constantly obsessed 24-7 with what people are saying about them google it shit your your public figure you should have bad things said about you a lot it's part of you all you all you all have massive flaws people talk about it's kind of the only it's the only consequence there is

It's the only consequence Is that you have to deal with that Yeah And all you have to do is just literally Walk away from the computer That's it Can't do it Can't do it

You're just kicking cans around But anyway I should have more babies No it's enough already Well you know it's funny I can't listen to you panic Yeah we're sick of it Everybody I know

I'm not panicking because I'm kidding But it just doesn't help Two's enough enough already Jesus Christ You want to fucking You want to keep doing this show or eventually segue out of this? What do you want? Start a ninth.

Would it become one of those guys that has like the fake tits and you're just... What's a fake tit? You're like breastfeeding now. You're just the dorkiest loser dad of all time. That's funny. Gave up on everything. No, I'm kidding. But I really don't think we could...

I don't think this show can afford a third. I think I would have... Frankly, we took a vote and you're not allowed to have a third kid. You're not allowed. I actually... I would have more kids if I didn't care about my kids. I'd be like, yeah, I should have another. I don't care.

Right. But you're like, I'm focused on both now. Because having two, I'm like, how do I give each one of them as much love as I'm giving the other? Right. And raising, I'm going to raise them completely different. They have two totally different personalities already and needs and demands. A third would be, they would be neglected. It's always, it's how it works. It's not like all these parents were bad.

It's just hard to. Keep up with fucking three or four or five kids. I think I could wait six years from now and have a third, though. Yeah. I think that's, once the kids are in school and you have the baby. Then you get little helpers. The other kids will be like, cool. Yeah.

They, you go, you raise it. Exactly. Exactly. You're a daddy relaps. I did 17 years, no booze. You raise it. You guys raised the little shit. Go ahead.

You raise it. I gave up on you guys being normal when you're adults. You raise them. cheating on your mom and i'm cheating on my god i'm at the bar i'm at the bar and i'm muslin now i'm cheating on jesus christ and i worship all uh with mahomed at the bar i drink at a muslin theme bar i drink at a muslin bar and i go hello brother can i get another double shot which you can't be muslim and drink so i guess in muslim countries are there no bars no they all fucking drink and you heard that you can't be muslim and drink alcohol yeah you can't but

There's, like, if you're Christian, you got to give your money away to the poor. Nobody gives a fuck. But there's, like, weird, like, gay bars and shit in, like, Afghanistan or something like that. I don't know how it was. There are gay bars in Afghanistan. I saw some vice documentary. They have boy. They have boy cabals.

They figured something out of it. Why did we pull out of there? They figured something. We got to get back in there. We got to do Lemon Party Live in Saudi Arabia. I saw all these, every comic on Earth is doing Saudi Arabia. In Riyadh. Fucking Pete Davidson's performing for his parents' killer.

Dad's killer. That's like, that's like, that's like, the Batman giving the Joker a lap dance but yeah lemon party dot life for dates dates what we have to promote them no I know I'm saying dates it's just I didn't

wait it wasn't in a condescending way I'm just saying it was a funny voice I know you're a comedian but be sincere for once in your fucking life dates dates We got dates. We got dates. Dates.

Dates, classic dates. You cut the legs off under everything. Dates. I'll be in this day, I'll be there. I'll be avoiding reality in this day. I'll be avoiding my death in this day. We'll be binge drinking in Salt Lake City. Then we'll be binge drinking in Denver.

The day after that, I'll be repeating myself. In the day. Hope I die soon Hope I can find a trick of waitress And if I could be sorry To think about my own life I'm just gonna keep Tap dancing in the sky

All over America Until hopefully I just I hit my head And I die in my hotel Agent Sadd Agent thinks they can make a lot of money off of me.

There's a bunch of people that don't have talent that think they take 20% off of my talent. I'm just going to keep tap dancing all over time until I get big enough, and then I realize the matter how big I got, we all still dying, and there's no guy. Agent just told me, agent just called set tickets to Rubenwell and Boise.

Agent just said I might be able to become really famous in the worst era in modern history That's the title of the episode Famous in the worst era in modern history But we are coming to Salt Lake City What's the other one? Denver Colorado And we don't make any money

Because traveling is so expensive before people but we have so much fun. We have so much fun. They are really fun. It's so, so fun. Yeah, we make. So please come out. We have an insanely fun.

We somehow, I swear to God, make $80 every time we tour, which is fine. It's fine. It's just we get to stay in a hotel and see a city. I really just go, yeah, to drunk drive in other states and make fun of people with no context whatsoever. Yeah. That's what I like. Rochford's doing his scuff realtor stuff in a van. That's how he's cutting that shit down.

So he has the big van and he has insane amounts of merch in it. And he drives from gig to gig. Oh, he's doing live scuffed realtor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, with Alex. I thought he was, like, driving the van past the houses and reviewing them, like, live while he's driving around. That would be good, too, actually.

Oh, well, he is a projector and all that's crazy shit, yeah. We should get a van. Yeah. We can fuck people in it. Yeah. We can grab people off the street and fuck them in the van. We actually really can't do the van thing because we're West Coast. we'd have to drive way too far to even

did you hear that upstairs some movement it's probably somebody I think you hit you think your arm hit something no there's nothing here for me to hit it's all it's all air baby I didn't get a thing on my phone I think it's fine and if that we'll be dead who cares what if what if we had George Floyd's coffin behind this

reveal George Floyd and a goal Like linen's body In Russia It's been like perfectly It's the arc of the covenant for BLM It's been perfectly preserved It's the woke arc of the covenant

We're like we won it in an auction There was a there was a raffle We won George Floyd's body Patreon.com slash lemon party for patrons as well And we love you guys Love you As always Love you

Oh shit I wonder what the noise was Thank you Thank you guys for Thank you guys for supporting us We salute you Thank you for Thank you for supporting my family

And giving me Life and opportunity And thank you for Blessing me So I could buy big jeans Which Devin and Jay are not fans of No sir

They hate my big jeans No sir No sir No sir You look like you're about to get ass fucked. My wife likes them, and they're like high-waisted. They kick ass.

Oh, wow. Yeah. You look like you're in Haim. Wild. Yeah, I don't know, man. The back looks good, though. See my ass? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm going to keep rocking them. I mean, you've never cared about how you look, so that's fine. Well, I'm on neutrophil now, so that's not true. What is neuterful? It's not go bald.

for the that's you gotta take like fucking monoxidil and shit I think you gotta take the real stuff that stuff doesn't all those like scams

don't do anything yeah you got I read studies with placebos and stuff that it worked that it works yeah

okay those are lines and my wife was thinning at one point and she took it and her stuff grew all right

it's placebo you gotta take monocidal use hymns promocode promo or I'll take that it's the same thing

right yeah it's no it's monocid Okay, well, maybe I'll take that. I don't know. Pramicoot lemon. I don't know, man. Promote lemon. I don't know, man.