lemonparty - 149: Turd Rituals

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

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Well, it's a chicken, one, war, chicken, chicken beans. One, one, chicken, one, chicken, boy, chicken beans. Yeah, you like my outfit, don't even make the diger. I thought you said you had a girl on the light meal. Always in my face, talking missing. Well, it would be a perfect Boston saying. I mean, it's just drop pick Murphy's. Shipman off the Boston, yeah.

But people can't hold each other in the stands and, like, the seventh inning. Yeah, it should be, the Red Sox song should be, they should play all of money for nothing so they can say faggot in the middle of it. That little faggot got his own jet airplane. I'll bleep in that. You have to bleep that. First minute on YouTube, we can't be dropping. We can't do them the first minute. We can't.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot after 61 seconds. We're trying to get really big. on YouTube. We're trying to get recommended next to H3. We got to get some big views on YouTube. So what you do? The first 20 minutes of the show is just kind of make it real clunky and essentially

nothing is said. Are you okay there? Yeah. All right. You got into your chair like a monkey getting out of a net. It's kind of crazy. Where are you guys about looking at it right now? You're just a fascinating man.

You hate when I am talking. No, I don't. You hate when I'm talking. We're, no, we're just that we're recording this very late, and then you were standing there, like, you kept adding on new sentences to what you were saying. You were doing that Ben thing, where no matter how many times, Jason and I yawned, you picked up on zero cue. And it was very interesting Cormac McCarthy information. But I was like, ooh, Ben's all hyped up on Mountain Dew and Taco Bell. And, uh, and tell us about Cormac McCarthy.

Jason and I are like, all right, we, we only, come on, this magic. It's 11 p.m. My wine is giving me a hangover already. I'm going to fall asleep on the drive to San Diego and be dead. Because of your Cormond McCarthy stories. No. Life is my whore and I lust after her. It's poetic. It's beautiful.

Who said that? I get rock hard for the pussy of life and I want to fuck it. You guys get mad because I get all amped up. I get hyper. I get fixated on stuff. Maybe I'm just trying to blow it. my load. No, we get mad because... You guys are gonna be a guy around

Ben having a, he's like, he hasn't said it out loud yet, but he's having a heart attack and he holds his chest and Ben's like, and I guess they're just like deep state pedophiles that are just like, but I guess that's like what the world is run off of now. I guess we all are just kind of like Satanist or something.

And the guy's like, yeah, and Ben's just like, and I, and Cormac talked about this actually at the end. You really do treat social cues like a train running through like fence posts. You're like, your conversational, you're the movie speed. If you stop going. My favorite thing is...

You've got to, like, blow, like, baby strollers out of the way, all types of shit. My favorite thing is when we're on the road and somebody's like, Ben, you play this song and he puts it on and then Ben, Ben, the minute it starts, Ben goes, I guess, like, people in these towns just like, there's not really, they, their life is over so they don't even bother leaving the play? And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the song, though, we're... We did that on the way back from the dog.

I wanted to show you guys a song, and he put it on you're like, but the thing is they rape them until they're dead. And I'm, I'm going, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. As I'm cringing the volume higher and higher. I go, this is a cover they did live. It's very good. It's a cover of Arcade Fire.

Trembled by Turtles. It's a great cover. I listened to that whole thing on the way back from Taco Bell that you had us listen to. No one said a word. He put it on for four and a half minutes. This is why I'm bringing it up. We patiently sat there. We listened to Jace's whole song he wanted us to listen to at the volume he requested.

You listened to the last three minutes of it after the pedophile talk. No, that's not true at all. We caught the, no, we did. We caught the last three minutes. But the first minute you were winding down. You were winding down on some sort of. And you were, by the way, you had all the talk about stacked in front of you, like a pyramid. It was like blocking the view of driving.

Mm-hmm. I don't know how you get anywhere. To me, I feel like those shoes are like helies and you just kind of slip and slide around town all day. You're always kind of doing like a baby's day out type thing. Like you step and you don't realize where you're going, but you step on a big pole that's being lifted on a construction side. It takes you to another pole. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, like your whole life is just it's a happy Gilmer's final shot, but it's you. You're the ball going into this Rube Gold. Oldberg machine of life, being spit out of sewers and, like, gutters. I don't get to talk to regular people all week. No, I know. I'm just talking to babies. I love you. And then I come here and I get excited to talk to somebody.

I know. Who's not a fucking baby. No, I know. The first, we sat on my couch for like two hours and I thought you were waiting for something important. You don't come visit me. I'm all alone. I tried to come out last week and you were doing your fucking Third Reich show. Oh, come on.

That's fucked up. That's a jelly joke. Devin, that's a cheap shot. That's a cheap shot. That's below the belt. That is below the belt. That's not okay. I shouldn't have said that.

That's fine. Devin goes, what are the comments? I'm just going to act like I agree with them. Because I'm a mass manipulator of the digital comments. They've willed them for eat my own evil. Master manipulator and habitual liar, too. Devin lurks and then just throws logs on the flames. I actually haven't checked into the live stream.

It actually looks very good to me lately when I, Just see it pop up. You look cool. Thanks. You look really cool, actually. You're cool, good. You look like very Matrix-y. Thanks.

You look like a broadcaster. Like, if the Matrix had scenes where they cut away to, like, a broadcaster who was, like, explaining everything. Like the Tucker Carlson and Zion. Yeah, exactly. So apparently Neo is dodging bullet, like. Tucker Carlson being like, they're all in a big rave and they're fucking each other. Yeah.

Yeah, that would be awesome. That was a cheap shot, though. Yeah. That's old and it's a hacky. Devin, it's a cheap shot. You might as well call me fat at this point. at this point. It is. That was, that was, that was the name of you. It was a cheap shot, Devin. It's a fourth Reich show. Not a third Reich. That's right. That's right. Get it right. I went to the

gym at 545 a.m. this morning, by the way. You've been crushing the gym? You're waking up that early. Yeah, because I'm trying to get my cortisol to, so I'm trying to go down when my kids go down at like 7.30. I'm in bed. Go to bed. Wake up a few hours before they wake up. I was in bed at 7.30. I was asleep by 9. I woke up at like probably 4.45. It's at the gym by 545. Wow. I'm trying to get my cortisol to speak early, peak early because I think the stress and the cortisol and everything is what's

making my body and my thyroid and everything go out of wax. What is this cortisol thing? You say you get really stressed out from working out? No, so I was working out late at night, waiting for my kids to go to bed. My cortisol would peak later in the day, and then I couldn't get to bed, so it was fucking up my sleep, messing up my circadian rhythm. my cortisol was peaking later in the day. You wanted to peak early, and then, I mean, Tommy Pope, who's a beautiful, I would suck him off six fucking ways from Sunday.

I can't believe how he looks. I would give him a blowjob in his truck if he asked me, rudely. If he was a dick about it, he better be rude. If you got in the truck and he grabbed the back of your head and pushed it down. If he shoved your head down like, like, like, Nicky and Casino with that wha. And he was still telling you about how he cooks meat. Yeah. You would even say, hey, by the way, I'm about to force you to suck my dick.

Yeah. Yeah. He's, and Tommy told us the secret to kind of being a degenerate a little bit and still looking beautiful. He's working out like an animal. But bright and early. Yeah. That means you got to have this circadian rhythm in check.

You got to have that cortisol peek and girly. And he said, you got to put rose hip oil on and rosemary oil. And, yeah, half a bottle of. vodka in your protein shake. Well, that's the thing. He's pickled. That's why he stays so young. Yeah. He looks amazing. He looks incredible. He looks great.

And he's so funny. We were shooting this thing with him and Connor downtown. Yeah. I know. I was upset. I didn't get to see him. I came up early, but we just didn't, everybody got sick. Everybody got sick. We couldn't hang. We filmed the thing with, I don't know, did he? It was, whatever. Just a look at dish thingy.

Whatever. You guys filmed Tire season three with Tommy. we're making our own tires you guys are making you call it the good tires it's very petty but when you're with a guy like that and he's so much older than you and you go fuck I look older than you

oh yeah my body's way shittier he explained to me that you got to be a fucking man right so he said no matter how hungover you are no matter how tired you are you got to wake up really early and go to the gym okay but what if I go to the gym and then I leave you're right okay what is he

do he he does weight's crazy crazy he doesn't have to do cardio because if you lift hard enough it's like cardio it's the same as cardio okay but what if you look get me what if you you you wake up at what if you wake up at 9 a.m. you look at your phone until 11 a.m. and then you walk around your neighborhood for 35 minutes with a big floppy hat on yeah what does that work I think it works the same way okay great yeah I'll look like Tommy Pope in no time then mm-hmm sounds revolutionary yeah I'm the first guy to realize you can walk, and that's good. Yeah. You told us you've been backpacking within your own neighborhood.

I'm like, what does that even mean? I put a bunch of weights in a backpack, and I walk around. You're like, I'm going hiking. No, I literally... I'm walking down Maine. I literally go, honey, I have to, if you, excuse me, I have to scare everyone in my neighborhood real quick. And I walk around in a big floppy hat and a backpack with about 20 pounds in it. Yeah.

Just looking for a... marathon to drop that backpack I go honey I have to put my rice cooker in my backpack and find some innocent people to change the trajectory of their lives Richard drool Richard drool Richard drool yeah I've been walking a lot I do like it I've been walking like an hour

15 hour 20 every day walking's great it's very good I'm sorry out of arthritis in my foot it's swollen like a balloon and that's why I started walking because you've lost the ability we kind of we started cherishing our ability to do it once we looked at you. We were like, I forgot we could do that

without being in pain, so we should start doing that. Jason and I take walks to, I drive up to San Diego and we walk around together and we go, isn't it funny? Ben can't do this? Sometimes seven can't make it down and I'll face time, I'll be like, this is so much better than what Ben's life is like. It is funny. Ben's, we're hanging off Tommy Pope, but Ben's like 10 years

younger than him, I think, and Ben is walking like he... I'm 11 years younger than Ben's. Ben's walking around like he just got off a horse after three. days of riding it. Rooster Cogburn at the end of Act 3. Yeah, you are aging like the guy who blows up the dynamine in the mines

for like gold rush gas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel bad for you, I gotta say. It's fine. It seems like it's a little better. Are you still in tons of pain? My toes are growing together like this for some reason.

And my foot's really swollen and I got to like ice it all day. The toes are like that? Yeah, my two, so my two middle toes are doing this. That's from all the dunking you've been doing throughout your life. That's, like, LeBron's feet. You got those spurs.

From all of... Is that a thing? LeBron's feet are all... Do black people's toes grow together? No, not black. LeBron, specifically, because he's just a athletic specimen. Who is black, but not because he's black, yeah. But he's, it's just from all the running and constant, you know, feet hitting the ground and the shoes and stuff.

Do they look like hooves? Like, what do they look like? They look insane. Like, the toes are all, like, on top of each other, kind of, yeah, they're horrific. He looks like his feet are telling a lie. That's what his feet look like. Yes. yeah oh god it makes sense

i remember back in the day really loving mcdonalds and i was thinking about that kind of era of getting really really really high and drunk you know twisted and then going down to the mcdonald's drive-thru

and i was just thinking about all the people had hang out with at house parties and stuff and like what happened to them and then i saw this instagram video because this was i grew up in the era like you're at a house party you're at your friend And he has gauges. Uh-huh.

You know, this isn't really a thing anymore for what I gather. The gauges and all that shit. Can I say, this guy looks like if you were raped as much as I was growing up. But do you see he has the damn, like, green, the damn green gauges and the mustache and is doing. He's got gauges? He looks like he runs a chop shop for food. He's the first guy to get too fat for his gauges. He's putting rims on chicken sandwiches.

Maybe you're right, Jays, these aren't gauges, but it looks like he has long, he's big lobed. Yeah, he might have gotten so fat that his ears started to fall apart. So it looks like he has gauges. Maybe he just turned his ears into onion rings. Yeah, he might have got such bad cystic acne from the onion rings he's eating that they just popped big holes in his earlobes, who knows? This big back is up in Lancaster. And this shit was pissing me off, too, because they always, these types of guys I knew always had these cutesy kinds of of relationships.

They felt special because they were hipster in a small, quote unquote, small town in like 2012. Yeah, big fish, small pond, yeah. Probably not this lane, but a degree away from doing the mustache tattooed on their finger and raising it to their upper lip type of guys. Yeah, any other city that was bigger, they'd live a life that would completely make them hang themselves in their closet one day. Correct.

But these guys were in a small enough town that they would show a 19-year-old. a Charlie Kaufman film for the first time and get to fuck her until she left him because she realized she had emotional issues and that's why she was fucking this 35 year old. But that's a good life for that guy.

But we knew these types of guys when they were like in their 20s. This is what they are now. They're Pokemon size. Yeah. I go through. And they're this personality here Jase it does not age well. No, it does not. This regressive cutesy child

Watch what he does here. You ready to see this fucking bullshit? It says when you're... Oh, God, damn it. No, no, no, no, no. No. Shut up. His girlfriend's feeding him

and he's making like an anime yummy face while he's eating. He's doing cutesy. If you, yeah, I feel like the Chili's waitress should come with that big fajita thing and just push it into his face and make it

stamp him yeah stamp him yeah mark him for life for shame the struggle is real when you're out here ordering the triple dipper but your back says nah fam so she's out here doing full service spoon feeding like it's a baby bird situation at chilies he tagged chilies

I mean but this is the fallout of the hipster millennial this is the hipster millennial now they're like 500 pounds yeah it's hashtag couple comedy hashtag big back problems hashtag foodie fails hashtag relatable a f hashtag funny reels the way people used to do hashtag w t f back in like 2014 they're still doing this type of yeah of speaking this guy sucked ass in 2011 this guy quoted so many commercials and that is what got him through

high school when you go playoffs you want to talk about playoffs he loved 500 days of summer He loved it. He loved it. Loved it. And he's 500 pounds of a... 500 pounds of bummer. Checkmate. Big headshot.

Kill yourself. No, but this guy... You'd have to shoot this guy in the head multiple times to get to the brand. Oh yeah, it'd be like a zombie. But dude, this is like the people who saw her by Spike Jones. It goes, oh my God, it's me. Now look at the... Now, I mean, look at the now.

Look at the way the triglycerides have caught up. The phone from her would hang up on him. Blooper! Trying to get him to take a sip and put the cup down. But instead, he just kept sipping. I don't know, anyway, here's a blooper. All right. Big Mac, under a minute challenge.

Nobody's embarrassed by anything. That's kind of what's amazing about. There's no shame whatsoever. He's not even good at eating quick, which makes me more pissed off, actually. Done. Here's my time. All right. 49 seconds.

Big Mac, under a minute challenge. It's just so. This is a challenge. What does his stupid fucking hat say? It says retired. Drug dealer. Great. This is what I'm saying.

Dude, he was selling weed in college. He had the gauges. He was the cool dude who showed you animal collective. You showed you Animal Collective You're like, I heard of them three years ago You stopped pretending you showed me them for the first time And this guy was This guy sucked ass in 2011

Seeing him in 2025 is like seeing a dinosaur in real life Like this is something from an ancient era That's dead I thought most of these guys just became neo-Nazis He's eating a vat of Wendy's chili Yeah, it's got his own finger inside of it It's fat He chopped his own finger off

That's a vat, he ordered the vats my wife are going to meet some friends for lunch but i was so hungry so i stopped at wendy's got me a little snag first i want to try this chili where do you get a cartoon-sized spoon my normal spoon small cereal spoon buddy you should be killed he thinks the word spoon is very funny it's that type of guy salad fingers i didn't know they made chili that big the spoon is big take the nugget my spoon is too big yeah he's one of those guys he was really into donna hurtsville He's really into Don Hertzfeld until Hertzfeld make cartoons about how you need to live a meaningful life. Do you think if this guy goes to the zoo, the animals flip out?

Like they go, what the fuck? Why? Get in! Yeah, they're like, get away from the gorilla cage. They're trying to kill. They're just throwing their bodies against the bars. A walrus would put a gun to his head. How many times do you think this guy used the word self-care in 2018?

Yeah, he's probably real big on that. He calls burgers self-care. He's literally the guy from Popeye. Yeah. I'll pay you a dollar to tomorrow for a cheeseburger today. He moisturizes with mac sauce. The whole thing really just is, I don't know, because there's nothing to do. You just see that people kind of arrive where they are, and then they're just kind of waiting to die.

I mean, look at that lavelyar, it looks microscopic on him. They're not that small. It looks, yeah, it looks like a fly landed on him. You're right, those are gauges, Ben. Okay, so he's, he had a chicken from Costco. He called it his emotional support animal. Are those gauges or hula hoops? Uh,

uh, Big back tries to tie his shoes. Yeah, he's one of those guys where it's, he, he likes to, he like, he definitely pretends he used to skate, but instead he never did. He just broke a lot of wood. Yeah, he broke, he broke, he broke, he broke, he broke, he broke empty swimming pools, yeah. Just ramps and they had water before he, he jumped a, yeah, ramps, you're, you're wondering why the ramp at the skate park is bent. And here he's, he's trying to run. Yeah, he's like, well, he's, he's like, well.

one of those guys has turned himself into like, I know I'm fast. I come on. I've kind of talked about this on my streams before, but it's the, we used to have natural LOL cows. Yes, but now they're playing into it. Yes, now they're too aware and they're all hacks now. Self-aware. I'm like, I don't want to make fun of you because you're just trying to farm engagement

off of me. I need you to be mad about me trolling you and making fun of you. It's just the, it's the hackening. of every, everything is a hat. Everything's gonna copy of a copy. Yeah, because this guy was supposed to not be in on the joke and then eventually take his own life one day. Yeah, and that was why it was funny.

Or get better. Or get better. Or like try. But his wife is an evil bitch too. Feeding him. It really is the most evil thing you could do is, uh... Like, it's cute. Like, this is just cute. It's like, I mean, do you guys, like, love each other at all?

Does anyone, do you ever look at the other one and go, hey, you're gonna fuck, your heart's gonna explain. and so is mine. What are we doing? Yeah, if you love me, why are you injecting heroin into my thigh? What is this? Is this him, is this him three weeks later? Okay, so you remember this guy? He takes videos of his fat son. Yeah. This guy.

Yeah. You, of course, remember, bro. He just videos his fat son. And then the camera flips him. He's like, what's up, y'all? The wife still has not come back. if you could um we have a go fund me for nine dollars if you could donate so what so my wife's declared herself missing my wife is uh my wife has made herself enter a fugue state if you could donate we need nine more dollars to buy the dennis the menace ice cream at dairy queen so like and subscribe who here is him i bookmarked this because this is another one of the l l l l cows being self-aware oh everyone sitting out here doing a little porch talk today it's

about it's afternoon I just thought I'd get on here and talk about some things listen guys that's not a wind chime that's various all of these videos I put on here it's just to get people like 20 microwaves going off bad or good me and my son my family we don't take this stuff to heart I know it's cruel a lot of it's cruel but it's just a part on my channel TikTok. He's talking about our podcast. He's saying bad engagement, good engagement. I don't really care. I just post this stuff to get y'all talking.

Because he's trying to make money on the gram. You know, when you see all these hate comments, the only thing he doesn't take to the heart. He goes, I'm too busy taking butter. I got plenty. Plenty isn't hitting my heart all the time. I really don't care about the lack of engagement. You want to hurt my heart? I say take a number. We got triglycerides.

been waiting in line for a long time. It's part of what I'm doing. So I know, I know what, there's a lot of bullies out there. I know, you know, what's online bullying, but I don't, I don't, I don't try to eat. We don't pay no attention to it. 90% of time, I don't even read them. You guys could, uh. But it's just part of what I do.

So he, so now he's saying, you goes, this is what I do. I'm trying to piss you guys off. I'm filming my 500-pound son who looks like a grizzly bear trying to get up off the floor after he's been shot with a dart in Jumanji. I'm videoing that for engagement. I don't care what y'all do to make fun of me. I will continue to slowly poison my family.

I don't care. Now, if you could donate to my go-fund me because I accidentally ate half of my goatee because I thought it was a croissant. I ate my mustache off my own face. We're domestic terrorists for health, actually. Me and the family were going out today. we're going to go blow up some sweet greens light some simply salads on fire i'm public enemy number

one at kaiser we're going to whole foods and we're just we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna blow up the fish oil aisle because we heard that shit is apparently good for your heart or something we hate omega-3s in this home just eco-terrorism but for like kelp yeah exactly what's up guys we went and we shit in all the vitamin b pills we're killing gwyneth paltrow today. Hey, what's up all? We thought she sold Goop that you could eat. I said, I've been wanting Goop for a long time.

We found out this skinny cunt selling salads. So we cut her head off. We haven't seen the movie 7. We just did that. Everybody keeps calming in the movie 7. I don't know what that means. Anyway, tune in to the, if you see, See the live on the profile picture, tune-in.

We're going to be eating Winif Poutreau on the live. We're going to do Muck Bang. Brad Barbecue Pit. Hey, guys. I'm here at the Brad Barbecue Pit. They're going to fillet me today. They're going to cut my belly open on the grill and cook what falls out. What's up, y'all?

Thanks for tune in. So today I'm on top of a big zigorot. I'm going to have my... What's up, y'all? They're going to empty my guts onto a big stomach. Didn't know I was alive until I flipped the camera on my phone and saw myself. I guess I'm still here. Okay, here's a good one.

So this guy, so this is, in terms of, like, bullying and everything, I didn't realize that these people that we watch on Instagram send each other cherish. They're being taken advantage of by companies everywhere. Did you realize this? Not only by, like, you know, fruity pebbles marketing to them that they need to have 180 grams of sugar by 8.30 in the morning. I'm not talking about them being taking advantage of there in terms of that.

Like, car dealerships are taking advantage of people like this. What are they selling them? This is a car dealership ad? This man is deeply, deeply unwell. Here's him at a car dealership buying a car. Okay. The guy who... This man has like a

50 IQ. The black... Watch, they sell him a brand new car. What? He's like beetle juice. Oh, my God. They're all enabling them. He's three feet tall. Where are they all allowing this?

Why has he got that? Dude, he needs a guardian. Oh, he's got to hit the gong. He just bought a car, yeah. He hits the gong and a big trap door opens. Look, they do the whole thing. Oh, you know. What kind of deal did this guy get?

They signed him to a deal where the guy went back and had to wash his hands afterwards. He was like, all right, sir, I got you non-co-signers. So you tricked into signing. We got you signed to a 200-month lease, $900 a month. It looks like they just gave him the bathroom key. Dude, he's three feet tall. That's a big ceremony for him to take a shit. Look at him he's walking with his sandals.

Yeah. He like burst through his crocs. Oh, this poor man. He says, getting my new 2026. Is that Hyundai? Yeah. Can you see what it is or a Kia? Hey, they go, hey, guys, we sold the new

2026 Kia to a black man who dresses like a fat 12-year-old from 2005. And by the way, this is what I was saying. They're giving cars away. They're completely free now. Guys, good news. The dealership isn't going on. We just sold the car to a guy who looks like A.J.

Soprano in season one. that's ridiculous we just yeah and again i'm proving to you he's deeply unwell he's in the hospital with a rack of money way where oh yeah yeah he's deeply unwell yeah the the repo man followed him out of the dealership they parked the car and he took it right back to the lot can't stop the hustle what how did he hustle what does he got the money for i do i do love no matter how retired a black person is they still will money fan somehow They still will find $400 to do a money fan in an Instagram post. He says this is how he eats his watermelon.

That's why he's making the money. You know, it's funny. This is no worse than anything King botched did in 2017. This is how I eat the watermelon. This is like the child that Al Roker abandoned. He's in a Kia, 26, Sorrento, and he says he's driving it. Big Unkway. He's absolutely lost, right?

He's lost on a mythical road. He's not driving. He just looks at the screen. He goes, the car is on the screen. Oh, yeah. He just stares at the car on the screen. He's somehow, like, in, he's going to get out of the car. He's in Albania somehow.

He's in, like, the Kersikstan Mountains. Oh, my God. Does he have eyes? He sold this man a car. He can't speak. He doesn't have eyes. mole man oh yeah the black ronald jinkies this guy lives in a big hole underground he digs money once again another money fan is that seven dollars can you zoom in how much money is that

those those are dollar bills those are dollar bills he has seven dollars how do i zoom in on he got the new kea though that's good for him the 2026 kea serento yeah i believe that's seven That's seven dollars He looks like a retarded white guy That was dipped in chocolate Maybe that's it He might not Maybe he fell into

He might have fallen into a Foster's Free gift station I had to do my dance I had to do my dance Can he speak Do you think he can speak Did he just grunt his way Through the card deal

I think he barks He barks like a dog He dropped his money I bet when he goes Oh he's dropped seven dollars Fuck Well he'll never be able to get that Because his hips don't bend

Do you think when he goes and takes a shit He gets confused over which one is him Which one's the shit He's like I don't know which one He thinks he's looking into his reflection Yeah He sleeps in the

He calls the toilet the mirror God He sleeps in the pipes It automatically flushes his shit He starts screaming Because he thinks he disappeared He's so mean He only has like 67 lights

We're awful Is this the Patriots? No, it can't be the Patriot Unc shaken back And he's just eating watermelon Good God Again And there's, you know, you throw a stone, you hit a retard like this.

They're all over. They live in the hospital. Half their pictures are them in the hospital. They always have a wristband on. It's just, I didn't know they could sell them a car at a car deal. The bank, the car dealers are awful human beings. Yeah, no, they're terrible. They trick them.

I bet the day, I bet the second. They should be sued. I bet the second Martin Luther King died, this man was born. who was like tied to each other somehow. Like Ailey's comment or something? Yeah, it was like, well, it was like, a great black man exited the world and a terrible black man entered it at the same time.

It's like a ying and a yang type of thing. Jase, we have to read the ads before we forget. Before we get too deep into the, uh... Before we get to, uh, before we dunk on big unk, uh, too much. Let me... I can't believe that. It's like selling a car to a, to a severed limb. Yeah, it's like going to like the OKC bombing and then started selling cars, yeah.

You're like, I found a, I found the wrist holding money, and I just sold it a car. But guys, if you got as much money as Big Unk, that's right, $7, you should check out Price Picks. This episode is brought to you by Price Picks. You know, you and I make decisions every day, but on Price Picks, being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this season on prize picks where it's good to be right. It's easy to get started. Just choose more or less on player stat projections. And if you pick right, you can cash in.

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Price Picks, it's good to be right. Thank you, prize picks. And now back to the show. except it's not back to the show because I want to tell you about Factor I'm sure you can meal prep and have 15 fucking Tupperware containers in the fridge or you can eat Factor meals

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one year. Get delicious, ready to eat. meals delivered with factor offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription plan thank you factor and now back to big onk in the rest of the show so i actually i actually posted on twitter i was i was getting out of the sauna this morning and i posted um to email me links of questions you might have for us or anything submissions skills, anything. Fucking, everything was worthless.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Fucking retarded. I noticed you were trying to bring the people in. And if anything, we need to keep them very far away. We have to build a big mode around the studio and keep them out. Some people saw, they go, hey, I saw the tweet, consider this. And then they sent me a thing that wasn't their content that had nothing to do with them that they thought was an interesting video. They didn't even understand what I was.

Hey, I saw the tweet. Consider this. How do I get home? Now, when a fan recommends something to do on the show, I act like I'm pouring hot oil off the side of a castle. I'm like, you've got to get the fuck out of here. Which is such a fun trope to have a big boiling pot of magma that you pour over. As a guy runs up, he's like, make fun of the retarded baby. They just go, psh. I have one here that I thought was the best of the best.

And I was going to pick the best anyway. Okay. this guy so this guy his name is mark and he sent this to me he actually makes a living doing this i i can't believe what i'm about to show you okay this is a fan of lemon party this is him in the video he emailed me yes he emailed me this is what he does for a living he travels feeding like a bald eagle by a lake or something what is that can we say his name uh i already said his name okay oh he does tech tech stuff He's professional.

He's a pro. I'm going to turn the music off in case it's copyrighted. He's a professional tech deck finger skater. That was kind of cool. Finger skater.

That is cool. The moves are cool. He did a move. That's him. He makes a living. This is his life. He's a professional athlete. I love that it's filmed the same way

as an actual skate video. Yeah. With the fish eye winds and everything. Yeah. How does he make a living doing this? He explained. it to me that he goes on tour and flipped around a bunch he did like a trick wow he makes tens of thousands of dollars he must get tons of pussy off this nice he set up his own little

ramp by the lake he could I don't think his friends his friends seem to be ignoring the fact that he's there his friends don't seem to like yeah his friends don't seem to be into this they're just trying to swim and he's kind of sadly just standing next to his bowl doing his finger tricks with his skateboard. Damn. This is much worse than actual skateboarding. That's probably hard to do what he's doing, right? Oh, it's very hard. It is. But kind of who gives a shit,

standing on your head and eating a shit that falls out of your butt is also hard. It doesn't mean I... It's only makes money doing this, I guess. No, that's great. No, it's a talent. Got blessed. It's a talent. I know. We're like

his asshole parents who are trying to be nice. It's kind of like the, you know, you have a straw at the diner and you put your finger on the top of it and the water stays in the straw. And then you drink it out of the straw. Or you, you know, you crush up the, you crush up the paper from the straw and then it starts getting bigger. Right. You know, you drop a little water drop it on it, it gets a little bigger. What does you say? I am 22.

I live in Florida, and I've been doing this for around 14 years. I grew up on tech decks. graduated to wooden boards from Germany and Spain. He gets it. Of course, there are moments of it feeling lame and retarded, but it just stems from current skateboard culture, which I, that's, yeah, good. Yeah. That's good.

You should have definitely sent that video into the most critical show on the other. And I guess this is his... Oh, that's his personal YouTube. That was somebody else that was just featuring him, I guess. Yeah, but he doesn't have any... No, he has videos. Yeah. Yeah, here you go.

Okay. His face is blurred. Whoa. All right. This is such a funny music combo. You're playing like Slayer, like, Where do you play? Incredible.

Do you get injuries with this? Yeah, you tore an ACL. It'd be funny if he wore a helmet to do this. That was cool. I mean, it must take a lot of time. No, it's very, yeah, you figure it out. You need a lot of practice to do that. It's just amazing.

I think that what we're fascinated by is dedicating so much of your life to something that gets negative pussy. Yeah. Which is fine. Listen, I'm into drawing and comedy, which sucks. I thought cartoonist always got mad pussy, though, right? Cartoos get crazy lady pussy, right? I don't even think Art Crom got pussy, really. I think he plucked, like, one lady.

Cartoonists don't get pussy If they do get pussy It's like schizophrenic women Who are you know Either gonna drown their kids Or go to a Comic Con And fuck the guy who draws Batman It's almost like if you did like

Yeah with the lack of pussy thing It's almost as if you did like Fish Eye lens on you jacking off But you're doing like spins You're like who yeah You're like putting your dick Like through the legs and stuff You're like you're like hitting your dick

With your fingers Like it's Chinese Thundersticks Yeah Yeah, hey man, that's cool. God bless. I don't want to be mean. No, I thought he had balls for even sitting it to me.

He does have balls. Can you put another one on real quick? That's him playing a video game. Yeah, here you go, Jace. All right, thank you. Enjoy. There it is. So there's a real skateboard.

There's a like how it starts. Hey, here's, I'm not going to do this, but here's what a real skateboard is. And by the way, this is a new segment of the show I call the Lemon Party Talent Show. Okay. where the LP fans get to come up and show off their brave. How are they going to top this? I know. How long until you get the email of a guy hanging himself on camera?

This is kind of like... It's like if you turn, like, squeezing a stress ball into a... Yeah. Into a thing. It's like if I'm the world's best guy doing the thing with the pencil where it looks curvy. Or you have a bottle of water and you flip it in the air and hope it lands on itself. Yeah. I think those guys actually get tons of pussy.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. Those guys, like, go on, like, Logan Paul's podcast. Now I'm wondering if there's, like, professional paper airplane makers. There is? Is there a competition for it? I've seen one guy, I think, interviewed on Vice about his... Oh, that's the longest one. I've seen this one before.

This one? Yeah, world record flight. It's actually pretty impressive. There it is. There it is. You're shooting me. Yeah, look at that. That's going to do it.

Get up there. Get up there. Does it come back up? There we go. In Marin County. Murnan County. They have commentators on this. You can throw a paper airplane 226 feet, but you just saw the new Guinness World record in that.

It broke the old one by nearly 20 feet. The guy who threw it is a former University of California quarterback. Holy shit. That's cool. He says that it took about a year to get this right, and that it took a lot of finesse and strength. I'll bet so. And there was a big crowd.

You think that takes strength? Former quarterback, he's got to be happy about where his life's gone. Yeah, the guy who's back up for is worth $19 million. And fucks a woman who looks like God made her himself. He used to be the starting quarterback, and now he's in a gymnasium with a bunch of mentally ill people. Yeah. Throwing paper. Yeah.

Well, a guy with a bow tie with paper airplanes on, it goes, woo! And there's an announcer there, like a character from Dodgeball announcing the paper airplane. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, this event was sponsored by fries.com. They donated $40. to do this today. They need to do a study about suicide rates amongst high school quarterbacks. It's got to be the worst life. It's a fascinating thing, yeah, because especially the guys where they really thought they were going

to go and then they get an injury. It's almost like they died, and they now live like a second life of, it's brutal. The booby miles in a Friday night lines is, it's so hard to watch. There's a lot of people like that. Tons of tons, yeah. Guys who are, you know, driving a truck, and they're like, oh, I had, you know, that one play, I would have been in a mansion in Florida. right now getting my dick sucked but instead i'm killing a lot lizard in disbee arizona

right now crazy how life twists and turns yeah it's enough to make your head spin you know that's why it's better to be a loser who you slowly crawl out of it barely because you put everything off yeah you're like all it is i'm only carrying off football and then that doesn't happen and you go what the fuck do i have what do i do you're like i have a communications degree in Asian guy got for me, so I don't know anything. And then, yeah, and then you wind up, you're at, like, Team Mobile and you're being really aggressive with the customers because you have this weird rage coming from some place. You haven't addressed.

My favorite are also the guys who had dinning in sad, but they just kind of, like, played pro for two years, three years, and now they are, like, they're the guy who closes the mortgage. Yeah. You know, they're at a place called, like, Southern, South Carolina mortgage associates. And they're like, this guy, you remember, he. played it he played at bama they bring him in and he's all fat and swollen and yeah

it's you got to the only pipe the the route you got to take is you got to start like you got to like get into like coaching or hope you could still get a job on the team in some way like on the local you know but even that unless you're a head coach that's brutal because you're working like 100 hour weeks making like 20K a year

yeah but it's still the ego of it you still get to wear the team and the town still you know they'll give you some free fried food you know You're the general. Yeah. You know? You're the cowboy.

Right. I think I'd have to believe in fate. Something like that happened to me. That you did something bad? Prom king. No, I would just say that no country line of you never know what worst luck, your bad luck saved you from. And so instead of saying, oh, well, it was meant to be this way. If I had gone into the NFL.

Yeah, you'd be grateful. Then I'd be. You've got to be grateful about that spinal injury. Yeah, you're like, if it wasn't for that injury that put me in this wheelchair, I'd be, I'd be overdosing on pussy right now. So thank God that didn't happen. Which is bad. And it keeps you actually, you know, from God. Yeah.

Although I would love it. It's a wonderful life situation where he's like, I wish I could know what my life would have been like. And an angel shows him. And he's like, it would just kick ass 24-7. Like nothing bad happened ever. You got to start thinking about the positives that you go, like, I guess like the big game was stressful. Yeah. So I don't have to deal with that stress anymore.

Now my biggest stress is getting out of the wheelchair onto the toilet. So I can handle that. I'm not letting 30,000 people down when I fail on that. At least people carry me sometimes. I love to tell myself stuff that I can't know, but I tell myself I know it for sure. Like it's intuition where I go, oh, well, that was the best decision I ever made because if not, I'd be dead now. Like, I don't know that. And like maybe the path I went down this way.

Maybe I'll be dead in five months and I don't even know. I'll do that. Maybe I'm stressed about everything. I don't even know I'll be dead in a week. I'll be crushed by a hundred eighteen wheelers. It could happen. At once. You're crushed by 18 wheelers.

And a space shuttle. Crushed by an 18 wheeler carrying 18 wheelers. I will oscillate back. What if you find out I died by it, it's the Guinness record for the most cars ran me over ever. Uh-huh. That has ever run anyone over. The sheriff's more than Tianan Square. Yeah.

The sheriff is like, yeah, they just. it was like a whole day just nobody stopped and then we go did you have any we didn't want to stop traffic they go it was the five it was a busy day nobody stopped

he was already dead so it's like why and we're like oh is there anything left and they're like we found a smushed ring and half a tooth we threw it out because we didn't give enough of a shit to bring it to you it's kind of like when there's a bird

that's been smushed into the asphalt and you don't bother to even go around it because it's been run over a thousand times. It's like, what are you going to do, scrape it out of the asphalt? Yeah, he's a part of the road. It's a part of the road now. Yeah. He's filled the potholes. Yes.

He did his job. He did a great service, actually. Yeah, his watch was actually completely unharmed. That was stolen by an Armenian guy who got out of his car. By the way, shout out to CT Daniel 225 got me this watch. The only man that Waymos even kept going. The Waymo's were stopping, and then the Waymo IT team reprogrammed them to run over your brother. Yeah.

Yeah. We're sorry, but he deserved it. At CT Daniel 252 sent me this watch for, it's a World War II watch. Now, I don't know which side the watch fought for. Sure. What do the hands look like? Are they bent at 90-degree angles? It is pretty cool, though.

It's a pretty nifty thing. took it apart and everything. I posted a video on my ex. Yeah. Of him taking a part and making it a whirly bird and everything. Yeah, installing a camera and a recording device. It's that watch right there. What's crazy about this is I have to wind it every morning and I kind of like it.

Yeah. It's because there's a runoff batteries. Yeah. So you know what I don't understand? Like, can't this, can we make like a, why can't we have perpetual motion machines? I don't understand physics or math. So can you explain it to me without using physics or math? Because of friction.

I don't know. Everything's. okay so people say they go oh you wind the watch and then after 24 hours it's not going to go anymore but just wind it every day and then we have perpetual energy right so couldn't you have a thing like this you're putting energy

back into the machine so that's not perpetual let's just say it's perpetual though okay people go oh it's not technically perpetual but why can we have a house run off of something like this where you wind it every day and then it spins and like draws water up from the earth and gives you electricity

somehow through the friction of the water passing through like a magnet. Well, you could. You need about 500... You need about 500 slaves in order to do that, which is fine. I have a theory that everything was already made. I think about like 19-20, everything was pretty much made, and we actually don't know. I think it all just came.

Just magically? I think it came with life. Are you saying aliens brought us this stuff? I just think it happened. And I think there's people down there pretending that they know how to do it because they need jobs, but it's all there. Oh, that's interesting. It's already been a thing. they've just been waiting to unveil it every year

you're saying like FDR already ushered in all this stuff I think we've had it forever I just feel like life came with the settings you think they've had iPhones for hundreds of years sure yeah I don't think anyone invented anything I think FDR was jacking off to X videos because it just makes sense that way from my brain it all came you it's always been it's always been it all came here it's already been here George Washington had an air 15

they just finally they opened up that that aisle at the store of life They go we can sell They go we have them We just have to wait until 2000 Congrats guys This is the year everybody gets electricity Yes exactly

Yeah you're like that I just think it was like because I believe in God like that I do that sometimes when I figure out Like the high five was invented in 19 like 72 And I just go that's not true It can't be The people Egyptians were high five To tell me cowboys didn't high five each other

If they like decimated a bunch of Indians or something Yeah that can't be true Come on 1970s There were these two Israeli guys in the sonnet the other day, the 24-hour fitness, and one of them was from China. Israeli guy from China? Yeah. She said his parents moved from Israel to China with him.

So he spoke fluent Chinese, and then the other guy was Israeli, but he lived in Vietnam for a while. And they were both talking about how America was such a giant shithole, and that this one Israeli guy wanted to go back to Hong Kong, and then the other Israeli guy said, He wanted to go back to Vietnam. And he's like, yeah, if you travel at all, you realize how big of a shithole America is. It's, like, the worst place I've ever lived. Yeah. Well, those guys are baby rapists and should have been locked in that sauna until they turned into little Jewish mushrooms. Sorry.

Don't care about your stupid Israeli opinion. Fuck you. And I'll tell that to any. any Israeli I match with on chutz dot com randomly they feel it they're like they're like uh jews from long island they're like long they're like it's like the long island of jews i feel like they seem pretty dopey and pigish warlike yeah yeah they dug too deep and too greedily as tolke would say but uh do you guys like buy the reason i bring it up though is you i bring it up though is Do you think we are going to, like, wake up one day and realize we live in a third world shithole, but we just have, like, a huge defense department and everything?

I think we have the most nukes, but, like, medicine's illegal, but we have really big TVs. I think we'll get to that point, but by then we will have, like, a house that sucks you off, like when you wake up. Yeah, they'll give us all the things that we, like, like that. Yeah. You'll be getting sucked off so much you can't think, you know. in China and stuff they have those trains that take you across the country in like five seconds or something yeah but it's full of Chinese people and they have cars with like great suspension and stuff that don't bump on bumpy roads driven by Chinese people we can't get any of that so yeah China has a high speed rail thorium reactors solar farms is a guy's tweet I'm reading here so they have like all this do you guys buy the Chinese propaganda I'm kind of starting to buy it a little bit oh I do I do think it's the year of the century of American humiliation a little bit.

I do think that's kind of true. I think China's going to beat our fucking ass in one day. I mean, clearly, there's so much better than us, you know. The Chinese? Yeah. They don't seem to get emotional about stuff. They're ants. They're ant people.

We have no chance. I think the Anglo is too emotional. And maybe that did produce great poetry and stuff, but people don't read anymore, so we need to start becoming psychopaths. It feels to be a little, like, an alienness to, like, an inhumane. Like, a lot of, like, really. Chinese people kind of look like they have a zipper. Like you can unzip them.

And there's a little guy in there. Is that bad? Well, because of the slur. The slur, yeah. Oh, well, that was actually used for Koreans. Oh, was it really? Racist. Hold on.

The tanks drove over their heads. I'm going to ask Grock. That's not for Chinese people. Actually, I'm going to see if... They don't use that word for Chinese people. Do they not? No. How do you know it's Korean?

They call them Charlie's. Mm-hmm. Charlie Chan's. And another thing. Another thing we will not mention here. And another thing. Because it's the public up. It's East and Southeast Asian.

Rooted in the Vietnam and Korean wars. I knew it wasn't Chinese people. One theory suggests the term refers to how a person's head would split open after being shot with a high-powered rifle as if being unzipped. Yeah. Which is funny. We named it after owning their heads. We did that.

We go, it's absolutely horrific. Here's a cute little name. It's a cute little name about that. Here, I just shot a child in a rice hat in the face. And then I go, oh, he's a stupid. Imagine doing that and you do that and you go, it kind of looks like a zipper. Yeah. Huh.

Let's call them that. Let's call them that. Anyway, you want to go smoke opium out of a rifle end? The other term, which we've all heard of, is the tracks of the military jeeps or tanks running over the bodies, which left the exact patterns. that's what i that's what i've heard yeah that's where the zipper comes it says the slurs used to dehumanize and mock what uh yeah uh but yeah no chinese people chinese people are also hated yeah they're intimidating yeah they're also hated by all asians that's how scary they are yeah they're they're the chinese Koreans vietnamese they all

hate chinese i keep hearing this from all my friends they go to they go to japan they go they go everywhere they're like and then they come back and they're just so depressed to be back here. Japan seems really sick. It seems awesome. Everyone says you realize you live in a third world country, but I don't want to drink the Kool-Aid of over there. You never have to be like afraid or anything in Japan. Like nobody has a gun unless you're killing the president. Yeah. Unless you made a gun out of a Nintendo 64 or whatever the guy did. Well, I would love being there just so I know I don't get raped because I'm stronger than everybody and bigger than everybody. No, I think they're out smart. You'd figure that out with you. You think a Japanese man could

rape me. I think three Japanese guys would stand on each other's shoulders and rape you. Like a Power Ranger. There'd be a Chinese guy for an arm, Chinese guy for a leg. I like how clean... They're like Japanese killer hornets where they assemble a ball and they vibrate around me.

There's a Chinese guy for the dick. He's the one that goes in your ass. They stick his Chinese head in your ass. Wait, why are they Chinese now? That's just what I call them. That's what I call them in my head as a sign of disrespect. I like how clean. clean Japanese culture feels everything feels clean

everything feels like freshly like sanitized I feel like everything kind of vaguely smells of poop though why I don't know something about their hair I think they come over here and it smells like poop and piss yeah I think they can't believe they I've smelled a Japanese guy before and like he's not wiping very good

because he's not used to not having the bidets and stuff over here because he's got he's out of his element yeah I've had friends that that's the same thing for them. You know what they do? They have the dignity, they have the respect for me. They unclothed and get in the shower after they take a shit and they bathe themselves.

Japanese people? No, these are just friends of mine who, if they don't have a bad bidet and they like using a bidet, they just take a shower after they take a shit. Okay. Really? This is what they do, yeah.

Hotel or whatever, they go, fuck it. I'll get completely naked shit. Who are those friends of yours? Is this like Wesley Willis you're hanging out with? Yeah, Rocky Mole McDonald's. What is his friend of mine? He's just so bad and shitting. He has to take a full bath.

Full bath after every shit. Not even a shower, a bath. He takes a bath. He's floating in shit water. I mean, someone like, yeah. He's bending over and spreading his ass cheeks so the water can hit his asshole. Yeah.

Like a dog that got into a pint of ice cream. Right. You just got to throw him in the ocean. Yeah, he just got to spray him down. And he's like wagling and shaking, trying to shake out shit water all over you. Yes. Yeah. But no, I think the Japanese smelled very clean, actually.

I saw the Wim Wenders movie Perfect Days, so I assume their bathrooms are very nice. I just wish we were number one, because we have so much money in taxes. If it got poured back into the States, we could kick so much ass. Yeah. We'd be so awesome. But pedophiles need to make money. We'd have medicine. Nobody'd be having sex with children.

Well, I don't think that's. I don't think they're doing a good job of that in Japan. I think the unfortunate thing is then you couldn't get like 40 or like you couldn't get like a family size thing of Doritos for like five bucks. It'd be like 10 bucks. Yeah, you couldn't get nine pounds of red dye 40. I'm not really worried about China. Why not? Because they have all the same corporations that we're all.

I think what will save us is that we all have malls and we all kind of have the same corporations running us. I've heard people go to like Beijing and they have like. it's the same they have like the outlets in Beijing it's like gap and all it's like we all that will that's like what's keeping us all together I think is that we're all kind of is them all under the gun of corporations yeah Chipotle will keep us from yeah I kind of feel like you might be right about that like it makes us all one yeah that is the great unifier the fact that they have KFCs yes exactly I just feel like they I feel like a Chinese guy would be like I don't want to kill them they made Nashville hot chicken yeah they're my brother like I don't

want to, I'm them. You know, they like all our, you know, all our culture. When I look at the most populated cities in China, I'm on like number 30. I got a list on like on number 30 and they go, Shishashi, population, 55 million people. And it's the biggest sea scape of a beautifully designed artistic. That's the 40th biggest GDP. Yeah. And then they're like, oh. Yes. And then they update. It's St. Louis. Yeah. Then they update the list. They're like, actually she shishishing. We had to burn it to the ground because force. students protested the government. Maybe all we're going to have to do is nuke a couple of those.

Just take out like 40, 50 million here and there. You think we nuke China? No. Interesting. But, like, maybe if we get a little intimidated or we're having a bad thing. Maybe if they do too many marches where they're stepping really high, we nuke them to hell. If they scare us with a march, maybe. Yeah, maybe we turn them into Temporo a little bit, you know?

Maybe that's what could save our country is if we went to war with China. If we get boots on the ground in China. we got to do like a normandy thing but with robots imagine a bunch of T-1,000's getting off of the U-boats and just coming through with katana arms and shotgun legs

so they can jump and shoot the shotguns and then slice their heads off then they get there and they see the Chinese culture and they go actually we want to live here this kicks ass and they just like you were like what happened to the T-1-000 and they're just like in little gardens like raking big sand pits with

like big hats on. Oh, the little San Zen gardens? Yeah, they're doing San Zen gardens and they have a wife named a kukul. They have a tiny Chinese wife named Kukul. That sucks off the robot. Yeah, she installed a dick on the robot so she could suck it off and it can come in her Chinese mouth.

And the robot goes, ooh, a kuku, I love you. It's so funny because you're totally mixing of Japanese culture and Chinese culture. Yes, on purpose as a sign of disrespect. This is a dog missing on a tree marking my territory

you think I'm doing it on that it's so funny because they both hate each other so much this is not a microaggression this is a macro aggression it's like mixing up Russia and America

because they're both white yeah yeah it kicks ass it rules it rules I'll do it all time I'll meet a Polish guy I'll call him Russian fuck you

yeah I can give a fuck I call Polish people Israelis yeah I care It's so funny to see a Polack You fucking Get out of here, Jew Killing all those Arabs

He's just a Polish guy Because I just wanted to eat the worst food of all time Yeah, you do, Jew Get out of here I do think if we try to invade China, Japan And that we'd like literally, like the first U-boat door would come down. And then China would just go like click, click, click. And then all our money is like deleted.

They just deleted the money. Yeah. It's going to be like cyber shit. Yeah. I'm wondering when the solar flare is going to wipe everything clean. Yeah. There's an asteroid headed for Earth by 2029 that we, uh... There you go.

We, there's a 3% chance of it wiping out. Is it big? Yeah, it's really big. They're going to, like, tam. They're trying to, like, taunt it or something to a different place. They're like, hey, and over here. They're like, hey, knock it off. Oh, not here.

Knock it off. It's something. It's pretty scary. Do you think they would tell us if that actually have? I don't think they would tell us. I know. They're not even telling us that Trump's dead. Right, exactly.

If we all, like, farted at the same time, would it release a methane cloud that envelops the earth and a big green wall of gas? And then the meteor hits that and disintegrates coming to the atmosphere because we all, like, shit our pants at the same time? What if it just, it smash just cuts to you? accepting the Nobel Peace Prize You're in Geneva It's like, yeah Every whole army is saluting But there's shit in the pants

Like the end of Star Wars The sky is green The sky is green People are coughing But they're like You just ticker-tape parade I'm like Murray Gelman They give me a whole piece prize

And everything This is Fritz Harbor He invented putting nitrogen in the ground but he also filled the earth with mustard gas in the form of farts shout out Joe Rogan, Fritz Harbor loved that guy I don't understand why we can't

throw some sort of lasso on another planet and then pull the earth out of the way of the meteor very quickly and then move it right back I think that would be the easiest thing to do you know there was a... You kind of just move it over you kind of just do that

the meteor goes you go right back like that If you were a degree this way or this way, apparently the Earth would burn up or something or the oceans would be crazy. I don't believe in any of that. We're here because of God, and that's like it. I'm not thinking about any of it. If the asteroid hits us,

this God's wanted it to. It's a good point. And it'll be the sixth great mass extinction event. Apparently there's been five already. Which is coming. Through comets and everything else. Look at the videos. This will be the sixth.

You're telling me a mass extinction event's not on the horizon here. Yeah. Well, apparently. They're selling cars to, two chits to human turds yeah he got

he stepped in the car and a piece of corn fell on the ground you all like this down I think Edward toilet paper hands Edward shit hands you just got big turd fingers That's how fucked

Now I've made you It's Vincent Price Now I've made you Completely out of shit There's inanimate objects That have like 90 month leases Staplers and plungers have cars There's literally

There's chairs that have They're paying like APR People are on Klarna for a Chipotle bowl From three years ago They're still paying off like $1.25 They're going to jail for a Chipotle bowl they bought in 2017

they're going to debtor's prison You're going to prison It's like you haven't paid it for eight years You owe us $90,000 No the courts spend like $40,000 in taxpayer money To put you in prison Which cost them like $80,000 a year So you can

Because you didn't pay pack your Chipotle bowl There's people putting There's people putting An extra ranch at Wingstop on credit By the way, you know when they Ship the immigrants on the plane they can fit like 80 of them on those big guys. When they what?

The immigrants, when I ships the immigrants on the planes, because they can't move them on buses all the time because they have to fly them back to where the fuck they're from. Venezuela. Yeah, whatever. They fly them on the planes. The planes alone, the cost of it is like $750,000 every time we put 80 of them on a plane.

And it doesn't even cost that. It's just like literally Rick Santos has to like, you know, get half of that. That's the reason it costs that much. But, like, at what cost is, is it, like, that important to these people that we should be spending that much money on getting... Ben, you're never going to get them all out. Like, $3,000 a day is going to take 85 years. Ben, you don't get it.

What, the reason we do this is not to keep America safe. It's to comfort retarded people. It's literally people who believe in oogga-buga-bug-bugy-man stories to look at the TV and they go, they threw another Mexican into a volcano good. I will. I can finally sell my house to BlackRock. Thank you, God. That's it. It's fairy tales for retards.

Whatever. Yeah. It's all fucking gay. When you look into the money of stuff, I'm like, what? 80 people that cost like a million dollars in taxpayer money? Yeah. What the fuck? There's nothing better we can do here?

But we don't have, you know, it's like you put them in a waymo and duct tape the doors closed and be like hit the Waymo on the back like it's a horse like it's a horse like it's a go boy go just drives into the ocean I'm like if that's the solution then I guess just kill them why are we spending millions and millions and millions of dollars he's personal but whatever yeah whatever it doesn't matter it doesn't matter none of it's real anyway president fucks kids president fucks kids but god is keeping us safe I do think that it's God I was gonna say there is a real thing that I think a meteor, like a couple decades ago, was supposed to hit Earth, like, very

high probability, and then Jupiter just swallowed it up. Jupiter just stepped in front of us, like, a Secret Service agent. Yeah, the scary thing is, though, when does the whole thing where you go, like, it'll, it'll be fine. When does that run out? Right. It always works out. The whole, it always works out.

Nothing ever happens, guy. Nothing ever happens. Nothing ever happens. Whenever, every time someone says that to me, I get a cold wind blows up my inside. I used to be that guy. And then I remember being like, nothing. People are like, there's this disease in Wuhan, China. I was like, nothing ever happens.

I think it did. Yeah, and then it did. Yeah, and then cut to me giving myself a tattoo nine months into quarantine because I'm losing my mind. We're in a Goldilocks zones with Earth, though. We're in a Goldilocks zone, and we would have been wiped out a very long time ago. If it wasn't for Jupiter, they are running interference on all the shit. We're the only thing in the universe that it matters. I don't even believe.

I don't believe in aliens anymore. That's why. I think all that stuff is fake. I'm completely over aliens. It's all a distraction. I don't believe in remote viewing. It's all a distraction from pedophilia. It is.

It's exactly what it is. These are Cold War era tactics that were used on the other and fake and they bought it themselves. You know, it's alien to me, the concept of fucking children. So I, you know, who we should be deporting are these damn politicians. Devon? These damn billionaires. You hit the name. on the damn they're the real aliens their hearts are the illegal a ice why don't you turn

around it's the guy it's the guy in the big house the man in the high castle man in the high castle ice how about that ice i'm calling it now he'll be dead very soon though by the way i'm a true joe jill biden yeah it would be pretty fucking funny funny he's gonna be dead mark my words it'll be funny if trump died and then biden killed himself because he was so sad They, like, had dual lives. It is weird that, like, his kids, like, Donald Trump Jr. hasn't been on Twitter, like, yelling at the people. Everyone's been, like, excited about it.

I, you'd think that they would be speaking out. Their whole counter, their whole retort would be, oh, see how the left is spreading this rumor because they're vicious, hateful people, and they want my father to die. They're not doing any of that. No one's acknowledging it or talking about it at all. They go, never forget. Anytime the left does something like that, they would never forget the left once you're dead. And then the next day, they tweet a picture of a picture of it.

trans person hanging themselves and they go get wrecked fagget they go never forget the left is rude and they're mean to me yeah yeah uh fuck i don't know you really think he's dead huh he's dead i think he's dead just because it would be so funny that he's bulletproof for 10 years outs himself as a pedophile that immediately dies and we all started to get to call him fat. Also, as soon as you give him about a power, he's fat, too. That's probably why he died. Which he hates.

He's very, you know, he's a lot of vanity there. And he calls everybody else fat, you know, but he never acknowledges. He's extremely overweight. And his ankles, like, he can't fit his feet in his shoes because he's his fat and everything. Because he's fat. I hate that he became fat exactly one month ago. But before that, he was super cool and strong. And in an amazing shape and a genius.

And I would Photoshop him. to pictures of buff guys because I'm gay. I'm a closeted gay Republican. I think you will be dead by the time we go on tour. Limit Party. Live for all dates. Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas, Houston, Texas, Denver, Salt Lake City.

Go on to pricepicks.com to vote if Donald Trump will be dead or not. And also we're coming to Phoenix. I'm sorry, Chandler, Arizona, in Vegas. folks patreon.com slash lemon party that episode we already did before we had taco bell it's all about sex trafficking rings and uh horrific horrific stuff it's pretty horrific so like uh check it out yeah if it's not your thing then just just stay away from it so you don't get mad about it i guess

it was still silly the episode it was still funny yeah yeah yeah i mean if you added it a few death threats out of it it could be a public i got to edit that thing how you said 13 minutes yeah I'm just being the subject matter. I got to do a trigger warning a little bit for people, so they're not like, you know, we're not just watching fat people eat McDonald's. You were on one. You came in hot. You were a wild boy.

You were the man with the plan. I'm Bobby Shmerna. You're a hot boy. Isn't that him? Yeah. Coming in hot. I think so. Bobby Shmerna?

I'm not sure what happened then. I'm coming in hot. You went to jail? He might have, yeah, he went to jail and did he get out? That I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I know what's up with Schmurda.

They all die at like seven years old. They have a rap career at four. They release their... They go to prison at six and they die at seven. They release their first hit song. All the Chicago drill rappers is like, well, from 2018 to 2022. Yeah. Rest in peace.

A Chicago legend. Bobby, Bobby Schmert a victim, released his debut album, I Am a Victim of Society. Little died. And then was shot to death by everyone. Little, little formula died today. Horrible.

Horrible. We're at the under. RIP, Davon, the pedophile. Passed away today. Died on his motorbike. He was- Doing a wheelie down Michigan-A-Had. Little Petto. He was four years.

Little Petto posted on Instagram that he was about to buy a Hellcat, and he was carrying a big cartoon safe to a dealership, and was shot to death by every black person who ever lived. His 11-year-old mother was suing the police department. He survived by his 11-year-old mother, and his 12-year-old grandma. And his 57-year-old father. His 57-year-old father, Bubba Tuna Fish Johnson.

Blues Legend, Bubba Tuna Fish Johnson. And local pedophiles. Local pedophile. One of the great Mississippi Delta pedophiles, Tuna Fish Wilson. It was horrible. I'm sorry, RIP. It is crazy, though.

They found, Dad, why are you a pedophile? Dad, dad, how did you and mom meet? Wow. Well, we needed a cover for your father's actions. Why am I a famous rapper? I'm three. Well, because the CIA is investing in you to destroy black people

through creating music about excess and violence. They pay us $500 a month to make sure you get up there rap. The CIA pays Jewish record executives to glorify violence and materialism in black art. If the government ever finds out that I played catch with you, they will take everything from us. Son, the blame. I have to live 100 miles away from you. else they will get me. They will kill your mother and you.

Son, Jay Edgar Hoover invented the bling era. Ronald Reagan said, if I ever make you waffles. He will stop giving us money to live in this project. It is illegal for me to put a smiley face on your waffles. I'm sorry, son. Calvin Coolidge said, if I ever write you a birthday. that he's going to gas the entire south side of Chicago

that he's going to gas live and live party dot life for all tickets and we'll see you guys next week bye bye what an insane bit in the end