lemonparty - 177: Ryan Googler

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

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I miss the good old days. He ruled. I miss the good old days when a mean skeleton was running the nation. And we had a black woman on Xanax locked in a cage in the White House somewhere, not allowing her to speak. Gas is literally like six bucks at like Arco. It's like the cheapest gas station. No, it's great. It's legitimately insane. Yeah. We're fucked. We're all fucked. It's completely insane. We're all fucked. Everything's fucked.

I have electric. Yeah. Ben is electric. He's fine. This is all part of Elon's plan to get us all to get Tesla's. Yeah. Elon made woke rock bomb Iran. Here's a fucking missile for you. Calls a slur. Here's a fucking missile for you, you sand in.

Get some, ragheads. I know what you say because you're from there. No, of course. I say it all the time. You can say it all the time. You scream it. You screaming out your windows. Wake the birds up.

What the hell happened with fucking bird? Crashers, too, about it. Like, burned to the ground. Yeah, Ben, we had a breaking alert. We forgot to get to. What was that? Is that real? TMZ says...

It looks like his... It looks like Fallout... By the fucking Burnt Chrysher. By the way, I should... So, I'm recording my new special at the comedy store at March 30th. Right. Let me see the exact date, because I do have to promote that. You're doing a one-hour set where you talk about Iceberg Slim at the comedy store.

Yeah. And you're taping it. Yeah, so I'm taping my special... March 30th, 8 o'clock belly room of the comedy store. That's not a joke, actually. And I'm just sick of these jokes. Too special. I'm sick of them.

I've told these jokes. Time to turn them over. Once or twice. And, you know, it's time. They're past... They're green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of telling them they're expiring.

It's the perfect moment to record the special. I thought, we're going to do this special. March 30 at the comedy store. Come out. Ben's going to be special. smoking cigarettes and ashen them all over the stage. Yeah. And talking about black people from the past.

Because that's what comedy is now. Because that's what I actually do think stand-up is. You think stand-up is you go up and you light a big, big giant cigar. And you go, Harriet Tubman was a fucking slave. And then you get out of a pause break. I do love when the premise of a Chappelle bit is him reading like the early life Wikipedia of like a black guy who was born in like 1891. I'm like

There's no way this is going to be worth it It could be the funniest bunchline of all time I can tell this is taking It was 2007 There was always a part in his specials Where he does like just read a Wikipedia Of a guy you never heard of He's like Book of Tea Washington

Invented peanut butter You're like everybody knows that He's like But they didn't let him call it N word butter He wanted to call it N word butter And they said no and that's why I need another $85 million.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm going to go perform for a goat that kills slaves in Dubai. How was a Billy Bonesaw film about Dubai getting bombed and stuff? Is he crying about it? I think Bill Burr is literally doing like catamine theory. He's doing like Gary Goldman's shit. He's like beside himself.

It was funny because like Bill Burr and all those guys acted like they were civil rights heroes for taking like a million dollars. from the Saudi Royals. That was such an interesting timeline that they have to be stuck in forever now. Yeah. Acting like they're Rosa Parks, but in a PJ. They were in the back of the PJ.

Pretending, a comedian pretending to have any struggle whatsoever. Bill Burr, like, holding the $750,000 he got and holding it up like it's the black power fist at the Olympics. Yeah, yeah. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a true teller. I'm a civil warrior. I live in a house that if you try to get near it,

you get shot in the head. buy a fucking security guard 24-7. The Burj Khalifa got like hit and bombed and shit. By Iran? I don't know. You just got, yeah, like Dubai's getting like attack.

Which is crazy. That's where all these people, you know, you thought that was like safe land for billionaires to just take dumps on women's faces. They were just hanging out with John Cena. Yeah. Yeah, just slitting women's neck open.

It is kid. This all could have happened while they were doing the Riyadh Comedy Festival. Can you imagine that? And they're all stuck. They're all stuck in one bunker And they're all fighting for the one microphone To bore everybody with

Is that where the Wiz Khalifa got his name from The Birge Khalifa? I don't know They actually named it after Wiz Khalifa Or he's a big Mia Khalifa guy I don't know Or it could have been Mia Khalifa Because it looks like a big dick kind of

Yeah Much like in her pornography videos So the Birch Khalifa it's done It's gone No but they got it I saw footage of it getting like It was on like part of it was on fire Really?

Maybe it was like maybe nothing's real Like a minisbee Hereeth. Huh? From War to the Rings? I don't know that. Or Barad, Doom. Barre Doom, B-A-R-A-D-H-D-E-E-R-A-D-H-N-D-O-N-D-E-R-A-D-R-A-D-L-E-O-N-E-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-E-R-E-E-R-E-E-R-E-E-E-R-E-N.

Next. Next. Next, next topic. Gondor has fallen. No, it's okay. No, Devin's rean's reading train dreams. Mm-hmm. It's easy. Easy read. Isn't it nice to pick up a book and be like,

I'm like, oh, nice. I can feel the end in my fingers. I still read books and I'm like, I'm going to ace this test. I still, I like, I'll remember dates. Like, I'm still in school. I'm just, like, trained from school. I literally, when I do finish a book now, I want to, like, go outside and just start telling people I finished it.

I'm not kidding. I want to, like, hold it up and tell my mailman I finish this book. I, I read it. And every, if I read it, if I'm lost in it for longer than 10 minutes, I stop myself and I go, I close it. I go, this is unbelievable. I can't believe I'm doing this. It's like you're flying.

I put my hand over the cover and I'm like, God, look at me. Can't even swipe this thing. This is crazy. This is nuts. Somebody knocks on the door and I make sure to hold the book with me while I walk over to the door just so they know they interrupted me during reading time. You have the gigantic page saver. Yes. The little like a slot of paper that you put in annoyed.

I'm not kidding. I had them next. I was reading it next to my bed. and then I knew people were coming over, so I went to my bedroom and I took the book and I put it in the living room. That was very good, David. Because what's the fucking point,

if people aren't aware that I'm finally trying? The best is when you ever read a book in so long and you finally finish one, and it's not impressive. So you have to tell everybody like, you should really check out Jurassic Park. Yeah, exactly. By Michael Crickton, it's very good.

Yeah, you're at a dinner party. Like, just finish Call the Wild, the one with all the pictures on every page. 700 pages. You should check out. I just read the second book in the Clifford, the Big Red Dog series. It's better than the first.

Jayce, you know how Cormac didn't suffer fools? Yeah, of course. That's why he was a pedophile. Oh, wait, I can't get on YouTube with this account. What happened? I forgot about that. What happened? Does something happen to your YouTube?

How do I... I always forget how to get... So I have to log out of this Google and then get into a different thing. Yeah, you have to create a fake identity. Sometimes I just give up and I just don't use YouTube. You have to do the Boren ultimatum for YouTube. It is when people... people send they're like they're like dude just get a VPN get a fake identity get a passport that

doesn't have your name on dye your hair die your hair put a mustache on dude go to a secret locker you have set up with fake passports in it it's so I saw the born identity it's super easy yeah you too man devon your internet's really bad in the heat wave it's just the heat wave though it's not your fault it's also because you know it's this is the night for sinners exactly It's a sinner's night. People are all, they're just looking at sinners talk online. Of course. The stars were out tonight, Ben.

I feel like you're not fucking. They're always out. Michael Jordan was out. Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan. He won. He was grabbed the kid's ass and then he won the next week. So I think.

Ryan Cougar was talking like a retard. We'll make a shirons. Flight. Okay. What is this? Okay. Okay. So you were talking about rioting.

So I figured out that, so Cormack only gave like two interviews in his life, one to Oprah, one to David Crackauer at the Santa Fe Institute. And Cormac, you got to hear this. So David Crackard tells a joke about typewriters, and Cormac has to sit and listen to it. And you get telling him thinks nothing of it. Here we go. It's very funny. During summer school, we had all these young people here. And I was down here in the Snick's pod typing.

By the way, on the record. He seems way happier than I thought. Pedophile. No, he's not. It's a pedophile. All right, sure. Devin. Devin, you're telling me that's not the skull of a pedophile.

That's not the physiognomy of a pedophile, Devin? I mean, sure he is. Come on. These days, you've got to rank them. Yeah, he's a class B. Yeah, you have to... I mean, what else are we supposed to do? Discard everyone ever that's ever...

No art ever. That's correct. No art ever. That's correct. You didn't check all the boxes for me. It's like how the... Because it's like I'm on a date with you and I'm deciding if I'm going to spend the rest of my...

my entire life with you. That narrative is with everything. Like everything that's obviously bad. Like the NBA, people will be like, man, y'all really just like hate basketball then, I guess. And you're like, well, the ball boy just got 100. Am I crazy for thinking this sucks a little bit? They're like, what you don't understand

is I saw it so it's good. Everything in front of me is good all the time. Yes. Because if I admit to my own existence, I'll have a panic attack. Why are people so like, we did an episode, while back called the liker. Yeah.

Right? Why is everyone? Why is it so easy to be a liker? It's just, it's a chat GPT generation. There's no speed bumps in your life and you just go, it's great. Everything's great. Everything always is great.

I don't think about anything. It's fine. You're a hater. People are literally becoming AI, where they, everything you have to agree with it. And yes, and then add another thing. You have to improv your entire existence now. If you hate a lot of things, doesn't it mean that when you like something it's really special and people would be people are like oh okay that's a big like that's a big that's saying

something if this guy likes something it actually now you know your opinion holds more weight yeah but then you're critical all those people would be like that's it actually confused me and that that it's bad actually yeah I didn't like it because it made me feel weird in my brain I watched a serious man and I go wait what's the point it didn't tell me and now I feel tired so it's bad that's it now. Yeah. ChatGBT brand. Yeah.

I've got people talking like chat GBT in real life now. Have you noticed that at all? Like you literally hear people be like, and brother, I respect the hell out of that. Yeah. Like people in real life. You're like just being like a 7-Eleven. Can I get like the Starbush comedies? He's like, great choice.

You chose the rainbow flavor. And brother, I respect the hell out of that. You know, it's a guy learning how to be a person because his Tesla talks to him on the drive to the liquor store. Yeah. And then he's like, I just go. He speaks to himself before he walks in. He goes, just act like crock. Just be grok.

We're becoming, you know, those monkeys and those experiments who thought the wire covered in fur was their mom? That's what we're becoming, essentially. We're becoming sad little monkeys in wire cages. But we've grown to love our wire cages because they have fur on the bed. Of course, just like Lolita, Nabukov's metaphor for... I just found a big bottle of Jameson.

Oh, my God, we didn't finish that? I don't know. That's crazy. That's crazy. I'm so... want to kill myself right now. You found a big bottle of Jameson? Now I think I'll be able to record.

You're like Jack Sparrow. I think this is going to work out. I love Devon's life so much. I envy your life. I think it's such a kick-ass life. I think you kick-ass life. I think you kick-ass. I think I was like you, man.

Yeah. A guy living like Jack Sparrow in Echo Park. Drinking random bottles of rum he found. Vinmoing his dad rent. And then finding bottles of flicker around. Yeah, like they've, like it's a wine seller, but everything's just thrown around. He kicked his ass. Walking around into big Kobe jersey. I do. I Venmo my dad, the mortgage, and then I drink a bottle of Jamison. I found out. Yeah, you're like the big Lebowski,

man. You rule. You kick ass. You kick so much ass, dude. Can I get a swig of that? Of course. That's actually very exciting. People are going to call me a hypocrite because I was, I was getting on Connor about drinking out of a bottle. But it's so much Jameson. I saw Much love. Just quick, in terms of the fans being the, I'm so proud of how retarded the fans are. Yeah. On the Patreon, there was a comment because we did an hour and 57 minute episode on the Patreon. Yeah.

And someone goes, really, a 57 minute episode? It's really sad to see how far this podcast is falling. I was giving that guy grace. Like, I think he knows what he was doing. But you never know what these. He might not know what an hour is. He might be like, what's the one? No, he goes, this is the longest 57 minute episode I've ever heard.

He saw the time seven and he goes, so it's one episode that's 57 minutes and out. He's driving around like, man, this short-ass episode's been on for hours. I pride them and how retarded they are. I saw a thread about Hate Watch about how all four of you are like Nepo babies in Hollywood. I don't know how this is a shock to everybody. I love that. They were saying you were a Nepo baby in Hollywood. You don't even work in Hollywood.

I don't know what that meant. Half of your parents are like, what is that? I love my father, but I love my father. but newsflash, he's a failure in ABC. He was a professor at a community college in Glintale. He's not a failure, but yeah, he lived a very simple life and didn't have much success with anything. They're acting like you're at the Oscars or something,

because you were born in Los Angeles. My parents moved to an area that people were afraid to drop their kids off to play with me. And now it just turned into a cool place. You live in the house where the cop was killed in Trady Day. People go, you were born in 2022. But Nepo Baby, I mean, it's not like your dad Like handing you the keys to Warner Bros.

I figured out something It's like anyone born and raised in L.A. is apparently a Nepo baby. You could be like a locksmith and people are like, sure, Mr. Hollywood. Oh, he's got the keys to the city. Wow. So I guess you got to go to trade school a little quicker than the rest. Oh, your dad had all his teeth? Wow.

Crazy. Nepo, baby. Look at you. Now you've got all your teeth just like him. handed everything. I bet you got this job at Home Depot a little easier than other people. You kick ass, though. Thanks, buddy.

I love you. You rule. Jace kicks ass too. Thanks, man. I'm doing all right. I'm not as good as Devon though. I've had a crazy weekend. No, you guys have both been kicking ass lately.

Thanks, man. We really do. You've been less than exemplary, but we have been kicking ass. Of course. No, you're your problem. I did walk into Devon's house covered in sawdust, and you guys were like, what is wrong with you? I said you walked in, you looked like a frog in a rave. You looked like a frog at one of those raves in Belgium

where they all like fuck each other with hooks When somebody in boots that are two feet tall goes Did you get into goose gags? Yeah, I'm in a Gasper no film that sucks ass Yeah, exactly You're in a film that a NYU student pretends to like to get pussy Yeah, but you're looking good

You're actually looking swagged out right now You got the Birkenstocks, the rainbow shorts The Tony Soprano shirt You look good. Nine glasses. I missed you guys. Life kicked ass. I miss you guys, too.

I don't have a social life anymore. You guys are my only friends. I love seeing you guys. It rules. I think about you guys all week. Demme gets to have wacky adventures. J.S. is masturbating. I'm getting a little.

I mean, it's exhausting. Your wacky adventures. Being a glue guy is just exhausting. Now explain what a glue guy is for the people at home who may have never met a person. Our head friends. I don't know, just being like an amenable guy that, like, brings friend group, friends together. Yeah. Blue guy.

You hold the friend group together is what you're saying. In a way, I think. Sure. I think if I wasn't around, I think a lot of people would stop talking to each other. Oh, that's interesting. But, no, we did, it was Richie's Bachelor Party this weekend. Mm-hmm. And we got this Airbnb in Venice.

and it was like a one of those like boxy homes like modern boxy yeah you know what I'm talking about like Jamie Kennedy's house three levels looks like yeah and you're an EPO baby go on yeah of course you were in an Airbnb

it was paid for by our rich friend uh we we put in obviously but so um long story short we got kicked out because I uh home invaded uh one of the levels of the place You went into the other tenants?

I walked into the wrong place and I sat on the couch and then this like hysterical queer walked in and completely lost his mind on me. They thought they were getting home invaded by you. No. How do you know they were queer? I'm not because they were hysterical? He was just being nuts. I mean, the guy acted like no one's ever walked into his place before that he didn't know. Do you have a big gay voice?

He walks in. Okay. Are you drunk? We had been drinking, but this was genuinely the most honest. mistake of my life. I didn't even know really other people were they. It's an Airbnb. You're supposed to be renting your own home.

Yep. Why are there other people here? But there were other connected levels you could just walk into. They all looked identical. It looked like one big home. So you just walk up a staircase and then you have this sliding door and it looks exactly like the sliding door one story up. Because some greedy bastards are trying to make as much fun as possible. And the interior

is built exactly. It's identical to where we were staying. So it was the exact same couch formation. The beds It looked exactly the same. And I walk in and I sit on the couch for a second. And then a guy walks in and he goes, What the fuck? Get the fuck out of him! He starts screaming to me.

I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. It looks exactly like ours. I just walked into the wrong. And he just kept screaming at me. So then it turned into like, now I'm like invading this guy's home. But now I'm screaming back. And he's leading me out and I keep yelling. I'm like, if I go, you fucking show some fucking grace.

I mean, Jesus Christ. It all looks the fucking same. Jesus Christ. You're yelling, show such a quorum. I go have some class. Have some class. Cock sucker. Fuck you.

Well, I guess you can't call him a cocksucker because you think he might be a gay guy. No, I'm kidding. He was just a fucking, he probably is an asexual piece of shit. Go ahead. Anyway, it was just so annoying and it was such an honest mistake. And then the next day, the Airbnb lady calls us. And she's like, hey, they filed like a complaint in Airbnb saying he's unsafe. What a, that is a gay guy. And so they kicked us out.

What a queer. I feel unsafe. What do you mean unsafe? I don't know, just because I walked into his home. Because you're straight? He felt unsafe because I fucked him in the ass. And I said, I'll be back tomorrow. I said, I didn't know this place came with a sex slave.

Thanks. Y'all be back for more. Yeah, soon as my balls re-fill. No, it was a very ridiculous moment. And it was like, listen, I know, like, you know, I'm like, oh, this crazy guy, whatever. It was such an honest mistake. But it was, um, it's one of those things where it's like, you're not. You're not don't get this upset over this like it was yeah crazy reaction I immediately was like oh my god dude I'm sorry it looks exactly

But he's acting like a bat got into his house He walked in like we had a storied past Like I thought maybe this guy was like my arch nemesis throughout my entire life I had no clue what was going on Yeah he walked in like you again Yeah I'm freaked out on you so then we booked so then Joey books another Airbnb And we go and it's in Culver city and then Joey and then we you guys also all live about 15 minutes away from these airbnbs. It was really ridiculous.

I kept being like, why do we keep needing a place? Why do we keep booking Airbnbs when I'm 10 minutes from home? But it was just one of those things where we were like, you're trying to do a weekend for a bachelor party. Yeah. And so then Joey books another Airbnb. We get there. We've been drinking like half the day.

And then the Ukrainian owner of the Airbnb calls him and like says some bullshit. Like, you know, you got to fill out some Airbnb homework. And Joey was just, you know, are you kidding me? It was like, this is the... I just watched... I watched everything dissipate within seconds. Joey just pissed this guy off over the phone, and then he goes, actually, you're banned.

So, and we were sitting in the new Airbnb. We got banned... We got kicked out of that one. Because Joey, like, caused a fight with this Ukrainian guy. You guys are, like, gypsy bachelor party. Yes. Yeah. And then we got a hotel,

and then late at night, the hotel security came up and said, we were too loud, and then I was just like, I'm going home. I'm not one for this world. Yeah. You guys are the mom for... from the Ford of Project getting kicked out of it. That's crazy.

Yeah, it was a ridiculous weekend. We're really not supposed to be part of a civil society. This kind of kick ass to be like you suck so much ass you became a nomadic group. Yeah, we did. You like lived in TPs and looked at the stars. We were on the run 10 minutes from home. Yeah. You were slowly making your way to West Hollywood.

Like the Neanderthals. Yeah. Getting in skirmish. Yeah. You have a shotgun and like a convertible and you're riding across the country and everybody's telling you suck ass. Yep. You're just drunk and yelling outside places.

You're drunk and screaming at each other about a movie no one cares about. People are like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to Culver City of all time. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are doing the comedy version of the NoHo shootout. And they go, and stay out of Mid City. And stay off of Wiltshire. We don't take Canada to people like you in Century City. You know to El Segundo, huh? Oh, first time of Miracle Mile, huh?

queer bait well we don't play that shit in larchmont this is pico robertson motherfucker this is larchmont village faggis this is el siren oh piece of shit just the most liberal looking guy yeah with like long native american hair a guy who looks so jewish he's gay welcome to hancock Park, motherfucker. Who are you? I'm Adam McKay's assistant. Who are you? I'm taking his clothes to the laundromat right now. I did the sound design on train dreams.

I don't work at Noah's Bagels anymore. I bring VistaVision film to Ryan Coogler's house. Me? And he talks to me in that weird stupid accent. I'm a simple barista. Go get them toggere. And brother, Silver Lake ain't big enough for the both of us. Yeah.

There's only so many pretend goth, big titty women we can fuck. That's right, motherfucker. Motherfucker. I work the Friday, Saturday shift at El Pashto. This is La Cavita, you son of a bitch. Hey, hey, homo. You are not allowed an Osterian moat. say anymore

you're kicked out of the chef's table fuck face it's a guy who commutes from ohai to work there he's not even from L.A he lives like two hours away he's like I have four roommates in Ohio

it sucks ass my life sucks and fuck you you're like why don't you live in KTown he's shut to fuck he's like I hate Chinese people I hate them I do love some pockets of L.A. like Little Armenia is very funny.

Love that. Yeah. No one respects it and calls it Little Armenia. No. It says it on the map. It's like three blocks. It's like a locksmith. Yeah. It's just people running them over themselves like Anton Yelchen. They get in their car in the driveway and start it. They put it in neutral and then go stand behind it. They're driving the hills to run themselves over. Putting bricks on the accelerator and then watching it spin back around and then suing themselves.

Yeah. They go, you motherfucker piece of shit. Yeah, like fucking wire, wire. They're just going back and forth, like a comedy bit. The guy putting a car dealership in his front yard. Yeah. I used to live in Little Bangladesh in Korea town. And it was like, it was a little... I remember you live by that donut shop and you'd take ladies to date on dates to that don't...

Yeah, I took a lady to... I was on a day with a really ugly lady that I hated because I'm on a day with her. Because she was ugly? Yeah, I was not in a good place in my life. And I showed up on the date. And she, like, looked kind of. attractive in the pictures and then I... You got pissed off when you saw her.

She walked up and I think I went... No, it's bullshit. She walked up... I used to do a bit about this, but she looked like Baby Sinclair from dinosaurs. She looked like a gym in... She looked like not the mama. She looked like not the mama.

Not the mama. And I was like, all right, well, it's either this or go beat off eight times. So I guess I'll fuck you. And beat off seven times. Is there anything more annoying than when the pictures are good and they're ugly in person?

It's like getting food from a restaurant on Uber Eats and you realize it's from a ghost kitchen. You're like, this is a Mr. Beastburger? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but I was walking her home from the bar or whatever and she has to stop at California donuts. I live right next door to order. What a fat retard.

I know. She ate four donuts and then I fucked her. She's just farting. She's farting and burping donuts. She keeps trying to say like her farts are queves. She's having like explosive diarrhea. She's like, isn't it hot when women quees? Yeah, she's like, you're, yeah, she's.

She's like, you're blowing my pussy out, baby. You're taking a huge dump on your chest. While you rail her out. She's like, isn't this, aren't they crazy? My pussy's so full of air. She's like, she's like, I'm squirting. And she's spraying donut diarrhea everywhere. I'm a squirder.

She's just shitting on you. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm going to squirt. I'm about to. It's like some mud shit on your chest. I just, I just roll over there. There's a big turn between us.

Like it's her cat that I'm trying to kick away. It's like an umbilical cord of shit. Yeah. To the turn. Like it's a new one baby. She got like pink frosting on my dick. And I was so. I've never been.

I hated when I would go on. I came and like I had a balcony. I almost threw her off of the balcony. I was like, you got to get the fuck out of here. I went on a date. I did want on a date with a chick that misrepresented herself in photos once. And that she was like fat when I met her. but I still was like a good guy so of course you know I like hung out with her and I

looked at her like she was a human being and then but then but then the but then the there was a moment where she wanted to go to Starbucks and she got like an extra large like vent whatever like a fucking cotton candy frappuccino and I wanted to shoot her in the head it made me so angry did you pay for the frappuccino too yeah and I was just like I just Is there something about like when somebody's already like fat and they're eating in front of you? It's annoying. I know. I was amazed because she knew we were going to fuck and she's still like, I've got to get two donuts shaped like pandas and two of the pink donuts home or Simpson eats.

It's like you can't rub it in. No, that's what I'm saying. Like your body's already like it tells the story. Yeah. I think it's great. The body keeps the score. So if you're eating in front of me now, it's like a hat on a hat. Like stop.

It's a plate on a plate. You're really like, yes, the planet of a play. You're fucking pushing me. You're pushing me to the edge. And I go, you're lucky I'm suicidal. I'm using sex as a coping mechanism. You're lucky I don't slice you up. And then later, this is actually very mean to me.

I saw her. I was taking tickets. I was taking tickets at a comedy show. I regret this. This is mean of me. And she walked in and I pretended not to know her because. Did she say hi? Don't you remember me?

She was like, hi. And then like I was kind of like, I was like $5, please. And she's like, oh, okay. And then why? I will admit that was, it was very dickish of me. Was it? No way. How long after, like, were you supposed to remember her?

This was an hour later. No, this was like six months, nine months later. Okay. Something like that. And then she bitched to a couple of my friends that I did that. How did she know your friends? She had bitched to somebody she saw me talking to. Like, apparently my friend knew her.

This was the donut lady? This was the donut lady. This was the donut lady and was talking to her afterwards. But she also said I had a good dick So that was nice of her Did she pass away? That's good Yeah

Did she pass away? Yeah she died in an ATV accident That's crazy Yeah Guy tried to shoot her from a helicopter And thought she was a wild pig Yep Rick Perry's night

Yeah Rick Perry tried to shoot her Well Rick Perry tried to shoot her from a helicopter And she ran into an AVTV That was chasing her She was an nice lady She was just very No she was a nice lady She had a bad

She had a bad metabolism So she's worthless shit of thyroid condition I didn't want to fuck her twice so she should be dead in hell we're being completely insane it's just it's so no no no you have to read an ad

you're just not allowed to already be fat and show up on a date and they want donuts you're not allowed to be fat but you better not you better not say let's go get donuts are you fucking kidding me like imagine I have a precedent are you sitting for our future like imagine I show up to a day with a girl who's out of my league and I'm like okay maybe I can be really funny

and tall and like sleep with her and then i get chilly midway through the day that's rude yeah okay right exactly you know what i'm saying exactly um we never watched the quermac clip but whatever he cares fucking petto yeah well shitty fucking shitty writer you know that movies are better you know the author of that book did some bad things are you sure you want to be reading it it's a good man oh great look it looks like that fans getting you know just getting good to get ben fucking yeah yeah whatever in trouble i tweeted is at Kamiko. I'm like, it's not me, but whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, hold on. What are you looking at? What is this? Are you sending emails on the podcast now? Well, no, hold on. Ben's finishing his taxes. It's going past that, obviously. I'm trying to find so I really like this fetish content here.

Oh, nice. Going from Carmen McCarthy to fetish content. Yeah. Oh, but Cormack in the clip, he says, they say a joke. He goes, kids these days don't know what a typewriter is or whatever David Crackardt goes oh it's a word processor with its own built in printer and Cormac looks at him he goes very good He turns and he keeps walking Which very good is the is the fuck you

Yeah literally our bit of like It's the if someone sells a joke and you just say very good No it's the it's the it's the in-person L-O-L Yeah It's like you know how LOL is like when somebody writes back LOL it's the equivalent of being like Yeah, yeah I have to I have to I have to I have to acknowledge this or I'm an asshole. Yeah, exactly. I can't find this. Oh, yeah, yeah,

here does big lady get off the ground? That was my note on my show. Nice. That's the title of every one of our episodes. People really hate... That's what I said to that lady I fucked after she ate the donuts. People really hate this stuff, but... Oh, this was her. Yeah, is this her struggling to get off the ground? Is that her in line at California donuts? Walking like a big beetle. Trying to get Devon's internet to load here Just keep blames Yeah, she's so fat, it's hard to load the video Some would say it's the heat wave

Yeah In March. By the way, this is the hottest March In like SoCal history Yeah, we're fucked It's like 1869 or something It's March in San Diego And it's about 92 degrees every day It's yeah, it's pretty sucky

It's just Instagram doesn't seem to be loading She's too big Have you clicked? Too bad Too much bandwidth, yeah Have you tried clicking play Yeah. She's so big it needs to ban girth, folks. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Oh, here we go. Oh, here. Nice. This looks like, this looks like AI before they were good at it. By the way, hold on real quick. Isn't there something about what a fat worthless piece of shit? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I have a point. Hold on. I'm going to save it here.

I'm rounding it. I'm rounding to something. Okay. I'm round in third base right now. Isn't there something annoying when a fat worthless piece of shit has like kind of a European name, like Natalia? I'm like, you don't deserve the Lalia. You don't, like, you're so fat you shouldn't be able to have a name that's like, Alia. You should have. Like, that sounds too, like, there.

You should literally have like the names they give to like speedboats for fishermen. You should be called the bass master. There should be numbers in your name. Your first name should be the. And your last name is Bass Master. Bass Master. Yeah, your name should look like something from Lord of the Rings. You don't deserve a name that's from a country that, like, banned seed oils or whatever.

You know what I mean? Like, you shouldn't... I don't like that you're... You're tricking me. You should have a name that I hear and I go, ugh. Yeah, your name should be Rosanne. Yeah, fart. Fart.

Yeah. Natalia. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say about. I really just like this clip of her trying to get up because them moving their bodies. It's beautiful the way they have to move their bodies around. Yeah, the undulation is actually kind of, it reminds me of a lava lamp at the house. It's incredible, right? Yeah, it's actually pretty nice.

It's crazy, yeah. You kind of, like, want to slap one side and watch your, like, ride to the other. Like a thing filled with glitter and goo that has just some sort of aesthetic purpose that you could play with and let it slap around ear and there. You put it on your mantle. She looks like a stretch Armstrong that kids put an M80. It's unbelievable. That's her leg. Oh my God.

That's crazy. It's like beyond beautiful. That shape there. It's unbelievable. It's like watching a Toyota Sienna inside a home. And people hate when I play this stuff,

but I just can't get enough of the fast. Her tits are out. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's showing tits. Yeah, she's showing titty. Every part of her looks like a tit. So I'm trying to play the, to prove to, so this is what this lady might have been going for on Jace's date here.

And that's the only reason I'm playing this here. Do you guys have... Is it no volume? I'm not hearing anything. I don't think there's any sound in this video. Oh, shit, I guess there is. Maybe there was. There's a one for eating.

Ben was making that moaning noise. Yeah, that was me. I was trying to, oh, here we go. Maybe it's this one. She's got a big birthday cake in front of her. There's no sound. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I mean, she's literally busting through.

blouse. I turn it up louder here. It's very, very low, I guess. She's eating a birthday cake and moaning sexually. Top comment is, of course, from an Instagram user called Another Brother, and it's a bunch of hard emojis. I know.

There's literally not a way to white woman can't get to that a black guy will not have sex with her. But she keeps saying, oh, what did you put in this? Oh, my God. It just keeps eating, and there's guys of the comments that are like, keep going. Yeah. I love her being like, What did you put into this? Like she doesn't know what butter and sugar tastes like.

Well, I'm assuming it's the setup is that he's whacking off and putting his jizz in it. And she's a whore. Right. I guess. Or this is just, I mean, she's probably, nothing turns around more than cake. People are into it. Look, the top comment, this is so hot. No, there's like just black guys in the comments.

Like, warm up the car, bitch. Can I get some money out of your purse? Let me get 20. I'm going to go fuck my girlfriend. Oh my God. Jason, we can do an ad. I keep saying we got to do an ad. Keep searching for videos of her.

I'll pull the... We got to... We have two things this week that I really like organically and wanted to talk about. The first one is Roe Sparks, everybody. If you're looking for more confidence in the bedroom, get Roe Sparks. Roe Sparks are a two-and-one prescription treatment for better, longer erection. that dissolve under your tongue and work in 15 minutes on average. We love Roe Sparks.

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So you can connect with them around your schedule. If prescribed, new sexual health patients get $15 off your first order of Sparks on a recurring plan. Connect with a provider with a provider at R.O.C.O. C.O. slash Lemon, that's L-E-M-O-N. To find out if prescription row sparks are right for you. That's R.O.C.O. C.L.L. for $15 off your first order. Sparks is a compounded drug product. Compounded drugs are permitted to be prescribed under federal law, but are not FDA approved. and do not undergo FDA safety, affecting this, or manufacturing review. For safety information, go to row.c.o slash safety info. Thank you, Roe Sparks.

Now, on to my other favorite thing this week, which is prize picks, everybody. Shoot your shot on prize picks and get $50 instantly when you play your first $5. Prize picks is my go-to fantasy sports app. I love it. Love it. We love. Price picks. Yeah, I can't get enough of it, man.

Would you say that it makes every game more exciting? So exciting. I love Daily Fantasy. Love B-Bow-Bow. No, no, not. Oh, right. I love watching Goi-Ball. You have to edit that out.

I don't care. You actually have to edit that out. I will, but... Erica Kirk will have you kill if you don't edit that out. We are allowed to mention goy-ball in the ad, though. They mentioned that specifically. Price Picks makes every game more exciting. We love prize picks.

If you look on the screen, I'm going to have Ben put it in as they can go through. You know, if you love golf, you can pick an over under on your favorite golfer. Daily fantasy, enjoy. Pick players and pick how they'll do, and things can happen that are good to you. I love teams and you should do. Get on prize picks. And that's how we have to talk about it for FDA, FCC regulation. It's a tender dance with prize picks.

It's a tender dance. You know what we're talking about. Just go to the fucking app and use it. Obviously, they're a marijuana company. Prize Picks. No, they're not a marijuana. I can't say what they are, but they're not a marijuana company. No one knows what Prize Picks is, but you should get on it.

It's a fantasy sports app with money involved somehow. There it is. That's exactly what it is. That's what prize is. And you should enjoy it. And you at home, you love to fantasize, right? Exactly. You love fantasy, don't you? You're fantasizing about hanging out with us right now.

Exactly. You can pick that on Prize Picks and see if you're. If it pays out, it won't, but it might. Imagine a pick gets you a damn prize. Prize picks. It's like the carnival. Who doesn't like the carnival or the fair? Who doesn't like the fair?

Exactly. Prize picks, just like the fair. Life is you already have to make choices. You might as well make the choices you have to make. Yeah, but we don't necessarily... Because life is just choices. I don't think you're even allowed to say anything about... We're not allowed to mention money or winning or anything.

We just say prize picks is a website that can be used for things. things. It's reading these ads are insane. It feels like I'm a newscaster in Russia in the 80s. It's nuts. It's like the music. It's like McCarthy. They send you a page like, do not mention, like you go to the bottom.

I do not mention that time in fifth grade where that teacher was weird to you. Every prize picks ad I do. I'm so terrified. I know. But there's just a guy in the mob is going to come and snap my legs in half because they just cost them a million. C.C. violations.

Jason you said a million. I'm sorry, a million shackles, which are fine. Oh, you can say shackles? You can say shackles? Because it's a currency that doesn't exist. It's a Zog Slop thing. They said we can mention goyslop and slogslop. Prize picks now has early payouts.

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is here for you. Download the prize picks app today and use code Lemon. That's right. To get $50 in lineup after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Lemon to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, it's good. It's good to be, it's good to be a man. It's good to be right.

It's good to be right. Good to be right. Thank you, prize picks for your last ad with the show. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. Prize picks. Prize picks. And now we can get back to the,

the fat lady that we hate talking about her. Love you. We love you prize picks. We love you prize picks. You are. Sorry for the ad, please don't cancel. Thank you, prize picks. I love them.

God, they pick it well. I love picking on prize picks. And there's prizes. I love going on my phone and scrolling and picking for prizes. With prize picks. I love scrolling on my phone and just clicking a picture of CD land. I mean, you can't keep Ben off the damn app. Every day, I go over to Ben's house.

I go, hey, I came over to hang with you and your kids. He's picking CD Lamb on price picks all day. He's obsessed with daily fantasy, this guy. Hey, I have an idea for a new, speaking of fantasy, I have an idea for a new podcast studio. What's that? Okay, so what about a studio pretty much just like this, but we're on a shooting range?

And there's bottles lined up behind us, and people randomly just pick off the bottles while we're doing the podcast. So occasionally one of these might will pop. or we might catch astray. But we're wearing a plate. We're wearing plate and helmets. You can get shot in the face still, though. Okay, let me say this real quick.

Bad idea. Yeah, not my favorite. Don't love that. Like, a shot maybe every seven or eight minutes. Like, not that many. Right. Like, that would be, like, seven or eight shots. Like in jackass when they all get shot with the rubber bullets.

Yeah. No, I'm talking about real, like, 50-cow. Like, train. Yeah, trained snipers, Iranian. Iranian snipers. I think we go Iranian snipers. That'd be really cool. And we also have a live feed of them

of loading their guns and praying and stuff. Do whatever you want. I want an Islamic sniper on the other end. Fat ones, too. Do they... Are they fat? I want fat Muslims. Are they a fat Muslim? There's not fat Islamic snipers. They're all starving to death

unfortunately. Are you Muslim? have you, like, do the intermittent fasting thing? Yeah, it's Joe Rogan. Like, aren't they technically kind of, like, Muslim. I don't know. They're very annoying about that. I don't know.

Every Muslim I've known during Ramadan's been very mean to me. I don't think there is a podcast on a shooting range, though, and I think it could be kick-ass. Yeah, but this is what you do. What if the producer, he's switching live, and every now and then he takes a shot. That'd be cool. Like, it cuts to a guy. He chimes in sometimes. He's like, actually, that movie came out in 98, and we go, oh, thank you, buddy.

And then occasionally it will cut to him, and he has a little. loaded gun pointed at us. But he's just trying to hit one of the bottles. Seems like kind of a suicidal segue. Yeah. Seems like you're not doing well with the kids. Kind of seems like you want to die on your show. He's like retarded though. He throws a grenade

at us. He throws a big bomb. He does a giant thing of C4. It's very funny. You will get occasionally this is like an idea you do when you're trying to get a podcast popular. So occasionally you'll get messages from people like, hey, big fan of the show. We'd love to have you on our podcast where we're

on a live shooting range getting shot at by the military. I think people would love that. If we were streaming it and people, we were trying to do a podcast while being tortured alive. Yeah. Or someone was taking shots at us. We love Lemon Party.

We love for you to come on our show. It's 100 meters underwater. We're all getting crushed to death. We have gas. If the show gets really big, we can have gas come on the show. And we celebrate. We go just kill them.

Yeah, we have Bradley Whitford on. And we accidentally kill him. We finally got Bradley Whitford. And we're like, dude, What was Get Outland? He's like, why am I doing this? But the bullet goes through his headphones? Yeah.

Like a cowboy. Yeah. Cowboy style. Yeah. We're like, dude, is Jordan Pilled? Does he suck? He's like, no. We're like, come on, dude.

What if he gets shot like four seconds in the interview? Yeah, he's lying on the ground and I'm like, dude, what was the West Wing like? Is Aaron Sorkin? Was he on Coke? Mm-hmm. Yeah. This week. This week.

On Lemon Party. Bradley Whitford's, life ends. This week. They were killed by Chris Kyle's son. The retarded man that killed Chris Kyle has come for Ben Avery. His revenge. Ben Avery's being hunted.

This week, Ben Avery took a shot to the knee on the craziest podcast ever made. They're getting blown off. That would rock. Yeah. I wouldn't want to participate in it. Yeah, I feel like that would be a bad idea. Yeah, but I'm saying if you wore the plates,

no. You would live. There's no scenario. You would just like, you might lose a leg or something, but you wouldn't die. I don't know. As long as the bull, I have seen videos where the bullet will go into the leg of a person, then it travels up to their heart and, like, out their head. I've seen that.

Because it keeps tumbling. Yeah. You've seen those videos. It's like Osmosis Jones, but the whole movie about a bullet going into a guy's leg traveling to his heart and his head. We've all seen those videos. You've seen it where it was. But he's like a sassy, it's a sassy black bullet.

It's played by Tiana Taylor. He's going, mm-hmm. The Revolution, baby, mm-hmm. You were getting mad at Deanna Taylor during the Oscars. She's just enjoying her moment in Hollywood too much. I'm like, enough already. She was, like, putting P.T. Anderson in a headlock after he won his first fucking, like, best picture.

Yeah. And I'm like, stay out of it. Just stay out of it. You're in the movie for 17 minutes. Go ahead. It wasn't, okay, listen, you weren't like Brando and the Godfather, all right? Go hang out with Coogler. That's where you belong.

Exactly. I go up to her, I go, I think you're at the wrong table. The Oscars like, you need to be with Coogley. I go, Coogler's over there. With your slop, that you did. Yeah, so the only tear wasn't in our movie. That was a different movie altogether. Yeah, they're just, I don't know.

She's just, I don't think she's that good in the movie either. I think she's, like, fine, but it's like, really just fucking relax. Bro acting like people making him watch the movie, though. That is. That's exactly what people say. But bro acting like he got criticism of media he consumed. Got you. How are these people?

The guy that says bro online. Bro says he hates the movie, yet he can't shut the fuck up about it. Okay, don't watch it then. Damn. And it is, they're all, like, they all, I imagine they all talk that way. Mm-hmm. And I don't know why I'm at it. Bro really watches movies he doesn't like?

they go hello I work for AMC stop being mean to movies Bro spent two hours of his life or something he knew he would hate Bro Yeah Bruh

Bro They turned the cameras on It's good The way he turned the camera on And then off Bro didn't like Bro had thoughts about something In front of him

Bro really saw something and had a reaction to it. Bro was cooked. Bro had an original thought to a thing and then expressed it. Bro trying to start a discussion and I hate that shit because I can barely read. It make my head hurt.

Bro had an experience and translated them into words that were coherent enough to have you make the same feelings in your mind as the ones are in his. Oh, bro. So you thought the movie was just like from dust till dawn? Explain how it was other than every plot. point was exactly the same bro got a little wordy with his insult I know these people online are they bots honestly they even think half the

things that people are upset I are they're even a person I that I used to think that but I think people have become bots I think that's the thing I think there is there are people that literally they wake up and they're like I am I just I'm a reply person that's how I make like my money I just have to defend things that made nine hundred million dollars it's it's you're visible like you're You know those, there's those. You're okay, man? Yeah, sir, I knocked the bottle off.

I'm getting ready for when they're going to fire. You're getting ready for the shooting range. What are you doing? Are you okay? I've been listening, so I just got into Metallica. Thank you for asking. I've been listening to Ride the Lightning very loud in my car with my daughter in my lap. I go to the hardware store.

My daughter, she drives. I check out. We're both on Molly. We put on Ride the Lightning by Metallica. She puts you in dog mode. Goes into the store. You're in your gym brewer era. I've never listened to Metallica before.

It was too satanic for me growing up as a kid. I'm gonna move this bottle. Just put it down there. Let me just, let me take care of this for you. It's literally as a bit of like rooster cogburn falling in the back of a haberdash room. Hey, are you guys ready to record? Sounds like the floor of bad Santa's car. Hey, I think this is going to be a really good episode.

Oh, that one broke. Oh, my God. And you don't have shoes on. They're weak. Yeah, they're weak bottles. Damn. That's all on the carpet now, too. We're fucked.

Look at that. But I'm not wearing any shoes. You're fucked, buddy. You got to die hard this shit. The thing is, is I broke it on my shoes to know there's glass inside my shoes. Yeah, you're fucked, man. You're going to drive back bloody. You're fucked, dude.

You're cooked. Bro's cook. Bro. Brozka. I love that we're like Ryan Cougar's a fucking dumbass and then we're breaking bottles into the carpet of our own podcast. Okay, I think my shoes are okay.

Your shoes are fine, yeah. Well, don't worry. We'll take care of this in like two months or something. We'll figure that out. We'll get all this broken. No, I know that's probably... By the time we pick it up, it'll turn into sea glass. And it looks like a genuine safety hazard.

Figured out in a couple of moments. But this is the most beautiful album I've ever heard in my life. It's one banger after the other. This Metallica. One banger after the other. One black after another. I called the movie, by the way. Whoa, that's racist.

Because of the cast. You know what I called sinners? Anyway, I actually didn't see it, but all the clips on the thing is very funny. On the award. It keeps showing clips. You were doing a joke. Come on. Do the racist joke you were doing.

What did I say? Come on, you're more racist off Mike. You were doing a whole bit where you're like, we was vampires and shit. Which is good. They keep talking about sinners that, like, this movie was for the culture. I'm like, what are you? Like vampires are part of like black history. The cops used to throw garlic at us.

It was fucked up. I think people are so retired. They're starting to think black people wear vampires. And that's why they were persecuted. It's like lemon pepper wet for the culture. Jackie Robinson was the first vampire to play baseball. This movie. It was the, it was the Ludewig guy.

The guy that did the music for it. Didn't he say like it was for the culture or whatever? Everybody said it was for the culture. Cougler won best screenplay and said it was for the culture. Everything's for the culture. He's like, I did it for the culture, making it worse. I mean, I fucking love good black things. I just thought that movie was like fine.

It's like a movie that would be on like TNT your entire childhood. Yeah, that just is kind of... Settaining. Whatever. Yeah, it's like four brothers won an Oscar. It's like, what are you talking about? I mean, Michael B. Jordan, he won and, uh, you mean, good for him. I guess people can't really create their own meaning because they don't have thoughts anymore.

So they just have to insert themselves into history somehow Like they can't just say this is important to me Because they have to be like, hmm, how am I like Rosa Parks? Or hmm, how am I like Martin Luther King? Or hmm, how am I like, you know, so and so basically? See, Rosa Parks, here's the thing about Rosa Parks? She wasn't invited in. Much like...

Rosa Parks, Rosa Parks was never invited in. The only vampire not invited in. and so I made a movie about like that for the culture. Yo, I stole this from Pushing Boots, the movie. I did see him on a pocket, so they'd be like, they got red eyes because it's in pushing boots. You know, they used to segregate the blood that black vampires used to suck out of the necks of people and shit. Right?

That was Tuskiskees. Yeah. Tuskisky, they took all the blood away from the vampire pilots and they died. Okay, how about this? How about, how about a, um, How about a black guy who? Boo. It's like the voice where you guys hit a big buzzer and spin around in a chair away from me.

But we're spinning around a way. Yeah. It's called the bit. And you guys, you go, you spin. And then it puts on noise cancelling headphones on you so you can't hear the rest of the bed. It's the mass singer, but you come out dressed like a big catapair. You're like, okay, so what about there's a black guy, but he's good. fishing.

And then Ken Jong just starts dancing. Ken Zhang starts dancing. Go, oh my God, I loved this bitch so much. This is what he sounds like. That's what he fucking sounds like. Jeff Dye hosted a mass singer show,

but it was where you couldn't see them singing. It was where Ginny Bus puts him in a mask and pisses all over him. That was his mass singer show. Oh, yeah. Ginny Bus. Someone who got mad at me, they go,

dude, stop pocket watching Jeff Die. Like, why are you constantly Like, he goes on podcast It talks about how he's very rich I'm watching I'm watching Moths fly out of his pocket How am I pocket watching? He doesn't have pockets

Yeah Hey bro, keep your eyes off Jeff Dye's monopoly money Jeff Dyes going on podcast Saying he has three million I'm like I don't think he has this much money And he's like, bro, stop pocket washing him Jeff Dye's trying to pay for parking right now

With fucking chocolate coins He's trying to fucking figure out how to pay for his cyber truck Okay, how to Okay, so the character is A black guy. Ryan Googler. Okay.

And he's a guy. This is about him looking shit up on life. He's really good at looking shit up. And he makes movies about like looking shit up. And they give him like best, they give him like best searcher at the Oscars. He can search anything. He's like,

he's like, y'all need something Googled. I'm like here. And you're like trying to. Oh, the capital of Azerbaijan, I'll be right fucking back. He goes. He's bad at Googling.

He keeps reading AI answers that are wrong Hold on He goes, I'm going to have to give this one to Jamonah Gemini for the culture I don't even I don't mind right

I put this one in Ask Jeeves Duk, duck, go Axeves I put Axeach Jeeves I'm asking Jeeves for the culture X Jeeves is You Google it And then Axeve says that is not my job

It never tells you anything. It says the capital of Azerbaijan is that is not my job. So that's the capital I guess. I'm Ron Googler. He was vampires. Ryan Googler.

That's so fucking stupid. See, it was a good bit, right? Yeah, it's a good bit. I might try it out on my special. Yeah, in your big special. Because when I do, when I record a special, I always try to put in a new bit. Which is why I do stand up once every three years.

to do a special. Yeah? To go on a bunch of podcasts and talk about your special that's coming out. No, I'm going to actually record a special and then I'm going to hit up

everybody to do their podcast and say it's my special. You just stand up for the culture. You should actually, you should legitimately. Jayce, I'm literally going to put out a 30 minute special that's complete silence and I'm going to go on people's podcasts

and people are going to be like, dude, I loved it. I cried. I'm not kidding. You should record and make a really professional special that's 35 seconds long and then go on Rogue and be like, I'm just here to promote my special.

and then people it finally airs and then it's just you go and like what if like he was Ryan Googler and then it's you dropping the microphone

and a bunch of black and white pictures of you with Norm MacDonald start playing you with John Stewart for some reason at a deli clearly photoshop yes

and you're jacked you're jacked fucking jack you're like what if his name what if his name was Ryan Googler it's like you dapping

up Paul Mooney and black and white. Yeah. I'm making it out with Arsenio Hall. What if it was Axe G's and then you... Yeah. Shit, are we already past an hour? Are we? I don't know how this shit works. I'm glad I was worried I broke the microphone for a second.

Time flies when you're... I don't know how comedians do that. That feels so rude. I know. You're hurting somebody else's property. Exactly. What if the Chappelle special ended with the AV guy coming out? Just screaming at him. He's like, enough. Stop banging it on your fucking knee.

Leave her alone. Leave her alone. Yeah, he's dating the microphone. Enough. I'm Ron Googler. Ryan Gugler. So, like, you know, like, my homie, like, you know, he asks, like, what date this happened in? And then I'm, like, look it up.

Yeah. When was, like, you know, like Bon Jovi, where's he from? And now I Google that because I'm Ryan Googler. I googled it. It told me Indiana. He's from Indiana. Yeah, that's my goal. It's Ryan Googler.

I'm Ron Googler. I'm Ryan Googler. I Googled how to get $30,000 out of a bank once and it told me wrong. And I got arrested by the cops. Does anybody remember when that happened? I'm Ron Googler. I forgot about that. Yeah, you got arrested by the cops in like 2019.

Yeah. And then they're like, don't worry. We're going to give you three Oscars you don't deserve at all. Why did he, he stole a bunch of money from? No. No, he tried to withdraw like 20K from a chase. or something. It was fucked up that they arrested them. Yeah. They're like

you talk fucking stupid. You're going to jail. Yeah. And I just saw him with a COVID mask on in the back of a squad car. He was going to know, it's for 45 millimeter film. It's for Vistavision film. I'm Ryan Googler. He's like, I'm Googling on that shit and like shabony millimeter.

This is such stupid. Ryan Googler. His internet is in 70 millimeter. Everyone goes to the theater to watch him Google shit so fucking down he's Googling how to how to use a screenplay

like software Google how do you write a movie how do you open final draft Google how do you resolve a third act to think Lee I couldn't find an answer for that I'm running Googleer that's why my movie sucked

yeah we really should it to him got him did got his ass He's going to feel this in the morning What if you had like Delroy Lindo is talking shit about us? I think I heard that Delroy Lindo like refused to clap when he lost like when I think Sean Penn won best supporting actor For what? Who is that? Who are you talking about? I know Sean Penn is he's a guy who fucked his kid.

Delroy Lindo was he's in sinners He's the guy looks like a California raisin and everyone Oh, see the guy that got the hard R shouted out of him at the bass. He's a great actor. actor yeah he really is but everyone was like every you know so like I think he expected to win because he got called the N-word by a mentally disabled and they go no we're giving it to the guy who raped him a Donna yeah we're gonna give it to the guy that uh he puts out the world's largest cigarette on a woman every year a big novelty cigarette

big novelty cigarette he puts out right in her fucking cordia like one of those pencils you get from a gift shop yeah but he's cool because he's like you know interviewing zolensky right now or something. He's in Katrina blowing Fish's heads off with a shotgun. That rules. And a big cana. I would do it double. I would dual wield.

I would look like the cover of Halo 2 when he has the two SMGs and it's orange. In Katrina? And I'd be listening to Metallica. Yeah. I'd be listening to Ride the Lightning when I have fun's in so I cannot hear their screams as I'm killing them. Have you listened to any other Metallica album other than Ride the Lightning? No. You should check out Master Puppets.

It's very good. Have you seen them at that big festival, that big crazy show where the whole crowd's going crazy? it's cool footage on YouTube it's pretty nice I don't know that sounds awesome I don't know where they are Glass and Berry yeah it's that I'm very new to Metallica I've just blown away by these guitars and these drums they're unbelievable they make these sounds they put them together

I thought I've been missing out I never allowed that into my heart because of how I was raised never did you not feel like that stuff was satanic when you heard it on the radio as a kid I think just from like weightlifting rooms I like picked that shit up like they would play like Jocks would be into like thrash metal for weightlifting specifically. See, I just got into nine inch nails. I wasn't even letting myself listen to that stuff.

Wow. Nine inch nails is fantastic. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Yeah, they're great. Yeah. Trent Rezner kicks ass. I watched the Kim Burns documentary because Nine Inch Nails did the music for it. It was fantastic.

He's like the coolest guy of all time. Yeah. Apparently's got a tiny dick. Courtney Love said he had a tiny dick. He fucked Courtney Love? He fucked Courtney Love, yeah. Who has a tiny girl? Trent Rezner.

Yeah. She said that about him. You know how Kirk Cobain was just trying to be like the Pixies? Yeah. And he was surprised that he created new music. He just misinterpreted the pixies. He thought everyone was going to think he was just ripping off the pixies. They're like, no, you invented grunge.

Yeah. Who was Trent Rezner trying to do? Because I feel like that every artist is just secretly trying to do somebody and then misinterpreted it. He was trying to do Lou. That's the anxiety of influence thing. He was trying to do Lou Reed's metal machine music. Interesting. This is the only thing I can think of.

Well, it sounds better than that. It's much better. Lou Reed actually sucked for most of his career. This really is what podcasting is. It's three guys in a basement being like, Lou Reed sucks. Lurid sucks. Anyway, Ryan Googler is a great man. Anyway, we rule.

Anyway, print it on a shirt. Let's sell it. I'm recording a special next week. Come out. You suck Ryan Cugler. Yeah. And don't forget it. Come to our live show where we say Ryan Googler and everybody laughs knowingly.

You suck. We easily do the bits. We did a whole bit when we named you Ryan Googler. And we're going to make $2,700 off shirts with that on it. With your face, with your actual face. Should we start doing live limit parties at the comedy store? No, not really. I'm really terrified to go to the comedy store.

I'm very scared. I don't like going there. I don't either. It's got a bad vibe. I'm kind of hoping I get banned. Just so it's like, who, just, you know. I'm wanting it. Like, yeah, it'll be like a weight off.

It's like getting broken up with, you know, just be done with it, you know? Yeah. They bring back the ghost to Mitsy Shore to kick your ass. But I'm getting messages from big comics on Instagram. They're DMing me, loving the stuff. Loving the work. Really? Loving stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I mean. Whose message are you Vince Champ? Yeah. Billy. Call me through two-way glass. Yeah, Billy Crystal, DM Ben, he's like, love the grind Googler bit. Because I love doing Blackface. Can I get another pool up for the war?

Thank you. Do you know, keep it going? There's one guy. There's one guy who definitely want to want us to name him. He's insanely famous. Insanely famous. Not a comedy. Jeff Bridges.

watches our stories and they're complete. The stories are worthless things. I think I know he's talking about. Yeah, he's a brilliant man. Brilliant. And he makes, like, beautiful stuff. And then he's just, like, liking a clip of me talking about fucking a dog missionary. And I'm like, whoa.

We can't describe what it is, but he makes, like, transcendent art. I don't see stuff, but I'll go, whoa, how? Why? I think this is. He's, he's, everyone's got a little crazy white boy in him. Mm-hmm, exactly. That's true. That's true.

Everyone wants to do a Ryan Googler bit. But not everybody's, but not everybody's cut out for it. You just stab yourself with the broken glass? I think I'm fine. Am I cut? I don't think so. You're covered in shit, but that was from earlier. This is why I can't podcast in Birkenstocks anymore, unless I wear those really hard wool

socks that make my feet feel like they're 400 degrees, like I'm stepping in lava everywhere. Everything is so difficult for you. You high five, deviant. Immediately stepped in broken glass. I took a grandma aspirin before I came over here. You popped it like it was Molly. I actually, Jayce, you know what's funny? You're going to get exactly what I do when I take the aspirin.

I take it like the fat guy and dumb and dumber when he has the ulcer. Oh, you have a bunch of it shoved in your mouth. So I take ass. You swig it back. Yeah. So you know, I take tons of aspirin now. It's like, it makes a lot of the pain go away. You go, pills are good.

Pills are good. I figured out that you don't have to look at the pills in your hand and count them. You can fill them in your mouth. So I just turn the bottle and then I count them on my tongue basically as I'm swallowing. And I take about a G. And now your liver looks like Burke Chrysler's head. Yeah. It's wearing a... It looks like his tour bus.

Supposedly if you take it with vitamin K2, there's no side effects with the bleeding of the stomach. Yeah, I guess. Have you been taking it with vitamin K2? I have not bought it. No, I've been taking it. I have a lot of a K too. But aspirin insades, they call them, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.

Yeah. But I treat Coca-Cola. I love soda because I realize it's like cigarettes you can drink. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I just... I have them because I keep them... It's like drinking sweet dip spit.

Exactly. Yeah. So I just treat it. They're like cigarettes. I keep 20 of them in a pack. I put them in my back pocket. I pull one out. Tap it.

Shake it. Let it explode in your face. Light it. You light it. You light it. Like your free basin. You take baby aspirin to avoid heart attacks before a muck bang. You know the craziest thing about Ben is his body's failing? He can eat the spiciest food of any white person I've ever seen in my life.

He does have a good tolerance for spice. We've gone to Thai places and Ben has ordered stuff that they've almost like refused to bring him. They're amazed that he's fine. But here's the thing. It's because Ben is so retarded. Like stagnant and like not like an athletic guy and he doesn't work out at all. looks at, I've noticed this with Fatsos. You eat spicy, spicy food is like,

it's like you feel like you're doing cardio or something. Cause it like, yeah, because it like, it dilates, whatever, vaso constrictory, whatever, yeah, yeah, capillaries open up and shit. The idea that I view chicken McConae like it's a stair master. That's the, literally I know what you're up to. That's why you like, you get the hot

and then you kind of think you did cardio that day. You get, you get the spicy butter chicken and then you feel like good about yourself. You got, because you're sweating while you eat. dopamine from a bench press set. You're exactly right, Devin. That's it. You eat, like, really spicy lamb Vindaloo, and you're like, wow, you have, like, a towel with you.

Wipe your head. He wakes up at 5 a.m. like, Jocko to eat Vindaloo. You just post a video of you covered in sweat in a parking lot. Just got out of Burma Star. Good workout today. Let's get it. I do think it's associated with that. I think it's, like, why Rogan's always like, yeah, I usually like a whole jalapeno with my

elk because it makes you sweat and he loves like those the hot sauces that are insane. I know. What a sad just stunting fag. Like literally everything is to be like, I eat the hottest pepper that anybody could eat. It was the hottest one.

Conquer your inner bitch. I did the last stab and it didn't. I liked it actually. Those guys are cortisol maxing. That's all it is. Yeah. You can tell. Ice cold baths. Tons of red meat. workout for nine hours your body is

screaming reading comments about how they should fucking die 24-7 cortisol maxing that's why they all like big red cherries yeah big red you're not healthy unless you're red oh me I'm the healthiest guy in the world that's why I'm beat red all the time that's why I look like I just walked out of the desert after a big car crash because I'm healthy

yeah me and rfK yeah me and We go into a big hot tub with jeans on and we get red as fuck. We're healthy. I look like I fell asleep on the sun. I'm healthy. I do love that, but this, Devin, you are right. You know what I'm saying? I've had that too.

It's like a subconscious thing where I'm like, who, I didn't do anything today, but boy, that was spicy. Yeah, it's, it's literally the dopamine kick. You get, like, you accomplish something. Yeah. You get hit with feel good chemicals. Yeah. And it kind of does rule having a body like mine. The way I'm walking.

Like, I love walking around at Home Depot, and the staff can immediately recognize that I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a gaywad. Yeah. They go, you're, sir, we can see you from far, you're a complete and total worthless gaywad. It's unbelievable. You need help finding the most simple thing. A gay wad. Sir. And he sucks so much ass that in L.A. in 2026, somebody's like, you're a gay one.

You're a gay one. Something a bully would tell us in Texas in 2004. You're a gay wad. A big wad of gay. You're at Home Depot building yourself a wheelchair. Yeah, Ben. I have two mitersaws on either side as wheels. And I'm like, z-z-z.

You have to get out of the Home Depot. Like, it's flight of the Phoenix. You have to build your way out. Can I turn my miter saw into like a big... car probably just shooting sparks into your dick while it drags you forward like a dog you're having them shake your wings at the at the paint part where they shake paint you're bringing hot wings yeah yeah I'm bringing them butter chicken they're stirring it for me with a big thing yeah they're bringing I have I have gumbo that's cold yeah like you guys

can you heat it up by shaking shake this is up it's kind of like jelly can you make it hot by shaking it from friction I can know doc says because of my immunities are I can only eat friction cooked foods if I want chicken I have to rub it really fast between my hands yeah so funny so funny to be like Joe Rogan's a lot of it when you pull in the james's a bottle I guess definitely has been out of the shot the whole time I've even noticed yeah just a little bit sorry buddy I mean we record in a closet your dad charges us a fortune for it's it's so funny stuff like that. It's like, you know, he does, it's fine.

Trying to sue Discord. We would have had a fucking, you would be paying more for a studio. But it is ridiculous. He charges us. It's insane, actually. Every time I set it of the money, I'm like, my time. Because he thinks he would move like a seven-person thing.

I guess he didn't pay rent that starts squatting. My chine, my chine. Don't you like my chine? My young pooch in mine and I'm popping off the chain mind And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine

No you call me Gucci Gucci My chain, my chain Don't you like my chain mind Yon Gucci mine And I'm popping off the chain mind And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci

I came to the club Just to fuck my chain line Catch another charge and I'm going To the chain guy Oh I think I'm icing Sold a hundred dollars in baloney sex and white screen Don't you see how bright it is City girls and country girls be telling me how tight it is

They think my chain was moving It's out the chain Don't you like my chain man And I'm popping off the chain And my checkup is so fruited I ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci My chain my chain Don't you like my chain mine

Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain And my Jacob is so Ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci You be shy Gucci you be shining man Don't turn me on home Tell me who yo my girlfriend acting like

She say I'm acting different Just because I got this chain Yellowstones holler at you later on My chain hanged to my shoe's crank Like my watching wine But I know you love my chine Don't you like my chine mine Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain

My chak a bit so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci My chine My chain, don't you like my chine mine? Y'all goochie mine and I'm popping off the chain And my Jacob is so fruited, you call me Gucci Gucci Yeah

My first chain I had to rob for it Jesus piece, yellow diamond sitting all in it I'm on some slick brick shit 2006 Mr. T, diamond so bright Ain't no way you can't see the G Look I don't dance I just lean with it My piece is sick, Gary Robert trying to leave with it I got that New York fitted on

Full suit, Dickie on. Gucci link chain, blue stones in a nigga charm. Now watch me do it. Do it with no hands. Traps when he craned on that bezel and that band. Because I'm the man. I'm the man. Got no wife, but my chain got my girlfriend.

My chain, my chine, don't you like my chine, mine? Young Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the chide. And my check a bit so fruited. Call me Gucci mine. No, you call me Gucci, Gucci. My chine. Don't you like my chain mind Y'all, Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain

And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci