lemonparty - 178: Project X Mary

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

I am shooting my special at the comedy store march 30th this monday Also come see lemonparty in texas in april lemonparty.life hims.com code lemon lucy.co/lemon Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Benjamin Netanyahu Avery Standing at 6 foot 4 Benjamin Netanyahu Alan Avery Testing check Sirius is playing

And now Introducing Career leader Children killed He runs out all hunchback He's the star of the theme It tries Oh here we go

Hey, that was, everything was coming on. Leading the team and leading ACU and scoring, Benjamin Netanyahu, Alan Avery. Yeah, four points per game. I am more Jewish than Benjamin Nanyahu. That is true. We are all more Jewish than Benjamin Nanyahu. We hate ourselves and feel conflicted about our jobs and show business. We're all more Jewish than Benjamin.

Yeah, yeah, he's, that guy needs to relax, man. God. People were saying he's dead, but I don't think that's true. I showed up the other day, like in rubble or something. He was standing with a bunch of Jews or Zionists. He did Erica Kirk show. Yes. Yeah.

He fucked Erica Kirk. He fucked Erica Kirk to prove that he's alive. Yeah, people kept posting, there's someone, there is unfortunately a Nanyahu derangement syndrome where people were posting pictures of him giving a speech and they're like, that's five hands. That's five fingers. I was like, that's one of them's a thumb. Yeah. That's what a real hand looks like.

Few of them were weird, but then there was one where they were like only four fingers, and I'm like, I think the other fingers behind the handshake. Hiding behind the other finger, yeah. They're like his coffee was really full. It definitely was a little weird for a little bit. Like, he was like canceling, like, things he was supposed to speak it. But that's because he, they want to kill him. Yeah. So he's in hiding.

Because they woke up Iran. Yeah. And Iran is fucking, holy shit. Unbelievable. They're treating Israel like garbonzo beans. They're stomping all over him. Yeah. They're like the bad boy pistons.

They're really, I mean, it's, I didn't know if you start a war with somebody, they'll fight back. Who knew? Ben Wallace Nanyahu. This is crazy. Who knew? Ben Wallace Nett Diyadh. I think our test is more of Iran, right? Yeah, Iran our test.

Iran, our test. That's very good. Yeah, he's in the stands right now. Beating up little Jewish kids that are fans of his. They look like fat Mexicans from the mouse in the palace. Iran are test. Yeah, a Jewish kid. kid threw a little container of hummus at him while he was laying down the score's table.

He just went up there swinging fists. You know about the mouse in the palace, right? You wear the mouse in the palace, Benjamin? On Yahoo, Alan Avery. Yeah, I remember Ron Arn Testi sort of climbed into the stands very high. It was great. And he started taking swings at a bunch of guys who kind of looked like me. It was an incredible moment.

No, yeah, he took swings like a guy that, yeah, it was actually the wrong guy. No, he was taking swings at whites. Of course. Was he? I thought it was Mexican on black violence only. He, initially, the guy, the guy that threw the drink was a white guy, and then he passed the guy. He didn't know who did it, and he started beating up an innocent man.

Yeah, he started, like, kicking, like, little homies around the stadium. Yeah, and then Stephen Jackson joined, then started just attacking anybody. And then when he went back on the court and his jersey was all ripped, these two, like, fat Mexican, like, Pistons fans walking onto the court, and they were, like, they squared up, when he just destroyed them. Two guys named Edgar. Yeah, literally. Two guys who say the N-word more than Ron Artaest did.

Yes. That he beat the shit out of. Yeah. Let's go in. Oh, did you guys see that there's a big commercial now for not saying the R word? Retard? Yeah, which R word?

I literally was like thinking hard R or? What if they're like, don't say retard, you can say the N-word now? Oh. Centers one, best screenplay, so you can say it again. Yeah, there's like a, sometimes every now and then there's like a commercial for a slur and you're like it's so funny yeah it's like it's a company of like hey man you got to pay the toll it's like got milk yeah

got slur yeah got fag yeah uh has somebody edited by the way michael b jordan winning best uh actor and then the guy just running in and screaming the inward again the turetz guy i'd like to watch that there's like a commercial for slurs sometimes which i love they I hear it's called Lemon Party. Yeah. It's paid for by Big R. I think I saw it maybe on Instagram. R word commercial.

R word. Well, it's not a commercial, but I should probably be typing in PSA, I guess. It brings up Norman's new special, the promo. I mean, is there a mentally challenged person in the commercial? I mean, of course. Well, because, yeah, well, then that's why they're wrong again. Wrong again. No one's ever doing that.

Never happening. If you ever see a guy call it mentally to say, person or retard, you should have, you should be able to just shoot them. Yeah, yeah, Jill, immediately. That's the worst guy alive. That hasn't happened since 1982. Nobody's done that. No, it's for your fucking friend that should know better.

Can you imagine actually walking up to a guy who shaped like a tombstone pizza, like with a, like a stone cold Steve Austin shirt on and you call him a... You call him an actual... You go, you're a fucking retard. And he goes, no. Yeah. That's insane. That's insane. That's insane to do.

It's like stepping on a, on a... big gecko you see or something just popping it, yep. Like, why would you do that? No, I know. Like, you, it would be more respectful to walk up to a retarded person or sorry, a person with mental retardation you hold up like a big magnifying glass to the sun and just burn him like

a big hand. You go, keep looking, keep looking. He's like, but it hurts. No, I know, no. I don't know when that happened. Maybe like an 80s, like in the 80s? Yeah. Like an evil guy? A bully in the 80s? This is too, this is too hot for, I'm sorry, for, It's not, yeah, the forehead's not big enough, honestly.

No, I'm sorry. That's one of the kids from the Hunger Games. That's an actor. Wait, is it's not a mentally challenged guy? No, it is. I mean, I could see it. But they got the cream of the crop. He also could be, like, the hottest actor in Hollywood, honestly.

Because that's kind of the new look. Yeah. Everyone looks a little off now. They could be a guy named like Callum Turner. And everybody's like, he's the biggest. I mean, Sidney looks like she could be touched a little bit. That's what we kind of like, we think it's a little hotter. Yeah, right?

Exactly. Yeah, because she's a little teed up. But then nobody likes the zombie girl. Last of Us. Oh, Andrew Calhian. Bella Ramsey. Yeah, yeah, Bella Ramsey. Yeah, yeah, because her...

Channel 5 News. Channel 5 News, yeah, of course. Bell Ramsey, her head is shaped like the Mac at Night guy, the old moon, wearing a suit playing the piano from the 80s commercial. Well, see, Bella Ramsey doesn't look, like, retarded, really, or mentally, whatever. She looks like a product of incest or something. Like, she just looks like British, weird. incest, baby. But she's got like 95 IQ.

This is her, right? Yeah, that's her. This is who I'm thinking of. I'm pretty sure. That's actually the best photo of her I've ever seen. That was 95 IQ good. It's better than most. Is it? I don't know what IQ is. Yeah, that's, yeah. She looks like Junior Stopka. That's six, seven comedian Junior Stopka. Yeah, and she's a, she went for the non-binary thing, which she's probably, probably walked back right now. I mean, this show came and went so quick. It's like, fucking, it had so much hype.

It had so much hype and no one gives a fuck. Last season, fucking was a snooze fest. And they have another season on the way and they keep trying to do like promotion for it. And be like, this actor's gonna play this character. She's like, no one cares anymore. You kill Pedro Pascal. No one cares.

And now the ugly lady's a lesbian and we don't care. Yep. Yeah. She said, I'm gonna be a dad. And we all said this stinks. I'm a dad? This is woke. Sucked ass.

And we hate woke man. And, hey, enough time has passed. The Nick Offerman, a homo episode sucked. It was a piece of shit. I really got, I got to admit, I got sci-opt by that. Have you re-watched it? I'll re-watch it. I know it. I know it sucks.

It's a piece of shit, Jay-Jas. I know. It was too fresh from COVID. I just started dating my girlfriend long distance. I was, I got sci-on-a-lid. I thought it was, you know, whatever. But, like, yeah. This guy cried during Project Hell Mary last night.

I cried three times during Project. I stole one of the crippled guy's seats because there's no good seats left. Ben was sitting at the front row. Oh, you saw Project Hail Mary, too. You haven't spoken about it once. So you hate it. You're a vicious maniac that has no soul. Because we've been talking about it all day, and you haven't meant you haven't said anything.

You didn't even say you were with your own brother. I didn't have thoughts about it. You had no thought. No, I was exhausted. Ben was sad. I didn't really have any thoughts on it either, but I enjoyed it tonight. I just liked that they have the cherry float flavor at the freestyle machine. I made sure to give as many of those as I could.

Your wife did scold you for getting a fourth one on the way out. She had no idea it was going to be my sixth because when she gets up to go to the bathroom, I run to the freestyle machine and get a full refill and come back and then drink half of it on the way. I saw him. He was in the very front row. I saw him sprinting over people's legs like it was an alligator. He was running across. Because I know I have like a minute and 20 seconds before she's back and then I sprint across the –

because it's a mall. I sprint across the – You fill it up, you chug it and then fill another one and then sprint back. The whole food court, yeah. And my wife comes back from the bathroom. She's like, why are you reading so hard? Yeah. Are you sweating?

You're like, the rock made me sad. You look like a Safty Brothers character, sprinting. So at the end of the movie, I was like, I'm going to get one more refill when we're walking. She goes, that will be your third. I'm like, you're right. And I put it in the trash. I'm like, stupid bitch. It's going to be like my six or seventh.

I lost count. Because she keeps pissing up a storm. It's a three-hour movie. It was a long movie. It kept going. Yeah. But no, Ben's been sleep deprived. He was barely functioning.

Did you enjoy it at all? Did it pull on any of your year? I mean, I don't know. It's just like, it's just gay shit for retards. I mean, what do you want for me? Yeah. I liked it, but it did. Do you remember there's a movie that came out two years ago with Sandler and there's also

a spider in space and then the thing coming from Venus? What? That one was sad, though. Spider in space with Sandler? Yeah, Paul Dano plays the spider. The spider. It's an alien, but it looks like a spider. The whole time I was like, can they like acknowledge that this was already a movie they did two years ago? I never saw that. I didn't know that. It's called like Space Man or something, I think.

I had never heard of the film. It was fun. I like, I like, I like cute little things and stuff. And the trope of the guy alone in space is fun. And, uh, um, I didn't like all the... It being nonlinear is a huge cop out, I think. Yeah, I hated that. I didn't like them. I didn't like any of the scenes when he was on Earth and like just a regular guy. And he's his like, like, you know, doing science experiments. Yeah. Like, boo ya. But who hates Ryan Gosling? He kicks ass.

Yeah, you also did point out Ryan Gosling is trying to do the like, I'm kind of a nerd. It's like you're the hottest guy. You're the hottest guy alive. You're teaching. You're like a, you know. Literally like every one of those students

you would molest because they tried to fuck you. Like you're not a loser. Well, they were like children, but sure. That's what I'm saying is a guy. That's why you can't have a teacher that hot. That's what would happen. That's how I care about the children. That's why I'm saying that.

Yeah. It was a little bit of like. The rock would. try and fuck him in the movie. You know Glenn Powell in the Richard Linklater film? Hitman. Yeah, yeah. It's like that a little bit. It's like you're way too good looking to be a nerd. Working in public education.

It makes no sense. You can't be a guy who's nervous to talk to him. You've been blown every day of your entire life. Yeah. That was almost charming about it though. That's why I love Jayce. He's weeping during the movie. I'm literally, I'm cold or drunk. I'm on the floor. To be fair, our mom is also in town, so it's, for my mind, it's the equivalent of being near the Chernobyl disaster.

I'm just taking radioactive shots. My mom told me at breakfast, she said when I came home from the hospital, she said, Jay's looked at me and he kicked me. I did? That's what she said, yeah. Really? That sounds like bad. She sounds like she's just running a bad PR thing.

I don't think that's real. She goes, it was because he was excited that you, that I kicked you? She said you ran up to me and it was like, this is your baby brother, and then you kicked me. Where'd I kick you? I guess the seat, you kicked the seat really hard. Maybe I was just testing you out, like you're an old call. You know, I was going to buy. I was like, what's this whole hunk of junk?

You know, how many miles it get? It's kind of awesome. Yeah. That's how you met me. Big kick. I think that's a pretty normal thing. Like, most older kids try to, like, suffocate their younger siblings when they come. That's a very common thing.

So, I'm actually a hero. You don't need to defend it. Your mom's up to no good. She hates the show. I think she's trying to ruin. I think that's why she told me that. Because I was just trying to have a coffee and an egg with cheese on it. Sure.

Lots of cheese. Lots of cheese. I know. I was busy masturbating my hotel room for the third time that I got. I got a hotel room because I was, I'm trying to be a good son. I was coming up early before we record. And I was like, well, I've got this hotel room. I can't. I have to use it. I have to beat off until I pass out from lack of salt. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I think it's a hotel room for one night and you turn into a member of Led Zeppelin. You get like 30 hookers. You trash the place. Light it on fire. It looks exactly the same except nobody came over at all. But there's just common condoms. and they check the security game. They're like, no, but he never, it's only him. Yeah, they come in and they go, oh, he fucked the bed. There's a big divid between the mattress and the bed frame.

There's come inside the TV. At the Marriott, you state that there's probably surveillance footage that looks like when Paddock is moving all the guns into the sweet. But it's just porn. Yeah, it's old Playboys I bought on eBay. Just suitcase after suitcase. It's me looking at a Playboy from the day I was born. Just being like, ooh.

Samantha Fox And you look insanely bald in the footage But that's how the cameras work It makes you look more bald It's very weird It's a Jewish sireop To make me feel like I'm bald To goy be me into taking more hymns

Shout on hymns our sponsor Well you'll learn more about them later in the show And that's what I wish the FBI did get that across In the Mandalay footage They should have put under like the surveillance footage Like he's not this bald But the camera makes you look more bald

because it refracts off of hard surfaces, from what I understand. So it goes past the hair. The camera, yeah, the camera adds 10 goy beams. Yeah. Guy slop is everywhere these days. Speaking, I mean, did you see this? Goy slop.

It just means like everybody, every, it just means life. I mean, it means cells. It means literally like anyone doing anything. It's Goy Slop. I mean, look. Mitochondri are goy slop. Like a male man goes like,

here's your mail, have a nice day. And people go, this is what, typical Goyslop right here. You see his son and a dad. This wasn't a Jewish experience, so it's Goy Slop. You see a son and a dad playing catch in the park. You go typical Goy Slop. Is that what Goy shit is?

It just means anyone not Jewish? I mean, I think anything. So it's anything happening at all that's not Jewish base? I think a wedding could be categorized as Goy Slop. Why? Because it's designed to emiserate just normal Christian white people. They spend every cent they have on a big wedding, so when they get started, they have fucking nothing. It has to be a sci-opt-based.

But people go, here's a thing to mix batter. Interesting. I'm happy to hear you break it down. Mix icing with. It's goy-slop shit. It's for the goy. Yeah. It is.

It's like, there is like there's so much money spent on like, you know, whipped cream makers and, like, sparkling water machines. A to chocolate around. And it's like, you know. A toaster for you to kill yourself with. I would never have any of that on my wedding registry. They just give me money. You know what the goyam do? I'm not going to make ice cream.

They go, oh, son, you're 16. Here's a car I bought. for $4,000 that's going to be worthless in four years. It's going to break down on its last leg and you're going to leave it on the side of the road. That's Guislaw. That's Guislaw. That's Guislaw. Here's being a J. If someone goes, hey, I opened up a Roth IRA for you. I made you an employee of my company. I bought $5,000 worth of X stock when you were one and now it's worth $400. Yeah. When you retire, it's $4 million. So if I was an evangelical retard, I would have spent that $4,000 on a car that was depreciating.

A Jewish person does the smart thing. They go, son, I bought you a blues musician. You own all the rights to everything, every string he ever plays. Son, you own blind limb in Jefferson. He's in a cage in the basement of our Jewish house. Son, I bought you the Commodores. How about B-Bee being? They're in a cage doing like the dance, the spin and the fingerset.

I wish it would rain. Oh, God, yeah, thank you so much for the Commodores. Now, thanks to my dad, I got the Commodores in a cage. But the more Jewish neighbors next door got Lionel Richie as well. Every Jewish, like someone has BB King and a, like a Madam Two Starz, Wax Museum style. Son, I got you, BB King's Lucille guitar. You can throw in the trash as a sign of disrespect. Son, I bought you, Diana Ross.

So I guess you could say like... We've been keeping her alive in a big tube. Baby, baby, baby. Oh, we don't need me. As he hits her with a cat. You put a blanket over her. A Jewish kid puts a blanket over her cage to shut her up at night. Like it's a parrot.

It's a Jewish kid. I need waterman food. Please feed me. It's a Jewish kid holding his hand out. Diana Ross leaps onto his arm. And you squats. Like a falconry. And he feeds her bits of chicken out of a bag.

So good. It's so good. B- Okay, that's enough for you. That's enough for that. I'm going to play 2K. I love the Knicks. I love owning black people in all types of formats.

Okay, time to shut up, my human IRA. Okay. Excuse me, I'm playing a special version of 2K for Jewish people. You're just the owner of the team. You don't play the games. It's 2K, but you're sitting in a box suite watching your team play. Jewish Roth IRA is just a legendary black musician. That's all it is.

Because you're a fake employee for a fake construction company. You're Jewish dad-oh. Yeah, called J Enterprises. Oh, God. Jay shit, you said. Yeah, so, yeah, Goyam, all the Goyam traditions really are designed to just kind of enslave you and put you in debt forever. And we think it's, like, kind of cool and, like, a ride of passage. Guys who are CPAs who buy, uh, lease a.

truck for 80K, least to own. That's, like, goy shit. Let me ask you this. Okay, so this is retarded white bullshit. Goislob is like, um, Adventureland. Oh, I got a summer job like making $10 so I could buy a Disney adults. A Dodge Dart. Disney adults. I bought a Dodge Dart

with the money I made working at the carnival and I kiss the girl. So here's the problem. And that's the Goyam. Here's the problem. That's the Goy. That's the Goy. I'm a forever loser. Jews fucking rule. And they're much smarter than all of us. Oh, Jews are like what Rick Ross That's why we're so angry.

Exactly, Devin, you're right. A Jew would never put truck nuts on his car. He would pat in truck nuts and make millions of dollars. Yeah, sure. Yeah, exactly. He would dig a tunnel under Manhattan and suck nuts down there. A seed would suck on truck nuts in a cave. Smoking crack.

There you go. These truck nuts would be great they were much smaller and on a boy. And in a cave somewhere. In Brooklyn. And in my ass. And in my ass. My Jewish age. But that's, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Okay, so Goy shit is just retarded, like, you know, barbecuing retards, spending money on bullshit. Yeah, like, you know, we save every penny we have to go on vacation once a year. Did Jews even barbecue? I don't even think they barbecue, really. I mean, they got something going on in Gaza. Well, interesting. There's smoke rising somewhere.

Always. There is a Jewish guy pulling a meat thermometer out of a Palestinian child right now. They're going to do it. He's like he just hit 165. They're going to do a big cookout at the Oaksa Moss pretty soon, I'm sure. Do you think Israel's using this as a big, they're like, they're like, Iran's fucking crazy, and they just keep bombing Gaza. They blow their own brains out.

Fucking terrorists. God damn it. We're at war with Iran. God, we've got a bunker full of Diana Rosses. They're not safe. We were talking today about just Quinn Tarantino's in a bunker somewhere being so boring for so long, Majusa running out into rocket strikes just to get away from him. Yeah, they can't hear him talk about how unstoppable is a masterpiece.

They go, oh, take me bomb. Oh, God. Yeah, Tel Aviv's getting hit, though. Yeah, Tel Aviv's on fire. Apparently, that's what people are saying. It's rough. I don't know if it's wishful thinking. I'm not paying attention. I'm too distracted by the Goy Slop, like Project Helmerie. I'm sitting there. I'm like, be a cute little spider in space.

I don't even know where at war. I think I said it on a hate watch, but I'm not paying it. I'm gonna repeat it because fuck you. Well, sir, I can't believe the guy does two shows 14 hours apart. He has the nerve to repeat himself occasionally. Project X, Hail Mary. Oh. But Ryan Gosling's like, he's like date raping with aliens.

He's doing like a butt chug with the, with Rocky. That's why the Rockians need to watch each other sleep so they don't get date raped. Ryan Gosling and the Rock alien, they're like, We woke upon the roof. That night was crazy. Oh, my God. This is nuts. You got your little peppers off.

It was crazy. Let's get some more yager. What is also funny, I realize he wakes up next to two dead astronauts, and one of them is the AT&T girl. Yeah, that's why. Yes. That's what I wanted to talk to you guys about. Me too. We got to get to the Goy stuff.

God. And she's doing a really bad Russian accent, even though she's like Russian. She is Russian. But she doesn't even know how to do it. It was terrible. She's a bad actress. But her tits weren't out. And so her tits weren't out.

And so honestly, honestly, that's like a couple strikes. I'm thinking a little bit of jail time for her. Well, what if the DVD comes out, deleted scenes, before he shoots her into space, he just tady fucks her for like 15 minutes. She is just like, I was just set on a death mission. I get one thing. I don't like how she is such a essentially a nobody, but she's famous for being sexualized. Yes. being in the AT&T course.

I was her going live on Instagram and she starts crying because everyone just keeps posting the milk emoji. She's like, stop posting milk and then like 40 more milks come in. I think I was there if I remember. Watching live. I was watching live. She was watching live. I was just milk milk milk.

I was posting, if you were there in the trenches with me brothers, I was posting milk with everyone. She was crying. She was crying. And little does you know I got harder. She was like, please just view me as a human being. Please. And everybody's like, fuck you bitch.

Show you tits, whore. Mommy milkers. A woman who just does not understand the internet at all. She's like, I'm begging you from the soul of my heart, please. Show me the nipples, whore. Bite on the nipple, or. Dude, I was at a Christmas party. So can I say?

She was at a Christmas party. I was at a Christmas party, I was at one time, by the way. It was kind of crazy. I was at a Christmas party in Beverly Hills, doing some, you know, Goy Slop stuff. Sure. And she just, she happened to be there. And I, of course, I didn't do anything, but I was like, what if I just like, I don't a fugue steak and I just like tackle her under

like the Christmas tree or something I just go I just go crazy and I just Nick Ryder style I come out of a blackout and I'm trying to thumb I was thinking during the movie like You tackle her

I know you see like I was thinking how perfect it would be in Project Hell Mary if you woke up in like around Neptune yeah millions of light years away or something. I don't know how long a lot of years.

Oh, that's the one thing about Proxel, Mary, I didn't understand. I'm sorry, I didn't continue going. I think we cut you off. No, no, no, I cut you off. Please, typical go-ishet. I'm sorry.

Please. The go-e-e-hom are speaking. I'm being a go-on. Go-on. Yeah, to be, if I can be goy's advocate for a second. Please. Not for big guy's advocate. So you're on Neptune.

First of all, the movie was fun. It would be crazy if I walked out. I was like, fuck that easy. No, it was fun. What I was going to say is that all of the science in it, I was like, I didn't need, they could have cut like 45 minutes because it's like a lot of, like, it's a lot of fake equations and shit where I'm like, there's no need for this. I imagine what you're doing. It's the petroval line. No, I do this in interstellar too and it sucks ass with all the matter. Yeah, it's fake. I don't care.

It's fun. I had a good time. It's fun going to movies. I had a good time. You're an evil guy and, you know, your kids will really not enjoy your lack of love from movies like that someday. You need to figure it out. No, the little spider kept reminding us of Bubba, our son, because he does little things like that with his hands. Did you take the kids? No. No, no, no, no. Oh, the kids could go see that again.

No, they were asleep alone at the house for a long time. Oh, so this was an escape. Yeah. You're supposed to escape to, like, a movie like sideways when you have kids. You're not supposed to go see the kids movie. If they were showing sideways, I'd be it sideways right now. I want to be doing this show if they were showing sideways right now. Can you imagine if we had a sideways already?

I would call you and be like, I'll meet you in two and a half hours. San Diego to go to sidewalks. We would drive halfway and meet in a like Orange California and watch sideways. Sorry to interrupt my gosh. No, so basically if I woke up in the middle of space and there was nobody there, but you know, you're in this environment where

Melissa Vain Trump's body is perfectly preserved. That's what I'm saying. That's all I was thinking about during the movie. Doesn't she die? She dies. But she doesn't decompose. That's such bullshed her. And she's basically a sex doll. Yeah, Ryan Gossack's just titty flucking her dead body. Because I mean in his mind, he's like, I'm the old, this is my

the end of my life. Yeah. It would be... Listen, I don't... Listen, I don't want anyone to think I'm a bad guy. If I was running gauzing in that movie, there's not a chance in hell

I would have ever made the connection with the alien. Ever! It would have been me titty fucking a dead woman. That's what I... That's all I can think about... Until I run out of beans. And then honestly,

I probably would have created too much friction on her big... On her dead tits, and they would have gotten, like, kind of weird and crusty and, like, bloody. I'd probably start... I'd probably start mouth fucking the dead Asian guy, too.

I'd shave her hair, and I'd tape it to his head. And I'd go, you're like an Asian woman. You use every part of the Buffalo is what you're saying. Exactly. Like the natives would have done. Your titty, you've cut her tits off. You put on the Asian guy. And meanwhile, the rock, you're fucking in.

Meanwhile, the rocket is just sending, like, message after message is just bouncing out the side of your spacecraft. And I'm like, it doesn't mean anything. You're a rock. Shut up. Yeah, the Rock's like, this is really fucked up, man. I don't understand what's happening. This is fucked up. You don't even speak.

You speak and, you know, you just hit the, you hit glass. Fucking figure it out, dumbass. I don't care that your rock, you know, wife died or whatever the fuck. Did he ever find his wife? Aaron. I forget. He got back to his wife. Yeah.

On the home plan. Spoiler. Spoiler. Spoiler. If you're Gosling, why would you ever leave that rock land to get new shoes? Where you get to be God. Well, his shoes are going to eventually, like, he's going to need new shoes. I was looking at his shoes.

I'm like, how long are those going to last on that beach? What if they're like, we actually have Nike Cortez's? That's the only shoe we have here. Yeah. That would kick ass. Yeah. Spoilers. Sorry.

The movie was. The movie was. It's just a fun movie. It was a fun movie. And it also felt like it was from a different era. It felt like the movie was made with no knowledge of the fact that we live in complete and total hell. Exactly. It felt like it was like a pre-2020 movie.

Which you need every once in a while. Exactly. A pre-s schizophrenic America movie. And I love Goss. God, I love that guy. Gosslings great. Even though his face is getting weird and weirder every movie. A little bit, but he's got such good comedic timing.

I know he's so bad. He's such a natural comedic actor. You just love the guy. He's fantastic. It's so funny to have the lady from zone of interest in there for no reason. Yeah. Like such a serious actor. Anatomy of a fall, too.

Anatomy of a fall, yeah. Yeah, that was all, I love when they fucking, when they show that they like essentially just drugged him and forced them to do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, spoilers again, sorry. I don't care. Spoilers on a three-hour children's movie. If I can get over at Homo's. Yeah, it's basically a gardener's shit.

It's literally a kid's movie. It's a rival for children. But it was, I had a good time. You'd be a sick man if you walked out of here. Like, I can't wait to destroy this on Latterbox. You go, this wasn't even. Breathless was much better. It was like, okay, kill yourself, man.

That's insane. Yeah, you'll never enjoy anything. You're mentally. Are you on a roller coaster being like, fucking bullshit. Yeah. This isn't the human experience. You're the guy that's like,

pet sounds isn't that good. It's like, you should die. You should die, man. I'm jacking off to the AT&T lady right now. Yeah. Me too.

Imagine breaking down the Martian. Uh-huh. Imagine breaking down the Martian. The Martian was better than this, I thought. Yeah, the Martian's better. Yeah, it's more grounded. But it's in the same vein of the Martian.

Yeah. This is more whimsical. A little more whimsical. Yeah. But it's still fun. Oh, just we need to do an ad. We're at the halfway point. Oh, yeah.

Speaking of... We're at the half gay point. Hey, don't be funny during the ad. It's fucking annoying. Are people saying that? Are people saying insane things about the ad? I saw like a couple people complain about the ads. Listen, can I say before we start that,

and don't put the stuff on the screen because the ad people see this? Fast forward. What are you doing? Yeah, if you don't like it, hey, how about this? If you don't like it. If you do like it. If you don't like it, go find your fucking dad's gun. Okay.

All right. And go have fun. Go have fun. Go have fun. Go look at the... the AT&T lady online. If you don't like the hands, go fucking jack off to the AT&T, the big tin at AT&T.

What if that was our first ad was for jacking off to the AT&T lady? That's really the first sign that it's Goy Slop is the commercial lady. It might as well be starring the Guy Coakave Man, you know? You know what? That is interesting. It's a lady like her, I'm like, I was like, they literally are only having you in this

because they know it'll excite the pervert in the crowd. They know that there's a dad there with his kids, they know that that guy had like, he had like a fun year, like jacking off to you. Yeah. And he's going to get a big kick out of you. Because you bring nothing to the day. That got him through 2018. Yeah.

Finally back on the year you jacked off to the 18th, T lady. Hey, it's the little things in life. Honestly. And I guarantee there was men in the theater that were like, God, that was a good year. I remember the hype behind her. When I jacked off to the day teen tea lady, what a wonderful year. She does the hooker, uh, uh, Goy Beam thing.

Where she goes, the number one person on only fans made more money last year than LeBron James. That's fucking feminism. You're like, that's the most, that is real feminism right there. Yet she won't, yet she won't show her fucking tits.

Yet she's fucking wearing snow pants and a fucking, and a hot air balloon umbrella everywhere she goes. Fuck you. She did. So other women can be horrors, but you, you're not, you're not public domain?

You're not public property? Well, so she did only fan... You're public property now! They were amazing! You turned a whole nation on. It was magical. It was a magical time, and you fucking, you stepped on it like a bug. You killed it.

You killed it with your prudeness. And this is why, can I say, I think the AT&T lady kind of sucking ass is the reason we liked Sidney Sweeney so much as a nation. Because she embraces it. Because she's like, I'm a pair of tits. that should be jacked off to and I exist. I do not exist outside of that. Thank you.

Done. Thank you. And that's why I love her. Locked and loaded. And then I go, eventually I get tired of that. I kind of wanted to be pissed at me again. I feel that was actually hotter.

No, no, now it's time for Sidney to be upset at her tits. Yeah. To have a feminist. She should do like a thing where she should be upset. She should, as a feminist, she should come on TV and blow her tits off with a gun.

It would be funny if she holds them hostage. Like the Joker in the Dark Night Rises. It would be funny if she did like an Andrea Dwarkin, like 180 where she's like all sex is rape and I'm gonna and she cuts her tits off yes that'd be great when oh I got these scars yeah I would I would appreciate that

alright because as long as you commit cut your tits off and there'd be a fled she should cut her tits off on like live leg the sea levels would rise like it's a beheading like Bahadisian she should hire some Muslim guys to cut her tits off on on Al Jazeera

when Sidney Sweeney cut her tits off It was a very good year. Very weird in the viral Melissa Vain Trump clip where she's saying it's feminism to do sex work. It's feminism for whatever. It's interesting she chose LeBron James. She's like, and I'm glad blacks aren't making as much.

Wait, what happened? What did she say? Can I explain the back story? Well, yeah, I think Devin forgot because I already explained it. No, I know you were saying, but you didn't say LeBron before. She was a tattoo. She started a thing called Only Philanthropy after the fires of last year, the LA fires. And she didn't show titty.

She didn't show nipples. She, like, shared some light boudoir photos for money. And she's like, and then she was in an interview being like, the top only fans created made more money than LeBron James last year. That's feminism. Yeah, it's interesting. She shows a black guy. Very interesting.

Right. She's like, we're still, we're still breaking you, bitch. you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah yeah interesting she chose a black guy what if I'm the guy that misinterprets it in the crowd I'm like woo fuck blacks you're like

you're big feminist because you're racist yeah and she goes for whites yeah she goes what and you go also by the way you do not show nipple in the in the photos and I think that was I'd like to take my money back I gave for the fires

because I did not see nip I guess feminism to her is there's a lot of sad guys who will pay money to jack off a lot she's just but that's empowering to women apparently for a lot of women feminism is just being angry with no moral actual thought behind it whatsoever yeah i mean wasn't she like an improv girl yeah you see b you know i mean like you see these simprov what simprov because when i'm around here i'm yes anding oh yeah but um to suck on your toes on Honestly, she lost a little weight

and I didn't like the dimensions. Devin, thank you so much. Did you see those red carpet picks? I wanted to say that, but I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I'm beating off to a dead horse at this point. Jace, live your truth, buddy. I hated it. She looked better when she was a little,

she had a little more. Every woman on her should be 15 pounds over a little more. I saw that and I thought that red carpet could be a little bit more red and it would be if I was there because I'm pissed off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The blood would run. That red carpet will be red

with the blood of her security. Because I'm killing them, John Wick style, as I'm running on all fours to her. Spinning a banally shotgun. Did you ever hear John's... John Knoff's... What?

John's joke. What the funniest things he ever said to me? Because he was applying to be on naked. afraid for a while. I do remember that. You know when they land on naked afraid helicopters dropped them off and they eventually meet each other from a distance?

And John's whole plan was when he got there and he finally sees the woman. He was going to sprint at her full speed. Like the T2? Like the T-2? She's like, ha, ha!

It's the funniest I have heard. He's a violent. He's a violent psycho. Like, he gets through the whole audition process. They think he's like normal and he lands on the island. He's just chasing her. Hunting a woman.

Ball, ball slapping against his thighs, hurting the shit out of him. His balls are like bloody and like, popped by the end. That's so, I'm going to fear. Oh, fuck.

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So I always have to shift shifts out of ad mode. Let's go on a rant about feminism. Okay. Fuck them. Feminists. Fucking. Devinfeminism rant. Dot EXE.

No, I don't got anything, dude. I don't even care. No, put them in their place, dude. No, man, listen, I have a dog now that has a period and shit. I understand their play. It's fucking insane. You are actually becoming woke of your dog's pussy. It's also like the most beautiful analogy.

because it's like... A dog bleeding. In my mind, I'm like... I'm such a... I guess a piece of shit. I'm like, they're dogs. Well, you also... You were educating me, apparently.

A dog gets a period like a day on Venus or something. A dog gets a three-week period like every four months or something. Yeah, her period's like... I think it's... Yeah, it's not every once a month. Yeah.

And then... All right, at least I hope it's not once a month. Jesus Christ, what a nightmare it's been. But it's actually a night. of the bad, but her pussy's huge. It's huge. She's been really passive and aggressive with the mailman. She's been fucking yelling at me to clean the sink and all sorts of weird shit.

She keeps fucking, you know. She had a dream about you walking another dog. You know, apparently I was supposed to bring home tartar sauce last night. And I don't remember her ever telling me to bring home tartar sauce, but she's really angry about that. Sure, sure. You know, I might have to keep the creamer. It was out on the counter too long this morning and she got upset about that.

Every time I fuck her, my dick is all full of blood. It's disgusting. This is like a blood ring around my cock after I fuck my dog. Yeah, your dick looks like one of those rocket pops from the ice cream truck. All the colors around it. But also her pussy's really big, you said. No, her pussy's huge. Your pussy's huge.

I wipe it up every day, constantly wiping her giant fucking clit. I kind of got an idea. Why don't you put her on a skateboard with a bedrock? Do you wash you like a black guy shining shoes in an airport? You're popping the rag on it. And she pulls the paper out and treats me like shit. You go, good day today, boss. She goes, just shine the shoes.

Shine the shoes. Don't talk to me. Just shine the pussy. You're popping the rag on it. I kind of don't get it. Couldn't you just squeeze the pussy and get all the blood out at once? I literally had a thought last night where I was like, this thing is huge because it's full of blood, right?

Can I milk it? Like it's a pimple? Like, can I get rid of the blood at once? Because it just keeps dripping throughout the week. You put a bucket under there, like a milk bugger for a cow, and you sit there and you pull on the pussy. It's been fine. It's actually been kind of interesting watching, like, her attitude change a little bit. She's, like, much more cuddly and, like, less aggressive for her.

Yeah, she got gentler. She's more gentle. Yeah. But, uh, no, I mean, just, it just reminded me of the old days of, like, you know, dealing with a fucking, with an actual animal. I'm talking about a woman. who I do not respect. Talking about women when they're on their fucking period and they use it as a big excuse to be the worst person alive.

You're right? He's right. You don't just get to say I'm on my period. Now I'm a demon. Yeah, now all thoughts about my actions and their consequences go out the window. Luckily, when I was with Ida, somehow I timed, like, every time her, like, for whatever reason, any time she was leaving town, it was always right as her period started, which was great.

like a Don Draper in Mad Men. When a woman's on their period, you should genuinely, like, legally be able to just throw them on, like, public transit for, like, a week. And they should have to just sleep on the subway, like a homeless guy, like in the winter. Yeah. I'm not kidding.

Yeah, put them in a tent. It's not okay. They have, there's actually a point where they use it as an excuse to just be a piece of shit. You're right. And you have to, I think there's always ultimately a big argument where you have to go, like, you can't, just keep using this as an excuse.

You have to, like, you have to start fighting through your hormones and realize that you're on your period. And you don't get to treat me this way. And they just... Because it will end things. But they just go, you have to be nice to me because I'm on my period.

Yeah. And you don't go, but you don't go, like, I'm feeling really horny today, so I don't respect consent at all. If you don't have sex with me. Exactly. You have to rise above your animalistic urges.

I don't bust into the bathroom going, like, my balls are fucking filled to the brim. Let's go You have to be nice to me As you grab the back of her head Yeah That doesn't happen They get it though

I mean What are you guys Ladies' periods like? I don't know I get the hell out of there Yeah Yeah I sleep in Ben's garage

He doesn't know I'd leave a lot Oh my God I'd sit in my car And listen to Anthony Camilla Complain about his divorce I like 4 a.m. Yeah

drinking Yeah You've got a wet bar In your car You've got a big half globe. The glove box is a bar. No, I generally just, we have a good system. We just stay the hell away from each other for like two days.

It actually works very well. There's a thing about relationships where you're like, you think you have to work through everything? No. There's some things just weighed out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's fine. You don't have to solve at all. Because a period's not reality to me, really.

Yes, exactly. You're not even, you're a wacky. You are not, your feet are not planted on earth right now. Women are also so bad at having periods that they forget that their period is coming. You know more about their period schedule than they do. Yes. Yes. I always, there would be something would happen where I'd be like, well, that's the most insane thing I've ever heard anyone be angry at me about. And I go, oh, it's that.

Yeah. You were just very mean to me while crying. Your pussy's about to exploit. Yeah. And guaranteed an hour later. It's like, I have a fucking nightmare. God, God bless him. I have so much empathy.

It's really bad. So much empathy. So much sympathy. But at the same time, truly. Fuck off. Get it together. Get it together. A little bit.

You don't get to use it. Ben, what is it like after they have kids? Is it a little different? The period? Periods, yeah. No, it's the same. I mean, I never had a problem with my wife in the period. Well, yeah, but Katie's also just like.

She's a Texas. You got a Texas wife. It's different. Yeah, I never. It's like having a salamander in a big jar. I actually wouldn't know the period thing if it wasn't for the jokes about it. I, like, I've never noticed a difference. Really?

Yeah. Damn. Really? Yeah, I really Good for you, man The only change in my wife's personality Is when she's been Hit in the bottle

Sounds like you're in paradise No, she turns into like I'd love to deal with a drunk over a No She turns into like George Jones When she's when she's drunk I tend to hide

When the bottle comes out I go in the vent And I start crawling through it I think your wife's got a problem As you chugger Jameson bottle He's got a huge price you clank on bottles on the floor. What's interesting is every... As you chug at James and a bottle that's been collecting dust in the corner.

Katie's an alcoholic. So my most... You got a vimo your dad rent, by the way. What are you talking about? I was just kidding. It's just every time you have the big bottle, we were making the joke on the last episode that you keep finding bottles of liquor

and then, like, as you're chugging them, you're vimmoing your dad, the mortgage. I was just doing a callback last week. Okay, got you. Yeah, yeah. You should attack him back right now. So my most... It's true.

It's true. I think Ben's just annoyed that he has the Venmo money to him. To my dad. He hates that because he has no respect for my father. And he thinks he's a fucking... Says it a lot. He brings it up a lot. It's a 50 square foot room.

I could set up a fight between you two. I'd love to see that. Schedule it. Oh, yeah. On a Google account? I'd love to see it. Are you kidding? I could out faggot your dad, like, no one's business.

That will, kidding me. You and my dad would get along really well, actually. I love him. Because my dad would love to hear you talk about how you're getting really into, like, building wood shit. Cubs. Cubs. My dad's, like, literally you. You would be like, I'm getting into building cubes, and your dad would be, like, in 86, I got really into spheres.

I was a sphere guy for, like, a year. It was crazy. You guys really are similar. I never put that together. They actually kind of are. Ben just makes, like, Ben's just more mom. Ben's just more modern. It makes way better decisions. Yeah. Ben is like, your dad is like if Ben took a shot before he made every major life decision.

But actually, have you met my dad? I've met your dad one time. Like here and there, maybe? Not really, right? One time I met your dad. Yeah. I went to open mic once and they were like, Devon's dad is over there. He's been staring at a beer for six hours. It was like the men who stare at goats. He was looking at a very, he was looking at a very, he was looking at a beer. and heating it up with his mind. He talks, he asks about every beer on the menu,

and he orders after about, like, 40 minutes. It takes him a long time to finally figure out what he wants. He treats it like it's fish. It's real, everything's a really serious thing. Your dad's a very serious man. But you'd really get along with my dad, actually, now that I think about, it's weird. Of course, I'm a moron.

Well, no, you would talk to him about, like, books and shit. Like, he, like, loves. He's very similar to you. Retart stuff like books and stuff. I would get it. Retar. Retard stuff like books. That is retard stuff, though.

You guys would be best friends, I think, actually. The only time I met your dad, he was wearing an insane pair of sunglasses for some reason. My dad wears the Wild Wild West sunglasses. He's like steampunk. He literally wears steampunk sunglasses. He looked like Doc Brown, and I was introducing myself. I don't know where he got them from. But you'd also, like, you just get a kick out of him, dead.

Him just my dad telling you about, like, how he just, he met the guy that invented fucking the camera. He met a guy that invented, he met Steve Jobs the other day. Yeah. He's hanging out with Steve Jobs at coffee. And it's a homeless cat in a trash can. My dad, my dad, my dad, apparently met the guy that invented the iPhone. And the guy has the fucking better call sold, the Chuck disease where he has to wear like aluminum foil and he lives in a motel sex.

He can't be around. He's allergic to electricity. Because he's allergic to electricity and Apple stole the iPhone idea from him. And he completely believed it. And your dad's tell you this story laying on his back eating like a head of cabbage like an apple. The last time I saw my dad, I forgot to even bring it up to you guys because it makes me so fucking. and it makes all my cells die in my body, and it makes me really sad, everything he says things like this.

Sure. I have to move on from her really quickly, or else I think about like how insanely gullible and ridiculous he is. Sure. He goes, he was talking really casually about a guy he met, a friend of his, and he goes, and he goes, he goes, Devin, he goes,

and this guy, he says, he, the spirit of David Bowie is living inside of him. Wait, what? Yeah. That's insane. Really? Yes, and he said it sincerely. He goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he

He goes, David Bowie's spirit is living inside of him. Not as like speaking metaphorically. I mean, no, he was saying like, this is his journey, and that's what this man is going through right now.

David Bowie's spirits living inside of him. My dad doesn't go like, this guy's fucking nuts. I'm not going to hang out with a guy that says things like this. My dad goes, I respect your journey, and I know that you're Bowie.

I guess you're Bowie. Your dad's kind of an anthropologist for homeless people. He goes, the spirit of David Bowie is living inside of my friend. And my dad's just like, and that's just, you know, this, that's this my buddy. Yeah. And then you just go, well, anyway, so I put the new, yeah. I literally, I didn't

bring it up once. I acted like he said nothing. You just go, I just put a new door in on the outside. I go, so anyway, the gate is fixed. I paid a guy to fix the gate. My new friend, he never helped her, Skelter. He goes, he goes, Devin, the son of Sam. I've been hanging out with a man. Text Watson.

He's got this hot chick with him. Squeaky Fromm. I'm really into her. That's squeaky. That's squeaky for you. Anyway, we've been hanging out at Maru and Los Velas. Drinking $9 matches.

Me and the Manson family. They took me to a ranch recently, Devin, called Spawn Ranch. It was awesome. The Cowboys, man. There's an old dying man. They were open, right? Yeeha!

Devin, there's an old dying man at Spawn Ranch. I sleep in bed with him. This is actually, I'm sorry. to keep going on this. No, please. You guys just reminded me that he literally said that about a friend of,

he said, he said, he was talking, he said he knows a guy, what some new friend of his now, who's David Bowie. He's hanging out with the guy that says he's the spirit, has the spirit of David Bowie. But it's also,

he doesn't just say, like, the spirit of David Bowie lives inside of him and he's like all nuts and, like, living off of that. Yeah. He says it like, it's begrudgingly. He's like, the fucking spirit of David Bowie lives inside of me.

And he's like, he's like commiserated him. dad about it like it's just it's a nightmare being me being me a host for the spirits of legends it's fucking crazy yeah new dad's like the story like the spirit of baby boy goes time and I got to get him to the recording studio so it's like a whole fucking thing and then my dad's like Devin you know I mean the guy like he needs he needs some help he needs some money I mean David Bowie is running his life Devin he's trying to get in contact with a mom

Devin I mean can you give me 500 bucks so I could give it to the spirit of David He needs makeup to become Ziggy. He needs Ziggy makeup. Then he gets angry and he goes, Devin, it's Ziggy's Thor dust. Devin, there's spiders from Mars and they are attacking him. I just saw Paris, Texas, with a man embodying the spirit of David Bowie at the New Art. He doesn't have the money to pay for his ticket. Can you Venmo me?

Devin, it's a moon age daydream. Devin. There's life on Mars. Devin, we can't have another rock and roll suicide on our hands here. Come on, I'm taking care of all the pretty things. And he's a young American. He's taking me to his black star where he'll kill me, Devin.

He said it, guys. He said it so quickly. And I was just like, right. So anyway, I just move right on. Like you're about to go like again? Yes. I couldn't, it killed me to hear. It's brutal.

So I couldn't, I couldn't ask a follow-up. I was just like, I don't want to hear any more about that. I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to hear any more about that. You're roped doping your family at this point. I get it. I told it. I told I get it.

It's, fuck, I'm Cassius Clay. My mom was in town and we were joking upstairs that she, she stopped making up lives about my dad not visiting. She just like, turned to me. She's like, your dad wanted to be here, I think, but he didn't. She stopped making up excuses. Your mom was like, well, your dad said he's really happy to not be. here.

But she's forgotten how to even lie about it at this point. Your dad didn't tell me even to make up a thing for him not being here. And I go, oh, good, good, good, good, good, good. Anyway.

Yeah, I told mom the thing dad texting me about blacks moving to Lilfield and that's why everyone left. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I said that on the show. She goes, you did? Why did you say that about your father? I'm like, relax, mom.

They all think it kicks ass. They think he's the coolest guy of all the time. They think he's based. Actually, Dad should start a Patreon. He thinks Dad should go to patreon.com and create an account. He's immediately beating us. Yeah, you just see clips of our dad like Flint says.

He's just like, can a N-in get a cheeseburger? Fucking fan cams of our dad sang in. He's selling Wang Half merch. Yeah, but, you know, this... Did I interrupt? You bet. Now, why did they call it the hard ar if it's so easy to say? If it feels so smooth on my ears.

Nothing hard about that. Can a hard arc get a cheeseburger? That's as hard as that limestone rock out there in West Texas. That caliche. That dusty old caliche. That French word calich. The ends run through my fingers like that caliche dust. Blowing across the...

Dad's like Cormick McCarthy. But like racist. He's like, and I said the end, and it was a good end, and it lasted in the air for a long time. And the boy heard it, and he cried because he was black. This is like weird, weird, like street poetry. Yeah, yeah. You're spitting right now. And Meridian.

But. The evening darkness in the West. Yeah, Mom was, and then Mom was like, by the way, when you came home, Jayce kicked you. I was like, what? And I made her clarify, she kicked the thing. She's trying to start shit. I think she's trying to so disqual. I think she's trying to sew discord.

I think that's her thing. I was going to say a thing to Devin if I forget what it was. I'm sorry, buddy. It doesn't matter. Your thing was hilarious. I just, I didn't know. There's no interrupting on the show.

I forgot that I had been sitting on that for a month, and I think I had been pushing it away from ever bringing it up. But I remember, I remember taking note of it and being like the only thing this is worth is saying on Levin Bardo. Yeah. There's some memories of your parents that they're kind of like, you know, how like, bullets will, like, push out of somebody after 20 years.

Like, they have to, like, kind of digest and get, forced out of your body. And that's the crazy thing as well. When he says it he's talking about a guy but he says it like it's like a charming thing. Yeah. And even that somebody that somebody that he knows is telling him and I'm like, why are you not like telling

me like this fucking idiot? Like it's never like this fucking idiot. It's like open to the idea of that. It drives me nuts. Even if the guy was there as he was telling the story, he'd be like, hey dude no, no, no, I'm crazy. Come on. I don't It's fine. I'm nuts. Right, just stop.

But the fact that I have to like entertain, like, that I'm supposed to like entertain, I'm like, of course. Of course. Very good. Very good. It's literally like, it's like when you are around like a, like a grandparent or something and they have a new arm brace and you just pretend that doesn't exist the whole time you're talking to them. Because they've, right. Because if you ask you, what happened? They go, I lean on a chair a little too hard and now my entire hand is black.

And you go, I don't want to think about it. I love you. I don't want to think about it. think about that at all. Yeah, exactly. That hurts my bones a lot to think about. It's too much. It's too much. Yeah. I love you so much. This hurts me. I don't want to think about it. Yeah.

Very good. You all right, Ben? Yeah. I got about three hours of sleep last night, and I didn't have dinner yet, but I'm not going to door dash a big burrito during the recording. You're going to dooredash two big burritos. Yeah. You're going to double barrel them. You, Edward

Forreys a burrito. A great burrito to doodash is Sonora, then. Sonora? I don't know I've ever had Sonora Town. It sounds very Mexican. I like it. Sonoratown's a great little chain out here. They should invent suppositories that you can shove up your ass that you can digest. If you don't have time to eat, you can just shove 800 calories up your ass and it takes two hours to...

That's bullshit. Even when I'm rushing, I enjoy even rushing food in my mouth. Even the taste of salt in my cheek. Exactly. I was driving up here. I was a little late and I had a burrito and I was getting my steering wheel all greasy and I still loved it. Was it really fat? It was very fat. I had to unhinge my jaw, shove this burrito down. And I was getting my entire car covered in grease.

I love it. Looking at my watch, my watch, and I'm getting it greasy and covered in fat and shit. I love how much Jace is in a watch is. Before we went to Habachi with my daughter, because she loves Abachi, Jace, like, unfurled this, like, big suitcase, and he was like, z-bz-bz, and he was changing the band on his watch to fit the habachi trip. This is how much, this is how much of a retard I've become. I've, I've, I was. like, well, I'm coming up Saturday to see my mom. If I order this watch, it's going to get to San Diego on Saturday. So I ordered the watch. And I had to text Ben's wife and be like, can you set the watch aside for me?

And then when I got there and saw Ben's kids, who loved me, by the way, they adore me. And I'm hanging out with my mom. And Jay's got her a watch, too. I got her a watch as well. Yeah. I got her a Rolex. I got her 10 grand. As I'm hanging out with all them, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

started a mental timer where I'm like, I cannot, I cannot open that box for two hours. And I look like a complete psychopath. Two hours I can go into the other room and then. Then you can go open it. I go. Yeah, I guess I forgot. I forgot. I didn't even realize it was over there.

Yeah. I wasn't scrambling around for five minutes looking for it. Yeah. I didn't want to ask where it was. Yeah. And then he changed the band before we went to a different color. I brought a toolkit and everything. What was the thinking behind changing the band?

I'm just trying to get into the mind of a watch guy because I don't really get it. So I was trying to make the. make the metal bracelet smaller. I realized I did not have the exact right tools to do that. So I took a leather strap that was on a different band, on a different watch. I put it on that so I could wear it this week. No, that's a sneako.

That's a, a, a siko. That's correct. Nice. Yeah. You don't have a watch band, do you? I don't. No, I have one. You have on Amazon for like 15 bucks.

You have the same watches. You have the same watch as Mark Norman. I told you about it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think, but I did not buy it. Katie got it for me for my birthday. You got a timex. I believe T-80, which is the same watchmark Norman.

Yeah. But I'm just too lazy to put it on in the morning. And then all day, I'm like, what time is it? Where's my phone? What's good? We just don't. Like, and then the, the shit on your appliances work, the times. The times on my shit never works.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Who cares? Don't tell me. You just look outside and see if there's still alive. I go off moss on a rock. That's how I do it.

That is the funniest part about owning a watch. I'll just be like in bed looking at like, you know, donkeys getting exploited. by trains for an hour and I go, ah, it's 8.50. I should see how much time I've wasted. I go, another hour of my life. Thank God for this watch to make it worse. The sands of time. Wow, okay, so that much of my life just flew by.

I should buy a watch that just says you've wasted at all. Every time I look at it, I go, very good. It's like a new banksy probably. Yeah, you've wasted it all. No, I mean, with kids, you're constantly like plotting an hour out. So you're like always making up a game plan. Like for 15 minutes, keep letting the play. We'll run the bath early.

Make it a little steamy in there because they're a little congested. You then go get their pajamas from put those into the dryer. Like we're like trying to choreograph a hole. I know. Trying to stick a landing. That is the fun part about being an uncle now is they've reached the stage with kids where I go over and like literally his wife can just throw a baby at me for eight minutes and go like, take a shit. Yeah. And just be like, thank God, I've been trying to shit for two days.

Dude, that's one of the hardest things with kids is you have to. shit and you go, I can't shit. I literally can't shit. Really? Unless you hold, you have to hold two kids and take a shit. I take a big dump right in front of them in the living room. You take it on the floor? Yeah, I take it right on the floor

right in front of them. As they play. When I stare at them and I go look at it. You go look at it. You go, look at this. Look at that shit. This is because you two can't be left alone. So you clean. I go, I go, I'm a mama bear. And I'm not leaving you, but you have to watch

this. By the way, if you did this on the floor, belt. I get you with the belt. I go belt to ass. I think a guy excited about a big run in a playoff game. I go belt to ass. No, I mean,

time only exists for me, like, based on like, I'm like, well, the re-release of the Revenant starts at 3.30, and at the AMC, it means it's like four. So, I'm going to get there a little early, and I'm going to go to Kabuki and get their happy hour. I know. You've always seen I'm always like, I'm excited to see The Odyssey.

Like, yeah, I just saw it. It doesn't come out to Christmas. Dude, I don't know. All I know is, like, you just go on the AMC app and, like, these things come out. You saw The Odyssey? No, no, no. I was at the AMC the other day. But, like, shit comes out much earlier than you think.

Yeah. People go, like, that movie's coming out, like, later this month. And I'm like, I'll just go on AMC. I'm like, there's some special bullshit. You always get it right now. I was at the AMC watching Anaconda because my girlfriend was on a period. I wanted to get away from her. And they were playing at McGuffins.

the School of Rock could just start on the little TV at McGuffins. I wish you were there with me so bad. Oh, that's awesome. So that we didn't even go into the movie. We just watched School of Rock on Sireland. If there's ever a re-release of School of Rock, I'm not kidding. I'm going to show up in like a kilt and fucking a private school uniform. That's my favorite

movie. That movie makes me so happy. I know. Have you gotten your, your kids aren't old enough yet. Hold on. You wait for me. To show him school of Rock? Because I haven't done that much for your kids. I kind of feel like a fucking deadbeat. But, you know, I got, I got your daughter like a driving thing. I bought her like a car.

It was for my son. An actual car. No, it was for your daughter. No, you give it to my boy and he was the one, he plays with it all the time. Well, he plays with it now, because I probably timed it out wrong and I didn't, you know, I have no clue what age your kids are. You get him a toy that's completely wrong. I'm like, I'm like, what are you guys? Sixteen? Here's a Camry. You throw the keys at his daughter and it hits her in the face. I go, here, sweetheart. She goes, she goes, drive Kai?

You go, yeah, get in there. You're out of your daughter. See, this is what the Goyam is. She was driving a thing. This is the Goyam thing of like, I'll show. Your fucking son wasn't even old enough to move his hands at the time. He was holding twinkies. It's the Goy beam ride of passage.

It's, you know, I'm going to show you the Jack Black Goy Slop when they're ready. And it'll be the big. The Jack Black, that's what you think, School of Rock is. Well, that's a you. Jack Black Goy Slop. Is that what you call School of Rock? This is the birthright of the Goyam. I rock.

School of Goy Slop is what you call it. It's the, this. is the right of passage. It's the birthright really for Goyim. Is when are you going to get Goybimed? And are you going to get properly Goybemed? You're upset that you're inherently a Goy. You're self-hating Goy.

You've always been a Goy. You'll never escape Goydum. Yeah, Devin's at least a muzzie. At least I got some other shit working with me. How about Larry David Lucas? Okay. Have we done that bit? Larry David Lugo.

It's a curb stomp your enthusiasm. He kicks Leon Blackout. out of his house. There's no sick season because he won't let the blacks live of them. He rapes, Vicky Fox.

What did you do the other day? Oh, David, David, Joiner Lucas. David Joyner Lucas. Because we were talking about Dave Blunt,

where he's like, should I say it in bleep it or just not say it? He has a new song where he goes, I'm not a F slur, I'm an hard arsler, I'm a,

moon... Cricket slur. Yeah, we said it separately. Yeah, there. I'm not an F slur. I'm a hard R slur. You called them David Joyner Lucas,

which I thought was... Yeah. David Joyner Lucas on the mic. But then you had some good ones after that. I called him Vince Stomachles. Andre's 3,000 pounds. Yeah, of course. Instead of big crid, I called him big shit.

Yep. And then I said, in words with apnea. Yeah. And words with apnea is my favorite. one actually. Yeah, that was, that one was pretty good. Earl sweat skirt. Squirt. Did we do that? Yeah, Earl doesn't sweat shirt. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Earl wears a sweatshirt because he's fat and wants to cover up his body. Earl sweatshirt in the pool. Yeah. That would be another level of fat. If you're fat guy in a fool, the sweats, the, the, the, the sweats suit that the nutty professor wears when he's

taking a break. You're in the pool. You're in the pool and you're still doing this as you're in the pool. sweatshirt. Yeah, underwater. Underwater, yeah. You're just like, because you're wearing a Dolphins going to call you a fat faggot. So you're pulling your sweatshirt in the pool out like that. Were you ever, uh, I think we'll go to the Patreon now, Patreon.com,

so I was a living party, but I want to talk to you. Real quick, I want to talk you about being a fat kid in the pool. Sure. And Devon, you too. Worst nightmare. Now we're in the patron. Worst nightmare. Of course. Um, yeah. My time.

My chine. Don't you like my chime, mine. Y'allin'n't you're mine and I'm popping off the time. Mine. And my Jacob is so fruited. Call me Gucci mine. No you call me Gucci Gucci. My chain.

My chain. Don't you like my chain, mind? Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain mind. And my Jacob is so fruited. Call me Gucci mine. No, you call me Gucci, Gucci. I came to the club just to fuck my chain line. Catch another charge and I'm going to the chain gang.

Oh, I think I'm icing. Oh, I think I'm icing. Sold a hundred-doubt in baloney sex and white screen Don't you see how bright it is? City girls and country girls be telling me how tight it is These girls they be choosing Diamants be so squarkily they think my chain was moving My chain is out the chain

Stack the miso mind and bunching off and ball the chain Check the way my chain hang Gutsa out on gang bang all I do is chains My chain My chine, don't you like my chine mind, young Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the chint mine. And my Jacob is so fruited, call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci. My chine, my chine, don't you like my chine, mine. Young Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the chine, mine.

And my Jacob, it's so fruited, call me Gucci, mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci, you be shy. Gucci, you be shyding, man. Don't turn me on home. Tell me who you're diamond man My girlfriend acting My different just because I got this chain Haders get your hater on When they see them yellow stones

holl and at you later on My chain hang to my shoe's crank Like my watching wine But I know you love my chain My chain hang to my dingaline I do my dog dice it Your daughter Gucci mine I got that stupid mind and so I bought a stupid

My chain, my chain, don't you like my chine mine? Y'all goochie mine and I'm popping off the chine mine. And my check a bit so fruited, call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci. My chine, my chine, don't you like my chine mine? You're uncoochoochoo mine and I'm popping off the chine mine. And my Jacob is so fruited, call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci. My first chain I had to rob for it. Yellow diamond sitting all in it

I'm on some slick brick shit 2006 Mr. T Diamond's so bright Ain't a way you can't see the G Look I don't dance I just lean with it My piece is sick Gary Robert trying to leave with it I got that New York fitted on full suit dicky on Gucci link chain blue stones in a nigger charm Now watch me do it do it with no hands

Traps when he crane on that bezel and that band Cause I'm the man I'm the man. Got no wife, but my chain got my girlfriend. My chain, my chain, don't you like my chine, mine. Yung Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the chain, mine. And my Jake a bit so fruited, call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci Gucci.

My chine, my chine, don't you like my chine, mine. Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chine, mine. And my check a bit so fruited, call me Gucci, mine. No, you call me Gucci, Gucci, mine. Shit.