lemonparty - 180: Tongue-tied

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

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Someone just tweeted this at me. I'm so happy you guys introduced me to this family. They fucking rule. What family is this? These guys, they think they're working out because they found this thing that spins. This looks like, you know the scene in the road when he finds the people in the basement that they've been eating? This is what I imagine in my head. Yeah, Vigo Morterson goes down the stairs.

He sees that guy and he screams. They just tell him it's like a pizza. roller and that's why he works out. Daddy, look, I'm like a hot dog at 7-Eleven. I'm rolling the dough extra good. I'm making biscuits like the cat. That's my work at, Daddy. Do you remember the kids?

The mom stops at the trash. She goes, go get into trash. They're like hunting dogs. Oh, yeah, they're dumpster divers. Yeah. She goes, go, go get. And they get a set, and then they run. And they dive in the dumpster and bring back.

They're bloodhounds for ketchup. They're bleeding hounds. They're bleeding hounds. They're bleeding. They're bleeding house. Yeah, the prisoner starts tracking them. Just from

drops of shit and piss everywhere. So this Go get that snicker boy. When they were dumped her one day. Look at her. It's the guy with glasses from her brother where I thought, but he's hanging

a Snickers bar from a tree. So good. That's the perfect shot of My mentions are great right now. I don't check Twitter unless I go on the computer. Is that a real fat person right there in that image? This one right here, yeah. They should kill themselves.

This should be on Ben's 1099, just this picture. He sends to the IRS. Him just going fascinating. Fascinating. Yeah, it was a real lady. I streamed for like eight hours yesterday. Is that ball, can you go back to the picture? I'm sorry, of course.

Is that ball that looks like the surface of Mars? Is that her leg or her stomach or her pussy? I'm a little confused on that. So, that's her leg, her, her, please. It could be a big pussy lip.

Well, it's a swollen leg. It's a swollen leg. Apparently at some point, and I only found this out yesterday, their skin stretches to a point where it starts to tear open, and they get big holes in their leg,

and it starts to look like a beehive of some kind. Where you get so fat, it's a new type of physics applies. It's a honeycomb. Yeah, it's like quantum physics. The fat starts trying to escape your body. It turns into dark. matter. You actually start to weigh less because it's negative energy. So then you have to clean

the holes in between the folds that are opening up. Yeah, they have to like do surgery on them. They lost from the Civil War days. They're like opening old textbooks from 1850. They're like, how do we cauterize a cannonball wound? People like this, people so fat like this, I'd like to, they should be their punishment. They should, because they should have a punishment, obviously. Of course, besides what they've done to themselves, there should be a punishment. Of course. They should, you should be able to like, be like, listen, well, you're fat. and I've heard this whole thing, like when I'm with my fat friends,

they're not that cold when it's a cold night, we're going to take you to the Arctic. And you leave them on an iceberg, and you go, let's see if they outlast the temperature. Because you're so fat, I want to see how this works. They might cook off like butter in a hot skillet, but it's cold. I feel like they would melt through because they're just hot.

Right. They're just a hot, fat. It's just a shit. It just is what it is. They melt so much ice, Florida is underwater. Look at this person. Even if you, even if you... Oh, that guy? Yeah, I watched this guy too.

I love this guy. Oh, my God. So do you see the folds? That was his asshole. So see the folds here? Oh my God, they didn't even censor his asshole out. I can't operate. That's nuts.

Sean's weight reached an astonishing over 900 pounds. That's his butt? So those are the holes that are ripping in his skin. That's not an asshole. No. No, they censor out his dick. See, his dick here is blurred out. That's fine.

If I took him out of the oven, I would put him back in. for another 10 minutes. I'd be like, this bread is not done. Yes. If you stick a toothpick in him, it comes out wet. He's not ready yet.

Yeah, that's nuts. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, not healthy. No, I think that's bad. He's not healthy, that man. Yeah, when he's, he's too fat for his bed sheet. He's out fat at his sheets. Can I?

You're bigger than the sheets. Yeah, you go to the big and tall store. You go, what is your fat as sheets? What are the chances you get this back, you get this guy to go back to normal, and then he's like worth a shit. His life is worth more than $1. Like, what are the chances that you hire a whole team

to lift them up and to airlift him to the hospital all the time and to come back and all the work, and you change all the doors in the house to look like, you know, like the Kool-Aid man lives there. Sure. Hoppet house. And then, but then eventually you get him to lose weight. What are the chances that?

that he matters even after all that. I think zero. Probably zero, right? Because there's skinny people that don't matter at all. Yeah, yeah. So it's not like this guy loses all the way, and then he becomes president of the United States. Yeah.

So like, you know, unless he's really intelligent. Well, also, the- The thing with these guys is they're kind of, I don't want to say doomed, but even if he lost all the wage, which would take him probably six to seven years at a healthy rate, like two pounds a week, 900 pounds, do the math on that. He would have so much excess skin, he would need about, like, probably 10 to 20 surgeries just to get back to a place where he could move around.

Right. He would look like you, he would look like balls fell out of the sack and just hung there. That would be his body. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He couldn't do anything. Yeah. He's beautiful.

He's beautiful. Look how he lays there, too. It's great. He's in, it's bliss. You see two Indians sneaking up in the planes behind him. They think he's a buffalo. Now, how do we feel about a lot of these guys, their lives are, being radically changed. I mean, all of our lives are changing. Just overnight right now. I mean,

sure. A war. I mean, everybody's world's being turned upside down. Meanwhile, SNAP benefits that does not apply now to products that have a certain amount of sugar in them. It's now been reduced to a certain amount. I've heard that. I've heard that. And people are saying this is what I voted for, apparently. You can't get Mountain Dew with SNAP anymore. They're saying this is what I voted for, and then they go to the gas station exchange. A gold. gold brick for half a tank. A big gold brick from Babylonian times. They have a safe.

You have to drill into. They haul a golden calf out of the back of their Toyota Tundra. And they go, can I get a half tank on five? They go, only a quarter, sorry. Can't do a half. They go, that's what I voted for right there. Pim Bondi's out.

We're winning the resistance a little bit. I heard she wouldn't let Trump fucker kids. That's why he fired her. I heard she was begging on her knees. He's like, please. Yelling. She had them chained up. She goes, take them.

They give hand jobs. Don't fire me. My kids will suck you dead. Take them. Kill them. And he goes, sorry, I already fucked all of them. And they sucked. Their pussy stunk.

I got a lot of friends that are trying to leave the country. Oh, that's gay. And I'll go to like estate sales. And people are like, yep, we're selling the house. We're moving to Australia or something. Really? Yeah. But Australia, those guys can't, the prime minister can't fucking

sleep. They're all, they're all, because everyone's terrified. Yeah. Every day the news is like every world leader says he had a horrible night. This isn't from the Australian PM. I'm a scared of. Literally. I saw like the British, what is it called the British guy? Prime Minister.

He was just like, I'm, I don't know. A lot of shit going on. I'm terrified. I'm running. What do you think I should do? I recommend everyone run. Can I say as an American, every time I hear the word prime minister, I think about Prime Rib.

Yeah. Every time. Same. I associate Prime Minister with food. Same. You've been ordering the Prime Minister at Lowry's Steakhouse for years. When I hear Buckingham Palace, I think about ham. And Buckees.

And Buckees. You go, Buckees has ham now. My wife, book me a one-way ticket. Book me, I'm going to own 9-11 a Buckees. Me and Devin went to Buckingham Palace, and we thought it was a cheesecake factory. We were trying to get seated. It did. And we were like, well, anyone.

Can we get on the list or something? We went to Buckingham, I thought it was a claim jumper. I actually asked one of the guys with the wacky hats. I go, where do I put my name down? You're reading the Magnacardi. You go, this menu is huge. I don't know what to order. And it's so old and stinky.

I mean, we're in the Vatican. We're like, they have their own Americana here. This is incredible. Yeah, you see. I go, where's the troll. Where's the fountain? You see the Pope's hat. You think it's an in and out.

You're like, that's made out of paper? We're looking, we're in the Vatican. Me and Devin are like, do you guys have an AMC in this one? I got some Lulu lemons and lease the Tesla at the Vatican. Where do I? Do you guys have an app I can scan or something at the Vatican? Yeah. I mean, everything should have a ball inside of it at this point.

A mall inside of it? Yeah, why not? Yeah, why not? They essentially do. Every place does. The missiles they bomb Iran with should have the McDonald's inside of it. like it's an airport There should be

Yeah, there's this own world Inside the missile Inside the missile is a black mom Working out of McDonald's Who's really mean If they want Americans to get behind this They should put the McDonald's logo On the side of the fighter jets

Yeah Like different They should make the fighter jets Into the McDonald's M Oh, I do like that Yeah, it just looks like the McDonald's in Because the M's could be wings The archers could be wings

Exactly So does it fly like the M is upright Like this and it flies It falls out of the sky and explodes and it costs $40 million. But it kind of looks like the way you would draw Seagull in the distance. Yeah, if you're a shitty kid artist, those are our new planes. And they cost $40 million and they explode immediately.

They're not clandestine at all. They're bright yellow. No, they're bright yellow. They actually cannot be lost on radar, even if you try. You can find them on a CB radio. Yeah. And they blow up immediately, and they cost $40 million. And they're like, we're just going to keep making them.

Fuck you. We just, don't worry to pay for the world. we just ended the saving Children Act. Yeah. The teach children how to read Act no more. Trump's like, don't worry, we're still powering the thing

and then he's shoveling children into a furnace with a big shovel. Like it's a... No, I'm making money. There's a plan. Yeah. There's a plan. He's doing a little Statue of Liberty thing right now.

What do you think, Ben? You afraid to have kids in this plan? Afraid to have kids. I'm not... Listen, man. like that some bullshit to put in my stupid fucking mouth fear will what did bob rottella say fear fear or he said failure never uh would you shut up they say this is like this is a is this also your gandolph is golf psychologist bob rotella uh i'm blob rothella yeah

I'm a big faggot. I'm a 400-pound guy who's trying to play golf. I'm a very fat. I look like the guy from office space who dies of a heart attack. Yeah. But I try to help Phil Mickelson. Deeper and deeper. Get better at making three-footers. You're looking for your stapler to staple your stomach. God damn it. No, Bob Rottelli, he said in the Rory McElroy documentary. Yeah. Rory at Augusta. He said, uh, failing.

never hurt, you know, never killed anyone, but he goes, but he said fear and, uh, uh, fear, you know, fucking, fuck, it was so brilliant the way he said it. Failure, failure has killed people. No, I think, many, many times actually. Many people have been broken by failure. Most deaths occur to failure, actually, failure to drive well. Well, so, like, if you're a sports guy, like, you are going to miss puts. You're going to miss shots, right?

But failure never really stopped anybody, but fear, like, kills careers. Like, you live in fear. That's true. If you're consumed with fear, it's way worse than failure. The idea of being obsessed with the failure is way worse than the failure. The failure is not a big deal at all. Basketball players miss shots. You know, players lose championships.

Right. You know, people forget quotes on podcast. Yeah, Michael Jordan. You're failing right now. I'm failing right now. And it's not stopping me at all. But I'm not afraid. Exactly.

You're never afraid to fail. We're not afraid to fail. So people say, are you afraid to raise children in this world? And no, I'm not. You shouldn't. I'm not afraid of anything. Because you don't know what's going to happen. I heard that Pete HECS said God told us to kill those goat fuckers over there.

And I said, well, if we have... have the Lord on our side, then surely we cannot lose this war. Yeah. Yeah. God was talking to Pete Hexeth and God was hiccuping and burping and burping. We got burbs and goes, we got blood those goat fuckers fucking head off. I'm fucking God. I love the idea of liberating someone

by killing them. Yeah. Yeah. We have to liberate them by sending them back to the Stone Age. We're liberating their blood from their bodies. We're bringing peace to the Middle East. This is, Devin, they were going to live horrible lives. We have to send them back. We're taking them. Listen,

they were gonna, it's easier to live in rubble. Because the rubble kind of actually, it's like an easy blanket. You pull the rocks up at the end of the night. All the rocks that used to be your home, you pull them up over your knees, and it's kind of warm. It feels like a, like a, you know, like a blanket.

Yeah, you take your mom's severed hands that are laying next to your head, and you put them. Like a blanket. Yes. Like a pillow. Exactly. Exactly.

Two stack severed brown hands. and those are your... And look at the opportunity. You see rubble. I don't see rubble. I see a pair of dice that you can pick up and you put marks on the side of them. And you go, you know, you get the dice.

You turn to your family. They're dead. And you go, you're going to babysit those dice. You're going to shoot inward. You know? And now you have a game going. People are getting out of the... Maybe some people wake up in the rubble.

They have a coma. They don't know who they are. They start playing dice with you. Yeah. Exactly. Now everybody on the block, they forgot. Oh, yeah. That everybody's dead.

Everyone on the block. And you're playing there. We're all throwing dice over the scorpion fight. We're all scorpion fighting now. The leaders are scorpion now. A bunch of Arab guys who've been bombed so much they think they're black now. And they've got scorpion on chains. The pit bull chains like that's their neck.

It's so funny that it's like, here's what I understand. It's a country of like 90 million people. It's one of the oldest civilizations. they're white and people on Twitter keep being like bomb those goat fuckers they're goat fuckers they're they're inbred apparently they're inbreds that fuck each other and like fuck farm animals and they're brown by the wasn't the vice president like getting high off his grandmother's like opioid farts like isn't that I don't know the fucker there's some shit movie on Netflix that I turned on for like 20 minutes about

his fag life and isn't he like aren't they like West Virginia like shitheads Yeah, he was, he's getting high of his, his mom's chank. Aren't they, like, more embarrassing than these people? Anyway, I don't know. Yeah. Well, Devin. I went too crazy last week. I can't, I'm not one to speak.

You know, people said I was, I was nuts. You were a little unhinged. I don't remember the second episode, folks. I think you were great. Real quick, I want to apologize for the second episode. First episode I was fine with, I think. Second episode, I didn't remember. I think you're always great.

I didn't remember doing the second episode. Mm-hmm. I came back from the wedding. I actually, I started drinking because I wouldn't have been able to do the show. Yep. I couldn't speak. Jace came over and I couldn't speak to him. Jase was like saying things to me.

I was like, I was clapping at Devon like he was deaf. Yeah. And I understand folks that second up, the Patreon. I was a long-winded bozo. I did not know what I was saying. I don't remember it. Don't remember doing it.

And apparently people said I said the N-word on the public episode. Which was not true. And then I listened to it. Not true. Hold on, listen real quick. I listened to it. Okay.

It sounds like I said it. But then I said it. But I, but I, so I told, so Connor actually goes, I go, yeah, people are saying I said the N word on the public. And Connor goes, it did sound like you said a little bit. And I go, hey, let me go listen to this. And I go, yeah, sounds pretty bad. And then I go, and then I said to Connor, I go, well, we were doing like a Negro riff and I got tongue tied. And I got tongue tied.

And then I, all week, I've been laughing about me making a public statement where I apologize for it. And I go, I go, I go, guys, I got tongue tied in a Negro riff. Guys, glass, glass houses. We've all been doing Negro. You accidentally say it again. I go, guys, we were doing a Negro riff. I think I was saying, negra. I got tongue tied.

That's what I hate about the word is it's too close to the slur. It's too close. It's sick. It's a trick. It's a trick. That's what we were... Can't even say black in Spanish. It's sick.

I won't even order a medella just for that reason. I don't even do it. Yeah. I'll take the Modello black. Fuck you. You're going to cancel me? One. Fuck you.

Fuck you. But we were being woke in the bit because it was I said I saw a restaurant called seafood Negro and we said it shouldn't be called seafood Negro. No, I know. I know. Because accidents like this happened. And I got tongue tied in a Negro rip. Mesh.

MASHCP brings me out. I go, listen. I go, oh my God, Beverly, you are great. Hold on. Monique, relax. Calm down. Calm down. Jamal.

Settle down. Al Sharpton behind you, shaking his head. I got tongue-tied in a Negro riff. Anyway, my energy is going to go say some bullshit real quick. Maya! Get out of here. There's nothing wrong with diving into a Negro riff. It's totally fine.

No, I didn't mind that. It was an honest mistake. I was on the tail end of my drinking. We've all been down that road of saying that word. Tongued in a Negro riff. There's nothing wrong with it because historically, we talk about the history of baseball all the time. this room.

Yeah. Negro leagues. The Negro leagues. Of course. I mean, that's how they called. That's how they used to say it. And we got to fucking be accurate. And when Ben's talking about Jackie Robinson, he's going to call him the first

Negro baseball player. Because that's accurate. That's accurate. That's what they called him. It's just what they called him. It's just what they called him. Anyway, anyway. Look, hey, if you hate me so much, look, all them lists, I'll fly a jet over there.

I'll turn it around, go to Israel and drop a bomb. What do you get? I'd love to do a 9-11 in Tel Aviv with my own plane. They won't even like you. do that the bombs are programmed not to explode in your cock? Couldn't I fly an American jet into

do they have a 9-11 thing over there I could do? Well they would all get the phone call that's the problem. 9-11 thing where? Could I do 9-11 in Israel? If I signed up to fight for America could I turn the jet around from I'm like I'm going to go through the

Shrader removes, fuck it. It's like glory where I'm like Matthew Broderick. I'm like I love the Jews. I'm going to do it. American flag and I get on the jet, I start flying through the straight-of-renews, and then I just I book it back around. I go right towards Israel. You'd be swatted by the dome. Also, you can't do 9-11-I-I-I-I-I-R-I-L that's like, fucking, are you kidding me? You know shit where you eat. That's redundant. Yeah, it's a tiny hat on a tiny hat. They know all too well about that. Yeah, it's true. Tiny hat on a hat. Yeah, you can't lie to the devil is what you're saying.

Exactly. That's their move. Yeah, you're going to paint the devil. I've seen these videos. I've played video games. I'm pretty sure if I was in a fighter jet, I could dodge those things that try to follow them. Yeah. You know, when the rockets following. Anti-aircraft missiles?

I could dodge that shit. Yeah, yeah. Easy. I do also love the idea of you fully passed the Air Force exam wearing those sunglasses everywhere. We're in big bug Coke bottle. You look like a spider flying a jet. Centrical force?

Centrifical force. I don't know. what it means. Go on, I said it properly. You can use it to open your Mexican coax if you hit the right, uh... So centrifugal force is like tornado? Exactly. It's like fucking...

Yeah, it's inertia. Top gun, Tomprew shit. Spinny. That's me teaching a class after I explained my Negro riff being tongue-tied. Just like Robert. I know, centrival force is like a fucking tornado or something. And if you get, if you hit too many Gs, you might get tongue-tied on a negro rink. You might get tongue-tied on a negro riff.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to do nine of a little bit. happen in Israel. Can I say tongue-tied-in-a-negrove sounds like a Tom Waits song. It does. A beautiful Tom Waits. Big in Japan, and then the second song is tongue-tied on a Negro riff.

Well, I would... Tongued on a Negro riff in Philly last night. Little lady won't talk to me no more. Tung-tied in a Negro riff. No, they're like... I would fly it into something, though. If I just turn around, I fly it into Quentin Tarantino's apartment. I fly it into like his two-bedroom condo.

You hit his giant forehead. Yeah, his forehead. I just knocked the pin out of his hand. His forehead is so big. You hit it halfway up and then it falls down like 9-11. And he's, he doesn't see it coming because he's too busy watching Eagle Eye with Shia LeBuff calling at a master pace. Eagle Eye! What a fool! Does he actually like that movie?

I'm sure he thinks it's one of the best movies of all time. I'm sure. 2009? Who knows? Eight. 2008. It goes, the best movies of all time? Unstoppable.

Okay. Disturbia. Okay. Best movies outside and sound? My top ten movies. Blank check. Lucky the Irish. Okay.

The episode of Sister Sister where they find weed in their room. Smart house. Brink. Smart guy. These are the top movies. Fuck Truffo. I'm a genius. I'm a man of the people and a genius, and I love Israel.

No, it's fucked up, man. You know, this fucking Israel shit's bad. It's fucking, I feel bad for them. We're not doing Zionists anymore. I don't want to do this shit. We're down with the Zionists. I don't want to do this shit. No, we're going to Iran.

We're going to go fight for them. Let's join. Fuck it. So real quick. Because this is about freedom. Can you go to Rosanne, to Randy Quaid's Twitter? Of course. Randy Quaid.

It's my home page. Randy Quaid, by the way, Randy Quaid has been being, he's He's thought he's been being hunted by Starwackers for like the last decade. Like, he's been on the run with his wife because he thinks there's a Hollywood mafia after him trying to kill him. Since 2016. Yeah. So I guess he thinks like it's kind of like, I guess they're, he threw them off his scent. Uh-huh.

And now he's hanging out with Roseanne and they're taking all these pictures. Is this the thing you wanted me to pull up? Yeah, yeah. Pull up that picture. I can't. And they did back and forth. Like, then Randy Quaid put his ass on Roseanne. Okay.

But like, just, it's just the best. What is that video? He's he, then he did it with Roseanne. He's like, look, I'm getting butt-fucked by Roseanne. Can you play this video? Oh, that's an old one. Time ratings have completely collapsed. Weekend daytime.

So I think he was an early Trump guy, and they were posting about how he lost his mind, and he was just doing videos like this to troll the news and stuff. It seems like a genius to me. But what is that thing that head shit that like Rosanne's wearing where like white, like Jewish women put on to like look ethnic and like mystical? I think she puts that on to call people the N-word.

They put that. To call them a monkey. Why do Israeli women look like they're undergoing chemo? Why is that their ethnicity? That's the closest they can get to Brown. I'm, I have chemo. I'm ethnic. I'm undergoing chemo. I have no eyebrows.

I'm basically a Muslim. You they act like they're fortune tellers. so they're dressed like them. Yeah. It's probably at this point keeping her brain in for all we know. Her school is probably cracked

in like nine places. So are people mad at you into this? A little bit. Yeah, one guy was really angry. Yeah, Tony Scott's pissed. Oh, here we go. Nice.

Tony Scott's really angry. POV, your dog shit comedian who has failed to any of a tip to gain notoriety. Yeah. Nice. So you pivot to blame the world's problems on his real.

But then I went to his page I'm like, this guy's like following me. Like you're like, like, you like been following me. You're like a follower. You're sad slash pathetic and broke his shit. And then Bunny Colvin, God bless you, Bunny Colvin.

Bunny Colvin came in hard. Did a money roll on him. And then Tony Scant said he actually, yeah, and I make $100 billion. Wow. But then I went to his page and it's all, yeah, he's just retweeting culture war horseshit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this guy's completely wasted his life.

No, it's okay, man. It's fine. It's fine. I know you're in a bad place. You're in such a bad mental place you're being gay for Israel online. Yeah, for free. Oh, actually, maybe not for free. because the, you know, Israel does have this whole online task force when they tweet it people.

But he's got so few followers, it's like $7 a month. It's not even worth it. Yeah, people were mad at Devon now, actually. A lot of people were really like, God, you guys, can you stop? Can you, like, be funny and not talk about this? No. And I'm like, I mean, I thought that was a funny joke. I wasn't like, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, like, tweet that joke out, like, all self-righteously. You're being political. They both looked like old boomer settlers, like having like weird upside-down pineapple sex in front of a dying Palestinian baby.

Speaking of boomer settlers, Jake from Bidea O Time texting me, context for the audience. I love Jake. I talk to Jake every day. Send you some of the best show we've ever covered on the podcast. Yeah, so he told me that he just drove past a billboard in Austin. So Yellowstone has scratchoffs now. Yellowstone

The TV show The TV show You can buy a scratch off With like Billy Bob Thorin's face on it Has lottery tickets That says fuck trans people on it And you can scratch it with a little penny Yeah

It's a lottery It's a lottery ticket Nobody ever wins But you scratch off the square And it says people don't want to work hard anymore You go God Fucking damn right And then you

You scratch off another one And it's just ridden out The banda-down-down-down Down-down I'm going to see if I find it online. Taylor Sheridan's new show, My Horse Died because of Fagg. Holy shit.

Yellowstone Scratch tickets. It's a real thing. It's a TV show Scratcher. Incredible. Yeah. Over 25 million in total prizes for this game. Oh, they got a commercial for them. They have a commercial for the...

You to find it. Yeah, can you go back to the... There we go. Luck is wild. Untamed. And sometimes the journey to find it takes you to unexpected places. Stake your claim today with the new Yellowstone scratch ticket from the Texas lottery. Play today.

The Texas Lottery. The Yellowstone. Yellowstone isn't even in Texas. The Yellowstone Lottery. If you're a white trash piece of shit that wants to be a redskin. Oh. Do you want to live like the savages in the residence? Is your...

Listen. Listen, fuck you. Did your daughter not talk to you anymore because her boyfriend's bisexual? And you called him a faggot at Thanksgiving. Get the Yellowstone lottery ticket. Every square you scratch off just says You're right about everything. Has improv comedy ruined your ranch?

Oh, let me guess. Your daughter moved out and joined UCB. Let me guess. Yes, AOC ruined your oil reserve. Oh my, your son-in-law wears glasses. Go get the Yellowstone lottery ticket. Let me guess faggot. The Yellowstone lottery for white people that want to...

For white people that are the same as savages. Listen, do you not know. you're poor because you're white. Get the Yellowstone lottery ticket. That's very good. It's got to be connected to the TV show, right? Yeah, yeah, it is. It said Sutton or Sutton Ranch.

Oh, that's the ranch. So that is the, okay, but I guess Billy Bob said you can't put my face on it, maybe. Well, Billy Bob's not in Yellowstone. He's in Landman. He's a Landman. Oh, shit. What is Yellowstone? Yellowstone's with Kevin Cosner.

It was with Kevin Costner. He left because he's woke now, apparently. Right, the Kevin Costner one was at the end, and he gave the land back to the Native Americans, and people said it was woke garbage or something. I guess, I think at the end of the show, they hated it. The fans didn't like it because at the end, Kevin Cosher was like, actually, I'm gay.

At the very, any tip-y-cap. Last season, like, final episode, Kevin Cosher was like, actually, I'm a trans, non-binary. The last 15 seconds of the show, he comes out with his dick tucked and taped. into his ass. I apologize. I identify as a cow.

The land's going to the Shagataw people. Fuck you. He looks in the camera. Fuck you. If you've been watching this religiously for six years on an iPad and an F-150, suck my fucking dog. Suck my dick. This is,

he's a jerky guy. This is Thundercats for retards. You play action figures with made-up people, you fucking dumbass. I'm gay now. I'm Kevin Koster I'm fucking gay now I think I heard that everyone hated the last season of Yellowstone That shit eats though

Lemon, Yellowstone And The Ranch on Netflix That shit eats bro The ranch Is that a Taylor Sheridan joint The Ranch? Didn't that have Danny Masterson on it But then he raped the world

And they had to fire him I think I think it did The ranch did have the earth Accused him of race He literally did like the same crimes as Christopher Columbus When he landed in the Caribbean

Yeah, he was accused of rape. He, like, caught women's hands off. Yeah, a rattlesnick accused him of rape. He shoved the rattle up as a dickhole. There was like, there was rattlesnakes crying on the stand. Yeah. Can you identify the man who, um, who raped you? Yeah.

That's good, bed. That's a good rattle. I got to make noises all day. I entertain my kids. Mm-hmm. So then you're saying, Mr. Masterson fingered you while you were pinned against It's the closet door. Then he told you, if you tell anyone, I'll turn you into boots, faggot.

You have to pull your dog away from the stand. Your dog's barking at something behind the stand. There's constantly a guy walking a dog that tries to attack. Yeah, there's always a guy walking a dog through. the court. That's going, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa. Hey, relax. Dude, do we ever tell Devin that we would go to Sweetwater?

Sweet water? Out by Big Spring, we'd go to Sweetwater, and there was the rattlesnake roundup once a year, and mom would drive us out there, and we would get in a big, like, warehouse, and there was a giant pit with rattlesnakes, and everyone would be sitting around, and they'd be like, yeah, yeah. Woo! They're getting out of it. People weren't, like, playing fiddles.

Yeah, they're like, who needs TV when you got? the rattlesnakes. By the way, we're also surrounded... Kanye, fuck him. Fuck music. Listen to them play. Who needs a Marriacs band? Oh, the hell needs that bainer shit when we got the rattlesnakes.

She had the pit. It was a big pit. People are like doing the butchata. Who needs to Maraca? I got a rap. Fun Rosalia. Give a shit. I got a diamond back, faggy.

There's a fella at the roundup. He'll play two rattlesnakes like spoons. And he'll sing all Maria. I love to look at an audiophile in the West. That's like Frank Zappa to him. You're like, get a whoo. It's just snakes slithering over each other. He's watching YouTube sets that say Rattlesnake Midland, 1997.

It's like a fish concert. He's like, when they did the Midland Permian Basin Desert Classic, that third hour, woo, boy. Do you remember it, Jason? Of course I remember the Rattlesnake. Do you remember the guy who got in the bathtub with all the snakes? That was the big, that was the showstopper, because most of the, for what I remember, most of the Rous Snake Roundup was you just walk around and then they,

there'd be like a rattle from a rattlesnake. He'd be like, yep, that's it. Yeah. But the big show they did was there was a guy who would get in a big glass bathtub. Sounds like a very sexual act now looking back. And he would cover himself in live rattlesnakes. Resort of people love rattlesnakes because they're like, I like it because the reptile treats me like a baby. Do they have a snake that jingos keys?

Is there a pacifier snake somewhere? Where's the milk snake? Do they? Come on. Do they have a coconut snake? Somebody put something in my mouth and take me to bed. I'm so tired. Is there a reptile out here that could take me to bed?

Is there a mama snake? Because I'm scared in a little cold. And it's my nap town. Dude, I thought it was cool, but we would stand around like, Remember in like Tony Hawk's on your ground how NPCs would stand and they would go Oh yeah yeah yeah And they would just be in one place

And if they were in a crowd watching people skate We would just stand around a bunch of snakes And like do that And they wouldn't even like The snakes are literally like the stars of the town Oh my light went out of that The snakes in a trailer smoking a cigarette Like ready to go on

Yeah the snake Like thunderous applause and the snake goes off stage And it's like give me out of this fucking poe dunk piece of shit. God damn it. Water moccas and likes to think about its entire life before he plays.

The wrong serpent died. That's a snake in black. If you had one hiss, one hiss to hiss to let God know that you met business. What you thought

of your time on earth. How would you warn a person walking around? to your ditch. One hiss. If you had one... It's so funny. Did you treat a rattlesnake like he's like Elvis Wesley or something? If you were lying dead because a fat 12-year-old hit you with a seven-iron on a golf course.

And you had one hiss to let God know. There's something... I remember one of my friends who looked like... We were like the giant fat twins of the middle school. He killed us a rattlesnake with a seven iron on his golf course. He beat it to death. then you later got brain cancer and died it was actually incredibly tragic one of the sad things i've ever seen in my life jesus but i don't remember that at all yeah yeah i won't

you guys ever go rattlesnake hunting i want rattlesnake hunting one time do you really in california uh no in uh in arizona like outside of tucson i had a i had a family that lived in the middle of nowhere in uh outside of tucson like by like no gales and you were a little cowboy obsessed. And I was a cowboy obsessed. Yeah, so like my, not my blood uncle, but like my cousin's dad, like, he would,

uh, he was a big like, like, uh, cowboy, um, wannabe. Uh-huh. They like ended up moving to like Tombstone. Sure. Which is very funny to like live in a place where you're like alarm clock is like a

reenactor being like, there's a snake in my boot. Um, because Tombstone has like never ending like reenactments going. It's kind of like Knottesbury Farm or the West Town is. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, he would take me, like, rattlesnake hunting. And all we did was just, we would just drive around, like, dirt roads in a truck

and then see a rattlesnake in the middle of the road. He'd, like, pick it up and then, like, shoot it in the head. Throw it up, like, a silver dollar. You guys would kill, like, casino. Beat it to death with bats. Exactly, yeah. The rats would say we're crying over it because his brother. We killed its brother right in front of him.

Damn, we're going to kill his brother thirst, while we're going to kill his brother thirst while we We make your watch. Check this. Would he make the skin into boots or vests? No, I'm kidding. I don't even know if we actually killed him, but he would just, like, he would like hold them up and I hated snakes. So I'd just be like, yeah, if I can.

Would he hold it up with his hands and everything? No, he had like a claw thing. Like the old people have to like grab shit off the counter. Yeah, big metal. He would grab it. Do you fuck with bugs or spiders? No, I hate them all. Like, I've told you before that if I, like, was president, like, I would overhaul, like,

every sector and, like, even the military, like, everybody would. would be working to like kill all reptiles. I don't like reptiles. And bugs. And bugs. And bugs. No, not bugs. But, like, I'd kill all snakes. And then, like, people would be coming to me. Like, I'd be like, Trump. They'd be like, sir, there's like tsunamis and, like, the whole world's, like, and, like, the moon is getting closer because you keep killing all. Like, it was fucking up the ecosystem. I'd be like, I don't care. They're gross. We're killing them all. You'd be like snake hitler, is what you're saying. They make me afraid. I don't like them. There'd be a bunch of snakes in a camp and striped pajamas. If I think, if I think about a snake, I kick.

I kick. Like, I'm not kidding. There's been nights where I'm, like, watching. Like, I can't even, I put on, I put on Anaconda with the new remake where Jack Black, it's supposed to be funny. Uh-huh. It took me a little bit to even put that on. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. It was better than I thought. Yeah. But it still sucked. He kicked, though. It ruled and he kicked ass and take that back.

I got to say, I did enjoy it. I did enjoy it. The second best film I saw last year. Yeah, you've seen, but you mostly saw... Yeah, Eddington. Yeah, Eddington, then the Jack Black, Anaconda, the remade. And then the movie was Sidney's Sweetie's. Then the movie was Sidney's Titts.

Yeah. Those are the three words you saw. Yeah. Yeah. Her left tit is third. I hear you. I had a fun time. I don't think it was a good movie, but I did have a fun time watching it.

It was better than I thought. Yeah. But it ruled. Jack Black kicks ass. He's amazing. But even that movie, I was, like, happy that they didn't show the snake that much. I don't even like CGI snakes. I hate it.

Like, I kick, I kick in the air. I go like, get the fuck out of here. They're demonic, biblically evil creatures. That might be some childhood trauma for you with your uncle. I was almost bit by a rattlesnake when I was a child. Really? Yeah. My mom, my mom, blobs.

No, not with him. That's why I went hunting with him because I was like, I thought we were going to kill these things. Right. Anyway, the ads. Ricky. Hey, guys. If you like nicotine, you'll love Lucy. Like the show.

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Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Thank you, Lucy. And then now I just have to tell you guys that we have dates. Everybody's favorite part of a podcast is when they plug their dates. We are going to be in Austin on Tuesday, April the 28th, at the Creek in the Cave. And then on Friday, May 1st, we're going to be in Houston, Texas at the Secret Group. Tickets are available for all shows at living and party. Life. Just click on the live and shows tab at,

Lemon Party. Dot Life. See us live. Thank you. Good night and good luck. I almost stepped in a rattlesnake like a den. Where?

Yeah, in Arizona. Like, true grit shit? Like, you fell into a rattlesite. Like, genuinely, like, I was, my mom wanted to go look at this, like, old roadside attraction, this, like, beaten up, like, abandoned cabin. And I was with, like, my cousin and my mom. And we walked down this road,

and then we walked across this little, like, a little greenery, but like dead wood. Like a lot of dead wood was there and I stepped and I remember my cousin yelling like, rattlesnake. And I looked down and there was a bunch of little pieces of shit. A bunch of little slid. A bunch of little rattlesnakes. A bunch of baby rattlesnakes and a mama rattlesnake.

And I turned immediately and luckily they didn't jump and I just ran because I was so young I thought they were like chasing me. I thought they were like flying or slithering after me. That is where you get bit though. And it was absolutely terrifying. Yeah. And from that thing on, I've hated snakes so much. It's a good thing you didn't get big because your dad would probably screw it up.

And instead of sucking, he would blow the venom deeper into your body. Oh, yeah. Instead of sucking it out. 100%. Yeah. 100%. He'd suck out the venom and then spin it into my mouth. Blow it up your veins.

Yeah. Like it's a balloon. He'd put it into a syringe and then inject me with it. It could be some sort of homosexuality thing in your subconscious, some sort of fact. some sort of phallic back. No, I don't think so, Ben. They're penises and they represent, like, the male sexuality and stuff, right? Well, sure.

Maybe it represents the animal, actually. Maybe I'm so straight. I hate snakes that much. You don't hate snakes because you're homeless. No, you don't hate them because you're accepting of a snake cock. Snakes in water are pretty scary. I've had snakes chase me when I've been fishing off of dogs. Snakes and water are actually very terrible.

That's terrifying. They're so fast, too. Yeah, they move right. But. They shouldn't be around. They don't make any sense. They're biblically evil. Well, maybe in...

You were in water and a snake chased you? Well, I was fishing and it came up to me because I was fishing and was like, get out of here. Yeah, water moccasins. Yeah, water moccasins. Yeah, we had to watch out for water moccasins all the other. They're insanely deadly. And coral snakes, red on yellow, kalez afello, red on black.

Fuck black. Fuck black people. Yeah, yeah. Red or black. Red people take their land. Black people put them into slavery. Yeah, yeah. Something like that.

There was like a red, black, yellow one I would see, too. There were a lot of snakes in the white in the water. And they would, they didn't take kindly to whites. They didn't like Wyatt's fishing on the dock. In Texas, you had water moccas and in the water? They would come at you sometimes. I remember them wiggling their little bodies back and forth. What would you guys do?

They would get up close to you and be like, be really aggressive. What would you guys do? I dropped my poem, Ron. I'd freak out. Well, you're on the shore? Because I'm like, dude, has a snake looked at you? and you're like, holy, it's looking at me and it's coming up to me and it's trying to tell me

to get away. They always say they're more afraid of you than... No, no, no, no. It was like the snake was like, you motherfucker and like came at you. It's when a homeless guy like he's crazy, but then he turns to need... And you're not even in the water. You're on the shore fishing. Or on the dog or dog. And they're

coming up to you. Yeah, it will come up on and fuck with you. And this is in shit-assed Texas, not like some savage land. Possum Kingdom Lake, yeah, in Texas. Water moccasus. This was actually on the golf course. I was fishing and dad was playing golf. Why don't you think he was. the water.

Are they in Lake Travis and shit? Like when people, like all those people in Austin, like they're in the lakes and shit, like there's water markers out there? I don't know. I'm assuming. Yeah, people get bit. Dude. That's insane.

People get bit by snakes. But water moccasins, I think, are not poisonous. Am I wrong about that? No, they're poisonous. They're poisonous. Okay, never mind. Very, very poisonous. Very dangerous.

I think Cottonmouth is another term for water moccasers. I think it's a term for water moccasins. I believe. Yeah, a lot of racist connotations with snakes, actually. Conmouth. red, yellow, black. A lot of shit going on. Yeah.

I hate him, man. I hate him. But that would be my first thing as president. I'd kill all snakes and then people would be coming. You know, my team would be like, well, there's, you know, like, there was a tsunami in, like, in Thailand that killed like a million people. I'd be like, I don't care. We're killing all snakes. You go, don't worry about it.

I just ended snap benefits for sure. We're literally killing all snakes. We're supporting Israel. We're killing all snakes. I will say this. That's your two positions. I go, we support Israel. I'm killing all snakes.

and all insects as well. Bugs. Bugs are annoying. Ice is running around blowing bugs heads off. Kill all bugs. Yeah. You see an ice agent putting a bee in handcuffs and slamming it against a great.

And then also, I'd also overhaul like every aspect of the government and to work on trying to find a cure for hangovers. To make drinking not bad. Oh, you would have the Project X presidency. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, listen, the people would come to me,

like, sir, like, you know, we're weak on the eastern front. I'm like, I don't care. No one's going to attack us if everyone can drink. No one, if no one has a hangover, we're fine. Everybody would so appreciative. Everyone would love this. So, like, that's the two things I'd do. Kill all snakes and we'd end hangovers.

Your VP, Burke Kreischer. 100%. Diffin's in the old office listening to swimming pools. Yeah, just smack. You're hammered listening to Macbiller. Kendrick. Yeah, the cut to, oh, sorry, I think of swimming circles.

The McVill album. Isn't the swimming pools where he's like, hold up? Drake. Yeah. Stand up. Drag. Yeah. Just imagine you doing the emergency broccoli.

Like, they cut from every channel. It's just you hammered behind the desk. It's me drunk. And I'm going like, we just got the last water moccasin on earth. And then it's 45 minutes of you just go like, sometimes it's all they want to hear. And then I go, and how about that? This is me giving a stay of the union. It's on every.

channel and how about this and some people are saying in a couple weeks i won't feel bad in the morning it just cheers across the nation i bring in some scientists i go what do you say what are you going to do holding a gun to his head we're putting milk thistle in all the water how about that faggots i say that to the country and go how about that faggots i don't care that some of you are allergic i don't really care get your own water And by the way, that thing, that whole thing that happened in Indonesia where the moon got too close because there was a lack of snakes and their whole country was destroyed. Who gives a shit? Because snakes are creepy.

Who even knows an Indonesian person? No one's ever met an Indonesian guy. They're just a different type of Asian. Just enjoy Chinese food. Pandexpress. Get Pandexpress. And by the way, I think in a couple weeks when I wake up, I won't feel bad. How about that?

Fagot country? It'd be the same as right now. He might as well address the country as faggots. Trump might as well when he gives speeches, he might as well go, my fellow faggots. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Burn and hell.

You ain't going to do shit. I don't care. You couldn't get your flight. I hope you die. I hope TSA shoots you in the head. That dork you tried to get to kill me? He missed. You can't do shit.

I'm going to kill your grandma. Fuck you. Corn's going to cost 80 bucks soon. Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't even like corn. Fags. I'm the president.

He goes, anyway, we've got Malia Obama here. I'm going to kill her live on air. I'm going to kill Barack's daughter right now. So if I was on your team, I would bring up this point. What would you say? So rats kind of suck ass. Oh, all rats would be dead too. And then people go, yeah, there's all these bugs that are prevalent because rats eat these bugs or something, right?

Oh, interesting. Something like that. No, I've already thought about it. So then some idiot like you would come up to me. But I'm like, well, sir, we can't kill all the rats because they eat the bugs. And I go, we'll kill all the bugs too. Do you have to be two bugs? I'd go kill rats, bugs, snakes.

What do rats eat? Now they eat bugs. They eat bugs. I've never seen a variety of bugs. And then the scientists would come to you. He goes, well, the hawks and the birds have nothing to eat because the rats are gone. I go, I don't fuck hawks too. I don't even see them.

Kill hawks. Rats eat like they drink milk and they eat cheese. Rats drink milk? Yeah, they'll eat like, have you used the pizza rat? You're a fucking, you're a fucking pervert. Have you seen the viral video where they eat a piece of pizza? I don't fire you like Pam Bondi. That was, that was a massod intelligence.

That was not real. No, they eat like pepperoni and stuff. No, that was so. They eat garbage and shit. I go, so yeah, we don't need them because they eat our garbage. It gives us shit. Yeah. So we're going to kill all rats.

So one thing I did read is that if we stopped killing rats and doing pest control in cities within a few months, the cities would be completely unlivable. Like you would open the door to any building and it would be flooded with rats. Right. So we need to kill them. So whenever people like save a mouse or a rat, it's like you're an asshole. No, no, no, no. You should cut its hat off with a pair of scissors.

Let's copy. If we were gone, rats would apparently run shit. Other than like the ecosystem and like the earth and like science and shit. Like they should all be gone. What's the biggest animal you would kill if you were present? Oh, Jason, we could do ads too. The largest. Hold on.

Hold on. The biggest animal. Do you want me? I can do ads and then you can come back with. The largest animal. I'd go, I'd go, we're gonna get, uh. The largest animal, so you mean make extinct? Yeah, to make extinct, but you just blow its brains out.

I mean, the biggest you go. What would you say, Ben? You're like, fuck whales. I'd let you. I'd let you in on this. Okay, so I'm kind of upset about, I'd let you in. So land snakes, it's already kind of upset to me because I think they're cute. No, no, no.

They're done. They're done. By the way, at this point, they're all done. Not a single snake on Earth. But don't you like those big yellow guys that the black guys have on Venice Beach? There's always a black guy and he has a big yellow snake. I hate those the most. And by the way, they're done.

Those black guys of Venice, they're gone. I go, and none of those, none of those fucking, those show off assholes on Britney Spears' neck. Mm-hmm. At the, at the VMAs. You're gone.

I go, and none of those scumbags. They're so cute. No, they're not. I want to kiss them. They'll fucking wrap around you in a heartmate. Even a garden snake, I'd put a garden snake in a pinnini press and kill it. I'd press it.

I'd kill it on a George Forman grill. I don't care. And I like little snakes. I like when they wiggle out of eggs. No. They're like the closest thing we have to like dragons and stuff They put my fucking dragons I point a gun at the egg

And right when it cracks out for the first time I'd blow the egg in half Camano dragons kick ass Snakes kick ass No, Camato dragons Oh actually that's what I'd kill next Is Comodo dragons Cometon dragons yeah

The biggest, the biggest beast I'd go and every Camano dragon on earth is going They're disgusting and weird I hate the way that they look in videos Okay so that's the biggest you would kill I fucking hate them I would love actually you know a manatee I would shoot that in the head.

I would execute a manatee. I would treat manatees like immigrants. I'd be like they're lazy. They're fucking retarded, lazy scumbags. You know what's funny? They're so innocent that you could literally hold a like a 357 snub nose in the water and the manatee would just float up to it.

Ooh! And they just... They also, don't they have like a hole to put your gun? Yeah, they do. They have like a hole. Ryan, that's what's for. Yeah. It's, please kill me.

Any sea animal with a hole. I go, it's from my gun, and I shoot into it. Whales, dolphins. And by the way, by the way, once again, like, I have the entire, I have every, like, every sector of the country working with me. Yes, this is, yes. Welfare. Every single, like, like, no one's doing anything for the people of the country.

It's all, we're all killing bugs. We're killing rats, snakes. There's a, there's a, come out of a dragon. A single pothole is not getting repaired until every bug and manatee is dead. And honestly, I think I'd be looked at, like, a little less bad than somebody that, like, cared about fucking, like, the Vietnamese. Sure. Or like Mexicans.

I think this is like more humane, actually. I think you're right. All we do is treat humans, bub. Oh, we do is treat humans like fucking, like fucking bugs. That's right, Devin. But I'm killing the actual bugs. Maybe we're the bugs. Maybe we get rid of, by the way, you kill all these bugs.

No one in Oaxaca has a snack anymore. Try to eat you chocolate cricket now, freak. No more, no more chips. you, Africa. By the way, stop smelling it, stop spelling it like that. It sucks. Why is it a O? Why is it a O? It's called Wahaka. It should be a W

and an A and an H. And an A and a W and a K and A. It's W A-H-A-C-K-A. It should look like Wahaka. And by the way, all of Mexico is a senior frogs now. And exactly. And also that. Also, all of Mexico's are calaveras now, because they have pretty good food for being

for being a club-themed Mexican restaurant. And I've seen them popping up recently all over the country and they're pretty good. Of course. I had it last night and I like it. Anything else, sir? And then you just, you know what? You start to get, like, people are just like, don't even fight back anymore. And you start, you go like, you know, we're getting every giraffe on earth.

And also, yeah, it would turn into that. I go, I don't know. They're fucking, what do they do? It would just keep going. You climb a ladder and shoot a giraffe in the head and then watch its whole neck fall down. down. You go, what? Fuck him. What? I hate him. You don't even have reasons. He's pompous. He has heads in the clouds. You guys are fucking bozo. Oh, he thinks he's better than me. He thinks he's better than us. He thinks he's thinking up there while we're all down there. Fuck him. Right, folks?

Yeah, you're, uh, you're just chopping elephants in half with a big game team. Elephants are the only, actually the only, the only beast I keep. Yeah. I love an elephant. They are majestic. I'd have weird things like that. I'd be like, like, elephants are great. elephants like they like give funerals to the dead I go look at this I shoot one I go look at them get a funeral everyone come look look at how much they care about me

shooting this stupid thing and then you draw you shoot at the elephant's fly you're like dance I call it a monkey I got dance monkey to an elephant the most ignorant piece

that ruins the world but through like the ecosystem it would rock Kevin no one ever thinks about that like I would rather if Trump was just like like killing bugs and shit. Like ruining the ecosystem as opposed to like hurting people. I would outlaw like a lot of instruments that suck ass.

Like I would be like no more flutes. Hmm. Interesting. You know, stuff like that that kind of just like shit. I would say like only professionals can play guitar. Like you have to like go to like the DMV and get like a license to make guitar. Only why people can have dreadlocks from now on.

Yes. I just think it's funny when they have them. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Xylophones kind of make me mad too. Hell out. Are you okay, Ben?

Yeah. Yeah. I wish I had more soda. You seem hammered right now, and I'm the drunk one. You look like you have to shit, if I'm being honest. Do you want me to get you something from upstairs? You don't have any soda here. You don't keep any sugar in the house.

I got plenty of spend drifts. Well, cancer feeds on sugar. Not alcohol. Why don't you get a spend drift? I'll read the ads because you forgot to do that. I have sugar, I think. I could get you a big bag of sugar and water? Actually, I don't think I have a bag of sugar.

What are your men in black? Wait, wait. I think I have. Let me find something sugary for you. Okay. I'll do the ads. It better not be a lot. fucking banana no i think i have i think i have some sort of syrup grenadine here's your

glass of grenadine here you go buddy here's a glass of red it's a bunch of ceres you go hey ben i got your red here you go here's some syrup red on the rocks i think i have agave every time we do the show in the last few weeks like you're so tired you're pretty no i'm not i'm not but you're always like oh you're like no i'm not That's where you sound like, man. You always go like this every episode. You're like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm hammered.

What the hell is going on? We're having a great time. We're drunk. I'm going to drunk drive home. You're dressed all. You always dressed like the new guy. Mm-hmm. Who's the new guy?

You've always dressed like DJ's squalls. You look like you have, like you're in the road trip. You're with a fuck some fat black woman at a sorority. On a wacky, on a wacky, on a wacky, tour across the country. A trip you'll never forget. Yeah. Yeah. Wake up. Snap to it. I'm literally up. I'm trying to drink soda. I'm a fucking mess. What's with you?

What's with you? That, even that. I need toggle bell. Bad clearing of your throat. Because the coke went down the wrong pipe. You're clearly bored. It's sad. Cleary bored and clearing your throat. It's hard to look at. I'm not bored. Snap to.

Snap to. This is me. I'm having a great time. Even that you're slurring your words. Slurring what words? But maybe that's just because you're always slurring. Oh, good. Very good. Because of racism. See, now that's me being lower than you right there.

So you attack me from sucking. I love you, though. No, I know. Me too. Devin, I leave the comments to attack you. I don't have to. I thought you were great on the Patreon, by the way. I didn't.

That was great as well. Well, that was the problem is that there was like 50% of people being like, this is an epic rant. And I saw that and I go, what the hell that I do? Because I had no memory of doing any of memorable whatsoever. And then I listened to, I listened about for like 10, 15 minutes, literally hitting my head against, against the window of my car. As I was waiting outside of like a grocery store and I was like, what are you doing?

What the fuck? I had no memory of things I was saying. I kept repeating myself, like a fucking retard. I should have told you guys we actually shouldn't have recorded that day. I was like, I was in a manic fugue state. Yeah, you've just been, you've been abused by the A. There's two days of the fucking. of the wedding.

Of the ADL. It was insane. And they didn't even do anything. God bless them. I hope they kill everybody. Don't what you mind give me a whiskey spray? I feel rude asking. I will bring all the alcohol and syrup down for the Averys.

Your alcohol? Your syrup? Your alcohol? Your syrup, sir. Of course. Would you like anything else? Should I order some Taco Bell while I'm up there? Actually, yeah, probably.

I think I'm really hungry because it's like 830 now. I have a bag of chips. Avocado oil chips. Hmm. Okay. They looked pretty good. Would you like that? I saw them upstairs.

It's the boulder. No, chips come from tortillas, right? Well, I have potato and tortilla. Would you like potato or tortilla? I think, get them potato. I think potato. I think potato. I think he's a potato eating son of a gun.

Potato's like a perfect food. I've heard that. I've seen that people are talking about how potatoes are great for us lately. They're perfect. On Twitter health. Yeah. Would you like anything else? Potatoes are trending right now.

Potatoes are in the news. They're big. It would be so great if Devin went upstairs and then fell through. He fell like sick, calm style and crushed everything. His legs dangling. But he fell like he's flat. Yeah, yeah. Like he fell from a great height.

Oh, like he was, he was currently on the counter and then fell off flat through the floor. Yeah, completely through. Yeah. And he gets up, he has both of our drinks and they haven't spilled a drop. It will happen. Some trailer park boys shit. Yeah, yeah, trailer park boys. He's got nails through his head.

but he's still got our drinks. That is the funniest thing in Trail Park Boys of all time. That Julian never, yeah. I'm gonna go right now. I'll read the ads and then we can go into the Patreon when you get back. When Julian flips the car and they get out of the car that's flipped 18 times, he still has a full glass of whiskey. It might be the funniest show ever made.

At that moment is the funniest I've ever seen on television. My chine, my chink. Don't you like my chine, mine. Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain mine And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci My chain, my chain

Don't you like my chine mine Young Gucci mine And I'm popping off the chine mine And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci I came to the club Just to fuck my chine mine

Catch another George And I'm going to the chine guy Oh, I think I'm icing, sex and rice cream. See how bright is, girls be telling me how tight it. They think my chain was moving. Don't you like my chain, mine. Y'all goochie mine and I'm popping off the chain, mine. And my checkup is so fruited.

Call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci. My chain, my chain, don't you like my chain, mind? Young goochie mine and I'm popping off the chain, mine. And my Jacob is so fruited. Call me Gucci, mine, no you call me Gucci Gucci, Gucci you be shining, man. Don't turn me on home. Tell me who you, my girlfriend, Accolid, because I got this chain. Dollar stones hollin at you later on.

My chain hanged to my shoe strike. I love my chain. My chain, hanged to my dinghling. You hurt so I bought a stupid chain. My chain, my chain, don't you like my chain, man? Y'all, Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the child. My checkup is so fruited Call me Gucci mine

No you call me Gucci Gucci My chain Don't you like my chine mine Y'all Gucci mine And I'm popping off the And my checkup is so Ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci My first chain I had to rob for it

Jesus piece yellow diamond Sitting all in it I'm on some slick brick shit 2006 Mr. T Diamond's so bright Ain't a way you can't see the G Look I don't dance I just lean with it My piece is sick, Gary Robert trying to leave with it

I got that New York fitted on Full suit, Dickie on Gucci link chain, blue stones in a nigga charm Now watch me do it, do it with no hands Traps when he crammed on that bezel and that band Cause I'm the man I'm the man got no wife but my chain got my girlfriend Don't you like my chine mine

Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chite Am I Jacob it's so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci My chain Don't you like my chime mine Y'all I'm Gucci mine And I'm popping off the time

And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci No you call me Gucci Gucci