lemonparty - 186: The Legend of the Black guy Children

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Ben at the comedy store May 29th https://thecomedystore.com/calendar/show/3562/2026-05-29t200000-0700-nightworld-with-ben-avery-matt-lockwood Download the prize picks app and use code lemon factormeals.com/lemon50off Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Testing. I'm using the mic, joke world. Is this real? Wow. This guy's 40. Oh, that guy got 36 boosters. I wasn't going to talk about this, but let's play it. Hold on.

Oh, my God. By the way, if you're watching this now, before this, I'll put out an episode of us with, or actually, after this, right after this, there'll be an interview with Jokeworld. Joke World came into the studio before the roast. We squashed the beef. We squashed the whole thing with Jokeworld. He explained the whole thing about the fraud. Hate Watch is going to be in next year's.

And that's all I wanted. It was great. He was a really, really sweet guy. I didn't realize how white and tall he was, so I like him now. Yeah, we all like him now. Okay, here we go. I like to think that's how soft he actually talks. Yeah, he speaks in lowercase.

Here we go. I am currently about to get my 36th COVID booster, and I'm pretty excited. Does he think the booster is prepped? They injected it into my ass. He goes, I just got back from West Hollywood. I need another booster. He's like gay, David Attenborough. Look at this twink, this Asian twink getting his asshole filled.

I had my phone stolen at the Abbey last night in between sucking cock and drinking cum, and I think I need another booster. I was state rates, but only because I was pretending to be asleep because I'm into that. Welcome back to Planet Girt Put a bag over my head Fuck me like I'm an Israeli captive Hand me that duct tape I want you to treat me like a pen cushion Fuck me while screaming

Violently scream Grab me Oh Ah Ah Oh Jolah Oh Jollyho

36 boosters It's performative obviously because he counts them If he wasn't counting them He'd just be like I get a lot Because I'm gay Because I'm gay and retarded Because I'm gay and retarded I'm moved to America so I could vote for Kamala

Because I'm a big gay retard Hi I'm here I'm here at Temple of the Trees And I'm about to drink Kama in the bathroom. Wouldn't it be so funny if this guy died of Haunt the virus like a week later? Yeah. I was shoving a rat up my ass and I got Haanta virus. How did Richard Gia do it? All this frat shit in my bum gave me the virus.

Is it haunt or is it Hana? Haanta, I think. Hanta virus. Right? Ben? Yeah. You've had it. Of course. You've recovered many times. Yeah, I ate a rat's asshole. And I got it. I think he was on a, the guy who got it on the ship was on a... A bird watching trip.

Yeah, he was an ornithologist. He was a bird watcher. But he went through a landfill of some kind. He went through a landfill and he inhaled rat shit. And that's how he got the rare strain that can transmit human to human. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Piece of shit.

Apparently, we should be fine. He was also Dutch, which is very funny too, just because they're fucking weirdos. Yeah. But apparently we should be fine because the transmission rate is very low. Yeah, because you die before you can even go out, right? So that's good. Yeah. That's good.

Yeah. Hurry up. Wrap it up, Bozo. I was also like, there was a part where I was like, another, if there's a new COVID, I'm like, I was actually like, honestly won't affect my life that much. Like, we'll just record outside. Yeah. It kind of feels like something that I kind of look at that and I go, I'm white, I'll be

fine. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, like for example, Gene Hackman didn't die of it, but his very Chinese wife did. I think Gene Hackman just died before he could have been. died from her. Well, she didn't bring him a sandwich. He just, he was waiting for a sandwich for like 38 hours. Yeah. Yeah. And she had bound her feet too much to walk to the bedroom.

She couldn't, she couldn't get there. Was she got Honda virus and died and then he star-shed? She died and then he wandered around the house for a week, wondering what would happen. Eating her like a cat. Yeah. Yeah. It was really brutal story. That's actually the sad thing I've ever heard. Incredibly sad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Gene Hackman wandered around for a week. He was the Hackman Mummy. We call it on Hate Watch, the Hackman Mummy. The Hackman Mummy.

Yeah, he was a mummy for about a week, wandering around. It's horrifying. Kind of like a Sin's character that can't go through a door. Yeah, and he's also, like, rich, so he's, like, way too big of a home. So you're lost in your giant home. You have dementia. For days. Yeah.

You keep, like, you keep thinking she's, like, your wife's alive, and you walk back into the room, and you're like, he literally lived her death, like, a hundred times. You go, oh, my Chinese wife's dead. He goes, what the happened? And then he forgets and he wanders off. And then he comes back in the room. He goes, oh, my God. She's so Chinese and dead.

He had the worst moment of his life a thousand times. And then he died. That's the darkest thing I've ever heard. How do Chinese people die? They curl up like, oh, no, and then they just die. When they die, do their eyes open wider? Is it an opposite thing? No, yeah, yeah.

Actually, they break through their islands. They actually die. you ever sprayed a spider with raid and then all of its legs curl up that's what happens to a chinese guy yeah they see the light but it's like in a fish eye lens yeah like through escrow glasses yeah super wide screen yeah they see life in a theatrical release there's black bars on the on the top of yeah it's shot an eye mask yeah it's like it's like watching a turkosky film that's how they see the light yeah um this guy i guess he's gonna explain the 36 boosters okay who's going to i can't believe we're

watching. We wouldn't be watching this if he was just liberal. Like it would be boring, but the fact that he's a gay guy from London is kind of funny. I'm a gay guy from London. I let muzzies fuck me in the ass. I almost said Packy, but I stopped myself. You stopped yourself. You said it right there, though. Jason, you're showing science of maturity. I was saying, I was saying I shouldn't have said Packy. Exactly. So I didn't say Patty. That's good. Jace, we're trying to go more mainstream. Exactly. I just spot Paci for a muzzi. Oh, I love the Muslim rape gangs. The Muslim

rape games cut my arm off to seal my watch and then fucked me in the ass. How come they never rape me? Fuck that woman. I heard about a thousand Muslim men raping women in the street of Hamburg, Germany. And I said, I've got to book a ticket.

Leave the young school girls alone. Fuck me. Just is a year since 2020 without missing a single one, which was always my goal. That's insane. But I still intend to keep getting the for the rest of our life.

It looks like a lot of tech. Because the truth is, it's people like us getting our boosters who are the only people protecting everybody else in society. Shut the fuck. Shut the fuck up, faggit. So if you hear this information. Shut the fuck up. It's so funny.

Jason's actually super liberal too. No, he's not actually gay. I think he probably is. It's so funny. Oh no, I am extremely liberal. Jason's like an extreme Democrat. Yeah. I'm fat.

I literally just actually voted. for every Democratic candidate in California. I'm like, fucking bag. I just dropped my mail and voted ballot off. I'm so Democrat. I still vote. And I go, this guy is gay as shit. Well, you know, it makes me mad.

It's a guy who wants to be important and his only way of being important is getting a Pfizer drug shot into his arm once every two months for three years. What a bad. bitch. Coming out today that suggests that these vaccines are not safe and effective. Ignore it.

Keep calm. Carry on. And keep getting your boosters. Because if we stop, if we give up, if we get dismayed, COVID will come back. And it will come back worse than ever.

Isn't that not how it works? Doesn't it simply get weaker and weaker and weaker, which is why. I don't know, maybe. I mean, also like... I'm not taking advice from him. Everyone gets sick now and they're like,

it could be COVID. I don't care. I don't know. Yeah. I was sick this week I'm like it's probably I couldn't taste anything probably COVID

if you go buy a COVID test at this point I know what are we doing with that's insane I've had people Have you had somebody have to cancel something

and they're like I took a COVID test and you get mad you're like Why did you take the fucking COVID test? Yes now you Yes you just exposed yourself dumb ass

I would just thought you had the cold Like we could have still Did the thing I think we all kind of have it Throughout the week I get it I feel like I get COVID every Monday morning. I wake up with COVID every Monday.

I'm lightheaded right now. Yeah, but no, I'm sick as a dog. My pulse socks drops to 60 in my sleep. I'm fine. Okay, so did you guys see this Savannah Banana stuff? Yeah, this truly, I had like one last domino that was a hope for humanity in the long run, and this toppled it over. I swear to God. You said this video to me, and I sat in my car for a while.

Yeah, doing all the memes. Doing all the memes. You're 40-year-old Christians. It's completely fast. Let's do the smelly swim move. So this is 110,000 people and it's in, is it Blin? College Station. College Station.

Yeah, it's in the Aggies. Kyle Field. Kyle Field, yeah, in College Station. It's the Chrysherification of the world. He's like really influential actually. No, yeah, he's actually, he's our Walt Whitman. Our salt shitmen. You need to get that to Adam Curtis.

Be like, it's Chrysification. It's the Chrysherification. of the world. Adam Curtis keeps me like, I had to delete a new movie because everything got more retarded before I finished. I keep deleting movies on making.

Alan Dulles killed Patrice Lamumba O'Neill with the crisisification of the world. The comments I see in terms of you know, being the, why can't you just let people enjoy things type guys? They all say, they go, it's for kids, like leave them alone. There's not a single kid there.

There's tons of tailgates. All these people drove there. What if they... They can drive. Where are the children? They go, hey, man, it's for retarts. We're all huge fat retarts. It was like the parking lots full of Fisher Price cars.

Oh, man. Oh, my God. Can you... Can you... You know what bothers me about it? At least, like, when you watch the Globetrotters... My God. When you watch the Globetrotters, you're kind of like, that's really impressive, though,

even though it's like a, it's a carnival. Yeah. When I've seen clips of this, I'm like, I don't even... It just looks bad. It's just bad. The Globetrotters are making shots from half court and like doing tricks inside. See, so this is the tailgate thing before and people keep saying like leave them alone. It's for kids.

I'm like, literally where are the children? You guys are tailgating, you're drinking. There's no, I don't see a baby. No, this is for kids are, kids are left at home like crawling into vents. There are kids at home of these Chrysher parents who are tumbling around in a drying. Chrysher parents. I like that. It is.

Yeah, Chrysher parents. Chrysher parents. Chrysher kids. Kids are in crisis Yeah Yeah, that's insane 110,000 people I believe it broke a record of some kind

Oh yeah, here we go So this is when These are the kids Look, the kids are getting ready for the game Look at all those kids Yeah Wow, that's insane That's so many people

This guy's so rich It's the Goyam man Yeah It's the post-religious South It's the Goyim He is the Goy beam You do see shit like this and you're like, why would a Jewish people think they're better than everybody?

Honestly. Like, dude, what if they do? What if they pull up? They're in those tunnels watching banana, uh, the bananas clips. And they're just like, look at these fucking. Can you believe those? These little ticks. Can you believe those?

These little bugs running around. Why wouldn't you? These little fat ticks. Yeah. Full of, uh, blood and soda. Yeah, I wanted to show you guys that. I wasn't planning on showing you the Savannah banana stuff, but, uh. No, it's important that, um, they get a lot of hate.

And it's, they need more. Everybody should be hating on them all the time. I try not to look at him because it just, I don't have room in my heart. This is funny. Is this jelly? This is, yeah, Jellio. Well, you guys know Chris, right? Chris Lynch, he poses this.

This is like an AI thing. Watch this real quick. For you, I love your journey. I love this. What's this? Okay, was that good? Is that camera off? This is my real voice.

fucking loser. For the fucking loser. For the people on audio, Jelly Roll beat the shit out of his crippled man. It's kidding me. It's killing me. And let's take it. from a real video of him meeting a crippled guy. Yeah. And people are like, it's

jelly rolls, like, most able fan. I've just been thinking about all the, like, the me-maws across the country thing. That's real. You put this in, you put this in Facebook like it is the COVID virus. Yeah. There's like dropping LSD in the water supply. There's people all over the country that are like, well, I'd like yellow roll until he beat the shit out of that. And then I fucking live, damn. Fuck Crippers. Fucking weak. And they're in a big chair.

They're in an iron line. On wheels. Yeah, they're in a big meck suit from like Robo Cup. Stand up. Back in. Stand up. I turned my bass boat into, I turn my bass master into a mex suit. I can walk around.

Why don't you do that? Fucking cripple retired. They're in a big Weber grill. Like it's an iron long. They're like, I'm a green egg now. I turn my body into a green egg. I'm the green egg man. I can smoke.

I can smoke my own ribs. I want. It's body hard, but I love it. And you're fucking queer. I'm glad you all to beat the shit out of you. Fucking homo. Fucking homo queer. Anyway, I got to get to the bananas game.

I got to go watch bananas play baseball. I think it's actually my yearly intake of fruit is watching the Savannah bananas. I'm a big green egg. Big green egg retard. That's why I like M&M, little Pete. Love Pete. Jelly roll. I heard there was an EDM guy named Marshmella.

And I said, sign me up, bud. Sign me up, bud. Sign me up, bud. Yep. Yes, sure. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I heard there was a guy named Avici, and I thought it was Savici, and I got it.

I got all excited, and I got mad. My favorite psychedelic rock band, probably vanilla fudge. It's a real band from the 60s. Is it a real band? Yeah. Very good, Jay. There's a weird audiophile guy who, like, did this when you made that reference. Epic win.

Vanilla fudge for the win. And then he pulled his shirt back down over his stomach. Over his gigantic stomach. He has about a new shirt in 12 years. He's pulling it down. Yeah. fucking Jay's fucking kicks ass and then the pen

the pin that was rolling his stomach up fucking pops off the one guy who like really likes me yes the nail fudge yes you just keep me hanging on Jace

yes you hit him putting the gun back in the drawer Yes, not today, gun. Was it for me? Was it for the president? Who knows? No, yes. Was it for my mom?

No. I only got one bullet. Jace just watched the second to the last episode of the sopranos remembered vanilla fudge was a band. They are featured in that. Oh, they're in the second of the last app? Yeah, Tony's blaring them. That's big for them.

Or it could have been once about time in Hollywood. I'm not sure where Jace got it from, but for the win. But also for the win. For the fucking win. For the fucking win. This makes up for his captain beef art tape. Boom! I've been holding that under that for a year.

I fucking hated him. I was outside of his house for weeks with a crossbow. But then he said the Vanilla Fudge reference. For the win. For the fucking win. Oh, shit. There are still people that do that, huh? There are still people that are using like the E-Trade baby meme.

Like the baby, or the. There's people that still use the sad bear where it's like, just found out that, you know, or like the bear is like, like, has its arms. I don't know the bear. I know the epic baby for the win. Yeah, yeah, from like 2008. Yeah, it's, yeah. I think it's kind of come back. I've seen people, yeah.

I used to respond to all of Lex Friedman's tweets with that. That's actually a really good video. Heck you forget. Yeah. Yeah. I think he got bullied too much and he went away. Oh, yeah. Well, happiness.

will make you happy. Sadness, not so much. Everyone stay safe out there. I'm going to go eat nine patties from McDonald's. Just today, just want to

give thanks to my feet for keeping me for helping me walk. Feet are epic. Today, on the show, we have the milk boys. Today,

I sit here with Stiney. Stiney, what is Rohepnole? How do you use it? I haven't had sex in you use. Stiney, help me date rape. Today on the show, we have Dave Portnoy. Who's going to teach me how to treat a 17-year-old like a speed bag.

I think it's important to listen to all times. all types of takes from both sides of the aisle. That's why I only interview rapists. I go to that interview now. Dave, thanks for joining me. Does he even do his show anywhere, by the way? I don't think he does. I think he quit.

I haven't seen it. I think he stopped. Yeah. But I think he also just, people are like, does he tweet anymore? And I'm like, I think he blocked literally everybody on the website. Yeah. Oh, that's why nobody can see it anymore.

Yeah, we just can't see his tweets. Yeah, yeah. He put himself in like a void. He might have gone back to Russia to fight in the Ukraine war or some shit. He seems like he could be that's epic guy. Just building bots for Russia. I don't know. I'm looking up to see if he still exists.

Him and Huberman. Huberman's still doing his show, but you don't really see him anymore. He was huge. Huberman just, yeah, kept, he kind of trudged through that bullshit, like, that article about him, like, cheating on a lot of women. I think he also, he ran out his shit. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. You tell everybody what there is. That's it. That's it. Yeah. How do you keep every day? You're like, remember, get son. I think there was also a big phase where we all thought we could pull ourselves out of something.

And I think everybody's kind of given up on that. Yeah. There was a big, like, 2020, like, everybody got really sad, 2020 to 2020-21 COVID. And everybody's like, I'm going to pull myself out. And then I think last year everybody's like, no, fuck. No, it sucks ass. We're all going to die. Dr. Rhonda Patrick's, like, trying to talk about, like, vitamin D for the 800 time.

And I was like, we get it. I take it. You're like, I just put 200. Do you have anything? I just took me $300 to fill up my. car so I don't think it's the vitamin D. I think I'm a rat in a prison of hell. I think I'm a rat being fed shit every day. Maybe that's it. Devin, can you move the camera slightly? Right there. Oh, and Jace, we should probably do ads

actually. This is a good... As Devin is changing the camera here and making it a little... Because see how much wall there is, there of... Oh, the frame. Yeah, because we were trying to get joke rolled in the frame, yeah. Is that better? Go check out the joke world episode. Is that better? I think that's good, Devon. I think that's great. I trust your eye.

Devon's going to get food. Devon's going to Sashwan Kitchen. Hey, guys, it's Chase here. In my day quill, in Deuce Hayes, I read the wrong copy when we recorded. So now I'm here at home. I sound really, really bad for being sick. But here we go. First, I want to tell you about Factor Meals, guys.

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with LeBron James all the time. So you can go in here and see, they go, LeBron James, 23 points, less or more, what do you think? Devin would pick less because he hates him. And they can go over and be like, oh, Dr. Robinson. He's kind of a weird-looking white guy. Do you think he's going to get more the 19 and a half points. I don't think so because we're going to like games. So I would pick less in that instance. You put your lineups all together and you got your picks. Pick live squares during the NBA playoffs and you can win a trip for two to the NBA finals. Enter by making a $5 lineup with at least one live player pick during any part of the 2026 NBA playoffs. So download the prize picks apps today. The prize picks app today and use code

Lemon, L-E-M-O-N, to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Lemon to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineups. Prize picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. Thank you. And I'm sorry, I sound fucking insane right now. Benjamin. You know, Akash left the flagrant. I know, he got cocked off of out of broadcasting.

Should we talk about that? Probably. He's Indian, so we should probably talk about it. Anytime I see something like that, I'm like, I just wish we were like three black guys. Oh, yeah. So we could just... Talking about that shit. So we could just go like, so his woman did that shit.

Yeah, so we could be like, you know, holding the pussy accountable. But also, you know, disrespecting him. We could take away, I wish we were three black guys so we could ultimately take away a really bad point where we go. This is why you cannot date brown women. this is why Snow Bunnies only I want to be the opposite of Dr. Umar

where I say black women are the devil I can't believe he got caught by an Indian lady though I didn't know Indians would do that too You're talking to Kosh? We're talking Kosh So Akash took a step back

from Flagrant now and he's just going to tour And I think he sold that Radio City He's doing very well So it's not like he's You know He never one says You know

His career's over or whatever He's I think he'll be more than fine You need to take his step You need to step away from the middle of your day to do stand-up at night. There's definitely, it has nothing to do with his wife ruining his life. So this is the thing. Everybody deals with, you know, comments or whatever,

but this guy's dealing with black Twitter going after him. Oh, yeah. It's a different beast. Yeah. And they're treating the microphone that she uses like a big black cock. And they're like, look at that bitch. Look at that bitch. Work that shit, lying right into the dick.

Look at the way she hold it with two hands. That's experience. So do you know DJ academics? Of course. He's like a pedophile retard. Yeah. He's like literally the one black guy who posts about jacking off. He's like, yeah, he's genuine the type of guy that he'd be like, damn, bad baby's 15.

She's like hot. I got a boner. I'm coming up myself. But he's literally posted pictures like, who else come in buckets to Kylie Jenner right now? Yeah. He's like, yeah, he like, yeah, he like. He does like the air horn sound for beating off. Millie Bobby Brown countdowns to her 18th birthday.

I mean, he's like a retarded Muppet. Is that bad in his community, though? What? Like his corner of the internet, do they care that he does that? The retarded pedophile community? The retarded black pet peeveloc. I think a lot of black people think he's an embarrassment. But he's also mainstream, too.

I don't know. He's kind of been, I think it's like this. He's kind of like he's the clown from Hellraiser. or not Hellraiser. He's the clown from spawn for black people a little bit. Where they like him, but they're also like he's fucking gross and retarded. Got it. At the same time.

Okay. Yeah. Cool. His hat looks really kind of dumb. I don't get it. I really don't know who he is, but here he is. His wife's still out here making storytimes? Yo, this shit was crazy.

Chat. This is beyond crazy, chat. Chat. The man's wife is still doing story times after he quit his podcast. After they basically bullied them. off of it she's still doing the same shit i thought she would have been like you know what i need to chill too hell no she's still on it chat still on that i'm 47 years old chat chat i'm 47 years old chat chat i'm 47 there is something with guys below an 85 iq they just they constantly say chat chat

they say chat chat chat chat he cooked chat he cooked chat he cooked chat he cooked chat i want to see the i want to see the story you know what's funny about her too is that you know she probably fucking sucks in bed, probably gives horrible blow jobs. He probably gets nothing out of this other than holding her around like a prize. And everyone now knows that his prize ruined his life and has no respect for him. Yeah, because she's a starfish. She doesn't do anything for him. She was getting like fucked like a pocket pussy by frat guys for like years.

Yeah, and she doesn't care about him, hence the fact that she's okay with him quitting the fucking show and it being everyone knowing it's like because of that. Yeah. Sad. Sad? Sad for Akash? Kind of. Is this them saying he's leaving the show? It's like when Akash's birthday comes around.

I have to pretend that it's like so special. I don't even ask for this. The one day, yeah, you do. The one day of the year that I have to like be totally selfless. Oh yeah. Which is really hard for me. Desiline? He's doing one.

What a cunt? Are those black security guards in line to fuck her? They're guarding her pussy from other black guys. Was that genuinely the bit that Andrew Wischelz was do it because that's kind of funny these guys back here yeah why are they there is that the line it looks like sex tourism they're literally hiding behind like like they're in the jungle like jungle plants yeah also very fucked up of Andrew sholz to put jungle plants on his set yeah yeah yeah that was also the video where they were trying to recover from her being a whore yes by the way

she's still being right and then he quit the show so she's supposed to so where are these videos She's supposed to show like this. I don't know what to say. Chat. Thank y'all for all the hate. Yo, she's still posting. She's still posting. Is it hard?

Chat. Chat. Chat. Chat, my doctor said my blood pressure is through the roof. Chat. I'm trying to imagine he was watching this. Chat. Doc said my liver's cooked, Chad.

I'm 47 years old. I'm 47 years old. I got blue light poisoning, chat. I'm a black man with blue. Two light poisoning, chat. Chat, I don't have much longer to live, Chad. I'm good. Chad, I'm cooked.

My dopamine. I'm good, Chad. My reward center is cook, chat. Shit, I think drinks is friends with me because I'm a pedophile. He might, my theory is he's maybe taken a step back from flagrant and everything because the marriage is dissolving now. And he can't also live through a divorce while still doing the podcast. Yeah, because the comments have just beaten him to shit so much that he can't. can't take also that. Black Twitter,

black Instagram, black streamers, they have destroyed. There is no meat left on those bones. It is gone. The marrow's gone. There's meat in those bones. But that's it. It's also if they go through a divorce and he's still on the show, like, black guys are literally going to, like, live stream themselves

fucking her and, like, just tweet it at, like, in response to episodes being posted. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I'd ever recover from that. And I think I would consider killing myself. I would my own life immediately. I wouldn't even try to fight it for a second. It's the right thing to do. Yeah, it's actually, it's pretty intense. It's you kill her than yourself. In your suicide note,

you'd say, you're still allowed to make fun of me and not feel bad about it. Yeah, because it's very funny. I go, you know why I did this. This is still very funny, but she had to die, and so do I. This is my humiliation ritual. Yes. I put a bullet through my head. This is her fault for me killing her, and then me. Oh, you'd kill her, too? Yes, of course. No, she needs to, of course. Yeah, she's the first one. Why else would you do it? Yeah. You got to kill her and then have one moment of peace on this earth and then kill yourself.

One day where you're just really jacking off a lot? Yeah. You're like this rules. Would you guys really kill your wife and like hand to hand like that? No. I would just burn the house down, like lock it from the outside and burn it down. With her inside of it. Yeah, while they're sleeping and then smoke fills and then they go peacefully.

I wouldn't kill them. I want it to be indirect. I don't want to do it with a gun. I'd hire someone to run into them. in a car and I'd park my car somewhere away when I know it's going to happen. I just watch it with binoculars. And then I go, good. Then I'd drive off.

So you have a deathproof type vehicle. Because I want to, I'd be like, make sure she does a flip when you hit her. Make sure you hit her. It had such a velocity that she does like a cartoonish flip. No, it's the beginning of punch trunk love. Yeah. Exactly. It's a car flipping 45 times.

Yeah. It's Paul Walker's death. Yeah. That's interesting that you would. choose car. I would choose, because you want a little bit of distance from it if you're going to kill somebody. I'm fluid. It'll change. I can change. Oh, I know. I got mine actually. I've been talking about this recently. This is how I kill my wife. Book a cruise. And at home, comment below how you would kill your wife? Yeah, chat, tell us how you do it. Chat, tell us how we should do it.

Most of the comment happens in real life. If you were Akash and this was your wife, how would you Killer. How would you cook? I would book a cruise, so my wife's really nice to me, because she's like, oh, you care about me, book a cruise. Late night on the balcony, just push overboard. I do one of those. That's cool.

And then the ship just disappears in the darkness. That's a miserable fucker. And then I wake up the next day and I go, oh, I can't find my, do anybody see my wife? Because then I get to kill my wife, which rules. It's also a brutal way to die. Yeah. Because she's going to be fighting forever.

You just fight and then drown. And then sink. And then three, everybody feels really bad for me because it seems like my wife died. And you could blame it maybe on an immigrant employee that sleeps in the bottom. I blame it on a guy who sleeps in a big tube at the bottom of the ship. And then I make a million dollars. A Honduran man. Yeah, exactly.

You can't defend himself because he doesn't understand the language. Yeah, exactly. A guy who has one dollar. I go, it was him. A guy who has one dollar, he guards with his life. and I go, he did it. Give me a bunch of money. Oh, the guy

the guy whose life is a thousand times worse than mine and appreciates it more. Make it worse. Make it worse. Make it worse so mine's better. The man who lost the poker hand at birth and I won it.

Give him less cards. No cards in his hands. Send him to a weird jail in Honduras where they beat the shit out of them with canes and it's wet. I want him to go to a big wet jail in South America. Big wet jail. I go, wetest jail you got? Send him to one of those prisons that's leaky. Human humidity.

Big wet jail. I demand a leaky prison. I want it to be wet everywhere, not a spot. Not a dry spot. Everywhere's wet. Shivers all night. He can never get dry. Maybe they do some type of Mai Tai tournament down there.

Yeah. Some kickboxing. Send him to a midnight express. Maybe the prison guards make them fight to the death. So this is the interesting thing about everything we said. All of ours are pretty quick and painless. Right. Women will actually poison you for weeks and weeks and weeks on that.

Slowly, yeah. Slow, painful. They want pain. That's right. Part of it. They don't want it to be quick. They never do. They'll do it until you got a heart attack.

Weaken your heart with arsenic over time. Yeah. They're cruel. It's happened a few times, right? And they're nagging. And they're so mean to me. They're so mean all the time. They always want stuff.

They always like, pick this up, get this. Yep. It's like, I want my house to look like shit. I said no. All that shit. They're bad. They're bad. Yep.

They only buy things so you have to bring it back to the UPS store to ship it back to the place they bought it from. That's literally the reason to get a wife is to have stuff to bring back to the UPS store. Because they bought a thing that sucks on Amazon. I love, I used to, I don't do this anymore, but I used to weaponize my, like, helplessness at the post office where I was like, my wife, I don't know, she bought much shit. And then the guy would be like, I get it. Yeah, you'd be like, I get it, man. And they scan it, and we have to figure out how to put it in boxes and stuff. I'm like, I don't even know what this is.

The amount of cardboard that they weighs. I'm like, I think these are lids for cups. We don't have. You're like, my wife bought, my wife bought, like, jewels for, like, cups or something. Some of shit. You guys, like, I fucking fuck her, man. I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it.

Guy stuff is delivered on trucks. Yes. Yeah. Beer, whiskey. It's all, Coca-Cola. It's all on trucks. Jim equipment. Yeah, everything that men get is like, yeah, the guy has to stop his car in the middle of the highway.

Yes. And then pull the pallet out and run across the street with it. You need two Mexicans to deliver something a man gets. You know what's crazy, by the way? Is when I go back on the 101 back home, every week now, a couple times a week, someone's getting hit on that freeway. Oh, yeah. And I am in bumper-to-bumper traffic at, like, one or two a.m. I left your place yesterday.

It took me like an hour and a half. half to get back over here. Did you see the news that someone got hit? I don't even look at the news. I just assume another guy got hit. Sometimes I will, if I'm in really bad traffic driving away from your house and somebody isn't hit, I'll get mad.

If it just clears up randomly, I go, there's no dead body. This fucking sucks. You're like, I had a perfect podcast episode that I was going to listen to. And I have to cut it 25 minutes short. I was listening to a YouTube video about the history of Weezer. And now it sucks. And I get to the end of this

traffic and there's just two guys who rear-ended each other? One of you should be dead. It's actually in fucking insane when there's just a car on the side of the road. You're not sure why they stopped. And everyone has been stopped on the freeway looking at, like acting like they need to like honor it. Yeah. It's very bizarre what traffic decides to like honor.

Well, they're doing PSAs on the freeways now though. What do you mean? What the new, like KTLA is like, if you see someone on the side of the highway, do not stop and get out. It is a hazard. Right. This is what keeps happening is people stop and try to help. They get out of the car, they get hit immediately and die.

Yeah. Like one or two people will just be dead at one in the morning trying to just. But you got to help people. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no. I never help. I never help not once. I've seen old women trying to change a tire.

I splash a puddle on them. They go, shit out of AAA card, you old bitch. Hey, how do you not have AAA? Come on. It's 30 bucks. It's literally like 60 bucks. and they come do everything. You know what they say you're supposed to do?

If you break down on the middle of the freeway, stay in your car. It's the safest place. Yeah. Because people try to get out and make a run for it, and they don't... Right. They turn into fraud.

No, people, like, actually panic. They, like, run into 18-wheelerers. That's terrifying. If you're parked on the middle of the freeway... Yeah. You're supposed to put your hazards on and just hope for the best. You don't get out and run around, like, bowfinger. No.

You got to shoot like a little flame gun. Yeah. A flare. I'm running. I'm not. sitting in that car wait for triple-a. Fuck that. We are talking shit about those people. I'd run. I'd completely run.

Fuck that. Yeah. I'm not doing that. No, I know. I'm barely paying attention. Yeah. At night? 1.30 in the morning? I'm tired. Mm-hmm. I might be I might be texting back somebody. I might be watching porn.

I might be cranking my hog right now into an empty Gatorade cup. And I'm going to kill you. Yeah. I'm going to turn you into goo. Yeah, I've done that. I had a breakdown on the side of the highway.

I did. I called AAA because I was like, there's going to be a guy. I'll bring a cone. Like, I know how to change a tire, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to be on my knees on the fucking side of the highway. Right. For a guy to just ram into me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I changed the tire once and then I just kind of, and then I forgot. Like my dad showed me. I was like, okay, I did it once. And then as time went on, I, every time I've had a flat tire. I just call AAA, even though I could change it. And then they come, and they're kind of, like, embarrassed for me. They, like, show me.

They're like, all you got to do is this. And I go, right, right, thanks, man. I actually, like, it's my first time on Earth. Like, oh, okay, I got it now. Yeah. Do you also, when they change your oil, they show you the airfield? You just go, oh, yeah, I don't care about that at all. They just said I needed all new tires.

And I was like, yeah, sure, right. That's why they're still on my car. Right. Is that why I drove here? Yeah, I need new tires. I need new tires when they're flat. How about that? When they pop, I get new tires.

Dumbass. What do you think I live in a fucking tundra? I live in Southern California. Fuck face. I drive bald, fag. That'd be great if you were that mean. To the guy at J.B. Yeah.

My tires look like orange skin, dumbass. The guy at Valvillian's so confused. He's like, all right. Jesus Christ. The type A Mexican guy. Yeah. Who's very clean cut and smells great. He's like, okay, fuck.

I do have a weird. The type A guy who has a lot of self-esteem because he makes 60 grand to you. I think those guys carry themselves like they make a lot more. They got to. I think it's because they're second generation guys who make $60,000 a year and have a social security. Maybe. I hope they make a ton of money. They do great work.

Doesn't it feel like jiffyloops and valvillines? So many fucking miles. It's so funny every time. I think people hate it now. makes me really happy. Yeah. Sorry, what were you saying about Jiffyloob? It doesn't, every time I've gone through a Jiffy Loeb or a Valvalian, I'm always like, I kind

of get an urge to order like chili fries. Doesn't it just seem, they feel like you're kind of going through a drive-thru and you could get like a breakfast burrito? Do I get four monster tacos, extra tacos? Yeah, they have, because they have the, Jifilips have those tables out front with the umbrella where it looks like you're at like a Tommy's burger or something. I hate that they want to talk to you someone. want to talk to you so much. I know that makes me an asshole, but...

How's your day, boss? And there's like a guy sucking off your car underneath, underground. A guy just going to like this. I just like, sucking all the oil. Some little pig. How's it hanging, boss? How you doing? How you doing, man? This will be over soon, man. Don't worry. Yeah, you know, well, it's, it's my Friday, because I get off on Thursdays. You go, oh, yes, you're... You're ready to relax, huh? Yeah, you know how it is, buddy.

You know how it is. Yeah. No, I don't even go to those places anymore because I have that. I have like my warranties still left on my- I do too. On my Lexus. I'm about to run out and I hate it. Yeah, I go to the Lexus.

I get coffee from the Lexus dealership all the time. When I'm on my way to a movie at the Americana, I just pull off real quick and I walk right into the lobby and I get a coffee. I grab a cookie. And I leave. Because it's fucking, that's the part of the system. I treat the Lexus dealer. You get treated dealership like it's a hotel, basically.

Yeah. Walk in, you own that place. Exactly. No one knows. No one knows that I'm not getting my car service. They have no idea. They have no clue. They're none in the wiser.

Nobody cares. They're fools. They're fools. Yeah, I'm literally about to run out of the, I got one more free oil change I got to do next week, and then I'm back. Yeah. I'm back to the gutters. I might get it.

I might go electric. I might get a Tesla. Okay, so here's my... Here's an interesting thing that's going, and I'm Devin, I hope you do. I hate the fucking gas right out. I pay $1,000 down, $300 a month. The car's basically free. They're offering free supercharging for a year.

So for somebody like me that doesn't have home charging, that's pretty beneficial. How many down are we talking? I think it would be like $3,000. $3,000 down, okay. But if you trade your car in it. But if I trade my... If I can get a good number on my car, I don't think I... Yeah, I wouldn't mind it.

Also, just the fucking once... I mean, the self-driving thing actually is. is pretty incredible. This lady drove me back from LAX when we got back from Austin. She was just talking to me the entire time, and she's like, you actually have no idea how exhausting it is to drive until you do this thing, and you kind of realize like, oh, my God, I'm not.

She was doing self-driving. She just had it on FSD the entire time. All of your anxiety goes out the door. I would ask her to not do that. And not because I don't think it's safe. I just want her to do it. I go, let's put the hands on the wheel, bitch. I go, I paid for this.

Let's go. I paid for a slave, not a robot. Let's go, you lazy bozo. I want you to have to drive me around. I'm a king. You're my slave. So right now, here's an interesting thing because gas is going way up everywhere. Yeah.

It's $6 over here. But so is Texas. Yeah. And where we're from, Abilene, Texas has officially been ruined by Sam Altman. It's like Eddington out there, right? Yeah. The OpenAI portal, whatever, it's destroyed the city. They're building the Hellraiser Cube and Abelman.

In New Newark, yeah. Rent is legitimately like a three-bedroom house in Abilene now is like $3,000 a month. Yeah. Rent. The rent. The same rent in L.A. and San Diego for Abilene, Texas. Yeah. Like a nice kind of places to live or like $8,000 a month in Abilene?

Why Sam, because there's all this AI and tech shit out there? No? Because everything is... This is the funny thing. Are there people like lynching delivery robots? That's what you get. Shearing. They're hanging a robot from a lynching tree.

Fuck, go puff. It's a sun downtown, but for robots. Go puff, that's like puff daddy. Yeah, I got me a good waymo last night. That's so stupid. Yeah, the energy bills are like two grand a month. And they have permanent daylight now. It's like living in Alaska.

Yeah, and you hear, as you're trying to go to bed. Yeah. There's fat children walking into the data center and getting shocked like a bug zapper. Yeah. Fidside kids. Far side kids, exactly. That's why I love you. I was about to say that.

Yeah, of course. Far side kids who are getting, who are getting burnt to death. I got a kid licking a big jawbreaker that he's holding in his hand that is glued to his palm now until he finishes it. A kid that's been working on a jawbreaker for three months. It's so, he special ordered it. A Mexican guy with a. with a fucking thing had to deliver it. No, I was laughing looking at the rent they're having to pay.

I know. For a butt-fuck-nothing town. I mean, we still hear from our dad like, why would you want to pay all that money for gas? And why would you have to pay all that rent? Delivering all those black people. Everywhere's L.A. now, Fagg. Everywhere's L.A.

But you don't have the weather. Maga, baby. Trump is great. Trump decided to make every place L.A. Yeah, we're calling our dad being like, gotta say, Trump's doing great stuff now. What are you going to do about- I got to agree?

Hey, dad, I love Trump. What are you going to do about all that gay sex in your town? Yeah, so Trump brought that California living right to Texas. Got to say, big fan of his. I was wrong, dad. Big fan. I'm a big fan of his. I'll shake his hand.

I don't know why you pay $3,000 a month in L.A. You could pay $2980 to live in Abilene and get La Paupiuritos. What are people doing in Abilene that their rent is that much? You can't make that much money in Abilene, Texas. They're selling drugs to each other, essentially. Yeah, I guess you're right. Are they working at the data center? Ben sent us a listing for like a piece of shit trailer part.

Yeah, I sent it to you guys. Yeah, it was like $3,000 a month. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you sent it. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't look at it. I'm assuming a lot of people have moved in for the data center jobs, right? And it's just driven the price, like, housing costs up?

Is there anything in Abilene to do? I'm... Like, what's the hippest place in Avalin? Like, what's the... Monks Coffee Shop, like, was back in the day. That's where we started doing stand-up, open mics. Okay. Devin, I'm, like, literally trying to...

Do you think they have anything now? I think you nailed it, I think that's it. In these days, like, do you think they have, like, some... Do they have, like, a kava? Here, they... If you're paying that much money, you better have, like, a slot bowl place, right? They have slop balls, but it's, like, more... It's, like, more slots.

It's more dead to do. Yeah. Yeah. They have like a Jason's deli. Okay. They go Buckwild over Jason's deli. Okay. But I don't think it's like, I've heard from friends in college who are like,

I went back and the downtown's actually really happening. I don't trust them. They live in, they live in Irving, Texas. It's cope. Can you look up a YouTube video of like downtown Abilene, Texas, like current? Oh, you want me to show you? Yeah, I can show you right. I don't know what Abilene to me is like people with Permian Panther, you know,

signs out front and like they're just yelling about the team and there's nothing there. you want you want to okay well look we'll take you down memory lane here downtown abalone yeah current day and we might be wrong it might be hip it might be kicking yeah let's see who knows maybe sam altman brought it and you know what's the crazy thing is like we were talking about this is sam altman did this by just giving like a councilman like 30,000 dollars you know what I mean right right it wasn't like the town sold itself it's sold for millions of dollars like nobody saw that money yeah yeah it's just one bribed council it is edington it's the perfect film It is. It's always going to be relevant. Film of the decade. For forever and ever. I was listening to Burr versus Patrice. Oh, I love that. That's a great one. It's a really good one.

Yeah, brutal fight. Shit. Downtown Abilene. This is where I did my first open mic and the guy, people complained and called the cafe so much that they asked me to not come back. After I did the mic maybe five times. Yeah, there was a one. Your last time there was a woman with,

A white woman with dreads who taught black children, and she fled. She ran out of the room. The ultimate guide to downtown Abilene. Here, well, you want to see the down, you want to see the drive, Devin? Or do you want to see, like, some bitches talk about it? I don't know what these ladies are doing there. You want to see some horrors talk about it? Yeah, sure.

Put them on. Okay, cool. Hopefully I don't know them. Tanya and Caitlin. Caitlin, the Tanya Harbin team. Are they, like, real estate people? Possibly. since we've updated you on the downtown area,

and boy, has it been growing. So today, we're going to go show you around. Do you guys know that place? The Grace Museum? I know all these places. These are all places people would propose to their girlfriends. Yeah. I love that they're starting the video of like,

where to visit in downtown LA standing in front of a motel, you would kill a hooker inside of. That's how the video is. That's where they filmed the intro. This is Aberrain. This has been one of the biggest revitalization projects. I mean, it's so ugly. I know, yeah.

That looks like shit. That's crazy. That looks like shit. Just an entire, everything's tan. Motus. Welcome to the most, Bill. Inside, we have Rollshack, grain theory, the comments, K's on Pond. What?

Is that sushi, Rollshack? I have no idea. These are all new places. I'm K. Ellis, Leslie Beard. Much more. Definitely come check it out if you have it. It's really neat. Yeah, you can come and shop.

Wake up. Jesus. Come on, Tanya, Harbin. She's like, well, I'm on Fentinaw right now. Everybody in Abilene's doing Fentinau. It's the big new craze. So there's a bookstore. This is not in the Paramount Theater.

Yeah, we knew the Paramount Theater. Paramount, one of the most iconic theaters. So I think there, Jayce, you know the, there is an urban legend that started in Abilene. Do you know about it? What? It's called the black-eyed children. The black guy children?

No. The black-eyed children. There's a black guy and he's having kids. He's making... The black guy's children. They're making more. Ooh. Once there was two black people and they kept having kids.

Whoo. Hold on a. flashlight under his face. It's the black guy's children. Daddy tells the one about the black guy who had kids. Oh, I can't tell that. You mom get mad at me. Yeah, okay, so the black guy children, B.E.K. Urban legend.

Originated in 1996. In New York, Texas, when a reporter Brian Bethel encountered two children with solid black eyes in a movie theater parking lot. I knew it. Well, they were just seven-year-olds with diabetes. And it's both of their, all their nerve endings

are like severed, rot it off. Yeah. So it is a real thing. The children insisted on being given a ride by him. Here it is right here.

A lot of people in Aveline don't know about this, but I have stood outside the Paramount many times at like two or three a.m. Because there's nothing to do and we would just walk around downtown. And it's smoke cigarettes.

Yeah, it's so empty. Yeah. It's like the, it is, it does feel a little deliminal because of how empty it is. So it is a little creepy. He was sitting in his car outside a strip mall, writing a check. Suddenly the hair on the back of his neck stood up. He was jacked up.

He was not... He's writing a check. In his car at 2 a.m. is what he's saying. He was getting sucked off by a whore. Well, it says he was finishing a late shift at the local newspaper days. Come on. Give him the benefit of the doubt here. He could have been getting off of work and getting a blowjob from a big whore.

You're right. From the fattest horn town. A whore who can't fit in the pastures state, really? Yeah, she has to drive through. She's like, open the door, baby. I can't get through the window. Getting sucked off by a tarantula and a fong. Their eyes are black like a crack addict.

It's so scary. A black-eyed child. The black-eyed children are not the only malevolent creatures masquerading as the vulnerable. Yeah, it's like a changeling, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, or what's the Indian one, a Wendigo or something like that? Windago. Windago, yeah.

Some shit like that. Would be a great slur if it wasn't already taken. Windago? You can still use it. Is Windago a slur? No, I said it could be. It has the potential to be a good slur, but it's been used for the fairies. Yeah, it sounds slurry.

We'll get there one day. We'll take it back. Yeah, like Shakespeare will change the meaning eventually. But yeah, no, this was just a guy smoking crank in his, in a parking lot getting sucked off by a whore. And then he saw a kid with, like, fish-eye hops and contacts from Spencer's gifts, and he freaked out. There's a lot of those like that, like the Beast of Bray Road, where people have reported that they see a wolf man running beside them at 60 miles per hour with red eyes. And then it runs off into the night.

And many people have seen it on this one weird road in Wisconsin. Yeah. I wish I could, I would love to see them off man or something like that. That'd be pretty cool. To see one urban legend thing. Yeah, I've never seen anything. New Jersey Devil, another one. That was a very popular one.

Oh, is that a, yeah. Okay, that's where the Nersy Devils come from. Yeah, yeah, it's from the, they thought there was, like, a guy who was like a dragon with a horsehead or some shit like that. There's also a very fun one. I don't remember the guy's name. There was a guy who, like, got hit when he was a kid, he got shocked by, like, a down telephone pole and it, like, blew his face off. Like, you didn't have a face. That's awesome.

Like, his face literally, like, popped off, like, a Lego. And he lived his entire life in solitary, like, in his house. And he would go out for walks late, late at night. because he just wanted to get outside and be in nature. And every once in a while, somebody would stumble upon him. And so they were like, there was like an urban legend like the fucked up weird guy of sleepy, you know, sleepy village. And it was just a guy whose life who God hated and blew his face off. So he would probably like get the newspaper his mom brought to him.

And it would just be like, fucked up ugly guy. Right. Seeing again. And he's like, I just want to, I want to go outside sometimes. At 3 a.m. in the morning. I can't believe all three of us we've never had an encounter with some spirit of some kind of. Well, you know, one time there is a suicide bridge over in Pasadena. Yeah, they haven't like all gated off.

There's legend that like, you know, there's a lot, there's ghosts underneath it. Like this is all where like Jack Parsons, Alecester Crowley, like JPLs up there. A Goppae Lodge. There's a lot of like weird shit that, from back in the day that's around that area. And so in the, what's it called? the Jet Propulsion Lab? The Arroyo Seco. Which means the dry river.

It's supposed to be haunted. Is that what it means? I believe so. I thought it was a burrito. I thought it was a type of burrito. I thought it was a baseball player. I thought he had a 300 average. So there's apparently there's like, you know, that whole part of Pasadena is like very like kind of haunted feeling old money.

There is a spooky vibe around there. Garden Grove, like Orange Grove Street feels like, I mean, the houses feel look like plantations. Yeah. Isn't there like a haunted hotel? in Pasadena as well. I believe so. Yeah. And so there's a, you know, there's suicide bridge right there. So there's, people say there's like, you know, like night, like old-timey, like ghosts, like

1920s ghosts. So John and I, when we were like, really, really young, John Knopf and I went and tried to do, like he wanted to do like a trap, like a, like a spooky video. Like, let's see what happens. And we wandered down there at like 2 a.m. with our other buddy. And nothing has. It happened technically, but we did, like, like no country for old men style, like,

like car lights, like lit us up from, like, the back of us, like a truck. And that was weird, because I was like, this, we were literally like, it's like a hiking trailer, like, how was there a car here? Right. That happened. Then we kind of like turned it into like, oh, we started running.

And then as we ran, we ran past this, this, this bench. And there was literally, as we're running past this bench, I remember all of us had the same moment where we all looked over. And there was like an old guy dressed in like old, like 19. Like when we thought about it later on, I was like he was, he had like, he had like old glasses on and he had old clothes on. Like he looked like he was from like the 20s.

Yeah. And then we were like, did you see that guy too? We were like, yeah. And then we all like drove off. We were like, that was kind of, that was actually weird. Like also why is a guy sitting on a park bench at three in the morning? He's like, I was trying to fuck young boys. In a three piece suit.

Yeah, it was Jordan Peterson. he's crying about trans people so that's the closest I ever had to being like that was strange because that area we went to does is supposed like they say that that stuff is there but you know that was it it was just an old peddle why I think it man the headlights might have been like two guys

like in a veto suckoff I think the headlights were like local like whatever park like enforcement oh yeah yeah you never see ghosts like butt fucking or anything there's no reports that. No. No. I know. Because it's just gay guys. Do ghosts need it? Like, do ghosts need to, like, have release? Like, if you're a ghost, do you still need to, like, get your nut off? No one's ever had a story where they walked in and, like, they opened their room and a ghost was using their computer to watch porn and jack off. It's like, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were at home. I'm sorry.

Or like a ghost taking a shit. Just a ghost that, like, has to go through all of the normal things. Yeah, I don't know. I always try to. I don't believe in it. I always try to but I also try to reject all energy from that possible. I just never want that in my life. Yeah, I feel like it's one of those things

if you don't believe in it and it doesn't happen. Yeah. Like I push it away on purpose type of thing because I don't want to fuck with that type of stuff. I read too many of the scary stories to tell in the dark. It's kind of fun though. It must be fun.

Like there was a construction worker, a Mexican guy on my street. He was doing framing. And I was walking by, his Hyundai and on the back, I sent you guys a picture, there was an insanely scary clown mask on the back of his seat, and I'm glad my daughter didn't see it or she would have been terrified. And then when we walked by, I turned around and looked into the front and he had a giant Santa Maria hanging from, so it's like evil demon in the back, Christ's mom in the front.

They believe in both. He's like, I'm just retarded on both ends. It's fun to burn the candle at both ends like that, though. Yeah. They like pageantry. Yeah. They like just the most out of life. So they love the devil and God at the same time. That's why their fruit is like, it has like 900 calories. It's so funny to get a new car and be like, all right, I got to buy a devil. I got to buy a God. All right. Now, let me get off my Hollywood Horror Nights bumper sticker.

I got to buy an evil clown. Then I have to buy an angel who helps people and heals them. I got to get a pair of fuzzy dice with the Virgin Mary on them. I got to get truck nuts. Then I got to get the worst shitty CD of all time and Blair that shit. I gotta get the shittiest mariachi music of all fucking time. I gotta buy a CD that's called... You're walking into it. I got to buy a CD that's called mariachi music. It's called kitchen jams.

You ever walk by the site and you like... Did you guys not like one Metallica song? Nothing? No, they like they need the guy to be like, Ah, ha. Yeah, they need a Mexican guy's wailing. They drink after the job in the street every day. Yeah, their wife sucks.

At, like, five. Their wife sucks. They're like, fucking six years old. They're fucking installing drywall all day. They clock out. and then they drink outside their car. Yeah. And I'll walk by and I'll just wave.

And it looks like a great time. They're covered in shit. They're getting, they're like, they have to get fucked up before they go home. I know. They're shaped like critters. Yes.

The critters from outer space. Yeah, the weirdest builds of all time. I know. Because they're doing so much work and drinking so much alcohol. Yep. At the same time.

So they turn into little Charles Bukowski's. That's how hard they work, though. They have to get drunk immediately upon. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, yes. But they're turning into like, knuckles somehow because I always do do you ever see like the DUI videos where the

Mexican guy will get out of the truck and he can't stand up yeah of course yeah you see every time I see it I'm like just let him go man come on it'll be like 9 a.m. in Manhattan he's like I have no please no call please no no and he falls face down in the gutter and he's like in a big puddle and there's bugs crawling all over him he can't get up he's like please no sir please I have to get too much of working in the suit he's working 95 hour weeks. Please, I have to get to my age job. The guy's like, you're not contributing to society.

It's just, it's always a white guy filming him, too. But to be fair, you know, it's usually an 18-wheeler that's parked crooked in the middle of like, you know, like a freeway on-ramp. Oh, sure. They suck. Yeah. Actually, my favorite type of alcoholic is a little Mexican guy. Yeah. Oh, they're great.

No, they're great. Yeah. Aren't they unbelievable? They're amazing. They're amazing. They're beautiful. Stocky. they wear they wear like work boots to drink

Mandela they're so little I'm like you're not even really an alcoholic because you're too small to do any damage No they're all weirdly sexual with each other Yeah it's a weirdly sexual Family culture Yeah

A lot of estrogen big boobs big nipples Big boobs big nipples Have you ever drank with like a family of Mexico Like 25 Mexicans at once It does I've seen it get like weirdly Like talking too much about sex Yeah they're exactly They're sexual people.

Yeah, very sexual people. Yeah. Yep. Yep. The point. Like, even like a conservative, like, Republican, Mexican dad will eventually, we'll start making jokes about, like, railing the mom in front of everybody. Yeah, it's very, it's very weird.

It's very uncomfortable. And then they'll all drunk drive home, which I do support, but. Of course. Patreon.com slash lemon party, everybody. Patreon.com. Lemonparty. Dot life. A lot of people were asking me about getting that tour post right.

I uploaded that to Fourth Wall. So you should be able to get that on... On lemon party. Dot life. Click on the merch tab. Happy Mother's Day as well. Happy Mother's Day, of course, to all the mommy's out there. What Katie did.

Jeff Dye come over. Woo! Die got premonaacca. Yeah. That's good. Got his ass. Fucking got his ass. He unblocked me.

I'm waiting for him to DME. I reached out to him. I'd people reach out to him. We're going to make it happen. What did you say to him? I said, look behind you. I'm right behind you. No, no, no, you didn't say that.

TikTok, motherfucker. No, no, the war is over. It is over. No, it's a ceasefire. It's a ceasefire. It's a ceasefire. It's a ceasefire, obviously. And during a ceasefire, you've got to work things out.

And I think things are going to be worked out. It's a ceasefire. It's a ceasefire. Because the rocket exploded in your hand. It's a ceasefire. Yeah, because you're a nap. You're a big nap. You're waiting for your hands to grow back like a lizard.

Yeah, you have five fingers dangling from strains. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Funny. Crazy week. Yeah.

It's been a lot. We got back Boston. Crazy two weeks, actually. Yeah, we got the die. We got the joke world. I've been sick. I got Hennivirus immediately getting back on tour. Getting back from tour.

I'm actually getting followed by a lot of big comics. Yeah. That's cool. Big fat guys. You're friends with John Lovitz now. John Lovitz, that's sick. Your best friend John Lovitz. The great John Lovitz. Texting him.

Texting Lovitz. He's texting you like, you're losing your mind. And I'm reaping the benefits. He's hanging out with Jeff Dye. I'm best friends with die. I'm a die guy. Dairus. He had so many stories.

We were standing on the main room, and he was like, I remember being here with like Robin Williams. He was just standing, like, looking around. He's like, he goes, Robin would always be doing this thing over here. I was like, I just, I hung out with him for so long after the show. We just, he wanted to talk about, like, death and stuff. Yeah. And then he just told me about, like, the, what the store was to him in the, I guess it was the late 70s?

Yeah, yeah. Early, like, 81, 82. I think he was on SNL, like, 77 to 82. No, no, no, no. He was, like, mid-80s, like late 80s. actually. Late 80s, early 90s. I thought he was on during like the kind of the

Chevy. I remember him doing the... John Lovitz? Yeah, I remember I'm doing the liar. He was a Dana Carvey guy. He was like 86 to like 93, like type of guy. Okay, maybe I'm off on that.

Yeah, yeah. But he was probably starting getting into stand-up at that time. Probably so, yeah. So that's where his memories came from. That's great, man. That's very cool. No, he rocks.

But you had a crazy week. He sent me the selfie. You became best friends with Jeff, John Lovitz. I forgot about the, they always, at the S&L anniversaries, they announced who was a cast member that since died. And they always put John Lovitz on the list. Oh, really? Where they're like people that have passed away in Memorial,

SNL, former cast members, and that it'll say John Lovitz. That's a very funny bit. And then it'll cut to him and he'll be like that. That's a very funny bit. When he does die, they shouldn't put him on the list. 85 to 90 yeah yeah

Tommy Flanagan the pathological liar yeah I love that character yeah yeah see yeah he had a character

also called annoying man it was a character who irritated others with his high-pitched voice and constant presence honestly I love him

just because I watched rat race for some reason like maybe 60 times he was hit I don't know why I saw a million times as a kid too

yeah did they just run it on TV like crazy I remember seeing in theaters I think it was like it was just a big deal for our generation. Yeah.

Smash mouth. Like they have, they all, you know, they wind up at the smash mouth concert at the end. All-Star was big. Mr. Bean was in it also. That was a big deal. Yeah. Transporting the Heart, which was hilarious. Yeah, dog eats the heart, runs off with it.

John Levitson ends up being Hitler at a big rally. Exactly. We love Rat Race. I love Rat Race. And I hate it's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. Fuck, it's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. Yep. Yeah.

It's too hateful. Yeah. It's a man my world Is it very good as well? I watched it much later in my life Fantastic same Is there an unrated version of Ratt Race Where you get to see the titties?

Yeah, there's one where they teddy fuck John Lovitz No, no, no, remember the lady shows her tits? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, to Seth Green and the other guy Because they keep showing their piercings And they trade up Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She shows... I don't know.

Maybe. I think it's a PG-13 movie. I always imagined what those tits looked like, though, when I was a kid. That was a big... That's when they made comedies. That's when they made, like, big comedies. I believe that's 2000 or 2001. Yeah.

Every year there was a new comedy called like, like dice game or something like that. Kathy Bates is the squirrel lady. And she tells them to go down the wrong road. And it's like, you should have bought a squirrel. They fly up the corner. It's actually a masterpiece. Oh, yeah, whoopee Goldberg. It's actually a masterpiece.

The only comedy we love is rat race is the 2000 movie rat race. They don't do it like they used to, Bob. John Cleese was the best straight man in the game. Love rat race. Yeah. Shame. Shame. Happy Mother's Day, folks.

Hug your mom. Every Mother's Day to all the moms up there. We love you, mom. And only you today. It's Mother's Day. And shout out to joke world. God bless you, buddy. Shout out to joke world.

Shout out to die. Shout out to friends. me zang lovers today. Shout out to them all. I need to take more day quill because my brain's fading. I haven't been able to pull like nine words this episode. This is the weirdest week.

I hung out with Matt Rive for 20 minutes. And he was talking to me like we were equals. I know. What does that even mean? And why are these people charming and nice? And charismatic? Because that's the whole thing. That's why it works.

But it doesn't work for the bits because we say, That's why we do bits about... Well, that's why we have to stay away, like, a decent amount. We actually have been meeting you to talk to you. You've been kind of... You're being... I was invited to the festival. I get it, I get it.

I get it. You got to... By the great Louis Gomez and Big J. Fantastic. It sounded amazing and I'm really happy. But you got it back enough. But stop talking to people. It's ruining.

It's going to ruin our hate. Yeah. I'm invited to Skank Fest. You're invited to Skankfest. Get out there. I don't know what I'm doing there, but I'm going. You're doing the Tim Dillon show. My chine.

My chine. My chine. I got to be. All right. Goodbye. I got to take work. My chine. My chine.

Don't you like my chine mine? Y'all I'm goochie mine and I'm popping off the chide. Mine. And my check a bit so fruity. Call me Gucci mine. No, you call me Gucci. My chain, don't you like my chain mine? Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain mine

And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci Mine No you call me Gucci Gucci I came to the club Just to fuck my chain line Catch another charge and I'm going to the chain guy Bologna sex and white screen Don't you see how bright it is

City girls and country girls be telling me how tight it is Be so sparkingly they think my chain I was moving. Bunch it off and ball the chite. Don't you like my chine, mine. Yon Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain. And my Jacob is so fruited. Call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci, Gucci.

My chain, my chain. Don't you like my chine, mine. Y'am Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain. And my Jacob is so fruited. Call me Gucci mine. No, you call me Gucci Gucci. You be shy. Gucci.

You turn me on. Yellow stones hollin' hollin. To my shoes. You love my chain. My chain. You thought a go about stupid Don't you like my chain mine Yon Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain

And my Jacob is so fruited I ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci My chain my chain Don't you like my chain mind You're gonna goochie mine and I'm popping off the chain And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci

My first chain I had to rob for it Jesus peace yellow diamond sitting all in it I'm on some slick brick shit 2006 Mr. T Diamond's so bright Ain't a way you can't see the G Look I don't dance I just lean with it My piece is sick

Gary Robert trying to leave with it I got that New York fitted on Full suit dicky on Blue stones in a nigga charm Now watch me do it Do it with no hands Traps when he craned on that bezel And that band

A wife but my chain Got my girlfriend Don't you like my chine mine When I'm popping off the chagin'all Am I Jacob is so fruited You call me Gucci Gucci. My chain, my chain. Don't you like my chain?

I ain't young Gucci mine, and I'm popping off the chain. And my Jacob is so fruiting. I ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci.