lemonparty - 204: Sam Tallent 2

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

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Good evening, everybody. Welcome back to Limit Party. Special guest, Sam Talent, has returned. Here's his book, Brute. Go get it in any local bookstore. Best way to support him. And listen to his podcast, Chubby Behemoth with Nathan Lund. Very funny, very great show. And SamTalant.com for all his dates. We did record the episode in this studio. I'm at the podium. We didn't have enough chairs, but I got a roadcaster with four inputs. It was fun. There will be a Patreon coming out after the video. this episode that I'm about to edit with me, Jason Devin in this studio. We're not changing the studio. A lot of people might freak out about this. It's just a, we just recorded the episodes in this studio for one week only. So hope you guys enjoy. Also, please come out to the comedy store. Next Friday, September 18th, 10 p.m. They gave us a late show. Secret lineup should be a lot of fun. They usually sell out. So get tickets at Ben Avery. Live.

Now, enjoy the show. You should sit on top of the podium like humpty dumpy. You should. You should kind of crouch. Legs dangling over the front of that. Like that great reference you made that everyone understood. Here, you stand up. No,

I'm the guest. You should stay in. Are you crazy? Yeah, so how long have you guys been in this setup? Oh, we're not in this. We just,

we do it at my place usually. But it's, it's pretty small space. Okay. Yeah. Well, now, how small is it if you thought that I couldn't fit in there?

Well, I was going to be like, well, Sam lost weight so we can do it now. Yeah. Me and Sam both lost weight, but we're still both too fast. It's just not that comfortable. We could have been on that teeter totter finally.

Yeah, exactly. Neither of us get launched. Oh, yeah, turn on the Insane-o strobe light, I assume. Doctor Terrible? Yeah, this is good. Oh, were we not on? No, we are. We are.

Oh, we are. Oh, God. We're not recording. Because that was so hot. We're just going to hang out. Guys, I like hanging out with you. I'm overjoyed to be here after the slog of podcasts that I've done since arriving. Great people, hard workers, Americans like us, but, you know, you guys are like actually my buddies.

Sure. I haven't seen Jay since he got hot. Exactly. Jason's hot, isn't he? We're both hot now. I know, isn't it? Something else? Yeah, it's kind of too much, I think.

We should have took it, we should take turns, I think. Well, so you have it on the West Coast. Right. And I'm in Detroit holding it down. Okay. Yeah. I'm doing the Dan from Roseanne out there. The Dan from Roseanne?

How much sex do you think you've had because Dan from Roseanne was on? Uh, probably like three or four. Three or four, a hundred probably. because you're a legendary coxman. It's kind of like how when Lilo and Stitch hit, you got a bunch of pussy. Because everyone, you know? I don't know.

Or like, you know, you know, when there will be blood came out and all of a sudden you were wet constantly. I'm just saying that Dan from Roseanne was a big fat guy. Right. I feel like I'm talking to Rickles, but I'm confused. It's like talking to Rickles at the end. Don Pickles.

Yeah. Yeah. Tommy's dad. Yeah. Yeah. Rickles, but I've had a head injury. Yeah, Rickles who drowned for two minutes. Underwater Rickler.

I got gone by the Rickler. That would have been good. Did you ever do a podcast with Don Rickles before? No, no, but I do have a Ouija board. And if we want to get to it now, we can. He called you a hockey puck through letters. What are you listening to? The fighter and the kid?

Yeah, how did you know we were watching that? Well, because you have headphones in. How did you know that? Yeah. Well, they've been vlogging themselves. going around Austin trying different pizza. What? Finally.

All right. They've yet to find a good slice. That's possible. They're doing a Richard Linklater's hacker. Rape and Confused was another one, but we can come that off. Rape and Confused. Come on. Come on.

It's good. Right through the upright. Oh, yeah. So you guys, you guys are here in this house. I love the lighting. It's good. It's a good place. Andy Dixon in the other room.

Yeah, Andy Dixon there and Jigsaw is waiting for the space. Oh, dude, David Bory was telling me that clown has taken over Eastside L.A. comedy. Clowning? Yeah. Oh, clowning. Yeah. Yeah, that was like right when we quit was like people were like, I'm getting into clowning. But I think the clowns won, according to David.

They did win. Yeah, they did win. The clowns of one. They're all over town. But they're selling fruit. Oh, sure. Yeah. Wait, are they actually, too?

I can believe anything. The fruit vendors in my neighborhood have a little, eh, they have like a little horn. Okay. You know, to like alert you that they're around. So I just assume that that's all people

that went to clowning school. Yeah. Okay. So you guys are, you guys are okay with the clowns. I don't even know what, what is the people that learn how to pretend to hold onto a rope.

It's like Bufant. It's people that are like, yeah, yeah. But why is what, why is that allowed? Because they got an MFFO. Because they have to now.

You guys aren't being mean enough to people. What am I doing? I never hear you from here. You got to be meaner to clowns. The clowns took over your territory. You know them. I don't know them. You just brought them up.

I just did a lot of JFL auditions with them between 2012 and 2019. See, I never see the clowns. I've never run into a guy. You smell them. I guess you have, I have seen. I mean, if you've had a waiter, you've seen a clown. Yeah, for sure. If someone's parked your car.

Yeah. So are they still doing stand-up, but they're using their clowning skills to be bad at stand-up in a different way. I don't know, dude. Because that's what I heard. It was people were like, I used to, I was a hardcore feminist and then Joe Rogan became even bigger. Now I'm going to clowning school.

And I haven't talked to any of those people since then. So I don't know what they're doing with that. Well, it's been the best for both of you. Okay. If you're not talking to the clown people. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want them to be your squad.

Yeah. It feels like it is a response to, it's like going back to square one, you know, like how to, like I went to school to learn. had to blow away an imaginary wind. Right. Yeah. Like something that would, it's like playing,

you know, like old comedy of like a guy going like this and then be like, peekaboo. Oh my God. He's there now. So it's. It does kind of feel like you have an invisible mouse in your pocket

and you have to like feed it stuff all day. Yes. Yeah, you're in the green miles. It's like whimsical and stupid. Right. And a waste of time. The way a lot of people like watch he's bound and down and they think Danny McBride

kicks ass. Uh, people did that with Zach Alphanakis in baskets. where they go, they literally like, I should go to Paris and study to be a clown. Oh my God. Because, you know, Sasha Baron Cohen, obviously, is a clown.

He's a classically trained clown. He's got a degree? Yeah, from Buffon school. Steve. Oh. You guys know Steve-O? Oh, yeah. Luminary.

Yeah. Also a clown. They were? Yeah, they were trained in Jerusalem. Yeah. Sasha Baron Cohen and Steve. Yeah, he pulls out a big imaginary bazooka and fires it into Palson. That's his clowning.

Would Howie Mandel like these jokes? You know what? Howie's down to clown? So I think that this would fit right in. Now, did you shake his hand? Did you get your hand all derby and shake it? Yeah, does he do the fist bump? But then he pulled up a clip of me on the Adam Friedland show saying that he shook hands the last time I met him.

He had like an entire dossier of Sam Talent highlights talking about Howie Mandel. Well, didn't you like annoy the shit out of him on Matt and Shane? No, we were doing a bit that no one understood. So it looked like I was mad at him and that he was rude. I thought he was just rude. I know. Yeah. I was classic vaudeville. So this conversation dominated the first half of the podcast that I just did with Howie. And now knowing what I do about Howie, he will for sure be watching this. So say hi to Howie.

Hello, Howie. He's my landlord. How's it going? Hey, Howie. I know on the first. I like every day. Every day you have to pay rent. Every day is the first. He doesn't in one of the Dior. no-deal suitcases. He makes how he picks. It's either 3,000 or 15,000. Yeah, and then he's on a tricycle like Bobby's World. Yeah. Bobby's World, wow. You don't remember Bobby's World? No, I do. I just

haven't thought of it in 35 years. I have because I hung out with Bobby's World earlier. That's the only reason. You're doing like the Chris Farley show, but for Bobby's World? It's like, so how many, like, how many episodes did you like write for? You know how like you're Canadian, but like you guys were from Minnesota in the show? Was that like to make it more popular with American audiences? And he's like, my daughter's over there. She's loose as a goose. Did you actually like tricycles when you were a kid?

Yeah, yeah. He has an AI, like, a laboratory in his warehouse. A laboratory? He has a hologram laboratory. And he can also, didn't he say Becker that he can shoot the Mandalorian in there? Oh, sure. Oh, about the AI factory. Oh, really?

I didn't know that. He has like the holodeck from Star Trek or something? No, no. He has nothing, according to my lawyer and best friend, Jake Becker. All right. What he has is a right. to silence. I don't want to be crushed by Howie.

Howie? He got us taking off YouTube. Yeah, we're trying to get back. I know. No, no, you guys are on kick. We're on kick now. Yeah,

we're about to sign a deal with Ben Shapiro. That's good. We just started doing Chud the Builder stuff to get a bigger audience. Where's Chud from, Nashville?

Right? So, like, we were at Zanis in Nashville in Lund, my podcast co-host was doing Chud the Builder stuff, and everyone was kind of like, all right, move it along. It was a dark. saying the alert of black people?

Yeah. Yeah, he was just seeing like, that Chud guy was up to no good and everyone's like, come on. Come on, he's a local legend. We like to talk about Dallie Pardin.

Yeah, let Chud live. By the way, name is Adaltern Eitherly. So. Dalton Eaterly. Eitherly, yeah. Okay.

That sounds like a Babylonian god. Yeah. Doesn't it? It doesn't sound like the name of a race scientist. Yeah. It's appropriate. Yeah.

What happened to Chud? You what happened to him? You went to prison. and I think he's out. I saw him tweeting. Oh, good for him. I think. They put him on a work release program.

The last big, they put him on a chain gang to show him what it's really like. He keeps busting the rocks into N-words. They're making him sing songs and shit. He hates it. It's all David Allen Co. He keeps singing Oak Ridge Boys instead.

I'm the Marshall Tucker band. There was a crazy guy one time in Denver. I was on a field trip as a kid and he was just screaming, I am the Marshall Tucker band. Was he? No, he just said crazy man. He was one guy. So that kind of, you know, cuts band out of the equation.

Don't, uh, don't need to recently, there was a big exposee from a trans woman that he, she used to go over to his Nazi shack and suck him off while they would watch Comtown clips. Is that true? Yeah, I swear to God.

I think that the, you know, the way this show is going, Lemon Party and the fandom, you're going to wind up in one of those. For sure. as the trans person or the sucky. Hey man, whatever pays better. Who does?

He's got a family. I don't know. I just feel like you're going to wind up in a manifesto. I sometimes I do worry about that. You guys will be okay. Oh, but Ben specifically. Ben was written about by Tyler Robinson.

Oh, wow. Yeah. What hottest boys, 2025? Yeah. Here, he were on a lot of those lists. Have you showed them your pants?

Oh, the, here you go. Look at Sinbad's in town, folks. That's bigger pants, yeah. Yeah. There's a write-off now that you showed them. Pretty good. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Now, where's the carpet they came with? Whoops. You look like an organ grinder. It's all things a prank. Yeah. Yeah. So, Devin, I've heard the rumor mill. You're single.

Is that right? Yes, I am. How is it? How are you doing out there? You're a handsome, funny, vivacious guy. It's, you know, it's okay. It's okay. I'm kind of, I don't know. I don't know. I'm good right now. Good. Yeah. What happened to her? Massad called her home. The compromise job was over?

She just, I don't know, one day she got on the rug and flew away. Well, every time Ben's pants flat, you can think of it. That triggers you. Yeah. No, it's okay. It's fine. Yeah, no, I heard about that and I was like, man, that guy's really funny and, like, a classically handsome and all. also like brown? You have that brown thing kind of? Kind of, yeah. He is brown with a question mark.

It's a brown question mark. Yeah, I kind of say whatever I'm talking shit about that I am. My man. It's kind of a good move. It's a good way to go. If you have any olive skin, you can just be like, I'm that. Yeah, yeah. Shut up.

I'm a Sephardic Jew. Exactly. Who farted? Who? Very good. I didn't want a very good this early. Who do you think is responsible for very good? You or Andrew Polk?

So I think, I thought the very good thing came from you. Yeah, I've kind of been saying since high school. Okay. My buddy and like me and Joey have been saying it for a long time. I always attributed to Joey. Cool. I got the I'm gay from Andrew Polk. Of course.

Yeah, yeah. I got my last half hour from Andrew Polk. Don't tell him. This is like Led Zeppelin finally crediting blues musicians. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Well, Polk somewhere right now taking it off of his neck, you know.

The noose is coming off, he's off the stool. And putting it on another guy. Yeah, yeah, who's having sex with. Yeah, who's jerking it off. So they can both come. Very good. Very good. No, I'm doing it.

Now, you're very good. I've been very gooding so much. I do it on our pod all the time. So we're all very good guys. What are the origins of you with a friend in high school saying very good? Is that what that's from? I don't remember you. I just been saying it's so long that I have no memory.

You don't even remember the first one. Jilly and I haven't saying it with each. other forever. We always did like a transatlantic voice when we would do it like very good. So we made like a Reddeter's sketch where we're like all fans of like Burke Chrysher or something. Yeah. Something like that. And then Joey kills us all at the end. Yeah. It was very good. We're all saying very good and stuff. But my memory of it was Joey would be almost blackout, uh, drunk on the couch and I would make some joke that was semi passable. The Bill Maher of jokes. And he would just go, very good. And then like burp in his mouth.

throw up. It's an in-person L-O-L. Yeah. You know, like how an L-O-L is kind of like, I know what it is. I know what it is. I'm going to explain

why very good is funny, Professor. I'm sorry. Now I know where she left. Hey, guys, if you have that little nicotine devil on your shoulder, Lucy makes a hell of a pouch.

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One more time, Shopify. com slash lemon party. Thank you, Shopify and all of our sponsors and now back to the show. You hear about this? Got me off the podcast, then on the podcast. You look like you're the judge of very good. It's like you're rendering verdicts up there.

Oh, deciding. Yeah. If something is cringe enough and sucks enough ass. Oh, what? I didn't know about that. I thought it was like a... It was a good. It was good.

Yeah, we're okay. It was good. We're just defensive. You're like I'm at Fowies. This is a fraternity. Yeah. Yeah. You're about to take your pants off and pretend that my butt is a turtle's mouth.

Shove your cock in there. Yeah. Yes. You paint my ass green. Uh, yes. Oh. It's like I'm down in Tulane. Were you guys all college guys?

I didn't go to college. Devin never did. Devin did. Devin did just Catholic school, if you can believe it. Whoa. He's like a Lebanian? What's that? Are you Caldean? Caldean.

Yeah. I don't know what that is. Like the Middle Eastern Catholics? No. No. No. I just went to Catholic school because it was like a decent school. Good place to meet guys.

Good place to meet men. Yeah. Yeah. I mean like the priest. Yeah. Yeah. So you guys are all from the, the gods of Abraham.

You guys all worship under his, his dress. Yeah, I guess Devin is technically like a Lebanese Jew. What? He went to Catholic school. I wasn't raised anything. My parents started going to Mass just to get me into the fucking school.

I didn't know Devin was Jewish. To make them think we were. Sorry. That's a little bit. My grandmother on my dad's side is Jewish, but they don't. My dad didn't. I think she's in the closet about being a Jew, though.

Let's listen to him. She hasn't come out yet. So my dad is like half Jewish and Italian. but they weren't like raised Jewish as well and they were the Jews that were like shit on by the hoity tooty ones what is that Sephardic I believe White Jews

The Sephardic ones were the I think the ones that were like Considered like lower Or whatever because they got too much sun or something Oh yeah they were browner They were like browner They went to the beach a few times Yeah they were always doing chin up Yeah they spent so much time at Brighton Beach

So they were kicked out Yeah Their Cameros were too loud I remember I just know my grandma was treated like shit And she didn't want any association With the Jew shit But she was obviously like an old Jewish woman from Brooklyn.

My grandma was Mexican and she was like, I didn't, she like purposely forgot the language because she didn't have any good memories speaking it. Oh, was she brown Mexican? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Like of the caves of northern New Mexico. Oh, geez. Yeah, yeah.

Caves and canyons. They're pretty cool. You'd love it. From the caves. What a hermetic. Yeah, yeah. Love it. Exactly hermetic.

Yeah. Not a troglodyte. I would never cast that word around. Never a trog? No, she was a normal, didn't live in the sewers. you know, just in a canyon. One of those... One of those normal ones.

Yeah. She did eat mule meat and donkey meat and wore donkey shoes. Oh, wow. Donkey shoes. Yeah, they were mulegoals from Mound town. They were from Wagon Mound, New Mexico.

That's commitment to the whole... Could you see, like, donkey parts on them? Like, ears and hooze and stuff? It wasn't battle gear. Okay. Yeah, no. It wasn't an animal... It wasn't like two donkey heads.

She wore, like, sneakers. Yeah. I just imagine her with... One of them looks like slash. Yeah. It's like Nike Cortez is for Indians. Dr. Savago. Yeah.

No. Next year, your grandma, I never knew. I didn't know. You got a little Louis thing going on. Thank you. You could,

you could, you know, you could use that if you ever want to tell. You know, there's a lot of allegations out there. Yeah.

About me masturbating. I never did it. Oh, I didn't mean. I never did it. You've never, you've never, you've never,

you've never spilled my seat. I have no need. Yeah. You're like it in a big cup. Huh? You're fucking all that you just, Oh, I keep it in a big, like a 44 ounce. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because you read the Old Testament. Every one of them. Summer dust. You have like an old... That's time. Yeah. You have like an old room full filing cabinets.

I do. Yeah. It's all petri dishes. And all the growths are my babies. It looks like the movie Contagian. Yes. You go back there, you're like, ah, eighth grade. What a year.

Yeah. I have to wear a mask to visit my grandkids. Hey, didn't you get into plants recently? Yeah. So speaking of horticulture. Uh-huh. Jason just got into the staghorn. thing.

What's that? I bought a big staghorn fern. You ever heard of that? No. It's a giant fern that gets, they mounted on a piece of wood. It looks like a deer head. Cusa,

some Bucco dollars. Where it's inside? Yeah. Devin's the voice of reason, and I keep looking at him when I can't tell which brother's more evil. Well, he likes plants.

You don't want to talk about plants? I don't know if I was not going to ask you about your plants. I don't know if you're setting me up for the staghorn thing. I got a Japanese beast, Lily. I'm in love with it. It's like one of those where it comes. out of the, yeah.

There you go. Oh, these are cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are very neat. So they get so big, you have to keep buying new wooden planks for them to sit upon. Yeah,

they can get like the size of like half a car or something. Awesome, man. Yeah, do you have other plants that you're growing? My fiance has, I just bought it for her because she got,

she just got a pretty bad surgery. Oh, no. Yeah. Do you have one of your horns removed? Yeah, I fucked it too good. Gordor? Yeah. I had to get surgically removed.

Yeah. I fucked you too good. We melted together. Oh, sure. Had to get grafted. No, she had... Reese's syndrome. She got hit by a car a long time ago,

so she gets, she gets, uh, she has to go like mouth surgery. Was it your car? You got her? That's how we met. It was a, it was a meat cute at a very fast speed.

70 mile an hour meat cute. Yeah. So she just got it. She got a surgery, so she's laid up. So I got her a, I went to the plant store and I go, what would a white woman like?

Yeah. And they said this. So I got it. I just like, because it looks like a, it looks like a, it looks like a vegan Republican thing, which I like.

It does. Right. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. Jace is stealing right-wing aesthetic a little bit. He has a watch for a guy that open carries with Jim shorts. Mm-hmm. And I might.

You got the stone cold shirt, but he belongs to everybody. Exactly. We can't politicize Austin. Yeah, I like to flirt with the Republican. I've been thinking about, again, the rubber wedding ring. I don't know if you've ever tried that. Yeah. So black rubber.

So you can hit her harder. Yeah. So it'll bounce off. It doesn't hurt your finger. I can reload quicker. Exactly. Yeah. It's better for the ligaments.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Dude, if you see a guy with that wedding ring, oh, yeah, I know. You better keep him away from your daughter. That guy rapes and hits. For sure. Yeah, and he's probably in the union.

Mm-hmm. God damn. Yeah, so he's protected. 100%. No, I thought about getting one, but yeah, they just looked to, like, I was like Googling, like, rubber wedding rings,

and there was, like, ones with the skull on it. Mm-hmm. And then the next one I had Deadpool on it. And I was like, I think I'm good. You're good. On the rubber wedding ring. I'm also trying on a new look. What's your,

gay man. It kind of looked like a poacher. Thank you. You drink gin and tonics under large trees in the Sahara. Just the fact that you didn't say something awful, I just would thank you. Thank you. You fake laughed at it. You're like,

I like, I was ready for it to be something awful. It also starts with a pee. You just killed like the last, you know, animal on earth or something. I looked like the pastel king, like the yellow kings. And you got the fancy brother. Do you have the easies on there? You got like the, yeah.

Big marshmallow shoes? You look like a D1 athlete on his day off. Thank you. Yeah. If he's on the fencing team. Yeah. No, I got these Nike mines because they're supposed to, you know, awaken the athlete in me.

No, they're fucked. Nike's not good anymore, man. Dude, they have these like balls inside of them. They're supposed to connect you to the earth. Uh-huh. Yeah, but like they don't do. Like grounding shit. Grounding.

Yeah. Grounding for life. I like the balls. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. All of the, uh, foamy clogs.

you might as well just get crocs at this point. Do you guys get black swindled easy? Black swindled? I'm kidding me? I fucking, yeah, I'll buy shirts off of Instagram like when I'm too drunk. Yeah. And it's always terrible quality. Right.

Yeah. I went into getting my new glasses in Detroit where I live and this like older black woman was like, oh, they ain't ready for those, baby. And I paid $400. That's how they get you too. I was so easily manipulated. Yeah. Just her enthusiasm for my new look.

Like, oh, you're going to hurt them. And I was like, here you go. Oh, yeah. No, she saw you walk in. She's like, here's another white retod. Sure. Going to gutter hit him with two baby dolls. I'm going to take his money.

Baby, you're going to be selling out stadiums in these. Baby, you look like a poach of gin and tannis. Oh, baby. You write a book and a night on these. Baby, these got trifocals on them. Oh, man. I did, I hit her with a hearty all right now. All right now.

All right now. That's the key. Well, like a grand Torino. All right. All right now. If you see like an only black guy outside on the street and you want to strike up a convo, just hit him with them. All right now.

Okay. Right away. All right. That's good. Oh, okay. It makes sense. Why you would be unaware of this phenomenon?

You ever done a bet? You ever said bet? No, never tried that one on. You ever had a guy with like a big chief or something like that? Big Chief, Haas, dadio. Oh, yeah. I've hit dudes with cowabungas. Just raw cowabongas.

Yeah. They like that more. And then skateboarded away. Yeah, fell down. Listen to the chair. strain. I miss you guys, man. I got to see you guys in Austin.

That was cool. That was cool. Yeah. That was very weird. Oh, you're weekend at the mothership. That was a hoot. You guys came down and blessed me.

We hung out in the dark at Mitzies. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Under the sign. Yeah. Under the sign. Get it together, bitch. It's like.

It's a long way to the top, Sammy T. If you want to rock and roll. What do you have to say, nasty man? You don't like. like that memory of rock and roll before you go on stage to kill God with your truth? What the hell, man? Last passion of free speech, man. I'm a warrior poet, motherfucker. That's how we talk.

What's back here? No, I get it. I think it's... That's Andy Dick. Is that Maton? The show ends when Andy Dick kills you. Yeah. I need to get sucked. Everybody out.

He's in the raptors with a big laser on you right now. Yes. He comes around every El Nini out and carries him in. Yeah. He just sees the form of buddy. He travels by kites. He's wearing half a mask and playing a big organ in the back. Yes.

You guys have the same lighting as Mitzies in here. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. We're saving up for the neon signs. Good. That's our next goal. Yeah. And all the albums.

Yeah. Were you guys in the green room that time when Polly Shore walked in and was like, hey, when am I going on? And they were like, oh, you're not on the lineup, Polly. And he went, come on. My mom owns the place. And then like everyone had to be like, no, no, she doesn't. Yeah, she does it.

At the mother ship he said that? Yeah. He got the light. He's like, Oh, the lights, fuck. They reminded me. Oh, he said it every night of his life for 40 years. Yeah.

And it was really funny to see him be like, oh, yeah. And then you just kind of leave. It was brutal. And then Brian Callan came in and everyone was like, you're the best. Number one. You're the gym. Never did anything wrong to anybody.

They're all lying. Everyone, all the women blew their whistles. Every one of them's lying. A bunch of life alerts went off. Sounds like the World Cup when he walks in. voo fevers and thunder sticks. That's great. I did, I did go to, uh, the, you remember the old podcast studio in the basement of the

comedy store? Yeah. Back in the day. I went down there a couple times and there was clearly a couch that he had just fucked a lot of women on. Like they were like, take a seat and I look at a black couch like covered in dry, like white come. Yeah.

And I was like, I'm okay. Yeah. Either that or Ralphie Mae ate a bunch of donuts on it. That's true. He just sweated all the sugar out. It's in memory. Yeah, in memory. They can't throw it away because he bent it.

They can't get it up the door. I'll tell you what, that guy's so beloved that no one has a sense of humor about making fun of him. Ralphie Mae. I tried to make a bunch of fun jokes about him on podcasts and stuff. Like, everyone's always like, oh, come on. Interesting.

There's a doc touring about him, right, that his ex-wife made? I don't know. It's called, like, May Day or something like that. It's about how, like, he was like a piece of shit. Yeah. Oh, is it? It's like a hit piece on him? It's like,

I think it's like a hit piece document. What? Do we need that? He wasn't like some titan. It would be funny if you like went and saw it and it's just like he was so fucking fat. Like there was nothing else to. Like he was a nice guy. His wife's like describing shit.

Yeah, apparently it's like a hip piece doc about Ralph and Matt. I don't know. I don't know. I heard stories that you would like grab women's asses. Oh, no. he thought they were hamburgers. He thought it was his.

He was trying to take a big bite. He thought it was a calzone. He goes, ooh, two bell buns. That's funny. You have to go in front of a judge in your defenses. I thought that it was food. Your Honor, I'm too fat to rape. My blood sugar was crashing.

The whale defense. I do love a guy so fat that women always accuse him of blocking doorways. But it's just as... You swear. Whatever he called me, he would be breathing him. He trapped me in a water slide. I was in that play place for eight hours. He blocked me from seeing the sun.

Oh, man. That would be a tough one for a big fat guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When did he die? Was it like 10 years ago he's been dead? 2009, maybe? That long ago?

I feel like it was a lot longer than we think. It seems like yesterday. Yeah. And again, we're not telling any tales at a school. The man was enormously fat. Yeah. 2017, no, never mind. Yeah, 2017 at the age of 45 from hyperintensive cardiovascular disease.

Yeah, yeah, I could have on the last part. And he only died at 45. We have to bring this guy down a peg. Hmm. Huh. Yeah, it sucks. I mean, he was like super generous and a good comment. I heard.

That's what I've heard. Yeah. It's like not. I just want to make fun of him for being a big fat guy. Of course, which is deserved it. Yeah. Right. Thank you.

And I loved his, uh, cuba diving bit. One of my favorites back on the day. It was, I think the bit is he went to see open water in a black movie theater and the black people kept going

like, look, white people, Cuba diving. Ain't ever kept me Cuba diving. And I'm like, that's fantastic. I remember him on Last Comic Standing when I was a kid. It was him and that fan. And he lost because he kind of,

that fan could stand longer. Yes. Yeah. If it was last comic standing, first in a heart team. It turned into American Ninja Warriors. Hey, Jace. Excelsior.

Upward and onward, my friend. Slam dunk. Swish, as we say. But yeah, no. Has it been a Rive thing? That's cool. Oh, shit. I have the,

thank you for telling me to try. No, giving the crossover. This is the crossover. It's a crossover. Yeah. And it is you and you're alive. It's not a Kiron.

What do you call those? I think it's a, uh, Kiron runs on the bottom. I think so. Yeah. But Kiron's like Ralphie made that at 45. Right.

We'll put that across the bottom. We're joke world, but we're 10 years ago. Yeah. You should cut to a different broadcast after you do that. Oh, cut to the, God, fucking the old newscaster guy with the glasses. Walter Cronkite? Yeah, cut to Walter Cronkite. Bad news for laughter and joyers.

Ralphie Mae, dead at 45. Stone. The time is 3.50. The wait is also 3.50. 350. He's gone. He died of, get this.

Get this, folks. Hold on. I have to take my glasses off to read this number. He shit himself to death. The toilet then took its own life. When they're that fat, they can't even put them on like the easy bake trays, like and slide them in the morgue.

In the freezer, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's like a special morgue. Yeah. Because don't they put them on ice? The morbid morgue. Yeah. It's the morgue.

M-O-R-E. That suck, dude. You find out that you're so fat that you're in a special morgue. Yeah, where, like, they have to quarter you, like you're a cow.

Like beef. Yeah. They call you a head. They don't even call you a human being. I think they had to, like, put them on ice. Like it was like a buffet or something. Like,

like, when you're at a wedding and there's like an open seafood thing. Yeah. Yeah. That was just him. He was like a kitty fool full of beers. Yeah. But it was a human's body.

Just go in the back rub a little bit of Ralphie if you want. And you blow it when you die too, which is Yeah, crazy. Yeah. Nuts. Brutal. You brought him up. I had no idea when we were getting into the guy that died nine years ago.

You probably worked with him, right? You probably worked with him. Yeah, in the circus. He put his foot on top of your head and didn't crush it. I used to feed him pumpkins. Godfam. So mean about something he doesn't deserve it at all.

But you know what? He's been dead for nine years so nothing will happen. Okay. Come on. I've heard he's a bad guy. He's in the new doc? We should get a screener

that movie. That'd be cool. I think it's just touring live. It's one of those. It's like the camera winner concert. I hope it's not a hit piece on him. Man, he doesn't deserve that.

I think it is. I just saw it popped up on my Instagram like explore. That's so ridiculous. Yeah. Let it go, dude. It makes me mad. I know nine years ago.

And you're like, it's not like, like it was Woody Allen. He's also not famous enough. He's not like super, like he was successful, but like. In death? Yeah. I know.

Jesus Christ. Nine years later, too, where you're like, on year seven, you're like, you know what? Fuck him. I'm calling up that camera crew. Oh, I'm digitizing those VHS. Yeah. We should go see it though. Well, I mean, that'd be a full of a road trip.

Yeah. We have to go to Venice. Did you, did you open for him ever back in the day? I never. met the guy dude, but like I've never heard a bad word said about him. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Domino's had a word to pick with him, but remember when they went under? He was what they went under. He said on the chain. Yeah. That's why Papa John lost his job. Yeah. That's why he said the N-word. Yeah, he's calling him that.

Ralphie taught Papa how to say it. Oh, for sure. But with a funny new twist. Yeah, exactly. If Papa said it funny, it would have been awesome. Yeah, nobody said it at all. We said it on the show before when a guy like Ralphie gets so fat, they're allowed to say it. Do you agree? No. I know. All right.

Stop the broadcast. It seems that. Sorry, guys. I'm woke or whatever. It seems that people are generally okay with great big fat people saying it. What are you talking about? What is it built on? He says it's so much in his specials.

Ralphie. Oh, well, he's like one of the guys. Does he say it? He's wearing like Fubu and shit. so it may or it might be thinking of Big J back in the day. I don't know. He wears Fupa. Big J would hate to hear that.

Yeah. No, Big J was huge back of the day. I know, but the Fupa thing was good. It says, according to Google, the late Ralphie Mae used to say the N-word. It's great they got Google AI for that. Yeah. May stated he was one of the few white comics.

He used the word in front of black audiences, estimating that he used it a dozen times in his acts. And quote, it killed every fucking time. And that's post Michael Richards, not getting away with it. Well, imagine if Michael Richards weighed 600 pounds. Imagine if Kramer was Newman. He'd be fine. Yeah.

But they said, you're... Wayne Knight says it all the time. Oh, man, his live streams are nuts. He called that dinosaur it. Yeah, right before he died. That's right. Look at this doc real quick. Ralphie Mae, like, canceled dogs?

Ralphie Mae documentary. I think just doc. I don't think there's another Ralphie Mae documentary. What's eating Ralphie Mae? I don't think that's it. Oh, I don't think that's it. I think it's, uh, com what may.

That's it. Come what. Yeah, come one. Everyone has angels and demons. Yeah. And it's a picture of him. This is just,

with like devil horns, I believe. Like he's Cupid or something. But he's also Cupid. Okay. I've been there. They woke up Jay for this. Yeah.

They dusted off his tomb. Mm-hmm. In between mob beatings. They buried him in one of Jay's fire trucks. Uh-huh. Russell got a new hat for this one. Nice. This is a lot sadder than anyone assumed.

Yeah, I don't think they're canceling him in this. Hold on. It might come at the end. It's just him blasting the end. All 12 times. But then black audiences are standing there. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's doing the robot.

The black version, of course. Yeah. What is it? Is it going to cut to like a cheeseburger accusing him, his right? Miss Butterworth is heating. He got me number twoed. The one I saw was more of like a, they were interviewing the wife because I think she helped make it and was talking about like I wanted to dive into the shitty stuff.

It was like just an interview thing to put on Instagram real quick. Yeah. Okay. So it might be better than what that clip made it look like. Fuck. I type. You're not on fortune. That's the most.

You can type normal here. That's the most wigger Googling I've ever seen. Relvey made documentary with canceled spell wrong. Yeah, I'm not seeing anything, Jayce. He also said the first one was Ralphie May documentary about him is what you searched for initially. Oh, is that what I hate with? I think so. I think so.

I think that's what you came up with over there. Sometimes I just hit inner and it enters in whatever is there. Hey, man, I get it. Look at Ralphie. Yeah. So anyway, funny guy, good guy, huge from behind. That's one of the worst photos of a human being ever. Shouldn't be allowed.

Now, not to, Sam, I actually have a quite, like, do you find? Oh, boy. Being a touring comedian and constantly doing it, do you find you understand it's impossible to break out of his habits because it feels like life's almost like not that real all the time because you're constantly, when you're traveling and you always have something in the future to do, like later that day,

you're like, well, I'll just, you know, like, I really only feel like you could make a huge lifestyle change if you go home for a little bit. Oh, yeah. And settle down. Right. And, like, stop for a second. And you can't be the Kool-Aid man every weekend

You know, that's tough. If you're nomadic, you can't have a routine. I'm sure there's a bunch of panic going into him being like, I'm the fat guy. What am I supposed to fuck? Like, do I even lose the way? I feel like with something that extreme man, there's a, I think that he also liked to party from what I was told. So I think that guy was just filling up his cup with everything that there was.

Yeah, he was like a fat Coke had. Yeah, yeah. It was like a John Panette situation. Yeah. Was John Panette a Coke? That man had his appetites. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

And another guy that like no one says a bad word about. And I mean, doing Coke, whatever. right, you know. You've warded it off, right? Of course. Yeah, yeah. Except for that one in your hand. Yeah, no, it's really hard.

And I've obviously made a bunch of like choices recently. I quit drinking and like eat better and I lost a bunch of weight. But like, yeah, you can't do it on the road. The road's just this endless like, hey, doesn't count out here. You're a mercenary. You're a pirate. You don't exist except for the two hours you have to be in front of people. Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, you're just like up late. You're eating trash. Your wife's not there to say, that's enough snack. It's him. He's there and he bought 12 pastries. So yeah, it's bad. Nathan Lund, you've met him. Yeah. Enormously fat. May-esque, people say. You know, May June, he's getting so big. And he thinks they mean Elaine May. Right. Yeah. It's like, I have been writing some scripts. I mean, people are calling him late spring. It's, uh, it's tough. Yeah, late spring chicken. No, so like he likes to eat a bunch and, uh, it's not, it's not good. It's not like we're going to the gym at

the hotel. No, right. That's what I mean. It's just it is, there is an element of like, this doesn't count. It doesn't count. Yeah. I can only imagine the jack sessions. You would think there'd be a lot more, dude, but like we will, it's like, what we do is Becker will be out, Lund will be out. I'll get two hotel rooms. Often, if they're cool, they'll share or all, and I'll take the room by myself because I'm paying for him or whatever. So like, they're together. Mm-hmm. Jacking off. Jacking off. Frank and Hawk, you know. No, they're together. You're in a room by yourself.

But yeah, so, like, I have guilt about being able to whack whenever I want while they're over there, you know, going on walks. Becker will do Lund the kindness of like, all right, I'm going to leave for exactly 20 minutes. And Lund's like, very good. I have to call my wife in the bathroom. With the water running. Right, with the water running. And also, it'll sound like I'm listening to pornography. That's just how we talk.

With no headphones. Yeah, we like to roll play over the phone. I like to put my phone in a cup when I watch pornography. Right. Exactly. He's my stepdaughter. Yeah, exactly. It's the only way I can get hard.

I jacked off on the bus so much. That's the only way I can come. Right, right. You know all this. Why do I have to say it again? But yeah, dude, so there's not as much jacking. And when you do jack, it's like that kind of just like, ugh, like release jack. Sure.

And also I like to save my goo for my wife. Yeah, that's a fair point. It's just so you're not like limp when she wants to do it. You get home off the road. And she's like, let's go upstairs. And you're like, I've been masturbating for days. Yeah, because then you have to have that moment where you're like, I goood. nine times yesterday. Right. Yeah. Well, fuck, dude. It's not like my mom dies every day.

You know, those stats don't go up all the time. Right. Yeah. Well, now you know she's in heaven and she could see you. Right. Yeah. I mean, Danny Maupin died so I came seven times yesterday. Danny who I met in Indianapolis and a delight. Yeah. Pure. Did you know Danny Moppin at all? I saw it. Really fun guy. Sorry about that. You know, it's cool. You didn't do it, right? I don't even know what happened. It was his alcoholism, I think. Uh, but don't put that in. That's terrible. I'm sorry. Jesus, you're doing a hit piece.

We're sorry we made you say that. I know. No, so yeah, he was funny. But yeah, you know, we're all going to die. Well, yeah, especially in comedy. Like, we've talked about this before. Like, we've known so many people who've died in insane ways. Yeah.

Every year. Uh-huh. That guy was attacked by bats. Yeah. Penny DeVorris versus Lime Scooter. You know, there's a lot of wacky ends in this game. A lot of falls. Slipping falls, drowning.

A lot of Hitchcock level. People like Zeppelin crashes, like anything. That's what I'm to Ralphie. Yeah. They thought he was the Zeppelin. They were confused. The building. They tied the big thing.

Brad Zeppelin. Very good. Very good. Very good. Brad Zeppelin. I didn't see you, but I could feel you nodding back there. Very good. Yeah. But no, we've just not, we know some people who have died like deadwood, like, like, like shootouts in the woods.

Like duels. Charged by wild boars. It's just nuts. Running at the cops with a samurai sword. Yes, literally. Yelling the N-word. Oh, that's one of our friends. Yeah, he did suicide by cop by yelling the N-word at a cop while waving a sword saying, shoot me inward, shoot me inward, shoot me inward. God, I remember that episode of Afro-Samurai.

You could see the body cam footage on YouTube. He was her friend. I had dinner with him. He was a kind of a good friend there for a second. Yeah. He was a big on Twitter. He got whacked off on drugs. What?

Red milk. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. He got whacked off drugs and yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There's some sort of call to his house and he was in the bag with a sword running around. Some sort of call. Shouting the end words. You know, come on. He was yelling while playing video games. It was irony though. No. Like literally had like three.

Yeah. He was an all kind. Yeah. freely defense. Well, he went to, he went to clowning school and it killed him. Brutal things to say about people we knew in real life. Yeah, horrible.

But, you know, stop dying. Yeah. Stop dying all the time. Dumbies. Cut it out. Elbe, a cop. Yeah, he can say, shoot me and we're in.

And it's a black cop. And he's like, I mean, it's like literally in one of those body cam videos on YouTube. Yeah. I didn't think it was a black cop. It was either a black. So they were a black. So they were really.

Yeah, they were like, not. They were like, only we get to say that word. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well, I'm sorry about your buddy.

Oh, it's okay. We're sorry about your buddy. That's all right, man. Yeah. Fuck. Oh. Well, you know, it's okay. Life.

This is a gift right now. I had some good moments with Danny in the little time I spent with him. Yeah. He went with us from Indianapolis to some other Midwest city, I forget, on that little run. Yeah. He was, like, in all those cities. Like, Madison.

in maybe. I don't remember. You guys were hanging out. You were thick as thieves. Oh, he was my boy. He just made me laugh more than anyone ever. He was always going, he was like, you know those guys who can do bits and like they're not mad that they're always on?

Because it's just like, oh, what does he up to this time? Get over here. It's like when a dog comes in the room. Yeah, it's a cartoon character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He was like this like, I don't know. He just gave to the world. Yeah. That's why you guys shouldn't have friends. You're right. Okay. Stay alone. Can't get hurt.

Can't get hurt. We'll be your friends. Exactly. giving us money. For the simple cost of five a month, we'll be your best friends. I'm your friend. It's me, your clown friends.

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Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. All press is good press. Most of the spooks who have been attacking us have retired recently, so that's good. I wish that was a joke.

You have ghosts after you? No, no, no, like, you know, like feds type stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hoped that's how you meant it. Yes. I know it would be terrifying

if ghosts were attacking us. God, that'd be the worst. I would be a scared. What are the other thing? What are my marks? One of my marks? Mario? What am I, Luigi? I think you know, Sam Mets.

Very good. You know? Yeah. Yeah. No, we got, we stopped recording in Compton. Yeah. All right. All right now. I'm just trying to keep a ball in there. What the hell? We got thrown off of YouTube again, I guess. Good. If that's, yeah. What happened? I, we don't know. Who knows? No idea. You should go right to the top. We always get reported for hate speech. All right. Trump? Speech gambling and nudity, but we don't do. We don't three times the nude.

The nudity has been just just a completely arbitrary, just time stamp. No, and no, no, no, they don't give a timestamp. Yeah, or you're. And they'll say that we're just promoting gambling or something or that were nudity or sexual content or... Well, didn't you guys for a minute have Devin's penis giving sports tips for football games? Yeah, but that was hard. Yeah. It was a barstool parody.

That's satire. That's fair. Yeah. That's fair. It doesn't count. Okay. Yeah. That was that small stint I did at Barstole.

Right. Yeah. Portnoy demanded it. You said, hey, pizza's worked. Why not lasagna? Get out of here. Get out of here. Probably Jew.

That's my thing. Is he a probably Jew? Oh, no, he's definitely Jew. Let me check my files. Definitely Jew. Hold on. Put my ear to the ground. According to my sources.

Here's some coins clink. Oh. Oh, he's a bad guy. It's fine. You animal. Well, Howie Mandel gave me a pair of underwear earlier. Oh. Oh, no.

Sheath? Huh? Sheath? No, man-made. Man, may they got a new one. Yeah. I hate when women make my... Yeah, I hate.

Yeah, everything needs to be badass in the podcast. You actually give you these? Yeah, they're his. They're off of his body. He took those off of his pants? Give him a whiff. Wow. So they're really clean.

I smell like Howley. There's no germs on the floor at all. Cleanest undies you've ever smelled. Wild. Yeah. You could sell those. I could. Let's start the bidding here now on the live stream.

40K. Warhammer. Video games. No, these are not his, but he did give them to me. Okay, interesting. That's nice, man. What other podcasts have you done? Yeah, what have you done?

Oh, I've done them all, man. Jimmy and the Spigot. I went on Mondo's World. Uh-huh. Yeah. Craig Kilborn Presents. Sure. Yeah.

All the big names. Right, yeah. Yeah. The Tracy Allman's show. Right. Yeah. What's Clint Howard's deal? What is his deal?

Zanku Chicken Presents. Yeah. A final solution? Did that podcast about the Zanku murders? Yeah. Zanku done it. You just said that, did you know about the Zanku dynasty murders?

No. But this guy over here said, we got to get this chicken while we're in town. It's very good chicken. The guy that started Zanku had a brain tumor and he killed his whole family. What? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was the son killed the whole family.

Or maybe the son. Something like that. I think the son. The son had a tumor killed. getting killed. Rob Reiner did not kill his whole family. Okay. No, no.

That was his son, Nick. Nick Reiner. Fuck. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, it's fine. All right. No, it's okay.

No. I figured you guys were probably close. Well, you know, we were going to have him on the pod. He's a dangerous psycho from the internet. I bet he was a fan. He might be. He's listening to prison right now. In the library.

The day he got arrested, we did see $5. Disappeared off the Patriots. So who knows. No, but the Zanku guy, he was, I think he was, I think he was trying to take control of the Zanku Empire. Oh, yeah. And, like, murdered a lot of his family. What is he?

The Ming Dynasty? Trying to take care of the Zanku Empire. No, that's on Fairfax. Samtallet.com, guys, for tickets. A lot of live dates coming up. Clip that. Yeah, yeah. But no, I didn't know anything about that.

Have Patrick Piss clip that. Patrick Piss. He is the man. I love it. I know. He loves how much you love him. Oh, really? Good.

Yeah, that guy, he killed his old family. Mm-hmm. Got caught. And they still just kept making the chicken. It's great. It's great place. It's a great establishment in L.A. You know what?

You can kill your family. I'll still eat the chicken. Yeah. Well, it was like also one of those where it's like, it was like one branch, you know. Like it was the initial branch, but they, you know, they, they, they franchised it. And it's all over the place now. It's like just because my ATM closes. Doesn't mean I quit going to that.

Exactly. Exactly. You know, there's a cost to doing business and creating an empire. I went to Harlan Williams. Did his pod, though. Oh, that guy's the man. He's the best ever. He's so great.

I live in a castle at the top of the hills. Really? He lives in the most beautiful private home I've ever been inside of. What street? I don't want to say that out of respect. What's the numbers? Zip code. Oh, you.

Does he always like this? He'll have you on. Just tell him your Haley Joel Osmond. Okay. He's sundowning. I'd love to. I know. So, yeah, this house is insane.

Pool overlooks various Waynes Brothers' homes. He's like the top, dude. Did he make all that money being a touring stand? I think Rocket Man was a Disney property. Did not know that. You know when you go to a guy's house and you're like mad or jealous? I was in this house. I was like,

yes. Fuck yes, Harland, you've been the man for so long. I'm so glad you. I know that's exciting because I assumed like a lot of comedians just did not have that much money. I know.

They're bad with their money. Yeah. But I think the Canadians are really good with their money. That's right. Arland Howie. Tom Green. Norm dead. Yeah.

RIP. Yeah. Bad with money. Famously. Through it all away and then got cancer like. They're so much less affected by. like American political culture war bullshit. Yeah.

They kind of just sit up there and watch and they're not, they don't have a, like, a skin in the game as much. So they can like, I feel like comment on it in a freer way. I envy their position in the world. They have no pressure to be the best like we did. You know? It's like they can just like be up there, laugh at our antics, produce great comedy, music that none of us have ever heard.

Yeah, it's a pretty cool position to be in. And then everything does go down. We kind of got to go up there and be like, knock it off. He's our bitch. Do you have problems getting into Canada? I know it's like really hard to get into Canada. Not for me.

Yeah. I've never, I don't have any felonies or anything. Sure. Yeah. And also, they love a big fat guy. Yeah,

but you're not, are you, do you still go, are you still doing that? Are you still going by fat? Do you think you're ex fat? Yeah, or do you still have the trouble

with that identity in your head? I'm so lost. Yeah. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, I know, 100% get it. It went from Wad to God, much like me.

Yeah. This stunning transition. It's difficult. But it's, especially as a comedian. I've been talking to. It's probably so much of your identity. I've been talking to someone, honestly. Really?

It has a real up close. My friend Elliot. Elliot Pete. Well, I didn't want to give it away. But yeah, someone who's gone through a startling transformation. Oh, okay. You know, and, yeah, they've really taught me a lot about what to do, what sports pros are best, you know, all that stuff.

She thought you were Steve A.G. Come on. I'm not Steve A.G. You know that. How, David. You know that. That's what I'm upset about. Steve Agee is 6-8.

You know that. Do you remember Steve Agee's bit? He had one of the best bits ever. It's hard. It's hard to be a beautiful person in Hollywood. It's real hard. And I should know because I hunt them down and kill them. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah. How about BJ Novak had a great bit on Conan? Maybe the best four-word joke I've ever heard. Kind of hacky, but still, imagine you're 11 years old. old, this is the comedian. I mean, Conan was the best for me and Jay. I mean, it's, you know.

Undefeated. Yeah, yeah. So BJ Novak walks out and he says, battered women sounds delicious. Huge applause break right away. I'm sitting there like I'm in the Dolby ad. It's crazy, dude. The word economy,

like a young, I was like, holy fuck. Then you find out that his dad wrote the great book of Jewish jokes. So his dad, like, wrote all those, like, top of the toilet bowl jokes. Oh. You know?

Yeah. I used to get really mad at that book in stores. Me too, man. Yeah. Why? I'm going at it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm jealous. I would love to have a Jewish comedian, dad. I thought there was a bit. I'm sorry. Huh? I don't know. That should be the name of this episode. I thought there was a bit.

I thought there was a bit, comma, I'm sorry. Very good. In parentheses. No, growing up, we were, because you were, were you Christian, like extremely Christian growing up? No, I grew up devoid of God. Okay, no God whatsoever. No, no, my mom told me that the only God there was was the trees and the flowers.

That's lovely. Yeah, yeah. Well, not when she's selling Santa Claus isn't real. That was, sure. That was also part of it. She, like, made sure you knew that before you even found it on your own? Oh, she knew very early. Like, I said something about like, oh, you know.

She knew. Yeah, she was still unsure. Right, yeah, she figured it out. And then she's like, hey, get in here. She's like, you know what's just film are documentary. What the elders find out. I just saw religiousists. Santa guys bullshit.

Like a kid who's really into Bill Maher. The Easter bunny, Santa, it's all bullshit, man. And Dennis Miller. Little Dennis Miller boy. Yeah. Get chicken, baby. Find out about the flying spaghetti monster. You probably wanted to eat it.

He started licking your lips, finding out there's no God. There's no God. Then why haven't I been masturbated? start whacking right there at Christmas. Yeah. There was one time that I was a little bitch about... You read out you started raping people. Yeah, yeah.

There's no more. A child who defeats the argument for humanism in one day. Yes. By raping the Easter bunny. Yeah. That'd be nuts. Like walk in to the mall and there's a kid holding down the Easter bunny and like savagely... Raping him?

Yeah. Yeah. That would be nuts. That'd be tough. Yeah. Our granddaddy had a moment like that. that where he wasn't going to... Okay.

Very quickly, my granddaddy... He switched from Baptist to Church of Christ because the preacher set him down. I was like, Don, you know, you haven't been to service in a while. You know, I understand you're around town. You're partying and, you know, you're at these flusies or whatever. And he was like, well, I'm baptized, right? And he's like, yeah, he goes, so it's once saved, always saved, right?

You're familiar with this term. Uh-huh. So he's like, yeah, he's like, am I going to heaven? And the preacher's like, yeah, yeah, you're going to heaven. And he's like, so why don't I need to go to church or like be a good person? And like the preacher was like kind of like he got him. Huh. He like had nothing for him.

And then like my granddaddy just stood up and like popped his suspenders. Right. Yeah. Like walking like that carto. Yeah. Yeah. He was Mr. Natural.

Yeah. But keep on trucking guy. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He was popcorn Sutton and he was horny as a $5 bill. You know what? Kind of true, honestly. I bet, man. He was funny, because he was a very Christian guy and a very nice guy, but he was like very,

he was flashy for West Texas. Like when I was growing up, he wore like all. He had like these fancy bowel ties and rings all over and he wore like velour track suits. Just like a gay chocktaugh. Yeah, he might have been a gay chockta. Yeah.

Might have been a gay engine. I go grand a year. Yeah. We're Cherokee, 132nd. My dad's 1-8th. My granddaddy is one... Yeah, we can't.

You can't. Oh, no, my grand... Dad is 116th. Granddaddy's one-eighth. Yeah. But... So we're the first people that can have facial hair

in the family. That's not feathers. We're 1-32nd. Indian from India. You're Bengali. From India. Yeah. We're just a little bit bad at truck driving.

Right. Yeah. But you want all those motels. Yeah. That's good. But he would wear, he had to take this blood thinner and they were like,

you have to wear loose clothing. that doesn't hurt your skin. So you won't bleed out of your pores. Yeah, so he got velour, like velvety track suits. Yeah. And he had an oxygen tank. I remember one time he's walking to church, and he is Christian, but at the same time, he's walking into church.

And I'm like 10, I think Ben's eight. And I remember he's like, he's like, I got a joke for y'all. He's like, yeah, a guy walks in the doctor's office, and he says to the doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel amazing, but I look terrible. The doctor's like, I don't know, let me get the chief of medicine. The chief of medicine comes in. He's like, what's wrong with you?

He's like, I don't know. I look terrible, but I feel amazing. And the doctor goes, oh, I know what's wrong with you. You're a vagina. And then he just hit the doors to Churchill, but we walked in. And it's like, how great though. I feel like that's the kind of joke that you tell while you're in the driver's suit of your pickup truck. And then after you say the punchline, you go like this, you go.

And then you just drive off and say anything else. You know, like that's how grandpa should have delivered that. Just right into the lake. You look good because you look like a vagina. and roll up your window. Then lock the doors. Right. Yeah.

Start smoking. Death boxing, your grandkids. Yeah, grandpa's had all types of great jokes. The vagina one's not that good, though. It's really not that great. You got to think about it too long. It was just the timing of it was more weird. Like walking in the church service with his two, like, tiny grandchildren.

It's a flex. You guys know how pussies look like shit, right? Yeah. And we're like, no. Yeah. He's like, you know how Pussies feel like God? Yeah.

But they look like shit. We're like, no. Huh? We're eight. Is he so old he thinks we're like 30 years old in his mind? It might be. Like if you're in your 80s, does an eight-year-old look like a 35-year-old? He might have thought we were these old GI buddies or something.

Yeah. You're Gordo and your smudge. Yeah. You guys are back in denang. Yeah. We both, he saw us torn in half. Right. Yeah.

By a frag grenade. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Your belly got ripped open by a grenade. Yeah. Yeah. dog came out of the bush and started eating your innards. Have you heard those stories,

dude, about the pigs, the wild pigs in Vietnam? Yeah. And they would come out and like your buddy would be bleeding out like in the minefield and you'd be like, we got to get him. And then a bunch of boars would come out. Are you jacking it? No, no, I have a chigger bite. Oh, boy. Whoa. Hey. Oh, my God. It's like your grandpa's here. We'll bleep it. You've been hanging out in the high grass? Oh, yeah. With chiggers. I love the tall grass. Yeah. I love walking through that stuff.

Yep. I pull over every time I see tall grass and I walk through it. Yeah. Well, you're trying to get the tick that makes you not eat hamburgers anymore. The doctor says it's the only thing that might save me. As if you get meat poisoning from a bug. Yeah. First guy gets Lyme disease because he thinks it's a flavor.

Yeah. He's trying to add ticks to Sprite. Uh-huh. He heard about Lyme disease. He wanted his chips to hold up to salsa. But you were talking about like Tree of Smoke. shit. Sure, yeah. Yeah. I was actually talking about, I think that was dog soldiers. Robert Stone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dog soldiers. Fantastic fucking book. Dude, bro. When you read it. You read it, right? I did not read it because

it because it's on the computer. Cool, cool. When you read it, bro, when you get to the end, you're going to think, whoa, I wonder if Sam was reading dog soldiers when he wrote the end of this one. Did I recommend dog soldiers to you? I think so. Because my buddy Aaron told me to read it because Dennis Johnson. Yeah. Ben, how is your shit coming? Great. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'll publish it once. I think it's good. Are you going to self-publish? Probably, yeah.

Are you going to let perfection get in the way of progress? Are you going to fucking... No, absolutely not. All right. He's also had two youngans for a second. I've seen the pictures. She looks exhausted. Brute, everybody.

Sam, Town. What is the publisher? Random house. Random house, everybody. And what's the best way for people to get the book? Local bookstore. Got it. Honestly.

Great cover. And that means Barnes & Noble anything. Oh, you guys will like this. You guys know the Turner Diaries? Yeah. Of course. Pull up the Turner Diaries. All right.

I'm not trying to denotize you guys on Blue Sky, but. Oh, you think it's the first time we've showed the Turner Dinaries. Well, it's the first time we've had to look it up. Okay, so look at this guy's Uvois. Look at his canon of work. Because his first book, someone sent it to me. William Luther Pierce. Yeah.

You have a very black name for a guy who wrote the Turner Diaries. Look up Hunter. Look at Hunter. click on Hunter right there by the Turner Diaries. Right here? Yeah. So look at that. Oh, there you go.

I know. Some guy was like, is this have something to do with Hunter because they're very similar? And it's like they're just guns in black and white. It's just held upside down. I'm going to say it. This is a very unpopular opinion on this pod. My book has nothing to do with neo-Nazi leader Hunter's novel. Right.

For your safety, you all edit that out. Thank you. Your sales just plummeted when in reverse. You owe them money now. Even the books have hard R's. Yeah, every R is capitalized. Do they ever give you like that funky accounting like a random house where you just like, they're like, we're going to pay you this much.

You're like, this is clearly you fucked me. Yeah. Well, that's not fair because I haven't been paid by them yet. Okay. But when I, when I have been paid by a different audio book supplier and it's like, oh my God. The Barry Gordy math. Yeah.

Yeah. Or they owe us $30,000. Yeah. It's like we can either give you 12 bucks or you can fetch us a switch. It's the Joe Jackson School of audio recording. So yeah, get the book, guys. You guys love violence. You guys love Paris, I'm sure.

It's a sexual violent thriller, Ben. Sexual violent thriller. That's right. Nice. I like that. Would you say it's more sexual or more violent? Violent. It's about a hit man.

And he is very, you know, serious in his work. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Does he fuck in the book? Oh, a bunch. Yeah. Yeah. Do you get horny when you're writing about fuck?

How does that go? No, because it's a guy fucking another guy. Some more it's just like a fantasy, I can't admit. You know? Like, I don't even remember writing. You can't let yourself get horny. Oh, no. It was like, this just like poured out of me.

I just like came to and there was a first draft. And it was mostly about him fucking guys. Yeah, by my newt bowl. Patrick Ewing. And Mugsy Bokes. All the big guys and a couple of the little ones. Yeah. Because I like a scurrier in there.

He likes a scurrier. I don't know if you're like me, you might because you didn't grow up with God. Like my first. experience with pornography was like reading Stephen King books and like the very adult fucking scenes in that when I was like nine. Gerald's game.

Yeah. Yeah. And getting like or like like I mean it, not the sewer scene, but there's a lot of fucking before that. You had the same thing with Moby Dick, he said. Yeah.

Yeah. Got horny for the whale. Yeah. Came for the, when they're reaching their hands into the barrels of sperm, and they think it's cum and they like it. They like it.

It tastes like cum. It feels like cum. It's so much. thinking he'd be like, it's totally come in their head. Yeah. And the science is like, it's totally not coming. They're like, boo. Yeah, suck it.

Back on the ice flow, in you it? Sam, by the way, you'll love this. Devin, who hasn't read in years, I got him into Dennis Johnson. He read Angels, you read Train Dreams. You read Jesus' Son. Jesus Son. I'm reading, Lena Donnam's homesick. Reading Lena Donnam's book as well.

What's it called? Homestick. What is it called? Fame sick. You have no idea what this industry did to her. Honey, let me tell you. I tell you. It's really good.

She's a great writer. Yeah. Devin loved Angel. Yeah, I think Lita Dunham's fantastic. I liked girls. Yeah, I think it's a great show. I like, boys. Well, clearly, from the book, you're gay.

From the book, you're gay. I'm gay. I don't want to brag, but I just finished Kitchen Competential. Whoa. I'm also wearing some big shit over here. Holy shit. Yeah.

Are you ready to get behind the flambay? I don't think I can handle that pressure. Dude, only heroes are back there. I had no idea what it's like to be a chef. Yeah. Apparently, it's tough. It's like that. and like, you know, ICU nurses.

Yeah. Yeah, those are the two. Yeah, exactly. They're the real heroes, man. Yeah, they're really. Yeah, we've got to give it up to chefs. Yep. Who else is going to still smoke cigarettes after dark if it's not for chefs?

It is amazing how they turn that into punk rock. I mean, you're literally cooking food. Yeah. Well, that's a tough thing about reading Kitchen Confidential because I have to keep remind to myself, I'm like, oh yeah, he wrote this in 1999 before this was very gay. Right. Like, I have to stop calling this book gay in my head while I'm reading. Because of like the bear and all these shows.

Like they all stole his flow, basically. Yeah. I obviously I like eating, but I just have a hard time being like, it's so much like stand-up. Like chefs are exactly comedians. You like make this thing and it's only good if someone else says it's good or bad and it's immediate. And you can't really practice it unless there's someone there to consume it. Like I understand them, but like I don't think stand-up's cool. So I don't think chefs are cool.

You know, it's hard to elevate either of. these things. Sure. Yeah. Are you doing stand-up again? Oh, well, actually, we have another show coming up at the comedy store on the 18th that I need to promote. And are you guys doing stand-up too? No.

No? No. I'm going to clown school. Yeah, I'm a clown. Congrats. We're working clown. I'm still trying to figure out how to be trapped in a box. Oh, yeah.

I can juggle one ball. I'm working my way up to two. Damn. I'm like my wife. I'm not really trying to do stand-up. I'm just trying to get people to watch Norbitt. Yeah. It's really good.

No, Polk gave me a breakdown of your act. Polk, I hang out, hung out with him that whole day. I know. It was a really fun show. I bet it was great. Yeah, no. But he was like, yeah, it was a lot of Norbit stuff. Spended about an hour and a half of Norbit material.

Longer than the movie. My chine. My chine. Don't you like my chine, mine? Y'all I'm goochie mine and I'm popping off the chai. And my check a bit so fruited. Call me Gucci mine. No, you call me Gucci.

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And my check a bit so fruited. I know you call me Gucci Gucci. My chine, my chine. Don't you like my chain mind Y'all, Gucci mine And I'm popping off the chain And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine

No you call me Gucci, Gucci