lemonparty - Australia isn’t Real? | 087

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

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I I'm on that light beam, always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of reasons. There's still like 400 milligrams of caffeine. This is awesome. Half a one does the job. Yeah, you're welcome, man. I got that for you.

What's in it? There's like a ball, like it's spray paint. There's a ball in it, like it's a Guinness? Yeah, they put a little tumor from the last guy who died drinking Celsius, in every Celsius. There's so many fat guys that drink that because it says it supports your metabolism It helps you lose weight. They don't work out at all. They just drink it It's literally the Jonah Hill walks past he goes. There's got a watermelon on it. Yeah, it's good for me zero calories

This is what I call directors juice Have you guys seen have you guys actually seen that interview with Jonah Hill it destroys your perception of Jonah? Oh, yeah, yeah where he's he's he's like a like a film school like art art school guy. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, the 10 things awesome. He's the best ever love Jonah Hill him the person love Jonah Hill He sucks ass like him as a person don't like his movies. Yeah, I got all my relationship advice from Jonah Hill though I love how he treats women. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, how you let's just self-hatred and insecurity Just chew away the only thing that was probably keeping him sane. Mm-hmm. That's pretty nice a guy that can you imagine sitting? Across from a guy with bleached hair who used to be in crazy fat and you're sitting across from him at a micro brewery

Yeah, and he shuts down. You ask him about his shirt, and he thinks you're calling him fat or something. He starts acting weird. He starts fighting. A guy that was once so fat and then lost so much weight that he's now put himself in a hell where you can't ever mention any clothing or anything around him

without it being a personal attack. A guy who is, to be a little bit fair, a guy who is so fat that he, imagine being so fat that if you lose the weight, it's in the news. Like it's in the New York Times. Like fat ass finally does it. He's a paper boy delivering the news.

Like when the war ended. Man, no longer gross and should kill himself. It is a little, but yeah, he just completely, he gave himself therapy brain man. It's funny, because he did the thing where he's like, please don't talk about my weight. And then like John Hamm was like, please don't talk about my big, they're all,

yeah, it's don't talk about how I lost weight and got healthy and John Hamm's don't talk about my huge penis. don't talk about how I lost weight and got healthy and John Hamm's don't talk about my huge penis Don't talk about my huge penis or how I raped the kid with a hammer in college Yeah, does what is what is John Hamm wants to do or not? What does Jonah Hill want us to do? Like does he want us to go back to talking about how he used the F slur? We can do that. We can just talk about that. We don't have to talk about how you're healthy We can just talk about how you called that paparazzi guy.

Remember he used the F word? Yeah. We're in the first five minutes of YouTube here. So we're trying to get to you. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a big. We called him a faggot. Yeah.

Remember he was in that big beef with Don Lemon? Over what? I don't know. Don Lemon was like a loser and said like, Jonah Hill didn't talk to him long enough or act like he knew who he was and he went On Twitter and the Jonah Hills like dude. I'd like don't know who you are like I just thought he thought he was an actual lemon Yeah, like a Jonah Hill actually like destroyed him on Twitter. It was nice, but yeah No, I mean, you know it would stop me imagine dating Jonah Hill

He's showing pictures of you surfing like the day earlier and he goes he runs freaks out runs home start stabbing all your surfboards sobbing I know literally guys so insecure that he thinks if you go surfing you're gonna fuck a guy on a surf. Yeah, yeah All right you here's what it's like to go to dinner with Jonah Hill I bet 60% of the time I show up and he's completely silent. Mm-hmm not giving you anything One word answers and when you ask him, hey, is anything wrong? He's like, what? No, no, everything's everything's good. Why is something wrong with you? I don't know. And he just like kind of looks at it and then and then like five months later,

he's completely saying he goes, hey, man, when you ask me what's what's wrong, I like really like that, like invaded like a personal space. Then my thoughts started racing. I was like, is there there something wrong with me I thought I was just being reserved and collected it in the pocket which is which are notes my therapist gave me this week to start you know acting like Andy Dufresne walking around the jailhouse yard looking for rocks so ugly he does that he goes to Phil Stutz the guy who does just have you imagine like imaginary characters in order to beat depression and anxiety Phil stud seems like a guy that sucks ass to yeah

Like he's a mr. Rogers guy. It's a Jonah Hill fell in love with this there, but like every guy Netflix with the old guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that sucked. Yeah It's a guy who makes a bunch of codependent paychecks Every direct deposit is codependent Yeah, it's people for 30 years just give him money to just talk just be his friend If you come if you're in Hollywood and you kind of look like Mike Armentrout you can convince celebrities that you're like a genius Just by going like we know don't don't be sad, you know, don't cheat on your wife That'd be bad. Oh this guy he tells it like it is guru this guy. Yeah, so much that they'll make they'll find a

1.5 million dollar production of a documentary about you and black and white yeah, that's what the two weird Is in the middle of it Jonah Hill has this breakdown. He's like you know like I'm'm just feeling like I'm doing this whole thing about being honest and real. And he starts crying, he's like, I have this whole documentary, I'm fucking real. And then he shows that the documentary changes up midway and you see that the room that they've been having their therapy sessions in is a green screen,

it's a set, it's vague. It goes to color, right? Yeah, and he goes to color and he's like, we're tearing the bullshit down. He's like, this is gonna fix everything now that I show the people yeah watching on Netflix that like Like I've been fucking lying about even the fucking about how I lie And then it's 45 minutes. I've continued lying, but just from a different angle. Yeah. Yeah, it's just it's just everyone's so self-obsessed I think some guys are just supposed to be great big fat guys

Mm-hmm. I agree. I think there's something about Jonah Hill He's like severed from himself now that he's a great big fat guy. He's just not I know it just is Working for me. It ain't working for me. I know mid-90s was supposedly decent or good good. Yeah, but I want him to go back to like being Kool-Aid guy fat. I Loved when he was shaped like the Kool-Aid band. That was the best version of Jonah Hill. One of my favorite parts of Jonah Hill was like seeing how fat he would be in a new movie.

It was fun. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, Wolf of Wall Street was an amazing performance. He punch for punch with Leo. Incredible, right? Now how much better is it if he's as fat as he is and super bad? Come on him him rolling down the stairs when he's high on quail loads, but he's 500 pounds. You're spending even better You're spending $80,000 on AI to make Jonah Hill fatter and wolf of Wall Street

Three cameras and they're like we can make him just fucking huge you do that just to put it on pirate bay for free Kim he's not able to fit in the fucking Lamborghini mm-hmm. He's trying to crawl into it or whatever. Yeah, that's a scene. That's Leo Oh, yeah, he tries to start masturbating at that party, but he can't find his penis. He starts crying. Yeah, yeah Fuck when he was on the press tour for mid 90s. It was pretty wacky He was was he big on that one. No, no, he was like fine. He was normal He shouldn't have killed himself. I just wish I just he needs to go back to like needing a bra I wanted to be so fat. He like he's he wears bras. He's so

Wanted to be so fat. There's nothing he can really do like he goes to a stylist and they're like I don't know. Mm-hmm, you know the gloves who knows no He just needs to wear I at this point in his career if he remained the same fat He'd wear big ponchos and like like those weird Expensive moccasins that like David Byrne wears when he rides his bike around New York the edema shoes Yes, yeah, because every regular shoe they wear starts curving into itself like like a car driving on the rims. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a beaver's tooth.

Yeah. Yeah. You need a shoe with like some give to it for when you eat buffalo wings. Yeah. You start filling with salt and not enough hokas in the world to support fat Jonah Hill. He's walking around in hocus with like a 18 inch yellow built into the dictionaries taped to the. It looks like the teenager from Zits walking around. He's all fucked up mid four 90s. OK, very good. All right.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's a kid growing up in the mid 90s. Right. Sure. And he wants I didn't see the movie But I'm guessing it's a kid he wants to be a skateboard guy, but he's not cool enough to do that So he's like lonely okay his parents are like going through divorce. Did I get it? Yeah? Four thing he he gets in pretty quick with the crew, and he has a great time Yeah, such drinking smoking fucks a fucks a girl from euphoria Alexa Demi. Mm-hmm Yeah, fuck some Mexican chick is like, yeah ten years old which is every fucking I know white skater kids

Fantasy. Mm-hmm. It's like that's reading rock your dick fucking Alexis Demi. That's it Yeah, I gotta say the the emo goth girl that whole I gotta say the emo goth girl, that whole, that's a, there's some fantasies you never shed, you know, that you have from a young age, well, until your adulthood. And the idea of like, still going to, like being single, going to like a dive bar and meeting like a weird gothy, tattoo-y lady

with hair of a different color. Yep. Yeah. Yeah strutting around Being cool. We smoke cigarettes together outside Yeah, like I know like a woman who's like she's got in a big avenged sevenfold tattoo Yeah on her back. There's a bunch of bat. There's she has a tattoo of a bunch of bats flying out of her pussy Exactly that she and then she goes Why don't you why don't you get on the back of my motorcycle and come back to my apartment And I have to put my hands around her

Yeah, I rounders a very skinny waist with her and I feel like I'm starting to slip So then I get to put my hands up on her huge aft tits Yeah, that she wears behind her leather jacket. You have to tuck your hands between her tits in order to say I want to ride Behind a woman on her motorcycle like this to go fuck her her tits in order to stay safe. I want to ride behind a woman on her motorcycle like this to go fuck her or something. Like this. Nothing is more emasculating than riding on the back of a lady's motorcycle. Yeah, you get there, she fucks you.

You're crying when you get off. She just pegs me. Yeah, yeah. I fucked one lady kind of like that. She had like fucking bad tattoos She had like a bat across her huge fucking titties Black bang. She was a Mexican chick Mexican like goth latina lady It was a goth latina lady huge the one that got away the one

And right there and then I fucked is so bad she never called me again And then I fucked her so bad she never called me again. It was actually, it was so, it was, I was like my Moby Dick moment where I got, I got to the precipice and I was like, this is it. I get to fuck a goth, huge titty Latino woman. And I, the lights were too bright, I couldn't handle it. I turned into Jason Tatum in the finals. I somehow didn't get hard and came too early,

which has never happened before I came early out of a soft penis somehow I feel like when a woman like that has like a big orgasm they like grab like the nearest bottle and they bash it over their heads yeah well you fuck them on like the Game of Thrones like sending a like a like a ship out to like when they throw the champagne bottle against it Yeah, yeah, I get that You know people waving at you. Yeah as she comes Yeah, oh, yeah, I guess the other because I have the goth lady thing. I think it's the Christian repressed thing

It's just any lady with tattoos It's like an immediate attention grabber for a right Right. And the other thing is... Any woman that looks like the inside of a tunnel. The other one is Asian lady who sounds like a squeaky toy. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, where they've kind of... They don't even have their humanity anymore.

They're just... They're like a cartoon. Like, they just... The way that they sound there there's so oppressed that they have bound feet without binding it their feet just naturally went made that way how is this a perfect hour you real you should walk up to her at a coffee shop and be like excuse me I as a white guy I'm gonna fuck you right now Like a fucking auto blow and then you just chuck her in the garbage

Jello lessons all day. Do you I will be with you now. Oh, you need to be my parents and my dad will kill you with gun. With big, it's different from the baby woman because Devon has pointed this out. Why baby woman? You when we were watching Civil War in the theaters and you said, who's the lady who's the baby woman? It's a woman. It's a grown woman with a baby's voice.

Yes, there was an actual baby. Not in the movie, in the theater. There was a baby lady watching the movie and she kept being like And you want to literally put a fucking Stupid mouth like Jesus Christ, they want you breastfeed yourself Yeah, she was like goo gooing and Gaga truly what the fuck? And then we had the black rifle coffee guy. But regardless. Who was dating the baby woman?

I don't. It's so funny, Ben has such a. Might have been his bodyguard. Ben has so few life experiences. He talks about the time he saw Civil War for like three months straight. Two people presented themselves as mildly amusing and Ben has been thinking about them every day of his life.

I have so many things I do throughout the day, but they involve my baby, and I'm not allowed to talk about my baby on the show. That's true. Thank God. Because I did Father's Day stuff all day. Oh, right, right, right. And then I got into a new weird obsession

with tube amps and stuff, and that is gonna bore the shit out of you too. Tube amps? Oh, tube amps. Yeah, I got Japanese speakers, and I got a tube amp, and I learned how to hook up speaker wires. You're honestly being an audiophile now.

Yeah, I sit between the speakers and I put on the whale on vinyl that I have, the soundtrack by Rob Simonson. It's a masterpiece. And then you read the Father's Day text we got from Dad over and over again. Your dad's text was insane. I literally went to sleep because he wakes up at three just in pain every day. And I like I'm gonna wake up to the most fucked-up Father's Day text tomorrow and sure enough I roll over and she's like Please don't kill me for my sins Happy Father's Day goes. I'm sorry. I wasn't a very good dad. I

Tried my best we all did I think he said please try to forget all the bad things I did and remember all the good Yeah, and then he included the nerd emoji for some reason The guy with the buck teeth to the glasses. He doesn't know what it means He thinks that's the he of like fucking breakfast at Tiffany's That's him trying to relate to us because he listened to the pod he goes I know you'll probably appreciate this Here's some Asian racism. Who is the guy? Back I wanted to text back happy faggers day just because that was so gay what he sent me who is the

Fucking oh you wanted to text back happy martyrs day. Yeah, I said I said happy martyrs day Who is it the guy that everybody thinks is a comedic genius? Well, what's up? Can I tell you also, mom texted me and she said I sent him a card and she goes, thank you for sending the card. No one else sent a card. So I got hit with like the double barrel shotgun right out of the dad. Didn't get any cards. He just from me. From you. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I didn't expect. I said, I sent one and I had to- Was there like ricin in it?

I was writing it like that scene in Liar Liar where he's trying to write the pen is blue. I had to like grab my hand and move it across. You had to ask somebody else to write it for you? I had to dictate it to like a homeless Chinese guy in my neighborhood. Yeah. So sorry, I just I didn't want to

forget that. No, I was just going to say that dad thinks stuff is where it's a guy. I'm trying to remember the guy who was he was the everyone said he was the funniest fucking guy to ever be an actor back in the day. He was like Finn Al Jolson. No, not him.

It's the guy he would like act in movies and people like there's no one is like buddy something or like Buddy yeah, buddy hack it was buddy. He's a big fat guy. No fuck who am I thinking of he like there's that one movie Peter something there's a one. What's the movie where he's fucking Chinese? We do Chinese face Mickey Rooney breakfast. No Peter Sellers Chinese in a bunch of it's like he died recently and everyone said he was a comedy legend you watch his stuff And he's just like he just is black in a movie Jimmy's Chinese. I don't know yeah Your dad's favorite comic was Jimmy

Jimmy I used to listen to Jimmy Savile and Gary glitter Driving around the truck he did once tell us that he loved Queen back in the day until he Figured he learned that Freddie Murphy Freddie Mercury was gay Then he really affected he literally said he spent ten years through the 90s like turning the radio station if Queen came on After being a huge fan which does rule God what a brutal life that does kick ass. Did you find the guy? It's like not really that well-known of a movie So I'm trying to think of the other thing that he did, but he was just like, he was a guy he would like sing

and dance and like, it was one of those movies where you gotta watch this and you put it on. He's just dancing with a lady like this. And then he like slips. I think he was the Pink Panther guy maybe. Peter Sellers. Peter Sellers. Well, if he was, why do you think Pink Panther guy? You've been describing Peter Sellers.

Steve Martin? I don't think so. I think you guys are returning he was doctor strange He was being there you keep saying we're wrong Crazy Rooney, yeah, no, he's literally thinking Peter sell it doesn't want to admit it I don't know man who knows who cares about any of these people? Who cares? Who cares? He was racist.

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She went after the cheese its drawer like a rhino just tearing walls and fucking throwing people Actually, let me look at when she got fired. She goes to the big Twizzlers tub for everybody and she grabs it like the Coneheads smoked cigarettes and just eats them all at once. They're trying to keep her away from it, like those videos of people who confront them out in line on a hike.

Yeah, they're like, get really big. All the coders are standing together at the New York tides and going, hey, hey, hey. One of them shoots her in the neck. All the all the coders are standing together at the New York tides One of them shoots her in the neck She's going across the open office The hunter from Jumanji pops up and snipes her clever girl So, what are you looking at right now? Roxane Gaye's attacking Leo and the Revenant.

Just ripping him around. You know what's really funny? I keep typing in Chinese face comedic actor and you know what keeps popping up? All that pops up on Google Images is Ken Jiang. Ken Jiang. To be like Google's like, look he has a Chinese face. That is very accurate. Thank you The new AI. Yeah. Doing a

great job. You're literally you are thinking of Peter Sellers. Let me Google Peter Sellers to see if that's who I'm thinking of. Yeah. He was in the Pink Panther movies. Yes. Did a lot of Chinese and he was a Panther. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. God damn you. It's there was some he was. I died like two years ago. It was some guy literally died two years ago. He did Marin. He was really old and everyone was like, he was brilliant. He was the funniest guy, but he still would do interviews where he said like women aren't funny and stuff. Well, that rules. Yeah. He was still, he was like, uh, he's one of the voices in, uh, um, Adam Kroll has cartoon.

No, I'm just kidding. He's not a voice in Mr. Birch. He plays, that would be funny. He plays Dr not a voice in mr. Birch. He plays funny place. Dr. Gay guy He plays mr. Straw man my favorite character mr. Birch him They just made a character where it's like a gay guy who is wearing a shirt that says nambla on it It's like come on guys. Yeah, he's, hey, everybody, I want to rape every kid. Like every gay man who ever lived. Oh, that's actually bad to do that. You should be a Republican.

Yeah, you should be a Republican like me who used to be funny in 1997. I don't know. I haven't heard clips of Adam Crowley being funny, actually. I don't know. I got to tell you. Yeah, I thought I like Adam Crowley. I don't really know. I Crowell of being funny. Actually, I don't know. I got to tell you, I thought I like Adam Crowell. I don't really know. I've never really quite had an opinion, but I've never once heard him being funny. He was he was funny on on Love Line in that like very zero

calorie like radio funny, like low grade like the the comedy equivalent of like drinking Soylent where it just never gets over 30 miles an hour. OK right just stays in first gear. But yeah, he just kind of became insane Yeah, I never understood it. I mean I I tried to not even recently I just isn't a guy he just knew Jimmy Kimmel or something. That's literally what happened He was a box Jimmy Kimmel's boxing coach for a like radio sketch on Kevin and the Bean in like 1992 yeah, wasn't he like he was just like an architect for a while wasn't he or something? No, he built he was like a construction guy. Yeah. Yeah

He was like a like a real loser by his words until he was like 35 and just made like nine grand a year He's a North Hollywood guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, LA. That's cool a classic guy Classic I love your German shorts that you're wearing, by the way. Huh? They'll have your German shorts you got for Father's Day. I also have a bucket hat that says Germany on it. Yeah. I go outside and people get out of it's like I'm parting the Red Sea. I feel like I'm Bruce Almighty wearing that hat. You're walking out just as hard as Matzah soup.

wearing that hat walking out just part of Mata so you see a six foot four white guy like me walk into a diner with a big bucket hat that says Germany on it it says Deutschland on it even worse what does that even mean that's what they call Germany Germany yeah that's what Nazis call Germany I didn't know that that makes sense there was a catfish place in Buffalo Gap called Deutschlanders and I always wondered what that meant. That means no blacks were allowed That was a code word for a sundown restaurant in Buffalo Gap. I missed that place so much I looked at the menu the other day. Yeah, like it's I just miss a good like catfish fry You've been getting you're doing like fantasy football for eating. I googled I found a menu from

2007 in Buffalo Gap, Texas. Like I'm doing research, like I'm trying to solve a cold case. You're getting off to the prices. Yeah, it's cereal. It's a cereal podcast, but you're ranking cereals. Yeah. That's very good. That's very good, Devon.

Yeah. It's this American life because you're very fat in your life. I just miss a, God, I miss a nice, you don't have this out in Los Angeles. It really stinks. Oh, that is true.

There is no good southern place. You gotta go to like, like South LA to get like a decent one, but. It's still not quite the same. It's not the same. You can't go to a place South LA to get like a decent one, but it's still not quite the same. You can't go to a place and get like a catfish sandwich, you know, like a po' boy that's actually like worth its salt, like even a New Orleans style. Anything never works.

I've tried a lot of them. They're never that good. Yeah, there's occasionally there's like a couple of places you can go to in like Eagle Rock that's like Southern Fried barbecue and you get there and it's like, you know, yeah, bike messenger hands you like pastrami on a plate a lot of bread a lot of them are like white like like hipster guys that lived in like New Orleans or Nashville for like a couple years away they think they understand like how to like make ribs now they're like I know how to make ribs I moved into New Orleans the day after Hurricane

Katrina yeah yeah it's like kale collard greens. It's fuck off. I just, you can't find hush puppies in Los Angeles. No. It's a damn shame. They really should. It makes me cry sometimes. They should ship. I have crying fits. Because there's no hush puppies.

Hush puppies daddy. Hush puppies daddy. What was that from? I don't know. It makes me laugh. Oh, I think that was literally when we were kids and we, you know, we were Christian and wanted to kill ourselves. We would just do the podcast.

And we I think we saw a fat kid one time go Pepe Daddy. That's possible. Yeah. It's stuck in my head wherever it's from. Mm hmm. Pepe Daddy. Just a little pig boy at Deutschland is going, give me Pepe Daddy. Just like feeding seagulls. Yeah, yeah, just yeah.

He's like Pac-Man. He just lines them up on a table and just walk a walk a walk. People would have families there where it's like it's the equivalent of like a homeless guy with a bunch of seagulls tied to fishing line that he carries around like they're on kites. Like it's his fucking kite. You'd have a family walk in and there it's it's six people in a in a progression of bigger overalls

And they you almost feel like they trade them like how hermit crabs switch six shells They all line up and then hop into the bigger pair of overalls. Well that I love those families, too It's a very specific thing in these places because it's like one guy is in charge because he seems to be the most abled Is in charge because he seems to be the most abled able-bodied like it's a guy with he'd sees fat But he's in the overalls and it's the like the geriatric like old lady his mom. That's mama. Yeah, that's mama That's mama Jean. Yeah, whatever. She's my daughter, but she's aged so quickly. We call it mama Jean Then there's then his son which he calls him boy, right? And then there's like the the the other undesirables Just all around there's my daughter which I have refused to name because she's a girl

And they all kind of sit around and he like divvies up the food He like he just gets a big he's like you should bring me a big bowl of imitation crab And I'll just fuck I've literally seen that guys who like are so into being the patriarch of their family that the waiter will bring Food and then he'll he'll hand that out to the table. Be like, it goes through me. It has to like, it's this weird thing where everything has to go through this figure for some reason.

Like every dinner is like Thanksgiving, like I'm carving the turkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like nobody can, nobody, but no, just the smallest thing, like nobody can handle anything. Everybody is just this. I know what you mean. I don't even, I don't know. It's a bizarre thing.

You see that, you see the, I miss the days of like, you see these people at church, you know every family, you know them by their, you know, defects. Right. You know them by their, you know, they, they really, those are the Thomases. They love their white gravy.

You name them by what's killing them the most They're like the Cosby kids you like oh, that's big lip. Yeah, he got a canola oil stuck in his lip He got oil in his lip. He got hot oil stuck in the hole in his lip from dip to back His face looks like a lava lamp It's guys going DB. Daba DB. Do it. Yeah. Yeah, just a guy covered it then there's just so you know a family covered in boils You know the rest of the Yeah Rooney that's the Italian family right there

You just know families that are affected by like different biblical plagues just oil scars Because they they just they can't not put their face up to the to the frying pan They never cover it. They don't understand they keep they go all all night. There's like These are people that are like chased by like swarms of bees inside their home for their blood sugar inside their home. For their blood sugar. For their blood sugar. They have a great pollinate. If you attack my hummingbirds.

Yeah, a bee stings them and then they're just like, fucking O.D.'s, like it just shot an eight ball. Yeah, a guy who's resilient to bees. Yeah, a bee dies like Jim Belushi at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Dude, that's why all the bees are, that's why the bees are endangered right now. Yeah, because they've all got diabetes. Diabetes.

I just, dude, the more I think about my hometown, the more I just fall in love with it. Yeah, we should go back for an episode. I, dude, I miss the food. The food was great. I mean, you can shit on them all you want or whatever for what, I love them. I think they're great and the food is amazing. They understand food

on a different level. I would love to eat it. Lytle and cattle one more time, which was in the middle of Buffalo Gap in Abilene, Texas. In Perinis was in Buffalo. I'm sorry. Perinis was in. And that was George Bush's favorite steakhouse. Oh, really? Yeah. George Bush would literally like fly in like Peach Cobbler from Perinis to the White House.

Yeah, I'll go. That sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah. They would like land the Air Force one like in a, in like a pasture and like George Bush would walk out and like shoot a cow in the head. Cook that on the grill. Just be strutting in. Yeah. That's great. Cause you, as you're eating the food and preenies, you look out the window and you see all the things that are about to be

executed. Yes. There's a bunch of cows on the deal people There's a line of big fat guys going into a kill trough and they're being read their last rights They go you realize you will be shot in the head. Oh, yeah, but there's a big trough in there You're telling me I get access to the trough. I just I love beef so much much. I want to see it firsthand. This is my one chance I miss that you know what I miss too is like so you don't have natural disasters out in the middle of Texas I guess the occasional flash flood that somehow like kills like 40 people somehow It's like just don't drive right and still people go drive and they drive into rivers and then their car immediately.

It just floats away. And they go, oh no, no. They don't understand the concept of running water. Flash floods always kill people in the middle of Texas. So they've never taken a bath. They don't get it. Yeah, they don't understand. It's so funny because there are no natural disasters.

The occasional tornado, right? Tornadoes especially in the middle of Texas, but the real natural disaster were, it was like rattlesnake dens. People would just like trip, it's like true grit where some guys just looking for arrowheads and he falls back into a rattlesnake den. Just immediately descends into the pits of hell.

Yeah, and somehow the venom like like helps their heart Keeps it beating for another few years. He's sticking a fork into the rouse next and twirling it like spaghetti Darchi fuck I speaking of falling into a big hole I heard about a guy in somewhere in LA County, maybe Ventura You know about these sinkholes how they suddenly open up and a house just disappears Yeah I read about this one like might have been eight years ago a big sinkhole open up in someone's backyard and got the corner of the house and the back wall lowered like that and

The guy's the whole a guy as he's sleeping. He slid off of his bed and he shot, like he bobsledded down this giant hole that opened and they searched for seven days and they never found him and they still, there was just a hole, you know when there's holes, sinkholes, they just put cones around them and guys stand outside the street in LA and nothing really happens. And they go, this is here, this is a hole,

it's here forever now. Damn, I thought that was only for shitty countries. Yeah, apparently it happens here It's in LA and then they can't find the guy He just disappeared and that he was just sleeping and then he he was just started screaming and slid into an abyss Yeah, and he was gone for I'm not even a religious guy But if I knew that guy be like he had to like it fucked like 500 kids or something You wonder you wonder like what the fuck did that guy do like God just opened up the earth and swallowed you into hell because it's

something from like Dante's inferno how do you die in like a biblical way like that's what I'm saying yeah in the middle of the night you got to have to like that would that should be reserved for like genocidal like warlords or something well that's acting like there's any justice or rhyme or reason for anyone dying. He's the greatest person. He's probably an amazing person. They're like, he didn't even have money. He gave it all to charity.

I mean, this is this idea he had to be evil. He was most likely incredible. And as he's sliding in, he goes, I was a great guy. Why? You slid into an abyss and no one gets closure. There's people, there's old people who don't get their meals on wheels that weekend because the earth ate a guy. How the fuck can that be your last few minutes on earth? You falling like eternally through like a void. Yeah.

You have to think that some sort of crazy nightmare you're having. I've thought about that before of like just There are some people who meet the most unfortunate ends and you could be Yeah, you could be one of the guys caught by the toy box killer and then you're just you know You torture for 95 days. Yeah shot in the head imagine. Yeah, like the chant, you know, you're the one guy Yeah, like some somebody breaks you have a lovely marriage. You've been with your wife for 40 years. Worked hard. Worked hard. Achieved the American dream.

Kids, they're success stories, like it's amazing, and then one night some guy with a mask breaks into your home, he ties you and your wife up, and he puts like plates on your back, and if you guys drop the plates, he skull fucks you and blows both your heads off. The guy from the documentary we watched. Yeah, the Golden State Killer.

Yeah, yeah. So one of my favorite, I don't know, we talked about that before. I don't know. Where there was the, it was, that basically happened and then they were interviewing the couple that that happened to. It was like an old 70 year old man and his wife.

And they put the plates on him and he raped his wife in front of him. And you could just see the guy be like, I mean, I just, I swear I'm not a gay pussy, but you know, you get surprised sometimes. It ruined him. Ruined him as a man. It completely ruined him.

Did nothing wrong, by the way. He was tied up, he couldn't do anything. Tied up, had a gun on him, had no idea what was going to happen, and he's still like, I can't. You felt worse for him than you felt for his wife, basically, watching it. Yeah, I was for the guy Because I see myself represented in media exactly. I'm like I can relate to the guy but the woman I have no idea what she's going

Yeah, I go that's me except I would have you know burst those ropes and then fuck that guy in front of my wife I I just that kind of thing I I go to that fantasy often at night of like a guy all of a sudden just walking in the house and then like torture killing me. Yeah, because it's the thing about evil that is hard for me to understand with my like black and white, like biblical brain is the evil without sense. Yes, because in like a movie the villain are all always is like because I was hurt I will hurt others it's the reason why prisoners sucks at

the end because they need a backstory for this this old lady about how she lost a kid or something and now that's why she takes other people's kids so they can understand it would have just been better if she was just an evil person and there was no really happens yeah and there was no sense or order to it There might be a guy who for no reason At all. Yeah walks into my house and start and like I don't know like, you know, Sid and Toy Story He just starts doing that to me like putting weird like yeah, actually that would kick ass if he started if he turned me into like a weird like What is that movie Mars Attacks?

Yeah, a dog guy. If he made, turned my head into a snow globe that's filled with water somehow, but I could still breathe and I have like a weird, oh, yeah, if he turned me basically into the Wild Wild West spider guy, but with a head thing, I would love to do that. If he left, I would actually, I would garnish my wages to pay for the service that he gave me.

As if it's, I took a loan out for plastic surgery to turn into a weird spider octopus guy. That is actually the magical absurdism of you, is I truly believe you would be on the podcast that week. We'd be like, do you want to take a week off from accordion? You're like, no, and then you're grabbing the mic with your metal fucked up. I'm a metal spider.

You got your eight metal hands grabbing the mic. You go, I'm a fucked up retard guy. You'd love it because the guy would be turning you into a Confederate general. But but that truly is the horrifying aspect of life. There's a guy who could be listening to this right now. He like. Go to Jace's house and not do that to me,

but do it to Jace. Go to my house and whip me like a dog until I come out against my will. But no, I'm saying there's literally a guy who could live his life perfectly, start his own mechanic shop. He got abused as a kid, came from a shitty home life. Sends his kids to college and then one day his dad's dying,

he goes to the hospital, he makes peace with his dad, he goes, I forgive you, I truly do, deep in my heart. I've done enough work, I love you. I'm sorry that you couldn't have been a better man. And then it's a beautiful moment, they cry, his dad slips away and then he walks outside and a black kid just stabs him in the neck and then runs away. Yeah, well, they don walks outside, and a black kid just stabs him in the neck and then runs away.

Yeah, well, there'd have to be a black kid, but sure. Well, you know, or a white kid stabs him in the neck. It could be two white kids. Could be eight black kids. Jason, it could have been a mixed kid. It could have been eight black kids, seven white kids. Could have been a Pakistani guy. That I won't stand for.

That's only if you're in Europe. Yeah. That's what I'm a little afraid of. I hear they're real stabby over there. Here, I heard going to London, I didn't know I was on my way to white Afghanistan. That's such a funny thing when you're like, there's a terrorist attack in Australia or like London or whatever. Yeah.

What if they strap a dynamite to a koala and throw it at somebody? Yeah, what the fuck happened? And then it's just like a guy ran around the mall with a knife. Yeah, it's terrifying. He killed like 11 people. It's terrifying. Cut people's limbs off and shit.

I always picture it like, you know how in a video game when it's a POV like this and you're running and you have a knife and kill, kill, kill. Is that how real life works? Is you can stab, stab, stab. It is shocking. So many people got stabbed like run. Like how hard it's hard to stab someone, right?

I think it's pretty easy, actually. It goes right in. It goes right in. Yeah, but you're like, yeah. And then you're stabbing my leg and you just hit an artery. And I can't grab it because then you're going to slice my hands up. Yeah, I'm just trying to like fucking like that. But then you get through and well, I guess I could go for the like the big ones Yeah, I could go for like the lady behind the counter at the Panda Express at the ball sure

I get a couple of them. Oh, you're saying you only stabbed fat people. Yeah, I go for you pick In the herd For fat people what they go like go ahead and make fun of me all you want I am stamp proof I was gonna say that's actually the worst strategy because none of them would die. You wouldn't get to an organ. I guess, okay, I would do this. Thanks for the free lipo, asshole.

Okay, if I'm a lion and I'm looking for gazelles, right? I'm gonna go after the elderly, actually. Because I'm not gonna stab a kid, that's insane. That's crazy, I have morals, but I'm gonna be a terrorist or whatever in Australia Those old people were probably racist anyway, so you know for sure you're kind of justified so I would just kill like little You run up to an elderly couple you stabbed the old woman you go sir. Thank you for your service. I Didn't invite he goes well, thank you anyway for thank you for you. Thank you for what you did with for this country

I wonder what the fuck it what is it like the you know you go to the mall and like they try to get you Sign up for like to die in Afghanistan or whatever sure do they have like that in Australia like in Australian malls or like European malls where there's a guy with like a Sabre like it's like the 1880s and stuff like a guy I know can you do you sign up for the military there? How does that even fucking work? I think you literally sign up to do like Mad Max shit Like you sign up and they put like weird nipple rings on you tied the helmet is Australia have an army Yeah, like why would

Never heard of them having a mother I've never heard of them having a military actually. I've never heard of a military. I mean, I know they fought back in the day, but was that even them or wasn't it British people that, you know, turned into- Well, they were once British. Yeah. Because in Adelaide, they have British accents.

They don't even sound Australian. And they think everybody else sounds retarded in Australia. Yeah. They just say, hello government. I've never heard of aarded in Australia. They just say hello government. Never heard of a military in Australia. Well there's the part. I know Gallipoli and they had trench warfare and all that shit but I still think they weren't,

they were still fermenting at that time. Yeah, they were still cooking. The middle of the country's empty. It's just weird guys who just kind of live in boxes and stuff in like in the desert there's nothing really going on like there's no like economy in the middle of Australia right yeah I'm guessing everybody in the middle of Australia is a serial killer yeah like everybody is a drifter it's all it's all Wolf Creek that movie yeah

it's all drifters truckersers. Yeah. Just weird dudes. People just getting killed by like 50 kangaroos. You walk outside to like, I don't know, like your power goes out and you go to hit the breaker or something. And it's like a kangaroo trap, like a hundred kangaroos. But they don't they don't claw your stomach out. They just beat the shit out of you. All punches, they would it's a kangaroo you'd put your mouth on a curb and And he would hop up really cute like Slam down and curve stop

American history X Did imagine a kangaroo jumping really high and curb stomping somebody? bling bling bling Your your jaw explodes off your head and then the little baby kangaroo comes out of the couch somebody. Boing, boing, boing. Your your jaw explodes off your head and then the little baby kangaroo comes out of the pouch. It just goes, yeah, he picks up my teeth like they're chiclets and runs off with them. Your teeth and just pulls it back into the pouch.

Just to have one. That'd be awesome. That is crazy. I kind of have a fantasy about living in the outback. I think it would. it's cheap as fuck. Everybody is an alcoholic out there. You could do whatever you want in terms of crime. I've seen documentaries about like people get murdered in like towns of nine people

and they can't figure out what's going on. You know the documentary I'm talking about? No, I'll, that sounds fun. There's some doc where there is a town of eight people and one of them got murdered and like they did ever solved. Yeah. They called like the governor of Australia. He's like, ah, who gives you shit? Well, it could be any of the seven. I mean, I mean, what do we, we don't have any scientists.

Is seven people left, mate? There's a lot. You feel like they proposition to roll a die, but they go all but only six sides. Yeah Seven yeah, you only let one man off, you know, they're so retarded they execute everybody Yeah, you'd be like you guys I would but it's 2 p.m. I gotta get fucking drunk and beat my wife Yeah, it's a sick-ass documentary. I've seen some of it. I forget everything about it though, but it's 2 p.m. I gotta get fucking drunk and beat my wife. Yeah, it's a sick ass documentary. I've seen some of it. I forget everything about it though, but it really kicks out.

If you live in the eight person town in the middle of the outback, do you wake up and you're like, why am I, why do I exist? Why am I alive? No, I think your life rules, actually. I think it's like you are, you don't have to,

dude, you're out. Yeah, of the system, you mean? You're on Mars. You're fucking out, man. You're out. It's hot every day, it's the dry air, which really helps your lungs, by the way, because I went up, I went to...

What, do you have tuberculosis or something? I went up to Ojai, California, about an hour and a half. I thought you were talking about Ohio, yeah. Oh, no, no, no, I've never, no, I went to Ohio to to the mountains, to the dry air up there. And I went to a museum in Ohio because I wanted to learn about the the Nazis. The German freaks. I heard the most Nazi scientists move to Ohai. Isn't that wonderful?

Everybody actually moved there and then genocided the Chumash people. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like weird, like a weird German guy, I think, like a vaguely German name went up there and they declared it like a sanatorium. Sanatorium. Sanatorium. Sanatorium. sanatorium. Sanitarium. Sanitarium.

Sanitarium. Sanitarium. I don't know. Crazy person house? I'm really retarded. It's the, whatever, what's the thing when people are sick and they go to it but it's the old thing? I think it's a sanatorium.

I don't know. I have no idea. I'm retarded. I'm retarded and I got no sleep. Like a sick people place. Yeah, a sick people place but like when it wasn't real where where they were like let the air come in at night because that's how The evil spirits leave My wife's being kind of annoying I'm gonna send her here and they're gonna drill a big hole in the back of her head

Yeah, or just like guys with weird like turbo turbo turbo Mr. Reader What if it's reading these great books, like M-M-Moby, da-da-da-da, dick. Fuck. Did you figure out you've been reading Wishbone this whole time? But I learned a lot about the Chumash people.

Let me tell you, I mean, these people, they were there 12,000 years, and then we came. The Chumash, yeah let me tell you. I mean, these people, they were there 12,000 years and then we came. The Chumash, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like they had enough time to build them all and they didn't, so. They had a 12,000 year head start and we still fucking, we pile drive them out of existence.

But we needed our, to have this. Yeah, there's a beautiful golf course in Ojai so that needed to happen. I read the land was good for cattle You can't just keep fishing and and hunting and gathering ever take off the cloth over your dick Put some pants on and get to the Irvine Spectrum Center. Get a damn job. All right. There's yard houses to be built The guy in the old west going, get a damn job. Get a damn job you free fuck, you crow. Fuck you.

There's two old women that run the museum and I like talk to them. Like oh, we're not neo-Nazis. We're actually very liberal. We're actually old Nazis. We're not neo, it's old. We're old, we can't be neo-Nazis if we were the old Nazis. We're not neo. It's old. Yeah, we can't be neo Nazis if we were the original Nazis. We're not new.

We were not new Nazis. We're pre-Nazis. I was a Nazi in 1911. I was the first Nazi. I'm a prehistoric Nazi. I said, what if we called it Nazis? It's clearly the gray hair, no makeup makeup thing like about teaching me about indigenous people White ladies that they have magical powers because they like decided to like care about like Native American history

In this room and they also do this bullshit thing where they go they go well They were organic they lived the way we should and then you go then what they're like very many cases of Indians genociding Indians and they go well that's not I didn't yeah I didn't Google that that's not true they brought me over to this exhibit so I could learn about the Chumash people and the exhibit of the Chumash people they're all I don't know who decided this was a good idea but the Indians are like do one of them is doing this he He's on- Oh, the fake Indians.

Yeah, yeah, that's an exhibit. Yeah, yeah. They're like, like- Oh, it was a reenactment type of thing. It's a real guy. They made these- He's chained up. They put them in like animal poses.

I'm like, you can't make them like not be squatting like that, it just, it seemed very, it felt very weird. Well, that's how they walked, right? Yeah. Like, frogs. They walked, yeah, they were always using squatty-potties out there. They hopped. Squatting like that. It just it seemed very it felt very well. That's how they walked right? Yeah, let me what I said They walked yeah, they're always using squatty bodies The Native American genocide was just like Frogger just ran over with They never learned how to walk upright they hop you go to the they go and this is a depiction of a

Traditional native tribe and it's just a guy eating shit out of his own ass. Yeah, I heard we tried to work with them Mm-hmm. We gave them blankets. It didn't say that anywhere in the museum. I looked for that What did they say? We said they were here for 12,000 years and then we got and then we got there and then we didn't even What we do we were like and then that guy decided that the land was good for cattle,000 years and then we got there. And then we got there and then we didn't even, what'd we do? We were like, and then the guy decided that the land was good for cattle. And then they decided the dry air cured people with asthma and stuff. So then we just moved there.

And then like every city in America, they were killed in 45 seconds somehow. Yeah, it's kind of like in a book when a character just disappears from it. It's just someone's writing and then all of a sudden that character's just gone when I was reading I'm like, but what happened they were here for? 12,000 years not a single door And they didn't even invent 12,000 years just just there's a draft all the time in the TP

Not never once thought to have a thing that closed you could open at your leisure. Maybe a shade Yeah, you know something here's the interesting thing though. They took great care of the earth The soil was never didn't have enough magnesium and it wasn't like over cropped, right? And or whatever the fuck so the and then the streams weren't polluted and the air was or whatever the fuck. So and then the streams weren't polluted and the air was always fresh and they knew how to control the populations in terms of what they were killing to make sure things were dying off. So there was no like so everything was in sync, right?

Like they took very good care of it. And then we got here. Yeah. And then came disease and STDs and, you know, evil. Do we have? Yes. Is that a noun? I'm assuming. They didn't have some weird fire crotch thing spread amongst the natives?

I've always assumed STDs kinda actually just came from gay guys. Right? You know, half accurate. Cause here's the thing, you can drink pee without getting sick and that comes out of a vagina. And a penis. And you can drink and like vaginal cum without getting sick vaginal cum Well, like the cum the discharge. Yeah the discharge. I never made a woman come I don't know what you're talking about

You can't eat poop. You can't eat poop. You can't eat You can't eat the poopoo. Mm-hmm. You can't do it and're saying gay guys are eating the poo poo and then they're causing STDs? Think about it. Think about what ruins the gut biome. What ruins the gut biome? What causes... I'm actually, I'm going to look up if all STDs come from being gay. We had.

Google's just like, yes, period. Syphilis and stuff. We had syphilis long before like AIDS and all that shit. Sure. Yeah, yeah, but civilization existed I'm gonna see if These existed like 12,000 years ago. Yeah, we dug up a guy who had a I think it's just dirty Pussies and and and you know vinegar dicks that were just old what imagine fucking in the old west yeah

Oh actually s CDs have been around since the dawn of man But it could have been around since the dawn of man. Yeah, there you go. But it could have been a gay guy. Yeah, a million years ago. I killed Jesus because he had AIDS. I love we in an ice sheet, we find the first gay cave man. He's just he's got AIDS. He's got like the Philadelphia hat on.

He's all frail. Oh, so here's an interesting biological argument for The one of the foundations of Christianity Mmm, it says here it's Paul because syphilis has been around since at least the Middle Ages, right? But millions of years ago there was herpes. Okay, you know that right? Yeah, and if you don't have herpes you're like Yeah, you're a fucking huge loser. Yeah, you're pussy. Yeah, I don't think I have it actually but I think like 70% of the population has SV one, but they have no symptoms. I say HSV one I got a blood I thought I had herpes forever not dick herpes But I know if I'm like stressed or if I get like no sleep. I'll get like a cold sore

Yeah, that's herpes. Yeah, but they my tests came back. They said no herpes, but yeah, I don't trust them Yeah, I don't think herpes tests can or whatever. Yeah, that's herpes. Yeah, but my tests came back. They said no, herpes. Yeah, I don't trust them. Yeah, I don't think herpes tests can actually work either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So riddle me this. It says it's possible STDs are what encouraged humans to stick to monogamous pairings. Now that kind of makes sense because I think

the King James version of the Bible was around the 1400s or the 1500s, right? When they compiled all the texts. and then it says syphilis has been around since at least the Middle Ages and that syphilis Would like a blow. I render you blonde. Yeah, I killed Al Capone. Yeah. Oh really Rod is Rod his brain Yeah, if I'm treated like eats your flesh. Yeah, it ain't the inside. Yeah, it turned Al Capone Italian He started fitting in really well with the gangsters. They're like, oh god, it's eating his brain. He's like, oh, DJ Krazy. DJ Krazy.

I love the caps and sores. Amelation brick. What if I dressed like a huge fucking retard in every era? Is that why those guys called themselves the Untouchables? Because they didn't want to give them syphilis. They wore big body condoms when they fought him, when they did karate on him. But it says it's possible S.E.S.

are what encourage human sick to monogamous pairings. I think that kind of makes sense. If you don't want to get back in the day, if you did, you'd want to fuck a virgin and you yourself would want to be a virgin and stay With them forever and if there was infidelity committed that could be Very very bad for your health. That would be the equivalent of you imagine today this day and age Imagine if you will your wife cheats on you and you're actually mad because you've been having sex with her and now you could have Terminal cancer essentially, right? because you've been having sex with her and now you could have terminal cancer, essentially. Because you could have something that's a worm

that's eating your brain and making you blind and making you be in the bed like this. That's all the diseases back then, is someone would be in a bed and go. Yeah. And there would be like an old, ugly lady who would sit there and put a wet cloth on your head. He'd be like, oh, you're so ugly.

You're an ugly old woman. He's dying. He's dying from being a life disease. He's dying from existing. I'm going to check him off. I'm going to check him off. We need to put leeches on him. Now I'm going to go throw this shit in the street.

That was why there was so much disease, you know in England was they had no poop Yeah, they would only they had a chamber pot the shit in it And when the shit got full they would just pour it out the fucking window And people walk on the street would just get hit with shit all the fucking time. Yeah, yeah I think if you own this the muck raking company You like were a billionaire by the way And they would just bring the shit to like one part, one corner of the street. And they would like put all the shit there.

Yeah, they put it like near the like the one Pakistani house. Just cover the outside of it with shit. I only know about that because I was I was watching this documentary about Shakespeare and they said that like no one really knows how he died but like they pretty sure he just drank so much he died when he was 50. Like he's pretty good for that era. Yeah.

He went to the doctor and they're like, you have to start, stop throwing parties every night. But he went from, he basically, he went to London. He was Shakespeare. He, the king loved him and he, you know, did Shakespeare shit for 10 years and he was badass and everyone thought he was kick-ass And he ruled and then Shakespeare he learned that his like son died or something and he's like He's like, okay. I'll go back to my shitty

Like hillbilly town where I've abandoned my family where my son died It wasn't like you just like book a flight you gotta like that's you're like Oh, yeah, you gotta walk there. You're gonna fucking what I don't know what they did stagecoaches and fucking I think like a donkey or something boars camels Yeah horse, and then you'd have to shoot it halfway and just kind of like walk Yeah, but then then Shakespeare had to like make the voyage back home to Avon Avon Vaughn some some gay shit and in the middle of nowhere and then his he and then at no one knew he

Kicked ass and everybody thought he was cool and that he was a millionaire and everyone's like Shakespeare sucks ass Why is he back? He like abandoned his his family's only coming back now that his son died And he wanted to prove to everybody how rich he was, so he bought tons of big property, and everyone was like, oh, he is actually really cool. And then he couldn't stop throwing parties, because in London he was just being like a, having gay sex and doing the play thing. That's funny, Shakespeare felt they needed to show off,

like people didn't. They're like, Shakespeare is now inward rich. That's that new money. That's that new money. That's that new money. He's got a new carriage every night. Yeah, yeah. That's why he showed up in that big frilly thing you wore on his neck. And they go, oh, he's all that looks good.

I figured I figured out why they wear those things. Why? For eating pussy? Yeah. For you. And so when you're eating shit, it doesn't fall on your clothes. And then you get when you're done eating You just turn it so it's behind you now. They didn't want to bathe that much and those It's called starched You know collars. Yeah, you know when you start something it just makes it really hard. Yeah

Yeah They would start their Under shirt thing and they had these collars that they tucked in and it would catch all the dirt and like sweat from your head Onto that thing and the wider your like knickers were down here and the wider that thing was Devin gave me a look Children's down our spine. Sorry. I don't think they're called knickers. I think I just called them that you'd I forget what they're called I think they're just leggings. Well, that's called pants, but I think we left that the past reason You could also you could also add bockers to the end Yeah, that is what's a little mix are the New York knicker bockers. Yeah, can we just call them tube socks?

They're just long tube socks. Yeah, sure. Let's call him that he anyway his Allen Iverson sleeves To cover all his Chinese riding tattoos, yeah the the wider those were the more rich you were and then since they did they always Apparently everybody smelled like shit. Mm-hmm. So like these things caught all the shit. Yeah stuff I love why they were I love we were so retarded for so long Like he lived next to a river and could just walk into it and be fine But we had to invent all these ways and like these perfume like people would pay thousands of dollars for perfume back permaceti They put whale what they thought was whale come on there on themselves and stuff. It wasn't welcome No, it was it's the liquid inside of a whale's head that it makes it where they can produce these

These clicks and these beeps for them to communicate with one another and it also helps them Control the the the barometric pressure and all this stuff when they dive and makes them go up Were they all upset when they when it wasn't whale come did they all get mad? That's why they ended whaling because they're like we've been had We've been trying to find that come for years we can't find it. Why do you think the Japanese were so good at it? That's all they cared about They wanted to be bathed in like beasts come. Yeah, yeah monster come. Yeah I'm gonna get in this glass table and let the whale shit on top of me

And shit the size of a Volkswagen But The reason I brought up Shakespeare is he kept he was one of those guys where he went to the doctor He's like you're gonna die if you keep getting fucked up every night on whatever the fuck they drank then I think it was mead and like he didn't stop and then he just died Shakespeare was basically like Joey in the Middle Ages Yeah, but I don't know how like how do you like back then if you just kept getting fucked up You died when you were like 50. I don't I don I genuinely don't get it. They genuinely did not have any medicine.

That's a great life for that era. What are you talking about? That's awesome, he got fucked up all the time, he was Shakespeare and he died at 50? That's like being eight, dying at 80. Because what are they gonna do? Literally the medicine made you worse. You would go to the doctor, I think we talked about this

before, William Henry Harrison or William McKinley, he got shot and he died not from the gunshot wound, they shoved eggs and cigar smoke up his ass for a month and he starved to death basically. That was the reason he died. They poured eggs, coffee and cigar smoke up his ass. That just sounds like a Friday night to me. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I just, I don't get why, I guess, because we have omega-33 now and like clean water Yeah, and like we take showers. We just lived we can get fucked up every night and make it to like 65 Have you seen a picture of a 30 year old from like 1960? They look like one of the ants from war to the rings. They look at older than time itself I guess I've seen that photo of like a soldier before time itself. I guess I've seen that photo of like a soldier before the Civil War and after, but before he still looks like shit. You ever see a true crime documentary about like a couple that was killed like in like the late 70s or even

the 80s? It'll have a picture of them and they look like they're like they've been together for 20 years, they're 45 years old, and it'll end, and they go, they were both 17 years old. That guy was fully bald. Yeah, they looked like shit, just even in the 80s. Because they literally didn't even drink water. We didn't even know water was good for you back then. Everyone then had the stress of the president.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where like after five years they've aged 30 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they were buying houses for $5, but somehow. Yeah, what were they fucking so stressed about? I guess the Cold War and the black people having rights and stuff. Getting old sucked then, cause like if you got old and your hearing went,

you would just have to hold a big horn up like this to like hear your grandson. Huh? Huh, say it. What's that? Say the slurred louder for me. I want to hear some zest out of it, boy. Come on.

They make a bad puppy. Yell it down. My boy anger that slurred right into their boy. I got to take a big shit. OK, can we end? Yes, sure. I have to take a big shit. I'm going to just going to pull your pants to the side to take the shit. That's for the page like a whore getting fucked

The patron episode I'm giving birth to an eight to an eight ounce turd into your hands like that Did you eat that? Did you eat that halal that I got? Devin Devin ordered a wall food for us at 1 30 in the morning and I didn't eat mine until the next day I was a good I was good, but I ate it. I ate a whole lunch that my wife made and then I So it's like I just basically like, you know, I still I should have just ate it when you when you You should have gone for it because I still ate too. I ate an extra meal still. You know what I mean? Yeah. I did that and then I was like,

can you just like buy one get one free thing. So I just got him one. Can you just like, you're not gonna have this pasta too? I'm like, but I ate the, and I was like, oh and I just sat down, I ate a ton of pasta. You really are like Tony Soprano. You're always like at dinner, like they had a late lunch. You still eat the whole dinner.

Yeah. A guy who always feels peckish. Yeah. You somehow, you live like a guy that is constantly meeting people for lunch So you're like you have to like monitor like how many fucking dinners you've had that day, but you don't do anything He's here. Oh, you like a guy whose parents are always in town Jesus I gotta do it. I gotta do it for my baby girl. Yeah I'm breastfeeding now. I'm Gotta eat a lot of food on six nipples like a dog. Let's uh, let's go over to the patreon now on this

I'm this blessed Father's Day. Oh, yes. Happy Father's Day Ben. Thank you, buddy I appreciate that. I actually do appreciate it. I had a great day with with her and Anyway, that's great. I know you don't want to hear about it. I'm not gonna bore you with the details I'm sure she said a lot Sure, she was fascinating. Yeah, I'm sure she got you something really good She really went all out for you. It's been a lot of money. She earned that week on a nice present for you You've ruined your life fucking freeloader on a nice present for you, you've ruined your life. Fucking freeloader.

How funny would it be if it gradually, we don't even that outwardly say it, you can just tell we hate Ben's skin. It's just slowly starting to seep into the show. Yeah. With just like weird backhanded comments. She's awesome. She, you know, she made me really proud yesterday

as I was lowering her into the bath. She pointed at a black guy walking outside. Yeah, through the window. She said, back a ball. She's dribble. Back a ball. As I was lowering her into the bath like this, she started shitting into my hand

and it was kind of like a frozen, like a like frozen, like soft soft soft. And you're squishing it to make it do this. It just did that in my hand. I kept lowering it as like shit is like, that's funny. You really get to go. She's awesome. You put on top of the whole all food just because the the biological chemicals in my brain go, yeah, I'm, she's, fuck, I'm just throwing the shit.

I'm bawling the shit and throwing it in the toilet. I'm like, she's awesome. Not missing. Yeah, I miss completely that. You go, ah. Pfft. And just blood splatter the wall. Shit.

It is perfectly. I go, Kobe. Kobe, it looks like a Dexter Cribs scene with shit everywhere. Yeah, Katie will clean that up. What do you say, Devin? No, it is perfect for you having a kid because you have always been obsessed with shit. That's what I do all day.

My house smells like shit. There's constant diapers and stuff. It's awesome. Yeah. It kicks ass. She's the best. But anyway, I'm not gonna bore you guys with the details, you know I'm not gonna I'm not gonna bore you guys with being my friend So let's and we really appreciate let's let's move on over to the patreon for real. All right, I love you guys

My best friends in the whole world likewise. Happy Father's Day Father's Day to you guys and Patreon calm slash lemon party we're gonna head over there right now so go go over there We have like 90 episodes or some shit on over there And there's yellow king episodes up and if you want to get your name on the podcast in the credits sign up for the yellow Kings tier alright everybody see you over there peace bye bye and the credits sign up for the yellow Kings tier alright everybody see you over there peace bye bye Ads do one ad real quick yeah go ahead okay here. We go. This is for hello fresh Jason Out in the West Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girls. Nighttime would find me in Rosa's cantina.

Music would play and Polina would whirl. Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina, wicked and evil while casting a spell. My love was deep for this Mexican mate. I was in love but in vain I could tell. One night a wild young cowboy came in, wild as the West Texas wind.