Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - Getting Honest with Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

I sit down with the hilarious and refreshingly candid Nikki to talk about why the heck she's been on again/off again with the same boyfriend for 10 years, the stereotype that all comedians are insecure, red flags for spotting a narcissist (hello, love bombing!), how meeting your idols is always a letdown, when you should first sleep with a guy, and why giving your partner freedom could be the best thing to make them not stray.A word from my sponsors:Go to Stir.com/GO today to get 25% off any Stir subscription package, OR send to your single friends to try it out!Save 15% and get free shipping on your Starter Kit when you use code LETSBEHONEST at www.branchbasics.comGet 50% off plus free shipping on your first box of fresh, healthy food at TheFarmersDog.com/honestGo to SKIMS.com to shop the SKIMS Fits Everybody collection and more perfect-fit essentials. Plus, get free shipping on orders over $75! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey, and be sure to select Let's Be Honest in the dropdown menu.Use code HONEST at Loft.com to receive $25 off your full-price purchase. ***LOFT Episode Description Disclaimer: Offer valid 9/19 through 1/1/2024 at 2:59am ET only at LOFT.com when you enter code HONEST at checkout. Valid on in-stock full-price merchandise, excluding sneak previews, third-party merchandise, and cashmere. Total full-price purchase must exceed $25 before taxes and shipping & handling are applied. Offer not combinable with total store promotions, free shipping on qualifying orders of $99+, or other discounts unless otherwise stated. In the event of a return, the discount will be deducted from refund and may not be re-used. Not redeemable for cash. May not be applied towards payments on outstanding credit balances, purchases of gift cards or e-gift cards, or, except as stated in our Return Policy, adjustments to prior purchases, returns, or exchanges.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. What's up, you guys? Happy Tuesday. I am here in LA in studio and welcome to Let's Be Honest. I'm your host, Kristen Cavallari, and I am sitting here with one of the most badass women. She's a stand-up comedian. She hosted FBoy Island. She had her own show on E! She's an actress. She's been in movies and on TV shows. Of course, you guys, I am talking about the very funny Nikki Glaser.

Thank you, Kristen. I'm so excited that you're here. I'm so excited to meet you. I feel like I just met. When? I think I came on your podcast a bajillion years ago. You did. No, this is a thing I have.

I black out when I meet people I'm really excited to meet. And especially in that kind of setting where, like, I've done this to Larry Larry David, like one of my heroes, where I was like, it's the first time we met. And he goes, no, we've met before. Oh, how funny. It's a thing like I can't process it. It keeps happening to me. It's not all it says is that I really do like you because I black it out if I meet you. But you were so yeah, I was on your show like briefly. Yes. Yes. Yeah. When you came in. Oh, yeah. And that's right. I was filming very Cavalieri and I went on your podcast. And you came and did a serious tour. Made the rounds. Yeah. Okay. How funny. That's so embarrassing. I'm sorry that I did that to you. No, no, no. That's okay. I'm now, I'm taking it as a compliment.

You should. Because when there's someone that I really like, like I am never forgetting that moment when I meet them. You would think that would be that way for me, but it's this weird just thing my brain does lately that I've because there's no rhyme or reason for it that I wouldn't remember meeting you or Larry David. But it's happened to me both times. Well, because it's embarrassing to like one up someone. Oh, we've met before. Like, I'm not trying to be cool.

But I feel like people do do that, by the way. Oh, and it's nice to see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of meet you. That's the safe one. You got to do it because sometimes we do meet people and you do. But you know, if someone says it's nice to see you, I just know that they don't know if they've met me or not.

It's never like they do know. It just means they don't know. Completely agree. Well, you are extremely busy. We were just talking about that off camera. So I really appreciate you squeezing me in. Yes, I like I am turning down podcasts right now because you get everyone has a podcast.

But the second I saw this, I was like, hell yeah. I love you. Because it's a good chance to like get to know someone. I think on my serious show, you were probably just in for like 15 minutes.

This is going to be like an hour or so of us hanging out. Exactly. You can forge a friendship in podcasts. It's true because after this, we are going to be best friends. Yeah, because what other time would we sit down for an hour to talk?

Like it would be if we went out to like on a date. Yeah, exactly. I've met people and felt like, oh, you know, we're friends now after these things. I agree. I agree. Until the next time I see you and I go, we've never met. So good to see you. It's so nice to see you. OK, well, I'm so excited to talk to you because, of course, you're so funny. I just think you have the best personality. But you also have such an interesting story when it comes to your love life. So I want to break that all down. So I feel like let's just jump right in.

Let's do it. You've been on and off with your current boyfriend for nine years. It's 10 years now. 10 years. On and off. But we're on right now. So we'll be off soon. How many times have you guys broken up? Like countless times.

Really? Yeah. The most recent one I think was last July. So like a year. It's been a year of no breakups. Wow. Is that the longest it's gone? It might be.

It's like, it's just, I don't know why we do it. I really have to examine it. I do know that I am totally scared of commitment. And I think for so long, I thought that he was the one because it's just easier to be the girl to tell yourself that you're the archetype of the girl. That's like, I want to get married and he won't settle and settle down with me.

And like, I'm chasing him around and he just doesn't want to commit. I chose him because he was the type of person that wouldn't commit. I knew he was. He always said, I don't want to get married, all these things. So I chose that person. And now i think it's switched like he's more of the one that's like he's now ready to like move forward with things and i am realizing oh i didn't plan for this and i don't like this i'm scared of this even though i love him i'm just deciding to be with someone forever

reminds me of death, I think. Oh, my God. Because it's like, till you die. And anything that's like, this is the last thing you'll do, I don't care if it's the best thing at all. It just makes me feel scared. Like, claustrophobic?

Yeah, and just... Where does that come from? Like, if someone were to even... I don't own a house. I don't own a car. Oh, wow. So you really are. I don't like buying, like investing in things. So, but where does that come from?

Is that something from your childhood? I feel like most things are still together. Wow, that's fascinating then. But I am someone that, you know, I never liked Christmas because it would be over. I don't like my birthday. I like my birthday Eve. I like Christmas Eve. I like the anticipation.

I don't like once I've gotten something. And I think that's probably why I like this career, because it never feels like you've made it. And you probably sense that to any achievement you have. You're like, I did it. And then you wake up the next morning like, OK, what's the next mountain I have to climb? Yeah, it's so true. So why keep going back to him instead of just trying new guys? I have tried new guys. And that's the thing is like, I go back to him and I feel like that's, it's made me learn like, there's not much better out there.

Like, I think that we break up with people because we go, I deserve better. I want better. And there are things that I did deserve more of. And I think he worked on those things in those years apart.

Sometimes, you know, we've been off and on and sometimes it's been a day off. Sometimes, you know, we've been off and on, and sometimes it's been a day off. Sometimes it's been a couple weeks, months, years. So we've gone all different distances apart. And I think the last time we broke up, I was like, I had dated some people that made me feel a certain way that I go, well, I haven't felt this way in this relationship ever before. So there's a new bar that you have to raise the bar to get me back. And he did. He raised the bar. And so I was able, he's changed. And they say you can't change a man.

And there's many ways in which he hasn't changed and I haven't changed. But there have been like, he's grown. I think it takes men longer to work on themselves or like address some repetitive behavior and things like that. Okay, but he's working on it. Yeah.

That's all you can ask for. I really think at the end of the day, like if you have a guy who's willing to do the work, it says he cares enough about you to do that. Because I think a lot of guys, they won't do it. They won't face the music. I think you're so right. And that's what my girlfriends always say to me

whenever I talk about this. As long as you have a guy that loves you and is willing to do the work. And I'm like, but what if it's not working? What if the work's not working? As long as they're just still willing to do it? No,. And I'm like, but what if it's not working? What if the work's not working? As long as they're just still willing to do it? No, at some point you do have to assess and essentially cut things off.

No, but I think he knows that I'm more emotionally intelligent than him. And that really means a lot to me because it means that he knows he's lacking in an area that he has to grow. Like he went to lunch with like a girlfriend of his and which my girlfriends were like, what does she look like?

What is it? And I just was like, I don't care. And because I trust him and he went out and after that, he had like processed so much emotionally

because when guys hang out, they're not talking about their feelings. But this girl, friend of his, is talking on an emotional level and he was able to like share some stuff

and I could tell a difference in him, a lightness after he was able to talk about his feelings. I'm like, it's hard for them though. They're just not, I'm, it's so easy for me to be just frustrated. Like, why don't men want to go to therapy? Why don't they want to talk about their feelings? Why don't they want to cry? Why won't they address their anger? But it's, it's, they weren't conditioned to, and this is all a new thing that we're like thrusting on them and just because Michael Phelps did an ad where he's going to therapy doesn't mean that they can just like I know instantly get it I know I'm like I want that super manly man who's gonna like build me a house but who's also in touch with his emotions it's

like oh really but not too much not like sobbing but like a single tear like no wonder I'm still single I'm searching for something that probably doesn't exist. It's really a hard, it's not easy for them. And I do realize that it's a tall order, so I'm understanding. But yes, it's the going back and forth. I don't know how women don't do that and just get back together. You might be onto something, honestly. Have you done it? No. So I've actually never gone back to an ex. Really? Yeah.

The only time I did was, so I dated Brody Jenner when I first moved up to LA. He was my first boyfriend in LA. I think everyone has to when they move here. Well, yeah. I think that's part of it. But so we broke up. We dated for about a year, broke up. And then I went and filmed The Hills years later.

And so I was around Brody. Yes. And we hooked up one time, but it was like, it was lost. It was gone. That's the only time in my life I've ever gone back to an ex. That's really impressive. I know. Cause I think when I'm just done with someone, like that's it, I'm done. I lose. It's like a switch goes off and I have no more feelings for you whatsoever. That's diabolical. I mean, I guess it's good. No, it's good though. I don't know it does suck to because I am someone who do you feel that way in like business decisions and like when you make a decision on something that's even if you're like struggling with it once it's done there's no looking back I'm very decisive I know what I like what I don't like and it's just like boom on and

then I never harbor in it I'm not like was that the right decision you're not like no I just filled with regret yeah oh that's really good that's something I'm not like, was that the right decision? You're not like, no, I just trust in myself. Yeah. Oh, that's really good. That's something I'm working on because regret is, it's such a worthless feeling because you can't go back

and change anything. You're mad at yourself for, why was I so dumb? Why did I say that thing? Why didn't I say that thing? And it's like, because you did it. Exactly.

You were trying your best in the moment. Why wouldn't you have been trying your best? Of course you were. It wasn't going to happen. But that's when you learn. Yes. So I think instead of being like,

God, why was I such an idiot? It's more like, okay, I learned. So next time I won't do the same thing. But the decisiveness is so good. It's such a good quality. And I have that in many ways. But I think that with an... And there haven't...

Every time I break up with him, I do think it's going to be forever. You do? Yeah. How does it come back together? Like, are you reaching out? Is he reaching out? Has it been a combination? Yeah, because we it come back together? Like, are you reaching out? Is he reaching out? Has it been a combination?

Yeah, because we always part on kind of good terms where it's like there's hurt there, but it's like, we'll see something that reminds us of each other. And I think I do. I think that I did get a really good guy early on. Like, I found a guy that was meant for me, but we were just not. The timing was wrong. I mean, we all talk about timing of like when we meet in our lives.

And I don't think we were right for each other 10 years ago. It was like, it was a bad relationship. I was desperate for a boyfriend. I had never really had a boyfriend before. I'd had like long distance things or I would pursue a guy with a girlfriend who I knew I couldn't have because I was scared of intimacy.

And I was scared of someone liking me because I didn't like myself. And I still struggle with that. But I am now, I've grown to a place where I am more comfortable with someone actually loving me. And he has turned into someone

because he, I don't think he, he shouldn't have loved me back then. I was just desperate. I would have taken any kind of, not that he was abusive or anything, but I would have taken anything because I just wanted a boyfriend. Yeah.

And I wanted him and he was abusive or anything, but I would take in anything because I just wanted a boyfriend. Yeah. And I wanted him. And he was like this prize that I got. And then I think eventually he now like loves me. So I've never been loved in this way. It's uncomfortable for me. Oh, it's sweet. It is. Because you don't love yourself.

Is that what it is? Yeah, because I struggle with that. Like no matter how much success I have or how much therapy I do, I have like chronic low self-esteem that comes back in and I can push it down and let in the good. I'm not miserable all the time. But yeah, I question people who like me too much because it's like, well, then what's wrong with you? Wow. It's strange. It kills me. I know it sucks. Well, so there is this stereotype,

obviously, with comedians that really they're all super insecure. I know it sucks. Well, so there is this stereotype, obviously with comedians, that really they're all super insecure. I mean, I've met my fair share of comedians. So I can shed a little light on it. But obviously this is your world. What's your take on that? So do you think that most of them are? I think it's dead on. I think all of them are.

And if you're not, what are you doing this for? Because this is a weird profession that you, first of all, having a sense of humor is, I believe it is an adaptation to get people to like you when you feel like you're inherently unlikable. Yeah. So I'm I don't look the way I want to look. I'm not I'm not the status I want to be. So if I become the class clown, people won't pay attention to the fact that I'm whatever, poor or fat, like whatever, like ugly. I I think that I developed

my sense of humor, not because my family's super funny. They are like all the things. I have all the things that goes, oh, that person would be funny. But I think my sense of humor really comes from a place of, I'm not enough if I don't have an extra talent, an extra gimmick.

Like I got to get people to like me by being charming. And I think that's why, I mean, I like being a nice person. I am a nice person, and you're a nice person. You're so pretty to be as nice as you are. Because you don't need to be. You're so sweet.

When you're that pretty, you don't really need to be. No one thought I was nice a long time ago. I've had to really work on that. Well, you are. And I can just, just from even before we began, like I could just, I just sense it that you're a kind person. And that's an adaptation because you want love

and you want to get it back. So you have to do it if you don't. So there has to be, I do believe that comedians, when they say they love themselves and they have so much bravado, it's a lie to me. Or I just don't think they're funny. I just don't think that's possible. But see, it's fascinating to me

because for me, getting up on stage and being vulnerable, because I mean, you guys are vulnerable. You're talking about your real lives. You're pulling from your real lives for your material. That to me is the scariest thing on the planet. Yeah. So I'm always like, but you have to have some sort of confidence to get up on that stage. You're not wrong. Be yourself. I think we're narcissists. Like there's a narcissism of like, I know that I should I I am angry. Holy shit. You're blowing my mind right now narcissists. Like there's a narcissism of like, I know that I should, I am angry. Holy shit, you're blowing my mind right now, actually.

Like my, if I'm going to my darkest place, I know that I should have been born prettier and more. You are the prettiest. I'm prettier. You're the gorgeous, but like you are easily the prettiest comedian out there. I know this sounds ridiculous.

I want to say that I acknowledge my pretty privilege and all the things like I definitely, I'm not saying I'm an uggo or anything like that. I'm just speaking from a place of like my truth, which is I felt I had a really beautiful sister and I felt like invisible around her. And I did not figure out how to do makeup and like spray tans and stuff until so late. So this is all kind of new. And I was just kind of like average, you know, which is fine. But I felt resentful that, you know, I know that I deserve to have all the attention on me. And I don't get why that girl gets it because she was born looking like that. And I don't.

It's not fair. And so there was like a there is a narcissism in that of like, I deserve attention. And so, yeah, you have it's contradictory. But I think but narcissism at the core is insecurity. They're the most insecure people on the planet. I will say, though, you're not a narcissist because you just said, because you're willing to admit that there is narcissism there. I'm not a full-blown narcissist.

You're not full-blown because all narcissists are like, you are. I'm not. You are. Yeah, they're like, that's what's fascinating about narcissists. They are incurable. Because to be able to cure it, you have. I'm not. You are. Yeah, they're like, that's what's fascinating about narcissists. They are incurable. Because to be able to cure it, you have to want to change. And they don't want to change because they're perfect.

Because they're perfect. And as much as you'll tell a girl dating a narcissist, like, but at the core of it, he's insecure. It doesn't help because he's never going to see it. Ever. And it takes a long time to see it, too. Because obviously, they're the most charming people on the planet at first. Oh yeah. They're con artists.

And they shine the light that they want on themselves, on you. And so they look at you the way they look at themselves because they see like almost an extension of themselves in you. And it's the greatest feeling. We could do an entire hour on narcissists. I've had a few in my life.

Really? Yeah. I mean, even my dad and I had to cut my dad out of my life. And for a long time, that's what I was dating because that was what I knew. Of course, it wasn't until the last like three years. I've been like, holy shit. Like, what are the red flags for you now? Well, so I know it's so interesting because people ask me that and I'm like, it's really hard to tell at first. But I will say the one I think way you can really tell is if you guys

are having a heated conversation or you're like, hey, this kind of bugged me or whatever. If they immediately turn it around on you, like here's an example. So I was dating one guy who was extremely busy. And I was like, listen, like, why don't you just call me when things die down? Like, clearly, this isn't a good time for you. He's like, oh, well, if you can just walk away that easily. It's like, what?

How about acknowledging what's really happening instead of putting that on me? Yes. So I think like it's the gaslighting. OK. Gaslighting is is a sure

foul way to tell when someone is a narcissist. And the love bombing, does that happen? Was your dad like that? Would he like tell you how amazing you were? Yeah, but not all the time.

It was like when it suited him, you know? I actually went out with another guy. I went on two dates with a guy. Got so fucking love bombed. Where it was like, it was out here. It was in LA. You're amazing. Oh my God.

I could see us together. Blah, blah, blah. Leave a ring. He had me leave a ring. Put it on his little key chain. Took a picture. Sent it to me. All this shit.

Next time you come, like, let's start going out in public together. Like, I'm like, whoa, oh my God. I went home to Nashville and I was like, what the fuck just happened? And again, it's like run. If someone is like, and also I think. So he didn't get a chance to hurt you. You like got out before. Thank God. I think and I do think because that's what I've been working on the last few years. I've had so many tests from the universe of like, are you sure you're not going to fall for the narcissist again? So I've had quite a few and this is one of them. And thank God it was like two dates,

like maybe nine days of my life wasted, but like whatever. But you know what? It's like it's you probably, I mean, I guess I'm projecting here, but when people come on too strong in the beginning, I'm like, you don't know me. You don't know me. So this is just not normal. We all want to believe

in love at first sight. And we just knew the second we met. And we all want to get wrapped up in that story of how we first met. And when the guy is taking the picture of your ring and sending it to you

and all these things, it's like, oh, this is part of our story. We just knew right away. I know. But it's suspect because he doesn't know you. No matter how many times

he's watched you on TV or watched a podcast. It's different. I believe in like a TV crush. Oh, yeah. Like I had someone back in the day who was like, I just have like a TV crush on you. And I was like, okay, yeah, that's a real thing.

Yeah. But no one is their image or their TV persona. I mean, there's bits and pieces. I mean, you know, like you meet people and you're like, oh, you're totally different than what I was expecting. Oh, my gosh. Especially with actors. I mean, you are falling for a character.

But I'm always like, why can't you be that character? No. You were once. Can someone write you the lines? For a couple seasons. Yeah, I know. Can't you just be that guy? Not at all.

Yeah. Actors are such a letdown. They're boring. They're such a letdown. They're so serious about playing make-believe. And they're always tiny. They're tiny, tiny, tiny. So much tinier.

You think these guys who are like buff and just like super masculine and manly. Oh no, they're itty bitty. That's so true. And they're theater geeks, which is fine. But taking acting as seriously as actors do when they're, you know, in Riverdale or something. And you're like, I'm sorry, I can't.

You're not Daniel Day-Lewis. This is, it's too much. I'm like, don't meet your idols. Like don't meet any actor. You're going to Day-Lewis. No. This is, it's too much. I'm like, don't meet your idols. Like, don't meet any actor. You're going to be really disappointed. It's disappointing. It's disappointing. Okay, for all of my single parents out there,

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about like first dates or I don't know. You do? Yeah. I want to know someone. I want to already know I want to have sex with you before we even go on a first date

because I don't want to disappoint you. It's worthless. Yeah. And it's worthless to me and you. I'm like, why am I here if I don't even want to fuck you? And I feel like for me to want to have sex with someone,

I have to like know them a little bit. And the illusion of knowing them through seeing them on, you know, the Kelly Clarkson show and interview they did is like enough for me to go, okay, I like the way his mouth moves. I like the way he's handsy. I like the way he dresses. Like, and you can kind of have a familiarity.

You're attracted to them because they're hot, whatever. And that is a great thing about being, I think, a celebrity is that you can kind of get to know someone a little bit because my friends who are not in the business, like when they go on a date with someone, it's like

they just have to like find old, maybe an old MySpace photo or like, yeah, or like Instagram. And it's like, but I can watch them on the Tonight Show. I can like see interviews

or podcasts and you can go. It is true. That is true. I do think, especially with guys, I don't think guys are actually that photogenic. Watching an interview that they've done. Yes. That's when you can tell. Actually, that's what happened with a comedian that I dated.

Yes. He, I looked at his photos and I was like, I don't know. I watched a couple interviews. I was like, wait, he's actually so hot. Yes. One of the more, most gorgeous guys I've ever seen. Agreed. I mean, he really is.

I know who you're talking about. And yes, he is one of the hottest people that's ever. And you would never, like in person, because he's like 6'4". I mean, he's gorgeous. And he's the sweetest guy too. But yeah, I just think with guys, like you can never really tell. Yeah. They're not photogenic.

Well, they don't. Their friends don't take pictures of them like our friends do. That's true. They haven't learned their lighting. That's true. They don't know how to pose. And also a guy who's posting a bunch of just like selfies and shit. I'm like, no, I'm not. Yeah, that's good. That's gross, too. If they like know their angles or like the shirtless picture in the mirror, I'm like, well, no, I'm sorry. Exactly. So like they're kind of at a deficit there in terms of like what they can put out there for us to be like lusting over them because no guy is ever with his guy friend being like oh my god the light right now with your eyes just stand still we have girlfriends like helping us

out you need to get this good right now like i'm not even gonna let you not do this if a guy did he'd be like shut the fuck up in the middle of a restaurant guys just have like one picture a year it's like that's why they have the picture of them catching a fish it's the in the middle of a restaurant. So guys just have like one picture a year. It's like, that's why they have the picture of them catching a fish. It's the only time they're like, we should photograph this. Like it's a trope on those, you know, on Tinder or whatever. But that's their yearly photo that they take.

It's true. It's like when they catch a fish. Okay, I want to talk about you dating because I feel like you must be so intimidating for guys because you're beautiful. You're funny. The way you carry yourself does scream confident to me. But also you get a lot of attention. Guys cannot handle girls getting a lot of attention.

I mean, it's a very secure man to be like, yeah, do your thing. Having people come up to you, taking photos. Well, it's you deal with it, too. I mean, yes, I do. And you are like we can talk about like the intimidation of being a comedian and just being kind of like funny, which is a masculine trait that men kind of pride themselves on. But being with a woman like you, who is a desire,

I mean, I was on the way here and I talked to my boyfriend. I was like, I'm doing Kristen Cavalieri's podcast. And he was like, oh, she's an all-timer. Are you serious? And I go, can I say that? And he goes like, yeah. And I even wrote him, I go,

what did you say? She was in your all-time. And he and he goes no she's an all-timer that means no matter what at what age she is i will always be an all-timer give me 20 years you're so many people's all-timers and like everyone i've talked to is just you're just a stunning woman that is desirable by many like men and women and that men want to achieve that and go, I got this trophy. This girl that everyone has lusted over for so many fucking years. And but then they also,

there's people lusting over you. And can they handle that? And I say most cannot. No. It's been a huge, not even just like men lusting over me, but just like. The attention.

The attention. Yeah. It seems as though like everything in my life has been a threat. And I think I give off this energy of like, I don't need you because I don't need a man. But if I want you, isn't that way more important? Yes. A lot of guys can't handle that. They want to be needed. Guys want to be needed. I will stand by that statement. It's really smart. And it's not wrong because they used to be like that's like in their DNA that we needed them

to go like hunt and provide. And like now there's heroin. Like we don't need you. We don't need a man. Thank you, heroin. We really don't. And there's, you know, there's even for to have a baby,

you don't need a man anymore. You can just go to a lab or whatever. It's like, so it must feel, yeah, a little debilitating to have that taken from you. But I feel the same thing of those are conflicts that I've had in my relationships of I don't fit into your life. I've had to be reminded to make room for my boyfriend because I am so self-sufficient.

I've been on my own for so long that I forget that, oh, I can't take this nine months of gigs because we might have like a wedding to go to together or he might have like a thing he wants me to i'm like oh i have to hold a date in february for a trip i don't like i don't take vacations and like i've never had to and now i'm he's made he's enriching my life by like making me do those things but you had to be like you have to like in a relationship you have to consider someone else and like maybe check with me about a schedule before you answer yes to a year tour. Right. I know. Like I'll be good. I'll be good about it. But like maybe include me.

And it's like, whoa, like someone else besides myself. And I do think that, yeah, the the being funny, like my boyfriend. And I think that's why I've gone back to my boyfriend so often too is because he never tries to censor me he's never like offended by my jokes or like because being funny is a it's masculine and so it can be kind of like oh it's we're supposed to like as women just like exactly like dainty and kind of be quieter and men are supposed to be like the the funny ones and the party animals and the center of attention and so he likes to just sit back and just like, I just love when he's just like, I love like just like when he's kind of just like embarrassed, but can't help but laugh. But like actually loves it. Yes. I think that's really sweet. And he lets me talk about our

relationship in spaces like this on stage. I mean, he's given me parameters of like, he said, as long as it's funny and as long parameters of like, he said, as long as it's funny and as long, you can say whatever you want. As long as it's funny. But where I get into trouble. You're like, it's gonna be funny. Sometimes when I'm on a podcast,

it's not funny. And I'm just like, he's just been like, I'm just like venting. And I'm like, okay, well, I need to add a punchline to that to get away with what I just said. But he's,

I don't think a lot of, I've actually dated men who I've talked, I've even referenced them, not even by name. And they've been so but her fronted by any mention. And I'm like, shouldn't you be happy that I'm welcome? Yeah, you're welcome. I included you.

Aren't you bragging to people that you're dating me? That's where I've been like so confused as men sometimes want to keep it secret. And I'm like, but you're dating me like tell everyone. And they're like, no, I haven't decided yet it's so funny I would imagine that every guy you've ever dated is like oh is she gonna use any of this yeah and that's that's fair because I I would and yeah and I I would have in the past I think now I'm in my late 30s I'm in my latest 30 to be honest the latest one you could be in if I say late 30 If I say late 30s, it might be 36. It's like,

I get three years. So, but I'm 39 and it's like, I've been doing comedy for 20 years and when I first started, it didn't matter who it would hurt.

I didn't even consider other people's feelings because- Well, to be fair, that's when you should be selfish and just, you're building your career.

Like, do you. And I burn bridges along the way and I've mended all of them, I think. But I definitely was just did not. Again, like talking about my schedule and not considering other people. I just I had struggles with empathy of like, well, I wouldn't care if I'm talking about my sex.

If I'm talking about my sex life, I'm in it, too. So if I don't care, he shouldn't care that I'm talking about this thing that happened. Would you say their real names? I I mean I would be like my boyfriend okay so yeah so now I've changed it to like ex-boyfriend because it's true for him even if it's still him oh my god you're not lying now I'll kind of like hide it but it's funny that I've just always operated from this place of like you know I, I didn't realize I lacked empathy in a lot of ways. And it's just how you're raised.

Like I had, you can learn it because I've wanted to because I want to be a compassionate person. But just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean other people do.

And I didn't learn that until I was like 30. By the way, same with me. I had zero empathy when I was younger and I was an asshole. Yeah.

I broke people's hearts. I didn't care. I mean, I was, I was a dick. I'm over it. So why aren't you over it? What do you mean? Move on. Yeah. I broke people's hearts. I didn't care. I mean, I was, I was a dick. I'm over it. So why aren't you over it? What do you mean? Move on.

Yeah. You're still hung up on me. Yeah. Yeah. I had to learn that too. And honestly, I think it was becoming a mom more than anything.

I was like, you have to have empathy and compassion and all of a sudden. No, you don't. Well, I guess not everybody does. But you do,

but that's so nice that you realize. It opened up my whole world was it just like seeing them be upset about like a rock they dropped and you're like okay even though this is just a fucking pebble but i have to go oh that's sad that the rock dropped and like put yourself in the shoes of a three-year-old who doesn't understand gravity exactly because you have to just get on their level and and yeah have empathy that's interesting otherwise they start to question their reality and i think having a narcissistic dad okay so that's what so you start to like live

in this delusion of like am i crazy i shouldn't be feeling this way like your feelings are wrong you need someone to validate your feelings that's all you need and i i had great parents but they weren't the best at doing that and i always have to say the caveat of if they're watching this, like, I love you. You did your best. Like you were, you did, you were 25 though. And you just, you didn't learn how to have empathy

from your parents. And so I got a lot of, what are you crying about? Like, get over this. This is, and it was ridiculous, whatever. I'd be throwing myself on the floor about it. In, you know, logically it is dumb, but I was a child

and they didn't put but I was a child and they didn't put themselves in like a child's brain. And so I, I struggle with that. And even, it's just so strange how it just stays with you forever. Like anytime I'm upset about something, I'm like, this is dumb that I'm upset about it. And I can't cry. I don't like, don't cry. It's so strange. Well, that's, I think I get the sense that you too, like we were the tough girls. It was like, okay, we like developed into these tough girls and I've had to learn, like, it's I think I get the sense that you two like we were the tough girls. It was like, OK, we like developed into these tough girls. And I've had to learn like it's OK to be sad. It's OK to sit in that.

And and it's been a hard thing for me to learn how to do. Yes. But, you know, the flip side, too, is like I'm actually happy that I like I was a survivor. It was like I was going to figure shit out. I was tough. And I think that actually helped me in a lot of situations. So it's like, you know, I've chosen to just look at the positives out of it. Yeah.

Rather than like, fuck, man, that was brutal growing up. No, it's like, I don't know if you've processed this, but even in therapy, I'll think back on like how I was thinking when I was around like three to five and like the memories that I have. Because I've blacked everything out. I have like a couple memories and they were the same thought process that I have now about things of like kind of being a little bit smarter

than the people, like kind of realizing around me, like that seems weird. She's acting like that. And I'm just going to stay quiet or like just I had the same internal monologue and I think it was like I just had to grow up a little bit faster,

like you're saying. And I'm grateful for that because it has made me be able to, I wouldn't be a comedian if I hadn't been the first born child to two parents who kind of didn't know exactly what they were doing emotionally. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So we just gotta be thankful for our journey for sure. But like speaking of that guy you dated, can I just share this? Cause this is so interesting to me. The comedian that you dated, I love this guy. He's so funny. He is so attractive. Yes. I have always had a crush on him. He is always. And one time we made out. I swear he

had a crush on you, too. Well, that's what I did make out. Maybe he told me that I forced it. I used to do this thing, Kristen. OK, because I I never waited for boys to kiss me because I just wanted control. I'm like, I love it. I'm running things. OK. And so I just remember we were hanging out a ton and I was like, there must be'm running things. And so I just remember we were hanging out a ton and I was like, there must be a vibe here. And he, I think he was just obliged me. It was, but I used to do this thing.

Like if I felt like it was like time for us to kiss and the guy wasn't going to make a move. I remember we were walking down 6th Avenue and it was like, this is like 2010. Maybe it was forever ago. And I was like, oh my gosh, you know what I forgot to tell you?

And he's like, what? I'm like, we should make out. I love you. I would just say it casually. I want to do that. It's fun. If you, if anyone out there listening wants a good icebreaker of like,

I love this. Cause then they laugh. And then you're like, okay, I guess we should. And it's not just like, I was like leaning in and having a weird rejection. They can kind of just go, I don't know if that's a good idea. And then maybe that's an easier.

So I think we made out for like two seconds and you know me back then this was like right before i quit drinking too so i was just the biggest mess that i could have been and i used to just like fantasize about what this was would be i thought that kiss i'm like we're gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend and then it definitely wasn't that and to no fault of of his it was just that wasn't the vibe. And he should not have liked me. I was a mess. And then throughout the years, we would become friends again.

And then I would I just he's there's a couple of guys in my life that I really can't be friends with because I just they're dreamy. And I start to just kind of like have crushes on them. And I just know my boundary. Like I, I don't I just will always like them more than friends. Yeah. Yeah. Not always because I'm like in a relationship, but I'm sorry. Like even in a relationship, you can have crushes and I don't need that messing up my

life. And I just, I just, even though I was single, I, so the last time I, this guy, you know, 10 years after that kiss, we started hanging out again and I was kind of rebounding from a relationship and he was fresh out of something with you. Oh, I mean, the one thing with years ago. Yes. A couple of years ago. Yes. And because we dated for like five, six months. And it was like he was my first, I guess you could say boyfriend after my divorce. Yeah. He's actually been the only guy I would consider to be like the closest thing to a boyfriend since my divorce. And I mean, I was crazy about him. He was the perfect guy to date post-divorce because he was so fucking sweet to me. He was funny. He was fun. Like all my friends loved him. Like we just had so much fun. Yeah.

But then I just, I needed to like really work through my shit because I hadn't yet. So again, timing is everything. It just wasn't the right time. Right. And he and I that is exactly what it sounded like from his point of view, too. There was like no animosity. It was just like heartbreak. But I would talk to him about and I'm I love you. So I would I even was like, oh, I'm like going to I'm going to be the rebound for this guy right after Kristen. Maybe I can still taste her. Like a strawberry wine song. So I was, there was no, there was nothing in me that was like,

get over her. Like I was just like, oh, I can be, I can help. Because he is my friend. And so we would talk about, and I was going through something too.

So it was nice to share about, but it just was was i could just tell it was like still a thing and so that was that was the moment that's when i was like i can't be and i think he's still very hurt by that because he is just like what do you mean you can't be friends with me and i feel like you guys are not friends currently no i saw him recently at a show and there was just I just said I can't and he would probably have a different story of like you were really rude and abrupt with me because I think I was probably hurt by the fact that he didn't want to date me in the way that I wanted to be dated so I'm sure that they're I'm making it sound like I was just like I just wanted to I just said I can't be friends you're too cute but it was probably me being like I was probably a little pissy about it. So I think

he was just offended. And so now we're like not talking. And that's that kind of sucks because I do like him, but he's too dreamy. He's got to like he is. He's one of the most good looking men on the planet. It's true. I mean, I would literally look at pictures of him and be like, what the fuck? What the actual fuck? Pet lovers, you're going to want to listen up. If you haven't tried the farmer's dog by now, I'm not sure what's going on with you because I feel like everybody has been making the switch and for good reason. The results of switching your dog's food from kibble to fresh can seem like magic. When a senior dog starts acting like a puppy again, and the pickiest of eaters can't wait for dinner time,

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After you place your order, be sure to let them know that I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu that follows. We're on tour so much. I don't know how you guys do it. I don't either. I don't really get how we it's impressive that I'm ever able to have a relationship at all. I mean, it's true. Will he go and visit you in different cities? Yeah. Yeah. He actually is a TV producer. That's how I met him. But he's he's actually working in radio now. So we my boyfriend and I met in New York when he was a producer on my first TV show that I had on MTV in 2013.

And I had a crush on him. He was just like a producer on the show. And I had this like I didn't even know how to handle it. I was I was so in love with him, but I couldn't crush on him. He was just like a producer on the show. And I had this like, I didn't even know how to handle it. I was so in love with him, but I couldn't look at him. I started ignoring him because I just couldn't. That's what you do. Yeah. And he thought like the host of the show hated him. So he was like looking for other jobs because he was like, it's miserable at work.

It was that bad? My host won't even look at me because I was just so, I thought if I ever looked at him, he would know how much I loved him. So I would just ignore him. So one day my friend, I was crying in my showrunner's office and she had hired him. She was friends with him from a different gig. And I was she knew I liked him and I was sobbing and about like he was talking to the wardrobe girl today and he was like flirting. And she goes, she was laughing. She goes, he doesn't know you like him. I've never even seen you talk to him.

She was like, you need to flirt with him. And I i was like i don't know how to do that she was like okay here's what you're gonna do you're gonna go over to his cubicle right now you're gonna touch his leg at least three times you're gonna hold eye contact with him for longer than three seconds and you're gonna talk about a plan this weekend and you're gonna invite him to that and i can follow an assignment i was like perfect nothing because someone gave me the someone told me what to do and it was she was kind of like my boss in a way yeah so it felt like i mean this all sounds like really me too reverse like whatever she instructed me my boss told me to go flirt with someone but i didn't know how to do it i think i was just so stunted i didn't have a boyfriend

until i was 24 i didn't have sex i was 21. I drank a lot before this. I had just gotten sober. So I didn't really know how to even have, like a guy that, in a sober way, like the only way I'd ever hooked up with a guy before

was because I was wasted. Wow. Because I was so nervous and I didn't kiss boys in high school. I never had a boy, like I was the last of all my girlfriends

to have a boyfriend. Wow. So I was like boy crazy, but I had nowhere to put it. Yeah. And so, and then we got together and he's from St. Louis. I'm from St. Louis.

I live in St. Louis. I moved back for COVID. Oh, and you did your show on E! And I just stayed there. Yeah. So, and then he's also from St. Louis, just oddly enough. And he, we were broken up during COVID

like for years at that point, a couple of years. And then we both moved back home for different reasons. Me, cause I was like, just, I don't know couple of years. And then we both moved back home for different reasons. Me, because I was like, just, I don't know where to go, mommy, daddy. And he got a job in radio and we moved back and we started hanging out with his friends.

Wow. And that was the point where I was like, okay, I've dated some guy that I've dated someone and I was in love in a way that we have not been in love before. And so I can't do this again because I expect a new type of love. Yeah.

And so he rose to the occasion. And you know what, Kristen, what is really good about what we did, and I advise most women to do this. Tell me. I read a book called Getting To I Do years ago that Whitney Cummings had recommended to me, and I was obsessed with it. All my friends have read it. I've never even heard of this book. Should I be reading this? It's so interesting. Just from a psychological, sociological standpoint of like how women and men's brains work. But the really big principle of the book is that you don't sleep with them until you are getting what you want out of this relationship in terms of commitment.

Fucking believe that. Don't let their penis in you in any way. It's so true. I think obviously there's always exceptions to this because I think I agree. I have slept with guys probably sooner than I have, and they've turned out to be boyfriends and stuff. But there I have had one guy in my life where I know I slept with him too soon and I've never been able to have the power. And that drives me fucking crazy. Yeah, it's like it's the one thing it sucks that because I think the whole the premise of the book is predicated on the fact that the women's movement did so much for us and empowered us in so many ways to be financially independent and just, you know, to be independent in so many ways. But it also like took, we're too masculine and men don't want that. And so it's a little,

there's a lot of the book of like, don't say, I think, say, I feel because men love feelings. They don't like thinking. And you don't ask a man how he feels. Men love your feelings. They don't like their feelings. So we all get it mixed up that men hate feelings. They love to hear women's feelings and nurture your feelings, but they don't want to hear what you think. So if I say like, I feel we should take this way to the restaurant tonight, like if I'm not, I think I think I think is like taking their masculinity from them and don't ask them like, what do you feel we should eat tonight? Say, what do you think we should? It's little things like that that are fascinating. But the big thing is like, don't have sex with them until not necessarily like it's different for every girl. But what most women are after is commitment,

like something long term, something there's like a bunch. There's like four different like tenants that you are supposed to right i guess if you're looking at a guy and you're like i don't see him as my future whatever and you just want to have some fun like who gives a shit exactly but also be careful because we like our oxytocin shoots off if we have an orgasm it takes like something like it's maybe more than 10 times the amount of oxytocin it takes for a man to have orgasms. So it's like it's like doing a whip it like it's a drug. Your brain fires off things that is addiction related. I've never been able to just casually sleep with anybody. Me neither. In fact, I just I'm 36 years old. I just had my first one night stand of my entire life. Wow. How did that happen? I met a

guy who had just moved here from Spain. And I was like, oh, you're so cute. Like his cute little accent and everything had the best night of my life. But it was like so romantic and sweet. It was very sweet. And there wasn't anything after it? No, I was like, I'm in love with this man. And he was in love with me. And then I came home and I was like, what am I doing? Because like I have three kids, OK? Yes. My life is like very stable and normal, like my day to day. Yes. So all of a sudden I'm like picturing this guy who's like fresh off the boat. And you're trying to get him a work visa. I don't see him as like the stepfather to

my kids. I was like, what am I doing? But you bonded that night in that way. So you had a little bit of like a withdrawal symptoms from it probably. For like a couple of days, it was like the love notes back and forth. I was like, this is my guy. And then it was just like, I like snapped out of it. It was like, I got my kids back and I was like, you seem like really level headed. You could let yourself go, but you seem to be able to rescue yourself from these. I'm good at rescuing myself, but I do love love. So it's easy for me to like get wrapped up. Yeah, it's the best. That's why that's another reason why I'm scared of marriage because yeah you'll never fall in love again i know that people are like no you can still have crushes on boys that on the delivery man at

work i'm like but i think you can sure but a crush is worthless to me if it can't if i don't see an end to it and i can't possibly imagine an end to something if i'm in a monogamous relationship i don't even i can, I feel guilty even like masturbating to the idea of being with a, like not guilty, but I just feel like, I mean, not guilty, but I'd rather not, like I'd rather, because for me,

fantasizing is like pathetic. Like I want that. I achieve everything I fantasize about. Well, fuck, I love that. So like when I was a kid and was like I want to be on TV, my friends were just like, yeah, we all do. But I was like, no, I'm going to. Yeah. And they were like, yeah, right. Like the ultimate manifester then. Yeah. Like I don't look at something. I don't like fantasy. I've never liked it. They have to like be single for me to fantasize about that. Like they have to be like achievable.

A hundred percent with you on that. It has to be like, yeah, an attainable fantasy. But I like, I love flirting. I think it keeps the blood pumping. Totally. I'm all about a little fantasy. I think when you are in a long-term relationship, like I know I had like little innocent crushes and then they're just, they go away.

And you're like, that was so dumb. Yes, it was so dumb. And there's no way that I would leave my partner the stable thing for this guy that just seems good because why wouldn't he seem good? Exactly. I just met him. Yeah, you don't know anything about this guy.

So of course he seems great. Yes, yes. But it's fleeting. It all goes away. But I do think it's, I don't know. I think it's kind of fun. I agree.

And I want, for my part, I kind of like when my boyfriend has like a, I wouldn't even mind if he hooked up with another girl. Stop. This is a wild thing that it's going to like, it's,

it's, it's going to make it sound like I'm trying to be like a cool girl or like, I am just so quirky, but I don't know why it's, I haven't really found any other women that there is a fetish called hot husband. That is women like me who don't mind the idea of their man with another woman and are like turned on by it

because I don't look at sex or sexual attraction as necessarily of as it's separate than like I don't want him to watch the session finale with another girl. That would be hurtful to me

if he started a new series like Love is Blind. New season. Yeah. But if he was to get intimate with someone like i don't want him like going down on her and like making love and like eye contact but like like he can just getting off it's like if he went and played tennis with someone to me it's just like that's how i look at it and i know that this and i'm not telling women like you should be like

me and and by the way men don't actually like this because they kind of like being kept they like a woman to be like, stay away. Yeah. Because my boyfriend has the, he could go do whatever he wants. And guess he doesn't do it at all because he has the freedom to. Exactly. And he knows it's not like forbidden. Not that he ever would because he's a loyal guy, but it doesn't make him go, okay, I will.

Because when you give someone a lot of freedom, it makes them stay. Yeah. It's the people that try to control the other person. They're just like, let me go. Yes. But I agree with you because I're just like, let me go. Yes. But I agree with you because I think for men, sex is obviously so different. They can have sex with someone

and literally never think of them again. Exactly. Where we're like, when's he going to text me? Like, I'm so connected to him now. I can't get a massage without being like,

are you going to call? Like, it's like, I truly after massages, I have like a depression because I'm like, she just kicked me out, handed me a glass of water. And now I'm like out she just kicked me out, handed me a glass of water. And now I'm like out in the hot sun again, like trying to find my car.

And I'm just like, this is reminiscent of my early 20s. I do. I can't. It's such a men. It's trans. It's transactional. And I really and for some reason, I also I think I desire I've obviously already covered this.

I desire the chase. I desire like, what's next? Okay, what else am I going to achieve? If my man is always free to go do anything and like I'm constantly earning him, I'm constantly like, and I want a guy that's desirable to other women. I want a prize.

So if I shut that part of him off where he is no longer like, sometimes I'll be like, so anyone at work on this new job, like, do you think any girls have a crush on you? And he's like, no. And I'm just like, well, can you start dressing differently? Like, can you put a vibe out there? Because I am not threatened by it because because also he's telling me the truth about it. Now, this is not to say that if I was in a relationship with someone and gave them the green light, that they still wouldn't be able to cheat on me because men do get off on cheating,

getting away with something that adrenaline rush. Yeah. So I could give someone and be like, I don't care if you fuck another girl, but it's under the parameters of like, you tell me about it eventually. And like, I don't need to see it or like look at a picture of her.

Like, I wouldn't even mind if she was way hotter than me. Like, I just, I think there is a problem when I see my friends get jealous of other women where I'm like, first of all,

your husband wouldn't ever cheat on you. And this girl that he's friends with, like it's not even cute. Like there's just, but they, but they've been cheated on before. So they're really,

I mean, it's, it's an insecurity for sure. It's trauma. But I, I say to them, do you, would you want your boyfriend to not be attracted to anyone but you like that really and they're like yes and i go that's not that means he has

he's has a disease like his body's shutting down because he men are meant to be attracted to more than one woman it's just we haven't evolved out of that yet and men can claim that but women too like i know when a good when a guy is good looking like we're human we're not blind to it yes but what we have what men have and what we have and what you're just talking about the difference between flirting and actually pursuing it is integrity exactly and we stay loyal to someone we we and we know that we're smart enough to know that that fleeting little moment that guy i always have i told my boyfriend there's like an emotionally intelligent meter above every guy's head and it's at zero

until i'm proven wrong they can be hot and they can be charming but just know that they're they're i'm i'm looking at all the factors that i don't know about so i'm not going to put a lot of perfection on because i've done that in the past. Yeah. If I'm mad at my boyfriend, I oh, this guy seems nice. Look at the look at his job and his car and the way he treats his staff. And it's like, I don't really know. I can start painting this picture of this fantasy. Exactly. And it's just not though, even with dating, even if you've gone on one or two dates with someone, you still we have these fantasies in our head of who this person is. Yes. No idea who this person is. And you must get that all the time of guys having a fantasy of what you are and probably no one's ever really clear that to me yeah i mean i feel like if they listen to a podcast or like watch your on your

show i think so you're you have a pretty good idea of who i am yeah they just they expect you to be like leaning next to a bunch of barns and like jewelry and just like weird i thought that was always hanging out by this old rod i thought that's how it was gonna be i'm so confused perfect jewelry what the hell you talk weird so great nikki i can sit here with you all freaking day i don't want to let you go it's so fun i had a game to play with you but oh my god i'm sorry you know to be honest you kind of answered all my questions on my game. They were going to be like hot or not, but you like literally

did all of them. So it's great. But I love you. I think you are so awesome. Thank you for just being so real. You too, girl, because you don't have to be. You're so pretty.

You really don't have, I'm telling you, you don't have to be anything except white. That's it. I'm all, Nikki told me I don't have to do shit anymore.

You don't. You don't have to be talented. You don't have to, but you are. And you really like, and you do a service for i'm on nikki told me i don't have to do shit anymore you don't you don't have to be talented you don't have to but you are and you really like and you do a service for women like women envy you but you're also like just a really kind cool person and it's you're just someone that you don't need to hear all this but like anyone i any of girls i talked to about coming here they all go i love her you are the most beloved by everyone. There's no one that doesn't like you. I'm sure you can find them. But by and large, it was just really sweet to be like, oh, my God, we all love this girl.

And we don't even know exactly. We're just like, she's just. And but but now I know why. Like just getting to talk to you right now. It's like you're such a cool chick. Well, I feel the same way about you. Well, it means a lot to me that you feel that way. Thank you. It takes one to know one.

It's true. Well, thank you. Thanks, girl. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, I love you, I love you.