Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - How to Say What You Want In the Bedroom with Love Coach Shaun Galanos

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

We talk a lot about dating advice and styles on this podcast but this week I want to push things a little further. Let's talk about sex, baby! Recently, I found Shaun Galanos (@thelovedrive) on Instagram and really liked his no-nonsense approach to intimacy. Whether it's one-night stands, sexual wellness in a long-term relationship, or figuring out your own preferences alone, his advice tailors itself to get followers to be thoughtful about their pleasure, how they ask for it, and how to overcome any awkwardness with a partner. He also shares his journey of dating with a herpes diagnosis. Plus, Shaun gives his tips for getting out of sexual ruts.Check out the Yes/No/Maybe list Shaun recommends in this interview!A word from my sponsors:Ritual - Support a balanced gut microbiome with Ritual’s Synbiotic+. Get 25% off your first month at Ritual.com/BEHONEST.Skims - Check out the SKIMS Ultimate Bra collection and more at https://www.skims.com/honestHiya Health - Go to hiyahealth.com/HONEST to receive 50% off their best-selling children's vitamins.Jolie - Jolie will give you the best skin and hair guaranteed. Head to Jolieskinco.com/HONEST to try it out for yourself with FREE shipping. And if you don't like it - you can return your Jolie for a full refund within 60 days, no questions asked.Shopify - Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/CavallariArmra - Go to Tryarmra.com/HONEST or enter code HONEST to get 15% off your first order. For more Let's Be Honest, follow along at:@kristincavallari on Instagram@kristincavallari and @dearmedia on TikTokLet's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari on YouTubeProduced by Dear Media.This episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct, or indirect financial interest in products, or services referred to in this episode.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavalry, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. What's up, guys? How we doing today? Today is going to be very fun because I have a sex and love coach here with me. I love his no-nonsense, non-judgmental approach. And let's be honest, I always love having

a guy's perspective on this. So today, I am sitting down with Sean Gallinoss. Honestly. I've done something way more cringy. I used to have the love drive painted on the back of my truck. That's pretty aggressive. I want to start because you got your start. I think this is so fascinating because you started driving a taxi and recording the conversations that you had with people. Yeah. So tell me about that. I was driving a taxi in San Francisco in 2014, which is like, was fun. Driving a taxi is like kind of fun until it's not. I mean, it's a hard job. You know, it's like, you're driving for 12 hours, but it was kind of like a video game. This was like pre-Uber. So you're like flag, people are flagging you down and you're like chasing other

taxis and trying to. Oh, right. So it was like for someone who likes driving, it was kind of fun. And then it just gets kind of hard. And a friend said, oh, you should record your conversations with your passengers. And I said, that sounds like a great idea. And so I bought. How can you do that? without their consent, though. Why would you assume I would do that without their consent? So you ask, they'd get in and you'd say, by the way, can I record this conversation? Yeah, yeah. So I tested out a bunch of different theories, but, or ways of doing it. But I would go home, I'd get the cab at the cab yard, and I'd go home and I'd set up lights, cameras, and microphones in the cab gopros and all that stuff. And then I would drive around and I would pick somebody up and they'd get in and

I'd say, hey, welcome to the Love Drive. And I'd hand them a stack of note cards that had questions on them. Like, what do you think about shaved testicles? or do you like having sex on your period? And then at the end, I would have them sign artist release. Got it. Yeah. Got it. So when they first would get in, though, were they like, what the hell is going on?

Yeah. And sometimes people didn't notice. Or sometimes I wouldn't say anything and I'd just kind of let the cameras roll. Or sometimes I would say something ahead of time or I'd have them agree to it. There was just all these different strategies. Sometimes people didn't even notice the cameras. I believe it. There's a GoPro in, like, on the headrest.

They're just like, whatever. Oblivious. And so then I would ask. them questions about kind of lowbrow stuff, you know, like, whatever. Yeah. Fatal sex, period sex. A lot of sex stuff. Yeah, that's what I'm gathering.

And then I would post those videos on YouTube. And that was the beginning of the love drive. I was driving around talking about love. That's amazing. Did you ever have anyone be like, I'm not doing this? Like 90% of people would not do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I found out that most professionals would absolutely not want to do it.

So like lawyers, doctors, all that stuff. And service people and artists were all about it. I love that. They're like, this is cool. It's a fun project. Yeah. And so those videos still live on, you know, if you go to, if you like Google the love drive taxi videos, they'll come up. What was the best confession you ever got in a taxi? This woman came in. I didn't even say anything. She came in and she was super frustrated and she was like, I just got a TMI you right now, but I am so fucking frustrated. I've got blue balls. My boyfriend would not let me finish. And I'm looking in the camera like, holy shit, what's going on? And then we just had this this conversation about how she just needed to get on top for like. two minutes. I love it. And he wouldn't, he wouldn't let her do it. Why wouldn't he let her get

on top? He didn't, he wasn't there. I didn't ask, he was just, I don't know, selfish lover or something. That is so fascinating to me. Yeah. Okay, what do you find is the biggest issue when it comes to finding love? Man. We can talk about you personally or just people in general. I think it's just hard out there. It is hard out there. I think there's a lot of competing information about what to do. Agreed. I think a lot of us are pretty anxious. I think our nervous systems are kind of fried.

And I think that we have a hard time kind of trusting what we want and what's what's happening in the interaction. And there's also the dating app problem, which is if you do use dating apps, there's always this like maybe something's better. I know. That's kind of a problem. Social media also plays a role in that too. Social media does too.

Yeah. We're not used to before social media, we didn't see how other people live. Mm-hmm. And we didn't have action. to like a million potential partners, right? If you do like, even if you're in a small town, you can go and look somewhere else. Yep. And so you're like, oh, what about this one? What about this one? What about this one? Then you go on a date with someone who's perfectly fine, but somehow you think that you can maybe do better. And so I'm sort of an optimizer and that's something I'm

trying to work on actively is that it's not about doing better. It's about just finding someone that is like kind of good enough. Oh, I disagree with that. There's a like a psychological phenomenon called like good enough mothering, which is that you don't have to be the perfect mother. Okay. Yeah. And there is no perfect mother. Just like there is no perfect partner. Agreed. Yep. So, so good enough. Like, hey, this is a great relationship. Like, you know Dan Savage? I know that name. He's, um, sex educator, gay columnist who's been talking about this stuff for a long time. And he says, people really need to stop looking for the one. Yeah. They need to start looking for like 0.67 and they can round up. I don't agree with that though. And I'll tell you,

Which is shocking, by the way, because I just listened to your episode on like, just eat the ice cream, just go for the ice cream. Wait, I don't remember this. You were doing, like, listener questions for dating questions. Oh, oh, yeah, okay, yes. I agree with, like, 90% of your viewpoints. What was the 10% you didn't agree with? I think the men have to be the one who have to define the relationship.

I think it's well. Oh, okay. Well, no, I think a woman can say, hey, what are we? But they have to be willing to walk away if they don't get the answer that they want. I don't think anyone should ever say, what are we, by the way. Okay. That was the one thing in my car. I was like, no, don't say what are we?

Because that's like the bus driver asking someone like, hey, where do you want to go? Yeah, okay. Okay. So you say, I want to be in a relationship. And you actually said that. You said, I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with you. Yeah.

And then. But if he says, I'm not ready or whatever his excuses, the woman has to be like, okay, well, then whatever is excuses. Because they all got them. They all got excuses. And then it's, okay, well, then this doesn't work for me. You said you have to leave right away. whereas I would say

I'm going to continue doing this until it no longer works for me because you might still be getting some of your needs met some really important needs like sex, closeness, connection, intimate, you know,

whatever, emotional availability and then that could at some point just be like, oh, actually this isn't going to work. Okay, I agree with that. I agree with that. Actually, that makes sense. I don't think anyone should settle

and what that sounds like to me is if you're saying good enough to me that sounds like you're settling. I'm waiting until I have amazing chemistry. The compatibility is also there. And then we're both willing to work and want to be in a relationship. Look, that's what I want to.

Let's check it in a couple of years and see how that's going. I feel like you're giving up on life. Well, right. I've been essentially single for five years. I mean, I've been single for several years as well. So I understand that. And I also have, I think I have high standards. As you should.

As we should. And also, that just means that the higher the standards, the less people are going to be able to meet those standards. Fair. So the pool is smaller if you have high standards. Agreed. Yeah. It's tough. It is. It's really tough out there. I think you're right. The apps, well, I've sworn off the apps. We've talked about the apps. You're active on them, correct? I am, although I'm still, Raya is still not accepted my application. You're not missing much. I know, because I heard your little rant on Raya. I don't like the idea that they're gatekeeping. How come, what, am I not cool enough for Raya? I know. And I gave you a referral. I'm like, hello. I'm also offended. Yeah, exactly. They're like,

no, Kristen. No, she's not. She's doing too much shit. She didn't stick around. I am on the apps. Yeah, I'm on Hinge and Field. I don't know what field is.

Field is more the sex positive, sort of queer, E&M, friendly app. Okay, okay. What do you think about the apps? Do you go on a lot of dates from them? I go on a lot of dates. I'm also new in L.A.,

so there's the whole like, new in L.A. thing phenomenon where they're like, oh, people haven't seen this guy before. Yeah. And there's probably some element of some people recognizing me from, from social media, but I'm a first date guy. I'll go on a lot of first. You love a first date.

I don't love it, but I'll go on a lot of first dates because like, that's the beginning of potentially a relationship. I love a date too. An ice cream date? Not an ice cream date. What about for the sober guys? What can what can sober people do? It's not drinks. Well, they could go get a drink and get a non-alcoholic drinks. One of my ex-girlfriends who lives in Highland Park and this is for like 10 years ago. We went to a bar. We met up at like a lesbian bar in San Francisco. Francisco called the right spot. And we both ended up ordering soda waters. See, I think that's great. And it was cute. There was like a little like jazz pianist and it was just like a super cute date. So I don't mind having drinks. I think that's actually a pretty nice first date. Agreed. Low stakes.

Yep. Not expensive. I also, I do not want to sit through a meal in case you don't like the person. And you know immediately within two seconds if you're going to like the person, I think. So I don't want to sit through a whole dinner if I know this isn't going to go somewhere. I want to push back a little bit on that. Okay. Let's hear it. I've been doing more of the, like, mandatory second date, unless it's really not a fit. Okay, walk me through that thought process. Because I think people are a little nervous on their first date. Yeah, I get that.

And I went on a date recently with someone who didn't look at me. What? Yeah. And you went on a second date? No eye contact. Did you go on a second date? We did. We actually just went on a third date.

How? Oh, wow. So it's great. There was eye contact on the second date. Because she was so nervous. She was shy or something, you know? Wow. And I don't know if I would have given her a chance before.

And so attraction grew and now you guys, are you going to see her again? Oh, deep, deep eye contact now. She won't remove her eyes from you now. Yeah, we can't stop looking at each other. Yeah, there's a fourth date. Okay, wow. Yeah, there's a fourth date. All right.

We're going to go see a movie at the Hollywood forever. I don't even know what that is. It's like a big cemetery in Hollywood. Oh, yes. Oh, my God. I remember doing that when I was like 1920. They're still doing it. I love that they're still doing it.

Showgirls. Hell yeah. That's a great date movie. Yeah. Okay. So go on it unless it's really a no. Which I think a lot of times it is a no for me. What makes it a no for you? Because I've always taken the stance that unless I feel something, it's just not going to turn into anything. I have felt a lot of things on first dates that have led to things that maybe were not the best thing for me. Right. Like, because very intense chemistry. I actually had this experience quite recently with somebody that I met on on field.

we had really intense chemistry. And then after three or four dates, we kind of realized that, like, we were activating each other's wounds in a very particular way that probably wasn't the healthiest thing. And so I actually, we both made a conscious decision not to explore further. Wow. And so I think that sometimes really intense attraction, really intense chemistry is not necessarily the thing that our soul, our heart, our nervous system needs. I agree.

A lot of times. It's toxic. I agree with that, but I do think there has to be some sort of attraction. There has to be a level of attraction. Like, if I don't want to kiss you, I'm not going out with you again. Do you know if you want to kiss someone within 10 minutes? No, okay. You know what?

That's a fair question. I think I've been proven wrong about that as I've gotten a little bit older in the last couple years because to your point, I think the guys that I initially am like, yeah, they're never the right, the right guy. Mr. Right now. Mr. Right Now, we've had a few of those. What is the difference between? Wait, hold on. Can we still go with the kissing thing? Let's go. I have a lot. I like tangents. I've got, and I've got a lot of stories. I was hanging out with some friends. I live in East Hollywood. They invited me to like the Soho house and WeHo. And I was like, you know what? Let's just go go and we go, oh, how come you didn't kiss on the first date? And I go, well, I didn't feel like it. I want like an overwhelming urge to kiss someone before I kiss them. Yeah. And she goes, oh, no, I do mandatory first aid. kiss. And I go, why? And she goes, because I want more information. Oh. And the kiss can give you

some information. I agree with that. So that really is how you judge if there's chemistry or not, I think. I think that first kiss, sometimes a first kiss can be a little sloppy or like you're getting to know someone still. Sloppy first kiss. It's like not the best, but like you know if there's going to be chemistry or not. Teeth. Teeth. I'm like, goodbye. You know what? I've had, it's funny. Kissing is is very interesting. It does give you a lot of information. But I had a girlfriend that I was madly in love with. And our kisses were real awkward for a long time. Really? Totally two different styles. And we had to like, over time, we found our way. And then it became like really hot. But it was, I'm like, I like, I like this person a lot. But man, our kisses are fucking

awkward. That's interesting. See, I don't know if I would have stuck it out, which probably makes me a horrible person. I don't think if you're a horrible person. I think that we have these ideas of what it should look like. And it's a little bit like a Jane Austen novel, you know, and it's, that's not really how it works. So do you think that good sex can be learned? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, there are some people that are just sort of hopeless, but can we communicate? Right. Can we communicate about what we like or we don't like? Of course, there's some element of like, we sort of know how to do this. And there is some chemistry here that does make it kind of hot. But like, I think we can really become better lovers. So let's say someone

was dating a guy and he is so great. You know, they have a ton in common. It's, it's, everything is firing except for the sex. It's a very common question. Yeah. I think. And you think that that can be, that's okay. I mean, are you talking about what's not working for you? Well, I think most people aren't. I agree with that. I don't think people know how to speak up for what they need in a relationship sexually or even emotionally. Yeah. So what, what is not, what is, what is, what isn't good? Oh, he's not going down on me. Okay. Have you asked. him. What if the sex is just awkward? Maybe it's nothing that simple of like, hey, I want you to just keep bumping into each other. Yeah, it's just like a little awkward. You can't like get in the

groove. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's chemistry, right? That's going to be challenging. I think it could be hard, but also like how much of the relationship is sex. All of it. It's not. You know it's not. It's like 12% or something. Yeah. But we're putting a lot of focus on this. And that's okay. If sex is a huge priority for you, then then it's a huge. priority for you, right? Like don't, don't change who you are fundamentally and what you want because I'm saying, oh, it's really not that important. But I mean, it doesn't take up that that much of a relationship. Right. I mean, depending on the person. Some people think that a problem in the bedroom is an indicator of a problem in the relationship. It doesn't necessarily have to be

that way. I think it's maybe like, what do we need to talk about here? What needs aren't being met? What could work? There's so many tools out there on how to how to be a better lover, how to be more connected sexually. And I don't think people are really willing to explore that. They kind of just wanted to like work and fit like right off the back. Yeah. All right guys. Let's take a second to talk about ritual. Seems like everything is connected to your gut microbiome. Well, the fact is we're learning so much about how the gut microbiome is key to our mental health, immunity, and of course, digestion. If you're looking for digestive support, ritual has got your back or rather your biome, with symbiotic plus a three and one powerhouse of clinically studied

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this deal, you must go to highahealth.com slash honest. This deal is not available on the regular website. So make sure you're going to H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-H-A-L-T-H-H-T-H-T-H-O-Nest. And get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. So what are ways that a woman can communicate with a man about what she needs in the bedroom? First of all, find out what's not working. Like, what are you wanting more of? Oh, I want more passion. Okay. Cool. What does passion look like? I do this course on getting your needs met and a lot of people are like, I want more passion. I want more freedom. I want more effort. It's like, okay, if you come to your partner saying, I want more effort from you, they're going to shut down immediately. Oh, you think so. Oh, yeah. What if you ask them for a specific thing that would show to you that they're making more effort? Like, give me an example. Empty the dishwasher. Yeah.

So if someone came to you and was like, hey, it would mean a lot to me if you emptied the dishwasher. And what if I just emptied a dishwasher and you're like, wow, he's really putting in more effort these days? Yeah. You came to me and say, I need you to put in more effort. I'll be like, what about all the other things that I do? I see what makes you think that I'm not putting in any effort? Then they get really defensive. Then you're fighting.

Right. Right. Because you're making this blanket statement. Like you never put an effort. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. And so in the bedroom, it could be like, okay, if I want more passion, maybe.

Maybe I want a little bit more eye contact. Maybe I want like 10 minutes of oral before we jump straight to penetration. Maybe I want you to plan like a couple's massage getaway or something, right? Which will translate to more passion. You know what I think the issue is? I think a lot of people have no idea what they actually want. Sure. So I think it's, you have to get really in touch with what do you actually want?

Yeah. And then they go, he's passionless. It's just never going to work. It's like, okay. I don't know. What is fiery? Yeah, I think it's a good point. Yeah, I think people have to get really clear on what they want and what would resonate with them.

Journal. Journal. Journal or look up the NVC nonviolent communication list of needs. There's an inventory of needs. Oh. And then you can be like, oh, what needs aren't being met in this relationship right now? Oh, I love that. I always say try to make your needs easy to meet.

That makes sense. Yeah. And like, look, who are we communicating with? Are we talking to women, you know, communicating with men? Yeah. We might need to dumb it down a little bit. I feel bad saying it. No, I know.

I know. No, I think men are simple creatures, which I think is a good thing. I think sometimes we give you guys too much credit. Like, you're thinking too much. It's like, no, they're actually not. We can be deep. We can be deep. No, you can.

But you got to go slow. Yeah. Yeah. Simplicity is key. Okay. So I want to talk about the difference between attachment and love. Okay. How can someone distinguish the difference?

What if someone doesn't know? They like someone, but they don't know, is this. attachment or am I actually in love? Do we need to know the difference? Well, I feel like attachment might not last very long. Oh, I mean, attachment is that that's the name of the game. That's what we're doing. We want to be attached to people, right? We're always, we're talking about like attachment theory and secure and ambivalent and all that stuff. We want to be attached to other people. Securely attached. Is that the right way to say it? Because there's anxious attachment. So, yeah. And I'm the spicy kind. I'm the disorganized style.

So I have a little bit of everything, which makes it challenging to be in relationships with me. And I struggle being in relationships. But the Holy Grail is the secure attachment. And I don't think that's what we should be aiming for. I think we should be aiming for. Can we heal some of our attachment wounds in our relationship? We all have them. Very few people that I know had these like picture perfect childhoods with two parents that are showing them how to deal with emotions, how to resolve conflict, how to show love and affection.

like for the most part, that's, if you're listening to this, like, that was most likely not your childhood. So we're all walking around here with these wounds. Can we meet someone who's willing to do some of the work to repair some of these wounds? I don't think we're walking around going like, oh, you're anxiously attached. I'm out. Oh, you're an avoidant. I'm out. Like, that's going to prevent you from attaching to somebody. And there's going to be drama. There's going to be conflict. There's going to be friction. Hopefully we're, we both have therapists if we can afford them. hopefully we have some tools to deal with this stuff when we're going to get triggered because we will get triggered by our partners. Yep. Yep. I know. I think you really finally learn

who someone is when you have that first tough conversation in relationship. And that's when you realize if they can have a tough conversation in an effective way. Or if they blow up and they slam the door and they're able to come back and repair. I've heard people say that the relationship starts when the first conflict happens. Before that, it's not, it's limerence, it's dating, it's low stakes. I like that. It happens when that first conflict comes out. Oh, I love that. That's actually so true. And people don't have to show up perfectly in conflict either. Like, as long as you're not swearing at each other, yelling, calling each other names. Calling each other names, unless they're like sweetie pie and bumblebee. Yeah, like the sweet shit. Baby no. I hate it when you do that. Baby no. So to answer

your question like I don't know that there's a big difference between love and attachment I think it's all kind of it's all under the the umbrella of attachment and people want to oh I want to fall in love like they we do really romanticize love and we're kind of being force fed this stuff from the age of like two with Disney movies and now with all of our rom-coms and it it's nice to live in that kind of fantasy land of this is how I want my relationship to look like yeah I don't know if it's that simple yeah it might not be we're trying to we're trying to help you out right now, we're doing this. You and I are maybe not the best people to ask. The two single people. No, we are absolutely in the trenches. Yeah. That's why we get it. We get it. We're in there

with you. We're struggling alongside you and we're trying to figure it out. Yeah, we are. Okay, let's talk about sex. So, well, and by the way, we're just going to jump right in. We don't wait around a lot here. Let's go. Well, and by the way, you're so good at answering listener questions. So that's my favorite thing that you do on Instagram is because you have this way of, being brutally honest without being judgmental or like it's just your delivery is so great i would love to push back on brutally honest you don't feel like you're brutally honest no not at all really i feel like you are there's nothing brutal about it it's just that oh okay oh the brutal part you fuck you're very honest let's be brutally honest with christin and sean but here's the here's the thing i get that

feedback a lot that i'm brutally honest and i think it's the people aren't used to hearing what honesty actually sounds like it feels brutal they're like oh my god ouch i didn't need to hear that, but it's just, it's just honesty. Wow, that's a great point. You're right. Well, we've been living in a world where everything has to be so politically correct and everyone's so sensitive now. Coddled. Yeah. But that's why I love you because you're honest and I think that's really important for people to hear. But because you're so good at that, I asked my followers for questions. I love you too, by the way. Thank you. That was our first. I love you. That was our first I love you on camera, documented. I feel really good about it. But so I. I love

Q&A. I love Q&A. I think it's fun. Oh, so great. And so I have a whole list of questions. But the main question was about being in a sexual rut when I asked my followers. And I mean, listen, I'm a mom. I have three kids. I've been there. Congratulations. Thank you. They're not new. But thank you. But I think. Let's give love to the single moms out there that are dating, raising children. Like, look, I'm a single guy with a dog. And I'm like, I can't, I can barely take care of myself. Yeah, no. It's not easy. To do that. like to raise children and be out there. Like, kudos.

I just want to acknowledge the listeners out there that are single parents. Yeah, here's to the single moms. And dads. And dads, absolutely. There's a few of those. I do that a lot, but they are out there. But even if you don't have kids, I think anytime you've been in a long-term relationship, I mean, that could even be two years.

You've probably experienced a sexual rut to some degree. Sure. So how can couples get out of the rut and keep it fun and exciting? Date new people. Bring a third in. Bring someone else in. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

Great advice. I'm kidding. So I have a tool for this. It's called the, there's this thing called the yes, no, maybe list and we'll include it in the show notes. I love this. It's a questionnaire that you can take out to dinner or to drinks with your partner. You get a babysitter. You print out two copies of this thing. And it has a lot of like yes, no, maybes, things that you could try in the bedroom that you are a yes, no, or maybe two. And you could draw like little happy faces or sad faces. And it's all sorts of stuff. And it's like, it's the stuff that we think about, you know, that might be a little bit kinkier, like whatever, candle wax or nipple clamps or all that stuff.

But there's just a lot of different stuff. And it can open up some avenues. Yeah. Moreover, they have this section where it really helps you figure out what can you do to use the kind of language that will turn your partner on, which I've never even considered. Like, some people really like the word dick, but they don't like the word cock. Or it's like, so call my, call my penis a cock. never call it a wee-wee. Oh my God, yeah. No, always call it a wee-wee. Always call it a wee-wee. I have a kid thing, like, you know, whatever. So, so there's all these ways in which you can communicate more effectively

to turn your partner on. So I think those are two little tools that can be kind of fun. It's actually really easy to do. You print it up and you go and you kind of commit to having like a date night about it. Yeah, and it sounds fun. And I think it would just bring you guys closer too. If you don't want paper involved in any of this and you just want prompts, I think the issue, you is that we're not used to talking about sex. And I think the longer you go without talking about it, the harder it becomes to do it, to kind of broach the subject. It's like when you stop going to the gym, you know how hard it is to get back in there? Yeah, it's real hard. You know how good it feels when you finally do. I know. Same thing with sex talk. Yeah. So can you set some time aside and say,

honey, I'd love to talk about our sex life. I love having sex with you. Right? Like, Yeah, you got to like be nice. Yeah, yeah. Start with something positive. And I'd love for us to figure out, like, new things that we can try or ways that we can eat our needs or, like, something to make it maybe a little bit more intimate or a little bit more exciting. So I think just like that as a prompt as an opener. And you might be, you might be met with some resistance. Yeah, I'm sure. What do you mean? You don't like what I do or no, I love what you do. I just want more of it or a different kind. Yeah. Just change it up a little bit.

You want to eat hot dogs for the rest of your life. Exactly. No, I want different kinds of meats and. I want all the meats. So a prompt to start that conversation. And, you know, sex is a dance. It's an exploration. Yeah. Okay. I love that. That actually sounds like fun, printing it out and taking it and having a fun date night. Yes, no, maybe list in the show notes by this company called Autostraddle. I love that. I'm going to look that up for when I'm in a relationship.

Yeah. Or you can actually do this when you're dating. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. It could be like a fun. It doesn't have to be like in a rut. No. It could be with a, it could be, some people have lovers. I think I was just thinking about this on the way over. we need more lovers. I agree with you. You know, where are the lovers? Well, because I heard you talking about like situation ships, Nick Vial was like, end the situation ship. But like, in France, people would just call that a lover. Right. I need more lovers in my life, I've realized. Hello. Okay. Let's bring back the lovers. What's your Instagram handle? You're not on Rye anymore, so. I am, but I mean, I don't check it. Okay. I haven't deleted it yet. Also, I thought I deleted my

account last year and then come to find out they were still showing my profile to people. So I got to really look into that. Sucks for them. Getting their hopes up and everything. Just ignoring everybody. So, yeah, we need more lovers. We need more lovers. I'm here for that.

Okay, let's talk about men specifically. I know women do it too, but masturbating in relationship. Because I know a lot of women who will find out that their husband has been masturbating. And it's like almost like they take it personally, like their man would rather be masturbating than having sex with them. I can see that would be a problem. Yeah. So walk me through that. So I think masturbation in a relationship is fine, as long as your partner's sexual needs

are being met. Okay. And I think the problem is when they're not being met and you've got someone jerking off in the side room or in the guest room and you're in bed going, what the fuck? Right. So also I do want to give a little bit of room for it to be okay, to sometimes not have the energy to have sex, right? Masturbating and masturbating and masturbating to pornography.

And we can talk about. I know. I know. I knew you're leading me down a road. and I know exactly what you're doing. It can be a source of like stress relief and it can be like a very, it's a solo practice. It doesn't require having to be present to anybody else. And on its own, I don't think it's a problem.

I think it's a problem when you're not having sex with your partner and your partner wants to be having sex with you. Okay. So that's when a conversation needs to happen. Hey, I noticed you're masturbating to pornography or on your own, but we're not having sex. And that feels bad. and I'm horny and lonely and kind of sad about the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. What can we do? Yeah. What can we do to fix this? It's not that like you and I,

the problem isn't between us. It's that we're, the problem is in front of us. We are a team and we're going to try to fix and solve this problem together. I like that. And so there needs to be some communication. My whole thing always comes back to communication. I know it's kind of boring. No, but it's the truth. What are you going to do? How are we going to? Yeah. We're not mind readers. No, communication is everything. Is there a world in which men just, really need to get off a lot more than women. And even if you're having a really healthy sex life, they still just need to be coming a lot. Yeah, just jizz. I got a jizzing left and right. So there is something called libido discreptancy. It's a real thing. I'm not an expert in it, but I do know that

maybe communicating about it and like finding some common ground is probably the solution. Here's the thing, though, if you've got to partner with high libido, and I don't think it's like as women age, their libido goes up and men's libido goes down. So we're not just talking about dudes needing to jizz all the time. That's true. Women need to do. Yeah, it's the women, it's not, nobody's a problem. But the women also need to jizz a lot. So, so if you're a high libido partner, you're going to feel kind of disappointed that your partner's not able to meet you there. But if you're a low libido partner, you're going to feel disappointed that you're not able to meet your partner also. So there's a lot of disappointment. Right. And if we can connect on that,

like, oh, honey, I really wish I could. It's just like, I'm not up for it. You know, I'm not up for it as much as you are. And on the other side, it's like, I feel really. bad because I'm up for it more than you are. So there's no bad person, high or low. Oh, completely. It's almost like if the low libido partner is the one who has to put out to match the high libido partner, which I don't think is actually the truth. I think it's that there's a discreptancy.

And is that enough to kill the relationship? I don't know. I would hope not. I would hope not either. Yeah. And also, like, you know, this is 2025. Maybe there is an opportunity to bring in like a pitch hitter. every now and then to satisfy some of those needs.

I'm not saying that most traditional relationships are not going to be able to do that, but there are some that maybe are. And what if you're the low libido partner and you're like, hey, I love my partner and I want them to be happy. And if they can get some of their needs met elsewhere, that takes a lot of pressure off of me.

That's true. Yeah. You can go to bed early still. I can go to your girlfriend's house. So, you know, it's more of a niche. It's a niche solution, but it is, you know, it is 2025. Yeah, I think that stuff is way more acceptable for sure. Have you read all fours by Miranda July? No, but I feel like I should.

Hey, listener, if you haven't read all fours by Miranda July, it's a really good book. Okay, and that's about... It's about a woman who is going through perimenopause and who is struggling with attraction to her partner and they eventually... I don't want to spoil it. Yeah, don't ruin it. But it's a great book. And it, I don't know. I think it's good.

It's fun. All right. Well, I'll get that. I need a new book. It's a good read. Okay. Yeah. I love that.

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That's A-R-M-R-A dot com slash honest. Okay, but let's talk about porn. Do you feel like porn is desensitizing men to realistic sex? I think it's the death grip on their penis that's desensitizing them to regular sex. That's one thing. It's funny, my brother and I, when he was like, 11. I think I must have been 9 or something. Maybe he was 12. I don't know how he got his hands on a porno. And he was drinking a beer at like 12. Yeah, I don't know what. Maybe he was, he must have been 13 and

I was 10. We were young, right? So he's watching this porno and he's drinking a beer and my mom caught us. And like, I kind of like walked into the whole thing. She pulled me a sign too. He was like, I just want to tell you, that's not what real sex looks like. So I would hope that most people know that, you know, porn isn't really what most sex looks like. And there are great ethical porn sites out there. There's one actually called Make Love Not Porn. Oh, cute. So cute. And all it is, and you can go and look at free, like, clips of these. I'm getting so many tips today. I love this. I'm a tip man. I love it. Go look at Make Love NotPorn.tv, I think. And it's, it's real couples having sex. Oh, wow. And there's a curator that works for them that looks at all of the submissions

to make sure there aren't any like porn tropes in there so there is stuff out there and usually it's usually a lot of the ethical porn is made by women yeah the majority of porn is very exploitative towards women it's not an accurate representation of what sex looks like I think if you got most of your education from porn you you might be like a little disappointed yeah but the things that I like about sex are like eye contact missionary like like full body contact like like I don't know just like I like making love I guess yeah right so I don't know why I told you that I guess I just wanted you to know I'm really happy you told me I agree actually well I think most people would agree with that but also are like are guys really thinking that like

it's got to end with a facial I think there are some guys out there my guess is they would typically be a little bit younger maybe in their 20s yeah and no one take that like I'm talking from personal experience I'm just saying that would be my guess it's a weird way to end sex by the way. Yeah, I mean, it's not, it's not as cool as you think it's going to be. No, that doesn't end well at all. Louis C.K. has a joke about how he tried it and he was like, it sucked for everybody. No one wins in that situation. Do you feel like it might have the opposite effect on some guys where it makes them have no sex drive then in the real world? Oh, yeah. I think sometimes if you want to have sex drives, stop looking at pornography. Right. Because most men can only

ejaculator or the only masturbate with porn. Right. They can't just like close their eyes and visualize something. No. Is that because you guys are just really visual creatures? Well, I think it's because it's a shortcut. It's just easier. It's a shortcut to getting turned on. Yeah. I mean, I found myself sometimes this happens. I'm a little, I'm not embarrassed, but like to admit that like, sometimes I'll look at a porn side just to get turned on to masturbate because I want the dopamine hit. Right. It's all about dopamine. Yeah. Right. So it's not that I'm turned on. It's that I want to feel different than I'm feeling right now. So if I, if I'm bummed, if I'm stressed, if I'm sad or whatever, looking at porn and then masturbating will change that for like 20 minutes. Right. It's an

escape. It's an escape. Yeah. It's an escape. What about erectile dysfunction? Okay. Hold on. Okay. If, hey, whoa. Hold your horse. Hold on. Because you go so fast. That's why I can't get it up. If you want to to like kind of reboot your libido, yeah, stop looking at porn. Yeah. And, And you will. I remember I did this for a while. I don't look at it that often, but I did this for a while. And I was like, actually, it really, I got turned on. And then I would have to be like, oh, I think I need to like find someone to have sex with. I need to go on dates. I love that. And so it, like, gave me more energy to go on dates. And I think that if you're in your basement or your whatever, your guest room and all you're doing is sort of, that's how you're getting all of your sexual needs met, maybe there's not a lot of desire to go on dates.

Right. Or to go meet somebody because, like, that's, it's low effort. Exactly. It's low effort. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Can we talk about erectile dysfunction?

We can't. I do have one more thing to say. All right. Just you tell me know when you're ready. Sometimes. This is just a tip, though. Sometimes you're like, you want to, you think you might want to have sex with someone, but you don't know. Because sexual desire, I think can run the show a little bit in the beginning. Right? Like, and sometimes it's like, do I really like them or do I just want to have sex with them? Thousand percent. Right? Yes. And there's nothing wrong with having sex to find out if that's what's going on. And maybe if everybody's on board, that's okay. But for the most part, no one's on board. The other person doesn't know. That you're just in it for the sex. Because you don't even really know if you're in it for the sex. Go masturbate.

Oh. And if after you're still interested in calling them or texting. If you're like, oh, I'm going to text because I want to see them. I want to have sex with them. Masturbate first. Good too. And then after, are you still excited to see them? And if the answer is no.

There's your answer. There's your answer. Do that after a first date? No, I do not want to see them again. Yeah. Okay. Now I'm ready. Okay.

Perfect. Okay. So erectile dysfunction. I feel like has gotten really common. And so I want to talk about what really causes it. And because I do feel like women take it personally. Oh yeah. It's so sad. It is sad. I feel so badly. But it has nothing to do with the woman, right? Typically. Typically. Typically. So what causes it? I'm not a doctor. Right. But you're a dude with a penis. But I'm a dude with a penis that luckily has not had to struggle with erectile dysfunction. That's good. Yeah, just throwing it out there.

Just want to clear that up. Thank you so much. Okay. So I think it's the first predictor of cardiovascular issues. Oh. Yeah. So oftentimes I think it can be medical. Yeah.

And the other part is that it's a psychological thing. Yeah. It's rarely about your partner. So go to the doctor. Do you have low tea? You might have low testosterone. Yeah. Everybody's on whatever.

Do you need to lose weight? You might need to, if you can't see your penis, people are talking about, have you heard about ozempic dick? No. The people are thinking that like, that OZempic makes you bigger. But your dick bigger? Yeah, make your dick bigger. But doctors are like, no, it's just because you're losing fat.

You're like, your body's getting smaller and so more of the shafts is, yeah. No, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. My dick is bigger. No, it's not. You're smaller. Oh my God. That's genius. Yeah.

So how's your cardiovascular health? Are you doing any sort of cardio? Are you lifting? Is your testosterone okay? These are like the first thing. What if you're doing all of those things? Okay. What if everything is good? Okay. So medically you're okay. Physically, physically you're okay. Psychologically what's going on. Are you super stressed? Are you broke? Are you like, do you have a shit ton of debt? Do you have a lot of unresolved trauma? Right. Like all that stuff is going to really affect your libido. Right. Right.

So go get your head checked. Is there a world in which it happens with one particular girl, but not with anyone else. Like, could one particular girl make a guy insecure for some reason where that would happen consistently? I mean, if you're always making fun of his small penis or how bad he is in bed. What if you don't know how he's in bed because he can't get it off? Well, yeah. This is getting really personal now. Do you have any stories for me? No. Nothing that we can talk about on the air. I don't know. It's like, I think it's rarely about the partner. Yeah. Okay. I mean, there is a world in which you're not attracted to your partner. Right.

And if you can get it up with porn, you can't get up with your partner, that might be something to explore. But also, I think... So typically, if a guy's having an issue with it, it's across the board. It's porn. It's with a partner. Like, he's having a hard time all around. Oh, I don't know that.

I don't know that. There might be, like, we were talking about porn desensitized. You know, they might need... I think people who look at a lot of porn tend to go look at, like, more aggressive and, like, harder and harder and harder. and so because they need more stimulation. So, yeah, cut the porn out, I think is one thing. Here's the other thing.

Don't be switching cards. Yeah, we're still on there. No, just stay present with me here. Okay. That's actually why I hate these because it does pull me out of it. I'm listening. Okay. Here's the problem.

Here's another problem. I'm going to run this one by you. I can't wait. A lot of guys as they get older start losing their hair. Yeah. And the first thing that they get prescribed is finasteride. Oh. Propetian.

one of the side effects, lowered libido. Okay, I was going to say I've heard that prescription pills will do that. Oh, so yeah, antidepressants. Yeah. So, okay. So what's your, what's your like medicine stack for sure? Right. You could do out antidepressants. Do you want to be depressed or do you want to have a soft penis? I don't know. I think I would go depressed. I don't know, though. You could kill yourself. That's true. No, you're right. I know. That's actually not funny at all. I'm cutting that. I know. It's okay. No, it's okay. No, don't cut it out. Don't cut it out. It's fine. It's, it's, because it's actually a legitimate question. Yeah. It is. And so like I started, my hair started sinning. And I was like, I was dating this woman and I go, okay, you got, you can pick hair or dick. And she was like,

dick. Yeah. And so I've been wrestling with this and I just fucking shaved my head and I go, I want a dick that works. Yeah. So I'm not willing to take finasteride because of that. Even though it only, not everybody gets side effects. There's other weird side effects like watery semen. What? Ew. That is disgusting. I mean, whatever. But like it's all disgusting. But, Right. Why is it watery? You know what's going on? Lowered libido, yeah, like loss of erection and I think it's hard. I think men who are losing their hair, it's hard.

That's tough for a guy, yeah. I used to love my gray. I know, I've seen photos of you with hair. I looked like George Clooney's gay nephew, you know? Gay nephew. I loved it. You look great with no hair, though, too. Thank you.

I'm finally, it took a year to like kind of get to, I thought it was only going to take three months to get used to it. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. No, it looks great. But I'd rather thank you. And I'd rather, I'd rather have a penis the works. I agree with that. Okay, what else? I think there's also, let me tell me about my penis. I want to talk about how you, you have herpes and you're very open about it. What? You can't as out would be like that. Did you know that? But you're

very open about it. I've been trying to block it out. I've been trying to block it out. Yeah. Yeah. No, but I think that you being open about it is helping way more people than you probably even know. I think it is so cool that you are doing that. Yeah. So I want to know when it comes to dating how you handle that. How do you go about having herpes? I just don't tell people. You just have sex. I tell them after. Responsible. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I have them sign a release after. Yeah. So I am 42. I got herpes at 38 and I thought my life was over. I called my friend who's a sex sex educator and I was like, I got herpes. And she was like, you just now got it. Wow. You got a good run. I'm really surprised, actually. So, like, it's common. It happens. I heard your little bit about

people with oral herpes with cold sores, which, by the way, cold sores is herpes. I know. And I think on my podcast, I was like, oh, it's a little bit different. But no, it's literally the same thing. Except for it's on your face. Yeah. And we were just talking about this. And I kissed there. I've been had two guys in the last five years who have told me that they have cold sores, which yes, is herpes. And it's been after we've kissed. Sure. I feel, I think that's kind of weird. Yeah. I would want to know. You know, it's interesting. I didn't think twice about it then, but now I am sort of like, actually, that was kind of fucked up. It's a little weird, but also Americans have a different way of looking at this.

Europeans are just like, oh, herpes, like whatever. Like everyone has it. Kind of. Yeah. But general herpes, not everybody has it. It's like, like an eighth of the population might have it or a tenth of the population. Yeah, it's actually. Oh, I thought it was one in three people.

I guess that's. One in three people have some type of herpes. Got it. Okay, right, but not necessarily genital. So I thought my life was ruined and that I was. would never have sex again and that I was going to be chaste for the rest of my life. And is it chaste? Is that the right word? Chaste? Oh, chast eyes. No, like chastity. Like anyways. Yeah, did I get it right? We're going to fact check that. And the reality that's not been the case.

That's not been the case. Although I will say, I wonder if that's because I have sex with women and women are more understanding than men. Oh, yeah, probably. I've heard stories of men totally freaking out. Wow. I've heard a story, too, actually. Yeah. So, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I, you know, you get tested. You get antivirals that you can use every day or only when you get outbreaks. You get more outbreaks when you're stressed when you're not taking care of yourself. So it's actually a good reminder to sleep, eat, rest, exercise, don't be too stressed out. And then you just talk about it. Like, so are you saying it on a first date? Or how do you navigate that? I will bring it up at some point when I know that we're going to have sex. Yeah. And sometimes you don't know that you're going to have sex.

I had an experience recently where we kissed in the car and then it was like, you want to come up. And it's like, oh, okay. I wasn't. Yeah. The kiss was good. And it was like the kiss totally changed the trajectory. I love that. And so then we had to have a conversation at some point. So like in between the car and going upstairs. You're like, no, in bed. Oh. Which I think is okay. I think people are like, oh, wait, don't wait until you're in bed. Like, I mean, definitely do it before you're having sex. Right. You can be making out and be like, okay. I think this is a good time to bring it up. Yep.

Because it has to be brought up. I literally just had this conversation before you came here about this exact thing. And I actually said, I do feel like you should do it before you're in bed. I heard that on your podcast. Oh, I've said that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like don't, don't like spring it on them. Yeah.

Because I think in the heat of the moment, I think a lot of people are like, whatever, fuck it. I don't care. I don't know. No one has ever been like, I don't care. Fuck it. like no one's been, I don't know, maybe I'm just not that hot, you know, or I don't turn them on that much where they're like feverishly wanting to fuck you. I don't care. I need you right now. Yeah, yeah. No, it's usually a pretty sobering moment. Like when you say like,

hey, I'd like, so the way I have this conversation is say, I'd like to take a moment to talk about sexual health. Like, you have to stop making out or like, you have to kind of punctuate like, hey, we're going to have a conversation about this. That usually brings the temperature way down. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, we're, we're now in like, real talk. Adults are talking right now. Yeah. And then you say, I have herpes. I've had it for a couple years. I don't get cold sores that often or I get them every six months or whatever the time is. I sometimes take antivirals. I take them when I have outbreaks or I take them every day. Some people take them every day. I think they can be a little hard on your kidneys after a while.

Everything else. Like everything else. Yeah. So you have to figure out whether you're like because I've been single, I haven't been taking it because if I get an outbreak, it doesn't matter, you know. But if I was in a relationship and I wanted to have unprotected sex, which I've had relationship with women where we've had unprotected sex for months, and I was on antivirals and there was no, I didn't spread herpes. So it's possible. So your sex life is, by no means is it over? And then you say, I was last tested a couple months ago. I've had one partner since then. We've had this conversation with them. They didn't have any STIs. Do you have any questions for me? Because you should be educated about your STI. You should know as kind of a lot about transmission,

rates and how to take care of it and how to prevent it and what helps, what doesn't. Because that's going to make someone feel a lot more comfortable. Oh, absolutely. And I think because I'm used to having the conversation, I've had it a lot. Not because I've had a lot of sex in the last couple years, but I used to have HPV when I was younger. I had warts and it was sucked. Is that what HPV is? That's one of the 50 strains. Oh, okay. And so I was used to having that conversation from an early age. Wow. How young were you? I was like, I think one of my first girlfriends, David's, too. Wow. Jennifer. I bet that was hard. It sucked. Yeah. It sucked. It really did. Yeah. It was a bummer. But I learned early on that you have to have that conversation. And the more you have it, the better it gets, 100%. I will say, though,

unfortunately, or fortunately for me, I've never really gotten rejected because of it. Right. And a lot, I've heard from a lot of women that they have. Wow. That actually breaks my heart. Yeah, it is really sad. But also, who knows how it was brought up and who they were dating. The fact is that you might experience rejection. Right. But you're going to experience rejection in life. Exactly. And you are not your herpes. You are, that is just like a thing that you have to deal with every now and then. Yep. There are also people who get one outbreak and they never get another one. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's nice. And I would much rather have sex with someone who has herpes and knows how to take care of themselves, knows how to talk about sexual health, knows last time when they were tested, then someone who was like,

I don't know. Right. I'm clean. Right. Are you? Really actually have no idea. Yeah. And we have to be careful because HIV is on the rise. It has been for the last, like, amongst heterosexual couples. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you do. You have to get tested. You have to be smart about this stuff. You just do. And it's not the end. It's not the end of the world. No. I love that you're so open about that. And I appreciate you talking about it here too. We're going to cut that last segment. Just kidding. We keep it in it. Wow. Really appreciate that. It's all getting cut. No, I want to move on to listener questions. I know. We have, like, go, go. I know. Like, we got to wrap this thing up. It's a two-hour special. Clearly it is. Because by the way, this is about to take so long, too.

Okay. And it's all over the map, which I actually love. But we're just going to start strong because that's all we know how to do. How do you give the best blow job and actually enjoy it? Enjoy giving a blow job? Yeah. I've only given a couple of my life and they don't call it a job for nothing. That is hard work. That is hard work. Honestly, no, I just. kudos, kudos to people giving blowjobs out there. I can only tell you what I like. I don't know how to tell you how to give a good one and to enjoy it. And is every guy different?

That would be your area. That's where I step in? I think so. I'm not, I can't. I'm a mother. What do you mean? Oh my God. Moms don't give head.

I think, okay, to enjoy it, you have to be excited that you're pleasing your partner. Sure. I think that's where the enjoyment comes from. I will say that some women really get off on it. I know. Like they just, they're like kind of. Yeah. They're really into it. Yeah. But yeah, you have to be like, I'm pleasing my partner. And so that's what makes you excited about it. Yeah. To enjoy it. I will say that I've had a range of from good to bad. I believe it. Yeah. From good to bad. Okay. What makes a bad blow job? I think teeth. I like a more like, I think I like sort of a slower. I don't really need. I don't, I don't, I'm uncircumcised. So I don't need a ton of. Yeah. I don't need a ton of pressure. Yeah. And you know that like circumcision. like removes like a lot of a lot of the sensitivity yeah so i would prefer a soft to blow job

like make love to it you know instead of and some guys they they need a lot of stimulation yeah and i think that's where it becomes a job it's like wow this is a lot of work yeah exactly i'm gripping it i'm sucking it like my neck my neck hurts and that's where communication also comes in like do you like this what do you like tell me what you want oh just just like suck it yeah yeah can you say i like i like slower pressure. I like a little bit more. I like it when you go deep, obviously. I like it when you, you know, you use your hand, your fingers to go up and down. I will say, though, to give good head regardless of gender and who you're giving it to, you got to be comfortable. Set yourself up

in an ergonomically correct position. Agreed. Yeah. You know, get a pillow if you need it. Post up. Put a pillow for your knees if you're going to do like side of the bed thing. Like, yeah. Be smart about it. Yeah. Agreed. I don't want to be half off the bed. Yeah. If I'm going in for a marathon session, you know. Put an ottoman back there. Yes. Well, you know, we have to remove a lot of these like things that kind of like make sex hard. Yeah. And like get you out of your head. You want to be in your body. Yes, you have to be present. Okay, I love that. Nailed it. Nailed it. Good job. How should the girl initiate sex if she doesn't like being the one to initiate? That's a hard question. Because every guy's different or what? Just because like,

it's like, oh, I want sex, but I don't want to ask for it. I know. Like, do you want, do you want to get what you want? Right. But then if I ask for it, does you really want it? I know. Then it's like, guys, come on. Like, just ask for what you want.

Yeah. I had to learn that. In my early 20s, I would never ask for what I wanted in a relationship. And now I'm like, the only way to get what you want is to speak up. Otherwise, you will never get what you want. No one's in mind. And they're like, I want to be in my feminine. I want to be, I want him to lead.

I want them to like... Yeah, but don't guys love when a girl initiates? I guess. Like, I always hear guys, it'd be nice if she would initiate once in a while. I'm often the initiator. And so I'm like, I don't actually have a lot of experience

being initiated on. Would you like it, you think, if a girl took the lead on that? Probably. I would imagine, right? I mean, here's the thing with libido, though. Like, sometimes it's... Okay, there's spontaneous desire.

There's two types of desire. Spontaneous desire and responsive desire. And so this is important you're talking about libido discrepancies as well, is that, like, spontaneous desire is like, I'm hard. I want to fuck. You know, like, it's really easy to initiate when you're in that place. Yeah. And then the responsive desire is if like, if you tickle my cock, I'm probably going to get hard. Right. Right. And so know that if you're initiating, they might have responsive desire and then want to have sex. I'm just thinking of it from when I'm not in the mood for sex.

You can easily get in the mood. I might, I have to like remember that I'm probably going to get in the mood. Yeah. But also, can we just. start making out? Exactly. Like, by the way, when the guy approaches the girl, more times than not, the girl's not in the mood either. You got to warm it up. You got to warm it up. You got to make out. So do you, so how do you, yeah, I don't know if we can, how to get him to initiate doesn't exist. Like, that's like mind telepathy. Right. Right. Oh, I like, I heard guys or guys like it when she like gets naked to go take a shower. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So like a little visual, like a little Guys love our visual.

Yeah. So maybe like changing or like, you know, like, oh, like I'm trying on these things. What do you think of these underwear? Is this weird? This thong look. It's my ass look juicy in this stuff. Okay. Is my ass like juicy?

So like that. Trying to turn them on a little bit without turning them on. Okay. That's, I actually love that. And then you could say, hey, honey, I've just been trying to turn you on for a second. It's not working and now I'm really horny. Can we fuck? Yeah.

Yeah. Done. I love that. That's great. Or how about like, hey, just can we be like very direct about what we want? That's hard for some people. I know, because they're scared of rejection. I know.

And that's valid. Yeah, thousand percent. Also, I'm loving. You love that poof? You love a poof. I'm going to take this one of me. You take that with you. I think he put his, the poof in his pocket.

Your souvenir. Okay, thoughts on if he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to, he would. I hate it. You hate it. I really hate it. Why? And I agree.

it to a sort of certain degree. Great. I hate to agree with it. I hate to. Because there's a lot of reasons why he won't. Like? He's shy. Yeah.

He's scared. It's post me too. He doesn't want to be creepy. He doesn't think he stands a chance. He's tired. He's stressed out. He's fucking worried about his sick mom. Like the list goes on forever.

Okay. Yeah. You know, like, can we just humanize this a little bit that it's hard for everybody? And there's a lot of pressure on men to like, always have to be the one who is pursuing or always or her locks it or locks it down or you know it's like let me just share the load a little bit i would like that so would you like a girl to approach you sure if i don't if i'm if i think you're hot yeah i think you're interesting and i we vibe then fuck yeah right approach me all the time okay if i'm not into you i'll tell you

I'll say no, and you will know, you will finally be put out of your misery of waiting around like a baby dough waiting to be saved by some man, you know, and then telling yourself walking away going, well, if you wanted to, he would, fuck him. And like going for your second espresso martini to calm your nerves. I love that picture you just painted for us. Thank you. Just like, just fucking ask for the thing. Yeah. I mean, who cares? So you get rejected, whatever. Life is too short. Life is too short. I agree. And can you give us just like a little bit of grace? All of them. us. Yeah. All genders. Can you give us a little? We're just, we're doing the best we can. We're all

human. And yeah, sometimes some guys will, they'll go after what they want. Sometimes they won't. Because they're, because of all those reasons. Right. Okay. Okay. How do you get a guy to actually meet in person versus just texting for weeks? I hate these questions. How do you get a guy? You don't get a guy to do it. How do you get a guy? How do you, how do you keep him interested? How can you get him to? I know. These are not my questions, but I know, I'm like, I'm offended. Hey, Sean, dial it down a little bit. No, I love your listeners. I love your listeners. And your Instagram. It was this on Instagram? I love all your Instagram followers. Hey, follow me at the Love Drive. Yeah, exactly. Now you love them. I'll answer all your questions. How do we get a guy to ask you out?

Yeah, so like, and I've actually experienced this to a degree where like some guys want a fucking pen pal, right? And they want a text. And it's like, I think for the woman, you have to set a boundary. Like, either we're meeting each other or we're not. Like, I don't need a texting buddy. Like, what are we doing? Just say, hey, you're going to ask me out or we're just going to, because I'm not into this pen pal thing. Yeah, I don't need a pen pal thing. Don't need a pen pal.

It's that simple. It really is. Yeah. And I'll be like, oh, fuck. Okay. Ice cream tomorrow. Nothing I love more than an ice cream date. So you can't, okay, here's the thing.

Like blanket statement. You can't get a guy to do anything. Amen. You can. Including load of dishwasher. You can ask him. Yeah. You can ask him.

You can say, hey, if you ask me out on a date, I wouldn't say no. I like that. Okay. Can we just cut out of the chase? I would love if we actually met in person. Hello. Rather than texting. But you know, if you say, if you ask me out, I would say yes.

I like that. They still have to ask you out. Yeah, right. And you can feel like a girl. There you go. Everybody wins. You can still be the feminine. Yeah.

You can still be in your feminine and let the man lead. You just drop the handkerchief. It's the. it's the modern day handkerchief. I like that. Okay, that's good. That's good. Sex on the first date. Yes or no. Sure. Or not. I think it matters, but like it does matter. I think it can matter. So if a girl sleeps with a guy in the first date, potentially he could lose respect for you. Yeah, but also like three of my girlfriends, we had sex on the first date. Yeah. So if you like them, it's not going to be like, what a slut. Yeah. You're the slut too, dude. If you had sex on the first day. Thank you. Girls get always the

bad rap. And I will say that sometimes, you know, know, there's, there is something to be said for a little bit of mystery. Yeah, I agree with that. And there is something to be said for like, making them chase it a little bit. I don't like the, I don't like the wording, but yeah, like. Making them work for it a little bit. Maybe making them work for it a little bit or not giving it up too soon. Like, look, some, some people do not have sex on the first date. Some people like to have sex on the first day. My friend Sabrina Zohar, her, I know who that is. Yeah, they had sex on the first date. She talks a lot about that. She does. and we're talking about it now.

They've been together for two and a half years. They moved from San Diego to L.A. They're happy. And, you know, so it can't happen. If there are feelings there, I think having sex on the first day, it doesn't ruin feelings. It's not like a guy is all of a sudden going to be like, she's a whore. I don't think so. Right?

I mean, unless he's an asshole. Exactly. And he likes you and you sleep with them, it's going to be okay. If he likes you and you sleep with them, it's going to be okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah. All right. Even if it's weird and awkward.

Even if the kissing's awful. Also, let's be honest. Like, how many times you had sex for the first time? Let's be honest. You're like, ping every time you hear that. Good job, John. How many times have you had sex on the first day and it's been great? I've actually only had sex on the first date one time and it turned into a relationship.

But it actually, no, you're right. It was not great. It was fine. It was fine. It was fine. It did the job? Oh, my God. Did the job?

Did you orgasm? No, because I was drinking. Whiskey dick? I had a whiskey dick. I couldn't get it up. I had erectile dysfunction. Drinking affects your ability to have an orgasm? Drinking effects, yes, my ability to have an...

I love sober sex way more than drugs. It's the best. I've been having it for 17 years. I love that for you. Yeah. I, for the most part, have sober sex. Well, I don't have sex at all right now, but... Right, right. It's all sober sex.

What? I don't have sex. What was last time you had sex? New Year's Eve. Isn't that sad? What year? 2010. 2010, 2020, 2020, COVID. Last year. Yeah, so six months ago. I mean, it's not sad. It's like, if you want to be having more sex. It's been a, I mean, it's been a conscious decision. Sure. So not sad then. No, I've actually been okay. But I would like to have sex. But you'd like to have sex. But I have to like someone to have sex. I actually have to like someone to have sex. I actually have never been someone that I can just sleep with whoever. Great. Yeah. How was it New Year's, huh? Were you and you were. I dated someone. I dated someone for like a month. You wanted to really end it with a best. You wanted to really end it with a best. You wanted to really end it with a Or yeah, I guess you weren't ringing it in. That was the last time I saw him.

I was like, this isn't working. Wow. I know. High states. High states. Yeah. Okay. And then the last one is a guy was full on pursuing a girl and then all of a sudden

ghosted her. Can we have a little context? Well, we need some context for this like 10 letter question, 10 word question. Those boxes are small. Yeah, they are small. And I like him like that. Yeah. Imagine if you would just get paragraph after paragraph.

People DM me those things. They're like, hey, box doesn't fit. I was like, no, that box for a reason. Box for a reason. It's off of limits. People think the DMs are a private space, a safe space, and they're not. I will screenshot you and blast you on my stories if I want. Yeah.

Careful. Not you. Yeah. People ghost. I would say he met someone else. Or he realized he's actually just not that into you. Fair? Oh, I don't care why he ghosted.

Okay. He's just, like, it doesn't matter. Why? What do you think about ghosting? I think it sucks. Yeah. I think it sucks. And actually, one of my most viral TikToks from like ages ago was just me saying, hey, instead of ghosting, just say this. And then I said, the time that we had to, oh, thanks for hanging out. It was fun. And this isn't the connection that I'm looking for. I think I saw that. And I got, it was very divisive. Some women were like, oh my God, please just ghost me. Do not send me that. Really? Yeah. So it's generational and it's contextual. Some people were just like, I'd rather just you ghost me because then I'll know I would hate to be ghosted I know it feels really bad I want you to be honest with me and just like hey it's not working out I'd be like great good luck to you I yeah good yeah I agree I will say so I've always been the person to say hey I just don't see a future with you it's been great getting to know you blah blah blah the way that the way that men respond to that though I've had very few would be like hey respect that thank you for letting me know most of the time they are little bitches about it that's why and that's what I learned from that from that TikTok is a lot of women were like oh no you've never rejected a fragile male yeah like

it could be dangerous yeah they get very bitchy and they'd rather get ghosted yeah they could get like violent yeah no guys do not like that at all no it's so sad but i've actually only ghosted someone i think for sure once maybe twice but i felt really bad about it like i don't yeah i don't like doing that it's just it's it's it's like it's gonna happen yeah and try not to take it personally the way I like to look at is like, oh, this person wasn't mature enough to have like a mildly uncomfortable conversation. Exactly. Or send a dodged a bullet. You dodged a bullet. I know I kind of hate that as like a piece of advice, but you did. It's true though because you want someone who can communicate and clearly that person can't. No. After I just recently go said someone. And

and just sit with the disappointment and the discomfort and the sadness of being rejected. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Amazing. You're the best. Oh my God. Awesome. Let's do it again. We'll do it again. Tell everyone where they can find you. At the Love Drive on Instagram. I have a substack. It's called The Love Drive. Google the Love Drive. Just Google it. You're a great follow on Instagram. I'm a great follow on Instagram. I just finished doing my podcast with John Kim, The Angry Therapist. We have a year of a podcast called We Can Do Better. Yeah. And I think I'm going to start up my old podcast, The Love Drive. Love it. Again. I love that. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me. So fun. Honored. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.