Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - Nick Viall Wants You to End Your Situationship

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Podcast host, reality TV alum, and incredible advice giver Nick Viall and I discuss everything going on with men when it comes to dating from flirting on Instagram to when it's your responsibility to make the first move, how to tell if he's not into you, why to never ask a guy "what are we", guys' biggest dating insecurity, what percentage of men cheat, how guys fall in love, and what Nick blew my mind about.A word from our sponsors:The best relationships are always worth fighting for. So try something new in therapy. Visit regain.com/behonest today to get 10% off your first month.Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase. Go to drinkag1.com/honest.Go to signos.com and get up to 15% off by using code HONEST today.Get affordable luxury with Quince. Go to quince.com/honest for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.Go to getcanopy.co to save $25 on your Canopy filtered showerhead purchase today with Canopy's hassle-free filter subscription. Use code honest at checkout to save an additional 10 % off your Canopy purchase.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Welcome into Let's Be Honest, you guys. I'm your host, Kristen Cavallari, and my guest today is well-known from the Bachelor franchise, but today I think he's doing women a great service with dating advice on his podcast, The Vile Files. I'm with Nick Vile. How's it going? Good to be with you. Good. I am so excited for this conversation because I feel like you give the best dating

advice. You don't sugarcoat anything, which is what we need. I appreciate you saying that. I've had a lot of fun doing it. And, you know, I always say like, I appreciate like, you know, saying that I'm doing a service to women. Most of my audience is women. So that's good to hear that, you know, as a woman, you feel that way. But everything I talk about, honestly, is the shit I got wrong.

I'm like, you know, things that I've done and made mistakes on. And just, you know, it was me thinking one way and doing another and kind of lying to myself and, you know, convincing myself that I had to have a certain outcome and, you know, leading with my ego and things like that and so so relatable yeah and I think women in general I tend to be more in tune and interested in these type of topics and willing to learn where men seem to be a little bit more resistant to that but I guess I've I've I was one of those people who just I guess more for survival purposes had to like get my shit together. Well, it's working now. You're engaged.

You're having a baby. Yeah. Natalie is super pregnant now. It's awesome. We felt the baby kick like two weeks ago. That was exciting. Super exciting. Yeah.

It's been an absolute blessing. And we're really happy and excited. Well, congrats. I think everyone's happy for you. Okay. I want to get to all of the dating juice. Okay, so let's just jump right in. Let's do it. I want to start with Instagram and flirting. Okay.

So do you think that following someone and or liking their photos is a subtle flirt? And for everybody at home, I'm not talking about friendships. Like, you know, if you're just friends with someone, this is like that gray area. A subtle flirt. Subtle flirt. Yeah yeah but like you need to do more oh okay a hundred percent you need to do more but if you want to like i remember in the past like sometimes i think it's like be subtle but obvious okay so what's a way to be obvious or like responding to someone's story and being like like there was this one girl way back when i was interested in this was way back when so like facebook was also like a platform i was still using aging yourself

and we had some we were like talking as friends and i deliberately like went back to like a really old picture and just to comment on that and it was like like, I knew how it would come across. I like that move. Which was like, I'm looking at you. I like that. You know, like, and I, you know, asked a question regarding the photo and almost even called myself out. But it was like a little like, I'm making effort, you know, like. Oh, that's a good move. That type of thing. I like that.

Do you, like if a girl, and obviously I know you're engaged now. So this is like pre you being in this relationship but if a girl liked one of your photos would you take that as like a oh she's maybe interested in me interested note i mean she notices me okay okay okay and i think there's a little like a wink and i think that's the thing it's a fine line between like you know convincing yourself that you're super interested or they're noticing. Right. People don't like,

I mean, there's some people just like, you know, like, you know, I have friends in the biz or whatever and like,

especially when they're like posting like a, like an ad. I'm always like liking it and commenting because I'm just trying to support, you know, that type of thing.

That's nice of you. If it's an ad, I'm like, I'm not liking that. Yeah, it's just like, you know, and so, but if it's like some nice of you. If it's not, I'm like, I'm not liking that. Yeah, it's just like, you know. And so,

but if it's like some random like, yeah, they're not, it's not accidental. Right. Especially nowadays. I agree. And because I know guys who will only like my photos if they're 100% single. Like as soon as they're dating someone, even if it's not a full-blown relationship, they'll like stop. Yeah. So that's why I take it as like a subtle flirt. Yeah, totally. It's kind of a wave. Yeah. Like a little wink. Okay. What about Finstas? Do you guys have Finstas to stalk girls' pages? I don't and didn't. You never did? No. I've had a Finsta temporarily for more like, and it was just for just for what which is after you're in the public eye okay i find it i would take for granted that people pay attention to my internet activity and it's kind of a weird yes thing and not that i was doing anything but sometimes you want to do stuff anonymous but it's just like a weird yeah it's weird to have people like critique your

every move so i think i had one for a couple months and then I like got logged out accidentally and forgot the password and I just didn't care. So it was temporarily. But guy, no, I don't think for the purposes of dating. Yeah. Or like if you have a crush on a girl and you kind of want to like stalk their shit. Like I'll admit I've looked at guys tagged photos before and like a lot of my friends will look at a guy's like following list. But you can't be doing all that from your actual one in case there's like a slip up of like a watching a

story an accidental like like a but back to what we originally talked about if the worst thing you do is accidentally let someone know that you have a crush on that you're paying attention to yeah yeah but sometimes you're like oh shit oh no just own it you know i always say like people universally it doesn't matter it doesn't matter your gender you know people are attracted to confidence okay yes 100 you know people are you know when someone knows what they like it's an attractive thing especially if you know they like you yeah yeah you know and so like i don't know i think leading with that always works. Okay.

The hard part of that is finding out that they don't feel the same way. They don't like you. You know, but. It is what it is. You'll live. All right. Let's move on to the early dating stage. So your fiance slid into your DMs, right?

Yeah. Okay. So I've always sort of taken the stance that if a guy wanted to, he would. So I've never been one to make the first move. So I'm curious what your thoughts are on it and if it's changed since that was what your fiance did. I think the if he wanted to, he would is accurate, but situationally. Okay. I think in 2023, it's a little different, you know, in a sense that I think the kind of the gender roles and the expectations of dating have changed drastically in terms of what is expected. And I think for better and often worse, you have a lot of men unsure about the approach they should take. And I guess I just...

Like they're nervous to even approach a girl sure i mean i've been on like i've this was a while back but like and i wrote this in my book but like i was on scrolling on tiktok and one time i saw this viral tiktok and it was a young lady who like it was like men if i don't know you don't talk to me like you know and it went fucking viral it was basically like don't come up to me you're a stranger i don't want anything to do with you and this it was viral like thousands of comments being like yeah i hate it and like i listen i don't know what it's like to be a woman yeah i have a lot of women friends and i have a lot of women friends with a lot of stories of strange and creepy men

making life uncomfortable for them in public so i totally get get it. I know. On the flip side, then I see like another TikTok of a woman being like, guys, come and talk to us. We want to be approached and shit like that. And I guess, you know, if you don't have any rapport with someone, you know,

I think in 2023, at least what I say is, if you know what you want, then it's your responsibility to make the first move oh gosh okay you know that's fair and then once you build a rapport with someone yeah you know once they've met you maybe you hooked up maybe you didn't maybe you've been on a couple dates maybe you've texted a little bit then at that point if he wanted to he would for sure if he wanted to make

you a priority if he wanted to initiate things if he wanted to like take a next step, if he wanted to talk about his feelings, he absolutely would. And if he was excited about you, you would know. Right. So what are some foolproof signs that he's into? He's making plans. He's actively trying to see you. He's making an effort. Yeah. It's like, if you know, if a guy is excited about you, you're going to know. You're going to know. Right. Like I've always said, if you're confused, it's because he's not into you. Correct. Yeah. I think that's more reliable than if he wanted to, he would nowadays.

Because nowadays, I just think, especially in the very early stages, I, you know. I think guys have fives. I mean, who knows how many girls, but they'd want to keep a few girls just kind of around. Yeah. I mean, everyone, every guy likes a roster for roster that's the word i'm looking for yeah that's fair to say right yeah how many girls are in guys rosters at one given time depends on the guy i suppose what like give me like an average number i think it's i think that's just more of a product of like like dating apps are these days i know

you know i just joined and it's not just men, you know? It's just like... Yeah, I agree with you. Dating apps are just like a... They're just validation tools. It's like, how many people can I confirm like me? But don't you think that's like such an insecurity? Like, I really do feel like that's just an ego boost for people. If you need five, six people in the roster, it's like, what are you doing?

But that's what it is, right? It's an ego boost. And that's the thing. You have to self-police because the dating apps aren't going to make you self-police. Dating apps aren't like any other app. They just want you on their app.

I know. Were you on the dating apps? I did Raya for a minute because like, you know, it's like the only place you kind of feel safe, right? I know.

You know, they're blocking screenshots and things like that. But I met some great people, you know, but like it's i'd say nowadays like use dating apps you know with caution this is the first time i've ever been on one i literally got approved last night really yes all right it's a whole new world for

me i never thought in a million years i mean like somebody well i just said that because like somebody in your position i could guess that you would have a justifiably so like a lot of reluctance to like put yourself out there and it's kind of, it shows some vulnerability, you know? So I think, I think it's great. I don't know how it's going to go for you. I don't know yet either. I'll get back to you on that. You're bringing a lot of DJs, a lot of soccer players in Europe, I'm guessing. Yeah, there's so many, which is hilarious. I think my biggest thing is like, so I've been single for three and

a half years and I've gone through phases of going on a million dates. And for a while, I was like, I was getting dates through Instagram, through my DMs. And then I'm in a lull. I've been in a lull. And I live in fucking Franklin, Tennessee. I'm like out in the middle of nowhere. And I'm like, where am I going to meet a guy? The grocery store? Like, it's just not realistic. So I've been like, okay, I think I actually have to do this if I want to go on dates and meet people yeah i think it's great here here we are you just have to you just have to self-police a little bit yeah because it's like dating apps will are really good at making you feel giving you a false sense of confidence and then like a false sense of of defeat right you know because think about it anytime you go on an app and you get served up a potential match. And if let's say you swipe right on that person, if you don't get an immediate response,

you feel rejected. Okay. That's so funny. I matched whatever the fuck it's called with two people last night. And I'm like, okay, when are they going to DM me? Cause I'm sure as hell not. Okay. You, okay. You, you got to, you got to. You got to. There's no way. I feel like me, me hearting you was like my way of being like, hey, I'm interested. So make the move. Okay. Well, if they do make the move, don't make the mistake of just living in the app.

I hate, well, that's like Instagram DMing. I'm always like, when are you going to ask for my number? Because I'm over DMing you. Yeah. I'm not 25. People like live in there. It's just like, how long do you want to talk to a stranger via text? I think it's an age thing. I've noticed

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Well, speaking of texting, let's talk about texting in the beginning. Do you think that the cadence of texting is an indication for how much a guy likes you? No. Okay. I want to hear why, because I agree with you. Well, I think I always hear it a lot. Like they're not a good texter. In fact, and I was one of Nally's. Nally had a friend who met a guy and had a really great night. She was super excited about him. And then the next day she was over at the house and kind of like, it's like, he's not like texting, whatever.

I'm like, what? You just met him, you know? Like, yeah, I know where we live in a world where everyone has their phone on their side and every time your friend that you know doesn't call you back you're like i know you're on your phone you know but people have lives you know and like people go to work and people like aren't meant to necessarily i get it when we're excited about someone we want to do the thing where you're texting all day now what are you doing what are you thinking you want to play silly games like this or that it's's so fun. And it's fun. This or that.

But you don't want to like, you know, but like chill out a little bit. Yeah. You know, as soon as we get excited about someone, we want someone to match

that energy immediately. And just because we have the expectation of like, it'd be so fun to just like get to know, we want to get to know the people we're excited about. So we want to get to know

them as fast as possible. We want to do all this texting in between dates and like yeah i'll have people call in be like i've had two great dates but like there's just like no texting in between it's like so what focus on the two great dates and go from there i know and maybe in the future like mention that it would be nice to like have a little more communication in between dates. But like, yeah, I think we need to like slow our expectations when it comes to like what we should expect in terms of texting etiquette early on. Okay. I agree with you. I love that you're saying that. I think my experience has been the best texters. The ones who want to text all day, every day and have like a pulse on you have been the most toxic men that I've dated. Yeah. And so I've dated. Yeah.

And so I've had to like retrain myself to be like it doesn't if he's not texting me I'm like that's not an indication for how much he likes me. It means he has shit to do. Right. And don't we all want

people who have a life and have things going on. Yeah have a life and like yeah and you know and then a little maybe a text

hey how's your day going? Right. One of those would be nice but in between a date yeah you know I think just focus on the fact that you had two good dates and go from there yeah right and again if he's not then making a plan for the third date maybe that's kind of a sign yeah I mean I've never gone on a date where I was super excited and had a great date really that if I like because you know it's like they say about a job interview, you know if you're going to hire the person

in the first 10 minutes. And dates are the same way. Like, you kind of know if you're excited. And either that person is either confirm your already preconceived, your prior thoughts, or they're going to dismiss it. But if you, or they'll change your mind. But I've never gone on a date I was excited on

that I didn't say, when can I see you again? Oh, okay. Yeah. Yes. Agreed. Yes. If I was like, hey, we should get together. Yeah, we should. Yeah. Sometime. Yeah. We should do it sometime soon. I'm not that excited. Okay. So on the date, you're making the plan for the next date. Yeah. I'm making it very clear that I want to see you again. Happened to me one time. And the guy didn't kiss me, which was like, I was like,

that was the first time that ever happened where a guy didn't try to kiss me. And I was like, what the fuck? But I was like, he asked me to go out again so I know he's interested in me.

What was that about? He was just nervous? No, he was bored. He's bored? No. So that's why he didn't kiss me? No. Well, why did,

no, he's saying. He like picked me up and dropped me off. On the way home to dropping me off. Oh, not kissing you, probably oh not kissing you probably nerves okay that's what i'm saying like the story where like you go on a date yeah it seems nice they're like oh let's get together sometime like when sometimes yeah and then like a week later you get a like what's up right they're bored oh oh okay yeah okay that i agree with you're like you're an option you're you're part of the roster and they decided to like look you up and said oh yeah i did have a nice time oh my god you know

and shit like that yeah okay okay okay yeah no i i agree with you okay so in the beginning it's also like a little bit of that cat and mouse game so i again and i feel like now you're gonna hate me i like the guy to come to me the first few times, like initiate the first few times. I don't text first the first few times. But do you guys ever think like, oh, maybe she's just not that into me? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There is a little bit of that. And like, you know, you are a public figure.

You know, you like people might be intimidated by you. Now you might say, well, I don't want someone who could be intimidated by me. That's exactly what I say. I'm like, then you're not the one. That might be fair. But I and there's a lot of truth to that. There is. I do think we like dating culture right now is it's just hookup culture

with unlimited access to everyone. Yeah. There are a million different apps. We have a million different social media platforms. If you were determined, Kristen, to be talking to someone who lives in Paris, you could. You could go on Instagram and just slide into a couple guys' DMs, and I bet you could be talking to a lovely Frenchman and build a relationship literally in a week if you were determined to do that,

you have access to absolutely everyone. And right now when it comes to dating, as soon as we meet someone, and I think both genders are doing this when we're like, I had a really nice time. We're not like, we're not like, oh, well, I should probably like pursue this. We're thinking, well, are they better than literally everyone else in the world? Is this the best I can do? Because I can always go out and keep shopping. You know, I have unlimited access to everyone. So everyone has this paralysis of choice mentality. I kind of like compare it to like, you know, watching previews on Netflix.

We're just like spending hours watching previews, like trying to find the most perfect movie. Like I'm just press play. You can always end it. You can always break up, you know, but like we. But we act like we're now as a dating society, we're acting like defining a relationship is getting married. You can break up. Doesn't that get old though? Just going from one girl to the next and never having anything intimate, really? Yeah your how did your fiance stand out to you well in so many ways I mean obviously at first I when I first met her I thought she was beautiful and like just a really cool hang you know I was surprised by like how much I enjoyed her company

early on and then you know she quickly integrated with my friends and like they liked her and things like that and and then like as we kept hanging out I think it was just her general confidence okay and the fact that she was very clear about like we wouldn't be together if it weren't for her you know and I'm a very confident guy no one's ever accused me of having a small personality no one's ever told me like you know like you know they wish I would be a little bit more direct like no one's ever told me like, you know, like, you know, they wish I would be a little bit more direct. No one's ever told me that. But when it came to our relationship, there, I had some insecurities about, you know, our potential and, you know, Like what? Like you just didn't know?

Well, we were long distance and things like that. And just, I was worried that we might be in different places of our lives, but she was like, I think we should date. Here's why. This is how I feel about you. Take it or leave it. I didn't come around at first. She peaced out. Oh, wow. And I was like, please come back, you know.

Why didn't you come around? You just thought you were in different places. Yeah, I just, you know, I was, you know, at that point, too, I was also single for a pretty long time, you know. And I think when you can get, when you're single for a long time, you can get set in your ways you also i think can get confused about like why should i say yes to this you know i was just guilty again i learned from my own mistakes i was guilty as everyone as anyone of just like watching those previews you

know and not pressing play and not trying on a relationship finding a million reasons why it wasn't going to work out and things like that because I went from the young 21 year old who was just like I have feelings we should we should date you know like I'm super excited and just like jump into something yeah and then after you know I had some relationships and got fucked up a little bit through them it was more like well I know what I want I know what i don't like so but then it was the flip side it was more like hey you're fine you're nice but like i don't know you know yeah it was it was like i needed a i was you know looking for that spark as we all say and i wasn't like prioritizing compatibility as much as i was chemistry which we all make the mistake of doing both i'm not going to settle until i have both. Yeah, no, I think it is both.

I'm just saying, I think we, as a dating society, We're just looking for spark. Yeah, we're only prioritizing chemistry. Okay, yeah. You know, and we're not really, and I always say like compatibility is not sexy. Yeah. Like chemistry is sexy.

Yeah, exactly. It's just fun to talk about your feelings. And compatibility is like, it's almost like, we almost like a resistant compatibility because we just want love to conquer all we want love to be enough we we want to like have nothing in common and still love the person because it means more and shit like that but like i always say like natalie like you know she's like the first woman i've been with where we have so

many little things in common that I took for granted. Liking the same foods, liking the same shows, like doing the same things, like these little things so that every day isn't like a struggle. We're not debating every day where we should eat. And I've been in relationships like that. You're just like, oh my God. Where do you want to go? I don't know. And we still do stuff like that. But for the most part, we like the same things. You know, one time I'm a big meat eater. One time I dated a vegetarian. Can't do it.

It's like, doesn't work. It's hard. It just makes it more difficult. I went out with someone that was sober and vegan when I was like 21. I was like, this isn't going to work. Yeah. So it's hard. But like, you know, we love, love to be enough.

And TV shows and movies like literally tell us that. Like The Notebook, Sex and the City, all these shows are literally telling you to be enough and TV shows and movies like literally tell us that like, like the notebook sex in the city, all these shows are literally telling you that if it's a little toxic and it's a little hard, you should chase that because if you can make it work, then it'll all, it all works itself out. That's what the notebook tells you. It tells you it doesn't matter how good, how bad it is. It doesn't matter who gets hurt along the way, but if you figure it out, it's all worth it. And that's definitely not the case. No, it's not the case at all.

Well, okay. So your fiance really kind of set the boundaries with you. So how would you recommend a girl having the conversation of like, what are we? Or. Number one, you never ask. I was just going to say, let the guy. Because if the guy's not saying. No, no, no.

Oh, don't ask. Don't ask. It's not a question. So you know what you want. So I want to be in a relationship with you. Do you want to be with me? Correct. Yeah. I think we should date. I like you. Here's why. Which is what your fiance did. Yeah. I no longer want this. I want more. This is what I want out of a relationship. These are my expectations. Okay. But then you have to be willing to walk away if you're not going to get it. That's the thing. That's the thing. That's the key.

No, I don't want to be in a relationship. Okay, fine. Defining a relationship is setting a boundary with yourself and communicating to the person you're in a situationship with or someone you've been dating or having sex with. And you can't negotiate the boundary you're just trying to set. Yes. It's essentially what you're doing when you're like, oh, just kidding. We can keep hanging out, you know, like, and any, if you're in a situation ship you got to get out because they're going nowhere fast and the only way to get a guy to change his mind or or a woman i think yeah honestly it doesn't really matter the gender is to be willing to walk away yeah that's the only way miss you yeah because what people usually do is they try to prove

that people always say like we always do boyfriend girlfriend things you know it doesn't matter doesn't matter like no you're doing friend things everyone every person has introduced their friend or their parents every person has taken trips with their friends yeah you know people even some friends like have slept in the same bed together you know what i'm saying like yeah so just because you're some friends go to movies with each other friends go to dinner with each other'm saying? Like, so just because you're some friends go to movies with each other, friends go to dinner with each other, you know, things like that. So just because you're doing that doesn't mean that like you're proving to them how great of a partner you are. And that's what people, it's like, I'll just show them. I'll show them how good we are together.

You're not showing them how good you are together. What you're showing is all the things you're willing to do without getting what you want. You know, you're just like, so why should they? Right. I'm getting the sex. I'm getting the company. I'm getting the time I need. You don't hold me accountable. You have no expectations of me. I can come and go as I please. Why should I give that up? Oh, no shit. God. No one would give that up. No, no. Unless you walk away and then they miss you. I always, in a situation ship, there's one, there's two people. There's the hopeful person, the person hoping to make a relationship and the person trying to make sure it's not. So if you're the hopeful person, you got to stop hoping and just be willing to walk away. Yeah.

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in them all day at my house. Talk about day to night. Get affordable luxury with Quince. Go to quince.com slash honest for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Yeah, you heard that right. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash honest to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash honest. How can you tell if you're being played, if you're one of a few? Like what are some some signs? What do you mean by played? Well, or just like. You, if you're one of a few? Like, what are some signs for us? What do you mean by played? Well, or just like, you're one of a few. So, like, okay, an example I think is…

Like if you're one of a few of a roster? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what are some ways we can tell? Oh, inconsistency? Yeah. They're inconsistent. Okay, hot and cold. Hot and cold, sporadic.

If they don't remember details, right? That's a huge red flag. But even like just the randomness of them. Okay, yeah. Yeah, the whole like, oh, just seeing what's up, the checking in, you know? Checking in. If some guy you've gone on a date with or hooked up with is like inconsistent and randomly reaches out to you, the only reason

they reached out is because they were bored it's just like i've been in a few of these in the last few years i'm like god damn it i thought i had more you've done it too like we've all i know i know we all give in to boredom and part of it is just like well you know it's because it's like it's in it and it's a part of that whole thing of like they you know some people don't even know if they had a nice time because they're just we've been programmed to always look for the bigger and better thing. Yeah, yeah. And so part of it is like, you know, dating apps and society and things like that. And so, yeah, but it's like, oh, well, I guess I had a nice time.

I guess I'll hit them up. Right. You know, it's like, who's available and things like that, you know. And then you throw like someone who's in the public eye in the mix who just has a million women throwing themselves at them. Yeah. Like, good luck. It's hard. It's hard to stand up.

But the biggest way to set yourself apart is to, especially if it's someone in the public eye, don't treat them like they're in the public eye. Don't tiptoe around them. Act like they're equal. Yeah. Yeah. And be very confident in what you want and set your boundaries with yourself because you don't set boundaries with other people. You set them with yourself and you communicate that with other people and enforce them at like respecting your boundaries.

Yeah. And you have to be willing to walk away. That's my favorite thing that you've said today. Okay. Tell me about guys' biggest turnoffs in general general just like things that all guys are like that's harder for me to answer because i just don't feel like like insecurity probably would be sure but like people are all yeah i mean people don't like insecurities right and i could that's like i don't know i don't like bad hygiene you know that comes to mind but like no one likes bad hygiene no but there's like nothing like other than like shit like that i guess that's what i'm saying it's just like i honestly think and i say that as again a guy who talks a lot about relationships and hosts a podcast has a lot of women listeners like i didn't like sit there and

pull a bunch of women so i can be like now i'm going to create a show like i just i'm just telling about my lived experience as a man who has a lot of the same insecurities and fears and turn on and turns off as women. Because I think people are more similar than different when it comes to dating. Yeah, I agree. A lot of men and women can be very different. I'm not saying, but like no one likes neediness. No one likes being nagged. No one likes possessiveness. No one likes insecurity, you know, and things like that. those are good ones right yeah but i don't think women like those things either no not at all so i tend to say like it's not it's not that complicated you know if you're a straight woman who only dates men you don't necessarily need a guy's

advice to figure like you just need to listen to yourself what would you do if you liked them right how would you act right nine times out of ten that's your answer okay do you want to know what a huge turnoff is for me and i'm assuming pretty much everybody is if a guy will text me okay and i don't respond and he just like keeps texting me and keeps texting me and keeps texting me and i'm like what the fuck if someone doesn't respond to me i'm never texting you ever again ever again i in this, I think you get one follow-up. Really? One.

If it's risky. I would never. But that's the most. That's, that is the most. And you can like. Do not keep texting after that. You can't, you, you can't, you have to be lighthearted. Yes.

Okay. Like make a joke of it, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's playful. It's goofy. You can't come across as serious like no you can't come across like they fucked up yeah okay and you only get one more that's a third one

is just fucking weird yeah like they don't know they either don't like you or they just forgot you existed they yeah they want nothing to do with you okay well you mentioned insecurities when it comes to dating what are guys' insecurities? Not being liked. Yeah. Okay. Which is the same as women. Yeah.

Rejection. Yeah. You know, feeling stupid. Well, okay. You mean like in a sense of like you'll send a text and be like, shit, I should have said this. Like that kind of stuff? Or?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I've done that. Overthinking. You know. Overthinking. Yeah.

What you should do I mean nowadays I do think like you know past couple years like the term ics really taken off yeah you know I've seen a couple like funny like Instagram accounts where it's just like I think my favorite one is like what men shouldn't do I need to follow it's this kind of sarcastic

thing where it'll be a tick tock of a girl like talking about an ick and she's being playful and funny and it'll be a tiktok of a girl like talking about an ick and she's being playful and funny and it will be like the i don't know what they call it i'll like mesh it together there is a word for it yeah yeah yeah and so like a girl will be describing like a time she saw a guy ride a bike and then hit a bump and like lift it a little bit and then the account's like all right can't ride bikes you know it's like all the right, can't ride bikes. You know, it's like all the shit men can't do.

But I bring that up just because I do think while funny, I think it's almost kind of gone too far, you know, because all ics are

are just assumptions about people. Yeah. Essentially. And they're pet peeves. They're not non-negotiables. That's true. That's fair.

You know, and you're not gonna, everyone has pet peeves. They're not non-negotiables. That's true. That's fair. You know, and you're not going to, everyone has pet peeves. They're not universal. Yeah. And so I do think from the climate that we have, I think it's gotten into some men's heads and I think they've gotten insecure. That makes me sad. I think there's a lot of guys just trying not to fuck up, you know, and I do think that

is going on these days. Because I look at the ick stuff as more just like, it's funny. Like, it's not really serious. I think for the most part people meant it that way. But now it's being taken. But I do think at least the internet gives the perception that it's more than that. That makes me sad. The guys are taking that stuff to heart.

I think a little bit. All right. Let's talk about cheating. Okay. Yeah. What percentage of men do you think cheat? Honestly. Probably a lot.

I mean. Like 90%? I don't know. I haven't pulled a lot of men do you think cheat? Honestly. Probably a lot. I mean. Like 90%? I don't know. I haven't polled a lot of men. I also don't think it's, I think it's, I don't think there's a much, my guess is there's not a big difference between men and women. And that's fair. I actually think sometimes women are worse.

I think just for the purposes of this conversation, we're just talking about men. I think men and women cheat for different reasons. I agree. For the most part. Yep. Which is what? Why do men cheat? Well, I think some guys, I think are just like lack of character and horniness, you

know, when they're younger. Okay. You know. I think that can go into your 30s, 40s. Probably. Ego boost. Ego boost and things like that. You know, having an unhealthy relationship with sex.

Bored at home after you've been married for a while. Sure, yeah. I think a lot of guys are not given an opportunity to cheat. But I swear if every man had an opportunity, I think like 85% of men would cheat. I really do. Okay. Fair?

I mean, I wouldn't. I haven't.'t I have it and I have like a pretty hard stance on this which is great you're rare because and any guy I know who does like I have friends around this people

you're a terrible human being that's good we need more guys like you to say that I've had more married men hit on me in the last three and a half years like I'm like shocked by it it's insane which has made me be like,

no guys are faithful. I think some are, but I think, I think a lot are, but I also think the bad ones are, they're not just hitting on one person. A hundred percent. You know what I'm saying?

A hundred percent. I don't think I'm special by the way. I didn't mean it like that. It's me, they love me. But yeah, I just think they're out there and like the married men who are just think they're out there and like the married men

who are flirting they're they're they're non-stop they're they're not good guys so I think there's a little bit of like it gives a perception

that it's worse than it is but yeah there's a lot of fucking shitty people out there yeah yeah and it is people I think we have a fairly low character society nowadays

and I think we have a society that's going through this main character syndrome. Yeah. You know, when something bad happens to us, we have been served with all these reasons and buzzwords to like justify why it's not our fault. Yeah, it's so true. In some cases, that might be true.

You know, we've become more educated on like childhood traumas and things like that. And that's great to identify and look into and heal and do all those things. But then when it's someone else's fault, you know, we're told that they're, you know, anytime someone's selfish, now they're the narcissist or like, you know, anytime someone manipulates us, they're a gaslighter and things like that. And I just think, yeah, it's good to know that you're the main character in your story, but like also recognize that everyone else is their main character too. So like, you know, you might be their villain, you know, and things like that, you know, we're, we're the villains in so many people's stories, you know, I know I am.

And I, you know, and I just think, yeah, I think so. I think we need to get back to kind of putting ourselves in other people's shoes a little bit better and empathy yeah having some empathy what a concept you don't have to agree with them you can understand someone better well and still disagree with them yeah i get why you did that yeah but yeah well i also think for men like men can have sex with a girl and literally never think of her ever again. Yeah. Whereas women. Harder to do. Yeah. Like I have to have some sort of emotional connection to you to sleep with you.

So I also just think like that's a huge difference too. Totally. Yeah. I mean, I'm a big believer. And again, I've participated in hookup culture. So I'm not saying like I'm some sort of saint. And like, listen, and also being sex positive isn't like. Sex positive? What does that mean?

Well, I honestly don't know, but you hear the term all the time. I've never heard it. It's generally having a healthy outlook on sex. As someone who grew up in a Catholic family, shame around sex is pretty prevalent. And our society generally has shamed sex and things like that. So my understanding, it's like a more liberating perception. But I think as a culture, we have taken that and then taken it one step further and acted like the sex doesn't have consequences.

Right. You know, and those consequences might be something as simple as like, it's just fucking you up emotionally and feeling attached to someone you actually barely fucking know. Yes. Because like where men and women tend to be different is like how our bodies react to sex and generally speaking women have like this bonding i don't know the technology no i know it's like oxy whatever yeah there's a chemical that we it's a chemical thing that most women do some men might feel that but like generally men can detach you know and so it's just recognizing that and

also recognizing that like you can't get to know someone in two weeks no or three weeks or four weeks and if you want to hook and that's the thing it's like so if you get to know someone in two weeks or three weeks or four weeks. And if you want to hook, and that's the thing, it's like, so if you want to like the, the, I'm going to make them wait three weeks. You're wasting your time. Wait, really? Yeah. Hold on a second. Okay. So any guy will wait three weeks to have sex with someone or like, well, I don't do like weeks. I do dates. Like I'm not sleeping in with you for sure. The first two dates, but I might even make you wait till the fourth. Oh, so I have to wait four dates to have sex? Yeah, but you mean.

No problem. That means nothing? Nothing. Literally nothing. That doesn't change anything. So if I sleep with you on the first date. It costs him a little bit more money. Yeah. You know, for the dates, for the dinner dates, you know.

Wow. I guess. Okay. But if you sleep with someone on the first date, you're not like, meh, like I already got what I wanted. I can't speak for all men. Yeah. But it 2023 and if like i'm not thinking differently of her like how dare you have sex with me on the first date you know like they want to like chase it and like i think the beginning sure but if you make yeah but like what's four dates you know i always like and i use this analogy i use it in my, but like sex is like a movie for men.

And if you have sex with a guy without an emotional connection, whether it's the first date or four dates or whatever, he is going to interpret that sexual experience the same way he would a movie. And when we go and watch a movie or people watch a movie, you usually have one of three experiences. The one and most common experience is. It's a movie. It's nice. Oh my God. I don't know if I need to see it again,

but like I was entertained. Holy shit. And then we see a movie where sometimes we have to walk out of, but I want nothing to do with that. Oh my God. And then there's the rewatchables, you know, that movie like Shawshank Redemption.

It's like every time it's on TNT, you're like, fuck yeah, I want more of that, you know? And so all I'm saying is if you have sex with a stranger, which is essentially, I don't care if four dates, that person's a stranger. You know nothing about them. Fair.

You know? Although maybe, you know, a little bit more after four dates. Sure, you have a little bit of rapport, but all it is is just really them just, they're selling a product to you to make you think and they're giving you a false sense of confidence. But what I'm saying is like like you don't really know them you don't know anyone for like six months yeah and so so it doesn't fucking it doesn't matter and so if a guy has sex with you and he barely knows you he is solely judging you off the sex because well that's so you better be really good if you're gonna give it away he has to love having sex with

you and the only way he's coming back for more is because he loved the sex but most of the time when we have sex with strangers and it has nothing to do with your sexual you know how good you are or whatever because most time we have sex with strangers it's awkward and weird and it's like never your best and so like you just kind of have to get it's luck it's luck to like hook up with someone who's a stranger and have it be so good and comfortable that those people want to, yeah, that's where that chemistry comes in. Right. And so you might meet someone who's also just naturally charismatic.

You have two things in common. Like you went to the same church back in the day or whatever the fuck. And you're like, oh, me too. And you know, it's just like, I love this guy. Yeah, they're so great. And then you have sex and then you're bonded to him. He's just like i love this guy uh yeah they're so great and then you have sex and then you're bonded to him he's just like yeah it's fine and whatever and so i feel like i'm pretty spot on like i've had good game over the years i was known as like the heartbreaker back in the day this is one thing though that i'm actually kind of surprised by like

i really thought like okay if i don't sleep with him the first few days like i'm doing a good job no you're getting you're getting a couple free meals. Which is not the worst thing I've ever done. Yeah, no, it's fine. And again, I'm not telling you what to do or not to do or anyone listening. I'm just saying being realistic with your expectations. And don't lie to yourself that you're doing anything productive by making a guy wait four dates or six weeks. Damn.

If you're going to participate in hookup culture, I always say like have sex with that person because you want to have sex. Right. Because you want to get laid. Right, right. You want to, you want to. Do it because you want to do it.

You want to do it. Yeah. And you're having sex with them because guys will, guys do not fall in love via sex. They fall in love thinking about you, missing you, you know, wondering what you're doing. Yeah. So like if you're sleeping with a guy to get him to like you, you are making poor decisions.

Okay. A guy's never fallen in love with a woman just because he had sex with her. He's wanted to have sex with her again, and in the meantime, gotten to know her, and then fallen in love with her maybe, but it wasn't the sex. Interesting. God. Okay. Changes my whole game.

All right. I'm going to give you some rapid fire questions, either like yes or no, or just first thoughts that come to your mind. Okay. We've already answered a few of these. Okay. Guys notice our little insecurities. Like if we get a zit or we gained a little bit of weight. No. You really don't know. I'll know when you tell me.

So I got a zit on my face. I gained some weight. Okay. But before that, you're not noticing. What do you mean? Like a zit for sure. I like popping pimples so like if nanny gets a pimple on her back i'm like yeah but no i i strongly feel that come on or like do men pay attention to anything no so why do you think they're noticing the little fucking imperfection that certainly you notice because you look at yourself in the mirror every day they don't they don't care okay They don't. They don't care.

Okay. They don't care about like five pounds, whatever. What's five pounds? I don't know. I'm really petite, so that's a lot on me. But I don't think

a guy's going to notice. Okay. Not someone worth your time. Trust me. I like that. If a guy is noticing that little shit. That's sweet.

Yeah, I agree. Fuck that guy. No, truly, because he has to be paying attention to that shit. He's shallow as fuck. He is nitpicking you he is analyzing you yeah like if a guy is noticing those little things he is and he is superficially

judging you for all the wrong reasons okay i like that that's great okay guys get weirded out when we queef no do you guys know what it is when it happens? Or are you like, did you just fart? It's just like unnecessary air from a lot of sex. That's from you guys. Yeah. It's like us pumping in air. Yes. Okay. So that's all cool.

Because I do think it's like kind of embarrassing. It's not that. Yeah. You guys are cool? I understand why it might be. But again, like if. You just laugh and you're like. If you have a guy.

If you queef and a guy makes you feel uncomfortable for it, never see him again. Exactly. He's just immature. Right. Okay. Yeah. I mean, listen, if you're like 20 years old, then maybe you guys have some like growing up to do together. I remember the first time it happened to me, I was probably like 18 or 19.

I remember being like devastated. Sure. Yeah. That's probably a weird moment then for everyone because no one knows what the fuck's going on. But if you're in your mid-20s and beyond and a guy is making you

feel bad about it, he's just a dick. Grow up. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Guys and girls can't just be friends.

Yeah. And for the purposes of why you're asking, I would say, yes. No one wants to be friends, especially your ex. I'm really friendly

with a lot of my exes, but we're not grabbing lunch. Yeah, exactly. Friendly, fine. Yeah, okay. But you don't get points for being the best ex. No one cares. I agree. And the only people who want to stay friends with exes are people who aren't totally ready to let their ex go.

You think? 100%. Yeah. Interesting. Why doesn't this be friends? because people like to hedge their bets i think they're like after i think as long as there's been some time like since the breakup yeah if you like i've had in two instances in my life i met and briefly dated women we were intimate and then it just you know fizzled out and and we reconnected six to twelve months later yeah and in both those situations we truly became platonic good friends

yes that can happen it can happen right but like also something to keep in mind too this happened in a period of my life where i was relatively new to LA. So I was like very much in the season of like being open to making friends. Cause I didn't have a ton of people that I really like, like hang out with. And even though we were just friends and we were platonic friends, they still like served a girlfriend role. Right. Like when we would go out to dinner again, very platonic, she would talk about men she was dating and hooking up with and vice versa, but we still played that role. And then when I got girlfriends, not because like anything was weird going on, but like, I just didn't have time for that type of friend. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, it's different, you know? And so yeah, there's exceptions to every rule, but I think

generally speaking, like stop trying to be friends with people that you would otherwise want to have sex with. Well, okay. But like all of my exes, that you would otherwise want to have sex with well okay but like all of my exes i actually don't want to have sex with literally any of them sure once i'm done i'm done yeah but like you said you're not like calling them up i mean like you're just friendly with them like you can run into them at a bar and like be chill yeah okay but that's not being friends you're right okay okay give the ladies your best sex tip god Not being friends. You're right. Okay. Okay. Give the ladies your best sex tip. God. For the ladies?

Yeah, like what do us girls need to know? I don't know if I need a headline of Nick explained to women how to have sex. What's the best sex tip? Do you hate me? I'm going to try to give you like a good answer that can't be used against me i don't make them feel good about themselves okay like talking dirty or just being like okay you know what i'll i'll give you one okay in the spirit of talking dirty less is more okay yeah don't overdo it yeah because then it seems insincere yeah you're not acting right you know we don't that's hilarious i don't need to know that you watch porn right because that's

what it is you know like oh baby oh baby it's like weird i i was i've said this on a show before so in my uh single days i remember i was dating a girl and we hooked up. We started having sex and immediately it was like, I'm coming. I'm coming. I was like, no, you're not. Like, that's not. Immediately. It was like, what is, huh? Like, what do you do?

You're like, shut up. Because then that's like a boner killer, isn't it? Yeah. So it's like less is more. Like, just. Okay, yeah. That's. Be genuine.

If you're going to dirty talk, like either, you know, say something you think it feels good to you, something that turns you on. And if you're turned on, it'll make him feel turned on. Guys, I think generally get turned on when they think their partners are enjoying it. Also don't fake it either because you're helping no one. Yeah, I agree. And I think women need to get better about like just speaking up for what they want in the bedroom.

100%. Like how come we can get naked with strangers, but we can't tell them what we are looking for when we're getting naked. It makes no sense. And so again, if you're going to participate in hookup culture, have that maybe awkward conversation about what you like, what you dislike, what your expectations are. Don't just wing it. Well, I don't think it needs to be like a conversation beforehand. It's more like in the moment, like, hey, I like this or like, let me get on top or like whatever it is. What do you like? Hey, do this. Grab his hand. Guide him. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Those are good tips. And also you should be open to a guy who's open to receiving feedback it's like another opportunity to weed out the bad ones like if you are like yeah if you're guiding them and any guy worth your time is going to just say is going to be thrilled that you're doing that exactly and any one guy who's like what just bye bye literally bye okay last thing i'm going to do with you is what i like to do with

some of my guests is read a headline. And I want you to clear it up. Say what was really going on because I fucking hate headlines. And they're never what was actually meant to be said. Okay. I actually have two with you. I couldn't, I don't, can I do two? Sure.

Okay. Nick Vile reveals he had a fun makeout session with a guy and Tung was involved. I remember that. What happened? I was filming a TV show. Oh, what show? What was it called? Like an acting show?

Yeah, it was acting. Oh, see. Okay. Who was the guy? His name is Oliver. No. You played a gay guy? No, I played a guy who was just open to having sex with anything oh that's funny

yeah it was a comedy so you were making out yeah how was it benign yeah yeah love that okay the other one is Rachel that was a headline that was I was being recorded without my knowledge what do you mean oh what how does that happen well i was doing the call i had to call her daddy i'd call her daddy on my podcast alex and her former co-star okay yeah and before we recorded i took him the coffee and they were blogging blogging no and like my dumb ass was like they're like what'd you do today i'm like well i made out with a you know i was being anecdotal about the story yeah and then like two days later they didn't say that we're recording you right now. They were like standing there.

It was partly my dumb ass. I should have known better, but like, yeah, but also like, I don't give a shit, you know, whatever.

I know. It's like, what are you gonna do? Okay. Rachel Bilson, who I love and Nick Vile admit they faked their romance, romantic relationship. I mean,

that's true. What happened? I don't know the story. She was on my show. Okay. Then we became friends. Yep. And we were talking about maybe developing a show together that ended up not happening.

But in the meantime, we were just like flirting online in the comments because people loved it. You know? And it was just like stupid and fun. So everyone thought you guys were dating? Yeah. Or just thought that something might be going on. Okay, yeah. And that was about it.

And then like two years later, she came back on my show and we talked about it. I love that. I love her too. She's great. You're amazing. Thank you so much

for being so honest and open. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. I'm so used to saying thanks for being here. You're welcome. I'm used to the one interviewing. You'll have to come on my show

sometime. I know, I will. I will for sure. Yeah. All right. Amazing.