Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - There's No Such Thing as a Sexual Prime

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

I sit down with teacher, practitioner, speaker, and leading voice in the sexual wellness movement Kiana Reeves to talk about expressing sexuality while being a mom, how to get out of your head and drop into your body while having sex, asking for what we need in the bedroom, the different types of orgasms women have and how to achieve them, how to break out of routine and keep the spark alive in a long term long relationship, what contributes to low-libido, and using mirror work to give ourselves the body confidence we need to achieve what we want in the bedroom.A word from our sponsors:Nutrafol: This Mother's Day share the gift of growth with a special woman in your life. Whether its your mother, aunt, or friend, Nutrafol is a unique and thoughtful gift with lasting impact. for a limited time, Nutrafol is offering listeners ten dollars off your first month's subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code HONEST.Hero Bread: Don't give up being a breadhead. Go to hero.co and use code HONEST to get 10% off your order at checkoutBon Charge: Go to boncharge.com and use code HONEST at checkout to save 15%Lulu's: Visit lulus.com and use code HONEST at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. New customers only. Terms apply.Urban Stems: Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday, May 12th. You can visit UrbanStems.com/honest to see some of our top picks! Just be sure to order in time by using code HONEST for 15% off your purchase.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Welcome in to Let's Be Honest. I'm your host, Kristen Cavallari, and today's conversation is one I am so excited about. I have Kiana Reeves, and no, it's not the actor, which I'm sure you get that all the time, and it's probably so annoying. Kiana is a teacher, a practitioner, speaker, and leading voice in the sexual wellness movement. For over a decade, Kiana has been

studying sex, embodiment, intimacy, pleasure, birth, and wellness. Her work in this field ultimately led her to join Fioria as chief content officer, where she's helped grow and shape the brand over the last five years. Her approach is holistic and includes the emotional, biological, social, and spiritual nature of sex and intimacy. She's a certified somatic sex educator and sexological body worker, embodiment and intimacy coach, certified full spectrum doula, and she's a mother.

Hi. So many hats. Longest bio ever. Literally. All really fun, great stuff. So I discovered you because you went on one of my best friends podcasts. And I'm not going to lie. It was my favorite podcast I've ever listened to. It was like an hour long. I felt like it was over in two minutes. And I just think this conversation is so great for women to be having hearing. And I just think there's a lot of takeaway. So I'm really excited to just jump into all sexual. Same. Same. Let's go as deep as possible. Okay. So let's start with you. Yeah. When did your interest in sex start and how did you get where you are today? It probably started very early, but my first real experience of being like, oh, this is a path I

want to take was after I became a mom. Oh, okay. And I was a single mom and I was like aching to date. And the way the world was relating with me because I was a mother was so different than when I was like a young single non-mothering person and it shocked me a little bit and we have this schism in our societal relationship around sexuality that young women who are not mothers are seen as these, you know, desire, like we can desire them. We can lust after them. We can totally sexualize them. And then you become a mother and like the way you exist in the world has to change. So if you're suddenly sexy or if you're wanting to date, like there's just all of this sub perceptual stuff, subtext that we live in that

wasn't being addressed. So that was my entry point. And then it's been over a decade of just like deep immersion into all of the different lineages that I've studied in. Some have been anatomical and biology. Some have been hands-on somatic work. And then some are like lineages of tantra and sexual polarity. And so it's my jam. I love it. I love it so much. And so I want to talk since you brought that up. What do you say to women who are new moms? Because that is something that people struggle with is how to feel sexy after you have kids. And like you said, I mean, I know personally, I've gotten a lot of shit over the years. If I post

a somewhat sexy photo, people are like, oh, my God, what will your kids think? You're a mother. You're a mother. What do you say to all of that? Oh, I say it's bullshit. I agree. You know, you really like have to tear that down and be willing to stand in the fire. Like we're we are in a kind of transformative period around how women are able to express their sexuality. But it's not fully baked yet. Right. We're not actually able to be in that all of your energy, like all of the energy you have in the day to feeding and caring for and tending and all of your sleep, all of it is being externalized, especially if you have a partner and a house and a career and a baby. And our eroticism is an internal space, first and foremost. We are not able to access it when all of our energy is continually externalized.

And so that's one of the reasons it's really hard. And then you have the biology around it. Prolactin, if you're nursing, really diminishes the production of your sex hormones that give you that kind of like spontaneous desire, arousal. All of that kind of gets muted while you're breastfeeding. Oh, I didn't know that. Makes sense from a biological standpoint because your body's like, well, I already have one. So do I want to make another one right now? No, not really.

Absolutely not. Yeah, exactly. We're good. And then you have the relational dynamic on top of it, which nobody talks about in relationship to women's libidos. And it makes me infuriated because, you know, pharmaceutical industry forever has been trying to make a pill or something like Viagra that would, I'm doing this in air quotes, like help women with low libidos go back to normal sexual function. And the truth is, is that our

emotions deeply impact our sex drive in such a huge way. And so when we have old resentment or we have a new dynamic in parenthood where, you know, we're not able to connect as much as we used to, or maybe there's little tiffs happening and we're not addressing them, our bodies are not going to be able to open in the way that they would if there was nothing in the way. And so for new moms, you have to tend to all of those places. And that can be really hard. It's a lot. It's a lot. It is a lot. Let's back up a little bit and talk about libido. Yeah. So how if you do have low libido and and I think it's different when you are a new mom just to in general terms, if your libido is low. Because I mean, I've got

friends who just quite honestly don't want to have sex and they're okay with that. And I think if you don't want to and everyone's happy, great. But if you have low libido, but you do want to be more sexual, what can you do about something like that? Yeah. So libido is this kind of catch-all phrase for feeling desire to have sex. And the way we've been taught about desire is always through the lens of spontaneous desire, which is the idea that it arises in the mind first. We get a feeling or an idea that we want to have sex. And in reality, there's a very different pathway to desire that we weren't taught about, which is called responsive desire. And this is where I get really excited because it's majority of women will have some version of spontaneous and responsive desire with the primary one being responsive desire. And this is body first desire. So your partner starts to touch you in a particular way that you like and suddenly your body's like, oh, maybe that's maybe that is a good idea, you know, but your mind's catching up later.

So if you learn how to use your body, right, if you learn how to like actually activate desire in your system by yourself, then it's something that's always available to you. You can. And that is that is akin to yoga. That is akin to having a practice, a pleasure practice. It doesn't necessarily need to be like solo sex or masturbation. But it can be an erotic space you cultivate for yourself where you start to familiarize yourself with this idea that, oh, like I can rub my body a certain way even when I'm in the shower alone. And suddenly I'm there. I'm in the space where I'm like, oh yeah, I really do like this.

And so that's the starting point is like, you got to go internal, figure out what's in the way, and then cultivate a relationship with your eroticism that doesn't always involve someone else being the point of desire or origination. Right. Because I do feel like a lot of people are sort of lost when it comes to this stuff. They're so out of touch with their own bodies. They don't know. And so you're saying, OK, a starting point is get in the shower and just start feeling your body and seeing what you like. Yeah, I do think I mean, so in the last four, I got a divorce four years ago and I've sort of like started myself love journey. And it's been a game changer for me because I know my body better than I ever have. And I also feel like age might be part of that too, which I want to talk to you about as well. But I think that your sexual wellness

as an individual can definitely evolve and grow and probably should throughout your entire life. Do you think that is because, you know, someone has been, let's just for lack of better words, masturbating more or, and, or is it an age thing as well? Like talk to me about women's sexual peak. Is it in their thirties, their forties? Like how does it differ from age, ages 20 to 30 and 40? Yeah. So there's, there's this idea that we like peak at some point. And I kind of want to, that was big a few years ago when it was like women sexually peak in their late thirties and forties, which is awesome because it moves it from the twenties, which is where most women are, you know, hyper-sexualized. But if we take that idea out and we go,

actually there is no sexual peak. There's just this ever growing field of your eroticism that changes and fluctuates with your hormones, with your relationship to yourself. And if you tend to it and cultivate it in the same way you would, I'm going to say this like 10,000 times because it helps people relate to it in the same way you would like a workout practice or a yoga practice where you're just dedicated to going into that space regularly, then the relationship you have with that and yourself, you will continue to deepen and deepen and deepen. And you'll be able to reach states with yourself and with partners that you literally like you

didn't even know were possible a year ago. And we do like the things that we want will change with time regardless of hormones. So you can think like the things that we want will change with time regardless of hormones. So you can think like the things you wanted two years ago are probably different than the things you're craving now. Right. And our sexuality is this dynamic field like it's always emerging based on what's happening in our lives. And if you use fantasy as a place to kind of explore, oh, like what's what's going on for me? Like what am I craving? What am I wanting? Think of fantasy as like a metaphor, right? They're not always the things we actually need to have happen. But say you have a fantasy where there's power dynamics

and you basically, you know, are having someone overpower you, which is very common for women. Yeah. And that's something that like feels really good for you. It probably means there are places in your life where you're craving to be able to let go of control. Oh. And like to just to release into like someone else holding something for you. Wow. And so this is like when you start to explore this erotic territory and you see like how connected it is to all parts of our life and how nourishing it can be, it becomes really exciting and really inspiring. Yeah, I agree. Oh, wow. That's amazing. This one's for all my bread lovers. I honestly could live on carbs. I would eat carbs breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but you know, I don't because it's one thing I try to be

mindful of. The carb fear can be very real, but of course, carb-heavy foods are often the ones we love most. Well, Hero Bread makes those same delicious favorites free of consequences or compromises. They've remade carby, empty-calorie bread products into fluffy, delicious versions that include no net carbs, zero grams sugar, and fewer calories, plus protein and fiber. Hello. We love to hear it. I have a bunch of their products. We've been using a few different types of their breads. They also have tortillas that we've been loving. You guys, my kids have gone crazy for this bread. I've been making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cutting them out in heart shapes. I've also with the bread, because it is so light and fluffy, you can roll it out

with a rolling pin, put peanut butter and jelly on it, and then you can roll them up and put them in their lunches just like that. I also love with my kids, just again, having peace of mind that they're getting enough fiber, they're cutting down on sugar. You know, I love that there's protein in the bread, but because it's so fluffy, tastes great, is really good. No one feels like we're compromising at all. You guys, they have zero to one grams of net carbs, zero sugar and high in fiber. So guys, don't give up being a breadhead. Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code honest at checkout.

That's honest at h-e-r-o dot c-o. All right, let's talk about Boncharge. Boncharge is a holistic wellness brand with a huge range of evidence-based products to optimize your life in every way. Founded on science and inspired by nature, all Boncharge products adopt ancestral ways of living in our modern day world. Their extensive range of premium wellness products helps you sleep better, perform better, have more energy, recover faster, balance hormones, reduce inflammation. I mean, the list goes on and on. From blue light glasses and infrared saunas to red light therapy to EMF management and circadian friendly lighting, Bon Charge products help you naturally address the

issues of our modern day way of life effortlessly and with maximum impact. My current favorite product from Barn Charge is their Red Light Face Mask. It's good for wrinkles and fine lines, sore jaw, eczema, migraines, acne, scar tissue, wound healing. It's also just relaxing. If you have razor burns and ingrown facial hair, it really does it all. Their face mask is so easy to use. You can do it while watching TV, maybe cooking dinner, even putting the kids to bed. It's super lightweight on the face and it doesn't get hot. I've tried other brands, but they didn't even compare to Bon Charge. Another thing I love is they have zero EMF radiation, which you guys, I'm really big on EMFs. So that is a huge one for me. And I'm telling you,

since I've been using the red light face mask from Bon Charge, I feel like I've seen a difference. People have been giving me compliments that my skin is glowing. Bon Charge also has other amazing products such as low blue light bulbs, blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks, all backed by science. So guys, go to Boncharge.com and use coupon code HONEST to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E.com and use coupon code HONEST to save 15%. So I think a lot of women, we get in our heads, you know, when we are having sex, we're worried about our partner. We're worried about how we look, how we sound, whatever it may

be. You talk a lot about like dropping into your body and really focusing on that. So what are some tips that we can do when we are, you know, experiencing sex with a partner to stay in our bodies? Yeah. So I think it's probably one of the most common things women ask about. I'm in my head. I really can't slow my thoughts down. It prevents me from even being able to get into the moment fully. And then it's some combination usually of things I'm supposed to do, things I'm feeling or thinking about that I haven't vocalized yet, like I'm pissed at you or like I don't really want to be doing this or like I wish you would be kissing me in a different way. And then there's this whole other territory of like undescribed feelings and needs that we

don't even tend to. And so if you can slow your mind down, if you can actually drop into sensation, and one of the best tools for this is breathing. And it's simple, it's free, and it's your first access point to being able to be with the body's experience, not the mind's experience. And I think particularly in the US, but in Western culture in general, we very much associate our identities and our world experience with our mind and our thoughts. And so we're trained to perceive everything through our mind. And sex happens in the body. And really good sex like happens like when you're not thinking at all. Yeah, right. So you kind of have to like go, okay, what are my tools to actually tune into like the sensations? Yeah. The body is the subconscious. And this is

what all of the research that's coming out is showing is that it's where we store our memories, our big emotional memories. And for a lot of us who have had, you know, a boundary violation or something that has frightened us or upset us and we haven't integrated it, that might pop up. Yeah. And so we actually, we kind of compartmentalize and we, we close and we posture our bodies in particular ways to protect us so that we can continue to go about our day. But deep sex requires us to open. Okay, right. And to open means you have to be able to be with that stuff. Yeah.

And so breath is the one thing that can keep you present, circulating the emotion that may be coming up, feeling the sensation that's there and not pop immediately back into your thoughts about like, oh, what does it mean? Yeah. Try to start thinking about it. Okay, what does it mean? Try to start thinking about it. Okay. Okay. So two tricks with breath that are like very simple. One is, so the nervous system plays a huge role in our sexual response and there's upregulation and

downregulation and you need both in your sex life. You need activation activation which is arousal and you need down regulation which is relaxation opening softening receiving okay and inhales are activating and so if you focus on inhales you can start to like think about when you're excited yeah or in a sexual moment you start to breathe faster and faster you're you're like, that's healthy activation. And when you need to slow down and really like open and relax, long, slow exhales signal to the nervous system that you're safe. And then you can done regularly. Think about a yawn.

Think about yoga again forever. It's just like the long. So you can work those two things depending on what you're needing in the moment. Right. Okay. It's almost like a little bit of a meditation. Totally. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And then another thing with, I think particularly women, and you probably can explain this better, is we have a hard time speaking up for what we need in the bedroom. Why is that? And what are ways that we can build the confidence to actually ask for what we need? Yeah. So layered generations of disempowerment and embedded fear into our nervous systems around what's going to

happen to us if we speak up. That's like inherited generational trauma, inherited generational protective mechanisms is one. The second is our socialization. Like when we have emotions and we're little girls, we're not allowed to have certain ones, particularly anger, particularly getting upset with someone else. We are very much socialized to be accommodating to the other person's emotions, not to upset them, to be nice to them, to make them feel better and to caretake. Yeah. So those are deeply ingrained habits for most of us. And it's related to a nervous system response

that is called FON. You ever heard of the FON response? No, I haven't heard of it. So fascinating. Okay. So Stephen Porges is a phenomenal person. He developed this understanding of the nervous system called the polyvagal theory. And it's an in-depth thing that you can all go research. But essentially, we're not just fight or flight or freeze, which was kind of the most new one that most people are familiar with. There's also fawn, which is part of our social engagement nervous system, the way we feel safe with others. And fawning is you can like imagine a little baby fawn.

Fawning is finding safety in a moment of threat by being close to or let's call it like the making it okay. Making it okay. And it's actually a biological response that happens in the system. But when we feel like someone might be upset with us, even if it's a safe moment with a partner, we might have a response mechanism in our nervous system buried super deep that points us in the direction of making them more comfortable, putting their needs above ours, essentially. And so that can very much play a role in the bedroom in an intimate moment when you are very vulnerable, you're naked, you're open, you know, it's hard to set boundaries in that moment, hard to speak your needs. And then the third thing I would say is around vocalizing

and identifying needs. Right. How do we, we don't even know if we don't know them. Yeah. We were never taught to identify them. Yeah. And this is where it comes back to sensation and back to the body is the body will always tell you it will always tell you. And if you're tuned in enough and you know how to listen to sensations and you go, oh, actually, nope. Like that's my body is a no, even though my heart is maybe a maybe and my mind is saying like it's okay. Right. Okay. So just focusing on the body. So basically if someone's having a hard time speaking up in the bedroom, it's really, I think, I think the overall message is really getting in tune with yourself no matter what, so that you, A, know what you want, but then what if you do know what you want, but you still are,

you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings or where can we, where can we get that confidence? Okay. So two, two ways that I talk to my clients about this, and I think both are really useful. So one is being responsive in the moment as something's happening. And so we kind of have this belief that our partners are supposed to like know what we like and anticipate what we like. And when something hurts, a lot of people will like override it or just kind of endure it. And that can lead you down a road of hating sex. So don't ever do that. But responsiveness in the moment, even if you don't have the words for what you do need, you can make sounds for what it feels like. Okay. Right. Which is a super great access point for people who have a hard time expressing.

Yeah. So if you like something, let it be known. Like, like moan. Yeah. throat, open your mouth. And if you don't like it, not sure. And if it hurts, like, ouch. Yeah. And by the way, that's really common. I mean, that happens. Totally. And our partners do not know what we want unless we're communicating pretty clearly through our bodies and through our voices. And so that's a really good access point. Yeah. Even something as simple as saying that feels really good. That feels really good. That goes a long way.

Definitely. Yeah. That's like a great one-liner. Or could you try something else? Oh, okay. That's another like nice redirect where you're not like being like, hey, I need you to like touch my clitoris. I hate that.

Yeah. It's just like, should you try something else? Okay. That's a good one. Well, I always say to women too, like being like, hey, I need you to like touch my clitoris. I hate that. Yeah. It's just like, did you try something else? Okay. That's a good one. Well, I always say to women too, like we want to know if something feels good or doesn't feel good with our partner too. I mean, if someone says something to me, I'm not like, oh, I'm not, my feelings aren't hurt.

It's just, okay. I'm getting to know you and what you like. It's just a roadmap. Yeah. And likely your partner really wants to know. I agree. Your partner wants to know how to love you well. Yeah. And likely your partner really wants to know. I agree. Your partner wants to know how to love you well. Yeah. And even if it's just your lover for the night, you know, and so if you can

give them that insight and then. I think a good pointer for people is it's usually not the most ideal to like talk about your sex life in the middle of a sexual moment. OK, right. So to set aside time for that, where you say something, you, you sandwich all the positive stuff on either side and then, you know, drop in one seed of what you're wanting more of. So I love when you, you know, Hey baby, like I'd love to talk about our sex life. It's so important to me. I know it's so important to you. Do you have like half hour later where we can just drop in and then you can say all the things you love, praise them for, you know, I love the way you kiss me. I love the way you grab my hips in this way. I love the way, you know, you hold my breasts and like give them specifics. And then one thing I'm wanting more of, which that line, and this is, this comes from

my teacher, John Wineland, and I use it in every circumstance ever, but the one thing I would love more of is such an invitation to tell them what you're wanting without telling them how to do it. Okay, yeah. And that's really cool because they're like, oh, awesome. It's like a goal to work towards. Yes. You know, I would love more warmup time before penetration. That would feel

so good for me. And then I was like, yeah, you know, so. Okay. That makes sense. So is it the same thing with after you've been in a relationship for a long time? I mean, sex can get stale. It just can't. It becomes routine. It's always know what to expect. It's kind of like you lose the passion a little bit. A hundred percent. So how can you also get that spark back and keep it exciting still? You're asking like all of the good questions. Like all of the problems everyone has. Okay, good.

I'm glad. Libido, not being able to speak up. We're bored in our long-term relationship. We're bored, okay? What can we do? Okay, so sex is a dynamic emergent field. Anytime we can anticipate how it's going to go down, we're going to start to associate it with like a chore or boredom or like, that's going to take energy from you. And really like sex gives you energy. It is something, especially in a lot of Eastern

traditions where sexual energy is something that feeds your whole system. It really like fills you up. The only way it can actually be that is if it is true and in the moment. And so for couples that are like hitting this wall of it's habitual for us, setting time. So I'll just give you my favorite practice that my partner and I do because I think it's a really good structure for couples to explore. We have once a week a date night that we call temple night or we call date night. And it is at home in our bedroom. And the first night that we ever did it, we set up an agreement. Like it's two hours long max. So everyone knows they get to go to bed at 1030 when we're tired. You know,

you're not over committing yourself. And we, you know, it doesn't mean we have to have sex. Okay. And it does mean we're going to do whatever practice we pull from our jar. So we have a jar and we each put like 20 ideas in. And like I'm a sex educator. So for me, this was a relief that I don't have to lead. Oh, yeah. And for him, it was a relief that I'm not, you know, always being like, hey, let's try this. Let's try this. And we both get our needs met in that way. Wow. And so we commit to that. And then it's a practice night.

So it's our yoga where we go, we pull something from the jar. A lot of the time we are like, I'm too tired and I don't want to do that. And that's just habit. Yeah. And we do it anyway. And it's fucking epic. You know, by the beginning of it, when we commit and go all in, it brings a new aliveness and a freshness. And it brings us to places we really need to go that we wouldn't take ourselves because human beings are just creatures of habit.

Yeah. And so you kind of have to be rigorous about carving out spaces where you can explore together and then protect them. Yeah. Like they're your lifeline of your relationship, you know? Wow. They really are. They are. I love that so much. That is such a great idea. It's so fun. Okay. I mean, I feel like everyone should do that. Where are the kids when this is happening? They're asleep. I'm going to tell you like my favorite, my favorite version of this. Cause it's such a standout in my mind. So one of my, one of my like turn on fantasies is I'm young and like, like hot older teacher who I'm not a hundred percent, not supposed to get attention from. And I love attention. You know, I like, I love that kind of special attention. And so for me that it really gets me going.

We pulled that one out of the jar and it was like late. And we were like, oh, that's going to be like a whole thing, you know? And we were like, OK, we're all in. We're going to go do it. And I was like and he was like, OK, you go get dressed and I'm going to go get the room ready. I love this. So I got on little stockings. And this this is like way beyond role play.

This is like not just dress up this is you like completely embodying yeah me embodying teenage girl basically and and he went full-on into teacher I hope you're okay with me telling you this story Chris we love you for it and and I I died I walked in and I was like you know I was like in a little tie top, a little skirt. I like win the fall. And I walked in and he had the projector in our bedroom on, but it was shining at me so I couldn't see him. Oh my God. And then he had a chair already in the room and he was like, go sit down. Holy shit. And I was like, I'm dead. I'm dead. No, literally A plus. He had put on this button up shirt and had rolled up his sleeves and he had a tie on.

And he was like, he was my teacher. And it was one of the most erotic experiences of my life. We went for hours and hours and hours. And I truly had the experience of being like that being fulfilled for me, which was it was so fun. That's amazing. It was amazing. So what would you say? Because that sounds incredible.

It sounds incredible. But what if someone is like, oh, God, I could never do that. Like, I mean, like how what are some tips to get there? Yeah. So, I mean, I obviously I put that in the jar. I know my capacity. So obviously someone you put in the jar what's within your capacity, what you desire to explore. And I think this type of exploration is about titration.

So it's little by little. And you get to jump into what feels good, what feels comfortable for you in the moment. So someone could have done that same exact thing, teacher, student, but like not gone to the millionth degree that we did and still had an amazing time. They put on stockings, you know, and they called their teacher like Mr. Right. Hottie or whatever. Mr. Hottie. I love Mr. Hottie.

Exactly. Right. So it can be as simple as you want it or obviously as you can go all out like you guys did. Okay. Oh, God, I love these are great tips. It's so fun. That is so fun. Now I'm thinking about what I'm going to put in my jar. Exactly. Almost like, oh, let's add that to the jar.

And how long have you guys been together? Three years, almost. Okay. So it still is like pretty. But even in 20 years, that's true. Three years is still, you're in habit territory. Yeah, that's true. Okay.

Especially with kids. Yeah, that is so habit territory. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Especially with kids. Yeah, that is so true. Yep. That is very true. Mothers dedicate themselves to the wellbeing of their families, often putting their own needs on the back burner. With endless responsibilities, it's crucial for mothers to prioritize self-care even in the simplest ways, supporting their hair health can be a simple yet meaningful step towards feeling their best and becoming their healthiest selves. Just as they care for others, gifting Nutrafol this mother's day will serve as a gesture of appreciation and encouragement for the special mother in your life to also prioritize her own wellness journey. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement with over

1 million people seeing thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding. Everyone's root causes of hair thinning are different. So a one size fits all approach to hair growth doesn't cut it. Nutrafol has multiple formulas that are tailored to give your hair what it needs to grow throughout different stages, such as postpartum and menopause, as well as for different lifestyles, such as a plant-based diet. Physician formulated with drug-free ingredients, Nutrafol's supplements support healthy hair growth from within by targeting root causes of thinning, including stress, hormones, environment, nutrition, lifestyle, and metabolism as they evolve throughout a woman's life. This Mother's Day, share the gift of growth with a special

woman in your life. Whether it's your mom, aunt, or a friend, Nutrafol is a unique and thoughtful gift with lasting impact. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering my listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code honest. Find out why over 4,500 healthcare professionals and hairstylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair. Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code honest. That's Nutrafol.com promo code honest. All right, let's talk about Urban Stems. Urban Stems is a nationwide floral delivery company, and they're asking you to leave moms alone this Mother's Day because what moms really want is just some peace and quiet and

flowers. Urban Stems Mother's Day collection is thoughtfully curated to give mom the cherished gift of alone time. Unlike many of their flower competitors, every bouquet is designed in-house and on trend. Every delivery includes a personalized note to your recipient, thoughtfully designed packaging, and a 100% happiness guarantee. You can shop by color, price range, or flower type at urbanstems.com, which makes it really easy. It's very user-friendly, which I love. You can choose from a vast selection of bouquets, plants, and unique gifts. Urban Stems offers various floral subscriptions, so it's perfect for ensuring fresh beauty

year-round. This Mother's Day, let the flowers do the talking. Give mom her flowers, leave her alone, and let her enjoy a moment of uninterrupted tranquility. I have two bouquets right now from Urban Stems in my house, and I love them. They're fresh, they're beautiful, and the fact that they're just delivered right to your door makes it so easy. You don't even have to think about it. So you guys, Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday, May 12th. You can visit urbanstems.com slash honest to see some of their top picks. Just be sure to order in time by using code honest for 15% off your purchase. Again, that's code honest for 15% off your purchase.

All right, you guys, let's talk about fashion brand Lulu's. This is my favorite time of year because when it starts to warm up, I just feel like I have people over more often. You know, we always have friends over to go swimming, but also my girlfriends, I'll host my girlfriends for lunch and we'll go to brunch. There's just a lot more going on. And so I always need really cute, fun, flirty dresses, just easy things to throw on with either a cute little pair of boots or even a little heel. I love a versatile dress, even dresses that you can take from day to night. You know, there's nothing better than a cute little romper or dress that you can go from

brunch to even wearing it to date night or girls night, an outfit for every single moment in your life. And that's what I love so much about Lulu's. If you guys go on their website and you scroll, you'll see that they just have so many fun, flirty, feminine looks, but then they also have sexier stuff for date night. Or even if you were going to an event, they really have you covered for every single occasion. They have dresses and outfits that you'll remember with the friends that you'll never forget. And another thing I think you guys will love is their price point. They have amazing value and quality for their price. So go ahead and check out their website, guys. Go get a couple of dresses

that you're going to wear all summer long from brunch or pool day to a fun, warm summer date night. Nothing better. So guys, visit lulus.com and use code HONEST at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. That's l-u-l-u-s.com and use code HONEST for 20% off your first order. New customers only, terms apply. Okay. I want to go back to, this is maybe more libido again, but why are some people just not sexual? Do you think that is, does that stem from your childhood of like being shamed for sex? Your parents had a bad relationship around sex. Where does that really come from the core of that? I think it's probably individual to the person's life experiences, culture, upbringing, religion, and genetic hormonal makeup. It's really a combination because you can't really extract

your desire to be intimate or sexual with another human being from all of the different factors that go into that, which are biological, hormonal, which are relational, which are your personal history. And yeah, so I would say it's complicated and it's it probably could change for some people. And then for some people, they're, you know, they're asexual or on the asexual spectrum and they happily live there. Yeah. And that's like fucking awesome too. Yeah. Yeah. What if you live there, but your partner doesn't? Hard. Yeah. That's hard. And it's not my area of expertise, but I do know people that are in those dynamics and it really depends on where you are, I think on the spectrum of being asexual and what you're willing, you know, part of partnership is, is a commitment

to meet each other's needs. And so some of that might just be going, well, where do our needs intersect? What am I willing to give? Even though it's not my first priority, I can give that to you with a willing and open heart and not have it be feeling like it's taking anything from me. So that would be up for negotiation within the couple that I came up in. Yeah. But definitely hormones, like you said, they play a huge factor. So even as simple as going and getting your hormones tested and seeing if that could be the first step. For sure. Sex hormones play a huge role. Estrogen, testosterone, your stress hormones. If you are chronically stressed, so if you have high cortisol,

your cortisol is made up from the same other hormones as your sex hormones. And so you will get, it's called pregnenolone steel, and it'll just get diverted to produce cortisol instead of the things that make you feel sexy. And also you can imagine the way our nervous system works. If you are in a chronic level of stress or upregulation, your body is sensing that as a threat. And so you're not going to be in a state where you're getting the biological signals to like rest and relax and mate. Yeah. Which is what that desire really boils down to biologically for us. So rest, digest, mate, which is what that desire really boils down to biologically for us. So rest, digest,

mate, all of that stuff happens when you're relaxed and at ease. Yeah. Yeah. Gosh. All right. Let's talk about orgasms. Oh, fun. Yes. So you say there are multiple types of orgasms, which I did not know that. So what are the different types and how can we achieve multiple different types of orgasms? Well, all right. There's so clitorals, the most easy for most people to obtain. I think it's like 80% of people say that's the one that's like super. And why is that? It's external. Yeah. And it's the one of the most highly dense nerve ending locations in the entire body. OK. And as far as we know, it's the only part of the body on any human that really is primary role is pleasure. It certainly plays a role in reproduction and science, but yes, pleasure is its role. And the clitoris, this is how I like to think about it. So we have the vulva and vagina

have as much erectile tissue distributed throughout them as a penis. So think about how much blood you need to move into a penis to make it erect. Yeah. That's us. Okay. Wow. Except instead of it taking one minute, two minutes, whatever, however long it takes for your partner to get hard on average, it takes the female body 20 to 40 minutes to reach heightened states of arousal. Wow. So the clitoris gets an erection. It actually like it swells. It's, it's the shaft of the penis. Like when we're in utero, that's the thing that turns into the shaft of the penis and the head of the penis. So the tip of your clitoris is the tip of the penis on a male body. That gets a little erection

as you're getting turned on. But this again, this takes 20 to 40 minutes. So that fills up with blood. And then you have erectile tissue beds on both sides of your outer labia that have to fill up with blood before anything intravaginally starts to get plump and aroused. Wow. Your G-spot or your G-spot area, it's called the urethral sponge. And it's a spongy tissue that wraps around your urethra. That fills with fluid and that fluid comes from all of the other erectile tissue beds being full and engorged enough to push that fluid

in there and so a lot of people aren't having intravaginal orgasms because they're just not they're they're going way too soon into penetration wow Wow. So clitoris, one. And then G-spot is probably the other most well-known and famous. And I will say for people with clitoris is like, you can have multiple, multiple, multiple orgasms just with your clitoris alone. It's the best. Unlimited. Yeah.

When I discovered that, I was like, I literally can have like 20 in a row. That's the best thing about being a girl. Literally, it's the best thing about being a girl. Unlimited. And that kind of sets the stage for intravaginal orgasms. So you have your G-spot, which is about an inch inside on the roof of the vagina. I didn't realize it was only an inch inside. It's really close to the opening, much more close to the opening than we were told. And then behind that is the A-spot

and it's on the same erectile tissue bed. So that G-spot and the A-spot, AFE zone it's called, are probably more likely like a continuum of that whole bed of erectile tissue. And for everyone, we're innervated differently. So you'll have a different area for you that feels good than another person. And then you have your cervix. And the cervix is kind of in the tantra world and in the sexual exploration world. The cervix is like, you know, the orgasm. Oh, that's the big mama. Yeah, because it comes from the center of your body. Like it really comes from this core place where it's like a it's really hard to describe and it is magnificent and amazing and different than all the other ones. And so they all have these different and you can

have energetic orgasms that aren't necessarily climaxes and you can have energetic orgasms that aren't necessarily climaxes. And you can have ejaculation that aren't necessarily orgasm. I mean, there's many, many different ways. Some people orgasm from breast and nipple stimulation. Some people can have anal orgasms. So like it really depends on your individual wiring. But the thing that I've learned over many years of having a hands-on practice is that these areas are often desensitized because we've had poorly lubricated sex or we have some kind of armor or protection built up internally where we're not experiencing the sensation that's possible for us. And so with pleasure and arousal work, you can resensitize those areas, especially if it's very gentle touch and like very,

very slow kind of just helping the area open. And then my wish for all people is that they can learn and they can teach their body to have these different types of orgasms. And if you don't orgasm intravaginally, nothing's wrong with you. Right. Because that's common. That's the thing that pisses me off is like some people will teach that, you know, something's wrong with you if you can't or you're broken or, you know, you're repressing, whatever. It's just like, no, you're like your body can learn to do that. It just hasn't learned to do that. And you're not broken. Nothing's wrong with you.

Very common. Majority of people need clitoral stimulation. Well, also, if it's taking us 20 to 45 minutes to get turned on, no one's doing foreplay that long. Nobody's doing foreplay that long. And most most sexual experiences and heterosexual relationships last like I think on average 10 to 15 minutes I mean and that's being generous yeah it is so I mean it kind of sounds like maybe okay so obviously getting in touch with your body but then having longer foreplay is what a lot of women need definitely and if we reframe like what foreplay means because in our minds it probably means like hand sex or or oral sex right what if foreplay meant making out and rolling around on the bed naked and rubbing your body on your partner and like rubbing your breasts on their face and dry humping like you did when

you were a teenager yeah you remember like how it's the best so it's so hot. It was the best. It is so hot. And like how we're not just doing that is insane to me. So like let that also be foreplay. Let making out be foreplay. Let. I love a good make out. Totally. It's my favorite.

Totally. And let giving your partner a blowjob be foreplay. Because like you if you can find where it feels erotic for you, then it will become a turn on. So we could go down that rabbit hole, but that's, yeah. Let foreplay be way more expansive in our definition of it. Yeah. And I think even having a conversation with your partner of like, listen, women just take longer. Like I need this, you know, I think it'd be, I'm not ready yet. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Let's talk about the arousal oil. Yes. I just got it. I used it last night.

The timing on that was phenomenal. This stuff is amazing. And I have my best friend have been telling me for months and months, she's like, it's a game changer. You have to get it. Tell us why this oil is so freaking amazing. Yeah. So I've been working with FOREA almost since the inception of the brand. And I love it because it is really everything we've done is geared towards female pleasure, particularly in our intimacy line. And the Awaken Arousal Oil itself is nine botanicals. We have two versions of it, either nine or eight botanicals, depending on your needs, that are all around arousal. So we've been talking about this like 20 to 40 minute time frame. That is what this oil is for, is to help the body actually reach those heightened states of arousal and support the

process, which is just blood flow coming into the genitals. When you have that, you have more lubrication, you have way more desire available to you. You have way more pleasure and orgasmic capacity available to you. And we see that again and again in our testimonials that people are like, oh, I tried this and like I had like four orgasms and I didn't even know that's possible. Or it's working on their libido or, you know, it's on all of these different ways because what it's actually doing, it's activating your sexual response and taking you, helping show you what your body's capable of. So I'm a huge fan. It's all organic. It's all plant based. It's like the best of the best. Yeah. I'm such a deep love of what Foria does as a brand. Yeah, I am too. I'm all in now after this oil.

I'm so excited about it. Well, I mean, this has been incredible. Do you have any other advice just for women on their sexual journeys? Any just the final words? So many. I know. I feel like I could talk to you for 100 years. Okay.

I have one. This is just coming up because I feel like there's so much shame around the way that vulvas look. Okay. Okay. I like this. And it's one thing that I think gets in the way for people because they're like, oh, my partner's going down on me and I don't want them to see me. Or they're in their head again. Yeah. Do I smell weird? Right. Am I taking too long? Yeah. Is my labia too long? Is the color of my labia okay? And labiaplasty is I think one of the fastest growing plastic surgeries in the country. And it's because we have gotten so many horrible messages around what our bodies are supposed to look like.

So if you can do mirror work where you look at your body in the mirror regularly and you just kind of let the thoughts like steam off of you, you know, like you might go, oh, I don't like how that looks. Like just let it just like bubble off of you because the thoughts aren't true. What's underneath them is the emotion of shame and uncertainty and sadness and disconnection, all of that. So once you let the thoughts boil off and you're just like with your body in that way, incredible things can happen and you can have so much more comfort, so much more confidence in the bedroom, so much more ease in your ability to receive. And it's just, it's such a good starting point to meet yourself.

Okay. That's my last. I love that. Yes. Mic drop. You're amazing. I just think this is so cool what you do and I think you help so many women. So I really appreciate you being here and then tell everyone where they can find you and also all of the products too. Yeah, totally. So my work a little bit separate from ForiaA, definitely separate from FOREA, but is Kiana Reeves. You can kianareeves.com or at kiana.reeves on Instagram. I do a ton of educating that way. All my courses and stuff are up there.

And then FOREA, I do all of the education for FOREA. And so you can find us at FORIA Wellness on Instagram, F-O-R-I-A or at foriawellness.com. Amazing. You guys are going to love the oil. Get it. Definitely. Thank you so much. Thank you. This has been so fun. Great questions.