Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - You Can Only Control What You Can Control

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Join me for a discussion on parenting from multiple angles: the birth order, my parenting style and how I discipline, why making yourself a priority is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids, empowering your kids through a divorce, and navigating those conversations, what my parents did that I liked and didn't like during their divorce, plus being a "clean parent" (or lack thereof).A word from our sponsors:Armra - Go to tryarmra.com/HONEST or enter HONEST to get 15% off your first order.Primal Kitchen - Head to Amazon and use code 20HONESTPK to receive 20% off your order. You can find Primal Kitchen at Target, Walmart, or your local grocery stores.Quince - Go to Quince.com/honest for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.Heineken 0.0 - Must be 21+ to purchase. Please enjoy Heineken responsibly.Bite Toothpaste - Go to trybite.com/HONEST or use code HONEST to get 20% off your first order.Needed - Head over to thisisneeded.com and use code HONEST for 20% off your first month of Needed products.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Welcome in to Let's Be Honest. I'm your host, Kristen Cavallari. Happy Tuesday, you guys. I have met a guy. I have completely fallen in love, and it's true what they say, that it's always when you least expect it. We just found each other and his name is Teddy. He is a nine week old, really cute little puppy. I was not planning on getting another dog, you guys. In fact,

another puppy is the absolute last thing I need. But I completely fell in love. What happened was someone brought him over and he was limping and had an extremely red, this bloodshot eye and a gash on his tail. So I was like, okay, well, the kids and I were like, we're holding onto this puppy and he went to the vet and he had a broken paw. And so, you know, now we really are like something obviously happened to this puppy. We don't know what, but I was like, I'll, you know, I'll nurse him back to health. I'll foster him for a little while. And I have completely fallen in love with this little guy. So we're going to keep him. We're keeping him. And I figure, you know, what's one more living thing to keep alive over here? But he goes well with the topic of today's conversation, which is parenting. And you guys

are the reason why I'm doing this podcast because you guys keep bringing up that you want to discuss parenting. And there are different topics that we will discuss along the way, but I am kind of surprised I haven't covered this yet. And I don't really have a reason why. I guess maybe because I feel like I don't, well, I didn't think that that was what my listeners wanted to hear about, but after reading everyone's comments and suggestions for episodes, it was, I mean, it was a landslide. So here we are. So thank you for the suggestion. And there's a lot that I want to cover. So I'm going to start with just that I have three kids. So I have Camden, Jackson, and Sailor. I have two boys and a girl. They are

11, 9, and 8. So fifth grade, fourth grade, and second grade. And I think that there is so much truth to the birth order because my oldest, Cam, is such a good kid. And he always has been. From day one, he's just, he's been easy. He's been really easy and really great. And he never wants to rock the boat. Like he definitely just follows the rules. You can always count on him. He's also so kind. I mean, just has such a big heart. All of my kids have really big hearts, which I'm really proud of, but he's very sweet. He's also incredibly smart. He's incredibly athletic. Those two things he doesn't get from me. He's a math genius, and I can assure you he did not get that from me because I almost failed algebra two in high school. So yeah, I can't take any credit for that.

And he's athletic, but he's also musically inclined. The kid, everything comes very easy for Cam. And so I've always thought, what is going to be his life struggle or some difficulties that he might face in life? And I think. And I've seen it a little bit, but when he's not good at something, he wants to just give up right away. So I think it's learning how to consistently go back to something and keep trying to improve. I think that's something that we'll have to work on with him. But typical first kid, just so easy, right? Just follows the rules easy. And then I have Jackson who is typical second born, which I was second born. So I can relate. He is my wild child. He's full on boy.

He's always getting hurt, you know, just accident prone. He has a ton of energy. He is bouncing off the walls. He's the creative one, but he's also the one that makes everybody laugh. He's just like always up for a good time. You know, he loves to make people laugh. So at school, you know, we've had a few incidences with that. And I do feel like in the future he will be the party animal. That'll be payback. I can just already see it. I just already know. And I've actually said that since he was little. So it's coming. And then I have Sailor, my baby girl, and she is equal parts tough and sweet. She is actually me. She knows what she wants, man, and she is going to get it. She's my hardest kid. And I mean that in such a good way because as a girl, I want my girl to be tough, right? And to go after what she wants

and to have this strong personality. But as the mom of that, it's hard. It's hard. And I, God, you know, I think about my parents when I was young because I was, my mom says that we are the exact same. So I have a lot of compassion for my parents. Karma is very real. And it's interesting that nature versus nurture conversation, because when you have multiple kids, you see. I very much believe that how a kid is raised will influence who they are, of course, you know, the things they go through, who their parents are, their siblings, all of those things. But who you are when you are born is who you are. And I've seen it because I have three kids. You all come from the same place that you're all very different. And they've been who they are from day one, which I just find so fascinating. I love this conversation. But so, okay. So a big question

that you guys had for me was basically what kind of a parent I am. And so I would say I am, I'm a pretty lax parent. I'm pretty chill. I've always been like that. Becoming a mom was actually the most natural thing I've ever done. It was like, I had kids and I just, it's just, yeah, this is what I do. This is what I'm doing now. I'm a mom. I feel like I was always born to be a mom, which is funny because I was never the one to dream about becoming a mom. And I want to have this many kids and I can't wait for all of it. Like, yeah, I knew I wanted to become a mom, but I wasn't dreaming about it.

And I became a mom very young at 25. And it just felt natural for me. And I'm thankful for that. And that's not to say there weren't and still aren't a lot of hard times, but being a mom is I think where I am most comfortable. So because of that, I think I've never been a helicopter mom. I've never micromanaged. I've never been like stressed out about it. Like I've had stressful moments, but in a general sense, I'm pretty chill. I'm not strict, but I do have boundaries. There are, of course, things that I expect of my kids. They know what that is. They know there are consequences,

which I will get to in a minute because discipline was a huge question you guys had, which I found fascinating. I think it's funny. I also, I get it because I think as parents, we want to make sure that what we're doing is okay. I don't know. I think it's like, because obviously as parents, we're learning as we go. And, you know, we do like to have some reassurance sometimes of like, okay, you did that too. Okay. That makes me feel better about my decision. Or like, I've had moments where I'm like, okay, you did that too. Okay. That makes me feel better about my decision. Or like, I've had moments where I'm like, I'm yelling at my kids so much and I don't want to be yelling at my kids, but I feel like that is the only way they listen to me. And I think that's more of a mom thing than a dad thing. I do think that deeper dad voice just like hits them harder. So I've called friends before and been like, I just feel like a piece of shit parent. You know, it's usually like over summer when they're home more or like we were just in

Miami for New Year's and my kids were fighting so much. And the fighting is what drives me crazy. The fighting is the one thing that I will, I will yell and I will be like, well, you guys, what are you actually fighting about? It drives me crazy. And it is when everyone's around each other more than usual or like in Miami, we were obviously in a hotel. So we were in a more confined space. And so everyone was just losing their minds. So I have called friends in those times just to be like, God, I'm yelling so much and I hate that I'm yelling, but I don't honestly know what else to do. And all of my mom friends are like, no, I get it. I'm literally doing the same thing. And that does make me feel so much better. So I do think it's nice to have that community of

your mom friends to lean on each other. And just for like that little reassurance of like, okay, I yelled at my kids. It's not going to fuck them up for the rest of their lives. Like it's going to be okay. I just think it's really nice to hear sometimes. But on that note, so discipline. So what I have done since they were very little is there is a book called One, Two, Three Magic. And I don't think you need to read the book. I think I can explain it to you in about two seconds right now. So. But what it says is, let's say your kid is doing something and you want them to stop. So you say, Sailor, if you don't stop, you know you're going to go to your room by the time I get to three. One, Sailor, I'm at one. Two, Sailor, I'm already at two. If you don't stop, you're going to your room. Three, okay, you're going to your room. And you have to follow through.

If you get to three and you don't do anything, well, then they're going to know in the future nothing's going to happen to me. So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. So the most important piece of that is the follow through. And it can be going to their room for five, 10 minutes. It could be taking a toy away. It could, whatever is going to, I think, affect them probably the most or maybe not the most, but something that will actually resonate. A good example is, so on my birthday, a friend sent me 12 cupcakes and the boys spent the night at a friend's house. So it was just Sailor and I at the house and she got first pick out of all the cupcakes, right? Even over me and it was my birthday. So the next day the boys come home and Jackson wants a cupcake. So he wants now first

pick because Sailor had first pick last night and she is not okay with that. She wants first pick again. And I'm like, Sailor, you had first pick last night. Now Jackson gets to pick. Through a fit, man. Through a fit. And so she got these little horse figurines taken away that she loves, these like little play horses. And I took them away for 24 hours because she needed to see how serious I was. Because Sailor is a typical third kid in the sense that there have been more times than not where I have gotten to three and not actually done anything. So she doesn't always think there's going to be any consequences.

And that is 100% my fault. And when the third comes along, it's like, I'm exhausted. I don't actually want to stop what I'm doing to have to go put you in your room or stop what the whole family is doing. And I've also already done this with two other kids. So yeah, I'm guilty of that. She is a third kid, but I am trying, I'm trying to follow through and I'm trying to have consequences. So her little horse figurines, like she's obsessed with these things. So that one, that one hit home. And now I guarantee the next time I have to do one, two, three on her,

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is. I really can't say enough good stuff. You guys are going to absolutely love these pieces as much as me. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince. Go to quince.com slash honest for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash honest to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash honest to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash honest. You know, my kids are getting a little bit older now, so we are dealing with, you know, bigger things like, like an in-school suspension, which I didn't think we would have at these young ages, but we have, I won't say what kid, I'll save my kids that. And it was, you know, listen, it was nothing

like so serious, but you know, we are now entering that phase where there are bigger, bigger things that we're dealing with. And so those obviously I can't do one, two, three magic on them. So that is something like, okay, you're getting your Xbox taken away or next time you want to have a sleepover, you can't have a sleepover, like those kinds of things. So that's more of what I do. But I am a pretty chill mom. I know that about me, you know, and my kids, I've never treated my kids like they're little kids. And obviously, especially now as they're getting older, but I don't, I give them, you know, respect like I would any other person. And I treat them as such in, in like the day to day world. Obviously there are conversations more tailored

to them because they are children and stuff like that. But I've never done like the baby talk or like treated them less than, you know, we're all members of this family. Another topic that you guys wanted to discuss was finding me time as a mom and also the guilt that comes with that. And that's such a real thing. We have, I think as moms more than dads, we carry that guilt even if we're gone for two hours. And I don't think that ever really goes away. I don't know because I still have it. And I actually, so I have my kids a lot more now than I have over the last few years. And all of a sudden I am like, okay, my time now is very limited in the sense that only because for the last few years, what I've done is when I have my kids, I have my kids and that's it.

And now I'm going to have to work and I'm going to have to do some things when I have my kids, I have my kids and that's it. And now I'm going to have to work and I'm going to have to do some things while I have my kids. And I do have to continue to have a social life. And that's a conversation that I've had with my kids is like, listen, you guys are with me a lot more now. And it's important for adults to go to dinner with their friends to have adult conversations. Those are all really important things. And thank God I have the best babysitter on the planet and my kids are obsessed with her. And so my kids are fine. And my kids are older where they get it and you can actually have conversations with them. But finding me time can be really challenging. I will

always go back to the fact that when your kids are in school all day, which all three of mine are, you get your life back a little bit. And that is really, really nice. If you can just keep your eye on the prize till when they are in kindergarten, so five or six years old. And obviously when you've got multiple kids, like it was longer than five or six years for me. It was like the baby phase. And I know for most parents it is, but there will come a day. I remember dropping Sailor off at kindergarten. I was like, holy shit, I made it. I made it. You get your life back because you know, what I used to do is I would wake up at 5am and I would work out. I wanted to do that before my kids woke up because

I wouldn't have time the rest of the day. And now my life, I was also going to the office more. So then I would, you know, get breakfast and lunches ready for the kids, take them to school. Then I would go to the office and then, but now, so I'm not going to the office every day anymore, but now because my kids are in school, I take them to school and then I come home and work out. So it's just shifted a little bit. And it's, it's kind of nice that now I can have, I can sleep until 6am instead of 5am, but it's just a less stressful way. But I think like some of those years are just really stressful and we do have guilt, but I ultimately think that making yourself a priority is the best thing you can do for

yourself and for your kids. Because I've always said, and a lot of people say this, when you are empty, when your tank is empty, you have nothing to give. So you are a less better version of who you could be as a mom. You are probably going to have less patience. You're going to maybe snap easier. I think as a parent, a really important thing is those teachable moments. And as they get older, it almost feels like every moment is a teachable moment. And if you're run down and tired, you don't have the energy to have those conversations and to take those opportunities. And so if you focus on you, you actually put yourself first and make yourself a priority. You are refreshed. You're rejuvenated.

You are ready to go. You're energized. You can then be the best mom that you can be. And I've seen it just in my life because pre-divorce, I was so burnt out. I had a million things going on and that's, you know, I think I put too much on my plate to avoid what was going on in my life. But I was so maxed out and I wasn't as good of a mom. And now that I have, I mean, yes, through divorce, have I had more me time? Yes, absolutely. But I have realized I am such a better mom now for numerous reasons. But one is because I have refound in the last few years how to make myself a priority. And I realize how important me time is so that I can be a better mom. So I know when we're somewhere else, let's say we're at the gym and our kids are home and we are constantly thinking about that,

but we have to remember this benefits everybody. So I think we need to give ourselves more grace and not be so hard on ourselves when it comes to me time as a mom. So another thing is someone mentioned that I'm a clean parent and I want to go into this because I am a clean person. I eat clean. I live a very clean, healthy lifestyle. And when my kids were really little and I was able to control that, yes, when my kids were young, you could have called me a clean parent. Now, I think we're clean when we're at home for the most part, but I've even gotten locks in my house for my kids. I think when it comes to diet for your kids, and when I say diet, I don't mean like restricted

calories. I just mean like what they're eating normally. So when it comes to their diet, I think it's a fine line with kids because I don't want to be so strict that then they go the opposite way. When they go to friends' houses, they lose their minds and they're shoving everything into their mouths. Or when they go to college then, they just go buck wild when it comes to sugar and snacks and all the things. And so what I do now is I control what I can control, which is when I'm making dinner, which is most nights, I can control what I'm feeding them for dinner. I can control what I can control, which is when I'm making dinner, which is most nights, I can control what I'm feeding them for dinner. I can control what's in this house.

Again, I've gotten a little bit more lenient when it comes to some of this stuff. I've got things in my house now that five years ago, I never thought I would. But again, it's just, it's balance. And it's teaching kids a foundation of what a healthy diet looks like. And my boys are really good at seeing the effects that food have on them. So if my boys eat like shit, they feel like shit, you know? And that's from them eating pretty healthy their whole lives. And I just started them like that when they were born. Again, poor Sailor, the third kid. She is my most like kids menu kid. Because again, with the third, you're busy or you're running around. It was like, let's just get something in her. Okay. She wants butter noodles. Great. Fine. Get her the butter

noodles. She is my mac and cheese, butter noodle, chicken finger girl. And she is a good eater. I don't want to say that she's not because she absolutely is. She eats what I make. We just did this like crazy, like 15 course sushi dinner in Miami. And she, she hung in there. She, she ate most courses or a couple that she didn't, but she tried them, which I thought was awesome. So she will eat things. She can be very adventurous. I was really impressed with her with the sushi. So she is a good eater. I don't want to say that she's not. However, if it was up to her, she would definitely eat chicken fingers and mac and cheese every day. Where my boys, that's not how they eat. I mean, so if we go out to eat, like they'll get a filet. They love steak and, you know, and they'll eat vegetables and stuff. So, and again, because

I started them when they were really little, but they eat like shit too sometimes, you know? And I, and I think giving them that freedom to make those choices is important. So when we go out to eat, when we travel, yeah, you guys can order whatever you want. And that's kind of how I eat too, to be honest. So, and I also feel like kids do what you do and not what you say. I will stand by that until the day I die, because you can tell your kids one thing until you're blue in the face, but they do what you do. Kids pick up on how you're living your life. If you're doing what you say, your lifestyle, how you treat people, all of those things, that's where kids' biggest influence is, and it's how you're living. And so I live a really healthy lifestyle

and I definitely indulge and have fun from time to time and they see that. And I think having a really healthy relationship around food is the best thing that you can do for your kids because if you're weird about food, that's going to pass down onto them. And so, yeah, that's, I just think again, I just, I just think when it comes to like kids wellness balance, it's, it's all about balance. I do have a rule though, where if you're not going to eat your vegetables and a little bit of protein, then you can't have dessert. Or if you don't eat your dinner, then you're not going to have dessert. That's kind of the only thing I, I stand by, but also my kids have something sweet every night. They do. And that's probably not a good thing, but I also kind of do too. I usually have, even if it's just a piece

of dark chocolate or a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, and sometimes it's ice cream, sometimes it's whatever. I've got these dark chocolate caramels right now that are insane. So I have a couple of those, but yeah, I just, I just think like having a healthy relationship towards food is the best thing for your kids. When it comes to divorce with kids and having that discussion with them, I come from a place of being the kid of divorced parents and also obviously going through a divorce myself and now being able to relate and talk to my kids about that, which having gone through it as a kid has been one of the best things for me as a mom now of my kids, because I can relate to them. I know what they're going through. I can have those conversations with them. And,

you know, I think as all people, when we're going through a hard time, we want empathy and empathy is people being able to put themselves in your shoes. It's not sympathy. It's very different. I actually fucking hate sympathy. It's, it's more just like I'm sitting in this with you type of a vibe. And that's what I've been able to do with my kids. Like I, I get it. Cause I've gone through exactly what you're going through. And in fact, my parents' relationship dynamic was, I guess I should say, similar to my ex and I. So it's actually offered up a lot of empathy and understanding, really. And so I think the stance that I've taken with my kids during that or anything else substantial that they're going through is the conversation that I really have with them is that everything we go

through in life or the hard times are going to make us stronger. And I really believe in my soul that everything happens for a reason. And even if we don't know what that reason is right now, and it might take years for us to know the reason, there is a reason. And especially now that I'm a little bit older, I'm 37, I believe that with every fiber in my being because I've seen it now. My childhood makes so much sense to me now as I'm an adult. And it was really hard at times growing up, but now I get it. Now it all makes sense. And so those are the conversations that I have with my kids. And I think that it's worked. All right. Obviously, you guys have all heard of the beer Heineken, right? But did you guys know that they have an alcohol-free option? Heineken Zero Zero is an alcohol-free option

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to know what's truly the best option. Needed is recommended and used by more than 4,000 women's health experts from nutritionists to midwives, functional medicine doctors, and OBGYNs. Head over to thisisneeded.com and use code HONEST for 20% off your first month of needed products. That's thisisneeded.com and use code HONEST for 20% off your first month of needed products. This is going to be a little out there for some people. So I believe in reincarnation. First of all, we should start there because to me, otherwise, what is the point? I think we have multiple lives so that we can learn all of these lessons. I think each life we have different lessons. And I think, I think that's where karma really exists is like from lifetime to lifetime. And I think that like if we just die and that's it, well, what is the point of all of this?

And with my brother passing and getting so many signs from him, I just feel like there is life after we die. That is not the end. I know I will see my brother again, and I am going to do a whole episode on grief coming up. So with that being said, I also think before we come to earth, we sort of like map out our lives. I know this sounds batshit crazy to a lot of people. I know I'm losing some of you, but I know it's going to stick to the people that really need to hear it. And I really think that we kind of like map out our lives to an extent, not like everything, but like the main, I think we sign up for the hardships that we're going to go through. And because I think that, I think we're never given

anything that we can't handle. And even if that's not true, I find a lot of peace in that. To me, that's really empowering no matter what you're going through. It's like, okay, I know I can do this because I set myself up for this. So instead of being the victim, I'm going to look at it solely from a place of, okay, what can I learn from this? What is the takeaway? Because I don't know. I just think there's such a bigger picture. And if that's not the reason, then what are we all doing? What is the point of this? So those are also conversations that I have with my kids. I mean, we can do a whole podcast on that and we will. And listen, I mean, some of these

conversations are probably a little over my kids' heads, but I've had these conversations consistently. This is just like an open-ended conversation that we have about life and Uncle Mike, you know, and all the signs that we've gotten and what are we all doing here and what happens when we die. But then I do tell them, I think that there is a reason why we go through everything we go through and that we ultimately are the ones who signed us on to experience these things. I think we pick our parents. I really think all of this stuff. I'm going to have some mediums on later in the year too. So we will definitely cover all of this stuff. So stay tuned for that. But anyways, and I think the most important thing to do with kids

during a divorce or any hard time is to empower them. It's never to be like, oh my God, I worry about you over at your dad's house. Let's say you're co-parenting with a narcissist, which I'm also going to do an episode on that with Dr. Sherry Campbell. I'm going to have her back on and we're going to talk specifically on that because God, there's a lot with co-parenting with a narcissist. So instead of letting your kids know that you're worried, it's empowering them. It's everything you're going through is going to make you stronger. I promise you. I know it's hard to see right now, but I promise you, you will look back one day and you will understand why you're going through this. It's empowering them. You

never want your kids to know that you're worried about them because that just puts it on them. And they don't need that. They don't need your anxiety or your stress at all. So speaking of co-parenting with a narcissist, because I've told you guys my dad is a narcissist, and a couple of things that my parents did that I liked and didn't like during their divorce was A narcissist will want to rip the other person apart. They do a smear campaign against them, and they don't realize how much it's affecting the kids. They're making everything about them. And the one thing that my mom did was she never said anything bad about my dad. Never. And boy, could she have. And I really respect that. I really respect that. And that's something that I've done. Never bashed my ex-husband to my kids

ever. I want them to have a great relationship with their dad. I mean, that's so important. And they need to see him in a good light. And if they don't, well, then it's because of their relationship with him. I don't want to take part in that. But the one thing that my mom didn't do that I wish she did was she never stood up for herself either. So she didn't bash my dad, but she also didn't stand up for herself. And that was confusing and really hard for me for a while. And in fact, my mom and I had a really challenging relationship until my mid-20s. And it's because I was so confused. My dad was telling me all of this stuff, and it made me – I was mad at my mom. I was really mad at my mom. And my mom didn't do things perfectly

but my mom and we've talked about all of that and I will actually give you an example of something that she did that I didn't like but I feel like if she would have defended herself and stuck up for herself a little bit more it probably would have saved some years of hate and I don't wish that things were different because I actually think, we went through the things we went through and my mom is my best friend now. And it's just, it's part of my journey. It's part of our journey. But that's one thing I'm not going to do. I'm not going to not defend myself. If someone is lying about me and trashing me with lies, I'm not going to just roll over. So that's something that I'm doing differently.

So one thing that my mom did that really crushed me, and it's like one of those core memories that I still have is, so growing up, we used to go to Cape Cod every summer. That was our family spot. We would go with, you know, it was my mom, my dad, and my brother and I, the four of us. We did that every summer. And then my parents got a divorce and my mom pretty quickly started dating my stepdad, Dan, who was still my stepdad. And he's got two kids. He has a girl and a boy. The girl is about five years older than me. And the boy is about a year and a half older than me. And I don't know why, but she thought a good time for all of us to meet would be Cape Cod, my family spot. And so my mom, my brother, and I, and then my stepdad, Dan, and his two kids were in a very small cabin together the

first time we ever met on my family vacation spot. And I was probably in fourth or fifth grade, which is interesting for me now because I have a fourth and a fifth grader. So I look at them and I'm like, you know, I just like think of like the things I was going through at that age. But I remember being so sad and I missed my dad so much. And this is before cell phones. So I couldn't just call my dad. I remember one day we went into town and we went to their little general store. And I remember trying to call my dad on the pay phone and I couldn't get ahold of him, which of course made me even sadder. I just remember being so sad that whole trip, just sad. And so, you know, there's things like that. And listen, my mom has apologized. She knows.

And I think when you become a parent, you realize our parents didn't know what the hell they were doing either. Everyone's just trying the best that they can. And when you do become a parent, you do have more empathy and compassion for your own parents. And listen, I get it. You know, I get it. There's no guidebook for this stuff, especially back then. I mean, this was so long ago. But that's something I'm hyper aware of for when I do enter a relationship

is that initial meeting and the first few months when everyone's getting used to the fact that there's someone in my life and what that looks like. And I would almost ask my kids, like, okay, let's say I had a boyfriend for six months. I don't know. I'm just making this up. And I've always been very honest with my kids about who I'm talking to, who I'm dating. They know what's going on in my life, but they also know no one's been serious enough to meet them yet. And so I think what I would say is, okay, you know, I like this guy and I'm ready for you guys to meet him. If you guys are ready, do you guys want to meet him? Yes. Okay. What do you guys want to do? Do you want to go out to dinner? Do you want him to come over here and I can make

dinner? Like, what does that look like for you guys? And I think it's just having a conversation. No one ever asked me how I was feeling, what was going on, like zero. And that is a generational thing, I believe, is our parents. That just wasn't a conversation to ask your kids how they're doing. That didn't even cross their minds. Where I think now, I think that's changed a little bit. So I would ask my kids how they're thinking and feeling about everything. But, you know, it's just stuff like that. At the end of the day, it's really hard to know if what we're doing is for the kid's best interest. Like, obviously we do things because we think it is, but, you know, we're just, we're learning as we go and we're doing the best that we can. And so being a parent is, it's the hardest job, but it's also the most rewarding because of those things. You know, we are shaping these people for

the rest of their lives and that's a lot of responsibility, but it's also really empowering and pretty fucking cool. Really? I also don't believe in staying together for the kids because what that's teaching kids is that you should stay in it even though you're unhappy. Sometimes if you're being treated not how you should be, that's teaching your kids that that behavior is okay. It's keeping you in a really unhealthy environment, in a negative environment, you're somewhere you don't want to be, I'm not religious. So that's never been a factor for me. I understand for a lot of people it is, but I don't agree with that at all. I'm sorry, but I don't. I think everyone deserves to be happy.

And I think kids don't need to take on that negativity. Getting a divorce is the best thing I've ever done for me and my kids. I know that for a fact. And so I can't imagine just staying in a relationship because you think it's the best thing for the kids because all that's doing is perpetuating the cycle. It's your kids then are going to repeat that pattern. You need to break that cycle and show your kids what it's like to do something for you, follow your heart. Maybe you end up in another relationship that's actually really positive and happy. And then that's what they have to model after. I was so thankful that my mom got remarried so that I could see a healthy relationship.

Because otherwise, I didn't know what the fuck that looked like. I had no idea what a good relationship looked like. So thank God my mom found Dan because then I had that in middle school and then I moved away. I moved in with my dad in high school, but I at least had those years and I would go visit my mom and everything. So I would still see them together. And I'm, I was always so thankful for that because if you don't show your kids what a good, healthy relationship is, they're going to just repeat that pattern. So, but let's end this on a positive note. Cause I know we've, this is a really serious conversation. Kids are really resilient and that's what I've also learned. And that's the best thing is that they are resilient and they will bounce back from most

things. And it's all part of their journey, really and truly. I believe that. And so I don't know. I find a lot of peace in that if we all signed up for these life lessons, then OK. And we have to let our kids experience those emotions. I think that's kind of the hard thing as a parent is, you know, your kids are like little pieces of your heart just out there

in the world. And of course you don't want little pieces of your heart to feel pain and sadness, but they have to, they have to, that's how they grow and that's how they learn. And it's just part of life. So we can't shield them from everything forever. So I think it's okay. And then that's why I've, of, you know, I'm not always trying to control everything. So anyways, again, you can only control what you can control. So I hope you guys liked this episode on parenting. And thank you, of course, for listening. And I will see you guys next week.