Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari - You Never Really "Get Over" Grief

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

In this episode, I’m opening up about grief, losing my brother Mike, and what it’s really been like learning to live with his absence.I share the story of losing him unexpectedly, the shock and heartbreak that followed, and how grief has changed for me over nearly 11 years. I talk about the isolation of grief, the moments that still hit me out of nowhere, the things I wish I could have done differently, and why remembering the good times has become such an important part of healing.I also get into the signs I’ve experienced since Mike’s passing: from butterflies and gold coins to moments that have made me feel like he’s still around. And how losing him completely changed my relationship with spirituality.If you’re grieving someone you love, I hope this episode makes you feel a little less alone and reminds you that there is no timeline for grief.Sam Edelman: Visit us at https://samedelman.com to explore everything you need for Fall and get 15% off with code HONEST15Ladder: Head to https://ladder.fit/HONEST and take a quick quiz to find your perfect Ladder plan. Use my link and get a free 7-day trial with NO credit card, and $10 off your first month if you join.Hiya: Receive 50% off your first order. To claim this deal, you must go to https://hiyahealth.com/HONESTPendulum: Save up to 48% off your first order at https://pendulumlife.com/HONESTWayfair: Join Wayfair Rewards today to get five percent back on every purchase. Head to https://Wayfair.com to shop all things home. JS Health: https://jshealthvitamins.com code HONEST for 15% off your order at checkout.Branch Basics: Get 15% off Branch Basics with the code HONEST at https://branchbasics.com/HONEST #branchbasicspodFor more Let's Be Honest, follow along at:@kristincavallari on Instagram@kristincavallari and @dearmedia on TikTokLet's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari on YouTubeProduced by Dear Media.This episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products, or services referred to in this episode.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavalry, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Hey, how is everybody? Happy Tuesday. Back for another one. today is going to be an emotional one, I guess. I'm going to do a whole episode about grief

because every time I ask you guys what you want to talk about, I get so many requests to talk about my brother passing and then just grief in general. Unfortunately, a lot of people can relate to it. And I have done an episode about it. I did one years ago. It was right kind of, I think, in the earlier days of me podcasting. But I did it from Cabo and I also coupled that episode with my Bufo experience, which if you're interested in that, God, I don't even know. I mean, that was years ago. I'm sure you could search Bufo in the title, I would think.

I don't remember what it's called, but it is out there somewhere. But I figured today we can do one just specifically about grief because I think when you're grieving, the most important thing, at least. when I was is relatability, I think. I think connecting with people who really understand what you're going through is the only thing that is comforting. And what I mean by that is, and listen, unless you've been through it, you don't know. When I lost my brother, I just remember in my grief phase, almost being mad when people would text me and say, thinking of you, you're You're in my prayers.

You're in my thoughts. Because I would be like, what the fuck is that going to do for me? Like that does, like, stop. Like, I would rather you not even say anything. And by the way, before I lost my brother, that's what I would say to people. Because you don't, you don't know, right? Unless you've been through it. You don't know what to say.

You don't know what it feels like. And it's so different now. And by the way, my advice, if you haven't lost someone and you know someone who has, What I always found the most comforting is people who would tell you a really good memory. So like when people would text me and be like, Mike was the funniest guy. Like I remember when he did X, Y, and Z. Because like remembering the good times when you lose someone is the best, right? And so when people could tell me a funny memory or like what they loved about him,

I always loved that. Or when people could just keep it real with me and be like, this fucking sucks. Like, that's not fair. like your brother left way too early. And by the way, this is my personal experience. I'm sure a lot of people are different. But I remember saying to my mom, like, it like infuriated me. Your thoughts and prayers.

Like, fuck off. You have no idea what I'm going through right now. Maybe that sounds harsh to a lot of people. But like when you lose someone that you love and especially unexpectedly, okay, so let's back up. So for those of you that don't know, So I lost my brother. It'll be 11 years in November. And actually what happened was my daughter's sailor was born on Monday. This is in 2015. And my brother went missing that Friday. That Friday morning, they found his car in Utah. But they didn't find him. And so there was a two week period where I felt like I was on unsolved murder mysteries, like that TV show, right? Where you're trying to. piece it together. My mom, I was living in Chicago at the time. My mom was like, I don't know, 30 minutes from me. And so my mom would come over. And I think the only way for us to process it,

obviously, and by the way, at this point, we're still holding out hope. Like, until you have a body, I think the natural thing to do is to hold on to do a little bit of hope. And, but the way my mom and I would sort of process it is we would be like, trying to. And, but the way my mom and I would be like, trying to track his steps. So let me back up. My brother at the time, my brother always struggled with drugs and alcohol. And it never seemed like he could never really kind of get his life together. And he always seemed really unhappy, quite honestly. And he was bipolar, kind of went undiagnosed. Like they diagnosed him when we were, I was in elementary school. No, sorry. Yeah, I was in elementary school. So he was in middle school. But my dad sort of convinced him not to take anything. And so he

never, he never was on medication. And so he, and if that goes untreated, as you get older, it only gets worse. So he would have these manias, these highs, these highs. And then he would get really, really low, right? And it was always this cycle. So in these manias, he would get really paranoid sometimes. and he had gotten himself so worked up that a gang was out to get him. Like he slept with a girl who, I don't remember all of the details, but like he was worried that this woman was tied to a gang and now the gang is out to get him, right? So he hadn't slept all weekend. And he got in his car from California.

and he was driving to Chicago to come spend Thanksgiving with my mom and I and my family. And on his drive, he pulled off the highway in Utah, Moab, Utah, and crashed his car, airbag went off. He left his car running, left his phone on his car. And what we think is, because he thought he was being followed by a gang, he bolted, right? Like he crashed his car and he got the fuck out of there. And where he was was in the middle of nowhere. My mom, my dad, my stepdad, and my ex-husband. We all went out to Moab, Utah.

When was that? I can't remember. Maybe it had been two or three years. And we all went out there with actually one of the officers that found, with the officer that found him and we retraced his steps actually and we put a plaque on the rock that he was found on. But anyways, but that's how I know these details. So, so anyways, so I personally think what happened was he got out into the middle of freaking nowhere. By the time he even thought like, shit, I should get my phone or I should do something.

I think he got lost and I don't think he knew how to get back to his car. long story short he ended up dying of hypothermia and it's interesting because when you die of hypothermia when the hypothermia starts to set in your mind tricks you that you're really hot like you start thinking that you're really hot so he was taking off his clothes so like when they found him what happened was they actually started finding articles of clothing and those were like the breadcrumbs to then where he was. And they did, they found him without any clothes on, which is just like, oh, it's crazy, right? Like, that's a crazy fucking story. And they didn't find him for two weeks. So you know what's interesting is like, I truly think my brother is in a much better place.

Like I wholeheartedly do. He wasn't happy here. And I feel him around all the time. And so to me, it makes me think when we die, it's not the end. And we can get to that in a minute. But I think for for me like the hard part was how it went down and I kept thinking he was probably so scared out there it's hard for me to talk about no because that's the part that just like really fucks me up and I always I talk about every time I talk about my brother I always like it was really hard for me right to lose my brother but like from my mom and my dad I can't imagine losing a kid I can't even let my mind go there because I I've said this before, but I don't know how you would recover from that.

I think anyone who's lost a kid, I just, I don't, I don't know. You have to dig so deep to try to keep going. And that's just a reality that I can't even imagine for anybody. But anyways, so there was that two-week period where we were trying to like understand his thought process. And also when he cried, when they found his car that Friday morning, no one, really rang the alarm because we all sort of thought, okay, well, he hadn't slept in a few days. He's probably at a motel sleeping. He'll call us when he wakes up or whatever, you know?

And of course, we didn't get a phone call. Now we're tracking his debit card and his credit card. And then there was a gas station that had a video of him going in and buying Red Bulls. So, you know, we're like, truly, like I felt like I was on one of those TV shows. And then we're, now he's been missing. So, and then it was finally Sunday. And my mom, I remember my mom saying, this isn't, this isn't right. Mike's not just at a hotel sleeping or like trying to go underground or like, we're like running every scenario through our heads.

My mom knew. So, you know, and they say like the first 48 hours is the most crucial time for any, any kind of, I think any sort of like murder or, but I think even with like a missing person, like any sort of case, those first two days are crucial, which then we had just lost. And so, but then that's when my mom, my mom knew. And my stepdad went out to Utah and was helping everybody look for him. The search and rescue team was out there looking for him. But it took two weeks, you guys, two weeks.

And I had a brand new baby, right? So like, that high and low was so crazy. And in fact, when they found his body, I'll never forget this. I was sitting on my couch. I had just hooked sailor up to my boob to breastfeed her. And my dad called me. And my dad told me that they found his body. And it was like, oh my God.

I can't. It's hard for me to even go back and think about that stuff. But like, when you get that phone call, you'll never forget that. Your whole life changes in that instant, you know. And it just is crazy. I don't know. I think probably in the back of our minds we knew. But like until you find that body, you just hold out hope. That's another thing I've thought about is anyone who has had someone go missing

when you haven't found that body, that is another thing that I don't know how you would move on from. To not have an answer. Like, what? I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. So at least, at least we got to have an answer, right? Like, we got to know for sure. I want to talk to you guys about JS health vitamins.

I've been hearing so much about burboring over the last few months that I really wanted to check it out for myself. And that's what led me to JS health vitamins, burbering. Burbering is supposed to be really great for gut health. It's also a lot of people swear by it for cholesterol and heart support. It helps regulate blood sugar. and therefore then it helps with weight management. And I don't know, I can tell you that I've been feeling really, really great the last few months.

Actually, probably the best I have ever felt. Their burbering features Barbavis and is clinically backed for four times better absorption than standard burbering. In a 12-week clinical trial, 70% of participants lost more than three inches from their waistline. participants also reported a 58% improvement in unwanted food cravings and a 40% improvement in appetite control. You're definitely going to want to check them out if you have not already. Go to jshealth vitamins.com slash honest and use code honest at checkout for 15% off your order. Again, that's code honest at checkout for 15% off your order at jshealthitamins.com slash honest.

Okay, I'm excited to talk to you guys about branch basics. These days, it's easier than ever to optimize your health. You can track your protein, your steps, and even your sleep. But here's something most of us never think about. What's in the cleaning products we use in our homes every single day? Most of us make it a habit to read nutrition labels, but flip over a bottle of all-purpose cleaner and you might be surprised to see what's listed or not listed at all. That's because unlike nutrition labels, companies in the U.S. are not required to disclose every ingredient in household cleaning products. Well, that's where branch basics comes in. They wanted to make cleaning products that were truly human safe,

so they created a line of plant and mineral-based solutions to tackle every job in the house without harsh chemicals. All of their formulas are free of fragrances, dyes, synthetic fillers, phallates, and hormone disruptors making them safe for use around kids, babies, and pets. The starter kit is the perfect way to test out all of their products for yourself. Plus, they make it easy. You can subscribe for refills, so you don't have to keep purchasing new products and you don't have to think about it. So are you ready to try Branch Basics for yourself? Get 15% off any starter kit at BranchBasics.com with code, honest.

Fashionistas, let's talk Sam Edelman. There is truly nothing like Autumn. It's my favorite time of year, whether you're commuting to work, leading that upcoming meeting, going out with your friends for a night out. Sam Edelman has the style for every occasion. All your fashion essentials, from handbags to ready to wear, Sam Edelman has you covered. Sam Edelman dresses you for every occasion and every great outfit starts from the feet up.

Whether you prefer the elegant Bianca, the iconic hazel, or the new Teigen and Tallulah, there's a heel height for every moment that delivers confidence and comfort. Or if you prefer flats, their signature style, the Allie Ballet and the Lorraine Lofer continued to be timeless essentials. They also just launched a men's collection with elevated footwear, timeless style, and quality craftsmanship with modern essentials. That's perfect for your boyfriend, your brother, or even your dad this fall.

Visit them at samedalman.com to explore everything you need for fall and you can get 15% off with code honest 15. Again, that is samedalman.com and use code honest 15 for 15% off. Everyone's talking about gLP ones right now, but there's another side of the conversation. Supporting your body's own natural gLP1 response without a prescription. That's exactly what makes Pendleum Metabolic Daily so interesting. Pendleum Metabolic Daily is a science-backed probiotic designed to support your body's natural

GLP1 response, so it helps you feel full or longer, experience fewer cravings, and makes it easier to stay on track with your health goals. Just one capsule a day with food. Some customers report noticing fewer cravings and more energy in as little as a week, though of course individual results may vary. And right now, Now, my podcast listeners can save up to 48% off their first order at pendulumlife.com slash honest. That's pendulumlife.com slash honest to save up to 48% off your first order. Again, that's pendulum, P-E-N-D-U-L-U-M, Life.com slash honest and get almost half off today.

But so, okay, so let's talk about grief. So then the grief sets in. And grief is a wild thing. I used to say grief felt like a drug to me. And what I mean by that is when I was grieving, like, I didn't fully feel like I was here in reality. And I remember I didn't want to talk to anybody that didn't understand what I was going through. Like in a lot of ways for me, it was really isolating. And I couldn't just like...

pretend, obviously, like, everything was fine. And grief is weird because it's a roller coaster. Like, truly one minute, you can be totally fine. And then it comes and fucking smacks you out of nowhere. Also, I had three little kids. And it was like, I, which actually now looking back was probably the best thing for me because I couldn't just crumble. I had to be strong for my kids. I had to show up day in and day out and be a mom. Like, I couldn't. There wasn't another option. And, but it, but yeah, it, it felt a little disorienting. Like I wasn't fully, like I just wasn't fully here. I was like on another planet almost. And I know I've said this on the podcast before too, but it's almost like the first portion of grief.

And I think they do say this. But it's like, you almost like don't believe it. Acceptance hasn't set in yet. And so it almost doesn't feel real. And I know like with my brother, it was like, I didn't talk to him every single day. Right. So it wasn't like all of a sudden my, my daily constant was gone. It was more year three hit me the hardest. And unfortunately, my mom. mom had already been through this. My mom lost her brother the same age, which is kind of crazy. I don't like that. I don't like that that has been the same for us. I really hope that breaks for my kids generation, because I can't even go down that road. But I remember my mom saying, and my mom actually, she also lost her dad. And my mom lost her mom not long before my brother too. Like my poor fucking

mom, God. It's not a lot of loss in her life. But I remember my mom saying, like, yeah, year three, it's almost like that's when acceptance really hits you because now you know they're not coming back. This is the new norm now. Like, he's gone. I haven't talked to him in a long time and I'm feeling the absence of him now. And I don't know. I guess I sort of thought like year three, you would almost kind of be out of it, but no. That's the, that's the craziest part about grief. It is, it's a roller coaster. It's, it's always evolving. You never know when it's going to hit you either. I can tell you, it's been almost 11 years for me, right? Does time heal all? I don't know that time heals all, but I definitely think time, time does make it better without a doubt. I mean,

I can have a conversation about my brother in my daily life and not get choked up. I mean, listen, I think it's different. Like I'm sitting here recalling the events that happened. That's hard to do. But normally I can talk about him. And I do talk about him. And my kids and I will talk about him. We like to keep Uncle Mike alive just in conversation.

And my mom and I talk about him. And, you know, I'm not like, I'm not weird about it. There was a phase where there was a couple years where I didn't want to talk. talk about it and it was almost more like I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to make the other person uncomfortable. Like, you know, it comes up in conversation of like, oh, how many siblings do you have? And there was a, there was a period where I did not. I did not want to answer that question. I did not want to go. I did not want to be like my brother passed five years ago. Like I, I don't like or I didn't like that sympathy. I don't like being on that end of things.

where now I'm okay to be like, yeah, you know, I had a brother and he passed 10 years ago. Because I no longer also, I also think I'm in a different place in my life where I realize, like, I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Like, if someone's going to be worried about that, whatever. Like, that's on them that has nothing to do with me. And I think just like full acceptance and like where my heart has healed a lot, you know, it's like I'm okay with it. But there was that period where, God, I didn't, I just didn't even want to go down that road.

I also think losing someone close to you, for me, really jump started my spirituality. I always, my whole life, questioned everything. Like, I was raised Christian and my mom, like, my mom was big into it. We would go to church, but only like Easter and Christmas. Like, we didn't go every Sunday. But it was a part of my life, but not a big part. But my dad was more Buddhist and more spiritual. So I think because I had that lens, it made me kind of question things.

I also just innately, like, I didn't know if I, I just like couldn't fully wrap my head around the religion aspect, right? So, but what happened was with my brother passing and me getting so many signs from him, what that did was it opened up my whole world to where is he? where do we go when we die? Because if I'm getting all of these signs and my mom was getting signs, my dad was getting signs, my kids were getting signs, if we're collectively getting all of these signs, well, that means there's an afterlife. He is somewhere. And if we're energy, well, energy never dies. So where does that energy go? Can he hear me? Like what I like I started questioning everything. And then I was like, because if it is the end when we die, what is the point of all this? Like, what are we all doing here? This can't just be the end because to me, that just like didn't make

sense. So I think grief changes you forever. You will never be the same. And I actually think that's a good thing. I think it can be a good thing. I think if you can, like for me, I, I just, I'm really grateful that it took this unfortunate, like, traumatic fucking thing to happen. But for me to, for it to spark my spirituality and this, I mean, this is almost 11 years ago. Like, it's changed me. It is fundamentally changed who I am. And I think my brother would be really proud of that and really happy. And I think on the other side, he is really happy to see where it's taken me. And I can tell you doing hypnotherapy and any time I've talked to mediums or anything, he always comes through. Like I know that my brother is my guardian angel. I know he's

my kid's guardian angel. And I know he's around still. And that gives me a lot of peace. And so here's that I'm going to tell you about signs because I know that's hard for a lot of people to believe. And again, unless you've experienced it, it is kind of hard to believe. And so here's what happened. So right when my brother died, we all had, well, my dad had this, I guess she's a medium. Is she a medium? Yeah, I guess she's a medium. This woman in L.A., who I had spoken to a few times as well.

And she said, because we all talked to her really early on, because it also. So when you're grieving, you're looking for like any sort of connection or like answer, right? I think a lot of people find comfort in that. And I know that for sure my family and I did. And so we all talked to her. And so I can't remember if she told my mom or my dad this. But she said that Mike specifically wanted those little gold coins at this. We didn't do a funeral for him. We did like a celebration of life for him instead in Laguna with, you know, all. of his friends and family and everybody. And so she said he wants all, all those little gold coins there. And she said, and when you have a gold coin, if you hold it and there's light reflecting on it,

like to think of him. Like, that's like him saying hi. Okay. So that happens. Okay. Is what it is. Yeah. We'll get gold coins. No big deal. Okay. So we're in Laguna for the celebration of life. And my mom goes to the grocery store. and she goes home or to her hotel and she's putting away her couple of groceries, you know, and she, like, you know, throws the bags. And she, like, throws one of the grocery bags to the side. And she was like, oh, there's something else in there. She opens up this grocery bag and there is a cross, like a big cross in this bag.

And in the center of a cross is a gold coin. So we're all like, oh, my God, you know, it's a sign from Mike. Like, that's, that's so cool. And I know skeptics would be like, well, maybe they're, I actually don't know what skeptics would say because I'm sorry. You can't argue that across in a grocery bag and it happens to have a gold coin in the center. Like, come on. That's so cool. So then, you guys, but we had so, there were so many signs.

And I remember my mom said, you need to write all of these down because you will forget. And God damn it, my mom was. she write, I never wrote anything down. I do remember a good chunk of them, but I wish I wrote everything down. That's my advice to you. If you're getting signs and you're early in the grieving stage, write it down because you're going to want to look back on it and you will forget some of them. Okay, but another one was, so in Sailor, so Sailor's a newborn baby, right? So in Sailor's nursery, underneath her changing her changing table, I had these little twinkling lights, right? Like little twinkling lights. And to turn these twinkling lights on, you had to press a button. Like it,

you had to grab this little thing on them and press a button. Okay. It wasn't easy. It's not like a light switch. It's not like, like you had to press a button. This is right after I found out that he passed. I was in there changing her diaper and the lights just turned on out of no And here's what I tell you I know that was a sign from my brother because right before my brother passed, he told my mom he was at his apartment and from his bedroom he could see a light, an outside light, you know, like a street light that had always been out. And right after my grandma passed, the light went on and was flickering when he was looking at it one night.

And he felt like that was my grandma saying hi. So he had this thing about light. And so that's, and he knew my mom told me that story. So that's why I think him turning on Sailor's little twinkling lights was like a little, a little high. Let's take a minute to talk about Ladder. Maybe you don't know what to do at the gym. That's very common, right?

Or maybe you're just tired of doing the same random workouts or different moves that you see on YouTube or Instagram and you're not getting any results. Well, Latter gives you a real plan from an expert coach. Ladder is an expert strength training plan, not a content library. You get a new plan every week that builds on the last. And it feels like you have a coach right there with you. It can work for any strength training style you prefer, whether you like Pilates, bodybuilding, at home dumbbell only.

If you want to just focus on your glutes, whatever you want, they have. I love this because you can just shut your mind off. You can get a really good workout, having a coach telling you a exactly what to do to get the results that you want. So remove the guesswork with Ladder and get a real coach in your ear telling you exactly what to do for every workout. No thinking, everything planned for you. If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit slash honest and take a quick quiz to find your perfect ladder plan. Use my link and get a free seven day trial with no credit card and $10 off your first month if you join. Parents, you already know, but this one's for you. Let's chat,

Haya. With the holidays creeping up, the last thing any of us want is our kids or ourselves down for the count right before the big family trip or the school concert or whatever's on the calendar this year. That's exactly why I love Haya and included it in my daily routine as a parent. It's quick, easy, pairs great with breakfast or the car ride to school and helps me brace for the onslaught of cold months ahead. Another thing I love so much about this in addition to peace of mind knowing my kids are getting all of their nutrients is that it just shows up at my doorstep. have a subscription, it's one less thing you have to think about as a parent. And if you've got teens in the house too, Haya just launched a teen daily multivitamin. It's honestly overdue in this

category. It's not just a bigger dose of the kids formula. It's built specifically for that next chapter, ages 13 and up. It packs 15 plus vitamins and minerals and bioavailable methylated forms B12, B6, and folate in the forms. The body doesn't have to work as hard to convert. They also have vitamins to support bone health during those big growth years. It's zero sugar, sweetened with monk fruit and it's got that same refillable glass bottle and decal pack as the rest of the hya line. It's zero sugar, sweetened with monk fruit, which we all love. I've worked out a special deal with haya received 50% off your first order on any of their products. To claim this deal, you must go to hiahealth.com slash honest. This deal is not available on their regular website. So go to

H-I-Y-A-H-E-A-L-T-H-H-H-com slash honest and get your kids the full-bodied support they deserve. Wayfair has it all. So whether you're refreshing a room, maybe you're replacing something that's worn out, you're upgrading an appliance, or you're just giving your home some best of flair for the holiday season. They have you covered. Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand vetted by product specialists using a 10 point quality inspection. We recently got Saylor a new dresser from Wayfar. And listen, if it can stand up to a 10-year-old girl who does not take care of her stuff. These products really are great quality. She loves it. It's so cute. It's white with little gold handles. It looks so adorable in her room.

I know I'm browsing this site right now for all of the holiday decor. The weather dropped in Nashville. So I am officially in fall season. I'm ready to lock in Halloween and then Christmas right around the corner, of course. So I'm eyeing all things holiday decor. Find pieces made for real life and get even more value with Wayfair rewards. You can join Wayfair rewards today. to get 5% back on every single purchase. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

Wayfair, every style, every home. So there were stuff like that. And then another good one actually was my dad was at like a, some retreat or something. I don't know. But this is after my brother passed. And my dad in the morning, he was like up really early for like this retreat. And it was like pitch black in his room.

And his phone lit up like someone had texted him. So he looked at it. And it was Mike's text messages were on top. Mike Cavalry. Well, hi, guess what? He hasn't had a text from Mike in like over a month, right? Why would it be at the top? So it's at the top.

and when you clicked on it, where you type, like where he would type, it said pop, which is what my brother used to call my dad. Okay, also, wait, I've got two things in my, the, okay, oh, oh, here's another, okay, there's so many. Here's another thing with the coins. I had gotten a brand new makeup bag, brand spanking new. I had never used it. And I went to Charleston for a wedding. And I was, getting all my makeup out of the bag, and I found a gold euro in that makeup bag. Mind you, at the time, I had not, no, hold on. I was going to say I hadn't been to Europe. I had, but not for years. Like, I didn't have your gold euro coins laying around my house. There was no freaking way this coin could have gotten in there. Okay, so that was another one. Okay, also, so then, by the way,

A lot, those were pretty immediate, right? Like earlier on. But then over the years, I wish I had a date on this. Over the years, I have gotten other ones. So what was this? I can't remember if this was a comment on Instagram, a DM, what it was. But I remember this profile. stuck out to me. And when I clicked on this profile, the name is Scooby-Duby 4-61. That's like the Instagram handle. But then the name underneath, oh my God, chills. It's made me cry. The name underneath the photo is Mikey C. And it is a picture of a man that looks like him. It's like from the side profile. And in the photo, it says reality. what? So I told my mom this and my mom went to go look it up and she's like that account doesn't

exist. I'll show, I'll put this up on the thing. I'll send us to my producer so you guys can see it. You guys, you can't. It didn't exist. My mom was trying to find it and she couldn't find it. The fact that the photo says reality, like what? What? It's so fucking cool. That's so cool to me. And then another one, I had gotten an email. And fuck, I wish I remember what the email said. This is why you have to write this stuff down. But I have this screenshot in my phone because when I went to look at the contact of this. And by the way, it probably didn't really say much, but me being like, what, who is this?

And I click on it and it's Michael James. Michael is spelled M-I-C-H-E-L, so it's spelled wrong. but Michael James and the email is JA. Michael, again spelled wrong, 7566 at Gmail. I have it right here. I screenshot it. You guys,

you can't tell me that those are not signs. And by the way, those are very my brother to be like, like, make it like, I don't want to say make a joke of it, but like do funny shit like that or like cool shit like that.

Like however you want to look at it, it's just, it's very, him, which I love. So my point with this is, be open to signs, ask for signs. Another thing, okay, we're just knee-deep in signs right now. Okay, so then years later, right? I was reading the book Signs, and it is also written by a medium. And it basically says we can all receive signs from past loved ones. We just have to be open to it and we have to ask and we have to be specific. So, okay, I was like,

fuck it, I'm gonna try it. So I said, let me see a butterfly. But like an obvious butterfly. I was like, I don't want like a little butterfly. Like I want a butterfly to like smack me in the face and be so obvious that this is a sign. Okay? And I think I was also sort of,

I was talking to my brother. The next day, I am on my front porch with Sailor who is probably a year and a half. She's little. No, no, no, no. Sorry. She's probably two and a half three.

And the FedEx truck comes up. And as the FedEx truck comes up, a butterfly, the size of my head, is circling me and I am going. Sailor's a baby. Right. So she doesn't get it. But I'm like, Sailor, oh my God. Oh my God. I was freaking out. Freaking out. I had nobody there to confirm it other than Sailor who has no idea what's happening, like, has no idea why I'm freaking out. Then I was actually filming very cavalier. That's what it was. I, because I remember this.

Like a day or two later, I'm filming very cavalry. And I'm outside waiting to walk into scene, right? Until for them to give me my cue to, like, go in. So I'm just like pacing around outside, looking at my feet. And all of a sudden I see a shadow of a butterfly. Huge, huge butterfly. And I look up and I'm like, oh my God. These butterflies were the biggest butterflies I've ever seen in my entire life.

And then you guys from there, butterflies everywhere. And I mean sitting on the tarmac on a plane. One of you ever seen an insect in your window. Oh, well, let me tell you something. I have, I've seen butterflies in my freaking window sitting on the plane waiting to take off. Like that doesn't happen. What? Shit like that.

I actually, so I have a little butterfly. tattoo right here. That's why, because butterflies were my sign for so long. And we actually, this butterfly tattoo was a, was from a CAD drawing that we did at Uncommon James. We had a whole butterfly series. This is probably in, I don't know, 2019, maybe 2018, 2019, because it was right around there where butterflies were so meaningful to me. And by the way, that collection, to this day, fucking absolutely crush, like one of the best. And that to me is like so, I don't want to say obvious, but to me, that's also a sign. Like, I think my brother had something to do with that. Okay, so I hope you guys know. Ask for signs and be so specific and you'll get them. You just have to be open. You just have to believe. And you also have to be patient. They will come when you least expect it. When you forgot about it, they will come. I think, you know, I find so much peace in that stuff. And I'm so thankful that we got signs. So many signs, by the way. And so early on.

on, but they have continued. Not as much the last couple of years, you know, but they did continue for years. And I don't know. Maybe not that I'm talking about it. I'm like, maybe I'm going to ask my brother for a sign and see if I get something. Why not? I might as well try. I think, too, like today it looks very different than it did obviously in the first, however many years. But I think the part today that I get upset about or I get sad about is that my kids don't know my brother. You know, like that, that makes me really sad because I know my kids would have loved Mike. And I know that Mike would have been obsessed with them. My boys got to meet Mike. Jackson only one time, though, when he was a baby.

I have the cutest pictures, though, of Cam and my brother. Because there was one, I brought the boys to Laguna. And my brother was living with my dad at the time. But Jackson was probably, God, I mean, he was probably like three or four months old. So he was a baby. He doesn't remember that. But my brother and Cam are like picking their nose and like being silly. And like it's like really cute photos.

And I'm so happy that I have those. But well, actually, if I'm being honest, another thing that like the, this is one thing that I was going to say that I won't will never get over. I have put it to bed. But it's one thing that I wish I could change. That Monday when I was in the hospital and I had just had Sailor and I was texting everybody, you know, I didn't text my brother. And I thought about it. And I didn't text him a picture of Sailor. And I really fucking wish that I did. And listen, it's like, I think everything happens the way it's supposed to. And I can't sit here and live in regret. And he had done some things to kind of push me away for a while. We were actually in a rocky place when he passed.

And I don't think that's something that you can be guilty about. Like I was, I've actually always been okay with that because I know that he, he did and said some things that made me not want to text him, right? But it did cross my mind. And that would be the one thing I would go back and redo is, is. is send him a picture of sailor. I don't know what that means. I don't know if that means you should always, you know, I don't know, try to make amends. That's not even really trying to make amends, but just family is family.

But I really don't subscribe to just because they're family. They have to be in your life and you always have to be the bigger person. I really don't. And again, like, I think it happened the way it was supposed to. And I know, obviously now, like I feel so. connected to Mike that I know obviously like all of that is water under the bridge. It's I don't think when you cross over and you're a spirit here like holding on to that stuff. I think he like fully understands it now. But that's just one thing that I would have done differently. But yeah,

that's the one thing that I just, I wish, I wish he had a relationship with my kids. I wish my kids got to know him. And I also like, it's just me, you know, I don't have any other siblings. And like it's kind of like just me and my mom. And I've thought like if I or I know I'll get married again, when I get married again, I really want to end up with someone who has a big family. Like a lot of brothers and sisters. I want like a bunch of cousins. I want like I want that big chaotic family because I don't have that at all. And listen, like I've got three kids and that's a lot and there's like good chaos and that. But like I want like those big Thanksgiving. where there's, you know, 25 people and it's like, it's like a big party, basically. I don't have

that. And that's kind of about like my kids don't have uncles or aunts on my side, you know? And that makes me kind of sad. But again, like, it is what it is. You know, we all have different things. And there's so much, obviously, for me to be grateful for. But if I had to like think of one thing that, you know, that's the part that makes me the saddest for sure. But, you know, I do think, like at the end of the day, grief is, it's so hard. And listen, it's different for everybody. And you know, like my brother was the first person in my life that I lost. That I was, like, really I was close to and like had a real impact. The only other person, I lost my uncle when I was in sixth grade and grandparents. But it's different. And not to discredit grandparents and uncles and stuff like

that, but I think your immediate family, obviously, is much harder. And I think an unexpected death, listen, I'm not, I'm not trying to say one is worse than the other. I'm just saying, like, I, for me, my brother rocked me in such a way. And like I said, I am a forever changed person where, like, my uncle passing didn't change me, right? Like, it just didn't have the same effect. And while it is so hard, it is life, which is like, fuck. We're all going to experience it at one point in time. Like, everyone's going to die. And that's just a really harsh reality. And I think if we can look at it and focus on the good. And I think it's really important to remember the good times and keep them alive in.

conversation and remembering how, like with Mike, like how funny he was. He was so funny. And I don't know. I think acceptance is the hardest part of it. But when you can finally get over the hurdle, I promise it's easier. But when you are in the midst of it, it's a drug. It really is a drug. But I think that's the key. I think it's remembering, remembering everyone through a positive, good lens and time really does make a huge difference. If you're in the middle of it right now, just, just know that. It will. It does. But listen, if you've lost someone and you understand what it feels like, my heart goes out to you. And, you know, I guess it is unfair that we all have to experience this at some point. And then, you know, I'm, it's great if you don't have to

until you're older. And it's like, you just start losing people because of old age, you know. But unfortunately, a lot of people have a story about this, about someone. close to them that they've loved, that they've lost. And it's heartbreaking. But ask for signs, guys. I think focus on the positives. So I don't know. That's all I know. But I love you guys. My heart goes out to everybody. I really appreciate you listening, especially to this episode. And I will see you guys next week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.