Let's Go To Court! - 275: A Timber Swindler (and Obsessed Fest '23)

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

Well hello, everyone! We recorded this episode a few days after we returned from Obsessed Fest ‘23. … Though it’s probably more accurate to say that we recorded this episode a few days after we *fled* Obsessed Fest ‘23. Eh, tomayto, tomahto.  We talk about Obsessed Fest quite a bit in this episode, but if you’d like more information about what happened, we have two recommendations:  First, we recommend listening to the latest episode of the podcast One Dry Kiss. Their episode, “Obsessed Mess, Mischief MisManagement and Amazing People and Podcasters,” is a firsthand account of what the weekend was like for attendees.  Second, we recommend listening to the latest episode of Rabia and Ellyn Solve the Case, titled, “About Damn Crime: Obsessed Fest.” In that episode, Ellyn Marsh, Rabia Chaudry, Joey Taranto, Maggie Freleng, Daisy Eagan, Amber Hunt, Harris Lane and Ashleigh Gibson share their experiences from the weekend. If you like receipts, this is the podcast for you. By the way, if you listen closely to this episode, you might hear Kristin cover a timber swindler. It’s a troubling story about a man named Ralph Raines, who was exploited by a “psychic” named Rachel Lee. Over the course of ten years, Rachel took nearly everything Ralph had. And now for a note about our process. For this episode, Kristin read a bunch of articles, then spat them back out in her very limited vocabulary. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to the real experts who covered these cases. In this episode, Kristin pulled from: “Psychic Fiend’s Network” episode of American Greed “Sweetheart Swindle” episode of 20/20 “How a psychic stole millions of dollars from an Oregon timber heir,” by ABC News “Phony wife in sweetheart swindle, who bilked millions from Gaston tree farm heir, gets prison,” by Bryan Denson for The Oregonian “Daughter of Oregon psychic pleads guilty to helping bilk millions from Gaston tree farm heir,” by Everton Bailey Jr. for The Oregonian “‘The Sweetheart Swindle’: Rich older bachelor targeted by family,” True Crime Daily  YOU’RE STILL READING? My, my, my, you skeezy scunch! You must be hungry for more! We’d offer you some sausage brunch, but that gets messy. So how about you head over to our Patreon instead? (patreon.com/lgtcpodcast). At the $5 level, you’ll get 53+ full length bonus episodes, plus access to our 90’s style chat room!  

One semester of law school. One semester of criminal justice. Two experts. I'm Kristen Caruso. I'm Brandi Pond. Let's go to court. On this episode, I'll be talking about a tree farm. Ooh.

Ooh. Hello, everyone. Ha ha. Ha ha. We just got back from woodstock 99 and boy are we yeah boy are my arms tired oh my oh hello everyone hi hi folks had a weekend in dallas i know most people have no idea what's going on. If you want to know, so we did Obsessed Fest again this year. If you want to know how that went, there is a podcast called One Dry Kiss.

First of all, the ladies of One Dry Kiss, we got to meet this weekend. They were wonderful. They were lovely. Typically, they are a rom-com recap podcast, but they've taken the time to do a special ObsessFest recap episode. And it is wonderful. It's top notch. They do a great job of recapping everything that happened. I do have a criticism.

They mentioned my sister twice. And now Kyla is a monster. Her head is huge. She's wearing sunglasses all the time. Don't look me in the eye. Yeah. It was a time. It was a time.

Things happened, and we were there. I don't even know what to say. I don't either. I mean, we really felt like the dudes playing the instruments on the Titanic. Gentlemen, it's been a privilege playing with you this evening. So everyone, we'll just

do a very, very quick. The reason you might have heard about Obsessed Fest this past, well, time is a construct. Who knows when this comes out. It's going to be like a week later. Old news. Anyway, there was an altercation.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. It was an altercation, and obviously we don't have the full details of the altercation. What we do know for sure is that it was handled in no way. Yeah, it was not handled at all. We as guests kept being like, okay, so they're going to email us and be like, you know, hey, just so you know, everything's being handled. Or yes, there was an altercation, you know, not super detailed.

Yeah, just a little heads up, a little basic information. That did not happen. And so we left. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Skipped the drag brunch, which is just,

it was painful. Devastating. It was devastating. First of all, I had a great dress picked out. I also had a wonderful dress picked out that no one got to see. It was very sparkly.

I saved my one sparkly thing. Boy, uh-uh-uh. And you know what? I'll make no secret about it. I wanted a fucking mosa. Mosa. Oh, damn. Hold the meh.

I wanted a mimosa. Light on the orange juice. Heavy on the Prosecco. Yes. Anyway. Anyway, so it happened. We loved meeting everybody. Oh, my gosh.

We met so many amazing people. We had an amazing live show that we had the best time doing. Except for when Brandi sang Christmas Shoes to the audience. I think everyone hated that. Everyone loved it. There was a mass exodus. Wait, that was later in the day, Saturday. Sorry. I believe there was a standing ovation if my memory

serves me correct. I don't think it does. I do want to say, so Sunday morning when we made the decision like, okay, we're not getting any kind of like. Heads up about anything. Basically, and the funny thing is, the bar for me was not high. I basically wanted someone to just communicate with us like, hey, just so you know, there's an adult in the room. Exactly.

That's all we wanted. Yeah. And when nothing came through, to me, with my PR background, it's like, okay, when nothing comes through, that means. Nothing is being done. Yeah. That means we're burying our heads in the sand. Yep. And sorry, no. Yep. No.

But the funny thing was, was I was in my full body spanks. Yeah. As you and I were on the call. So I looked like Mrs. Doubtfire but I was saying the thing that Sally Field says where I was like, we've got to go. No. We've got to go. We've got to go. I have to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave right now.

We have to go. I have to leave. That's very much what our phone conversation was from our hotel rooms that morning. Were you in your Spanx? I was fully dressed. Oh, wow. Yeah. My Spanx were on, but they were covered by my fucking sparkly dress.

Damn it. It was short. Well, now you're just making stuff up. Now that no one sees it, you're like, it was actually very colorful and brave and sparkly. It was sparkly. It was kind of a graphite color. Not quite black.

Light black, if you will. We're going to check that off as colorful for you. Yeah. Flouncy. Flouncy skirted dress. You are kidding me. Nope. And it was very cute.

Well. To wear it to some other event. Well, what kind of good grief? Exactly. We're screwed. I would wear it to a live show, I think. Okay. So I guess we'll have to have one of those.

Yeah, I guess so. All right, fine. All right, we're doing it. We'll do it. Sometime. Okay. All right. So anyway, we're going to get into our case.

This is the case. So we did have a live show. It was an hour long, and apparently people kept saying beforehand, like, wow, only an hour. How are they going to do a whole case in an hour? We didn't. We didn't, is the answer. I was the one person. And it's not because I took up the

time singing Christmas Shoes. That was a one person. And it's not because I took up the time singing Christmas Shoes. That was a necessary addition. Yeah, we had time allotted for that. No, actually, I sang that while people were coming into the room because the doors were never opened for our event. So there's that. What? Just for the record, we don't have a tinfoil hat on about that. No, we don't.

No, it was just an error. Somebody didn't get the message that it was time to open the doors to the theater. And the whole world was punished by Brandy singing Christmas Shoes. So I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson. No, but yeah, for some reason, I was the only person on God's green earth. Who thought you were going to get through that? I really did. You really thought you were going to.

Yes, because when I'm nervous, I speak faster. But you didn't. We, I mean, we had a, I think, okay, I believe. Okay. It's because we stood. We did stand. We stood for this show and it felt so good. Like, it felt like the first time.

Okay. Calm down. The very first time. All right. All right. Anyway, long story short, all you fine folks at Obsessed Fest got a teaser of this episode. And I'm sorry you didn't get the full thing. I know it was the most dramatic thing that happened that whole weekend.

But, you know. Now she's going to whip her tits out for all of us. How dare you. Here we go. So what are you going to do? Are you going to be all big and phony? Like you're trying to react like you haven't heard this before? No, I'm going to go natural.

You're just going to go natural? I'm going to go au natural here. All right. Which is how this is my au natural. Okay. Multiple shirts. How many pairs of pants you got on? here, which is how this is my all natural multiple shirts. How many pairs of pants you got on? Just one pair of pants, but a full coverage

undie beneath them. Very good. Very good. Okay. Shout outs to an episode of American Greed, an episode of 2020, and the court documents, baby. I don't know

why I felt the need to make it sexy, but it's just what I bring to the table. It doesn't feel sexy to me. Excuse you. It feels like Dick Vitale. Then why are you so turned on? Dick Vitale always says baby like that. Who's Dick Vitale? He's a sports commentator.

Well, we have no room to talk about him here. That's ridiculous. I'm going to move my mic. I apologize. Nobody can hear it. Because of these fancy boom arms we have. I was apologizing to you. Oh.

Because I meant you were going to have to be quiet for a second. Well, I wasn't. All right, picture it. Gaston, Oregon, 1958. Gaston is a very small town. It's about an hour outside of Portland. And it's a nature lover's delight. Lots of trees.

Trees everywhere. Birds chirping. Brooks babbling. I was expecting you to chirp like a bird. Oh, I'm sorry. What a letdown. Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. I'm not the to chirp like a bird. Oh, I'm sorry. What a letdown. I'm not the least bit fooled. That's an excited bird.

That's a bird going down a water slide. You know, London has gotten to, we have a lot of roundabouts in my town. Yes. Traffic circles. Yeah. Every time we go through one now, London goes, wee. That's the cutest thing. It's so cute. Because when I go through one. Now London goes, Whee! That's the cutest thing! It's so cute! Because when I go through one,

I'm like, Oh! I'm always convinced I'm going to get hit. A man named Ralph Raines looked around and he got an idea. What if he bought up some land

and started a tree farm? He'd call it Raines Tree Farm. It is such a good name. It is a good name. Hey, that's a good name. Okay. Yeah.

Now, if you got a name like this. Not real adventurous. Oh, okay. Rain's Tree Emporium. That's adventurous. Okay, what do you have to do to be an Emporium, though? Nothing. What do you mean?

There's not like a legal requirement to be able to call yourself an Emporium. Seems fancy. Why aren't we the Let's Go to Court podcast Emporium? All right, let's do it. People would have a lot of respect. I declare us an Emporium now. Oh, my God, I feel fancier already. Should I stop shopping at Costco?

You could never. I could not. He and his wife, Helen, and their 11-year-old son, Ralph Jr., started the tree farm. Not Emporium, because they weren't fancy like us. They planted a ton of trees, mostly Douglas firs. Not that you give a shit. I do care deeply about the Douglas. I don't.

I don't. It's fine. I'm disappointed that they're not using them for Christmas trees. Yeah, that was Brandy's kind of first question right out the gate at the live show. If she hadn't interrupted with that question, I would have finished this story just fine. Oh, yeah. Okay. I do have finished this story just fine. Oh, yeah. Okay. I do have to pause.

And I'm sorry for anyone new here. We're a tangent-centric podcast. Oh, yes. This is a tangent-filled podcast. But one of my favorite things from the live show was, so David and Norm, first of all, they were dressed exactly alike. Literally, they wore matching tracksuits. Because we declared them certified hunks, and we wanted the certified hunks who threw T-shirts into the crowd to be dressed alike.

Duh. We don't have to explain this to you. You get it. Obviously, you get it. So, you know, we're up there. We're telling the story. It's clear. I'm nowhere near finished.

And the wonderful woman who was kind of running things behind the scenes came up to Norm and Dave and was like, is she aware that she has eight minutes left? Is she going to finish up? And they were like, yes. We feel very confident that they're somewhat aware of the time up there. You know what? We did finish on time. We did.

Sort of. Anyhow, over the course of several decades, the tree farm grew to 1,200 acres. That's a big-ass tree farm. Sure is. Yeah. And it was unique in that it was a sustainable tree farm. They didn't go around just whacking any old tree. You can't say that.

Yes, you can. Whacking any old tree? That sounds like a dendrophiliac. What's that? Someone who has sex with trees. Oh, you can. Whacking any old tree? That sounds like a dendrophiliac. What's that? Someone who has sex with trees. Oh, my God. Did I make that term up? I feel like... Now I'm going to have to Google it.

That's going to be my Google history. You're pretending that you're maybe not sure about the term. And I don't blame you. I would also feign some ignorance here. It's from Can't Hardly Wait. You're saying the movie Can't Hardly Wait invented tree fucking? No. I'm not.

How does fucking a tree work, though? What? How does fucking a tree work, though? What do you call someone attracted to trees? Well, attracted to trees. I mean, I'm drawn to them. Dendrophiliac. Oh, okay.

Okay. Now I've got more questions. Brandy. Brandy. Yes, okay. You're not sticking. Yeah, you're sticking your dick in a tree. There could be a squirrel in there. Well, I think maybe you probably check for squirrels first.

But you... And protect your nuts. Okay. Okay. Everyone should be so proud of that. There could be anything in those little... There sure could. And I...

Is that part of the fun? That probably is part of it. I don't know because I am not personally attracted to trees. Well, you certainly knew the term. As everybody who listens to this podcast knows. Maybe she doth protest too much. No. Okay.

In Can't Hardly Wait, Lauren Ambrose's character wrote it like on a bathroom wall. Oh, yeah. And then Seth Green was like, I don't even know what that means. And she was like, it means you have sex with trees. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. right I'm I'm back with you okay so anyway funny you mention uh people doing weird stuff to trees odd transition here you should know that anyone was welcome on the property

great anyone anyone any old tree fucker. No. Well, I mean, they didn't specifically say those people are not welcome, so who knows? They had a sign posted at the entrance

welcoming hunters and hikers at the same damn time. That sounds wildly dangerous. Yeah. Yeah, I would think so. Yes. Mm-hmm. Don't worry.

I mean, this story's not about that. I know it's not, but it could easily be. Honestly, when you told us that at the beginning, I thought that it would go in that direction. You know what makes me terrible? Is that you included it for misdirection? Yeah. Yeah. I did.

Uh-huh. Yeah, we know. You don't know. Oh, I... You were shunned. No. Shocked. No. Disagrined. Dis, we know. You don't know. Oh, I. You were shunned. No. No. Disagrined.

Disagrined. Did I make up a word? I don't think that's a word. You were a dendrophilia. And I wasn't. The Rains family lived on the property in a modest, in a modest foam. It was actually a home that was not made of foam that they built themselves. For his entire life, the tree farm was where Ralph Raines Jr. lived and worked.

What did he go by? Junior? You know, I don't know. Everything called him Ralph, and I'm including junior and senior just for clarity's sake. I just wondered if they, you know, because David's a junior and he's always gone by David. Yeah. But his dad went by Dave.

And that's a fun fact for everybody. Everybody jot that down. I'm glad we took a second to think on that for a moment. It's wild how much money his family has. What? I was going to make a Wendy's joke, Dave. Oh, I thought you were going to make a Pond's cold cream joke.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Yeah. Can you imagine the scandal that you're married to the heir to the Pond's cold cream fortune and you wear your makeup to sleep at night? It'd be the biggest scandal there ever was. Yes. Yes.

Okay, Patty, we might cut all this because this is ridiculous. I don't know. Time will tell. The only time he didn't work on the tree farm was when he fought in Vietnam. And as soon as he got back from Vietnam, he moved back onto the tree farm.

He actually lived in another property on the tree farm. It was, this is totally unnecessary to include. Why am I including it? I can't stop now. Okay, keep going. So the original people who owned part of the land, that was the Lee family, and they had kind of, I mean, not a great house, but he moved into that. It didn't have reliable heat, water, or electricity. I remind remind you this is in oregon yeah that all those things sound necessary i agree but i mean i think ralph's kind of a i almost called him rough and tumble he's like a living on the land type of guy yeah he he plants trees for a

living so he's a survivor man you know what if I had to go out in the woods with somebody, I feel like Ralph would. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of the vibe I get, too. Eventually, in 2001, Helen passed away, and so that left Ralph Raines Jr. and Ralph Raines Sr. living out on the property together. That couldn't have been easy. The relationship between Ralph Raines Sr. and Jr. was complicated. Sr. was this very tough World War II pilot, and he had certain expectations for his son.

And Jr. didn't meet those expectations. And that's because Ralph Jr. was a little different. He really struggled socially. He was very naive, super trusting. He wasn't dumb. In fact, if he found a subject that interested him, he wanted to know all about it. He would become an expert in that topic. OK, so I want to pause here. I always feel so weird kind of going down this road. I know exactly where you're going with this. Yeah, it seems like he's probably on the spectrum. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. And he was just kind of born at a time where like, I mean, not that we know a ton about it now, but just like the way he's described, it makes me think like that might be what's going on here. And I am a doctor. I actually thought about this a lot after the show. Yes.

You know what? And I didn't mention it at the live show just because I was worried. Anytime I'm like, oh, there's some. Speculating about somebody's medical condition or. Yeah, and maybe he doesn't have anything. Maybe not. Going on. And I'm just pulling that out of my ass.

But, you know, I'm worried about saying that. Yeah. To a live audience and not being able to have Patty come in and erase it from their brains. Correct. Individually. Which we do have the technology. Just Patty wasn't there at the time. That's right.

Yeah. Anyhow. So in regard to him, like really going deep on a certain topic, he loved the tree farm. He didn't care at all about the business side of it, but that was okay because his dad handled the finances. What Ralph Jr. loved was planting trees. You know, it was dirty work, it was hard work, but it always made him feel really great at the end of the day. He knew like everything there was to know about trees he could talk about trees for hours another thing he loved would be friends wow wow you know i think with your um knowledge about dendrophiliacs,

you might be like, oh, yeah, I suppose I'll come over and hang out. I mean, I'm not interested at all, but I guess I'll hang out. And then all of a sudden you're... What? Nothing. What?

Nothing. I was going to ask a question that I don't want the answer to, so I'm just not going to ask it. Well, consider me intrigued, but all right. Another thing he loved? Psychics. By the time he was in his late 50s,

he estimated that he'd been to more psychics than most people had been to shoe stores. That's a lot of psychics. I've been to a lot of shoe stores, though. Maybe most people haven't been to as many shoe stores as I've been to. Still. I mean, we're not all living the

brandy lifestyle. I just like shoes. I know you do. Yeah. So, one day in 2004, Ralph Reigns Jr. came across a new psychic shop. And of course, he had to stop in. He walked in, and that's how he met Rachel Lee.

Professional psychic! Mm-hmm. What? Okay. Mm-hmm. Mm. What? Okay. Rachel was beautiful. And she was a bargain. Do we like a bargain or no?

Yes, we love a fucking bargain. All right, get a load of this. She only charged $10 per reading. That is really cheap. It is. It is. It sounds almost. What?

Too good to be true. Oh. Oh. It is. It is. It sounds almost. What? Too good to be true. Oh. Oh. Part of. Really? All right, Keith Morrison, you just calm down. Part of Rachel's specialty, and I am quoting from one of her commercials. You saw her commercials?

Yes. Or did I? It's been a long... Did I just see it in court documents? I don't want to lie to the people. Okay. You read a transcript of one of her commercials? I might have in the court docs.

You know what I'm saying? Like, this is a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, ma'am, I've had a hell of a weekend, okay? I wouldn't know I wasn't there. Brandy died from embarrassment. Nearly. I did see a bunch of posts online that were like, I bet Brandy is just dying inside.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So that was. It was very nice that people thought of me during that. I apologize for the tangents, but I do love how well people know us. Oh, yes. Because there was stuff online that was like, is Let's Go to Court going to say anything?

Are they going to say anything? And someone was like, if anyone says anything, it's going to be Kristen. And that is exactly what happened. I said something. Brandy, of course, knew I was going to say it. Yes, yes, yes. I let her know in the most fabulous place in the world, Bucky's gas station. We were at Bucky's having ourselves a good time.

And I was like, just so you know, this is what I'm about to post in our Discord. Yeah. Yeah. And then Brandy exploded from secondhand embarrassment and we pieced her back together. Yeah. And here we sit today. That's right. Anyway, thank you all for knowing us so well.

So well. Anyway, thank you all for knowing us so well. So well. So part of Rachel's specialty, and am I quoting from a commercial I saw, from a document I read, from a feeling I got when I went on a walk through the woods? Who knows? But the quote is that she could, quote, help you find success in love, business, and life. All the things. You go to Rachel, you're going to live, laugh, love.

Yeah. All the way around. Obviously, in order to do that, she needed to learn about Ralph. So she asked him about himself, and he told her everything. He was 57 years old. He lived with his dad on his family's tree farm, and he confided in her that he was lonely. He wanted friends, and even more than that, he wanted a family.

His one big disappointment in life was that he'd never gotten married and had children. Mm-hmm. To be fair, Ralph didn't do all the talking. Rachel also shared some stuff about her own life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it turns out she was also very lonely. Don't make that face. It's rude. Okay.

Her parents had passed away, so don't you feel like an asshole. Also, her husband had died of very real cancer. The realist kind. The worst kind husband had died of very real cancer. The realist kind. The worst kind. Yes. The very real. No one wants the real cancer. She'd taken care of him in his dying days.

Sure. Do you have any apologies you'd like to make? No, I will make no apologies. Interesting. Okay. So now Rachel was just a sad, lonely, orphaned widow. Uh-huh. Ralph and Rachel talked for hours, which is a hell of a deal considering she only charged him $10.

Yeah, that is a hell of a deal. She's getting fucking intel from him so she can just come in and fuck up his whole life. You seem like the energy you're bringing right now is kind of the energy I brought when I found out that you got this amazing dress for like $7. Yeah. Yeah. I'm never happy for anyone else's bargain. I want my own bargain always. Yeah.

You looked great in that dress. Thank you. Always. Yeah. You looked great in that dress. Thank you. At the end of their session, Rachel was like, you know what? I would love to see your family's tree farm.

It would be a hoot to get out there and have you tell me all about the trees. Ralph was thrilled. He's just looking for people to talk to trees about, so. Talk to trees about? Talk to trees about? Talk to about trees. Yeah, I did say that backwards. No, I don't fucking care. Let the people hear my fuck up.

Wow, who are you? I don't know. I've been pieced together. Not even myself anymore. So that's what they did. Ralph took Rachel out to the tree farm, and he showed her around, and Rachel was like, Wow, this is so great. I'm learning so much from you. Tell me more about the trees.

And as she said that, it was the strangest thing. Her pupils turned into dollar signs, and her eyeballs jumped out of their sockets, and they... You want to hear something fun? I sure do. For the next two years, Rachel and Ralph spent a lot of time together. As friends? Yeah. Yeah.

Or lovers. Not lovers. Sometimes they presented as a couple, but I was about to say in reality they were friends. No, in reality they were not friends, but you get the idea. She became his closest friend in the world. And what do you do for your closest friend in the world, Brandy? Do you remember? Buy them gifts.

Yeah, specifically what? Watches. Uh-huh. Rolex. Uh specifically what watches uh-huh rolex you're forgetting the big ticket item oh car a hummer a hummer yes that's right i forgot i still haven't got i've been a little busy um the hummer i'm gonna let it slide. All right. But what I want, just so we're totally clear, those car commercials, they have a hold on me. So when you get me the Hummer, and I am expecting it. You want a big bow on it. Duh.

Obviously. Duh, obviously. Yes. Equally as important as the car. Can you imagine me in a Hummer? No, I can't imagine you in a Hummer. Anyway. You'd take out small children, probably.

I mean, I'm not safe in any vehicle. Rachel introduced Ralph to a whole new world of helpful people. For example, she introduced Ralph and Ralph Sr. to her friend Blancy. That's not a real name. I assure you it is. Actually, no. Maybe. Who knows? Who fucking knows? I think his her friend Blancy. That's not a real name. I assure you it is. Actually, no. Maybe. Who knows?

Who fucking knows? I think his name's Blancy, but I wouldn't bet my butthole on it. I'm glad you've gotten smarter about your butthole. Thank you. Well, I lost it, and I'm trying to learn from the experience. What would Blancy be short for? That's too long. It's not short for anything. No, no. His name's like Blanford, and he goes by Blancy be short for? It's not. That's too long. It's not short for anything.

No, no. His name's like Blanford. And he goes by Blancy. His name's Blanche. But he felt like it's a little bit too feminine. So he goes by Blancy. I mean, Blancy feels feminine to me. I agree.

Yeah, so. He's not quite as feminine as Blanche, though. Fair. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. You were mad at the live show that his name's Blancy. It's still Blancy today. Blantholomew.

Blanathan. Okay. Blanthew. I am putting an end to this. Blanthewa. The important thing is that Blancy was not Rachel's boyfriend. Blanted. Okay. You know that Blancy was not Rachel's boyfriend. Blanted. Okay.

You know what Blancy was? A handyman. Oh, right. You were trying to think of another ridiculous name, weren't you? No. I was going to say what he really is. A jerk. Oh, wow.

Hey, language. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Brandy's got her cursing pants on. Yeah, that's right. So, Ralph Jr. hired Blancy to do some projects around the tree farm. What kind of projects? Okay, well, he fixed the deck.

How much did that cost old Ralph Jr.? I don't know. Okay. But I know he fixed it. Uh-huh. And, you know, he was a handyman for several years. That was the only project that I saw that he did. Okay, great.

Uh-huh. Now, Brandy, I bet you're thinking, oh, this Rachel. Oh, she's just a one-trick pony. All she knows how to do is be psychic. Mm-hmm. You're wrong. Mm-hmm. You're wrong. You're wrong.

She was also a bookkeeper. Sure. Hey. Sure. Hey, you're going to feel like an asshole. You ready to feel like an asshole? No. She had been the bookkeeper for her very real dead husband's very real auto repair shop.

None of this is made up. Don't worry about it. The very real husband who died of very real cancer. Yes. Got it. Okay. So, I mean, when you think about that, she's really a personal finance expert. Don't you agree?

I do not. Don't you agree? I do not. Oh, my God. That was really handy because Ralph Jr. was super comfortable doing manual labor around the tree farm, but he didn't know much about investing or accounting. In fact, all of that stuff intimidated him. Great.

Don't worry. Let's have Rachel do all of it. Yeah. Get her little grubby hands. Hold on. Hold on. One thing you should know, he does have an accountant. He does?

Yeah. Yeah, I didn't go into that at the live show, but this man has an attorney and an accountant. He does? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't go into that at the live show, but this man has an attorney and an accountant. Okay. You're making faces. Could you tell me what's going on in that big, beautiful, recently put together brain of yours? Who's the accountant i can't remember the man's name okay but just but he has an accountant okay so maybe some of the stuff that's about to happen gang i know i know you're not sniffing any foul play here but um an accountant didn't pick up on this odd behavior odd money stuff that's about to happen? Hmm. Let's see.

Oh. What? Nothing. So, yeah, as you pointed out, Rachel helped him out with the bookkeeping. Yeah, really helped him and helped herself to his money. What? Yeah. She told him that he should invest in real estate, specifically a four-bedroom, 4,600-squ600 square foot home in a very nice neighborhood in Portland. And you know what? Just don't even worry about it

because she's going to live in it for you, too. Well, Brandy, no big deal. I mean, it just makes good sense. How? Let me explain. OK, so first of all, everybody calm down. This is a bargain. It's only nine hundred and fifteen thousand dollars. You were. This is a bargain. It's only $915,000. You were worried it was a million. It's not, so don't worry about that. And you know what? Let me explain something to you. It's a long-term investment, okay?

So it's going to have to sit for a while. But you want someone taking care of the home, okay? Perhaps living there and, I don't know, paying, what do they call it? Rent. Oh. Well, that's not necessary. Oh, okay. But it is necessary for Rachel and perhaps her good friend Blancy who, you know. Blantholomew.

Blantholomew. Who's now maybe a boyfriend, maybe not. Also an assortment of their family members. Yeah, maybe they all move in there. And, you know, Ralph doesn't want to live there. He loves living on the tree farm. So win, win, win. Yeah, everybody wins except for Ralph because they're stealing his money.

Ralph agreed to the plan and they closed on the new house or, as we should say, Rachel's new house on Valentine's Day of 2006. Great. Don't look at me like I'm Rachel. So romantic I'm not conning anyone out of anything So you can just stop looking at me like that Life was good Rachel and Ralph were best friends

They supported each other through good times and bad Did they have those heart necklaces? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, everyone. We met two women Friday night wearing what? I don't think it was Friday night. It might have been. No, it was Friday night.

You're right. I apologize. Yes. Wearing Bigfoot heart necklaces, best friend necklaces. They assured us that they were juveniles. Yes. And we had to agree. That's right. They were quite small on those necklaces. Best friend necklaces. They assured us that they were juveniles. Yes. And we had to agree. That's right.

They were quite small on those necklaces. They did look small. They did tell us where they got them. Yeah, I know where they got them. Little rooms. Oh, excuse me. All right. Very good. Maybe I've got them in my shopping cart right now.

Oh, my gosh. Oh. You know, someone's birthday is right around the corner. Instead of getting me the Hummer, maybe you just get me that necklace. Yeah, maybe. That's a lot of good ideas. So they're supporting each other. Hmm.

And then in October of 2006, Ralph Reigns Sr. had a stroke. It was really bad. He needed round-the-clock care, and Ralph Jr. was very overwhelmed. All of a sudden, he was the boss. He was in charge of the tree farm, and he was in charge of finding a caretaker for his dad. He didn't know what to do. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. Thank God for Rachel. Am I right? No!

She was like, don't worry. I'm an excellent caretaker. Remember when I cared for my dying husband? I could do that for your dad. Great. Thanks, Rach. Also, if you need help with the business, I could pitch in with that, too. Ralph couldn't say yes fast enough. in with that too. Ralph couldn't say yes fast enough. So Rachel began taking care of Ralph Sr. at a salary of nine grand a month. Jesus. Which I don't know what you get paid in that position. I mean, they said he needed round the clock care. So I would hope, but it's not the same person for the whole 24 hours, right? No. Yeah, ridiculous.

But I feel like if you were getting nine grand a month for that, there'd be a lot more people in that profession, right? Yeah, probably. But if you're like, hey, maybe she was being underpaid, don't worry, because she was also the bookkeeper, remember? And she actually paid herself. And sometimes she messed up and accidentally paid herself twice or even three times a month. Mm-hmm. Pobity's nerfect. Okay. I always say.

Ralph Jr. was really happy, but he still craved what he'd always craved, a family. He wanted to meet a woman. And holy shit, are you ready for a love story? Brandi, you look like you're not ready for a love story. I'm not interested in this love story. Picture it! Baby, just say yes.

Finally, a Taylor Swift lyric from you. Yes! Yes! Bit of a deep cut. Thank you. From a long long time ago. I can still remember. Okay. Oh, now you're just showing off.

You know, I go back to December all the time. So it's October of 2007. We're at the Portland International Airport, the sexiest place on earth. Okay. Ralph Jr. was on his way home from a timber convention.

Do you think the Weyerhausers were at it? What? Probably, right? The Weyerhausers? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Brandi, I don't have the memory that you have. I apologize.

Go ahead and fill the people in. The Weyerhauseusers from the old kidnapping I did a few episodes ago. George Weyerhaeuser was kidnapped when he was nine years old. Grew up to be the CEO of Weyerhaeuser Timber Corporation or whatever the fuck it's called. Not an emporium, I can tell you that. No, it's not an emporium.

Keep working, boys. One day you'll get there. I'm about that. But yeah, I imagine somebody from a Weyerhaeuser company was there at that timber convention. There's not going to be them about that. But, yeah, I imagine somebody from a Weyerhaeuser company was there at that timber convention. I mean, definitely, right? Because, like, there's not going to be a million timber conventions. No. There's probably one, and you better show the fuck up.

Yeah, and I bet the representative from the Weyerhaeuser company was there. All right. Well, that's an exciting detour. See, this popped into my head during the live show, and I was like, probably shouldn't mention that. You're a pro, Brandi. You're the best in the biz. I've said it many times. So as soon as he landed, he called his BFF, Rachel, because, you know, she's his ride home.

And she said, okay, you know, just sit outside on the smoker's bench. I'm on my way. So Ralph sat down,, oh, my Lord. A beautiful woman sat down beside him. Yeah. Ralph had a thing for blondes. And this one was blonde. Great.

Super blonde. How blonde was she? Mmm. You know what? I'm going to describe her a little more, and I'm going to do something I didn't do at the live show. I'm going to show you a picture of her. Oh, I would love that. Okay.

Okay, so first thing you got to know, very blonde. So blonde. Okay. Also, the shiniest hair you ever did see. Almost too shiny. And I know that's controversial. Can hair be too shiny? Well, you're the expert.

What do you think? Hmm. I don't know. I have to see her hair, I guess. Okay. She was real youthful, too. Alarmingly youthful. Oh, good.

If you want to know my opinion. Because Ralph is, what, 50-something? Yeah, so he's probably in his 60s by this point. Okay, good. If you want to know my opinion. Because Ralph is, what, 50-something? Yeah, so he's probably in his 60s by this point. Okay, great. Hang on. I'm going to pull up that picture. Okay. Thoughts, comments, concerns?

I have so many concerns about the picture of this man with his granddaughter. No, stop. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. First is that that hair in no way looks like her natural hair. Right. Right. Okay.

Okay. She also looks very young. Yeah. But you know what? We don't judge on this podcast. That's right. This is just like a Planet Fitness. It's a judgment-free zone.

And we love an age gap. The bigger, the better, we say. So this beautiful blonde young woman is sitting next to him, and she locked eyes with Ralph and she said, Hello. Shit. I forgot that we have to listen to you doing a British accent. Get to.

I mean, get to. Excuse me. Begging your pardon, love. But are you called Ralph? Oh, no. And Ralph was like, yes, my name is Ralph. How did you know? She said, I'm a little bit psychic.

Nope, she didn't. Oh. She said, I'm a wee bit psychic, love. Okay. Just with certain people. I'm sorry. It's so uncomfortable for me. What is?

My amazing British accent? No, your British accent's good. No, it's not. I will say, though, my imitation of her British accent is not bad. Spot on. Uh-huh. So, you know, Ralph's excited. He's met a psychic.

She knew his name. And how is it that she knows Rachel? Shut up. What? No. This is not an accident that Rachel told him to go sit on this bench and he meets a young, blonde psychic. Excuse me.

She just popped over from cheery old England. Uh-huh. I think jolly old England. Oh, joery old England. Uh-huh. I think Jolly Old England. Oh, Jolly Old England. Please don't question me. Or her. Or Rachel. Okay.

Or Blanchford. Blanchford. So then she blows his mind even further. She says, I think your birthday is. And then I didn't write his birthday down, but, you know, she said the right thing. Right. Because she's psychic, not because she knows Rachel. So calm down.

Not because Rachel fed her the information. Cool. She even told him some stuff about his relationship with his deceased mother. And that really blew his mind. This woman was totally psychic. Ralph asked her about herself, and she explained that her name was Mary Marks. She was from England, love. Also, psst.

Psst. What? Can you keep a secret, Governor? Oh, boy. She was living in the United States illegally. Yeah, yeah. Kind of in a tight spot. She was visiting Portland to spend some time with her brother, meet some clients. But she spent most of her time in California, where she worked as a bookkeeper. Oh, really?

Yeah. time in California where she worked as a bookkeeper. Oh, really? Yeah. Great. I'm glad we got another bookkeeper entering the equation. You know, I loved at the live show how there seemed to be such hate for bookkeepers. I didn't know people wanted bookkeepers to go eat a dick.

Weird. Yeah. Almost. It's really just like in this circumstance where it's very clear that they're about to steal Ralph's, I almost call it a Christmas tree farm because that's what I want it to be, out from under him. So it's not universal hatred for bookkeepers in general. Interesting. Okay. It's shady bookkeepers, which I believe Rachel to be. And I'm pretty sure Mary Marks over here is another one.

No, you're wrong because she's a QuickBooks whiz. She said it herself. Ralph was so into her and the feeling was mutual. No, no. What? She really looks young enough to be his granddaughter. Absolutely. Absolutely.

They began dating. And then Mary proposed. Mary proposed to Ralph. Yeah. Progressive. Mm-hmm. Here's the thing. Was it like a, did she do like candles and like flower petals?

I don't think it was quite, no, I don't think it was. Did she hire a photographer to take some candids while she was down on one knee? No, no, no, no, no. Well, actually, okay, let me be totally honest. I don't know the details of the proposal, but I do know. Starring Sandra Bullock. of the proposal. But I do know...

Starring Sandra Bullock. But I do know that they told Ralph that this needed to be kept a secret. So, no, I doubt there were pictures taken. You know, this was secret. I believe he was also told that this was a green card marriage. So I think he did go into it knowing that, that this was just something to make sure she was able to stay in the country.

So there's that aspect, but there's also the fact that he loved Mary. Yeah. And he wanted to marry her. He certainly trusted her. He was very excited about this. So they got married. And since Mary was an expert with QuickBooks, he hired her to join Rachel as one of his bookkeepers. an expert with QuickBooks, he hired her to join Rachel as one of his

bookkeepers. And as we all know, bookkeepers are the worst people on the planet. Things were going great for Ralph. And then they got a whole lot better. Because Mary came to him and she was like, I think we should have a baby.

And Ralph was like, absolutely. Yeah, that's what he's wanted his whole life his whole life only he's like what 60 men yeah men men as long yeah i know this do you know this i do okay but how old's mary Don't worry about it. Too young. Age ain't nothing but a number. Okay. I was going to say too young to be banging her grandpa. Ew, gross. They weren't banging. They weren't.

I know. Oh, I remember. Do you remember this part? I sure fucking do. They decided to do in vitro. Rachel was very helpful. Down and dirty style. That's disgusting.

What are you talking about? Oh, I'm the disgusting one? Everybody, just be prepared. If you're eating something, put it down. If you're at a potluck, walk the fuck away. Put on your Spanx and say, I have to go. We have to leave now. We have to leave now. We have to go now. Rachel gave Ralph a cooking pot in which to make his deposit.

And she packed it in dry ice. And Mary carted that skillet full of cum back to California where she underwent in vitro. First of all, how fucking dare you, skillet full of cum? Don't call me that! I'm just painting a picture. And I would just like to pause for a moment and reiterate to everyone what I pointed out at the live show during this portion is, this is why you don't eat at potlucks! You do not know what people are doing with their cookware!

Okay. Continue on. Because honestly, that's the thing. You know they didn't throw this pot out. No! That pot has been, they soaked it on up. And then that thing made up a breakfast scramble the next Sunday. Stop it.

Stop it now. How dare you? Anyway, not that you ask, but the in vitro did work. Yeah, it did. Okay. Anyone who's been through in vitro, they're going to feel like, oh, this is familiar. I remember coming in a pot and, you know, taking it to California. I don't think that's how it's usually done.

know, taking it to California. I don't think that's how it's usually done. Okay, so keep in mind, Mary still worked in California. She spent most of her time there. So in December of 2008, she gave birth to a baby boy, and she welcomed that baby into her California home. And then a few months later, she came back to Oregon with the baby, and they welcomed the baby into that home as well. Every home they went into, they welcomed the baby into it.

That's just, these are the rules of life. The little baby was so cute. Absolutely adorable. I mean, honestly. Very cute, yeah. Cutest little boy. Not that little. Yeah, very large for an infant.

And yes, I am body shaming. No, we're not. The age of the child in question doesn't quite match up with the IVF schedule. You know... Never mind. What? I don't know. I was going to make a skillet of cum joke.

Oh, did it seem a step too far? It did. It did. Are we going gonna class it up maybe what about crock pot full of cum oh that's disgusting disgusting walk away from the potluck everyone right now every i just what i just think about dp eating that cake that got left on his desk. Mystery cake. That's the thing that disturbs you most about my dad?

Maybe not most. You're right. It might be the thing I think about the most often. This is what I hate, though. You would have eaten it. I've done that exact same thing before. You have the mystery cupcake, right? Yes. So my dad and I both have been in jobs where we leave our desk, come back, there's a treat on it, a baked good.

We don't ask questions. We eat it. Is it full of poison? We'll find out. Or laxatives. Yeah, I mean. Or semen. Ew. Ew. Why? Why are you like this? Probably. Or laxatives. Yeah, I mean. Or semen! Ew!

Why? Why are you like this? And why did you bring my dad into this conversation, you monster? Anyhow, we're moving on. In addition to this baby being quite large and in charge, he also didn't look anything like his parents. But Ralph didn't seem to notice that. He was on cloud nine. And what was this baby called, as Mary would say?

This is the best part, everyone. Are you ready for this baby's name? I'm ready. You're not ready. They're not ready. There's no way they're prepared for this. This's name no shit no fooling giorgio armani giorgio armani sure giorgio armani ralph loved little giorgio armani there are pictures of Ralph and Mary and Giorgio Armani at the pumpkin patch.

Pictures of what? Are you picturing Giorgio Armani, the designer at the pumpkin patch? Of course! Of course! Just on Ralph's knee. Yeah, absolutely! Pictures of Giorgio Armani

blowing out the candles at his birthday party, sitting on Santa's lap. Yeah. And people are like, Mr. Armani, there are children here. Please make room for them. Ralph was happy, but not everyone was happy for him. For example, some people in town took one look at little Giorgio Armani and they had the nerve to say, oh, hey, that's not your biological son.

Ooh. But Ralph was adamant. Mm-hmm. This was his biological son. Some people also tried to tell Ralph that Rachel was not doing a good job taking care of his dad. Ethel Kelly was a neighbor and a friend of the Raines family, and she sometimes visited the Raines home to check in on Ralph Sr. You know, I did this at the live show, and I have this whole time I forgot about fucking Ralph Sr. Yeah.

I haven't been checking in on his care at all during this time. You're totally irresponsible. I am. No, I mean, there's, here's the thing. When there are multiple players in this con. Yeah. First of all, the person at the center of it is being brainwashed. Yes.

And yet you can't keep track of everything. It's horrible. Yeah. So he's being neglected. Neglected might even be kind. Right. Honestly. Yeah. So he's being neglected. Neglected might even be kind. Right. Honestly. Yeah.

But Ethel Kelly, this neighbor, comes over just to visit and she was horrified. Ralph Sr. was not getting the care he needed. He was filthy. One time Ethel took him to the shower herself and bathed him and she was like, Rachel, you need to watch this. This is how you take care of someone in this condition. Some source said that Ethel had experience in nursing. I didn't quite know what that meant. Like, are you a nurse or are you not? But anyways, she was like, bottom line, she was appalled by this. So she tries to teach Rachel how to do kind of the basics of this job. But Rachel didn't seem to get the lesson.

Another time, Ethel came over and found Ralph Sr. wearing just an adult diaper. Oh, gosh. She caught Rachel not administering his medicine. She tried to talk to her like, hey, you need to get him into physical therapy. Like, he needs some help. But Rachel refused. I don't know if you know this, but that costs money. Yeah. Gets more eyes on him. Yeah. So Ethel is just getting more and more pissed off. And one day, Ethel came over to the house, saw Rachel packing up her car, completely ignoring senior. So Ethel tried to talk to Rachel. And for some reason, Rachel's just ignoring her too.

And so Ethel grabbed Rachel, slammed her against the car and was like, you are not doing right by this man. You are not taking good care of him. Oh my gosh. How old's Ethel? I'm picturing. If you're an Ethel, you got to be on the older side. That's what I'm picturing. There are no young Ethels. I don't think so. Maybe there's some baby Ethels out there right now. Yeah, I mean, I could see it being kind of like a hot, cute name right now, but like there's no middle-aged Ethel, no teenaged Ethels. I don't think so. Okay. Ethel took her concerns to Junior, and eventually Rachel did hire two other women to help with Senior's care. Mm-hmm.

Did she know these women? I don't believe so, no. Okay. That's your first mistake, really, right? Yeah. Because look what happens. One of those women turned out to be a real troublemaker. Oh, yeah.

Like she was like taking real good care and Ralph was kind of rallying and he was going to be just fine. And that's the last thing Rachel wanted because she's trying to steal the tree farm and all the money out from under Ralph Jr. What? And Ralph Sr. needs to be gone for that to happen. Who are you? What are you talking about?

No. What? No, this troublemaker, yeah, she got in there and she was like, oh, hey, Rachel's not taking good care of this man. And so she had the nerve to go to Ralph Jr. and say, hey, these are my concerns. She also went to Ralph Jr.'s cousin, Karen, said, hey, these are my concerns. And then, oopsies, all of a sudden she got fired. Oh, weird. Yeah, but it was for a good reason.

All of a sudden, she got fired. Oh, weird. Yeah, but it was for a good reason. That woman, she stole two antique guns that belonged to Ralph Sr. Did she? No, she did not. Actually, Blancy stole those guns, sold them to a pawn shop. Please keep Blanchford out of this.

Okay. Rachel didn't like all these people breathing down her neck, so she moved Ralph Sr. into the home that, ironically, he had purchased for her. She didn't give him a bedroom. She set up a bed for him in the hallway. Great. This woman is a piece of shit. Yep. When people came over to try to see him, she refused to let them in.

She only let Ralph Jr. in. There is a photo of Ralph Sr. that's just so upsetting from this time. I mean, it's him in this bed. I assume it's in that hallway. And it's just it's so sad. Yeah. That he's not being treated with dignity. I mean, obviously, he's incapacitated.

Like, anyway. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I don't understand how somebody does this. So both of these men were now more isolated than ever before. And then, in 2011, Ralph Raines Sr. died. He was 91 years old. Ralph Jr. delayed the funeral because he kept expecting Mary to show up. Where the fuck's Mary? Busy.

Okay. Where's Giorgio Armani? You know, Giorgio Armani might actually have been at the funeral only because by this time, Rachel was his nanny. Oh. Oh. Okay. Hold on. She's a psychic.

She's a bookkeeper. Yep. Caretaker. She's a caretaker. She's a nanny. So the other sad detail. I mean, it's all sad. Ralph Jr.'s parents, you mean, it's all sad.

Ralph Jr.'s parents, you know, obviously they had this tombstone for the two of them. And around this time, he added his name to it, Mary's name, and Giorgio Armani's name to the tombstone. Yeah. But, I mean, I think that just shows where his head was at. Yeah, absolutely. He was so proud of his family. I believe at some point after this, Rachel got power of attorney. It was a little unclear to me when exactly she made this happen for herself. Yeah.

The power of attorney document was actually drafted and notarized by Ralph Jr.'s lawyer, Michael Moore. I know, right? Michael Moore is this man's name. Okay. Michael liked Rachel. He'd met her several times over the years. And yeah, she'd expressed an interest in dating him, but he wasn't interested. Okay.

Mm-hmm. Right? Oh, boy. I just... Oh, boy. I just. Oh, boy. When I read that part about like he'd met her several times before, it's like, God, this is how people do it. Yep. You stick with people for several years. You make sure you're at all those relevant appointments.

And then I feel like I'm giving someone advice right now. Right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How to pull off a con? Well, it's just it's so gross to me that then when it's time for her to get power of attorney, I say time for her. But, you know, then the attorney is like, well, sure. Yeah. It's a good thing Rachel had power of attorney, because, gosh, there was a lot that needed to be done. So much. You see, Brandy, when a multimillionaire dies and you inherit their estate, you might think that you'd be getting money. Yes, you would be getting money.

No, you'd be so wrong to think that. You've never been more wrong. Rachel and Mary told Ralph that he was broke. He actually owed money. It was the inheritance taxes. That's what it was. It got him. They'll get you every time.

The only way out of this was to sell his beloved tree farm. No, it's not. These fuckers. Yeah. Ralph was devastated. He obviously didn't want to sell the farm, but he trusted Mary and Rachel. And around that time,

Mary made a very exciting announcement. Oh, yeah. She wanted to have another child. Oh, boy. Bring on the skillet. Do you use the same skillet, you think? Probably. It's your lucky skillet at that point, right?

Well. That's a gross thing to say. What? What do you mean, well? Maybe you don't even remember which skillet you used the first time. Oh, I would remember. Also, I would have thrown it out. Exactly.

You never would have used the fucking skill in the first place, Kristen. Okay, that's enough. Yes, that's right. That's right. Ralph was willing to do anything for the family that he'd waited for for so long. So they went through that in vitro process again, and guess what? It worked. Did it?

It worked. Mary was pregnant. Giorgio's little brother or sister coming right along sister i was a girl yeah that's right you know what since she named georgio armani she decided to let ralph name their daughter right he came up with a beautiful name. Kirkland's signature. Oh, it just goes so well with Giorgio Armani. All the top brands. No, he named her Gloria Jean. And he was so excited about the new baby that he got a license frame for his car. Up top, it read Mary and Ralph with a heart between their names and Giorgio and Gloria along the bottom.

Mm-hmm. So with a new baby on the way, Ralph agreed to sell the farm. Oh, fuck. Rachel sold a 56-acre parcel for a little over a million dollars. She sold a 40-acre parcel for a little over a million dollars. She sold a 40-acre parcel for a little over a million dollars. 134 acres went for $1.4 million.

869 acres sold for $8.7 million. Wow. Over the course of one year, the tree farm vanished. Yeah. The companies that bought up the land knocked down all the trees. That was really hard on Ralph. He still had his house on a little patch of land, but that was only because no one wanted to buy it. Mm-hmm.

Then, tragedy struck. A few months after the tree farm had been sold, Mary was like, Oh, no. Mm-hmm. I've had a bit of a miscarriage. A bit? Mm-hmm. It doesn't matter.

You know, it's all bullshit. Yeah, it's all bullshit because the pregnancy wasn't real to begin with. I simply must fuck off back to England now, governor. Stop it, please. Is this worse than Christmas shoes? No. Wait. Yes.

I heard it the other way. Yes, yes, I could tell. Christmas shoes is way better than this. Ralph was devastated. He'd lost everything. But Rachel? Rachel was doing great. You love to see it.

Great. How good was Rachel doing? I mean, how much money do you want? Yeah. The Raines family had like $5 million in investments that they'd never touched. You know, that was just kind of, I mean, they lived so frugally and modestly. You know, they had this big investment portfolio, but. She liquidated it? Oh, sure.

Yeah. Yeah. They didn't touch it, but she touched all over it. Gross. I'm just implying how gross she is. People didn't know. She just molested that portfolio. Hey, what?

Calm down. That's 100% the vibes you were given. I, in a very classy way, implied it. I didn't say it, though. Yeah, she put that money in the corporate account, and she sent huge paychecks to Blancy Blanche Blanchford for all of his handiwork. You know, that deck didn't fix itself, Brandy. Also huge paychecks to Mary Marks, because, you know, that deck didn't fix itself, Brandy. Also huge paychecks to Mary Marks,

because, you know, she'd been an excellent bookkeeper. Yeah. Even though those folks are the scum of the earth, as we've already established. Also, Rachel sent huge paychecks to herself. Oh, really? On top of her, already she's getting, oh, she's probably not getting the caretaker paycheck anymore. Probably getting paid well for being a nanny, don't you think?

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Okay. Also, does anybody want a corporate credit card? You got one. Okay. They bought land. They bought retail space.

They bought stuff. What kind of stuff? Really cool stuff. Glad you asked. They bought a Mercedes Benz. Personalized license plate. All big. Okay.

All big? All big. Everything I do is all big. So douchey, right? Yeah, I don't like that one. No. They bought a Bentley. Let me see how you like this one. This one was Mr. Big. Yeah, I like that one. No. They bought a Bentley. Mm-hmm. Let me see how you like this one.

This one was Mr. Big. Yeah, I like that one. I mean, I still like, if I saw that, I'd be like, what a douchebag. Of course you would. But at least it kind of like, okay, I get where you're going with that. It was all big. All big. I don't even know what the point is.

They bought a white Ferrari. Mm-hmm. You ready for this license plate? Mr. Big One. He's just saying he's a dick now. I mean, that's implied peeing, right? Yeah, absolutely. All right.

I just wanted to make sure it didn't go over anyone's head. I don't think so. Don't worry about Ralph. He drove a smart car. I thought that was a joke when you said it. It was in fact not. It was in fact not. We've got super high end.

We've got a Mercedes. We've got a Bentley. We've got a Ferrari. And we've got a smart car. That's right. Okay. But you know something? And we've got a smart car. That's right. Okay. But you know something?

Life isn't just about buying shit that goes vroom, vroom, and you're boom, boom. Sometimes it's about investing in experiences. Okay? And wow, Rachel and Blancy had some wonderful experiences. Rachel and her boyfriend, Blancy? Well, yeah. I mean, maybe they were dating by this point. What's your problem?

Nothing. What's your fucking problem? Yeah. She's just supporting Blancy with Ralph's money. Supporting Blancy? No. Blancy went and fixed that deck. No.

He hammered away for probably upwards of half an hour. He's probably got a corporate credit card now, too. Oh, I assure you he does. Yeah. They took an incredible trip to Europe. They flew first class to Paris. They went to Monaco. I mean, that sounds fucking awesome. It sounds amazing.

I'm going to do it. Of course. Who wouldn't want to do this? I'm going to swindle some old man to do it. And that is why you've never flown first class to Paris. I mean, that is true.'ve never flown first class to Paris. I mean, that is true. You got me there.

They went to Monaco. Their hotel in Monte Carlo cost $1,800 a night. Jeez. Can you fucking imagine? No! I've never stayed anywhere that cost even close to that. Well, obviously not.

They gambled in the Casino Royale. I've never stayed anywhere that cost even close to that. Well, obviously not. I can't even imagine. They gambled in the Casino Royale, dressed to the nines. Blancy did me personally a huge solid by capturing a lot of the vacation on video. Great. I enjoyed it immensely because in those videos, Blancy proves himself to be a charming insightful man for example he filmed himself walking through the hotel lobby and he said to the camera all i can say is forget about it that's stupid wow i can't believe you didn't laugh at that. Stupid. He delivered the line like he was waiting for a good laugh.

Yeah, I got it. He didn't go over my head. Okay, you ready for another fun moment? Yeah. All right, they partied at a club called Billionaire. Ooh. Okay, so Blancy shot a video of Rachel, and in it she's at the club, down and drinks, and she says,

Hey, Oregon, look where we're at. Not the million dollar, the billion dollar. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I hate it. Yeah. Yeah, these people are awful. But it wasn't all gambling and shopping. They also took in the cultural sites.

For example, at the Louvre, Blancy said, We are here at the Mona Lisa Art Museum. At the Coliseum, he said, Lot of history here. At the Sistine Chapel, he said, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Did you see these videos or did you read about this in the court record? Oh, I saw them. I loved it.

I loved it. His little insights. Yeah. Yeah. He should be a history teacher, don't you think? Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. It's just him showing students pictures of stuff going, yeah, so look at that right there.

A lot of history. A lot of history here. Yeah, every single picture. A lot of history here. It just makes me say, wow, wow, wow. Makes me say, wow. Makes me say, wow. Yeah. They spent more than $100,000 in plane tickets.

They spent more than $300,000 at Nordstrom. Uh-huh. That's a lot at Nordstrom, and that's my favorite store. Oh, my God. I would tear shit up at Nordstrom. Absolutely. Can you imagine? A no-budget trip to Nordstrom. Absolutely. Can you imagine? A no-budget trip to Nordstrom?

Oh, my God. Fuck. Also, everyone, I don't mean to brag to you, but we are now in close proximity to not one but two Nordstrom racks. That's right. We got a second Nordstromrack in Kansas City. Okay, so I saw the billboard on our way to Dallas, and I was like, that can't be right. There's no way.

It's right. It was too good to be true, I thought, but it's true. It's true. Let me tell you something. A couple years ago, when I spent the summer in Iowa, I was like, you know what? I'm bored. I'm going to take myself shopping. So I searched in my phone for the nearest Nordstrom Rack. Kansas City. Oh, shit. Kansas City was the nearest one. And so now I'm thinking, my goodness,

how blessed we are. What an embarrassment of riches. I know. I know. I haven't even been to the new one yet. Neither have I. I'm going to have to go. Maybe we should go and get matching outfits. That would be cute. You looked like you... What were you thinking? You don't want to wear what I'm going to wear, and I don't want to wear what you want to wear.

How dare you? I would wear all black. You would, yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you'd have to go all black for us to wear a matching outfit. I'm not wearing your... What?

Bright colors. I don't always wear bright colors. I'm not wearing your Golden Girl three-piece suit. No, I would actually wear that. I was gonna say my Golden Girl's three-piece pajama set. It's awesome. I would 100% wear that.

You're going to feel like a classy older gal walking around the house wondering where the slice of cheesecake is. Yeah. I say that as if slices of cheesecake are hidden throughout my home. They're kept in the fridge. Mm-hmm. As a gift, Rachel bought Blancy a $64,000 Rolex, which was good because by that point he only had five other Rolexes. That is a very generous gift that Rachel purchased with Ralph's money. Yeah, she actually told everybody that she was buying that for Ralph.

Oh, and then she gave it to Blantholomew? Oops. You know, these things happen. She gave it to Blantholomew. Oops. You know, these things happen. All the while, Ralph Jr. had no idea what was going on. At one point, a neighbor asked him why he'd sold off the tree farm, and Ralph told him that he'd had to do it because of inheritance taxes.

And the neighbor was like, that doesn't make sense. No, it makes no fucking sense. But Ralph was certain that Rachel and Mary wouldn't have steered him wrong. There were a lot of people who could have done something to stop this scam, but they didn't. Yeah. The only good thing in this story is that Rachel and Blancy spent Ralph Jr.'s money so brazenly that it caught the attention of a local detective. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Tell us everything. Enter Liz Crothers.

Bow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Okay. Yeah, that seems appropriate, right? Right. Liz lives in a rural area outside of Canby, Oregon. It's a small farming community, and she drives through, oh, she drives through there every day. For some reason, when I saw that sentence, it just, oh, it was too much. It was like a third Nordstrom rack.

Yeah. I couldn't handle it. Does their sign, like when you enter the town, said, not home yet, but you can be. Oh, my gosh. Can be Oregon. Are you listening? That's wonderful, Brandi. Oh, my.

A free idea. That's right. Our gift to you, can be Oregon. Yeah, so she drives through there every day on her work. My God, on her drive into work, which is in Portland. Jesus Christ. You just drop words wherever you feel like it, and we'll put it together like a little puzzle. Okay.

So on her commute, she always saw this house off the main highway that offered psychic readings. It's kind of this dumpy old house whatever and then all of a sudden it was being remodeled again whatever but then it was like being seriously remodeled like over the course of a year and a half and liz was kind of confused because whoever was doing the remodeling was pouring like stupid money into it i mean they were like totally revamping this little house yeah and then one day liz drove by and saw a white ferrari parked outside the psychic shop yeah and she's like what the fuck who has a Ferrari in Canby. Exactly. This can to be true, she said.

Uh-huh. All right. Well, not all of our jokes are going to land, folks. So at that point, she had lived in the area for like 30 years. And she's like, OK, I have never in my whole damn life seen a Ferrari in Canby, Oregon. my whole damn life seen a Ferrari in Canby, Oregon. Yeah. Technically, this was not in her jurisdiction, but Liz specializes in white-collar crimes, and, you know, she just couldn't help herself.

So she looked at some of the other cars that were parked outside the psychic shop, and she saw the smart car. Yeah. She saw that license frame that read Mary and Ralph. And she's like, hmm, wonder who Ralph is. Yeah, yeah, who's Ralph? You already know, calm down. You already know. So Liz beep-a-beep-a-beep-a on her computer

and discovered that the car belonged to Ralph Raines. She found that Ralph also owned the psychic shop. She did some more digging and found that Ralph had recently purchased a lot of psychic shops and other businesses in Oregon and California. So Liz is like, hmm, this smells like a sweetheart swindle. Yeah. But again, she didn't have jurisdiction. I would really like to know more about what Liz did with this information because it just doesn't seem like it could possibly be true that she got all this information and did relatively little with it. One thing I saw said that she contacted Ralph's attorney with her concerns, but doesn't seem that he did anything.

Okay. I didn't find any mention of her contacting the Canby police. Okay. But again, I'm like, if you've done all this, why wouldn't you just give them a call? I mean, who knows? Yeah. Anyway, bottom line, a while later,

she was at a police training seminar on elder fraud. Oh. Yes. Well, that is poetic. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Would you like to write a poem about it right now? I'm prepared to snap.

I've got some cheese. I've got some American cheese slices down in the basement. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm learning about old people and coming after you. Oh, that's good. That is good! Mmm, yes.

Yes. Mmm. So, yeah, she's at this police training seminar, and during one of her breaks, she starts talking to the guy next to her. His name? Steve Floyd. Mmm. Steve Floyd, huh? Two first names don't trust him. Oh, okay. Okay, that's fair. You want to know his middle huh? Two first names. Don't trust him. Oh, okay.

Okay, that's fair. You want to know his middle name? Yeah. Pitts. No. Anyway. What's Steve Floyd have to say? First of all, let me give you his credentials.

Oh, sure. He was a psychic, but he specialized in bookkeeping. No. No, he worked for the Canby Police Department. Oh, that. Boys, he in the right place at the right time. She's been just dying to talk to him about that Bentley and that Ferrari. That's right.

OK. No one said that she got sassy with him, but I think she got a little sassy. I just I just picked up a vibe. OK. And she's like, hey, you gonna do anything about that psychic shop in your town? Steve. Bitch.

Was Steve immediately defensive? Is his name Steve? Indeed it is. Okay. Patty, please don't cut how long it took me to confirm that. You had no confidence

that his name was Steve. Listen, I'm never gonna trust my memory on anything. So she's like, hey, you need to look into that psychic shop. She told Steve all about what she'd discovered. And all of a sudden, this other woman at the seminar turns around and she's like, did you just say Ralph Raines? I know that guy. What?

I've been on that property. In fact, I used to be a logger. And they're like, hey, no one asked you. What the fuck are you doing here? No, they were very welcoming. This is a logger turned police investigator? First of all, her name's Marlene Olson, okay? And she works for the Department of Justice.

And I'm sick of hearing you talk about it. No, so these three investigators, they brought in this guy, Cameron Wall, who was an IRS agent. And they were like, yeah, go team, this is so cool, we should make shirts. Yeah. Did they make shirts? No. Marlene was like, there's no time.

We gotta get going, guys. So they started their investigation and of course concluded that Were they really at an elder You think I made that up?

convention training course whatever You think I made that up? That is nuts. Okay, let me give you another version of the story. Okay. Liz is at the Golden Corral.

She bumps into Steve. He drops his roll. He's mad. And when he bends down to pick it up, his Can Be Police badge falls out of his pocket. And she's like, boy, am I excited to see you. What the fuck are you doing about that psychic shop? And he was like, boy, am I excited to see you. What the fuck are you doing about that psychic shop? And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am here at the Golden Corral trying to eat a delicious yeast roll.

Yeah. Why do they call them yeast rolls? Because the name stops you from eating too many. Anyway, Marlene's over at the Jell-O station getting cubes of Jell-O. She overhears the whole thing. She's tossing cubes into her mouth? She jumps over the sneeze guard. Sure, slides down.

Does like a hood slide down the sneeze guard. And at first they're mad. They're like, get out of here. We're having this moment. And she's like, I am now part of the log. I used to be a logger. And then she just out of nowhere pops a log out onto the ground. Pops a log?

Pops a log. She's got it in her backpack. I don't know. Pops it over her shoulders, drops on the ground, and then she does that thing where she walks on it. But she's just staying in place and the log spins. And they're like, I guess you are a logger. And they're like, you are a logger! But then the Golden Corral police had to come.

And they're like, ma'am, you are not allowed to be wearing a backpack near the buffet. They bust it open. It's all jello. Tupperware containers. Just skillets. Skillets. Skillets full of cum. No!

They'd been full of cum at one point, but she emptied that out. Now they had yeast rolls in them. Have we taken this as far as it can go i think we know we've not i think it's important that the people know that we did not get to this point in the story during the live show it is so funny to me yeah you can really tell where we're getting to the new material i'm also looking at the clock and i'm like in how in what world did you think you were going to finish this? It's the same world where I'm like, I've never made a bestiality joke in my life. I've never once talked about bestiality on this podcast.

Yeah, it's the same world where I convinced myself that I am, in fact, a classy woman. So anyway, did they meet at an elder fraud training seminar or at the Golden Corral buffet? We don't know. We can't be certain. Who's to say? So, you know, Marlene's like, there's no time for t-shirts. They started the investigation. And of course, they concluded that Ralph had been the victim of a sweetheart swindle.

Yeah. They just. Fucking Rachel. Yeah. I knew she was bad. I knew she was trouble. When she walked in. When she walked in. Yeah. I knew she was bad. I knew she was trouble. When she walked in. When she walked in.

Yeah. Did you even know you were quoting Taylor Swift? I did. I stopped so that I would. Yeah. I was going to say something else and then I backed it up so that I could quote Taylor Swift and impress the pants off of you. I appreciate that very much.

Please put your pants back on. And it's a reward. Very much. Please put your pants back on. And as a reward. They discovered that over the course of 10 years, Rachel Lee and her associates had stolen more than 15 million dollars from Ralph Raines. Holy shit. They discovered that Mary Marks was actually Portia Lee. She was Rachel's daughter.

Mary Marks was actually Portia Lee. She was Rachel's daughter. And she'd been 17 years old when Rachel asked her to meet Ralph outside the Portland airport. That's so fucked up. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. And I have a lot of sympathy for her. So do I. Because anyone who has a parent who would put you in that situation.

Yeah. It's like that movie. What movie? Heartbreakers. Oh, yes, with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes. And Sigourney Weaver. And Ray Liotta.

Mm-hmm. And Gene Hackman. There we go. That's all of them. Covered them all. Gosh, you know what's weird about that? What? It takes place at a golden corral.

That's exactly what I was about to say. The golden corral scene in that movie was wild. I thought Jennifer Love Hewitt could have done more. She just stood at the carving station the whole time. I kept expecting a knife to fly. Oh, well. You know. I didn't see a single person spinning on a log. No. Giorgio Armani was not Ralph's biological son. In fact, he was the son of one of Rachel's other daughters. But Mary Marks was a real person. That was the name of Rachel's mom. I feel like that's such an awkward way of putting it.

That was Rachel's mom's name. There you go. There we go. That's a human way to say it. That was the name of Rachel's mom. And you are the podcaster closest to me whose name is Brandy. And yeah, so they did that because since Mary Marks was a real person who they were related to, it made it easier to kind of move money around, open bank accounts in her name. It's all fucking terrible.

Yeah, it is. So it obviously took them a while to piece this together because they wasted so much time at the Golden Corral. But as soon as they did, they were like, OK, we got to tell Ralph. Yeah. So Detective Steve Floyd went out to the flattened tree farm, knocked on Ralph's door and sat him down and told him the truth. He showed Ralph documentation for all the cars he'd purchased but hadn't driven, all

the vacations he'd paid for but not enjoyed, and Ralph didn't believe a word of it. Ugh. Ugh, so terrible. It's so sad. Yes. It's so sad. It's so sad. Yes.

It's so sad. I think it would be really hard if to be 10 years deep into this. Yep. And you think that you have everything you've ever wanted. Yeah. Well, like, what's his relationship with Giorgio Armani like at this point? He loved him. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's the other thing is like, and obviously videos don't tell the whole story, but there are really sweet videos of him, you know, the baby calls him dad

and he's he's clearly really happy. Yeah. This is such a fucked up thing to do to somebody. Yep. Why couldn't they just go and steal from Walmart or something? Yeah. I don't think they're going to get $15 million from Walmart.

Well, maybe go to corporate or something. So the fact that Ralph didn't believe anything really scared investigators. They'd been somewhat prepared for it. You know, that's a lot to process in one conversation. And especially if you don't have people around you who you can really process it with, it'd be damn near impossible. By this point, Ralph had a new attorney. So they reached out to him and the attorney was like, OK, let me see if I can talk to him. Yeah. But this lawyer couldn't get a hold of Ralph. And that freaked him out. Yeah. So he's like, and rightfully so. He's like, holy shit, is Ralph about to get murdered? Right. So

he got on the horn with anyone who would listen. And he was like, look, you've got to find these people and arrest them right now. And, you know were like fine and they showed up at the psychic shop in bulletproof vests oh my gosh inside they found rachel and portia their bags were packed like they were about to go on a long trip. Where were they going? Oh, you'll find out. They've gotten rid of their iPhones. Oh, really? Swapped them out for burner phones.

Great. So they're fleeing the country? No, no, no. Why would you say that? Well, that's true. You know how sometimes you're like, this iPhone, this is annoying. No! No!

Agents searched them and discovered that Portia had $36,000 in cash in her underwear. She must have had a real full coverage undie on as well. Well, yeah. So my question, and I'm going to say none of these sources answered it to my satisfaction. and I'm going to say none of these sources answered it to my satisfaction. I'm wondering, is it $36,000 in the undies section of the suitcase or is this a physical search and she's got $36,000 on her body? Yeah, I assumed it was stuffed into her undies on her body. Yeah, that's probably right, right?

Yeah. But $36,000 in cash? Okay, this is how I'm imagining it. Yeah, that's probably right, right? Yeah. But $36,000 in cash? That's... Okay, this is how I'm imagining it. It said it was in a couple different envelopes. Oh, sure. Because, I mean, how could it not be? I think you line the crotchular region of the underpants, almost like a maxi pad situation,

with the envelopes. Boy, what kind of cooties are you going to catch from that well it's in an envelope so still though money's still aren't worried about cum skillet you're right you're right okay what am i saying all right so it's maxi pad 36 grand yeah boy that's gonna be uncomfortable it's gonna be real uncom. I don't think they're getting on a plane. Okay. Investigators didn't initially see Ralph, but they did eventually find him out back in a converted garage. He looked very disheveled.

The IRS agent who'd met Ralph twice before was like, hey, you know, it's me. And Ralph didn't recognize him. He was in a daze. Ralph told the investigators that Rachel and Mary were taking him on a trip to the desert to see Area 51. Oh, boy. Yeah. Isn't that nice? He'd always wanted to go and now they were going to go. They're going to take him to the desert and murder him? I mean, it certainly sounds that way to me. I'm no psychic. Oh.

I'm just a book keeper. That's right. And a caretaker and a nanny and a deck fixer. She does it all. What if now all of a sudden we knew all the words? Right.

The agents arrested Rachel and Portia and Blancy Blanchford Blancheth III turned himself in. Okay. So it was finally time for justice. Yeah. But Ralph still couldn't understand that he'd been conned. He's so brainwashed at this point. He is. That's the word the prosecutor kept using, and I think it's the perfect word for it.

I think there's the other thing, and I think this is just a human thing of, like, when someone is telling you something that you don't want to hear that would be so painful if it were true, I think it's a natural thing to be like, nope, nope, nope, nope. I'm just not going to accept that. Absolutely. In particular, he really could not understand that Mary had never been his wife. So he tried to stand in the way of the prosecution. He wrote a letter to the prosecutor saying, I am not a victim. He begged them not to prosecute of course it was later discovered that rachel had helped him write that letter yeah i haven't my script here but these fuckers needed to pay yeah fuckers pay in 2015 blancy pled guilty to money laundering and tax charges he got a reduced sentence because he agreed to cooperate with the prosecution, you know, track down stolen assets. Yeah. He was sentenced to two years in federal prison. He also promised that he would try to pay back the money.

Did he pinky promise? Because I only believe pinky promises. Sure. Absolutely. We all respect that. Promise to pay back the money. But I think it was 2020 that tracked him down and like he's selling cheese steaks out of a vehicle. So I don't think that's.

Like he's got like a food truck. It didn't. I don't. They didn't say food truck. Or he's like selling cheese steaks out of the back of a creepy van because those are two very different things. Here's the thing. I feel like if it was a food truck, they would say food truck. You don't say food truck.

All right. So you think it's going to take them a while to. Yeah, I think so. To pinky. The payback is pinky promise. Yeah. Because all those cheese steaks are made out of that skillet. That was rude. That was disgusting. Why did I say that? You're the worst, pinky promise. Yeah. Because all those cheese steaks are made out of that skillet. That was rude.

That was disgusting. Why did I say that? You're the worst, Brandy. Yeah. Rachel pled guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud, money laundering, and failure to pay income taxes. Why can't it be illegal to be a huge douchebag, terrible person? This is the worst they can get him on she was sentenced to eight years and four months in federal prison eight years and four months what do you think of that

she ruined his life for longer than that i think that's a very good point yeah and um we'll get we'll get to the end here. But the prosecution was worried because Ralph still hadn't accepted that he'd been duped. Yeah. In fact, I couldn't tell. I don't think they were all sentenced at once. That would be kind of nuts. But at one of the sentencing hearings, he held up his hand to show everyone that he was still wearing his wedding ring.

Oh, boy. everyone that he was still wearing his wedding ring. Oh, boy. When confronted with all the lies that Rachel and Portia and Blancy had told him, Ralph told the court that he hadn't been entirely honest either. He said, you know what? You know, my dad used to accuse me of being gay all the time. And when I first met Rachel, I asked her to tell people she was my girlfriend.

So I'm dishonest, too. You know, he's trying to make it seem like... That's not the same, Ralph! I just feel terrible for him. Yeah. Terrible. The prosecution tried one last thing to help Ralph understand that he'd been conned. By that point, Portia had already pled guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud. But before her sentencing, they asked her to meet with Ralph.

So that's what she did. They're all in this room together. Portia walks in with her shiny blonde hair and her glasses and her British accent. How do you walk in a room with a British accent? We don't know, but she did it. I don't have one, so I couldn't tell you. She took off the glasses, dropped the accent, took off her spirit Halloween wig. A family member who was with Ralph that day said that it was just a shock to his system.

It was honestly more than he could process. He had such fond memories of their times together as a couple. And he asked Portia about him. He was like, what about the time we went out and did was like what about the time we went out and did this what about the time we went out and did that and she's like I don't remember any of that oh my gosh at her sentencing Portia's defense attorney argued that she'd been roped into this con by her mother absolutely she'd played this role because she was afraid her mother would disown her I mean I think that's a great argument. Yeah.

Okay, so the prosecutor was not sympathetic, and she argued that Portia had had many opportunities to stop this con. You know, by the time this con was stopped, Portia was 25. Yeah, I mean, I do agree with that as well, but there's something to be said about she was 17 when this started. She's absolutely under the control of her mother. Yeah. And yeah, I think it's absolutely reasonable to say that she would have a fear of what would happen if she went against her mother. Yeah. I hate what they did, obviously, but I am sympathetic to poor Chet. I am, too. I am, too. She was sentenced to two years and nine months in prison.

It seems that Ralph still struggles with what was real and what wasn't. When he was interviewed about the story for 2020, he was still wearing his wedding ring. When he was interviewed by American Greed, again, he was still wearing his wedding ring. That's the saddest fucking thing. Like, yeah. After all of that, he's still. That's so sad. Honestly, at this point, I'm kind of like.

What does it matter? Let him believe what he wants to believe. If it makes him feel better. Yeah. He gets to hold on to this, like, he got to have his family and... I mean, his feelings were real. Absolutely his feelings are real. You know?

Absolutely. I just hate this for him. Yeah. Absolutely hate this for him. Yeah. He says he is embarrassed by what happened and he doesn't like to talk about it. But at the same time, wants rachel and blancy and portia to get out of prison and do well okay now are you ready for the truly shocking twist

yeah okay ralph had been wearing a wig the whole time no no. Rachel was an experienced swindler. Yeah, no fucking shit. I mean, no shit. But, okay, this... She wasn't really a psychic. Yeah, that is the shocking twist. No, this makes me so mad. She had been sued for this shit before.

Wow. So, she'd been sued for it. So just, you know, I'm throwing that out there. Yeah. But let me also tell you this other thing. In March of 2014, right around the time the investigators were closing in on everybody, a new man walked into the psychic shop. And, of course, he fell in love with Rachel.

Of course. to the psychic shop. And of course, he fell in love with Rachel. Of course. He'd known Rachel for nine weeks when he decided he was going to marry her.

They had rings picked out. Yeah. This man was in his late 60s. He worked as a school custodian. And you know, he's excited. He's got this fiance. You know, I'm sure he went in and probably said a lot

of what Ralph did about, like, I'm lonely. I'm looking for companionship. And oh, my gosh, here's the solution. I believe he also co-signed on something regarding a Mercedes. I can't remember. I didn't write that down. But, you know, of course.

Yeah. So he tells people about this because, again, he's excited. And one of his co- coworkers was really concerned about it. She's like, this is just not adding up. I'm kind of worried here. So she went to the police and told them everything that she knew. Now, luckily, Rachel was arrested soon after all that for what she did to Ralph. But she was absolutely about to do this same thing to this other guy.

And do you want to know the weirdest fucking thing? Yeah. He lived on 20 acres of wooded property worth about $4 million. Wow. She's a timber swindler. Oh, that's, wow, that's, Damn, you're full of good lines today. Thank you. Thank you.

I really enjoy having a podcast with you. And that is the story of a serial sweetheart. Tindler? Timberswindler. Timberswindler. You just said it. Yeah, the Timberswindler. Iberswindler. You just said it. Yeah, the Timberswindler. I can see the Netflix documentary now.

Call us up, Netflix. We're available. Holy shit. I don't know what we're going to do. Yeah. Watch it. So you say it's going to be out in the spring? All right.

I'm going to jot that down. Thank you. Appreciate the call. call oh my gosh poor ralph i know it's it's so disgusting and the angle of using your daughter daughter. Yep. And that thing of you've got someone who maybe already isn't in the best place socially and you throw that shit at them.

It's so disgusting and so unfair. You know what just occurred to me? It has nothing to do with the case, but something that we talked about during the episode. Okay. We went to the theater to see Heartbreakers. Do you remember seeing this in the theater? Yes.

We – I have no idea why I know this. What is it? Your mom drove us to the theater. Okay. All right. What is it? Your mom drove us to the theater. All right. And while we were in the car on the way there, Drops of Jupiter played on the radio.

I'm not even shitting you. My least favorite song. Wait, is that the end of the story? It's the whole story. I remember we had a whole conversation about how the song mentions fried chicken. Okay. So here's the deal, gang. If you're new to the podcast first of all welcome um we have gotten a lot of new listeners we really appreciate you and people have been so nice you know i'm a lurker people have been making recommendations

it's been great we have gotten a criticism that really stood out to me because i loved it so much i don't know if you saw this one but someone was like you know amidst all the yeah all the love was like i tried them but they talk too much i did see that i did see that i liked some response to it, though. What was it? On a podcast? Here's the thing, though. I know what they meant. They meant they don't like the tangents. The tangents. The tangents is what they meant.

But that is my favorite criticism of a podcast. Yeah. They talk too much. And you know what? I'm looking at the time. We do talk too much. Okay, gang, we are closing in on two hours. Two hours, and you thought you were going to get that story in in our

one-hour show. Didn't think. I knew. You knew. I had no doubt. You were certain we were getting that in. And I was looking down at the clock at the bottom of the stage like, well, shit, look at that thing go. Look at that time just flying by. My goodness. Yeah, it is true what they

say. Time flies when you're having fun. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it is true what they say. Time flies when you're having fun. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Anyhow, should we take some questions from our discussion? We sure should. Oh, we haven't plugged our Patreon.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we have a Patreon. And if you're in it at the $5 level or higher, you can get in our Discord, which is like a 90s style chat room where you can shitty chat the day away. And when we record, we ask for questions and then we answer a few of them. Also at that level, you get a metric shit ton of bonus episodes. Yeah, there's like 52 of those. It's a lot of talking on there.

There's so much talking. So much talking. So we've got that. We've got Zoom calls that we do with you. It's a whole thing. And yeah, sign up. Yeah, do it. Won't you?

Do it. And you know what we're going to do right now? We're going to take some questions from our Discord. Did you already say that? I think we said it, but that's all right. We can reiterate it. I want people to really know what's happening. Yeah.

What's up? That is a tough one. Lesbot wants to know would you rather only be able to whisper or have to crawl everywhere like a lizard oh no only whisper only whisper absolutely yeah yeah good choice yep we would just become like an npr yeah Yeah. What if you only whispered but you laughed at normal volume? Oh, that would be jarring. Yes, it's me. Calm down.

Asks, does being first in line make me a stalker? So this is Jonathan. Oh, Jonathan. And Jonathan, no, absolutely not. Honestly, what it did because we feel like we know you at this point, it like calms us. Okay, Jonathan. And Jonathan, no, absolutely not. Honestly, what it did, because we feel like we know you at this point, it calms us.

Okay, everyone, Jonathan was the first person who noticed us at last year's Obsessed Fest. So he just sticks out in our mind. We've met him a bunch. See, I feel like we're the weird ones. I know we're the weird ones because we think we know you now, Jonathan. Yeah, and also we did a family feud thing this year. Yes. And we spotted Jonathan.

We wanted to take a picture with our winning team. And I was just like, oh, Jonathan, will you come here and take the picture? Jonathan will take it. Yeah. I mean. We know Jonathan's husband. Yes, it's a. No, I think we're the stalkers, Jonathan.

We might be. Sorry, Jonathan. Oh, I like this one. Hold on. It just disappeared. Fuck. Labia Lounge. Oh, my.

Who wants to know? Uh-huh. Can we get some Obsessed Fest highlights? Oh, sure. Absolutely. There honestly were plenty of highlights. There's so many. We played Family Feud.

So fun. It was amazing. We won Family Feud. So fun. It was amazing. We won. Brandi wants you to know, we won. We won. That was so fun. I loved it. Our live show was so fun.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Norm made us this intro video. It's like an 80s style sitcom intro. It is amazing. Yeah, we an 80s style sitcom intro. It is amazing. Yeah, we'll have to post that somewhere because, I mean, it truly should not be missed. It should not be missed. We had, so, you know, there's an official meet and greet, but like we wanted to meet

everyone who wanted to meet us. Yes. So we had a meet and greet, what, Friday night. Friday night at a hotel bar. Oh, my gosh. We walked in there. It was shocking. How many people came to this to meet us?

I don't even know. Thank you to everyone who came. It was unbelievable. There were so fucking many people there. I also want to say just everyone who attended Obsessed Fest was lovely. I mean, I had like the best experiences. Yes. The funniest thing to me is that we had like a few people come up and be like, hey, sorry, I was awkward in our last interaction. No one was awkward.

No one was awkward. No. We appreciated meeting everyone. Yes. Everyone was so sweet with David and Norm. Yes. Your sister Casey was there. I'm saying this like you don't know.

I know she was there. She was behind you the whole time. Oh, my gosh. My sister Kyla is- Now the mayor of LGTC. Although Norm said, no, you're the Flavor Flav of LGTC. Which is mean because it's kind of true. No, Kyla met everybody everybody oh awesome what well

norm and david and kyla and casey and ashton and caitlin our support squad were handing out fucking stickers to everyone like it was their job well and in a way it was because david and kyla got a little competitive i think david saw how much kyla enjoyed handing out stickers so he decided to try to steal that joy it was a whole thing very controversial no so caitlin and ashton have been kyla's best friends since college so they came it was funny because i was telling my mom all about it and i was like yeah so caitlin like took all the pictures for us. Yeah.

And my mom goes, you're telling me that you had the woman with the PhD taking your pictures? Yes. That's true. Yes. Only PhDs can take pictures for us. It was a very thorough interview process. Also, I've got to shout out to Ashton. She's a fucking hoot because when when things really

started popping off and we'll just say that yeah so we had um a meet and greet at 3 15 which anyone who's got the timeline on the bulletin board knows that yeah so all we knew was what we knew from reddit yeah which is and we also saw people, I mean, it was, anyway. A lot was happening. We knew things were happening. Yeah. But, you know, people were coming through

the meet and greet line and, you know, of course they're like, oh my gosh, can you believe, do you know what's happening? Do you know what's going on? And my favorite thing is Kyla and Ashton

said at the same time, so Kyla goes, I know, right? It's crazy. At the same time and Ashton said at the same time. So Kyla goes, I know, right? It's crazy. At the same time that Ashton goes, no, what do you know? What's happening? Two different ways of handling it. Very different ways. Yep.

You can tell Ashton works in politics. Right. A little more polished maybe. Yeah. I don't know. Yes. No, there were so many highlights. Oh my gosh, so many great things.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And thank you to everyone who came. Oh, yeah. To support us. Yeah, thank you so much. It was amazing.

Yeah, we loved meeting all of you. Yeah. Mmm. Okay. Lazy Lesbian Biz wants to know, Kristen, do you have a fear of eels like you do snakes? Yes. There's more. Oh, I'm sorry.

They continue on. Calm down. There's a lady on Amazing Race who's terrified of snakes and eels, and they had a live eel challenge. And they're wondering if it's universal. So, yes, you're just as scared of eels as you are of snakes. I just figured this out, and I'm not proud to tell you why. Why? First of all, I'm very cool, as we know.

Yeah. The other day, so sometimes when I'm doing my makeup and stuff, I watch just random YouTube videos, and maybe I'm the type of cool person who's like, oh, here's a compilation of all the meanest things people have had to do in competitions on Big Brother. Oh, yeah. You know, there's a lot of us who are interested in that.

It's not a super weird little group. Anyway, so I was watching that. Very mean. And one of the challenges was everyone had to get in this disgusting bathtub and, like, they put in dead eels. No. And I realized those things are too snake-like for my taste. Yeah.

So, yes, I am scared. And also very cool. Yeah, okay. Robin Noodles wants to know, thoughts on the swag bags at Obsessed Fest? Robin, I'm not going to lie to you. The first time I saw a picture, I thought it was a joke. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was a troll post. Yeah. That's unfortunate a joke. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was a troll post. Yeah. That's unfortunate. Yeah. Yep. Oh, I think this is a good question because I don't even know if you have these. So hyperfixations are very common with people with ADHD. Suck worker Cassie wants to know what your current hyperfixation is.

Do you get hyperfixations? Do I get hyperfixations? Do you get hyper fixations? Do I get hyper fixations? Do you know me, man? Yes. Everyone, do you know anything about Big Brother Canada season nine? See?

Yes. That's the everyone. Brandy is looking at me like I am fucking nuts. And I'm telling you, yes, that's I am fucking nuts. But that is my hyper fixation right now. I am so pissed that I have to pause to record this episode when someone's about to win the veto comp.

Oh, boy. Okay. Hey, I didn't say my hyper fixations were cool. Also, another hyper fixation, so I hyper fixate on foods. Yeah. Let me hit you with a recipe that I made up recently. Okay. Okay.

You get broccoli. Mm-hmm. Chop it up. Yeah. Chopping broccoli. You get some red onion. Chop that up. Mm-hmm.

Get some cherry tomatoes. Halve them. Oh, okay. Okay. Mm-hmm. Little avocado. Chunk that up. Okay.

Put that all together. Mix it up. Yeah. You cover that with everything but the bag that up. Okay. Put that all together. Mix it up. Yeah. You cover that with everything but the bagel seasoning. Okay. Then you get baked Cheetos. Oh. Put that on the side.

Eat that shit with a spoon. Uh-huh. Delish. Okay. Okay. I was making that in secret for obvious reasons. And the other day, Norm walked in on me. It was too late.

I couldn't hide it. And he was like, what is happening? So in conclusion, no, I do not hyperfix that. Oh, okay, great. Ooh, Save Bandit asks, at the end of Family Feud, the way Steve had phrased it, I thought the other team won. Did you think that? Were you losing your mind, Brandi? Yes, I 100% thought we lost.

Because we did not get as many answers right, but we stole a few rounds. So that's how we ended up winning. But yeah, I actually, I had been trying to kind of keep track in my head a little bit. And I completely thought we lost. I didn't care. No, Kristen had no idea. There's actually a really funny picture that I saw online that somebody posted. And it is, it's me and the woman who was sitting on the other side of you.

And we are clearly trying to brainstorm an answer. And you are sitting with your feet together, your hands on your lap. You're just staring straight ahead. I am not who you want on your team. In anything, really. No sports. No game shows. Like you were.

Blank. No one was home. Yep. blank no one was home yep honestly my main my main goal in any of those situations is to not have an answer that is embarrassing right and boy i embarrassed myself what was what was the category crimes specifically crimes that would be in an action movie. Okay. Well we were getting down to

the wire folks and I the microphone was mine. All I could think was rape. I've not seen a lot of action

films. And so I said sexual assault and the crowd went for context with every other answer the crowd had cheered. Instead, just the air was sucked out of the room.

And then I got the big X. And then the best part, the most poetic part, is that the answer that was left. Go ahead and tell them. Was art heist. Humiliating. Humiliating. Oh, Clark Adventures 94 asks, best light coverage foundation looking for a BB cream or just something light to cover up my daily redness? I'm only asking this because I'm wanting your advice on that.

What do you wear again? I use the Neutrogena Tinted Serum. Oh, yeah. That's what I have currently. Never mind. Yeah. Never mind. Okay. No, the reason I say that is because I realize what is happening here is I am looking at you.

You know, it's like I'm looking at the model going, I'll wear what she's wearing and I'll look exactly like her. Oh. So I'm coming to you with your perfect skin asking you what you have on it. Be wonderful on you. It's not going to give me the same results. It's a very sheer coverage. Is it going to alter my genetics? No.

It is an extremely sheer coverage. All right. Yeah, that's what I. Mm-hmm. Just a little something. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I've also used, I mean, I've used very expensive tinted moisturizers. I've used the Tarte tinted moisturizer. I like that one a lot. It's a little oily for my skin. I feel like it sits on top of my skin. It doesn't fully absorb in. Penetrate is the word you were looking for.

I didn't want to say that. Fair enough. Uh-huh. I also have used the Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer. It was a little heavy for my taste. I really like a tinted serum. It's very light. Just gives just a whisper of coverage.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Very good. I used to be a full coverage foundation girly. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't need to be.

Right. Well, not that anyone needs to be. No, no one needs to be. That's wild. Why were you a full? I don't know. I think that I just like thought that's what you were supposed to do. Okay.

So I did it for a really long time and then I hated how it looked like I didn't like. Yeah, it looked like foundation. So you didn't like it. Yeah. No, I get that. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right. Very good. Madison Diane wants to know, how does Patty feel about the podcast? Is she a fan? Does she laugh at your jokes? Does she think we are all insane? Patty is tired of our shit. She hates the podcast.

Patty. We've got her duct taped to a chair. And that is how this podcast is edited. Yeah. No, she has told us she loves the show.

It's like one of the perks for her is getting to be the first one to hear it. All the hot goss. She does a great job editing us. She's wonderful at it. I tell you what,

it is not always easy to find someone who can edit for our style. Correct. To know what tangents to cut, what to keep in, to know that we should keep in a cold open where I say sniff my butthole. Yes.

You know, that takes an audio editing genius. It does. It does. Yeah. Patty knows us. She gets us. Yeah. She does a great job editing us.

And she thinks you're all insane. Yes. So there you go. Oh, my gosh. Catherine asks, my friend and I saw you guys outside the Omni eating Saturday after we met Joey and Ellen. Brandy, you looked stressed. Were you just then finding out about the Obsessed Best Craziness?

P.S. You're welcome for not interrupting your dinner. Oh, my. Catherine, you saw quite a moment there. That was the moment where we determined that we were the band aboard the Titanic. Just to give some context for that moment. So that was right after our meet and greet. We had just come from our meet and greet.

Again, we're getting all of our information about what went down from attendees. Yes. From Reddit. Yeah. So we are still in that holy shit, what the fuck is happening mode. And what do we do? Right. What do we do?

Yes. What do we do? Yeah. And so Norm and David went inside to the hotel bar to get us drinks. Yeah. And I remember we sat there outside and we just looked at each other. We just looked at each other for like a really long time. Like a weird

amount of time. And that's when I said to you I feel like we're the dudes playing their violins on the Titanic. And you said, pleasure playing. Pleasure playing with you gentlemen. But yeah,

you definitely witnessed a moment. You did. You did witness a moment. You should have come by. We could have had a nice talk. Honestly, though, I mean,

we were, we were pretty shell shocked. We were shell shocked at that point. Yeah, absolutely. And yes, I think there is a, probably a big part.

What you witnessed was my secondhand embarrassment of being like, I'm at this event where this huge thing this huge altercation just occurred yeah people are leaving and rightly so I want to drill straight through to the middle of the earth at this moment

yeah it was a rough time I'm glad that you looked stressed but I didn't. That's why, because I was facing the opposite direction. But yeah, you saw quite a moment there, Catherine. You saw a moment, yeah. Okay. What is it?

Two-time jury alternate wants to know, Brandy, if aliens did take over your body and paraded you naked around town would you be able to accept it back wow what a question who oh i don't know that is a tough one i have a thought what's your thought thought? Well, it depends. So, like, are you witnessing this from, you know, some faraway place? Well, that's just it. If I can, like, be placed back in my body and not have that memory. No, that's not what I'm saying. Okay, great.

All right. So what's what you're saying? What I'm saying is, like, I almost feel like if you could witness that, you might be, like, it'd be kind of like confronting your worst fear. That sounds fucking terrible. No, thank you. Oh, my God. Everyone, she's got her arms crossed. She's leaning back.

This is a totally fake scenario, by the way. I'm not the least bit interested. I'm not trying to sell you on it. I'm just saying, like, I could see how it actually wouldn't. Man, I can't even finish the sentence. Everybody, the way she's looking at me. My gosh. No no thank you um i don't know if i probably can't take the body back at that point you just be dead yeah because your body had been walked around by aliens yeah naked

paraded paraded around town what if everyone enjoyed the parade huh what about that everyone's having a great time they're like oh my gosh love it look at that ass i don't think so okay fair enough fair enough sharna asks are you guys okay from the events that happened at Obsessed Fest? So, I mean, yes, of course. Yes, we're okay. It was a lot. Oh, my gosh. It's so much.

It was a lot to handle. I think especially when you're going to a convention just for exposure, you want that exposure to be good. Yeah, absolutely. And you expect to be taken care of. Yep. And I just, man, when things were popping off, everyone was talking about it. It was all over social media. It seemed the least I expected was to get some kind of email, communication, something.

Just, you know, nothing too detailed, but something saying we are aware that an altercation occurred. We are handling it. Here's what we're doing. Here's a reminder of our policies, blah, blah. And honestly, if I were an attendee, I would expect the same thing. Same. Absolutely. Just to be reassured that it was being handled appropriately.

So that didn't happen. And that was obviously very upsetting. I'm just going to add that as of this recording, that still hasn't happened. Yeah. That still hasn't happened. It still hasn't happened. Yeah. That still hasn't happened. It still hasn't happened. And that's unacceptable. Yeah.

Yeah. And maybe that'll change between now when we're recording this and when this comes out. But I wouldn't put money on it. I wouldn't either. I wouldn't either. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to put my phone down and give the full meal deal. So going into, first of all, we had a wonderful time at Obsessed Fest last year.

Yeah. Just the best time. And so when we were invited back, there was no question that we were going to go again. We were thrilled to be invited back. Absolutely. So we signed on. Again, we were thrilled to be invited back. So we signed on.

We knew for a fact that a lot of people bought tickets because they wanted to see us. Yes. And then rumblings started happening online. An expose came out about the Obsessed Network. That was tough for a lot of reasons, one of them being that we had only had positive interactions with everybody. Absolutely. Now, the reason I have never said that publicly before is because I think sometimes when you're trying to talk about negative experiences that you have had, when someone else comes out and they're like, well, mine have only been positive, it can sound like the person saying that is trying to be dismissive.

That is not it at all. I just want everyone to be perfectly clear that we've not had any negative experiences before this. And we really thought we could, first of all, we felt we needed to go this year because we knew people had spent quite a bit of money, a lot of money with specifically seeing us in mind. So we went we figured this is not our drama. Nope. The most we'll see is maybe some awkward glances in the green room. And won't that be fun to whisper about later? green room and won't that be fun to whisper about later didn't turn out that way right again we're not okay with the way the altercation was handled yeah it felt like no one was running things absolutely yes that's exactly what it felt like. I will add, I don't think anyone needs to go to the convention organizers and tell them, hey, this is concerning. I just saw hundreds of people leave the convention. Is something going on? Hey, I'm hearing that one podcaster cursed out another podcaster.

Hey, is anything being done? Yeah. I'm hearing that one podcaster cursed out another podcaster. Hey, is anything being done? Yeah. You know, no one should have to come. They should anticipate that both guests and attendees will have lots of questions and concerns about something of that magnitude taking place. Yeah. And they should be in front of that, issuing statements, reassuring people. And let me say, I don't envy those folks at all. Not at all.

No. Because, first of all, there's so much information that you don't have in the moment and that we still don't have. Right? Yeah. So it's not a matter of, yes, here's what's happened, and, you know, here's a transcript of the event, and, you know, here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

No. What you need is we are aware a situation occurred. We are on it. Yeah. Yeah, that's the expectation. So it put us in a weird spot in a lot of ways. Yep. You know, Sunday morning, we still hadn't heard anything.

So we're just, again, getting our information from social media. Not where I expect to get that information. And then my sister, so she was staying at an Airbnb. She came. She was just in the lobby waiting for us. And she texted and she goes, Dallas police officers are down here in the lobby. It's like, what the fuck? Yep.

Yeah. So, yeah, we had to get the fuck out. Yep. Yeah. And I think it's unfortunate and not at all how I wanted the weekend to end. Yeah. And being kind of mixed up in this whole thing is not at all how we saw the weekend going. But, you know.

But I will say this, though. It's super easy to say as an independent podcast. Absolutely. We're not on any network. Yeah. Yeah, we can say whatever the fuck we want. We sure can. Yeah.

We're not on any network. Yeah. Yeah. We can say whatever the fuck we want. We sure can. Yeah. And we can say that that was not handled professionally or responsibly. Yes. It was disrespectful and irresponsible to not have any kind of communication with anybody about what was going on.

Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, everybody, who knows how much we just cut from that Q&A. Who knows? I'll tell you, Patty got an earful. She sure did. You know, we told you she enjoys working with us, but maybe not anymore.

We told you she enjoys working with us, but maybe not anymore. So at this point, we will move on to Supreme Court inductions. In order to get inducted on this podcast, all you have to do is sign up for our Patreon at the $7 level. And that gets you all kinds of benefits. Too many benefits. Couldn't even list them. We could, but we don't have the time. Because we've gone slightly over one hour.

Just slightly. Only slightly. Today we are reading your names and your first celebrity crushes. Tara Rodriguez. Jensen Ackles. Sarah Keen. The cast of Saved by the Bell. The entire cast, Sarah? That is greedy.

Talk about a hoe face. Lexi Brown. Eric Von Deaton. Tara Peterson. JTT. Devin. Tony Danza, when he played Tony on Taxi, not when he played Tony on Who's the Boss.

I loved him on Who's the Boss. Wow. I watched a lot of Who's the Boss. Wow. I watched a lot of Who's the Boss when I was a kid. You know who didn't like it? Devin. Christy Smith. Donnie Wahlberg. Butters. Keanu Reeves.

Katie Cummins. Thorn from the Hex Girls. What? From Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost. I was like six. LOL. I don't know what any of that is. That's so specific. That is very specific. But, I mean, it must be very real.

Andrea Bell! Oh, my God! Scott Baio in Joanie Loves Chachi slash Charles in Charge. My goodness, people are getting specific now. Yeah. Kristen McCabe. All of my first crushes have become problematic adults. Kirk Cameron, Ricky Schroeder, Scott Baio.

Man, you know how to pick them, Kristen. That is rough, Kristen. Welcome to the Supreme Court. Thank you, everyone, for all of your support. We appreciate it so much. If you're looking for other ways to support us, please find us on social media. We're on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Patreon. Please remember to subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen and then head on over to Apple Podcasts and leave us a five-star rating and review.

Then be sure to join us next week when Brandi will be an expert on a whole new topic. Podcast adjourned. And now for a note about our process. For this episode, I read a bunch of stuff, then regurgitated it all back up in my very limited vocabulary. So I owe a huge thank you to the real experts. I got my info from an episode of American Greed titled Psychic Fiends Network, an episode of 2020 titled Sweetheart Swindle. Reporting from Oregon Live and the court documents. Any errors are of course ours, but please don't take our word for it. Go read their stuff.