Life Uncut - 4. ASK UNCUT - Getting over a breakup. Can you friend an ex? Stop putting your dreams on hold.

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

ASK UNCUT is our quick, down and dirty bonus ep where we answer your burning questions about life, love, lust and a whole lot of other stuff. We discuss our strong opinions on no contact during breakups, friending your ex and whether or not it's ok to put your life on hold for a relationship.If you have a juicy question for us slide into our DM's @lifeuncutpodcast and share the love, because we love LOVE!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. Well, specifically, this is an Ask Uncut episode of Life Uncut, just to keep things super confusing for you all. I am Laura, and this is Brittany. Hi, I am Laura's co-host, Brittany. Welcome to the episode. Well, that was very newsreader, reporter, voicey. I was trying to be really official. Why? Because we never are. I was trying something new, okay? I didn't like it. Let's move along. Yeah, don't do that again. Hey, guys, I'm Brittany. Welcome, Brittany. It's nice that you're back. So to anyone who's heard these episodes before, you know the drill. You guys write in every week and you send us your nitty gritty down and dirty questions that you

have and we answer them for you. And so for any new listeners, well, this is the Ask Uncut episode. And on a Tuesday, we release our more meaty, more philosophical, you know, just more life sort of podcast. So today we have a few questions that have been written in and I'm going to kick it off with give me the computer, Brittany, so I can read this. Okay, here you go, Grandma. All righty. So this has been written in by someone and it says,

how do I get over an ex? Any tips appreciated because this is consuming my soul and I am slowly dying. Holy shit. That was very dark for the first question back. I know what she's feeling. She's obviously not dying, but that feeling of absolute heartbreak obviously is what she's going through we've all been there

haven't we ever and you do feel like your soul is dying like you've just feel i have you ever had that moment i think we all have it once in our life that heartbreak where you physically feel your heart hurt have you had that yeah i i definitely have but i realized when that was happening to me it was a mix between this rapid anxiety that was also caught up in the breakup up as well. And then you are going through this, a total shift in your identity. I just wasn't expecting such a dark question for the first one, Brit. Brit's the one who organizes the questions and she picks them and then she schedules and strategizes our podcasts. So that just caught me by surprise. Sorry, that's all. I think she's taking a piss a little bit. Like I think she's

like, I'm slowly dying. I think she's exaggerating. She's just trying to be like, help me. I'm in heartbreak okay brit how are we gonna do this okay how to get over an ex i just i'm gonna i'm gonna be hard here and say you need to delete him from your life there's a lot of people that want to maintain um some sort of contact and have this slow break away i think you need to block him on social media whether this is temporary it's just so you can't go and look at his stuff everyone goes and checks oh my god i wonder if he looked at my story i wonder if he who cares you need to block him and you need to rid yourself she cares obviously but that's what i mean not healthy absolutely not healthy and i think for that little period of time that transition period

you need to have just you in focus and spend some time on your own getting yourself to a better place and unfortunately it sucks but you just can't do that when this other human that's just broken your heart is still in your life it's just it's not achievable i'm i'm 100 with you on this Brit. I, and I know it's so hard to do, but I do really strongly believe that you have to go no contact. And that is exactly what Brit said, like block from Instagram, delete number, just you don't exist. And I don't want to know that you're happy, that you're sad. I don't want to know anything about you because in the spectrum of how you're feeling, you might be having a relatively good day. And then all of a sudden your ex might send you a text and he's like infiltrating your,

your atmosphere and your life and your ability to be happy. And so you need to just remove him and remove his access to you at the moment. If you still are talking or you're still hearing from them, you're kind of still being drip fed this addiction. There's a little bit of hope in that. And it's the hope that's attached to still getting contact from someone who's broken up with you that I think can be really, really damaging. So for whatever reason, you guys have decided to not be together. So you have to make a commitment to that decision and cut him out at least for a period of time while you heal. You know what I think is worse when we're speaking, when you just said, you know, maybe you'll get a text from him and that changes your day. I think it's almost

worse to be seeing him on his stories or on his, on your friends' Instagrams, because you're seeing his life and his happiness and what he's doing but there's this aspect of he's out there not thinking of me when you get a text from them you're like oh well at least he's thinking about me it's worse when you just see them going and having living their best life and not giving two hoots about you just completely hit the nail on the head with that i think you need to go out and do something new get a new hobby or meet new people we talked about this last season actually and i was saying like one of the massive things i did during a bad breakup i went through was i took up salsa dancing. Love it. Yeah. It got me out of the house and I was physically doing

something. So I didn't have the time to sit around and think about him because when you have extra time on your hands, that's when the thoughts really creep in and that's when you feel your saddest. And also if you're hanging out with the same people who are doing the same things that you used to do as a couple, sometimes you just need to do something that's completely new and something you've never done before, because it's not a shared experience that you can kind of reflect back on and go oh but this was better when it was with him yeah so I like you uh did salsa dancing remember that I started Italian lessons I bloody loved it and the funny thing about that is you go to do this to like make new friends and meet new people and I absolutely did

that but they were all 45 plus and most of them were like 50 to 60 year old males but they were great people and we had a lot of fun trying to speak Italian to each other but it still gave me something to do and focus on and laugh at. And I learned so much. And all of a sudden I wasn't thinking of the ridiculous things. If you're in a bit of a dark place at the moment, sometimes your friends, or I know with my friends and it's so well-meaning, but they will say like, Oh, let's go out. Let's like go out partying. Let's go out dancing. Let's go do this. And absolutely. There's an aspect of that that can be really fun and it can be great. But sometimes with the drinking, it can exacerbate how sad you feel. So if you are going out and

drinking on a Friday, Saturday night, and then your friend is going home to their boyfriend and you're going home alone, that is not going to put you or set you up for a situation that's going to make you feel very good. So try and do things that are constructive. Try and do things that don't include alcohol because alcohol is not going to make the situation any better. And just take some time to figure out what was wrong with that relationship and why that relationship didn't end the way that you wanted it to, or why, you know, what you liked about him and what you didn't like, and then start to project maybe what you want for yourself for the future and what lessons you can take from this relationship so that you don't jump into

another relationship and have the exact same problems arise. It's also very easy when you're in this point of laying in your bed after a breakup, wondering where it went wrong. It's easy to forget why it went wrong. And you just remember the good things and you're like, maybe we should be together. Maybe we should work it out. Like he was perfect for me. I can guarantee here he wasn't haven't we all done that well you forget the shit and then you get back with them and the same things happen and the same outcomes happen also self-love like look after yourself go get your hair done start exercising go to the beach once you feel good in yourself how many times i have been in bed with no makeup i haven't brushed my hair in a few days this sounds silly

but you feel really shitty in yourself because you're like i just feel i don't feel i haven't been eating well you don't feel good but then all of a sudden you go and have a shower you do your hair you eat start eating well you go for a run and you feel like a different person and it's just the difference those little things make and it's not even about getting a breakup bod like it's not like oh yeah revenge revenge buddy it's not about that sometimes that's the byproduct of just living a more active life but exercise is such a huge huge part of like getting those good endorphins moving again and kind of breaking this sad cycle that you that you feel and so I'm all for that you go get that revenge bod but not because you want to make him thirsty for you you know what

you live in your best life now makes you feel good makes you feel bloody good i think we wrap i love it when we agree question number two is it ever okay to contact your ex after a good period of time and even to catch up with them in person yes okay i think it's fine i think so long as you uh have emotionally healed from the breakup so long as you don't think that you actually want to be with them again like that's not what this is there's not like some hidden motive um but if you really do think that you could have some sort of platonic friendship with them then i think that there's no harm in in catching up for a coffee it's pretty it can be pretty like trepidatious it's definitely a bit risky but um only you know in yourself whether

you're actually totally mentally ready to to meet up with an ex and i guess also are they with someone else have they moved on are you with someone else because there's a fine line oh yeah 100 if you can if if he's with someone else is she going to be comfortable that he's going to meet up with his ex like i don't know how i feel about that i agree there's a time and a place for sure what i can absolutely say from personal experience is if you're going to go contact them don't drink and text because i have done that recently and it was a huge regret make sure you are completely sober and completely mentally stable when you text them why did you text someone but then this is not like you were you over him are you not over him who is this guy

no you know how i think we spoke about it before you have that you call it a ping that person that is your person oh yeah but i would never text him but you know the person right i know what a ping is yeah so for anyone who hasn't listened to one of our past episodes where we talked about the ping the ping is like you might be in a totally happy healthy amazing relationship with someone who you love but there may be an ex from your past who really got in there and it's someone who when you reflect on your relationship with them there's still this little there's still this little ping and it's not because you're in love with them it's not because you want to be with them it's just they they really got their claws deep into your heart and there's still a

of scar tissue there that's all and so you feel a bit of a ping yeah when you think about them yeah and i don't go messaging that guy ever because that is a bad idea amen i did it that's that is i hope that she's not talking about a ping guy well i just felt like you know i'm i'd had a few things a few drinks um as you do and i just felt like i couldn't find a nice guy in my internal monologue was like where are all the nice men why can't i meet a nice man and i was like, hang on, I did meet a nice man. I'm going to text him at two in the morning. I'm going to text him because I don't know why it didn't work out. And I want to know why. So I literally texted him and said, why? Okay. So I'm going to revise my answer to this question in that instance. No,

don't text. That is a bad idea. Laura, it was market research for the podcast. that idea I I think that it is possible to be friends with an ex yes it's a tricky situation and sometimes it doesn't go the way that you want it to and and sometimes it can be like reopening a wound and in which case maybe it's better left left just untouched over there in a box in the cupboard where you don't have anything to do with it but if you are genuinely completely over the relationship maybe you're both in new relationships and you're totally happy then it is possible to have some friendship however I guess you really need to ask yourself why like why do you want to text him all of a sudden why do you want to catch up why do you

want to have coffee what is that going to bring to your life what purpose are you going to gain from it and if it's just to be able to get some closure and maybe like kind of tie it up in a nice bow and put it back in the box is it necessary well probably not to be honest I do think it can be possible and it can be done but it is it is tricky i'm still very rarely but in contact with the first love of my life i was with him for eight years and we will very i'm talking like not even once a year like i recently contacted him to check in on him because i heard he was going through a hard time i think that's absolutely fine but that we he and i only got to that place by not talking for years but there's always going to be that person everyone's going to have them

where you just care about them a lot and you've both moved on, but they were a big part of your life. And you will always, if he ever needed anything from me to this day, I would be there for him. Um, and I think there, there are situations like that, but you definitely have to have removed yourself for a long time before you can get there. Totally. So an example of this actually is, is Matt and I went to a wedding together two years ago and we went to the wedding of his ex-girlfriend and then, yeah, we went to her wedding and I was his date and she was clearly getting married and she was very, very happy. So it is possible. But the reason why they are able to stay friends is because there's no romantic interest in each other

anymore. And they're still so happy in their own independent relationships. If there's an ulterior motive by either one of you, or, you know, that there is still an inequality in the way that you feel, then just don't do it. It's not worth the drama. Don't invite that back into your life for sure i hope that helped someone i like that we really went around about there i was like yes then i was like no then i was like maybe occasionally then i was like it's probably not worth it actually i think you just need like to summarize every single situation is going to be different but you just need to know i think the base of this is why you're doing it why why ask yourself what do you bloody want from it i'm glad that we got there in the end though brit okay

question number three and this is going to be the last question this one has come in and it says hi ladies I'm currently studying my PhD in Queensland and I've just been offered the opportunity to finish it I'll finish my thesis in Adelaide next year the position will be for about six to nine months which is super exciting and something that I really want to do the problem is is that I've met someone who I really like and think that they could be the one but I know that me taking this opportunity which means so much to me could mean losing him what should I do Oh, this to me, I don't even have to think about this. I am so, so passionate about not putting your life on hold at this point for someone else. If you have a dream and an opportunity and a job

that you really want to do, go get it, go and sink your teeth into it because the what's meant to be will be. And if he is really the right person, what is six months? I'm sorry, but what six months apart for someone to go get their dream job guys this is like if you're saying six to nine months max it's not like you're going to move to antarctica for four years like that's a bit different they have phones in adelaide like and you got a mobile there's a car like there's a plane there's so many ways there's the internet there's you there's so many ways for you guys to maintain a healthy and happy relationship that you 100 cannot give up an opportunity that is going to put you on the path for your career and for your aspirations and your dreams just because

you've met someone who you think you think is the one if he's the one he's going to be there he's going to man up he's going to come to adelaide and see you maybe he won't move there but he'll be there if he's the one he will hands down say babe go and get this we will make it work go and go and do this and if he doesn't do that and if he makes you make a choice between the two of them or if he doesn't want to do long distance and he gives you an ultimatum, he is not the one because the wrong time and the wrong place is the wrong person. They only become the right person when all of the things that you want in life and all of the things that they want in life are equally aligned. And that's what is the foundation for a happy relationship. Not trying to fit a triangle

in a box doesn't work. I had the opportunity when I was with the psycho we've spoken about, if you're new and you're not an OG, there's an episode. So I dated a sociopath in season one, have a listen. You'll have a bit of a lull probably and like a wow. I don't think they'll have a lull. I think they'll definitely have a wow moment. This episode is about Brit's ex dating experiences and it's very hectic, that episode. I had an opportunity to move overseas when I was with that person and he, this should have been a red flag. He begged me not to go and wait for him and to put it off a year and put it off a year. I put it off for two years for him. where I should have just gone and listened to my gut.

But I put it off because I loved him. I swore I would never put my life on hold again for anybody. And I mean that it's different if you have children and you're married and you obviously make decisions together. But in this situation, when there are two people dating and there is an opportunity for your loved one to go and live a dream, because then he, six months later,

he said, I need to go overseas for my dream. and I was silly enough to say, go and I'll wait for you because that's who I was like, I'm going to support you. It should have been a red flag. He should have told me to go and we'll make it work like I said to him. And now I'm just a super big believer that you need to sometimes put yourself first.

So I think, babe, go get them. Don't put your life on hold for somebody because if they're the right person and they love you and they support you, they're going to want the absolute best for you. They will make it work. you guys can make it work together it's nine months like like i said it's adelaide it's not antarctica it's radelaide and you can all go and stay in the hawksbury and drink wine adelaide's

actually pretty cool i've actually never been you should go it's great you like wine it's fabulous i do like wine guys thank you so much to everyone who has written in questions for today's episode look we do our best we read through every single question and we try to pick the ones that we think are the most relative or relatable topics. So please send us your questions next week. We feel so honoured that you trust us with our unqualified but very heartfelt recommendations and advice. Yep.

If you have liked this, please hit five stars, subscribe, share it with your mum and your dad and your friends and your dog. Leave a review as well. We read every single one and we actually love hearing your opinions and your feedback. And, guys, remember, please go out there and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.