Life Uncut - Am I an alcoholic? Emily Weir from sobriety to Home and Away

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Hey Lifers!In this episode, we sat down with the talented Emily Weir, known for her role as Mackenzie Booth on "Home and Away." Emily shares the highs and lows of her path into acting, as well as the challenges she faced with alcoholism, her path to recovery, and the realities of living with OCD and anxiety. Emily shares how:-Her success in acting wouldn't be there if she hadn't committed to being sober-She realised she had a problem with alcohol-Her life and friendship groups shifted after going sober-Substances/alcohol can be the mask to what's going on under the surface-To seek and get help if you have a bad relationship with booze Em is a particularly insightful woman and in this chat, she opens up so vulnerably in the hopes that she can help shift the narrative of what an 'alcoholic' looks like. You can follow Emily's Instagram If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany. And we have an interview that I am so excited to do today. The person who's sitting right here in the room with us.

Now, the reason for that is because I got to meet Emily Weir off the back of Dancing with the Stars. So she's not only just a dancing extraordinaire. That's not why we're interviewing her. But I definitely, I mean, it's part of it. Wait, wait, wait. Run her up. Yeah, run her up.

But very good. Very good. Bravo. Second feels like first. Em, you're supposed to pretend like you're not here just yet. Oh, sorry. I'll introduce you in a second. I'm like Toros, you know, I'm bringing it on when I'm in second.

That's it. Anyway, go back. No, so the thing is, when we did this Dancing with the Stars, I got to meet Em and she is literally a ball of sunshine. She is a ray of sunshine. You have to sit here and pretend like you don't know I'm saying all these wonderful things about you. She is also Mackenzie Booth.

She's the actress that is on Home and Away. But one of the conversations that we had in the green room of the Today Show was something that really stuck with me. And Em, I can remember we were talking about having a celebratory drink and Em said, oh no, not for me. I don't drink. And I had that moment, which I should know better where I'm like, why don't you drink? That moment of like, what? What are you talking about? Now, even though we have done episodes on sobriety before, we've spoken about it. It's still in that moment shocked me that my very initial reaction was, what do you mean you don't drink? And then Em went on to

explain a little bit about her story, why it was that she became sober curious and ended up deciding to be sober, her battles with alcohol, her battles with anxiety. But what Em said was, I attribute so much of my success in life to the fact that I gave up drinking. And that really stuck with me. And she joined us at our live show in Adelaide. It was an amazing conversation. And I'm so, so excited to have you back here and to finally be able to do a podcast with you. Emily Weir, everyone. Welcome to Life on Cart. Oh my God, I'm so glad to be here. This has been a long time coming.

Yes, I've been so keen. Well, I so deeply loved the conversation that we had at the live show. And I was like, this needs to be for more than just a thousand people. This needs to be out on the platform. Yeah, no, it was such an amazing experience being there with you guys in Adelaide and having people come up after and like sharing their story about how much it resonated. It's like, wow, it is so powerful what you guys are doing. So I'm so glad to be a part of it.

Well, what I do think needs to be shared with more than a thousand people is your embarrassing story. you're accidentally oh no which one well you can pick but you told a brilliant one about your unusual gym routine yeah but that was just with adelaide so should i share that again i mean you can tell whatever level of embarrassingness that you feel comfortable with but i always think like the worse the better well you gotta remember i had a problem with alcohol i've got a problem with alcohol so i got i got a truckload of these babies yeah look okay i'll tell the adelaide one because it's kind of fun it is it's also kind of impressive i think i'm well impressed and i'm

jealous yeah so basically when i first started on home and away i was trying to get really really fit trying to get a six pack for the bikini scenes like we all do running on the beach whatever i don't do that i do still work out but not to that like you know militant level anyway when i was doing it i found that there was a machine that you kind of jump up on and you swing your legs up and you crunch right and so i think it's called the ab crunch is it yeah Yeah. This is at a gym though specifically. It's not like in the comfort of your own home. Absolutely not. I don't have a gym. No, it was at a gym like in public anyway. And I was doing these weights and I had done the ab crunch. I think that's good. Let's call it that. The ab

crunch many times before, but this particular day, obviously my abs were getting stronger and I was like tensing and like, you know, really trying a lot harder. Anyway, I think I was on like rep like 35 and by the time I did a rep from 35 to 50 I started to feel really weird and like kind of like tingly and also like oh what's going on in my lower regions Netherlands yeah the Netherlands yeah and my nether regions and my nether regions it's a part of the world yeah and I started to feel like oh my god and I kept going I kept kind of pushing through it and I I came just to be clear came, came where? In her pants. In my pants. You orgasmed. I orgasmed. You crunched. I reached climax. You crunched to cum. I crunched to cum. If only it were that easy. Honestly, that'll be

the tagline. From crunch to cum. But yeah, so that's what happened. And it was like so weird. And then the embarrassing part and not so embarrassing part is, and God, I feel sorry for anyone who sees me at the gym now, but I now will say that till the end of my workout. just in case just in case it doesn't happen every time it doesn't happen every time but has it happened again since yeah so you can control your orgasm in the gym that is but you know that's only superpower i know i'm sweating because oh my god like this is so full on that i do this yeah i can it's the tension of really pushing and trying hard and you continue through the crunch and it's the motion of it and it's not like i'm sitting there thinking anything

you know when you masturbate you're thinking about things to like get you there I'm not it's literally like a physical thing that like crept up on me and happened and then has happened subsequent times the thing I love about this though is that you're like I save it to the end like it's a reward it's a reward for doing a workout like who loves to work out well you're not gonna orgasm at the start because it's over it's like I'll save it to the end and then I think sometimes I'm like you know because I'm like oh trying really hard with the crunches and I'm like people think i'm just like trying but actually i'm you're just coming for 20 minutes yeah yeah yeah yeah this is my favorite i do fucking great okay i know we need to move on okay is it the

episode's not just about you a lot of women though i do i don't think it does i think you are an anomaly and it's a very special trait that you have thank you but i guess like i don't want to move on from it yet i do want to know like sorry do you do it in silence or do you yeah oh yeah let it come like you just let it out i think the first time it happened i kind of was like oh oh like oh wow but like oh like what did it like oh you know and then I guess it's now so it's not like I'm not coming I'm like silent I just now think anyone who's listened to this episode that ever sees you at a gym is gonna think of this I know hopefully no one ever finds which gym I go to have fun on the ab crunches take me back okay you've been on home and away

for quite a while now but when and how did you get into acting oh good question so basically I I feel like I and this is such a unique not a new unique story like I came out the womb sort of wanting to perform right just always kind of making my family putting them through like watching like Christmas shows with me just like doing 15 different numbers so I kind of was always wanting to perform then I got into dancing then I got into musicals when I was a kid yeah and then I kind of reached puberty and stopped all of that and I like did singing and piano lessons like all of things and I kind of found like boys and drinking and fun and it was no longer cool to be a drama nerd or an artsy yeah it just wasn't cool and I cared about so badly about what people

thought so I just kind of like ditched it even though it's something that I really really wanted to do and then it took me until I moved away and went to London for nearly three years and it was there in London when my drinking was at my the height that I kind of decided that you know I was going to come back to Australia and pursue acting and performing again. And so, yeah, I came back, I got into acting lessons. Then I got into acting school on my first go, which was really, really lucky because that's can be really, it can be a long process for people. And then I got into theater. I did professional theater for quite a few years and then worked in donut shops and hospitality to try and break my way into Sydney. Hand in hand. Yeah. Hand in hand, all

of that stuff. And then, yeah. And then I auditioned for Home and Away and after I'd been sober for about six months and I got Home and Away. Can you tell us though how you got Home and Away? Because you originally weren't the one who was going to be auditioning. No, I know. Okay. So basically my best friend who I lived with, Bella, she, and I lived with my other best friend as well, Meg, three of us actors living together, trying to make it, trying to crack through. And obviously we all have different agents and different agents send different briefs. Anyway, I'd been into Home and Away a few times for different roles and I'd gotten pretty close. And then Bella came home and She was like, here's the audition brief for Mackenzie.

And I was like, I read it. I was like, oh, my God, that's my role. Like that's mine. I want it. And I said to her, can I ask my agent about it? And she was like, absolutely you can. Like may the best man win. What a legend.

Wow. She was probably expecting to win. She was probably, yeah, yeah. She probably was like, I'll say the right thing. Yeah. And so I asked my agent, I said, can I audition for Mackenzie Booth? And she was like, no, they don't want to see you. I was like, what?

Why? And she was like, they just like they've seen enough of your work. this year like they don't want to see you i was like they don't think you're right for it yeah they don't think they're right you're right your essence is you know whatever and i was like no way anyway i hustled annoyed my agent for like a week called every day i was like i want to please can you get me in the rooms get me in the room get me in the room get me right really annoying anyway she finally got sick of me and was like okay i'll try and they had a cancellation someone was sick so they couldn't make their audition can you be there and i was like yes and then the rest is

history how do you go from not even being on the cards for an audition yeah to changing their minds so like how does that flip happen so fundamentally or was it within that one audition that they were like oh actually we can see this like have they given you that insight oh like why they didn't want to see me yeah as in like how they went from being like it's definitely not going to be her to being like all of a sudden after one audition seeing you in a role that they hadn't even though they'd seen so much of you in that year yeah it's interesting I mean no I haven't had that it's a really good conversation that I should have with the producers I mean I knew they liked my work because they were getting me in for particular roles so I knew that they knew I had capability

I don't know why they didn't see me as Mackenzie I think maybe I think when I was drinking so the other times I had auditioned I kind of like was a bit of a had a bit of a wet blanket over my existence you know like I was which look looking back at old self-tapes I can see it now like there's just a different energy that comes through and I think I was sober and I just kind of brought a different energy that I didn't have previously. How did your friend react? Okay, a few things here. How did your friend react?

Are you still friends? Absolutely. And who was it? Do we know who it was? Is it someone we would know? Well, she's now a musician. She's like gone off to do music and she's an incredibly talented musician and she's on the up and up.

But Bella is one of these like hippie, laid back, free love, really good open human being. And she was like, babe, it's meant to be you. Like it's all good. That's so lucky. I don't, I would not be like that. Just so you know, like I'm not that cool. Especially with like, often you think in female relationships, the competition nature that comes in when you're both vying for the similar roles, like the jealousy that can come into play. That's

such a rare attribute to find in a friend. Yeah. And she has taught me and continues to teach me a lot about that. You know, I think I was kind of born with a lot of competitiveness and then it's kind of, you know, instilled in us to kind of constantly be aware of that. and as I get older like you know I really try and steer away from that like sometimes it's my first thought and we don't really have control of our first thought but we can have control of the second and I really try and reframe it now because comparison's the thief of all joy it is true okay a few acting questions do you yeah do you cry on your own can you cry yeah on command or do you need like the drops of saline the tear blower yeah the tear blower which is like a menthol

blower that a makeup artist will and it burns your eyeball and it burns your eyeball and then all these tears come out no I don't I don't use the tear blower no I think I mean how deep do you want to go into this I'll just go I think rhetorical question you'll you'll cut around it you'll cut around it because I'm long-winded and I'm trying not to be but basically I think for me one of the biggest attractions to me and acting growing up is that I didn't often feel comfortable in real life to be vulnerable just due to family situations. There was, you know, kind of violence in the house and things like that. I felt very repressed. And so when I started to do acting, I recognized that I could use kind of the repressed sadness and anger and fuel it in

a way in a space that I had permission to do it and it was actually utilized and you know rewarded basically so that's kind of how it started for me like the ability to be vulnerable that was the initial attraction now obviously playing Mackenzie and having to cry very often there is like a process that I go through if I know it's a really big scenes like scenes throughout the day I really try and get into like the thing that's underneath that connects me to Mackenzie so if like she's upset about if there's a grief it's like okay when have I experienced grief like what does grief feel like where does it sit in my body and I kind of do like a breathe I just breathe into it breathe into it breathe into it you know and if she's lonely like loneliness like the thing something

about loneliness really gets me like if I feel really lonely and really scared and just kind of trying to mold those two worlds together it is a technique that you kind of everyone's different but you kind of hone it and like train it over time and it does become easier how do you find and I guess you may not have anything to compare it to since acting's been such a big part of your life yeah but in terms of dating and being an actress yes have you ever experienced like how do people interpret that and how do they react to that because there's obviously scenes that for some people would make them insecure or for other people they're like are you acting now is this the real you like are you really coming yeah you're so quiet I don't know I mean did you go to the

gym today and totally there must be some people who may be intimidated by the career of acting yeah I mean absolutely and like actors we're all different but like we are like we're pretty dramatic you know there's a lot of things that go on I mean people that I've dated I always take my hat off to them because I would find it even being an actress an actor I would find it hard watching someone I'm in love with like hook up and go to bed with on screen quote-unquote with someone else I mean, it really is for me, it's such a choreography, but you know, and there's nothing like I haven't had an experience where I've, you know, wanted to date a co-star or anything like that.

I've been really lucky in that way. Cause I think that can be really hard, but yeah, no, I think it is intimidating probably for some people, but the people that I have dated, it's kind of, I don't know, they kind of understand it. And you know, there, there definitely has been, I would be lying to say like there hasn't been people I've dated who haven't been insecure about it, but I try and just kind of keep it really open and honest. And like, if you have any questions, I know it's fucking weird. Like come and ask me, you know, like you can meet the people I'm working with. Like there's nothing

because it is like, it's an odd thing as I'm sure as like a romantic partner to experience. So yeah. You know, and with the whole, like, are you acting now? Like, are you crying? Yeah. I mean, there have been plenty of arguments in people with people that I've dated where they're like, oh, is this just you acting? Oh, really? And I'm like, oh, good one. Yeah, you're using the acting card. So yeah, I mean, it comes up, but I'm like, whatever. Because I act all day of my life as a job. I really crave authenticity as soon as I step off a set. So it's like the most real version of me is when I'm like not on set. Like it's just because you can't live in that space too long. It's just not good for you because it's not real. So it's not pretend. I'm just, I'm literally

playing dress up every day. Like sometimes I walk around on set and I'm like, I've just got like little shoes, like these high heels on a little top in a house. That's not really real. It's just built. It's like, we're all just little Barbies, like walking around. Make-believe. It's all make-believe, you know, it's incredibly fun, but it's also like, Oh wow. Like this is, I still have pinch me moments where I'm like, this is just, we're just on a set pretending to be people. It's wild. Em, I so deeply want to talk about your journey towards sobriety and like what your relationship was like to alcohol in your 20s because i think the big thing is is for most of us we see our 20s and you know 18 19 as like the time of binge drinking it's not deemed as there

being any issue if you do party hard or you do you know drink to excess it's kind of just like a rite of passage for a lot of people it's almost applauded right like you know oh man i passed out on the weekend you know when your teenage friends runs like oh fucking that was crazy you know like sorry everyone there's no one that looks at that time or it's very rare to go okay i have a this is a problem do you mean most people justify it as though you're either the life of the party or it's part and parcel of being in your 20s what was that experience like for you yeah exactly that it was just that thing of i just remember being so excited to start drinking my mother bless her i guess she was worried what happened to happen because it happened but you know she was super

super strict on me so i wasn't like the kid at home who was like you're allowed like two cruises if you go to this party in grade 10 it was like you are not allowed anything ever no which kind of inflamed more of a rebellious streak in me anyway so I was like on the hunt and I'd always remembered always always having such a excitement about booze like something around it I think that's just being young but even from a very young age like like five or six just being like I want that wine like I want I want to try it from six yeah like I just remember like asking my mom if like you know how your parents had a wine there'd be like a little bit left I'd be like can I try it can I try it I'd really want to try it all the time and she'd be like no like stop asking me

which is just weird like so weird that your mum was worried about you when you wanted alcohol since you're six yeah yeah yeah yeah so weird so weird and then her dad was an alcoholic so so weird but anyway I quickly was just like right into it like right into it with everyone from like 13 14 and just going hard and what I noticed is I could out drink everybody the amount that I could drink was just a lot and I would never ever vomit but when you say you could out drink everyone like what was it that you were doing that was then a problem like because if you're like it was fine I was you know I could drink more than them but I was oh no it was a personality shift that kind of got worse as I got older when I was younger I guess it was more disguised and like this is all

new and this is all fun and we're all being dramatic and it laid dormant like the well of the problem itself until I got a bit older but when I say older I mean like you know 17 but basically what would happen is I'd be live at the party up on the tables thinking I'm Beyonce and then like one drink over and then I'm the devil like I'm on the sniff for a fight I want to like fight with people I'm trying to be below the belt like with my best friends randoms anyone anyone if I was in that mood and someone came into my line of sight that it was on it's nuts it's nuts to think about now. When you say you're egging for a fight, you mean a physical fight or you were just like a bit of a bitch to be around? It started off being a bit of a bitch to be

around, but I guess the more things that were chaotic in my life, it depended on like the scale of how much I would unleash when I drank. I wasn't looking for a physical fight. No, I mean, that was a result of some of the times when I was being such an asshole when I was drinking, naturally people were like, shut the fuck up. But that was a result, but it wasn't that it was more wanting to have like a sparring emotional fight, you know, just an emotional fight. Like I wanted to spray anger and make people feel bad because I felt so bad inside. Did you ever put yourself in a dangerous or unsafe situation? Countless times. Seriously, by the grace of the universe, I don't even know how in some of the situations I put myself in, not only in this country, but overseas,

I've traveled the world. Like I've traveled Europe, you know, I've been in the middle of Greece, like waking up in like a garden bed and no one can find me for like 12 hours. Cause I started to have bloody Mary's at like nine o'clock in the morning. And by three o'clock in the afternoon, I'd passed out and no one could find me like just crazy stuff to happen all the time. But you know, like you described this idea of you would have that one drink and then you have this like personality change and your version of it is extreme. But I would go so far as to say that a lot of people have that. Like if you've nicknamed your alter ego, your drinking alter ego, then there's a flip and like when i was in my 20s it was rara i know you have an alter ego name

prue is not someone you want to mess with alter ego i didn't have one yeah but i also think i mean you know in the conversations that we've had brit like you've never really gone through a period of your life where you've had a problem with drinking no i absolutely haven't and that's what i mean yeah which is why it's fascinating but i probably would call it gg anyway yeah okay i just want to fit in i probably call it gg though yeah if i did what i take from that though even though yours is like such an extreme version of it is like so many people do tip over that mark and then they pick fights with their boyfriends or they pick fights with their girlfriends and i don't mean in a necessarily overtly aggressive way but they're passive aggressive they say things

that are nasty that they don't know why they've said them yeah and the next day they wake up and their partner's like hey you were not cool last night and you're like sorry I guess I'll try not to do that again but then the behavior repeats itself absolutely and I know for me like it became an issue in my relationships it was the people who I was dating in my life who would say I don't like the way that you are when you drink it's not nice to be around yeah and it took me a really long time to get to a place where I realized actually I was the problem not them when I was drinking when did you have the revelation that something was wrong that this wasn't fun anymore yeah it's so funny it's like that thing isn't it like you're the last to find out that it's you

you know what I mean like everyone else knew and the truth is people would say to me all the time you need to stop you know my friends tried to have interventions like I ruined that many family Christmases like you know but again it was under the guise of like you're 25 and I was like I'm 25 yeah and so I kind of just fobbed it off every time someone tried to be serious about it with me I'd be like I'll get over it no I'm not and I was in just such denial I was just in such denial that I really didn't think it was the alcohol that was the problem. You know, I'd go as far to say I would attribute it to like anxiety, to like trauma, and all those things are underneath the surface

of alcoholism for me. But alcohol only exacerbated them. It didn't clear them out. It actually made them worse. But I'd gotten back from overseas. I was dating someone at the time. I'd had a plethora of like really bad instances all happen, you know, like ruined family Christmas, ruined my relationship

with my cousin for a while. you know there were things that had happened across like a short period of time and I'd had a fight with my partner at the time and I was very much inebriated I had blackout like I didn't remember what happened but I had ended up at my mom's house there was like a physical altercation between us nothing extreme just like me trying to leave them trying to make me stay me being like I want to go and blah blah blah blah blah and then there was a physical thing trying to get out the door and then I ended up at my mom's house and I tried to pick a like verbal fight with her and she was just like you know go the fuck to bed like I can't and I just remember in the morning

it was like a Tuesday do you know what I mean it's like a fucking Tuesday yeah and it makes me so sad to think about just like to what I put my mum through having to see her daughter like with a problem and you know and she'd had experienced that growing up as well and it's just so scary anyway and she came into my room that morning and she kind of looked at me I had this weird epiphany where I was an old lady in my dream that morning which sounds really hippy-dippy but it happens to be true and it was like me drinking a mug at a piano by myself with gray hair and talking to myself this was a dream that you had that night and you woke up that morning no that morning so my mom opened the door in the morning like looked in looked at me with disappointed eyes shut the

door then I went back into that like half micro sleep and yeah it was this thing where I was like at a piano and the like camera like zoomed out like if I'm the perception it zoomed out and there's this old woman talking to herself laughing and no one's around she's by herself talking to herself because she's gone nuts and it was like me as an older woman and would you say you were an alcoholic 100 i am an alcoholic it's that thing being an alcoholic you don't recover fully it's there's no cure for alcoholism you have a day-to-day reprieve and you commit to sobriety and you do things to counteract the alcoholism but i am definitely an alcoholic yeah when you wake up from a dream like that and you had this epiphany yeah because I think for a lot of people

there's this back and forth in terms of like trying to be sober going back to drinking trying to be sober when you kind of had that realization and you can say like I am an alcoholic when was it that you understood and learned that that means that's forever that doesn't mean you take a break and then you go back to it how did you learn okay well this is me and this is what I'm dealing with and this is a long-term problem? Such a great question. It's a weird thing because I kind of stopped drinking that day because I was like, I felt everyone pulling away from me. I felt my partner pulling away from me, my friends, my mom, like I'd felt like people didn't want to be around me anymore. And so I kind of made a commitment that day to like not drink. And then I started

to have a really good time because people liked me more. People wanted to be around me. And now when you have alcoholism, they say, you know, it's, you have a big ego, low self-esteem, but it's covered by this big bravado. So people liking me and being like, you're back. We love you. Look how funny you are. You didn't need to drink. You know, I rode that wave for a long time. It wasn't until only in recent times, actually, like in the last couple of years that I had a nervous breakdown in sobriety. Like I had a nervous breakdown and I wasn't committed to working a recovery program, I kind of just had stopped drinking. But the thing about alcoholism is alcohol is the medicine, right? Like it keeps what you think calm and sane because you're

feeling so out of control. Well, I was, I can only speak of my experience, but what I didn't treat was the disease of alcoholism, which is the disease of thinking. It's the way your mind thinks it's addictive. It's compulsive. It's obsessive. It's an obsessive nature. And so my alcoholism drifted cause it wasn't being treated with recovery. And by that, I mean a 12 step program by that. I mean, you know, seeking help, like all of those things. And I wasn't doing that. I was just abstaining from actually drinking. And so my alcoholic thinking went into heaps of different avenues. What were they like? So the way I'm interpreting this is like, yeah, you have an addictive personality and you channel that addiction into something else. Yeah. And so for

that it was my weight became a huge thing i was working out three hours a day i was counting calories and i was like this is amazing because i'm just thinking i'm killing it and also we live in a world where they're like you're skinny amazing you're beautiful you're beautiful you're an actor look at you look so good you've lost so much weight oh my god meanwhile like you're starving but you've never had so much reinforcement yeah but i actually did that thing where and it's so sad like as women right like we just fuck man I would be excited by the prospect of the hunger feeling because it meant that my stomach was shrinking yeah I was excited by that it's so hard to fight against that when you have so many people affirming how good you look and I think

that there's so many people who are listening to this who will relate to the fact that potentially the unhealthiest they were was when everyone was telling them that they looked the best 100% definitely for me but that's the thing I didn't know that that was my alcoholism kind of trying to like sneak out into that right so I and I thought it was healthy I'm running every day right like I'm getting all these accolades and I was so green in the industry too like this entertainment industry if you don't have good mentors good people to look up to you can really get away with you really quickly and then obviously one of my big ones and it's still one I work on now is codependency. I'm a Coco, I'm a Coco, I'm a Coco, I'm a Coco. So yeah,

learning about that particular behavior in kind of love and love addiction, but also just that codependency, like only knowing how I am through how my partner is that kind of shadowing stuff like that. Yeah. So that's also something that it came out in during that time. And then when I had a nervous breakdown, my therapist at the time was like, I think you might be suffering from being a dry drunk which is someone who is an alcoholic but doesn't actually deal with the alcoholism in an emotional way what did that manifest like when you say you know you went through a breakdown for you and you're dealing with the anxiety like what happened so weird so weird so basically i just one day stopped sleeping in terms of insomnia or you're choosing

not to no no i literally i went to bed one night and i felt like i couldn't sleep and i didn't have a good night's sleep but rather than it just being like that thing when you're like I'm not having a good sleep like who cares I became I woke up and I felt sick and like I couldn't I was like how about if I don't sleep again because I you know repetitive thought and like the anxiety like the cortisol that was running through my body at the time and this is the thing about the body right like the body tells the truth it was like my system I was burnt out I was in a relationship that I wasn't thriving in I was acting against my values in a lot of situations I was basing a lot of my decisions based on fear I was very body like a lot was going on and I think my whole system just

got enough of the bully within and was like pay attention bitch and it did that through the vice of me not being able to sleep so I actually had my full attention on like I can't sleep I can't sleep and I have anxiety anyway and so when I couldn't sleep I was like what's going on what's going, am I going crazy? Like, why can't I sleep? And then that cortisol like became a cycle. It was like, just worried about sleeping, couldn't sleep, anxious about being anxious. Like this whole repetitive thing happened, having insomnia about being an insomniac, you know? And so it was just this crazy looping cycle. And it was wild. It was the wildest six months. When we were at the Adelaide live show, you spoke about how you had almost like sobriety had become

part of your identity. You were like, I'm a sober one now. And you know, everyone congratulates you. and it's kind of like you wore it as a bit of a not a badge of honor I don't want to say but like it does become part of your identity to be able to say that with pride but you mentioned that you had a moment where even though you had been sober for so long and you went through this period that you woke up feeling like you needed to have a drink this one day yeah for me becoming more aware of what kind of mental illness that I suffer with really and still it's hard to accept like it's hard to accept there are times where i'm like and this is part of the alcoholism term like am i like am i like am i actually do i really have anxiety like do what like you know like do i

it's like no the evidence is overwhelming you know but i still have days where i don't want to accept it i don't want to be someone who's sick or unwell or have a disease right like it's really hard well even on a base level humans don't want to admit or accept that we are flawed or that we have flaws. Yeah, absolutely. And now I can honestly say I'm a grateful alcoholic. Like I'm grateful that I'm having anxiety because it's given me so much more compassion and it's made me wake up and get to know myself in so many ways. But back to your question, Lauren, because I know I get lost. Yeah. There was a particular time when I was in this suffering, like this emotional turmoil, not being able to sleep, very depressed, highly anxious, all of that. And I thought,

well if it doesn't shift I could always drink you know if it doesn't shift it can always drink and also I used to have this thing where I really recognized with a friend of mine when we're having a chat and she went so do you think you'll like never drink again and I was like you know to be honest if I get nominated for an academy award I'm gonna rent out a hotel room put all the blinds down and like get fucking wasted so and that's the disease like it was a reward like the thing that nearly fucked up my life if i got something that i really wanted i would destruct it by getting fucked up so you know what i mean yeah but the thing is as well is when you've used and it's almost like i think about my relationship with alcohol in my 20s and it was that i was

insecure yeah it made me feel confident and i felt like i was the life of the party and it made me be able to do the things that I don't think I could have done without it. And so then what do you do when you take it away? You have to deal with all the things and all the insecurities that are there that you've been using alcohol to mask. And so how do you then deal with that when you're like, cool, I don't have this blanket anymore. I have to deal with the anxiety. I have to deal with all of these things that this has been cloaking. And yes, it's been creating more problems, but I haven't had to deal with it when I'm the life of the party. How do you deal with that? It's really hard. It's really, really fucking hard. And that's just, that has been

my experience. Like, but the thing is the alcohol, the substance, whatever it was, right? Like whatever was on the go, that was putting me a step away from ever actually dealing with the actual problem with the insecurity, with the unworthiness, with the social anxiety, with the not feeling enough, like the alcohol masked that for me. And it made me feel really calm and great and loud. But as soon as you take that away, you then have to look inward. I'm like, what am I doing? And why am I doing it? And where is this coming from? And you have to reflect. And seriously, that is hard stuff. A lot of stuff came up for me and a lot of stuff comes up for a lot of people, which is why I strongly advise if you are listening to this and you do think you have a

problem, do not do that alone. You know what I mean? Like have support around you. There are so many free services, so much you can research and do. And, you know, taking that inward journey of sobriety, when you have to feel your feelings and you can't escape them and you have to understand where they have come from, that's a really big, brave, courageous journey. But on the other side of that pain is freedom, more freedom. I have more freedom now than I ever had when I was drinking. I have more freedom now, you know, and that is because I had to look at the problems and I continue to look at the problems and I continue to go in there with adequate support around me and look and talk and communicate all of that with people, you know,

and I don't have many secrets anymore, you know. I don't. Like I was a really – you're as sick as your secrets. Like I had a lot built up, a lot repressed and a lot I couldn't talk about. I don't feel that way anymore. You've mentioned a few times about this anxiety that's reared its ugly head. Yes.

But where did that come from and when did it start? And what I mean by that is was that something that preceded the alcoholism and the drinking is something you always battled or is it a by-product of the alcoholism? I definitely, so when I had my first anxiety attack at 19, I was already drinking then. So the drinking had already started. I don't think the anxiety was a result of, well,

it could have been actually. It could have been a result of the partying and the drinking. But I also had OCD as a child and I still have OCD. OCD is another thing. So I had that as a kid. I know this is just a really fun mixed bag. It's actually, no, but it is. Do you know what I mean?

It's just like what doesn't she have? No, but it's because these things are all linked. They're all anxiety. They all live within the same family. They actually are. They actually are. That is such a good point and so true. But you also get to orgasm whenever you want on demand at the gym.

Exactly. At least I get that. You can't have it all, I am like. Exactly. You can't. Take it. You can't have it all. And I'm left-handed.

Creative. Yeah. We're only 9% of the world. It's hard. You can't write a birthday card. Anyway, so I had OCD as a kid and then I didn't know what that was. everyone just laughed at me because I was doing weird stuff like blinking 23 times before I got off the bus I mean it was really cool that is strange it was strange and like just weird things

yeah and my parents didn't know what the fuck was going on with me I didn't know what was going on with me it's just one of those things that you just do because I was trying to control I felt so out of control that I was trying to control the outside anyway and then that kind of continued I got more sneaky with my OCD and so it wasn't as overt because obviously I didn't want people to like not like me or not hang around me I think the anxiety was already there due to the OCD but I think when I was 19 and I had my first panic attack that was after a very big night weekend of drinking and I didn't know what was happening I thought I had toxic shock syndrome from my tampon because I'd left my tampon in too long you know when you did that when you were clubbing

and you were like I'm gonna die I was like oh my god mom call the ambulance like I'm dying like I've got toxic shock and she looked at me and she didn't know what the fuck to do and when she called the ambulance and the ambulance came to the house after my first panic attack one of the guys lit a cigarette because he's like you're not dying you've just had an anxiety attack I was like what's that he's like you just you've just got anxiety I was like what is that what is that but also there was no conversation around it then there was no conversation and I went to a psychiatrist and she said to me do you have anxiety in the family I'm like nah she's like so no one in your family suffers from anxiety I was like no what is this and she goes do you have alcoholism in your family

I was like everywhere she's like there it is that's what it is everyone no one doesn't have Yeah, I was like, what do you mean? And she said, well, then everyone, you know, people drink to mask their anxieties. Like that is something that happens. Not all people, but that is what happens. So when the anxiety diagnosis happened, rather than stopping drinking, I drank more because I was like I don't want to have a panic attack.

I don't want to have another panic attack everywhere. So to cure the amount of cortisol running through my body, I'd just drink more and that's when the drinking really went whee. So when you got to this point where you were like this is, you know because you've almost had like two separate revelations you had the revelation of I'm gonna stop drinking yeah then you had the revelation of like no this is I have just diverted the issue into another part of my body and this is what it is I'm dealing with yeah what was the next steps like how do you then go I can't do this on my own was it a google search how do

you then build a community around you that takes care of you such a good question I was really fortunate like people were put in my path at the exact right time who had good strong recovery and a good strong program just by chance that happened and so I was kind of led towards a recovery program and it absolutely changed and saved my life it is a big commitment I had to really like commit to my recovery I had to put it first you know and I had to do those things but in terms of I mean there's not there was there's seriously not a self-help book I haven't like cited or like a monk I don't know you know like I really went through like a transitional period of wanting to understand more about my internal life and like why I suffer the things

that I suffer and how I can best nurture myself and things like that so there is a hundred percent and when I refer to these recovery programs due to the anonymity of them they are available online you can do a simple google search about any kind of addiction that you're suffering with and you'll be directly led to where you need to go which is a community of people who are like-minded and want the same thing to kind of live a sober life did you ever have a moment being that you're in your twenties at the time where you were like, this is too young. And this is something that feels shameful or feels embarrassing to talk to my friends about. A hundred percent. I was so distracted. That's the thing. I didn't even, I was so asleep. You know what I mean? Like I was so

not awake to what was actually going on with me. And I was so angry. God, I was angry. I was an angry girl. And so, yeah, I didn't want to show any vulnerability. I didn't want to say like, I'm scared. What's wrong with me? I have weird thoughts sometimes. Like I tap the light and I do weird, you know what I mean? Like I didn't, I was running away from everything that I was like, and what I was was just a really scared, really scared little girl, you know? And she still lives inside of me and she lives in all of us, but I, she just wasn't getting the nurturing that she needed. And part of that nurturing is being able to say like, I'm scared. And I couldn't do that because i was just masking the opposite like i'm hard i'm tough i'm you know and i just

wanted to be the fucking rock and roll like yeah i did across me you know like i wanted people to fear me because i was so fucking scared of everyone because we see vulnerability too as a weakness totally yeah we see the second somebody cries or admits that they need help unless they have a problem yeah we which is completely inaccurate yeah that's the way we always present ourselves like i don't need i'm the strong one i'm the rock of the family or the friendship group i don't need help what do you reckon the biggest misconceptions are around alcoholism because i feel like the first thing you think of when you hear the word alcoholic is somebody elderly on a park bench on a park bench in a paper bag that you know they've got teeth missing and like you know

that's what i feel like most people initially go to yeah yeah and seriously like we're all a sneeze away from that us addicts no but it is like it's fascinating like even for myself i thought the same thing I was like an alcoholic that's like an old person who like you know doesn't have their shit together but no it's the biggest misconception it really is like I was an alcoholic from a very young age and what needs to happen is people who are comfortable with talking about their sobriety should talk about their sobriety because it looks like so many different things you know it really really does and the thing with alcoholism specifically is like it only gets worse you know if it's not treated like it doesn't alcoholism doesn't ever really often get better and if it

does it's very minute so if you are someone who feels like you might have a problem like no harm investigating and also like i think if you're someone who feels like they have a problem it's probably also because you've been told by the people who care about you that you have a problem with it like it affects your relationship more than anything but when you say that like the first thing that comes to mind for me is this idea of like mummy wine culture like you know when you you think of an alcoholic and you do think of this like person who's destitute they're homeless they're you know like they don't have anything around them and they're going and buying a bottle of bourbon in the middle of the day but my exposure now as being a mum is people who you would not

think are alcoholics who have kids and who are working from home and just have been picking up a drink from 10 a.m in the morning yeah pouring themselves wine and like I guess for me they have been the most surprising conversations I've had. And really thinking like, because you have three little kids, like how are you in this situation? But I think it's an illness that doesn't discriminate. I'd a hundred percent. And there's a really good quote. And I think it was Viola Davis who said it. Queen. Queen. I mean, oh my God. And it was something about human beings problems, right? Like there are, there are rich people and there are poor people and everybody has the same problems. Everybody. It's just that poor people don't have the resources to mask it. Yeah. And

that's the same with addiction it's so true it's just the problem the diagnosis the disease it is the same whether you are from the low socioeconomic whether you're from the high but if you're up here you are more of a functioning alcoholic because you have the resources to cover it that's it it doesn't mean you don't have a problem it really doesn't and i say that with compassion but it is that thing like you know alcoholism addiction any of these things this is not just for people who of a certain class this is for everyone yeah and just because you may be able to have an assistant to pick you up in the morning or you know it doesn't mean if you're drinking in a way to mask something if you're drinking to hide if you're drinking to numb if you know the intention is

why you're drinking it's for everyone like it really affects everybody so if there's somebody that's listening right now that loves to drink they sometimes binge drink they're listening and they're like well am I an alcoholic like what's the difference between being an alcoholic and actually having a problem and just really loving doing the life of the party and loving that feeling totally what is that line what would you say it's really hard I mean and see I can only speak on my experience because I think people come to the recognition of having a problem through so many different things a variety of different ways this doesn't apply to everyone there are so many people so many of my friends and family who can drink and have the best time

you know and that's great like they just don't suffer with this thing but I'll speak on myself like I knew that there was a problem because I would wake up and have so much shame hot and cold sweats just this like really deep internal like sick I felt ill like I felt emotionally spiritually like sick with who I had been the night before the things that I would do were so outrageous and just because I had that Jekyll and Hyde thing where I was like two different people. And you like have to call around and be like, what did I say? What did I do last night? And I think that was a really, I was so fortunate because that was so obvious there was something wrong, but that doesn't mean all alcoholics are Jekyll and Hyde either. You know, people can just

drink to excess. People can just feel socially anxious and numb, and then they can't kind of stop. There are so many different ways that you can come to this realization and it's really hard. And what you said to Laura about people noticing around you, like people who love you, that's always a good indicator too but it's really about the individual and how they come to it you know I was just actually quite fortunate that mine was so obvious what has been the impacts on your life since you have stopped drinking and since not just stopping drinking but finding a solution that is helping you manage all the aspects in which you can kind of then funnel this into my life without alcohol there's absolutely no way that they're really and I mean that there is no

way that I could do what I do now if I had been drinking if I was drinking because that was my main that was my whole life was when can I get the next drink when can I relieve myself of being in this head in this but like when can I escape it and what I do now I can be present I mean I still you know have other things I can get distracted by but like I can be present I can be real with myself and I'm on the pursuit of being really authentic like I can't there's just no way that if I was drinking, that I would be as fortunate as I've been to have the career I've had this far. And career is one thing, right? But just like the person I am, I feel like I really thought, you know, my alcoholism led me down a path of really feeling like I was a bad person,

deeply bad, like deeply unworthy, deeply like messed up, fucked up, all that. Like I'm crazy. And if anyone comes too near me or gets to know me too much, they'll know and they'll abandon me. and that this journey of recovery and sobriety has allowed me to go into all of that. And I no longer feel that way about myself. You know, there are days, my God, like we're women of a patriarchy, like, hello, like it's not all fucking great, but I'm much more in the realm of liking myself, which is huge, which is huge because it changes everything. And also the impacts on your relationships around you. A hundred percent. Yeah. Like I've been able to be there for people in a real way like I'm not manipulating or conniving or I mean I still have my bad days but the people

I choose to surround my energy with too and like a lot of people fall by the wayside right like when you stop drinking like when you stop a certain behavior a lot of relationships that once used to be really buoyant now no longer serve you and that's okay like it doesn't mean that they're wrong it doesn't mean anyone's wrong it just means that I'm now more not selective but I really try and put my energy towards people who kind of feel the same way about life as I do not in terms of sobriety, all my friends drink. I just mean in terms of the kinds of people they are on the inside. And I think sometimes addiction can, you can hang around some pretty interesting folk. Well, I also think when you're in that space of drinking, you hang around with people

who enable your ability to do it. They're the people who want to go out and party. They're the people who, and that's what the friendships are built on. So then when you stop, you have no reason to spend time with them because they're not wanting to go and do the Bon at a Bronte Wharf, you know. No one wants to go see sculptures by the sea at 8 in the morning. Well, it's a commonality. It's why we hang out with anyone because we have a commonality. You don't ask your friend that loves to surf if they want to go play tennis

when they hate tennis and they don't even want to surf. You ask the friend that loves tennis. Well, you might ask them to play tennis. That's still a sport. But you might not ask them to go and get a bag on a Saturday, you know. Yeah, totally. I would never ask anyone to get a bag on a Saturday. But you know what I mean.

Like that is the commonality. It's what bonds you together. But it's so interesting when we say that, right, because I think about this a lot, like what bonds you together. Commonality of like tennis and like whatever. I don't know why I had that analogy, by the way. No. Surfing and tennis.

I'm like. No, it was good. But in terms of, you know, commonality of being drinking, like I was talking to my friend the other day and we were talking about alcoholism and he was like, oh, yeah, I'm going away with the boys this weekend. And I'm like, yeah, cool, cool, cool. And he's like, you know, we were talking about drinking and stuff

and I said, could you go away with a group of men and not drink? Like could you as all men who go on a way on a boys trip, could you not drink? Could you not do drugs? could you just actually be and he's like absolutely no fucking way yeah because what would they do like what would they do and so what is that so it is bonding people together but it's not actual bonding it's a permission slip to do things or to say things that can be not taken as seriously or you can show parts of yourself you know there is when people drink they do show some sides of

themselves that they wouldn't otherwise show good and bad it is exactly that it is a permission slip you're like, well, my inhibitions are lowered. So I can tell you all the things about myself that otherwise, if I was to tell you these things when I was completely sober, you might think I'm weird, but you're sharing and I'm sharing and it becomes this mutual space. And I do think most people who have experienced it would agree. Like you go out for a drink with someone who was an acquaintance and then you have a big night and at the end of it, your best friends and it changes that relationship. So it's like for a lot of people, they use it as a binding agent, you know, for their friendship. Totally. And it's so interesting, isn't it? Us as human beings,

it's like, why isn't it enough just to be here? Like, why do we need the bonding agent? And I'm not saying don't do it. I just find it so interesting that like, you know, you're all best mates, you're going away on a trip together, but there's no way you could do it if you weren't drinking. So are you best mate? You know, just all these human needs that we have, we kind of neglect them. And so we numb out the feelings or we numb to reconnect to those feelings. And I think booze is kind of that lubricant for those kind of connections and I just find it really it's so interesting it's so interesting and it's not bad or good or here nor there but I'm so glad that I can say like I don't need to have a drink to connect with the people I love

like I just I've done enough work that I don't need that anymore and it's interesting when you you don't have to tell us but actually you do are you dating I'm dating oh yeah I'm dating one particular lucky person exclusively or just just you know just dating i'm not i don't really spread my wings too far like i don't is this a riddle are we trying to work this out yeah okay well i'm sort of dating it's something that's not solidified it's just yeah yeah doors yeah you can tell us off mike so when you have been dating previously or slash when you met your person now yes do you find it difficult because I feel like the go-to here is hey yeah you want to grab a drink like let's catch up for a drink that seemed to be the go-to for dating

what has the response been like when someone someone asks you for a drink you're like I don't drink yeah yeah it's literally that like thank god don't worry no but also okay when I first got sober I was working do you guys know the imperial in Erskineville yeah yeah okay so I worked I ran Priscilla's down there so I kind of exposed myself to the world of alcohol like I was working in bars but sober but sober so I like through exposure to that I don't have a weird thing being around people who drink which is one of the best things I ever did in my recovery is like to not fear the bottle itself so when people say you know hey do you want to go for a drink I say oh my god totes let's go for a drink I don't drink don't care if you drink obviously I don't

have any interest in dating someone with a drinking problem but it doesn't bother me if they want to drink but generally you know if they're cool and legit they'll be like oh no we don't have to go for a drink let's go for a coffee instead or you know la la la I'm like yeah great so it kind of works that way but I'm very upfront with it I feel like it's a really great way of just weeding out people instantly like if people have a problem with it then they're not going to be the right people for you like it's a pretty clear-cut way of navigating who are worth investing your time in totally and I have this saying now too it's like if I tell the truth I can't get that sick do you know what I mean so if I just can be straight up and just be like that's what I was

gonna ask do you feel like on a first date or very early on you have to explain your past and what you've gone through and how you've gotten to where you are in a form of not just letting them know but almost a form of protection for yourself like this is what I've been through yeah if you're gonna be this heavy party animal that's gonna be probably not great for my life like we'll weed that out now do you feel like you need to be really up front with them early on I mean I kind to gauge it you know like I wouldn't sit there and probably go through all my trauma but like if I yeah like I you know I wouldn't be like coffee so OCD blinking 23 times in the bath led to you know also can come at the gym no they'd love that yeah yeah no I don't I kind of yeah like if it comes up

I'm more than happy to talk about it I kind of have like ridded out any shame around my story like it's something I still continue to do but I kind of yeah it doesn't phase me it's enough to know like that I don't drink and if they have questions I have answers but you know I guess they can gauge probably from me being like I don't drink that if they're a party animal they ain't gonna come back I ain't giving a second date and that's okay with me you know and that's something you naturally will find out along the way too you know like you just yeah you just find it out well I love that you are coming on and sharing it and to reiterate that there is no need to have any shame and I know you've moved past that but if it is anyone that's listening that

It does feel that. I imagine that is an emotion that most people in your situation would feel at some point and it is something you move through. But you coming on and speaking so openly about what you've been through, your OCD, your alcoholism, your anxiety. I didn't know the OCD was going to come up. That was fun for everyone. Or a sneaky little bugger though.

It creeps up when you're least expected. It creeps up on you. Yeah, and you're just sitting here blinking right now. No, but I mean. I just thought you were sleeping. This is. it's these sorts of conversations that change like it changes the face of it because the reason why people feel shameful is because exactly that image that we spoke about that picture that we all have

of what constitutes someone who's an alcoholic and so nobody who doesn't identify with that wants to believe that they could possibly have those issues or could possibly be dealing with those things and so i agree with what you said earlier and it's so important for people of all walks of life yeah to talk about it because it just gives a face to and allows people to go maybe this is what i'm dealing with totally and when i was younger or whatever i do i don't even have to be younger you know if you're just someone who is curious or questioning or whatever like it's so nice to have people in the public forum who go yeah i have this thing and it's okay and there's it's workable and all that kind of stuff and i also just want to like i feel like at points

of this podcast i was kind of you know i'm not at all shaming people who drink like if you can not at all it has not come across oh good because it really like alcohol yeah good because alcohol should be enjoyed by those who can do it and still to this day it wasn't my lot in life but you know and hopefully another lifetime it will be but you just you know there's absolutely no shame if you're someone who enjoys a fucking party like good on you man like that's awesome em thank you so much for coming and joining the podcast we absolutely adore you oh i love you guys so much thank you so grateful to do it oh my god it's been my pleasure i'm so good to have you like talk to you to have you both it's great to have you both on my podcast

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.