Life Uncut - Are You the Friend Who Disappears When You're in a Relationship? Lizzo Has Quit & Laura's Questioning Plane Etiquette

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

Hey Lifers, We hope you all had wonderful Easter weekends; whether that is with or without egg hunts and hat parades! Laura shares her feelings around adding magic to special events so that they become your really important memories. Laura is in Bali and has had quite an eventful plane ride. She's curious as to how you'd handle this plane etiquette and Keeshia thinks the passive aggressive route is best.Have you ever felt as though a friend bailed on you when they got in to a relationship? Has this become a bit of a pattern? Are you possibly the friend who deprioritises friendship when you get into a relationship?We discuss the difference between a natural evolution of a friendship, a shift in life stages and expectations of the intensity of friendship.  We spoke with Dr Hannah Korell about breaking up with toxic friends here Plus we speak about Lizzo quitting. Is it the result of being guilty in the 'court' of public opinion or have problematic trolls just been given the green light to attack her because of the allegations against her? Is she cancelled? Do you think someone should be hired to perform at an event like a political fundraiser when they have active allegations such as sexual assault allegations against them?  We previously spoke about Lizzo here You can watch us on Youtube If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm producer Keisha, filling in for Brit while she's in the African jungle. But Laura, she's yet to eat something weird. I want to check, sorry, straight off the bat, she said before she went into the jungle,

she was like, guys, don't vote for me to do the trials because they're gross and they're weird. I'm vetoing that. I'm saying, sorry, Brit, love you, but I want to see you eat some testicles. Well, I think that this is the question though, right? I would also like to see Brit eat some testicles. i'm sure ben doesn't want to see her eat some testicles but you know what it's all for a good cause i think that there's twofold as to how people attack the jungle some people like to go under the radar because then it means that they don't have to do all of the disgusting but the

only way that you actually get airtime is by doing all of the disgusting feral trials and so now we are at the point where unfortunately guys we do not need to protect brittany anymore we need to to throw her under the proverbial I'm a celebrity bus. So please go and vote so that this week at least she's doing one of the foul Tucker trials because I think she's had it too easy so far. She would be absolutely raging at us. Yes, vote. Do it.

This is our time. I also did figure out how to vote because that was a question that I had. You can go onto the website. I'm pretty sure you can do it on the app too, but I just did it on the template website and you can vote for her to do the trial and I will be doing that because I want to see her be balls deep in something weird and something funny. But Lois, you did miss last night's episode because you are in another continent right now. This is our first cross

continental record. Can I ask you how your Easter was? I saw the Easter egg hunt that the little rugrats went on. It was very cute. To be honest, I was a little jealous. I was like, Laura, why didn't you invite me to come over and collect eggs? I would have enjoyed that. This is my question though like I don't know what a because our children are very small so like Molly's four lolis three I don't know what a reasonable amount of eggs is for small humans going on easter egg hunts the easter bunny was very generous in our household and my children were running around with like 40 eggs each and I well knowing that I was the one that was leaving the country and Matt had to deal with that I did feel slightly guilty but at the same time it's so funny to me

Now that we have kids and also the Christmas as well, these big milestones, unless you make them something, they kind of just pass you by. But then when you have kids, like it's something that forces you to make them something really special. Like you have to be the memory makers of your household. So Easter was never a big deal for us, but now it's such a big deal in our household. And, you know, we're not religious, so we don't celebrate it for any of the religious reasons, but the Easter bunny, he makes a show in our household and it was really, really cute. But the only thing that absolutely fucking sucked is literally after the Easter bunny had come and we did the Easter egg hunts and stuff in the morning both the kids were like I'm feeling a little bit

hot I'm feeling a little bit tired and I thought maybe it was just from all the excitement but everybody in our household has come down with the cold and then last night on the plane I was laying there and I was like like you know when you get that tickle in your throat and you know something is brewing and so now I'm in Bali it's been raining since we got here and I think I'm getting six I was like this is awful within my household that is just my boyfriend and I to be honest it got like halfway through the day yesterday and I facetimed my brother and we facetime all the time because he has two kids and another one on the way and it didn't really actually dawn on me that it was Easter until they were talking about you know what chocolate they'd consumed and they

were showing me the little goods that they'd collected and I kind of just forgot to make Easter plan. I mean, I guess for some people, even if you are child-free, I think that a lot of people go away for the long weekend, but we didn't. So we just stayed at home and had this really quite quiet weekend. It was really peaceful and I caught up on a lot of things that I wanted to do, but I think it lacked a little bit of magic. You know what it lacked? It lacked an Easter hat parade. That's what I want to bring back. I want that to be the tradition in my household is that we make Easter hats and have our own little parade through the hallway. Keisha, I know what I'm going to get you for Christmas then. I'm going to get you a hot glue

gun because nothing has a can-do attitude like a mum with a hot glue gun. No, I think that this is, obviously Easter is probably not the hill to die on by any means. Wow, that might not sit well with Christian people listening. Is it the cross to die on for three days before you're resurrected? No, but I mean when you don't have kids, like when you are either single or you're in a relationship, but you're an adult, so you don't have your parents making things special for you right like you are responsible for making moments special yourself it's so easy for things to pass you by without actually doing anything that kind of makes that day feel different to any other day and I know it's just kind of a

weird one because it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things for a lot of people but I think this happens to people at Christmas time like if you're not around your family if you're not around people who really make it something special it's so easy for these moments to feel like just another the day but it's because sometimes in your own household or in your family you've got to be the memory maker you've got to be the tradition maker and that was a big realization I had kind of like last year or the year before I was like no one's going to make this special unless we do and so now it's become this very big thing and I think in our household it's me like I'm the one that kind of goes all bells and whistles and you know 700 eggs big but at the same time it's important

because I remember those things being really special when we were kids and I think my mum even though she was a single mom with three kids, she really went above and beyond to do all those little magical things that make those moments so special. Yeah. I also think that there's even a subcategory to this and it's whether you're a planner or not. Like I feel as though I need the people around because I'm the opposite of a planner. I mean, I kind of euphemistically say I'm very spontaneous and I'm flexible and I'm adaptable, but the truth is I just hate making plans because it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety to the point that on both Good Friday and yesterday I didn't realize that the shops weren't open so we had to get takeaway

because I was like fuck I didn't realize that they'd be shut and I sat myself down and I was like you've got to be better at this you've got to be more aware of what's going on around you and stop living in this like non-planning bubble because I think maybe this is a result of living in Sydney as well everything you know because I've lived in regional cities and it's not as convenient you know you have to kind of have that forethought a little bit more but now there is a grocery store less than 100 meters away from my house and it's ridiculously expensive because it's one of those metro ones you know I also think that maybe convenience allows you to like lean into your ADD queen status because you're like oh I don't need to organize anything I don't need I

live in thriving chaos it's fine I can forget everything because there's always things accessible to you which is fine until there's not yeah I'm very similar to you like I will quite happily like just we don't need to know what we're having for dinner it's fine to sort that out at six o'clock at night when the kids are screaming but there are moments in life where life would just be easier if I was someone who naturally was a planner yeah but I think it's really nice that you because you have that quality to you as well like that's a personality trait that you have I think that's why we vibe the same way like but when it comes to your kids you plan everything like you are so dedicated to making these really special and momentous events for them and I think

it's really beautiful. I think it's like something that I think a lot of parents would experience when they're like, well, even though this doesn't come naturally to me, I want it to be worthwhile for my kids. I have a question for you. So obviously like whenever you fly on planes, there's always the conversations around plane etiquette. I feel like every single time I get onto a flight, there is something that happens that makes me question what is an isn't okay plane etiquette. And often I think now being that I have my own kids, I'm a lot more tolerant, especially of other people's children. And I think the big one often comes down to kids crying on planes or being disruptive, right? Which would have bothered me in the past. And now

it doesn't bother me because I feel so deeply for the parents who are experiencing it because most of the time it's affecting the parents more than anyone. Like they're so upset or so they feel so anxious that it's their child that's the one that's misbehaving, right? So this isn't about screaming though. This is something that I've never experienced on a flight before. So we were sitting there and it was at the same time that it was the food service that had come out. And there was lots of smells happening, lots of smells because everyone was opening their food at the same time. And I lent to my sister because she's traveling with me and I was like, Alicia, what does that smell? And she was like, I think it's just the food trolley.

And I was like, I think it smells like shit. Like if that's the food, we're all in a bit of trouble here, Qantas. Usually it's the food that makes you shit, but when it starts by smelling like it not a good start this is not a good start anyway so then the smell was growing stronger and the trolley was kind of coming up the aisle so I thought maybe is the food and then after about five minutes I looked down at the toddler who's two and a half sitting next to me and I was like oh that's not food this child has shit their pants okay they've shit their pants they're they're they're wearing a nappy and they have shit themselves and then it was confirmed because the mother leant over she did the like the mother obligatory like you pull the back of the pants out

you look what's inside and she like she clocked it she was like oh yeah can i ask do you look or do you sniff both both sometimes you stick a finger in there really play the game you do not that's disgusting you do not put a finger in there ah yeah like a dipstick that's cool what do you do after if it's confirmed that there is shit oh that that's an immediate go to the bathroom that's an immediate nappy change hand wash situation but it happens that's where she looks she clocks it she knows but then i can and i she's sitting so we're on the two on the left and she's in the three in the middle i know what she's doing because the food trolley is coming up the aisle and she's now hatching her bets. Do I do it before food

delivery or do I do it after food delivery? Because she didn't want to miss the trolley and then get stuck at the end of the change table. What do you mean? That's not a question. You do it before. So she sat there and she waited and I had my spicy beef noodle and the whole time all I could smell was her child with the shit in their pants and she didn't do it. And I honestly sat there with the biggest life conundrum at the time and I was like, do I ask her to go and change her child's name like is that okay do I either cop this and just accept that this is my fate do I say something and say like excuse me I'm so sorry but your child needs a diaper change or do we just pretend that this isn't happening because she was quite happy to pretend it wasn't

happening oh my gosh I'm actually so outraged for you like it's taken my breath away which is probably how you felt it took my away as well I was breathless is it can I quickly before I answer the question is it one of those things like you know how they say that you get used to your own BO smell. Do you get used to your own kid's shit smell? So you don't think it's as bad as what other people might like? Is it, is it exposure therapy? I think it's more tolerable when it's your own, but no, it's still exactly what it is. It's not like, no, nobody's sitting next to that, enjoying it in comfort. Like no mom is reveling in their child's poo smell. I think I'm actually going for secret option C and that would be that I don't have the balls

to specifically address it with someone like I don't have the confidence to go hey excuse me just so you know we can smell your child's feces it's lingering in the air while we're meant to be consuming food I don't think I'd have the confidence to do that because I can be a little bit more awkward than that but what I do definitely have within myself is the passive aggression to make really loud references to the smell around the person so I think I would turn to your sister and i would deliberately very loudly be like what the fuck is that smell like where is that coming from alicia did you shit yourself has something i don't need to get this out of my system 25 minutes 25 minutes she ate her entire meal no that's not okay to move through

the whole of the plane and then took her child to change his nappy that's so selfish because i often think I'm really happy when I get a seat that's towards the front of the service because you know they go in bits like it's not always towards the front of the plane sometimes you can get stitched up and you can be at the front of the plane but the back of the service and you just know by the time they get to you you're not going to have your choice of the chicken or the beef you're not going to have your choice of the meal that they offer you because they're going to be out of the good ones and you're going to be stuck with the bad one the only thing that's left is the shitty vegetarian one yeah I don't even know if she registered that other people knew what was

going on but it was so deeply offensive and it'd be something that I hope nobody ever has to experience on a plane it was a step too far screaming baby I can handle baby covered in feces not so much my jam I think you're really polite for not saying something I think you're really really like or was it a part of you that you're like if I kick off about this is she gonna to leave a bad review on the podcast. You're a better woman than I for not saying anything but you and your sister Alicia are over in Bali at the moment and it's for Tony May and I remember a couple of months ago I saw this video that was made about how you guys make jewelry over there and I was so fascinated by it. I found it so incredibly interesting and I don't know if this

is something that everyone is curious about but it was in that moment that I realized that I'd actually never even wondered how jewelry was made which sounds kind of strange so what like what are you guys actually doing over there this week yeah but why would you though because I mean and it kind of feels funny to me because I feel like I very rarely talk about Tony May stuff on the podcast and the reason for that is is because I mean I've been doing that for 15 years now actually probably longer than that but it's such a separate world to like the podcasting and broadcast life but basically the way that I kind of run my schedule a little bit at the moment is, so this week is a week off for broadcast. So there won't be a pickup episode on Sunday, but because we've got a week

off and, you know, obviously like Keish and I, like we can do these records by distance. I've taken this week with my sister to come over here and to touch base with the factory. So we manufacture in three different places. We have a factory in Bali, which we've had for 15 years. We also have an amazing relationship with a factory in India. And then also we manufacture in Australia as well. So for me this week, it's six days without the kids, but every single day will be spent at the factory. So when we come here, we're not like, we're not staying at Canggu, we're not going to the nice, we'll go out for dinner and stuff, but we stay right in Denpasar, like right

alongside what is the chaos. It's a very different Bali to what I think most people experience if they're coming on a holiday. It's like really built up and it's also kind of more in the towns where a lot of the local people live as well. so it's just a different side of it but it means that we're closer to the factory so instead of being caught in that heinous traffic if you've ever been to Bali you know that like the traffic can get so congested we stay right near the factories and like it's really cool to be able

to kind of split between these two things and we work so much with silver and over here the craftsmen are incredible with silver they're incredible with stones and that's why so much the manufacturing gets done out of Bali it just for us it's been yeah it makes sense. I'm very fascinated by how they do it I love seeing people to be honest with any type of craftsmanship I remember when I was over in Venice and I saw people blow glass for the first time and I was like this is absolutely incredible I also think it's interesting now how brands are approaching the way in which they do social media so like back in the day you would never show the kind of behind the scenes of like how things are created or like the manufacturing process but

I think that with the rise of social media and the way in which people communicate their brand messaging that's changing so much and instead of it just being about like the polished finished product people want to see they want to see the making of it they want to see the techniques that are involved so I kind of feel like that that is just like for us and showing a little bit from behind the curtain it's also part of the storytelling aspect of Tony May now so I've brought everything so like I'll absolutely be taking more of that kind of content while we're here that's part of it but also like I think to run a business you've got to kind of have your fingers on the pulse with what's happening manufacturing wise no matter where it is and

for me so much of my time is spent across Life Uncut and across the pickup that every so often I have these like really intense bursts where I've got to like reconnect myself with the Tony May side of things as well. I also think there's an element and a lot of people who work from home would feel this like it's just so different when you can actually be there in person and have that like person to person contact and we spend so much time with you in your like podcasting side of your life it's it's kind of weird to me you kind of you're a bit like batman like you've just got these two sides podcasting is so creative and we get to do so many like we have incredible conversations but my like my original background was like making things with my hands it was

painting it was printmaking it was sculpture like that's what i studied and that's the shit that i absolutely loved and that's how i kind of moved into jewelry making in the first place so i feel like it requires two very separate creative parts of my brain. For me, it's like an incredible privilege that I get to do both of them. But let's get into talking about some of the things that we really wanted to share with you guys today. We did an Ask Uncut around friendships recently, which kind of has evolved into more conversations off the back of it. But there was an article that was written. Now it's an op-ed that was on Refinery29. It's an article written by tanyal mustafa and it was all around friendship but the specific part of this in terms of

friendship and it's something that i think so many of us are going to be able to relate to and so many of us have either experienced it or been the culprits of it ourselves and it's this idea that when you have a friend who gets into a relationship that sometimes those friends disappear they almost get engulfed into the relationship and then when that relationship breaks down the friend just reappears and often sometimes the telltale sign that that relationship that your friend whoever they're dating that their relationship is breaking down is that they start to kind of slowly reinvest themselves into the friendship you start to hear from them more then they start to tell you about their relationship problems all of a sudden they're single again

and they want to like reconnect as being really close friends and it was alarming to me how many people from our Life Uncut community had experienced the same thing. These friends that are almost like fair weather friends who clock in, deeply invest in a relationship or in their friendship when they're not in a relationship. But then as soon as they have a boyfriend, they basically turn into Casper the ghost. Yeah. So I just wanted to read one of the paragraphs from the article because I thought it was really interesting. She said, one of my best friends used to routinely disappear from my life when they were loved up, which always made me feel like a backup plan then they would slowly edge back in when breakup was on the horizon much to

my annoyance which amplified the thought that our friendship didn't matter that much to them the second time it happened I said this was shitty friend behavior and I wouldn't tolerate it anymore either you're my friend all of the time single and coupled up or you're not and like you said Laura we got a lot of messages about the breakdown of friendships and we asked you guys on Instagram like have you ever experienced this and these were some of the responses she only ever wants to hang out either if there's a relationship issue or when she's single I don't get unprompted messages or anything when she's in a relationship only some responses I'm the single fun friend that she can be single with but doesn't have time for me when she's in a relationship it's exhausting

another one said yet my best friend of 19 years has had a bit of a habit of doing this I actually get excited when her relationships end because I know I'm going to get my friend back but then get worried when she finds a new relationship that are we put back on the back burner there were so many of these like I said it was alarming to me how common this is but it did make me ask the question of and I think that there's a few factors in this is it an intentional thing is it like because I would say that there's probably a spectrum of why this is happening in friendships is it an intentional I have a boyfriend now and I don't need my friends and so somebody gets very all consumed in relationships, which we can. People who have codependency issues can get

very sucked in to the intensity of a relationship and in that sense, discard some of their friendships. But also I do question, I mean, there's two other things that kind of come to mind. One of them is where does that friendship sit in order of priority for the person who's so easily able to walk away from it? Because, and I think about some of my friendships and where they've sat in terms of priority in my relationships. I think that there would be people who were friends with me who would have thought the same of me when I started dating Matt. And when my work commitments got really busy, they would have thought, oh, well now she's in a relationship. She's not putting the effort into my friendship. And it probably is true from their

perspective, but also from my personal perspective, and this might sound incredibly harsh. And I wonder if anybody has experienced this as well those friends were friends that were for a season you know when I say for a season a reason a lifetime they were friends who I would go out with because I was single they were friends who I would party with but they're not friends who I ever necessarily saw this like deep connection with and when your life gets busier and I mean this in terms of like being in relationships I don't use that as an excuse for bad shitty friend behavior but when you're juggling relationships and work and then potentially kids and all the other demands that life is screaming at you with there is only so much time and you do have to

prioritize the friendships that you want to invest all of your time and energy and love into it's a very different thing if you have a friend who completely disappears from all friendship groups but I guess is it a friend that that sees your relationship as the single relationship the friendship that they clock into when you're both single I think is a big question mark I think that's really interesting because something else that can happen in relationships and I think I've experienced this myself in this particular relationship is that I've had other priorities shift for myself as well for me in the past year I've had a lot more of a focus on my health and I've stopped drinking almost entirely like I drink once in a blue moon now and that's not

because I'm in a relationship that's because I have made the decision that that's what is going to be best for me for my mental health and so I kind of question whether you know like you said it could be the evolution of a natural relationship that was a seasonal thing I'm not trying to excuse people who do this I'm not trying to say that they're in the right and you should just get over it because it's a really hurtful thing and it can also make you feel really used and really like taken advantage of because you're like you used my friendship and my time and I thought it was because we had this really deep and meaningful connection and we supported each other but you were just getting something out of me and then now you've got something better to go to well it also

it's when people use a friendship as an emotional band-aid especially when you've come off the back of a relationship and you've been broken up with you're going through a breakup and you have problems that you want to talk about and I think so many people experience this version of it when that friend reinserts themselves in your life but they have a problem and so you're the fixer and you're the one listening to them talk about their relationship issues you're the one that's there because they're having a hard time a bad night you you spend your time you invest your time in them because you care about them there's a level of empathy there for what they're going through but then the very next time that they're in a relationship they once again just become so

scarce and the level of commitment that you have from them and also the level of what they need from you and what they require from you it minimizes because they're getting that from their now relationship yeah well interesting you say that because we got two messages actually that I wanted to read to you and get your opinion on and the first one's a little bit longer she said I feel ashamed to admit this but in the last couple of years I have been this friend to a couple of people more recently one of my closest girlfriends fully cut me off from her life and now actively ignores me and it's been months she got really upset with me when I bailed on her for the third time in a row I adore her and I apologize but we live two hours apart and I just really

enjoy spending quality time in with my boyfriend where she likes to go out to bars and drink I also like those things but I chose my partner one too many times and now our friendship is gone it's a shame because I don't have that many close friends in my life and I'm starting to wonder if it is a me issue I'm very lonely and I struggle to keep friends but I'm also a very busy person in both my family relationship and my work life yeah I think the thing that's so sad is so many of us can prioritize because it's true we're busy with work we're busy with relationships we're busy with children life just gets busier but it is an often thing that seems to be deprioritized is friendships and for all the conversations that we've had around what makes a happy life in the

long term it's people who not only have strong relationships around them but have strong friendships because what happens if that relationship dissolves what happened if in 10 years time or 15 years time, you go through a divorce and you have deprioritized your friendships so much that they don't exist anymore. I think the more realistic way of looking at this is that as we age, we lose friends. Our friendship groups get smaller, but I also think it's important to assess what is the quality of those friendships? What is the time and the energy that you're putting into those friendships? Because I do think it is okay that some friendships fall to the wayside because that is just part of life. You cannot maintain the intensity of friendship

with every single person that you were friends with in your 20s as you become friends in your 30s and 40s and so on, because you will also meet new people and you will find new, deeper and different connections that you want to explore as well. And you have to make room for those. But I guess it's being very clear on who are the friends in your life that you want to be there at the end of your life, that you want to be there no matter what happens or what horrific things life throws at you, because there will come a point where you require that friendship network. And when it's not there and you're going through something that's really challenging, I think that's when it becomes very evident the decisions that you made along the way to let those friendships

erode. Yeah. I also think there's an element of, as we get older, priorities are going to shift. It can just be really hurtful when you're the friend on the other side of it, where perhaps those priorities haven't shifted for you yet you know like the main ones being obviously like career but relationships and then having kids and I think when you're the single friend and you kind of are talking to someone who appears to be in a bit of a different life stage to you you can feel a little bit minimized in your problems and you can feel as though you know complaining about the guy who ghosted you just seems so juvenile even though that is something that very much is a real feeling for you in your life the only reason I bring that up is because I have been on the receiving end of

that and it's something that I have really tried to be mindful of now that I'm in a relationship that I don't do that to my single friends that I allow them to have the space to talk about those things and whatever's important to them is just as important as what I'm experiencing even if it's something that I experienced a million times it's not a smaller problem because it's their problem if that, I don't know if I'm wording this properly. It's so true. No, you're absolutely wording it perfectly. And I actually had a very similar conversation to this with a girlfriend of mine recently who is single and she's the last person in her friendship group that's single. And one of her best friends has gone on to get married and have kids. And she expressed it exactly as you're

describing it, Keish. And she said, my problems are never the most important problems because I always have to bend the friendship around the fact that she has children because everything is harder for her because she's got to get these two kids to X, Y, Z or wherever she is. But she's like, I feel as though I have been so deeply deprioritized that every single time we catch up, every single time there's an outreach, it's because I'm the one that's trying to keep the connection and keep the friendship. And I think for anybody who's experiencing this, it's really hard because there is the big question, is it possible to maintain really close friendships with people who are in fundamentally different stages of life?

I think it is but it's only possible if that comes from a place of mutual respect where it's also mutual give and take and it isn't just one friendship and one side of the friendship that's taking taking taking and the other side is giving giving giving and being endlessly available to the other person's problems because one person thinks their problems are bigger and I do think and this is a very big basket to lump everyone into because I know it doesn't count for everyone but I do think that mums are a big culprit for this because it is such a big life shift so much happens so much changes it is so hard to maintain the normalcy that you used to have before that it can be almost as though you have these moments where you're like if you don't have children you

don't understand and that is so incredibly minimizing because on one hand it's true if you don't have kids you don't understand how all-encompassing and full-on it can be but it also doesn't mean that your problems are the only problems that exist within your friendship groups and I think that that can be where a lot of breakdowns happen and it's not the only place obviously we're talking about romantic relationships but I do think that when women enter the phase of being mums and that becomes part of their life sometimes the friendships that they have with people who don't have kids can be fractured not all the time but I do see it happen and I have seen it happen in my own friendship groups do you think that it means that

we have to be a little bit more realistic about our expectations of whether we can maintain these friendships long term? I think it's probably an expectation around intensity of friendship because I think friendships we will go through and the friendships that weather the longest duration are the friendships that can withstand different types of intensity. The intensity that you might have had in your 20s in a friendship where you thought you and your friends were absolute soulmates, that intensity of the friendship might wane for a couple of years whilst, and I don't want to just keep bringing this back to being a parent because this could happen in a new relationship. It could happen in many phases. It could happen because one of your

friends got a crazy promotion at work and their work is so fully all-consuming, which might mean that during that duration where that other pressure is existing, that the intensity of the friendship wanes a little bit and has a little bit more movement for other things to take top priority. Whereas then maybe later on in life, it reshuffles again and you're able to kind of reprioritize those friendships. But I think it's an unreasonable expectation to think that friendships will maintain the exact same intensity through every single thing that happens in life for forever without having any change. And I think if you had that expectation of your friends, you probably will be disappointed because there will be times where family has to take priority

or a partner has to take priority or work has to take priority, but it certainly shouldn't mean that the friendship is completely devalued. Laura, something surrounding this conversation that I think I maybe need to work on a little bit more within my own life. And it actually came up funnily enough when we were recording Ask Uncut last week. And bear with me, we were talking about the woman whose partner was going away, sorry, whose new fling was going on an overseas trip. And we were saying how we'd hooked up with people and you were like, yeah, it doesn't mean anything and I actually interrupted and I said no it did mean something it meant happiness and joy and that's all it was supposed to mean and I wonder whether these types of friendships

that you go through in different phases of your own life you know like for me I had a group of friends when I moved to Sydney we used to go out together every single weekend and there was this big group we'd go to the beach together we would go out drinking we like we spent so much time together and then quite coincidentally almost every single one of us got into a relationship within a month of each other like it was kind of weird we just felt like dominoes you know like kind of good though from a friendship perspective because it's so shit when you're the one person in your friendship group and everyone else gets partnered up and you're like hey guys let's go out tonight and everyone's like it's Saturday and it's raining and I just want to stay inside

yeah and that is exactly what happened there was one person who and I know that he kind of feels a bit like come on guys like you know I still want to go out and I guess for me I've I've wanted to reframe how I feel about those types of friendships and I've moved around a lot as well and I want to kind of put emphasis on the fact that just because they may not be a lifelong friendship they were really impactful and beautiful experiences for me to have and they shaped me into the person that I am so going back to this whole idea of does your friend bail on you when they get into a relationship the answer to that might be yes and your result of that feeling or that experience might be that you don't want to be friends with them anymore but I just don't

want you to take away from what the friendship up until that point has meant because I think seasonal friends can be just as beautiful and just as impactful to your life and I don't necessarily think that you need to remain friends with people throughout the course of your entire life like not everyone that you're close with maybe needs to be a person that you're close with forever I'm not sure if I'm thinking about this a little bit too deeply but I just don't want to take away from the fact that they were really moving friendships for that time and maybe that's all they were ever supposed to be I agree with that completely but I also question it from the person who feels discarded's perspective because it might have been an impactful friendship for that person who's now

in a relationship, but that doesn't give any solace to the person who's been and has felt discarded, especially when they were under the impression that this was a lifelong friendship. I think it is the mismatch in expectation around what that friendship means to that person. And what does friendship as a whole mean to someone? Because there are different types of people in terms of when it comes to how we prioritize friendship. There are some people who prioritize friendships so much and they have the ratio down pat, like they understand how important friendship is for their life and for their wellbeing and for all the things that, you know, I think we have over the years learned ourselves and we talk about, but then there's people who

still don't realize and haven't had that revelation around what and how important friendship is. And especially female friendship. It is the first thing that often gets deprioritized when people get into relationships because often we can think that being in a relationship is the most important relationship in our life and so therefore everything else then comes second but I do think that you know some of us have that we have the equation wrong there should be some more conscious time and energy that are put into our friendships not just for the benefit of the other person but for the benefit of us we don't know what we're missing out on and I think also it's really important to not just maintain those friendships in case you break up you know

they're not there as a backup plan as this person wrote in and said I felt like I was the backup plan I think that's a really shitty thing to do to people I think making them feel as though they'll only be of service to your friendship if you've got nothing better on the table you know if you don't have any other better plans I think that's a really horrible thing to do to someone so look I don't know what the whole answer is here I don't know whether it's that we need to maybe shift our expectations of what we want from someone when they do enter relationships or break up from relationships or I don't know if it's that we need to be more conscious if we are the one in a relationship towards our friends who are maybe single or in a different life phase

I don't really know what the answer is I mean I'm no bloody psychologist that's for sure but I think it's really important to actually be mindful of these things and to take a bit of like an evaluation of how you interact with your friends throughout your life Laura over the weekend Lizzo quit Lizzo the pop star that probably doesn't need much introduction she's got 12.1 million followers she's got four grammys one emmy she's 35 years old she's very very successful and she posted on her instagram and i'm going to read out exactly what she said she said i'm getting tired of putting up with being dragged by everyone in my life and on the internet all i want is to make music and make people happy and help the world a little better

than how i found it but i'm starting to feel like the world doesn't want me in it i'm constantly up against lies, being told about me for clout and views, being the butt of the joke every single time because of how I look. My character being picked apart by people who don't know me and disrespecting my name. I didn't sign up for this. I quit. And this comes off of the back of two kind of events that have happened in the past. And quite ironically, Laura, you and I recorded an episode last August when the main one of these controversies actually broke. It was at the time that three of her previous dancers plus a couple of other people on the side but the three are the ones who have actually gone to court accused her and are now suing her for sexual harassment racial

discrimination and fostering a hostile work environment we got into such a deep dive on this and we'll link that in the show notes as well if you guys want to understand like the backstory around what happened with Lizzo because it was so alarming she at the time was at the absolute peak and put on such a pedestal for her achievements for her body inclusivity for her being a cultural reference point and being an icon for all matters of inclusivity, whether it was race inclusivity, size inclusivity, and the fact that she was so and is so proud and so vocal about how she views herself and her weight. She has had no shame and no reservations to come forward and talk about how she is, her words, fat and beautiful and sexy. And I think we have no issue, and this

is what we spoke about on the last air. We have no issue when skinny people and people who are atypically hot talk about being hot, but we do have an issue with it when it sits outside the norms. And I think Lizzo really redefined that. And it was this sense of confidence that we haven't seen. To see those allegations and to see the deplatforming that happened post that was really quite shocking for a lot of people and certainly for us as well. And with the big question we had and the big conversation we had then was, will she be cancelled? And we ended that episode saying no. Yeah. And I mean, I'm still questioning whether that's happened, but I'll fill you in on a couple of what's happened more recently so that you can make up your own mind. Lizzo essentially had the

choice as to whether she wanted to settle this court case out of court. But as a part of that, she would have had to accept a little bit of responsibility and accountability. So she would have had to say, I am partially or at least in part guilty of what you're accusing me of and here's some money to make the problem go away. Let's settle this out of court. She didn't do that. She completely denied every single claim. They have gone to court in February and they have asked for the charges to be dismissed. Some of them were, some of them weren't. Fast forward to last week and the Democratic National Committee had a big fundraiser. So now some big dogs were there. We have the current president of Joe Biden. We also had Barack Obama and Bill Clinton

at this huge fundraiser. They raised over $26 million for Biden's re-election campaign. And Lizzo was asked to perform at this event. And I'm assuming that she was paid quite a large amount of money. So this is where a lot of people kind of got their feathers in a flurry. A lot of people went on to Twitter or X, and they essentially said things like, oh birds of a feather flock together here are all of the sexual assault claims that Joe Biden has had and here are all of the sexual assault claims that Bill Clinton had when he was in office and after he was in office they essentially wanted to lump the two of these things in together and that's where I think the main question that I have today for you laws and I don't even know exactly

where I sit on this but do you think objectively if anyone has an accusation that is active in court for sexual assault do you think they should be able to be paid to perform at something like a political fundraiser this for me and i had to check my own bias with this because i i mean we saw it recently with jason derulo who was performing he has open sexual assault allegations against him we see it in the sporting world with the conversation as to whether footballers should be allowed to continue to play or not play when a sexual assault allegation is raised now i first read this and I was like, fuck, like really? Like let the girl play. But then I thought about it again and I was like, do I feel differently because she's female and this is Lizzo? And I

am almost giving her a get out of jail free card because partly I want to say that I think people should be able to be given the opportunity of being innocent until proven guilty. I think it is very damaging and damning for someone's career to be judged by the courts of social media and by people's social opinions, because it can completely derail someone's career and it can be defamation. But in this instance, at the same time, I'm like, well, am I just treating her and thinking of her differently because she's a female in a world where normally when we hear about sexual assault allegations, it is from a man. And I think like to unpack that a little bit, and I want to go back to the sporting thing for a second, because there's definitely two sides to

this, right? There are people who think that sporting players should be allowed to continue to play football, even if they have an allegation against them, because it's not been proven that they're actually guilty of it. Now, on one hand, we know that it's incredibly hard to prove sexual assault allegations because often it's one person's word against the other. But also I think in the instance of sport, there is a real culture of like bro culture. It's been a fundamental issue for so many years that sexual assault allegations have been so prevalent. So the pendulum had to swing immensely in order to be not just a threat but to reset what's happening within the sporting environment so for me I was like fully in support of that I don't think that players should be able

to play if they have sexual assault allegations against them and then I kind of think about well what's the other side of this because what if Lizzo is completely let off all of these she's not found guilty for any of them she is as she says a lot of this is done for clout or it is bullying or harassment on her part towards her, not as though she was the one doing the bullying harassment. I question, should we be de-platforming someone before it's proven that they're actually at fault for what it is that they've done? And then it made me think a little bit more about Lizzo specifically, because I don't know if the amount of fury that she's receiving actually has to do with the fact that there are these sexual assault allegations. I would go so far as to say

that a lot of people don't even know that they exist. Looking at her announcement post, and her saying that she quit and sharing that on social media, that was also re-shared on Puberty. That's where I first saw it. So Puberty is like a big social commentary Instagram account. They have loads of followers, and they posted an article saying that Lizzo was quitting. Now, these are some of the comments that were on the bottom of that. Oh my God, five seats just opened up at the Grammys. Why are people so mean? She got a lot on her plate. People will do anything except go on a diet and work out. First Pluto, now Lizzo. Planets are dropping fast. Is she quitting eating? She decided to be the bigger person. I'm reading

these in chronological order. This is not me picking out the worst. I'm reading chronological order people's responses to Lizzo quitting. So when I saw these comments, it made me ask the question, do people actually have like, is this the issue quote unquote that people have? Is it coming off the back of these assault allegations or is it the way she presents in the world? Is it the fact that she is a person in a bigger body who demands attention and demands confidence and respect? And is that something that we are not okay with? Because there were very, very few comments that actually pertained to the allegation side of thing. It was all attacking her weight. And this is something that she has definitely been very vocal about and she has struggled with throughout

her entire career. It is how much people seem to deeply hate the fact that fat people just exist. and that's something that she has said I completely agree with you I think that as soon as these allegations were made it was a get out of jail free ticket for fat phobic and misogynistic people to attack her so that aside and I very much agree with you laws that this exists so much in the gray for me because there are a couple of elements to this that I question the whole justice system of like innocent until proven guilty versus the court of public opinion versus what's the difference between public opinion and what's trolling and I think it's important to recognize that especially within America I spoke to my one of my best friends yesterday about this because I

was really interested from her perspective she's a lawyer and she was like the thing that I think a lot of people aren't as aware of as what maybe they should be is how slow these procedures happen so if you talk about the fact that someone shouldn't be entitled to work while they have these allegations against them you're talking about the fact that they're likely not going to be able to work for 12 to 18 months and for someone like Lizzo I don't think that's that much of an issue I think she'd be getting enough money from royalties from in the background because of her music and that's where I kind of question does it change when someone's not as big of a star as someone who is Lizzo and you know you brought up the sports example and the most

recent one that I can think was really really in the media was the case with Jack de Bellen he plays for the dragons he had allegations of sexual assault it went through two court cases and he was not allowed to play during that time but he was still paid by the club other people that have continued to work while they have had active sexual assault allegations and these are the ones that my mind naturally springs to when i heard this initially being brought up about lizzo harvey weinstein i don't feel like i need to give examples of him bill cosby faced allegations of sexual assault and misconduct from multiple women over several years and despite those allegations he continued to work until he was convicted in 2018 r kelly has faced numerous allegations of

sexual abuse and misconduct over the decades despite that continued to work until he was convicted on federal charges in 2021 louis ck he's a comedian that faced allegations of sexual misconduct and inappropriate behavior from multiple women despite the allegations he's continued to perform stand-up comedy release projects although he has faced backlash and criticism but no conviction and then one other person that I thought really existed in the grave for me was Kobe Bryant Kobe Bryant was an NBA player and back in 2003 he had sexual assault allegations lodged against him he ended up settling that out of court so he had to assume some responsibility for that he then went on to be one of the most recognized and adored basketballers of

all time. And he very tragically died in 2020 with his daughter in the helicopter crash that I'm sure everyone's aware of. I think the thing though, with this Keish though, the points that you're making, why I have such a bias and why I find this conversation quite difficult is because the issue with sexual assault as a category, it encompasses so much. And like the male celebrities that you have just mentioned who have been convicted for sexual assault, some of those convictions were rape and I think we cannot look at this with the same blanket and we can't paint it with the same brush when there are such vastly different crimes that have been committed and you know when you use the word sexual assault sexual assault just for anybody who's not unsure what

that actually entails but it is coercion or manipulation into any unwanted sexual activity in the instance of Lizzo it was having dancers dance alongside someone who was naked on stage within a sex act. I think something happened in Amsterdam. The details of it are a little bit obscure, but three of her dancers were, they felt coerced to participate in a dance that they didn't want to participate in. When you compare that to someone who has been drugged and raped, those allegations are so vastly different. So to think that on one hand within the world, we've had people be able to continue to work and be innocent until proven guilty versus someone like Lizzo, who's being held up in the court of public opinion. Now, I'm not saying that what those dancers

experienced isn't grotesque and it's not been incredibly hurtful. But what I am saying is that ultimately the damage has been done to her career and her reputation. And people are using this as a get out of jail free card in order to say and do and to totally minimize everything else that she's done in the world of pop culture and everything else that she's done for the world of inclusivity. Yeah, Lawson, I think that that's the biggest problem with these umbrella terms. and that's why this particular conversation I don't think that we're able to be as black and white about it as what we normally would because like I said if you know the question is asked do you think someone should be able to continue working and being paid a lot of money to perform

at things like political events when they have active sexual assault allegations my natural thought is of course not like of course that shouldn't be allowed but when you get into the the detail of it especially when you compare it to what other male celebrities have been able to get away with. It's an incomparable situation. And I think that I'm holding her up by saying, no, she shouldn't be allowed to perform at things like this. I'm holding her up to a standard of which other people are not held up to. And I think the repercussions for her have been so much worse. I think the unrelenting backlash that she has received for her transgressions, and I don't know if that's even the right way of describing it, but for the things of which

she's been accused for I do think that the public reaction has been so immense and I would be interested to know if people think the same you know I mean comes to mind like Johnny Depp for example and the allegations that he experienced and I don't know I mean I think it is such an incredible shame because Lizzo who has stood for so much and has done so much positivity in the world of inclusivity in talking about racism in really being a voice for and a face for this whole inclusive movement it's as though everything that she stood for that it was good has been undone by the way in which now she's being viewed and that to me is what represents cancellation it's that it didn't matter who you were before because now you're bad and it's so black and

why and it doesn't allow for any of the positive things to be able to still be true at the same time yeah i also think it's made me think about the difference between being guilty of a crime and actually just being people hating you you know like a a consequence of public opinion finding one thing that you fucked up with and you did maybe did wrong and i have to say you maybe did wrong like the consequences of this i would deem to be worse than if she had have actually been found guilty of these things in court because the sexual assault allegations as we've already stated were not particularly severe in comparison to other people that we've seen in Hollywood so like I said at the start of this I don't even know where I stand on this I don't know

where I land and I go yes I'm okay with this or no I'm not okay with this and I just feel sad about this situation I feel sad that she has been pushed into a corner where the hate was so great and it was so awful and it was so relentless that she's like, fuck this, I'm out. Because I can only imagine what it would take for someone with the confidence that she went into this situation with to be broken down like that. You know, this is someone who went in with a lot more vigor and a lot more resilience than what I think any of us have. And yet it's still been, it's been too much for her to say, I'm going to keep making art for you. Also, the last thing I want to say in the terms of cancel culture, because I mean, I find cancel culture is such an interesting thing to

unpack I genuinely think that when you have been deemed as though you've done something wrong in the eyes of public opinion and even if you are not actually guilty you are guilty in the world of public opinion it doesn't matter what you do and it doesn't matter what you say it doesn't matter how you communicate that you're sorry it'll never be good enough so I think the problem is now is that even though Lizzo will try so hard to communicate the person that she is to stand for the things that are important to her nothing will ever undo how that taints people's perception of her so that will always follow her around whether it means that she's cancelled forever she may be able to reinvent herself in some ways and we may still see music from Lizzo but I think the issue

is is that she will always be tainted by this opinion that exists now of her. I think it'll be interesting to see what her next step is she initially had said that there was new music coming that was only a couple of days ago she posted on her Instagram and I'm not sure if that music will ever see the light of day I don't know how long she will feel this way for it could be forever all right it is time for accidentally unfiltered your most embarrassing stories and this one is absolutely uh rank is the word that I'm looking for my fiance was away for work and I was feeling a little hot and heavy when I was in the shower so I quickly popped out and got my clit sucker vibrator from the bathroom drawer anyways after I had been sitting on the shower

floor getting into it for a few minutes I felt a little sting down there and when I looked down to investigate to my absolute horror my entire clit slash vulva was covered in little black ants they had obviously made a nest in the hole of the clit sucker and got washed out all over me my vagina dead set looked like a baker's delight poppy seed roll thank god I was already in the shower and I could just wash them all off ASAP before I literally got eaten out by a thousand ants it's so bad although this makes me think did you not rinse this and wash this properly because why would the ants be nesting in a vibrator I do not want to think about that I do not want to think about the vaginal juices use a hypoallergenic soap use a ph neutral one

I initially thought when she was saying this I thought that she was going to say it must not have been waterproof because she was using it in the shower and I thought it was electrocuting her and it's worse well I mean probably a good thing that you're in the shower but also who's masturbating in the shower am I doing it wrong there's never been a time where I'm in the shower and I would have thought to have done it there it's just like there's no like water is not lubricant water is a very unlubricating medium put it that way however the cleanup is really easy this is true but how much cleanup do you need well if you're a squirter Fair bit.

That's fair. All right. Anyway, guys, if you have an accidentally unfiltered, doesn't matter how revolting it is, please send it in to us, your most embarrassing stories. We absolutely love them. Also, that's going to scar me. I'm going to dream about that one and not in a good way.

Yeah, well, let's get into our second sweet of the week. It is the highlight and the low light of each and every week. Loz, what's your highlight? No, sorry, what's your suck? Okay, my suck for the week is getting sick and also the kids being sick and not being able to be there, which I feel very guilty about. But yesterday afternoon, you know,

wouldn't you just, you know, it's brewing. So we did the Easter egg hunts. Everyone was having a great time. And then everyone just sat on the couch. It was looking a little bit tighter than what they should have. And I was like, oh, the sugar really took it out of them. But no, it was a fever and it was coming for us. And then when I got to the airport, I also had a scratchy throat. And then Matt messaged me yesterday and he was like, I'm dead. He's like, I'm swallowing razor blades. So some sort of shit daycare bug has ripped through our house once again. um and that is my suck of the week my sweet for the week I mean coming to Bali that's my sweet for the week it's been genuinely I feel like I've had multiple sweets this week Easter with the

girls was amazing we had a really amazing Saturday as well but I don't very often get to have grown up time without the kids with my sister and even though we see each other all the time it's kind of like my relationship with Brit we see each other all the time we're always together but we're always working and I feel like being away for the next six nights and being over here in Bali just with her it's gonna give us so much time to do the Tony Mays stuff that we want to do but also to really clock in on our friendship just talking about friendship and all so for me even just being on the plane yesterday and us laughing about stupid shit that we were talking about and rehashing childhood stories and stuff like it was genuinely so joyful and I I love that we get to

spend this time together so that is my that is my sweet for the week that's some beautiful quality time well also sometimes you have friends or maybe it's just your siblings as well but like you see people a lot, but you don't actually have time as friends. You don't have time talking about the things that are going on in your life. I think a lot of relationships are like that. Like you live together and you see each other in the in and out, but you haven't actually had that really quality time together where you're making memories. You're just living and kind of coexisting. And I'm not saying that that's like, you know, you're not at fault for that. It's just the busyness of life. But a lot of people I think have that in their actual romantic relationships.

Totally. Well, that is my sweet. Kishi, what is your suck for the week? my suck for the week is actually it's not planning anything over Easter I didn't really realize that I look it's twofold because on one hand I really enjoyed just being home and having this relaxing time to kind of get some stuff done that I've wanted to do for a really long time and feel like I was a bit on top of it but when I facetimed my nephews yesterday I my whole family my grandma so we've got four generations I've still got some of my grandparents so my grandma was there who is their great grandma I kind of just felt like oh I've spent so much of my adult life living away from my family and usually I'm in a city that is plain distance away so I've missed out on a lot

of family things because it's quite difficult to get back for them but now my family live in Newcastle and it's only like a two and a half hour drive so really I should be making the effort a lot more and I just kind of realized that I didn't put the effort into planning that and going up and spending that time with them. And I kind of felt a bit like, ah, that would have been a cool thing to go to, but you know, maybe next year. So. I'm sorry. I really dug the sword in at the start of this episode, but I was like, if you don't make the time to be the memory makers in your family, then time really passes you by. It is true. It's true. But the reason that I didn't spend time with them is because I didn't think about it. You know, like for me, it's not,

we're not making those memories. It's just the fact that I wasn't cognizant of actually needing to insert myself into them. So that was my suck. But my sweet for the week was last Wednesday night, very last minute, my friend Soph, Laura, you know her because she works within the radio station that we usually record the podcast in. Her and I went to see West Side Story at, I don't even know what the actual location is because they have built this stage that is literally on Sydney harbour and when I mean on I mean actually on the water it is phenomenal the stage is like two and a half times the size of a normal theatre production the actual production itself was so cool and it's the story is kind of a it's like a take on Romeo and Juliet but it's modern times and it's Anglo

Americans versus the Puerto Ricans and it's a bit of a gang war and recently Soph and I have also been to the basketball together and we've been to the footy together and I looked at her and I was like I didn't realize that I would get to this point of my life and I would actually just so deeply appreciate a friendship that had so many of the same interests as what I have and we got to go to this phenomenal production it is so so so cool the water was like lapping up against the stage you could hear it the opera house is in the background of the theater and it's I was truly just like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity if you're around Sydney and you're thinking about going I cannot recommend it more it was worth every single dollar and I think there was also

something where I was like ah this is so funny I thought that I'd want to bring a partner to this but actually what I want to bring is someone who enjoys it as much as what I do so that they get as much joy out of it as what I can and oh it was just the best it was such an incredible experience and it was like a highlight probably for my year and that is also a simultaneous vibe for for this week as well yeah maybe well anyway guys that is it from us if you've enjoyed the episode please share with a friend you know the drill we're also on socials you can see all the stuff at life uncut podcast on instagram you can join us on tiktok and also we have all the episodes slowly getting released on youtube as well so you can please go and watch them all there

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