Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - 6 Minute Voice Notes, Horny Separations & When Is The Relationship Over?

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany, and this is Ask Uncut. We do it every single week. We've done it for six years. You write in your questions, your deepest, darkest, burning problems. We do our best to answer them. When you say we've done it for six years, it makes me think, should we do something new? Do you know what? We have thought about that in the past and we've asked the listeners, the lifers, what they want.

Starting point is 00:00:33 You guys, everyone listening. You guys. But people love Ask Uncut and I love it. It's the Life Uncut staple. I don't think we can get rid of it. And even if we did, people want it. We've got to give the people what they want. Like when we got rid of Accidentally Unfiltered for a couple of weeks and then people were

Starting point is 00:00:46 like, what happened to it? Where did it go? Speaking about that, we do need some more Accidentally Unfiltered. So if something embarrassing has happened to you, please send it into the podcast. Anyway, how was your weekend? Send it in. oh my weekend was fine except I have entered this stage of pregnancy now where I have pregnancy insomnia and I am so tired like I'm just so tired and sometimes it's because I forget that I'm

Starting point is 00:01:05 pregnant and then I wake up and I'm like why am I still tired why is everything hard and then I remember I'm like forging headfirst into third trimester and I probably should be tired by this point I think it's completely normal that you're tired you got two kids you're growing a baby you're working a lot you're running a household I think that's pretty standard Laura's like I'm so shocked i can't figure it out hold on let me tell you oh yeah i am past 26 weeks now what fruit are you i don't know this app doesn't tell me the fruit hold on let me google it sure you'd be the size of a rock wallaby 20 wannabe wannabe 26 weeks fruit i'm sure everyone's on the edge of their seat what fruit are you at 26 weeks a cabbage that's pretty big that's pretty

Starting point is 00:01:48 big also pretty circular i would have thought you were like eggplanty like something longer I was I don't know they do roll into a little ball though but I was telling these guys the other day you might remember how I was talking about how I've started weighing my pants like I've properly started weighing my pants it's not it's not funny it's not like a little bit of bladder leakage so when we were driving down to Ulladulla the other week we're in the car it was like late night drive kids were asleep in the back I swallowed some water and it went down the wrong tube and so I started coughing except I coughed and I fully wet myself not a tiny bit not a little bit at the end not like cute little bit of bladder leakage I fully pissed my pants and had to do the

Starting point is 00:02:24 rest of the drive with no pants on no undies on I don't think that was necessary I didn't want to stop because if we stop Lola will as soon as you stop the engine Lola knows and so like I just sat in your own piece no I didn't I took my pants off to my pants I sat naked which is much better I'm sure that's a lot more humbling I just imagine every time we went under like the mobile phone cameras because they take photos of every car and then it uses AI to detect whether you're on your phone or not but imagine if like someone had to manually do that they're like pregnant lady no pants surely that's illegal surely there's like phone cameras and nudity cameras I don't think you can drive nude I think you can't just with your badge cover it though because you're pregnant

Starting point is 00:03:04 you probably couldn't see it I look like I was wearing short shorts because I just would have had my jumper down over the top of it anyway yeah it's all like it's all bad from here there's nothing good about the trimester except for the fact that it's almost over like that's not an enjoyable time. And the problem is, so when I spoke to my obstetrician about it, I don't know how truthful this is or like, I mean, I believe him. He's a very good obstetrician, but I don't know if he's telling me the truth. So the baby's breech at the moment, like the baby's feet down. And I was telling you guys this. So like, I sometimes simultaneously feel like I'm being kicked in the vagina and stabbed in the heart. Like, I feel like I'm getting kicked both ends

Starting point is 00:03:39 at the same time. I was like, how is it possible that I'm feeling all the pressure up the top, but also at the bottom at the same point. And he was like, oh, it's because it's your third baby and your womb is so stretched and floppy because your baby's breech. It can literally just stand up. So just imagine like a cabbage fully upright like this. I think I did tell you this, didn't I? Yeah, you did.

Starting point is 00:03:59 I did. Damn it. I think it was last week. I think we did this one. There was this one time we were all on a flight and because I'm so short, I can stand up in the seats. You know when the plane lands and everyone stands. Imagine Keisha standing inside me.

Starting point is 00:04:12 That's what I felt like. I was like, I think it feels like me standing up in the plane, like just erect while you guys are all crunched over. Because remember I told you I was born breech? Yeah, look, guys, like I said, I'm really tired. I've forgotten the things I've told you and what I haven't told you. Let's just steamroll on. Also, my dad sent me a photo of a crocodile,

Starting point is 00:04:28 so we could talk about that instead if you want. Hang on. Do you know what I didn't tell you? I know we did have this conversation, but part of, because I was born butt first, legs around my head. If you start talking about clicky hips, this is really us. No, I'm talking about flexibility that was included. No, I haven't told you this bit.

Starting point is 00:04:46 Sorry, don't come for me. Laura just repeated the story word for word. And because I'm a good friend, I let her do it. I was like, I'm not going to stop her. I was like, let's just fucking let her do it. I'm so sorry. No, what I was going to say, guys, I've got something. Nothing new happens in my life anymore.

Starting point is 00:05:02 I just piss my pants. I think we have to cut that out. Oh, my Christy, word for word, the exact story. I was going to add something new to it, to be honest. Forget who I've told shit to. Just you guys. You did say it. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:05:14 Should we sneak that? I know. I want to hear it. All I was going to say is because I thought I did need to add something to the repeat story. But because of that, so for like a month, my legs, because I had spent almost a whole, like my legs went around my head quite early in the womb. So it wasn't like a last minute thing. I just grew in there like that.

Starting point is 00:05:33 So when I was born, my legs stayed up. They didn't go down. So mum would put my legs down. She'd push them down and they would fling back up. Like their natural response was to be up literally around my head. This explains a lot about her dating life. I know. I know.

Starting point is 00:05:47 I can still put my legs around my head now. But she would like put them down and I'd go and flick back up. There were so many jokes that were just offered on a silver platter then. Yeah. So many. And we did good. We did good, Kish. You and I.

Starting point is 00:05:58 I made one. We sustained. Farrah would have made some new content if you came for me. All right. Look, we have important things. So please come for me. We have important things to do on this episode. and that is answer your Ask Uncut questions.

Starting point is 00:06:10 But before we do that, it is time for vibes and unsubscribes. Brittany, what is your vibe? You've already warned us that it's particularly lowbrow. We've got to stop saying TV shows are lowbrow, but it is a TV show. It's all I'm doing. Ben is here still, which has been – actually, I haven't really spoken about Ben much lately.

Starting point is 00:06:26 You speak about him on every episode. No, not really. Ben is still here and it's the longest time we've spent together ever. Like this period from the wedding is the longest we've ever spent together And it's so nice because we're back to like, I feel like we just are living a normal life a little bit, which is really, really nice. How long is it that you get to spend together? Do you know in total?

Starting point is 00:06:44 We don't know because we don't know when he's going back yet. Basically he's waiting for a new team or his old team or whatever. It's contracts. So he's just waiting and then he'll go. But we just watch a lot of TV at night. So that's what we're doing at the moment. The Better Sister. The Better Sister is on Amazon Prime.

Starting point is 00:06:59 It is like a thriller TV series. And the lead is Jessica Biel. now I think a lot of people still look and think of Jessica Biel as like Justin Timberlake's wife she was in that really wholesome the Brady Bunch thing that wasn't the Brady Bunch what's called Seventh Heaven yeah when we grew up it was Seventh Heaven like no one ever really I don't think took her seriously until a couple of years ago when she was in the thriller Sinner oh yeah it was so good do you remember Ness when we were living together and we like devoured that the Sinner with Jessica Beale. Yeah. It's so good. Well, this is The Better Sister with Elizabeth Banks as well.

Starting point is 00:07:33 They're sisters and it is a thriller that is so good. You don't see what the end is. Like you don't see it coming. The acting is brilliant. Like really, really, really, really good. It's probably one of the series in the last year that I haven't wanted to pick up my phone, that I've really stayed in, that I've finished an episode and been like, can we go watch the next episode? Thoroughly enjoyed it. And it's made me love Jessica Beale a lot more. So it's Amazon Prime, if you have it, the better sister. The last time I watched Jessica Biel, like I watched The Sinner, I went and got my hair cut and got that fringe.

Starting point is 00:08:03 Now she had like a dead straight fringe. She's got a dead straight bob in this. Okay, well, I might do the same. No, I literally, I went out and I got the fringe cut and I rocked it for a good six months because I was obsessed with her. So like, yes, I'm in. I'm about that one. Yeah, you'll love it.

Starting point is 00:08:15 I have a vibe which is a little bit different for us. I don't think we normally vibe artists on the podcast. I vibed an artist once, remember? For your artwork that's in your... Yeah, Little Gaga. Little Gaga. Shout out. Hi, Little Gaga.

Starting point is 00:08:27 Yeah, the beautiful palm artwork in my house. Yeah, it's gorgeous. Well, I guess I'm like in the trenches of Instagram trying to find artists and artworks and things at the moment because we are coming to the close on the renovation that we've been doing and then trying to find interiors to make it feel like it's a house, not a whole lot of just random bits of furniture popped around a house.

Starting point is 00:08:43 So I've been following this one artist. Isn't that what a house is? It's just furniture put around a house. But when you have nothing on your walls. You're trying to make a house a home. Yeah, when you have nothing on your walls at all and you have your furniture in, it literally just looks like you've popped a lounge there a chair there it's like a display home yeah it becomes like a

Starting point is 00:08:58 display and it feels weird at the moment and our walls look so bare so I've been following some of these artists for quite a long time but I've actually just like taken the leap and purchased art from them so two that I'm obsessed with which I wanted to share with you guys honestly one of them I think just she just makes the most beautiful very coastal in some ways but not in like your kitsch beachy by any means the colors are really cool really contemporary they're very warm and vibrant but she just has a really really beautiful use of composition and color play her name is jesse clier she's local she's local to me anyway she's in bondi but she's an australian artist and she's had some really beautiful features like recently in the design files she also works with

Starting point is 00:09:39 so folk interiors which is quite a well-known interior company have used her throughout a lot of their show homes and whatnot so i oh yeah i've just pulled her up i'm obsessed i'm obsessed with her i've been following her for so long and so i'm really excited that we're now going to have one of her artworks going into our house and then another artist I wanted to share with you as well someone who I came across more recently but I've just bought a stack of little artworks so you know how sometimes you don't want that one big piece you want like a collection of little ones maybe to make a collage wall so I've got one in my lounge room it's a shrine I have a collage wall in my lounge so you don't need to explain to me what that is Laura please continue okay well her

Starting point is 00:10:17 name is Ella Martin she's also based in Sydney but her artworks are really really beautiful and also exceptionally affordable like I was genuinely shocked when I saw how affordable they are for original artworks and that kind of means that because they are smaller you can get a few of them and create those really cool sort of like collective pieces so we've just bought a stack from her as well I actually I mean good luck I think I cleaned her out because I was like all right well I'll get them all she can up her prices now but she can't no there's just two artists I've loved following them I love the way in which they create their art they're very textural they're really contemporary and I think in terms of what is trending at the moment with the kind

Starting point is 00:10:54 of the way that they use color and everything you guys will love them so go and have a squiz great that's my recommendation love that my recommendation this week it's gonna sound a little bit full-on but I found it utterly fascinating and I couldn't get enough of it it's a woman by the name of Monty Maida now I came across a video of hers on Instagram and I think it was only about it'd be less than two months ago that I started following her and she had about 400,000 followers then I looked at her profile this morning before recommending her and she's got 1.1 million now so she's obviously going through a little bit of um you know a surgence I guess but she's got this podcast and it's called flipping tables podcast and this particular

Starting point is 00:11:34 episode was episode 13 and it's called the downfall of dogma Monty's story now it's her story and it's her just retelling her story she's the only one on the podcast so it's kind of like that narration style. And a part of her story is that she comes from a former alt-right Christian nationalist family. So she grew up in this really small town in Wyoming in a really religious family. She attended like a private Christian school that her grandfather actually founded. They went to church multiple times a week. And her dad in particular was extreme in his views in almost every sense. Really racist. He was really misogynistic. And what I find most interesting about Monty telling her story is that she explains what her life was like so that we now can have

Starting point is 00:12:20 conversations dispelling a lot of the myths and what I mean by that is like the one that she really focuses on particularly on her Instagram is people being like oh well that's my opinion and it's because that's what it says in the Bible like she'll talk about things to do with abortion rights and to do with you know things that impact the political space now and she's like actually that is not what it says in the bible this is actually what it says in the bible and because she understands where they where they came from you know she was conditioned in the same way and she used to be that way because it was all she ever knew she's like doxing the bible but she's also she's doxing the people that are using the bible to justify really awful opinions and thoughts and

Starting point is 00:12:58 beliefs I always find it so interesting when someone like that has been like deprogrammed in a way like but they still have all the information and they're almost the best people to speak on these things because they can see it from both sides. Yeah, and they also are able to kind of dispel some of the stuff that people say that isn't actually true. Like people that left Scientology Church and stuff like that. Yes, it's kind of like she was to the point where it would be considered almost a cult, like it was so full on their beliefs.

Starting point is 00:13:24 And, yeah, because she's experienced it, she can speak on it and she can also speak on the opposing opinion that she has now grown to have. I actually think she might be someone that could be really interesting to interview. you. I know it's a little bit hectic. We'll talk about that off air. I think you'd be interested. Anyway, this episode is her podcast. It is called Flipping Tables Podcast, or you could follow her Instagram, Monty Maida. Yeah, I found it really, really interesting. It's number 13. Sweet. Let's get into the questions.

Starting point is 00:13:53 All right. Question number one. I like the headline for this. Separated, but I need sex. Well, let's unpack. Hey guys, I need some help. My husband and I had separated in March. We've been together for 12 years, married for seven with two kids under five. It has been amicable, and to be honest, I think I mourned the relationship a long time before we actually separated. My question is this, though. I am horny. That's a statement.

Starting point is 00:14:20 Good on you. Lol, in no way, shape, or form am I ready to date a man, but a girl has needs. My girlfriends keep saying that I should just get on the apps, which seems like it's good in theory, except that I live in a very small city where everyone knows everyone, and I know i will come across his mates on the apps who will tell him that i'm on there and then they will be even more nastier than he is now i just don't know if i should say fuck it and do it or is it too soon help oh my husband and i separated in march that's not long much april that's three months no that's a that is a very short period of time to be actively because okay firstly do

Starting point is 00:14:59 whatever you want to you're separated you can live your life oh yeah no i'm not saying it for that reason I'm just trying to when you say is it too soon I'm just trying to do the math okay so you've been separated for three months you were together for 12 years at the end of the day you can do what you want you can do what you want a day after a separation you know it's up to you there's no right or wrong but when you've got kids and it's 12 years and you're in a small town then like two to three months would be deemed as soon by a lot of people I want to say go and do what you want and go and get on the apps because that's what you should be doing you do need to move on with your life and do whatever you feel like is the right thing for you but unfortunately you do need

Starting point is 00:15:34 to take into consideration what repercussions there will be and for you unfortunately you know he and his friends are going to be twats like you've said they're already nasty it's not great will they be nastier my answer is yes if he sees that you are on apps he will try to use that against you he might try and manipulate you in some way with the kids or I don't feel like it's going to end well but I hate saying that because in an ideal world it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't stop you but we have to be realistic here and if he's not if this is not amicable and he's not completely happy and he's not also moving on and it is a small town we all know what small towns are like I grew up in a small town everyone knows everyone there is no way you can go on a

Starting point is 00:16:15 dating app in a small town and it not get straight back to your ex so it's just something you need to weigh up is the juice worth the squeeze literally your juices are your juices we didn't need to go there we always have to go i'm going to you know i'm gonna take it if there's a shot i'm taking it but you just need to weigh that up you know for your life it's only going to impact your life it's not going to impact anyone else's life it's like you and the kids you're going to have to deal with him you're going to have to deal with his attitude and his friend's attitude so i don't know only you know it i honestly wouldn't say it any differently i think you hit the nail on the head the only thing i would add to this is normally my response

Starting point is 00:16:54 to these sorts of things would be you're separated you can do whatever you want to but i do think that when it comes into the situation where you're co-parenting and you're both going through the very messy immediacy after a breakup like it's it has only been three months that is probably very new and fresh and i'm assuming that that's from when you broke up not from because like breakups are never just you know immediate they're not not like and not up today's the day we broke up so like is that from the time where you had the big conversation around we're separating because it might have been a couple of weeks after that when everyone actually sort of really realized that okay the breakup's real the problem is is that and you've

Starting point is 00:17:30 you've nailed it in your question often we do the breakup when we're in the relationship so you've mentally moved on so even though it's only three months since the breakup of a really big and substantial relationship I mean marriage 12 years together like you know kids it's a big thing you checked out a long time ago. And so for you, it's not as big a deal, but I would dare say that he would be quite hurt if he saw you were on there. Because the thing is, is he doesn't know that you're just on there for sex. He might think you're on there because you're actively dating and that just feels really premature and a bit hurtful. But even if he did know you were just on there for sex, if this came as a shock to him and in his eyes, after 12 years, you've only been

Starting point is 00:18:10 separated for three months, whether it's sex or not, that's going to hurt. Like that's going to hurt somebody yes and look I understand it's going to hurt someone my thing is though is is it's not actually I'm not actually even really thinking about his hurt in this because you are allowed to do what you want to do my thing is is more so are you going to make your life really really hard and are you going to make the co-parenting situation really really hard for yourself it shouldn't have that impact but we would be living with our heads in the sand if we didn't think that it could have that impact I've got an idea so I okay before we get the idea just all I think is is like just give it another couple of months what you know I know you're horny I know

Starting point is 00:18:45 you want to get out there I know you want to get back on the horse so to say but can you wait another three months and then you will have been broken up for six months and then that's probably a little bit more of a justifiable time frame to be like well we separated six months ago I'm looking at you know what my options are out there in the big wide bad world of our tiny little community I agree but I'm not worried about like morally yeah six months is great more time the better i'm not worried about justifying it to him about this is how much time like you can do it i'm just more worried about it making your life hard totally but what i want to say this is my bright idea your friends are like you know you need to get back out there you need to get back

Starting point is 00:19:20 on the horse you're horny you are separated now which means you are going to be i'm assuming sharing the kids so you need to go away on the weekend that you don't have the kids go to another town go to wherever go fly up to the gold coast i don't even know where you live go with your friends for a girl's weekend play the away game get on the apps do whatever you want like play the away game also you don't want to be sleeping with someone in a tiny small town that knows all your business anyway like maybe that's for when you want to start dating properly go somewhere else and do it even if it's like an hour away to a town imagine like that's such a so much effort to get laid i'm so lazy no i can guarantee you this woman will be dying for a weekend with away

Starting point is 00:19:58 with her friends she's been married for 12 years and she's got kids no one in their right mind would say no to a weekend away with your girlfriends in that situation yeah but then you're not seeing your girlfriends you're going away to try and find someone to have sex with imagine if you're like hey hey brick come with me on a weekend away and then we get there and i'm like sorry match with this dude i'm gonna go fuck him for 12 hours i think it's fine 12 please please don't don't kid yourself i think it's fine i'm gonna go fuck him for 12 minutes sorry her friends are gonna be cheerleaders her friends gonna be like go get a girl like you know that's what real friends are the friends are not going to be like keeping your pants after 12 years. I'm just all, I'm all for

Starting point is 00:20:33 what creates the least amount of drama. And if that means a little bit of waiting or a little bit of inconvenience, then I feel like at the stage of life that I'm in, I'm happy to wait a little bit longer, but also I'm not, I'm not in this state. I'm not separated after 12 years and being unhappy. Anyway. All right. Question number two. Okay. Is a six minute voice note from a potential date a red flag? Yes. Now this needs some context because generally speaking, a six in a voice note could be my friend was chatting to a guy on hinge for two days so 48 hours they eventually exchanged numbers and after four days they planned to meet but she got cold feet because he was appearing too keen keen as in messaging multiple times throughout the day without her

Starting point is 00:21:14 responding and he would do things such as react to messages to get her attention in hopes that she would respond oh no so he's like written to her she's not written back so he's like you know where you put the question mark bubble. Oh, that's so awkward. She attempted the slow fade away replying after 24 to 48 hours. However, he wasn't getting the message and she decided to tell him she just wasn't interested in pursuing anything. As a response, he sent her a six minute voice message attempting to convince her to give him a chance. My friend is considering giving him a go because she appreciates the effort he has made. Now, keep in mind, they haven't actually met. I think this is an awful idea and a six minute voice message is a big giant red flag what would

Starting point is 00:21:58 you do my very first thought is if this guy is that hard to get rid of when you haven't even met him imagine what it's going to be like after you go out on a date this is not normal behavior this is really hyper fixating behavior this to me is like really overstepping the social cues of what is acceptable at this level of dating. And I, because someone badgered me into giving them a date is not the reason why I'd be giving them a date. So I would say this is red flag. Don't go on a date with this guy.

Starting point is 00:22:30 This is too much. Yes. So what I want to say is a six minute voice message doesn't have to be a red flag. A lot of people. That's a podcast. That's not a voice message. He sent you a mini podcast. I, a lot of people love a voice message.

Starting point is 00:22:43 For me, I'm not into it. Six minutes is too long. If one's more than a minute, all my friends know, don't do it one more minute. I'm not going to listen to it. I'm not going to get the message. keisha's like damn it you love a voice memo i do i love a voice memo especially if i'm driving because you know no but i do like that you can play them i learned this from shameless actually you can hold down the play button and you can play it at two times speed oh game changer okay

Starting point is 00:23:07 the reason why i have an issue with voice notes is because no one actually sends the note like nobody writes or speaks a voice note like they would a message messages are efficient it's like hey question when you're doing a voice on you're like hey sorry I'm just driving so I'm sending a book there's 30 seconds in you explaining why you're doing a voice like you don't need to send that just say what do you want to say I sent a pretty efficient voice message about 10 seconds go to Ben have a listen hey baby I filled up like a delicious water bottle of water and cold water and cordial and it's on the bench and I forgot it so you may as well drink it I'd hate for it to go to waste 20 cents love you bye we had to listen to that when you recorded it now we've had to

Starting point is 00:23:45 lose that time again so this oh i'm sorry repeat storyteller i had to i lost minutes of my life today i'm pregnant god damn it i forget everything so yeah okay the six minute voice message standalone depends what was in the message depends what he was saying you know all of that stuff really matters because there are some people that are really funny and comical and he might be like okay i know we'll get along i just want you to get a sense of who i am but a six minute voice message off the back of you trying to call it quits is a red flag like you have said straight up I don't want to see you anymore there's nothing like not anymore but like you haven't even met him your friend is like hey you know what not for me she's tried to call it off then the voice message

Starting point is 00:24:27 trying to convince you so that's where my problem is I don't want anyone to think that they get a voice message from someone and it's a red flag it's not people are putting in effort these days people trying to find their penguin they're looking at different you know different ways to connect with people. And maybe this person just isn't a texter and thinks that he can get more across in a voice message, but you can't do it off the back of saying, Hey, I don't want to meet you. Like that's the red flag. So if I were her, I'd just be blanking him now. Like you've said it. She's like, Oh, I'm considering giving him a go because he's really pestering me. Like, no, not for me. Yeah. Look, I mean like, yes, of course it might be a bit flattering that somebody

Starting point is 00:25:01 isn't taking no for an answer, but the thing is he doesn't know you. He actually doesn't know you at all so the fact that he's like not taking no for an answer is also very very odd the other thing is is like I would love to know and maybe everyone has a different scale for this when does it become badgering like obviously on one hand we want someone who pursues us you want someone who's proactive you want someone who is showing that they're interested but there is absolutely a line where it goes from being interested to being inappropriate and is it the fact that like you know when you haven't responded to a message he's like doing the love hearts and whatnot to try and get your attention so that you're like hey I'm still here I'm still here like these are very

Starting point is 00:25:39 passive ways well actually not in that passive but like they're very like minimal ways that he's like showing you that he wants your attention when you're not giving it to him which is like interrupting your day but then also he's doing the outward and very overt ways which is like the multiple messages the sending voice messages I don't know I'm like when does it cross the line between being like okay hey I'm proactive verse I am badgering you to get what I want because that I think is where it crosses into a problem. Yeah. But then I, yeah, I wonder if we flip it and I'm just thinking back to like all my years of online dating. If we flip this and it is the woman that is interested in a man, right? Like, so they're going to meet up and then he's slow

Starting point is 00:26:18 fading her. He's like writing back after 24 hours or 48 hours, like two days or whatever to a question. I would then say, Hey, if you're really keen and you want to follow up, I would say you could, you could send a question mark or like you could say, Hey, are we still going to do that? So I would say it's almost okay if you're really interested. I would just wonder because it used to drive me insane being on that receiving end. Like there would be times that I would do that to people where I would slow fade them and not want to talk to them and not reply because I was like, I'm done, whatever. But then there'd be times where maybe I had been vibing with this guy and then we'd organized

Starting point is 00:26:52 a meet and then he was slow fading me and it would drive me insane. I'm like, if banter was going well and everything seemingly was like, yeah, we're going to meet up in a couple of days then he's slow faded sometimes it's really hard to just step back and be like oh they're not interested when you've sort of invested a little bit of time and effort it seems good sometimes you would and no before you ask Laura I haven't sent a six minute voice message but would you feel like that after just 48 hours of texting someone would you feel that level of like because like I think a follow-up message is fine absolutely I've got no problems with the follow-up but this isn't a follow-up this is multiple follow-ups and then she had to

Starting point is 00:27:25 actually say hey I'm not interested in you and then it was badgering like I think it's crossed a line I do I do too I don't think she should meet him but I'm just saying I don't necessarily like the thing that bothers me here is I don't think you should meet him I think what he's done is too much but she says he was appearing too keen and it put her off and sometimes I think we confuse what we want sometimes we say I just wish someone would be interested in me I wish they would show me that they're keen message me and if you were really interested in him I don't think you'd be put off by how keen he is you wouldn't be saying he's too keen he's messaging too much it probably just is you're not on his level and you're not as keen as him if you were

Starting point is 00:28:02 interested in him you'd be like vibing it it would be cool that he's following you're like so cute he can't even wait for me to message back you know I think if anything this is just an indication that you're not on the same level of interest as he is but I don't know I think we can't complain on one hand that we're saying dating is so hard men don't put an effort in anymore and I'm saying men specifically to this situation men don't put an effort in anymore or they don't show an interest so it'd be really nice for someone to just show me they like me and then when they do you're like oh they're messaging too much they're too keen it's gross there are definitely people that are too keen and that are not you know dating in the right way or making you feel safe and whatever

Starting point is 00:28:35 else but I just don't want us to get to a point where we jump to that too quickly because someone is just showing you attention and an interest obviously you need to differentiate if that is like creepy and too much and this one for me is it is yeah I think this is across the line that's how I feel yeah no I'm most I'm just generally speaking I'm just winding it back now to her saying she got cold feet because he appeared too keen you know because the voice message came after she said he was too keen for the messages so I would just not be writing back to this guy for me I was like you've not met him you have no investment in him move it along yeah don't go on a pity date because you were badgered into going you're not interested you didn't want to

Starting point is 00:29:12 go and this guy's unrelentingly badgering you and the answer is no it goes for everything in life don't have sex with someone who badges you into having sex don't go on dates with men who badge you into going on dates like you don't have to do anything you don't want to and you're only doing this because you feel as though he's begging you to change his mind yeah your options are probably minimal at the moment you're probably not dating a lot of people and this guy's like fucking badgering you and no the answer is no yeah it's a red flag i agree okay all right question three hi ladies how to know when your relationship is over if you start googling is my relationship over that's probably ever yeah that's a pretty red hot sign that's how

Starting point is 00:29:47 i figured it out my husband and i have been together for almost 11 years we've been through a lot in that time including a separation and couples counseling we have an almost three-year-old and suffered a miscarriage three months ago after trying for 16 months i'm really sorry that you're going through that long story short everything he does lately pisses me off he teases our son which i hate because i copped that as a kid and it made me incredibly uncomfortable and gave me low self-esteem. I've spoken to him about it and he's doing it just for fun and to make him less soft, but I just find it really mean. There's that and a few other things. And I can't tell whether we're going through a rough patch with everything that's happened or whether I'm just

Starting point is 00:30:28 done. Interested to hear your opinions. I mean, we can't tell you if you're done with your relationship or not. I think there is something in it to say, like if you are Googling it or writing in, then you know, you've probably gone just over the cusp of curiosity. Yeah. The thing I don't like the most is where you say he's like pestering and bullying and making fun of your son to make him less soft like to me that is not a belief that I would subscribe to like that a son can't be soft at all he's three he's three he's a baby but it also doesn't matter what age he is like those ideas have gone out the window you can marry somebody or love somebody and be with somebody and you can know them wholeheartedly then you can go and have kids there's no way for

Starting point is 00:31:12 to know what kind of a parent someone's going to be or how they're going to show up in a relationship when you have kids. You can still know that person, but they're presented with new challenges in life. You didn't know what kind of a parent he'd be. Now you've seen it. You're chatting to him about the way that you don't like how he parents and how you would like it to be a different way. You've explained why, because it affected you as a child and you disagree. He's going to keep doing that. For me, I don't have kids as you all know, but I feel like that is a really big driver for a separation if you are adamantly disagreeing with how your partner parents it is going to build resentment it is going to turn you on so much like I don't like your husband

Starting point is 00:31:50 after listening to this the way that you've said please stop bullying a three-year-old to make him less soft and he's saying no he needs it for me that's like I don't know how you look at your partner the same in a situation like that but I don't know what else is going on in your life you have said that there has been quite tumultuous for a while you've done couples counseling there's been trial separations only you know you have gone through a miscarriage which as a couple and as individuals of course is going to affect you so when you say is it a rough patch or not it very well could be a rough patch but it also might not be and you only you're only going to know by I guess having to think a really deep think about everything else that he's bringing

Starting point is 00:32:29 to the table the way he's acting towards you towards your family unit towards your son and then making a decision if that is what you want because if you are trying to bring another child into the world that's only going to double down yeah I mean I when I read this one it's really tricky because we don't we never want to give the advice of like leave your relationship you know especially when you've been with your partner for 11 years and you've got a kid together I would also say like don't underestimate the impacts of trying for 16 months for a baby and then having a miscarriage like the the devastation of that like that is a really big thing that only happened three months ago that's a lot for you guys to get over as a couple but also individually

Starting point is 00:33:08 for you yeah don't disregard that as being a huge player in this I think the thing though is you've said everything he does lately pisses me off has he always pissed you off has it just been in the last few months has it been in the last like I would really love like I guess a bit more understanding from the time frame perspective because sometimes you can go through a period which is a rough patch and then your partner the way you feel about them everything they do drives you absolutely fucking crazy. But I do believe that things that spiral down can also spiral back up and you can fix it. The only thing is, is the part of it that I struggle with is if you resent him because of the way he is with your child that you already have, just like you said, Britt,

Starting point is 00:33:50 that's a really hard thing to overcome. And I think for most people, if you saw your partner being mean, it probably makes you, not only if you're already pissed off with all these other emotional things that are loaded into it but that's just like the icing on the cake you're like you're also just being a shitty dad at the moment I want to say if you're unsure I know you said you've done some trial separations and also couples counseling I would wonder whether you've been and had individual counseling like and actually spoken to someone impartially on your own because it sounds like you've got a lot of stuff that you need to work through and maybe going and speaking to someone separately not with your partner not with the intention of it fixing

Starting point is 00:34:27 the relationship but just like working through okay from top to bottom what is it that I want how am I feeling obviously hormones are probably all over the place post miscarriage as well like just really kind of working through your own shit a little bit might help you put things into perspective as to whether this is a patch that you guys are going to get through or whether this is actually you being like you know what the relationship is not for me and it's run its course now but it is impossible for us to say that but it does sound like you have a lot of reasons as to why you feel the way you feel also sometimes when you're subconsciously checking out of a relationship you want to find reasons to justify it as well and so everything that he

Starting point is 00:35:06 does now pisses you off you know maybe you are just done and i'm just saying this is food for thought i'm not telling you you're done we don't know your relationship but sometimes that's what we do like also one huge issue that is making you uncomfortable and pissing you off which is the fact that he teases your son for quote fun it's easy then for it to snowball for you to be like do you know what fucking everything you were doing is wrong like it's not just that it's this and this and this it's really easy to sit in that situation but also that like i mean i'm just thinking of this as like from a parenting perspective there is nothing more fucking annoying than when your kid is like happily playing everything is calm in the house there

Starting point is 00:35:44 is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong no one's upset and then all of a sudden one person just decides to sit there poking until because it explodes right then you've got a kid crying you go oh I didn't do anything that's like why why what was you let them be what was your reason for doing that because now you've made my job harder you've made your job harder you've made this poor little kid fucking upset like what was the purpose of all of this and if you're having to deal with that on repeat all the time like that is absolutely infuriating and I'm saying this not like Matt does not do this I know it probably sounds like I'm like channeling I've witnessed this happen a lot you know in parents who think it's funny to do things that are like

Starting point is 00:36:21 oh like I was just I was just messing around or I was tickling and the parent takes the game too far for a kid's little three-year-old capacity and then they get super emotional they're super worked up and then everyone's dealing with a meltdown and it's like you did that and you're an adult grow up I don't know that to me like I understand why you're so pissed off by this this is a really hard one but the question how do you know if a relationship is over it's how long is a piece a string like it is impossible for anyone to answer that but you I think you just need to look at your future what are your non-negotiables what's important to you how do you see your life how do you see the person in your life treating your kids how do you see the environment that

Starting point is 00:36:56 your kids are going to grow up in like you need to write down a picture of these things speak to a therapist whatever it is you choose to do but I would go to the counselor probably alone for this one personally if you don't think deep down that your partner fits into the ideals of what you see and want and desire for your future and a safe environment for you and your family then maybe that is how you know so I would be having a really really deep think and writing these sort of things down what you want versus what you think you have don't get stuck in the the sunk cost fallacy of saying well we've been together this long and you know like I would hate to have to start again and if something doesn't work for you something might have worked for you

Starting point is 00:37:37 a decade ago it might not work for you now but like Laura said things that do spiral down can spiral back up so as long as your husband is willing to listen to you and understand that what he's doing is not right for your child and for you and for the environment and he's willing to work with that then of course it can make its way back up and you guys could get to a place that you might have never been to before you might be better than ever have you ever heard of like it's a it's a I mean just a saying in terms of because like people always ask how do you know when a relationship's over and the thing is is everyone's capacity for when a relationship is over is different some people's relationships are over and they stay in that relationship for their entire

Starting point is 00:38:14 lives right like so it really is different but someone said this to me once it really stuck with me a relationship's over when one person decides it is and like if you're at a point where that decision is something that you want and you know that that is right for you if there is a persistent lack of communication if there is a persistent lack of understanding of repair of them actually showing up and doing the things that they want to do if there is a persistent resentment that is there then your relationship is over and they're your telltale signs but I think once you've made a decision that's how you know that it's over yeah that's really hard it's the making the decision that's the hard part yeah I recently read something from Dr John Gottman that was about

Starting point is 00:38:53 contempt and basically that way I've just googled it so I can kind of refresh essentially this whole thing was about how once you have contempt in your relationship that's the pivotal moment that things go downhill and they very rarely go back up the hill again so I've just googled contempt is a form of communication that expresses disrespect and disdain for a partner often manifesting a sarcasm mockery name calling and dismissive gestures like eye rolling it's more than just criticism it's a way of belittling and devaluing the other person creating a sense of superiority I recognize why that would be the point of no return because how do you come back from feeling like that yeah yeah I definitely think there are points way before that though

Starting point is 00:39:33 on the spectrum of when to leave like I don't think you have to wait to get to that point but I understand that that could be the point where you probably don't come back from it yeah sorry I thought that that was quite specific to you know what she's saying that she's experiencing in her relationship, but it's almost like it's being directed towards your child, which, look, yeah, again, I'm not here to tell you what to do in your relationship, but I think if there's contempt in your relationship, I think it would be very hard to come back from.

Starting point is 00:39:59 Last question. And now, Britt, you've said you have no idea how to answer this one, so I also feel the same. But we're going to do it anyway. Let's unpack this together. Because it's freaking hard. It's really hard. My in-laws currently live 1.5 hours away from us.

Starting point is 00:40:13 Often when they come to visit, they want to stay the night. We have two young children and a small unit. I find it all gets so overwhelming when they stay over because they have big personalities and quite different views to me. My partner also clashes with his parents at times and it can all just get really heated. They also have a small dog who likes to piss in our small house on arrival. What? Fuck that.

Starting point is 00:40:34 Not normal. They want to move even further away from us and I think they think that when they do this, they can just stay in our place whenever they come to see the grandchildren. all for day visits and catch-ups but is it rude to tell them that they can't stay at our house overnight how do you word that nicely should i just suck it up and let them stay over from time to time yes yes okay it was easier to answer and i thought it was going to be no the dog the dog pissing thing has to stop the easiest answer you guys have ever given no because it's so hard because you want to say it's your space it's your family you don't have to do anything you don't do

Starting point is 00:41:08 like we all know that those are the answers like you have the autonomy to make the decisions that you're happy with we blah blah blah sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do in life like that is life and we don't always get to say like it doesn't serve me sometimes you have to be the bigger person the dog pissing thing like that you need to work that out like you can't just have a dog come and piss around your house yeah you just say like you can stay but unfortunately the dog keeps pissing in our house so the dog can't come get a dog sitter like they don't need to bring the dog that's on them they can sort that out 100 but it's pretty normal i'm lucky not for me but it's pretty normal that you might not get along with your in-laws or you have different

Starting point is 00:41:46 personalities and it can feel like a lot in a small space you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who doesn't feel overly comfortable in a tiny apartment with multiple big personalities sleeping like it's part and parcel with life like you sometimes you do things you don't want to do having your in-laws stay sporadically for a night or two is something you have to do maybe you book yourself up a little bit maybe you're really busy over that time you're not spending ludicrous amounts of time with them maybe you're going out to dinner instead of like everyone being home and cooking and cramming use that area like book a date night with your husband go out and have dinner and leave the kids with the grandparents use them i think they're also there to see all of them i

Starting point is 00:42:24 don't think you can abandon them but you could all go out together to like make it a little bit easier but like i just think you do have to let them stay okay i have questions though frequency i need to know the frequency how often are they coming are they coming once a month is it once every two months is it once a week like frequency is an important factor in this conversation secondly and this is really a conversation around boundaries and you hit it on the head when you said it sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't like we can all set boundaries boundaries impact our relationships in positive ways but also in negative ways and in this instance if you put the boundary in place that you don't want your in-laws staying in your house for all

Starting point is 00:43:01 the reasons that you've given and some of them are personal reasons like the fact that they have big personalities and you just find it overwhelming when they're there because you don't really get along with them it's not an easy you know it's not an easy space they probably don't realize that they probably quite adore spending time with you guys love seeing their grandchildren and probably have no self-awareness as to how annoying they are so I think that that boundary is going to come with a lot of consequences and it's going to impact the relationship you have with them they're going to be offended they're going to it's going to be drama it's always going to be awkward some drama with your husband because then he's got to try and manage with his parents and

Starting point is 00:43:37 blah blah blah but think it's never not awkward to have be on the receiving end of hey like we don't want you to stay like you're always it's always going to then feel weird like even if you're like cool no worries i'll get a hotel they're going to talk about you it's going to caused the problem it also then on the flip side hear me out it also then means that every time they want to see their grandchildren or see you see their son there's a monetary investment that's going to require them to do so it's going to cost them money to do so does that also mean that every time you want to travel to see them that you need to pay because you're not going to stay at their house like is that what the now expectation is like i do think it creates an unnecessary amount

Starting point is 00:44:16 of stress and I think it all comes down to frequency keep it to a frequency that you feel comfortable with where it's not overbearing and you can stomach one night two nights whatever it is once a month whatever yeah and I think you know if it's a if it's a case that you're put out one night every you know blue moon it's not a big deal like I think we can all be adults and suck that up for the greater good of like family and everything else yeah I think where I think the boundary is coming to play you know I don't want anyone to take what I said about like you do things you don't want to do, you know, we know that this is very situational, but obviously if this was causing your kids discomfort or putting their routine out or they're uncomfortable around your

Starting point is 00:44:55 grandparents for whatever reason, that's when boundaries are absolutely fine. But I don't think the boundary here is because you've got a small unit and the dog pisses and it's too many big personalities. Every family has big personalities. The dog can stay in a kennel or with a friend or the dog can stay outside. The family needs to continue to visit. Yeah. I mean, the real question here was i'm all for visits and catch-ups all for day visits and catch-ups but is it rude to tell them they can't stay at our place overnight how do i word that nicely you can't yeah you can you can once in a while say oh actually we've got friends coming in the morning like so you know sleeping over doesn't work for us on this occasion yeah but you can't blanket rule you can't stay at

Starting point is 00:45:32 our house there is no nice way that you can say that that's going to go down well good fucking luck yeah nana's going to be pissed especially if she's got a big personality yeah good luck all Well, look, that is it from us, guys. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, slide into the DMs. If you disagree, if you agree, if you have any thoughts, feelings, emotions, if you want to hear me talk about the baby standing up again. We're just in an echo chamber. We just want the positivity.

Starting point is 00:45:55 No, we're not. I'm joking. Slide into the DMs and tell us how you really feel about all the things because we care deeply. But just a spoiler, next week we won't be talking about Lauren's baby standing up. I am going to. Just stay tuned for an update.

Starting point is 00:46:08 I've only got it in me once to let you repeat story tale. One time. I can't promise that I'm not going to make those mistakes again in the future. I am. We'll alert you to it. So tired. Like it's, I'm beyond. I'm in a new category of tiredness.

Starting point is 00:46:20 I'm literally, words come out of my mouth and I don't know what they are. I can't wait to listen to this in the edit and fix it. Concerning when we talk for a living. Love that. Okay. Keep the Accidentally Unfiltered's Ask Uncut, everything coming into Instagram, Life Uncut podcast. We always keep you anonymous.

Starting point is 00:46:35 Just put it at the top there if it's Ask Uncut or if it's an Ask Uncut Aftermath or if it's an Accidentally Unfiltered. Also, go check us out on YouTube and you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love!

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - 6 Minute Voice Notes, Horny Separations & When Is The Relationship Over?

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