Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - A Drunk Hen, Who Is Your Grandma and Holidaying with Exes

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

Hey Lifers Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions! There is a lot of weird news in the world today... mostly the guy who chose to put 15 hard boiled eggs in his backside. Britt's partner Ben has had a hair makeover.Did you 'plan' your hair look for your wedding in terms of colour/length etc? Did you opt for something that was your 'look' rather than going for a short term hair change? Vibes for the week: Keeshia: Sweet Bobby on NetflixBritt: Instax cameraLaura: Fallen Angel Podcast Then we jump into your questions! DID WE DO THE RIGHT THING BY THE DRUNK HEN?We just wrapped up a hen's night where the hen KO'd herself pretty early, before the festivities were finished - the MOH got her home safely (talking 7.30) and the rest of the party headed home. We'd already organised some entertainment, so instead of going out to where it'd been organised for, we made the call to stay in the hotel room and keep an eye on the hen, and enjoyed the entertainment (just the two of us). The groom found out and blew up - said we put the hen in danger, that it was unforgivable, and he doesn't want anything to do with either of us. Major drama! My question - Did we do the wrong thing? Is his blow up and subsequent major drama valid? Or were we fine to have a little fun while we still took care of our friend? It's created so much drama a week out from the wedding, is all the hatred warranted, or is he just being a complete dick? I DON'T LIKE THEM CALLING HER GRANDMAI have a new baby who is now 3 months old, and when I was pregnant my dad’s partner asked to be called Grandma which at the time I felt a bit put on the spot and was like ‘sure’. After thinking about it and chatting with my partner I am not sure how comfortable I am with her being “Grandma”. For context she has been with my dad since I was 18 which I think is relevant because I have never lived with her and she has had no hand in raising me and to be honest we have never had a great relationship. I feel like my mum and my partner's mum have done the hard yards to earn that title which she has not. I also don’t want to confuse my child for example if she is asking on Mother’s Day why “Grandma” doesn’t get a card or present and having to explain she is not actually her Grandma. So basically throughout the end of my pregnancy and having a new baby I never ended up having the convo and tbh I am a bit conflict avoidant. Over the weekend her and my dad met my partner’s parents who are visiting from Spain and she introduced herself as Grandma. So my question is… is it too late for me to have that conversation? I really don’t want her to be called Grandma or anything like that but have I let it go too long? Or how would you go about having the convo? Should I speak with my dad as he knows her better than me and would know the best way to address it?  CAN I TELL HIM TO NOT GO?My partner of 3 years has been invited on a family overseas holiday by his ex-wife and their 2 young kids. The ex-wife is paying for his expenses as one of the kids really wants Dad to be there. The ex wife’s new partner is also joining them. This has left me feeling really uncomfortable and ultimately left out. Is it fair to ask my partner to not go because of how I feel or should I tell him he should go despite it making me feel uncomfortable and anxious. You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and it's Thursday, Therapy Thursday. You're writing your deepest, darkest, burning, strangest, weirdest questions. Or traumatic and heartfelt, whatever it is. We'll do our best to answer them. We have been sitting here for quite a while trying to discuss what we're going to talk about at the start of this episode. We've been through everything.

We were like some really meaningful things. There was an article about a guy who put 15 hard-boiled eggs into his butt. But we did settle on something better than the eggs. Well, the eggs were up there. I'm only saying this because I was really pushing for the guy with the 15 eggs in his bum. He was also pushing to get the 15 eggs out of his bum. I just, it baffles me.

It really does. Because that is a headline. and man gets rushed to hospital because he has 15 hard-boiled eggs in his backside. The questions are why. Why did he do it? It doesn't baffle me because I've seen it so many times in the hospital system.

15 eggs? No, but toilet brushes. I've seen so many things up the butthole. I can't. I can't. I have more of a question as to why you'd boil 15 specifically. Like why was it 15 and not 14? That's what I want to know.

Why wasn't it 16? I think you had one left over from the dozen. No, a dozen's 12, babe. Oh, 15. Three left over. Fucking quick math. Why wasn't it a baker's dozen just with one extra? Like 15 is such an intentional amount of eggs.

Or do you think he got to 15 and then he was like, that's enough? I think he was on drugs and it was a drug-induced dozen. Wow. Yeah. But anyway, he went to the hospital and he was like, hey, I'm in a lot of pain. I think he forgot that were in there. I'm really glad that even though it did get vetoed as the thing that we're going to discuss in the start of this episode, that I got to bring it.

So you're welcome, everybody. Have you never thought about putting something up your butt? Yes, of course I've thought about it. But not eggs, not household goods. If you had to go an egg or a toilet brush. Not FMCG products. Like I'm not out there in like Woolworths going, should I go free range or should I go the cheap ones?

People do that. Extra large? People do. People go to the supermarket with that literal thought on what they can buy. And this isn't a joke. They do. They go to the veggie section with the pure intention of which one of these products can I put up my butthole.

I'm sure. I do believe that there would be someone out there, but I can't imagine that there's many of them. I just don't understand it. There's so many good sex toys out there these days. So many great female-led companies that are creating fantastic things that are ergonomically designed to stick inside you. Why would you go for eggs or a carrot or a zucchini? It makes no sense. Well, when you think about it- Stop trying to plead the case, Britt. Stop. For the experimentation. What about those eggs that we use? What are they called again? The jade egg? Yeah, but, you know, the eggs we put inside ourselves to get tight pelvic floor.

Kegel? Yeah, like Kegel things. Yeah, but, okay, if you're going to try and use that as a benchmark for comparison, we're never going to agree on this. There is never going to be a universe where I think it's normal. Like, and I know I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum, but I'm not going to say that it's okay to stick 15 eggs up your backside. It's just not it.

If it ain't flared, it's not going in there. Do you think they're in the hospital and they're like, right, we need to get this out? Do you think they're just making him squat down and birth him like a chicken? Like plops them out? Or do you think there has to be an operation? I think it has to be an operation. I think it would depend if the eggs were shelled or not. No, they were shelled.

Because I reckon you could shit that out. Stop talking about this. I give up. What were we going to talk about? There was a guy in Greece who's been sneaking into people's houses smelling socks as well. Like, look, when it comes to the content today, it was a little bit dry, guys. I was actually pushing for the German pizzeria that was selling a lot of the pizza number 40. Turns out they were actually selling cocaine.

Yeah. Today was just a bit grim. The world is just a strange place at the moment. It really is. And everyone's like, I mean, we're sitting in between eggs, shoe sniffing, a pizzeria that's got cocaine in it, and then the king is in town and no one cares. Like it's just, it really is one of those days. I love that the king is literally here down the road.

I do have a personal update that no one is going to care about. But I do want to say, like, I feel like my relationship with Ben has been reinvigorated. Was it less invigorated before? Well, we're in a long distance, long term relationship. We don't see each other. It can get boring. He dyed his hair blonde and I am frothing at the bit. It is exactly.

Or frothing at the slit. This is what I want to say. That's disgusting. You always take it one step too far. That was good. That was good. It was disgusting. I have also seen photos of Ben normally I would not think that a bleached blonde hairdo

hairdo not dude would be attractive like it really kind of screams 1990s 90210 frosted tips to me screams Eminem yeah but he he pulls it off he looks good he looks super super hot and lots of people actually I have been monitoring his social media there have been some Romanian girls that have been a little bit too flirty on his social media about his new looks but I think this is what people might need to do if you are like in a long-term relationship and you're feeling like you need a little bit extra spice make a change make a hair change most of the time people make hair changes when they're going through a breakup quintessential cut a fringe that's what we do so now we're in this discussion on do we keep our hair colors for our wedding does he keep blonde

and do I keep my auburn this auburn era that I'm in I don't think blonde will age well in wedding photos it doesn't have it doesn't have a traditional feel to it but also like who cares I care do people actually like do they really think about this because I mean you usually have about a year before you get married or like at least that amount of time do people kind of plan like oh this is what I'm going to do because long term I want to feel like myself at this moment did you do these laws I mean I don't really change my look ever like I have I mean in the whole time you've known me for six years I've had medium length hair I haven't even dyed it and the parts always on the same it's now just slightly going gray like I don't do anything so I was just me

I just had some extra hair extensions put in, so I looked like I had hair. That was nice. I think it's very important to think about how things will age. And I'm going to bring to the table, example A, Victoria and David Beckham. Their wedding did not age well because they didn't think ahead of time. I also think on your wedding, you kind of just want to look back and feel like you look like yourself. Exactly.

That would be my biggest, I mean, not that anyone's coming to me for wedding advice. All right, well, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes. Keish, what is your vibe? Mine is the brand new film that has dropped on Netflix called Sweet Bobby. My Catfish Nightmare. It's an hour and 20 minutes. A lot of you might remember the podcast from 2021 called Sweet Bobby. It was super, super, super viral. So it is the story of a woman named Karat and she experienced one of the more horrific catfishing stories that I've ever heard of. It went on for about eight or nine years and I'm not going to give any spoilers away if you don't

know the story already, but she was in a relationship with this person for the last three years of that and it ended up kind of dissolving her life you know she gave up a job she really became disconnected from her family and her friends and they've gone and made a Netflix about it if you've already heard the podcast I mean you might be interested to kind of see it all summarized because it was only an hour and 20 minutes but it was really interesting to see this happened back in 2009 and I don't feel as though we've come as far as what we should have In terms of like online abuse like this? Do you think that the Netflix episode of this was done as well as the podcast?

Because the podcast was so well listened to and so loved. Like it went very, very viral. I listened to it and I'm not normally someone who listens to kind of true crime or investigative type journalism. Did you find that it was like as good as? I actually feel as though I probably enjoyed it more because I had like a visual element. You can hear from the actual people that were involved in this saga and it was shorter. So like, you know, it kept my attention span for the entire time, but the catfisher ended

up using 60 different Facebook profiles to create the most elaborate web of a catfishing story. Yeah. I don't know. The thing that I left watching the film with was like, how do we not have better regulations around this now? You know, that's kind of why she's sharing her story and that's, you know, why she's gone on and made this Netflix film because she wants the law to catch up with the fact

that this is abuse and it can really ruin people's lives. and I was surprised to see that after all this time we haven't really made any changes that can protect victims of this type of abuse. I would love to see that because I found the podcast got a little bit slow in the middle and I found it hard to keep my attention I know that that might not be the case for everyone because I know how much it was like number one every week in the charts but I yeah one and a half hours is far more suited to me. I feel the opposite I love the podcasts, but I love long podcasts. I love podcasts that have six series in them, same as TV series. But my, my record today was going to be the podcast for those that hadn't listened to

it because I know the doco is trending right now. So I'm one of those people that loves to read a book before I watch the movie. And I feel the same. If I know that there is a podcast series or something on a documentary, I always like to listen to that first. So that was going to be my record. It is brilliant, Keisha. So if anyone hasn't gone, listened to the podcast or watched it, please do. But my record is going to be a little bit more wholesome. Some of you might have seen that this is something that Ben and I do, and I really can't recommend it enough. From the day we met, we got a Polaroid camera and every time we're together, we just take Polaroids. We have a book of Polaroids and we put them immediately into the book. So it's actually

just like going back a little bit old school and having a photo album. I wanted something that I could physically pick up go through we write the date on the back of the polaroid so that one day we'll look back and we have our whole journey together like mapped out in these little polaroid books and it's really really cute I have shown it on Instagram a few times and people are always like oh what polaroid camera do you use you can use any the one that we have is instax i-n-s-t-a-x they're always updating them you can get lots of cute colors if you want it to be aesthetic I'm thinking ahead of time where I'm like oh how cool one day if our kids pick this up and look at all these old cute little tiny polaroid pictures so that's my recommendation is to like go a little

bit old school bit wholesome and start to capture those memories physically because what if everything gets wiped one day what if we keep all these digital all these digital albums i think the issue is is that most of us have all of our photos on our phones and we never ever get them printed we we use a great i have to think of the company but we use a great like photo album printing company so like once a year or twice a year we'll just do a big photo dump and then it gives you a proper printed out photo book cannot remember the name of it but like come for me and we can put that in the show notes too yeah yeah so that's my vibe what's yours my vibe is a podcast series it's based on what we were talking about on Tuesday so on Tuesday's episode if you haven't

listened to it yet we spoke in depth around Victoria's Secret and we kind of touched on the really seedy past of Victoria's Secret and how there is a lot of controversy around the brand itself and what went on behind closed doors also around the hierarchy of the Victoria's Secret models and what it meant to be a Victoria's Secret angel. There is a absolutely fantastic podcast that was recommended to me and I've started listening to it. It's called Fallen Angel. It's hosted by journalist Vanessa Gregoriadis. Now I probably have butchered her last name, but she's a journalist for Vanity Fair and her take on it is so interesting. She's also in terms of the types of articles and the types of journalism that she does. She was the very

last journalist to interview Keith Raniere, who you guys might remember, we did the episode all about Nixxiom, the cult in the States who was branding celebrities. It's a really wild story around that. And I guess like her insight into it, the layers of it. I'm up to episode three at the moment, but there's 10 episodes in total. And I think for anyone who was really interested in the backstory and how, not the rebrand, because it's not around what's happening now, but around like the really insidious past of Victoria's Secret Angels, how it links into Jeffrey Epstein. It is truly fascinating. So it's called Fallen Angel. You can listen to it wherever you listen to your podcasts. Awesome. All right, let's get into the questions.

Question number one. We just wrapped up a hen's night where the hen KO'd herself pretty early before the festivities were finished. The mother of the hen got her home safely, so I'm talking 7.30, and the rest of the party headed home. We'd already organized some entertainment. I think she means entertainment like strippers. She hasn't said that. I mean, we're reading between the lines on this one. Yeah. We'd already organized some entertainment. So instead of going out where it had been organized for, we made the call to stay in

the hotel room and keep an eye on the hen, but still enjoy the entertainment. So there were just two of us. The groom found out and absolutely blew the fuck up. Said we put the hen in danger, that it was unforgivable. He doesn't want anything to do with either of us. This is like a major drama happening right now in our group. My question, did we do the wrong thing? Is this blow-up and subsequent major drama valid?

Or were we fine to have a little fun while we still took care of our friend? It's created so much drama just a week out from the wedding. Is all the hatred warranted or is he just being a complete dick? I'm so confused. Wait, did the mother get her home to the hotel or to her house? Like, were you guys staying somewhere or did you invite a stripper back to her home? No, the hotel. Okay, you think it was a hotel?

100%. It's definitely a hotel. They decided to go to the hotel. The thing that confuses me is she said, we enjoyed the entertainment, just the two of us. So I don't know if two other friends came back and enjoyed it or if she means there were two, including the passed out hen. So she just enjoyed a private stripper.

Okay. No, from reading this, what I think has happened is she's gone back to the hotel. There's two bridesmaids and the hen has passed out. Do you reckon? Yeah, absolutely. Otherwise my feelings are different. Look, I think in this instance, the right thing to do would have been to cancel the stripper.

Like I definitely don't think it's – Maybe you've sort of paid for it. Yes, you've paid for it. Yes, you've organized it, all that stuff. I do think it's kind of – well, actually, I think it's really inappropriate. I think it is inappropriate to have a stripper come to the house and be doing a lap dance while you are seemingly – when you say you still had an eye on your friend,

while she's passed out in a bed somewhere. I just think like that's a situation. I don't necessarily think it's dangerous because he's obviously a paid employee. It's not like you found a random guy to come in. but I do think the whole situation really probably shouldn't have happened that is my take I understand why the fiance is angry because he feels as though instead of taking care of her you had a stripper come back and you prioritized your own fun your own enjoyment over her and the hen who's not it actually was about so I absolutely understand that there is animosity there how is

the hen responding to this like I mean I know he's angry and he's the one saying he doesn't want anything to do with you, but there's this kind of gray line at hens parties and also bucks parties where it's almost assumed that it's everyone else's responsibility when the buck or hen gets really, really drunk. It's like it's everyone else's fault that they've gotten so obliterated. But I do also think there has to be some self-awareness that, you know, you know how much you can or can't drink. Like you have made choices to get that absolutely obliterated as well. It's tricky because I think that when it comes to hens parties, there's a lot of peer pressure. There's a lot of have another shot, have another drink. There's a lot of overexcitement.

And so sometimes it does happen. And I know myself that I've had friends who have ended up absolutely legless at like 4.30 in the afternoon and it's ruined the hen's party. But I definitely think that if that happens, then you as a friend have a responsibility to take care of the person that's just gotten so blind drunk. Yeah. I don't think that there's anyone to blame here. I don't think there's any fault in terms of who got who drunk because at the end of the day, yes, there's encouragement to drink more at your hands but you're also your own person that can say no I've had enough yeah absolutely there's I'm not putting any blame on anyone for this if I was the hen and I woke up the next day and found out that my friends had been getting a lap dance or stripping

or whatever was going on whilst I was literally passed out in the bed I would be proper upset with that you'd be pretty off it yeah oh I just think that's inappropriate if it's and we don't know like, you know, it's easy for us to say someone KO'd herself, knocked herself out. Is that just like she was too drunk to be out anymore? Or she properly passed out? Like, you know, I don't know the use of the term and what condition she was actually in, but I would be upset if I woke up and I was like, you had a guy in here dancing, naked, drinking, partying while I'm passed out in my bed. Like I would be upset. I think the partner has every right to be upset, but I do think it is a slight overreaction to say, we want nothing to do with you. And like, you know,

don't come to the wedding in a week. And I think that is a bit over the top. Maybe you did do the wrong thing, but you know, you didn't put her in danger in terms of like laying her on the street and leaving her alone, passed out while you went and partied. So I think I'm on both people's sides here. I understand what you're saying that you think you took care of your friend, but I also understand his point of view where you could have probably taken care of her a little bit better or made some better decisions. Yeah. Look, I think a big discussion has to be had. And I also think that the bride needs to be included in this your friend needs to be included in this because it is very likely that she has expressed to her partner as well how unhappy she is with the situation so

it's not just him who's trying to you know control it and is overreacting she's probably upset she missed out no I don't know I think that the friends really misread this and really did do something that kind of like I don't want to say like you know you've done the wrong thing and I don't want to like rain down on you guys because like you know obviously you have written this in because you're so like did we completely miss the mark with this and I do think to some point you missed the mark because when you are in your own safe environment like she has been brought back to her home to the place that is safe for her to be when she's totally incapacitated and can't like she doesn't know what's going on because she's so so drunk we've all either had a friend that's been

in that state or you've been in that state yourself so to bring a foreign person into that environment where she's in the place that's safe to have this fun where you're not actually going to be able to be watching her or everyone's laughing around her she doesn't know what's happening I think that that's really wrong and I think that that's like you're taking advantage of a situation because you still want to have a good night on a night that's absolutely not about you and I think if it meant losing a bit of money because you know you had to cancel the stripper that would have been the kinder more considerate thing to do as a friend I also always try and play devil's advocate and present or look at both sides and I just sort of put myself in this girl's

position I guess there's a part of me that would understand if they've gone back to the hotel and it's a suite right like it's not just a hotel room where the bed is next to the little tiny lounge room you know like if it's not one room if you've gone all out and there's a suite and you've put you know that she's not actually passed out she's just drunk and needs to sleep it off so if you're like okay we're gonna put her to bed it's 7 30 p.m if you two are absolutely fine I understand why you're like do you know what we could still just have fun in the lounge room we're still with her we're here if she needs us, like we'll continue our night. I sort of get that now that I'm putting myself in it. I have no doubt if you are one of her closest friends, it would not have been any

part of you that would have been a conscious decision of like, let's do this if we think she's actually in danger. If you thought there was any proper danger, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, I think you wouldn't have done it. So I understand how you probably were in that position and thought like, hey, she can sleep it off. We'll stay here. We'll try and make the most of our night. But then I can understand why he, the partner has gotten upset. So I do want to say I 100% see both sides I don't think anyone has done the wrong thing per se but you need to go into that conversation with the fiance being understanding of his feelings you know you need to say I I'm so sorry that you feel like that and I want you to know that I understand why you think

that I need you to know that I never ever would have done something if I thought that anyone was in danger and I'm sorry yeah absolutely and like you make a really good point Brit is that we don't have all of the pieces because there is a version of this story that is way worse than the alternate version. And we're assuming that it is the less bad option. We're trying to assume that, okay, like these are the reasons and maybe he's overreacting a little bit, but also it's probably safe to assume that he is making assumptions as well around what happened because he's feeling in the blanks. All he knows is that his fiance was passed out and you had a stripper come to the hotel like that sounds pretty fucked I absolutely understand why he has the feelings

he has a very big conversation has to be had but also I think that this is a pretty I mean I don't think that this is a common thing that's ever going to happen but it's a good conversation that we are having because it does make you go okay well if my friend was in that situation what would I do what would I do and maybe before you make a decision that really isn't the kindest most conscious or safest choice for that person, you would think twice about it. Because I think it was more so just a moment of being thoughtless rather than actually going, okay, what could be the implications of this? You know, what could happen if we have someone coming into this apartment when our friends blackout drunk? Yeah. Is that a good idea? No. I'm dreading my hands

and I'm going to put this out here right now. You guys know I don't shot. I'm no peer pressure for shotting. I'm not shotting, but I'll be having cocktails. I will be drinking. But the thought of doing shots I've never been a shotter in all of my life the thought of me doing shots makes me feel sick thinking about it but I also think you have the type of hands that reflects the type of person that you are no one was doing shots at my hand breakfast brunch we had we had cups of tea at 8 p.m do you know what I mean like no one was getting blind drunk my hands and we all had an awesome weekend we also painted your face a naked man that was fun so we was arty yeah we still had all of the elements of what would make a fun hands but like we got up first thing in the morning and

there was a naked dude in the apartment and we did like breakfast we did life drawing and we all drunk mimosas around him you know like it wasn't no one was getting turnt I guess like that's probably the bigger thing yeah I certainly wasn't I think it also happens when you get engaged or get married like later you know I want to say later in life in terms of not your early 20s but like when you're in your late 30s it just hits different I know what you would love you would love like a massage and all of us having a really nice dinner somewhere with a view and then going home and being in bed by eight. Keisha, you're making me sound boring. No, the reason I know this is because I'm like, that's also my dream. Yeah, it's my dream. Can we please do that for

your head? If I could get all my friends to have like a spa treatment and relax and kick back with some cocktails, really great food, maybe a boat. I don't know. Like, I love the idea of like the nude drawing or something that's a bit spicy, topless waiters, whatever. Like, I love that idea, but I don't want anyone else's dick in my face. So you don't want strippers? Not asking for reference. I'm not opposed to a stripper, but like in the daylight still, I don't want to be drunk at midnight with a, yeah, with a dick in my face. I also think that strippers are not all cut evenly. Like that's, I've, I have been to loads of hen parties. No, they're not. Some are circumcised and some are not. I've been to loads, loads of hen parties that have had strippers and some of them

I have found funny and have like really enjoyed. And some of them I've been like, that is way too much. And it's so over the line. And the problem is, is you don't know what version of a stripper you're going to get. And I remember one hen's party I went to and I was like, I feel so uncomfortable and I could tell that my friend was also uncomfortable. And I was like, we were also very young. And I think if I was older, I would have responded differently. But you don't know the performance that that stripper is going to do unless you have seen it beforehand. And some of them are way worse than others. He would be good. Who I would approve. I actually have spoken to him before online. Not in that way, in a business sense. Wow. This sounds so bad. I did slide into

his dms the the very famous stripper in australia he works for magic mike and he looks exactly like channing tatum have you seen him yeah i've seen him i when i say i spoke to him i need to clarify this because someone's going to run with it i think it was about a radio segment many many moons ago we were going to get him on he someone like him would be great because he's fun he gets it he's an actual performer like his job is to dance in front of people and make people's night feel great so if he's listening to life uncut i actually think what you just said is really interesting though because it relates to the question that this girl has written in the partner like the fiance who's mad at her he doesn't know what type of stripper you had either

but there's also a chance that he might have some anger or be upset because maybe he didn't even know there was going to be a stripper maybe he's upset that there even was a stripper that night you know like they might have had a conversation between themselves where there wasn't you know you go have your hands I'll have my box none of us have strippers and then to find out that the stripper turned up. He may have been okay with a stripper, but that doesn't mean he's okay with a stripper if she's unconscious. That's a totally different conversation. No, I'm just adding the extra level that there is a chance he might not have even known there was a stripper involved that night. Wow. There's a lot in this stripping convo, isn't there? Question number two. I have

a new baby who is three months old. And when I was pregnant, my dad's partner asked to be called grandma, which at the time I felt a bit put on the spot by, and I was like, oh, sure. After thinking about it and chatting with my partner, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with her being grandma. for context she's been with my dad since I was 18 which I think is relevant because I have never lived with her and she has had no hand in raising me to be honest we have never had a great relationship I feel like my mum and my partner's mum have done the hard yards to earn that title which she has not I also don't want to confuse my child for example if she's asking on Mother's Day why grandma doesn't get a card or present and having to explain she's not actually her grandma

so basically throughout the end of my pregnancy and having a new baby I never ended up having the convo and to be honest I'm a little bit conflict avoidant but over the weekend her and my dad met my partner's parents who were visiting from Spain and she introduced herself as grandma so my question is this is it too late for me to have that conversation I really don't want her to be called grandma or anything like that but I have I left it for too long or how would you go about having the convo should I speak with my dad about it who knows better than me and would know the best way to address it super awkward send help that is awkward it's so awkward I I feel two sorts of ways I'm always going to say you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

if you don't want someone to be in your kid's life I mean within reason you don't have to if you don't want them to be called something you don't have to like it's you your family your child the way you wanted to bring them up having said that you said she's been in your life since she were 18 and she is the partner to your dad and within family dynamics technically they are now the roles of grandparents so I understand why she's saying that especially when she's introducing herself to someone I don't think she's trying to take ownership of like I am that direct relation and the grandma to that kid I think she's more just saying her role in the family hey I'm the gran so then all of a sudden you immediately know oh okay you're the one of

the parental figures. It's super tricky, but I don't know your dynamics. So I don't know why you guys are not close. I don't know if she's a horrible person that you don't like, or, you know, you don't want three, four, five, six, seven different people taking the role of different grandparents. You definitely have left it pretty late. Like if the baby's here and she's had the conversation, she's been referring to herself as grandma. I think you've left it late. But having said that, if you're that uncomfortable, you can give her a different name. Like you can say, we prefer to use this name and make one up if you want. I think I'm the worst person to ask this question too. So sorry, but I'm going to do my best to answer it. I think I'm bad because I

am very conflict avoidant in this type of situation. And I don't think it's a big deal is what I mean. I think kids are smart enough and they put the pieces of the puzzle together well enough, especially once they're a little bit older, that they understand the placement of everyone. A name is just a name. So like in our family, we have lots of nanas and lots of granddads and we had Far. And then we have lots of, like literally three quarters of my friends are Aunty Kaya, Aunty Brittany, Aunty Keisha. My kids have so many people who in their lives have affirming names that go beyond our core family. I mean, you can do whatever you want to. And I think for people who find themselves in this situation, absolutely, if it's important to you,

you do what is best for you. But I also think it's so important to weigh up how much drama is this going to bring to your life? How is it going to affect your family? How is it going to affect your ability to be like really comfortable and at ease with that person is the juice worth the squeeze essentially because I do think that something like this seems like I think having her have the grandma title even if you call her grandma Sarah or whatever is her name so that way it's differentiates so when you introduce and you talk about her like oh it's grandma Sarah even that has the implication that she is not the exact grandma do you know what I mean I think if someone has like a name attached to it you're like oh okay that's the partner of the grandparents

but the reason why I say this is because I think having a very pointed conversation of like we don't want you to have that name is incredibly othering and what you're saying in that moment is we don't see you as a grandparent figure at all or we have an issue with you in some capacity yeah and we don't really see you as part and belonging of this family and I would add a guess say if they've been together since you're 18 you may be in your 20s or you could be in your 30s we don't know how old you are she could have been a part of your life for 10 years five years 15 years at this point and so I understand why she wants to be included in your family and I also understand why your dad may not respond to it in the best way either your dad may be like

but she is that's she's she's my partner she's my wife like she is that role so I just don't know whether it's worth it and and look I think people might disagree with this because like you said Brit you can make whatever decisions you want and you can have whatever role and set whatever example you want for your children. I just, from my experience, having kids that are like a little bit older now, I really do think kids are smart enough to work it out themselves. You know, Marley asked the question like, Hey mommy, why doesn't dad, you know, I have granddad and I have far, but why doesn't dad have a dad? And we're like, well, dad does have a dad. We just, you know, we don't see him. So you haven't met him. So they figure it out eventually. Yeah. There's

one line I don't really love, which is like, I also don't want to confuse my child. For example, if she's asking on Mother's Day why grandma doesn't get a card or present and then having to explain how she's not actually her grandma. I just think we live now in a society and with families that there is no normal. We don't live in a society anymore where there's four kids with two parents and then they have two parents and then that is it and they've all been married for 40 years and no one divorces

and no one remarries. You don't have stepsisters. Like those days are so far gone. People have two mums. People have four mums. people have multiple different families I don't think you have to say and I think you are taking credit away from your children and how intelligent they will and how their ability to adapt by saying she's not your real grandma it's so easy like you just said Laura to explain a family dynamic and

how someone fits in so I sort of feel a little bit for this grandma if you want to rescind that title from her saying you didn't earn it yeah I agree but also I mean like look I do also want to give credit to you the person who's writing it in like you know hi I understand why you feel the way you feel and I understand that it is important to you I'm not saying that your feelings are invalid I am purely coming to this from the situation of like okay is it worth the drama like is this a boundary that's that important to you that you want to set it and if it is go forth you set those boundaries it just isn't to me and so it's hard for me to like relate or empathize as deeply as what I probably would love to be able to. The last thing I want to say is just ask

yourself how involved they are going to be in their life. Are they going to love that child, respect that child and be a part of their life? Or are they someone that you see once every two years or, you know, they're not that involved? Because I think that is a big reason too. If they're always going to be around and they're going to be loving and looking after your kids, then I would say let them take the name. Move on. I know. I know. And I wonder if people disagree with that because they will yeah look it is a tricky one strap in listen to this one my partner of three years has been invited on a family overseas holiday by his ex-wife and their two young kids wait whoa so think kourtney kardashian and scott disick vibe a family holiday his ex-wife

and their two young kids so like really like hardcore co-parenting yeah great now the ex-wife is paying for his expenses as one of the kids really wants dad to be there so she sounds like she's like okay let's just do this for the kids come along because she's also taking her partner okay great so their entire family are going plus the ex-husband this has left me feeling really uncomfortable and ultimately left out is it fair to ask my partner not to go because of how i feel or should i just let him go despite the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable why can't i go with him if their partners are going why can't all of you go you've been with for three years. That's what I'd be saying. Firstly, I would like to say that it is incredibly

admirable the level to which you are co-parenting, like your partner is co-parenting, especially because his ex-wife is going with her partner. If it was the ex-wife going with the kids and she was like, I want him to come, but you can't come. I'd be like, okay, weird. But the fact that they're going as a family unit and then she's taking him as well. Look, I think that that is an incredible example to set for children. I do not think it's appropriate for you to say, I don't want you to go because I think if anything, you as the partner and also potentially playing the step-mom role in the future, like you need to do everything you can to encourage co-parenting in a way that's harmonious for those kids. Cause it's not about you. It's about what's best for those kids. And

those kids want their dad there. The only thing that I think about this is the reason why you haven't been invited is because the wife is paying. So why don't you go, okay, all bets are off. Please don't pay for us. We absolutely want to come on this trip because we really want to model this co-parenting two family dynamic and we are both going to come and we will come together. So I think if that is something that you can communicate, that's absolutely such a fair and understandable and meted option, but that requires you to financially outlay. You can't expect her to pay for him and then you just pay for yourself. Pay for the two of you and maybe you book a hotel room next door or you book a hotel room that's big enough so that the kids can

do a night with mom, a night with you. It means that you both got babysitters when you're there because one night you can have a dinner out and one night they can have a dinner out while the kids are in bed. You all stay in the same place. You all stay around and close to each other, but you financially pay for yourselves and then you can make whatever decisions you want to around this family trip. Yeah, that's the only option I see. And I don't understand why you haven't been invited. I think it's really excluding of you by everyone involved, including your partner to not have even brought that up. I'm assuming he hasn't brought it up because you haven't written in. But for him to be like, you know, I'm probably going to go and do this because they want me

there. And like, you know, their whole family's there. And you've been with him for three years. For me, that classifies as family. You are also a part of that family. So I think that the only the option here is for you to go as well or happily let him go. But I don't think you can tell him not to go. Yeah, I don't think you should tell him not to go. What I do think you can tell him is your feelings. So you can't say don't go, but you can tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable. Absolutely. You can say, hey, to be honest, this does rub me a little bit the wrong way. I totally understand why you've got to do it. And I'm really proud of you for the relationship you have with your kids. But I'd be lying if I didn't say it makes me feel a bit strange that

I wasn't invited or that you'll all be there doing this together without me. For sure, make your feelings known. You deserve that. That's what being in a relationship is. But yeah, you can't say don't go. No, I absolutely agree. He may not think you want to go. Like he may think this is such a weird situation. You don't want to be there. Do you and the ex-wife get on? Like, are you guys friendly? Whatever that situation is, is obviously going to be very personal to your specific situation but I think ultimately the only thing I keep coming back to is just it's really really cool that there are men out there and parents out there who so deeply want to co-parent and put their own discomfort above what their children want and what their children need and that's

seeing two people who can go through divorce separate and still amicably come together and spend time in the same place in support of their kids like that's something that is incredible so i definitely don't want to give the advice of like no he shouldn't go like you know he's being an asshole because i don't think he's being an asshole i think he's trying to navigate what is a really uncomfortable situation potentially anyway guys that is it from us if you have a question for ask uncut slide on into the dms send us your big old query and we will do our best to answer them on next week's episode you can also follow or watch us on youtube because we're putting all the episodes up there as well the youtube is actually insane i love watching it

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