Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - A guide to flirting

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Hey Lifers, If you're looking for the link to vote for the Australian podcast awards LOOK NO FURTHER! (Click this link) Welcome to flirt school. Here you'll learn what to do, and quite likely exactly what not to do. How much is too much eye contact? Have you tried breaking that eye contact and taking your gaze to a forehead? We unpack... Things start off today with some plant talk and it's no stretch to say that Laura is not quite on the path to being a green thumbed goddess. Hopefully the plants can be rescued from the compost. Vibes/unsubscribes for the week: Britt - Halty style of dog leadLaura - Netflix Live to 100. Secrets of Blue ZonesKeeshia - Unsubscribing from people using descriptive words in second hand adsBen - Mark Manson documentary on Apple TV Then we jump into your deep, dark and dirty questions: I’m currently on maternity leave so I’m home a lot. We have a security camera at our front door that my fiancé and I get notifications for when someone’s there. However my fiancé is obsessed with looking at it every time it goes off, literally EVERY time.. so it feels like I’m sort of being watched with whatever I do.I made a comment a while ago that it makes me feel a bit weird and it’s giving controlling vibes and he was apologetic and said it was absolutely not his intention, he said he will stop looking at it, and he stopped commenting on every time a notification went off. But now he’s doing it again. Is this normal?! Last night at dinner my partner told me he had masturbated the night before as he was in the mood but I had fallen asleep. He always watches porn if he’s going to masturbate- which I’m totally fine with. However, my question is: is it weird for your partner to masterbate while watching porn, when I’m in bed next to him sleeping?? I find it a little strange and weird knowing he was getting off to some porn while I was right there next to him. Not because it wasn’t me he was getting off to, just the fact he had to do it while I’m there sleeping.  One of my absolute pet peeves is not receiving a thank you for my generosity. I’ve given them gifts, home cooked meals and heartfelt cards. I’ve previously travelled interstate for a wedding and contributed to the wishing well. Some of them I don’t even receive a thank you from unless I bring it up.Am I being unreasonable? GET TICKETS TO OUR LIVE SHOW HERE  If you have a question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollongong land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. It's Thursday. How are you, Brittany?

It just boggles me. Hang on, I'm going to lean over as we speak to turn my mic up. It boggles me that we've been doing this for four years and it still takes us so long to set up what we want, like the mic, the levels and everything. It's never going to change. You seem like you're shocked by this, but I would have thought that after four years

you would have just become used to the fact that we still are chaos. I am shocked because four years is a degree. We could have done a degree in this and we still can't figure out the bloody knobs. if only we had spent more time being productive in our life not talking about breakups and shit how are you i'm great because it's almost holla bay time for me holla bay one of us is holla bay because you're going to see ben and therefore it's a holiday but with bay yeah i call it holla bay and actually you'll vomit in your mouth say to each other

he's like can't wait for holla bay regular brit is fine maybe regular ben is not fine No, because I've seen regular Ben. Ben's pretty chill. He's great actually. He's so chill. But I read something today that was concerning actually. I read something in like one of those psychology todays. It's like if you have more than two orgasms a day,

you're like a psychopath or something. There was something that was – and I was like, holy shit. Do they know what Hollabay breed is? She's a psychopath. You're allowed to have five orgasms a day when you're visiting your long-distance boyfriend. That's like any honeymoon period, right? Well, that's why I was concerned.

Is Hollabay breed a psychopath? Dude, no. yeah probably maybe but also who's maintaining who is maintaining a two orgasm a day average throughout a long-term relationship or like their whole life like consistently twice a day also because twice a day is probably not going to be in quick succession so it's probably gonna be like once in the morning once at night i don't think it's like bang bang which it doesn't mean you have to be having sex like when we say orgasm you're doing this to yourself like this is all on you we have a really good ask on cut surrounding that today actually but we'll get into the light

Okay. All right. Well, before we get into answering all your deep, your dark and your burning questions, you know, the reason why you came here, we'll do what we do every week, which is talk for way too long. First, I have something I need to tell you. I have been duped. I got duped. I got tricked. Okay. This is okay. I'm that person. You know, those people where they're like, Hey, you'll never guess what happened. I'm the person that actually tries to guess. I got scammed. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what you would have got duped or scammed on. Not a regular scam. Not an Australia post. Hey, click the link and add your details. And then I take all your money.

No, not a scam like that. So, okay, recently I moved into a new house. Now, the thing that I was like, it's beautiful, was the garden. It is. It's a magical fairyland. It's a magical fairyland. In the girls' imagination, that is like the faraway tree. Remember it?

The faraway tree? No. Roald Dahl? Classic. You've never read it? Roald Dahl. Yeah, Roald Dahl. Is it Roald or is it Roal?

No, Roald Dahl. I think it's Roald Dahl. Whatever. The faraway tree. How did you not read it? Dick and Fanny. What the fuck are you talking about? Their names were – I can't believe you didn't read it.

The Magical Fireway Tree. Hang on. The characters' names are Dick and Fanny. I'm sorry. And Moonface and Saucepan Head. People know. If Roald Dahl wrote a book and the main fucking characters were Dick and Fanny, that guy has some issues.

What was he thinking? No, because Dick and Fanny were names back then. Fanny was a common name. They may have been names back then, but he knew what he was doing. Oh, Enid Blyton wasn't a Roald Dahl. Enid Blyton. She was a great kids book. Sorry, Roald Dahl.

He didn't write about Dick and Fanny. But Enid was a sicko. Enid went on to write some adult romance novels after Dick and Fanny. It is actually a really great book for you to read the kids. If you haven't read it, it is so magical. So I'm pretty sure this could be wrong. I'm pretty sure they've had to change names. They've changed names now like as adults and they've re-

Oh, hang on. Producer Kish has found something. The main characters are Joe, Bessie and Fanny, but it's been updated to Franny. Do you know that's really sad that you can't even have a name in a book called Franny because it was a name. Okay, the story is so the garden is so pretty and I am terrible with plants but this is my new passion.

It's keeping plants alive. Having luxurious, blossoming, beautiful, healthy plants It is my new hobby. I'm going to be one of those old people that love to garden and I'm okay with that. But then I went out into the garden to do my gardening, to do some weeding. Cause that's what I do on a weekend. And the plants in the back of the garden along the whole side of the fence are dying. And I was like, what is going on? And every week they're slightly like they're dying more. It's getting worse and worse. And I was like, maybe they need some water. So I did that. And I was like, maybe they need some fertilizer. So he did that anyway. They're now pretty much

dead. And I was like, okay, I might just pull one out and see what's going on. They're not real trees. They're just sticks. The guy who owned the house. What do you mean? He'd cut, he'd basically gone and gotten all these yuckers and just cut the yuckers. So it was just the branch of the yucker and he'd stuck the branch in the ground to make it look like it. No, no, Laura, that's how you grow yuccas don't pull them out they're dead no you just cut the stem and put the yucca in they're all dead all of them no you didn't get that's how you plant yuccas but they're not growing they're just dying you can cut a stem off the yucca and re-put it in the ground that's absolutely how you grow them but they're all dead they haven't grown roots

that's not from the guy he didn't jupe you and that's it i promise you that's how you can grow okay well anyway nice you're like I got doubly duped I duped myself when I said that gardening's my new passion I don't know anything about it though like I know it's just started anyway we have lots of things to talk about today I came across an article which I wanted to talk to you about and the reason why is because Brit I feel out of everybody who participates in Life Uncut there's three of us and Mitch Turi you are the best flirter I think you know what an accolade you know how to flirt better than anyone I am an awkward flirter I am a terrible terrible flirt I never ever got better at it I don't think which is surprising that I

managed to find a husband who stayed around I think he was like well he was locked in a mansion he didn't choose to stay around you all locked there for three months you're endearingly terrible at this yeah but he kept me around you wore him down I did I did yeah but you Brit are very good at it anyway so this is an article that's been written by a 35 year old bisexual bartender so she's skilled at flirting with both sexes. Now she's written out the steps of what she thinks are the most important parts of what makes someone a good flirt. Number one, don't give your life story. I feel like I always give a little bit too much. I usually end up talking about my exes on a first date, which is not recommended. It's like the number one golden

rule. Just a little bit. I just talk about them a little bit. It makes people feel comfortable. No, it doesn't. It's like, why is she on a date with me talking about her ex? Okay, from this moment forward, as a listener, you listen to me and not Laura Byrne. Okay, at what point in dating would you talk about an ex on a date? If and only if they ask you about it and you give them a little bit and you don't make it emotional. Very factual. The last person I dated was probably six months ago.

It didn't end well though. Like that's a whole nother story. And then it's a couple of dates away. You do not sit there for the rest of the date and fucking spill your trauma about what happened. Trauma dumping is not a good idea. And then this one time we had been out and then we got into a really big fight and like no. No, you don't want to go into the details, the nitty-gritty,

but you give big picture things, no? Okay. I do not go on a first date and say I'm going to have the Sydney rock oysters please. And then you see he had this double life and I didn't know about it. You don't do that. Okay. Obviously this is an easy one.

Eye contact really works but make it subtle. Don't be the pervert. I'm good at this. Eye contact, I think there is a fine line. There's a fine line between sexy and creep. That fine line sits somewhere in the fact that, one, you have to already be slightly attracted to the person. Like if you're not attracted to the person and they're making intense

eye contact with you, it is very off-putting. Stop trying to make eye contact with me now. Did you just see what I did there? You were like this. I just did it. I just did it while you're talking. I flirted with you in my eyes. You do this little like eyelid raise, a little eyebrow.

It's not eyebrow. It's just a little. And you know what you do? You've got to describe it. I'm going to do it to you now. It's not a visual medium. You look at the eyes for a minute and then you do a little smile and then you glance down to the lips and then you look back up to the eyes.

It is how you do it. No, that's the thing. So men particularly respond really well when you've subtly glanced at their lips. That's actually, that's from floating school. So there is this thing which is like, let's talk about the golden triangle. That I definitely did not attend. The golden triangle of the face. Yeah.

The golden triangle of your face is your eyes, your nose, your mouth. And you're meant to just go between those three zones. so you flick between looking into their eyes i mean do you which because you have to go between both look at the mouth look at the nose look at the mouth look at the eyes look at the nose don't just a couple of glances to the lips but that's the key and a little smirk like i was flirting with you before i said it and i could tell you i was like i know what you're doing right now you fucking creep and then conversely to that to make someone feel really awkward you look at their forehead did you know that so when you're talking to someone if you look over their forehead they

immediately think that something's wrong. Really? Yeah. Because no one looks up at the forehead. It makes you think that you've got something on there. So if you want to make someone feel awkward, you look up at their forehead. So maybe if you want to do the anti-flirt, you stare at someone's forehead and definitely don't look at their mouth. And then obviously this is very, I mean, I feel like if you're getting positive affirmations from the eye contact and the mouth and the up and down and the golden triangle, try some light touching, try some light touching, touch their knee, touch their arm, places that are consensually okay. don't grope them yet I'm big on that one but I could probably give away too much when I'm not

interested because my like love language is physical touch but I do that with my friends even like I'm quite a if someone's close to me I will laugh and touch their leg even if it's a friend or whatever like I'm quite physical but a little touch goes a long way and particularly I think the leg or you know that like like cliche laugh if you lean into them and laugh and just put your hand on their arm I think that works as well look I think that how much you're loving this this is such like your area of expertise I did this for 10 years I'm like and successfully the girl honed her skills I know these are very obvious ones don't get too drunk on a first date or if you like someone also offer to pay even if it's like you know I know that sometimes we

when we've spoken about who pays on a first date and like the gender norms but I actually do think it goes a long way as a female to kind of flip it and offer to pay for a drink or something obviously you don't have to pick up the whole tab but I do think it shows a level of investment and interest if you at least offer to pay for their tab I'm big on this but because I get quite awkward with money I always have been I'll often pay at the beginning or I will at least be offering and it's not an offer it's not like a throwaway offer I genuinely want to Ben the weekend that I met Ben we all know we spent this lovely weekend together I bought the first dinner because it was just takeaway right like he was coming to my house and I just ordered in so like standard I paid for it

yeah but also the guy was coming over for a one night stand you bought him a chicken schnitzel okay hang on what I probably haven't told you guys is I hadn't met Ben yet I sent Ben when he was in the uber to my house and I'd never met him to have sex I sent him the menu of a restaurant I was going to order from and I said pick what you want I'm going to pre-order some food I had to give him some sustenance because I thought we're up for a big night so he had the menu as well but I paid for that dinner and then the next day we went and got some coffees and stuff and I just ordered for him and paid. And he mentioned that later down the track, he didn't want me to. And I was like, just let me like, you're at my house. Let me pay. And he mentioned, he's like, I remember

you paying for that is what I'm saying. So he's like, it actually goes a long way. You don't have to go over the top, but like a coffee and a cake or whatever, like the little things I think sometimes really last. I think it's the gesture, just not the expectation is the bigger thing. Like I think often, you know, people will offer back and that's fine and you can take them up on it, but I think the gesture of offering and being okay with paying, if you know, if they say that turns out to be the case, but it's that gesture rather than the expectation that I think is important. Now, one thing that is not listed on this, and I would love to get your opinion on negging. And then the reason why I bring up negging is because I think it has very negative

connotations, i.e. negging, negative. So the idea that like, if you like someone, you will be a little bit sarcastic or a little bit like make fun of almost as a way of flirting. The reason why I think that this is a tricky one to kind of, you know, navigate is because we have been told, and I think when you grow up, when you're a kid that that whole rhetoric of like a boy is mean to you because they like you. And then we have over-corrected that nobody should ever nag because, you know, you don't want to reinforce this idea that when people are mean to you, it's because they like you. But I think that there is a very healthy, very fine line where a little bit of sarcasm is acceptable and a little bit of flirtatious banter is fine. However,

everybody's line is very, very different and you have to be careful to tread lightly to figure out where that person's boundaries are because the minute that you overstep someone's comfort zone when it comes to negging and you're actually just a bit mean or critical, that's when you've instantly gone too far and it's a fucking turn off and a red flag. I agree. I think a little bit of this lighthearted sarcastic banter is perfect and I mean like that's inherently like I flirt with humor more than anything that's who I am and how I am but I just think it can't be too personal you're right there is a line that you can't cross and I think it can't be too personal because it could very much hit a sore point with people but fuck yeah I want someone to make fun of me as long

as it's not like really wildly offensive it also comes from a level of trust I remember so when it when Matt and I first started dating. It was like the first week that we'd been thrown out of the whirlwind of The Bachelor and we were like properly together. And I remember making a joke about something. And to me, it was a joke. Like it was me nagging him and he was so offended. And it wasn't in context now. Like if I was to make the same joke, he would not care because he knows me and there's a safety there. But I do think you have to be very, very careful with it because the line is so fine and for a lot of people I would say that you know making fun of or making humor around someone else's expense is not funny so I think you tread a very fine line but if you

can find someone who has a similar sense of humor and you know can do it in a way where it's also self-deprecating it's not just making fun of or putting down then that's where the difference is but I think because we have you know the conversations around people being mean and that being a reflection of them liking you is such a dangerous notion that I think we have overcorrected like I said do you remember a couple years ago I don't know I guess two years ago this makes me sound like a wanker but I'm gonna say it because I think it's funny I went on this one date with this person from Hollywood like it's a he's a movie star and he was in Australia filming a movie and I've never said who it is I'm never gonna say who it is I'll just say it no because

it'll make headlines guys just look up Daily Mail and you'll figure it out they got papped together No, no, not him. You've even forgotten. You'll remember when I tell you. He took me to this amazing restaurant in the city. And then we'll go into this big party afterwards that had like some fancy people there. And I was just like, you know what, this is just a random once in a lifetime thing. I'm going to go with it. But this guy was like being really lovely to me. Really. I was like, and he's around for a while. He wanted to keep seeing me while he was here. Anyway, the date had been going for about six hours by this point. We're outside on the balcony him and he was trying to flirt and he said to me you've just got such a masculine energy

and I was like sorry he's like just something about you so manly and I was like did he mean that as a compliment yes he was trying to sleep with me and I was like I'm so I was like oh that that's quite offensive and he's like no it's hot and I was like oh one of us is confused here he's like i can't put my finger on it something about you so masculine anyway of course i slept with him then he did me doggy for two hours but i was like i'm so confused by your idea of flirting i remember because i was offended i was so offended because for me i didn't want i was trying to be who i was i was trying to be i'm feminine that's what i thought but he just kept telling me how masculine i was because i

and then he was like you're so strong and I was like what are you talking about I also think that it's problematic that we see in terms of like beauty standards and like how we as women feel attractive that like obviously I wouldn't use the word masculine to describe a woman it was the wrong word it's the wrong word but I do think this idea of like that you need to be a pretty little tiny feminine is well I'm not that I get that and it also shouldn't be the only beauty standard that's attainable or that we're driving for totally but he went on to talk about my quads and, like, it was quite a thing. He was calling you strong and athletic.

He did call me. Yeah, but, like, the wrong – I could tell what he was trying to say. He meant athletic, but he said masculine. Yes, absolutely, and I think that was where it went wrong. Anyway, I just remember saying – and I think I gave him a lesson that night. I remember saying to him, just so you know moving forward in your life, I know what you're trying to do, but this isn't it.

And he was like, oh, really? And I'm like, no. I was like, never say this to someone again. You're like, just look in my eyes and then look at the mouth and look back up. Just look at the triangle, buddy. Feed me and look at the triangle. Okay. All right. Well, look, with all that out of the way, I hope that somebody learned something about flirting from that. Oh, I don't think anyone learned anything. Get into our vibes and unsubscribe. Okay. My vibe this week, if you follow me

on Instagram, this is not going to surprise you. I am so blown away and I can't believe I didn't do this two years ago. I've spoken a lot about my dog, Delilah, and how she's amazing, but she can't walk properly on a lead. She's never been able to. I sent her to military school for three weeks to learn to walk. Didn't work. I have sent her to dog trainers locally in the day. Didn't work. I have done everything I can. I've tried no pull harnesses. I've tried everything. She's just a maniac. She wants to run around. She wants to say hello to everyone. She wants to run to the park. She walks me. And I finally gave in to the halty. So many people had recommended to me, try the halty, try this. It's the walking lead that goes over their snout, around their head

and clips to their collar I thought it was restricting their snout like I thought it was almost like a muzzle but it's not at all it doesn't stop anything the dog's exactly the same they chase balls they eat they drink they it doesn't restrict anything it's just that it's more like you know a horse when you're training a horse do you know what I mean how that goes over their snout yeah yeah it's exactly the same for a dog anyway I finally got her one this week I put it on disaster at the start she was jumping around like a maniac she was trying to scratch it off rolling on the ground scraping against walls but I stuck with it and I had treats and I really worked on it and it literally took one hour and she is the best dog I have ever seen I did not

if you told me that you could put this on her an hour later she'll walk immaculately I would have called bullshit but it is wild this is not sponsored I had so many people writing to me I've never had so many responses to stories being like was this really only an hour later where do you get this. It's literally Holti. I don't think he's the brand. I think it's the style. Get it from anywhere. I went to a pet store. I just went to Pet Barn or something and picked one up. So is this meant to be like she only will walk better when she's wearing it or is it meant to be a training mechanism or she always has to wear it now? Well, different. So it's just a lead. You could wear it every day forever and it doesn't do anything to them. It's just a type

of lead. But also a lot of dogs might walk on it for a year or so and then they just learn to walk beside you. And then that's how they do it. My next question is, do they mate them in children's eyes. Absolutely. You can muzzle your child. So that is my 100% probably the best recommendation, best vibe I'm ever going to have. Okay. Well, I have a Netflix recommendation this week, even though I said last week that I don't have a TV. The irony in that is that last week I recommended not having a TV. And then the day, the day that we recorded that, I walked in the door to a big TV that Matt had just bought and it had been delivered. So we now have a TV. It was nice while it lasted. I do recommend still trying to minimize TV time, which we are doing,

and it's been like so much better. The kids are not watching TV and they are not on iPads, and it has definitely changed our lives. But I am back on TV and I watched, it's a series that's on Netflix. It is called Live to 100 Secrets of the Blue Zone. I've started watching it. I'm a couple of episodes into it. It is so interesting. So it's around these blue zones throughout the world and it's things that these communities are doing, which mean that they have a high population of centurions. So people who have lived to over a century within their communities. Japan is one, isn't it? There's one in Japan. There's one in Sardinia. Now, the thing that's so interesting about this

is that these communities who have these high populations of people who are over a hundred, it's not people who are living and they are a hundred and they are elderly and unwell. And what we see in Western society, when we associate old age, they are thriving. They have no levels of dementia or Alzheimer's. They're not living in nursing homes. They're living within their own communities. And it talks about the things that are important within those communities that have contributed to their longevity. And I guess what I love so much about it is that in Western society, we talk so much about diet, exercise, and when people are elderly, we shun them away. We talk about elderly as though they're a burden. And that comes from both sides. It comes from

people who are old saying, I don't want to be a burden to my family, so I'll go into a home. And it also comes from people saying, well, you know, we can't take care of them at home anymore, so we had to put them in a home. And that is very much the normal within our society. The thing that's different about these communities is that there are no nursing homes. And so the elderly are cared for within the home structure. And I guess it pertains to this idea that community is so important in giving people purpose, in still having a job, in not retiring. another thing that was really beautiful about it that so many of the communities they were gardening still hence why I'm into my gardening now guys it also helped with longevity and I just think it's

a really beautifully put together documentary and docu-series and I think it's so interesting because so many of us would love to know the secret what it is to live longer and these are the communities across the world that have figured out the secret sauce producer Keisha and I were actually talking about it and you had the same vibe yeah I did I was absolutely obsessed with this. As you guys know, I'm on my wellness journey, sleep journey. They did speak about sleep in this. Sleep is important. Said it was important. But some other things that I thought were really interesting is like, obviously, like you said, diet was a part of it, but I expected that things like altitude, I guess what I thought was so interesting was that these places all had

such different physical locations. So different altitudes, different types of terrain and the sense of purpose that you're speaking about and that social connection, I really love that we have kind of traditionally thought about that as like a psychological thing, but studies on these people who are living to such long lengths of time are showing that social connection actually has a physiological impact on your body. And I think that while we've kind of been quite obsessed with what you put into your body in terms of nutrition and the exercise that you do, I think that social connection being equally as important, if not more, is so incredibly interesting because I think in Western worlds, we don't have that in our culture. Yeah. And also this idea of like

mastery, you know, like being like really skilled at a job. You know, I think we celebrate in Western culture, this idea of like retirement, get to 70 and retire. Whereas all of these societies that had these centurions in them, they all were working up until the day that they dropped dead. You know, they're working throughout their old age because it keeps them going. It keeps their brains active. Yeah, but I don't want to work till I drop dead. Fuck, like I want to be living my best life.

But they're working on things that they love, on things that they get joy from, you know, not like they're not slogging it out, like digging holes and stuff, you know, building wells and things. You know, and I guess there was also this idea that usually when you're wealthy that wealthy people have the ability to live longer because they have access to healthcare systems and everything else. but some of these communities that they looked into were actually some really poor communities but had some really incredible lifespans and it was all around as you said keisha this sense of

purpose and this sense of community yeah i loved it so it's on netflix it's called live to 100 secrets of the blue zone i think it's four episodes yeah right yeah i really enjoyed it too i haven't unsubscribed for this week okay what are you hating i am hating on people who list things on things like facebook marketplace i assume gumtree would be the same but i don't use that with descriptions of the item that include words like stunning beautiful so like descriptive words I like descriptive words well it will be an example of like let's say it was a I've got a denim dress on right now so let's say I wanted to go and sell this dress later this afternoon if I were to post it being like stunning denim dress gorgeous buttons I would

I would buy a stunning denim dress over a denim dress any day. Keish, I feel like, do you remember when we talked about the 1% better and yours was patience? I think that this might be linking into that. I'm looking at it and I'm like, stop trying to sell it to me. They are trying to sell it to you. It's on Facebook Marketplace. They're trying to sell you the dress.

It puts me off so much. If it was that stunning, you'd be keeping it. If the buttons were that gorgeous, you wouldn't want to be letting them go from your wardrobe, okay? So stop trying to convince me of this item that you no longer see value in. I reckon producer Keisha needs to go back and re-listen to the episode we did with Steve Bartlett and rethink about her 1%. I'm all about this recycling, reusing.

I sell and buy a lot of stuff secondhand, but I don't want you to try and convince me of its value by using descriptive words. Okay. Keisha just doesn't like the hard sell. That's all it is. Yeah. before we get into the questions we do want to just very gently remind you and aggressively but that it's the it's that time of year again the australian podcast awards now for us the

podcasting world this is the oscar this is the logies this is like the award that gives you the warm fuzzy feeling the tingling downstairs this is the one that means the most to us and that's actually just so important for us as individuals and as a team. I mean, when you say it's like the Logies, if you've ever been to the Australian Podcast Awards, it's kind of like... The Kmart Logies. Yeah, it's like the Kmart Logies. The Aldi Logies. It's the sizzler of the Logies, but it's delicious and we are very much looking forward to it. I mean, last year, I remember I posted some videos of the Podcast Awards last year and someone was like, is this a bad school? Hall recital. Yes. It was like an estet fit.

but okay I know that it looks corny and I know it is even corny being like it's the podcast awards but this is so like for our little weed industry where we sit in rooms and record you know together it is so important to us and we are so incredibly grateful for the last couple of years where you guys have gotten behind life uncut you have given us your vote for the listeners choice award and now there are so many awards at the podcast you know and we never ever ever even get nominated in the sex and relationships even though we started off as a sex and relationships we never get nominated no we never make it into our category but you guys have always come through with the goods and you have been so incredible in voting us for the listeners choice so so we can

actually like have a chance so yeah and and it's the one that we care about it's the one that matters because it's basically you saying that you know you choose the podcast that you listen to and that you've loved coming along the life and cut journey well so a lot of the so you guys understand like a lot of the other awards because there are so many different awards and categories but they're all voted by industry professionals this listeners choice award is the only award that is voted by i don't want to say the people that matter but the people that listen you guys you guys are the consuming podcast you're the ones that are saying you know we absolutely love your podcast and it it would mean so much to us does it sound like we're begging yes are we begging yes it would

mean so much to us if you could vote and it's super easy you just go to the australian podcast awards website and it will say who do you want to vote for listeners choice you type in life uncut and then you just have to make sure you verify that in your email so it'll send you an email and say did you really mean to vote for life uncut yeah say yes it's got an annoying little last step that you have to do but like look if you've got burner accounts you can vote for us from multiple accounts we won't tell anyone university accounts like any account but the one thing i do want to say is i know that when we started this podcast we started recording this in my bedroom. You know, Marley was a newborn baby. She was under the table. Brit was in her scrubs.

She was under the table. That sounds so bad. She was literally under the table in a bouncer or strapped to me. You were coming in in your scrubs. I would be on a 12 hour hospital shift. Laura's got the baby strapped to a titty and we were still just trying to put this out just because we loved it. Yeah. And we've been through this like incredible journey, but you know, four years on, I think some people think that four years on we had this massive team around us. And that now, because we do the radio show that we are like well into the radio world in terms of podcasting.

We are not. I just want everyone to know that our entire Life Uncut team is Britt, myself and Keisha. That is it. We create this podcast. We put all the content together. Keisha edits every episode. I do second edit of everything.

We all book in guests. Like this whole podcast is run by the three of us. There is no commercial backing in terms of the creation of the podcast. And if you do and you feel as though you would like to go give us a vote or you've ever listened to an episode that's meant something to you or touched you in some way we would be so so grateful please link in bio let's get into answering your questions okay question number one I am currently on maternity leave so I'm home a lot we have a

security camera at our front door that myself and my fiance get notifications for when someone's there however my fiance is obsessed with looking at it every time it goes off literally every time so it feels like I'm sort of being watched with whatever I do and he'll text me if someone comes over or if I leave the house. I made a comment a while ago that it makes me feel a bit weird and it's giving controlling vibes and he was apologetic and said it was absolutely not his intention. He said he will stop looking at it and he stopped commenting on every time a notification went off but now he's doing it again. Is this normal? Is this just a modern technology thing or does it sound a bit controlling he shouldn't have to look at it for security reasons if i'm home

wait so it's for packages and stuff like when the doorbell goes yeah it's a doorbell thing so what he's doing is he's seeing someone or something arrive he gets a notification and he goes to check out just who it is that's coming to her place i mean to be fair if i had something like that set up and my sister does so that's why i'm kind of like i can empathize you get sent a notification to your phone so if i was being sent a notification to my phone saying someone is at your door, I'm going to look at who's at my door. Like, you know, I'm going to be curious and I'm not doing that because I'm checking in on Matt. I'm doing it because I'm like, Ooh, my phone told me someone's at my door. It's like getting an Instagram notification where I'm like, Ooh,

I'm going to check who's, you know, on my Instagram commenting on something. I think the big thing to check, I mean, before you kind of categorize this as being controlling, I think that this is actually potentially just him being way too reactive to technology. Like, you know, he's like got, he's got a little notification that's come up. He's checking what's happening, even though you're there and he doesn't need to be doing it. I guess the thing is, is, is he controlling in other ways? Are there other things that he's doing? Cause this in isolation is not a red flag to me, but if he is doing other things and you have been together for, you know, any length of time and there have been other red flags along the way,

then I would think that a bigger picture might paint a controlling narrative. Whereas this in isolation I think that this is just like curiosity got the cat I completely agree it's what's going hand in hand with this behavior if there's a lot of other behavior where have you been put your location services on your phone report back to me yeah make sure you answer your phone when I'm calling or text messaging you but if he's if there's none of that and he's just being reactive it's like it's like holding a red flag in front of a bull and being like don't look of course they're gonna look so we can't answer the rest of that is it just weird if he gets a notification and checks who's there no especially when at the end of the day he's thinking okay my

fiance and my newborn baby is at home alone and there are people turning up i'm just going to check in what's the other behavior that he's displaying if that is concerning then they're red flags yeah or maybe he's just put so much stuff off iconic lately and he's like oh god the delivery driver's coming again she's going to know that i've been buying all these pairs no i think it's the opposite i think she's at home buying from the iconic and he's like what are you ordering again yeah maybe but like okay I do think that and the reason why I don't feel alarmed by this is because I know like I watch my sister do it every day at work like whenever we're in the Tony May office she'll get a little notification she'll be like oh something I can

see the camera at home someone's dropping off a package or someone's doing this like she will always check and her husband works from home so I don't see that as her being controlling of him but like we just said it paints a greater picture if there are other factors at play here I guess the one thing you could do is tell him to turn notifications off because push notifications are an opt-in thing right so if you're at home you don't want him to be checking in it's unnecessary for him to do so just tell him to change the settings on his phone and then it won't be as tempting for him to like look at the cameras every time someone comes to your front door yeah i just don't have a camera yeah i understand why people have it now people have dash cams they

have cameras on their front door people have cameras everywhere i don't yeah i mean i do if you're listening cameras everywhere back door front door dash cam britney always has her house fully locked up tight too on the ceiling all about the safety okay anyway question number two last night at dinner my partner told me he had masturbated the night before as he was in the mood but i had fallen asleep he always watches porn if he's going to masturbate which i'm totally fine with however my question is this is it weird for your partner to masturbate while watching porn when you're in bed next to them sleeping. I find it a little strange and weird knowing he was getting off to some porn

while I was right there next to him. Not because it wasn't me he was getting off to, just the fact that he did it while I was there asleep. As I tried to explain this to him, he couldn't understand why I thought it was weird. I mean, it's not ideal, is it? It's not ideal for him to be jacking off in the bed while you're asleep. But he obviously just didn't want to wake you up.

He's obviously horny. You've gone to sleep. maybe he was trying to be considerate by not quote unquote poking the bear should he have gotten up and gone to the shower probably yeah or like the spare room or any other room but I think he's probably just didn't think it through and was probably lazy I think this is a very big gray area because I reckon this is going to cover the full spectrum there are going to be people who don't care and there are going to be people who would be really weirded out by this and really really really think it's not appropriate across a relationship boundary that's how I kind of see

this. I think that the scope is so great. I want to start by saying, we have answered a question similar before where the question was, is it okay for my partner to masturbate without me knowing? Firstly, I think it is totally fine for you to masturbate without telling your partner. If you, if you're horny, you can do whatever you want in your own time, wherever you want in your house. But I think the issue is here. I would say that there would be a lot of people who would not feel comfortable by their partner watching porn and masturbating next to them. And I think it's the fact you being asleep means that you are not actively consenting to that happening. Even though it is his bed, even though he didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure, even though it wasn't predatory

or any of those other things, if it made you feel uncomfortable and you were literally unconscious, then I think when you verbalize that you think it's weird, he shouldn't be saying it's not weird. He shouldn't be like gaslighting you and saying, it's not weird. You should be fine with this. I think that the correct response to this should have been, oh, I didn't realise it would make you feel uncomfortable. I won't do it next to you again. I'll go into another room. And I think that for me, it's his response that makes me feel more frustrated rather

than it happening as a once off and maybe that being a misunderstanding or an assumption that you would be fine with it. Yeah, look, I don't think in all honesty, I don't think it's that weird in terms of I'd probably be OK with it, but I think it's a very personal thing in a relationship. Because I put the shoe on the other foot and I think, okay, if my partner's in bed asleep, I've gotten home from work, like whatever, I get into bed, I'm horny, would I touch myself or would I say I can't touch myself because he's asleep?

And I'd probably touch myself but I wouldn't see that as offensive as what you're saying, Laura, where it's like he's jacking off next to you asleep. So I'm trying to put it in that sense but it's unique to every situation. What are your boundaries in your relationship? Whether or not he thinks it's weird, he does have to accept that you've said you feel uncomfortable by it. So he doesn't have to be uncomfortable by it,

but you've said you're uncomfortable and he needs to accept that and you probably need to have a conversation. If he does this again, it's going to cause some serious problems. What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and Ben was watching porn and furiously masturbating in bed next to you? Does it have to be furiously? Furiously. I'd probably join in.

I'd probably join in. Yeah, okay. It wouldn't be as big of a thing for me. I'd probably be like, why didn't you wake me? but we're still also in the throes of the early relationship you know i think it's different when it's you're sleep deprived there's kids you've been together a long time you don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night to have sex yeah and i guess that's why i say like the spectrum to this is going to be so big because there will be people who would be completely fine with it

and there would be people who will listen to this who we think it is a total betrayal and a boundary well there are people that don't even like their partner masturbating at all so of course that's yeah but i think it's the issue here and the reason why that this person feels so weird about it is because it's the not knowing it's the waking up the next day and them just so casually saying that this happened next to them while they were unconscious that's like yeah it's pretty fucking weird if i found out that matt of a night time was masturbating next to me watching porn i think i'd be a bit weirded out by it why not because i have an issue with him watching porn and not because i have an issue with him masturbating but i think it would be because it was within my personal space

and i wasn't conscious of it what if he was just like oh babe i was just so cold and i didn't want to get up go downstairs to the bathroom you lazy bastard i don't know i also think just don't wake me up with the sound of porn either i think it's disrespectful i think he's prioritizing his comfort and his like laziness and his you know want to not have to get out of bed or go downstairs or whatever go into another room so he's just like oh i'll get away with it and you won't know because you're asleep no he doesn't think it's he doesn't think he's getting away with anything doesn't think it's a problem he told her about the next day like he's not sneaking around and thinking like he's not getting off on the fact he's sneaking around he was like by the way i

masturbated last night i don't think he thinks he's done anything wrong it's not necessarily anything wrong but at the end of the day you don't feel comfortable with it so that's just what you need to tell him and for the future if he wants to masturbate while you're asleep he needs to get up yeah go somewhere else i'd be interested to know what people's opinions are on this as to and i think if we did a poll i think the votes would be very interesting to see who would be okay with it and who wouldn't be but i do agree with you brit i think him telling you like point blank that that's what he did then that suggests he does not even think that it is remotely wrong but at the end of the day the big conversation here around which there is a

conversation around consent here you can't consent if you're unconscious and it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship any sort of sexual relations should not just be assumed because you're in a relationship and i think if you're the one saying to him that you find it weird it's not really his position to turn around and tell you it's not and i think that that's where the bigger conversation in this is but I would love to know how everybody else listening to this feels and what they would do if that was their relationship well I remember I can't remember how long ago it was would have been a year ago plus we did a poll on just masturbation in general like are you happy with your partner masturbating or does that make you upset to think that they've

masturbated in the day without you when you're at work and I was actually surprised how many people didn't want their partner masturbating without them I found that really surprising so I think this poll would probably lean similar to that. Yeah, no. And I think our response to that was that that's problematic. Like we shouldn't be putting restrictions and rules on our partner's bodies and trying to dictate how they pleasure themselves. I mean, like there's already enough rules. Like we're allowed to have autonomy over our own body and our pleasure. It's only unless they're masturbating instead of having any intimacy with you. Like if you know they're masturbating all day and then they don't want to touch you or have a connection or have sex with

you and it's causing a problem, that's when it's the problem. But if they're just masturbating and and you still get everything you need. I think that's fine. Yeah, but I reckon that there's people who have an issue with it because there's like almost like a form of jealousy. There are people who have an issue with their partners masturbating because they feel like it then infers that they're not good enough or they're not doing a good enough job.

It's taken as a personal criticism, which I think if that's how you feel about your partner masturbating, then I think we need to reframe how we see it because like I think it's an important part of a healthy relationship. You don't want to have to always be available for sex and sometimes you just need to service yourself. 100%. Sometimes you're like, go jack off on your own.

But service yourself in another room or check that your partner's okay with you doing it in the bed next to them. Like it's not a big – it doesn't need to be a big deal, but I definitely think it's a conversation that should be had. But I reckon there'd be so many people who have experienced this in different ways. All right, that's enough masturbation chat. Let's move on to question number three.

This is an interesting one and I think it might rub a lot of people up the wrong way. one of my absolute pet peeves is not receiving a thank you for my generosity recently a lot of my friends and family are having babies so I've given them gifts home-cooked meals and heartfelt cards some of them I don't even receive a thank you from unless I bring it up I am the type of person who sends a text on a bigger occasion thank you cards but some friends and family haven't even sent me a text to say thank you I've previously traveled interstate for a wedding and contributed to the wishing well I thanked her for having me at the wedding but I never received a thank you for the

effort I made and the effort I make with our friendship and we haven't spoken since I know times have changed and thank you cards aren't really a thing anymore but I also think it's not hard to send a text thanking someone for their generosity am I being unreasonable oh I maybe people are not going to agree with me I think if you are going out of your way to help if someone who's just had a baby, if you are in the throes of very early motherhood and you have a newborn and you were someone going out of your way to either bring food or to send a present or to do something that should just be out of the generosity of your own heart without the expectation of receiving anything back. And I want to help them. And I say this because being a new mom and

having a newborn is such an all consuming moment of life that often the things that you would normally do. The thank yous, the following up, the like fucking having a shower, getting eight hours of sleep, the stuff that you would normally do in life just doesn't exist anymore. Your entire world and identity has been flipped on its head. Now, I'm not saying that that's an excuse to be an asshole in your friendship, but I am saying that I think it's a period in life where we can give our friends a little bit of grace, that they are going to be a little bit selfish. And it's not because they're being selfish intentionally. It's because most new mums with newborns are just trying to survive they're just trying to get by and so doing something in that period of life

should just come with generosity without expectation but I also think in general like if you're going to do things for your friends because you love them and care about them I don't really think that we should be doing things with the expectation of getting something back and I know that that's a fine line between feeling taken for granted and doing something out of the kindness of your own heart but I think you need to figure out where that line sits for you I don't think that's a tricky line. I don't think you should ever be doing something with the intention of getting a thank you.

And of course, you can feel undervalued if maybe it's a particular person that you're constantly doing things for and you never get anything back. But your motivation for helping people out, I personally think, isn't to get a pat on the back and it isn't to get these thank yous. You should know your friend would be so grateful

if you've dropped food over. She might not have time to send you a thank you card, But I would be very shocked if you turned up to her house with a homemade lasagna and she didn't say thank you so much or she didn't say any sort of thank you. So maybe your problem is it's not enough of a level or it's not meeting what you're like. Like it sounds like you're the person that does send thank you cards.

Something we can do in all relationships, not just friendships, but definitely in romantic relationships as well, and it's so fucking unhealthy, and I know that sometimes I do it when it comes to like having little tiffs with Matt, is scorekeeping. Scorekeeping is so toxic in your relationships. It's toxic in friendships and it's toxic in romantic relationships. But it sounds to me like you are keeping score, that you are doing things with an expectation of getting something back. And I think once you have logged it in your brain that you are keeping score, you will always be resentful. You will

always be frustrated because the other person that you're keeping score against doesn't know and they don't know that you're in this tit for tat situation and I think it actually just breeds like I said just such a level of resentment within friendships it's so unfair and it's so one-sided because the other person doesn't know that that's what's going on but I think you know in these instances that you're talking about like early motherhood and going to weddings yes it is beautiful that you have been generous but I do think that these are both moments in life where you are allowed to just give without the expectation of getting something back I think another important part of this is you know we all receive love in different ways and we've spoken

about it like the different love languages and it sounds to me like you're somebody who is like a words of affirmation like you want to be told that you're appreciated you want to be told that you're doing a good job and I think that different people show that in different ways like for me I don't need to receive a thank you card from someone if anything I'm like what a waste of paper it goes straight in the bin I'm not someone who keeps hold of cards so for me that's kind of mismatched I'll send a text I'll definitely say thank you and I'll appreciate in different ways but maybe it's that you have a very specific way in which you feel appreciated and your friends aren't meeting those expectations but they might be meeting them in other ways. I think the thing you do really need

to ask yourself here is and this is what's popping into my mind is you're obviously an amazing friend and an amazing person but no one's making you do this and I don't think they're asking you to do these things I don't think they've asked you to make them a dinner you're doing it because you really want to do it so maybe ask yourself why are you that offended that you're not getting these cards and thank yous back because everybody in life and in personality is different everyone's at a different stage if you have no attachments right let's just say you don't have a partner you don't have kids you're living your best life and you take dinner to your friend who's got a newborn baby they might have other kids at home they have a crazy life they don't have as much

time and brain function to think of the same things that you're doing and sometimes because of these life events friendships grow and change and they can become one-sided not intentionally but because people's life journeys differ they've got different priorities at the moment I'm so sure that they're grateful but it's not the top of their list to go and get a thank you card and send it to you yeah but there does come a point in friendships though like if you feel as though a friendship is one-sided. It can't be one-sided indefinitely. You know, you can't just keep showing up to a friendship where your friend is not returning serve, you know, over and over again, because that does give you a sense of feeling like you are unloved or unappreciated or all of

those sorts of feelings. So I think like you have to be the one to kind of figure out is this repetitive behavior by the same person? Is this that I'm showing up to the friendship and they're not meeting me here because they don't want to or they can't at this point in life. There are periods where people deserve and are allowed to be a little bit inward focused. But I guess it's like figuring out whether it's repetitive behavior or whether it's just a part of the season of your friendship. Well, I was going to say exactly that, Laura. Friendships do have seasons as well. Sometimes they run their course and this could be running its course. If you feel like it's not being reciprocated, you're not on the same level, you're not getting what you need from the

friendship you don't have to maintain it sometimes it's time to take a step back and maybe you can revisit it in six months or a year but if you're feel like you're putting in in in in in not getting anything back just do less do less do less take us yeah stop cooking stop sending presents stop sending cards and thank yous okay that's enough from us to round this out go and get your live show tickets as well if you have been thinking about coming and watching life uncut live we are coming to a capital city near you and it's going to be freaking amazing we've got sam fisher we have mitch coming keisha's going to be there we are all going to be on stage with some absolutely incredible guests it's going to be wild and it's going to be hilarious you can get your tickets

from lifeuncutpodcast.com.au and yeah it's going to be so so fun so please don't miss that it's happening the whole month of october we've got eight locations across the country and over the pond in auckland even all the way to perth perth always says that no one comes to them we're coming We're coming. We're coming all the way to you. So bring your friends and don't just bring your friends. Bring your boyfriend. Bring your girlfriend.

It'll be such an eye-opening revolution. You'll learn some stuff. You'll leave a different person. A better person. Smellier. I promise not to fart. Anyway, that's it. Don't forget.

Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.