Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - A Posh Wank Or Is He Cheating?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Cammeraygal land. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Keisha. And producer Keish is filling in for Laura today. We know Laura's been going through a lot of personal stuff the last couple of months, so she is having a few days with herself and her family.

Starting point is 00:00:36 But we love having you, Keish, so welcome to Therapy Thursday. Ask Uncut, where we unpack your deep, dark, dirty, and burning questions. I don't even know what the tagline is. Deep, dark, and burning questions. Yeah, dilemmas. We should make it alliteration. Deep, dark, dirty dilemmas. I mean, we're five years deep and we haven't done that, but we can update it, I suppose.

Starting point is 00:00:56 I would appreciate it. Hey, okay, you just did something that rocked me, shocked me to my core. You sat down and we're about to record. You were chewing chewing gum. I was like, Keish, you can't chew chewing gum on the record. No one wants to hear that for an hour. And you were like, no worries, and swallowed it. I'm like, what kind of a sociopath swallows chewing gum?

Starting point is 00:01:15 It's not my choice. We're in a rush. Well, it was. You made a choice. I've got shit to do. No, you actually made the choice. You had a choice to spit it out or swallow it. It's fair, yes.

Starting point is 00:01:25 The whole if you swallow it, it stays in your gut for seven years, not true. I don't know who started the rumour. I don't know why it took off so much. It is one of those myths that goes around at school. I mean, I can't imagine it being good for you. I'm not recommending, but prior to the recording, I had done a couple of things that just took up a bit of extra time and I was like, we just need to get started.

Starting point is 00:01:46 We've got lots to do today. What things did you do that took up time, Keisha? I don't want to talk about it. You had to go find an empty toilet block so you could do a poop because you tried to do one poop, you got poop anxiety, poop-xiety because someone was in the cubicle next to you. So she had to go out of the building to like another level. She had to take a swipe card, go up three levels

Starting point is 00:02:05 until she found an empty cubicle so she could take a dump. I was like, just do it. The amount of poop talk on the podcast makes me uncomfortable. It's crazy how much poop anxiety you and Laura get. We get it very differently though. She would have had no problem with the fact that someone else is in the cubicle next to her. But like over my dead body, would I comfortably sit next to someone

Starting point is 00:02:26 who I don't know who it is? I don't know if I'd be more comfortable with an anonymous person or with a friend. What if it was me? I don't know. I couldn't. I'd feel more comfortable with you than most other people. No, Laura's made me leave the bathroom before.

Starting point is 00:02:39 She's like, quick, it's coming. Run. And I'm like washing my hands and I'm like, okay. You know, I just, it's a step in the right direction because I used to be the type of person when I would first start dating a boy, I could hold it for three days that is equally on par with swallowing your chewing gum for how unhealthy that is for you I just wasn't comfortable like I just wasn't comfortable they would have to not be in the house and even then I'd be like that was still no do you know

Starting point is 00:03:08 one time you've just made me remember this I can't I'm gonna say this I remember when I first started dating my ex it's like a Voldemort like I can't use his name Jordan oh he must not be named no He's great, whatever. Where we first started dating. No, he's great. Everything's fine. I had that. We have really good memories.

Starting point is 00:03:23 It was great. XO, XO. Send in love. I was living right across from the beach, but I lived in a tiny, like one-bedroom apartment with a tiny kitchen. Keisha lived there for a while, so she knows. It had one bathroom, one bedroom. And the bathroom was right next to the bedroom.

Starting point is 00:03:39 Same wall. Same thin wall. Acoustics. Thin. And the house was so small that if you did do something that may have smells it would have stunk the house out anyway I remember I was like he was just living at my house like we were inseparable great but I was like oh my god I need to go so bad what am I gonna do so I pretended I was like I'm gonna go pick up something to eat from

Starting point is 00:04:02 the shops and he was like I'll come I was like no you just chill I'll go anyway I literally ran across the road to a public toilet I went to find a public toilet rather than at the start use my own bathroom that is how much anxiety I had at the start I think that's the most relatable thing I've ever heard in my life it takes a long time to be comfortable I'll never be comfortable with door open situation like never ever that's not for me but I feel like it's a step in the right direction that I'm now I mean I don't know if it's that I'm able to go at work so anyway yeah I chose to go to the well back to the chewing gum it is a myth that it stays in your stomach for seven years but it's not a myth that it's actually really bad for you so it doesn't ever break down

Starting point is 00:04:42 It will not break down. It stays in there. Like corn? Straight through? Well, it doesn't go straight through, but it does move very slowly through and then it does just get excreted. But in children, I don't know why I'm going so in-depth into this, but in children it has been known to, like, block their bowel passage

Starting point is 00:04:59 and it can be, like, really severe. So I think the myth starts so that kids don't do it. Anyway. Probably good. Let's move on. People come here for the education. Far too much about our lives. Well, I wanted to tell you something really serious that happened to me last night.

Starting point is 00:05:14 This is not a joke, but I could have died last night and I'm not exaggerating. And this is like a warning to people. So this isn't a ha-ha? This is not a ha-ha. I literally feel like I messaged Ben. I said, I think I could have died last night. Like that's how close I think I was. So my house is really cold.

Starting point is 00:05:32 I've talked to you guys about that before. Like I don't have heating in the house and I'm always wearing jumpers. It's not insulated well. It's freezing. So I do have heaters. I have a heater in my room because I freeze to death at night and I have a heater in the lounge room. Anyway, I always put the heater on for a couple of hours in my room before to heat it up and then I turn it off. And so last night I woke up cause I was cold. So I put the heater on. It's

Starting point is 00:05:55 right next to my bed. I don't even have to get out of bed. I lean over and just put it on at the wall at the socket. So I put it on and I was like, I'll leave it on for an hour or so. And then I'll turn it off just so it reheats. What type of heater is it? It's just a little portable heater. Like electric it's actually one ben bought me then this not i'm not blaming ben but ben you could kill me i'm not blaming ben but if i'm blaming anyone it's ben but is it like an electric one not gas no yeah you just plug it in electric it heats so well and i've had it for months and months it's fine so i lean over put it on then go back to bed and then i am woken at about two in the morning my smell woke me up and i'm lucky i'm a semi-light sleeper the smell woke me up and

Starting point is 00:06:35 I opened my eyes and I was like something is wrong my whole room was smoke and I looked down next to the bed flames like I'll show you the photo I was like I'm about to die in a fire like it was about I reckon if I was so this is the wall socket like it was it's burnt the wall socket is burnt right next to my bed it's got like a it's almost as though when you put a candle out and all the candle dust goes over the lid it looks like that on the socket it's all black smoke the plug is completely melted so flames were coming out flames were out right next to my head but the room was full of smoke and I was like oh my god I just I don't even it was black and like the lights went on and I just ripped the plug out of the wall picked it up threw it into

Starting point is 00:07:21 the bathroom because my room is all carpet and bedding and stuff I was like the house is going to burn down threw it into the bathroom tiles and then my bath mat was there so I got the bath mat and just soaked it. This is in seconds in the black. I don't even know how it was operating and dropped to the bath mat on top of. To like smother it. Just to smother what was the flames that were there, just to put it out. And I was like, my heart was beating and I thought if I didn't wake up because of the

Starting point is 00:07:45 smell, my room would have been on fire, like seconds away from disaster. That is a terrifying situation. Yeah. And I could not believe my whole house from that tiny little socket smells of, it's like a fire has been in there. Like I cannot get the smell, this morning I could not get the smell out. so I've turned all like the power off I'm gonna get the electrician and to come and check the sockets but I don't even know what my warning is here like I don't even know there's not a warning

Starting point is 00:08:09 but I guess it actually I guess it is I guess it's like don't leave those kind of heaters on through the night yeah because that could happen but I mean like you're in situations where it's like what's the alternative your house is fucking freezing you want to be warm enough to actually like be comfortable it's the housing standards in Australia are actually cooked like it's actually not reasonable. And not cooked like hot. Yeah. Unless your house is on fire. Do you know what though? The only thing I'm very grateful for in that situation. It's that I have sleeping issues. No, it's that it wasn't the heater out in the lounge room near Delilah. Oh, I thought the same thing. I would never leave that on. But the other thing, I took a sleeping tablet last night because

Starting point is 00:08:49 I do have trouble sleeping. So I had taken a sleeping tablet. Imagine if that's how potent the fire smell was. So I'm so, so lucky. But you hear, unfortunately, you hear fires like that, electrical fires in a home. You know, over Christmas time, you always hear it's Christmas lights or it's extra things that are plugged in. So just be careful. That's my... How are you? Did you nearly die last night? I didn't. I had a wonderful sleep. I got 100% on my sleep score. You said that no one really cares about that. I disagree. I had a great sleep and I'm really sorry that that story has absolutely rocked me because that is fucking terrifying. I love that I'm putting fire out at night and you have 100% sleep score. I got kudos from my Whoop app. It's

Starting point is 00:09:31 wonderful. I'm feeling great. But something did happen to me yesterday afternoon. And I thought back to the episode that you and Laura recorded of Ask Uncut last week that we got a lot of feedback about. So it was the question where there were a couple, they had a click and collect, a direct to boot order for their groceries, right? And they went to the store and I think because of the Microsoft outage, like things hadn't been processed properly. So they collected their groceries, they got home and they got this notification saying that they would get a refund

Starting point is 00:10:00 for their order because it wasn't able to be processed. But they'd already got their order. They'd already got it. And so they were having this debate between them where her partner was saying we should tell them and we should, you know, own up to the fact that we did get them and we should pay for them. And she was saying, I think we should just take the win.

Starting point is 00:10:17 Because they're struggling farmers. They've been in drought. I almost don't even know if those factors matter to me. I think it does matter. I think those factors mean a lot. I was kind of sitting in the corner and I was like, I wouldn't even bat a single eyelash to this, which was the feedback that we got from most people being like,

Starting point is 00:10:33 grocery stores are not the little dog in this scenario. If it was a small business, probably would have felt differently. So overwhelming feedback was that most people were like me. So last night I'm at the grocery store down the road from my house. Oh, here we go. She's stalled. And I'm a bit of a tight arse. And she's going to blame us.

Starting point is 00:10:52 I am a bit of a tight arse. You know the reduced items? Always go through those because I'm like if it's something that I actually need, yeah, I'll get the reduced one. I'm going to use it tonight. No worries. There was a packet of chicken breast and it was reduced because you had to use it by tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:11:05 And I was like, well, that's not a problem. I'm cooking this tonight. So it had a reduced sticker on it and I got to the counter and I went through self-serve and I scanned it and it came up as $0.04. And I was like, winning. But that's not stealing for you because you scanned the barcode. That's the price of it.

Starting point is 00:11:25 That's the price. Yeah. Absolute win. The actual price on the sticker was $8.80 or something like that, right? So you stole two bars. Wait for it. Put it in my little bag in the self-serve checkout where it weighs it and it comes up with their like, oh, you haven't bagged the item,

Starting point is 00:11:41 blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you know, skip bagging, skip bagging. Abort, abort, get out. Skip bagging. The anxiety that the checkout person is going to come and actually go through and compare what you've scanned. That's exactly what happened. They're like, man, you bought a grape.

Starting point is 00:11:55 And I was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know why. Like, you know, I'm playing by the rules, scanning away. And he looked at it and he looked in the bag and I was like, that's the chicken. And he looked and then he saw the price. Anyway, I was like, mate, just let me play on. It's Scander's chicken.

Starting point is 00:12:12 It's not my fault it's been put in as the wrong price. I didn't say this. I was thinking it in my head. I was just trying to get away with the $8. Anyway, this ended up in a three-minute debacle, three staff members trying to void the price, and I was like, it wasn't even worth the reduction in the chicken. It wasn't even worth the four cents.

Starting point is 00:12:32 No, they made me pay the full price. They entered it as like a miscellaneous sale. And I was like, you're not a person of the people, okay? Well, I think this is on you. I don't. No, because you should have when you put it in the basket to be weighed. You have to hold it up a bit so it doesn't know the actual weight. Because obviously it thought it was like an apple or something.

Starting point is 00:12:50 No, it came up as chicken breast. It came up as like I think when they'd entered it into the system as the reduced price, they'd put it in wrong. And I don't know how the system worked out. I don't know how it happened. But it ended up wasting me time and money. Well, not wasting money because you paid what it was supposed to be. Do you know, I was genuinely surprised from the feedback

Starting point is 00:13:13 that we got on that Ask Uncut. That you guys were far too virtuous? Well, I say that because I genuinely thought more people would, and I said this off camera, like when we were discussing it, I said, oh, I think the majority of people would take this back and do the right thing or at least feel extremely guilty. Like take it but at least have that little smidge of guilt. Like you throw the guilt in on the side.

Starting point is 00:13:34 But they weren't. You motherfuckers, you were like, steal that, steal your groceries. He wasn't stealing, it was their stuff. You own that. But I was, I mean, all for it. You all gave your valid reasons. I'm not here to judge anyone except to say that I was semi-shooketh to the core.

Starting point is 00:13:51 I wasn't shocked at all. I would not feel an ounce of guilt and I want my chicken for four cents a game. No, the overarching feedback was if it was a small business that people would take it back but they could not care less about the big conglomerate switch fair all right let's get into the vibes you dirty little thieves this week i'm gonna vibe and i decided to like really lean into it i have done my hair with the curls the curls that you've all been talking about no one's been talking about it the curls

Starting point is 00:14:18 that i have been rocking the last week or two and i do get a lot of dms about it so you saw if you follow me on instagram i tried out these heatless curls in my hair that you sleep in and i sort of was knocking them i was like this is ridiculous this is not gonna work like how do people sleep in this. Anyway, I'm obsessed. Is it worth not having my night's sleep? Yes. Is it worth almost dying in a fire in my room? Because I did have the curls. Maybe that's what saved you. Maybe you should be thanking the heatless curls. No, if anything, it's material. If a flame got onto that heatless curl in my head, my hair would be, I mean, I'd have more worries than that. I think hair's flammable anyway. It is, yeah. I have burnt my hair before on a candle,

Starting point is 00:14:58 so I can confirm that it's flammable. So you can get these heatless material curls anywhere right like there's so many brands i originally found it by just googling them online found one on amazon or something but i've got one from mermaid hair you can get them from literally like anywhere yeah but the difference with mine is it has four i'm gonna call them like doodles almost because there's like a tentacle tentacles thank you bit nicer so you put like a comb it's like got a little tiny comb that you put in the front of your head at your hairline and you split your hair and you literally just semi-dry your hair, almost dry, wrap them around, put them up.

Starting point is 00:15:34 I put them in a bunch on my head so I can sleep better. Take them out in the morning and your curls are incredible. My particular one is called Bouncy Blowband. That's where I got it from. They've got loads of hair stuff on there, but that's it, four tentacles. You can do two tentacles. My vibes for the week, and I'm saying plural because I'm going to quickly put one in here because Laura's not here.

Starting point is 00:15:53 The first one is an episode of Modern Wisdom. It is the podcast by Chris Williamson, who is coming to Australia soon. I love how many times you have planted seeds, like your vibes are someone that you want to speak to. Okay, guys, it's in the works. He's coming to Australia and we are in the process of securing an interview with him. He's one of the biggest podcasters in the world. He's originally from Love Island, but he has this podcast, Modern Wisdom.

Starting point is 00:16:19 It is one of the world leading podcasts. He has a particular episode really recent. It came out like a day and a half ago. It is with Andrew Wilkinson and it's called How to Stop Feeling Like Your Success Is Never Enough. It is all about happiness, shifting of goals, kind of reaching that goal and realizing that once you get there, you kind of just want more and you want more and more and more and you're never going to feel as though you get satisfaction from what your original goal

Starting point is 00:16:45 was. Like the goalpost keeps moving. Yeah. It's pretty far in the like self-help. If you're into that type of stuff, you will like it. If you're not into it, you'll probably find it a bit of a drag because it's a long episode. It goes for like two hours or something like that. But I also don't personally, as a podcast and someone that consumes a lot of podcasts,

Starting point is 00:17:03 the time, like the length of a podcast doesn't bother me. Like when I see a podcast that could go for two plus hours, it doesn't turn me off because I don't need to listen to it all in one. Like I'll happily start it and go for a half an hour walk and then pick it up the next day. But I know a lot of people don't, it almost. I think it depends on your listening habits. I think it depends if you're the type of person who listens while you commute or whether you

Starting point is 00:17:24 do the dog walk or for me, I mean, I'm such a consumer of content through audio mediums. So I love to have it on almost at all times. I'll have it while I'm showering, while I'm getting ready for anything, while I'm driving, while I'm walking, like whatever it is, I like to have something playing. My other vibe for the week is potentially the most exorbitant vibe I have ever had in my life. I'm going to tell you, you do not need this. it is a want. So a couple of weeks ago and leading up until I got this, because we wear headphones,

Starting point is 00:17:57 like I wear headphones so much because after we record the podcast, I then go and edit and I edit a lot. And I want to make this really clear. We wear Rode headphones when we record. I'm not speaking about these ones. I'm speaking about another pair that I had. I was getting really bad headaches because the pressure of where the headband sits on my head. Too much. I don't know what, like no matter how much I adjusted it, it was just giving me really, really, really bad headaches. I tried on my friend Soph's headphones at one point and I was like, what is this luxury? How have I never felt this before? And she was like, oh, they're the Apple AirPod Max headphones. And I was like, well, I've got to get me some of these. Oh God, how much? They retail for $899.

Starting point is 00:18:37 That's an expensive headphone. So to be clear, these are not earbud AirPods. They're the ones that go over your head, the headband type, right? And they sit over your ears. They are the most comfortable things I've ever had in my life. I am now wearing them by choice. Like I've switched out my AirPods, the ones that like I put into my ears and I have just been wearing them. The sound quality is obviously very, very good. That's not why I purchased them. I purchased them because of the comfort. So I feel like for me, I can justify it because firstly tax write-off. Secondly, I was about to say it's a tax deduction, but also there'd be a lot of people out there that would not be wearing headphones for the length of time that you are. So I think it's more to

Starting point is 00:19:16 those people that are like excessive headphone users but I do think that people wear them more now like people who work from home a lot if they've got meetings and that kind of thing they have to wear headphones it's you know to block out the sound that's around them and whatever but yeah if you are in the market for a really good really comfortable pair of headphones I highly recommend the Apple AirPod Max I did get them on a 15% off sale so you can get them on sale every now and then right now they're on sale on Amazon for $708. Bargain. Firstly, I don't want anyone to be like, this is the most fucking unrelatable thing. You've just spoken about trying to get chicken for 4 cents. Well, this is why. It's all about balance. This is why Keisha

Starting point is 00:19:57 can't eat this week. Anyway, let's get into the questions. A few years ago when I was around seven months pregnant, I noticed a condom missing from the pack. The only reason I noticed this was because we don't use condoms and had only been using them while we were going through fertility treatment and we were advised to use them prior to egg collection and embryo transfer. So that is a thing, like when you are doing your egg transfers and stuff, you have to wear condoms. You have to be really, really careful because you don't want to be implanted with an embryo and like you don't want to conceive at the same time, basically. I confronted my husband about it and he said he just likes to wear them when he relieves himself because he likes the feeling of it. Fast forward

Starting point is 00:20:37 to now and we have been trying for a second baby for almost nine months. We have embryos frozen so I've decided to go through fertility treatment again. We have been advised to use condoms to avoid multiple pregnancies etc. My husband hasn't used any of ours since then or told me that he's bought more. For the past few months he's been working away a few nights a week and staying at a friend's house while he's away. Now this friend is married with kids. The other day our two-year-old was going through his bag, which he does a lot. He opened a zipper up and pulled out two condoms from his bag saying, daddy biscuits. So many things are running through my head. A few hours passed and a comment was made and we ended up talking about it. He told me again that he liked

Starting point is 00:21:20 the feeling of ejaculating in a condom and that I had nothing to worry about. My sex drive has been very low the last few months because we're trying for a baby and sex now feels like a chore. He doesn't want to push me or put any pressure so he says he finds the need to relieve himself which I do understand. I explained to him why it seems sus. He understood where I was coming from and said he never even saw it that way. I don't know if this is a red flag and he's lying to me or is this legitimately a thing that people come in condoms when they masturbate and I should be trusting him. We're about to have another embryo transfer and I'm just all over the place with my emotions and how I feel about this I don't have actual proof he's done anything wrong or cheated

Starting point is 00:22:01 I don't have any other reasons not to trust him my mind is just jumping to conclusions because of the missing condoms what the fuck okay the show she said what the fuck not me my initial thoughts on this were very very very different to when I spoke to my boyfriend about this last night because I was like, hmm, male opinion. My initial opinion was I would also be suspicious as anything. This sounds really clear that perhaps something odd is going on. Oh, yeah, my brain would have jumped straight to like, he's doing the dirty.

Starting point is 00:22:35 I mean, there's kind of a few factors, more condoms than what you expected to be missing, different packets, staying away for work. Having them in your bag. I would have been like, oh, the writing kind of sounds like it's on the wall. My boyfriend had a very, very different opinion. And he was like, yeah, it's called a posh wank.

Starting point is 00:22:52 And I was like, it's called a what? Is that the technical name? Okay, so I've Googled, sorry, I've Urban Dictionary'd it. Is that a verb? Yeah. It says to wank using a condom. It then says, number two, or if you're really posh, you get your butler to do it.

Starting point is 00:23:06 What? Kind of gross. I don't think they have a butler. Okay, so posh wank is apparently a thing. And, I mean, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but we hear all the time that guys are like, well, it doesn't feel as good when I've got a condom on and for whatever no's reason.

Starting point is 00:23:20 Yeah. But apparently it is a thing. So it is possible that your husband actually does like the feeling of it. Also, if he is doing it while he's staying away, like at someone else's house. Well, don't be doing it at your friend's house. Well, I kind of feel like this is a respectful version of it because the clean-up's easy.

Starting point is 00:23:38 It is. Hands down, if you were to masturbate at a friend's house, yes, it's respectful. But it is not respectful to masturbate at a friend's house. You reckon? No, especially if you're only going there to stay for one night. It's like you've got a sick fetish that you're saving it up for the friend's house.

Starting point is 00:23:53 If you are going to stay at a friend's house for one night a month or whatever it is, why are you banking your wank for your friend's house? Maybe because he feels more comfortable just doing it when, you know, he's partners. I don't know. I don't know. I understand. I do understand.

Starting point is 00:24:08 I want to say, like, I get that some people masturbate into a condom for cleanliness. Totally get that. And if that's your thing, that's fine. and it does sound like he's not doing anything else that's giving you a red flag there's no other reason for you to think that my only question is and i don't want to say this to put like thoughts into somebody's head but the thing that i think here is if he's saying he masturbates into a condom because he loves the feeling of it why doesn't he like to wear them when you're

Starting point is 00:24:38 having sex because if he likes the feeling so much i just don't know if sex and masturbation of the same though. And I don't know either. That's why I'm posing the question. I'm not a man. I don't have a penis and I've never jacked off myself like that. So I don't know. Do you know, I would almost be asking, and maybe I'll do a round of male friends. I'll ask a bunch of male friends and we'll report back next week. But maybe you should ask if you have some male friends that are close to you that you trust and you respect their opinion, et cetera, maybe ask them, say, is this something that maybe you don't do it, but maybe other men do it. Cause a lot of men even if they don't do something they know the trends that other men are doing they know if

Starting point is 00:25:16 something is yeah yeah i get what you mean i mean it's kind of one of those things though if it's like if it's not normal and putting that in quotation marks it doesn't matter like he might like it it's kind of one of those things that it's like well i think firstly i want to validate you in the sense that i don't think you're crazy and i also don't think it's your hormones that are making you think that this is suspicious behavior like i i think anyone in this situation would be a little bit raising their eyebrows going this seems odd you know this seems unusual I think it's going to have to be one of those things that you accept his answer for what he said and you accept that maybe that's how he does like to pleasure himself and that's fine if it is you

Starting point is 00:25:52 know he's not doing anything wrong as you've said and maybe just look for other signs you know I don't I don't want to say like look for the other signs I think in this situation you kind of just have to accept that this could very likely be the truth and until you are given other reasons to suspect otherwise you just have to accept that that's the case well the only other thing is she does make a point i'm just rereading the question and to be clear i just made a mistake he does he stays a few nights a week not a few nights a month so it's pretty frequently she does say that if he likes using condoms to masturbate more condoms haven't disappeared from the pack we already had so it's not like he is actually using them for that it's just the sporadic few

Starting point is 00:26:34 so she's like more haven't been used and also he hasn't said he's bought more so that's more of a red flag if it's just a few for me but there's nothing that you can do in this situation at the end of the day like this is your husband and you have to either trust what he's saying or not trust what he's saying and the conversation has to happen but if he's giving you no other reason I think you have to take it at face value and take his word for it but for sure your ears are going to be pricked now like you are going to be taking a lot of notice about other things that are happening things he's saying and I think that's okay but at the end of the day if you can't trust your partner you need to have those conversations about why and then you need to

Starting point is 00:27:13 decide moving forward if you're going to believe them or not because there's nothing else to do you can't stay in a relationship where you're questioning every move that they make and if they're being faithful to you and it sucks but at the end of the day that's what you've got to do You've either got to roll with it and trust him or not. But then what do you do if you don't? I know, and they're in the position where she's about to have a second embryo transferred. Yeah, but you're definitely not, also what Keisha said,

Starting point is 00:27:36 like you're definitely not overreacting or anything like that. Like these are all very valid. I would do exactly the same thing. If I saw Ben had condoms in his bag knowing we don't use them. Yeah, and he stayed away a couple nights a week. And he was going away a few nights a week or something like that. I'd be like, hmm. Something's not right up here.

Starting point is 00:27:51 I don't know how to explain that one. And he smelled like women's perfume. No, I'm joking. Yeah, like that's the one thing that I want to be careful saying. Like if it were me, I think it would kind of make me put a bit of a magnifying glass on some of the other behaviours, but that's such a negative place to be in your relationship. Like it's when you've planted that seed of suspicion,

Starting point is 00:28:10 I feel as though you look for things that otherwise you wouldn't and it can be such a poison in your relationship. So you're in a really, really tricky position. But I think play on for now and maybe just keep your wits about you for other behaviors that don't quite add up. And maybe you'll ask questions about those a little sooner than what you otherwise would have. Yeah. Alrighty. Question number two. I've got a friend who seems to chase chaos in relationships. She is clearly the reason her last wonderful relationship didn't work out. And since then she has dated multiple toxic guys back

Starting point is 00:28:41 to back. She says she loves the red flags as if it's funny until it's not so much funny anymore. She also never takes accountability for her bad behavior. I wish I didn't get invested and didn't care what she did with relationships but it's put me off of our friendship she's never done anything bad to me but i find myself with the ick and not really wanting to hang out with her because i can't possibly listen to one more of these chaotic and red flag guy stories am i being a bad friend we've never had an ick in a friendship before come into life i've actually don't think i've ever had an ick in a friendship have you yeah i've had friendships deteriorate but for different reasons not because like the ick for me I relate to a relationship where you're like

Starting point is 00:29:26 don't kiss me don't touch me the thought of your tongue in my mouth or in any crevice is disgusting but for a friendship I've never had that revulsion before you know yeah for me I don't think it's revulsion I think it's actually you get to the limit of your exhaustion and I've been in a similar situation to this before the reason that I got to that point was because these chaotic stories they can be very fun but they can become almost like you feel as though in the relationship the person is coming to you and they're telling you the stories and they're so large and full of emotion and like it's so hectic that you're like whoa like that's a lot and when that happens time after time after time you can be put in this position where you're like I'm not your therapist

Starting point is 00:30:15 like I'm not your therapist and I'm not here to kind of unpack the ins and outs of this over and over and over and over and it kind of depends on whether they're telling you these stories because they think they're funny or because they want your advice and they kind of want to vent to you because I do think that there's a limit to how much you can kind of tolerate just as a bystander in the situation does that make sense yeah I think what it is for me is it's really frustrating when you hear a friend that might always be the victim in something when you know they're not actually the victim. That's what this screams to me.

Starting point is 00:30:48 She's like, you know, it never works out. It's me. I'm the common denominator. But you have given them the same advice over and over again and you've watched them do the same thing over and over again. That's when it's frustrating. That's when it's like, I don't know what the fuck I can tell you anymore. Like you want this.

Starting point is 00:31:01 That's when it gets really hard. And maybe she does want it. Maybe she is thriving off that and that's something that she needs to unpack. Like maybe she's actually commitment avoidant. And a lot of people, we've spoken about this so many times, but a lot of people feel like they need that in a relationship to feel alive or to feel like that the relationship's worth fighting for. You know, it's this love, this chaos and this rollercoaster

Starting point is 00:31:24 is because we have so much chemistry and we love each other so much and like it's bullshit. We all know that that's bullshit. We've unpacked that enough to know that. Interestingly, and I really want to sit in this point for a bit and I'm speaking before anyone kind of comes to me is like, how dare you say this? I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has experienced this and has a variety of psychiatric conditions. I found...

Starting point is 00:31:48 You're letting people into your crazy, Keisha. Well, literally though, it's been really interesting for me since being diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, looking back on some of my past relationship and dating experiences, I had absolutely no awareness how much I chased a dopamine hit in relationships. It made me so impulsive it made me do things just to feel something but I didn't know at the time that that's what it was I thought that that's just how I was and I experienced the highs in relationships and what came with that was the very very down lows so I think it can be a very different conversation when you're talking about someone who is not neurochemically balanced you know

Starting point is 00:32:26 that's the current theories I've experienced friends do this as well and I relate to that chaos chasing because it makes you feel so much dopamine at the time and it sounds a little bit like maybe your friend is someone who does experience a similar thing and maybe like me they didn't have as much awareness of the fact that that's what they were doing and that's why she's chasing these same guys over and over and over again but you're in the position where you're like this is exhausting and I don't want to hear about this anymore and I don't think you're a bad person for doing that I wouldn't have felt as though someone was a bad person for feeling that way about my stories. Even though at the time I would have been like, oh, that's pretty offensive

Starting point is 00:33:07 and hurtful to me. Now looking back on it, I'm like, oh, I completely understand why they would have been put in that position. Yeah. It's one thing if like, it's one thing if you are really trying in your dating life or even if it's not even dating, like even if you're just doing hookups or whatever it is, if you are really trying and you are just unlucky and keep meeting dickheads that are treating you badly and it is chaos then that's different but when your friend is constantly like coming to you laughing telling you the same shit you've given them the same advice this has been going on for years then I think you are completely in your right and it does not make you a bad friend to step away a little bit because at the end of the day you can only do so much and

Starting point is 00:33:45 be so much and you are not going to be a good friend if you are sitting there looking at your friend listening to her talk to you being like I could think of nothing fucking worse than sitting here right now like if your internal monologue is like I want to be somewhere else then you probably should be somewhere else but I don't think that makes you a bad friend at all I think it's really important to note too that friendships and I've gone through this so with so many friends over the years and decades friendships come and go sometimes they are situational you know sometimes they are for a period what's that super crazy season or a lifetime yeah that's super cringy quote that Laura would have posted a hundred times in her life in every relationship yeah

Starting point is 00:34:24 friends are like a season for a reason or a lifetime whatever you know and I've had all of them and I think everyone has had all of them and I think everyone listening to this right now knows exactly or has had a friend in this situation before I do think you talked to her before you just abort mission I think you can say you're the problem it's not me it's you actually can say that like if she knows it too and she's talking about it you have to just say like this is this is going to keep happening to you as long as you're aware this will keep happening over and over if you keep doing the same behavior over and over and then it doesn't have to be a big friend breakup but you can easily just pull back and

Starting point is 00:35:01 not be as available like that's fine you're like hey we're adults now everyone has busy lives he can say hey not available this week anymore maybe catch you so maybe your catch-ups are a bit more sporadic but at the end of the day fuck no it doesn't make you a bad friend I think the only caveat that I want you to be a little bit aware of is whether you're projecting your own desires for relationship standards onto the other person so and what I mean by that is does this person want a long-term relationship but they're acting super chaotic they're accepting really toxic behavior they're also doing really toxic behavior and they're wanting this fairy tale outcome that's incongruent but if they want to just be having fun and dating and like they don't want

Starting point is 00:35:44 anything serious and they don't want anything long term then you're kind of expecting that that's what they want for their own life and judging that choice and their behaviours towards it probably isn't the right thing either. Yeah, but she does say she loves, like the girl says she loves red flags. Yeah. Like she's in her red flag era. Go Queen. We've all had our red flag era, but you might need- But we weren't aware that that's what it was. But it's hard when you're in your red flag era and everyone around you is in the green flag era. Like when you've come through the cyclone of the red flag era and you're at the other end, it's hard to be in different places so let her do a thing if that's what she's frothing then like that's on her as long as as

Starting point is 00:36:24 long as she's happy in it but seems weird to be happy in the red flag era some people get highs from like sometimes you get the thrill from it and i think that you kind of hit the nail on the head it depends on whether she is making herself the victim in these situations and whether she's making out that all this behavior is happening to her she's so unlucky yes she's not really taking any accountability to me it screams of the type of person who's like i just didn't feel the spark for anyone who is not super toxic yeah so it really does depend on a couple of things but I don't think you're a bad friend for feeling this way it just sounds as though your values are different at the moment so take a little bit of a step back don't cut the friendship off

Starting point is 00:37:01 completely you know but yeah like you said sporadic yeah sporadic catch up at a movie where you can't talk jokes okay question number three my family is going on a big holiday for an entire week i'm talking about my sisters their husbands and their kids my parents and me everyone's in like relationships and families but i'm single okay i love that you're doing the math thank you i'm counting i'm like how many people are we talking one of my sisters has been the arranger of the entire trip it was her idea so she has booked and budgeted everything and explained how much everything is costing and how it's going to be split now it's coming to the crushing time of paying everything and getting close to us all going but I'm starting to feel as if things

Starting point is 00:37:44 haven't been fairly budgeted what's your perspective we are three sisters helping to pay towards our parents holiday however two of us have partners also contributing this okay bear with me two of us have partners also contributing to the third expected on each of our behalves then there is me who has to support the whole third on my own there's a lot of maths here. I'm going to do the maths. So there's sister one with a partner. So that's two people. Sister two with a partner. That's four. Single sister who's written the question in. So that's five plus the parents. So seven people. Yeah. But the costs are split between the three sisters. Yes. And in those three sisters, two are in a couple and one is alone.

Starting point is 00:38:28 Yes. Okay. I understand. So her question is, is this just the way the cookie crumbles or should this actually be split by five to include my sister's husbands i i mean oh this is just down to the family dynamic because technically speaking yes the husbands are part of the family but is it their responsibility to be paying when the sisters have said let's cover our parents i'm leaning on yes i'm actually and i think that this happens not just with holidays i think it happens with Christmas and birthday presents, when you're the single one and the other people, like your siblings are in couples, it's always like, Hey, do you want to get mom and dad a present? Or do you want to get, you know, auntie blah, blah, blah, a present. And it's split evenly between

Starting point is 00:39:16 you and your sibling, but your siblings in a partnership. And then you've got to get them both birthday presents and Christmas presents, but you only get one in return because it's a joint gift. Like this is feeling very personal from Keisha's behalf. Maybe we need to send this to her brother my brother and sister-in-law are very very generous but I think that this happened this kind of like splitting of money happens within more dynamics than what just a holiday would and I can firstly understand why you are a bit miffed about this however is it split evenly between the five of you to account for the more cost towards your parents I don't know I don't know if it's one of those situations where it's like an even five because they're your parents

Starting point is 00:39:58 and your sister's parents, but they're not their parents. Well, that's why I mean it depends on the family dynamic. And it also depends on how each individual couple does their finances. Because whilst I think the most healthy thing in a relationship is to be sharing your finances, especially if you're married with kids, like what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. Not everyone does that. But in this case, they're married with kids. So these couples are locked and they're not newly dating because if they were newly dating I'd be like fuck no like that's not on him he's just coming to the family but they're settled they got kids I would probably expect them to pay slightly more yes that's that would be my answer and like that has happened before I'm just

Starting point is 00:40:37 trying to think of myself with like Sherry and Jay my sister and her husband when we've been going on just a trip for the three of us which we did loads we paid evenly thirds like as individuals not as their couple and myself so but that's just what suited us and the way we were traveling but I think if this is a really big thing for you and upsetting you and maybe you're not financially in the position to do that and to match what they are you should have that conversation with them but I just think it's probably one of those conversations moving forward that you need to have before you lock it in and pay for it so that you say hey I think that you know you guys might need to put a little bit more in for this reason are you guys happy with that I don't know if

Starting point is 00:41:20 it's the conversation you have after the fact after you've made the plans and everyone's paid and it's you know she's paid and it's time to pay up I think it's a bit too late to have that conversation you could have it you could pay it now and have the conversation to say hey moving forward I think would you guys be happy if we were splitting it a bit more evenly between all of us I think it also depends on your relationship with your sisters because I've just been doing the math in my head yeah love that not my strongest point but I think what would be deemed fair is you work out the cost of the trip in seven portions because that's each person and then you split the cost of your parents between the three of you so you split those

Starting point is 00:42:04 two portions by the three of you and therefore the partners are paying for their share in the holiday but you guys as the siblings are covering the costs of the parents yeah that's that could work kish i like that it is a lot of math and i don't know whether it's like achievable or if it's realistic but i do think that in these situations it's also kind of up to your sisters to acknowledge the fact that that's not fair to you to be split like to be putting in so much more and you know you're gonna get the shit room i was about to say you're on the fucking trundle you are on the trundle you don't have a bathroom you've got the portal you just know that that's the situation that's going to play out well it's sort of like the equivalent of if you

Starting point is 00:42:47 went to dinner with them and you all paid evenly even though they ate double that happens all the time yeah that's what i mean but even then but even then most of the time if you're at dinner you'd be like well you guys ate double so you pay double that's what i'd say do you though like I just think when it comes to splitting money it can be such an awkward situation and especially if you're not like super tight with your sisters and you don't want to look like you're the stingy one especially if this was like your idea to go on the holiday and you know shout your parents and kind of have them like you said I think it's going to be a hard thing to bring up after the fact it wasn't it was the other sister's idea it was a sister who planned and budgeted it was her

Starting point is 00:43:24 idea which she's quite the genius isn't that's probably why she's the rich one she's getting the discount holiday. She knows what's up. She's going exactly where she wants to for cheaper. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's fair that you split this by three when there's seven people going. And unless you can bring a friend, can you bring a friend

Starting point is 00:43:41 and then like, you know? Nah, you can't. A friend's not gone on a family holiday with kids and your sister's husbands and your parents. They're not 12. Maybe you want someone there to share the experiences with you. I'm sure she does want someone there, Keisha. Thin ice.

Starting point is 00:43:57 that's it from us today guys if you have any questions please send them on in we love answering them just send them to instagram life uncut podcast just put ask uncut at the top we always keep you anonymous the juicier the better and also keep you accidentally unfiltered and anything else coming in any ask uncut aftermath we love them all i also love it when people send things to our instagram that they're like just thought of you guys when i saw this i love it except if it's plant content hey guys just had anal with my husband and was thinking of you at the same time That's what we love. Blesses my soul.

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