Life Uncut - Ask Uncut: A Question So Bad We Kicked Him From The FB Group

Starting point is 00:00:09 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, you're dark and your burning questions. Hey, I'm wearing a half, half, half down today. What's a half up, half down? In my hair, I've never done half up, half down. Oh, yeah, very, um, very 90s. Holding on to that youth. That's what I'm doing. No, do you know why I did it? So just so you know, Brits, what she means by literally half up, half down, she has a hair in a half up ponytail. and half down.

Starting point is 00:00:40 Half up, half down. Yeah. I did it because I have no hair extensions at the moment. I de-pecocked and when you have hair extensions, you're bald. No, the opposite. Are you going to start when you have hair, oh no, sorry, when you take the hair extensions out? No, I'm not bald, Laura. Do I have a double crown that can appear to have a bald patch?

Starting point is 00:00:57 Yes. It's been the bane of my existence my whole life. Anyway, irrelevant. When you have hair extensions, you can almost do any hairstyle, but half up, half down, exposes the extensions. So you can't wear this hairstyle. And so I thought I have limited time before I put my extensions back in. I'm going to rock the 90s.

Starting point is 00:01:15 Lean in. Lean in hard, Brit. Anyway, you guys are on the edge of your seat. I just, I'm sharing. I'm sharing who I am at my core. Do you know what? Hair extensions, not for me. Can't do it.

Starting point is 00:01:27 We'll never have enough time or energy or like attention span to sit and chair for as long as it takes them to put them in. You know, you would because, I mean, it's a couple of hours. but it's not a full day. People think it's a full day. It's a couple of hours, but you could take your lapian work. Yeah, no, not for me. I'm too easily distracted.

Starting point is 00:01:44 That's true. And I need to do something. I can't sit in a chair for four hours. Like gets meds. I want to make you aware of something because it's something you've started doing and I don't think you've noticed it. Here we go. It's very, okay, it's very, I find it very funny and I notice it whenever I'm editing back

Starting point is 00:02:00 episodes. Say the word, B, C, A-U-S-E. Because? But you don't say it like that. You say because. And you put a W in there. Because? Because.

Starting point is 00:02:09 Do I? Because. Bequas. Because. Like I'm a New Yorker. You say, because. I'm not noticed that. I'm going to start clipping it together.

Starting point is 00:02:19 You say bequas. I wonder why I do that. I get hairy sense as bequas. Hey, don't get me started on you. Sorry, that's what Laura does. Every single episode 50 times. We have to edit out her sniffs because she has a tiny baby sinuses. I have tiny sinuses.

Starting point is 00:02:34 No. Bequas. I have tiny baby sinuses. Look, I'm not shocked that I do that, but I don't know why I would do that. You do it sometimes during like really, I've noticed it before, but we've always been like in a deep chat. Is it when I'm thinking? I don't know, but like when we were. Because that doesn't happen often.

Starting point is 00:02:50 We were talking about like very serious. We're talking about the same wood stuff and you said be like, you wanted to be like, you wanted to call me out but you're like, not the time. Read the room. Because I wonder because of my braces in my list, but maybe, you know how I started to when I had Invisaline years ago, Do you remember when I got out? We're on radio. And I started having a lisp.

Starting point is 00:03:10 And now I've got that metal bar on the back of my teeth. And there are some words, one of them is decision that I have a lot of trouble saying. And I think it's because my tongue hits the metal. What about investigative? See, you can't even say it sucked in. Investigative. It's a hard word. There's too many letters.

Starting point is 00:03:29 Investigative is like the one word that every time Britain I have to say it, we've got to stop down and re-say it. We're like there's a journalist that looks, into things. There's a journalist that investigate stuff. Investigative. That was good. That was good. We do have an investigative journal is coming on soon. No, I was, that was, anyway, I want to point out, I know I'm not perfect. I know I say, I know I say a lot of things wrong. I know I do a lot of things that aren't up to whatever anyone's standard is that they hold for me, but bequoise has been really tickle on my sides lately. Tell me your vibes. Unsubs.

Starting point is 00:04:01 Okay, a bit more serious, but I think it's really important. I mean, it's a conversation we're having worldwide at the moment. It's a conversation we've had a few times on a podcast with recent events. So it's a four-part British true crime TV series and it's called Believe Me. Now, you can, I watched it with a VPN. I have a VPN and I just like log into ITV or whatever in the UK. But you can, I just Googled it. You can actually watch it here for free on ABC Eye View. So it's based on a true story about a black cab driver. And I say black cab driver, he's not black. black cabs in London and England are like the safe cabs. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:39 The government cabs, they're called a black cab. Anyway, it's a true docu-series drama on this horrific crime that this cab driver committed over like a period of 10 years. Is this the guy I was giving champagne? Yeah. I have, yeah, I've read about this. He was basically picking up intoxicated women. Actually, some of them weren't even intoxicated, drugging them in his car and then raping them all over London for years.

Starting point is 00:05:04 years. And then like sometimes dropping them off at the hospital and stuff and being like, no, like completely normal. He would drive them home. He would, and that almost played in his favor because when these women were reporting this, they couldn't really remember a lot of things. Like they remembered him giving them the drink that he had the same story for everybody like, oh my God, I won big tonight, but I can't celebrate because I'm driving. We have a champagne for me and it was like a date rape. Anyway, so many women went to report it to the police. And it's about, it's not just about him and his crimes. It's about the way no one believe these women. No one. Even with evidence, the police were like basically threw it in a bin.

Starting point is 00:05:37 They didn't investigate properly. They lied to the women saying, oh, we've looked into it as far as we can. There's no evidence. It all comes out later after years. Apparently there were upwards of hundreds of women. And it took like five to eight years or something like that for him to be caught. And he's in prison now. But the story is just about how hard it is, not only what women go through, but how hard

Starting point is 00:05:58 it is for women to be believed in that situation. And not just by the police, but by like their partners, those around them. And it's infuriating. I want to put a disclaimer like it's all about sexual assault and not being believed. So if that is triggering for you, absolutely do not watch it. But I just thought the messaging was so powerful. I remember reading a little bit about this. I didn't actually realize it had been made into a documentary,

Starting point is 00:06:21 but I read a little bit about this a couple of weeks ago. And the story is horrific. The story is horrific, but it's also so infuriating as to how long it went on and how many people had reported the same story and they weren't linked together. I was, I watched it with my sister, Sherry. We were screaming at the TV because it's so frustrating. So, like, I do want to say that. There's part of you, but it's supposed to be.

Starting point is 00:06:41 It's supposed to be. It really happened. You're supposed to be screaming from the rooftops. And he gets found eventually. And I won't say too much. And I just think for what is happening in the world right now, it's really, because I was having the conversations with Ben and Jay, my sister's husband. I was like, do you see how hard it is for women?

Starting point is 00:06:57 To be believed. No one fucking believes them. And they were like, yeah, like, you know that. but they were infuriated as well as the men watching. What's the name of it and where can you watch it? Yeah. So it's believe me, four parts and for in Australia ABC Eye View. Okay, I have a very, look, it's a little home decor, decor, decor, decor.

Starting point is 00:07:16 It's a little home decor. Potato, pot, potato, tomato, but... It is. Investigative. So we have a lot of photo booth photos. Whenever we are anywhere where there's a photo booth with the kids, Matt and I will always get a photo as a family. And it's kind of like, for us, it's like a little time capsule. We have so many of them in the house. We always stick them on the fridge. But sticking them

Starting point is 00:07:39 on the fridge always means that like they get damaged or the corners get dogged. And I really want to keep them. Like I love our little photo booth photos. I think that there's like, they're so retro. They're so sweet. Recently, I had a random Facebook ad pop up and I was like, you know what? I'm going to dealie. I'm going to dally. They get you. Don't they? And I bought one of these frames. Now, The company is called Stonebridge Frames and they create specific photo booth frames with these beautiful mounts. They're like really lovely. The ones that we have just like a beautiful walnut wood frame around the edges. And they come with all these different mounts.

Starting point is 00:08:13 Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. That's stunning. It's so sweet. I've never found like a really good quality like beautifully made homewares that is for photo booth photos. But then you just put one strip in. So actually the photo booth.

Starting point is 00:08:28 photos that we have are not quite the right side. So I put two strips simultaneously, kind of like in a long strip, if that makes sense. But they're really, really cute and like they're so nice. I've got two of them now. I've popped them up in the house. I know they're just photo frames, but just a cute idea. It's just a really, really sweet idea. They're really well made. They're beautiful quality. And I've never found like really good photo booth frames before. And I think that they're so sweet. So if you have photo booth photos hanging around, go and get yourself some frames. Rock on, Laura. Rock on. Let's get into your questions. Question number one. I have a question about the etiquette, morality of staying friends with your ex-partners family.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Now, for some backstory, my ex-fiancee and I were together from when I was 16 until 29. Very formative years. That's massive. Yeah. And like their family becomes your family, you know? It's like 14 years. Yeah, long time. Great maths.

Starting point is 00:09:16 He ended our relationship because he decided he didn't want children. It was a long and very messy breakup and also a very messy healing process. But years later, I found my penguin. We are now engaged and have two beautiful. children together. My ex's sister and sister-in-law have remained in my life. They are genuinely my friends, not just my ex's sisters. We see each other regularly and our kids, who were all born after the breakup, have become friends and have playdates together. I'm completely over my ex, and I have no desire to rekindle anything. My fiancé is also very secure in our relationship and has absolutely no

Starting point is 00:09:50 issue with these friendships. However, I've always drawn the line at attending their children's birthday parties or other events where I know my ex and my ex's parents will be, out of respect for my ex and his new girlfriend. But now it's been more than seven years. And the more time passes, the more I wonder whether I'm unnecessarily removing myself from events that I'd actually really like to attend. We've recently been invited to a big birthday party. And I assume that my ex and his family will be there too. I genuinely want to go. I want to celebrate my friend. But I wonder whether that's just crossing a line. So where is the line? I would love to hear what you think. I think this is absolutely fine.

Starting point is 00:10:27 Fair game. I mean, I think you're doing the right thing. It would probably be different if you're going to catch up with the sisters and sister-in-laws when your ex was there all the time. But you're not. You're just maintaining a friendship that you had for 14 years. That is like half of your life. I don't know how old you are, but that's a big chunk of time. I think if you're going to a big, if you know there's a big birthday party that he's going to be at,

Starting point is 00:10:48 is your fiancé invited as well? Are you guys just going to as a couple? I'm going to assume so. It's pretty weird to invite just one of you. you know, when you're locked and loaded. I would just play on. I don't think you need to exclude yourself from that. It's only if it was going to be like a really common theme that you were going to the family

Starting point is 00:11:05 house or you're always seeing him in different environments. But if you're just catching up with these people outside of that, I think they're two separate things. They're no longer your ex's sister-in-laws. They're your friends. Yeah. And I think it's the time and the distance between it. I think because of so much time that's passed, it's a reset on the friendship and it's a reset on

Starting point is 00:11:24 a relationship. I don't think that you're overstepping a boundary. If anything, I think you have been so considered in allowing so much space and time between having to have those encounters. Like, he's had plenty of time. And I think you have a genuine friendship with his sister. You genuinely spend time with her children. Your children have a relationship with her children. I think now it's fine. Enough times probably passed for him as well to not be weirded out or invested in it. I think I would say use this event. guessing it's her birthday party, like the sister's birthday party. I would say use that as like a tester. It breaks the waters. You go there. You bring your partner. You make sure that she's cool.

Starting point is 00:12:03 Obviously, she's cool with it. She's invited you. And if it feels comfortable and fine, then I think that that's a nice way that you can potentially start to go to more events and stuff. But I think you've been really respectful in this. And I think I would say if you had any little inkling that you weren't completely over your ex, I would tell you not to go. Yeah. But by all accounts, you are. Or would you keep going, though, to these types of events if he was weird? Like if he was weird about it or he made a deal about it, would you still keep going? No, if he was like to his sister, I really don't want, I don't want to see her.

Starting point is 00:12:34 She's this huge part of my life. I loved her so much. It was a bad, whatever. If he was uncomfortable with it, I probably wouldn't go because I can't be bothered with the drama. And it's not the end of the world. But I was, I know, I mean, I was with my first boyfriend for eight years. And I still now am friends with his sister. Like I still now hang out with him.

Starting point is 00:12:52 No, but we used to catch up all the time. She's only one year older than me and we were really good friends. I think when you were that close to a family for so long, like some partners aren't close to their family, so there's no connection. But we were young. We started dating at 16. We were like childhood sweethearts. And so like they're the days when you go to their house to see your boyfriend and their whole family's there because they still live at home.

Starting point is 00:13:12 And so you develop that kind of a connection. So it's so normal. He would not care if I caught up with her. We wouldn't even tell him. It was so far removed that we were just friends. And it's absolutely fine because we'd all moved on from the situation. Yeah, but, you know, there is something to unpack here around like how difficult sometimes a breakup can be, not just because you're breaking up with the person, but because you're

Starting point is 00:13:32 breaking up with the family. Like, you can become so entrenched in someone's family. You can be so close to their mom and to or to their dad, you know, to their siblings. You could be an auntie to their nephew and niece. All of those things exist. And then when you go through this breakup, there is this untangling that happens not just from the relationship. but from the family as well.

Starting point is 00:13:52 And I remember my mum crying when I broke up with this boyfriend. Like she was beside herself. I understand why. Well, yeah, she was like another son for like eight years. I had a really tricky situation happen when I went through a bad breakup. I really got along with his mom. And his mom and I had a great relationship. And she would call me.

Starting point is 00:14:08 We would talk about her going dating. And like she had a, I mean, she had other children as well. But I don't think that they were okay with the fact that she'd started dating. And she'd started trying to get out there again. And so she really confided in me. And we had like a really nice friendship. And so we would talk quite a bit. And half the time I would talk to her and her own son hadn't even spoken to her.

Starting point is 00:14:29 And so when we broke up, she was still in contact with me for quite a long time. And it got to a point where I was like, this is not healthy for me. I can't be giving updates on your son and like what he's doing in his life. And I don't want that link. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. But she would still contact me for years afterwards. And, you know, it took a really long time to untangle myself.

Starting point is 00:14:49 self, not from the relationship. The relationship ended really severely, but from the family, you know, it's hard. I understand why you have maintained this friendship. I think it's so genuinely honest that the friendship now has nothing to do with the relationship. It stands alone. It has become its own friendship and own relationship. And I think with years between it, the fact that you have your own children now, the fact that you've both moved on, I think it's fair game. I think it's absolutely not crossing a line to now finally be like, hey, you know what, I'm going to go to Sarah's birthday party. Yeah, play on. Yeah, play on. All right, question two. This one came into the Facebook group, but we didn't publish it. Now, it's going to make you rage, I think, and it's from a guy.

Starting point is 00:15:34 I've been dating this girl as a friends with benefits for maybe six months, but we're getting a bit more serious now, as in we spend whole weeks together and we're about to meet the other's family. She's a great chick. We're extremely compatible in bed. She gives me very little drama and we click. The issue is she's not as attractive as I like and I'm a little embarrassed by it. Fuck. I know all the ladies in the group are going to call me shallow, blah, blah, blah, lull.

Starting point is 00:16:00 But let's be honest here. People date in their same range of looks all the time. I can't see myself giving her the relationship she wants because I am just not attracted to her the way that she is attracted to me. Do I tell her this and break her heart? Do I make up another pretend reason to break up with her to save her some pain? Do I just keep nailing her? Do I keep her discreet forever?

Starting point is 00:16:22 This, hang on one more. Oh, stop. Do I keep her discreet forever? I do want to keep searching for another lady more suited to me. Do I keep this one running in the background while I quote, try others out? I just want to clarify this. So this is an actual real question that came into the Facebook group. We did not publish this question.

Starting point is 00:16:45 And because of some other quite, hmm, problematic comments that were made by this particular individual, we actually deleted them and removed them from the Life Uncut Discussion Group, which if you're not a member of, you should go and sign up to. You don't have to sign up to Patreon. You can just join that one for free. It's free. But we wanted to discuss it. Now, this person is a flock.

Starting point is 00:17:08 Like, you are an absolute flock. And it is very rare that I would be so unkind in my summation of someone. But the reality is you, if you're not attracted to her, that's okay. You don't have to be attracted to someone. But saying that you're... But you're not not attracted to her. Totally. You've been seen her for six months having sex with her every day, meeting families, hang out.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Spending a week at a time with her. Like, I'm sorry, that's what makes you a flock. Like, if you weren't attracted from the get-go and you didn't think that, like, you could build that attraction with someone, then you don't lead someone down the garden path, invest six months of their time with you, and like spend a week with them, introduce them to your family, you meet their family only to turn around and say, I'm embarrassed by the way that they look. Like that is, it is so, like, it is just like you are a bad person. Self-entitled, self-indulgent, who the fuck do you think you are?

Starting point is 00:18:03 How dare you? Like, it's really how I feel about this. How dare you feel so entitled to say and to write something like this? And the fact that you are unsure what to do and the possibility of just nailing her in the background while you look for a better option, like that is such, you're such a bad bloke. And there are so many crappy dudes out there. It's not even just the messaging that he uses to indicate that he's a flog. It's the literal words, the way he puts a sentence together, do I keep nailing her in the background while I try others out like we are a car?

Starting point is 00:18:35 that you want to buy, like you've gone to the used car dealership. I'm embarrassed by her. I'm not attracted, but we're very compatible in bed. Sorry, you are attracted to her. You've said she's a great chick. We're very compatible in bed. She gives me little drama. All right, mate. Like, women are on this planet to make sure that you have a good drama-free life. What a wanker. I feel so sorry for this woman. I wish there was some way that you could say, you need to leave this guy, but there is no way to communicate that to who. We don't even know who she is. There's no way to communicate that without hurting your feelings. If this guy, that wrote this Ian is actually a podcast listener.

Starting point is 00:19:08 And listening right now, you need to pull your head out of your ass because this is the most horrible message that we've ever received. You saying you're not attracted to her, but saying everything about her is incredible. I hate to tell you, we don't base our life choices on the way that somebody looks. There is so much more, and this is not groundbreaking, there is so much more to somebody in who they are that makes them attractive to the way they look physically. And she deserves better than you. Yeah, you know what?

Starting point is 00:19:35 I think at the ultimately the end of the day is like she deserves better than this. She deserves better than someone who isn't choosing her because he's embarrassed by the way that she looks. He keeps her discreet. Yeah. And doesn't want to integrate or like make a commitment based on the fact that he thinks he can do better because of how he prides his own sense of looks or what he expects that he could achieve in dating.

Starting point is 00:19:57 Like there's just so, there's so much misogyny in this. But I think more so coming back to the three things that you proposed here, do I tell her the truth. Do I come up with another excuse or do I just keep banging her secretly in the background whilst I look for something better? None of those, you don't need to come up with an excuse. You definitely don't need to tell her the absolute truth. Like I think what you are saying is really, really hurtful. You do need to break up with her. It's also not true. It's also not true. Like just because you feel a certain way doesn't make that the truth. And like you saying to her, oh, actually, I like everything about you, but I just don't think you're attractive enough.

Starting point is 00:20:29 All that's going to do is destroy her self-confidence and destroy the way that she looks at herself. And so I think, like, who are you to take that from her? I would just simply be saying, look, I'm not after what you're after right now. I'm sorry if I've led you to believe that I wanted more. And I would be putting some distance in the relationship because you clearly can't give her what she wants and you clearly can't give her what she deserves. And she absolutely deserves better than the way that you're treating her. And the way that you're speaking about her in discussion groups behind her back.

Starting point is 00:20:57 Yeah, you definitely need to break up with her 100%. But I would be taking a very long, close look in the mirror. and really thinking about what you want because I don't think you are ever going to be happy. If you are trying to base, if this is the way you speak about somebody that you obviously care about, like you've been seeing this person for six months and integrated them into your life, whilst, although that is secretly and discreetly, you must care about this person in some capacity. And if you don't, that's just even worse. And also looks as subjective.

Starting point is 00:21:29 To somebody else, she's going to be an absolute queen and someone's going to be a so lucky to have that woman because they can see a person as a whole package and who that person is. And that's what she deserves. I just think pull your head out of him. But I'll... Well, anyway, don't worry. He's not part of the group anymore, guys. Yeah. Wow. Bye-bye. Okay. Next question. Oh, it's a good one. This is a good one. I like this one. My boyfriend still has a blankie. Now, I've been with my boyfriend for four years now. And about three months into us dating, he revealed to me a blankie. The he keeps... in his bed named Tatey, that his mum gave to him when he was a baby.

Starting point is 00:22:08 It was part of a sarong that she had and he always enjoyed touching and playing with it. At first, I mean, I didn't care that much, but now four years on, I wonder at what age does he decide he doesn't need it anymore or that it's just a bit strange to still have it. He says it calms him down and he genuinely looks for it every night, so it's become part of his nightly routine. I feel bad, but I do wonder, when will the time be up for extra content? He does wash it, but only every few months. It's very small, and he also has a smaller version of it that he once gave to me when I was having a bad night.

Starting point is 00:22:41 I have not touched it since, lull. Thanks, girls. Love the pod. I want to be careful with this one. I want to say it's fine, but I also want to be like, I understand whether it comes from. Yes, I feel the same. I'm very Switzerland. I don't want to yuck anyone's yum.

Starting point is 00:22:57 This is where I think the line is. I understand the wanting to keep it. Like it's nostalgic. It's something that brought you comfort as a child. It reminds you of your mom. I understand all those things. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel a bit like that he sleeps in the bed with it and he can't go to bed with it and he seeks it out at night.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Like that's too far for me. I think I'd be like, hey, happy for you to keep that heirloom. Why don't we pop that on the dresser? Why don't we hang it on the wool? Why don't we hang it on the hat rack? You can keep it in your vicinity if you want. But I think the idea of going to bed with a grown man that has to, and the fact that it has a name for some reason, like, Tatey.

Starting point is 00:23:34 Of course it does, though. Like, it's a blankie. It's a binky. I know. It's rabbi. If you're, sorry, if you're about to get in bed with a man, it's like, sorry, where's Tatey? I can't get to bed. As much as it's like, okay to do what you want and have your comfort, I'd just be lying

Starting point is 00:23:48 if I was like, if we're about to have sex and you're like, I can't, where's Tatee. Like, it's just a, for me, it's a bit too much. That's when you have to say, sweetie. I hatey, Tady. Because I hate you, Tady. I hate you, Tady needs to go on the hat wrap. I hate he, tady. I hate saying that because, like, I understand there's nothing.

Starting point is 00:24:07 Maybe there is something wrong with it, actually. Maybe the fact that you need a comfort from your mom as a grown man and something that you have as a child. Maybe there is. I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. You understand whether it comes from. Look, this screams.

Starting point is 00:24:17 Do you remember the guy from Maff's with Teddy? What was his name again? I can't remember. Joel. Joel and the Teddy. Joel is the first person I thought of. Joel and the Teddy. Okay.

Starting point is 00:24:26 And I want to say this. I don't think that there's anything wrong with a man who has a teddy. It is not like, I mean, I know that it kind of redefines our concept of masculinity. I know it kind of challenges the way in which we think a man should behave. But I also do think that if I was genuinely in the situation where I was dating someone and they brought out a teddy that they have to cuddle every night before going to sleep, I would probably be like, do you know what? It makes me feel a little bit strange.

Starting point is 00:24:53 I have a bit of a nick from this. Onis back on. Undies are on. I am dry. If Tadie or the teddy is coming to bed, the undies are on. Like you become Sahara. You can't help it. It's a physiological response.

Starting point is 00:25:05 It's like science. I'm a woman to science. But I understand. And I agree with you, Britt, I want to be careful because I don't want to shame something that clearly is a support for him. But, you know, look, and I know I don't want to jump to conclusions. I think sometimes it is the easy place to land. He may be neurodivergent.

Starting point is 00:25:20 It may be something that he uses as part of his way of regulating himself. I think that they are things that need to be considered. Because if he is, then I understand why it might be harder for. him to part from his very specific nightly routine. He might need that nightly routine to deregulate. It's something he's done his whole life. In which case, I do say that sometimes if you're choosing the person, you've got to choose some of the quirks that come with them. And if you're four years deep, if you're four years deep and you know that this is something that he does and it's something that is part of the relationship, then I think like you have to just accept that maybe

Starting point is 00:25:54 that is his quirk and that is who he is. And because you're so close to him, you see the most vulnerable parts of his personality and that is that at night time he fucking rubs a blanket before he goes to bed or part of a sarong. But what I do want to say is I understand why that makes you feel the way you feel. I think both things can be true at the same time. And the big question is, can you live with it? Can you accept that weird quirk that he has because you love him enough that it's worth accepting that quirk for the relationship? And only you can answer that question. Why does he have a mini version that he gives to people. Like that, he's got a mini version that he's got for emergencies.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Do you know why he has a mini version? Because he probably keeps that in his pocket. That's why I think he's neurodivergent. He probably has a mini version because when he's stressed or anxious, he can keep that with him and no one knows it's there. Look, I'm going, I 100% agree with you. And it's a sensory thing. If he's neurodivergent, 100%, you can forget every single thing that we said.

Starting point is 00:26:52 I'm only making the assumption that he's not. And I guess I'm answering like he's not because I would have assumed after four and a half years, she would have included that information or she wouldn't. If you are dating someone, you're a divergent, which I have done in the past, you know what they need to make their life easier. You know, you just know. Like, there's no way you wouldn't know when you're four and a half years deep. So I'm just making a blanket statement.

Starting point is 00:27:16 There was no pun intended to do that. Making a sarong statement. A strong. A strong. I know. It was not another joke. I'm not telling you you need to go on bird. it. I don't think that is the right thing to do. But I think it's okay to be like, let's leave

Starting point is 00:27:29 Blanky on the side table. Like it doesn't have to be in the bed with you every night if it's making you feel an ick. If it's not making you feel like an ink and you think it's just quote unquote weird, I just play on a little bit because you've been doing it for four years. I guess I want to know what part of it is making you uncomfortable. Is it the fact that he doesn't wash it? Is the fact that he has to look for it? Is it the fact that he needs it? Because you've sat through it for four years and it's been okay. Have you all of a sudden gotten an ick? Has he started to refer to it by name. Like, I wonder what it is that after four years has pushed you over the edge where you're thinking, I need to do something about this. Do you have anything that

Starting point is 00:28:04 you've had since you're a kid that you held on to? Yeah, a shark egg. You have a shark egg that you found at the beach? You rub it at night time on your cheek. I found a Wobbegong shark egg when I was really little. And it's a really cool spiral shark egg. And for some reason, it was my prized possession. And I have, it's like the only thing I don't have teddy's from my little. I don't have teddy's from kids. I don't have anything. I just kept this shark egg. I am. I'm really unsentimental. Yeah, same. It's almost bizarre, I think, how unsentimental I am. I get overwhelmed by clutter, even though I live in a house full of piles and clutter. You'd never know. But I just do like a purge. And I, growing up, I had this like wicker chest, right, that I used to keep everything in.

Starting point is 00:28:46 It was kind of like a dowry chest at the end of the bed. And I have my yearbooks in it. I had my Pops, funeral card, I had pressed flowers from big events, I had letters that I'd written myself as a little kid of like things I wanted when I was older. I had letters from friends. Like, it was the most treasure trove of childhood memories. The cards from my boyfriend at the time, all this is stuff. I just one night in an absolute frenzy of, I think I'd gone through a breakup and it was like a frenzy of like, I need to clean my leather. I just threw it out in the street and cancer clean up. Just pick the whole chest up. Because someone, that's what someone wants, your old love letters. And I put it, no, it went to the tip. And I sometimes,

Starting point is 00:29:21 I just think about that because I'm like, you know, now I look back on it and I feel sad. I feel sad that I don't have those things. Like I would have loved to have been able to take my yearbooks and show my kids like, you know, things that have happened at school or my school uniform that had all the signatures on it. Things like that, I would have loved to have retained them. But I just kind of go through these weird outbursts of like, Tatey's in the bin. I don't know. So I find this part of me finds, I guess, like coming back to the question, I find it really

Starting point is 00:29:49 interesting that someone still has this thing that regulates them from being a child. And I also do think if you can try and change your mentality towards it a little bit, there's something really vulnerable about the fact that he shared that with you because he probably has told no one. Like none of his friends would know this. Only the people that he feels closest to. And the fact that three months into you dating and being in a relationship, he shared this with you, there is a part of this that shows incredible vulnerability, a closeness and also a real challenge. against our norms of masculinity. So I don't completely hate it.

Starting point is 00:30:23 I want to validate that I understand why you think it's a bit strange. But I do think if you can try and see it as like, you're in his most inner circle. He trusts you so much with this. And it's a very vulnerable thing for him to share. And also, you're not telling us this three months deep. You're four and a half years deep. Like it's obviously a part of his life. And as much as I say, like, I would probably be a bit weird about it when I think about.

Starting point is 00:30:46 I've never been in that situation. but also if it's not harming anyone, and he did say it calms him down. So does he suffer from extreme anxiety? Is there something else that he's suffering from? There has to be some other feeling that he is feeling to want it and search it out every night. That's why I think he's neurodivergent, I guess. And maybe she just hasn't included that.

Starting point is 00:31:06 And if that's the case, then you know he needs that. I would just, if you, for some reason, have never spoken about it in depth, ask him. Out of curiosity, don't attack him. and be like, why is it that you feel like you need to sleep with that every night? Like, what does it do for you? What would happen if you didn't? Like, do you feel like you can't sleep? Like, just be curious, I think.

Starting point is 00:31:26 Be inquisitive. But if it's not hurting anyone, you've lasted this long. He could be cheating on you. That'd be way worse. No one, he's not cheating with anyone with Titi. What's his name? Tadie. Tadie's not, you're not rocking up for a one-night's day with Tatey.

Starting point is 00:31:39 Imagine if Ben rocked up to my house and he's like, sorry, I brought my blanket. I'd about what? I'd still fuck him. I'd still would have done it. You know, how like there's those. memes on Instagram, which is like the reasons why I know my husband's not cheating on me. And it's like, he's like in a room playing, like, gaming or whatever. And she's like, the reasons why I know my husband's not cheating me.

Starting point is 00:31:54 He's just rubbing a blanket on his face. Unless you're using it as like a blindfold. All right. Let's get to the next question. Last question. So my friend has been with her now husband since she was 18. He was her first serious relationship, her first sexual partner and her first and only boyfriend. In the very early days of being 18, she flirted with a few guys here and there.

Starting point is 00:32:14 but when she met her now husband, that was it for her. They fell completely in love. They've now been married for almost four years and she genuinely loves him dearly. She has always considered him her person and never thought that she would find herself questioning anything. Recently, completely out of the blue, a guy she met when she was 18 messaged her. They had flirted a little back then, but nothing ever happened between them. His messages have now become increasingly flirty and he has said things like, I miss you so much. She gets the feeling that in his mind, she was the one that got away. And unfortunately, it has really gotten into her head. She has started wondering, what if? What if she had explored more before settling down? What would it be like to

Starting point is 00:32:56 experience someone else sexually? What has she missed out on by only ever being with one person? She feels absolutely awful for even having these thoughts because she genuinely loves her husband. She doesn't want to hurt him. And she certainly doesn't want to throw away a marriage over a fantasy or curiosity about something that she's never experienced. But at the same time, she's struggling with the feeling that perhaps there's a part of her that never got to explore who she was outside this relationship. She hasn't cheated, but she knows that continuing to entertain these conversations could potentially cross a line, and that scares her.

Starting point is 00:33:26 What should she do? So do we know how old they are? I know it says I got together at 18, now I'm married for almost four years, but we don't know how long they're actually together. Do you know what the thing is here? What she's feeling is so normal. I absolutely would be feeling the same thing. if I had only ever been with one person my entire life, I don't know if there are many humans

Starting point is 00:33:48 on the planet that wouldn't have a thought process of, I wonder what it's like to kiss someone else, to have sex with someone else, to be in a relationship with someone else, how somebody else would love me and treat me. And I think that's really normal unless you are over, uber religious and you are like a virgin into marriage, you marry the one person, and that's like in your heart of hearts, your faith that you believe in. I can't imagine many people aren't going to have that like, wow, I wonder what sex with someone else is like. He's the only person you've ever been with. I think that's super normal. But I think your friend, it's very tricky for you, but I think your friend needs to understand if it's just a curiosity because if it is just a curiosity

Starting point is 00:34:29 without any other further desire, I'd say that's normal. If she's having proper desires and thinking of crossing lines, then it's getting into really dangerous territory. I am, look, I think, yeah, sure. Of course you're going to have questions as to like, you know, did I settle down, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's fine. But don't entertain messaging this guy.

Starting point is 00:34:48 The only reason why you're having those thoughts and feelings. Because he messaged you. It's because he messaged you, showed you attention, and it feels good to get attention. That's all this is. Like, I think remove the attention, remove the temptation, stop messaging him back. He doesn't miss you.

Starting point is 00:35:03 He doesn't think you're the one that got away. That's ridiculous. That is the most... He might, but I doubt it. This is a guy who is lonely, has nothing else going on in his life. He's bored and it's easy for him to get the thrill of messaging a married woman because there's no commitment, responsibility, whatever. This is the most dangerous version of a person to be like romanticizing what could or couldn't happen.

Starting point is 00:35:26 Oh, maybe that is the most dangerous person you should do. this with. And I would tell you that absolutely nothing good will come of this. Don't question your relationship, your commitment, a fantastic marriage that you have just because you met someone young. And I know that some people will think, oh, but you haven't tried, you've missed out, blah, blah, blah. Maybe you just got really fucking lucky and met a great person, really young, fell in love, didn't have a lot of the complications that a lot of people have when they're dating and trying to figure out what they do and don't want. And I say this because one of my very, very good friends met her partner. He was the first sexual experience that she'd ever had. They have been together for God,

Starting point is 00:36:05 like 18 years. They are so happily married. They are living an incredible life. And I remember that there was one time very early on in their relationship where she was like, is, and it was, it wasn't like it was a long stemming conversation, but it was a thought. And she brought it up. And it was maybe a short period where she was thinking it. And she was like, like, is this it forever? have anything to compare it to, so is this as good as it is? Or would I have something better if there was, you know, a comparative? And the reality is, is no, absolutely not. She met her person and she got lucky and she didn't have to wade through the absolute dregs of shitty dating to figure that out. Also, she's definitely romanticising it because saying a guy she met when

Starting point is 00:36:47 she was 18 has recently messaged her, like a guy she met at 18. Which is that you're not the one that got away when you didn't actually even have a relationship or know each other. When it's someone you met briefly and you had a vibe with. Totally. You didn't get away from anything. You got away from someone you barely knew. I think the reason why I feel strongly about this is because it is so flattering to receive that. And I think that there is a temptation that's there.

Starting point is 00:37:12 If she was having these thoughts and feelings spontaneously, like if she was in her marriage and she was like, I have this feeling that I am missing out, I have this feeling that I settle down too quickly or I'm just not that connected to my husband. But they haven't arrived spontaneously. They have arrived as a result of some dude messaging her and then persistently pursuing that he misses her and feels a certain way. And I think that those feelings of lust and intrigue and curiosity can be created by the pursuit.

Starting point is 00:37:42 And that is what's happening with him. I would not trust if this was me and I was 23 again and I was married and this was my situation, I would not trust my judgment or the promises that someone else is making about their feelings when I am in a great marriage that I have been happy, secure and I love my husband in. I just stop messaging this guy. It's so obvious. Kicking the ball down the field a little bit. Let's just say, let's take the angle of she has been thinking about the what ifs even before, not what ifs with him, but like what is it like with someone else? She can also have those conversations with her husband. Like the answer

Starting point is 00:38:17 is not to stray and cheat emotionally or physically. It's just not the answer in any relationship. but you can have an open conversation with your partner and that might be difficult to approach depending on your relationship. Have you ever thought about being with anyone else? Do you ever think about it? Have you ever thought about opening the relationship? Do you think you'll be happy with just being with me for the rest of my life? There are definitely ways you can spark a conversation in your own relationship if you are

Starting point is 00:38:42 deeply having these thoughts because I would just hate for somebody to be thinking about this and their answer is to cheat because that's just so heartbreaking for everyone involved. Totally. And also, I think that the answer is just not pursuing this type of conversation. Cut this guy off. He is not the one. You didn't miss out on a relationship with him specifically. That's what I want to get really clear. I think be careful. Unless you've been feeling these feelings for a long time and they are undeniable feelings of dissatisfaction in your relationship, dissatisfaction around like missing out, I would be very careful about sitting down with your husband and saying, I'm having these feelings about, you know, thinking I settled down too quickly

Starting point is 00:39:25 or that you're not the one. I worry that you are moving very quickly into a territory where you're going to create a lot of insecurity, like sitting down with your husband and being like, hey, all of a sudden, for three months I've been feeling this way, when you know it's because of this line of messaging, all that's going to do is build insecurity in your husband. It's going to build like a rocky foundation. I would not be jumping to conversations around opening up your marriage. Like that's just... No, but you also can. Like, you're allowed to have that conversation with your husband if you've truly felt that

Starting point is 00:39:55 before this person entered the chat. Yeah, but you'd want to feel it for a long period of time where it's an undeniable thing to discuss. I wouldn't just be casually throwing around the possibility of opening my relationship because I thought it once. I know me as a person and I can 100%, almost 100%, obviously 99.9% because no one can say 100% or something they don't know. If I settled down at 18 with one person, I had never been with anyone else,

Starting point is 00:40:19 I know I would be feeling exactly these things. Even if my relationship was perfect and nothing had happened. If I had been with him from 18, I was now 35, I had never experienced anything else. I know who I am as a person and curiosity would get the better of me. I'm not saying I would cheat. I would have those feelings of what's it like to be with someone else. I'm not made like that. I'm not made to have been with one person my entire life.

Starting point is 00:40:44 But I'm lucky in a way that I found the love of my life at 35. I had experienced other people. So I do get the feelings, but I just think the feelings have been ignited for the wrong reason in her situation. Yeah, and I do agree with that, but I also think, Brit, you're just not the personality of someone

Starting point is 00:41:00 who would have gotten married that young. No, that's what I'm saying. So, like, I think it's hard to take, I think it's not fair to take your experience and your life experience as someone who is, you know, in their late 30s who met their partner later in life and go, if I was that young and I'd gotten married, I'd feel like this,

Starting point is 00:41:17 because the reality is, is when you were that young, you never would, you left a relationship for this reason. But if he had a proposed to me, I was a different person at 18. If he proposed, we had bought a house together at 20. We had two dogs. We were together eight years. If he proposed to me, I would have said yes. And it would have ended down the track.

Starting point is 00:41:34 But at who I was at 18, we had talked about having four kids. By the time I was 30, I would have been married with the white pick of fence with four kids. Like that was my plan from when I was really young. And it just slowly changed. But if my, if that partner of eight years had proposed. hands down I would have said yes and I know now in high insight that would have been a mistake but who I was at that time he was my world and he was the best person that I ever was going to find there was not another person I would look sideways at that's truly how I felt and I have a friend

Starting point is 00:42:06 I was talking to her last night actually who got with her partner they were both 16 they are now 38 only ever been together married two kids so happy like it worked out perfectly perfectly for them. But I know a lot of people aren't, that's, that's lucky. Like a lot of people, you're not the same person at 18 as 25 as 35. And for some people it works, but I understand why 10 years might go past and you guys have grown in different directions. I just think it's just not a straightforward. Yeah. No. And I think in this, you're never going to grow as a couple, though, and you're never going to maintain and stay on the same path and grow together and change. And like, even though you're going to grow and turn into different people through your 20s and your 30s or

Starting point is 00:42:47 whatever, the ambition is to try and do it together, to try and do that growth alongside each other. You're never going to grow alongside each other if you're texting and miss you to some dude you met when you were 18. Absolutely agree on that. So like that, regardless of where you end in the next few years around your feelings or your friend's feelings. I know, I reckon it is the friend.

Starting point is 00:43:06 I don't know. She's written for herself. It was very specific. So I feel like it's for her. But like regardless of where that ends up in the next few years time, you cannot continue speaking to this guy. that needs to end. The end.

Starting point is 00:43:18 Just a quick side note before we wrap. Today, speaking of like long relationships, my parents got together at 20. Today is their 49th anniversary. That is crazy. 49 years. That is amazing. I think or is it 48.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Who knows? Who knows? Who's counting? Them? Well, I think actually they lose. I think you lose count. I was just thinking we're in the group chat this morning. Imagine 50 years of being with the same person. They have been married for like 11, 12 years longer than I've been on this earth.

Starting point is 00:43:45 And when you think about it like that, I'm like, and they are not a couple that spends time apart. They don't have their own lives. Like, they are a couple that are together every single day. I reckon they could count the days on two hands that they've ever spent apart in 50 years. I love that. It's, fuck. It's so, it's like what dreams are made of. So, hey, it can happen.

Starting point is 00:44:03 Happy, happy wedding anniversary to Tony and Nikki. Yeah, happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. Love you guys. And guys, that is it from us. If you haven't joined our Patreon yet, just letting you know, we do have a very big episode coming out on Wednesday. this week, which is like all of the unpack of Brit, pregnancy, exciting stuff, that is all happening. But if you want to get like a little pre-exclusive on that, we dropped an episode on Thursday. So that's already there in the Patreon.

Starting point is 00:44:28 It's $6.99 a month. Or if you sign up for the year, you get 20% off your full year membership. Yeah. Britt has already answered some questions. Look, a little... A ranza baby that is in the room. It's a precursor to the episode that we're doing it on Wednesday. But yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:42 It was also very much recorded in the moment. because when we did our interview, that was like the second straight afterwards. So we had had like an episode together. Britt then told me and that was recorded straight afterwards. So like, what do we do now? It's a great episode. So go and listen to that. But yeah, anyway, guys, that's it from us and you know the drill.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Tea mum, tea, dad, two dog, tea, friends and share the love because we love love.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut: A Question So Bad We Kicked Him From The FB Group

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