Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT -Am I a bad feminist?

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

It's Therapy Thursday legends. So Laura is on holidays and her podcasting equipment died in the ass, so the into to this chat might sound a little different to what you're used to.First up we are talking about what everyone in Australia is talking about, little Cleo Smith was found 'alive and well'.Then we are answering your deep dark and burning questions :HELP! I love my job, and my boss but I don't know how to ask for a pay rise?My friends hate my boyfriend?I'm the breadwinner in our house, my boyfriend wants to pursue entrepreneurial endeavours, except he also sleeps in until midday and expects me to pay more for everything. Am I a bad feminist?If you've loved this episode please, leave a review, hit 5 stars, share the love!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. This is Ask Uncut, your Thursday edition, your down and dirty edition where you write your deep dark burning questions and we do our best to answer them i'm britney and i'm laura and i am coming to you guys from byron bay could i sound like any more of an influencer right now but firstly i just want to say if i sound a little bit weird on this record it is because i packed my roadcaster i packed my microphones like brit and i we are well skilled at doing these remote recordings now however i got here and the whole thing is carked it so i'm currently recording this over zoom just like the old days now i just want to reiterate for you guys that

don't know the roadcaster is the machine we're recording it's like the size of a suitcase it's got all these cords and we take our microphones i managed to take mine laura around the world with me you had one trip to byron bay god knows what has happened in your luggage i don't know but it carked it anyway we are so determined to bring you guys the episode so we've made do we've got a backup plan it's going to be fine but what it does mean is that the start of this episode might sound a little bit different to the rest of the episode, but we're committed. We're here for you guys. Totally. Just persevere. I swear that this is just the intro chat. We actually recorded all of the questions before I left a couple of days ago, but we thought we wanted to make sure that

the intro was in real time, just in case anything crazy or wild happened in the world. And something crazy and wild did happen in the world and everybody's talking about it. And I honestly just can't even tell you, I was in tears today when the news broke that little Cleo in Western Australia was found. If anybody doesn't know this news, you've been living under a rock, but it was just the most incredible thing when that news broke. Honestly, there is no better news that anyone I think in Australia or around the world that followed this case. There's nothing more that you want to hear than a child that has been missing has been found safe and well. But if anyone doesn't know, we'll give you a quick backstory. I'm like, I'm making an assumption

that Australia knows, but if you don't, little Cleo Smith, she's a four-year-old girl and on October 16 so I think I can't do the math right now but it's about 19 or 20 days ago she was taken from her tent in a sleeping bag like at the start it was a bit like what's happened has she gotten up and walked out of the tent on her own and then gotten lost in the middle of the night that's actually what they thought happened at the beginning they were searching land everywhere they were searching the ocean they thought she had just wandered off it just wasn't fathomable that somebody could go into the tent while the whole family is sleeping and take a child it turned into a criminal case they started to search for this man now I don't know and I cannot

wait until the police do release this information I don't know how they managed to track her down but it is the most amazing police work and I think every single person that has searched non-stop 24 hours a day for the last few weeks for this little girl needs a reward it's absolutely incredible and it just goes to show you what can happen when everybody comes together and we do have some amazing police work. I'm just ecstatic. And I actually can't believe we got this outcome. I think all of Australia yesterday cried tears of joy that Cleo was found. And I know that there were so many people in our Facebook group who are sharing news articles. And if you haven't been following the story, basically yesterday, the Deputy Police Commissioner, Cole Blanche,

sent out a press release that was about 4am in the morning to say that Cleo had been found in a home in Carnarvon, which is the same area that she's from. It's the same area that she went missing from. They picked her up and the police commissioner said that the officer who found her went into the house. She was found in a bedroom in this house from a man who is completely unrelated to the family. So there is definitely so much more information that's going to come out there, but they picked her up and asked her what her name is. And her response was, hi, my name is Cleo. And that I think just is the most incredible thing. The craziest thing about this, and I guess, I mean, it is crazy, but it's not, but for the

first time ever the state government offered a one million dollar reward to help find Cleo now they haven't said yet no one has released to say that the information which may have inevitably helped them find Cleo and taking this man to custody we don't know if that actually came because of the reward but what they are saying is it's highly likely it did because a one million dollar reward all of a sudden people are remembering things people are phoning up to talk about things that probably they didn't think were relevant but all of a sudden when there's money involved and it should not be like that but people start to think maybe that little bit of information is relevant and the neighbors came forward and said you know what this is a 36 year

old man that they have in custody they said you know what we actually did see him shopping and he was buying nappies and we thought well that's a bit weird because he doesn't have a kid but at the time you don't really think about it and you don't think the person next door to you in this tight-knit community of Carnarvon there's only 4,000 people there's no way you think that he would have done that that he would have that little girl locked inside this room totally and I guess like one of the things that stood out so much from all the media and press releases that came out yesterday was you know and everyone wants to know how she is like how is Cleo what has happened people want to know they want answers to these questions but the overarching statement

that came out was that she is alive and well and I think as absolutely joyful and happy that everybody is that she has been found I just I read that and I was like alive and well like what does that even mean when you've been abducted for 18 days and I know that there's privacy and everything else that goes around these sorts of things and maybe we'll never know what happened and maybe we shouldn't know like I mean it's none of our business really the most important thing is that she's safe but I just read that sentence and I was like alive and well how the fuck can you be well after you've been kidnapped for 18 days from your home my heart absolutely breaks for her family and they've come out and spoken a lot about the online trolling that they'd experienced during this time

I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it would be surviving those 18, 19 days without your child and not knowing what had happened to them, but also experiencing the social and public commentary of people accusing you or thinking that you might have some involvement in this is just so harrowing and horrific. But all in all, and not to start this conversation off with a negative conversation, because it is honestly just the most wonderful news that she has been found, but this is the biggest thing that's happened in Australia. and we can't not talk about it.

Everybody is talking about it. Yeah, and just before we get into the episode, I just wanted to add one more thing. I can't stress enough something that Laura just said. I absolutely don't think we will ever know what happened to her and I don't think we should. I don't think any of us is entitled to know. I think that that is something that the family will deal with in private.

As much as the public are invested, we should be invested to a point where we've helped get Cleo back and we're happy for her welfare and we're happy that she's back home and safe and I think that that's where it ends. So anyway, team, I know that that is probably a little bit of a different conversation and a different introduction than we usually do on Life Uncut, especially on Ask Uncut, but there's just no way we couldn't touch base on this because it is the best news we're going to hear, possibly this year, but definitely this week.

And we're just so ecstatic that little Cleo has been found. And on that note, it is time to get into the questions. So question number one, I'm going to kick start this off, Laura. I was hoping you guys could give me some advice on how to ask my boss for a pay rise. I have been in the hospitality industry for 10 years and have spent the last five in upper management and completing a degree in hospitality management in 2017. As I'm only young, I'm 24, I feel as though my skills are somewhat being taken for granted being a young female.

I love my job. I love my employer, but I'm at the stage of my career where I'm really realizing my worth and I don't want to keep working for the salary that I'm on when I know I could be getting paid more elsewhere. P.S. My boss and I have become really close recently and we have a really jovial slash professional relationship. We often have a wine after work. She invites me over for dinner.

I'm just a bit worried that asking for a pay rise might hinder the great working relationship that I have with her. Please help. We all want more money. Everyone wants more money. I want more money. and you sounds like you deserve it you've done your due diligence you've done your studies you've been in it for 10 years but actually i have one little question you're only 24 but you've been

in for 10 years were you working at 14 yeah she's probably been working hospitality since 14 and six months is that how old you could be no isn't it 15 nine months not 14 anyway you're you're an absolute boss okay so my thing is everybody finds it hard to ask for more money like everyone it's so hard to go to your boss and ask for more money. It's hard to sit down and have those conversations. I guess that there's that big fear of like, well, what if they say no? And you know, you don't want to offend them, but the reality is you can't offend somebody. If you have the skillset, if you have worked and you have worked your way up and you are a valued member of that company or of whatever it is, whatever place you work, asking for more money is not something

that's going to be offensive, but you do have to get a little bit organized and you do have to get a little bit strategic with how you do it. I agree. There's nothing that would make me more uncomfortable than going to my boss and asking for more money. And I think that everybody's on that page. It's never a comfortable conversation, but it's definitely something that you shouldn't be afraid to do if you really think you're worth it. And you've said that you think you can go somewhere else and get more money. Not even you think, you said, I know I can go somewhere else. Obviously you like your job and you'd rather stay. I think you've got nothing to lose. You 100% need to be able to approach your boss and you're friends with her. So you should be able to

approach her, but you need to approach her not as a friend, as an employee and an employer relationship. What you need to do, and it's different for me because forever I have worked in the medical industry and we have a set of criteria for every category. If you can meet the criteria, you go to your employer, your boss, and you say, look, I have ticked off every box, which means I'm in this next category, which means I get a pay rise. You've just got to be able to prove you can do it. I would suggest doing the same thing. You probably don't have that kind of contract but if you write down all the lists you're doing and showing that you're in a higher role than you're being paid they can't really say no well they can but if they do say no

you can leave and go somewhere else it's just that you want to stay there you're happy so I would say that I would set up a meeting with my boss and I'd be like look I am doing this this this this and this which I think is above my pay grade and I really really don't want to leave here because I love you guys I love you I love the job I love my colleagues is there room to move and reassess my pay you're just asking the question she's either going to say yes let's look at that or she's going to say no and then you just have to be armed with what you're willing to do if the answer is no are you actually willing to leave if the answer is no or you're willing to stay and continue your job so I would decide within yourself what you will do if the answer

is no before you go in there. I agree with everything you've said, Britt. And I think the first thing I want to say on this is going back to the first point where I said, asking for a pay rise is scary. So many things are scary until you do them more times and then you become more comfortable with it. As a small business owner, I'm going to kind of tell you how I have in the past asked for pay rises. And also when employees have come to me, how I like them to come to me. So have you had, have you had people come to you before and saying, Hey, I want more money? absolutely oh it makes me uncomfortable absolutely and almost all of them I've given more money to it depends on what the conversation has been it depends on what their role is

but almost every single one who has asked for a pay rise has received it I'm gonna ask you after this you're like pay me more but it's because okay a lot of my staff have been with me for many many years and they've grown with the company and sometimes I think when you have someone who grows with your company, their skill sets grow, you have to annually assess what their role is. And that's often what can be lacking in small businesses is sitting down and having like a review with your employer. So you sit down, you have a formal review where they say, I love that you're doing this, this, and this. I think you can work on X, Y, and Z. And that is the normal setting where you would say and put forward your case for a pay rise. The problem with some small

businesses, especially I think things like hospitality, retail, is that they don't always have the same formal review processes. So I would say, go to your boss, whether it's, you know, face-to-face or by email or by, you can do it by text, but that's probably the least professional way. And just say, I would really love to schedule a time to have a meeting with you to talk about pay review. So they know exactly what it is that they're going into that meeting discussing. And after that, once you set your date, you then put together all of your information, put together all the things that you're doing in your job, in your role, like Britt said, put together what other companies are paying employees that do the similar job to you put

together what you should be paid based on what your experience is what your education levels are and then you can set forward a really great case and be like exactly what brit said i love working here i think i'm a really valuable member to this team this is what we have achieved since i've been here this is what i've contributed to the company and this is why i think i deserve a five percent or whatever it is. I think you go in there with an idea of what you want as a percentage increase and ask for it. The best thing you can do is go in armed with information. So you have to know what you want and you have to know why you want it. And you have to know what other people are getting paid in the same job. If you can cover all those categories, there's not really room

for an argument. So go in and think about it, write it down, learn it, be confident, go in, address it in a respectful manner. Make sure you know what your decision is going to be depending on her answer I don't think you need to have it in your head that you're going to leave like for example if you're really happy with your job if you love where you work and the only thing that's a consideration at the moment is pay and you have this conversation and then they're like sorry we're not going to pay you anymore you may make the decision to leave down the track but I don't think you have to walk in there with this mentality of like if you don't pay me more money I'm quitting the reality is is that if they don't meet you at all if there's no wiggle room you probably will

end up becoming a bit resentful and wanting to leave anyway because you will feel like well I put forward the best case I'm not valued here and I want to work somewhere where I am valued everybody wants to feel valued where they work and one of the best ways of feeling valued not the only way but a very important way is financially the only other thing I want to say on this is maybe the business isn't in a situation where they're able to give pay rises because of financial constraints COVID hospitality like there's so many reasons why a business may not be able to give you a pay rise right now so I think like make sure that you have a full conversation around it and if they say no now and that's your boss's reply is like no you're not

getting a pay rise at the moment find out why and what you can do to work towards a pay rise this is also why I said just know what you think you want to do in your mind and it's not to go into your boss and if she says no say cool I'm quitting that's not it and you don't tell her if So no, it's more so that, you know, in your head, okay, cool. If I'm not going to be met with what I need and what I think I deserve. And the answer is no. Then I know in myself, I can start to look for another job. Totally. And the most important thing for anybody in the workplace is nobody is going to advocate for you the way that you need to advocate for yourself. If you deserve a pay rise you have to ask for it because very few employees very few workplaces are just fucking

giving out pay rises willy-nilly everyone wants to hold on to their bottom dollar everyone wants to run their business as efficiently as possible and you know even if your business or company does offer you a pay rise because you're deserving of one you can always ask for more the only other thing i would suggest from and this is just from experience is to try and make sure there is a paper trail of things so even if you do go and have a verbal conversation just say hey i'm just going to shoot you through an email just to reconfirm what we spoke about that is my suggestion as well because there's nothing more important than if you need to go if you do decide to stay and she says no and in another year's time you want to go back you can say look like this isn't

the first time i've approached you but if everything's just in a verbal conversation it's a lot harder to prove these things and i just think it just saves your ass totally especially if they say oh if you work towards these things we'll give you a pay rise because now you're like look I did ticked it all off yeah 100% anyway I feel like that that's our that's my life advice everybody needs to ask for what they want in life it's very very important and it can be scary but it also is very rewarding question number two all right ladies I have heard you answer this question in other ways before however I think my predicament is slightly different my best friends and my closest girlfriends hate my boyfriend now yeah and this is interesting because we have

answered this question before where it's been like I don't like my friend's boyfriend but never my friends hate my boyfriend okay so she goes on my friends hate my boyfriend at the beginning when we first started dating he was a bit of a dick to me we had plenty of fights and it was a little bit of a rocky start he never cheated on me he never did anything that we couldn't overcome however now we're in a really really good place and I really want my friends to be able to see the guy that I see unfortunately they won't give him a chance and it seems like we're never going to get to a place where we can all be friends what can I do to create a little bit more peace and to make my friends like my boyfriend break up no I'm joking jokes get a new one yeah get a new one

um thank you next this is really tough and it immediately takes me back to this thought of I've done it in the past Laura you've done in the past it's just human nature everyone is guilty of it when you have an argument or when something negative happens in a relationship you want to talk to your friends and you want to vent about it you want to go and say hey this happened can you like it's almost like you want a validation can you believe he did that like and then like oh my god he should never have done that and then you have this whole little conversation you very rarely go to your friends and say he is the most amazing guy he has done everything for me he brought me tea in bed last night like you just don't say those little things because it's

not something you feel like you need to overly share and like sometimes you do at the start of a relationship of course like I used to tell Laura all the cute things that Jordan did but it's just human nature to go and complain and want to vent and get counseling from your friends on this kind of thing what you do need to be really careful of and hyper aware of is that you don't feel like you're always just complaining about your partner to your friends I mean unless he's just a dick all the time then sure maybe you need to come to the realization that he's a dick all the time there's reason why your friends don't like him if you're only ever saying the negative things of course your friend's gonna get this idea we're like oh my god every second week he's doing something

horrible she's so upset all the time and and it's of course that's gonna implant on them it's gonna be they're not gonna like him and that's normal I've got friends like that but then when I brought it up with my friends they're like yeah but I don't ever tell you the good stuff and this is the problem what you can actually do about that is it's really really tough I think what you need to do is have a sit down with your friends if they have said to you if you know if it's very openly like I don't like your partner you need to sit down and ask why you need to have a little bit of an intervention and say look are you seeing something I don't or find out the reason find out where this dislike this disdain this hate whatever it is find out where it has come from

maybe you can dispel some of these myths maybe you can correct them on some of the assumptions that they've made but ultimately if they just don't like your partner I think you just need to have a level of separation I think you just need to say cool maybe we just don't all hang out as a group anymore but I need you to know that I really love him and I need you guys on my team on that like I think if you're just really honest with your friends I really love my partner I would love for you guys to love him but if you don't let's just not all hang out in a group situation and then maybe you can work towards it but it's a really sticky situation yeah I I mean I agree mostly I think I can see your face she's like like what do I agree okay I I think the big part

of what you're talking about Brit is like boundaries we all need to have boundaries in our relationship I knew there was a word for it no but but it's it's true like if you are lacking in boundaries in that you go and you tell every single thing that happens in your relationship to your friends then you are painting a one-sided picture and then the problem is is like the repair like when you get home from having a fight with your partner and your partner buys you flowers or does all these nice things your friends don't see that that's not an assumed thing so unfortunately your relationship is better it's repaired but your friends are still living in a capsule of what's just happened and of what you've told them so obviously like that is and

creates a huge disparity and a reason why so many people can get into these situations where their friends can cause these situations where you know there's a rift between their friends and their boyfriends I think there's more sides to this as well I do think you need like Britt said have a really honest conversation with your friends sit down and ask them for reasons you know what is it that he's done what is it that he said is it the picture that I painted or is it the person that you have met like to explain a little bit more context around why you dislike him so much there could be the possibility that you are blinded by the love and the orgasms and all of the great things he could be a dick like there is a chance that that's a possibility as well and i think love

is blind this is true and your friends mostly want the best for you and sometimes our friends can see things that we can't see does that mean that you should throw the relationship in the bin no but i think sometimes it means there needs to be a little bit more context around those conversations with friends if they genuinely are friends who love you and support you and aren't just friends who flip when something good is happening in your life and try to fuck shit up for you. If they're genuinely great people who want the best for you, I think sometimes we have to listen to what's happening. And the other part of that is if everything is fine, if your relationship is genuinely great, if you've gotten to a place where you think, no, you know what,

all the dramas we had in the beginning were just teething problems. We are awesome now. I do honestly think that the relationship between your friends and him will catch up. Like I said, they're living in this capsule from six months ago or five months ago. the more that you know he proves the more that you keep on giving them that positive validation around your relationship the more that you when you hang out with them you're like oh this happened and we're really great and we're really happy over time that shifts the perception that you originally painted or that he originally painted by his actions ultimately you can't force anybody to like anybody you can't sit down and say you will like him it's just not going to happen so

all you can do is sit down figure out why where it comes from and map out what you can do from it from there but 100% what Laura said is start to just share with them some of the great things that he does for you the good times the happy times and why you love him so much and it might slowly start to shift without them feeling like you're putting pressure on them to like him and I also think don't try and do group situations like if you're in a period right now where your girlfriends as a collective don't like him just pit them off one by one go for like a dinner with one of them it sounds like you want to like it's totally just don't try and win them over as a group because that's super overwhelming for your partner to then walk into this situation

where he feels like oh fuck these five chicks hate me like just go to the beach with one of them go to the movies with one of them go for dinner with one of them and I think in smaller settings we're able to be a little bit more vulnerable a little bit more honest and you can allow for like a bit more conversation and communication and by doing that maybe then they will start to see the side of him that you really love and see you guys as a couple and it's not just you versus them which kind of can be set up when you do these big group settings have you ever been in a situation where your friends haven't liked your boyfriend yeah the sociopath the one that was cheating on me for like two years they didn't like him and did they tell you they didn't like him no they didn't I

could pick up that he wasn't their favorite human but once it all came out two years later so after the fact my family my friends everyone was like never really liked him I could always sense he was a bad egg and I was like why didn't you tell me they said your happiness is our happiness and they just wanted they could see that I was happy even though I was fake happy like I was so distraught throughout that whole relationship but I just put on a brave face they're like we didn't want to burst your bubble I wish they were more honest with me and I but I wish they did it that's because that was an extreme situation they all thought he was cheating on me and I wish they probably brought it to me up my attention but hindsight's a wonderful thing if they actually

came to me and said hey we think he's cheating on you I probably would have said no fucking way you're starting stuff and I would have been defensive so it's a really really tricky situation blinded by the orgasm bubble yeah 100% and that's a thing the orgasm bubble is a thing real thing yes I mean I feel like everyone hated your ex too everyone okay but if you're new to this podcast and you haven't been listening for long the episode that brit is talking about is episode three she dated a sociopath literally she dated a guy who had a double life and i feel like everybody who has listened to the podcast for any length of time knows about it but if you're new you need to go back and listen to it yeah i've definitely been

in this situation before where i've had my friends hate my boyfriend and that's why i say sometimes you know you might think that your relationship is in a really good spot but they might be seeing things that you can't see it's fake news yeah they might know something or sometimes we really can be blinded by what's happening around us and in our relationships and mostly our friends and our family want the best for us so I think it comes down to you to really judge did you paint that picture is it kind of your fault that they hate him or do they hate him for other reasons and if So you might need a little bit of time to unpack what that is. But communication is the most important thing.

And I think having a really honest conversation with your girlfriends is the first place to start. Question number three. Question number three. I have a lot of feelings about question number three. Am I a bad feminist? I would say that I'm all for equality and rethinking the gender roles, but I hit a mental roadblock yesterday.

My boyfriend and I recently graduated from the same degree. he decided to pursue an entrepreneurial career however he doesn't make any money yet and it seems also not in the near future what is important to know is that he is also quite a free spirit and he sleeps in until noon so i can't even say that he is working his ass off i cannot even say he's out there giving it a go i now got a job offer which will be very well paid it will be a stressful job with 40 plus hours where most of the colleagues started around seven and worked till very late. Yesterday, after I said that I'm so happy to finally earn some money and not rethink every single purchase four times, my boyfriend suggested that we should move into a big fancy

flat with him paying 600 euros and me paying 1400 euros. So more than double him. It would be a very big chunk of money even for my salary. Also just interrupting here, I love that we've got someone from Europe. It's like talking about euros. I realized that I have an inherent problem with paying far more rent than my partner, especially since we have the same degree. And in my eyes, the same chances and opportunity to earn good money. I kind of think that I would feel different if he was just earning less money, but doing something really passionately or working really hard, but he doesn't. What do you guys think of this situation? Would you be fine with him not working much and still asking me to pay more. I just want to jump in here real quick before we

get into this and say it is absolutely irrelevant who earns more money in a relationship. Personally, I have been in a relationship where I have been the breadwinner and I have earned more and I have been in a relationship where I earned far, far less. The thing that I really want to drive home here is it's about effort and motivation and what you're putting into the relationship. If you're not earning much money but you're working really hard and you're doing something you're passionate about brilliant that's all you need to do especially if I was in a relationship if my partner was earning less than me I couldn't care less if I knew they were getting up every day doing what they love and really really trying hard but I just want to really push that point at the start before

we jump into this I think I know what your opinion is anyway Laura but because I would hate for anyone to think that we feel like money is the motivating factor because it's absolutely not motivation is the motivating factor the very first line where you said am i a bad feminist i would say that i'm all for equality and rethinking the gender roles but i hit a mental roadblock yesterday the reason why you hit a mental roadblock is because this is not equality women were not burning their bras so that your boyfriend can sit around i don't even wear a bra anymore but i'm okay it blows my mind that somehow we have been conditioned to think that you know earning more money being the breadwinner in the house means like that's where the equality is. The reality is back in the day, women not being

recognized for the unpaid labor that they were doing every day, the endless hours of housework and cleaning and raising children and organizing birthday parties and going and picking up shopping. Your boyfriend's not doing that. He's sleeping till noon. So this is not equality. I would hate for anybody to get into a situation where their partner rides on their hard work and dresses it up as, oh, it's okay for gender roles to be reversed because women are not laying around the house, not doing anything. We're not just being this free spirited version of ourselves whilst our partners go out and hustle hard and then live off their money. It made me so mad when I read the start of this. So I understand why you had this period of like, hold on, this doesn't

feel right to me. And it's because it's not right. Now we have spoken on this podcast before about when you have different incomes to your partner how doing 50 50 monetarily down the middle is not fair or right when you are in a relationship and your partner earns vastly more than you regardless of gender that you should pay percentage wise a more even split that also comes with conversation if your partner is choosing not to earn money if your partner is choosing not to contribute what else are they contributing to the relationship are they cooking dinner every night are they cleaning are they doing other things in your relationship that add value that allow you to do the work that you do in which case totally fair if they are just

mooching off you then I think there's some much bigger problems in your relationship and I sure as shit would not be wasting all of the money that you could be putting into a savings account for yourself to set yourself up for a future to pay more on rent to live in a house that means that you're then financially stretched just so that he can continue to float around and figure out what it is he wants to do with himself. Cool. So we've answered that question. I'm like, everything she's saying, I'm like, okay, there's my point. Uh, yep. I've gotten that. Yep. Uh, nothing else to say. No, I think there's more like, no, I do have more. I'm checking. Right. Sorry. I was like, what about this? You just said everything that I was thinking and every next

thought I had you said it as well I couldn't agree more the thing that really gets me is the expectation that now you earn more money that will upgrade our house like that's the bit that gets me it'd be very different if he never said anything and you were like you know what like we could afford a nice place now the idea was yours there was no expectations and he was grateful for it I don't like the assumption of I can continue to sleep until midday and stay at home while you earn the money and I can benefit from this lifestyle I am all for equality and I 100% think that like Laura mentioned that we have spoken about before when it comes to finances if both people are working equally as hard but one person male or female it's irrelevant one

person's earning significantly more than yes if they want a specific lifestyle they can't expect it to be 50 50 but it doesn't work in reverse I would be more than happy if I was with somebody that was working their butt off and I earned twice as more I would be happy to be paying for more if I if he was doing what he wanted to do and he was passionate about it and he was really putting the effort in that's so fine the thing that gets me is and I couldn't do it I take my hat off to you but I could not be with someone that had no work ethic no motivation and slept until midday for me that's a bit of a red flag and some people are fine with it but I would not be comfortable what I would do if you absolutely in love and want to stay in that relationship

that's great but what I would say to him if you're not happy with it is I think we just make good use of this situation we stay where we are and I'm just going to put this away and save it and then You could say you might not end up with him. Who knows? You could say, I'm just going to start to put it away. Maybe we can buy a house or something down the track. But ultimately, those funds are yours. You are earning them until he goes out to pull his weight.

I don't think you owe him anything. I've calmed down a bit now. Thank God. I see the steam coming out of your ears. I guess like the other part that I want to touch on quickly is this idea about entrepreneurship, right? I don't want anyone to think that I'm undervaluing what this guy's ambitions are because I think there is nothing sexier or more inspiring than somebody who has an entrepreneurial brain.

But I do not know one. I do not know one entrepreneur who sleeps until midday. Not one. They are working their asses off because they have to, to start a business, to start a new idea, to really get that endeavor off the ground, you work your butt off. And in that case, I would fully understand the split between incomes and how you guys work. But the other part of this is you're working so hard to allow your partner to have the

luxury of relaxation and time, but not only just relaxation as in he gets to sleep in all day, but as in like, he is not being forced to make decisions around his career. He's got a luxury buffer. Yeah. He's got this buffer where he's like, oh, maybe I'll try this. Maybe I'll try this. because you're the one doing all the hard work well there's no urgency in it is there because he comes home to a roof over his head and he comes if you weren't there what would he do ask

yourself that if you weren't there can he pay the rent can he put food on the table or is he relying on you that extremely and that's the reality of it right like that is not equality and I think that like I said at the beginning that's why this got me so in the go when I first read this and I think I've probably experienced something similar where one of my earlier relationships my ex was very much like I don't mind if you're the breadwinner but at the time I didn't realize that me being the breadwinner just allowed him to be the struggling artist and it meant that I struggled as well because I was then paying for two people but I kind of at the time was like yeah I love you I'll do it city whatever I'm like making the money no it wasn't fair and it would be a very

different thing if you had kids and if he was at home raising the children and doing all the unpaid household labor, like I said, but that's just not the case. And I think that you have every right to feel a little bit taken advantage of in this situation. And I really think something that we've touched on on a finance podcast we did ages ago, but it is so important, especially as a woman to put savings away. It's so important to have your own financial stability and to make sure that you are taking care of your one financial literacy and two financial future that is an independent future from your partner and like Britt said I cannot recommend putting that money towards savings and not towards rental maybe you can even have a sit down with him and talk about

it maybe you can say hey let's map out our goals let's where are we going to be in a year like let's try and figure this out because if we can both accumulate x amount of money a week and put that away and obviously the x amount of money that you're suggesting to him is more than he now it's going to involve him getting a job but some people are visual people and I've done this in the past maybe you can say look what we could be putting away in one year if we are both bringing this much home a week once sometimes once people can see it they can get a little bit more drive and a little bit motivation so maybe your partner is not as independent and fiercely as driven as you maybe he needs a little bit of a prompt but I don't think you have to go to him and say you're

not pulling your weight I'm not doing that like you don't have to make it an aggressive conversation but I think you can definitely sit down and see if he does have any motivation to earn more in the year if he's got motivation to actually start this career to get up and work nine to five and maybe you can say hey you could send him video links there are so many motivational speakers that are like my day starts at 7am anyone that wants to earn a business who knows what he needs but once you've provided him all the tools he needs if he's still not being proactive if he's still sleeping until 12 o'clock and he's still expecting you to pay more maybe you need to reconsider where your relationships going and I know that sounds I'm not saying break up with him I'm absolutely not

because different relationships work it's just something to consider if this is going to be your future for a long time and I guess like as well I 100% agree I think there is a lot of consideration to happen here but relationships change so much after university especially relationships that are formed in uni because careers take place you don't have the same sort of flexibility it's not as fun you're not going to unibar every week like the real world kind of kicks you in the guts a little bit well you grow up you change and what you want changes totally and and there may come a point where maybe he is quite happy to live that university-esque lifestyle far longer than what you are and that peter pan syndrome sets in this could turn into a very big

area of resentment if it's not something that's mapped out early and if you guys kind of don't get on the same page with this. So communicate, communicate. I'm pretty much, this is how we answer every question. Talk about your feelings, but do not think that you need to continue to contribute more to allow somebody to contribute less. Well said Laura. And also just, I just want to say hello to that person that wrote in all the way from Europe. That really like makes me feel good that you're listening to us in Europe. I bet that they are an Australian who is living in the uk no i know they're definitely not because a that's the pound laura not euro oh fuck cute though i love that i haven't traveled in a really long time now guys but no i just love

that we've got some listeners from overseas so just shout out to everyone listening from another country all right guys well regardless of where you're from if you want to jump on and leave a little review you can jump on to apple podcast or you can also follow us at life uncut podcast or also on the facebook group which is life uncut discussion group there's so many places where you can find us if you want to continue on the conversation or the discussion group is just such a great place to literally talk about anything it's wild there's so much stuff goes people that want to choose an outfit to really deep discussions what are the what are the best leggings to buy i don't know what's happening with global warming i don't know go in the facebook

group it's all happening there don't forget to tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog You can tell your friends and share the love because we love love.