Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Are You the Interruptee or the Interrupter?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm producer Keisha, filling in for Brit while she's eating really gross things at inappropriate dinner times. It's very unfortunate that they put on the, what do they call it? The trials. Tucker Time Tuesdays or something.

Starting point is 00:00:38 But they put it on at such an inappropriate time of night. Laura, this is what happened to me last night. My boyfriend and I sat down on the couch. My boyfriend? We cooked Mexican food. And I was like, oh, you know, we've got to put Brit on because I'm celebs on it this time. I need to see her. I saw her attempt to eat a pig's nipple, amongst other things,

Starting point is 00:00:59 which she failed. She vomited. Poor thing. And he turned to me. It was like I'd committed a crime and he was like, do we have to watch this right now? I'm trying to eat my dinner. I understand that because last week when we,

Starting point is 00:01:11 I can't remember who it was. I think it was Michelle Bridges and she was eating a penis. Tristan ate a testicle last night. Michelle Bridges ate a penis. Tristan ate a testicle like a champion. What a fucking legend. Straight down. Well done.

Starting point is 00:01:27 We've all been there. We've all done it. What a good guy taking one for the team. I do think, so I didn't get to watch last night's episode, but also Britt is safe. Khan went home, which is very disappointing. Khan, firstly, is an angel. And secondly, he's a very good cook.

Starting point is 00:01:42 So that's a disappointing person to lose in the camp. But if you had to eat a pig nipple, surely that's just kind of like bacon rind, but with a little bit of extra chewy bit. Like, I think I would be okay with that. I think I could eat a pig nipple. That's what Skye said at the time. But then I thought about it and I was like, oh, I wonder if it was one of those, like, hairy nipples.

Starting point is 00:02:03 And they're big and they're thick. Like, think of, like, a cow udder. Then think of, like, a pig nipple. They're not like a cat nipple, for example. I think it's the hair on the nipple that would get me. Do you pick it off first or do you have to eat every single thing? Yeah, I actually just felt a bit sick thinking about it. Can they wash it down?

Starting point is 00:02:18 I did see Brit take a drink of water, but I think there's, like, a time period. They're not allowed to do it immediately. I feel sick I'm so sorry if you're listening to this which you are if it's on right now I feel sick which means you probably feel sick anyway speaking of cat nipples I just really quickly wanted to say that we're recording this on Wednesday which means that there has been an episode tonight before this episode comes out so like really fingers crossed this is not the episode where Brick gets illuminated so please keep voting please

Starting point is 00:02:47 keep voting to keep her in there because we're like down to one of the last final days I know it's actually it's all going so quickly now so every day someone's going home the whole you can vote 10 times a day make sure you're doing it it's on 10 play but yeah if there is a situation where tonight is the night brick goes home that's awkward for everyone listening today because you know this would be a very different conversation had we known now but we don't get we don't get told anything but speaking of cat nipples back to the cat nipples finally i am back into my lady in a cat era, we have Raspberry. Raspberry has been brought home.

Starting point is 00:03:19 She is so cute. Buster is so fucking off it. Matt is also pretty off it, to be honest, but everyone's going to come round. We're going to be one big, happy, hairy family with lots of nipples. There's so many nipples in our household now. There is.

Starting point is 00:03:33 There just is. Do the maths. Dog nipples, cat nipples. There's more functional nipples than what there are unfunctional nipples now. Is there? Well, Matt's nipples don't work and Buster's certainly don't. That's true.

Starting point is 00:03:43 That's true. Yep. We really are a female household. For anyone who doesn't know the backstory to this, Laura adopted a kitten named Raspberry a couple of weeks ago, but she was so little that she had to wait a little while to pick her up and bring her home. Yeah, so she's already 10 weeks, but she's still under a kilo.

Starting point is 00:04:00 Like she's tiny, tiny. She was the little runt of the litter. And we had to bring her home. The girls are obsessed with her and introduce her to our very big dog who weighs, as of today, we took him to the vet, he's 39 kilos. So he's massive. And he's one leg less. And he's missing a leg.

Starting point is 00:04:15 If he had all four legs, he'd be like 45 kilos. Like the dog is huge. He is petrified of her. Like he sat on his bed like the biggest fanny and he wouldn't even look at her. He just made these little side eyes and just shook. And he was shaking in his bed. And she is tiny, less than a kilo, and she's hissing at him. And he is whipped, whipped.

Starting point is 00:04:38 He's so frightened. But it's going to be a big transition for him. I think for anyone who has animals and then they've had children, it's such a big transition going from them being the child of the family to then going down the pecking order and then you have kids and then the animals kind of go down that and then you bring home a cat and now my poor dog's like, what's left for me?

Starting point is 00:04:58 How did Buster respond when you had Marley? Same thing. Sat on his bed and shook. He'll get over it. He'll be fine. They are so loved. They are so well taken care of. But it's, it's funny to me because I think people always say you have to be a cat person

Starting point is 00:05:14 or you're a dog person. And I'm like, I'm a specific animal person. I don't like all cats and I don't like all dogs, but the ones I like, I love, you know, so I'm picky with where I put my energy into. And Matt, he has always said he doesn't like cats, but now he owns a cat and he has been for someone who doesn't like cats. He has been very, very, very cuddly and proactively snuggly with this kitten that he doesn't like. there is no one who will love a family dog more than the dad who said he didn't want to get a dog

Starting point is 00:05:42 yeah like that's mad it's a hundred percent they're like no no no no no the rest of the family convinces them that they're getting one and then the dad is like the dog's best friend it's exactly how it's happening in our household the only thing though which I had forgotten about which it's the only negative of owning a cat actually there's probably two negatives one is that you can't trust them you think you're just having a nice pat and then they'll turn around they'll fuck you that's like that's a cat mentality but number two is kitty litter like I cannot get on board with it I don't if you are a cat owner and you've figured out some sort of like a great way of disguising the kitty litter tray or putting it somewhere or doing something with it like it's just it's so obscene

Starting point is 00:06:19 having a big tray of cat shit in your bathroom and it's so so smelly and something I think is sorry to all the cat owners but I need to tell you this because your friends might not you get used to the smell and you get a little desensitized to it other people don't i've walked into my friend's houses before and felt physically uncomfortable like you got punched in the face by cat urea it's so strong and you can tell me that you've got the whole leg so you can put these things on top of them that are like circular and spin or something like you know they've got all these castles to try and get rid of the smell it's still there whether you can still smell it or not it's like your own BO. You get slightly used to it. Or you start to like it.

Starting point is 00:07:05 I'm going to keep you accountable. Okay. If I come to your house and it starts to smell, I'm going to tell you. I never want to become so comfortable in my lady in a cat status that I can't tell that my house smells like piss. Please, please tell me because that's when I, that's when I think things are spiraling out of control in my life. I really do. Oh my days. Well, I look forward to this and I look forward to seeing the relationship between Matt and the cat become the strongest relationship in your home. Literally. It's not the dog going down, it's actually me.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Like I'm going down in the order of priorities at the moment because there's too many animals and too many children. And you welcomed it into your own life. Should we get into vibes and unsubscribes for the week? Yes. Keisha, what is your vibe? I know you have a good one and so I am looking forward to this. I also really quickly have a small unsubscribe

Starting point is 00:07:51 because we got a message not long ago saying, you guys used to do unsubscribes as well. I'm unsubscribing from kitty litter if I didn't make that clear that's what I'm unsubscribing from I want to teach her to shit in the toilet that's what I want to teach you know those cats on YouTube that like there's like some sort of

Starting point is 00:08:08 training thing where you can like teach a cat to poo straight into the toilet I want to teach her to do that please be careful because she's so small right now like a cockroach in the bottom of the toilet bowl I don't want her like just in the toilet bowl when you get home one afternoon no but how impressive would that be if you came over to my house and there's just the cats

Starting point is 00:08:24 on there She just looks at you as you walk past the bathroom. She's hanging half in the toilet doing the poo. Imagine if I had to wait for her to finish. Excuse me, Keisha. Can you give the cat some privacy? Raspberry's going to the toilet. Close the door.

Starting point is 00:08:37 Oh, my days. Okay, my unsubscribe for the week is the plastic liner in swimwear. It's fucking disgusting. Can we all please just meet? You know that you buy a pair of swimmers. It's necessary. Well, it's only necessary because we don't trust everyone to wear underwear when they try on swimwear. And I think this is where we all need to come together and create a solution.

Starting point is 00:08:58 Because when you pick that plastic thing off of swimwear, you don't know how many flaps that's touched. You don't know how much trust you're putting in that. Well, like, do you do it with, I always feel like, wow, this is so potentially disgusting. But I don't know how disgusting, because I don't know how many flaps this has touched. because I don't know how many of you have tried this pair of swimmers on without your underwear on. That's true. That's true.

Starting point is 00:09:23 What a gamble. What do you do? Do you take it off and then go wash your hands straight away or do you just take it off and then bang it on, like, you know, game on? I really play on. I try to get, like, the corner, like, with my fingernails and then I sanitise. You always sanitise afterwards?

Starting point is 00:09:36 Yeah. Yeah. I would like to think I do. But sometimes I just put on swimmers at the beach that I just bought so they just rip it off and put them on. Do you always wash them before you put them on? No. No, I don't.

Starting point is 00:09:48 Okay. But yeah, maybe I'm contradicting myself now. Maybe if they didn't have the sticker thing on them, I would feel the need to wash them because I always wash underwear before. Anyway, I will move on. I actually don't. I'm so bad with that. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:10:00 It's worked out so well. 38. Nothing's happened yet. Anyway, that's a good unsubscribe, except I still think it's quite necessary. Do you know what I think we should do? Instead of it being the plastic one, you know how you can get those ones? They're like satiny.

Starting point is 00:10:13 Better. More costly for the businesses though. I agree. Okay, this is a complex issue that obviously we need to think about a little bit more in depth, but I do have a really good vibe for this week. It was Tuesday's episode of the Daily Oz podcast. You guys all know that we really like the Daily Oz. I think that they deliver news in a really consumable way.

Starting point is 00:10:31 The episode was titled, Bruce Lerman lost his defamation case. What does this mean? So I think it was Monday. Yeah, Monday afternoon, Justice Michael Lee handed down a judgment for this defamation case. There has been so many different cases to do with Bruce Lerman. There's been criminal cases. There's been civil cases.

Starting point is 00:10:49 The guy likes spending time in court, put it that way. Yes. He's going to have no money left. Very likely. Also terrible reputation. Far out. Could not be more in the gutter. There is definitely an irony in the fact that he brought this defamation case forward saying

Starting point is 00:11:03 that he wanted to not be called an alleged rapist. And now we had a judge say on the balance of probabilities that he is a rapist. I'm sure everyone has heard the quote from the judge. Having escaped the lion's den, Mr Lerman made the mistake of coming back for his hat. And I think that that is just, it paints such a picture around what this court case was, what this trial was. So the Daily Oz did a 20-minute episode that broke it down.

Starting point is 00:11:31 Sam, who is one of the co-founders of the Daily Oz, he has a legal background. He breaks it down in such a way that's really, really, really easy to understand. And he also goes into kind of the nuances of what is going to happen next. Next Tuesday, we've been told that the costs are going to be kind of, I don't know what the legal term is. Basically, the court are going to say who needs to pay who money and who needs to pay for the legal representation side of things. So that's happening next Tuesday and there's going to be more news about it around. So if you want to kind of get your head around it, I really

Starting point is 00:12:04 recommend that episode. I'm so interested as well because I think there's been so much reporting around the case like this case couldn't have had more reporting and I think that for a lot of people understanding the nuance of it because there's been so much speculation and there's been so much commentary and personal opinion that's been loaded into this I think understanding the legalities around it for some people it can still seem a little bit vague even for myself I think getting my head around how this case has actually come about but also part of this story that I think is so interesting is Lisa Wilkinson and her involvement in it and how she has been misrepresented within the media and how that's going to then play out over the next couple of

Starting point is 00:12:42 months. And I think we're going to be seeing the next story or the next part of this, which will be Lisa Wilkinson having her time to be able to say, well, I was misrepresented and I was also defamed. Absolutely. And the other thing that I thought was very interesting and I'm really, really glad about from this particular court case is that Justice Michael Lee, he explained in his findings that Brittany Higgins was an unreliable witness, but he also went in to explain that that is so often the case for sexual assault victims absolutely who experience trauma and I know that for us we have these conversations all the time and we go yeah obviously anyone who's been traumatized has glitches in their memory and their story may

Starting point is 00:13:25 change not because they're not telling the truth but because it's a really traumatic experience having that actually delivered in court is a really good step in the right direction and I know that it might seem a bit fucking prehistoric but it is like our court system has been so so so bad for victims of sexual assault and so it's been really nice to kind of see this first step in a better direction well i also hope in that britney higgins was never able to have her day in court and him being able to to walk freely with the assumption that i think a lot of people draw the assumption that because he was never prosecuted for the rape trial that he's innocent just because someone isn't found guilty doesn't automatically mean that they're innocent and there

Starting point is 00:14:09 is hopefully so much vindication for britney higgins in this but um that's such an amazing vibe keisha and i will absolutely listen to it i just quickly want to i mean this is a little bit us covering ourselves legally he was found guilty on the balance of probabilities and if you listen to this episode of the daily oz that will be explained to you why that is different to the criminal proceedings so yes the daily oz bruce lehman lost his defamation case what does this mean on wherever you get your podcasts? Lois, what's your vibe for the week? My vibe is very self-fulfilling, guys, so give me

Starting point is 00:14:37 a second. But also, it's something I'm really, really, really proud of. And I know I don't, I mean, we've spoken a little bit about Tony May over the last couple of weeks, but this is such a huge part of my life that I don't speak about a lot on the podcast. And last week, there's been a few things that have happened that just means we haven't

Starting point is 00:14:53 had a chance to talk about this yet. But last week, we launched our Mother's Day collection and it's a campaign that I am so proud of. We shot it on my birthday this year and we wanted because every year we do this like limited edition Mother's Day necklace which we have done for like the last three years and then this year we wanted to do something that was a little bit different and part of that was capturing motherhood stories so talking to different mums we had I think it was nine different people come through that day and

Starting point is 00:15:22 the podcaster in me got to sit down and interview each of those mums the questions that we asked were all the questions that I asked were all around like what does motherhood mean to you and how has your life changed since becoming a mom but there was this one question that came up and with every single person I spoke to literally from the minute they sat down until the minute they left we were all in tears but the one question was around priorities and when you put so much of yourself into your children and into your relationships and into your work like where do you fall in the list of priorities especially when you get a new kitten and there's so many nipples in your house where do you fall and every single woman that day said that they are at the

Starting point is 00:16:03 bottom that they are at the very bottom of their list of priorities one person and it was my sister but also another one of the women that I interviewed said that they're below the dogs and I know that a lot of mums feel like this at different times that they deprioritize themselves so much because everything else requires so much of them especially when you have little kids but it was really a moment of self-reflection for myself. And also I think it was just a really powerful video that we were able to, and if you haven't seen it, it was a video that we made. It's on my Instagram. It's also on Tony May's Instagram. What it was supposed to be was everybody's individual motherhood story came together to kind of share what one singular thing is that we all experience.

Starting point is 00:16:40 And even though everybody shows up to motherhood differently, we all have very similar things that we go through. And I was really proud of it. And I think it was a really beautiful capture of what motherhood is and I'm sorry for anyone who may cry but my vibe for the week I guess is overarchingly we have this beautiful collection that we've created which is all around motherhood it's all around celebrating the many forms of it and one of the pieces that we have in there which over the years we have always received the feedback of what about people who haven't had their happy endings with motherhood or are still on their motherhood journey because Mother's Day can be so isolating and we've created this really beautiful necklace which is to be a keepsake to be

Starting point is 00:17:20 a memory to be something that you can hold on to if you're in a different phase of motherhood whether it is that you have a rainbow baby whether it is that you're still in your fertility journey whether it's that you've lost a child or you want to give something to someone this mother's day who is going through that themselves and that was like the basis of creating this range as well so i'm really really proud of it yeah i mean it feels so i know it feels so i hate being like this is my five it's something that i've created but i'm genuinely so proud of it the video made me cry i'm not a mom and it was it was a very um impactful and beautiful beautiful campaign that campaign meant more than a piece of jewelry totally there's depth to it well it wasn't i mean

Starting point is 00:18:05 the campaign doesn't even have the campaign video doesn't even have jewelry in it but it didn't meet it didn't need to it wasn't about that but I yeah I think you know I'm so lucky that I get to design jewelry and I had this whole other life and a whole other job that I get to do but there are a couple of things that we do each year that I deeply look forward to and the Mother's Day collection is one of them so I'm so proud of how it's all come together yeah and that's it for me all right let's get into the questions okay question number one one of my best friends constantly cuts me off or cuts people off mid-sentence. Sometimes when the person is answering the question that she has literally asked them, she also will cut into people's

Starting point is 00:18:43 conversations and start talking about something completely unrelated, showing pictures on her phone or something else she saw on there, taking the conversation away from what people were talking about and making it hard to get the original chat back on track. Now that I've noticed she does this, I just can't stop noticing it. It drives me mental and makes me not want to have a deep engaged conversation with her as it seems like she's not properly listening or interested in what I have to say. Is there a way to politely tell her that she does this or is this a quirk of her personality that I just need to let go? This is such an uncomfortable question for me to answer because I have been your friend and I've had this exact situation unfold where I was

Starting point is 00:19:26 needing to be accountable for some kind of shitty behavior. The first thing I want you to ask is whether you think this interrupting and this kind of like breaking of conversation is intentional. Because I think this is one of the situations where intention actually really does matter. Giving a little bit of context, it is a symptom of ADHD that I wasn't aware of until I was diagnosed. And that's kind of how this whole thing came about within my own personal life. I didn't realize that I was so so so bad for interrupting people's conversation because in my mind I thought it showed that I was excited about the conversation and that I had something to add to it and that I wanted more you know like that was my way of kind of engaging and I didn't

Starting point is 00:20:12 have any self-awareness at all as to how rude it was or how it had the ability to make people feel really diminished I think it's the big and important part of this is how it can take a conversation off track and I know like Keisha I have seen such a difference in you and and I and I mean this with with all deep kindness I truly do but I've seen such a difference in you since you have been diagnosed like and you've gone through being medicated in some way and figuring all that out like in how you approach conversations because there was and like it never ever ever was it an issue never was it like oh my god Keisha like it might not have been an issue for you but it definitely was for other people in my life and I feel really embarrassed about it and that's why

Starting point is 00:20:52 I kind of want to ask you about your friend because for me like I actually this is so incredibly embarrassing and for anyone who's been through an ADHD diagnosis you'll know this you sit across from your psychiatrist and they ask you the question of how do you go at turn taking in conversation and you're like am I three you're like I talk for the whole conversation what what do you mean like and it's meant to be a tennis match and I had like I truly actually mean this and this is why I think you need to ask about the intention I had no idea that this is something that I did and I felt really embarrassed when I became aware of it so I think there is a really big difference between whether your friend is aware of the fact that they're doing this

Starting point is 00:21:35 if they are aware and they don't care it's fucking rude and you shouldn't be friends with someone who only cares about themselves in that way. I think it might just be worth you investigating. Firstly, I really want to validate you. It is so reasonable that this pisses you off and that this makes you annoyed and not want to have conversations because it makes you feel as though what you've got to say is less important. Totally. But it's not necessarily a personality trait of theirs. It may be. There are a couple of ways that you can bring their attention to it. And if I was to recommend some one-on-one please don't do this in a group environment it's really really embarrassing when that happens it also will most likely make your friend feel guilty and I think what you can

Starting point is 00:22:20 kind of approach it with is like look I just wanted to bring this up with you and make you aware of the fact that this is how I've felt some conversations have been with you and I want to know whether it's because you don't think what I've got to say is important and that will give them the opportunity to tell you that what you do have to say is important to them and the other thing that I really recommend is not saying that other people have noticed it because when you're in the position of being the one who's in the wrong here and you feel as though everyone has been thinking and feeling this about you you just feel like the worst person like you actually feel really ashamed of yourself and it's not something like you know there's if you're not doing it

Starting point is 00:23:01 intentionally it's not an evil thing you're not trying to hurt people it's also incredibly triangulating when using that it doesn't matter what the conversation is or what the argument is saying other people have said the same or other people have thought the same or other people have said this to me any of those variations of that same context all you're saying to that person is we've been talking about you behind your back that's what that says and you don't need to use other people's observations as ammunition to to make a point to your friend it's a cruel way of approaching conversation and I'm not saying that you were going to do that either I think it gives good context to the question that you've asked but this is more so just around how to approach

Starting point is 00:23:42 it with your friend and what parts to share with her from a place of kindness and empathy verse what would become and be seen as being super argumentative or being seen as combative even the only thing I like I want to add to that Keish because I think your perspective on it is so important I don't think it is a normal trait of someone like a personality trait to just be a chronic interrupter I would say that more often than not it does lend itself to someone who does have some sort of like maybe it's ADHD maybe it's some sort of communication issues because especially if they show up as a great friend in every other way that would indicate that they are invested in you they do care about what you have to say they are a friend who is absolutely

Starting point is 00:24:24 clocked in on the friendship so then it's not congruent for them to turn around and go oh but I don't care what you say and I'm just going to interrupt you that to me seems like it is just and I don't want to say part of their personality but it's it's part of the way in which they communicate whether that is right or wrong but I can understand why it is really really frustrating I think the hardest one for me is is it's not so much they're being interrupted it's the deviating of the conversation away from what it is that the group is talking about that can be really really hard because the other person doesn't understand like the person who's doing it they might even feel like oh i tried to say something you guys aren't listening to me and it's like yeah we're

Starting point is 00:25:00 not listening to you because you're not talking about the thing that we're talking about so like oh my gosh i've actually just had a moment of self-awareness that we joked about on the podcast when i came to your house to watch i am a celeb and i kept showing you photos of africa Fuck, I'm this person. I'm so sorry. The memory I have, and this is the only time that I had noticed when, because, like, Keisha, you don't do it, and I don't want you to leave this conversation having, like,

Starting point is 00:25:27 this deep, like, oh, my God. But truly it is something that I actually feel a lot of shame about. But you don't need to feel shame about it. Well, I've been trying to work on it, and obviously it's not perfect. Self-awareness is a beautiful thing. No, I want to be so clear, because in no way do I want you to leave this conversation thinking as though that the way in which you communicate is a problem. Do you know what I mean? You're a great communicator. Everyone

Starting point is 00:25:52 who listens to the podcast knows that you can, you can talk for England, but also you listen for England too, you know, like you are very perceptive around what's going on. But I think that sometimes, and this is what I mean by maybe it's a indication of someone who does have ADHD is that if you get it in your head that you want to talk about something, it doesn't matter what the other conversation is that's happening here it has to be talked about right now it's like a bulldozer do you remember when we were we had the live shows and we were all in the bus i can't remember what we were talking about but you wanted to tell everyone about the fact that you had like you spent a lot of time in tweed as we were driving towards no i didn't i mean i i have no

Starting point is 00:26:28 this is what i mean but that's really no awareness of this like what are you talking about so was it like i have no awareness of this but and yes i did use to send a little bit i did my university degree i'll look okay it's a beautiful spot tweed is gorgeous and it's not but i but i also understand why that's time sensitive because we're driving through an area so like you want to be like oh this is because you're going to drive past it and then it's not going to be there anymore but at the same time it's like are they you know is there another conversation that's happening here that has to be interrupted for that and i i think it's like take a second to have a look at your friend's overall behavior? And are there other indicators that might show that she has

Starting point is 00:27:10 other things going on in her personality? Are there other small indicators? And maybe it's good to kind of like do a little bit of read up on ADHD, for example. So you can be like, oh yeah, you know what? Wow. She does have a few of these other things as well. This might be a moment where she has self-reflection in her own life and kind of realizes that there are some things that she struggles with that have become so normal to her that she's not even conscious of or it might be something that she's absolutely in denial about and it's not actually a problem for her or maybe she doesn't have it and it is just something that she does there's many ways in which this could unfold but I think it is okay of you to have a

Starting point is 00:27:44 conversation with her about it especially if it makes you feel like this yeah I also just like to end this conversation I also want to say that if that is the case let's say that actually she is similar to me had no idea that this is something that she does really badly and it was symptomatic of something else. Even if she is to be diagnosed, and I'm really, really strong talking about this because I don't think everyone feels this way. It's not an excuse. Even though I have ADHD and I have a tendency to interrupt people, that's actually my responsibility to try and work on because it has the effect of hurting people. So it's not like a get out of jail free card of, I've got a condition. I can do whatever the fuck I want and say what I want in conversation. And

Starting point is 00:28:24 you just have to get over it. It does give you more context that you know it's not malicious. And I think that's where it becomes a little bit of a better place to start the conversation because you have an understanding of the fact that they're not meaning to do it, but they also need to take accountability for the fact that they have done it and they need to work on it. It's really interesting because Mia Friedman, she came out, I think it was last year or the year before, saying that she had been diagnosed. And that happens for women a lot. It's a late onset diagnosis. We're seeing a lot of conversations about it now. She was diagnosed with ADHD later in life. And she said it was like someone turned the lights on because of the fact

Starting point is 00:29:02 that even from like an interview perspective, she obviously has Mamma Mia no filter. She interviews people all the time. And so much of the feedback that she'd received over the years was that she interrupted guests. And she was like, it made sense because it's not, it wasn't an intentional interruption. It wasn't trying to make it about herself. It was a enthusiasm about the conversation, as you said which I myself can completely relate to Keisha just one thing I want to ask you in terms of like a personal reaction slash response when your friend brought it up with you and made it aware to you that this is how you were behaving how did you respond to that and how did that make you feel I had it happen twice one was with a friend one was with my boyfriend and um not well

Starting point is 00:29:41 I didn't respond well because I I felt attacked defensive so incredibly defensive and I have enough awareness of it now and this has been a benefit of medication for me I'm able to zoom out and be less personally offended and go they had a really good point like they both had such a point they both had multiple examples but at the time I was like this is just an attack on my character because I didn't mean to do it you know like I felt like I was um I thought I was trying to engage with you like I thought I was trying to get more and and add like add to the conversation not take away from it and I didn't realize that or making it about yourself like I wasn't trying to I was trying to use my my life experience to to empathize with you like as a comparison instead of just

Starting point is 00:30:33 listening yeah and so initially like I mean your friend probably will be that's why I think it's really important that you do this in such a soft way I think it's probably best if you do it when I mean, you say it, you kind of constantly notice it. So it's probably not going to be long before it happens again. And if I were you and, or if I was kind of reversing it and saying how I think it would be best, if it happens in the moment, I think that's when I'd bring it up. And I think I'd go, Hey, can we just stop for a second? I really wanted to talk to you about this. And I just felt like you really interrupted me. And I just want to make you aware of that because sometimes I feel not listened to in our conversations and I feel like you dominate

Starting point is 00:31:12 the conversation a bit and I just wanted to like kind of broach that with you I think yeah I understand why you're like this drives me mental it's so rude and it cuts off conversation but please figure out first whether your friend is kind of like deliberately doing it if they are if they're like just a really self-involved selfish person I'd probably be decreasing the friendship yeah that's a whole different response but I think there'll be other indicators of that not just the cutting off thing yeah okay let's get into question number two enough talking about me sorry more interrupting talking about myself okay question number two and I just want to preface this by saying that right now if conversations around termination or abortion

Starting point is 00:31:50 are hard for you to listen to it might be best that you skip this question I've recently moved interstate to a brand new city and I'm loving it I met a guy pretty soon after arriving here and he is amazing it has been the best start to my new life in a new city and I'm feeling as though the puzzle pieces are finally falling together turns out the first night we slept together I fell pregnant. I am not in a position to keep the baby and we're aligned on that decision. However he hasn't been as supportive as I would have hoped. I've been super sick, unable to work, bedridden and he hasn't been replying to my messages for days on end. He hasn't offered to bring me anything or even just pay for my appointments or supplies or even just ask how I'm doing. I know we're not

Starting point is 00:32:33 together but I can't help but feel disappointed in the way that he's handled this. What would your tips be before going forward in this situation? The hardest part is still ahead of us and if he's not realizing the gravity of the situation now, how should I approach it when I go through the procedure? Should I keep seeing him after? I mean, the very first line that you said was, I met a guy pretty soon after arriving here and he is amazing. He doesn't sound amazing at all. He sounds pretty average. Isn't he amazing because on paper he ticks the boxes of what you wanted in person like when you went out for a few dates because obviously this must be still really early if you if you got pregnant the first time you slept together and now you're at a point where

Starting point is 00:33:15 you're going through the potential of a termination it still must be relatively early in the dating of you guys so my question around his amazingness is is he amazing on paper is he amazing in terms of the things that you think you want in a person and does he tick those boxes because the way in which he's behaving around this situation to me would say and indicate that he is not amazing. Firstly, I want to say, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you feel alone. But secondly, I think it's very, very early in your relationship. Like you said, as you said, you're not exclusive. You're not even really dating. It's very early in your relationship to have any understanding as to who that person is. The person that you've been on a few dates

Starting point is 00:33:56 with, you don't know them at all. And I think that somebody's reaction to something like this, especially when you're on the same page especially when you've both made the decision that you want to have a termination is very very indicative of who that person is and how much they care for you how empathetic they are how much they're willing to take care of you and not because they have an obligation to because you're their girlfriend but because they're actually a kind person who realizes that this might be hard for you and cares that it's hard for you so they show up so they check in. I think that that really defines who a person is or isn't. And for me, that's what I would be making my decisions on around whether or not I wanted to date them in the future.

Starting point is 00:34:36 Not because when I first met them, they seemed like they ticked all the boxes because, you know, we all know one chemistry can lie. And two, you can have someone who ticks every single box in the world, but then after getting to know them a bit, you're like, actually, you're a bit of a dick. Also, does this person show up for you? Yeah. Because I think he's really showing you who he He might be amazing when you go on your first few dates and you're getting to know each other and you're having all this fun, but he's showing you that he's not there for you when you're down and out. Totally. Also, if you're communicating with him that you're sick, you're going through this on your own, you're bedridden and you're also financially paying for everything and he hasn't at all shown an interest or cared for your health, for your financial well-being. He hasn't contributed in any way.

Starting point is 00:35:24 like that to me speaks so much greater than what he was on the first few dates or how you thought he was prior I myself would I want to continue giving this guy time and energy no I wouldn't and I know that there's probably ways that you could mentally split this you could kind of I think you could convince yourself well we're not exclusive so it's not really his problem yet also the whole you're in the driver's seat of this decision totally you know like you do have more of a basically the outcome could very much change his life and I think a lot of people give a bit too much credit to men in those situations that are like well I was just scared because I didn't know what she was gonna do I think like and I know we've said it this is a real testament to

Starting point is 00:36:08 who his character is because there are some men who will show up for you regardless of whether they're in a relationship with you or whether and what I mean by show up is they just show that they care. They will at least check in. They will offer to financially contribute. That I think should be normal. And I know that there are people out there who would behave like that. And so if you found yourself with someone who only cares in the good times and is completely lacking in empathy right now for you with what you're going through, something that they participated in, regardless of whether you're exclusive or not exclusive, I don't think that they should approach it differently. I think that there should be a level of care and consideration that's still given

Starting point is 00:36:44 and that you are still entitled to so I don't want you to mentally make excuses for him on the basis that there's the caveat of oh but we weren't exclusive so maybe like I shouldn't expect that of him and you know maybe you shouldn't expect it of him but I certainly wouldn't be giving him more opportunities once that termination has happened yeah I think you and I are pretty aligned on how we feel about this and I'm sorry if that's kind of hard for you to process at the moment because you're already going through a lot and you've just moved interstate so I think the next thing to ask yourself is do I have support around me to go through this procedure here or can you potentially go back to where you're from where you have deep connections of people who will look

Starting point is 00:37:25 after you because I mean this experience can be so different for so many people for some people it's a very emotional experience and it's very hard and physically they can experience a lot as well and they need a bit of downtime and they need love around them for other people I know people who have said they've had much much much worse periods and they were not emotionally connected to it whatsoever so it really can exist on such a scale and unfortunately you don't really know how you're going to respond until you're in it totally but also on that though quiche if you have responded adversely to it if it is something that you're struggling with and you've communicated that to the person who has contributed to the situation in the first place and they're not

Starting point is 00:38:06 showing you that they care especially if you're in the early days of dating why would you invest any more time in them you know like because I think that unfortunately this fork in the road has happened so early in your relationship if he showed a deep level of empathy if he showed that he cared around how you feel if he was like making sure financially you're okay it would be a no brainer you would still want to go through with the termination that wouldn't necessarily change your opinion on your fertility or on your plans but it would make you go this is a fucking great guy and I'm someone who turns up for me when I need it yeah and I want to date him like you know way too early to have kids with this person, but I want to date him and I want to see where this

Starting point is 00:38:42 goes. Whereas like he has done the complete opposite. He has shown you in a time of a very stressful situation, who he is and how he's going to show up. And I wouldn't personally be giving him another opportunity. Yeah. From a very serious question to a very silly question. It's real change of pace here. Okay. Question number three, please help me settle this debate between my boyfriend and I. Is it okay to pee in the shower when I shower with my boyfriend? For context, we shower together every night and he always finds it weird and gross that I have to pee in the shower. But I think it's fine as it ends up just going down the same pipes to the same destination as the toilet. Debatable. Do you shit in the shower? Should he just get over it or

Starting point is 00:39:26 should I stop peeing in the shower when he is in there with me? Yes, you should absolutely stop peeing in the shower when he's there with you? Sorry, there are two questions here and one of them really centres around consent, okay? Unless you're into golden showers and you have expressly. She's not peeing on him. She could. But she's just standing to the side of him, around his feet.

Starting point is 00:39:49 I would not like it if my boyfriend peed around me in the shower. Frankly, if you say you don't pee in showers, I think you're lying. I think most people pee in the shower. I agree. It's convenient. It's warm and it makes you need to go. Even if you've done one beforehand, you always end up doing it in the shower. Not the bath though.

Starting point is 00:40:09 You've got to get out of the bath. But the shower's fine. Game on. I see this as if you are alone, absolutely play on. That's your decision. You can make that decision because you're the only one impacted by it. If you're with someone else in the shower, they have to also agree to that. you cannot keep peeing around your boyfriend if he doesn't want you to you're in the wrong

Starting point is 00:40:34 i am in full agreeance and i'm so sorry because when you guys write in questions i know it's usually because you expect that we're gonna side with you or give you the outcome that you hope for i think you're funny and i think you're really bold i do too also like good on you for having the self-confidence just to piss next to your partner who doesn't want you to like good on you for having that much self-confidence. I don't, I don't know where you found it. I'd like some. Okay. I agree. I think anyone who says they don't pee in the shower is lying. I think everybody has peed in the shower, whether you're a regular peer in the shower or whether it just happens from time to time. I think most people pee in the shower. Is it okay to do it when your partner is in the

Starting point is 00:41:13 shower? It's fine if they're fine with it, that he has expressed that he's not fine with it and he would like you to stop and you do not care. And I think that that it's not about whether it's okay because it's the same pipes. It's about him saying this is a boundary for me and you saying I don't care. I'm going to piss on the boundary. I'm going to piss on that boundary. Yeah, so I would say stop.

Starting point is 00:41:37 I would say just go to the toilet first. I don't even mind if you pee while he's in the shower. Like if you're just on the toilet peeing, that's fine. You do you. That's no problem. I mean, oh, look, if he's okay with that, which like, sorry, if you've been peeing in the shower with him, He's probably going to prefer you to be in the toilet bowl next to him.

Starting point is 00:41:55 I think he would be okay with that. Also, okay, do not ever just do it where you just let a little bit go so that no one knows. Like Matt will be brushing his teeth and if I need to pee, I'll just pee a little bit. Good for the pelvic floor. Stop. Pee a little bit.

Starting point is 00:42:06 Stop. Pee a little bit. Stop. So that way he can't tell. Wait, so you secretly pee while? Yeah. You fucking hypocrite. You just told me.

Starting point is 00:42:14 I don't pee, girl. No, this is when he's in the room brushing his teeth. I would never do it with him in the shower. No. I just secret pee if he's coming. If he has entered my space to do something whilst I'm in the shower and he's chatting away, I'm not going to say, hey, honey, can you go outside and piss in the shower?

Starting point is 00:42:29 I'll just try and get away with it. You don't disguise it with a bit of the strong smelling shampoo you've got? A bit of body wash and then I just go on, off, on, off. Too much? Too much. I share too much on this podcast. We all do. We all share way too much.

Starting point is 00:42:44 Yesterday I was at an event for the Witchery White Shirt campaign and Matt's beautiful ex-girlfriend was there, right, who we're friendly with. she's really really lovely every it's also though one of those things where like they're friends and like we're friendly but we're not friends and they are like a long-term she was like a long-term ex of his but we said hello and she's great and she was like I listened to the podcast I'm like please don't why why do you listen to this because it's validating for her because she's like good old seven minutes over here I put myself in the same babe same she's really hot if

Starting point is 00:43:18 you're listening to this you're really hot yeah that's good for her i know yeah that's hurtful sad for matt all right last question i lost my dad when i was a teenager from a neurodegenerative disorder this disorder is genetic and each child has a 50 50 chance of inheriting it with it being a dominant gene actually uh you guys had a conversation with megan marks about something that was inherited in a similar way a couple of months ago there is no cure or treatment so it essentially is a death sentence. My sister is in the latest stages of the disease having been diagnosed in her mid-20s. I haven't been tested due to not feeling ready but I'm starting to look into testing now as I've started to realize how much it has held me back from things in my life

Starting point is 00:44:00 such as my relationships and my career. At this stage from our family history it's looking like I don't have it. I have been single for a long time because of this and not wanting to bring someone into my life just in case I have it for them to have to witness what my family is going through. I've been on a few dates recently, but a lot of the time people ask why I've been single for so long. At what stage do I tell them my family history? I don't want to scare people straight away, but also I don't want to misinform them. I feel very strongly that you do not owe a stranger your medical history. You don't have to tell them all the information because you don't know whether you want to be with them yet either so I think have some grace for yourself I can only

Starting point is 00:44:44 imagine how challenging this has been for you I can only imagine how horrible it must be to feel like you have a death sentence hanging over you and not want to burden anyone with that like that is a truly empathetic and kind way that you've approached it but you also can't limit your life and not live your life in the fear of something that could be 10 years 20 years 30 years a normal lifespan. You know what I mean? Imagine getting to a ripe old age and being like, I never lived my life to the fullest because I was so afraid of dying earlier, but it never happened. You will live with so much regret. And I know it's easy for me to say this because I'm not going through it. And so please forgive me if that comes across in any way ignorant or insensitive, but I just don't

Starting point is 00:45:29 think that you have to share with someone your medical, your very, very personal family medical history until you're at a point where you feel as though that person is worthy of you investing that in them and then they can make up their decision if that's the case and that might be then something that you have to go through that could potentially show whether they're either a invested or b it might be hurtful if they decide it's too much for them but I don't think it's wise for you to approach very early dating with the extremely heavy information of something that you don't have all the information for because people will always go to worst case scenario or they'll go okay well do I want to invest my time in that and the thing is you just don't know the person yet

Starting point is 00:46:12 you don't know whether or not you want to invest your time in them. I completely agree with everything you've said and I truly have a lot of empathy for the anxiety that you have to live with this space of not knowing because I think it's a question that a lot of people especially ones that have the potential of inheriting a neurodegenerative disorder that is dominantly inherited often and I'm not sure if this is the case for yours but often with dominant conditions like this the age of onset gets younger as the generations go on and so I think that as you've stated your sister is in the late stages of this disease so I mean it's completely up to you you've said that you're probably at the point where you are going to get tested yourself and I just send

Starting point is 00:46:57 so much love to you for that because that would just be such a fucking hard decision to make because on one hand it could give you so much freedom because it could say you're in the clear and then hopefully your anxieties about this would go away. But also even if you do get tested for that if it's something that's hereditary in your family is there still the fear around well could I pass it on through a recessive gene to my child will that then be a consideration for a partner if we want to have children together like does it go beyond it just being about you and then being about like what your next generation could look like if you do want to have children is that something that you're grappling with for dominant conditions that's not usually the case right um

Starting point is 00:47:36 for receptive conditions it absolutely is something that you would need to go through genetic testing if you were sorry you may want to go through genetic testing if you wanted to have a child but the other thing that i think you may be kind of missing in this is that you're kind of talking about like, at what stage do I tell them about my family history? Again, they're not entitled to that information, but when you find someone that you feel comfortable sharing that with, that's a very real thing that you're experiencing in your life and that you're having to go through with your family and be alongside your sister as she is going through this condition. And I think it's really, really sad, but I do understand where it comes from that

Starting point is 00:48:17 you haven't wanted to let someone get close because right now you're dealing with a lot so I think just kind of try and take the pressure off of yourself because you are experiencing something that many many many of us will never have to go through and I don't want you to also be hard on yourself being like oh but I'm also not achieving in my career and not achieving in my relationships totally totally you're actually you're doing a fucking good job well you're also in survival mode you can't be you can't be flourishing in areas of your life when you're in survival mode that I almost want to, I mean, in knowing that you don't know and whether you do go and get tested or don't get tested as entirely up to you and how, what will give you

Starting point is 00:48:57 less or more anxiety, like how you, you feel is the best way for you to live. But I think it's important to kind of flip the script a little bit. And I guess I want to ask the question of if this was happening to someone else, if there was someone else who was in your life, who you loved, who had the possibility or the situation that you were in, would you think that they're deserving of love and or a relationship? Would you think that they're still deserving of somebody out there wanting to be with them? Or would you say to your family member or your friend, actually, that's too much of a burden? Like what would be your honest opinion if it wasn't about yourself, but it was about someone else? And because I'm talking about you, I would say

Starting point is 00:49:35 you're so deserving of being loved. You're so deserving of a relationship and somebody who wants to be with you will make the choice as though they're opting in. But you've got to give them the opportunity to make that decision if they want to make it. But I think you only have to give that decision to someone who is worthy of it, of someone who's invested, of someone who is deserving of that information. And you don't have to tell anyone who you don't know that information because that's something that's earned when there's a level of connection and trust and commitment almost. Absolutely. And it sounds by the way you've written this in that you've kind of gone on the assumption that if you were to tell anyone that this was the case

Starting point is 00:50:13 and that you were positive for the genetic mutation you're kind of assuming that they would run for the hills you know like you're not actually giving them the opportunity to say okay well like what's this going to look like for us you're just kind of making the firm assumption that no one would want to be with you and exactly like you said Laura you're very worthy of love and and I'm really sorry for what you're going through and what your sister and your family are experiencing as well, because it must be really, really, really challenging and very difficult. Yeah, absolutely. I know when we spoke to Megan, she, she spoke about going through a very, very similar situation and going through the real considerations around what would dating

Starting point is 00:50:51 look like. Maybe it would give you some solace to have listened to that episode, to talk to other people who maybe have been in similar situations, how they navigated the idea of dating, whether it's something they felt comfortable to do, because I mean, we can tell you what we think, but at the same time, we have never been in this situation. So I hope that we're approaching it with enough empathy and with enough understanding from the little bit of information that you've given us. We'll link the Megan Marks episode in the show notes as well, if you want to have a listen to it and go back so you can find it easily. But that is it from Ask Guys. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, slide into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast and pop

Starting point is 00:51:26 it in there. Also, if you have any accidentally unfiltered stories or anything at all, you know where to find us. I've just realised this might be my last Ask Uncut for a while. Brit might be back next week. I mean, well, I don't know. Who knows? Who knows? Keep voting.

Starting point is 00:51:42 Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote, because if she wins, $100,000 will be going to a very deserving charity in Rise Up. Well, it works tenfold, right? One, if you keep voting, Brit could win, which is also a win. And then also if you keep voting, producer Keisha stays on the podcast longer. Like, everyone's a winner, baby. That might detract me.

Starting point is 00:51:59 We're like, fucking bring Brit back. No, absolutely not. I have loved having you on the podcast. I have loved recording alongside you. Anyway, guys, you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Are You the Interruptee or the Interrupter?

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