Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Back ups, Bills and Bed Side Manner

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

Hey Lifers!Welcome back to therapy where we all share our shit and feel better about ourselves! First up today, well... it's chaos.Bills need to be paid and they're multiplying! But we also need to learn to distinguish the difference between a legitimate bill and a scam. *Brittany Hockley we are looking at you.We're all up to date with our skin checks, but Laura's got a bee in her bonnet about specialists waiting rooms. Vibes this week: Laura: Black Friday sales (swipe up swipe up ToniMay) Britt: Hand held steamer Keeshia: (snuck in two)Habit tracker app (This is the apple version)Podcast episode of The Daily Aus - Why a war crime whistleblower could go to jailQuestions for today: I’m 49 and have been divorced for 3 years after a 26 year marriage. I’m quite content on my own and have great friends but I recently decided to try online dating, just to see what it’s about and to have some male company and my profile says ‘nothing serious’. Anyway, I’ve been catching up with one guy once a month for dinner and sex; he is really lovely. Last weekend I went on a date with a different guy and he was wonderful too. My problem is… can I date 2 guys at the same time? I feel so guilty. The first guy probably wouldn’t mind that much but the second guy would hate it. Do I have to tell them about each other? My partner of 3 years has told me if I don’t ‘put out’ more he is going to leave me.  We are both in our early 30s and his number 1 priority in a relationship is sex. We currently have sex twice a week and that isn’t enough for him. He told me our sex life is shit and makes him unhappy and people our age should be having sex all the time. I have vaginismus which is getting better but I don’t find sex enjoyable. I cannot orgasm from penetration, it can be uncomfortable but I can still have sex. He has said everything else in our relationship is perfect but the reason we are not engaged is because of the sex.. I feel really low about this. Any advice please I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the last year and a half. I've been a nurse for the last 5 years working with children and I've seen some terrible things. When we first started dating he mentioned he didn’t like hearing these “horrible stories'' so I lessened them. Just recently I was talking about work again and he said the same thing “I don’t want to hear about these stories.' I obviously don’t want to upset him but from time to time I want him to listen to my day and just vent. Am I being ridiculous by being upset that my partner can’t handle listening to my stories here and there? Or do I just stop talking about work altogether? We spoke about our episode on vaginismus with the wonderful Jessie Stephens and you can listen here If you have a question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I am Laura. I don't know if someone slipped her something in a drink. What is wrong with you? I'm in such a good mood, which I shouldn't be.

No, you should be, but I don't think this is a good mood. I thought you were loopy. Like I've lost the plot. It's finally happened after four and a half years. Oh, wait, you think you haven't lost the plot before this moment? That is incorrect. That is entirely inaccurate. No, I had a real doozy of a day yesterday.

I had a lot of tears. And then, you know, when you're upset and you have like a bad day, I'll explain the bad day another day today's not the day you can't breadcrumb your craziness and not tell anyone why you had a bad day exciting I just had a bad day you cried for ages like for hours but you know when you've had that low the only way to go the only place to go after that is up and so now I'm on the manic high uh yeah that's right it's up and loopy you've gone you're on the way up but then you've taken a bypass and then you're like doing little circles on the way up and then you're gonna go back and continue on your journey well I'm having a good time anyway

Welcome back to the podcast, everyone. It is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark and your burning questions. I'm glad you haven't sat in that moment. Like, I'm glad you haven't sat in yesterday because a lot of people get sad and then they can't get out of it. But you shot right out. No, I don't stay sad for long. I just get down there. Some mushrooms. I flirt with the sadness, have a bad day. And then usually the next day I wake up and I'm like, cool. I'm glad we got that out of our system. Also, every so often a good cry, man it's a reset it is a reset well i know you got a new laptop because you dropped yours in a bucket of water i did if you listened to tuesday's episode i mentioned this on my suck but i don't

think i really explained the depths of what losing a laptop to a bottle of baby fucking bottle does to your soul like my entire laptop so if you missed it on the second suite of tuesdays when we were flying back from byron lola she's i mean man she shouldn't have a bottle anymore the kids you know what even at 30 you have a drink bottle like you're all it's okay to have a drink bottle. No, but the problem is it's not a drink. It's not a Frank green drink bottle. It's a baby bottle. Like it's a bottle that an infant should have. She's too old for it. And I know she's too old for it. They're the bottles that leak because they have a little teat. And so when the air pressure comes, it pushes the water out. I know all this. I know she also has a dummy. I just

can't be fucked. Take it off her yet. You're opening yourself up here. I know you can judge my terrible parenting. I don't care the bottle and the dummy thing. I was like, when she actually turns three I'll take them off her and I know it's really old for her to still have a bottle she barely uses it she just carries it around she just likes having the option of it you know she just all right we're getting a bit deep into Lola's drinking habits here okay makes it feel secure no because I know there's going to be mums listening to this who are like what 14,000 day old has a has a drink bottle 14,000 and a half day old okay so I had the bottle in my bag it exploded with the air pressure of the cabin, you know, anyway, it went all through my laptop. Matt spent

two days trying to revive my laptop and he'd put it in a box covered in rice. He then had the hair dry out and was trying to dry it out. Very optimistic of him. It really was. And he was like, don't worry, baby, I'm going to save this because it had everything I needed in it. Like there's so much of my life that's in that laptop. Well, I think the old like rice in a bucket thing usually works when maybe you've spilled a little bit on a phone or something, but like, it's not like throwing your laptop in the ocean and then getting it back out and being like, throw some rice on it doesn't quite work yeah look I'd like to confirm it did not work I was optimistic I thought things would go my way you know every so often the universe throws you a bone not today

my friend narrator it did not go her way it did not go my way I end up having to go to the apple store and I got a new laptop which is very sexy it is sexy it's a nice like it looks good but it's pretty useless at the moment because all the things I need are not inside this they're inside the laptop that's on my kitchen bench covered in rice. It is like being reborn, isn't it? It's like when you get a new phone or a new laptop and you're so used to knowing where everything is, what you've got on there and getting a new one, it's a rebirth. No, I'm so naked. I don't know where anything is. Also, it's very inconvenient timing, but that's okay. Maybe that added to why I was like so sad yesterday. Can I also just like take this moment, everyone listening,

wherever you are, if you're sitting in your car, if you're on the bus, if you're sitting at home, maybe you're playing this through your laptop. If you have ever had the thought over the last couple of months or weeks. God, I really need to back that up. But you didn't do it because we've all been there. We've all thought I need to do this. And then you're like, I'll just do it in the future. And then the future comes and the future looks like your, your laptop swimming in your handbag with a bottle of water. Just do it now. Go back it up. You just reminded me, I have been getting messages for like the better part, the better part of six months. I've been getting these sporadic messages like literally to my normal iMessage you owe this

money like you haven't paid this money for tolls for like travel and I have a linked card that I direct debit right so like you know you get the things you stick on your window every time you go in I have linked that to a direct debit so I kept getting these messages and I'm like it's obviously a scam because there were scams going around yeah like click this link pay your toll and you're like no I don't need to totally so I've ignored it automatically exactly so I mean I wouldn't know what that's like but apparently things come out automatically and it's so bad but yeah exactly you could learn something Laura it always came with a link to click and I never did it because I thought once I clicked on it you know that's the scam once

you click on it somehow in my mind it takes all your your data it knows everything about you once you go follow that link so I ignored it I've probably got like 80 messages over what span of time are we talking a year yeah quite a long time then the messages started getting quite like more severe and aggressive. Like it went from you owe this, you owe this, and the prices kept going up, please check this, you owe this, this. And I was like, fuck, these people even blocked the number and then they started messaging me from a different number.

And I was like, God, these scammers don't get it. They're good. They're good. And I finally, because I got a message on the weekend being like, your details have been obtained by a New South Wales law, like full-on police, like we're investigating, this is your case number, all this stuff. And I was like, wow, they're going to the extreme.

Debt collectors will be coming, you owe this much money. and I was like, I'll just risk it. I'll just click on the link. Anyone's real. I haven't paid any of my bills for a year. I had a ridiculous amount. I don't even want to say it. A ridiculous amount of tolls.

That's very annoying. I know, I know. But also not your fault because we've been led to believe that any text message that comes through from like an unauthorized number is a scam. Exactly, exactly. But anyway, maybe just investigate that.

If you guys are also getting those messages, it might actually be real. It could actually be real. You could actually have a debt collector are coming after you. So yesterday I finally, I made an appointment to go and get my skin checked and I have been meaning to go and do this since you were talking about everything that you had done a couple of months ago, Brit. Brit went through having her skin checked. Then she went through this crazy hectic peel. And I mean, I'm glad you waited six months. I finally made the

appointment. I went for my screening yesterday. I did the mole map thing, you know, when you stand. So for anyone who hasn't been, you can go and get a full body mole map thing where you stand and they take photos of like your shins then they take photos of your midsection then they take photos of your head and then you turn around then you do the same thing you do these random poses your entire body and they take photos of every single part of your body and then they map the moles to your body so they can track how big they get you know what how they change and everything it's very important go to a skin clinic like you should do this but have you guys ever experienced going to a doctor that just has like not a bedside manner that aligns with the bedside manner in which you

would expect or which you would hope for yeah so with the whole mall mapping thing you've got to be like quite naked and then i did like the doctor's check afterwards so i was naked except for a g-string in front of and boobs out boobs out in front of like a 40 year old man i didn't know he was going to be a man i would have preferred to have chosen a female obviously it doesn't matter he sees boobs all day but like professional and my g-string was like it was really old i can imagine what your g-string was i you do not even need to spell that one it's been through an aggressive wash cycle and things are not things are just not as tucked in as they used to be i feel like everything needs more support and i hate being you look shocked and you look

horrified i'm just imagining now like a really discolored g-string with your flaps out the side well yeah they went out the side they were just outside they were just loosely loosely held within my it was a highway running between two mountains yes thank you between a very see-through well-worn underwear i also imagine not that it matters but i've got a real visual now i imagine you wouldn't have been like waxed or anything no because I just didn't expect that I was getting I didn't expect I was getting that naked I also didn't expect it to be a 40 year old man I just thought because my my general GP she's a female I never feel like oh whatever anyway so he's checking my back and he's he's very softly spoken he speaks like this really softly spoken excuse me

could you please remove your pants and I'm like okay this is weird so I take my pants off and he's like, could you please just remove your covering? I was like, okay, so here I am removing my covering. And then the longer this went on, the weirder the quiet whispering got. It made me feel so uncomfortable because when someone's speaking to you like this, I wanted him to be assertive. I wanted him to be like, okay, now I'm going to check your back. He was like, now I'm going to check your back. No, it wasn't a sexual experience. I wanted you to be assertive. Tell me what you want hold me down tell me spin me around throw me give me a slap in the butt like he's a he's a doctor choke me he's like ma'am do you know where you are you were in a doctor's clinic no this is

when it got weird so he kept telling me that i was doing a really good job but he whispered it so like chris jenner'd you like every time i would you know he would check my back and he would go you're doing a really good job okay jeffrey darmer so then he checked my boobs and he's like you're doing a really good job. And I was like, I am so uncomfortable. But also like, what job are you doing? You're standing there naked. I was doing it really well. You stood there, you naked, you nakeded it so well. Why is it that every time I go and have some sort of healthcare appointment, it ends up just being uncomfortable and awkward. And I know there's going to be someone listening to this and they're going to be like, don't talk about the awkward things we need to advocate for

good health. And of course we do go and get your skin checked. I'm not saying that, but like, you know bedside manner is important and i feel like if you're going to be checking a person naked don't whisper at them it makes it weird you're doing a good job oh yeah you're doing a good job i went and got my skin checked again yesterday too that definitely did not happen but i had a real doozy yesterday i don't know what happened when i woke up like i just wasn't my brain just wasn't functioning so why were you asleep getting a skin check your first problem and then he was laying next to me going stroking your hair yeah yeah is that not normal uh your doctor doesn't do house visits no i just woke up my brain was all over the place so i got up and i

had a full day of like shit to get through i had appointments and i had errands and i had to be out with delilah and obviously i had my very important coffee appointment but it was like halfway through the day that i realized my pants were on backwards and i had a full-on tag flapping out and not only the tag I had these pants that they're like bike pants but that you know where all the information isn't written on a tag but it's written on the material so everyone could see it did you not feel like there was extra room in the front and the back was really tight no because they weren't backwards they were inside out so they were just so inside out I was like how have I been out for for four hours talking to people and no one has told me because I'm the person if I saw somebody

like that i would tell them i would go up to them and say sorry don't embarrass you but like just want you to know your pants are on inside out i can see where you got them from i can see that they're made in china laura jane they're beautiful i would tell somebody but then last night we went out for a dinner and a drink like the three of us keisha laura and myself and halfway through the night keisha leans over and she's like oh britney sorry you've got this black mascara all down your cheek she's like can i get it off and i was like oh my god thank you it must have just fallen and Laura goes, Laura's like, oh, I've seen that there for hours. And I said, well, why don't you tell me? And she was too hard. It was too hard to tell you. And I'm like, you're that person. You're the

person that doesn't tell someone that they've got like a whole thing of asparagus in their teeth. I don't. And do you know why? It's not because I often forget. It's not that I forget. You don't forget. You're looking at them. You are looking at my face being like, she's got that on her face, but it's too hard to get off. No, I do forget. So like, and I wonder if other people relate to this. If I see that someone has something in their teeth or they have something on their face i'll clock it but but wait but wait i clock it but then like it's so not a thing to me like you having a little bit of mascara on your cheek like i had a nice fancy restaurant it just didn't like i noticed it but then i didn't notice

it after that and so like you're in the middle of speaking so i didn't want to be like oh excuse me you've got this on your face i just i wasn't i wasn't in a presentation in a stage i was only talking to you i know but it's just like i just don't notice these things on people i would spit on your face and wipe it off in the middle of you talking if you had something on your face that sounded aggressive I would lick my thumb I would lick my thumb with my own saliva and like you know how your mum does it and like scrubs that thing off your face that's what I would do anyway I think I learned a lot about my two closest friends last night at dinner yeah I think people are going to interpret that as though that that's a bad quality but it is no I just I just don't care

that much like if I had something I do it's not about you you don't need to care I need to care you idiot. I guess what I'm saying is, is it's not a big deal if I had a little bit of, I know, but if I had a bit of mascara on my face, it's not a big deal. Would I care if you pointed it out to me? Probably not. That is a load of rubbish. You would care if you'd been walking around with something on your face and you got home and I was like, sorry, I saw that there four hours ago, but I didn't want to tell you guys I've walked around with literal human shit on me before and I haven't noticed and no one told me. So I feel like-

I had a turd on my head. No, I had shit on my shirt. Lola, shit on my shirt. And I walked around with it and no one told me. And then I thought it was cappuccino, but it wasn't. We've all been there if you're a mum. Anyway. Let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes

before we answer your questions. And I have a self-indulgent vibe, but I don't even care because it's that time of year, everybody, because I'm excited. and that is that it is Tony May's Black Friday sale starts today which is if we could afford sound effects I'd be like swipe up swipe up swipe up like I don't talk about Tony May much on here and it's like this other whole business and this other whole life that takes as much mental space

it takes as much time as Life Uncut does but because Life Uncut is so media phasing that it kind of seems like this is my number one and only thing that I do I guess in the world of work but Tony May has like been around for 14 years now and these like four days is our I mean it's fuck it's crazy it's crazy for me being associated with you just being in your world over this time because it's the busiest craziest time of year for you yeah why are Black Friday sales the biggest is it because you can do your Christmas shopping like we don't even do Thanksgiving no do you know what though Black Friday is it's obviously very Americanized and I think some people are annoyed by it because some people like oh it's the American way they're taking over with their

Halloween and their Black Fridays. I don't care if I get 25%. Totally. I was like, take over if it means I'm going to get 70% off shit. No, but I think the reason why is because like traditionally in Australia, the biggest sales used to be Boxing Day sales. Like people used to go into the city, line up, used to see it. I remember watching the news and people would line up. Like back when I used to have my shop in Westfield, people camped out to do a Boxing Day sale, right? And they would be in the stores at 7am. Like it was a crazy frenetic energy. But since online shopping has happened and Black Friday has been established within Australia, Boxing Day sales are actually quite disappointing now, especially if you shop in store, like they're very, very average in

comparison to what they used to be. And the reason why Black Friday has taken over is because people do all their pre-Christmas shopping. So you actually save money. You can get all your Christmas presents now. And for every single business, and I'm talking like big businesses, but also small businesses like businesses like tony may this is like when we as a business make majority of our revenue to get you through all of the quiet months like january february march april they are really shitty months for retail and that's why you have things like valentine's day that's why you have different little events that are peppered throughout the year to try and spike retail sales it's also so great because like the old boxing day sale which you know growing up was

the biggest thing for us like it was huge because you do save so much money but it sort of defeats the purpose. And it was a bit unfair because people need those savings before Christmas. Like people don't want to make those savings after they've spent a mozza on getting through Christmas presents. Like they want it now. Totally. But I also, apart from just the, I want it now thing, everyone talks about like Black Friday as though it is like consumerist and it's like a really negative thing, which I understand, right? Like it does play into that, but I think it is far more negative and far more impactful if the Boxing Day sales happen after Christmas and they are the biggest sales of the year. Because the reality is, is that we live in

a culture that's going to buy things pre-Christmas anyway, and then people are buying more things post-Christmas. So if you're allowing people to buy something at a discount pre-Christmas, it actually then deters them from buying more once Christmas Day is past. So I actually think it does have its benefits as well. Also, I have a food coma on Boxing Day. I don't want to be fucking shopping. I don't even want to be on my phone shopping on like the day after Christmas. I just want to be chilling with the family, enjoying some leftover ham or turkey. That's it. All day with all the things you bought on Black Friday sale from Tony May hashtag but 70% off it's great that's my that's my vibe and I promise next week I'll bring

a non-work vibe I'm wearing it now actually this is Tony May this is Tony that's not this is Tony May look away Laura that brand they're not on sale no but they're quite it's nice but um these are all Tony May like 90% of what I'm wearing right now is Tony May 90% of what I always wear is Tony May and if I ever wear something else Laura's like where's that from trader trader yeah whore okay well my my vibe this week is believe it or not it's not true crime it's not a tv show it is something very domestic because i am 10 of the time a domestic goddess 90 i'm a slob 90 so that's that's my ratio how wait what was your ratio just and i missed it 10 domestic goddess 90 slob yeah no i think that that's a pretty fair that's accurate i think that's good

i think i mean every so often she'll have the burst of energy you're looking at your life that's accurate. I feel like 10% is a particularly poor number. It is. If you think I'm less than that, fuck you. Keisha's face. Sometimes the truth hurts, man. Do you know what I do? 100% sloth. Because I have a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment for myself. It is old. It is by no mean lush. So it does, I feel like old places look dirtier and slobbier quicker too. Also for anyone who's new, who doesn't know the backstory of Brit's apartment, I know most of you do, but like Matt and I lived in that apartment. We conceived our children in that apartment.

Lola used to live in a fold-out cot in the hallway in that apartment. I have a problem with you saying conceived. You could just say we had our first two kids. We conceived. We sexed. We fucked all over that house. We made love. He came inside me.

He came in me. His sperm made its way, slithered into my egg. It swam all the way into my fallopian tubes. No, it doesn't do that, does it? That's bad. No, the sperm does not swim into the fallopian tubes. If it swims into your fallopian tubes, you're in trouble. It does?

Your fallopian tubes go to your ovaries, guys. I thought it swims into your ovaries. You're doing egg freezing. Wait, does it swim into your fallopian tubes, fertilise the egg at the source and then it goes down into the uterus or does it already implant and then it fertilises? No, it does because it has to make its way down. All right, then delete that because I sound stupid.

No, the embryo does need to make its journey back down. How did we get here? What is your domestic vibe? What is your vibe? What I was going to say is, yes, Keisha, to appease you, I'm more on the messy side because what I do is, like, once a room gets too messy and I can't be bothered to clean I just go to the next one so I have one once one bathroom gets too dirty I know I have another clean one so I go to that and then when

they're both messy that's when I have to do the clean anyway that's irrelevant that's just my ratio I'm talking about 90% slob instead of like a binge eater I'm a binge cleaner so like I'll do it sporadically and I'll clean to the nth degree like I will scrub every nook and cranny I binge it you know do you angry clean because this is what I do I like let my house get into such disarray and then when I have to clean it, I'm angry that I'm cleaning it. So then I'm like wandering around the house in an angry fit of cleaning and then I'm angry at Matt because I'm cleaning and he's not cleaning at the exact time that I want to clean.

Cleaning makes me mad. I stress clean. Like when I'm really stressed about stuff. I think it's like a control thing. They do relate it back to anxiety. Anyway, what's your vibe? No, no, no. I want to contribute to this too.

I domino clean. So I domino clean in terms of like once I start one thing, then it goes on. So if I'm like, oh, I'll just fold these clothes and put them away, then I'm in there and I'm like, oh, while I'm in there, I'll clean the cupboard then I'm like oh now I you know it's a domino effect anyway this is actually genuinely life-changing for I think anyone Ben even came like last week and he was like I'm gonna go buy one of these he's like this is fucking so good it is just a very tiny the size slightly bigger than your hand a handheld portable steamer that is like almost single use so it's got

this tiny little water thing it is the best thing I have ever had it heats up in about five seconds So you fill this tiny little jug of water, stick it in it. It is so portable. You could take it overseas with you if you wanted. And it takes three seconds to heat up. It comes with a hanger. It's amazing. And it's like I'm not even recommending a brand.

I'm recommending these handheld steamers. You will never get your ironing board out again because it takes five seconds in and out and you're done. It takes five seconds to cool down and you put it away. It's actually the best thing I've ever bought. Hang on. Sorry, I'm confused. Is this a garment steamer or is this a cleaning machine?

No, a garment steamer. How did we get there from cleaning? because Keisha called me out when I gave you my ratio of slobbiness so I wanted to expand on that what I am recommending is just these tiny handheld steamers if you travel a lot even like domestically it just absolutely changed my life so that is my vibe Amazon tiny little baby handheld steamer anyway Keisha give us a more and more intelligent uh than both of us excuse me well there is nothing wrong with a handheld steamer no there is nothing wrong but this was a dig at both of us I'm all meant. What can people learn from? How can they grow as a person? Wow. Okay. That's not what vibe

is. But you know what they will be? They will be covered in good jewels and they'll have freshly steamed clothes. They will be presentable to be fair. Am I allowed to have two really quick? Okay. So the first one actually came from one of our wonderful lifers and it was after you and I, Laura, just last Tuesday discussed me being diagnosed with ADHD. So it's called Habit Tracker. It's an app and I think you can get a free version, but pay once forever version was $9.99. So I was like, that's 10 bucks, whatever. I'll give it a crack. You basically can go through this list of habits that you're trying to either do or things that you're trying to quit. And you select the ones that you want. Like, so for myself, I've got five, I've got stretch, read a

book, sleep early, exercise, walk, drink water. That's six. Anyway, so you set the goals that you want and you can set certain alarms for particular days. So I'll have the drink water, three liters of water for every day, but I've only got the sleep early for like the days that are not the weekends. I'm finding it so, so useful. I'm absolutely loving it. It's just this little tiny reminder and it's things that I really want to like try and work on. What makes it different to where you would just put your reminders in a reminder app or Google calendar? So I think you have to, I don't know, there surely would be a way, but I don't know how to do it. You'd have to like copy paste it onto every day. Whereas this is an app that's like set up to do it every day.

Yeah. Yeah. So you don't have to put it in your Google calendar. I mean, I'm sure you could do that but i'm not that tech savvy what do you want to achieve through this what's the plan she wants to stretch on wednesday she wants to go to sleep i am perpetually forgetful and i'm always kind of like oh i really want to be working on that but i forget about it and then i don't really make it a priority so this makes me a kind of reminder so it's just that little reminder i get one at 12 o'clock to make me drink more water i get one at nine o'clock to tell me to start winding down like i'm finding it really useful it's really good i think that this sort of stuff makes me feel more overloaded sometimes it can yeah sometimes if you if you're not achieving them i think that's why

you've got to make them realistic i think my problem is this stuff doesn't it doesn't work for me because i'll get a reminder come through like if i don't want to do it it doesn't make me do it i just cancel the reminder and stay on the lounge like i'm really bad that's called discipline yeah i i just feel like if i want i don't know maybe i'm just a different i guess it's one of those things right where it's not for everyone it's not everyone doesn't work in the same capacity which is probably great for you and those with adhd who need that structure i think it also comes down to two things. One, how much you want the habit in the first place and how much you actually want. Like we often like convince ourselves we want to do things, but we don't

actually want to do the thing. We want the end result. So like when it comes to like new year's resolutions, everyone's always like, I want to lose 10 kilos, but no one's saying I want to exercise every day. So if your intention is that you want to exercise every day, not that you just want the end goal of it, then you're more inclined to actually enact the habit. But also Brit, like you're the person who ignored a debt collector messaging you every day for a year. So they You could probably, I'm not the person. He reminded me every day and I was like, no thanks. You're probably not the reminder queen.

Can I sneak one really quickly? Because Laura and I discussed this and it was a very, very interesting conversation. It is an episode of the Daily Oz and it's called Why a War Crime Whistleblower Might Go to Jail. So this is from a couple of years ago. There's a guy called David McBride and he was in the army. He was a major.

I'm not exactly sure of his role. Yeah, it's really interesting this. Yeah, essentially he was the whistleblower who said that there were Australian soldiers doing unlawful things and there are a couple of levels that he went to you know within the military kind of telling them that this is what was going on and essentially he was like they're not doing anything about it and he eventually went to the media and that's how we had all these you remember a couple years ago where all these war crimes by Australians were exposed it was that it was the same time there's

a lot of sexual assault and stuff being exposed yeah it was horrible anyway that guy is now facing trial because he's disclosed secret information. And there are laws in Australia that are meant to protect whistleblowers, but for some reason, this guy is not essentially covered by them. So this court case is happening right now. It is very, very interesting because something that they brought up on the podcast, Em Gillespie, if you know her, she hosted this particular episode. Essentially, there was this conversation between her and the person she was interviewing, And it brought up the question of like if we don't allow whistleblowers to be protected, this is a threat to democracy.

If you don't have a place where people can go and talk about the wrong things that are happening within whatever organisation they work for and you're going to protect them, I think it's really damaging and it's quite dangerous to talk about what people are able to get away with. What it does do as well is obviously just deters anyone from ever coming forward ever again. Everyone's like, well, okay, well, you know, I'm not going to go and fight an injustice because you're going to throw me in jail.

Exactly. That's the fear of it. That's exactly the point. That's exactly why governments do it. I think that this is such an interesting recommendation. I know we had a really great chat about it. And for anyone who does remember, I mean, you can Google it. There were videos and footage of one of the soldiers drinking out of a prosthetic leg.

They were carrying it around like a trophy. And this is all circulating from around the time when Australia had a really strong military pull over the Middle East. I mean, this is ongoing, but it does make you question like who is the person that should be reprimanded? Is it the people who are there who are creating the war crimes or is it the whistleblower? And it seems like it's a misdirection of anger at the moment. Yeah.

So this particular episode, like the Daily Oz, what they do, they do the news bulletins at the start and then they do a deep dive. The episode, the whole episode only goes for 16 minutes. So it's not like this is not going to take you long to get through. But for me, it was very, very interesting. It's snackable. Yeah, totally. And we'll put the links to that in the show notes.

Anyway, let's get into answering all your questions. Question number one. Hi, I'm 49 and I have been divorced for three years after a 26 year marriage. I'm quite content on my own and I have great friends, but I recently decided to try online dating just to see what it's all about and to have some male company. And my profile says nothing serious. Anyway, I've been catching up with one gentleman once a month for dinner and sex. He is really lovely. Last weekend, I went on a date with a different guy and he was wonderful too. My problem is, can I date two guys at the same time. I'm starting to feel really guilty. The first guy probably wouldn't mind

that much, but the second guy would hate it. Do I have to tell them about each other? Absolutely. You need to be getting all that D. You can date as many people as you want, especially off the back of a 26 year marriage. Like I think you deserve that. You deserve to go and have fun. You deserve it. You deserve the experience. And you don't owe anybody anything. Absolutely not. And I understand why you're asking this because you have been out of the dating game for 26 years you've been married so I mean you don't know if there's quote unquote rules or dating etiquette and there is dating etiquette for sure once you have a conversation with one of these men like this is very casual I think you said once a month once the other guy

no the other guy she's gone on dates with and she likes him and she wants to know she can date them both you do not need to tell him unless you want to or you obviously have the exclusive chat or he asks you outright because I don't think you should be lying if he says like you know are you seeing anyone else like yeah I mean yeah sometimes nothing serious but I am you know exploring my options and then if the conversation that ensues off the back of that is I don't feel comfortable with that well then you need to have a conversation and decide whether you are ready to get into an exclusive relationship again or not and that is your boundary and your prerogative 100% I agree I agree. I agree. But I also have slight disagreements. And the only reason why

is because I do think if you are saying like, you know, that he would be not okay with it, that must be because he has explained what he's looking for. Maybe he said he's looking for something serious. Maybe he's looking for an exclusive relationship, whatever it is. If you know that he is going to hate it, then that is because he's been in some way led to believe that it's the alternate, right? Or he's controlling, you know, totally, which is why a very honest conversation needs to be had. So like an honest conversation around, not around, and I don't mean around I'm dating this person, I've got this and this going on, an honest conversation around what you want and what you're looking for. And if that is something that is not exclusive, then I do think

it is important to say, look, this is where I'm at in my dating relationship experience. I'm out of a divorce. I've just recently started dating again. I'm not looking for anything serious. So if you're wanting a committed relationship where there's nothing else going on, then maybe I'm not the right person for you. I mean, I kind of think that it can lead you into more problems if you're dating people who think that you're exclusive. Yeah. I mean, I am going to strongly disagree on this purely because you've been on one date with this guy and you've already said, you know, he's going to hate it. Like you do not owe this guy anything after one day. Oh no, I agree. You don't owe him shit after one day. So you do not have to have that conversation with him. Absolutely

not. If you want to move forward with him and the conversation comes up organically, but just so you know, you don't have to go on one date with someone and then tell them everything about you and say, I'm seeing somebody else is, you know, if you know, after one day with someone, you have just met them. If you know, after one date that they will hate, if you see anyone else, that'd be putting a red flag up for me, just so, just so you're aware. So I genuinely think you don't know anyone, anything at this stage. And I think you can date two people at once. I have a question for you though. Okay. So just say you meet someone online and they are clear with you. They're like, I'm looking for a relationship. Like just say, somebody's like, I'm putting it all out there

into the, into the world, what I want in a person and what I want in my dating life so that I don't have people wasting my time. They're like, you know, Hey, I like you. You seem great. What I'm looking for is a relationship. I'm looking for someone who wants to do life with me. You know, is that you? I don't know, but that's what I'm looking for. Is that something that you're open for? You know, is that where you're at in life? Are you looking for something that's exclusive? If you're not, if you're at the place where she is, you're looking for no strings attached. you're looking for you know dating experiences you're looking for fun do you think that there is a moral obligation to be truthful to that person who is putting out there what they are

looking for in the world or do you think yeah I do think so I think if someone has said I'm looking to you know I'm trying to find my life partner and have kids and you know you want to fuck once and then that's it I think it's important that you also say hey I'm happy to meet up with you but I'm not looking for anything serious and that's why I reiterate my point my opinion is that she has literally done all the right things. She said, I am not looking for anything serious. That's on her dating site. She's done that.

She's been on one date with this guy and she knows that he's not going to like her seeing anyone else. Red flag. Yeah, I agree. I probably wouldn't go and date that person again, to be honest. I mean, there are people who, though, and, like, this is just a different way of dating, especially if you're looking for, like, you know, a long-term exclusive relationship.

There's, like, two different ways you can go about it. Fill your egg. Don't get too attached to any one person, you know, like fill your egg. Fill your basket. Yeah, I was like, what? don't fill your Easter basket do not fill your egg because you will then have a baby that was not the plan fill your basket date lots of people expose yourself to lots of things and then you might figure out what it is that you want the other way in which people approach dating especially

if they're after like a long-term partner is not to fill your basket with too many people because then it's like you don't actually get to connect with any one person you're kind of like it's like a scattergun approach and you kind of are like, oh, what's next? What's better? You're constantly comparing. So I think the approach to dating is different depending on what you want the outcome to be. If you're wanting a long-term relationship, I would say date less people, get to know them quickly. I don't know quickly, but like get to know whether they are potential or not, and then discard. That sounds so mean, but like move on if they're not the right person for you. Put them in the bin once you're finished. Rather than if you're trying to look for someone who's like a serious

relationship, dating lots of people and not actually being able to go deep with any single person because you're trying to like spread yourself too thin. But if you are dating for casualness, if you are dating for this, like, you know, getting back out there, this spontaneity, this enjoying life, then I think there is absolutely no limit in terms of how many people you can date. But I do think the honesty will make you feel less guilty about it. The fact that you feel guilty comes from this feeling of like you are keeping something, I think. I don't think the fact that she feels guilty is because she's keeping something. I think the fact she feels guilty is she's been in a monogamous relationship for 26 years and she

hasn't been in the dating world so to answer your question no you do not need to tell these two men that you have you know you've been on one date with one and very casually with the other you do not need to tell them because chances are they are too the second guy probably isn't because he seems a bit like but once it's brought up organically either you're going to bring it up because you're going to get to a point where you don't want them to be with somebody else or they're going to bring it up because they don't want you to be with someone else but you have to make sure that that happens in a healthy way and a healthy time frame. Totally.

Question number two. My partner of three years has told me if I don't put out more, he's going to leave me. We are both early 30s and his number one priority in a relationship is sex. We currently have sex twice a week and that isn't enough for him. He told me our sex life is shit and makes him unhappy and people our age should be having sex all the time.

I have vaginismus, which is getting better, but i just don't find sex enjoyable i cannot orgasm from penetration and it can be very uncomfortable but i still do it for him he has said everything else in our relationship is perfect but the reason we are not engaged is because of the sex he doesn't want a sexless marriage and it plays on his mind his number one priority in a relationship is sex and he said ours is shit i feel really low about this oh my god of course you feel low about this that is horrific but oh and if anyone's number one priority in a relationship is sex for me red flag yeah no like not even a red flag like fucking be done yeah red flag like yeah i'm sorry red

flag that burnt down i'm deeply i'm deeply offended by this because it's okay for sex to be a very important part of your relationship i understand that it's very important to sexually be on the same page but to say that sex is the most important thing and the most important thing that your partner prioritizes means that I would not be getting married to that person because sex does not have longevity without any ebbs and flows in a relationship what happens when or if you decide to have children what happens when and if work becomes really stressful like are you still expected to constantly put out to satisfy this entirely insatiable sexual urge that he has like and then what happens when you aren't physically capable of doing that does he then go and look

for sex elsewhere. Like that's something that he needs to unpack in himself and work out like his sex drive and whether or not it matches what you're able to give in the relationship. And the fact that you have, you have vaginismus, the fact that you have been open about it, the fact that this is something that is painful for you, that is hard for you, you require someone who is even more empathetic around your sexual abilities and what you're able to give. You need to be made to feel safe and secure in a relationship in order to overcome your vaginismus rather than have someone who whose expectation is sex from you regardless like for me this is there's such an immense lack of empathy here there is an immense lack and mismatch in priorities of what is important

he's putting his own satisfaction above your health and above your needs and above your wants and above your feelings of validation and there is no wonder why you feel like shit i can't imagine that there's anyone out there who has their partner tell them that they think their sex life is shit and that's the reason why they won't make a long-term commitment to them that would not feel like an absolute piece of shit that's how he's making you feel also spoiler people your age are not having sex all the time like he said like he's like everyone else my age is having our age is having sex all the time they're not age actually has nothing to do with it it's where you are in a relationship and who you are as two people how old are they again the early 30s fuck that and

together for three years and he's like people yeah i mean you're having sex twice a week like great. From like a committed, normal, monogamous relationship. Obviously everybody is different. Some people are having sex five times a week. Some people are having sex once a fortnight. Some people aren't even doing that. You know, like it is so varied. And for him to say that there's a benchmark for comparison, it doesn't matter what other people are doing. It's got to do with what is comfortable in your relationship. And I would say you are, especially for someone who's vaginismus you are more than coming to the table by doing it twice a week and like it doesn't mean that you can do other things can you be sexual together like you know could you do

other things that aren't penetrative sex yes but you could right you could be having more intimate moments throughout the week rather than it just being sex twice a week and that's kind of wham bam thank you ma'am but the thing is is do not feel guilty about the fact that you don't want to be more sexual with him when he is making you feel guilty about sex because that is not going insight in anyone, the motivation, the desire, the want to have more or to do more for their partner. The more that you feel like you're doing a bad job, the more you feel like he's not enjoying it or like you're failing in this aspect of the relationship, the less you're going to want to do it as well. Because like, you know, I think we all thrive on positive affirmation. We all thrive on

feeling loved and connected. That's when women feel safe. And I remember Esther Perel when we talking about desire with her. She was like, foreplay doesn't start the second you get in the bedroom. Foreplay starts the second that the last time you had sex ended. What did he do that day that made you feel special? What did he do that day that made you feel desired? What were the things that led up to making you want to have sex with him, making you want to be intimate with him? And I would say, if anything, the way in which he's speaking to you around sex only diminishes everything else and so I it makes me so angry for me there's two parts to this question the first part is that you currently have a mismatch in your sexual compatibility which normally I would say

normal fine you can work on that you can deal with that because it's not uncommon for people to have different sexual desires sexual wants sexual frequency that's a pretty standard thing we know that from how many psychologists and sex therapists we've spoken to that is something you could go and work on together. And like you said, Laura, do it in a different capacity. The second part of this, and this is the problem part, is that his number one priority in the relationship is sex. And sometimes we need to say this out loud to ourselves, or sometimes we need to have someone else say it to you. You are saying that his priority and his desire for sex outweighs your physical pain and your mental pain. Like you are saying, this is painful for me. And he's

saying give me more I need more I can't marry you if you don't give me more to me that's fucking wild and sometimes like I said you do need it spelt out to you I do really feel for you in this situation because you've been with him for three years and you obviously love him and it's hard to it's hard to look at someone that you love that's close to you like maybe they aren't the right person or maybe they're not treating you the way they want because he might treat you really well in other ways so we tend to hold on to those really positive things and say but he does all this for me. Like he cooks me dinner every single night. You know, we grasp onto these things to sort of balance the things that we know actually aren't okay. And you have to ask yourself,

if you know for you that you are not going to be able to have sex every day, and not only not are you not going to be able to, but you don't want to for a multitude of reasons, it physically hurts you. He's not initiating the intimate desire that you need. Like he's not doing anything else around that if you know that that's what your life looks like and he's blatantly like I want to fuck every day or I'm not going to marry you this could be a really hard pill to swallow but there's a really hard conversation that needs to happen and then a really big decision absolutely and I can we not skim over the fact because it is so important that he is using marriage like he is using an engagement something that he knows you want as a manipulative tool to make you do something that

you don't want to do so he's like i won't marry you unless you have more sex with me because i want to ensure that sex is something that is the number one thing in our relationship so he already is using something that should not be about sex to manipulate you to do something you don't want it is very fucking wrong it's horrid yeah it's emotionally manipulative it's physically manipulative and all it's doing is eroding your self-esteem and eroding your boundaries and like we have these conversations with you guys as though we're friends and like we get these messages and we're like, Oh, like this, what would I say to my best friend? But I also think sometimes in these situations, you need to go and speak to an external third party, like go and have these

conversations with a relationship therapist, go and have these conversations with your own therapist, because I would really be so concerned if you were to marry this person, if you were to get engaged when this mismatch in priorities is so, so huge and that he doesn't have the empathy or the care for how you feel and what you're going through and prioritizes his own physical needs above that again it's not that he wants more sex that's not the problem because like i've been in relationships before where where i've said hey like you know what do you think about trying to increase how much sex we have or how much intimacy have because i've been in a stage where i've wanted it more but it's the way he's gone about it that's the problem like there are

always going to be times ebbs and flows in a relationship that each of you are going to come to the table like and maybe one day your vaginismus is going to get better and you're going to feel like it and you're going to want it. And maybe he is going to be too tired from work. Like these are normal conversations to have. The way he's doing it is fucked and it is not normal. I know. I feel like we're both so angry about this. The only other part that like I come back to it, I know we kind of touched on at the beginning, but there's some really important conversations to be had around how are you going to navigate the periods of life where sex just can't be a priority because that's going to happen to you. Like I can't stress enough how much my

sex life with Matt change. Once we had kids, it has never been the same and it may be, we still have really young kids. We're still on crazy sleep cycles. Like we still have to try and do it when the kids are napping so that they don't walk in on us. Right? Like there's definitely a lot of limitations. Once you are juggling careers and children, you may never have children. You may not want them, but if you do, what does your relationship look like when you're no longer able to have sex with him in the way that he wants? How is he going to punish you? Like, How is he going to show up in that relationship? What is that going to look like?

They're really big conversations if this is the most important thing to him because ultimately what you can sustain now will not be this in the future and you need someone who is strapped in on the ride of life and cares about all the other amazing qualities that you have that you can bring to the table more so that it doesn't deteriorate the relationship. We actually had a full conversation around vaginismus as well with Jessie Stephens and she speaks about relationships that she'd been in where she persevered through the pain because she thought that's what she had to do. And then she speaks about her now relationship with her husband,

the father of her child, and how he approaches sex with her and how that has completely changed her ability to show up in the relationship sexually and also in a way that makes her feel love, safe and secure. We'll link that episode in the show notes. Yeah, she spoke about that so well actually. Yeah, please go and have a listen to it because I think it will really help you. But not even have a listen to it.

Get your partner to listen to it. That is something that he needs to listen to. He needs to hear it from another perspective and also the fact that the way her partner came to that situation, showed up, is imperative to your situation now. Totally. Okay, question number three. I've been dating my boyfriend for the last year and a half. I've been a nurse for the last five years, working with children, and I've seen some pretty terrible things. When we first started dating, he mentioned that he didn't like hearing, quote, horrible stories, so I listened to them. Just recently, I was talking about work again, and he said the same

thing. I don't want to hear about these stories. I obviously don't want to upset him, but from time to time, I want him to listen to my day and just vent. Am I being ridiculous by being upset that my partner can't handle listening to my stories here and there? Or do I just appease him and stop talking about work altogether? It's a tricky one. This is a tricky one. And I think it's important to figure out, which might be hard to do, but I think you have to. Is he like this around the mundane stuff as well. Like, is he like this around you talking about all aspects of work or is it only about the stuff that's super traumatic? Like, does he show an interest in your day to day when it pertains to other parts of your life? Or is it only around the stuff that

is like truly deeply traumatic? Because I would say there are a lot of people out there who can't handle listening to or talking about super distressing things. Like it, it affects them on a level that makes them then feel uncomfortable. And you're just kind of sharing the load of your trauma, right? Like your trauma dumping on them, which is not fair on them, especially if it then affects their day and how they feel. So that I think is okay. I would say if you've chosen the occupation of being a nurse, because you have that incredible empathetic, caring, beautiful quality of you, and you have the resilience to be exposed to it, then I would say it's okay if there's aspects of your job that he mentally and physically doesn't want to be exposed to. But it's not okay

if he uses that as an excuse to not listen to your day. That's a very different thing. And I think that it will become obvious which of those two things are playing out here. I can relate to this to the nth degree. Like exactly. I was in this identical situation where I was working at a paediatric hospital and I saw horrific things.

I mean you see horrific things in any hospital, right, but it always hits a bit different when it's a child to the point that like a big part of my job was postmortems on children. Like I was involved in that. I could not listen to that. I couldn't. Even you saying that makes me want to cry. Yeah. Which is why I completely understand this situation as a whole. And I also understand him because I've been through it. You as a healthcare worker, well, anyone in any job, right? But you

want to come home and you want to debrief about your day. Cause part of that's selfish reasons. Like part of that is like, you want to get things off your chest and you want to unload. And it's a type of therapy. And the other part is we all want to connect with our partner about our work in our day and what we're experiencing because they understand then maybe a little bit more. If you come home at the end of the day and you're a bit flat and you need a bit more extra, you know, love and care for whatever reason, they understand more.

The problem is in that world not everyone can deal with it and when you have been in that world for a long time, you know, the healthcare world for example because this is what you're talking about, things are less shocking to you. You become very used to something that is very shocking and abnormal to someone else and it becomes your normal because you're dealing with it day in and day out and you sometimes forget that other people don't know anything about that and that is really confronting for a lot of people so for you every day you're with unwell children your partner could

be in marketing like and it hits him different so I think unfortunately you probably need to find a way where you can tell him about your day and how bad it was without going into the details because you do need to still have that connection with your partner absolutely Totally. And I agree with you completely, Britt. Like it's weird to me, right? Like, and not weird, it's important. How amazing are doctors?

How amazing are nurses? How amazing are ambulance workers and people who show up? Police, people that are in these confronting situations. And it's wild that I go to work and I design jewelry and I sit here behind a microphone and this is my job. You know, this is what I do for work. And then there's other people who had their hands inside people's chests today and that's what they did to go to work.

like the variation of what we are experiencing our worlds apart. And I've dated someone who worked in the medical world before. I wanted to know parts of the stories, but I don't think I could have dealt with the dailiness of it. You know, every so often he would come home and tell me something that happened and it was sporadic. And I appreciated that he didn't expose me to the depths of what he dealt with day to day. And he was very good at compartmentalizing it. It didn't affect him in the way that I think it would have affected me. And maybe the things that you're dealing with, you are able to compartmentalize in some way. And if you're not able to compartmentalize it, if you do need to speak to someone, then maybe it's like you speak to your partner about the

parts of it that you know he's okay with and the parts that he can handle. And then you go and speak to a therapist about the rest of it. Because I do think it's important for you to have someone to trauma dump to, but I don't think it has to be your partner. The only thing I come back to is, and it's what I said in the start, is that it's very easy to use the excuse of, oh, I can't, you know, like I can't deal with this, but that's actually a lack of interest in your job. And I think look for signs. Does he show interest in the other things you do? Does he show interest in what you've done on the weekend, on your friends, in your family? Does he show interest in your life? If he shows interest in you in every other aspect, because he loves and adores

you and supports you, but just can't handle the trauma side of your job, then that's okay. Yeah. The interest has to be there in other aspects of your life. Constantly. Otherwise you're like, why are you dating me? Like, what am I a ham sandwich? Like, you know, there has to be that interest but what I will say is like of course speak to a therapist if you need that and your job is that traumatic and the hospitals also provide people but I mean something I used to do is unload the heavy stuff unload unfortunately sounds like a heavy word but it is but you would unload with and maybe another colleague that was there at the time so someone else that goes through it every day as well that relates they can quick you can you can get it out

you can you can discuss whatever you want about it I was very lucky I did that with my sister Sherry because we worked together in this exact same hospital for most of our life so I was hers and she was mine and then we could go back to our partners and just say that top level stuff so there will always be someone that you can discuss these things with but I do think you have to respect your partner in a level if he's like I actually viscerally I'm not that kind of person I can't handle these conversations so like you do have to meet him halfway in that capacity yeah I agree I totally agree and I think you know if that's the only thing that you have going on in your life in terms of like a problem in your relationship it's not like your relationship's

not over dum-dum-dum I do think it's just being aware of where is he doing an excellent job in other aspects and if this is the part that he's you know it's letting you down in then I think finding places and other people to offload and do that trauma dump with because it seems like your partner can't handle that part of it we have received from you guys a few aftermaths like ask uncut aftermaths and I follow up of what happened and we always think this we're always like, what did happen to that woman who was dating multiple people? What did happen to the guy who never showed interest in your work? Like we want to know what happens with the advice that we give you. So if you have ever received, if we've ever answered one of your ask uncut questions,

please, can you send it into the DMS, just write ask uncut aftermath at the top, and then let us know what happened because we would love to do a catch up episode with ask uncut aftermaths. We have a few of them. We need a couple more. So tell us what happened in your life and kind of where things are at now so we can do that update but yeah you can slide into dms at life uncut podcast you can join us on tiktok you can join us on instagram and you can go and join the facebook discussion group which is always flaring and a lot of people post like anonymously their ask uncuts in there as well and that's it from us guys you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love

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