Life Uncut - Ask Uncut- Banging your boss & not setting boundaries

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

Welcome back Lifers and Lovers, Today we start by unpacking whether it's the responsibility of the interviewee to hold up the conversation if the interviewer isn't doing a great job. Hugh Grant is being slammed for his interview with Ashley Graham, and we might be in the minority on this one. The vibes of the week are: Britt: Omnilux LED mask https://bit.ly/3YPN69k Laura: Kath Koschel's book 'Kindness' https://bit.ly/3YMsrTt Kath's episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/life-uncut/id1472126503?i=1000590088293 The questions we tackle today are: -When is it okay to be someone’s second choice?Context- I met this guy 5 years ago and we followed each other on instagram. Fast forward and we went on a nice date a few weeks ago. The following week I got a message saying that he had such a great time and really liked me, but his ex had been in contact and he felt as though things weren’t finished between them.Fast forward again, it’s been two months and he’s messaged saying that things are well and truly finished and that he’d like to go out again. Would you go? -I had a sex dream about my boss and now I can’t stop seeing him in a sexual way. He is single but there would be what I guess you’d say a power in balance between us. Should I put out some feelers and see if he maybe sees me in the same way or am I asking for trouble?I’m not sure if it’s just a bit of a hot fantasy or if maybe we actually could work in a relationship. We have a lot in common and I know that a lot of people meet their long term partners at work-How can I distance our relationship without ruining it?I have a half-sister & we did not grow up together. Initially I loved the idea of having a sister, but she wants the type of relationship where we text all day, call a few times a week, and basically give a play by play of our day and our lives. It's exhausting and not who I am. If you have a question, send it in to @lifeuncutpodcast on instagram!Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And Brittany's got him fears the land.

But it's not in right now. I forgot to put it in. Oh, my God. I forgot. I thought you said you had it on and then you were like. No, I was like, do you think I can record with it on? And then I forgot to put it in. So I did.

Two days ago, I got Invisalign again. Now, I have had Invisalign. I had it five years ago. I had it for about six or seven months because my teeth weren't that bad. Just a few little crooked picket fences. Also, this is not sponsored by Invisalign. It is not sponsored. No.

So five years ago I had Invisalign, fixed my teeth right up, and then very unusual for her, but Delilah ate my – She never eats anything that's important ever. She never. She only eats things that are important, but she ate my retainer. How many retainers did she eat? Two, three, four, five. No, she ate two.

She ate two. So when you finish your Invisalign, it's not just over. You have to then wear a plate forever at nighttime. It's like a retainer. So every night for the rest of existence so that your teeth don't move, you put this – anyway, it's very annoying. It's hard to remember. Whatever.

That's irrelevant. Delilah ate my Invisalign set. Ate it. Chewed it to bits. And I was like, that's so annoying. I have one more left. Then she buried that one in the yard. Cannot find it.

It's kind of like when you lose a car key and then you have one car key left and you just run it. You run it so long. You know you should get a spare, but you do it so long until you also lose that one and then you're fucked. That's what happens. And then you do lose it. It's going to happen.

And then your teeth move. It's a matter of time. And you can't drive your car anymore. And now you're a little snaggletoothy. So, yeah, I've got the little clips on my teeth, but I have a tiny little, very, very little lisp. It's cute. When I wear it.

So I have to get used to it before I put it on for the record, otherwise I'll live the whole way through. Do you know, I think I've told you this, I used to have a gap so big between my front teeth that I could fit a $2 coin between it before I got Invisalign. I can't imagine you like that. Keisha's face is like, what? I can't imagine that.

Yeah, like a Gappy McGapster. I used to be able to, like, put coins between it. My mum, oh, it was a joke. I used to get called piggy bank. That's really mean. Is it cute? It's so mean. Yeah, I've got lots of childhood trauma.

We could start unpacking it one day if we want to. No, there are supermodels with gaps that are only supermodels because of their gaps. So that's where I went wrong. I got mine closed up and then the career was over. That was the only reason. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, yesterday we went to Melbourne, had a cute day.

Yeah, down and back just for lunch. Did a flyby and now we're here, ready to answer all your deep, dark and your burning questions. So I had this realisation this morning. You know those like, how do you know your partner's not going to cheat on you kind of thing? They're pretty funny. Wait, you had a realisation that Ben wasn't going to cheat on you or you realised you weren't going to cheat on Ben?

Well, it's made me want to put this out to the lifers, right? Because I had a realisation this morning. I was getting ready for work and I always FaceTime Ben in the morning. I'm usually, this is my preference, I'm usually waxed down there. Do you wax? Do you laser? Do you? So I lasered many moons ago and then I didn't, again,

didn't do the follow-up. Same with this retainer. Yeah, now you just wax. How did it get away from me? It's like there's a real theme going on here. Now you wax the stragglers. Well, no. No, it just grows back after time.

If you don't continue your laser, it goes back to pretty much normal. So is it not like thinner or wispier? Yes. Have you got wispier hair down there now? No, it's not a wisp. It's not like a blow dry. It's not bouncy. It's just, it's thinner.

Yeah. It grows back less, but it's still pretty normal. Okay. Like it's a pretty normal growth. Now I have not maintained that since I came back from Scotland to see Ben. So it's been a couple of months. I've just, I'm just living my best life. It is wild.

It's three months. Yeah. Almost three months. Three months of growth. Which is fine. If you're somebody who embraces full bush, but knowing that you're not that person. It is fine if you are a busher. I'm not a busher at all.

I'm like a. Bald turkey. Sure. I was not going to say that. Like a little hairless cat. Yeah, the Persian cat. That sounds better than a whatever, a ball turkey. A sphinx.

Aren't they called sphinx cats? Yeah, whatever. They're all wrinkly. We're really getting off track. My vagina is not wrinkly. I am not like a sphinx cat. It is just usually hairless. So I'm getting ready for work this morning, jumping in the shower,

and he caught a glimpse. He was like, whoa. He's like, what's going on down there? I started laughing. I said, hey, at least you know I'm not cheating on you. he's like why because you've got the bush and I was like yeah I was like I would maintain this if I was ever going to cheat on you if the day comes that you're not here and this is like looking beautiful and maintained you know something's up are you saying that you will

only maintain for someone else like if you're on your own you will not make like you none of that is for your own I don't know sense of sexiness it's only if you're single and you think that you're going to get some not all the time sometimes I would in the past but I've been really busy and tired and I haven't even been able to go to the beach right lately I've been I just have been working in the days. That's it. I've been really committed. But I went to the beach the other day with producer Keisha.

I took my pants off and producer Keisha was like, wow. Because I had like this high cut bikini on. She's like, girl, you've been lazy back home. And I looked down and I was like, oh, my God. And there is nothing wrong with Bush. But I just, it really hit home then. Because I just ignore it. I don't even look down there, to be honest, when I'm on my own.

Welcome to being married and having two kids. I can't even tell you what it looks like anymore. There you go. Now I know it is trivial. I know it's ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with the bush. I cannot stress that enough. But for me, I don't like it.

I don't want it. And historically speaking, I haven't had it. So it is that kind of a thing where it's like now that it's here, if I'm jazzing it up, good question. So it's like when you used to go out, I don't know if anyone else has ever done this or if this is, again, just me, but when you used to go out, if you were single and you're like, I definitely just want to go out with my friends.

I don't want to hook up with anyone. I want to make sure I'm not hooking up with anyone. so you wear like your biggest Bridget Joneses, you're like as unsexy as it can get so that if the opportunity, Keisha's nodding her head, if the opportunity presents itself, you've got to remember that you've got your Bridget Joneses on, yeah, your granny undies or whatever else. It's sort of like that.

But, no, I do still sometimes when I've got the energy maintain it. But I just haven't lately and I just haven't felt the need. I just really want to live my best life. Do you know what mine is? Mine is if I don't draw my eyebrows on. Like I get to a point where I'm like. Oh, that's extreme. So Matt knows if you've put your eyebrows on, he's in trouble.

Well, no, like I don't put eyebrows on for myself. It's for other people. But I'll only do it when I'm leaving the house or like but if I'm just at home with Matt, no eyebrows. But eyebrows are very important to me. Okay, so eyebrows is your thing. Eyebrows are my thing. Like if I'm like if I'm really staunch on never leaving the house

without it, it's because I'm so good. If anyone has a thing, like a stupid thing, like maybe their partner plays video games or something or just ordered 21 new video games, you're like I feel pretty safe. They're not going to do it to me. Let us know if you have one. All right, well, there's something else you wanted to speak about before we get into answering all your deep, dark

and your burning questions, and that is Hugh Grant at the Oscars. Yeah, I imagine most people have seen this by now. I hadn't seen this. I actually was surprised by that because you do live on your phone and it is everywhere. I've been very busy. So Hugh Grant and Ashley Graham have had this altercation, and I say altercation in rabbit ears because it wasn't really,

but okay, they're going viral. i woke up after the oscars and all i could read online is how much of an asshole hugh grant was how rude hugh grant was can't believe he did that everyone's saying i can't believe hugh grant did this if you don't want to be at the oscars on the red carpet and be interviewed don't go why do you have to be such a prick is it hard to just have some respect because ashley graham who came into the spotlight for being a plus size model body positivity in the states and now she's interviewing which is amazing like she's on the oscars interviewing some of the biggest stars in the it is pretty cool have a little listen Hugh Grant you are a veteran of the Oscars

and you've been here a few times what's your favorite thing about coming to the Oscars well it's fascinating it's a it's a the whole of humanity is here it's uh it's Vanity Fair oh it's all about Vanity Fair yes that's where we let loose and have a little bit of fun What are you most excited to see tonight? To see? Yeah, well, I know that you probably watched a few of the movies. Are you excited to see anybody win? Do you have your hopes up for anyone?

Not, no one in particular. Okay, well, what are you wearing tonight then? Just my suit. Your suit? Who made your suit? You didn't make it. I can't remember. My tailor.

That's okay. Shout out to the tailor. So tell me, what does it feel like to be in Glass Onion? It was such an amazing film. I really loved it. I love a thriller. How fun is it to shoot something like that? Well, I'm barely in it.

I'm in it for about three seconds. Yeah, but still, you showed up and you had fun, right? Almost. Okay, all right. Okay, well, thank you so much. It was nice to talk to you. Yeah. All right, back to you guys.

Okay, so I hadn't seen this until this morning, and Britt comes in and she's like, I really want to talk about the Ashley and Q Grant situation, to which I was none the wiser. up but now but now I feel like I'm fully abreast of it I don't think it is that bad do I think he's an arsehole do I think he treated her terribly on the big carpet no I don't think it's that bad I do think that maybe it's been quite inflamed I haven't seen all the articles that you've read I haven't seen like the backlash that he's received so I can't speak to how bad it's been

well they've literally labeled it viral they're like this has gone viral okay well I mean I think though he's given her nothing. Like it would be incredibly nerve wracking to be the person to ask questions on the red carpet. I think her questions are particularly poor. I think they're particularly average questions, which he's just not giving her anything back. I mean, I do think he could have been a little bit nicer and maybe been a little bit more enthusiastic, but I guess the big debate that we've been having in the office is whether or not there's a responsibility for him to be that. Well, this is the thing. If you guys go and watch the clip, I imagine that maybe it's a country by country thing. Maybe it's Americans, British, Australians. Maybe we

formulate our opinions differently. Neither of them were amazing. She was not a good interviewer, I don't think. And he didn't respond well. And now maybe this was a domino effect or like a bouncing effect because she didn't give him good questions. He didn't give her good answers, flustered her. She gave him worse questions back. He was getting over it. I don't know if this is what it was. It was like a table tennis back and forth of a shit fight. Her interview style was fine for maybe an everyday down the street interview with someone or a local premiere. I don't think it was up to the standard of an Oscar red carpet. And I think that's what Hugh probably thought. I also think Hugh probably thought she didn't really know much about him,

which maybe he got defensive about because the questions were very simple. She asked him about the Glass Onions movie he was in and how amazing it was to film that. And people are saying he was rude because he said back to her, I mean, I was only in it for three seconds because he made the smallest cameo i don't think that's rude she asked him how amazing it was to film he was like i don't know i opened the door i was in it for three whole seconds like i just wasn't there i thought she asked him did you have fun like is it fun she did which i think i mean obviously the answer is yes i had fun but it's true i don't know i guess i think it kind of trivializes it a bit right like if that's the only if you have this one opportunity to ask someone a question on the red carpet of

the oscars and you're asking hugh grant what he's wearing and if he had heaps of fun doing a movie that he only was in for four seconds when he is a literal superstar and has been the lead role of many movies. I feel like it just trivialised his accomplishments and that was probably why he wasn't – I mean, I don't think he was rude. I think he didn't give her anything. That was it. It was a lack of enthusiasm, but I think the reason for the lack

of enthusiasm is because of the lack of prep that she's put into the questions. I think so, and my heart goes out to her because you can see that she's, like, viscerally nervous, I feel like. as someone that has done interviews, it is nerve wracking. And I know you have too, Laura. It's a horrible feeling, especially when things go off piste and they're not going the way you think they're going to go, which is what happened for her. And she did a good enough job. She still came across okay, but I felt for her because I could feel and see her nerves and I could hear it

in her voice. She kept it together. But at the end of the day, like she threw a question to him when she panicked, what are you wearing? We have heard so many women in the past come out on the red carpet and say but you know please don't ask me that ask me about what I've just done ask me about my work ask me about what I'm doing because you know this is my life and I'm putting so much into it let's not focus on what I look like in this hot second maybe Hugh felt the same maybe Hugh was like you know I've done so much work and so much acting he's literally an acclaimed actor does that make him a wanker for wanting that I don't know maybe but she's gone down the route of what did you wear and I think at the end of the day these people are walking down the red carpet

with so many media they get like a minute or two with each person they move on they do questions again. So we don't know. This is a small snippet in a big night. We don't know where she was in the interview queue, how many he'd done, whatever. But I don't think this interview deserves the hate that Hugh is getting around the world right now. It is actually wild. I think when somebody is not giving a good interview and they don't and haven't done the prep on that person and they don't seem to know anything that would like spark an interesting conversation, I do think that it would be very exasperating for that person who's then got to carry the interview, got to seem like they're enthusiastic about something that they're not. However, there is a lot to be said about when

you're the person who is in that position. So Hugh being hugely successful, he is at the top of his game. He once upon a time was not at the top of his game. He once upon a time would have been the person that was nervous. Totally. He would have been in the situation where maybe he fumbled questions maybe he wasn't able to you know perform and I think it goes so far to give an olive branch when you see someone doing that it shows a real level of kindness and empathy if you can see that someone's struggling on the receiving end maybe they're not doing their job well in that space give them more because it makes their job easier and I think in this instance he could have leaned into being nice and giving more but instead he was a bit like what the fuck are you asking me

which I think is not the most helpful or kind way of going about it do I think that makes him an asshole? No. But I think that there's many factors here and maybe the backlash has been a bit too extreme. Yeah, of course he could have given him more. Everyone can always give him more. But then the argument, and I do want to say, I didn't formulate my opinion until I did a lot of deep digging. I also want to say, I think most people read articles and then you get a vibe, you're like, yeah, that guy's an asshole. And you don't know why. And you see five seconds of a clip. You don't actually watch the extended version of what happens. And then you're formulating an opinion based on other people's opinion, which is very fucking dangerous. Yes.

The last thing I want to say is a lot of British have come out in his defense, some actors, like some people in the spotlight, just some everyday folk, and have said, guys, this is not rude. This is literally just British. This is the way we are. We aren't over the top and enthusiastic like Americans are. So we don't converse in the same way. Could he have given more?

Yes. Is he supposed to be the most hated man in the world today for that interview? Absolutely not. And I only come out in his defense a little bit because I think it's really unfair that, like you just said, I think a lot of people very easily these days don't consume news and media in the right way. I think we scroll past, I've done it before, we scroll past, we read the headline, we formulate the opinion, we tell everyone else. We get angry. Hey, did you see how much of a wanker Hugh Grant was? What'd he do? Oh, I don't know. He was really rude on the red carpet though,

but you haven't even seen it. And that's just a small example. So I think that this one was a prime example of consuming news in a better way. Or also just like, it's a perfect example of how some things are just not that bad as what they seem like when you read a headline. Absolutely. Clickbait. Before we get into answering your questions, we have a vibe for this week. What we would like to recommend.

Britt, kick it off. What are you vibing? All right. Well, I'm not proud to say this one. I know what you're going to say. And I'm so glad that I influenced you. Laura Byrne influenced me. I am an influencer, everybody.

If you follow Laura, you'll see that sporadically she posts like herself in a very scary mask. It's not a dress-up mask. It's like a lead light mask that's supposed to make your skin all beautiful. You walk, it's got a little battery thing in the hand and you put it on. Do I not look like I'm 21 years old again since I've been using this? Why do you think I bought it? Because I looked at you and I was like, your skin looks really good.

What have you been doing? You were like, the mask. You even took it to Uluru. When we went to the Northern Territory, you walked out in the mask and I was like, okay, she's got, you do have an addictive personality, but you had an addiction to the mask. And I was like, okay, she's either been sucked into some advertising online or she's onto something. I haven't been sucked in and I'm not addicted to it.

You have to be dedicated. You have to use it every other night of the week for 10 minutes and I do that. I just took it to the Gold Coast with me. So I, anyway, I went to my. You are glowing. Thanks. You're just saying that. I went to the skin specialist that I always go to.

You guys know that I do a lot of stuff with my skin. Every single day I'm doing something at the skin doctor. I'm waiting for you to call me and say I've got a facelift. Honestly. Well, I just had the non-invasive one. I know, but a real one. every day genuinely you're like i'm at the beautician i'm like guys i've just got my skin done you're like what are you getting my skin only 10 of brit's skin is actually her skin still i've

grafted it from a beautiful chart yes my i mean i'm proud of my skin because i put a lot of time and money into it but it's one thing that i want to do okay we're getting off don't you come for me for looking after my skin brit's vibe is the omni luxe no let me get there so i went to my skin specialist that I go to every day and I said look Laura's been posting this mask she's like I know I've seen it and I said tell me the truth because I'm getting sucked in do I want to buy it does it do anything and she said absolutely she said I use it myself at home anyway I bought it that afternoon came the next day very quick delivery it's an Omnilux not sponsored should be Omnilux yeah definitely should be sponsored because it's very expensive yeah and I also

have an addiction now I walk around all the time with it because you just got a little battery in your hand I took it up to the Gold Coast like you took it to Uluru like I'm committed and I've been I don't know if this is the right thing you're supposed to do it for 10 minutes a day I've been doubling it I've been doing 20 minutes I'm like I hope it doesn't burn my face off but I'm I'm doing 20 so that's my recommendation it is not cheap it is about $600 500 if you can get it on sale you can get it for three or four but from what I have been told and don't hold me to this but what I have been told it is a great mask and if you are going somewhere and constantly getting these things done it might be the right thing for you okay well I'm glad that I influenced

you yeah you did producer keisha's wearing crocs now so i'm a double influencer you've double whammy yeah double whammy this week good for me all right well i have a recommendation it is a book it is from a wonderful woman who we interviewed on the podcast i think it was like two years ago now kath kochel she is phenomenal she speaks about kindness and her book is called aptly named kindness i'm just gonna read this little blurb it's what surviving on the kindness of strangers taught me about perspective connection and happiness now if you haven't listened to the interview that we did with Kath. It is and has been one of my favorite interviews for so long. We'll pop a link into the show notes. Go and have a listen to it after this. But she speaks about

her injury that she suffered, how she taught herself to walk again, and how much kindness as a, I mean, as a vehicle for healing herself, as a vehicle for giving her life purpose has changed her. And she has a foundation called the Kindness Factory. She truly is a phenomenal woman and I'm not doing it justice, but I would love to recommend her book and also go back and listen to that episode. Also, now this is a very selfish one, but Tony May is having a sale today and so I'm going to throw that in there as my vibe because it is a 25% off flash sale just for the day.

So if you're listening to this today, go buy. Is that sponsored? Have you brought Keisha and I jewelry? This episode is brought to you by Tony May. We are having a flash sale, 25% off. No, it's amazing. I'm going to go get something tomorrow as well. Yeah, you get things for free though.

when you remember. Yeah. Let's get into the questions. Question number one. When is it okay to be someone's second choice? For context, I met this guy five years ago and we followed each other on Instagram. Fast forward and we went on a nice date a few weeks ago. The following week, I got a message saying that he had such a great time and he really likes me, but his ex had been in contact and he felt as though things weren't finished between them. Fast forward again. It's been two months and he's now messaging me saying that things are well and truly finished between him and his ex and that he'd like to give us a go again. Would you go? Yes. Go where? Run away or go back? Would you go on a date with him? Would you go to Alaska? Would you give him another chance?

Yes. You are a glutton for punishment. No, the reason is, I met this guy five years ago, followed each other on Instagram, fast forward, went on a date. He's been really honest, right? So I have also been in a situation where he has been honest where he's broken up with someone. He's tried to get back into the world. Actually, I literally did this last year. I've just thought about this. He broke up with someone.

He's tried to get back into the dating world. You've gone on a date with him. He's been honest and said. I need to close the chapter. Something might still be there. I'm just not really past it yet. I'm going to go back and finish that chapter or extend that chapter, whatever that's going to be.

I'm going to reread the fucking chapter. So he's gone back. it's obviously finished. He has closed it. He had feelings for you. He's come back and he said, I just want to let you know, I'm, I'm more ready now. Do you want to go on a date? I did exactly that last year. And I think it's okay. I wanted to move on from my past relationship, started to see this guy. He was great. I like, he was actually a nice guy, but I still had these feelings and I still needed to close the other chapter. So I was honest with him, close the chapter. And then I went back to him cause I was, cause he was a nice guy. And I was like, okay,

I feel like I'm ready now and he was about it he's like no worries I understand you had to go and do that I don't think he's done the wrong thing here actually I think he's been pretty honest I think it's a different thing if it wasn't an ex-relationship and he's just like flitting between two people constantly like I can't choose like I don't know if I want you or I don't know if I want Sally you're both great I'm just gonna go see Sally for a week and come that's different but this was a past relationship he's been honest and now he wants to explore it with you i would explore it if he shows his fuck boy card straight out of the bat different story but i wouldn't be shutting this down right now i do think it's important though to kind of

like reflect on the fact that it does feel like you're the second choice right it's easy to say like oh just go and try it see like when you've been invested in someone and you like them and then they've turned around and said hey there's actually someone else and then they're like oh that didn't work out well i'll try you again like that feels pretty shit and it also can breed massive insecurities in someone as to whether that person's going to be invested. Britt's the one because she was the one who did it. She's like, give them a chance.

No, because the other thing is I don't want to, I mean, I'm going to call a spade a spade here. You met five years ago. You just went on a date. Like you've been the second choice for a long time. There's been a lot of people before you over the last five years. You didn't meet last week and he can't make his mind up. It's been five years.

I think go on the date with a guy. Yeah, okay, I forgot about the five. You've been the second choice. Let it go. No, but I think, I mean, making this question a bit more broad, I think this does happen in a much shorter timeframe, pretty frequently. I have a situation which is from my past where I dated someone for a long time. We were together and then he started dating someone else. And then I came back into the picture for him and he kind of went between the two of us. It was really hard for him because I think he thought of me as a flight risk, but the other

girl was safe at the time right and so he was trying to choose between who he wanted to be with he is now married to her he now has children with her and I still hate him no no no and I think at the time this is not me trying to blow smoke up my ass but she would have felt like she was was the second choice because he broke up with her came back to me got back with her when I broke up with him got back with me again like he broke up with her two times to get back with me wild then they got back together a third time good guy yeah great guy great guy you know and she gave him multiple chances that i think and yeah well no i yeah there's more to the story we're not ready to get into that but the thing is he is now married to her they have children he's in a

committed relationship and he loves her she is no longer the second choice and i think that that's so important sometimes when a relationship starts off with this rocky back and forth if someone then makes that commitment and wants to be in that relationship that doesn't mean that you are forever then and forever more the second choice of that relationship your first relationship your first priority is the one that you choose and I think you can give this the opportunity to be something amazing give it a chance and if he does exactly as you said Brit show his fuckboy cards and you continue to feel like a second option then obviously it's not the right relationship and you should walk away but I don't think that we should just be so quick to say

I'm not giving that person a chance because they tried something else before me. I do think it's important though, from a self-preservation perspective, say like you've been in a relationship with someone, I'm going to throw a different scenario out there. Say you've been in a relationship for a long time with someone, they've fallen out of love with you and they want to be with someone else. And then they've come back to you. That's a much harder situation to try and navigate when someone who you've been in a committed relationship leaves you for someone else and then comes back that really does make you feel like a second choice and I think that every situation is dependent and what it comes down to isn't so much that other person and the

fact that they're choosing you now it comes down to how are you going to be in that relationship can you trust them are you going to be able to build a foundation and believe that you're their first choice eventually because that shit can wreak such havoc on your self-confidence and in your ability to feel safe in a relationship and like they're not just going to run away and be with someone else relationships are super messy and convoluted they're very rarely straightforward sometimes i think i think we romanticize messy complicated relationships too much though and think that that's that's the norm well what i mean by that is i genuinely believe we are starting to possibly become too quick to cut people off at the knees and say they've done the wrong thing

and not sit there and actually listen to them and hear them out and think about it i think i think as a generation we're starting to become too quick to jump on the defensive and say what a dickhead when you sit there and break it down when I say relationships can be complicated and messy if he is with this his ex-partner for quite a long time very rarely are breakups and endings easy very rarely is it I mean sometimes it is sure we don't love each other we're breaking up move on we'll be friends we're amicable great what a dream but that's not a common thing so in this particular situation and I encourage everybody to start to do this when you know you're fronted with something that is a tricky conversation look at it like this this guy has

actually been super honest he has said he really likes you then he has said I don't want to mess you around there is something I need us to work out with my ex so I need to go and do that which is basically him saying I can't give you what you need right now great he's honest he's gone and done that and then he's come back and said if you give me another go I'd love to take you out because I've closed that chapter, which I couldn't do before. Couldn't be there for you before because I was still half, my foot's still half in the door with the other relationship. There is no harm to be done by going on another date. But like Laura said, to reiterate, if now you start to see him and you still are unsure and you still feel like the second choice, even though there's no

one else, you still feel like he's out there looking around for something better, not the right thing, but definitely give it a go because you don't know if something amazing and magical could come from that there's no harm in it second is fuck boy card is out get out the door question two how can i distance our relationship without ruining it i have a half sister same mom different dad that is a few years older than me and due to some family issues we did not grow up together she lived with her dad who remarried and i lived with my mom we only reconnected around two years ago and at first it seems like the greatest thing ever after 29 years as an only child who wouldn't suddenly want a sister. Initially, I loved the idea of having a sister, but I now know

that her and I are just completely different people. Not in a bad way, but she's more extroverted and wants the type of relationship where we text all day, call a few times a week, and basically give a play-by-play of our day and our lives. Me, on the other hand, I'm more of an introvert. I don't feel the need to chat and text unnecessarily unless there is literally something I really need to talk about. How do I navigate this? How do I put some distance between my new half sister without ruining the relationship completely? I wonder if she's just excited. I wonder if she's so excited to have like someone in her life. Some people, I think this is purely a personality trait. Like some people are really intense in their friendships and they go from zero to a

hundred and they want to be, it's like you're in a relationship, but with, you know, someone that's platonic. I am like this girl. I am the, like, I don't want to be texting and calling and talking unnecessarily i'm the worst for it i'm like we text all the time why yeah but yeah but we usually about work we have something to text about you never you would never in your life go hey what's up i miss you yeah what are you doing maybe for weird you would never do that you would never say you miss me you'd be like fuck britney's gone miss you boo how's your day been what are you up to what i think you were something was wrong with you i'd be like is everything okay i definitely had friendships like this and it's not to say that i don't still have some friendships that

of similar but I think like so for example for me when I've had these really intense friendships where I've spent all day texting and being on the phone to them I haven't had a romantic relationship happening at the same time because it's almost impossible to keep up that intensity but I think it's something that's also it kind of ebbs and flows like one of my really good friends Kaya and I go back through our whatsapp sometimes like for years we were like that friends we would text a day everything that was happening we were constantly texting but the reason why we don't now is purely because our lives have transitioned into a different phase where we're both so busy. We've got kids. We still love each other the same amount, but we don't have

the constantness. And I think that relationships normally do have these ebbs and flows, especially friendships will have the, you know, you'll have intense periods and then you have less intense periods. But in saying that it is very hard when one person feels like the friendship is overpowering them when they feel like, oh my God, again, you're so needy and I don't have the capacity to fill that need completely. It's also not your job to constantly fill your friend's cup. Do you know what I mean? Like if your friends are expecting so much of you to a point where you physically don't have the time in the day to give them what they need back, there does have to be some boundaries that are created. How do you create that? Very good question. Very hard. But I think

it is also, and it comes down to like almost slowing down the rapidness of your, like, I want to say a soft fade without actually fading them out but like don't reply as quickly don't condition them to think that like anytime they text or call you're going to be available to them maybe it takes you a day to get back to some text messages and it's like a hey I'm really sorry I was busy yesterday blah blah blah blah but I think that you can also control the pace of a friendship I couldn't agree more all I was going to say I think this one's a pretty easy one it is a tough one I am like that but my friends know now what I'm like they know that they could message me and it might actually take me a day and a half to get back they don't hold a grudge because they know

it's who I am and it's not on purpose sometimes I don't even see the message unfortunately I think what you would do is just hold off maybe don't hold off days because that's just rude but like at the end of the day maybe she might text me in the morning at the end of the day just say so sorry love just literally winding down my days have been mental lately I hope you had a good day you're still writing back you're still being friendly but you're subliminally putting the message in that like life is busy and you're not going to always be able to respond at the same time that would be my suggestion apart from that if she doesn't like there's nothing more you can do than not write back straight away and I think that's okay you don't have to there's not an

expectation so if she's texting you write back when it suits wait till the night time or the morning time and maybe give a little bit less so maybe you don't and I know it sounds rude but she will pick it up you're not going to be rude but don't continuously ask her all these things if you don't actually want to have that conversation it sucks and it's a tricky one but that's probably what I'd do well do you know for me I've looked this up before because a part of me was like you know we've had questions before about Brittany running back to me why doesn't Brittany love me more no but I've looked this up because we've had we've done episodes on friendships and how to manage these sorts of relationships and like all of the internet says to you that you should give

them a call and set boundaries and all this is I genuinely think and I'm not a fucking psychologist so tell me I'm wrong that's fine but I kind of think that that advice sucks because if I was somebody who, like if I was calling Kaya all the time and texting her because I was excited about our friendship and she called me and was like, hey, I'm just putting some boundaries in place with our friendship. I love you, but I actually don't want to speak to you that much. It would hurt me so much. It would hurt me that she felt like she needed to verbalize that. And so I think that there is a much softer way that you can approach this, which is slowing down your communication, slowing down the frequency of which you see each other, doing it in a less direct

way and then seeing if she picks up on that and giving her that opportunity first it's only if that continues at a frequency that's completely unmanageable for you where you feel like the friendship is overwhelming you where it's actually making you unhappy if you genuinely feel like you need to put those boundaries in place then have the conversation but some of the advice out there that i've read in terms of like how to speak to your friends about setting boundaries i'm like you're gonna have no fucking friends if you do that i agree i'm all for like we always say the communication communication community boundaries know your boundaries it's not always the answer of setting this strict boundary is not always the answer or maybe setting a boundary is the answer

but without you sitting down saying these are my boundaries these are my boundaries because it will and yeah and i know that like you know psychology today will say boundaries but this will like you said it could ruin a friendship if someone also said the same to me don't message me so many times a day i'd be like oh okay that hurts i probably would never message you again i would never i I would read the room. Yeah, got it. We're so extreme. This is a time where I feel like most people can work out what the boundary is.

And I think that this is something that maybe is slightly different. I can't even remember the episode we did on friendship, which was so long ago. If I was to listen back to that now, I'm sure at the time I would have been like, set your boundaries, tell them how you feel, you know, and I think you can in extreme situations, but it is not the first go to for everything, because I think sometimes especially not a friend that cares too much about you like that's the problem here she she likes you too much and she's not being toxic she's like I love you I want to tell you everything I want to tell you I want to be friends with you and I think maybe in this situation it is a bit of an unusual one

because it's a sister that she never had and it may be a friendship that she's leaning into so hard because it's making up for time that she feels is lost time there's another layer to this friendship rather than it just being like an extreme intense friend and I think just navigate it sensitively and kindly without going in whole hog at the end of the day she is actually your sister she wasn't a step sister she's half like yeah she's just she's your sister yeah that's tricky one yeah all right but she loves you i got a spicy saucy one for you bring it i had a dream about my boss and now i can't stop seeing him in a sexual way he is single but there would be what i guess you'd say a power imbalance between us should i put out some feelers and see if maybe

he sees me in the same way or am I asking for trouble? I'm not sure if it's just a bit of a hot fantasy or if maybe we actually could work in a relationship. We have a lot in common and I know that a lot of people meet their long-term partners at work. It's funny. I think it's a bit tricky because it is always tricky when there's a relationship forming with work colleagues at all, let alone your boss there is no relationship forming she had a dream this is why i'm giggling because when you say should i put some feels out and see if there's something there for sure put your feels out but i wouldn't ask him i would just try and pick up most people can pick up little tiny cues within your interactions if someone is interested like usually if someone's

interested they drop the flirtiness there's enough to be like oh i think there's something there but if you've only had a dream about him and he doesn't even speak to you in the corridor it's probably not something you should barge in and be like i need to put this on the table is there something here also i okay i think this is so funny i think if you've only changed your feelings because of a dream it's not real yeah i mean i dream of like changing them all the time yeah well like sometimes i wake up and matt's cheated on me in my dream and then i'm really angry at him and he has to remind me that dream matt is not real matt and i shouldn't be taking my dream feelings into real life i'm pointing at you good point though because dreams are real for

you you're like you cheated on me asshole but they don't they don't exist like the feelings the feelings are not real the attraction if it was never there before the dream i don't even think it's a real attraction and my advice would be don't shit where you eat don't try and fuck things up at your work with your boss i've shit where i eat heaps times and how many problems have you had multiple yeah yeah um but this is what you've also said right and i do believe in all seriousness we're having a little giggle but you do spend so much of your time at work people do meet at work all the time people get married from people they've met at work it is a thing but it has to be a reciprocal thing so you have to know that the feelings are there when you say should i put

the feelers out no yes no you're saying no i'm saying i'm saying yes but the feelers is not a love letter with tick yes no maybe that's left on his desk what is the feeler how do you put a feeler out, Britt. Extended eye contact. Yeah. Maybe a little wink. No, I'm joking. You flirt. You can flirt at such a low level and see what's gotten back. Like it is what you do. It's how you gauge if anyone is interested or go on his Instagram, like, like, follow. I don't know. I feel like this one to me, it's just unnecessary. It's not real. You had a dream. Dreams are not real. They They are thoughts. They are thoughts that turned into feelings.

Dreams aren't real. I agree. But, hey, I wouldn't want to be the person that stops finding the love of her life. What if the boss is the love of her life and she never knows because you said dream boss is not real boss? Dream boss is not real boss. But dream boss could be real boss.

Maybe real boss is terrible in bed and dream boss was amazing. This is the definition of living in a fantasy. Explore it. I've changed so much. The older I get, I'm like, yeah, fucking go for it. I'm like, live your life. Terrible fucking advice. No, it is not because I'm not saying do anything inappropriate.

I'm just saying you can pick up if there's a cue there. Like most people, some people might not. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Most people can pick up if you give a little bit, if they give a little bit back or if they shut it down. So I would, I'd give a little bit. Okay, but is this a work environment? So, for example, he is your boss.

Is this a work environment where it would be completely inappropriate appropriate for him to be having some sort of relationship with you. Like there are workplaces where that is an imbalance of power. It is inappropriate. It could get him fired and could also get you fired. So like, is that something that we need to consider? I don't know. I just think fuck your colleagues or fuck your bosses. I think the question here is you can, I think we're, we're led down a bit of a garden track. We watch too many American shows like Suits and stuff where it's like, we like each other. We have to go have a meeting with HR and tell them everything there are definitely times where it's not going to be ideal and it might rub other

colleagues the wrong way but there are definitely industries where it's not appropriate as well totally but maybe i mean we're getting ahead of ourselves just put the fuel around just flow with him ask him a personal question how was your weekend what'd you get up to he's either going to say nothing and walk away or he's gonna say how's it going caught with some friends went for a drink and you can start to develop a relationship that might be outside of when do i need to get this document to you kind of thing also keep in mind what constitutes sexual harassment in the workplace yeah just judge do your compliance training and stay abreast breast jokes that was so immature all right guys that is it from us go if you have not yet subscribed

to the podcast if you listen on apple podcast go and hit the little plus sign it means that the pod will be in your libraries every single time we drop an episode leave a review we bloody love those it would be nice if it's five star better if it's a good one yeah like don't leave us a shit one that sucks but anyway we read those as well send them to each other sometimes we do but you know what's funny is like when there's a bad review oh I got a backhanded one the other day did you did I tell you Keisha told me no what happened there was a review that said I couldn't stand I couldn't I couldn't stand Brittany I found Brittany insufferable last year but now she's better but but I quite like her now and I was like if I was that insufferable why did you

keep listening for the year that's what i get i was like if you hate me so much i couldn't have been that bad because you're still here to every person who thought that was insufferable and now thinks that brit's amazing i'm glad the change has been positive it's actually i mean thank you for your honest feedback sometimes less honest is good though bless his best yeah bless his best anyway give us give us some love if you if you think that now i'm tolerable i would love to hear also the person that said my life is a kookaburra fuck you duh no fuck you it's a native animal okay anyways um what we're trying to get at is that we read them all anyway uh and sometimes they hurt you know the drill tell your mom the kookaburra you died your friends and the dog and

just share the love because We'll be right back.