Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Boys will be boys

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Welcome back to your weekly therapy session, a place where we all find solace in the fact that everyone has messed up sh*t going down.Today we kick things off with a huge announcement; actually two announcements!WE ARE DOING A LIVE SHOW, Sydney Lifers, prepare your loins! We will also be releasing merch very very soon!Stay up to date by following @lifeuncutpodcast or to buy a ticket to the live show click hereToday we are jumping into these deep, dark and burning questions:My boyfriend has a group chat with his mates where the single guys share pictures of the girls they're talking to/going on dates with. Fine! But I recently found out that they share any spicier pics that they get sent from these ladies in the chat. I told my boyfriend it was absolutely disgusting and he told me I was overreacting. I'm not sure how to move forward on this.About 3 weeks ago I had the best sex of my life and it was a one night stand. We had a great time, but he was from out of town. When he left, we didn't exchange numbers. I've looked up his name and found his linked in...Should I use it to find his facebook/instagram and message him or leave the fantasy where it is?A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my housemate. We were out with friends and well, one thing led to another. Since then, he has pretended like it never happened. I don't want to date him or anything like that, but I find it a bit weird that he's just never mentioned it. Should I address the huge elephant in the room or just leave it? If you have a question you'd like us to tackle, or a follow up on what's happened since, send it on it @lifeuncutpodcast on instagram! Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brooke.

And we have some news. Are we going to say that it's Thursday? Oh, fuck. Alright. Firstly, before I tell you what the news is, let's build the suspense. Yeah, keep the anticipation. We've got something that we want to tell you. It's Thursday.

but we won't yet it's an ask uncut episode and that means that you guys why are you talking like that have written in questions um because i'm building suspense britney okay the truth are you aroused no no no okay all right well ask uncut that is where you are you send in your questions and we do our best to answer them it's solicited unqualified advice where we answer your deep your dark and your burning questions laura's obviously far too excited she's jumping out of the seat Because we do have, I guess, two big things that we are announcing. One's bigger than the other, but they're both. They're both big.

Oh, they're both equally as exciting. I mean, I'm excited for both of them. Maybe they could go together. Like what if people put them on to go to the other one? Wait, you're going to wear the thing to go to the thing? Could we thing inception? I mean, you could wear the thing and bring the thing at the thing. Okay, guys.

So the news is. Y'all asked for it. actually all of you didn't but some of you did and we are doing a live show we are but we're just testing the waters because if it sucks we won't do more than one so we're just doing one to start with we think it's going to be fucking awesome it's not going to suck but like well fingers crossed fingers crossed we never know if you've never done it so like we're just putting it out there it's our first time if it does don't come at us yeah maybe don't share it on social media it is something that has been asked for you know since we started it was something that

was asked of us but we never were in a real position to i mean laura had two little kids all the time we had full-time jobs we were trying to do this i do have them all the time i keep trying to say like go away and then they just come back and go go away but they're always there but the need and the ask and the one has become more prevalent over time and i just i guess two weeks ago now maybe i put a poll up i put up one final poll there was i was doing a question right a q a and there were a few that came through saying you and laura ever going to do a live show so i thought you know what this is a current theme i'm going to put the poll out guys if we do a live show is anyone going to come does anyone want to actually see us and hear us

and well the poll spoke for itself three percent of people said yes no no it was it was overwhelmingly yes so we you asked we're delivering we are going to we're going to attempt our first live show but also this is also in conjunction because obviously we have the book coming out at the end of the year once again if you haven't pre-ordered that it is called we love love please links are in our bio links are in our bio links are also on the website but this is just to coincide with that launch we're going to be it's going to be in October unfortunately we are doing it to start with in Sydney we just we have one planned it may turn into two depending on how ticket sales go for the first one but we really wanted to try it

we really wanted to get it dialed we have really exciting plans for what this live show is going to look like but we also wanted to like make sure that we had it right so that way once that's done we can then roll it out to other places so we are really sorry if you're in Brisbane if you're in Perth wherever you are we want you to be there unfortunately that would also mean buying a ticket to come to Sydney but yeah like one day we'll be coming to you as well so don't feel excluded we love you all equally if it's it's just like just let us dip our toe in but if it goes well we want to I mean like a tour is a big word and that makes me anxious yeah because like like I mean we've been recording this uh in a lounge room and still do that for three years we we forget you guys are

there we just talk to ourselves and to to getting in front of all of you will be like we're naked yeah and like talking about let me put it this way i feel fine talking about a finger in the bum on a podcast would i feel fine doing that in front of a completely sold out you know room of people maybe not quite so much but i'm i'm gonna do it you're gonna give it a whirl yeah demos wave it around but no we also have something else we want to tell you guys and that is that we have new jumper merch coming as well yes and they're so good they're actually i mean if you guys like last year's we think you're going to love this year's ones and also we have because like last year the big problem with our merch was that it sold out very quickly and so many people missed

out and we understand that like the site crashed and it was just a whole fucking mess to be perfectly honest so we really put some time in we appreciate it's taken us a bit longer this year but we have a lot more of it to make sure that we can you know get one out to everyone who wants one keep your eyes and ears on instagram like we said all of the details are up on our website but if you jump on to life uncut podcast that's our instagram go follow it we will have all those details coming up very shortly for all the super exciting like this at the end of this year for this podcast has just blown out book live show jumpers so if you could buy the book and wear the jumper and bring them both to the live show i would love it let's get into answering some

questions i mean then that that makes you a real die-hard laugher doesn't it like came to the show bought the book wore the jumper came so conquered all right let's get into the questions question number one I'll kick start so my boyfriend has a group text with about six of his guy friends three of them are single and the other three are in relationships I recently found out that it's really common for them to share pictures or screenshots of the girls that the single guys are hooking up with which I think is fine but an extra part that I just found out is that the single guys are sharing pretty much any nudes or sexualized pics of these girls that they are sent there's a lot of topless pics and I just said that is disgusting I told my boyfriend this

he told me that I'm overreacting I said it is very disrespectful he said he wasn't doing anything wrong and if he was he wouldn't be so honest with me about it I want him off this group text but he refuses so am I wrong or is this gross and disrespectful yes this is gross and disrespectful also this is the fact that he the fact that he turns around and says I told you this because I didn't think I was doing anything wrong just because you don't think you're doing something wrong doesn't mean you're not actually doing something wrong actually what you're doing is something that's fucking illegal because when somebody sends a nude photo of themselves to one person they are giving consent for that one person to see the photo so every single one of

those boys who feel the need to then send those photos internally it's revenge porn now that feels like it like that as a word like that's such a weighty thing to tell someone and be like dude that's fucking revenge porn I just dropped a law bomb yeah and that that sounds I mean obviously it feels so defaming but like that's exactly what this is and the fact that he doesn't see this as a problem I think really just goes to show that there is still this huge gap between like lads being lads it's just the boys being boys and what actually is is acceptable and how women should be treated it makes me so fucking angry and I have definitely dated guys in the past who had these sorts of group chats who thought this sort of behavior is okay but to objectify a woman or to

think that that it's okay to share nudes even with around friends without that person's consent is problematic on so many fucking levels and there's probably a part of them and this is this is so so wrong but the word revenge porn there's probably part of them that's like what this isn't revenge porn we're telling them how hot we're talking about how hot they are this is all positive like they probably don't associate it with we're not going out trying to ruin someone's life it doesn't matter it is illegal you cannot share somebody else's nudes without their consent i would be if oh i would be ropeable and mortified if i knew that someone obviously someone you trusted because if you're sending a nude to someone there's a level of trust and respect

there this is usually the understanding between two people if I knew they were going and just sharing that my personal photos around it I would be you'd be off it you'd be off them you'd be bye see you later but also do you know what I think it's really important for us to have this conversation because it's so easy for this to be one-sided and for this conversation to be gendered it's so easy to say like male group chats do this to the girls that they're dating but I also know that a lot of women do this as well a lot of women will send around dick pics or they'll send around photos that they have of their partners, not necessarily their boyfriends, but of guys that they're dating. A lot of us have done this in different ways. And I think it's something to be really,

really conscious of. Like, do you want to be part of that archaic mentality that is like, oh, it's okay to share this dick pic with my friend because it's funny, you know? Or do you want to be part of the movement that says, you know, actually, do you know what? I want better for our digital footprint. I want better for the way we treat each other online. Yeah, sure. I might find something funny or I might find something amusing that I want to share with my friends but I'm going to be the bigger person that doesn't subscribe into this gossip and really like objectify and defame someone because I do think that it isn't just guys who do this like we do this sending around dick pics as well a mate I have seen this mate I'm getting fired up now m8

Matt m8 I have seen this in our Facebook group and obviously these are posts that we have very quickly deleted but people sharing photos that someone has sent to them a dick pic or something that maybe I mean normally it has been a dick pic with the sort of sentiment of like ha ha ha I cannot believe I was sent this like that's never okay in any situation doesn't matter if it's a guy sending it to his group of guy friends of a girl or a girl sending it and putting that there to their group of friends who are girls this whole situation is monumentally fucked and I think it all comes down to this conversation around values. You guys might be aligned on a lot of things, but he is showing you who he is and where his values lie by saying that he doesn't

think that there is a problem with this. So I would say the next way for you to approach this situation is to sit down, to have a really genuine conversation around why this is so problematic. If he doesn't understand to educate him on why this is problematic, and if he still thinks that this isn't an issue and that you're overreacting about this I would really question whether he is someone whose values line up with what you want and expect and need in a partner because this to me reeks of immaturity it reeks of toxic masculinity it reeks of just this really archaic lads will be lads and I think that we need to be better and ask for better in our relationships and let's let's give him the benefit of the doubt let's just say he's not educated on the topic he

doesn't know it's illegal let's start from there take him all that information sit down on the internet pull it up show him cases of people that have gone to prison for this kind of a thing like this is a real thing i mean like fuck it's 2022 you shouldn't have to like people shouldn't have to be handheld through this conversation you know i kind of hate that i disagree really yeah to only to a point that i'm not saying we need to handhold but i disagree there would be some very very naive completely removed people still in society and like this is why i say let's give them the benefit of the doubt if if he doesn't know this is actually illegal like he might know deep down that's like oh probably shouldn't be sharing these but he might not know it's actually

people go to prison for it educate him show him if he still has the same sentiment and belief that it's okay well then that's something you need to decide to decide if you want to stay in that relationship because i wouldn't like for me i'd be like well that's you're disgusting like it's not for me and i guess like the big thing for me is is like i know that we keep coming back to this whole concept of revenge porn and like something being illegal or criminalized or whatever but i don't think it always has to be around like where the law lies like what feels morally right like what feels good to you as a person what is the right way to treat someone they're the qualities I want in my partner like you know I don't kind of date someone based on are they doing something

criminal or not like I date someone based on do their values is who they are as a person aligned with who I am as a person and can I be confident and proud in the way that they represent women in the way that they fight for minorities in the way that they share their political views and i really think that this is all very intertwined question number two oh there we go all right question number two about three weeks ago i had the best sex of my life get your gang good on you happy for you and it was a one night stand i didn't realize sex could be this good or that it was even possible when you pick up at a nightclub i knew he was from out of town so there was no expectations we had an amazing night and morning and then also had an amazing afternoon yeah he

didn't leave until 2 p.m so there was lots of sexy times when he left i didn't ask for his number because in my head i was kind of telling myself well he'll probably ask you if he wants your number which is dumb i know i should also mention we really vibed but didn't really talk much about ourselves because it's you know a one-night stand so why bother so using the minimal details i had i typed them into google who would have fucking known his linkedin came up so my question is who could have guessed who could have guessed it can i now go and add him on facebook and say if you're ever back in town i'd love to catch up or do i bury this and ruin the fantasy i remember yes you can message him on facebook yes yeah so i okay here's a little story you can message him

on linkedin but brit says no we've had this conversation not on linkedin you're psycho go to facebook's way better i years and years i think i was 25 i just moved to sydney i've told this probably on the podcast in our very first year like two or three years ago i was online dating then and i didn't i wasn't big on social media but there was this guy that i wasn't big on social media i didn't even know how to do the interweb i didn't know how to do anything when i wasn't big on social it's such a good way of describing it no i mean i wasn't i didn't have i mean i wasn't didn't have social i thought you meant when you were like didn't have a big following I didn't know how to use it the interweb at all like I think it's like a hotmail

or big pond or something nothing against anyone with big pond disclaimer um but I was not good on social media so I had seen this guy and I just it didn't happen often but his online dating profile he was so hot like it was he was so good looking it was ridiculous I don't know what it was he had this dog that I loved I loved his dog I love his vibe of photos I loved everything about him and he had his whole this was I don't know if he put it in I don't remember or if it that's what it used to be online dating them but his whole entire name was in the profile I think back in the day it was a whole name until people started to get stalked and stuff anyway I met I swiped right and it wasn't a match but I remembered his name and we didn't match so I could have part of

me could have been like well he has doesn't like you because he's probably seen you're not matched but i went and found him on facebook so i typed the name in quite a few people came up so i dug onto page 16 and found him yeah but one of his photos that i saw was that i matched it with a photo that i had seen of him and this dog so i knew it was the right guy there are so many layers of you being a crazy bitch in this totally and i fucking love it loved it so i messaged him i was like hey i remember what i wrote i remember saying i don't know my message five to ten years ago i saw you on hey this is this is a sentence I hoped I would never say that's what I said this is a sentence I hoped I would never say I saw you on the dating app and we didn't match so I found you

on Facebook I just wanted to say hey and in my head I just thought I will I will because I waited up I was like will I regret never knowing and the answer was yes I would regret not knowing more then I would regret him rejecting me. So I went for it, took a risk. He wrote back almost immediately or like within an hour. And he said, Hey, I'm so glad you reached out. I haven't seen you online dating. He was from New Zealand. I haven't seen you on there. And then we said, he hadn't gotten to you yet. So it wasn't that he'd said, no, he's like, I just haven't come across you. We, he's like, well, I'm out of matches. Cause I've literally gotten to the place where there's no one left in Sydney. Well, he was in New Zealand. He was from New Zealand,

but he was here we started to talk and I was like this guy's amazing and he said I'm I live in America I'm actually unfortunately going back in three days time but do you want to get dinner and I said yes so we met up that night and we did not leave each other's side for three days we spent the best three days together like had great sex we're obsessed I was like one of those people that was like I've met a soulmate like I was like and he felt the same anyway that was 10 years ago and to this day we are still probably he's probably one of my closest friends like he's in another relationship long term we just adore each other as people the unit for whatever reason the universe was supposed to put us together and he's still someone that I would call to tell every

secret to when I'm upset when I Jordan and I ended I called him first he's one of those people and we've only probably we've caught up over the years I've seen him in America he's been here a few times nothing's ever happened we've just gotten to this point where we're just obsessed with each other as two humans but that was all from going out on this one little limb and chasing someone down so I'm a really big advocate for this well I think this is a funny one because I think like it's always fine if they want you to do it like it's always fine if it's reciprocated right like so if a guy who you don't match with on tinder then stalks you down finds you on facebook and messages you if you think he's hot and you hadn't seen him of course you're going to be like yeah

let's go for it but if you did see him and you swipe no you're gonna be like oh that fucking creep he found me like this can go one of two ways but i think the rule is it's one message it is one message if there is no reply that is the rejection leave that person alone do not be the person that multiply like like is like hello it's me again you get one shot you don't triple text you didn't get on linkedin you don't triple linkedin did you get my message i think it's fine I think in this instance, if you had an amazing time together, it is probably a little bit weird that he didn't ask for your number, but in the same way that you didn't, maybe he thought you were going to ask. You thought he was going to ask. No one asked. So that you, you both kind of

like, okay, well, this is what this is. And then you left it. I think go out, shoot your shot. The worst thing that's going to happen is he's not going to write back. Well, that's it. He's not going to write back. No, you creep. He's not going to write that. he might think it but he won't write it and that's what you've got to remember you've got to remember he's either gonna see it and not reply big deal move on or he's gonna reply and say I had a great time too let's catch up for sure maybe you won't catch up maybe he's being polite maybe you will catch up but shoot your bloody shot and that is totally the take-home message from this like more so than like whether you should go and message someone on Instagram

or like whether you should do it on LinkedIn whatever it is I think the big thing to remember is that like rejection especially when there is not much riding on it when it's literally just you're sending a message and you didn't get a reply that shouldn't be a big deal like we don't need to make that a big deal it's okay to put yourself out there and for someone to be like you know no I wasn't feeling it like that is not a reflection on you as a person it is not a reflection on what you provide in a relationship it's not a reflection of your value by any means what that's a reflection of is what that other person's needs and wants are. And they may not be at a point where they want to date. They may be in a fucking relationship. You do not have

any idea where somebody else is at in life. And the worst thing that you can ever do is take a rejection personally in these instances, because 99.9% of the time, they're just simply not. Question number three. So a few weeks back on a drunken night, I slept with my housemate, who is also my friend. We had been out with a group of mutual friends and one thing led to another and well we did the deed several times now in the one night in several rooms now since then he has basically just pretended as though nothing happened like he hasn't ever brought it up and hasn't mentioned a single thing I don't want to date him or anything like that but is it strange that he hasn't said a single thing about it should I be offended by this should I bring it up with

him or should I just never acknowledge the huge elephant that I feel is in the room I would be putting an advert up on flatmate finder for either you to move out or for him to move out no this is I think this is a funny one I would how many people out there do you reckon it fuck their housemates heaps I reckon you have no do you know what though I once there was three of us right like three friends and we were all going to move into a house together and that was the plan and then I had sex with one of them and then we couldn't all move in together because we all agreed that that would be very bad well I've done it okay that was a 50-50 wait how did that pan out for you so mine was an interesting story before I give you my opinion I'll tell you

it wasn't intentional I had fell over and he fell into me it slipped right in I fell over onto his penis happens to the best person it certainly does okay it was when I moved to Scotland I moved to Scotland and I had I only knew one person there I was living on my own because Sheridan and a girl's gonna eat well Sheridan had fallen in love with Jade her Scottish fiance and they left me for Duff. So I had to fend for myself. So I had to go fend for myself. So I only knew one other person and it was a guy that was from New Zealand originally. I said to him, hey, you don't happen to know anyone that has any accommodation do or is looking for a room to rent. Cause he was a bit young. He'd lived in Scotland for two years and he was like, hold the line. I've got a big

group of friends. Let me put it out there. And I was like, fantastic. That afternoon he gets back to me. He's like, Hey, I've got a whole apartment. You can rent two bedrooms, one bathroom, great place like it's it's pretty nice the guy my friend that owns the apartment is away he said any friend of yours is a friend of mine so he's like he'll give it to you for a really cheap price but you can only have it for eight weeks while he's away and then he's coming like he's giving you eight weeks to find somewhere and I'm like that is amazing that's great that's a long time so I moved into this house and this guy started messaging me just the owner but being really nice just being like hey let me know if you need anything you know like this is the coffee shop I

go to he'd also been sent a photo of what you looked like so he knew exactly who was staying in his house well i don't i don't know if he had but he it turns out he was a rugby player he played world cup rugby yeah for his type well for italy too so like definitely my type sportsman sportsman so he the texts started to eventually into facetimes once a week he'd facetime me to check in everything all right with the house and the first time we saw each other he tells the story where he was like oh that you're pretty cute he didn't say that i wasn't attracted to him initially i just thought he was a really nice guy he wasn't my my actual type after he did his rugby tour he moved back and i was supposed to have left but he had developed this really big crush on me so he's

like you can stay in the house if you want i've got two bedrooms he's like just 100 bucks like whatever just he's like it's nice to have a company but it was a ploy and we ended up i think we're sort of together i guess we ended up eventually hooking up and we'll just it was weird we would like sleep together and we would then go back to your own go back to our own bedrooms and stuff and we like had a shared wall that sounds like the dream relationship that sounds amazing for months months and months just have sex and then go back and get a good night's sleep it was yeah and that was it so like yes i have done it but we it definitely wasn't the elephant in the room we spoke about it this situation is awkward because you have literally just hooked up and now

he's pretending like it didn't happen especially if you're friends like if you guys are housemates and your mates like your good friends who hang out together who like you know you that relationship has now changed but the fact and i'm i do not deal with elephants in the room britney knows this i don't deal with it like you have to fucking talk about it you have to talk about things because otherwise it just like festus and gets weird and so if he's just there being like oh hey how's your day like did some shopping got some milk and you're like yeah remember when you were inside me three days ago when you got my milk yeah remember remember when i milked all over you like there it's it's weird this is weird yes i'm not i'm not arguing the point but i don't think

would you bring it up no you wouldn't you would never say anything but you know what if if i did it would be in a really joking way i wouldn't be like let's sit down and talk about it but i think no i don't think you can be like hey remember how we fucked because what if that's what i would do that's exactly what i do i'm like hey remember the other night how we fucked but i remember had that time how we had sex I would say it in a in a funny way but I would also go with the flow probably a little bit like if he's pretending it doesn't happen and you're happy to pretend it doesn't happen I think that's fine but like there's for some reason he doesn't want to talk about it but maybe he thinks you don't want to talk about it maybe I don't know look if you bring

it up funny throw away comment that's my advice I think the big thing is is like figure out why it makes you feel so weird that he doesn't want to talk about it like is it because you're like there is something that happened we both know it happened and now our friendship feels disingenuous because we're not at least acknowledging it which I think is a very real thing like right you might be feeling like well now we are doing this or like living together and lying about living in sin yeah we're just like it feels inauthentic right and some people really you know and I think most people most people want to live in a way that feels authentic to them especially in their own home. So I think it's okay. Like if this was me, I would probably bring it up. I would definitely

bring it up. I think, and not because yes. And I would say like, Hey, I just want to bring this up because I do feel like there's an elephant in the room and I don't want this to change our friendship because I think you're great. I'm not interested in, in anything more than that. Like that was crazy, but also like, I just want to clear this energy because it feels weird for me. Yeah, for me that makes it – that changes the dynamic because all of a sudden it's making it something bigger than it is. He's like, cool, we had sex. You're like, cool, we had sex.

I don't think you need to talk about it. He's probably worried about making the friendship awkward, changing the friendship dynamic, ruining the friendship. But by sitting down and saying, I don't want this to change anything, but we need to talk about it and addressing it in the room, it changes it. But the thing is you had sex. It changed it anyway. The problem is it's like –

Sex and forget. No, it doesn't work like that. It's not like doing each other's washing. Like he's been inside you. you have had sex so like it doesn't have to be a big deal but like I think if it's becoming a big deal and you cannot stop thinking about it then at least and I mean I okay and the reason why I'm saying like talk about a little bit is because I do think like communication is the foundation for every relationship whether you're friends whether you're romantic whatever it is like have a

conversation it doesn't have to be a big in-depth conversation but if I was in this situation I would feel so fucking weird that we'd had sex and he was just pretending it didn't happen. Well, the benefit of having the conversation, if we're going to go there, is maybe you could hook up again. Maybe this could be my situation. Maybe, yeah. And also like maybe, and you said it earlier, Brie,

but like often people think I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to make the other person feel awkward and he might be doing the same thing. We could be soulmates. And you guys might be meant for each other. Wait, can this be an Ask Uncut aftermath, please? can you tell us what happened with this friendship hooking up story absolutely if you guys have an ask uncut aftermath that means if we have ever answered one of your ask uncut questions before

and you have a resolution to the conundrum we want to know about it slide on into the dms at life uncut podcast tell us what happened and also if you haven't pre-ordered the book yet this is your cheeky little reminder to go jump on the links in our bios get yourself the we love love book we would because we would love love that well there won't be an endless amount so you do want to make sure you get your hot little hands on one before they hopefully sell out and and you know the drill tell your mom to dad to your dog to your friends and share the love because We'll be right back.