Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Can I Date My Late Husband's Friend?

Episode Date: February 16, 2025

Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer all of your deep, dark and burning questions!We had to record this episode a few days early because we didn’t know if Laura would be on a plane to South Africa to be reunited with Matt after I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!By this time, you’ll well and truly know the outcome of whether he made it to the final and whether Laura survived the 30 hours of flying with two kids!Vibes for the week:Britt - Netflix Apple Cider Vinegar Keeshia - Mid Amanda Keller and Anita McGregor Know How Lucky They Are Laura - Case-Mate Stick It! Then we jump into your questions!CAN I DATE MY LATE HUSBAND’S FRIEND?My husband passed aways in an accident nearly 3 years ago, he was 29 and we had been together since we were 16. After years of heartache (which will live with me forever) I’m finally feeling open to the idea of dating again. I’ve recently reconnected with an old friend who was a friend of my husbands too. He has the most grounded, secure, kind energy and I have found myself having feelings for him. I have no idea where he stands on this situation and whether or not he just sees me as a friend. I want to ask him/ tell him how I’m feeling but I don’t want to get it wrong and potentially uplift our friendship. Help THEY NAMED US GODPARENTS WITHOUT ASKING US FIRSTA couple of weeks ago, my husband and I attended my cousin's baby's dedication at church. All was going well until they announced in front of all our friends and family that my husband and I were the Godparents to their child....We were shocked. There was no previous conversation surrounding this topic, and my husband and I agreed that if they asked us, we would politely decline as it's a serious role to take on as we already have 3 kids of our own (and wanted to try for another). We stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react. We were never "asked" to be their child's Godparents and were announced with the title in front of everyone with no prior discussion. Is it rude of me to have a conversation with them and explain that we thought it was unfair of them to announce that in front of our family when we were never even asked if we would take on the role, or should I say nothing and pretend like we aren't bothered by it?SHOULD I HAVE MY PARTNERS PHONE PASSCODE?I have a lot of trust issues… I’ve had a rough time with relationships and trust. I always go through my husband's phone (once a day I would say) not necessarily finding anything just “making sure”. About a month ago I asked him to change his password so I couldn’t go through his phone anymore. What do you ladies think about this; not having your partner's phone password? Do you think it will help my trust as I have to keep reminding myself he is a good guy and my past is still haunting me or do you think it’s unhealthy? I did counselling for a long time after my previous relationships but now it’s too expensive with two children. COULD MY PARTNER BE GETTING A FREE RIDE?I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are expecting our first child. I already owned a house before meeting him and have since sold it so we can buy something for our growing family. The issue is, I am the only one contributing to the deposit and it is a large sum of money from the sale. He is older and has no assets of his own. How do I navigate this so I don’t resent him for ‘getting a free ride’ to a house which I’ve worked so hard to have for myself? I can’t help but resent him for not getting his shit together earlier. For context, we had similar upbringings and occupations so there isn’t much of a salary difference between us. You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! XxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And if you're listening to this on Monday, there is a very good chance that I am in the South African jungle. Yep. Very exciting. So we have... Is it exciting? Well, it's exciting for Matt because it means he made it to the end.

Not so exciting for you because it means you've got a very big trip with two very small children. I'm just petrified of the long haul flight that has two layovers with two children through the night. I think it is going to be hell on earth. Oh, 100%. I don't want to like rub that in but you're going to hate your life for the next couple of days.

But the way this works is so we are recording this a few days early because your life gets put on hold. You're on standby for a flight because obviously people don't know who's going to be the last three in the show. Yeah, and also like I mean it's tricky for us because actually it's quite early that we're recording this because we don't know when Matt's going to get out. So, like, if I do fly over there, I might be in the air

and he could get out on TV. Do you know what I mean? So, like, I don't know. How annoyed would you be if you got there and you found out he'd already been eliminated? Fuck. Do they just send you straight back? What happens if you get halfway?

No, I think if you get there, you still come home on your normal return flight. Like, the return flight is booked, but it depends on how many days I get to get with him because if he makes it through to the final, I don't get any days with him. It's the final and then we fly home the next day. So we actually have no time in Africa together to actually enjoy Africa. No African activities. That's all you had to look forward to. So technically, if he gets out early, then I would have had some more time with him. You could go bungee jumping. Well, yeah. Yeah. Keisha's been

bungee jumping in South Africa, everyone, in case you haven't heard. This is true. But also you guys, I mean, by the time this comes out, you will know the outcome because it would have been last night but we are in the past and it's so hard to know what's happening and i'm in fucking purgatory for i'm a celebrity right now i'm manifesting i feel like he's going to be a hundred percent finale if not he's gone for the win that's what i think that's a lot of pressure i think it's finale for sure i hope so i think reggie's pretty high up there like so reggie bird for anyone who doesn't know who she is she's one big brother twice yeah and she is very very like personable relatable but also just has like a really beautiful incredible story around

the hardship that she's faced with herself and also with her son I kind of think that like she's getting the public vote you know Matt's just getting the force like vote for my husband vote I want to go to South Africa vote yeah but he has been very entertaining and I know that obviously we're a bit biased because obviously last year Britt we were biased for you and I'm also having sex with him so I'm pretty biased and we're not having sex with each other thank god thank god That would be a real issue. Wouldn't that be a scandalous episode if that came out on an Ask Uncut? Okay, let's put our bets on because, like I said, it is in the future.

Who do we think will make it top three? I think it'll be Reggie, fingers crossed, Matt, and Max. That's what I think. I thought Sam, the rugby player. I think Max is taking Sam's spot maybe. Oh, interesting. Do you think that you're going to like – I don't know why I'm laughing. Do you think you're just going to like want to rip each other's clothes off

and have sex or do you think you're like, I'm so fucking tired and he's like, I'm so hungry and scrawny and it's just not going to be any lovemaking. I don't know. I don't know what it's going to be like because there has never been a time in our relationship. Like obviously we did long distance after The Bachelor for like months, like five months or something crazy.

But we could speak to each other every day and we could FaceTime each other every day. I feel particularly disconnected from him at the moment because I've not had a single conversation with him for almost five weeks, which is as much as I've seen him on TV, you know, and like it's great seeing him on TV and I'm very, very proud of him but I don't feel –

I feel like I need to have a conversation with the man and be like, hello, I'm your wife. He also did say – Nice to see you again. He's a mango. He also said that he'd rather eat a mango than have sex with you. Yeah, but now he can have both. He doesn't have to make the choice.

He can do them simultaneously or he could have sex with a mango. Or he can fuck a mango when he gets out. Yeah, the choices are endless. It's going to be fucking wild. I don't know. i honestly don't know how i think it'll be very emotional for him seeing the girls as well and that's the big reason why i'm taking them over yeah even though it is like a hellish flight and it's a very quick so i think by the time we get there i think we're only there for a couple of

days maybe three nights in total and then we fly back home so it's a very quick round trip but i'm doing it because i know that how much it'll mean to him to have the girls there even though that that's going to be hell for me and i also think i have like runs on the board now for like plenty of girls trips. Like I am owed some girls trips. Your bank is overflowing with your like payback bank. Yeah. Hamilton Island, anyone? We're coming. Yeah. I'm going. Hello, book those golf buggies. Noosa, I hear it's fabulous this time of year. I'll be there. Like, don't you worry. You would go in a tsunami right now. You would be like, get me out of here. You would see me every weekend. You'd be like, is Laura away again? I'd be like, yes, with my girlfriends.

It's been great. If we are the girlfriends that you're speaking about, I am absolutely keen to come so yeah so look guys like i said i mean unfortunately you know everyone knows what the final has happened now i wish we could talk about it for this episode but we won't know until like later this week on wednesday do you remember and like this is how much matt is going to be excited to see i remember when i came out of the jungle all i wanted to do like the intensity to see ben like the overwhelming feeling was so much that i booked a flight there and i was going to see him for one day I was flying from South Africa to Scotland to surprise him for just over 24 hours it was costing me a bomb but then I was going to fly back to Australia I was on the runway

I'd organized the surprise I'd organized the next door neighbors to leave keys out like I was going bit creepy but I was going to be in his house when he got home he was it would have been the best surprise I have ever pulled off and that was probably one of the only flights in my life that's ever been cancelled I was on the runway to go and they cancelled it because of weather and I was hysterical. You would have thought a family member had passed away because I was just so upset at how close it was and then it got taken away from me because the feeling is just

so intensified, like you said. I'm always away from Ben. You're away from your family but you're not even speaking so it's intensified. Trust me, if I'm stuck in Singapore sitting on a plane and the flight gets cancelled with two kids next to me, I also will be hysterical. You'd be happy.

I will feel the same. No, if I am stuck with a cancelled layover with two kids in an airport, I will be devastated. Have you ever given them Finergan? No. Because I've heard that that can be a bit of a dice roll. I don't want to tempt that, no. I don't think you drug your kids.

I'm also not like, I'm not a melatonin mum. I've never done melatonin. I know it works for a lot of people and like a lot of people are cool with giving melatonin to their kids and like absolutely no judgment on that. I just kind of feel weird about it. And my kids are relatively good sleepers. Like they go to sleep pretty, that's a lie.

That's actually, I was like, do I call bullshit on this? My kids are fucking terrible, but I still don't want to give them melatonin. I feel bad about it. They're actually the worst sleepers ever. Lola tried to sleep on my face last night. So yeah, I really take it back. Like a cat. She's like, it's really warm here.

So she like lays horizontal across my face. Anyway, that's it. So that's my update for me, guys. I will, once I know more, you will be the first to know. Well, they'll already know. yeah but like once you know more about like how it's been on our side you know obviously you'll see what plays out on tv but you know i'll tell you i'll update you on the mango and we're gonna get mad on we'll chat all about it we'll catch up with him and see how it went compare notes we'll

get a mango juice sponsorship and we'll find boost juice come for us mango smoothie this episode is brought to you by boost juice and i mean it's not i wish it was but here we are let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes before we answer your questions brit what's your vibe for the week My vibe is a Netflix show. It's number one or two at the moment, so it's not shocking. Apple Cider Vinegar. Okay. I started this and I got like five minutes in and I was like, I hate this.

It was really hard. I'm vibing it because I really loved the issues that it highlighted more so. So if you don't know what it is, Apple Cider Vinegar is the Netflix show that is based on the story of Belle Gibson, who pretended she had cancer, scammed a lot of people, like really horrible. She's the Aussie. I mean, most people know who she is. But if you don't, they've turned it into a Netflix series and they really lean into the fact that it's fiction and nonfiction.

It's based on a true story, but we're also trying to make a drama. They learned from Baby Reindeer. Oh no, they did. It's a theme. Every single episode is a bit of a joke on it. One of the characters is in character and they look at the camera and they were like, just to reiterate, whilst that we are making this drama, we want to be clear that Belle Gibson did not make a cent from this. And they really lean into the fact from off the back of Baby Reindeer. But I like the fact that it highlighted the dangers surrounding withholding from traditional

medicine and only using like juice cleanses. And it highlights that they go to Mexico and they do all this meditation and whatever else to try and treat their cancer. Now, I'm all for holistic approaches combined with traditional medicine. Like I think that they can go hand in hand, but it highlighted the problems with foregoing medicine. What was the name of her app that she had, Belle Gibson? The Whole Pantry.

The Whole Pantry. So they talk all about it. They talk all about the app. They talk about her whole story. It's really fascinating and I guess I want to say I learned a lot about her story but I also don't know how much was a bit of added flavour. I find it, this is an interesting vibe for you, Britt, because I have, like you said, Keish, I have heard very mixed reviews

because I was really excited to watch it when I first saw that it was coming out. I find the Belle Gibson case devastatingly interesting. Like I really find it fascinating, but I also just like cannot comprehend the hurt and the extortion that that was to so many families who were already suffering with sick kids. However, yeah, it hasn't had great reviews. And I wonder if it's because of the way in which it's been created or people expecting it to be more of a documentary style. It's had mixed reviews. I think at the same time as I'm recommending it that I enjoyed some of the themes in it, it was also quite annoying at times.

like I was frustrated and I was annoyed. So I don't know how, I know there's a lot of people saying, I don't know how they can go hand in hand. Did you like it? This is a recommendation, but you might hate it. No, but you know why? Okay. I was annoyed by the themes because you could see what was happening. You could see that there were people withholding using medicine and it was frustrating because I was like, I know what's going to happen. Like, why are you doing this? Listen to the doctors. I was, I found myself frustrated and angry, but I thought it was almost like I owed it to the families that got scammed that I wanted to watch it through. I had like this weird attachment to it where I thought this is real people's lives. Like I do want to see this

out and I do want to see what happens. Some of the acting was brilliant. There's an Australian actress in it, Alicia Debnam Carey, who was brilliant. The lead girl is actually American. The girl that plays Belle is American and her Australian accent was really, really good. Like I take my hat off to it. Very divisive. It's not, some people are frothing it and some people are in it I'm sitting somewhere in the middle but enough that I was like you know what watch it and tell me what you think. That was similar with Baby Reindeer though and I remember even people in our own Facebook group were like Keisha I think you're just a bit too basic for this because you're not supposed to enjoy it you're supposed to feel uncomfortable by the content and I was

like no that's not why I watched it I am a bit more basic than that. I loved it. Anyway my vibe for this week is it's a podcast episode of Mid which is done by Holly Wainwright at Mamma Mia and it is the episode with Amanda Keller and her best friend, Anita McGregor. Now, Amanda Keller is someone that for a really, really long time I have idolized. I think she is absolutely fantastic, particularly when I was in radio, when I was like a radio host. I looked at Amanda as someone that I just so wanted to be like, you know, I think that she has this beautiful vulnerability in the way that she talks on radio and the way that she connects with people. And I just find her so incredibly likable and intelligent and her best friend,

Anita McGregor is a forensic psychologist. So they actually have a podcast themselves. And I have listened to that in the past. I don't know why I haven't listened to it for a little while, actually. I should get back into that. But this particular episode that they did with Holly on Mid was about their best friendship. And it was about women's friendships in general. And there was this little part that Holly did at the start that actually brought me to tears because she was talking about how she had this best friend and they'd been best friends for decades. And it was just such a special friendship that she's carried with her throughout her entire adult life and how they have just been these pillars for each other and anyway she kind of went into this conversation

and asking Amanda and Anita who have been best friends for 17 years how they have helped each other navigate different life stages different you know parts of their friendship whether they give each other feedback that's honest or if they're just supportive and it was just one of those episodes that I listened to and I was like oh fuck female friendship is just actually so important you know like you don't get that message from the life on top podcast of course I do but I think it's different when it comes from people who are a little bit older than me I had a similar response when I listened to Jane Fonda on Julia Louis-Dreyfus podcast quite a while ago I vibed that a long time ago because they were just talking about female friendship and it was

it was a beautiful reminder for me of really nurturing the friendships in my life because I will need them over the course of my lifetime so yeah uh mid with Amanda Keller and Anita McGregor it's the most recent episode well my recommendation is for anybody who is potentially a content creator or finds themselves needing to be hands-free and facing their phone Brit you have on your phone like a suction case so like Brit's had this thing on for a while I was an OG it's like a full suction case that you can like stick your phone onto anything you could I mean I don't recommend it but you could stick your phone onto your laptop screen I do that you can stick it onto your window you can stick it onto anything right like it genuinely sticks to a wall so I

tried the one that you have Britt but I kind of hated that I couldn't ever take it off the case because it's very bulky and it's quite difficult to get your phone in and out of your pocket right so there is one that I have found which comes with either a magnet or it goes directly onto at the back of your phone and it is from casemate but it's basically like an attachment that you can put onto your phone which allows you to stick your phone anywhere and do things hand free so for us who are constantly like doing stories or we're on our phones a lot i find it incredibly handy i think you guys are going to be like what the hell is she talking about but if you're watching on youtube you'll know exactly what i'm talking about because i'm holding it up in the air they're so good they're

very handy i stick mine everywhere because i'm always talking to ben so like when i'm cooking just stick it on the kitchen wall and I just move around the kitchen as I'm, you know what I mean? Like it just goes in, going into the shower, having some sexy time, goes on the window. Well, I stick mine on the, like anytime I'm on the Peloton, I stick it on the screen of my Peloton and then I can still do stuff whilst I'm working out.

It's right there. I use it when I'm doing makeup, if I'm watching a makeup tutorial and I'm trying to imitate it, I put it on the mirror next to my face so I can pause it. Do you do makeup tutorials and actually copy them like as you're watching them? I try to. Do you?

I didn't know that. I don't know anyone who does that. But that's, wow. Really? Yeah. That's the only way that I'm able to like do my, I've had a lot of weddings and we've had a lot of awards things lately. And I don't pay to get my makeup done.

But you do it in like real time. Like you'll watch it as they step by step you through it. Then you stop, start, stop, start. Well, I pause and then I try and copy it. And then I hit play and then I try and copy the next bit. I've done the same makeup every day of my life. Same. I never change it.

I am the most repetitive basic bitch that there is. I don't ever try something new. I'm not about trying new things. Well. I'm about safety. Maybe you could now that you've got your sticky case, mate. That's true. Anyway.

Laura doing a makeup tutorial is not on 2025 bingo list. No. You're really creative. Maybe watching one. Yeah, I'm creative, but not with makeup. I know what works for me. And less is more because I look like I'm, it doesn't do me well. Anyway, let's get into the questions.

Okay. Question number one. My husband passed away in an accident nearly three years ago. He was 29 and we'd been together since we were 16. That's really sad. after years of heartache which will live with me forever i'm finally feeling open to the idea of dating again i've recently reconnected with an old friend who was also a friend of my husband's he has the most grounded secure kind energy and i have found myself having feelings for him

i have no idea where he stands on this situation and whether or not he sees me as just a friend or has feelings too i want to ask him slash tell him how i'm feeling but i don't know if i want to risk getting it wrong and potentially uplifting our friendship? I mean, like, I guess there's like kind of two questions in this. It seems like the main one is, is like the fear of getting it wrong. The reality is, is you could get it wrong no matter who it is that you have feelings for. You could put yourself out there and you could be rejected. Like that's a very real thing when it comes to dating. Obviously there's an added layer to it in terms of he is someone who was friends of your husband's but also I kind of think that if he is this like kind grounded like

understanding person that you've described him as I don't think he's going to come to you with judgment if you say that you have feelings for him and you explain it in an honest way like it's been three years you clearly loved your husband so much this is not you moving on at rapid pace with his best friend this is a very like considered and conscious thing with a lot time in between. And I certainly don't think that you should feel bad or feel guilty if you do feel bad or feel guilty for having these feelings. I think that it's, it's really understandable and it's actually probably more common than what you might realize that people have feelings for someone who's already within their network because they become a huge comfort to them through grief.

Yeah. My heart really, really hurts for you. Like thinking that you're only 29, you were together since you were 16 and you lost the love of your life it's a huge thing to experience at a really young age horrible and and I want to start by saying like I cannot imagine so take my advice with a grain of salt but I feel like I want to say you probably know better than ever that life is short like you don't need people to tell you that you have lived it so if you have these feelings I think I say tell him I think I say talk to him about it and just see there is a chance that maybe it is being confused with a connection that you know you both share with your husband and that's why you were close or it's a chance that it is super real and he feels it too it's so normal

to have these feelings for people that you spend a lot of time with yeah and I think your guilt is only coming from the fact that he ran in the same circle it's not that you're moving on it sounds like it's just that he also knew who your husband was but you 100% deserve to be happy and I do agree with you Laura whilst we don't know him he sounds like a wonderful friend and a wonderful human that I think if you said that I think I have feelings for you I don't think that's going to make him never want to speak to you again if you did get it wrong yeah and I mean look I mean reading your question again there isn't anything in here that says that you feel guilty for having feelings that doesn't say anything that you feel as though like maybe you should be concerned about

the fact that you had now have feelings for a man that was once friends or is friends with your husband who passed away. But what you've asked is, I want to ask him or tell him about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to get it wrong and potentially just ruin the friendship. I don't think it'll totally ruin the friendship, but I do think that you can approach this conversation slowly. And I think that it can be kind of a bit of a slow creep. I don't think you need to sit down with him and be like, these feelings are overwhelming. I'm in love with you. Like it would be more of a, how much you appreciate them being there and being there for you and how your feelings have started to evolve and how did they feel about that you know and I think that that is kind of a

softer way to approach it than emotionally dumping I want to go so far as to say too it doesn't just have to be verbal like you can put signals out you can put your feelers out with touch you can flirt you can there are things that you can do to see if it's reciprocated most people can feel it out and see if someone's flirting back like you can tell if someone's reciprocating feelings when you put them out there or if it's an awkward moment where they haven't like doubled down on the feeling like you will get a vibe and if you are putting those feelers out a little bit like even if it's something that you wouldn't normally do that still could be innocent a touch of the leg or like an extra long hug or a you know those little things where you brush past someone there

are all these little ways of trying to investigate if you don't want to go like hell for leather if you don't want to sit him down and be like look I think I love you but don't you think like maybe those things have already been done and that's why she's at a point where she's like okay I I'm wondering whether I'm picking up on these things. I can only imagine, though, that there is an added layer of absolute confusion when you add in the fact that, you know, he's someone who was friends of your late husband's. I don't know how you navigate that without having the conversation with a bit more honesty and a bit more openness because you've both been through so much.

Like, that is a huge grief that the two of you have been through. So I agree with what you're saying, Britt, in a normal situation, but I'm not sure if just like pivoting the friendship to flirty town necessarily would be the best way for you to go about it when you've been friends for so long i don't know it's a tricky it's a really tricky one to navigate and i just think it's an honest conversation yeah but i think the strange thing here is it's not they haven't been besties for ages she said i've recently reconnected with an old friend so he hasn't been in the circle for a long time they haven't been really close besties they were friends a long time ago all obviously in the same circle they've reconnected why have

you reconnected why have you sought each other out well that's a good question did he seek you out was he like hey it'll be nice to catch up did you seek him like ask yourself all these things but I really want to say life is really short if you have these feelings every part of me wants to say to you you deserve to be happy and you deserve to fall in love and if you think that it's reciprocated then I want to say go for it like I can't imagine any pain that you were going to experience is going to be remotely similar to what you have been through I would be taking your chance in love but that's but I'm a romantic yeah I take your chance no I agree and I think like it's always good to ask yourself the big question of like what am I gonna lose by being

honest in this and like if it uproots the friendship and the friendship does shift like if you do lose that friendship like what does that look like for you is that a risk you're willing to take like is the friendship one that's so imperative to you because it's not necessarily a friendship when you have these feelings anyway you know it's already compromised so at least like you have the answer to your question but also can you send us this in as an aftermath like can you update us on what you do and what happens with this situation this is one i'm proper invested in yeah i agree all right a couple of weeks ago my husband and i attended my cousin's baby's dedication at church which i'm guessing is kind of like a christening yeah all was going well

until they announced in front of all of our friends and family that my husband and i were the godparents to their child we were shocked there was no previous conversation surrounding this topic. And my husband and I agreed that if they asked us, we would politely decline as it's a serious role to take on. And we already have three kids of our own and wanted to try for another one. We stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react. We were never asked to be their child's godparents and were announced with the title in front of everyone with no prior discussion. My question is, is it rude of me to have a conversation with them and to explain to them that we thought it was unfair of them to announce that in front of our entire family

when we were never even asked if we would take on the role or should I say nothing and pretend like we aren't bothered by it? This is wild. There are things that you can get away with not asking. No, they obviously were so confident that you were going to say yes. No, that is so ballsy to assume that people would take your kids if you die. That's a question. That's what godparents mean.

No, it doesn't. A godparent traditionally just means that you are responsible for the religious upbringing of that child. You're not responsible for inheriting that child if you pass away. No, I have been asked to be, I'm so many people's godparents because I've got no kids and all of them, it's who you want your child to go to if something happens to you. Of course, it's about like the bringing up as well. But if God forbid something happened to parents, it's about who the person is that they trust

to be the stepping parent. Okay, genuinely, and I say this from someone who was raised in the Catholic church, but a classic christian godparent if that's where this is is a person who presents a child at baptism to promise to take responsibility for their religious education i think it's evolved i agree i agree but i don't think that every single person out there who has taken on the responsibility of a godparent necessarily is also taking on the responsibility of adopting the child because i've got a lot of kids coming my way if something happens to the parents yeah look i mean brazen bold maybe it's because people don't really often say no to that request I think

like godparent request is kind of like being asked to be a bridesmaid most people just say yes even if they do it reluctantly well I okay this is my thing right I'm not religious but I have said yes to being people's godparents because when you're not religious it means something else so I can't come to it from a religious aspect because I didn't grow up in a church but for me the people that have asked me to be a godparent it has been to be there when they need you, et cetera, et cetera, to help raise the baby if you need to. But it's also if something goes wrong, it's almost like riding them into a wheel. So that's my experience. If that is your experience here, which I'm not saying it is, maybe it's just about the religion and teaching them.

If it is your experience, that is a really big thing. And I think you absolutely are entitled to have a conversation and say, Hey, like what, what are the expectations around this? Like when you say I'm your godparent, what level of involvement does that mean? And really clarify what it means because evidently, even as we've discovered in this conversation, it means very different things to different people. So I think you really need to firstly nut out what are the expectations of your role as godparent and then maybe you can decide because if it's really low key and it's just a title because that means you mean something to them and you don't have to do that much, then just look at it maybe as an honor. But if they have these really high expectations

and it does maybe mean that you have to inherit the children one day and it's quite excessive and you don't want that then I think that that is a different discussion yeah I absolutely agree I think have that and then once you understand what the expectations are of you in that role then you can say whether or not you do or don't feel comfortable to be that person but also like asking someone to be that significant thing or person in your life whether it might be a bridesmaid whether it might be a godparent whatever it is maybe it's asking someone to marry you it's like that's a moment that's like a special thing that you share with that person that makes them feel valued and respected and important and you share it with them first

because those qualities are so important prior to sharing it with everyone you know what I mean it's like a thing that makes that person feel individual within something that's very special to everyone and maybe they thought you were gonna say no so they're like we'll just put them on the spot do you reckon yeah I don't know why else do you do it weird one the only reason you ever ask people things or say statements in front of other people like witnesses is so that they can't say no and they feel pressure to say yes but who says no to being a godparent like that people yes I do agree but it's also like quite an offensive response like if I was like hey I love you and I want you to be such a big part of my child's life and I'd love for you to be their godparent

and someone was like oh not for me but it's a lifelong responsibility I know it is but I would think that if you're choosing someone to be a godparent you've chosen them because you think that they're going to be a lifelong person in your life in your child's life you guys are clearly on the wrong page like you are not feeling the same about this role which is why there are some things I think like oh bite the bullet just let it happen but like a lifelong dedication to a child is not one of those things where I'm going to say bite the bullet I think you need to have the conversation and just it 100% comes down to what they see your role is as a godparent do you know what this reminds me of it's very different but you just like ride the ride the wave with me everyone

it's like when you're like casually dating someone you're casually dating you are not committed this is a situation ship i am not your girlfriend and then they just introduce you as their girlfriend and you're like how i did not fucking sign up for that pal how do we get here why am i meeting your mom laura you're the person that's doing it you're the person introducing the situation ship as a boyfriend yes 100 unless unless you're the other person but this happened to me many many years ago we were like chill chill chill everything's chill and then all of a sudden I was introduced as a girlfriend I was like we're not chill anymore and then I was like freaked out they had to break up with him it was awful Keisha was like let me sign up how's the opposite you were the one I was like

stop introducing me as your friend we've been hooking up for four months you're like we've been together for five years we live together we're invited to weddings did this happen yeah Toblerone? No, no, no. Before. Yeah. Stop introducing me as your friend. Like not just once.

That's bad. To be fair, my partner I was with for two years and was getting married to used to do that too. But the sociopath. Yeah. I think we've all, this is the reason why we've bonded so deeply over the years. We've all experienced it. The guy, my situationship of an entire year, I met his mum finally and it was around Christmas time and I thought I was meeting his mum because we were dating and I got called a mate.

so that was also this is my mate Laura okay we're taking a trip down memory lane I remember when I was meeting this guy I was with for two years right like thought I was with him properly obviously thought we're getting married I remember meeting his parents and you know this makes me sound like hindsight's a wonderful thing I realize that I can see the red flags in hindsight but when you're in it you don't see it we were going to meet his parents for the first time which was already mind you well over a year in and he said I just want to preface this like I think I'm just going to introduce you as a friend and I was like why and he's like it's just too hard at the moment my parents are going through a divorce it's all very messy they were really this is what he said

they were really attached to my ex and I just don't want them to be like a thing where they don't like you because you're the new person yet so and I was like I totally get that I really want them to like me so I fucking met them as a friend his parents had been divorced for like 15 years everything was bullshit and I went through that and I met them as the friend can you believe that what I can't believe is that people take advice from us the three of us I learned my lesson absolutely fucking useless it's weird no one has asked me to be their child's good parent not a single person neither have I I'm no I'm no godparents yeah I don't think you and I scream religious upbringing I also don't have godparents for my children and I think the reason why I don't

have godparents for Lola and Marley is because of what it means to me to be a godparent because when being raised Catholic and being raised in the church and going to Catholic school and you know doing all of the different things it had a very specific meaning to me and so it kind of feels a bit mute now that I don't identify as being religious at all so what you're saying is that it's available the position's available it's still do you want to pick you can audition who would you pick me or Keisha would you tell us beforehand or would you just announce it in You can both be it. I don't think we need it.

I don't like the idea of it having to be like gendered. You have a male and a female. I'll have Marley. You can have Lola. No, we can't split them up. One of us is taking them. They've got to go together. You can both.

Who do you trust more? It's the same. As if if I don't give them, if I give them to you, Britt, they're going to end up at Keisha's house every weekend anyway. With Delilah. Like what's the difference? It's so funny you say this because I have, I think I'm three people's godparents, like different family members.

They all have like, hey, if something happens, can you have the kids? But they've all said the same thing. they're like we don't know how we feel about it but you're the only one that's got like stable job you don't have any kids so that fit in but we're a bit worried about what that eat and what that do and i'm like i don't know if i'm flattered or not the kids live off chicken nuggets dinosaur nuggets chicken nuggets and salmon steaks which it sounds like a semi-luxurious and also a bit povo but it's like in between one extreme to the other yeah look funny yeah i don't have godparents no and also do you know what i grew up with godparents i couldn't even tell you who my

godparents are i was given godparents as a child no clue who they are don't know i have no idea i'd have to check with my mom my aunties and uncles i just reread we stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react it's relatable it's so awkward all right next question i have a lot of trust issues this okay let me preface this this question is a little bit cooked okay it's a little bit cooked we don't judge so are we yeah it's fine good company we've establish that all right we listen and we do not judge I have a lot of trust issues I've had a rough time with relationships and trust in the past and I always go through my husband's phone literally once a day I would say not necessarily finding anything just making sure wow yeah every

24 hours about a month ago I asked him to change his password so I couldn't go through his phone anymore what do you ladies think about this not having your partner's phone password do you think it'll help my trust as I have to keep reminding myself that he is a good guy and my past is still haunting me or do you think that it's unhealthy I did counseling for a long time after my previous relationships but now it's too expensive with two children help I was thinking okay if this is a newish relationship I get it maybe you don't know where you're at or you don't know much about him but it's your husband. So I'm assuming that it's a relatively long relationship that you've been with him for, if you've been long enough to know him, date him, have kids, get married.

So I'm wondering if he's done anything to make you feel that way. That's one thing. If he's been an amazing husband, that's never made you question and your issues are still from your past, then it is a way bigger issue. I do not think it's normal to go through your partner's phone. So I have Ben's passwords and he leaves his phone unintended all the time and I have not ever once opened it he has my passwords yeah he can go through it whenever he wants and he doesn't and I I don't want to say like it's you know I don't want you to compare it to this but I do want to say that it is not normal to have this level of distrust that you're going through your husband's phone every single day if he hasn't done anything to make you feel that way yeah it's this to me I

read this and I was like you can do something so often that it becomes a compulsion to do it yeah like you have created like a incredibly toxic habit that you feel like you have to have maintenance on your husband to quote unquote make sure he's not doing anything like you there is so much fear that you have manifested and I don't want to say because we don't know you have not said you said you had a really rough time in relationships and trust but you haven't said like you said Britt you have not said if that is from this relationship right so I don't want to say that this is all you and you've manifested this and you're you're like creating this in your mind it may be the byproduct of really bad behavior of your husbands and therefore you are now in this

cycle of like not totally being able to trust and not totally being able to forgive and just kind of going around in the hamster wheel but making the assumption that that's not the case you are making this so much worse by the habit and the constantness of the checking so i think firstly i think it's good that you've put some parameters in place so that you can't check his phone not knowing his password is a good step well you've recognized there's a problem yeah however the thing is is that i think that you probably need to try and work to create some distance in terms of like you don't want it to be the fact that the only reason why you're not going through his phone is because you don't know his password do you know what i mean like you might need this for a period

to help to create that separation. But you do have to get to a point where the reason why you don't check his phone is because you trust him. You trust that there's nothing going on there that needs you to check it in the first place. And I mean, I know that you said you've done counseling and you did it in your previous relationships, but now it's too expensive. It's almost as though that you've created a compulsive behavior, but the compulsive behavior isn't just the checking of the phone. It's the constantly thinking about the checking of the phone. It's the constantly thinking about wanting to catch him out about something and you're in this like loop of when you think that you worry and manifest and are having this anxiety that he's done something

wrong and you need to check his phone to satiate the worry and the anxiety you are being made to feel better every time you check his phone because there's nothing there so you're getting that sort of like reassurance the thing is you have to get to a place where you break that feedback cycle and you're able to give yourself the reassurance that there's nothing there and actually trust that statistically, you've checked it a hundred times. There's nothing there. There's nothing more to check. Well, no, I mean, I don't believe that. One day there might be something, but I'm not trying to say that to scare you. But if he hasn't been the cause, you've done the first step. You've recognized that you're the problem and what you're doing is not right because you've asked him to

change the password. This means he's hyper aware of the fact that there is an issue. Like otherwise, it's not a normal thing for you to go to your husband and say, babe, change your password. there has to have been a conversation of some sort that's happened off the back of that what I want you to ask yourself is what was that conversation like how in depth did you go how much reassurance did you get what was your husband's reaction because it might just be that I would normally say speak to someone and get counseling but I totally understand that's so expensive and that is not currently an option for you so maybe it can be the way that you talk to each other like maybe you and your husband you can really explain what your issues are and why and you can say

I don't think you're doing anything wrong I can't explain why I'm doing it but I want to stop and maybe it's a matter of him giving you some more reassurance in the relationship maybe there's some sort of lack of affection that's making you question what your relationship is I can't be sure what is the driving force here for your insecurity in this moment but what I can be sure always saying help talking to your partner he's always going to help in some capacity if he doesn't want to bar of it that's another discussion and I would then say I understand where your insecurities are coming from if he doesn't want to talk to you about it it's tricky because like yes I understand like if he doesn't want to bar of it but like let's assume he's never

done anything wrong and every day he has his wife checking his phone doing maintenance just to make sure there's this like presumed fault here that's happening it would become exhausting having to constantly reassure your partner that you're not a bad person and that you're not cheating on them if every single day they are checking your phone and so I understand if he gets to a point where he's like I don't want to keep talking about this like I don't know how much more reassuring you want I've changed my password you're the one with the issue you're the one that needs to get over this like how do you move past it when like all the reassurance is being given how would you react if you found out that your partner was checking your phone every single day oh I'd be really upset

because I'd be upset because the the implication is that you don't trust me and that you think I'm doing something whilst he has access to it I would ask why what is it that you're looking for in my phone right now like it's different when you need to go in and just check a message or an email or send something or go into google maps or yeah but if you're just scrolling through my personal phone it's still your personal device it's very very accusatory like I'm looking through this with the expectation of the maintenance that I might find something it's also an invasion of privacy yeah yeah totally well I mean yes and no in some instances like for example I have full access to Matt's phone we have like an open phone policy in our house it was never it was never laid out

we never sat down and were like we're gonna have an open phone policy but we've always been very open with our phones if I came downstairs and he was going through my phone I would not assume that he was going through my text messages because he thought that I'd done something wrong. I would think he was looking for someone's pay ID or he was looking for a photo or something. Do you know what I mean? Because like we have that openness to it. But if I found out that every single day he was going through my phone trying to catch me out for being deceitful, it would affect the way I feel about him in some way. I would feel really hurt, I think, that he didn't trust me. But I do think that there is another layer to this. And I think that, yes, you might have a lot of anxieties

about past relationships, but what I said in the beginning, you have created a loop of habit. And I think you actually, apart from maybe looking at, you know, okay, what do I need to do from a relationship or self-work perspective? I actually think it could even be helpful to looking at how to break a habit every single time that you, if you have the urge to check his phone, every single time that you put that phone down and you walk away from it, rather than checking it, you are creating new synapses that tell you that you don't have to do that habit anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like you're creating the habit of not doing it. Well, that's what she's done by changing the password. She can't physically do it. Exactly. You've taken one step, but this is like,

this is something you have to be conscious of every day. And every single time you have that urge, you've got to go, do you know what? I'm not going to check it because I do trust my husband and he's a great guy. And then walk away from that phone and go for a walk or go and do something else, do something that totally distracts you away. And the more times that you are able to do that the more chance you have of breaking this really fucking toxic habit that you have around phones and your husband you know what's interesting though I would be off the fact even though we have an open phone policy too if Ben was just going through my phone for shits and giggles all the time I'm off that it's still like my private life like it's still like my private diary and I'm not

my diary I'm not hiding anything in there but there's just something that puts me off if I just found him in the depths scrolling my phone and reading messages in the emails like I just think it's still my private place when I say Matt goes for my phone like and he goes to find a picture or something or sometimes he'll go to find an email that's like something that he might need but I know he's not scrolling through my like he's not in there with the intention of anything other than something that mutually benefits us or him you know what I mean like it'd be because he needed an invoice for the reno or like do you know what I mean there's never been a time where I've seen Matt going through my phone and thought what are you looking for what are you trying to

yeah. Huh? I'm like, Oh, what photo do you want? Like to tell me, tell me and I'll tell you where it is. Do you know what I mean? Like it's never been met with that because there's just so much trust. Whereas I think about my past relationship and I was this person, like when I was in my fucking really toxic relationship with the guy was cheating on me. I went through his phone every single day, every day. A guy I was dating changed the name of the girl that he was cheating on me with to one of his best mate's names so that I wouldn't see the name on the phone and think to click on the messages because I thought it was just his mate.

That warrants you going through his phone. That's why. But I only found that out because I went through it. Totally. But the thing is, though, is that you didn't take that relationship trauma into your next relationship. You didn't start dating someone and then start going through their phone thinking that that person is the replica of your ex.

You know what I mean? You give everyone the benefit of the doubt based on the new relationship and how they treat you. It took a couple of goes, but I actually remember in my current relationship when we first got together, I remember having the conversation with myself and I actively said, the second you feel the need to go through his phone, you need to end your relationship because that is your past and that shows that you don't trust your new boyfriend. And because of what I had been through previously, I knew I couldn't feel safe in a relationship where I still felt that need to like to check that everything was okay. Did you just link his iCloud to yours? So just computer. I'm so bored.

His messages are so boring. No, but what I mean is like, I actually do understand what started this behavior. And I think exactly like you've said, Laura, it's just become a habit. Like now I think you're kind of just, you're getting that regulation of the calm down effect by not finding anything. And so you're like, okay, I'm good for another 24 hours. I'll check again tomorrow when the anxiety raises again. And so I think you need to do some regulation work.

Go and listen to the episode we do with TJ Powers at the beginning of this, which is all around like how to regulate your dopamine and your internal cortisol and see the sun first before you go through your partner's phone i know that that sounded that sounded really base but like maybe try it all right last question i have been with my partner for five years and we are expecting our first child i already owned a house before meeting him and have since sold it so he can buy something for our growing family the issue is i am the only one contributing to the deposit as it is a large sum of money from the sale. He is older and has no assets of his own. How do I navigate this so that I don't resent him for, quote, getting a free ride to a house which I have worked so hard

to have for myself? I can't help but resent him for not getting his shit together earlier. For context, we had very similar upbringings and occupations, so there isn't much of a salary difference between us. I've just been better with my money. Oh, you need to have a prenup. Even if you guys aren't married and you're having a baby together you're a de facto relationship it is not offensive and it is not abnormal to have a prenup you need to have a big conversation with him about finances he knows that you're coming to this relationship with more money than him he knows that you're coming to this relationship with the deposit for the house and you say I love you and I love everything that we're building together and I love that we have a family

however financially and from a financial security perspective I wanted to have a conversation with you about this house that we're buying together, I am putting down the deposit and I want that money to be protected. So if anything does happen in our future, I know that at least I'm going to walk away from our relationship with that deposit still intact. And if he turns around and says that's a problem, then that is an absolute red flag as to what type of person this guy is. Yeah. This to me is so easy and straightforward. I am in this exact situation besides the fact we are expecting our first child. So I bought a house as an investment a couple of years ago. I don't live in it. I rent now, but I made an investment for myself before I met Ben.

Since Ben's coming to the picture, we're getting married. We have had that discussion where I have said, look, whatever we build from here forward and whatever we build together as a couple and a family will be ours as a couple. I said, but I want to know that we're on the same page here. What I have built before you and what I have worked hard for is mine. Are you happy if we move forward like that and it wasn't even he was like of course like you've done that before me this is yours he's happy to put that in writing and and the same with him anything that he has built before me I wouldn't think about touching but I do think once you make something as a couple it gets a little bit more tricky so if this comes down to is he going to be contributing to this new

mortgage I understand you're bringing the deposit is he going to be paying week to week is it 50 50 Is it all you? Because you can say, you can put into an agreement, like you can put anything you want into a legal financial agreement. So you can say, I'm bringing $200,000 deposit to this house. So I will own that percentage of when we sell, whatever profit we make on the rest, we'll split 50-50. Like you can make that financial agreement, whatever suits you, as long as you go down the legal aspect. Yeah. And there's a couple, like you said, Britt, there's a couple of ways. Like You could have interest on the deposit or you could simply just safeguard the deposit itself.

Do you know what I mean? Like you might find that a better way of going about it. Just being like, cool, well, I want to make sure that if we sell the place and things don't go well, I at least get my initial deposit back and everything else we split 50-50 because we've been contributing to the mortgage 50-50. Genuinely go and listen to the episode we did with Victoria Devine. We talked about prenups. We talked about protecting your financial wealth.

you and I don't want to go down too hard on you but you would be silly yeah to go into this relationship without having this conversation for fear of offending your partner because I know that we go into relationships with the best of intentions with them working out and being long term nobody goes into a having a baby with someone or potentially getting married thinking oh my gosh this is probably just going to end in divorce that's not how relationships work but unfortunately and statistically sometimes things don't go to plan and sometimes we do have to navigate what that looks like at the end and I think having the conversations early on make you very very prepared and make you both much more on the same page if something like that does go down and also like

you say you're feeling resentful you're feeling all these things already like a really honest conversation about it has to be had and if he has an adverse reaction then like that's a whole other issue to unpack? It's actually wild. I was just looking up some stats on divorce. I absolutely agree. It's like, we want to think the best, but we know so many relationships don't last and you just don't want to be in that position where you're, where they can take something from you. Totally. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 100%. It's kind of like the saying of everything in life. Isn't there a song? My saying is, I don't know, but you should Matt and I, we never had to have this conversation prior. So like Matt and I don't have a prenup and

we never discussed our finances when we got together really. And the reason for that is because we both were pretty much financially the same. Like we both came into our relationship with not a lot of savings. We were pretty, we were pretty similar. And so everything that we have in our life, we've built since being together. So even though we have not the same incomes, like like our incomes are not comparative financially we earn different amounts of money right but we've built that together and everything I see mutually as both of ours right it completely down the middle if we got separated I would only assume it's very very 50 50 but I think that that kind of makes sense when you've both come to a relationship with the same

financial situation but if you're coming to a relationship with a very different financial situation you have to protect yourself yeah it's just smart literally smart you haven't worked your ass off your whole life for it to be taken by someone else. Well, that's it from us, guys. And the next time you hear from me, we'll have the lowdown on what the hell is happening in the jungle. And maybe Matt will be back. And maybe you've been on safari.

Probably not, to be honest. I don't think there's any time for safari. No, there is. There is. If you're actually going, it is pretty cool. Where you will sleep, you literally walk down the stairs. Like, don't leave the girls unattended because I could get eaten by some kind of animal. It's wild.

Lola would like that. She's like, I'm back with my people, mum. I'm going out with the lions. You can walk down the stairs of the backyard area and there is a car and you're in safari. It's really cool. If you go, you're going to have an amazing time. Well, I'll see you all on the other side, my loves.

And if you've enjoyed the episode, go leave a review. Also, you can watch this all on YouTube. Play the questions. Ask your partner or your friends how they would respond to these questions. Get a prenup. It's always a good fun dinner party activity. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends

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