Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Can I Turn a Blind Eye to My Partner's Cheating?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Cammeraygal land. Before we get into the episode, we want to remind you all to go, stop, drop, whatever you're doing and go to the Australian Podcast Awards link. We're going to put it in the show notes and vote for Life Uncut in this year's Listener's Choice Award. It's so easy. Click the link that's in our Bioshow knows, type in Life Uncut for the podcast, then you just have to go and verify your vote in your email. So it's two steps, Life Uncut for vote. If the listener's choice, go to your email

Starting point is 00:00:38 and press yes, that was actually me that voted. That is it right there. But it would mean so much to us if you've ever listened to the podcast. If you love Life Uncut, we adore you as a community and we would so love for you to cast your votes. Have you noticed how oiled up Britt's knees are today fucking lubricated look at those thank you I actually was so offended last on I was so offended did you put tan on yes I did thank you I'm glowing thanks I put a tan on and then this morning I woke up and as I was Ben and I have our morning FaceTime chat and as I was leaving he was like you look great babe have a great day and I was like thank you he's like don't forget to moisturize those knees and so you went back inside lubricated your knees up and then left

Starting point is 00:01:18 I'm glad you should ask. Here's my knee moisturizer that I have on me. I'm so glad. I brought it to work because I was so self-conscious. What I take from this is that I make you a better person. You should thank me. No, you kick me while I'm down. Look at these fantastic knee improvements that you have though.

Starting point is 00:01:36 Thank you. hi guys and welcome back to another episode of life uncut i'm laura i'm britney and i have very moisturized knees well done thank you well done thanks i didn't realize that it caused you so much upset i really did i'm glad you equally noticed how moist my knees are like you noticed how dry they were the other day everyone welcome back to another ask uncut where we answer your deep your dark and your burning questions and i have a question for you guys both of you okay have you ever in later in life discovered that you have an allergy to something and if so how yes i have but my story is going to be so 0.001 i realized that i had an allergy to rats

Starting point is 00:02:31 as in like men no i wish i'm allergic to them also i wish no because you can develop allergies you can develop like sensitivities oh i know certain things like after prolonged exposure yeah and back in my past life which was over a decade ago i worked in a research lab and i ended up yeah developing an allergy to the rat and it was really bad because you're already gowned up and stuff like you're already covered but i just think that that's like revenge of the rats though because you're there trying to stick things in them and doing experiments on them and they're like, you know how we're going to really fuck her up?

Starting point is 00:03:06 Sinus problems. Fair, but they did get cocaine every day. You win some, you lose some, right? For them, it was a trade-off. No, I have developed two allergies later in life. I was one of those kids that went through, I didn't have anything wrong with me. Like I didn't need the braces.

Starting point is 00:03:22 I didn't have sinus problems. I didn't have like. You were just perfect. No, but I just scooted through. I'd say this because my sister got the short end of the stick right. Like she got everything. she had flat feet, she needed orthotics, she needed braces, she needed hearing aids, she lost her hearing.

Starting point is 00:03:34 So like she got everything and I didn't ever have an allergy or anything. And Brittany's nickname at school was Ski Jump Nose because she has such a perfect ski jump nose, which I wish was a joke but actually it's true. Yeah, but that wasn't a compliment. Ski jump noses weren't in when I was seven, Laura. Do you know how expensive rhinoplasty are? That's what everyone goes for.

Starting point is 00:03:53 Do you know and I'm going to sound like a wanker but it's a flex. I do like my nose. I think it's a great little nose and now I know that it is apparently a desirable nose and I say that because it when people call me ski jump nose Laura it was offensive they were bullying me they were like oh I could rather jump down your nose and I'm like whatever but people send me messages now I'm not kidding saying that they've screenshot my nose to take it to get as the reference to get a nose job so I'm so flattered I'm like really flattered I'm like people want my nose that's Incredible. And I know I sound like a wanker, but that's just what it is. Anyway.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Go off, queen. Thank you. Ski jump right off that. No, but I have super bad hay fever most of the year now, which I've never had in my life. This happened like the last two years. And I don't want to go into this allergy too much because I have a feeling it's your allergy. But this year I'm allergic to garlic. I cannot eat garlic. Guys, guys. Stop it. So I went to the pub the other night with the kids and Matt,

Starting point is 00:04:55 and my favourite food in the entire world is a pub chilli prawn pasta. Oh, yeah. Fucking love it. It's good. So the kids are running around. I ordered myself my chilli prawn pasta. I was walking around like watching the kids and eating it at the same time. Delicious.

Starting point is 00:05:08 Halfway through I was like, God, it's really got a bit of garlic to it, doesn't it? And I was like, hmm, it's very garlicky. Anyway, well, there were some other friends and I got about three-quarters his way through this pasta. And then I started talking to a girl who I know, not that well, mind you. And she was like, wow, that pasta must have a lot of garlic in it. I stunk so bad that it was coming out of my armpits. I was going to try and have sex with Matt that night. And he was like, Laura, you smell like garbage. The garlic perforated everything. And I am talking everything,

Starting point is 00:05:43 all my whole body, my poos. That's not an allergy. My poos for two days smelled like garlic. My farts smelt like garlic my underarms smelt like garlic my mouth smelt like garlic I also don't know how to break this to you you just smell because because you don't consume a food and it comes out your pores 30 seconds later like I'm sorry this happens with me in asparagus and 20% of people have the same enzyme deficiency and it makes your pee smell like asparagus so you have it for garlic yes so it's very similar it's an enzyme reaction but it is an intolerance so I went deep on the research and I have a friend who works in allergens and I was like dude something's not right like indigestion problems like it really went off I also went off sis and it was fucked

Starting point is 00:06:27 up and then I had this revelation where I was like because I wasn't drinking I was like back in the day I'd go to the pub I'd have my chili prawn pasta several glasses of wine and be fucked up and now I go out with my children I have a prawn pasta and it's the garlic and you cook This is aging. It's how you know you're old. How did I get here? Like, it's garlic. That's all.

Starting point is 00:06:48 Garlic? Has anyone seen that kid? There is a hilarious reel. This little boy, he must be like two years old, and he keeps saying, garlic, garlic. And the mum's like, what do you want? And he wanted, you know, minced garlic out of a jar. You know what?

Starting point is 00:07:07 We'll just put it in here. Garlic? This is what you want to eat. Garlic. You want garlic? Garlic. Do you want turkey? Garlic.

Starting point is 00:07:18 You want garlic? Garlic. Can I put it in a bowl? Garlic. I think our Instagram feeds are very different. Algorithms are quite unique. No, if I eat garlic now, I have been a garlic fiend my entire life. Cannot get enough of it.

Starting point is 00:07:37 Put it in everything. Cereal, garlic. like Weet-Bix, okay, exaggeration, but I eat it a lot. Now I can't eat it. If I eat it, it's like an IBS trigger. I am like I've swallowed a watermelon. Like my belly is huge, hard, and I fart like a boss. What do your armpits smell like?

Starting point is 00:07:55 They're not too bad, but it's what's coming out of me. Seasoned. Yeah. Oh, my God. Like now Ben will not put in any food. He's like, you cannot be trusted. Yeah. That's like the earthquake.

Starting point is 00:08:06 Is it the type of thing like BO where you can't really smell your own? No, no, it's not like that. I wish it was. I could smell everything. I could. It was so offensive even to myself. I was trying to get away from myself, but it's a real shame because usually it's Matt who instigates like the adult time in our house. Like he's the one, he's always up for it. And unfortunately I was the one that was up for it. And he was like, I would rather go and sit in the bathroom and masturbate than have sex with you right now. He's like, you stink so bad. You know, it's a low point when they're like, it's a no from me. That was two days straight, two nights, ruled out.

Starting point is 00:08:40 Yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to give you guys that update. No more garlic for Laura. Garlic? What are you going to do with your chili pasta? What are you going to do? You're in a new era. It's really upsetting.

Starting point is 00:08:50 It's like one of the small joys of my life that has been taken away from me. Maybe it's a specific species of garlic. Maybe you could try like garlic powder. You could try the minced one. Don't give up yet. It's like people who just accept gluten allergies and lactose allergies. I'm like that's the best things in life. unless try other things first unless you're a celiac and then i really highly highly recommend

Starting point is 00:09:11 that you don't take keisha's advice and you say yourself definitely avoid gluten because you could die from that so yeah if you were shitting yourself you stop eating laura would happily shit i would it's the stench it's how it affects everyone else if it was only affecting me i'd be okay all right well before we get into vibes and unsubscribes keisha you also had an update the other week we were talking about something that you stole from bunnings if you missed it an alleged store. I stole it from a hardware store that will not be named. Bunnings and also Mitre 10. Basically, you know how you go into a store and you get a sample pot of paint. Turns out you're supposed to pay for that sample pot of paint. And Keisha,

Starting point is 00:09:49 that was like a real revelation to her. And she has stolen many sample pots of paints over the years. Turns out I'm not the only one because firstly we got, I specifically to my own Instagram got about a hundred messages from people being like, so today was the day that I learned that also I am a thief and I should also be doing community service there were so many so so so many but the funniest thing was after I posted this we asked everyone like what's something that you've accidentally been doing that's illegal and the amount of people that have been stealing barbecue gas bottles is out of control which is so funny because there was this one girl in particular that so Laura's looking at us shocked but the gas bottles there's something called

Starting point is 00:10:32 swap and go so when you've when you've got a gas bottle and it's empty you go in and you swap it out so you leave yours get the new one which you pay for and then you leave but people people thought you just swapped it and went in the name they need to change the name that's on them swap and go is very misleading but someone also wrote to us and said that this is actually the opposite. This is someone being super generous. They tried to pay for the air that they put in their tire. They went to the petrol station, put air in their tire and then went inside to pay for it. Revelation, that's not that funny. You pay for air overseas. That's such a rip off. I just did this big Scottish road trip. You have to pay for air in your tire. Are they getting it from an

Starting point is 00:11:17 oxygen tank or are they just getting it from the air and they're charging people to funnel it into their tires? It's literally the same and there's lots of other countries that do it, but it's the same setup as you would here when you go and pull up. I actually think there are some places in Australia that you pay for air too, but it's the same setup where you just put the cord thing into your tire and then you pay for it. That seems ludicrous. Have you seen The Lorax? The Lorax is a kid's movie. It's also a kid's book. Brilliant, brilliant movie. If anyone's free this weekend, vibe and unsubscribe. The Lorax is a scene in there where the guy who runs the town starts charging for air. He's bottling air. That's what this reminds me of. It's like a dystopian

Starting point is 00:11:55 universe. But no, I've never once paid for air. Turns out I've never paid for a sample pot of paint. However, I have paid for my swap and go barbecue gas bottle. Guys, let's get in to our vibes and unsubscribes. Brittany, what is your vibe for the week or unsubscribe? It's the same thing that moisturized my knee this morning, people. Sit back. This is a little tiny tub from Summer Fridays that I've recently discovered. What it is, is actually a jet lag mask. So for anyone that's flying I mean they say jet lag but it's for a plane right like you know how you get so dehydrated on a plane I don't know if anyone else is like me but I was for a long time that person that would take like the big scary white face mask on and I was sitting in my seat next

Starting point is 00:12:38 to all these people planted on my face and keep it on for an hour or two so fine I have nothing against that when I see a chick who's done that I'm like she was prepared that's excellent yes I did it. There's nothing wrong with it. But now you can do it without having the big white scary face mask thing on. So this is literally just a cream that's really thick like a mask. But when you put it on, it doesn't look like it is. It just looks like you've got a really moisturized face. And I used it for the first time, my recent trip to Romania, and I absolutely loved it. It was very hydrating, very moisturizing. I just sporadically put it on, like topped it up through the plane because I was flying for like 30 hours.

Starting point is 00:13:15 It's also excellent if you have carpet burn on your knees. Great for carpet burn on your knees. It's called Summer Fridays. It's in like this bluey little tube and it is the jet lag mask. So that is my recommendation this week for anyone that might be flying. But you don't have to do long-haul flights. It's even if you've got like an hour or two. It's like that air con in a plane sucks you dry.

Starting point is 00:13:35 Keisha? My vibe for this week, it's an episode of the Huberman Lab with Esther Perel. Now, Esther Perel, she's been on Life Uncut before. she is a world-renowned psychotherapist. She's probably the guru of relationships and sex, right? She's the bee's knees. And I did find it quite hilarious and kind of ironic that Huberman did an episode with her on relationships because allegedly he had six going at the one time. I'm not sure if you saw those articles back in like, I think it was like June, July. There was a whole thing about Huberman. However, this episode, I really enjoyed that it was kind of a mix between

Starting point is 00:14:08 studies about relationships and science and neuroplasticity or synaptic plasticity and how that kind of changes brain connections and why that impacts our relationships as we age. To be fair, Huberman sounds like the perfect person to talk about relationships. He had so many of them on the go at once. But that's why it's so ballsy. Fancy having like cheating with six different people. Allegedly. No, it's not alleged. I mean, they've all come out and said the same thing. They've got proof. I don't think it's allegedly. I think it's just he did it. I don't think we have to he can't sue us now he did it he put his dick too many places but fancy fancy having the balls to do that and then go and get like a world-leading relationship

Starting point is 00:14:47 specialist on unless he's talking about infidelity like why do people cheat that would do speak about infidelity in this episode yeah so it's over two hours so it is a long one it's not going to be for everyone because Huberman I mean his way of delivering content is a little bit robotic he like he's a lecturer you know he's an academic and dry you've got to kind of be into that if you're into his content but yeah Esther if this this is I mean I've listened to a lot of Esther Perel I think we all have we've all consumed a lot of her things her books her podcasts this in particular I just felt like she she shone I feel as though she just shared so much knowledge and she had that perfect balance of well this is what the studies teach us about relationships and this is what people

Starting point is 00:15:27 have experienced in therapy she's been a therapist for gosh it must be like over 40 years now so yeah I really recommend it it is on YouTube or anywhere you get your podcast is called Huberman Lab Esther Perel how to find build and maintain healthy romantic relationships I love everything Esther Perel so I'm into that well let's link that but let's also link the episode that we did with Esther Perel we did a wonderful episode with her like that was such a for me it was a bit of like a highlight being a relationships based pod to sit down and talk to her was really cool so we'll link that one as well. I have a Netflix recommendation and it is called Into the Fire. You might have seen it. It is a documentary that is currently trending, but I honestly want to say it is one

Starting point is 00:16:05 of the best documentaries I have ever seen. It is truly fantastic. Fantastic, but also devastatingly sad. But the way in which the narrative of the documentary is constructed is so well thought out. The storytelling is brilliant and the story itself is just like, it's unbelievable that this could possibly happen. So to give you sort of like structurally, it's two episodes, very easy to watch in one evening, which I did. And the story is about a 14 year old girl who goes missing and what happens, and I won't tell you the full, you know, I don't want to give too much away, but basically she was adopted out when she was a newborn baby, nine months old, sorry. So not newborn, but nine months old. Her mother was very, very young. Biological mother was super young.

Starting point is 00:16:50 and that's why she adopted her out. Now her biological mother found out when her daughter should have been 24 that she had been missing for a decade and obviously her biological mother Kathy she really felt compelled to find out where the hell did her daughter go and so this is a documentary all around her and how she describes it going into the fire to find her daughter and to find out what happened to her and the documentary does have a resolution. I hate documentaries where it's unsolved especially in this instance because it surrounds such a young girl you do find out what's happened there is closure in it but it is horrifying and and fascinating and it's just brilliantly brilliantly put together everyone should go watch it into the fire on netflix

Starting point is 00:17:36 yeah that's it let's get into the questions question number one recently i found texts on my boyfriend of five years phone that appear to be organizing to have sex with a sex worker as well as messaging other girls to meet him out while he was working in another country. I don't know if this ever eventuated but the messages were there setting it up. We don't see each other much as I work in Australia and he works overseas for a lot of the year. He has a much higher sex drive than me and long distance slash not much sex doesn't bother me but it really bothers him. I haven't told my boyfriend I know this yet and I haven't told any friends or family. I know as soon as I tell anyone they will hate him and tell me the things

Starting point is 00:18:17 that I would tell anyone else to break up with him. The problem is I'm 30 next year. I want to have a baby in the next two years and I had my life pretty much sorted with him on paper. He has his faults, but he is my best friend. Oh, that's sad. The thing is he makes an enormous amount of money and I don't. In our future, I know my children will be looked after and they won't have to struggle. I know I won't have to struggle financially that is. I come from a family who doesn't have a lot of money and being with my boyfriend means I know I can take care of them better than if I were just single on my own. Right now, I don't know whether to confront my boyfriend because I know as soon as I say this out loud, I can't take it back and it will mean

Starting point is 00:18:56 that I have to break up with him as cheating is not something I want in a relationship. Is it morally wrong to just look the other way because of the benefits this relationship brings me, my family and my future family? I know this seems like a super obvious answer, but I know how hard life can be. Being with him means my life will in some ways be easier with him in it. Or if this will always be the back of my mind and ruin my happiness, even with the security it brings, help me please. I feel like I'm old. I have nothing to show for myself and I'm scared I'll never be a mother if we break up now. Such a sad question. I know how and what I want to say and the problem is, is that it does emulate what your friends are going to say to you and the

Starting point is 00:19:40 things that you would say to yourself if you spoke it out loud. And I want to tread carefully because you know, you've said the reason why you don't want to tell your friends is because you know that they're going to tell you that you should not be in this relationship. And it is what I want to tell you as well, because I just don't think that the benefits of financial security in a relationship outweigh the necessity of trust, respect and fidelity, if that's what's important to you. There are people in the world who can be in relationships that are open relationships where they, you know, they know that their partners are doing X, Y, Z, and they're okay with that. But this is a very different situation. You are not okay with it. You have said that you

Starting point is 00:20:23 know it will mean that you need to break up with him as cheating is not something that you want in your relationship. The reality is, is that whether you confront him about this or not, this type of behavior will continue to happen. And the only way that you can have a conversation about it that doesn't necessarily have to end in cheating but at least brings everything to the surface and gives you and him the opportunity to work through it is to tell him that you know there's so many parts to this that I want to break down yeah same the first part is I want to validate your feelings of your financial insecurity and your issues around that because that is a really huge issue the cost of living is so expensive and it's really hard to make ends meet and on top of that if you want to

Starting point is 00:21:04 have kids and you're not with a partner and you want to do it on your own that's another expense at the end of the day you cannot deny that it's more expensive to be single when you get into a relationship everything the stresses and the pressures and your financial stresses everything halves right all of a sudden you're paying rent in a house on your own someone moves in you have it you have the groceries you have the bills so if you're struggling a little bit you have someone to rely on like it is definitely has a comfort and a security what you need to decide is what you want more because like Laura said if you're okay with having that family life and kids and financial security knowing your partner's off doing that that's totally fine as long as you

Starting point is 00:21:47 are happy with that relationship there's no right or wrong but you've said you're not and you've said you feel old. You said you're old and you worry it's not going to happen to you. I want to stop you in your tracks right there. You are not even 30 yet. You are 29 years old. And I don't want to keep bringing this back to me, but I just want people to realize that it is not old and age is literally a number. Of course, that is not accurate when we're talking about your biological clock. But I only met my partner at 35. I only froze my first eggs at 33. I met Matt at 31. and you're 29 and I know I remember feeling you always feel at that age like you are older and time is running out but you're not and it really distresses me that you think you need to settle

Starting point is 00:22:31 down with someone that has this these morals that don't align with yours because you think you're running out of time because you're you're absolutely not there is so much time Laura and I went on The Bachelor at 30 years old like we started that chapter of our life older than you are now? I think, look, there's, like we said, there's so many parts of this. And firstly, the cheating part, obviously we need to go deep on that. But I think that more so than going deep on that, there's a self-esteem part to this. You are allowing your boundaries that you have in place to erode. And what happens when you don't stick to your boundaries, your boundary being that the two of you agreed to fidelity in your relationship, you go, okay, I'm going to turn a

Starting point is 00:23:12 blind eye to this because I'm so scared that he's going to leave me because I don't think I can get better than him because I think he is the best person I'm ever going to date. Then the next time that he does something that has, you know, is against what your boundaries are, it's a little bit worse, but you're already there. You already forgave one thing. So your boundaries continue to erode. And what we know is, is that as your boundaries erode, so does your self-esteem. And so does what you think you are valued at and what you can give in a relationship and what you can receive back. And as that happens, you will continuously put yourself second, third, fourth, fifth down the priority list. My fear for you here is, is the imbalance in this relationship

Starting point is 00:23:51 that you are creating allowances simply because he has a lot more money than what you do. And I guess for me, like you said, Britt, it really is a huge conversation for yourself as to whether you can be okay with it. You have said you're not okay. And I think most people wouldn't be. There may be some people who are able to turn a blind eye and physically be okay. But I would say that that relationship is probably not based on love. It's based on a financial beneficial situation. And that's not what your relationship is. You're not with him for his money. And if you are with him for his money, then that's a totally different relationship. So I think a conversation has to be had. I don't think you should be turning blind eyes to massive, massive fractures and to things

Starting point is 00:24:33 that people do that really compromise the trust and respect that you have for each other. There'll be people that don't agree with this but I truly believe not all cheating is equal there are so many different categories of cheating this kind of cheating this isn't the kind of cheating where it's like I found out my partner made a mistake he went out he was on a box he got drunk he's sorry he's never done it before this year also isn't just premeditated like he's having it with one person he's booking sex workers he is organizing sex and hookups with other random people like there's a lot of premeditation here and a lot of commitment and he's also going as far as to pay for it I think that's different to slipping up one night and being really apologetic about it so

Starting point is 00:25:17 you're also still in your early days you haven't had your kids and settled down long term yet so if this is what he's setting up for your future and this is the foundation he's saying like I'm already okay with this it won't get better it will get worse when you were together for 10-15 years when you have kids and kids I don't have kids as we all know but I know that kids are not the band-aid kids are not going to fix a problem kids are going to add so much more stress and pressure chances are it could very well drive him further away if he's if he's not already connected to you in that way I think the best thing for you to do here and it's really fucking hard is to accept that this is the person that is in front of you yeah you can have that conversation and see

Starting point is 00:25:58 how he deals with it, but you know, he's doing it. I don't think you will be able to live with that long-term. Even if you say you're okay with it now, it will wear you down. It's so, look, I mean, I second guess even the way that we've answered this question, because I think if you took away the financial aspects, I know how we would answer it. I know the response we would have, and it would be a lot more cutting and it would be a lot more pointed. I think the reason why we're trying to be so gentle is because it's obviously something that's so hard for you. And you are literally saying, I will put myself second. I will put myself second if this relationship will continue to financially benefit me in some way. I don't think for your own

Starting point is 00:26:40 sense of self that you can continue in this relationship, regardless of the fact that he is your best friend, regardless of the fact that financially you're going to have to, you know, figure out. But the reality is, is that sometimes life takes big pivots and things are not the path that we thought it was going to be for us. And the reality is, is that sometimes it's better. You will meet someone else. You will be in a new relationship. You'll be with someone where there's not an imbalance of power, where there's not an inequality, where you're not staying with them simply because they financially have money and they're cheating on you. Like, think about that. That is so fucked that you're like, I'm going to stay in this relationship. It's okay

Starting point is 00:27:17 that he cheats on me because he takes care of me financially. I also want to say, I think it is a very bad idea to not speak to any of your family and friends about this because family and friends as much as sometimes they might be a little bit brutal they're also very very good at holding up a mirror to the values that we want in our life and to the things that we want so do not isolate yourself from your family and friends for fear of the things that they will say talk to the people who you trust talk to the people who know him and who know you because they are the people who will give you the most honest feedback. And I think that with that feedback, it will give you the confidence to figure out, okay, what are my next steps? The reason I'm being gentle about it and,

Starting point is 00:28:00 and I am being gentle about it. Do I think you should stay in that relationship? No, but I'm being gentle because I understand this isn't just a, Hey, my boyfriend's cheating. I don't want to be alone. Which should I stay? That's different. But you are not only putting yourself first, but your whole concern is around your extended family. So obviously he's making enough that you are helping them. So I understand you thinking walking away isn't just you. You think walking away could affect your parents in a way or your siblings or whoever it is that you are helping financially. That is unfortunately a lot of extra stress that you are taking on yourself. And I know a lot of people do take that stress on. So I totally get it, but you will meet

Starting point is 00:28:39 somebody else and you will create another life with somebody and you will be able to have kids with somebody. I don't want to say you will be able to, but the opportunity is going to be there. A lot of us get stuck in, you know, we speak about it all the time, the sunk cost fallacy of we've put five years in and I'm already 30 and I don't want to waste the last five years. I don't want to start again having to meet somebody. And that is also a dangerous place to be because you are not wasting that time. And I really want everyone to get their head around this.

Starting point is 00:29:06 It took me a long time to get my head around it. You're not wasting that five years if you leave and start again. You've had an amazing five years with somebody. He was your best friend. You've created memories together. You've learned from him. you know what you do and don't want one of those things that you now know you don't want is a partner that cheats on you you want somebody that is committed to you you will find that but you may

Starting point is 00:29:27 also not leave this relationship having a conversation with him about it and telling him you know and holding a mirror up to his behavior doesn't mean that you are taking the very first step and being like fuck off i'm out of here like it doesn't mean that you're leaving right away but it means that there are consequences for his actions and that he knows you know and so maybe who knows maybe that might kick him into gear it really does but it might like she's not going to leave straight away like she just isn't I would guarantee that if you spoke to your family and said I am in a relationship with a man who cheats on me because it financially benefits all of us your mom your dad your siblings whoever is financially benefiting from this

Starting point is 00:30:07 situation would be horrified. Well, we don't know that. I think they would be. I think, well, you can say we don't know that, but I think there would be very few parents who would encourage someone to stay in a relationship of infidelity because they felt the pressures too financially. I don't know. I would, I mean, my advice would differ. I wouldn't be telling my family right now because that's just too much external pressure. Everyone, every single person in your life that you tell, I can guarantee you will say, get the fuck out of there. And that's probably not what you need right now because you already know that i think you need to go in a bit more gently and get there on your own everyone there's no one that you were going to tell that's going to be like oh

Starting point is 00:30:42 what a catch like stay you know so it's it's real but i wouldn't you do need to talk to someone definitely don't isolate yourself but i personally you know the second you tell all your friends and family that that's all they're going to be talking about why are you still with him have you had the conversation when you're leaving fuck him off he doesn't deserve you i don't i'm not convinced you need that pressure right now but whether you speak to somebody that is an acquaintance like friendly but not like that's who I used to download on not my closest people maybe it's a therapist like maybe it's professional help but you shouldn't be keeping this to yourself and I love that you've told us we feel so grateful for that but we're not there with you in the day-to-day. I think

Starting point is 00:31:19 I mean I would love to know Bri like what are your opinions on relationships that are based purely on financial gain in terms of like I'm going to be in this relationship with this person I love them but I'm going to turn a blind eye to behaviors that absolutely are so compromising to what I want in my life but I financially benefit from this so I'm going to stay it's not for me but I have nothing wrong with it if it suits that couple like I'm not going to yuck anyone's yum if there's a relationship that's happy to make compromises they still live happily together I mean it makes you think there's loads of really unattractive very very very wealthy men who get fucking hot as models and it makes you question what their personality would she date him if he

Starting point is 00:32:01 was poor probably not but that's what I mean finances play so much more of a role in relationships than we either a want to admit and want to be truthful about which is why she's told us and not her friends because we're not going to judge her and we're not in her day-to-day life we're in her face but finances are a huge thing you cannot deny that even if it's not your most important thing. I can guarantee you there's not one person listening right now that hasn't thought about money today, even if you've got money. There's so many things that this is not a guaranteed for. And the other thing that it's not a guaranteed for is if you have a baby with this guy, if you start a family with somebody who is consciously cheating on you, what's that life

Starting point is 00:32:44 going to look like when that kid's three or four or five? Are you going to continue to turn a blind eye to this for the rest of your life? You okay with that? Or are you going to raise children in an environment where their parents have such a disdain for each other because one of them is cheating all the time. But there's also the fact of like, you know, you're going to have to be doing constant STI check. How frequently is he with them? Like you've got to look after your sexual health then.

Starting point is 00:33:05 You've got to be hyper aware. If he wants to come home and have unprotected sex with you, you have to have the conversation. You don't have to break up with him. We're not saying that. What we are saying is have that convo and then you decide. Question number two, I've recently got engaged and we have already started talking about when and where as these are the biggest questions we

Starting point is 00:33:24 have to answer. We would like to have it maybe this time next year to allow people interstate and internationally to sort their lives out and come. Brittany, did you write this question in? Now the big question is where? My family is all east of Australia. Literally, this is you. And we live in Western Australia. That's not you. My fiance's immediate family is here in Western Australia as well. Our friends are in WA. I have family that are elderly and wouldn't be able to travel however we have both brought up the subject with my fiance's parents and mother-in-law and it didn't have a very good reaction which I knew would happen how do I say that I don't know how long my elderly family members will be with us and I want them at my wedding as they mean so

Starting point is 00:34:03 much to me how do I approach this topic and not seem like I'm being a bridezilla making us have our wedding east or do we just elope and have two parties one in the east and one in the west So is she saying that most of the family are on one side but the oldies are on the other so she wants the majority to travel for them? Is that what she's saying? What she's saying is that her whole family is on the east. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:24 His whole family is in WA and they live in WA and they've also got a big friendship group that's in WA. So it makes slightly more sense to have in WA but she wants it east. But she wants it east because it would mean that her grandparents absolutely couldn't be there for her if it was in WA. Just have it in the east. I think you can just have it in the east. it's your wedding it also picking the location doesn't make you a bridezilla it'd be different

Starting point is 00:34:47 i would say you're a bridezilla if you're like none of my family can afford to travel they're all dying so i'm going to italy that's different but it's like it that's a bit more like i would be like but at the end of the day it's only the other side of australia and it sounds like there's almost equal amounts of people that would have to travel either way so you're just suiting the people that are really important to you at the end of the day the people that are important to You obviously include your grandparents. You want them there. If they are not there, you will regret that for the rest of your life.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Totally. And let me say this. It is wild the amount of people that will come to your wedding who you in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years will lose touch with. Like it's actually wild. Funnily enough, like our wedding video, I mean like awkward, but like it's got Mitch and Hayden in it. So Mitch being our co-host on the pickup, Hayden's his ex-boyfriend.

Starting point is 00:35:39 haven't seen Hayden since they broke up. Never saw him before. Literally never saw him before. So now I've got someone who I'm never going to see again in my wedding video. Also, the other person in my wedding video is Matt's ex-girlfriend who I never see. So I've got two people in my wedding video who I have not seen since my wedding. The thing I want to reiterate about this, the reason why I'm bringing this up is simply because it is more important to have someone like your grandparents who you are not going to see much, who you don't get to see very often. I would do anything to have had my grandfather at my wedding to have him walk me down the aisle I would give anything for him to be there it's not a bridezilla review to make that decision

Starting point is 00:36:15 and also if your mother-in-law father-in-law are going to react badly to it just get your fiance to say hey mum you know Sarah it's really important to her that her grandparents are there they can't travel because they're a bit old and so we're going to have it in the east You just made me realise that, like, at my wedding. Nana Hockley? No, at my wedding, I'm not going to know anyone and Ben's not going to know anyone. We don't know each other's families.

Starting point is 00:36:39 I'm going to be like, who are all these people? And he's going to be like, who are all your, like, we're going to be, a lot of us, like, extended friends and families, we've never met. His best friend, his groomsman, I quote unquote know because we FaceTime. I don't know him. Your wedding would be the best wedding to wedding crash because you'd have no fucking idea if the person was at either.

Starting point is 00:36:58 Is he supposed to be there or not? Guys, it's in Bali sometime next year. Come, crash the wedding. Brittany's going to be like, that's probably Ben's cousin. Has she got no idea? Why have they got a big camera in my face? No, but one thing that I can relate to is, and I am grappling with it a little bit at the moment

Starting point is 00:37:14 because it's like new news to me, but I only have one grandparent left, my nana, and if you're a listener, you'll know that a couple of weeks ago I went to Port Macquarie to my hometown and out of nowhere she pulled all the rings off her hand and she goes, take these in case I die. and I was like, whoa, Nana, like you're not going to die. Settle it down. But then, you know, she was going to come to the wedding overseas

Starting point is 00:37:36 and I sometimes forget how old she is because she hasn't aged to me. You know, she's still the same Nana as 20 years ago. But at the end of the day, she's in her late 80s and a couple of weeks ago she's like, I don't think I'm going to be able to come. It makes me really sad. Am I going to cry? And I'm like, of course you can come.

Starting point is 00:37:53 And she's like, no, I don't think I can. Like I'm old. And she's like, I don't think I can travel that far. And, you know, she had a fall and broke all these bones not that long ago. And she's like, I'm in pain a lot of the time. And then I just think I have to accept now that she can't come. And there was a part of me that was like, do I cancel my whole wedding? Like, but I can't.

Starting point is 00:38:11 But I think I'll have to have a little mini one here. But I feel what you feel when you say that, like, they're important to you. So I think you make that decision. Absolutely. And your fiance should 100% understand. Yeah, I agree. I don't think that this is not the benchmark of what makes people bride-zillas, that's for sure. No, 100% not.

Starting point is 00:38:30 And it's not like you're having people have destination weddings like we said. Britt's gone to Bali. Like you have destination weddings all over. Or am I? Maybe it's in Italy. Maybe I've been trying to throw you off the scent. But I think, you know, Western Australia to Sydney, like, yeah, it's a bit of a ball lake, but it's not that bad. It's a nice holiday.

Starting point is 00:38:45 It's not Europe. People will come. Don't worry about it. And also, it's a good way to weed people out and keep your numbers down because maybe they won't. And that's fine. Maybe your mother-in-law will decide it's too far. Sounds like a good option. Dude, weddings are hard.

Starting point is 00:38:56 Fuck it, elope. Elope with your nan. Yeah, but her to you first. In the East. Okay, question number three. Now, this one was in the Facebook group. If you're not a member, La Funker discussion group is where all the fun shit goes down. It really does.

Starting point is 00:39:13 This was in the discussion group and it was really popping off and people asked if we could talk about it on the podcast. So here we are. Pop off. It was popping off. I'm going to tell you. It's also to do with cheating. So there's, you know.

Starting point is 00:39:24 It's the flavor of the month. Unfortunately, it's just something that so many people go through, right? It's the flavor of life. I'm in a tough situation and need some advice. I overheard my partner talking about a night out where one of his coworkers cheated on his partner, who was home with their six-month-old baby. Dickhead. I feel awful for the woman and want to tell her, but I don't know her partner or her very well,

Starting point is 00:39:48 and my partner would be furious if he knew I was eavesdropping. On top of that, if I say something, it could put my partner in a difficult position since the cheater is connected to management. I can't shake the feeling that I need to do something, but I'm worried about the consequences for everyone involved. What should I do? We did get some additional information on this. So the woman's partner who was having the conversation,

Starting point is 00:40:11 he works in FIFO and he was very disturbed about this news when he heard that the co-worker said he was cheating. Yeah, so he wasn't like high-fiving him and like, good on you, bro, like get that pussy. sorry is that how guys talk that's how I picture them talking Jono is that how do you talk do you call your friends and be like did you get pussy in my head that's men I also pictured her up against the wall like with a glass like eavesdropping like trying to hear the information this is tough but not tough every part of me is like yes like girl's code

Starting point is 00:40:44 girl's code tell her but the truth of it is I probably wouldn't you don't know them I know it sucks, but you don't know them. And it could directly, if it's your partner's boss, it could directly affect his work. Like it's a pretty big thing. It'll be different if it was one of your best friends or a close friend, but if you literally don't know either of them, you overheard one half of a conversation, not the other half. It's a pretty big thing to go and explode someone's life. Yeah, I agree. And look, even if you did choose to say something, you are not the one doing the exploding but some people may feel differently to this but I do not believe that it is our job to hold up the moral compass for other people's in their lives in their relationships

Starting point is 00:41:26 especially people who we do not know if it's someone who you are very close with if it's someone who it directly affects you and you feel as though you cannot live with yourself that's a different situation but I think in this instance it is going to bring so much drama into your life And even though the best thing and the right thing might be to give the woman the information, the problem is, is because you don't know her, you also aren't there to do the aftercare. You're not there to ensure that she's okay. So you're dropping an absolute bomb in their life with the information that you found out, but you're not able to actually be there to see the damage or to tend to what that does

Starting point is 00:42:03 for that person. We don't know what state she's in. We don't know anything about her. I just don't think I would be inviting this sort of drama toxicity the way in which it's going to affect your relationship with your husband the way in which it could affect him at work into my life I think that the risks for you far outweigh your responsibility in this situation I would not be able to not talk to my partner about it oh yeah you have to talk to I would be like Sozzie I overheard him I was under the bed at the time of the conversation I heard about

Starting point is 00:42:33 the pussy uh no I would I would have to say that I could not keep it to myself and go about my day and I think like if he's your partner he's not going to kick off that you accidentally overheard a conversation unless it was in a really private place where you had to like sneak there like if it's in the men's change room at the gym like don't own up to that shit take that to the grave I'd ask him about it because you do only have one side of the story he might have hung up the phone call and be on the phone to someone else. You don't even know, like there are so many variables here. You haven't seen any proof. You've heard one side and you don't know them. So curiosity would get me and I would want to know more. The other thing is, is look, I mean, I know it comes

Starting point is 00:43:16 with all good intention, but actually play this out in your head, right? If I received a message from someone who I have never heard from in my entire effing life and they said, hey, my husband works with your partner I overheard him saying that he cheated on you like hope you're okay or whatever it is XO and then I sat down with Matt and I said hey Matt I've received this message from some person who I don't know and they've accused you of cheating on me and then Matt turns around and says Laura I would never I have no idea what they're talking about she's crazy why is she trying to ruin our relationship I love you I would of course believe my husband because that puts a red flag in my brain it would put a red flag in my brain but like a question

Starting point is 00:43:58 mark 100 but it wouldn't be enough for me to leave him it wouldn't be enough all it would do would be it would create so much distress but actually not enough distress for me to actually leave my husband do you know what i mean so it's like you're not there to give enough of the information or enough of the aftercare that i actually just think it's super damaging without having like a good resolution to the problem and without actually allowing that person to have all the bits of information that they need I don't know I just think it causes way more problems than it needs to I agree it also like put some questions in my head about how many times we do get questions and this is just a curiosity thing like Laura and producer Keisha I don't know you

Starting point is 00:44:35 guys can chime in on this are there things that happen that you feel like you can't talk or ask your partner because sometimes when I get these questions it really takes me by surprise because There's nothing that I wouldn't feel like I could talk to or ask Ben. I think everyone's relationship is very different. I think there's lots of people who have more privacy within their relationships or more ambiguity around things like finances or friendship groups. I think that there's no rules and every relationship is pretty different. No, of course.

Starting point is 00:45:08 But I'm just asking how you guys, like if this was you and you had accidentally overheard this conversation, I know we joke about the men's locker room and stuff. It's obviously just you've walked past a door or something, but would you feel like you could approach them about this and say, look, sorry, but I overheard. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I would too, but I think that we get different variations of this and it's usually where the person who needs to go to their partner

Starting point is 00:45:29 and talk about something has done something wrong, you know, even if it's like 1% in comparison. It's like when people go through their partner's phone and they find out that they've been cheating on them and they're like, oh, but I feel bad about going through their phone, you know, because technically that's wrong too. totally so i think it depends on how wrong the thing that you did is versus what you found out and also we don't know how when you say eavesdropping she might have gone through his

Starting point is 00:45:53 phone do you know what i mean like it could have been a computer like joint ipad whatever it was like a 45 minute conversation so you can't be like i just walked past in her because you could have stopped recorded it and she's gonna do it like a podcast she's got like a cup of tea at the door she's like really sitting there settling in yeah i mean i get the feeling that it probably was some situation where she's seen messages or something do you know i mean like i don't know because like if it was just overheard in passing like no i think she overheard it yeah but the eavesdropping part is just so weird like how were you eavesdropping why like did your partner have often have conversations with colleagues that you're not allowed to hear like that's weird in

Starting point is 00:46:26 of itself no maybe he was just on the phone and he had it on speaker or something but then that's not eavesdropping if someone it is if you lurk if you stop intentionally just to intentionally stop and listen like if he was on the dunny and he was taking a call and then you stopped you walked past and you heard so you fucked her I would stop too I'd be like oh tell me more yeah but you would also just say hey I was walking past and I heard that that's not eavesdropping that is like you know there is more intent here that we don't have the backstory for is what I'm saying eavesdropping and just accidentally hearing something like how were you eavesdropping and I agree with what Keisha said it depends on what you've done wrong as to whether you feel comfortable

Starting point is 00:47:04 or not explaining that that's how you came across that information. Yes. So my advice is maybe lie about that. Gaslight him. Maybe turn down the volume on how you found out. And however you did, if you did actually just hear it by walking past, you're pretty in the clear to just bring it up. If you found out through other means, maybe you'll have to be a little

Starting point is 00:47:26 more creative with how you go about bringing it up. But even so, I don't know if you need to bring it up. I don't know if you need to. I want to know for me. I want to know I want to know the story I want to know 100% I'm so for the gossip I think in this situation I would want to know because I would want to get my partner's take on it you know she already said that he was kind of disturbed by the information so exactly like you said at the start if I found out that this had happened and I overheard a conversation I

Starting point is 00:47:54 would want to talk to my partner about it and be like hey do you feel the same about you know cheating when you have a six month old baby at home like we need to get clear on where your values are I've had this conversation with Ben I had actually think I had overheard it too but it wasn't like I was in the same room right and I had overheard that somebody that he knew his friend basically a teammate a couple of years ago had cheated and I wanted more information because I wanted to know what he thought about that I'm like do all your teammates do that do all your friends do that have you ever done that how do you feel about that do you think it's okay that they do that and he was absolutely gave me the answer that I wanted and it wasn't an answer I wanted

Starting point is 00:48:32 it was the truth he's like fuck no it's terrible I would like he's like I don't encourage it if anyone ever talks about it in a locker room or a training or whatever he's like I don't even contribute but you know cheating is out there it happens but that's why I would want to be having the conversation yeah and I think in her particular situation because he does do FIFO I just feel like there's this thing about FIFO where what happens on site stays on site you know there's a real like bros culture around FIFO workers and I know a lot of them myself and I'm not saying that they're all like that but I think yeah I want to be careful with that because there's a lot of people who listen to this podcast who have husbands or partners who are FIFO workers and whose partners

Starting point is 00:49:10 are fucking great and so like I don't like the idea that people can be branded just in the same way there's loads of professional sports athletes yeah there's lots of celebrities like I just want to be careful because I don't want to exactly I've just kind of realized that the way I said that could be really hurtful to people who either have partners or are themselves FIFO workers. I'm not implying that you're all the same. What I mean by that is that when you spend time in those environments, you're spending like 12 to 14 hour shifts with these people. You're spending a lot of time around them. And I, as a partner, would want to know what the culture of those environments was like. That's why I would want to have a conversation about it. Not because I would

Starting point is 00:49:45 be accusing my partner of being exactly the same as this person who's cheated on their partner. Yeah, and it's obviously jobs where you work away, not just FIFO, but you're periods away, doctors, pilots, whatever, like people that work overseas in business, it doesn't matter. Obviously it presents you with opportunities to cheat, doesn't make you a cheater. Like you have more of an opportunity to cheat if you're in London for four weeks than you are if you are living at home on a nine-to-five.

Starting point is 00:50:10 That doesn't mean you're a cheater. Just as many people cheat that are married and live with their partner. Like we do want to 100% say that. Well, look, that is it from us, guys. If you have a question for Ask Uncut, slide on into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast on Instagram. You can come and watch our episodes on YouTube. We have a YouTube channel as well if you want to see us all in the flesh.

Starting point is 00:50:30 What we do want to say about the YouTube channel is, A, brilliant, go watch it, but B, there's a lot of you that are watching it. Like we can see this data. A lot of you are watching it but you haven't hit the subscribe button yet. So make sure if you've seen an episode you like or even if you haven't yet, go hit subscribe settle on in get a cup of tea put it on the tv when you're at home cooking dinner or something you can listen and discuss the ass gun cuts in the background with your partner like it's such a cool little space to have anyway that is it from us guys also don't forget to vote for

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Can I Turn a Blind Eye to My Partner's Cheating?

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