Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Can you expect monogamy if you no longer want sex with your partner?

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Hey Lifers! There's a lot going on today: ringworm, TV free lives, and pre peacocking. Big question for ya, if you are in a long term relationship and you stop wanting to have sex (for any reasons), can you/should you 'allow' your partner to fulfil their sexual desires somewhere else? There are so many factors that come into play with this question, and we unpack the grey areas. Vibes for the week:Laura:  Errr not having a TVBritt: Cruel Summer on Prime videoKeeshia: Only murders in the building on Disney+ Then we jump into your questions: Should I feel guilty about having a sex dream about one of my boyfriend’s single friends? This is maybe the second time I’ve ever had a sex dream and I woke up very horny.  My partner and I have been together for 8 years. Within the next few months he is going to receive a portion of his inheritance from the sale of the family business. It is a huge amount (8 figures). He sat me down last night and explained to me that (his exact words) he did not trust me with his money and he wants me to sign a prenup/binding financial agreement before he receives it. I'm really hurt by the way he has raised this issue. Am I right to feel upset or am I overreacting? I separated from my husband of 12 years about 2 years ago, it was a defence family so I spent a lot of my marriage alone looking after our 2 young kids whilst he was away and feeling very alone, unsupported and unimportant compared to his work. I became very depressed. I have recently started dating someone & he is a widow. His girlfriend passed away 3 years ago with cancer. He has had flings but nothing more since. Now after we spend time together he feels guilty and depressed because of his grief. I understand this is very normal. My question is… do I persist or will I be 2nd to something else again? This sounds wrong but I suffered years of never feeling like I was the priority.  GET TICKETS TO OUR LIVE SHOW HERE  Listen to Lotte Bowser and our episode on Grief here If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollamutta land. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. And disaster has struck.

What's happened? That took a dark, ominous turn, didn't it, to start the podcast. We are about to go on holidays. The podcast is still happening. We're just taking a one-week break. So one Tuesday, one Thursday. And this is like weeks away. We're early warning you.

It's a couple of weeks away. But I'm heading overseas in one week's time. And I woke up. Before you say this, before you say what's on your face. So when you say you're going away in a week's time, Britt's going back overseas in a week to be with Ben. Like she's going to Scotland. This means that the peacocking has just begun again.

Well, no, the peacocking hasn't started, but I've booked it all in. Yeah, okay. It's happening over the next week. The preparation for the preparation has definitely started. Yeah, I've got my lashes booked, got my brows booked. I'm definitely going to have to wax downstairs because it's like a wild Amazon jungle. I almost waxed it for you yesterday.

Oh, my God. Laura and I were hanging out. Britt was in a bikini, and when we say hanging out, she was hanging out. All of her pubic hair was hanging out, and I was like, I'll just pull the stray one for you, and then I realised I crossed a friendship barrier. that I shouldn't have crossed.

I literally was standing there and I said to Laura, look how wild – I pointed it out. I was like, look how wild this is because, like, between visits with Ben, I just don't really care. I just let it go crazy. And Laura's like, I'll pick it for you. Goes down to pluck a raw pubic hair. I was like, what are you doing?

I was like, I know my friends. Get your head. Your head was in my crotch and you were trying to pull it out. It was just one rogue hair. To be fair, it was very well maintained. It was just a couple of long, very long straggly bits. And I was like, I can get them for you. I feel like it was like us.

it was like my pubic hair was reflecting us which is like long stride no like organized chaos like it's a bit wild but it's still tamed wild like i feel like that's what we are if you were going to try and do mine we'd be down there for about five hours oh okay before i tell you what was on my face because this is a perfect segue i had this really big dilemma when i was doing the egg freezing last week i need to do laser right i did laser years ago but now i wax everyone at home that waxes knows you have to time it so like if you're because wax won't work if it's too short right so you can't shave it and then start to let it grow if you know you need to wax in a week because it won't grow back long enough to wax because you've got to have enough length to grip

you've got to have enough length so I have been trying to time the wax for before I go to see Ben but then the egg freezing was last week and it wasn't enough time to wax it and grow it back to wax it it was awkward timing so I had this really big dilemma on like is it okay to go and get my eggs frozen with all these people's head in my crotch with a wild bush yes absolutely nobody not one single doctor cares well I trimmed it down I did I gave a little gave it a buzz cut short back and side well I don't know how I've spoken about my pubic hair for this long no so I woke up in all my face and I'm I'm not a doctor I'm pretty sure I could have a ringworm just like this tiny now before anyone says anything a ringworm isn't a worm it's a fungal

infection so much better tiny little it is for sure I'd rather a fungal infection that it's like tinny up but on your face there's this tiny little dot on my face it's not even a five cent it's like two mil by two mil but I can see it's red it's dry it's in a ring and I'm like I feel like this is the start of a ringworm I googled ringworm anyway I went and got some antifungal cream and it was like if this is a ringworm you know google doc I mean yeah google doctor if this is ringworm it can spread quite rapidly and I was like great I'm gonna go to see Ben in a week with My whole entire face covered in a ringworm. It's also super contagious.

You know, you've got athlete's foot on your cheek right now. Cute. Love that for you. Ben goes, what's on your face? And I was like, it's a fungus. Let's not talk about it. Reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Seinfeld started dating some chick and she opened up his medicine cabinet and he had fungal creams in there

but they were for his cat. And she was like, I can't date you anymore. But really it was her. But now it's on your face. Okay. I once had ringworm. Did you? Where was yours?

I had it on my neck. for way for it came up really quickly and it came up red and it came up like a like a ready purple color right and like dry and scaly well it just came up super quickly and it came up as like one bump to start with anyway i went to the doctor and the doctor was like you've got a spider bite and he prescribed me like an anti-inflammatory for this spider bite anyway random diagnosis he's like seen it before that's a spider bite and i was like wow i got bitten in my sleep how anyway this went on for like a couple of weeks i went back and i went back like two weeks because it had just gotten bigger and I'd been using this like anti-inflammatory that he'd given me for this

spider bite and I walked in he was like no that's definitely ringworm by then it was like this big on my neck a perfect ring so it increased in size by like 10 times yeah a perfect ring of ringworm look people that don't know what it is are gonna think this is really gross you can't even see it on my face but I mean Brittany looks hideous she's never looked uglier it's taking over her entire face she's literally just a giant worm sitting there flopping around oh my god did you Did you see the live worm that got pulled out of the Australian woman's brain, the first case ever? Yeah, it was disgusting.

It was like an eight centimetre parasitic worm floating around in some woman's brain from New South Wales. How does that get in there? It's obviously gone up into like the bloodstream and travelled up the bloodstream and travelled to the brain. I like that you saw the headline of the article but didn't read the article. No, I didn't read it. Because it said in it how it happened.

They reckon she ate – it was like a parasite that was carried by pythons and she ate – A python? No, no, no. She ate something that had been contaminated by the parasite. So she ingested it and then it hatched within her, basically in her testines. And then it went through the bloodstream and then it traveled up to her brain. And then she'd had this eight centimeter parasitic worm floating around her brain. And she was having all these cognitive issues. And it was a neurosurgeon had to go in and pull a worm off her brain.

That is insanity. Yeah. This is why you shouldn't play with snakes, guys. Who knows? I'm sure she's traumatized. I'm fucking traumatized. And I only read the article. I have a big question for you, before we get into answering all of your Ask Uncut questions, this was something that came up between Matt and I yesterday. Now, this is, please do not think that this is indicative of where our relationship is at. Oh, here we go. Okay. Can you, if you're in a long-term relationship, if you've been with your partner, let's say 10 years, 15 years, you've got a family together, you've built, you know, you've built your life together. You love the life that you've

built with your partner, but you no longer are sexually attracted to them and you no longer have desire. Maybe it's not even just the fact that you don't have desire for them. Maybe just time has taken hold and you no longer have the libido in your body. It has exited the building. So you no longer want to have sex. You've made that decision and maybe sex has been like dwindling over the years and then it's gone like six months and then it's gone a year. Can you stop your partner from having sex or expect monogamy from your partner if you're no longer willing to have sex with them because you no longer desire them i saw this go off on your instagram and i was like oh her dms are gonna be blowing up that's controversial and i'm sure that they were i

don't know what your oh yeah do you want to give us your or actually let's answer first before we get the poll i put a poll i did some very scientific hardcore research going back to the og life uncut root days where we would do a poll after poll we love poll now we love them it's been a while since we've done a poll this is probably going to be controversial and I imagine I'm going to explain it a little bit I am going to expand I think it is okay for your partner to find what they need sexually elsewhere if you have said we're going to be married for the next 40 or 50 years but I'm done with sex like I love you so much but sex for me not on the table I don't think you can expect your partner to stay monogamous if sex for them is important and it's something

that they need in the relationship. If both parties come to the table and they say, yeah, I'm cool with that. Sex doesn't mean that much to me anyway. Like we fulfill each other in other ways, then that's fine. But if it's super important to one person and you've said flat out, it's not happening, you need to have a bigger conversation about how you can meet halfway. Does that mean your partner runs out and has affairs and has sex left, right and center? Absolutely not. That's not what it means. And I think to start with, sex is a really important part of a relationship. It's not the most important part in a relationship by any means well it depends on the relationship right for some people it might be but then again if that is the most important thing your relationship the

relationship is not going to last anyway that's what I think I think if that is what you're basing your relationship on purely then I don't think it has the foundations to be a long-term loving relationship if you have the respect and intimacy in other ways so you're getting emotional intimacy you're getting spiritual intimacy you're having physical connection outside of the sex that's enough for a lot of people and that can satiate that need for the sexual encounters and sexual experience for many people but if that part of your relationship is gone as well so not only you're not having sex but you're not kissing you're not cuddling you're not communicating there's no physical touch then like it's I hate to say it's almost certain but if your partner's

not getting one aspect of that they are going to look elsewhere at some point whether it's in a year or five years as humans we need to have that form of connection but I think for me yes there has to be a conversation if I went to my partner and said I don't want to have sex with you anymore in my life but I love you I'd be having a conversation about how if it's important to him how he could do that so maybe that's a whole pass once a year maybe whatever it's going to be in your relationship but I think it's pretty crazy to expect for the next 40 years that you don't give that intimacy to your partner nobody has to give that intimacy to their partner like it's always a choice doesn't matter how long you've been married and I want to make that clear

you can be married forever it's still a choice you still consent in a relationship but it has to be a bigger conversation I think that hey look there's many many ways in which this story and this question would be influenced by different factors right so like for example maybe you no longer have desire because there's been a medical reason, right? Maybe you suffer from vaginismus. Maybe you've had a stroke. I don't know. There's a million different things from a medical, maybe you've got mental health problems. There is a million different medical reasons as to why you may no longer feel desire and may no longer want to have sex in your relationship. Does that then change, I guess, the expectation around monogamy? Yes. I think that there can be influencing

factors, but I think I'm going to try and like attack this question purely as though like desire is gone like that one person no longer wants to have sex it's not high on their priority that was how my answer was based yes and i think that that's probably the only way i think the question is too broad to try and attack it from every single variation because obviously the many grays of this mean that for some people it's going to be a yes and for some people it's going to be a no okay when i was talking to matt about this he was so point blank he was like if i was in him he is in a long-term relationship he's like if you turned around one day and said i no longer want to have sex with you anymore ever again but i love you and i want to be with you and i love our

life together and you know you're my best friend blah blah blah he's like I would feel so undesired he's like but also sex is important to me so it would be a conversation around well I'm not going to not have sex for the rest of my life just because you don't want to have sex so there has to be like if you've ruled that off the table for you that's okay but then where does that leave me in what I'm allowed to do in my life and I what would his answer be his answer to the question was I'm never going to cheat on you I'm never going to do something behind your back but I would expect that you would be understanding enough that it's important to me that you would allow me to still have sexual experiences in my life if you have decided that that's something

that you don't want. And I think that's fair. I was like, yeah, look, I get it. I don't want to control your ability to still have pleasure and feel desired and everything else. But I don't think that that like my opinion and your opinion was not the norm. So I put out the poll on Life on cart. Well, hang on. You haven't given us your opinion. Oh, I would struggle. Okay. Here's my opinion. That was his. My opinion would be if I was the one who turned around and said, I don't want you to have sex with anybody else. I would want them to be monogamous purely because I think my jealousy and my ego would get in the way. But I think it's an unfair expectation if it comes from my own lack of desire. And like, obviously I want to reiterate, nobody should ever have sex

if they don't want to. And if there is no desire and you've done what you can to try and get it back. And for whatever reason, it doesn't exist. And you don't want to try sort of reigniting that because maybe you are just not sexually attracted to your partner anymore. That's okay. But I think for me, I would feel too much jealousy. And that I guess would be like a bigger problem and a bigger thing to unpack, right? You can't set rules and then expect everybody else in the relationship to abide by them just because we have this very one dimensional view of monogamy. so Matt let's just take this seriously for a second you have said you've lost desire but you love him you want to stay together he has said it's so important to me I'm gonna need it in

some capacity so what can we do what are you gonna let him do you can't I know you say you don't want to let him cheat but there must be a would it be a once a year hall pass because there's no I think that it's important no I think for me oh well I mean realistically I don't think I could ever let our relationship get to a point where there is no desire left because for me that would signify the end of our relationship do you mean I think that our it would be a decaying for us and for how our relationship dynamic works I think it would make him feel unloved it would make him feel invalidated that there would be bigger issues in our relationship that we would have to deal with I know a lot of couples know because I think most people in relationships get

to a point where sex is really infrequent that's super normal as you get older and you've been with someone a long time but is that mutual or is it one-sided well sometimes it's mutual sometimes as one-sided but it's far more common than not to not be having frequent sex and having occasional sex but that doesn't mean that those couples don't have the desire so I know that you said you wouldn't let the desire decrease but you can still have desire with no sex and that's the point you can still have that intimate connection sex is a different level of intimacy but there are a lot of couples that are obsessed with each other and love each other and have a really great spiritual and emotional connection but they don't have the sex so it's the different part it's when

the person takes it one step further and says even though we still have the desire i don't have the desire to have the physical sex with you that's when it becomes the problem maybe it's more of an issue if it's like i'm not attracted to you but could still have sex with other people maybe that's where it's like the real feelings of rejection come from i'd be devoed like i'd be dev dog i'd be devoid if i had said to ben like i don't want to have sex with you which is never gonna happen he's such a fucking dreamboat he's so hot if um i sorry as soon as i i just got a mental image of him in my head you guys have only been dated six months like wait until you've got a couple of kids and nine months okay ten months okay fuck yeah ten months totally of

course we're long distance and we're new like i'm in the honeymoon stays i'm sure there's one day that's gonna subside you wait until you've got a couple of kids and the man just won't pick up his undies and he's farting in bed all night oh yeah no there's no farting you know my farting rule no but if I had said to him I don't have sex anymore and he said he wants to find it elsewhere I'd be shattered but I reckon I'd allow it in a capacity of like like I said before it's never behind anyone's back it's agreed upon the boundaries are set within a relationship you know when when a couple starts to talk about being in an open relationship when they haven't been before when they want to explore different options from complete monogamy to anything

outside of monogamy you have a conversation and you both agree upon it that's where it's super super important yeah and I think that the question that I posed it's pretty black and white it was pretty point blank in terms of like it doesn't allow for the nuance of the many reasons as to why somebody might stop wanting to have sex with their partner within a relationship we're only focusing on desire and attraction right and how sometimes that can wane in a relationship and how all the other reasons why you still want to be with someone might still exist I don't reckon Ben and let me sleep with anyone else yeah but I also does that then come down to a controlling or come down to an ego thing where we had this very one-dimensional idea of what monogamy is.

And I think for a lot of us, you know, I would say the majority of people, their concept of monogamy is like you choose one person, you stay with them regardless of anything else, you know, and maybe that is a flawed concept of monogamy that we've all been sold throughout our lives. You know how as women we sit there and like, I've seen so many funny memes about that. We'll sit there and we'll blurt out the weirdest, strangest question to our partner pretty much how this came up well so it's only a couple of nights ago I said to Ben we're on the FaceTime and I said out of nowhere I said Jackie you'll never want to have sex with someone else he was like what and I was like would you think that like you're ever going to want to have

sex with someone else and he's like that's the dumbest question I've ever heard and I was like it's actually not that dumb and straight away he was like no I don't think I ever will so I feel like I'm going to actually ask him this like I'll ask him tonight this exact question and see what he says I'll report back well I posed this question to you guys on Instagram now thousands of people have replied to this. So I would say that this is a pretty good litmus. And I phrased the question as though it just came down to desire. So if you no longer want to have sex in your long-term relationship, but want to stay with your partner, should you expect them to remain monogamous? Now, 57% of you said, yes, you should expect that they would remain monogamous, even though you do

not want to have sex with them and will not have sex with them. And 43% said, absolutely not. Like monogamy shouldn't be implied if one person no longer finds the other person physically desirable and I think it's a really interesting thing to unpack because like obviously it comes down to how important sex is in your relationship and for a lot of us it is very important and maybe this is a hypothetical question that you'll never ever ever have to deal with in your relationship but it is one of those things where desire wanes at different times and I wonder if you do ever get to a point in life where it doesn't exist anymore for you I wonder if some people experience that where the desire is so low down on their priority that they just don't experience it anymore yeah

and there are highs and lows in terms of the sexual chemistry and sexual desire how frequently you have sex and that is not what we're talking about that is not the excuse to be like oh my wife's had a child and she doesn't feel like having sex for the next six months that's not a reason to be like fuck you you're not having sex with me because you're tired sleep deprived stressed had a baby you've been ripped open your hormones are crazy like that's not a reason to then go and be like no i'm gonna find it elsewhere we're talking about long term i'm done for life like i just want to cruise through like a flatmate that makes out sometimes we're talking about that more extreme level i think that that is so important to outline because like yes there will absolutely

be people who are listening to this who have gone two years maybe or even three years if you're in a super long-term relationship even longer than that where they have had less intimacy and then they've managed to revive it but I guess it's that long-term understanding of wanting to get back to a place where you have intimacy with your partner but anyway something else that's interesting is this expectation around sex if one person is expecting monogamy 100% doesn't matter what the parameters surrounding that is it then okay for the other person to expect sex and we know the answer for that is no we know that one partner in a relationship can't just expect sex because you're in a relationship like that doesn't give you constant consent it doesn't give you constant

access it's an interesting like flip on the head thought if well why is it all right to expect one thing why is it all right to expect you not to have sex but it's not all right to expect you to have sex elsewhere that was confusing but yeah i get it you know it's this expectation one expects monogamy and one expects sex i just think we have very very black and white lines around what constitutes monogamy and i think that like black and white rules do not work in relationships and I think that unless you're faced with this sort of situation, the only way out of it is communication, right? It's like, obviously you'd have to talk through what are the different variables and do you open up your relationship? How do you ignite desire in different ways? Are

there other things that you can do? But I do think that if you blanket no longer want to be intimate with your partner at all, which I'm sure doesn't happen often, it is a rare thing, but you still want to be with them. We can't control our partners and expect monogamy from them. All right, well, let's get into our vibe and unsubscribe. mate i'm vibing not having a tv i have not had a tv now for a month and we keep saying we're gonna buy one we moved house recently as you guys know and we did not take our tv with us sometimes we would lean on tv as a way to just get through you know dinner time put the tv on and they're concentrating on the tv you can shove a few more extra mouthfuls in anyway we moved we

didn't buy a tv and then the days have gone by the weeks have gone by and we don't have one and it has been magical like every night I get home and instead of putting tv on I put music like kids music so it's horrible for us but great for them I put some sort of like awful kids music on and the kids are loving it they're dancing around the house and then I've used that as a way to distract them to feed them and kind of get through the nighttime routine and we haven't relied on any screen time and I still it's amazing ipading and stuff no ipads no tv they have not been on the iPads or TV for a month the only time they've had iPads is if Marley has found it and then she'll find the iPad and she'll go and hide under my bed because she knows that like yeah

she's she's old enough to kind of know how the world works now no look it's not going to be forever we will get a new TV but I have so very much vibed how much I think my kids became quite dependent on it in terms of their routines and that has been broken now and they don't ask for TV. They don't ask for ABC kids. It has really reframed their nighttime routine and it's been amazing. That's a random vibe. But the reason why I'm vibing that is because like, I haven't watched anything for a month. I don't know what's happening in the world. Okay. My vibe is a TV show. It's a new series that is on prime and it is called actually, it's not even fucking new. It's new to me because I've never seen it before. It's called Cruel Summer. Every time I vibe a TV

series which is it's not loads but it's because if I am hooked from the first 10 minutes and I don't want to pick up my phone throughout a tv series I know it's good because how many times you want to watch something and you don't give it your full attention you're cooking or you're on your phone this one for me I'm just watching it the only time I look away is because I'm scared because it's like a thriller and there are some moments where I'm like I can't watch this what platform is it on prime okay so cruel summer to me just makes me think of I know what you did last summer so let me tell you what it is such a 90s name it's set back in the 90s so it fluctuates between two points in time and to summarize it briefly because it's quite in depth it's two

girls I say girls because I think they're about 17 ish and one big traumatic event happens and the two girls have different stories that are pretty much blaming the other person now this is a disastrous outcome so whoever's right it's going to be disastrous and it flashes between life before the event to life after the event and they're two polar opposite lives that are happening and at the end of the day because they're both contradicting each other one of them's a fucking sociopath but you don't know which one like one of them's telling the truth and one of them's telling a lie and you cannot work it out the acting's great the plot's great I'm on the edge of my seat and I really I messaged my sister last night and Ben I was like you need

to watch this new series because it's so rare that like a really good thriller comes through where you're like immediately hooked so that's Cruel Summer on Prime you guys know I've never let you down with my recommendations so I think you're gonna love it so if you do watch it report back let me know what you think interesting that actually does sound very it's really you'd like yeah yeah it sounds great I look I was going to recommend a sleep spray that I've started using but I have been banned from talking about sleep anymore and also Toblerone the reckons he had an allergic reaction to it the other day so I might need to investigate a bit further my vibe for the week is also a tv show and it is one of those ones that is not to be taken seriously it is such a

background tv show that I am just it's just so sugary and silly it's the season three of only murders in the building so this is the show that's got it's got Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez they live in this one building and there's a murder that takes place in the building and so they start a podcast trying to solve this murder because they're all obsessed with true crime anyway they kind of get individually involved they become these friends and then this is now the season three it was released like two weeks ago and season three cast I've just started it's got Meryl Streep in it it's got Paul Rudd the man who never ages it's just one of those shows that it's like it's not to be taken seriously because it's quite a silly concept it's not believable

at all it's not one of these ones that's gonna have you on the edge of your seat but it's just so enjoyable to watch what platform is it on disney plus it's funny that you say that that's background for you and silly because i i've watched them all and i love them yeah it's like not back it's of course it's silly but it's not background i've really enjoyed it i love steve martin and selena gomez was impressively good i think she's not impressively good surprisingly good as someone who's mainly 80 of the time is a singer i thought she was really great i love that my vibe was no TV and then you guys have all the TV. All right, let's get into our Ask Uncut questions. All right. Question number one. Now, Brie, you had some feelings about this when I

brought this up and I think this is a great question. You didn't. Should I feel guilty about having a sex dream about one of my boyfriend's single friends? This is maybe the second time. I like that she's like, this is maybe. This is maybe. The 28th time. Look, This is the second time I've had a dream about him and I've woken up from it very horny. Should she feel guilty? Okay, controversially, and I know this because we all had the discussion, no, you don't feel guilty.

It's a dream. It's your subconscious. The craziest things slip into your dream from your real life and sometimes from your imaginary life. I reckon it's because you want to fuck him. No, I disagree completely. a hundred percent i have had so many dreams where i've woken up and i've been like ew why did i dream that it's because it's uncontrollable it's your subconscious doing whatever the hell it wants

to do taking aspects of your life so like if this is your boyfriend's friend he's in your life you see him you might see him all the time if they're best friends they could be flat whatever like he's a big part of your life you go to sleep you're fucking unconscious like you're unconscious you do not have to wake up and feel guilty similarly it doesn't mean you want to cheat similarly when people say that they wake up and they've dreamt that their partner's cheating they're angry at their partner i think that's dumb and i think you're starting fights in a relationship that don't exist so i i'm the wrong person to talk and i know laura because you'll fight all the time if matt cheats on you when you sleep oh yeah matt if matt dream sucks i'll be mad

at real life so dumb yeah just a little bit just a little bit mad just like not really mad like i'm not gonna pick a fight with him but i'll be like you cheated on me last night in my dream and dream matt sucks and so real matt needs to he needs to suffer a little bit today one time you said you didn't speak for like half a day because matt dreamt about someone else yeah because i felt yucky and i and i was like angry at him because he'd fuck someone else in my dream so i like it's not an intentional punishment but i punish him a little bit without him so in my eyes i'm like so silly okay but what if you wake up from the dream where you've had sex with your boyfriend's best friend and you're horny from it that's different you say you've had dreams where you

wake up and you're like ew yuck i can't believe i dreamed that but you've woken up and you're like yeah and now you're dreaming all the time about having sex with your boyfriend's best friend it's It's also not different. Sex dreams make you horny. Like that's the whole point of sex. Sex makes you horny. Sex dreams make you horny. It doesn't mean anything.

If you wake up and you're thinking about fucking your boyfriend's best friend all day, it's a problem. But if you just wake up once and you're like, oh, my God, I had a hot dream last night. That's different. What if – well, no, it's twice. It's happened twice now. We can't just say once. Let's not – what if she does wake up and the dream is so hot that then for the day she's thinking about fucking her boyfriend's best friend? Problem.

if you're thinking about it consciously all day when you're in a relationship about sleeping with your partner's friend it's a hundred percent a problem but if you're just asking me if you should feel bad about a dream then the answer's like a flat out no okay but what if you've only started thinking about it because the dream was so hot so now you fantasize about having sex with your boyfriend's best friend but you only are having those fantasies because the two times that you've had the dreams the dreams were so steamy the reason doesn't matter it's still a problem it doesn't matter how you got there does it the fact is that you're getting there yeah but it's by accident because you had a dream and dreams don't matter but sometimes they do not

problem if you if you want to fuck in real life problem if it's just a dream not a problem for me this is like black and white okay I've had definitely had sex dreams before and then woken up and being like do I have a crush on that person now and do you no of course I'm married I don't have a crush on anyone but this is like I'm talking about throughout the years like if a dream is that good I can wake up the next day and be like maybe I like that person if I can influence my real life person can be influenced by my real my real life me can be influenced by dream me we know you have fights with Matt over dreams all the time yes but I think that other people experience the same thing like or I'm like oh you start to see that person a different light because you literally saw them

nude in your dream and it was sexy if I were having sex in my dream with one of Ben's friends or like teammates or something I also wouldn't be telling him that was the next question I wouldn't roll over and be like well I fucked Bobby last night my dream it was pretty hot like number 22 you wouldn't be doing that so you have to keep it a secret but then are you deceiving your partner because you're having sex dreams oh my god the layers I don't think there's that many layers I think there's layers for people like you but for people like us it's not an onion it's just pretty pancake-y no layers would you want to know if Ben had a sex dream about me would you want to know about it would you want to know what if he did do whatever whatever happened would you want

him to tell you would you want him to wake up and be like hey brit i just want to let you know i had a really hot steamy sex dream about laura last night you know what i actually don't think i'd care because that would be hysterical to me it would be worse if it was like someone that he stood a chance with it'd be easier if it was you because i know it's like would never happen it'd be worse if it was like someone else in our life that was super hot and it's available that would be worse but you're it would never happen it would never happen so i think it's okay so that would be all right if it was you or keisha if he was sleeping with one of you or if it was a threesome in his dream i reckon he could tell me and i'd laugh i'd feel violated if you woke up if ben

woke up one day and was like hey i had a threesome of brit keisha and you i'd be like no i would like to press charges hey he would never dream it b he would never tell me if he did dream it and told me i would never tell you i would never be like ben slept we had it we had a threesome with ben jesus that would be a foursome if we were all there as well i can't count i forgot that ben was included i just thought it was the three of us what if matt yeah ben wasn't even there it's just us what if matt woke up and had had sex with me i wouldn't want to know you want to know i'd prefer to not know what how would you would you be angry at me if he slept with me in his dream i'm angry at everyone about dreams i'd be angry at him i'd be angry at you you'd be like

I'm breaking up with you Brittany. Yep Brittany we can't podcast anymore because you fucked Matt in his dream and that was really dog act. It was really dog act for it. All right I'm going to question number two. Oh this one's spicy. My partner and I have been together for eight years within the next few months he is going to receive a portion of his inheritance from the sale of the family business. Now this is a huge amount I'm talking eight figures so we're talking 10 million plus he sat me down last night and explained to me in his exact words that he did not trust me with his money and he wants me to sign a prenup binding financial agreement before he receives it i'm really hurt by the way he has raised this issue am i right to feel upset or am i overreacting

prenups are such a polarizing conversation i never signed a prenup with matt because we both Because you have no money. No, because we came into the relationship kind of the same. Like we had the same amount of debt when we came together. And so I was like, me cuss a debt, your cuss a debt. And I guess like whatever we built together is just mutually ours together. So there's no need for a prenup. The shitty part about this is, is that he says he doesn't trust her,

but he's been with her for eight years before the money has come. So she's not with him for the money. This isn't a big thing, right? Because I read this originally and I'm like, oh, you know, I would never expect anything from my partner if their family has earned money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We don't have kids together. There's no liabilities. There's no reason why I'm not able to continue to earn money myself. I wouldn't expect that of my partner. But eight years in a relationship is a really, really long time to have your partner turn around and tell you

that they don't trust you. And it's 10 million dollars. Well, don't 10 at a minimum. Like that's the smallest. Like fucking give her it. Give her 10%. It could be 50 million. We don't know. She's just said eight figures. So if my partner came to me after eight years and said, I don't trust you and that's why you need to sign a prenup. There's bigger issues. Yeah. Like there is, I mean, I would be sitting down for some very, very serious conversations around where are we going? What is our long-term plan? Like, are we going to spend our lives together? Are we going to get married? Do you

see us having children? Because I think like a prenup is all fine for the situation that you're currently in, but it doesn't allow for what the future of your relationship holds. What does that look like if you then have kids together? Is he going to just, like that money cannot be touched and he's allowed to live this, you know, this financially free life while you're struggling with kids if you get separated? Like, I don't think that a blanket pre-nut works in this environment. And I think that there needs to be a bigger conversation around, well, what does it look like in the future as your lives together continue to grow? Usually there's a percentage conversation that comes into play. So like maybe it's to protect the majority of the money, but he

understands that you've invested eight years of your life into this relationship and you're building something together. So maybe there is a percentage that you are entitled to and what does that look like? But I would be having a lot more conversations rather than just being put a piece of paper in front of me and told you need to sign this and that's it, point blank. Yeah, there's definitely bigger issues to say like, yo, I don't trust you after eight years. And obviously you're not married or I'm assuming sorry you're not married yet I'm assuming that that's on the way and before that happens they want the prenup I haven't been in this position so I can't talk from experience but I have feelings about how I would expect it to go I've always assumed that

when you go into a relationship what each person had before in my eyes should be theirs what you build together I think is something and I guess what you come into together is something that you do together now i guess it's different because it's a 10 million plus lump sum of money like this is a big amount of money it's not something that you guys earned together but it's something that was given to the relationship also interesting because it's not something he earned either it's something his parents are like it's not actually it's not like he's maybe if he was a part of the family business but he has by the sounds of things he's just being given a fucking lump sum of money it's not like he won lotto you can't win lotto and be like

i'm keeping this all do you know actually there's a case at the moment in the i think i believe it's you can i was reading about it not long ago a couple were getting divorced right as she knew that they were getting divorced very soon she knew the final papers would be signed in like two weeks or something and she won lotto only 10 days before a huge sum of money so she's like fuck we're divorcing in seven days i'm not giving this guy my lotto money so she didn't tell anyone she won it she didn't declare it years went past and he discovered that she won the money and he went back to claim half of it because they were technically married and he gets it. She actually ended up with almost nothing because she had to pay legal fees and she had

to pay the half and she had to pay compensation. And you have to pay the tax as well. Exactly. So she had to give him so much money. So when you are in this de facto married relationship, this does come into play. But what I mean is, so for example, for me, I have a house that I have had before I met Ben. If Ben and I were to get married, I would expect that that is my house. and if we split up he doesn't take half of that and if he has a house or a property or an investment that was completely done before he met me I wouldn't touch it but when we come together and anything we do together moving forward I think is a split with this large sum of money there has to be like a fucking you cannot your partner of eight years say that I don't trust

you don't get a dollar maybe it's not a 50 50 split like you said maybe it's a percentage 10 i will put 20 30 whatever it is we'll put into the our family fund and the rest is his i think that that is reasonable because it's his family's money but i'd be questioning the relationship if my partner after eight years was like i don't trust you you're not getting a cent sign your life away i'd be like fuck you buddy this is such a tricky one and i know that there's going to be so many people listening to this who don't agree there's going to be people who are like i would never make my partner sign a prenup it's the warning signs and red flags that they're not invested in the relationship, then there's going to be people who are way more analytical, who are

way more facts driven. Loads of relationships don't work out. It's a protection mechanism and she isn't entitled to it. I think the big thing is here because you don't have dependents, you don't have children. And if your capacity and ability to earn money yourself is not being in any way affected by the relationship, for example, he doesn't expect you to not work in order to take care of the house and take care of him I think that then there's a power imbalance that's when it's unfair that there's an expectation of signing a prenup but there is part of me that's like well why shouldn't he protect the thing that he has and that is his that has come from his parents when the two of you are not married when maybe yes you've been together for eight years but just

because you've been together for eight years it doesn't mean that he has signed up to being in that relationship for forever and that's why and that's why I think you need to have some much bigger conversations around where is your relationship heading? Because he could be wasting your time. He may not see a long-term relationship with you. He may think, oh, like, I love her, but I don't know if I'm going to be with her forever. And I say this because I was in a relationship with someone for six years who would say to me, I'm not sure if we're going to be together forever. And he would say to me things like, if you got pregnant, you should have an abortion. Like, even though he was with me, he was not invested in our future.

and I don't think that eight years necessarily indicates someone's level of investment so yes but I also don't think a marriage certificate also indicates someone's level of investment necessarily either no and I'm not saying that the marriage certificate they're obviously still de facto that's what it is right it doesn't matter if you're living together and you've been with someone for x amount of time a marriage certificate or de facto is seen as the same thing in the eyes of the government especially within Australia I don't know what it's like overseas but what I'm more talking about is the sense of security that comes from when your partner and when you feel like your partner is investing in your relationship. And when he says, I don't trust you, I want you to

sign a prenup, to me that rings alarm bells that he is not necessarily in this long term. And so I think having more conversations around where he sees your relationship heading, whether he sees the same things that you see long term to make sure that you guys are actually on an alignment before you do sign anything? Money is the root of cause of all evil. Like money causes so many problems. It really does. And money changes people, as you can see.

And it causes a power imbalance. I'm not against prenups. And I think a lot of people hear the word prenup and they get their guard up and they always think it's a negative thing. I don't think it's a negative thing. I've listened to so many financial experts that say it doesn't have to be a negative thing.

The reason people have a prenup is usually there's a big discrepancy in salaries, in money, in income, in assets, in everything. that's the whole point right if people go into a relationship 50 50 there's generally no need for a prenup because when you split you split 50 50 totally so having said that the problems i have with prenups is when the person with the power imbalance with the excessive amount of money doesn't provide for you in that prenup it's one thing to say this is our prenup you don't touch a thing and there's another thing to say this is the prenup i'm going to protect the majority of

my assets that i've had before you but i'm definitely going to make sure you're okay if that ever happens that's different so I think those prenups are okay if you're in a long-term relationship kids or no kids they're always going to be sacrifices and I think you should be looking after each other to a capacity so I think prenups don't have to be the end of the world it's only if they completely cut one person out I mean imagine if they're only though hear me out imagine if they're only together for one more year after this and then she's able to take 30% or 20% or 10% like I think he needs to get real clear do you want to be in a long-term relationship with this person. It's not so much on her. I think he needs to make some very big life decisions.

And if he doesn't trust her, if he doesn't think that this is a long-term relationship, he needs to leave with his $10 million. So he doesn't have to part with it. I think that there just needs to be long-term contracts within that prenup. Like what changes when you do get married? What changes if you do have children? What changes if you've been in that relationship for 20 years? I think that right now you're looking at it at day one even though you've been together for eight years you're looking at that sum of money from day one but I do think that contractually that prenup has to change the longer that you stay together and if you're together for the next 50 years then in 50 years time I don't think that you can turn around him and be like you're not

entitled to a single cent of this money if I'm to drop dead or if I want to leave the relationship that's where I think the prenup has to have incremental changes throughout the course of the relationship as most of them do to answer the question are you right to feel upset absolutely because the way he approached it wasn't right are you overreacting that's dependent on the other parts of the situation that only you two know the only the other aspects of the relationship it's definitely a conversation tell him why you're upset it's not necessarily about the money but it's about how he's made you feel by saying that he hasn't made you feel secure he hasn't made you feel like it's going anywhere and the most important part of a relationship is trust he has

made you feel like there's no trust in the relationship. Okay. Well, let's get into question number three. So I separated from my husband of 12 years, about two years ago. We were a defense family. So I spent a lot of time on my own alone, looking after our two young kids. I felt very alone, unsupported and unimportant compared to his work. I became severely depressed in that relationship. Now over the last little bit, I have started dating and I've had lots of casual fun. that I met a guy who I really like and I feel incredibly happy with him. The catch is he is a widow. His girlfriend passed away three years ago now from cancer. He has had flings in the past, but nothing more serious. And our relationship is starting to become that. Now that we are spending

more and more time together, he says that he's starting to feel guilty because of his grief. I understand that this can be a normal thing, but my question is, do I persist or will I be second to something else again. This sounds so wrong, but I suffered for years, never feeling like I was a priority. Now I wasn't a priority for my first husband, but I wonder, will my new partner ever be able to really put me first? How long is a piece of string? That's impossible for us to answer because grief is different for everybody. And at the end of the day, his ex-partner is always going to be there. She's always going to live in his mind and in his life. That doesn't mean he can't or won't make you feel loved and wanted and prioritize you, but she's always going

to be around. We did an episode recently with Lottie about grief. She lost her partner. That was a few weeks ago we did that episode. And that gave me a different insight into grief that you can eventually move on, but your partner will always be there. Grief isn't linear. He may not be ready to move on even though he wants to. It's a conversation you need to have. And I think it's is about honesty I really like you and I want this to go somewhere and I see you in my life do you feel ready to do that do you feel ready to let me in or are you still dealing with what you're dealing with I think that this is a really interesting question and obviously neither Britt or myself or Keisha have been in this situation so we can only speak for how we may feel and also

from the conversations we have with Lottie Bowser like please go and listen to that episode because it was a really beautiful episode about someone she lost her fiance and she is now in a new relationship and she's spoken so much about grief and she also talked to us off mic a little bit about that new relationship and the trials and tribulations that she faced in the beginning of dating and you know her partner not necessarily feeling like not that he wasn't a priority but dealing with the fact that there's also a secondary love that's never going to go away you know you can have love for this new person but you are still always going to love that person who passed away. I think it's unhealthy for you to compare feeling rejection from someone who is alive

to feeling like you are not valued by someone who is no longer living. And I mean that as in, it's not that you're never going to live up to the expectation. I think that we can have very, like feelings and love can be multi-layered. You can have multiple feelings at once. You can feel grief and loss for one person and at the same time, love someone new. There are so many people who have gone on to love again after being widowed. And they have a different relationship. I think it is unhealthy for you to try and compare or to examine too closely what he had with his ex versus what he has with you because you're comparing something that you at the moment cannot live up to because you've only just started dating. You're in those early moments

of getting to know each other. That's an incomparable two different types of experiences that you're trying to compare or to see value in. I don't think that you should just park it because of the fear of coming second. I think that that might limit you from having some incredibly beautiful and incredible times with this person. But I do think that it requires you to have more empathy for the fact that he's also going through his own healing journey. And I guess it's trying to figure out whether you have the emotional bandwidth to be able to be sensitive and empathetic to somebody who is still experiencing grief. Because I think it takes someone a special kind of person to be able to love someone through that. And I guess like the

big thing for me is I would say if it causes you or you get to a point where you do feel so undervalued that it does bring up insecurities in you, then maybe it isn't the right relationship for you. But I don't think it's healthy to compare to someone who is not living and to a relationship that they used to have. I don't think this is about comparison. I agree with what you said, but this isn't about comparison. This is about he has said he feels guilty. He says, I feel guilty being with someone else when my partner died three years ago, which means he might still need to do some work. And you said, you know, will he ever be able to return the feeling that I have for him without feeling guilty again? How long is a piece of string? This is something that none of us can

fathom and something that's happened to him and no one can imagine what he's been through and what he's feeling now. But I think it is. I mean, I think that that's a very, very normal thing. I think there'd be very few people who start dating after losing someone who don't have moments where they feel guilty I don't think that that means that he necessarily hasn't moved on I think it's just that there's always going to be some feelings of I miss my partner who's not living you know I just I do think it comes down to priorities because the question that she posed at the end was this sounds wrong but I suffered years of never feeling like I was a priority and now I have feelings for someone more so than I think I had one for my husband but really will he ever be

able to return that without feeling guilty yeah so that's unfortunately there's nothing you can do other than make him understand your position that you obviously understand as much as you can and you're patient and you have feelings for him and you love him or whatever it is but the relationship is right now unfortunately not dependent on you there's only so much you can do it's dependent on him is he actually ready to move on and can he work away into his life to have you and not have that eat him up as well so that it's just going to be some work on him and you can only do so much when someone's been through something so traumatic they physically and mentally need to have the capacity to let you in and there might be a chance that he doesn't there might be a chance he does

and he'll always feel this but it's only a conversation he's going to be able to advise you on because he's got to be the one that lives with this and he's going to be the one that lets you in at the same time. Take it really slow. This is two people who have gone through their own trauma coming together and maybe it is not a good pairing, but I don't think it is just him to deal with. I think you're saying that you are worried about being a secondary priority. You already felt like a secondary priority in your ex-relationship. Maybe someone who's never been in that position before could be in a relationship with him and not have as many insecurities that you have. Do you know what I mean? Like you're coming to it with your own kettle of insecurities

and it's this kind of like two separate traumas coming together. It may be too much for the two of you, but I think you are the one more so than waiting for him to be able to let you in. You're the one who has to decide whether this inflames your insecurity so much that you don't have the ability to be empathetic and to wait for the relationship to mature and see how things progress. I kind of think. And you always need to understand and have this thought in the back of your head and this is something that we also spoke about with Lottie when you have a new partner that's been in this situation you will always need to know or be thinking about the fact that they're not together because they didn't get along or they decided to split or whatever it was the

only reason they're not together is because one of them passed away and there's a part of you that needs to understand in the back of your head that if she was still here they would be together that's something that you have to go into that relationship with something Lottie speaks about with her new partner, it's always hard for the new partner to know that the only thing that tore them apart was death. Something that if you don't think you can ever feel comfortable with, it's something that you do need to assess in yourself as well. I think with this sort of question, I mean, like we said at the beginning, neither of us have dated anyone who has been a widow. And I think seek out some support groups and have some really honest conversations with him about

what he wants, what he sees for his life. Like, you know, does he feel like he's able to be in another relationship and maybe go and speak to a counselor or a therapist do you think that you can work through your own insecurities about feeling secondary because I think that it's two very big separate issues coming together and both of those need to be worked through and both of those traumas need to be healed and maybe you could be the people to heal it well that is it from us guys I hope you loved the episode if you have questions please write in just put ask uncut right into our instagram life uncut podcast if you have accidentally unfiltered if you have stories for us anything please send them in to the dms we would love you more than anything if you went on

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